A MSTing of Lucas Scarpati's 'Pyros'
'Pyros' was written by Lucas Scarpati
<latin_wolf@HOTMAIL.COM>. He's welcome to it. Ranma
belongs to Rumiko Takahashi. MST3K belongs to Best Brains.
Opening/closing segments: Zoogz
Andrew, DaveEddy, DB, DC,
Desaix, Fido, Gary, Harunumo,
Jason_Miao, Jiro, KaraOhki,
Keener, Lara, Matt, Megane67,
mkallen, Nightman, RMH, Ronny,
Ryoucilo, Yukinojo, Zoogz
Editing: Harunumo, Gary
Visit us on IRC channel #fanfic, server irc.newberry.edu
or via Java at http://irc.newberry.edu:8080
Also visit our FFIRC MST archives at
Cambot panned over the Satellite of Love's bridge area.
No one was in sight yet, but there was a huge stop sign
planted on the counter. Just then, Joel passed through
from one side to the other.
Joel turned suddenly and saw Crow in a blue cop's
uniform. "What do you think you're doing? I need to see
your license and registration, please."
"Crow, you see me every day. Remember, me creator, you
"Ahh, Joel Robinson, eh? You've been warned before,
mister. I think this time it has to go to court. Servo!"
Tom Servo came in with a pair of handcuffs on top of his
dome. Crow looked at the handcuffs, and looked back at
Servo's hands. Then he looked to Joel.
"Would you mind putting these on, sir? I sorta can't,
and.... you are under arrest, and all..."
The red light on the counter started flashing. Joel
replied, "Sorry, Crow. Willy and Nilly are calling."
Frank was playing with the keyboard in Deep 13. Dr.
Forrester was standing over him. As Frank tapped the
keyboard Dr. F said, "Make sure you don't hit the button,
Frank, or we won't have a show."
"Don't worry, Dr. Forrester, I can actually understand
this computer now. I don't need the button"
Dr. Forrester turned towards the camera. "Oh, hello
Starsky, Hutch, and Huggy Bear. I trust we are ready for
the invention exchange?"
Joel looked back at his bots, who were arguing over who
would arrest Joel the next time. "I will be, once I get
these two to calm down."
"Fair enough, Joel, if you can't control your metallic
minions, then I shall start the exchange. Frank and I have
come up with a piece of software that will let us not only
take over the world, but make us filthy rich also!"
All three on the bridge were looking amazed. "Are you
saying that you have the next Windows or something, Dr.
F?" Tom asked.
"Even better. I have the first Windows, and the second,
and... Frank, will you demonstrate?"
"Sure. The program that Clayton and I came up with is
called 'Anti Up.' We plan on selling this program cheap
all over the world, and making a profit."
"Frank, you're supposed to tell them what it's for.
Instead of upgrading, this program downgrades your computer
in a matter of days. At first, you might think you're on
top of the world. You just bought the still-$90 version of
Windows '98, maybe even were able to get it working without
first formatting your computer ten times. Well, in a
matter of days, after 'Anti Up', your computer will be
running the oldest version of Windows still available."
Frank stopped his typing for a couple seconds and stood
up. "Yes, Dr. F. In a matter of two weeks, your computer
will run, act, and be like an Apple II+ in all regards.
You'll have no hard drive, about three bytes of RAM, and if
you want to print, it'll take about three days for your
dot-matrix to pick it up."
"That's not all that evil, Dr. F. I actually understood
those old Apples," Joel replied to the screen.
"You know Joel, you're absolutely right. Frank does too,
and that's why he's actually using the computer. However,
here's where the evil is. I will take all known software,
and just add a line of code. Voila! I have a totally new
program that I can sell to the mass market of technogeeks
who's only ambition in life is more, faster, and better.
They'll be hungry for any upgrade that I'll give 'em. I
can sell old DOS 2.0 packets I still have around here! AOL
CD's that come in the mail will go for $45 at the cheapest!
And when the technogeeks buy, you know that the rest of the
world will have to follow. Before long, I'll be filthy
rich like Gates, and everyone will still be running
Microsoft products that I can tamper with endlessly!"
Joel and the bots shook their heads. "That truly is
evil, Dr. F. Making people buy Microsoft products twice
when it wasn't that good the first time?" Tom said.
Joel shook off his funk and walked over to the counter,
where a strangely shaped coffee-pot with a small tower
attached to it was sitting. "Well, our invention for this
week will help out all those cops that missed the alarm
clock, not to mention anyone else. We call this the
'DoCo', for donuts and coffee."
Crow moved over to the machine, and operated the switch
with his beak. The machine whirred to life "Yeah, this
thing'll make your coffee for you in the morning, and then
also bake two donuts on the side."
"The donuts also taste like coffee, for all those people
who dunk them in but need every last drop of unadulterated
caffeine to wake up in the morning. What do you think,
sirs?" Joel said as he hit the red light on the counter.
"Hmm, as much as I hate to admit it, Joel, that thing
sucks. Wait, I don't hate to admit that. Anyway, while
we're on the subject of coffee, we found you a particularly
bitter post that'll feel like a kick to the gut! It's
called 'Pyros', by Lucas 'Lone Wolf' Scarpati. Better not
drink it black! Send them the post, Frank!"
"Would you like that with cream or sugar?"
"Just send it, Frank!"
Joel was lifting the top of the DoCo when he looked at
Tom. "You set it too hot again, Tom!" Joel fished out a
black loop from the tower.
"Can I help it if I like my donuts burnt and with Ranch
dressing on top?"
Before Joel could respond, the satellite started shaking
and the lights went crazy.
"Oh, we've got fanfic sign!"
>Foreward: "Swing and a miss! Strike one!"
Crow: I think he means this fic is foul....
Tom: But he posted it anyway. That takes balls.
Joel: Either that or they guy hasn't gotten to first base,
if you know what I mean.
>So here we are again. Me telling you the background of the
>stories I'm using, and you waiting for me to shut up and
>get on with it. I'll make this quick and painless.
Crow: How about shut up and *don't* get on with it?
>For anyone who hates 'self insertion' fics, be forewarned,
>this is one. If on the other hand, you enjoy seeing the
>new guy wander around aimlessly and get pounded, you may
>like this one.
Tom: A Masochistic SI?
Joel: I'm more of a sadist, myself-- I go around not
>This story is (like all of mine) a fragment of a MUCH
>bigger storyline I'm working on. Don't be surprised if
>you've never heard of Magnor, Dark Lightning or Sigil
>before, because they are all mine (and copyrighted).
Tom: I've never heard of any of them! What a surprise!
Crow: Something tells me this fic will rock (and by rock I
>Also, because of how my storyline is set up, I show up
Joel: In a self-insert, the author shows up? I don't believe it!
>Call it the last shreds of an ego's desperate attempt at
Tom: Fine, but do you have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Joel: Y'know, I don't think this is the way to go about
>On to the credits! The original idea of this story was
>stolen outright from Gary Keeple, who (opon finding out my
>plans) agreed to give me a shot (and not prosecute).
Joel: Gary Keeple, author of "Lust," Ploos of Honor," and
"Hearts and Mimes!"
Crow: Keeple and Bits?
Tom: Oh, you never would believe where those Keeple cookies
>His story was "Megmasama, Maska?" I belive, and easily a
Crow: Not great enough for this guy to get the title right,
Tom: No, this is Keeple's Megmasama Maska, you may be
confusing it with Kleppe's Megamisama Masaka.
>Most of the setting is soley Ranma 1/2 and as such, the
>property of Rumiko Takashi.
Crow: The same Takashi that wrote Mrmad Frest and Urusay
Tom: The rest of the setting is solely crap and as such,
the property of MSTers everywhere....
>May she put out a Ranma 1/2 Neo (BWAHAHAHAHAH)!
Joel: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Um... a what?
Tom: Ranma 1/2 Neo Nazis?
Crow: We are the Knights Who Say... Neo!
>Also some of the credit goes to Dragons of the Coast,
>formerly TSR, Blizzard Software for helping to create one
>of my many villains,
Tom: Dragons of the Coast, Lizards of the Nile, ready with
a handshake, and a big wide smile....
>Dr Suess's "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" for moral support,
>and Lance Cunningham, for helping me refine my characters
Crow: Dr. Suess? Yes, I like Gern Eggs and Ahm.
Joel: Now, P-chan, he's a Cunning Ham....
>By the way, single quotes (') denote someone's thoughts.
Tom: And this sign (ZZZZ) denotes when I'm asleep.
Crow: What do married quotes denote?
> Enough with the Foreward!
Let's get on with it!
> Part 1: Setup
> By Lucas "Lone Wolf" Scarpati
Joel: Setup? That's the program you run to install this fic
on your computer.
Crow: Does that mean we missed the multimedia bits?
> In the depths of the darkest pits of Hell, there
>stands a castle, surrounded on all sides by a city whose
>buildings looks like little more than refuse.
Joel: Oh...so he's setting it up in New York?
Tom: <deep voice> Xanadu, stately home of Charles Foster
Kane. Cost, no one can say....
Crow: <Whisper> Rosebud....
> The castle itself looks like little more than jagged
>knives of Twilightstone ripping up into the black-red sky,
>a common appearance in hell.
Joel: Yeah, it's on the periodic table right next to Dark
Crow: And Adamantium.
> But it is far more. This stone ciditel houses one of the
>most destructive forces throughout the entire Multiverse,
>perhaps even beyond.
Tom: A Phar-Mor? In hell?
Crow: Those big drugstore chains are *everywhere!*
> That force is known and feared throughout the whole of
>the entire Hell superspace.
Joel: Even worse than the Hell Superfund Project.
> That force is also bored out of its wits.
Tom: The force hasn't worked for 16 years, can you blame
> "There is nothing to do here!"
Crow: "Then go away!"
Tom: "It's boring as hell! I mean..."
Joel: "All the other forces get invited to the great
parties, but not me, oh no...."
> Came the roar from the hallway as a massive muscular,
>9"10' demon storms through a doorway.
Joel: Meatloaf had arrived.
Crow: Geez, he's taller than El Gigante! And I'll bet he
sells better, too!
> His head is adorned with twin horns blacker than the
Tom (imitating Ataru): Geeze, Lum, what have they been
feeding you down here?
Crow: HUMAN ENTRAILS. MIND IF I HAVE YOURS. DA'CHA!
Tom (still imitating Ataru): This is what I get for winning
a damned Tag game?!?!
Crow: IMAGINE IF YOU HAD LOST. BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
>His skin is redder than a bloodwood immediately after watering.
Joel: Now, most demons probably wouldn't think in terms of
gardening metaphors, but this one....
Crow: You mean this demon is Martha Stewart???
> His taloned hands could easily snap titanium into pieces.
Tom: Yet he never so much as chipped a nail...
> He's not happy. A nervous skeletal aid follows close by.
Joel: A skeletal aid? What's that, a prosthetic?
Crow: "Excuse me? I seem to be lost.. Can you tell me where
the other supermodels are?"
>"I-I-I'm s-s-s-s-sorry sir, b-b-but with the Taneri in
>hiding, the blood war is at an end!
Joel: The type Bs are victorious!
Tom: Wish I was hiding with them....
>Th-th-that was what you h-h-h-had reserved the day for."
>The aid peeps.
Crow (imitating Belldandy): It is a tradition that at the
end of every statement you are quoting, you must use a
comma before stating who said the quote.
Tom: They're in hell! They're not gonna listen to a
Joel: Yes, you too will be damned to hell for all eternity
if you don't follow the rules of English grammar.
> The demon stops and fixes his gaze on the skeleton.
Crow: "Kate Moss, is that you?!"
Tom: "STOP WITH THE OBVIOUS EXPOSITION."
> The demon's eyes glowed with a very dangerous red as he
>glares down at the deathly frightened collection of bones.
Joel: Stick to one verb tense, *please....*
Tom(Demon): Have you been eating right?
Crow(Skeleton): Yes, I've been eating my Chunky Soup!
Tom(Demon): Use a spoon! You'll want to get every drop!
>"I KNOW," the demon takes a breath and composes itself,
>"But that does nothing to take care of the current
All (singing): "IIIIIIII'm reviewing the situations..."
>Perhaps I should try to take up my 'sculpting' again, eh
Tom: "No, boss! Not another giant phallus!"
Crow: Kel-mot! Kel-mot! Kel-mot!
Joel: Why are you saying that?
Crow: I dunno, something to do?
>Kel-Mot gulps, or tries too. The last time his Lord worked
>on his 'art', his last aid was found in pieces,
>grotesquely misformed, even for an Abomination.
Tom: So, she became Monica Lewinsky and the rest, as they
say, is history.
Joel: It's the abominable verb tenses!
>And even now, five years later, they still haven't found
>all of poor Glup's body. "Uh...uh...uh..." he replies with
>nerve shaking confidence.
Joel: He got sent to Seven-Eleven. Home of the Big Glup!
Crow: Well...at least he escaped the rest of this fic!
Tom: In *this* fic it's probably the "Sven-Evlen," Joel.
>The demon smiles, revealing row after row of teeth
>designed to rip flesh from bone as though it were tissue
Joel: He probably prefered Charmins.
Tom: The demon was a Colgate graduate!
>'It's good to know you can keep the servants in line with
>just a few threats. Pity about Glup, but he served his
>purpose.' It suddenly looks away with a look of
>concentration etched on his disturbing face. "What?"
Crow: "I SAID IT SERVED ITS PURPOSE!"
> Kel-Mot starts to panic. "Sir, um... that is, see...
Crow: "Sir... um... have you... ever considered using a
Tom: "Master...may I...um...relieve myself?"
>The lord of the Castle ignores him, which just scares Kel-
>Mot all the more. Kel-mot falls to the floor, groveling,
>and pleading for forgiveness. "Please Sir! Don't take up
>your sculpting again! I'll be good! I'll start a war right
Crow: "Please, sir! Not the clown suit!"
Joel: "Please, sir! No more Bill and Monica jokes!"
>The demon smiles. A disturbance across the whole of
Tom: Yes, even demons can be graduates at the Nuku Nuku
School of Smiling....
Joel: It's Superspace! Faster than a speeding void! More
powerful than a local galaxy cluster!
Crow: Able to destroy verb phrases in a single blunder!
>'Something's up. Something BIG. Perhaps this day isn't a
>total waste...' He kicks Kel-Mot in the face.
Crow: Oh, how nice, a kick to the face. Thank you very
Joel: "Sir, I'm not like that!"
Tom: "Sir, of course it's big!"
>"Prepare the Gateway for the following co-ordinates.
>32,89,10,80-27,92bs. And get Demon Knight here quickly."
Crow: That's a lot of BS!
Joel: "Sir, we don't have the Gateway anymore. We bought a
>The skeleton scrambles to achieve it's tasks.
Crow: Attention Kel-Mot shoppers! For the next ten minutes,
there will be a blue light special on skeleton aids!!
>The teleports to his throne room. Sitting down in his
>living chair (and ignoring the usual howls of agony that
>result) he frowns in concentration.
Tom: The? The what?
Crow: Yes, it's the all powerful evil force of....THE!
Joel: (imitating Demon): I'll take boxes 22 and 25!
Crow: I have a match. This author, and Dr. Thinker!
>'What would be so reckless in it's Planeshifting? An
>incarnate? Not likely. A technology based gate? No, D.O.M.
>used those and there was no ripple at all. A god perhaps?'
Crow: Are we supposed to know what the heck he's talking
Joel: Nah, just feign interest.
Tom: What would be so reckless in its Planeshifting?
Somebody driving a sportscar, maybe?
Joel: Either way, Gary Kleple is responsible!
Tom: Or was that Kleepe? I forget.
Crow: Give em the Keeple's elbow!
>He smiles. 'Yes... a new rather immature god, but a god
>non the less.' His grin gets wider.
Tom: Folks, I believe our SI author has placed himself as
an "immature god."
Crow: I is suitably impressed.
Joel: Immature, yes, but I'm not sure about the "God"
>'Perhaps it's time to remind the Gods of one of my
Crow: Not like my other nickname...Wee Willie..
Joel: Slayers? Is Gourry going to be in this?
Crow: Gods-layer? So this *is* a tentacle lemon!
>In an entirely different part of Superspace, a completely
>different scene is going on.
Crow: <John Cleese> And now for something completely
> A boy no more than 16 sits before a desk. The desk is
>made of two main parts; three shelves and the actual desk
Joel: What wonderful description. Makes you feel as if
you're really there.
>On the desk is a computer with no real discernible marks,
>a monitor from Dell, and malformed keyboard.
Crow: Dell? I buy their crossword puzzle books!
Joel: Uh, wrong company, Crow.
Tom: o/~ The monitor in the Dell... the monitor in the
>The screen depicts a scene of two races fighting. Neither
>can be made out clearly, but one race is kicking serious
Joel: That must be one big battle, if the whole race is
Tom: They could be races *really* near extinction?
>"No, no, NO, NO!! $^@$%#$^@#$^#%^* ALKARI!
>RAAAAGH!! I HATE THAT DAMN RACE!!!" screams
>the teenage boy
Tom: Aha! Racial prejudice!
Crow: Alkari? Isn't she the pig-loving girl?
Joel: Bigotry against Alkari!! Unbelievable!!!!
>before he starts pounding his head into a keyboard.
Joel: He must do this all the time. That's why his keyboard
>This gets old real quick so looks at the screen again. On
>it, a Bird-like humanoid is beating the shit out of
>another humanoid with a big head and four arms.
Joel: I take it that Big Bird is really mad at
Crow & Tom: o/~ Who's that guy with the big head.... o/~
>The word Loser is pasted across the background. "Stupid
>Alkari..." The boy reaches over to the computer and turns
Crow: "Stupid computer game! Why won't it just let me win?"
>He turns around. In addition to the standard amount of
>zits, the boy is wearing some fairly thick glasses, a
>striped shirt and a pair of jean shorts. The boy himself
>is hardly intimidating.
Tom: The standard amount of zits? Versus the the extra-
chunky amount, or the inadaquate amount?
Joel: Ladies and gentlemen...I think we have found the SI
>Short dull hair blocks most of his forehead, his eyes have
>a continual tired look to them, and he's about as muscular
>as a tubesock filled with oatmeal.
Crow: His phallus, on the other hand...
>A very light amount of hair is covering his chin and upper
>lip, which just seems to accent the overall defeated
Joel: "I lost at a video game... oh, the shame!"
>The boy looks around his room, taking in his decorations.
>Posters adorn every wall. Some paintings mostly from a
>fantasy-like decorum hang with almost shame.
Crow: SHAME! COME BACK, SHAME!
>He shakes his head and walks over to a dresser. Brushing
>off the top layer of papers and stuff, he digs until he
>finds an alarm clock.
Joel: "No! It's a..."*BOOM*
Crow: "Ah, it was a boomb, mah instinct as an officer of ze
lahw told me that immediately."
Tom (grumbles): Figures that the God would be a Frenchman.
>He fiddles with it, presses a few buttons and sets it
>down. The boy then takes of his shirt (which helps to
>prove the tubesock filled with oatmeal analogy) and jumps
Crow: By the way, what did he fiddle: his head or the alarm
Joel: Neither. he fiddled with... IT.
>Pulling his sheet over him he rolls over, mumbles
>something, and falls asleep.
Joel: "Stupid old video game! If I could win, I'd get the
Tom: "I always wanted to be... a LUMBERJACK! Leaping from
tree to tree!"
>Somewhere in-between worlds, there is a place composed of
>pure thought. This is where dreams are real and reality is
Crow: And there's a place with no thought. Guess which
place the author was, when he decided to write this fic?
Tom: You have now entered... the self-insert zone.
>It is the land of creation and stories conceived by
>various beings throughout the cosmos.
Joel: THE LAND OF DAIRY QUEEN. WHERE WE TREAT
Tom: So he's going to the FFML?
Crow: Yeah, and they're gonna flame him for this fic.
>The boy is here. "What the...? I know this place..." comes
>his the sound of his voice, faint and unsure.
Joel: "I know this place. It's... Cleveland!"
Tom: So, he's been to Dairy Queen before, eh?
>"PERHAPS. THIS IS AFTER ALL THE LAND WHERE
>DREAMS MEET REALITY." comes a feminine, forceful,
>and loud voice.
Crow: Hi, I'm Dream. And your name?
Tom: Hi! I'm Reality...Wanna screw?
> The two beings on this plane are not alone. Something
>lies hidden in the mists. Something powerful enough to
>block out a goddess' senses. Something waiting.
Joel: Now, HOW does Mr. Self-insert KNOW this? I think our
author desperately needs a course in narrative point-of-
>The boy turns around, confusion etched on his face. "Who
>are you? Where am I?"
Tom: "What's my motivation in this scene?"
>MY NAME IS OF NO CONSEQUENCE TO YOU.
Joel: "Pleased to meet you, Of!"
Crow: "I can call you "Of" for short, right?"
>AS TO WHERE YOU ARE... YOU COULD NOT HOPE TO UNDERSTAND."
Crow: "BEING AS YOU ARE THICK AS A BRICK AND ALL...."
>the last bit was 'said' with almost a smile.
> A lightbulb appears over the boy's head. "Wait... I
Joel: I think he's telling us that this fic is for the
>"You're that Goddess from Megmasama Maska, right?" he says
>pointing at nothing in particular.
Tom: You mean that fanfic from Keeple?
Joel: That Keeple guy and his little elves....
>"UM... YEAH. HOW'D YOU KNOW?"
>"I read the story."
>"HE WROTE A STORY ON IT? DID HE INCLUDE ME?"
Crow: NO. You're just a coincidence!
>"... WELL, SINCE YOU KNOW THE STORY, YOU MUST KNOW WHAT I
>WANT. PERHAPS I SHOULD TAKE ON A FORM YOU WOULD KNOW."
Crow: "A FORM 1040-A."
Tom: The goddess shifts into a form he knows very
>Nah, I know how you god-types dislike mortal form.
>Besides," he says with a smile, "to gaze upon your
>loveliness would most likely kill me."
Crow: And that would be a bad thing?
Joel: We can only hope.....
>His voice shifted into a Shakespearian accent for the last
>line. A BAD Shakespearian accent.
Tom: "Pig-Tailed Goddess! I would DATE with you!"
Joel: "Alas, I knew poor Yukio...we went bowling together
>There's a pause, and then a much angrier voice speaks,
>"YOU MEAN THAT YOU THINK I'M UGLY?" the last word spoken
Crow: Yep, you're so ugly when you were born, the doctor
slapped your momma.
Tom: Well, I'd have said, 'beauty-impaired,' but....
Joel: Hey, you guys, I thought she was just a disembodied
voice at this point. How can she be ugly?
>The boy pales, realizing just how badly he messed up. "NO!
>I mean that after seeing you... I'd probably never be
>happy with normal women again."
Crow: What's this "again" stuff?
Tom: Yeah, I mean, "again" implies that he's been happy
with women before, right?
>Another pause, then a laugh, "From what I know of you...
>you never were." comes a voice from behind him.
Crow: Hey! Sisters don't count!
> He turns to face... "Lina Inverse?"
>"Of course. Since you couldn't stand my 'Godlike beauty',
>I decided that this form would be appropriate. Now then
>Lucas, lets get down to business."
Joel: Hopefully, Lucas will make a joke about her breast
All: DRAGON SLAVE! DRAGON SLAVE!
>Lucas looks at her strangely, then blinks, "Huh? Oh yeah!
>Lets see, you want me to enter another universe, Ranma
>1/2?" Lina nods, "And try to 'fix' it, right?"
Joel: Yeah, before it 'fixes' you.
Tom: But what if Ranma doesn't want to be fixed?
>"Okay... but on the following terms." Lina raises an
Crow: "One, I wanna be a girl!"
Tom: "Two, I get to shag Ranma"
Crow: "Three, I wanna be a HERMAPHRODITE girl!"
Tom: "Four, I get to shag P-chan!"
>"One, no mermaids flesh. Two, aside from teaching me
>japanese, no new tricks. And I go in as is."
Joel: "Because I'm such a great guy that I'll impress
everyone without any changes."
Crow: Ahh... he's not only taking Gary Keeple as his
inspiration, but Mike Ploader.
Tom: Ploader...the pfunny author with the pfunny pname.
>"I'm curious if I could actually do it. Survive in the
>"You are very demanding for a mortal.
Tom: "And very, very, very stupppiiiddd."
>You know, I could just force you into another world, or
>see how long you'd last in one of the Robotech wars." the
>last bit said with a smile.
Crow: Make him visit the Overfiend!
Tom: PLEASE DO THAT!!!!!
Crow: Make him visit the Overfiend!
> "You do, and your bosses are sure to notice. Somehow I
>doubt that they'd enjoy having to chat with you again. I
>bet you'd dislike it even more." replies Lucas
Joel: If Amelia is their boss, I'm leaving.
Crow: Maybe it's Xellos?
Joel: No, it's...Takashi!
Crow: Wait a minute!......Take-a-Shi...
>"You are obviously in charge of dreams, or else you'd be
>caught and probably striped of your power for trespassing.
>You also are changing dreams to entertain yourself.
Joel: Where the #$%^ is he GETTING this?
Tom: It's that dastardly Kleepe's influence!
Crow: Don't you mean that Dastarly Keeple's influence?
>Using your job for pleasure is fine, but ignoring it is
>bad. Did I miss anything?" says Lucas with a Nabiki-esque
>"..." replies the goddess smartly.
Tom: That clever Lucas!
Joel: Yes, you missed the whole point of the fic this was
supposedly based on!
>"Do we have a deal?" says Lucas, pressing the advantage.
>After glaring at Lucas, Lina nods.
Tom: Ah, yes... it was I get your soul, you get the blow-up
Chibi-usa doll, wasn't it?
Joel: "Here's the deal. You will go into my universe, and
serve as comic relief."
Tom: While everyone sorts everything out by themselves.
> The figure in the mists draws closer.
Crow: Do you suppose these figures are gorillas?
>'I rather like this brat. He could prove rather...
Tom: Would that be before or after you screw with him?
Joel: I love brats! Especially with some sauerkraut and a
glass of beer!
>"Great! Give me one second." Lucas holds out his hand,
>concentrates and a beat up old backpack appears in it.
Tom: "You fool! You've wasted your one wish to get an old
Crow: "But the backpack is full of tasty doggy treats!"
>"I love this place!" He slings the pack over one shoulder
>and faces Lina. "Ready."
Tom: "I LOVE this place! It makes me want to... just...
Crow: Stop that! STOP THAT! You're not gonna do a song
while I'm here!
Joel: -o/~ I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay.... o/~
>Lina grumbles something about "that damn union" an
>gestures at Lucas. A portal opens behind him, and proceeds
>to suck him in.
Crow: And the fic acquires an 'adult' rating!
Joel: I don't think it's the portal that sucks here,
>Just before Lucas falls in, the figure lying in wait
>attacks. The being moves to fast for either to see, but
>the goddess senses it. The unknown blur slams right into
All: IT'S GARY KEEPLE!!!!
Joel: He's out for blood!
Tom: He's not unknown!
Crow: He's sick of people confusing him with Gary Kleppe!
>He screams in pain as he falls in the portal. The glowing
>bluish gray hole seals up and the goddess is left alone
>with her thoughts.
Tom: "I thought he was never going to leave!"
>'What the hell was that?'
Joel: Think about it, Lina. It was a narrative paragraph!
Crow: Hopefully a SI character going off to a painful
>'Maybe this wasn't such a good idea... Janus was very
>strict the last time I tried this... and that strange
>sense around the boy... it was like he was ... incomplete,
>missing part of his soul.'
Tom: 'And a large section of his brain...'
Joel: When Janus was passing out brains, Lucas thought he
said trains and he said, "Aw, man, Amtrak sucks!"
>'What was that thing? The only time I'd ever seen anything
>like it was during the history lessons, about the second
>war between Heaven and Hell.
Tom: Five years after the First Great War.....
Crow: Before the Second Pretty Good War....
Joel: And a few years after the Moderately OK War
Crow: And a decade before the so-so, we-really-didn't-need-
to-fight, but-what-the-heck war.
>That would make it... no, no it couldn't be. A demon I
>would've sensed a mile away. Then... what was it?'
Tom: Rumiko Takashi herself!
>For the first time since her last trial, the goddess was
>really scared. Whatever that... thing was, it could block
>out a Level 20 Goddess's senses.
Tom: Her trial? Was she pulled over for speeding?
Joel: Maybe she just needs an upgrade?
>That meant it was old, and incredibly powerful. If it was
>evil... that universe would be mulch.
Crow: Hey, he's just trying to plant a notion in the
Tom: So it'll take root....
Joel: And he knows a lot about gardening....THE DEMON _IS_
>The path he fell through was bluish, but Lucas did not see
Tom: He was thinking, "Superstores! I'll build Lucas's
>All he felt was some...thing in his mind eating away at
>his memories, his dreams, his identity.
Joel: Which, granted, didn't amount to much more than a
Crow: See, kids! Fanfics DO rot your brain!
Tom: Especially self-inserts.
Crow: This is your brain... this is your brain on SI
Joel: Any questions?
>Lucas didn't see the path's opening, nor did he see where
>he landed. All he saw was water.
Crow: "I wet 'em."
> All he felt was an incredible burning sensation around
>his whole body.
Tom: The itching... the burning... spring of Drown
>Seemingly of it's own will his body shot out of the water,
>landing in a heap on the ground.
Crow: Even the springs don't want him..
Crow: What was it a heap of that he landed on?
Joel: Maybe he fell into the Spring of Drowned Heap?
>The last thing he thought before he fell unconscious was,
>'At least it could be worse.'
Crow: Rule #473: Never say, "It could be worse."
>Something in his mind assured him that it could not. Then
>all faded to blackness.
Tom: He got the cliche backwards. He's supposed to think it
CAN'T be worse and then the voice should assure him that it
Crow: All I have to say... "Nice fade."
>The guide saw the whole thing. Another portal had opened
>up, like the ones those strange Japanese people kept
Joel: Those wacky Japanese!
Crow: The sad thing is, they make better portals for less
>Then some boy had fallen out of the portal, and straight
>into a pond.
Joel: Now I'm going to have to clean the pool *again*!
Crow: Hey, buddy...Can't you read the signs? No Swimming!
>Before the boy even hit the water, the guide was already
>running. Gliding with practiced ease between the springs,
>he came to the spring the boy had fallen in and blanched.
Tom: Oh, no, it's the Spring of Drowned Idiot!
Crow: "Is not all that tragic story."
>"Oh-no sir! This not good at all!" he reached down and
>plucked up the small reddish-orange bird at his feet and
>ran back to the hut.
Joel: Oh my God! It's Toucan Sam!
Tom: "Sir! This parrot is dead! It is no more! It has
ceased to be!"
Crow: Wonder if it's carrying a one pound coconut...
>When Lucas came to, he saw the inside of a shack. A beaten
>down hut. A chubby man in a green suit was busy making
Joel: Lucas then noticed the man was reading: "1,001 bird
>Lucas tried to ask him what was going on. All that came
>out was a bird cry.
Crow: "I tawt I taw a puddy tat!"
Tom: "I tought I taw a guide who's fat!"
Crow: "All the little jay bird on blue-bird street..."
>The chubby guy turned to face Lucas. Lucas didn't notice,
>he was to busy being shocked.
Joel: So, you whizzed on the electirc fence, didja?
Crow: Let's see, he's used the Spring of Drowned Yadda,
Yadda; had him faced to face with Lina Inverse, and he's an
SI character that formerly was a god. Did I leave anything
Tom: The plot, but so did he.
>'A bird cry? What happened to me? Waitaminute. Who am I?
>Why is a bird cry a bad thing? What the hell is going
Crow: I want my mommy!
Joel: Sounds like he's fallen in the SOD-Usagi Tsukino.
Tom: "Why did I write myself into a spring of a drowned
Joel: "Shouldn't I be kicking Ryouga's butt about now?"
Tom: He missed the number 3 SI Cliche, though. Give him
that. It wasn't spring of fabulously cool timber wolf or
something like that.
>The chubby man threw hot water at Lucas. Next thing Lucas
>knew, he had collapsed into the ground (fully clothed,
>with backpack and all).
Crow: Preburied. How convenient.
Tom: QUICK! WHERE'S THE SHOVEL?!?!?!
>Lucas shot an angry glare at the guide, then a curious
>one. 'I know this man...'
Joel: Lucas, I am your father...
Crow: I'm not even going to touch this one.
Tom: I'm not either, many state statutes could convict me.
Joel: "We went out a couple of times, saw the world, he'd
splash me with something... I'd giggle and say something
>The Guide, on the other hand, was busy trying to explain
>what had happened.
Crow: How many hands does this guide have?
Joel: You see, we both real drunk last night... You say you
want to make love to REALLY large chubby man, while wearing
Tom: "Oh, sir! You wrote self into terrible self-insert!
Very tragic story!"
Crow: "Well...you had drowned and I just HAD to give you
>However, Lucas, looking caucasian and having no real idea
>what his origins were at the moment, and the guide being
>REALLY distressed and having not known English, Lucas had
>absolutely no idea what the Guide was trying to say.
Tom: But being white and not one of those filthy other
races... he was fine and dandy diddily!
Joel: And *I* have no idea what the NARRATOR is trying to
Crow: Pardon me. Am I looking particularly Caucasian right
Tom: We have a Caucasian, annoying a Chinese national in
his own hut, could you send something over, preferably well
>"Oh sir! You fall into very bad spring! Is Spring of
>Drowned Phoenix! Whoever fall in take form of Phoenix!
Tom: A city in Arizona? In China now?
Crow: How did a city drown?
Joel: Wondertwit powers activate! Form of a Phoenix!
Tom: Forget what I said about SI cliche #3 earlier, guys.
> And if you change again, you stuck that way!" came the
>Guide's usual commentary. Lucas just stands there looking
>blankly at him.
Tom: "Oh, Sir! You must now go and sit on Kuno's head!"
Crow: Verb tense shift alert!!!!
Joel: Guide's commentary, after these words from our
Crow: So now he's changing the Jusenkyo rules, for no
Tom: Hey! If he turns into a bird he can't write!
>"What?" replies Lucas smartly, baffled by this weirdo's
Crow: "I said take me to you leader!"
Tom: "Are you one o' them furriners or somethin'?"
>Half an hour latter both parties got sick of this
>(Actually, the Guide did.
Tom: As did the readers.
>Lucas was still trying to get an English/Japanese answer
>out of him when the guide punted him into orbit.).
Joel: Damn...Sign that man to a contract!
Tom: Why is it always orbit? Doesn't anyone aim for the
moon anymore? Alice?
Crow: Does that mean that Lucas will die upon re-entry?
Tom: Or of asphyxiation in outer space?
>"Stupid tourist." mumbles the guide as he heads back to
Crow: "Now I got to clean my shoes!"
Tom: "Stupid self-inserts. I hate 'em!"
Joel: Well, enough of that nonsense, back to dipping
rodents into the spring of drowned hot sexy chicks that
find chubby guides in green absolutely irresistable....
Crow: Next on Jerry Springer...
Tom: "My next guest has a too too tragic story."
>Lucas was in lower Earth orbit, enjoying the view
>immensely, when something told him this was bad.
Joel: That was us! We've been trying to tell him that all
>'Hmm... somethin's wrong here... let's see... I'm really
>high up, looking down at the ground... is it coming
>closer? Maybe it wants to say hello!'
Tom: I'll tell ya what's wrong! I'll tell ya what's wrong!
Crow: "It's Mr. Ground! I'm just dying to meet him!"
Tom: This whole fic is wrong!
> "Hi Ground!!" The something groaned.
Crow: The readers groaned.
Tom: The audience is getting quite restless...
Joel: And the ground, inscrutable as always, said nothing.
Crow: Yes, it remained soil-ent. Heh heh heh! OW!
>"Hey ground, you don't have to come so fast, I mean...
>could you slow down just a little?" The ground sped up.
Joel: Sorry kid, lots of important things to do... places
to cover, dead to bury, kids to squash.
Crow: The ground wants to get this fic over with as badly
as we do....
Tom: Some tricky viewpoint work here.
>Right before Lucas slammed into the ground, the something
>got another message through. It read: You're going to die,
Joel: And the crowd goes wild!
Tom: The something is a bowl of geraniums that just
happened to be floating nearby in space, right?
Crow: Not to mention a sperm whale...
>'That would be bad.' he thought as his face plowed the
Joel: The farmers followed behind, planting crops for the
Crow: Hey, guys! What's the last thing that goes through a
bug's head as he hits the windshield?
Crow: His ass.
>Fortunately, he was saved by Takashi rule number 57: No
>one ever dies in Ranma 1/2. Not even self-inserts. Unless
Tom: Kind of like Ryu Kuumon's dad or Mrs. Tendo?
Joel: What about Saffron? He sorta died
Crow: And Akari's Grandfather?
Tom: And even if the rule is true, we're all too happy to
help lynch Lucas!
> Of course, he didn't consider it that fortuitous, leaving
>most of his face five feet back in the new trench he dug.
Tom: He wasn't the considering type, what with no face and
all... he was rather remarkable in the bleeding and oozing
Joel: You know, it's amazing how many gardening references
are in this fic....
>At this point, Lucas thought sleep would be good. He
>didn't really know why, but something told him sleep would
Crow: So, when is he going to pick his face back up then?
Joel: Man....Why can't he just take a sleeping pill like
Tom: Didn't the voice say that he was about to die?
Crow: It lied. I hate it when that happens!
Tom: Perhaps he'll die after extensive hospitalization?
>As Lucas went to 'nappy-land' the something took over.
>His body got up and looked around.
Joel: "Hi! I'm a possessed hero!"
Crow: Even his own body wants out of this fic!
>'Hmm... China.' Lucas' eyes turned to the trench. 'Ow. Bet
>that stung.' His hand went to his face, and touched his
Joel: "But boy! It takes that stubble right off!"
>'Yep. It hurt him quite a bit. Better take care of
>this...' The hand glowed, and the flesh healed.
Crow: Umm... where the hell did that come from?
Joel: Ladies and Gentlemen... we HAVE godlike powers!
Tom: Yeah, when you're the author, you can give yourself
weird powers for no reason.
Crow: What SI cliche would that be, anyway?
Crow: Oh, yeah.
> "Interesting... this land has a 50% conductivity rate.
>Not bad. That IS enough for most energy attacks... I
>wonder..." Lucas points at a nearby tree.
Crow: Let's try to pretend that meant something....
Joel: Hey, you guys! The guide book says that there's a 65%
conductivity rate two miles away!
Tom: You! Tree! Where can I find some aftershave?
>His eyes glow blood red. "Gometivus...INFUERMAUS!!!" A
>column of black flame, 20 feet in diameter engulfs the
Joel: "Meaningless... DRIVELUS!"
>"Infuermaus... NEGETEO." The fire dies out. The tree is
>gone. No ash, no dust, nothing. Just gone. "Excellent."
Tom: "Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!"
> The next morning, Lucas gets up and stretches. "Hmm...
Joel: "What do you MEAN, there's no McDonalds at
Crow: Hmm...that's the only problem with travelling that
way...no in-flight meals!
> He looks around. A small black pig with a yellow
>bandanna waddles into vision range. That is to say 5 feet.
Joel: P-chan went wading in Mousse's spring, I guess....
Tom: Wait a sec... his line of sight is five feet long?
Sounds like HE was the one in Mousse's spring.
>He looks at it with hunger etched in his eyes. "Mmmm...
Crow: That sick little monkey!
Tom: Yeah, he's ripping off "The Simpsons!"
>P-Chan (who else could it be?) jumps away from the crazed
>Gyjin, and starts running as fast as his little pig feet
>can take him. Lucas runs after him.
Crow: "Gyjin?" Is that an occidental gynecologist?
Joel: Lucas runs after him, forgetting that he can char-
broil P-chan in seconds anyway, due to his super-special
Tom: Ah, not if the pig gets out of that five foot vision
range he's got.
>Despite the fact that Ryoga's little pig legs are a whole
>mess shorter than a human's, and despite the fact that
>Ryoga has no sense of direction, Lucas still can't catch
Joel: "Hmmm, Phenomenal Cosmic Powers, and all I had to
give up was my eyesight, ability to catch an ungreased pig,
and plot... not bad!"
>Perhaps this is due to the fact he trips every five
Crow: "Sir! You fall in spring of drowned drug addict!"
Tom: Of course he's tripping... you think you write this
stuff with a clear head?
Joel: Hmm.. think maybe he can't fricassee P-chan because
of the low conductivity rate in the vicinity, guys?
Crow: Yeah, you need at least 85% to catch a pig.
>'Hmmm... this isn't working.' Lucas leaps at P-Chan, who
>simply sidesteps it.
Joel: Having no range of vision worth mentioning, he fell
off a nearby cliff.
Tom: Was Lucas trying to glomp P-chan there?
Crow: Lucas IS P-chan's Lover!
>The clumsy one then falls face first onto a highway.
Crow: Lucas, right? Say it's Lucas!
Tom: Jusenkyo is right off the Interstate, did you know
Crow: Right next to an IHOP, actually.
Tom: So why didn't Ranma & Genma stop there to eat?
Crow: Genma would have actually had to PAY for something.
Joel: Jusenkyo! Right off Highway 215, Exit 35! Come
tomorrow, Ritual Drowning Day! Bring the Family!
>Fortunately, this being the middle of nowhere, heavy
>traffic is not a concern. In fact, the only concern on
>Lucas' mind is what he should do about the large bus about
>to hit him.
Tom: Major highways don't have traffic now? Lucas is
messing with natural laws now.
Crow: And that bus came from the gonggong qiche niquan, I
>Maybe not. Anyway, the bus smashes into him, knocking him
>a good ten feet through the air, before he lands and digs
>yet another trench with his head.
Crow: So Lucas is a DitchWitch in disguise, right?
Tom: Something like that.
>However, Takashi Rule number 57 saves him yet again. Then
>it starts complaining about it's back and goes home.
Joel: Um, what is Takashi Rule # 57?
Tom: I don't know, but apparently its back hurts.
Crow: Supposedly it says that no one ever dies.
>Meanwhile (following the previous pattern) the mysterious
>something that most of you have probably placed as that
>demon whose name I wouldn't give takes control of Lucas'
>body again (no, this is not an Edding's Fic!) and then
>proceeds to blow the bus into it's component atoms.
Joel: Umm... an Eddings fic is infinitely better than
Tom: Ever read "Day of Emergence," Joel?
Joel: Uh, well... okay, but even so....
>Takashi Rule number 57 then runs out and starts screaming
>at the Something.
All: Five more paragraphs!
Tom: Five more! That's... that's A LOT... <sniffle>
>"You !*$@$%&%^@#! How many !@#%&*( times did I save your !
Joel: "How many times did I type random digits while
>Are you trying to get me fired?!?" T.R. #57 screams at the
>Something. The Something simply blows him to atoms.
Crow: So that means people can die now?
Tom: And the Takahashi Rule #57 is a guy?
Joel: No, no, no, it's a TAKASHI rule...
Crow: Think maybe we can kill off the author now? Can we?
>"There will be no more Takashi Rules throughout the rest
>of this story pertaining to the stoppage of Death,
>destruction, or mayham.
Crow: What about Juneham?
Joel: "Mayham." That would be P-chan, during the fifth
month of the year.
> I am very serious about this, Narrator." Said the idoitic
>Somethi--OW! OKAY! OKAY!
Joel: This is sad. Very, very sad.
Tom(Narrator): Take me, baby!
Joel: I think he's just blown the Fourth Wall to atoms....
Crow: If the Takashi rule is now revoked, I want to test it
>"Good." the Something- "Oh, just tell them my name
>already." FINE. MAGNOR gestures at P-Chan (who upon
>seeing the Bus get blown up, did what any self respecting
>martial artist would do if faced with immianate
>destruction. Run like hell).
Tom: Now, see, class, this is an example of how an author
successfully keeps his readers in suspense by withholding
information from them. If he had just told us "Magnor" in
the beginning, it would've spoiled everything.
Crow: What kind of a name is Magnor for a demon? That's
like having a guy named Bubba as President of the United
States! Um... waitaminute...
Tom: Umm... what was the gesture that Magnor gave to P-
Joel: Maybe he was flipping the bird...
Crow: This little piggy says "F--- off!"
>P-Chan suddenly stops, and floats over to Magnor.
Joel: Why didn't Lucas try that earlier?
Crow: P-chan floats now? This makes less and less sense as
it goes along.
Tom: Seems to work better than chasing the pig...
>'Let me go you crazy superpowered Gyjin! Hold it...
>superpowered Gyjin? Oh NO! IT'S A SELF-INSERT!!!' all
>this runs though Ryoga's mind as he floats over to
Crow: Gee, this fic is so bad, even the characters know it.
Crow: Poor Ryouga's been so traumatized by so many SIs in
various forms over the years...
Joel: Especially the last one where he had to have sex with
Tom: That wasn't a self-insert, Joel... though I guess you
>Magnor causually flicks P-chan on the side of the head,
>knocking him out. "Now, now. we can't deprive Akane of her
>pet, now can we?" Magnor's eyes glow red, and he vanishes.
Joel: "Oh, my god, He killed P-chan!"
Tom: You bastard!
Crow: How does a simple flick to the head knock out a
Tom: Especially a pig as tough as Ryoga?
Joel: That's the whole fic, guys, unless you want to rip on
his author's notes.
Tom: Yeah, I think we've had enough.
"Well, guys, what did you think about the fic?" Joel
asked the bots as they exited the theater.
"For someone who was saying that the self-insertist was
going to get beat up often, I didn't expect him to order
around Lina Inverse and Ryoga, even as P-Chan," Tom spoke
as Joel let him go. Tom hovered over
to the counter, and motioned to the cards on the table.
"What are these for?" Crow asked.
Joel also walked over to the counter, and explained,
"Well, we decided to play a new game on the Satellite of
Love. It's called, 'In What Cursed Spring Would You Dunk
"Oh, me first! Me first!" Tom pleaded. The small red bot
cleared his throat, and continued as Joel flipped up the
first card, showing a panda eating a piece of bamboo.
"Personally, I'd dunk a self-insert author into the Spring
of Drowned Bamboo."
Crow did a double-take. "Spring of Drowned Bamboo?
it even exist?"
Tom faced Crow as if to give him a withering look. "If
they can drown ducks and octopi, I'm sure that they can
drown bamboo. Besides, what kinds of poles stick up from
"Bamboo," was Crow's reply.
"The way I figured, one of the poles could have slipped
down into the spring, and cursed it."
Joel, still holding up the bamboo card, spoke up. "But
"Well, who's going to pour some hot water on a branch of
Joel turned to Cambot, and then to Crow. "Now, what will
you dunk a self-insert into?" He flipped to the next card,
a picture of the Jusenkyo guide.
Crow replied, "There's gotta be a Spring of Drowned Guide
somewhere in those pools of water. Dunk him in there, and
the first guide will finally get some help. That way the SI
author won't ever make it out of China."
Joel put the Guide card on the table, and flipped one up
that had a picture of an average guy. "Well, there is no
Spring of Drowned Keeple, err I mean Kleppe, so I'd throw
him in head-first into..." He dropped the first card, and
came up with a picture of a dolphin. "I'd dunk him into
the Spring of Drowned Dolphin. The way I figure, since they
say that dolphins are smarter than humans, I figure that a
little intelligence couldn't hurt anyone. And the FFML
would be treated to better and better fanfic all the
time." The red light started flashing. As Joel hit it he
said, "What do you think, sirs?"
"All we know is that Lucas came up with a great way to
serve a dinner," Clayton Forrester replied. "So, we're
opening up the Floating Pig Cafe."
Frank walked over to Dr. F's side in a short order cook's
outfit. Just then the doorbell rang. "Dr. Forrester, if
you get that, I'll fire up the grill."
Dr. Forrester strode to the door, and opened it up. On
the doorstep stood a young man wearing a black-striped
yellow bandanna. He yelled, "Where am I now!?!"
Dr. F took two steps back. "Well, son, you're in the
Floating Pig Cafe. If you'd take a seat, I can float a menu
The young man took a look at him. "What are you serving
The young man instantly looked depressed. "The world is
a dark and lonely place. Shishi Houkodan!!"
After the smoke cleared, Deep 13 was almost totally
destroyed. The tables set up for the cafe were sticking
out of the walls, and Dr. F had to remove three lace
doilies from his face. He walked over to the button as he
said, "So does that mean you want some food?"
\ | /
- POOF! -
/ | \
"Does your chef know how to make a shrimp okonomiyaki?"
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