Cambot panned through the satellite, finally stopping on the desk.
More accurately, what was on the desk.  A full tea set, complete
with saucers and cups, decorated the top of the desk.  Coming in
from the right were Tom Servo, dressed in a sport jacket, Mike
Nelson in his usual jumpsuit, and Crow T. Robot sporting a turtleneck
and his sensible pants.

 "Hey, folks!  Welcome to the Satellite of Love... today, I finally
convinced the bots that tea time is not only relaxing, it is a great
way to spend every day!"

 "Wait up there, Winston Churchill... you never said anything about
*every* day!"

 Mike looked at Crow, and replied, "Oh, I didn't mention it?
How could I have overlooked that?  At any rate, we'll be right
back."

***
 

 Yes, it's another FFIRC Group MSTing! Enjoy! Previous
collaborative work by (more or less) the same group can be
found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst .
 Visit us on IRC channel #fanfic, server irc.newberry.edu or via
Java at http://irc.newberry.edu:8080 .
 

 Mike and the Bots are the creations of Joel Hodgson
and Best Brains. Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko
Takahashi. "Final Attempt" belongs to Suika Roberts. All of
these are used without permission or legal right. This
MSTing is intended for amusement, with no offense intended
toward Ms. Roberts.
 

***
 

 The Satellite of Love was a disaster area, chipped and
broken porcelain strewn about the bridge everywhere.  Mike
held his head in his hands as the two bots kept trying to
snickersnag the other.  "It just couldn't last..."

 "Face it, Nelson, there was no way you could get us
through one of these, much less a daily cycle," Crow
responded

 "Oh, I don't know... I can always reprogram the two of
you... You'd like to be Horshack again, wouldn't you,
Crow?"

 "Don't you dare, Nelson!  I'll sick Gypsy on you!"

 Servo finished trying to snickersnag on Crow by now, and
floated up to desk level.  "Hey, Mike, Dirty and Hairy are
calling..."

 "Oh, okay..."
 
 

 "Ahh, greetings, culture aficionados... I hope tea time
has benefitted your relaxation?"  Dr. Forrester smirked
into the screen."You'd better get that invention ready,
Mike, or I'm going to have to go first again..."
 
 

 "Just a second, Dr. F.  Let me drag these delinquents
away, and we can start..." Mike grabbed Servo by the bubble
dome and Crow by the net, and took them away from Cambot's
view.  Shortly thereafter, he returned with a thick book
and two noticeably better-behaving robots.

 "Best use of RAM chips yet... anyway, sirs, this week
we've invented something to help all those poor fic writers
out there who have to rely on Japanese to narrate the
action."

 "We've written a glossary!  And this glossary's got it
all!" Tom Servo exulted.  Mike opened it up on the table,
and Tom hovered over it to read from it.  "No longer will
writers need to use 'ohayo' or 'gomen nasai' simply because
they lack an appropriate English phrase. Like here, it says
for situations when it is early in the day, and you need
a greeting, here is one... 'Good morning!'"

 Crow pointed to another entry.  "This one here can be used
as a character reaches comprehension.  It reads, 'I
understand.'"

 "And for characters that return to their place of
residence, they can say, 'I'm home!'  What do you
think?"Mike said as he hit the red flashing button again.
 
 

 "Heh, boobies, that might be useful.  Anyway, here at the
'Idea Development' center, as we like to call it, we
created a machine that can churn out shameless lemons until
the cows come home!"

 Frank, who was busy with a piece of machinery connected to
a word-processor, stood up.  "Our invention is called 'The
Juicer', and boy does it do a number on your gut!"

 Dr. Forrester interrupted his assistant, who kept
tinkering with the contraption.  "You input any series
you'd like into the computer, and away it churns.  For
example, we've loaded the computer with 'Ranma 1/2', and we
shall see what lemonade 'The Juicer' will serve!"  Dr. F.
rubbed his hands together in glee.

 "Here's the first one, Steve... uhh, a ten kilobyte
spamfic featuring... Pansuto Tarou's cursed form and a
willing Tatewaki Kuno... I didn't know huge minotaur-type
things enjoyed bokkens of wood..."

 "C'mon, Frank, get another one served up!  We don't have
all day!"

 "The next one... a dark fic, featuring a three way yaoi
Genma, Soun, and Gosunkugi... that boy seems to be pretty
good at driving stakes..."

 "As you see, Mike, the possibilities are endless... and
all of them are ready to be posted!  All that's missing are
the comments telling us how sick we are!"

 "Oh, we'll be more than happy to provide them... that is
some sick stuff, Dr. F.," Tom replied to the screen.

 "I'm glad you approve, little robot.  Now, for your
pain... this week, we found a post by the name of 'Final
Attempt'!  By the end of it, you'll be wishing the author
kept at it!  Bring the hurt on 'em, Frank..."

 "Can do, Steve," Frank called back, rummaging through the
file cabinet.

 "And while we wait, Mike and friends, let's let the
'Juicer' work some more!  Let's see... here's a WAFF where
Kasumi realizes the only one she's ever wanted is... the
Bakeneko!  Hope cat fur is easy to clean, mwahahaha... and
another one, where Ranma decides that Akane is wrong for
him, and goes with... Kuroshiro the dog!  Oh, boy, here's a
choice one... Cologne decides the only one she could ever
find to truly satisfy herself... is herself!  Boy, that
should cause blindness..."

 "Oh, thank the Lord!  We have fic sign!!"  Mike hit the
counter's buttons and took Tom along with him, Crow sliding
underneath the desk...
 

> This is my first actual post, so any commentary, (to
> repeat myself) would be absotively wonderful ^_^_
> Thanks,

Mike: Okay, let's start by asking what the heck
 'absotively' means.

Tom: Absotively possolutely.

Mike: Thanks for clearing that up.
 

> ********************************************************
> wa ga yo o ba     Which might be higher --
> kyou ka asu ka    to these falls or the cascade
> matsu kai no        of the tears I shed
> namida no taki to in vain hope of prospering
> izure takaken       today or tomorrow?
>
>--from _Tales of Ise_ (c. 9th century)
>********************************************************

Crow: Sounds like babytalk to me.
 

> Final Attempt
>A story by Suika Roberts, Saint of Eris Discordia
>Based on the manga by Takahashi Rumiko, without the
>permission of anyone.

Crow: Thief!!

Mike: Hmm..Final attempt huh? One can only hope that is
 true..

Tom: Now WHO made this writer a saint?! Did I sleep through
 some sort of canonization ceremony here?

Mike: Thank you, George.

>``Great granddaughter, this is not a very good idea.''

Tom: (As Cologne ) "That fork is not for sticking into wall
 sockets!"

Crow: Writing this fic? No, it isn't.

Mike: When Cologne says the idea sucks, it sucks.
 

>``I have heard what you say. However, I won't accept my
>failure yet. I have to try this at least once.''

Mike: "Now hurry up and get your clothes off!"
 

>Shanpoo stares back at her Great-grandmother, knowing the
>argument about this course of action like the back of
>her hand.

Mike: "What that? Shampoo never see that blemish below
 middle finger before!"

Crow: Shanpoo?

Tom: Who's that?

Mike: Shampoo's cousin?

Crow: Ahh, I see.. Its a stand in!

Tom: Thats right. Shampoo's in the can!

Mike: You mean you wouldn't be?

Tom: Point.
 

>The potion worked almost everytime, provided those
>involved were not so incompatible that even the
>overwhelming power of the spell could not bridge the gap.

Mike: So it worked, except when it didn't?

Crow: What happens if they misfire? Use the potion on
 livestock or some such?

Tom: Then they're on the horns of a dilemma.

Mike: Some things are better left unsaid...
 

>It was used in the village when a marriage was falling
>apart and nothing else could save it.

Tom: Not even Krazy Glue?

Crow: Yes, then we FORCE them to be together with DRUGS!!!
 

>Half the time the marriage dissolved in a minimum of pain,
>and the other half it rose again and danced.

Crow: Maybe they should try this in the US!

Tom: Yeah, they'd probably make a killing off of it!
 

>``Remember that I warned you. If this fails you will give
>up on Ranma and we will return to China.''

Tom: Cologne give up on Ranma? Blasphemy!

Crow: Yeah, we all know she's deeply in love with him!

Mike: Well.. That's unsanitary...

Crow: (As Ranma) "Honey, I'm home! And I brought some
 depends!"
 

>*The eighteen months that the test was supposed to last
>expired half a year ago, and I am no longer honorbound to
>support this fool's quest.

Tom: yeah! I have other fools quest to support!

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Great-grandmother calling Shampoo
 fool?!"

Crow: (As Cologne) "Yes, didn't you hear me?"

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Shampoo just checking."
 

>I warned them that this was not a wise re-wording; like
>the last time they didn't listen; we almost ended up a
>British `protectorate' then.

Crow: (As Cologne) "Well, it's always the same, I always
 warn 'em... just a harmless little bunny rabbit,
 they said...."

Mike: Cologne, of course, runs China secretly.

Tom: Imagine the foreign relations problems if she ran it
OPENLY.
 

>If the British hadn't sent their ambassador's wife along
>they never would have believed me, and we would have been
>assimilated or killed.*

Tom: (As Cologne) "I am Cologne of Borg..."

Mike: When did the British become the Borg?

Crow: A borg Amazon... 'You be Assimilated'

Mike: That's not Amazon... that's street jive!
 

>``Hai, Obaba.'' Shanpoo bows, then turns back to her
>food, tasting it one last time before adding the last
>ingredient, checking the label four times to make sure.

Tom: Let's see...cyanide, hemlock...

Mike: And note that Shampoo is a Chinese person talking to
another Chinese person in an English dub, but the author
still feels the need to write her lines in Japanese.

Crow: (As Shampoo) "Great-Grandmother? Why we talking in
Japanese?"

Mike: (As Cologne) "Because the author is showing off her
knowledge, child!"
 

>``Akane, I'm sorry, but I can't let you poison me anymore.

Crow: (As Akane) "Why not?"

Tom: (As Ranma) "Because I can do it just fine by myself!"
 

>There are three things one needs to do while cooking.

Mike: Don't get the food wet, don't expose it to bright
 light, and don't feed it after midnight.

Tom: Light the burner, add the ingredients, stir, add
seasonings, add the... there are FOUR things one needs to
do when cooking....

Crow: Could you imagine her cooking hatching from a cocoon?

Mike: It's not much of a stretch.

Crow: Point.
 

>First, one must know what one is doing, which means one
>needs to follow a recipe with no substitutions until one
>has some experience.

Mike: I still have no idea who is speaking here.

Tom: All of these 'ones' must mean Kasumi's talking

Mike: When did Kasumi ever accuse Akane of poisoning?
 

>Second, one must know what one is putting in. Does Kasumi
>add vinegar when she means oil or oil when she means
>water?'' Akane shakes her head,

Crow: (As Akane) "Ahh, screw it! I'll just throw in the
kerosene!"

Mike: From the mention of Akane's name, evidently she's
talking to herself. Poor girl's gone off the deep end.

>``Last, one must taste what one is cooking as one adds
>ingredients, or the food won't be as good as it could be.

Crow: Whoever is speaking is already rampantly OOC as it
is...

Mike: And you were expecting any better?

Crow: Point.

Tom: (As Akane) "But if I tasted it, I would die of food
poisoning!"

Crow: Ranma went to army cooking school. "Your food can be
all it can be!"

Mike: One must stop using 'one' or one might get confused..

Tom: One would think so.

Crow: One would be inclined to agree...

Mike: One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do!
 

>When one is winging it, tasting the food is the only way
>to tell if it is going properly. You've watched Kasumi
>cook, right?'' Akane nods,

Mike: Winging it? Has Akane joined the Phoenix people now?

Crow: (As Akane) "I saw her and Tofu and boy did she ever!"

Mike: Crow...
 

>``Does she call you or Soun or Nabiki in to taste the food
>as she cooks it?'' Akane shakes her head,

Tom: Akane seems really passive.

Crow: Nod, shake, nod, shake...

Mike: Yeah, how'd Ranma even survive this far?

Crow: This is gonna be an OOC fest all 'round, looks like.

Tom: Now, now - where'd you get THAT idea?

Crow: It came to me in a dream!
 

>``Of course not. She knows what she wants it to taste
>like, so she tastes it as she goes along.''

Crow: In fact, by the time Kasumi's done, there's hardly
any food left at all!

Tom: Akane must have gotten into Kasumi's supply of little
pink pills to be this calm!
 

>Shanpoo's sudden arrival throws him off track, but Ranma
>turns it to his advantage, ``Shanpoo, when you cook do you
>taste the food as you go along to check how it is doing?''

Tom: (As Shampoo) "Of course not.I drop all my food on
the ground!"

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Shampoo always taste food. Except when
put secret Amazon potion in, of course!"
 

>``Of course. If not taste, how know did right.''

Tom: OK, baby-talk is going to a new level here.

Crow: Open wide, Shampoo! It's nummy-nummy food!

Mike: I!!You!!Use some pronouns!!!

Tom: We don' need no steenkin' pronouns!

Crow: Well... usually the people you cooked it for won't
fall over and die

Mike: (As Akane) "By feeding it to Ranma and watching his
reaction?"
 

>``Could you demonstrate for Akane? I'm trying to teach
>her to cook at least as well as me, but hopefully
>better.'' Akane looks a bit happier with the addition of
>this last clause.

Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, we have tense confusion!

Mike: We had that in the very FIRST paragraph.

Crow: Happier? How happy was she in the first place?

Tom: man... those pills must REALLY work..

Mike: Akane must have been possessed by the spirit of
Prozac!
 

>``Hai!'' Shanpoo says brightly, glad to have her iinazuke
>ask for something. She pulls the bowl of ramen out of the
>delivery box, sets it on the table, pulls a pair of
>chopsticks out and takes a bite.

Tom: (As Shampoo) "Yes, let me eat the food I POISONED
ALREADY!!!"

Mike: Okay.. either Shampoo's brain has been removed, or
the Plot Contrivance Meter is going into overdrive here.

Tom: Maybe the author's the one who had her brain removed?

Crow: Just where did Shampoo pull those chopsticks from?

Mike: Crow...

Crow: Well, inquiring minds want to know!
 

>``See? You try it, Akane, and see that it tastes good.''
>Akane goes along with this, and quickly takes a bite,
>neither of them noticing Shanpoo's suddenly worried
>expression.

Mike: NOW Shampoo's worried.

Tom: Evidently the writer of this subscribes to the "stupid
bimbo" characterization.
 

>A long moment passes with both Akane and Shanpoo being
>utterly silent. ``That wasn't very smart my love.''

Crow: And who's speaking NOW?

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Shampoo sorry for being idiot!"
 

>``No, I can't say as it was.''

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Oh, dear me I seem to have
miscalculated."

Crow: Did the potion teach Shampoo Japanese too?

Tom: She's located her pronouns.
 

>``What are you two talking about?'' Ranma is mildly
>bewildered by Shanpoo's sudden loss of her accent, and
>Akane's comment doesn't help. Akane reaches across the
>table and takes Shanpoo's hand, squeezing it lightly.
>Ranma hits quite bewildered.

Mike: (As Ranma) "Hey, you! Mister Quite Bewildered!"
** POW! **

Tom: Ranma then kicks slightly amazed and bodyslams
downright confused.

Crow: Then applies the atomic piledriver to extremely
perplexed!

Mike: That's Ranma. Always wrestling with his moods.
 

>``Shanpoo brought by a love potion. The only one that
>actually works that anyone has even heard of.

Mike: Except for the one that worked well enough to make
Ranma love Cologne

Tom: She didn't try this one earlier, of course, 'cause
it...worked...y'see.
 

>Everyone who ingests it within a certain radius and within
>about five seconds is affected, and it compresses about
>six months worth of relationship into a few seconds,
>defusing all the situations it can, transfering knowledge
>between them, and the end result is a very strong bond.''
>Akane replies, still stroking Shanpoo's hand.

Mike: As a side effect, it causes ten pages worth of
exposition to be transferred to the reader in a
single paragraph.

Crow: Hand stroking? You think by now they could find
something else to stroke!

Mike: Crow...
 

>``We both still like you, Ranma, but the potion only works
>once every twenty years or so on an individual, and you
>wouldn't like the left-out feeling you'd get if you came
>with us.We don't want to hurt you like that.'' Shanpoo
>continues, still accentless.

Mike: (As Akane) "So we'll leave you here to rot in your
 own solitude."
 

>```Come with you'? Where are you going?'' Faint confusion
>shows in Ranma's voice.

Crow: (As Butthead (As Ranma)) "Huh huh huh... she said
'come'"

Tom: Niagra?

Mike: Las Vegas?

Crow: Motel 6?
 

>``I'm going with my wife to China.'' Akane smiles
>happily, zoning out into Shanpoo's face.

Tom: (As Shampoo) "Ewww, look what you did, you zoned out
all over my face!"

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Shampoo love Akane... but if wife beat
Shampoo in combat, Shampoo KILL!"
 

>``What?Aren't you the least upset about this?'' Ranma
>demands, thinking about her ready way with a mallet.

Mike: Huh? Did I miss something?

Tom: The train? The deadline?

Crow: The boat!

Tom: The target!

Crow: The Point!!

Mike: OH STOP IT ALREADY!
 

>``I got over that a long time ago. There was nothing else
>to do about it. Shanpoo made a mistake, but that's OK, I
>love her anyway.''

Mike: Lesbian warrior Amazons, next on Geraldo!

Tom: Wouldn't it be Jerry Springer?

Crow: A long time ago?! Nearly forty seconds!
 

>``We think Ukyou might be able to help you cope with this,
>perhaps you should call her. The potion will still be
>potent for another couple hours. You should tell her what
>it is first, however.'' Shanpoo says, drawing Akane to
>her feet and starting up the stairs.

Mike: Of course, Ranma is so fickle that one girl is as
good as another to him.

Crow: Ukyou is well-versed at being leftovers.

Tom: Wait a minute...Shanpoo and Akane are going
upstairs?!?!
 

>*Nan tte koto!* Ranma suddenly hears the chopsticks he had
>in his hand snap, looks down to see a slow trickle of
>blood begin.

Crow: From the wood of the chopsticks... tougher than stone
walls, you know.
 

>*maybe I should call Utchan* Ranma starts to his feet,
>holding his palm to stop the bleeding, the shock on his
>face quite obvious.

Tom: We know he's shocked because we're told he is.
 

>``Moshi moshi? Utchan? I need to talk to you right now.
>Could you come over? Please? It's kinda urgent. Thank
>you so much.'' He doesn't notice the quaver in his voice.

Tom: (As Ranma) "Damn! I forgot to tell her to bring the
band-aid!"

Crow: Thank God Ukyou's the type to go with any guy on the
rebound! I thank the world every day for sluts like her!

Mike: Crow! What are you doing?! The fanboys will go nuts!

Crow: Bring 'em on!
 

>Setting the telephone reciever down before drifting to the
>bottom of the stairs he listens to the happy laughter from
>upstairs. *she's happy. I have to be happy for her*

Mike: (As Ranma) "My fiancee and love has been stolen away
by drugs. I must be happy!"

Crow: (As Ranma) "I will be Happy for her. I'll go and
steal her underwear."
 

>After a bit the laughter dies down and he hears Akane's
>door open and their footsteps. He walks quickly into the
>dinning room and sits down next to the bowl of congealing
>ramen. ``Will you write me?'' He asks as they walk by,
>each with a pair of suitcases, abject fear in his voice.

Tom: (As Shampoo) "No. Shampoo not allowed to write me, I,
or other pronouns!'

Mike: I think there's enough people writing him as it is...
 

>``Yes, we will.''

Tom: (As Akane) "And we'll take pictures too!"

Mike: (As Akane) "Heh heh. SURE we will. Right after the
wanton lesbian sex becomes boring."

Crow: (As Ranma) "Yes, I need to hear about how great your
relationship is so I'll REALLY be depressed"
 

>``Thank you. I don't think I could stand to lose you as
>friends as well.'' ``Don't worry about that. You will
>always have a special place in our hearts.'' Akane smiles
>at him as Shanpoo speaks, nods emphaticly.

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Yeah, right between the pulmonary vein
and my left liver."

Tom: Or the right ventricles!

Crow: Or the Aorta!
 

>``Hello? It's me.'' Ukyou's voice comes from the front,
>and Ranma follows Shanpoo and Akane toward the door.

Crow: (As Ranma) "Ukyou! Would you like to join our lesbian
 sex orgy?"

Mike: (As Ukyou) "SURE!"

Tom: (As Ranma) "Oh come on, just leave me one chick! Not
like I care which one."

>``Ukyou-san, please take care of him.'' Akane asks her
>after she opens the door and waves her in.

Crow: (As Ukyou) "Take care of him? Of COURSE I will! He's
 MINE! MINE! Get away from him, you hussies!"

Tom: (As Ukyou) "O.K.! Which toy you do want to try out
first, Ranchan?!"

Mike: Make sure to give him a bowl of food and water every
 night and brush him out daily, 'cause he sheds!

>``Shanpoo brought by a love potion to catch me with, but I
>was trying to get the basics of cooking through Akane's
>skull so she caught Akane instead.''

Mike: Always repeat plot points to the readers several
 times; it makes them plausible.

>``How does it work?''

Mike: Ukyou, of course, perks up at the thought of love
 potions...

Crow: (As Akane) "Well, you take this mini-spatula and rub
 it up against your...."

Tom: (As Akane) "Well, you put tab A into Slot B, unless of
course, they're both slots."

Mike: Guys...

>``From what I heard it provides six months of virtual time
>to be alone together in and some prodding of some sort to
>make things develop into love. Shanpoo said that the
>potion will work for another couple hours, so are you
>willing to do this?''

Mike: Become my drugged love puppy!We'll enjoy artificial
 happiness together!

Crow: Yeah! Let's take some MORE drugs!

>``Of course!How long does it take realtime?'' *It's
>awful that it should happen this way, but he will finally
>be mine!*

Mike: Oh, awful. I'm sure she's having such terrible
 compunctions about it.

>``A few seconds.'' Ukyou blinks, then makes a `lead on'
>gesture.

Crow: (As Ukyou) "I have to wait THAT long?!?"

>``We eat at the same time and it will kick in almost
>instantly.'' Ranma picks up a pair of chopsticks, looks at
>Ukyou. Unknown to either of them Kasumi had walked into
>the room, and looking at the bowl of congealing ramen,
>decided it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

Mike: It would be a shame not to stick in another plot
 contrivance here!

Crow: Kasumi, the harem queen...

Tom: At least she's not a white house intern!

Crow: Or a Biker Slut!

Tom: Or a--

Mike: Guys!

Tom: He's right. There's enough plugs in here already...

>She'd served herself some and wandered back to the
>kitchen. Ranma and Ukyou pick out a pinch of noodles each
>and, in a move that makes them both smile, offer it to the
>other.

Tom: Ranma decides at the last moment he doesn't want to
turn into a drugged-out idiot, and Ukyo and Kasumi
live happily ever after.

Crow: Would we ever get that lucky?

Tom: You're joking, right?

>The screen splits as Ukyou, Ranma, and Kasumi all take a
>bite of the ramen at the same time. All three go still
>for a few moments, Kasumi leaning back against the kitchen
>counter.

Tom: The screen splits?

Mike: Now that's a conspiracy

Crow: Is this script format, or are they using mosquito
 netting?

>Ranma and Ukyou blink, pick up the bowl of ramen and walk
>into the kitchen. ``'Sumi-chan, what should we do with
>this? It's too dangerous to leave about.''

Tom: (As Kasumi) "Dangerous? Oh my! I guess I'll need my
stomach pumped then!"

Crow: (As Kasumi) "We could pass this on to the Kunos!"

Mike: Certain authors might enjoy that too much.

Tom: That's right, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!

Crow: Yeah, like L--

Mike: No names, Crow. No names.

Crow: Right.

>``I don't know, Ran-chan. Shanpoo said they'd only be
>good another couple hours, so if you flush them they won't
>be any more trouble.''

Crow: They'll breed in the sewers!

Tom: Then all the rats will love each other!

Mike: "Look out. There's sicko turtles on the loose!"

Crow: Rats and snakes and alligators and turtles... ANIMAL
 ORGY!!

Mike: Now that's just sick...

Crow: I know I am but what are you?

>``Un. Wakatta.'' Ranma walks off to the toilet while
>Ukyou moves to slice the daikon Kasumi had set out.

Tom: "Say, did you know we're in Japan?"

Mike: "Wakatta" means "I gotta go take a dump."

Crow: I pity the poor sewage worker that has to go down
 there and clean up the mess..

Tom: "Wakatta?"

Mike: "Wakatta."

Crow: "Wakawakawaka."

>``I'm still sorry we didn't check before we ate those.''
>Ukyou looks down at her hands as she deftly makes
>paper-thin slices.

Tom: Check what? Was it past the sell-by date?

Crow: It makes paper thin slices, even to aluminum cans!
 It's the Ginsu!!

Tom: Is everyone in this in a passive, drugged-out stupor?

Mike: Yup, even before they actually take the drugs.

>``Don't worry Utchan, it wasn't your fault. I should have
>heard them talking about it having a love potion in it.
>Besides, why should I be upset at having such cute
>spice?'' Kasumi finishes gathering the supplies for
>dinner and moves to start on the daikon when she realizes
>that Ukyou has already started it. She takes another
>knife and starts the carrots.

Tom: (As Azusa) "OOh, that spice is so CUTE!! Basil!
Basil!"

Crow: /o~ If you wanna be my lover.../o~

Mike: Let's not go there.

Crow: Right-O

>``That is a really nice thing to say, 'Sumi-chan.'' Ranma
>says as she walks up to the other two, hugging them both.
>Ukyou shivers at the touch of her wet hair. ``Sorry 'bout
>the hair. Oyaji got after me for wasting food and tried
>to dunk me in the pond. I got splashed when I threw him
>in.''

Mike: Now WHERE is Ranma's hair touching Ukyo? He wears a
 pigtail, remember?

Tom: Use your imagination.

Crow: That's not what I'd use...

Mike: Crow...

>``I know you have to do that, Ran-chan, but do you think
>it would have worked to tell him that there was a love
>potion in it?''

Mike: Then he'd have used it on Nodoka.

Tom: No. Genma would just eat the thing anyway.

Crow: "Look out!Panda population gone berserk!"

>``No, but we'd better tell them all what happened. Mom'll
>be by for dinner, so we'll catch them then.'' Ukyou
>strokes Ranma's cheek as she speaks, then turns back to
>the mostly sliced daikon.

Mike: I have this strange suspicion that Mom'll end up
 eating some of that Ramen before the fic is over....

Tom: "Ukyou strokes"?

Crow: And WHICH cheek?

Tom: First hand now cheek.. WHY DOESN'T THIS FIC STROKE
SOMETHING IMPORTANT!?!

Crow: is it THE BUTT? Or THE OTHER CHEEK, maybe?

Mike: What did I tell you about plugs?

Crow: Sorry...

>``Fill that pot, start it, and string the peas.'' Ranma
>starts to work.

Tom: First love-drugs, now pot?

Mike: This truly is a junkie fic...

Crow: (As Ranma) "But whadda I fill it WITH?!"

Mike: Crow...

>``Obaba, you were right. Shanpoo didn't catch who she
>wanted.''

Crow: She did catch syphilis, though.

Tom: Trouble, on the other hand....

Mike: Too small. Throw him back!

>``Can't say I didn't warn her. You look happy enough
>about how things turned out.''

Tom: (As Cologne) "Now, I COULD give you the antidote, but
that would undo all the plot contrivances...."

Crow: Warn "her"? Just who is she talking to?

Mike: The phantom antecedent.

>``I'm besmitten, so I can't be objective about these
>things, but I don't see how I could have been so upset
>about how much attention she paid to Ranma if I didn't
>fancy her.'' Akane smiles at her new love.

Tom: Is Akane Emma Peel now?

Crow: Fancy her? What is this, a britcom?

Mike: Somehow I can't see Cologne with a cockney accent....

>``This is a bit personal, but do either of you plan on
>having children?''

Crow: Heck no, we're not pedophiles!

Mike: Crow....

>``Hai.'' They both reply.

Crow: Stereo!

Mike: "Hi! How are you?"

Tom: See, THE AUTHOR KNOWS JAPANESE!!!

Mike: Does she know English?

Tom: That's questionable...

>``OK, do either of you plan on having any soon?''

Crow: "Sure!We'll pop out kids now, while our hips are
 easily breakable!"

Tom: (As Cologne) "Will you be having them by Wednesday?"

Mike: "Sure, we're gonna go have some in the back room soon
 as we finish the conversation."

>``Not me. I'm not done growing yet, so it'd stunt my
>growth.''

Mike: Yeah, pregnancy makes you smaller.

Crow: Now a good cup of joe, THAT'S worth stunting your
 growth over!

Tom: Amen!

>``I've hit my full potential, at least according to the
>doctors. If she wants to I'm willing.''

Crow: As you can see, I'm ready to milk RIGHT NOW!

Mike: And if she isn't, I'm sure the doctors will be!

>``In that case you may want to ask Ranma for a donation.
>He has good genes, even if his father is scum.'' Akane
>promptly turned pink.

Tom: Okay, who tickled Akane?

Mike: And the fic starts pandering to Genma-haters....

Tom: Donation?

Crow: I'd be glad to 'donate' something for ya!

Mike: Crow...

>``Wouldn't you mind?'' She asks Shanpoo.

Crow: (As Shampoo) "Only if Shampoo can watch."

Mike: (As Shampoo) "Shampoo been given drug! No mind
 anything! No mind at all now!"

>``Why would I mind. You know the village laws too. Any
>children either of us bear are both of ours.'' Akane
>makes a few incoherent noises, then resorts to hand
>gestures. Obaba understands them first.

Crow: (As Cologne) "Hey, up yours too!"

Tom: Huh? Has she turned into a mime now?

Crow: One wonders if RANMA wouldn't mind.

Mike: Of course not. Ranma, too, has been given the OOC
 drug.

>``You've got it wrong. Nothing like that is necessary.
>You take in a clean bottle or film can and say `Ranma,
>Shanpoo and I have decided to have a child and we'd like
>you to make a donation to the cause' or some such.''

Tom: Fill this up. Here's a magazine.

Mike: (As Akane) "Ranma, we've run away and jilted you for
 each other. Would you give us some sperm, please?"

Crow: (As Ranma) "I'll give a donation if I can deliver the
 goods to the main office. Heh heh heh...."

>``It's still embarrassing. I'll do it, though. A child
>with her eyes. . .''

Tom: Well, okay but he'd better give them back when he's
done with them!

Crow: The eyes have it!

Mike: An eye for a eye!

>``You fed my little girls a love potion!''Soun's tears
>make everyone draw back from the flood.

Mike: Which leads us to ask... are love potions saline
 soluble?

Tom: Man the life boat! Women and cursed people first!

Crow: Is it just me or does this fic jump around a lot?

Tom: Jeez, I dunno. It must be you.

Crow: That's what I thought.

>``No, father, Ran-chan didn't feed either of us the love
>potion. We both ate it of our own free will. Ranma did
>tell Akane to taste the ramen it was in, but that was
>because he was trying to make her realize what she was
>doing wrong as a cook. How was he to know that Shanpoo
>had drugged the ramen? It isn't something she's ever done
>before.''

Crow: Yes, Ranma is sweet and wonderful. I love Ranma.
 Even after he raped me and my sisters... wait, wrong
 mind-control fic.

Mike: That's enough plugs!

>``That's right. And I ate the ramen because I wanted to
>help Ranma cope with losing Akane. Heck, Akane said that
>we should do it.''

Tom: Yeah, yeah, blame it on the uncute one.

Crow: (As Soun) "And you listened?"

Mike: And if Akane told you to jump off a bridge, would
 you?

>``This isn't the way things would have gone if Shanpoo
>hadn't brought by that bowl of ramen, but it isn't as bad
>as you are making out. The potion doesn't make one fall
>in love with someone. It just puts one in a position
>where one will come out of its influence understanding or
>loving the other people who went under with one.''

Mike: The difference being?

Tom: Right. This is not a drug for evil, but for good!

Crow: It's not a love potion, it's just a love potion.
 Everybody clear on that?

Mike: I wish this fic came in subtitles....

>Ranma looks at the scab on her hand, ``In our cases it
>ended up being love. I know I can trust these two,'' she
>gestures to Kasumi and Ukyou, ``with my life and my soul,
>and they know the same about me. They are the only people
>who I can say that about. If that isn't true love, I will
>never know what it is.''

Mike: Pardon me while I glance at my deformity as I espouse
 feelings of passion!

>``You set a high standard there, son. It makes your
>mother proud of you. Are you going to marry either of
>them?''

Mike: (As Ranma) "I only have one mother! And no, I won't
 marry her! That would be wrong!"

Crow: (As Ranma) "No, i thought I'd just knock them both up
 and move to Utah."

>``I remember hearing about a Shintou priest who will do
>ceremonies for `odd' families. We talked about going
>there with Shanpoo and Akane.'' Ranma stops speaking and
>goes back to eating.

Tom: "Now that I fully understand them, no way would I
marry these morons!"

Mike: And we all know how odd they really are...

>``That would be nice. I don't think the government will
>recognize such a marriage, unfortunately.''

Tom: They will if we give them a big enough bribe!

Crow: Nah, everyone knows the Japanese are cool about sex.
 Just watch Urotsukidoji!

>``True. However, it won't be much of a problem to get our
>names changed to match, and the gay rights laws are
>finally starting to take effect.'' Kasumi says before
>emulating her new iinazuke, eating with a speed and
>efficiency that the others had never seen in her.

Tom: <gobble gobble much slurp belch grab snarf gobble
gobble>

Mike: (As Kasumi) "Oh *brraaaaaaap!* my!"

Crow: (As Nabiki) "I wondered whether you'd gained fifteen
 pounds or had gotten pregnant, Kasumi."

>``Ano, could we speak to Ranma for a moment?'' Akane asks
>from the doorway. A quick look is exchanged and Ukyou,
>Kasumi and Ranma stand up and follow the two young women
>into the garden.

Mike: (As Akane) "Ranma, have you ever really thought about
 your insurance needs?"

Crow: (As Ranma) "What? Is it time for the mass orgy
 already?"

Tom: (As Akane) "If we kill you, Ranma, we all move up in
rank!"

Mike: (As Akane) "We wanna get Nabiki involved in the
 clan."

>``Hazukashii nan desu kedo,'' Akane breaks off, flushing.

Crow: Try jiggling the handle!

Mike: Gesundheit

Tom: This fic has turned into a scat lemon!

>``We've decided to have a child, and were wondering if we
>could get a donation,'' Shanpoo holds out the carefully
>washed film canister that they had brought, ``If it is OK
>with you.'' She looks at Kasumi and Ukyou.

Tom: (As Ranma) "What? You want me to take pictures too?"

Crow: (As Ranma) "Okay, will that be a 'direct' deposit or
 do you want it in 'the bank'?"

Mike: Crow...

>Ranma follows the glance, and raises one eyebrow,
>shrugging her shoulders slightly to say `It's your
>choice.'
>  ``I don't mind,'' Ukyou shrugs.
>  ``Nor I,'' Kasumi continues.
>  ``Guess you can,'' Ranma finishes.

Mike: "Not I," said the chef.

Crow: (As Shampoo) "Okay, let's get that milking machine
 set up..."

> ``Onee-chan, I didn't know you were interested in
>Ranma.''
>  ``I wasn't. I took my bite of ramen at exactly the
>right moment, though, so now I get to keep them.'' She
>wraps an arm each about Ranma and Ukyou.

Tom: (As Kasumi) "I'm going to stuff them and put them in
my closet!"

Mike: (As Kasumi) "My drug-controlled love slaves. I think
 I'll keep 'em!"

Crow: (As Akane) "Just make sure they get plenty of
 exercise and change their cage once a day..."

>``Could you come in and tell the family your plans? Oh,
>and we were planning a Shintou wedding ceremony, and we
>were wondering if you would like to have one too.'' Ranma
>asks over her shoulder as Kasumi turns all three of them
>back towards the house,

Mike: And would you serve that ramen at the reception?

>``Oh, and pass me the container,'' She catches it one
>handed and stuffs it into a pocket. ``I should have it
>for you by noonish tomorrow, OK?'' *I think our cycles
>are in sync. 'Sumi-chan and Nabiki's are synced pretty
>close to mine at least* She hears a muffled noise of
>assent from behind her.

Tom: Ranma has a cycle?

Mike: Cycle four, for older, less active martial artists.

Crow: (As Ranma) "Heh heh. I'll get Gosunkugi to fill it
 up."

>``Oh, and would you two like some dinner? We made
>enough,'' Kasumi looks back over her shoulder at the edge
>of the house.
>  ``Um,'' Akane looks at Shanpoo, who nods, ``Sure, I
>guess.''

Tom: (As Akane) "Wonder what interesting drugs we'll put
into it THIS time."

Crow: Don't mind that taste of bitter almonds; it's part of
 the flavoring!

>Dinner passes with a few annoyed looks exchanged between
>Soun and Shanpoo, and then between Akane and Soun when she
>notices.
>  ``Ja mata ne,'' Akane takes her leave, Shanpoo
>echoing her a moment later.

Crow: (As Akane) "Father! Don't flirt with my girlfriend!"

Mike: Just 'cause she brainwashed his daughter? Some guys
 are just unreasonable.

>``Ja,'' Ranma waves, a bittersweet smile on her face.
>After they have gone she turns to her mother, ``Okaasan, I
>hadn't expected you to take this as well as you have.''

Mike: (As Nodoka) "After what I've done to you in 'Girl
 Days' I'd expect almost anything."

Crow: Hey, follow your own rules, wouldja?

Mike: Oh, it only happened once. Gimme a break...

>``Why shouldn't I? You're the happiest that I've seen
>you, ever. Your iinazuke are lovely, and you all actually
>know how to express affection without violence. It would
>be hard for things to get better.'' She smiles at her
>child, strokes her cheek with one finger, and Ranma leans
>into the caress ever so slightly.

Mike: (As Nodoka) "Of course, it DOES mean that you're
 unmanly, and I'll have to kill you. But I'll do it
 HAPPILY!"

Tom: I didn't know the Saotome's were into incest!

Crow: Incest is best...

Tom: Gotta keep it in the family...

Mike: Guys!

>Epilogue:

Mike: Epilady!

Tom: Episode!

Crow: Epidemic!

Mike: Epicac!

Tom: Episcopal!

Crow: Epiphany!

Tom: Epidermis!

Crow: Epigraph!

Mike: Epi-- GET ON WITH IT!

>``Oh, yeah, Kunou-sempai, you wouldn't have heard. Akane
>went off to China with Shanpoo, and last I heard they were
>expecting their first child.'' Ranma dodges the fountain
>of blood and watches amazed as Tatewaki passes out in the
>schoolyard *He's never done that before*. ``Coming,
>Utchan?''

Tom: Kunou must be allergic to dumb plots.

Crow: (As Ranma) "By the way, if you're feeling unhappy,
 here's some ramen."

Mike: Fountains of blood... must be a new sculpture.

Tom: So Kuno just committed seppuku?

>``Un.'' And the two walk into school, fairly pleased with
>their summer break.

Crow: (As Ranma) "We took drugs and had our personalities
 destroyed! What did the rest of you do with your
 summer?"

>--- Glossary:

Mike: Hey! it DOES come with subtitles!

Crow: Ah, man... will there be a test afterward?

Tom: This IS the test...

>Nan tte koto: fairly literally, `What a thing to say', but
>more like `What the F**k!' in this case.

Mike: Then shouldn't it be Nan tte k**o?

Crow: Why not just say, "What the f**k?"

Mike: My opinion exactly

>Hazukashi nan desu kedo: Hazukashi is `embarrassing', so
>the sentence means `it's embarassing but'

Crow: So there was something up Akane's butt.

Tom: Why not just say "This is embarrassing'?

Mike: Because, sadly, not all fanfic writers are versed in
 the English language.

>Wakatta: Understood.

Crow: Hey, wasn't it "I gotta take a dump"?

Mike: You should have thought of that before we left home,
 Crow.

>Spice: Demi-standard plural of `Spouse', through the
>parallel with `mouse' and `mice.'

Crow: Posh, Baby, Scary, Sporty and Ginger? I didn't see
 them in here...

Tom: Sure, don't you remember the cameo?

Mike: Right, they were right next to Elton John & The
 hallelujah choir!

Crow: So therefore, more than one house is referred to as "hice".

>Authorial Rambling...

Mike: And we all know the author rambles...

Crow: How does that differ from the REST of the fic?

Tom: This whole fic was one big author rambling

>Well, I actually thought up a story that isn't a UF sized
>epic... (even if it's grown quite a bit from the one-shot
>I'd originally thought it to be)

Tom: ye gods - there's MORE of this?

>This'll be my first post to r.a.a.c, so please, tell me
>what you think. I'll even take things like `Akane and
>Shanpoo? You are one sick puppy!', but `You suck!' isn't
>quite adequite, and is irrelevant to the subject of
>whether the _story_ sucks ^_^

Tom: But it *does* suck!

Mike: Quite adequitely, too.

Crow: Right then. Your STORY sucks!!!

>THE END.

Crow: THANK ALL THAT IS HOLY!

Tom: Do you really want to?

Crow: Well, no.. but... THANK.. uhh... SOMEONE!
 
 
 

 "Ye goddesses, it's finally over..." Mike began

 "Boy, I wonder if a prototype of Dr. F's invention existed
before today," Crow mused.

 "Anyway, guys, could you please put on the costumes
underneath the desk that I so thoughtfully provided?" Tom
Servo asked the rest of the crew.

 "Sure, Tom... what are they?"

 "They're for all the forgotten characters!There were only
two Tendo sisters for the whole fic, Ryouga didn't exist,
the Kunos were not represented... and the list goes on and
on!"

 Mike stooped beneath the desk and hauled out a bunch of
wigs and props, and took the bowl that had a cardboard
cutout of ramen inside and placed it in the middle of the
desk.

 Tom hovered over, and motioned Mike to put a black wig on
him and tape a wooden stick to his hands.  Crow followed by
placing a long curled brunette's wig on his net, and Mike
finished by putting on a long black straight wig, and a
pair of Coke-bottle glasses.  Picking up a pair of
chopsticks, he waited for the other two to start.  Before
Mike or Crow had a chance to speak, Tom admonished, "Just
like the fic, okay guys?"

 "Okay, can do, Tom," Mike responded.

 "I am the blue thunder of Furinkan High!" Tom bellowed
from his post.

 "Ooh!  How cute!  Alexandria!  Alexandria!" Crow yelled,
moving to Tom and trying to take away his bokken.

 "Is that my lovely Shampoo that I see?" Mike called from
the middle of the desk.  "Ah, here is some good ramen!
Maybe we should all take a bite!"

 Mike moved the chopsticks in the bowl, and put it up to
Tom's bubble head.  He repeated the process with Crow's
beak, and finally did it to himself.

 "Cute little girl!Sightless man!I must date with thee!I
must have both!" Tom thundered from Mike's left.

 "Lillian!  Lillian!" Crow called from underneath Mike,
taking away his glasses.

 "Is that you, my darling Kuno?  Ahh, it is my love Azusa!
Come to me!" Mike said.

 Tom looked towards the flashing red light on the desk, and
back to Cambot.

 "What do you think, sirs?"
 
 

 "Oh, you guys... always have to be melodramatic about the
horrible little posts you get, do you?" Dr. Forrester
sneered into the camera.  Frank stood up from where he was
tinkering with the 'Juicer'.  "Dr. F, I completed it...
now, every horrid little lemon comes complete with ready-
made responses!"

 "Oh, good... even more spam to clutter up lists, and I can
make sure that no one forgets these lemons for a long time
to come!"

 "That's right! You get ten to twenty responses per fic,
all of them as cleverly creative as the ones that fics like
this always get on the FFML.  Here's one that says,
'Congratulations, you made me lose my lunch.' And here's
'You're a real sicko, don't ever change.' And...."

 "Terrific, Frank. I'm sure that this took many, many hours
of hard work to program."

 "Well, no, not really, because I just...."

 "Frank?"

 "Hm?"

 "Push the button."

 "Can do, chief."
 

<<POOF!>>
 

Brought to you by the denizens of FFIRC:

 MSTing body: Andrew, Bravoexo, DC, Dot-chan, Fido,
                        Gary, Hotaru, Lerche, Megane67,
                        Nightman, Ronny, TydRipper
 
      MSTing editing: TydRipper
 
      Host segments: Zoogz
 
      Invention ideas and final editing: Gary

      (2000)HTMLizing: Zoogz
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