Anime Central 2001 and the FFIRC present:
A MSTing of "Battle Royal"
<A Sailor Moon self-insertion fanfic>
Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and the distributors of her
work. This story is copyright to the author, Jason Gregory, and used
in lieu of permission. Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned and
copyrighted by Best Brains, Inc.
All other references are copyrighted to their respective owners.
--Satellite of Love
Tom Servo, a gumball-shaped red robot, ushered in three other
denizens of the Satellite of Love into the bridge area. There, four
chairs were set up around a table with a nice tablecloth on it. "Ah,
mes ami, welcome to ze Chez Tomás!"
Mike Nelson, dressed in his usual blue jumpsuit, looked at the chairs
and menu set up in front of him. "And we've come here to Paris for
what reason, Tom?"
Joel Robinson looked on as Tom explained what was going on.
figured that the best way to add some life and sophistication to the
Satellite of Love was to make sure that we have some culture in our
lives! Besides, I have a killer recipe for French bread that I wanted
to try out..."
"Have any french-fried RAM chips to go with that?" Crow T. Robot
wisecracked from the back of the table.
"No you simpleton! We do no sehrve zoes heah!" Tom retorted,
and a mangled French accent heavy in the air.
Gypsy came forward with two loaves of large French bread as the two
humans and Crow sat in three of the four seats. Gypsy set the French
bread on the table and proceeded to sit in the other seat. Joel broke
"Tom? Did you know that French bread doesn't have a wine filling?"
Joel asked as the bread started leaking everywhere.
"It doesn't? Since when?" Tom shot back.
The red light next to the cheap red taper candle started flashing.
"Roarke and Tattoo are calling, guys," Mike reported.
Deep inside Deep Thirteen, Frank and Dr. F were looking at returns
from a tape-output calculator. On the table next to the calculator
were a pile of CD jewel cases and a squat machine with a CD carriage
case next to it.
"We might have something here, Frank. It seems that Gen X is
aboard!" Dr. F reported.
Frank smiled. "I told you it'd be a good idea, Dr. F.
guys! Dr. F and I are just going over our latest invention! We've
Dr. F extricated his elbow from Frank's stomach and turned to the
display showing the denizens of the SOL. "But we'd rather let you go
first, purely for appearance's sake. Take it away, Vichy."
"Ahh, yes sirs. Mike, the box underneath the table? And
get it up here, switch it on if you could." Tom replied. After Mike
finished the task, a loud chatter filled the air in the SOL. Clinking
dishes and ringing glasses completed the cacophony. "I took the
liberty of designing this week's invention, sirs. Behold, it's my
Instant Restaurant Ambiance!" Tom stated. "You can simulate the
experience of being in any restaurant with this!"
He motioned to the side of the unit, where an elaborate switching
assembly was located. "Here we have the regional setting; you can be
in a French, German, Italian, English, American, Canadian, Mexican,
Japanese, or Indian restaurant... with native speakers! On the side
well is the energy level; you can have a subdued high-scale restaurant
or a loud-as-you-please greasy spoon, or a cheering sports bar! And
over here you can have indoor or outdoor... and even add weird effects
like Halloween sounds, Salvation Army bellringers, or random traffic
Joel looked sheepish. "So THAT'S why I've been tapping into
satellites for six weeks straight. Well, what do you think sirs?"
Dr. F smiled. "Not bad, boobies, but far from cultured.
isn't where it is anymore, man... it's all music!" He motioned to the
CDs on the table. "And not only have we found a way to fix all of the
great songs, we're also going to be able to sell 'em at a much higher
From the right side, Frank pointed to the machine on the desk.
we have the Song Stripper. Do you hate long pointless drawn-out guitar
or drum solos? Would you rather be listening to lyrics, instead of
old overweight Jerry Garcia noodling around on an electric twanger?
do too! With this machine, you can scrub out ANY long guitar solo and
make the music infinitely better to listen to, and you can fit more on
a CD! It's a cheaper and more effective way to sell and listen to
music! And radio stations can now play these and get more commercials
into their playlists!"
"You what? No more Jimi Hendrix solos? No Creedence Clearwater
Revival 'Heard It Through the Grapevine' stuff?" Mike inquired.
"Not only that, if you set it just right, you can clean out all of
Jim Morrison's incoherent lyrics!" Dr. F chortled. "Speaking of
desecration of 'art', your torture du jour is a self-inserted Sailor
Moon fanfic. And I have two last words for you... BLAME CANADA!
'em the fic, Frank..."
Through the incessant braying of a Russian taproom girl, the lights
and buzzers started lighting and buzzing respectively. "We have FIC
SIGN!" Joel yelled.
>This is my first fanfic so please be gentle.
All: [singing] Like a fanfic... heyyy... MSTed for the very first
time... like a faaaaaaaaanfiiiiic....
>This is the first in what I hope will become a large amount of
Crow: Great, a larger number to MST.
Tom: This sounds like a pyramid scheme, actually... for every new MST,
you receive another $5!
>[Insert standard disclaimers here]
Tom: Insert smartass comments here.
Joel: This fanfic will explode in three seconds.
Mike: Ahh, Chief Quimby's still gonna get it...
>Any and all suggestion, comments, and or flames would be greatly
<Crow and Joel hold up lighters and sway them back and forth as if at
Crow: That email address makes me feel warm and happy all over.
Joel: Funny, I'm getting skin cancer from it.
>Please let me know what you think.
>BTW This fanfic if rated PG13 due to some swearing and a few
Mike: Of jets refueling.
Tom: Wonder if there's such a thing as R-13.
Joel: These scenes suggest a story.
Tom: Andrew versus Fergie to the death!
Crow: 22 Men! Bunkhouse rules! One winner!
>Life was good for the sailors. Renie was back in the
>future, Rubuas was dead, and Darien had gotten back with
>Serena. Generally every thing was going just fine.
Crow: Except for those poor people in the future, they're probably
experiencing a darkfic.
>"Why didn't you tell me about this Grandpa?" Ray demanded.
Crow: "Ray"? The hell, are Debra, Marie, Frank, and the twins gonna
show up next?
Tom <Grandpa>: Because I was busy telling you about the other grandpa!
Joel <Grandpa>: We knew we had to break the news to you slowly... well,
his name is Happosai and he's also related to you...
>"We need the money and I think it's a good idea." The short man
>"Your just to cheep to hire some help and want to drag volunteers into
>doing chores." Ray shot back angrily.
Mike: Could we get a volunteer or two to fix the homophones please?
>"Now Ray they are going to be here in a few days. Try not to kill
Mike <Raye>: I'm not responsible for internal bleeding!
Crow: Of course, they can be bent, folded, mutilated, or spindled...
>"No promises." Ray said sensing she would not win this one.
Joel: Her spidey sense was tingling
Tom: Well... we really don't want to turn her into a Death Ray, do we?
>Later at their usual scout meeting Ray announced that
>there would be three Canadian exchange students arriving.
Crow: Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.
Mike <Raye>: Bob and Doug Mackenzie... and here's the other, Spuds
Joel: Guess they're all brothers.
Tom: Now, was this before or after the merit badge ceremonies?
>"Are any of them cute?" Mina asked.
>"I don't know. Its possible Mina." Ray replied.
Crow <Raye>: It depends on how Nakeuchi-sama draws 'em, I guess.
Joel: Like she'd be caught dead in *this* plot-arc.
>"When are they getting here?" Amy asked.
>"Tomorrow" Ray replied "excuse me I have to go get their room ready"
Crow: ...before Serena eats all the mints.
Tom <Raye>: Letsee, bear traps... raccoon killers...
Joel <Raye>: Hey Lita, could you go on a beer run with me? I
Molson for bait.
>Jason looked out of the plane's window at the Tyoko skyline.
Crow <Jason>: Hey! I thought my ticket said we were going to
Mike <Jason>: Oh, wow! There's Odgzilla! And he's fighting
>"Where all most there." He told his two companions.
Mike <Jason> Can you tell, I've been practicing my Japanese!
>"Good I'm ready to get off this hunk of junk." Jan replied.
Crow: I thought they were in a plane, not a boat.
Joel <Baloo>: Hey, the Sea Duck is NOT a hunk of junk!!
Tom: Parachute. Door. Hint.
>Jan was tall easily 6'4 his coal black hair seemed to shadow his
>ruggedly handsome face. He was trim with broad shoulders.
Joel: And not yet prepared to be mistaken for a phone pole.
Tom: His hair is 6'4"?
Mike: Shoulders on loan from Dick Tracy.
>"Hunk of junk??" Bryce inquired, "this is one of the newest planes
>built." Bryces wore his blond hair short.
Crow <Bryce>: They say the Osprey will be safe any day now!
Joel: Ladies and gentleman, the first correct comma of the fanfic.
>He seemed to posse a almost football player build. "isn't that right
Crow: No, that's left Jason.
Tom: Hey, that guy stole Bronco Nagurski's characteristics! Head 'im
off at the pass!
>Jason's deep blue eyes regarded the two for a second
Joel <Jason>: Don't make me use the super-secret heat sight on you.
>"That's right Bryce the 747 design is only fifty years old."
Mike: And in those days, Boeing 747s were made of twigs and leaves.
>Of the three, Jason was the most striking.
Mike: <Jason> UNION! UNION! UNION!
>His blue eyes contrasted with his raven black hair and well developed
Joel: Enough about Jason already!
Tom: Bishonen for hire.
Crow: Y'know, his body contrasted well with his highly-developed
>"come on I think its time we paid our respects to the captain."
Joel: The captain is dead?
Tom: Mid-air funerals.
Mike: [stands on his theater seat] Oh captain, my captain!
>"You just want to get into the cockpit." Jan observed as he stood
Tom <Jason>: Hell yeah!
Mike: He truly IS bishonen.
>"Of course. I love to fly. Coming Bryce?"
>"Sure why not."
>Just as they reached the nose section there was a large explosion and
>the aircraft began to dive.
Tom: Allergic airplanes always ask about Allegra.
>Acting quickly Bryce tore open the cabin door.
All: HEY! THE DOOR SAYS "OCCUPIED"!!
Mike: Look to the left, man! Good God!
Tom <Bryce>: But I wanna flush myself to safety!
>The scene before them was grim.
Joel <The Thing>: It's clobberin' time!
Tom: Hmm, the scene before this was a Senshi meeting...
>The pilot, co-pilot and radio operator were unconscious. Jason
>for the pilot's chair and grabbed the wheel.
Crow: Struck down by random contrivance, poor sots.
Mike <Jason>: Dr. Rumack said that he had the fish... whoops!
Joel <Jason>: Dibs! I wanna press the buttons!!
>"Jan take the other one. Bryce get on the radio and declare an
>emergency." Jan quickly took the other wheel and helped Jason pull
>the plane out of the dive.
Tom <Jason>: Now put the transmission in "D", pop the clutch, and turn
the wheel quickly to the right!
Mike, Crow <passengers>: YAAAAAHHH!!
Joel <Bryce>: Just making sure you're awake back there! Haha!
>Bryce was calling for help as alarms blared in the cabin.
Mike <Bryce> We've been robbed! All of our good china is GONE!
Robert Stack, and quickly!
>"Mayday, Mayday, this is flight 7072 declaring an emergency.
Tom <Bryce>: We're all out of COFFEE!
Crow <William Shatner>: Damn! They're never... gonna...
>The pilot and co-pilot are unconscious and things are looking
>desperate," Bryce screamed into the mike.
Mike: Wasn't there a navigator as well?
Joel: He probably just ran out screaming.
>"7072 who's flying?" the ground controller's voice was slurred.
>doubt the effects from his last bottle of valium.
Crow: PATCO is not pleased.
Tom: No wonder Reagan canned 'em all, they're always hopped up!
Joel <Bryce>: No no no! Who is copilot, What is flying and I
care is the navigator!
>"The name's not important. Engines 2 and 4 are on fire and I request
>an emergency landing." Jason said into the pilots headset.
Joel: Funny, I thought Bryce was supposed to man the radio.
Mike <air control operator>: Oh man, allya haffa do ish jusht put de
dumb plane on de groun'! Do I haffa draw you a map?!
Tom: Engines 1 and 3 must be on acid.
>"Roger 7072 Runway two zero is cleared. Fire trucks are on
Crow: And G.I. Joe is there!
>"Okay people lets put this bird on the ground." Jason wiped his
>sweaty palms on his pant legs.
Tom: And make sure to use every air traffic jargon cliche in the book
while you're at it!
Crow: If he's really that hot he should just take his toque off.
>"there's runway two zero. Deploying landing gear. Flaps are down.
>Wheels are locked. Hang in there this could be rough."
Tom <air control operator>: No, you fool! That's runway zero-niner!
You're going to run into JAL 433! GO BACK, YOU IDIOT!!
>Wrestling with the control stick Jason fought heroically to land the
>plane in one piece.
Tom: 1...2...3! And he pins the stick! Jason wins!
Joel: Can you smell what the Jason's flying?
Tom: Ughhh, yeah I can smell the seat of his pants... ick.
>"Here it comes!" The plane land heavily on it's rear wheels and the
>nose came down with the force of a small explosion blowing out the
Mike: No, that's clearly blowing the nose.
Tom: The heck, is Jason doing skateboard tricks with the plane now?
Crow: It's Tony Hawk Pro Skater 747!
>The sound of metal on asphalt sent a shiver up the spines of the
Tom: Wow, this is more fun than Six Flags over Gary, Indiana!
Crow: Up until now they were calm?
>Jason slammed on the brakes and applied reverse thrust.
Tom: Suddenly, the plane flipped over and exploded, killing 103 but
keeping the Canadians safe.
Joel <Jason>: How was I to know that would happen like that?
>The wheel jerked in his hands as he fought to keep the aircraft from
>sliding into the terminal.
Tom: However, it WAS terminal... for the passengers. None of them
expected the plague that hit the pilot and copilot to also attack
them... and no matter how expertly Jason landed the plane, they'd
still be just as dead.
Crow: Welcome to... Biological Weapon Mystery Theater 3000.
Mike: Oooh oooh wee ooh...
> As soon as the plane skidded to a stop stewards were popping open
>hatches and setting up emergency ramps.
Crow, Mike <stewards>: Okay, all passengers who are on fire please
a line to the left. All passengers who have fainted, a line on
right. And everyone who needs medical attention, ESPECIALLY if
legs won't work, please form a line in the middle. NO EXCEPTIONS!!
>Jan, Jason, and Bryce were the last to leave and were given a heroes
Tom: With the same tomatoes they would've thrown at Michael Bolton, he
Crow: Does that include a swirlie in the chemical toilets?
Mike: But they quickly retreated back into the plane when Enrique
Iglesias and Bette Midler began singing a personalized duet in their
>"I hope that's the only trouble that we have." Jan said to Jason.
Tom <Jan>: Let us pray the Pop-O-Matic bubble shall give us no more
Joel: <Jason> Aw, what kind of trouble could happen right here in River
>"now to find the people who were to greet us."
Joel <Jason>: Hmm, I thought that landing seemed awfully light for
reason... they were under the plane the whole time!
Mike: Naah, they're mooching off of the air-traffic controller's supply
>Ray finally getting tired of waiting stormed out of the terminal and
>moved towards the plane with a forceful stride. She was more than a
>little bit angry at having to wait for the tardy plane.
Joel: Raye seems to have a ton and a half of childhood issues.
Tom: She's going to carry Jason's, Bryce's, Jan's, and her OWN
Crow <Raye>: You are in so much trouble, young plane! It's detention
>Bryce was the first to spot here and waved her over.
>"Hi you must me Ray." Jason said to her as she arrived.
Tom <Raye>: No, goofy. I'm Raye, you're Jason. Get that
Mike <Jason>: Mind if we crash at your place?
Crow <Raye>: Not like *this*, I hope...
>"Yes. Are you guys ready?" She replied coldly.
>"Just let us collect our baggage and then we can be out of here."
Joel: Not to nitpick, but where is "here" anyway? The runway?
Terminal? Middle of the shinkansen tracks?
>'why do I feel like this is not going to be a quiet trip?' Jason
>silently asked himself.
Tom: It must be the Japanese miko yelling in your ear.
Crow: Or the flaming wreckage burning merrily behind you.
>Collecting their baggage took a few moments
Crow: Such as childhood insecurity, parental angst, fear of
Joel: Actually, the baggage sprayed all the way from here to Tyoko.
>as the airport officials were too busy calming frightened passengers
>to bother the group.
Crow: Gee, the customs officials were too busy sitting on their hands
to see if these three Canadians imported an arsenal?
Tom <passenger>: Wow, I'm feeling a lot calmer now! Are you a
Mike <official>: No, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.
are you lucky I did!
>Soon they were on their way to the temple.
Crow <Jason>: So you say that this generates two happy faces per city?
Tom <Raye>: Even more if your civilization built the Oracle.
>"So where are you from?" Ray asked on the way.
Mike <Jason>: Saskatoon.
Tom <Bryce>: Whitehorse.
Crow <Jan>: Medicine Hat.
Joel <Raye>: Quit screwing with me.
>"Were all from Vancouver. At lest that's where home was for a few
>"Move around a lot?" Ray asked.
Joel <Jan>: Why, just a couple minutes ago we were from the airport!
>"Yeah." Jason replied as he gazed at City.
Crow: Obscure and broody.
Tom: Come to City! Gaze upon Monument at Park while you're here!
the corner of Street and Boulevard!
>"Your Japanese is quite excellent but I can't place the accent." Ray
Tom <Raye>: Let me guess... Minneweegin?
Crow: Actually, it's called pidgin.
Mike: You can tell a Kennedy from eighty yards by the way he orates...
>She was surprised when the three stiffened.
Crow <Raye>: Suggestive scene ALREADY? Man, I just got here.
>"My uncle was born in Japan, he taught all of us the language."
>replied. He was unable to keep the nervousness out of his voice.
Joel <Jason>: Uhh... we were educated on Jackie Chan dubs. Yeah,
>'That's odd.' Ray thought. The rest of the trip was in silence.
Tom: Wouldn't a taxi cab be quicker?
>Arriving at the temple Ray was astonished to see Serena, Mina, Lita,
>and Amy sitting on the steps quietly talking.
Joel: They're at Temple Raye?
Crow: Raye's a goddess now?
Mike: For some reason, if I squint I can almost see Jackee Harry, Marla
Gibbs, and Helen Martin chatting away.
>"Hey guys what's up?" Ray called as she came up the steps.
Crow <Lita> Any plane that Jason *doesn't* touch.
>"Well we were in the neighborhood and we thought we might stop by."
>Mina said unconvincingly.
Mike <Mina>: We heard you were bringing back some food and... oh wow,
you just happen to have guests!
>"Let me guess you heard that Ray would have three handsome guys to
>herself and you wanted to help her out?" Jason asked in a amused voice
>as he approached.
Tom: No, try again...
Crow: You ARE the weakest link! Goodbye!
>All he got was silence because of Ray fuming and the other girls
>starring speechlessly at them.
Mike: I'm sorry, this is a non-smoking temple.
Joel: Yes, this fic is starring the Senshi!
>"Five buck Jan." Bryce held out his hand.
Joel <Bryce>: I sense a new career in pimping out Senshi...
>"Okay, Okay." Jan handed Bryce the money.
>Ray look at the two
>"Five bucks for what?"
Tom <Jan>: Two hours, I think the terms were...
Crow: This fic brought to you by the number two.
Mike: And the letter condescending.
>"We had this bet that Jason could piss you off twice the first day."
Mike: Always a great idea, make as many enemies as possible when you
get to a new place.
Joel: Do all Canadians have a sadistic streak of Japanese baiting in
>"Hey guys why don't we go get unpacked?" Jason asked with a touch of
>Ray showed them to their rooms.
Joel <Jason>: Hey, these look more like dumpsters!
Crow <Raye>: This is the Punji pit. Be sure to fall in.
twice a day.
>Along the way she glared daggers at them.
>"Wow Jan looks just like me old boyfriend." Lita said in a dreamy
Tom: [singing] It's Popeye the sai-lor scout! Popeye the sai-lor scout!
He's strong to the finitch cause he eats he's spinach...
Mike: Either that or Irish.
Crow: Y'know, she DOES wear green...
>"I thought you would have better taste in men." The voice came
Joel <Lita>: I'm sorry, Cthulhu.
Crow <Lita>: So this batch of soylent green will have a great cherry
>Lita jumped in fright and looked down to see a grinning Artemis.
Tom: Under her feet.
Crow: Suddenly, Artemis' body started disappearing. Becoming more and
more indistinct... until he was little more than a smile with two eyes
>"I know a vet who could give me a good price on neutering." Lita
>in a threatening voice.
Tom: How would one neuter a moon cat anyway?
Mike: Hopefully with a pair of earplugs, I'd bet it'd be swearing to
Tom: A-heh heh.
>"Come on Lita, Artemis didn't mean anything by it." Mina said as
>scooped up her cat.
Joel: Ooh, does Artemis come in chocolate?
Tom: Well, I'll take a scoop of Artemis and a scoop of Garfield, if you
>"Girls I've been picking up bad vibes all morning. I think there
>be a new threat." Luna said as she jumped into Serena's lap.
Crow <Luna>: I think these sweet sensations give me good vibrations.
Mike: The SI alarm must've sounded.
>"Oh Luna don't be such a worry wart." Serena said as she stroked
Mike: Serena's going to take care of the problem with some Compound W.
Tom: How about a bothersome boil?
Crow: Concerned corn?
Joel: Careful callous?
>Jason, Jan, and Bryce came out of the temple and approached the girls.
Crow <Jason>: So, let me get this straight. That white cat talks
the tall brunette and the blonde with long hair, and the black one
can speak to the blonde with meatballs?
Tom <Amy>: Uhh... they're pretty damn mouthy, actually.
Joel: So much for operational security.
>"Ray told me one of you show us around. Can you?"
Joel: So much for politeness, too.
Crow <Mina>: Okay! But first, you have to hop into this cage!
>Their was a touch of humor in Jason's tone. Almost as if he were
>laughing at some private joke.
Mike <Jason>: To... hahahahaha! To get to the other side!
I'm still laughing over that one! Heeheehee...
>Serena stood up first "I've got a date and I have to get going."
Tom <Serena>: I've got the rest of the granola...
>"I've got computer class so I can't help." Amy said as she also
Crow <Amy> Escape! Control-alt-delete! Anything to get
out of here!
>Lita and Mina looked at each other.
Tom <Lita>: Would you like yours boiled or deep-fried?
Crow <Mina>: Hmm, I feel like a slow roast myself...
>"We'll take you around. Is Ray coming?" Mina said as she
>"No she said something about having to do chores." Jan replied.
Mike: We brought the darned Canadians here so *they* could do the
chores! What other reason are they here for?
>"Well lets go." Lita said as she stopped gazing at Jan and got
Tom <Lita>: Three swift overhand rights and he'll be bawling like a
>The rest of the day was filled with sight seeing and shopping.
Crow: And hanging out by the soda fountain!
Mike <Jan>: Umm, Lita... what do you need a 1000 gallon deep-fryer
Joel <Lita>: Uhh.... I'm a collector!
>The girls were amazed that the three took to both actions like
Tom: Huh, whoda thought shopping exists in Canada! I thought they
still had a barter economy!
>Ready to ohh, and ah, at the sights and render kind advice on clothes
>and make-up to the two shoppers.
Tom <Bryce>: Have you two considered longer skirts?
Mike, Joel <falsetto>: We're just two new-age sensitive guys!
>The guys also picked up a few things at several men's stores.
Joel: They were arrested for shoplifting.
Crow <clerk> YOU WANT AN INFLATABLE WHAT NOW??
>"Well girls its been fun but we really should be getting back now."
>Jason said as a nearby clock chimed seven.
Mike: If they don't get back soon, they'll turn into spaghetti
Crow: And being Japan, that means that they stayed out until the middle
of the morning.
>"Yes its been a great day but I think we should be heading back to the
>temple." Bryce agreed.
Tom: About darned time they feel guilty over leaving Rei with the
>"Okay but we'll be back tomorrow." Lita said as she dragged Mina
>towards her home.
Crow <Lita>: I need some company... NOW!
>"what do you think of them?" She asked her once they were out of
>"Either their gay or some of the best guys I've ever met."
Joel: So therefore, if you're straight, you're garbage.
Mike: Man, I had no idea that gay pride has gotten to this level...
>"Yeah. I don't think their gay. Also I have dibs on Jan."
Crow <Lita>: Jan's got the best thighs. And his drumsticks are
>"No argument. Oh by the way I heard that when their plane came down
>there was a explosion. They managed to land the plane on their
Joel: For those of you readers who were lucky enough to be either
passed out or have a learning disability, here's the second scene
Tom: Say what you want, but you gotta LOVE our service!
>"What happened to the pilots?"
Mike: They were rendered irrelevant.
Crow: In a really quick hurry, too.
>"They were knocked unconscious by the explosion." Mina explained
>they neared her house.
Tom: Of course, why elaborate?
Crow: Why don't we revisit that first scene anyway? Three Canadians
are allowed to walk all the way up to the cockpit. According
*THEM*, the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator are all "passed out".
There's been an explosion. Now how the heck did THAT happen?
>Meanwhile as they neared the temple Jason turned to Bryce.
Joel: Ahh, so THAT'S the secret. They're all the same!
Crow: Having already turned to the bottle, it was only a matter of time
before he turned to Bryce.
Mike: Remember kids! Just say no to Bryce!
>"So what do you think of them?"
Mike <Bryce>: I do believe they can be hollowed out...
>"Their nice enough. I just hope things turnout all right." Bryce
>as they neared their room.
Crow: Wow, the fast pacing of the dialogue makes you believe you're
Tom: From outside the temple to outside the room in two easy sentences.
>"Yeah me too" Jan put in as he lay down on one of the beds in the
>temple's spare room.
Tom <Jason, singing>: Oh, it fun to stay at Raye's T.E.M.P.L.E.!
>Grandpa came in looking for his elusive guests.
Tom <Grandpa>: Aww crap, I found 'em.
Mike <Grandpa>: I didn't know I invited Robert Denby...
>"Oh, there you are, dinner is in a few minutes." He announced.
Joel <Grandpa>: Dinner shall be served on the Sun Deck. Afterwards,
there will be a luau on the Lido deck. *ding!*
Tom: He's feeding 'em, he's lodging 'em... and yet Raye is still doing
all of the chores?
Mike: It's no wonder she's so irritable in this 'fic.
>"Thanks, you guys go on ahead I'll be just a few moments."
>stated as he headed to the bathroom.
Crow <Jason> Aww crap! There's been an explosion and the toilet
come in for a landing!! I'll take the wheel!
>Over dinner they discussed many things. Trivial things really until
>Chad commented on their accents. Ray saw all three of them react the
Crow <Raye>: Hey you three. No stabbing Chad at the dinner table.
really ruins the tablecloth.
>"Well my uncle was born in Japan and he taught us the language."
>Jason replied with a hint of nervousness.
Joel: <Jason, thinking> Man, landing a crippled plane was a breeze
compared to the stress of dinner conversation!
Tom <Jason>: Uhh... my uncle was involved in certain deeds at various
Mike <Jason>: No, he wasn't a drug runner! I swear!
>"Well it's getting late so I'm off to bed." Grampa got up and turned
>to the Canadians "I'll see you in the morning."
Joel <Grandpa>: Yes, I shall leave you three with my young beautiful
Tom: The same one who's almost literally waiting to rip their heads
off. Great job, Gramps! That way there's no witnesses!
>"I've got to get going my self. I'm meeting a few friends for a
>movie." Ray said as she got up.
Crow <Raye>: Petty cash is the loose floorboard underneath the table.
Joel: Shouldn't it be "getting down wit' her bad self?"
>Chad cleared away the dishes and went back to his room to practice his
Mike: Yep, he plays he electric plate.
Crow: That's a rather obscure euphemism.
>"Do you think they suspect something?" Jason said in French when
>others had left.
Joel <Jason>: Our plan to capture the Pink Panther is going swimmingly!
Mike: Jason shall now be dubbed for the French-impaired.
>"No. I think your just paranoid." Jan said, also in French.
Tom: He can't even get his homophones right in Francophone!
>"Just to be sure, I think we all should be more careful." Bryce
>as he chipped in his two bits.
Joel: In Swahili!
Crow: Hey, there's no tipping here.
>"Agreed" The other two said as they finally left the table.
Joel: The table, abandoned by all, cried despondently for the remainder
of the evening.
>The next day dawned too early for Ray who awoke to the sounds of
>someone working out in the courtyard. 'Oh I bet that's the Canadians'
>she thought sleepily.
Tom: They received orders from the Canadian government to lay new
Shinkansen track through the courtyard.
Crow <Raye>: Can't you be more quiet with your Tae Bo?
>'still I'd better go check on them. Don't want them to hurt
>themselves.' Ray got up and donning a robe left to check on the
Crow <Raye>: Razzin' frazzin'... couldn't we get any *INTERESTING*
Canadians to do chores around here?
>What she saw surprised her. The three of them were bare chested
>performing what looked like a three way kata.
Mike <Raye>: In Japan, boys, we do that in private.
Joel: Aww, they're just practicing some Three Stooges routines.
>Ray was surprised at the ease and grace of their movements.
>"Good morning Ray." Jason called out his back to her.
Crow: That sounds like it hurts.
>"What are you doing?" She asked the trio.
Mike: The Macarena?
Joel <Jason>: Well, I'm see no evil... Bryce is hear no evil.
thankfully for my ears, Jan is speak no evil.
Crow <Jan>: MMMMMPPPPPHHHHH!!
>"Just something a teacher of ours taught us a few years ago."
Tom <Jason>: Okay boys... wax on, wax off. Wax on, wax off.
>Ray immediately sensed the lie.
Tom: She had a "detect lie" spell set up.
>She had been train in martial arts for years and the level of skill
>they demonstrated could only be achieved by grand masters.
Crow: It's martial arts, Chuchu style!
Tom: They were trained by the master breakdancers of the 80s. They
finally got a charge out of the Electric Boogaloo.
>Ray was a bit nervous being around them. After all if they were
>masters why lie about it?
Mike: They get tired of being challenged to chess matches.
Tom <Jan>: We're like oh-and-five hundred by now!
>Grandpa was coming out of the temple having been awakened by the
>sounds of the practice.
Joel: Either that or Camryn Manheim hacking up a lung.
>He caught the end of the Kata and for some reason it seemed vaguely
Tom <Grandpa>: It's been YEARS since I've seen such a virtuoso
performance of the Nutcracker, boys! May I call you "Sugar Plum
Fairy" from now on, Jason?
>"Good morning one and all." He called out. Ray jumped, obviously
>having been surprised by his quiet approach.
Crow: When will Raye finally make that switch to decaf?
>The three however just replied "morning" As they finished their
Crow: From the mouths in their backs, of course.
Joel <Jason>: And in case we don't see you, good afternoon, good
evening, and GOOOooooOOOOD NIGHT!
>Jason grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat off his face. "Ray we have
>to go into town this morning. Some of our stuff arrived late.
Tom: To be *perfectly* truthful, it arrived burnt.
>Do you know the way to the Canadian Consulates?"
Mike <Raye>: No, but I know the way to San Jose.
Joel <Raye>: If you hum a few bars, I can fake it...
>Ray was caught off guard by the question. 'Why would they want to know
>the way to the Consulates?' she wondered. "No, but Amy might. I'll
>call and ask her."
Mike: Any particular reason the Canadians don't want to go to their
Tom: Hmm, maybe there isn't an embassy in Tyoko.
>"Thanks Ray. I owe you one." Jason said as he went inside to take
>"Why is your stuff at the consulates?" Ray asked Bryce and Jan.
Crow: Ask the Black Spy. He would know.
>"Jason was worried some of our stuff might get damaged on the way in,
>so he sent it by diplomatic courier." Jan explained as he and Bryce
>left to get cleaned up.
Tom: When you have to get it there... in a nice way!
Mike: So when did the Canadian government start bending over backward
for three hosers from Vancouver?
>"Yeah Amy the Canadian Consulates. You do? Okay they'll be
>waiting." Ray hung up the phone and turned to Jason. "Amy knows
>way. She'll be by to pick you guys up in a few minutes."
Mike: You are aware that the phone was disconnected?
Crow: Amy was an extra on an episode of "Due South" once.
>Jason had put on black pants and a dark blue shirt. He nodded to
>"Thanks, I owe you."
>Picking up their bags proved to be a cinch.
Joel: I knew she was strong, but wow!
>They walked up to the front desk at the consulates and upon signing
>the proper papers received three dark blue duffel bags that looked
Mike: Proper papers were promptly proffered.
Tom <consulate>: Hey, we don't accept Canadian money either!
>"Wow I expected that to take all day." Amy commented as they left.
>"Government officials are not known for their speed."
Tom: Or their looks, intelligence, fashion sense...
Crow <Patty Bouvier> Sometimes we let the line build up. We call
>"Yeah, they were going to delay us until they got a look at the bribes
>I was giving out." Jason said as they wandered down a sidewalk
>to the park.
Joel: They had a list. Overlooking lack of passports was five hundred
thousand, but crashing planes costs more...
>Jason noted Amy somewhat shocked expression. "now don't you feel
>better about knowing?"
Mike <Jason>: Because *sigh*, knowing really is half the battle.
>'Not really' Amy thought. Out loud she said.
Tom: Tonight's guest narrator: Yoda!
Mike: Wasn't that half of Mixx's title for Karekano?
>"There's Darien, I want you to meet him." She said pointing to a
>couple strolling through the park.
Crow: Darien's a couple? He must be beside himself today.
Tom <Amy>: I cloned him for my High School project...though
beware, the second one is a bit evil..."
Joel: It's Bizarro-Kamen!
>As the group approached the couple began a deep passionate kiss.
>Sensing that now was not a good time, Jason made apologies to Amy.
Crow <Jason>: Amy, I'm sorry you had to see that.
Tom: What?! The Dariens are kissing?!
Mike <Jason>: Aww nuts, one of the Sailor Moon girls is already
taken..That only leaves 4 more to seduce
Joel <Ami>: But what about the outers?
Mike <Jason>: Feh...it's just not the same...
>They were just leaving the park when they heard a women scream.
Tom <Amy>: Oh, I'm sorry Jason... I seem to have led you to Ataru
Crow <Jason>: Ya see Ami, I told you all those GW Doujin were accurate!
>Jason, Jan, and Bryce immediately turned and vaulted over a high hedge
>that separated them from the source of the scream.
Joel: We're a hedge. Move along, please.
Crow: Amy, however, had to run for half an hour before she could find
a low hedge.
Tom: Jason split into his THREE ALTER-EGOS and gave the disturbance
a severe once-over.
>What they saw sent tendrils of terror running down their spines.
Crow: A sequel!
Joel: Fifteen more Dariens?
Tom <Beryl>: What? I'm just putting on some make-up..
Mike <Jason>: Oh no...A DDR machine that isn't in use...We must
correct this problem Justice friends!
>Standing over Serena was the ugliest looking creature the three of
>them had ever seen. It stood about 5'9 but was twisted and grotesque
>in a way no human could ever manage.
Mike <Amy>: Darien, quit scaring the Canadians!
>The real shock however was the five arms ending in hook like claws.
Crow <Ukyou>: Paging Peter Pan...
Tom <Jason>: Wow, I bet he can catch a lot of Salmon...
Joel: On the other hand, he makes a great coat rack.
>Two of which held a young man Jason guessed to be Darien against a
>tree. The other three were reaching for Serena.
Tom: My rose-carrying Tuxedo Mask! My delicious Moon Princess!
cannot choose! I must have both!
>"Its got Serena. Kill it!" Jason shouted to Bryce and Jan who were
>pulling out some sort of small cylinders from their duffel bags.
Joel <Jan>: Just a sec, man... it's Miller Time!
Mike I've heard Coke can strip paint, but this is ridiculous.
Crow <Jason>: You shall never defeat us, for we have the power of
MOLSON ICE! Mwahahahahaha!!!
Tom: Yes, join us for the next episode of: Labatt's Blue Girl!
>When the cylinders were out Jan and Bryce dropped their bags to the
>ground. They squeezed the cylinders and a odd liquid sound came
>the them as they grew to about five foot long.
Joel: Always check the freshness date on your can, or this is what you
Crow <Bryce>: Ha! Fear us, demon! For we have five
foot some sort of
Tom: Acid leak in the lightsaber batteries!
Mike <Bryce>: Hey man, the Canadian Consulates gave us zip swords!
>They were tipped on the end with a blade over a foot long.
>(think of Saturn's Glaive.)
Crow: You mean Saturn's Glaive is *also* a some sort of cylinder? I
see a trend!
Tom <Kamadaki>: I would just like to add that these cylinders are
no relations of mine.
Mike: Shake them, and they explode. Shake harder, and they sprout
Crow: Yeah... maybe these are the Canadian Senshi magic weapons,
made to look like a massive can of Beer, eh?
Joel: Glaive. Canadian for beer.
>Jason pulled out a small one handed sword. Thus armed and swallowing
>their fear, they charged the creature.
Tom <Jason>: Fifteen hundred yen for disturbing the peace, five hundred
for non-standard fingers...
Joel: Fear. Available in regular and new mint!
>The creature noting their advance tried to throw Darien into them.
Joel: And thus impaled Darien on their pointed tubes
Mike: The challenger is using an original character as a weapon!
>They avoided the human missile with a ease and grace that spoke of
Crow <Darien>: Thanks for avoiding meeee.......... *splat*
Tom: Watch out! There's still a second Darien to throw somewhere!
Mike <Bryce>: That shall never defeat us! We have our +4 Staves
>Reaching the monster they swung Bryce and Jan their odd staffs in
>tight arcs while Jason sliced at one of the monsters arms.
Crow: So now the SI's are using humans as weapons too!
Joel: So, now they're using *Bryce* as a weapon?
Tom: Meanwhile, Jason COMPLETELY missed the point of a short sword.
>There was a moment of silence, then three of the monsters arms fell
>off. It screamed in pain and backfliped out of range.
Mike <monster>: I really hope those grow back...
Joel: I SAID A LITTLE OFF THE TOP!!
Crow <monster>: Haven't you goons ever heard of anaesthetic first?
>"Jan get Serena and Darien to safety." Jason barked. "we
Crow: It's the Ambiguously Gay Duo!
Tom: As opposed to the Outright Gay Heero?
Mike: Wasn't Darien thrown clear already?
Tom: Well, that's considerate... he's letting Amy and the others leave
the fic, eh?
Joel: What is Amy doing, anyway?
Crow: Probably her nails.
>"Right Jason." Jan replied. He quickly moved Serena who had
>over to Darien who was just coming around.
Joel <Darien>: Oh god... I wasn't dreaming... The Canadians really
Mike: Left Jason, meanwhile, was already hacking the monster to pieces.
Tom: How do you faint over to someone anyway?
Joel Fake one way and move the other.
Tom: Ask a stupid question...
>"Can you walk." He asked Darien sharply.
>"Yes" Darien replied in a pained voice. "I thing that thing
>few of my ribs."
Crow: [singing] I thing I thing... doo whop, a doo whop.
Tom: "I Thing a thong," warbled Igor.
Joel <Darien>: Watch it with that sharp question! I'm injured,
>"Well stay put, that creatures not going to survive long."
>Darien at last noticed the battle and his eyes widened at the sight of
>Jason holding his sword in one hand, the monster head was in the
Crow: I think it's about to get smited with ye olde plot contrivance.
Tom: Of course, the monster head was still attached, but it's the
principle that counts.
>The entire battle had taken perhaps six seconds.
Mike: Long enough for Darien to finish his business with Serena.
Tom <Amy>: Men *really* have no staying power.
Joel: Six seconds? Then why did it take TEN PARAGRAPHS TO DESCRIBE?
>"Thanks for the help, but who the hell are you guys?" Darien asked
>he subtly put himself between the men and Serena.
Crow <Darien>: This is MAH piece of de bottom land! Get yer own!
Tom: [singing] We represent the lollypop gang, the lollypop gang...
Joel <Jason>: Why, we're Sailors Ontario, Quebec, and Alberta!
Mike: The Threeeeeeeeeeeee Amigos!
>Jason saw what he was doing and approval shone in his eyes.
Joel <Jason>: I like jailbait too! Let's swap stories sometime,
Crow <Jason>: That right, boy! Don't let nobody move in
on yo hos!
>"I'm Jason this is Bryce and the who got Serena out is Jan."
Tom: The Who? This is Sailor Moon, not Keith Moon!
Mike: Who got Serena out, what got the SIs in, I don't know where this
Crow: Now appearing in this fanfic: Roger Dahltry.
Joel: THE MANAGEMENT WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR THE CANADIANS. THOSE
RESPONSIBLE HAVE BEEN SACKED.
Crow: Wow... too little, WA-A-AY too late.
>They squeezed their staffs again and they reverted to their previous
>size of 4 inches.
Joel <Bryce>: Strange... normally they get larger when you squeeze
Mike <Jan>: You're just not doing it right.
>Bryce looked at Serena who hadn't come around yet.
>"That's odd she should be up."
Tom: I gave her enough Jolt to wake a bear.
Mike <Bryce>: The Serena's done! Pick up Serena, serve to table
>"What happened?" Amy asked as she came running up. She blinked
>noticed the monsters body in a pool of blood.
Mike <Amy>: Good, someone's finally taken care of that little Tuxedo
problem of ours...
Crow <Jason>: Psst, Amy... not THAT pool of blood!
Tom: I have a sudden craving for extra chunky salsa
>"Darien and Serena got attacked by this monster." Bryce stated
>picked up his duffel bag. "What's wrong with Serena?"
Joel <Amy>: Well, she's a ditz, needs to learn command skills, needs
be more decisive...
Tom <Bryce>: Screw the Moon Princess. This bag is my baby.
>"She just fainted." Amy said as she examined Serena.
>"We need to get her to a safe place. Whose house is closets?" Jason
>asked as he retrieved his duffel bag.
Crow <Amy>: Well, my bedroom is pretty damn small...
Mike <Jason>: We need a bunch to come out of.
Joel: Has anyone else noticed they need duffel bags to carry around
four-inch beer cans?
>"Mine is." Darien said as he painfully got up.
>"Good. Jan help Darien, Bryce get Serena. I'll be lookout."
Crow <Jason>: Thar she blows! Arr, I loves this job...
>"What does that mean?" Amy asked Bryce.
>"If he sees anything unusual he yells 'LOOKOUT' and we know to duck."
Tom: What if he's trying to shout, "look out for that punji pit?"
You're going to feel really dumb when you duck and fall right into
Mike: Well, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck... better
throw some hot water on it to be sure.
>Amy was still trying to sort out what had happened. She then
>remembered the staffs.
Joel <Amy>: Lessee... there was the hedge... and... more of the
hedge... and then quite a bit of hedges....
Tom: [singing] Over the hedge and through the wood, to Crystal Tokyo we
>"What's the deal with those staffs?" She asked Bryce.
>"There called quriots. The story behind them is rather unusual,
>tell it to you later if you like."
Mike: And Bryce moves on to the final round of Imaginary
Joel <Bryce>: Once upon a time, in a happy kingdom, there lived a
magnanimous woman named Queen Beryl...
Tom <Amy>: Uh-oh, warning...
>They reached Dariens apartment without incident and quickly put Serena
>into Dariens bed.
Tom <Jason>: WAAAAaahh!! I never got to cry 'LOOKOUT'....
Crow: But inside the *mattress*? Isn't that pushing it?
Joel <Serena>: what.... you think this is the first time I've been
between these sheets? Where do you think Reenie came from anyway?
Mike: A terrible accident involving nuclear waste and a truck of sugar?
>Amy called the others and they agreed to come over as fast as
Tom: Mina just had to break 7 dates to do it.
Mike: They had Chad warm up the Mystery Machine, and they were ready
and rarin' to investigate!
Crow: And I'm ready and rarin' to get the heck outta here for a while!
--Satellite of Love
"Wow, there are a TON of ways that normal average authors can prove
that they are really amazingly special in the course of fanfics!" Tom
marveled, "even ways to do it within the parameters of normal human
"What a setup, my dear robot," Joel laughed. "And guys, can
any 'cooler' than landing an airplane devoid of pilot, copilot, and
with hopped-up air-traffic controllers? And then after that beating
on a monster with super-secret weaponry?"
Mike chuckled. "The only thing they were missing was a hijacker
and/or some Clow cards!" He bent behind the bridge's desk and came
with a few white cards. "And from our list here..."
The first card flipped to show a picture of a underwater scene.
person with scuba gear and a boat underneath was revealed, with three
or four sharks circling overhead. "The daring underwater rescue!
that you don't come up too quick or you'll get the bends from 15,000
feet below! Aww, it's fanfic, who notices anyway?" Crow scoffed.
The next card contained a picture of the Space Shuttle. "A trick
that was used to... well, it WAS used, in Space Camp... go in space!
'Thermal curtain failure'! 'Jynx is Max's friend... FOREVER!'" Tom
chuckled as Mike continued to flip cards.
"What next, you might ask? Why, it's our ever-popular 'stop
robbery in progress'!" Joel said as the appropriate card flipped over.
"What better why can there be to endear you to thousands of people than
to keep their money safe?"
"And in reserve, we still have 'crusading Congressperson',
'passionate defender of wildlife', 'save people from the burning
building', and many other great deeds of derring-do!" Tom said.
"Don't forget about becoming a bouncer at a bar and kicking the crap
out of people for a living!" Crow shouted from the side.
The other three shook their heads as they laughed. "There's
Patrick Swayze would be considered in this category, my little robot
friend," Joel responded. "Unless for some reason he ends up self-
inserted into a fanfic..."
The lights and buzzers started going off again. "We have RETURN
SIGN!" Joel called...
>"Now about that story?" Amy asked as Bryce finished wrapping Dariens
Crow <Gregory Peck>: We're in it, up to our necks.
Mike <Jason>: I was born a poor black boy...
Joel: Make that -- A long time ago, over a hedge far far away...
>"A few years ago we were exploring a cave in northern BC. There was a
>cave in and we got knocked out.
Tom: Northern BC... almost AD.
Joel: When we woke up, Thor, Curls and Peter were staring at us.
Crow <Bryce>: Thong? Ator? You guys back there?
>The next thing we remember is waking up in this huge palace. The
>staffs were right next to us.
Tom: They were demanding raises.
Mike <Jason>: We kept hearing "Da'cha!" echo throughout the palace...
>Then this angel appeared and began to speak to us. It told us that
>have a destiny. She also filled our heads with a lot of information.
Mike: And Jason stabbed it in its core, thus saving Vancouver-3.
Joel: So now we all know the starting lineup of the '68 Pittsburgh
Tom <Angel>: I told them they were to create Crystal Toronto and
Crystal Montreal! But did they listen to me?! NO!!!
Crow: Like how the CIA killed Diefenbaker, and how the CBC is
broadcasting mind control signal through "The Beachcombers"....
Joel: They ARE the Caramilk recipe!
>The most we can make out of it is the Japanese language. Then we
>blacked out. We woke up on a small hill just outside of the cave.
Tom <Bryce>: Yeah, that was when we went cow-tippin', wasn't it guys?
Crow: The Japanese language has that effect on people.
>The staffs, sword and three gems were sitting beside us. Along with it
>was a letter in a language that no one knows."
Joel <Jason>: It started, "Ear-day Ason-jay,"
Crow <Bryce>: French.
Tom <Amy>: That's because it's not a language. It's a child's
Mike <Lina>: NOOOOO! All over the Ragna Blade!
Joel <Jason>: Proving, once and for all, that we WERE sponsored by
letters § and Þ.
Tom <Jason>: No, actually we found them all in a bargain bin at the
local flea market, and after reading 'Issei Meets the Sailor Scouts'
figured you were gullible enough to believe anything.
>"Yes. I don't know why I'm telling you this. It must seem
>crazy to you but it did happen.
Crow <Bryce>: I think. Man, those five foot bongs mess you up....
Tom: They're Canadian. It'd be "meter-and-a-half".
>I just wish that we knew what language the letter is in."
>"Old high lunar I suspect." Luna said calmly as she walked in.
Joel: Ah, and Old High Luna shows up.
Crow: It's a telepathic language! You don't need to see it to read it!
Mike: High Lunar, huh? How high are we talking?
Tom <Luna>: You can only read the writing by the light of the Orb of
>Ray and the other scouts were right behind her.
Mike: Who ya' gonna call? Why, Ray Stantz and the rest of his
>"Old high Lunar? This, is getting to be interesting." Bryce said as he
Crow <Bryce>: Ray! Nice to see you. Mind if we kill this obviously
evil talking cat?
>"Jason, Jan get in here. I think were going to get some answers."
>Jason and Jan came back from the kitchen where they were busy cooking
>and quickly took a seat.
Tom: Man, you CAN smell what the Jan is cooking, and it's even setting
off the fire alarm.
Joel <Raye>: No. No. No again. And a slap.
These are all the
answers you're getting.
>They waited for Luna to continue.
>"Can I see that letter?"
Joel <Allen Ludden>: The password is "letter". *ding*
Crow: No, you're a cat, you might use it to line your litterbox or
>"Here it is Luna." Jason pulled out piece of luminous white paper.
>was covered in a strange flowing script.
Tom: The ancient language of Atlantis!
Crow: Probably a medieval grocery list. Eggesse... Milck... Breaaed...
Mike <Luna>: Well, it flowed right off the page.
Joel: First the liquid staffs, now flowing scripts. Excuse me, I need
to take a bathroom break.
>"It's as I thought. You three are the Warlords." Luna said
Crow <Luna>: Wait... the Warlords are our mortal enemies!
Tom <Jan>: Aw, crap. I thought we were the Wyld Stallyns.
Mike <Bryce>: d00d! w3 4r3 l33t!!!11!!!
>"Warlords? Do we have armies? Don't we have uniforms?" Jason asked
>with a small smile on his face.
>"Those three gems, when charged with the power of the crystal allow
>you to access your powers."
Crow <Amy>: Well, I have an extra seifuku you could wear, I suppose...
but I shouldn't encourage you, should I?
Mike <Luna>: Except between the times of 5PM and 8AM Pacific Standard
Time, and during holidays.
Joel <Jason>: I believe in Crystal Gems cause I believe in me.
>"Ah Luna? Why are they called the Warlords?" Mina asked cursorily.
>"I think I can answer that Venus." Jan said, surprising Mina.
Tom <Mina>: I didn't know I was an answer!
Joel: She started with an arrow cursor, then moved on to an
hourglass... and completely pulled a switch and used the Mac black-
>"We were called the Warlords because we commanded the armies of the
>Silver Millennium. Also we were almost always at war trying to defend
>the Silver Millennium.
Tom <Luna>: Your memory is a bit faulty; you commanded the legions
kitchen staff. Jason led the brigade of butlers and that other
cleaned the royal bathrooms.
>Our last battle was against Beryl. We lost in that battle.
>thousand years we were tortured by the Negaverse.
Crow: They had no BEER!
Joel <Nephrite>: Koochie koochie koo...
Mike <Jason>: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!
Tom: It was the most horrible torture. Thousands of years and the only
radio stuck on the Michael Jackson and only Michael Jackson channel.
>However we were totally dedicated to the safety of the Silver
>"How did you know I was Sailor Venus?" Mina asked, still stunned.
Crow <Amy>: You forgot to change out of your costume you ditz.
Tom <Bryce>: You'll have to excuse my friend. He thinks
Sailor Venus. Her picture is painted on the inside of his glasses.
>"Part of the memories that we got from the angel. You know, come
>think of it, that angel must have been Queen Serenity.
Mike: Either that or Lilith
Joel: Funny, the angel was pretty pale with blue hair and red eyes....
oops, was that a spoiler?
>"Enough with the long winded speeches. Lets wake Serena up and get her
>to charge our crystals." Bryce said with a faint glimmer of hope
Tom <Bryce>: Okay! Now where do we plug them in?
Mike <Bryce>: Okay, the red one goes on the positive? Or is it
negative? Man, I can never get it right...
Crow <Voiceover>: We replaced Serena's silver crystal with Folger's
instant coffee crystals. Let's see if she can see the difference
>"Hello my old friends." Serenity said as she strode out of Dariens
Tom: [singing] Your busy day is at an end....
Joel <Serenity>: I take Visa and American Express.
>Her gown swirling about her feet and her crescent moon was blazing.
>"Princess we have a favor to ask." Jason stated as he went on one
>knee in front of Serenity.
Crow <Jason> Can I have twenty bucks till payday? I SWEAR I'll
pay you back this time!
Tom: He's just marking his territory.
Joel: Which is...?
Tom: Everything to the left of Bismarck, North Dakota.
>"We have been searching for you for a long time. We need you to
>restore us to our rightful positions."
Crow: Cuissade, croupade, and soixante-neuf.
Joel <Jason>: Sitting up and facing forward.
>"It shall be done." Serenity said as she undid her broach.
Mike <Jason>: Hey! Where's that music coming from?
Tom <Serenity>: Now, what was the friggin' combination, again...?
Crow <Serenity>: Don't accept less than $500 for it and this time
remember to keep the pawn receipt!
>The front snapped open and power flowed fourth into the three gems.
Joel: I prefer power flowing from fifths... have some scotch?
Crow: No, it reversed the polarity of the neutron flow..
Mike <Zap Branigan>: Damn neutrals, always messing up these perfectly
>Their was a brilliant flash of power and her crystal returned to its
>usual glimmering. Jason, Jan, and Bryce had undergone a startling
Crow: They were now all wearing black lingerie and singing "Sweet
>Bryce was dressed in a black bodysuit with calf high boots, all in
>(Think of Luke Skywalker's outfit in Return Of the Jedi)
Mike: And the mystery of what happened to Luna's long-lost parents is
revealed... they became Bryce's black fuzzy slippers.
Crow: Calf-high boots, huh? High heels and all?
Mike: With elaborate cross-lacing.
Crow: He really IS a sweet transvestite.
>Jason was dressed in light armor (Like Prince Eddiymon's)that was
>edged in black.
Tom: Eddiymon? Which Digimon character is that, the blue one?
Crow: He's the one with Latino HEAT~!
>Jan was also in armor but its main color was a deep rich blue.
Joel: And its main design is diamonds. In fact, it also had green
clovers and red balloons on it as well.
Tom: These guys are sounding more and more like the Power Rangers.
Mike: Blue's clueless in this case.
>"I am Lord Charon. Control of the Styx and its power is mine."
>Jason's voice seemed to come from the depths of his soul.
Crow: So he releases junky stadium rock hits now?
Tom <Jason, singing>: Come sail away, come sail away... Come sail away
Mike <Jason, singing>: Oh mamma, I'm in fear for my life, I just wrote
a bad SM SI...
Joel <Lord Charon>: And once I possess control of KISS and Twisted
Sister, none will be able to stand against me!
Mike: Does he also control the outskirts, boondocks, and the middle of
>"I am Lord Titian. The power of chaos and all its forms is mine
>control." Bryce's voice seemed to come from all around.
Crow <Bryce>: I was also known as X-pac, the 1-2-3 Kid, and the
Mike: Now there's a moon of Saturn by the name of Titan... and a moon
of Uranus which is Titania...
>"Finally, I am Lord Oberon. Darkness and shadows are mine." Jan
>sound deep and powerful.
Tom: In fact, oberly deep and powerful!
>Rays sense of power was off her psychic scale. She could not sense
>good or evil in these three.
Joel: Or brains.
Crow <Raye>: I'll just use detect alignment
Joel <Raye>: Detect alignment tells me... my tires are WAY out of
>"Who or what are you?" Lita asked in a stunned voice.
>"We are the Warlords. We are the sons of lord Hades and powerful
>beings in our own right.
Crow: We were once managed by Slick.
Tom, Mike <Canadians, singing>: We are bad dudes, we got bad
attitudes... we're young! Dumb! And uuuuuugly!
>Queen Serenity relied on us to handle things the scout could or would
Joel: Like hosing Endymion after one of his long Saturn benders.
Tom: Like cleaning the loadpans.
Crow: The few, the proud, the Janitors of the Silver Millennium!
Tom <Oberon, singing>: The Garbage Man CAN~!
Mike: They prefer to be called Serenatation Engineers, y'know.
>"Okay enough with the long winded speeches." A new voice called
Mike: Crow! I thought we agreed, no self-inserting yourself in the
>"You still like to drone on and on."
>"Typhus!" Jason called out his face showing real joy.
Tom: Obviously this voice doesn't know Roberts rules of order for
Crow <Oberon>: Tuberculosis!
Mike <Titian>: Dysentery!
Joel: Not that fake joy when Mononucleosis and Hemorrhoid show up but
real honest-to-goodness joy!
>"In the flesh. Or should I say skull?" A floating flaming skull
>appeared in front of the three. "By the gods it's good to see you
Tom: Ah! This must be the head guy around here.
Mike <skull>: You look fabulous! Give us a kiss.
>The scouts including Darien had been suffering sensory overload.
>did not need to see a floating flaming skull.
Crow: Well, they should've said so earlier.
>he girls promptly passed out while Darien put his head in his hands
>and mumbled something about a bad dream.
Crow <Darien>: This is even worse than the one about Andrew and
Tom <Darien>: Geez, these effects are worse than Plan Nine from
Mike <Darien>: For gosh sakes, there's a teeny tiny tea light in that
skull, and it's being held up with fishing line! C'mon, prop
>"Um, I think that's enough surprises for one day. Why don't we
>get some sleep and discuss this in the morning?" Jan asked while
>looking at the recovering girls.
Mike <Typhus>: I call Bryce's bed.
Tom <Bryce>: Aww damn, he always gets the upper hand on me!
Joel <Jason>: Bryce, he's just a skull.
Tom <Bryce>: Yeah, well, YOU tell him that!
<Richard> <author> Don't...have...a..valid...reason..for..flaming...
>"Good idea Jan." Jason added while stifling a yawn.
>"One last question. Where are those gems?" Amy asked a bit
>"Oh they've changed into tattoos. Their right over our hearts so
>can't lose them." Bryce answered her.
Joel <Bryce>: I named mine Roger! Say hello to the nice folks,
Tom: Because he truly is... like a rhinestone cowboy.
>"Like Jan said why don't we all get some sleep?"
>Ray and the other noticed it was growing dark outside.
Mike <Jan>: ThErE iS nO wAy oUT oF hErE.....iT WiLL bE DarK sOOn...
Crow <Oberon>: See? Isn't my power great? I can lower the sun until
is gone and create... DARK!
>"OHH grandpas going to worry. Gotta go."
Mike <Raye>: I shall run away...and become Ray Jaye Johnson!
>"Moms gonna be worried I have to book." Serena and Ray got up and
Tom: Man, what's with the cheesy cop show talk?
Joel: Didn't Serena just leave without any clothes on?
Mike: DON'T LOOK, ETHEL!!
>"We'd better get going too." Mina and Lita got up and left. Only
>Darien, Jan, Bryce, and Jason were left.
Mike: Yeah, Lita's grandpa might really get worried over her too,
Tom: What about Bob, Carol, Ted, and Alice?
>"Well I have to go study. I'll see you three tomorrow." Amy, Jan, and
>Bryce got up to leave.
Joel: This could've been a ton easier... "All exeunt".
Crow: NO ONE will be admitted during the breathtaking ENTERING AND
>"You coming Jason?"
>"I have some things I need to take care of. I'll meet you back
Crow <singing> Let's... pad... out the fic... stretch... it... to
the... limit... then let's.... allll... fly a kite!
Tom: No, I'd NEVER intentionally BUY those ecchi mangas... really!
>When the others left the apartment Jason turned to Darien.
>"Darien we have to talk." Jason began, as he got up. "I didn't
>to bring it up in front of the others but you need to know."
Mike <Jason>: Your fly's open, man.
Tom <Darien>: I'm sorry Jason, but you can't have my Bud Light...
Crow <Jason>: I have a fear of success and I'm tempted to sabotage
our mission to feel better.
Joel <Jason>: I'm really not Jason. I'm a lab mouse in the middle
of an elaborate plan to take over the world.
Mike <Darien>: What?
Tom <Jason>: That's what!
>"There's a fourth member of the Warlords. He's a magi named IO.
Crow: Hasn't the Io Saga already been done?
Tom: Sadly Ritsuko had him slaving away in NERV with the other MAGI...
>I don't know what happened to him in the final mission. I'm worried
>that he may have joined the other side. If that is so he must be
Crow: The other side are a bunch of murderers! That's why we've got to
bump them off!
Joel <Darien>: Well, since we're good and all, shouldn't we try to
him and all?
Mike <Jason>: Oh sure, and while we're at it, let's send them a candy-
gram and hug them while giving foot massages! You thundering
>"Why are you telling me this?"
>"Because if the time comes, you must be the one to kill him."
Joel <Darien>: And how do I kill him?
Mike <Jason>: With...a HERRING!
Tom <Jason>: We won't do it ourselves because... blood is, like, icky!
>"Part of his powers renders him immune to our powers. Only your
>have a chance of harming him."
Tom <Darien>: Can't you use a gun or something?
Mike <Darien>: Me? Actually be effective?!? BWAHAHAHAHA!
Joel <Darien>: Well, that kind of makes you guys useless doesn't it?
Crow <Jason>: Well..we have spiffy clothes.
>"I see. So you want me to kill him if he turns out to be bad?"
>"Yes. The same thing would happen to us if we turned. Only thing
>our executor would be Sailor Pluto."
Joel <Darien>: Would I be your beneficiary in that case?
Mike: Scene five: The characters continue to discuss how it *might* be
if something were actually going on in the fic.
>"Wow, you guys sure take it calmly."
>"The others don't know. The only reason I know is because Pluto
Mike <Darien> That would make you my... waitaminute...
Tom: Now is this before or after the duels with Saionji and Juri?
>She told me that if it comes down to that, she would not hesitate."
>Jason left. Darien stayed awake a long time thinking about what
Crow <Darien>: What was the middle part? Something about a mage?
>'Do I have what it takes to kill a person?' he wondered.
Tom <Darien>: Hell, I couldn't even flush Goldy down the toilet for
week. For all I know, he's still in there behind all the algae.
Crow <Darien>: Maybe if I read them some poetry it'll make them turn
back to good. Ahh, here's a good verse from the book of Vogon!
>In a well appointed house on the outskirts of Tyoko a figure rose form
>his bed to stare out a window.
Tom: It's Judge Brainitite II: Revenge of the Incoherent!
>"Their finally here." Nick mused to himself. Nick was of average
>build and height.
Crow: This Fic has been written by SNK, masters of Engrish since
Samurai Showdown 2!
Mike: Nick was so average he even had 2.5 kids!
>His eyes held a intensity that looked like they could command your
>soul. "I've been waiting a long time for them to arrive."
Joel <Nick>: I'm gonna get 'em all! And their little flaming
skull too! MWAHAHAHA!!
Crow: We need more villains named "Nick" in fanfics, don't we guys?
>The next morning at Ray's Temple the scouts plus Darien and the
>Warlords were holding a meeting.
Joel <Serena>: Okay, who's got the minutes?
Crow <Mina>: It's ahh... about eleven thirty.
Tom <Pluto>: I do, of course.
Mike <Darien>: I move the Amendment to the Amendment to the Question.
Joel: I do not wish to consider Darien's movement...
Tom: I picture it to be an allegro con brio.
>"Typhus has been our guardian for a thousand years. I don't care
>you don't like him Ray, he's staying."
Joel <Raye>: But he's a major bonehead!
Mike <Raye>: And a fire Hazard!
>"A floating flaming skull is your guardian? Whose idea was that?
>They obviously must have been insane."
Tom: The author!
>"My father made him our guardian. You want to argue with Lord Hades?"
Crow <Raye>: Sure, I have a whole planet's worth of mana behind me!
I'll rip Hades a new one.
Tom <lawyer>: Actually Lord Hades is now a trademark of Disney and
Buena Vista Telepictures. From now on please refer to them as that
Greek Hell God...
Mike <Jason>: How about Diablo?
Tom <lawyer>: Property of Blizzard
Mike <Jason>: D'oh!
>Jason and Ray had been fighting for the whole meeting over Typhus.
>Bryce and Jan were getting sick of it all.
Joel <Bryce>: Knew I shouldn't have snacked on Usagi's salmon mousse...
>"Look Ray, what have you got against him?" Jan asked when the two
>combatants stopped to take a breath.
Mike <Raye>: He's got flaming halitosis!
Joel <Raye>: Pictures of him with a donkey, why do you ask?
>"He's a flying skull that's on fire!"
>"So? You guys have two cats with crescent moon marks who can talk.
>Not to mention a guy who makes a floral arraignment deadly."
Tom: You mean he sends flowers to appear before a court?
Joel: Tuxy's the Perry Mason of the horticultural world.
Crow <Raye>: Well, we can take the cats out in public and not look
freaks. Having a flaming skull follow us just raises so many
>"Hey! What's wrong with my roses?"
>"Nothing. Unless the fact that their slow, puny, and don't do enough
Tom <Jan>: C'mon, look at the youmas! They only end up with double-
digit white damage points popping up after you throw 'em!
Mike <Jason>: But we still need you to kill Io! Honestly!
Joel <Darien>: I know my flowers aren't that great. But every time
been in big trouble, they always rose to the occasion!
>"ENOUGH!!!" Bryce had finally lost it. "You scouts do what you
>We'll do what we want. Just stay out of our way"
Joel <Bryce>: Okay, I'll draw a white line across the table. You stay
on your half of the temple, we'll stay on ours
>"Look. Were all a little tense. Why don't we talk about this
>tomorrow when we're all calmer?" Jason asked.
Crow: Yes, all the action in this fic is wearing us all out.
Mike <Jason>: And from now on, let's do our talking somewhere other
than the local Starbucks....
Tom <Raye>: NO! N-NEED MY MORNING TRIPLE LATTE!
>Ray got up and stomped off. "Well that takes care of that.
Oh by the
>way I have two tickets to the concert in the park. Would you like
Joel <Amy>: Who's playing?
Mike <Jason>: Bryan Adams, Alanis Morrisette, and Barenaked Ladies.
Joel <Amy>: The hell, did we get invaded by Canada without warning?
>Amy was a bit shocked at Jason question. "Well I have some studying to
>do, but I guess I can go."
>"Great. Lets go." Jason and Amy got up and left.
Mike: Once again... EXTREME... DEPARTING.... ACTION!!
Crow <Amy>: Oh god, I have to sack up with another self-insert
character... kill me NOW!
>"I have to get to work. I'll see you later meatball head." Darien
>up and gave Serena a kiss before leaving.
Tom <Darien>: Andrew promised me extra quarters if I come in five hours
early! Whoopie, I can play more Sailor V!
Crow <Serena>: but what will I do with a Gene Simmons?
>"Hey Mina would you like to do something?" Bryce asked as he got up to
>"Sure why not?" Mina left on Bryces arm.
Mike: Got up to... got? Huh?
Tom: Mina want a cracker?
Crow <Bryce>: I shall dub thee... Mini Mina!
>"Looks like it's just you and me Lita. Hey would you like to check
>out that new restaurant?"
Tom <Lita>: No... I gotta go home and resort my sock drawer.
Crow <Lita>: Why don't you go bug Raye? You live with her now...
Joel <Jan>: She can't stand us, being the only senshi with any
>"Sure." Lita left with Jan. In the corner Luna and Artemis
>discussing the Knights.
Joel: I thought they were the Warlords?
Crow <Artemis>: The Knights of Columbus is having another one of
those neato pancake breakfasts tomorrow morning, wanna come?
Mike <Luna>: But I already promised my time to the Delta Knights'
>"I don't remember that much about them. But I do remember that
>were very protective of the scouts." Luna gazed at Artemis "What do
Crow <Artemis>: Tuna... Salmon... Rainbow trout... Oh, did you say
>"Not all that much myself. I think that they were on our side.
>happen to remember that they didn't use their powers very much because
>they were so powerful."
Tom, Joel <Warlords>: We're mighty men of manly might.
Crow <Artemis>: Wouldn't want to kill the youma too much now, they
might get mad and come back to life.
Joel <Luna> Yeah, I hear they once leveled a ten story building with
Tom: Yeah, a Katapillar.
>"What did they use?"
Joel <Luna>: Pies!
Crow: Beef lard and candle wax.
Mike: Supreme righteousness and writing skills that would shame John
Candy from "Delirious".
Mike: Kidney stones!
>"I remember that when it came down to hand-to-hand combat they were
>supreme. However they did have some long range weapons. I
>remember what they were."
Tom: Nude pictures of The Starlights!
Crow: It was the impressive BEER PROJECTILE VOMIT attack!
Joel: Three or four battlecruisers with a detachment of cloaked
Tom: Tic tacs!
Mike <Artemis>: But their power couldn't affect the color yellow,
thus making them useless against the invaders.
>"Maybe they still have those weapons."
>"I hope so. Their powers were incredible. I'll see you later Luna."
>Artemis leapt off.
Crow: Behold! Stock Fanfiction Text!
Mike: If only we could have a guest appearance from a certain Gordon
Shumway... THEN this fic would be at least a bit interesting.
>"Why do I feel like this is a gonna be a bad week?" Luna asked
Crow <Air>: Reply hazy. Ask again.
Tom <Air>: Why ask me? I'm just your breathing medium?
>"Because it will be." Typhus appeared slightly above and behind
>who had leapt six feet in the air.
Mike <Typhus>: Dammit, get your ass OUT of my face!
Tom: Who needs a magic eight ball when you've got the magical fairy
helper flaming skull?
Joel <Typhus>: STARS SAY YES
>"Don't to that!!" Luna backed away from Typhus. "What do you mean that
>this is gonna be a bad week?"
Joel <Typhus>: Have you seen the Dow trends lately? I'm gonna lose
shirt... if I wore one.
>"The latest Intel is that Nemesis is coming!"
Mike: I thought the latest Intel was down 1.03 on a fourth quarter
Tom <Luna>: Doesn't matter... MY stocks are in agribusiness, not
Crow: The Intel Nemesis... not advertised by the Blue Man Group.
Mike <Luna>: And who EXACTLY are your sources, Mr. Skullhead?
Joel <Typhus>: STARS SAY YES
>"He makes Queen Beryl look like Santa Claus.
Crow <Luna>: So that fat red bastard actually exists? Why don't
Joel <Beryl>: Now, sit on the NegaQueen's lap and tell her what you
want for Christmas...
>Beryl was interested in ruling this planet. Nemesis is only interested
>in destroying it."
Tom: And once he's destroyed it, THEN he wants to rule over it. Makes
for much easier administration.
Mike: Oh, so he's a DBZ reject.
>"You must be joking!"
Joel <Typhus>: No, I'm Typhus.
Crow <Luna>: Well, at least we don't have to do that stupid, "and don't
call me Shirley" schtick.
Joel <Typhus>: If I was joking, I'd say "A priest, a rabbi, and
Lawrence Welk walk into a bar..."
Crow <Luna>: You can't make jokes about Lawrence Welk!
>"I'm not. The last time he was in this systems we fought him on
>zephyr. That planet was destroyed in the battle.
Mike: So... how did the Warlords survive?
Joel <Typhus>: I guess we just walked right into his objectives!
Crow <Luna>: And it's all the fault of the Warlords, right?
Joel <Typhus>: Uhh...
>It now forms the asteroid ring between Mars and Jupiter. The knights
>were so seriously hurt that it took ten years for them to heal."
Tom: and you thought D&D healing rates were silly.
Crow <Luna>: Knights? What knights?
Joel <Typhus>: Oh, that's the group I had before...
Crow <Luna>: What happened to them?
Joel <Typhus>: They refused to listen to my warnings about eating raw
cookie dough. Three salmonella deaths later, I'm the mascot of
>"Yeah ten years. In the final battle the Warlords ordered the scouts
>back and then used their forbidden powers."
Tom <Typhus>: They used the Pink Sugar Heart Attack.
>"You really don't want to know Luna. Look I have to get going.
>see all of you later."
Mike <Typhus>: Umm... I have a roast in the oven. And I left
on. And the coffeepot plugged in. GAH!
Joel <Typhus>: That fills my expositionary contract clause. I'm
>"Right see ya." Luna found herself talking to empty air.
>already disappeared. "I really hate it when he does that!"
Crow: And what she says to the air is, "Why do I feel like this is
going to be a bad week?"
Joel <Typhus> STARS SAY YES.
>Night fell over the city and low moans could be heard coming from the
>bedrooms of three certain girls.
Crow, Tom, Mike <Shampoo, Ukyou and Kodachi>: I knew we shouldn't have
eaten that 'friendship cake' Akane Tendo made!
>'Ohh boy another night in the trees.' Artemis had arrived home late
Joel <Artemis>: Since Mina's busy, I'll just hunt for that hooty owl
that's been bugging me for the last couple nights.
>The moans coming from Mina's window told Artemis that Mina needed to
>be alone. 'not that I mind living with Mina, but sometimes her womanly
>desires can be a bit much.
Joel <Artemis>: I'm not able to satisfy her all by myself...
Crow <Artemis>: How can one woman desire so much chocolate, ice cream,
and strawberries? EVERY night?
>Maybe I should just take a small peek. Don't want her to hurt
>herself.' (BIG!!! GRIN!!)
Tom: SPLIT!!! FACE!! PAY!!! PLASTIC SURGEON!!
>Artemis leapt up to Mina's window. The sight of Mina and Bryce
>together was enough to almost stop his heart.
Tom: The sight of "Michelle" and "Amara" there as well was what
finished the job.
Mike <Artemis>: Wow, wish I brought a camera.
>'WOO I must be losing my mind. I have to get out of here.' Artemis
>bounded off into the night.
Mike <Artemis>: Did I just see a grown man banging a middle school
student? No, I couldn't have... could I?
>"Where were you last night!?!" Ray screamed at Jason, Jan, and Bryce
>as they walked into the shrine the next morning.
Joel: Has she done anything at normal sound levels this fic?
Tom <Jason>: Sowing our wild Canadian seeds.
Mike <Bryce>: We took a break from being omnipotent to just be potent.
Crow: If there was any justice in the world, they were brought up on
charges of plane hijacking late last night.
>"Got lost and spent the night in a park." Jason muttered as he sat on
Tom <Jason>: Actually, I spent the night park*ing*...
Crow: That's the last time we use Ryouga as a tour guide.
>"Got drunk and woke up in a alley. Please don't yell so loud." Jan
>said as he buried his head in his hands.
Joel <Jan>: A *bowling* alley, no less... oorg...
Tom <Jan>: There was this really creepy guy with huge robes back
>"Any you?" Ray asked Bryce who seemed to be trying to conceal a big
Mike <Bryce>: Yeah, there's plenty of me.
Joel: BIG!!! HIDDEN!!! GRIN!!
>"What do you mean ask Mina?
Crow <Bryce>: Do I have to draw you a diagram? This is Mina, this is
you asking Mina...
>What would she have .. to .. oh" Ray finally made the connection.
Tom: A bit slow on the uptake, the downtake, and the all-around take...
>"Bryce!! I thought we all agreed not to tell her." Jason was a bit
>"All three of you?!"
Crow <Raye>: With *MINA*? You perverts!
Mike <Raye>: You could've at least saved some for Lita, she's
>"I was with Amy, Jan was with Lita, and Bryce you know about."
>"How could you do this to my friends!?" Ray was really, really pissed
Joel <Jason>: Well, if your grandfather hasn't explained this to you
yet, we'd be willing to demonstrate for you...
Crow: So, Jason screwed Amy in the park, and Jan did it with Lita in a
>"Hormones?" Jan took one look at Ray expression "Uh actually Lita
>asked me to stay. She said that it got very lonely at times."
Tom <Jan>: That shrine to her old classmate was something else
Crow: Man, can we do away with these guys yet? Sailor Pluto, an
Mike: You could have an Eva step on them, but that only keeps 'em out
for a day or so.
>Same story with Amy. But I think she got more that she bargained for."
Mike <Jason>: And yes, the blue IS natural.
>All the time they were arguing Serena, Amy, Mina, Lita, and the cats
>had been standing off to one side listening.
Crow: You mean these three guys are bragging about their conquests IN
FRONT OF the girls they just boffed? How rude!
Mike <Mina>: An alley, Lita? Honestly, even *I* have better class
Joel: Someone is going to get an Oak Evolution in the last place you
want an Oak Evolution to be.
>Blushes decorated three faces while the cats were both slack jawed.
>Serena was looking at Amy with a look of envy.
Crow <Amy>: Hey! I'M the VICTIM, here!
Joel <Serena>: Nobody thinks to check MY natural hair color...
>Why don't you ask us Ray??" Lita demanded in a belligerent tone.
Mike <Raye>: 'Cause I didn't know you guys swung that way. Guess
the rumors are true...
Joel <Luna>: Say... does anyone want to hear what Typhus told me
yesterday about Nemesis coming to destroy the world?
Crow: No, they'd rather talk about last night's lay.
>"WHAT!?!" Ray having been unaware of her friends presence spun on her
>heel and tripped. No one could contain their laughter as Ray kissed
Tom: Umm, Sailor Mars is the one senshi that fights in *pumps*, right?
And she's supposed to be uncoordinated? Yeah, right.
Crow <Raye>: Since when did we pave the inside of the shrine?
>"What's so funny?" Ray demanded as she got up
>"Nothing, nothing Ray." Serena said waving her hands as she backed up
>from the enraged Ray.
Joel <Raye>: Vertae klaatu... barada...
Mike <Raye>: Okay, deep breath. Remember, you NEED these people,
kill them YET... aww, screw it. BURNING MANDALA!!
>As Ray was opening her mouth to deliver a response the ground rolled
Mike: Hey hey hey! It's Fat Albert!
Joel <Raye>: I give! He ain't jumping on us!
Mike: And the author's telling us that story so he can tell us this
>Stone buckled as a gigantic humanoid figure emerged from the bowels of
Joel <Hades>: I hear that you three hose-heads think you're my sons.
Well, I have news for you... you ain't. Go back to Canadia, you
Tom <Ryouga>: Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to the Tendo Dojo?
>"What the fuck is that thing?!" Lita screamed as the figured
>backhanded her, she was thrown 20 feet away into a tree. She slumped
>on the ground unconscious.
Crow: She was "backhanded" and "thrown" at the same time?
Joel <Rock Monster>: Hi. I'm the monster d'jour. I'm here
beaten up by SI's. I'll bill you later
Mike: He had the language disclaimer at the start, guess he had to
justify it somewhere.
>"LITA!! That does it!" Jan smashed his right hand into his chest. As
>soon as his hand hit the are over his heart darkness engulfed his
Tom <Jan>: Start, damn you heart! Now is not the time to stop
Mike: Joseph Conrad is NOT amused.
Joel: He emerged with a red-painted head, black robes, and a double-
Mike: Nah, he emerged with red hair, short, kinda flat-chested, and was
Tom: SIs casting "Dragon Slave"? You ARE a masochist.
>The darkness seemed to melt away leaving Jan in his armor. "No one
>messes with my girlfriend! Prepare to die fiend!!"
Tom <Jan>: No! I can't get it off! Where are those elf-strippers when
you need them?
Mike: Meanwhile, Lita's enjoying the BEST sleep she's ever had when an
SI's hit town...
>"That's a good idea. Why don't you girls run along and we will
>with the monster." Jason asked as he changed.
Mike: From Mr. Sensitive to a complete ass.
Crow: Is it just me, or would EVERYONE like to see a three-way fight
with the Senshi coming out on top?
>"Girls get out of here. I won't let any of you get hurt." Bryce
>yelled as he changed. "All right asshole time to die!"
Tom: Hey kids, what time is it?!
All: It's ASSHOLE TIME!!
>"We can take care of ourselves." Mina shot back. As if to illustrate
>her point the creature swept all four girls away with one stroke of
Joel: Well, *they*ve been taken care of. Now, can you do the same for
the SIs, monster?
Crow: Hey, the creature stole that bit from the end of a Spinal Tap
Tom: Hey, Author... mind describing this evil being with more words
than just "creature"? For all we know, he could look like Sweetums.
Mike: H.R. Puffinstuff?
Tom: Or Snuffleupagus...
>"No argument!" Titan yelled as he pulled out a sword. (don't ask from
Tom: Ouch. That's gotta hurt!
Crow: And if you don't reveal that in fact it WAS from his sock,
we're all better off fic.
Joel <Titan>: Ow! Somebody, get me an anesthetic enema!
Crow <Bryce>: JA-son! Write that I have a scabbard, you pervert!
Mike <Jason>: No! I wanted Mina, you punk! But you got
and I had to settle for the brainiac nerd!
Tom: Hey, if the staves come from magical beer cans, what about the
Joel: Bowls of poutine.
>It was you every day run of the mill sword except for the runes
>glowing on the blade.
Joel: The runes read "Not to be taken orally"
Mike: "Or stored anally".
>"Chaos Sword Strike!" Energy pored into the blade which glowed a
Tom: See, he DID steal it from Gourry.
>Titan then swung the now glowing sword at the creature. Surprisingly
>the figure (Which is 20 feet tall) simply ducked under the swing.
Crow: For those of you having trouble visualizing the scene, which
should be ALL of you, just think of that old Nintendo game "Punch-
Mike: Don Flamenco strikes back!
>"Dark Cannon Blast" A blast of pure black energy signaled Charon
>entrance into the fight.
Crow <Titan> Damn! I missed! It will take me at least an hour to charge
up another swing!
Joel: Which means that Oberon is *still* picking his toenails.
Tom: It illuminated the glow powder they'd sprinkled on the monster
>The solid black beam hit the creature and was absorbed.
Joel: The monster must be made by Charmin,...
Mike: They fighting Eat-Man or something?
Crow <Jason>: Creature from hell, dark powers... dammit, why won't
dark powers work against it?
>"OH shit!!! Oberon give us a hand here!"
>"Dark Sting!" Oberons shadow seemed to lengthen and once it was under
>the monster it curled back into a scorpions stinger.
Tom <Charon>: You're attacking it with *Sting*? Sheesh, try someone
a little more current, like Goldberg!
Crow: He brings the Dark Police...
Joel: Meanwhile, Titan goes back to picking *his* toenails...
Mike: Kaishira! Kaishira! Where'd you find the scorpion, B-ko?
>The creature wasn't even phased by it.
>"What do we do now?"
>"Use our powers."
Tom <Titan>: No! Not the...
Mike <Charon>: Yes. We must... do the Dragon Half final theme
Start the music, Oberon!
Joel <Oberon>: Just a minute... where'd I put my copy of Beethoven's
Seventh....ahh! There it is!
Tom <Titan, singing>: Papara funi funi, papara hoe hoe...
Mike <Charon>: Tomato wa dame! Watashi no mono! Tako wa
>"Eternal Whisper!" A globe of pure black energy formed at Charon's
Crow: Have YOU ever had the frightening spectre of halitosis threaten
you in public situations?
Tom: It's like the Dead Scream, only quieter.
>It flew strait at the monster, hitting the creature in its chest. One
>it impacted there was a tremendous explosion, that threw everyone back
>a few feet.
Crow: Didn't this all occur inside the temple? Does that mean they
just blasted the crap out of Raye's home and primary place of
business? Grandpa is gonna be hella-pissed.
Joel: One: it impacted. Two: there was an explosion. Three: it
threw everyone back. Four: feet. Five: right out.
Mike: Six: There is NO.... rule six.
All: Seven: NO POOFTERS!
>Serena picked her self up and stared at where the monster had been. A
>huge crater, at least ten feet in diameter had been blasted into the
Crow: Didn't they import the Canucks to clean up stuff like this?
Tom <Raye>: You bastards! You killed Asphalt! S-speak to
me my love!
>Of the monster there was no sign.
Mike: Genma was immediately called to the scene to rectify the
Joel <Raye>: Where'd the monster go? Could this giant smoking crater
have something to do with its mysterious disappearance?
>"What the hell was that?!" Lita exclaimed as she got up. She had
>arm wrapped around her ribs.
Joel: You know, those things really should be IN your torso.
>"That was my power." Charon stated simply as he picked himself up.
Tom: Charon summons monsters?
Crow <Charon>: I bet you never guessed beans could be so lethal.
>Elsewhere in the universe
Mike <Yurika>: Akito! Akito! Akito! Akito?
Tom <Goza>: Bring me the head of Justy Ueki Tylor!
Crow <Tenchi>: We're going back to Jurai *again*?
Joel <Wufei>: Everyone who fights must die!
>"Milord we have picked up a energy reading from the third planet in
>the Sol system."
Mike: It looks like...Sabrina?
>"What kind of reading?"
Crow: Dear Penthouse...
Joel: "I am Sam. Sam I am."
"Analysis indicated that the energy signature matched that of Charon."
Tom: With refreshing Retsyn!
Joel <person>: But Charon orbits the NINTH planet in the Sol system!
Quit yanking my crank!
>"Its been a thousand years. Are you sure that it him?"
Mike <person>: Are you REALLY sure? You did eliminate the bleeps,
sweeps, and creeps... right?
>"Very well. Prepare the fleet."
>"Were going to kill that asshole even if we have to destroy the
Crow: The Phantom of Krankor really became senile in his later days,
Tom: WE'LL GET RID OF THOSE DAMN SI CHARACTERS YET!
>In another dimension
Mike <Jinnai>: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Crow <Naga>: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Tom <Tokimi>: Nobody knows a damn thing about me...
Mike <Miaka>: Tamahome!
Joel <Tamahome>: Miaka!
Tom <Noriko>: Get a *room*, you two...
Crow <Hitomi>: Van! Allen! Belts!
Joel <Quinn Mallory>: Hey, what am *I* doing in this MST?
>"Master we have a report from spies on Earth."
>"What is it?"
Crow <aide> It's what they tell us about what's going on, but that's
not important right now.
>"Prepare the armies."
Joel <Master> Warlords, you say? Load my elephant rifle and my
while you're at it.
Tom <aide>: Master, do you want them fried, broiled or oven baked?
Joel <Master>: Surprise me.
>"This time we won't lose."
>"As you say master."
Crow: And the characters from "Pyros" end their great cameo. Let's
give them a hand, folks! The skeletal aid really does need it...
>Fourth Imperial Star Fleet.
Mike: Hey, it's Exofleet! Along with their Knight Squadron!
Tom: ANOTHER gratuitous insertion of random enemies? I bet there's a
big chapter 2 planned!
Crow <Napier> Mind if we get Jimmie "J.J." Walker away from the screen?
Every time he says "Dyno-MITE", we all want to strangle him sir...
>"Energy readings from Earth admiral."
>"What about them?"
>"They match Lord Charon's power sir."
Tom <Kodos> In that case... remember our story. We're newlyweds
way to Earth Capital.
Joel: If there's energy enough to match Charon's power, it must be
Mike: How dangerous can Charon be?
Joel: He's ten feet wide of dangerous.
>"Impossible!! He died a thousand years ago."
>"The computer says that it was his power sir."
Tom <Napier>: Of course, the computer has been saying many strange
things ever since we received that email with Anna Kournikova
Crow <Winfield>: I told you not to open the attachment!
>"Very well. Set course for Earth and order the fleet to join us."
>"Where there is one, the rest are near."
Crow <Napier>: The rest of the fleet is currently busy trying to take
care of Captain Harlock, sir. Would you like them to disengage?
Tom <Winfield>: But I thought Fifth Fleet was tasked to Marrissa Picard
Mike <Napier>: They were soundly beaten, and the hulls of their ships
had to be sandblasted...
>END of Chapter 1
Joel: Hey! The author's as relieved as we are!
Mike: Yep, no more Mountain Dew high for the author, it's bedtime.
--Satellite of Love
Tom entered the bridge area dressed in armor with black edging.
Following him were Mike dressed in set of black sweats, and Joel
wearing a blue pair. From the right side Crow entered, carrying a
broom and wearing a traditional Shinto priestess' outfit (red pants
with a white 'shirt').
"Hey Ray!" Mike called from the side. "Mind doing the rest of
chores while we go out and finish bagging the rest of the Scouts?"
"YOU GET BACK HERE, JASON!! OOH, YOU WERE OUT WAY TOO LATE LAST
NIGHT!" Crow yelled from the side.
Tom sidled up to her and suddenly a skull dropped down from the
ceiling, hanging by a rather obvious piece of twine. The skull was
little more than dented papier-mache and had red streaks painted on it.
"Mind looking after Typhus while we're gone, Ray?"
Crow took a deep breath... "YES, I DO MIND! EVERYTHING THAT
YOU DO I
MIND!!!" Crow screeched as he drew the broom back and forth across the
"Well, we're going to leave anyway Ray. Our loins are a-stirring
the Scouts need OUR protection!" Joel laughed. "Man, I'm glad we came
here... we already told Grandpa that you'll be covering our chores for
the rest of the evening, babe. You and Typhus have fun! Let's
boys, I'm sure Lita wants more and more!"
Tom, Mike, and Joel left the bridge to Crow's screaming, "GET BACK
HERE YOU THREE DELINQUENTS! THE CANADIAN GOVERNMENT IS LOOKING FOR
ON CHARGES OF BRIBING! AAAAAAHHHH!!!" Crow twirled around and fell
the floor as the red light started flashing. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, SIRS?"
Crow yelled from the floor.
"Wow, Dr. F," Frank exclaimed, "Now Steppenwolf's 'Magic Carpet
Ride' is a minute and a half long! And you can fit all of the best
Pink Floyd on one-half of a CD! That's amazing!"
"And lucrative. Until next time, boobies..."
And this should at least rank rather highly on the list of "projects
that have been delayed the longest". I thank all of the people that
were involved in this for giving of their time, efforts, and energy and
I apologize over the extreme lateness of this project. There were
fully three different groups of MSTers that had their hands in this at
different times... the first group obviously is the live-action MSTers
that took this on May 12, 2001 in an out-of-the-way corner of the Anime
Central convention in Chicago, IL. I thank them for attempting to do
what I'm not sure too many others have done, especially as I wrote down
riffs longhand into a notebook.
On top of this, it had to be finished three separate times through
IRC, letting a bunch more people look at it and riff on it. The full
list of authors:
Blaine "Khy" Houle
Stephen "Nightman" Cornett
Douglas "SerDouglass" Weeks
James "Ton-chan" Holzhauer
Editing done by Zoogz and Megane 6.7
Host segments written by Zoogz.
If you have any feedback or comments about this MST, feel free to
Keep circulating the fanfics.
>"That's a good idea. Why don't you girls run along and we will
>with the monster." Jason asked as he changed.
The FFIRC Archives