Mystery Science Theater 3001

Episode 3003- "Hang on, Batty!"
MSTed by the Placid Jack Acid


In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere up overhead:
Mike Nelson beats out all the odds,
Because he's not yet dead...
Pursued by a woman, whose name is Pearl,
A twisted, sadistic, sort of girl,
She's mad Mike's mind isn't whacked,
So she decided to try a different kind of tact!

Pearl: I'LL... GET... *YOU*!!!

"I'll send him lousy web posts,
The worst he's ever seen!
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And keep his comments clean!"

Now keep in mind, Mike has to read,
Whatever post that Pearl sends;
He'll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his robot friends!

>>Robot Roll Call <<

Cambot! (Quiet on the set!)
Gypsy! (I do *not* sound like Gumby!)
Tom Servo! (What's my line again?)
Crooow! (City of Angels!)

If you're wondering why Mike has to read,
And other useless facts,
Just repeat to yourself it's just a post,
You should really just relax! For...

Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand

Crow:  ... and two! Damn, I mean *one!* Shoot!


The story MSTed within is copyrighted to Darren "Sabrewolf" Perlongo.
May he rest in peace. This MSTing was released three years ago Any
random mention of characters, songs, movies, and the like belong to their
respective owners. All rights reserved. The use of said copyrighted material
is for entertainment purposes only and no sort of infringement is intended.

'Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers' is the property of Disney. Mr.
Perlongo failed to mention this in his original story.

This MSTing is rated G. You'll still wish you hadn't read it, though.


[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]


   "Remind me again, what we were doing?"
   "Stuff and things, I believe..."
   "Ah... right.' Crow T. Robot resumed staring off into nowhere.
   "Uhmph." Tom Servo replied, and went back to reading.
   Silence fell once more.
    And then, a strange man entered the room.
   "WE KNOW YOUR BUSINESS!!!"
   "GA'AH!!" both bot chorused in unison. The newcomer that stood before them
was dressed in a old fashioned carnival barker outfit, and the reek of 'snake oil man'
just seeped out of him. The dandy wore a perpetual smile and brandished a cane,
which he often swung about him in order to add emphasis to his every word. In
short, it might be a good idea to check to make sure that your wallet is not missing
from time to time for the duration of this skit...
   "HEY, KIDDIES!! YOU FELLAS LOOK LIKE YOU NEED MY SPECIAL
PATENTED BRAND OF MASS MAILING SOFTWARE!!"
   "What the..." Crow began.
   "WAIT, SONNY, I'M NOT QUITE DONE. SAY, HAVE YOU EVER FELT
THAT YOU HAVEN'T GOTTEN ENOUGH EXPOSURE ON THE WORLD
WIDE WEB?"
   Tom bigsweated. "I beg your pardon? Why, I nev--"
   "SURE YOU HAVE! WHICH IS WHY YOU NEED A DOSE OF MY HIGH-
QUALITY, LOW-CALORIE ADDRESSING AND DISTRIBUTION DATA-BASE!
ALL INCLUDED IN MY SOFTWARE PACKAGE..."
   "But..."
   "BUT WAIT! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE!!"
   Gypsy wheeled into the room. "Hi, guys, just wanted to tell you that I had to lower the
Satellite's screens so I could service them, so some debris may of... uh, oh, too late!"
She tried to get away, but the man suddenly blocked her escape.
   "NOW, NOW, MY LITTLE LADY! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE WHOLE
DEAL YET!! SURELY SOMEONE AS LOVELY AS YOU WOULD KNOW THE
POTENTIAL OF MASS MAILING?!"
   "No! I mean, maybe... I don't know! I just work here! Let me through!" Gypsy was
getting rather upset. "Look, we aren't interested, so if you'd just..."
   The man remained unfazed. "SAY THERE, SIR OR MA'AM!" he said,
addressing Crow. "YOU SEEM TO HAVE A LEVEL... HEAD? ON YOUR... WHATEVER.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE OUR PACKAGE DEALS? THEY COME WITH A LIFE-
TIME GUARANTEE!"
   "You don't say... let me see that!" Crow violently shook his head. "I mean, no! Must resist..
urge to... SPAM!!"
   "DAVID!"
   The shyster spun around and glared in the direction the voice had come from. He snarled
and bared his teeth at what he saw.
   There stood Michael J. Nelson dressed as a man of the cloth, brandishing a Holy Cross
before him as one would hold up a shield. "Get thee back, Spammer Demon, back to the
festering recesses of the Usenet from whence thee came! In the behalf of the authority
given to me by all that HyperText, and all that is Bandwidth, AWAY WITH YOU, VILE
MR. DAVID E-MAIL!! BEGONE!!!
   With that, the stranger screamed in intense pain, and collapsed into a heap of rags, dust,
and 'Dan Quayle for 2000' campaign buttons. All that was left was his hat, which Crow
promptly picked up and put on.
   "Well, what do you know? It worked! Oh, Simply Pearl's calling." Mike put down the
Cross (actually a Silver Mally Award, go figure) and activated the comm link to Forrester's
van.

[Winged Microbus of Doom]

   "Ah, if it isn't Father O'Nelson! Feeling a little 'holier than thou' today?" Pearl Forrester smiled
nastily at the Satellite's crew. "Well, humble are those who read today's movie, a particularly
amusing attempt at disguising self-insertion... You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll wish I'd found another
piece of spam to show!! Maybe even one by our friend... DAVE!?"
   *"Do not mention that foul name!"* Mike thrust the Silver Mally up at Pearl's image on the
hexscreen. The mad scientist noticeably flinched.
   "Okay, okay! Sheesh, Aren't we crabby today? At any rate, Mike-robe, get ready to
hang on to your batty! Brain Guy?"

[SoL Bridge]

   Mike hummed a 'Tabernacle Choir' tune, but it did no good. Tom stopped fighting Crow for
the carnie hat, and screamed (you guessed it) "WE GOT MOVIE SIIIIIIGN!!!"


[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]


>By: Darren "Sabrewolf" Perlongo
>
>                    Hang on Batty


Tom:   Hang on Batty? How utterly sadistic!
Mike:  Sir, I will do no such thing!
(they sit in their usual seats)


>Opening scene:RRHQ right after breakfast in the living room,Dale is
>watching a scifi flick while Chip is helping Gadget in her workshop


Crow:  ... nudge, nudge, wink, and wink!
Mike:  Crow... that's not a very nice mental image...
Tom:   No, just a very *weird* one!


>and Wolf is in his room that had been made just yesterday.


Mike:  Wolf?
Tom:   Made it yesterday, huh? Guess the Rangers didn't need the extra
broom closet space...
Crow:  Cue the rim shot!


>It has only been about a week and a half sense the gun smuggling
>case where Wolf joined the team.


Mike:  Wolf.


>Dale:  Blast those aliens you star troopers!!!!


Tom:   Calm down, Dale, and leave the riffing to us...


>Monty and Zipper come in through the front door, after going to
>collect some parts for Gadget.


Tom:   (as Igor) A brain... I need a brain for my... MASTER!
Crow:  Um, Tom, you're drooling...
Tom:   Eh? Oh! Sorry...


>Monty:  Dale could you keep it down, we can hear you at the bottom
>of the tree.
>
>Zipper nods in agreement


Mike:  Zipper's a regular little 'yes-fly'...


>Dale gives them a dirty look but pipes down.


Tom:   Yes, Dale went past the breaking point and began to hurdle
lead pipes down at them...


>Monty goes into Gadget's workshop to give her the parts


Mike:  What the hell?!
Tom:   The touching love scene in 'Hang on, Batty'...
Crow:  Parts: the Rescue Ranger Horror!


>and comes back out and relaxes on the couch.


Tom:   Whoa! Make way for Mister Stud Man Monty!
Crow:  There and back again, for the grace of God goes Monty...
Mike:  And this is in a Disney cartoon?!


>A few minutes later Chip and Gadget walk out of the workshop.


Crow:  That's gotta be the filthiest scene in the fanfic so far...
Mike:  Stop reading it out of context, for awhile... please.


>Gadget:  Thanks for those parts Monty I'm going to need them
>tomorrow.


Crow:  Nudge, nudge, and wink, wink!
Mike:  I SAID NO MORE READING IT OUT OF &#@*ING CONTEXT!!!
Crow:  Okay, okay, jeez!


>Monty:  No problem luv, we stopped by the cheese shop on the way
>back.


Tom:   Uh, and what does that have to do with the parts?


>Gadget just gives him a sarcastic look and goes into her room.


Mike:  Must be one of those famous Rescue Ranger 'in-jokes'...


>Chip walks over to Wolf's room where the door is closed,


Mike:  (looks at Tom) Wolf?


>he knocks and waits a couple of seconds.
>
>Wolf(from inside his room):Come in.


Tom:   (looks at Mike) Wolf.


>Chip opens the door to find Wolf sitting cross-legged on the
>floor in the middle of his room.


Crow:  (as Wolf) So, Chip, at long last we meet!


>His room has his bed on one side made of sponge with a Olive
>Drab Army style blanket on it,perfectly made.


Mike:  Now that is some *tiny* Army surplus...


>He has a gun vault embedded into the wall so it could not be
>removed from his room.


Tom:   His sacred peashooter is *always* safe, damn it!
Mike:  And all this installed just yesterday. Right.


>Several pieces of furniture are around the room all completely
>tidy.


Crow:  That's nice. And now, back to the story...


>Chip:  What are you doing wolf?


Tom:   (as Wolf) Trying to remember how to breathe...


>Wolf:  Meditating
>
>Chip:  why?


All:   (laugh)
Mike:  (as Wolf) Because I don't like you, that's why!


>Wolf:  I need to clear my head,


Crow:  (as Wolf) There, done.


>I haven't been around people for this long in years and its making
>me soft,less effective.


Tom:   Less than nothing? That's pretty bad!


>Chip:  you're not less effective you're still sharp as a needle.


Mike:  (as Chip) A crocheting needle, true, but still...


>Wolf:  I don't know, I just keep getting these feelings and sense I
>don't know how to deal with them I need to get rid of them, they are
>a danger to me and the team.


Crow:  (as Wolf) Oh, and you too.


>Chip:  If you don't know how to handle the things you've got to learn
>how to.Express yourself.


All:   (singing) I just gotta... be me!


>Wolf:  I don't know,but I'll think about it.


Crow:  (as Wolf) There, done...
Mike:  (snickers)


>Chip:  Glad to help.
>
>Wolf nods in response.


Tom:   Up, down, up, down, inhale...
Mike and Crow: (laugh)
Tom:   ... up, down, up, down, exhale.


>Chip:  Hold on a sec I want to teach dale a lesson,


Crow:  I hope to God that it doesn't involve the giving of 'parts'...


>Chip(calling down the hall):  hey Dale come here a minute.


Mike:  Dale? I thought it was *dale*!
Bots:  (groan)


>Dale comes running up with an annoyed look on his face.
>
>Dale:  Hurry up its the commercial and I don't want to miss the movie.
>
>Chip:  Why can't you keep our room this clean(he points inside Wolfs
>room.)


Tom:   (as Dale) But, Chip, there's a big pile of dirty clothes
laying-- oh! Sorry, Wolf, you blend right in!
Mike:  (laughs)


>Dale gives Chip a dirty look and runs back to the TV.
>
>Wolf:  What was that about?


Crow:  (as Chip) Silence, interloper!


>Chip:  Stop by my room sometime and you'll understand..


Mike:  (singing) ... why I feel this way.
Bots:  (snicker)


>Chip: I'm going to go watch TV with Dale see ya later.


Crow:  Thrill, as they WATCH TV!


>Wolf nods.


Tom:   ... and up, down, up, down, inhale...
Mike:  (laughs) Oh no! He forgot about the exhaling part!


>About ten minutes later everyone is watching Dale's movie when Wolf
>walks out in full flight gear with his helmet under his arm.


Mike:  ... well, actually it's a bunny suit with a hollowed out
watermelon half...
Crow:  Shhh! Don't shatter his illusions, Mike!


>Wolf:  I'm going out for some flight time so I'll be back in about an
>hour.


Crow:  ... and they never saw him again... alive! BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


>He walks over to Gadget


Tom:   ... left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot...


>Wolf to Gadget:  by the way thanks again for making that room for me.


Mike:  (as Gadget) Hey, we weren't using that extra bathroom anyway...


>Gadget:  No problem, say you don't have an extra seat in that jet of
>yours do you?


Crow:  A *jet*?
Tom:   Since when do mice...?


>Chip gets a very nervous look on his face.
>
>Wolf grins slightly.


Tom:   Corners of the mouth go down-- I mean up! Up! Shoot!


>Wolf:  Sure, want to come along for the ride?


Mike:  (as Gadget) *Hell* No!


>Gadget:  Yeah,those jets must be nice to fly.


Crow:  (as Wolf) Yes, but do want take the ride or not?


>They both get up and start to head to the door.Chip jumps up and try's
>to stop them.


Tom:   (as Popeye) Try's to mess with me girl, eh? Well blow me down!


>Chip:  Gadget, are you sure those things are safe?


Crow:  (as Chip) What I'm trying to say is, SSSTTTAAAAAAYYY!!!
Mike and Tom: (laugh)


>Gadget: Sure,besides both of us are pilots.


Mike:  Oh, *that* will calm him right down!
Tom:   Yeah, they don't get much safer than *Gadget*...


>Chip: Then can I come along?
>
>Wolf:  Sorry, no three seat planes, but I'd be happy to take you up
>tomorrow.


Tom:   (as Wimpy) ... if you give me a cheeseburger today.


>With a slightly defeated look, Chip gives up and goes back inside.


Tom:   Yeah, way to stick it to 'em, fearless leader...
Crow:  (as Chip) I *will* avenge my death... wait a minute... Never
mind!


>Wolf motions Gadget to follow him and he leads her down to the flight
>room in his base.


Mike:  The one they just put in *yesterday*?
Tom:   Smile, nod...


>After they get into the flight room, Wolf looks at a control consul
>for a second.


Tom:   (as Wolf) Focus... focus... blink, exhale...


>Wolf:  I think an F-15 will do.


All:   (laugh)
Crow:  (as Wolf) Oh, and I guess I'll be taking the miniature
nukes out, too...
Tom:   It's amazing how detailed these model planes are getting,
isn't it?


>He hits a button on the consul and an F-15 is taken from it's storage
>lot and placed on the runway by a giant crane.


Mike:  ... all of which were installed less than 24 hours ago!
Tom:   Gadget's ambitious, true, but this is a little ridiculous...


>Then wolf opens a closet and after a few moments of thinking he pulls
>out a flight suit.


Crow:  Leather and lace, for her titillation!
Mike:  Stuff it, Crow...


>Wolf:  I think this should fit, the changing room is over there


Crow:  (as Wolf) ... in that corner! Ah, and don't mind me...
Mike:  I said stuff it, Crow!
Crow:  Bite me!


>(he points to a door)


Tom:   (as Wolf) Put arm out, bring arm up, extend index finger...
got it!
Mike:  (half-heartedly claps)


>Gadget: Ok thanks but why can't I just wear my coveralls.


Crow:  Good question, Gadget. Wolf, your response?


>Wolf:  You wear the flightsuit over the coveralls,it keeps you from
>blacking out when we pull high G's.


Mike:  Uh huh, sure...
Tom:   Sure! An extra thin layer of clothing really makes all the
difference when you're pulling four G's!
Mike:  No doubt. Wolf really knows his stuff...


>Gadget: Oh, ok


Tom:   (as Gadget) I'll humor him, at least until I can get word to
the police!
Crow:  Whatever you do, Gadget, don't ask him where he got the jets!


>She goes into the room and comes back out in the suit.


Mike:  (as Gary Shandling) Okay, five minutes have just passed...


>Wolf:  Ok lets get going.


Mike:  (as Gary Shandling) *Another* five minutes have just past...


>After showing her how to strap in,


Crow:  A little S & M for you beastialists out there...


>he leads her over to the plane and  she gets in the back seat of the
>jet.


Tom:   But, wait! Wasn't she already strapped in?
Mike:  So I thought...


>Wolf gets into the front seat and after securing his own harness and
>closing the canopy he starts up the plane.


Mike: (as Wolf) I'm gonna secure the *hell* outta this harness!


>Wolf:  you know Gadget,  we could design some weapons for the planes
>that are non-leathal,then the Rangers could use the jets more often.


Tom:   Jets. So, he has more than one... oh, *man*!
Crow:  (as Wolf) Granted I enjoy using the lethal ones more, but this
*is* a Disney cartoon...
Mike:  In theory, at least...


>Gadget:  Yeah your right, I'll think about it.


Mike:  (as Gadget) There, done!
Tom:   (snickers) Alright, alright already!


>Wolf:  Prepare for takeoff


Crow:  And so having said that, the plane immediately bursts into
flame!
Tom:   That was dark...


>He hits the engine start button and throttles to half afterburner, the
>plane audibly strains against the catapult on the runway .The strains
>can be heard even over the immence roar of the twin turboprop engines.


Mike:  And keep in mind, all this supposedly inside a tree in a nice,
quiet park...


>Gadget:  Golly, this thing is loud.
>
>Wolf:  Yep


All:   (laugh)
Crow:  (as Wolf) Yep, uh-huh, uh-huh, sure... yep.


>He moves his thumb over a button on the throttle stick.
>
>Wolf:  release in 5,4,3,2,1,release.


All:   WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!


>With that he pushes the button


All:   (hum MST3k Love theme)


>and the catapult fires driving both of them into their seats.


Tom:   Twang!
Crow:  Out of their seats! Throw them *out* of their seats!


>They shoot out of the tunnel and go to about 15000 feet.


Mike:  (singing) Up we go, into the wild blue plot de-vice!
Crow:  The Three-Mile High Club!


>Gadget:  jeepers! that was fast.


Tom:   The humor of understatement...
Mike:  Yes?
Tom:   ... is wasted in this fanfic.
Mike:  Yes...


>Wolf:  you aint seen nothing yet.


Crow:  How true! How so *damn* true!


>He slams the engine into full thrust


Crow:  SURGE! IwishIhadsome SURGE!


>shooting tongues of flame several feet behind each engine and soon
>they break the sound barrier,the sonic boom shatters a few windows
>near them.


Mike:  (laughs) But you just said they were three miles high!
Tom:   Maybe they're in the Himalayas...


>Wolf:  you wanna fly?
>
>Gadget:  I don't know how to fly a jet.


Tom:   (as Gadget) Maybe I could be a vet!
Mike and Crow: (snicker)


>Wolf:  its basically the same as a regular plane but the sidestick is
>your speed controller.If you do do something wrong I can switch
>control back to me.


Crow:  (as Wolf) ... and if we start to crash, just don't aim for
the ground!


>Gadget: ok I'll try
>
>Wolf: ready?
>
>Gadget: yes
>
>He flips a switch and gadget takes control..


Tom:   The autopilot? I thought Gadget wanted to fly...
Mike:  Capitalization? Who needs it! Phooey on you, capitalization!


>He shows her how to control various things on the plane like the
>radar and radio systems.


Mike:  ... and essentials such as the espresso machine!
Tom:   (as Wolf) ... and here we have the eight-track deck...


>This continues for a time with Gadget quickly learning some of the
>more advanved features of the aircraft and Wolf is impressed by how
>fast she learns it.


Crow:  (as Gadget) Now, which switch keeps the wings from falling off,
again?
Mike:  She can level an entire 'Wal-mart' in twenty seconds flat!
Tom:   Neat!


>About thirty minutes later they are on their way back to HQ when
>Gadget spots something.


Mike:  ... and it's the last few shreds of her dignity.


>Gadget:  hey Wolf, whats that at 3 o'clock?


Tom:   Oh, it's a city school letting out for the day.
Crow:  Bum-bum-bum, ching!


>Wolf:  I don't know lets get in closer.


Crow:  And, they are *immediately* sucked into the engine of a
commercial jetliner, the end!
Mike:  (laughs) I like it!


>He takes controll and  pilots them pretty close to the object and
>after a few seconds Gadget recognizes it.


Tom:   (as Gadget) It's my house! I can see my house from here!


>Gadget: (gasp)its Foxglove, she looks terrible.
>
>She's trying to make it to Headquarters!


Crow:  (snickers) Uh, how can she tell?


>Wolf:  looks like she has some company too.


Mike:  (as Wolf) I think it is *Dale*...
Tom:   Shut *up*, Nelson...


>He indicates a robotic looking device about the size of the jet


Mike:  Pretty damn big, then.
Crow:  Something the size of a Harrier jet buzzing down main street,
undetected... right!


>that resembes a aircombat drone following foxglove.


Tom:   WHOOP! WHOOP! The Goofy Meter's reading off the charts!!
Crow:  Well, this *is* a Disney series, after all...


>After a few seconds it starts shooting nets at her barely missing her.


Crow:  Man, it cost 25 billion dollars to build, and the damned thing's
near-sighted...
Mike:  (as Joker) Where does he get all those wonderful toys?!


>Wolf:  put on your oxygen mask,


Mike:  ... which should prevent her from blacking out.
Tom:   From the G-forces?
Mike:  From the sheer boredom.
Tom:   Ah...


>were going to give her cover.


Tom:   You were? Then what 'cha gonna do now?
Crow:  Apostrophes are our *friends*...


>They both quickly put on their masks and Wolf dives toward the robot,
>his eyes fiercely locked on his target.
>
>Wolf:  Sidewinder locked on.


Mike:  Yeah, let's see how well them tiny missiles do to a full-sized
jet!


>He fires a missile from a wingtip, which the robot dodges easily and
>starts shooting guns back,


Crow:  Robot's on our side! Yay!


>the tracers slicing through the air rather gracfully.
>
>Wolf does


Tom:   ... Dallas.
Crow:  (snickers)


>evasive maneuvers and comes in again.
>
>Wolf:  locked on
>
>He waits until he is very close to the robot until he fires,


Mike:  ... so the explosion will take out *both* jets.
Tom:   Works for me!
Crow:  Me too!


>the device does not have time to dodge and is hit being completely
>destroyed,


Tom:   WAH! You sunk my battleship, YOU BASTAAAARRRRD!!!


>showering flaming debris onto the ground below.


Crow:  ... maiming countless innocent bystanders.
Mike:  (laughs) And the police look on, slightly amused...
Tom:   (as a cop) HQ, we have what appears to be a robotic jet, down on
5th and main, over... appears to have been brought down by a tiny model
aircraft, over... that's right, over... no, I have *not* been drinking!
Over!


>Gadget:  Wow,good flying.
>
>Wolf:  Thanks,lets land and help her out.


Mike:  (as Gadget) No, let's put her out of her misery. Got any
Sidewinders left?


>They land inside the tunnel and take the elevator back up to HQ,the
>table now have been moved just a few days ago to allow them quick
>acces to the facillity in needed.


Tom:   Uh... sure. What table was that again?
Mike:  I imagine he's referring to the one they use as a dinner table.
Crow:  See, Tom, it *pays* to watch the Disney Channel every now and
then...
Tom:   Yeah, but not every *waking* moment, *right*, Crow?
Mike:  Knock it off, fellas, and save your riffs for Wolf...


>Gadget:  Hurry outside Foxgloves in trouble!!!


Crow:  (as Gadget) And Timmy fell down another well! Come quick!!


>All the rangers scramble to the runway to see a smoking, sootcovered,
>and generally not feeling well foxglove land badly on the runway in
>front of them.


Tom:   Foxglove used to work for 'Val-u-jet', I see.


>She starts staggering over to Dale.
>
>Foxglove:  Dale.......


Mike:  (as Foxglove) I... thought... you... were... Dale! Gasp!
Tom:   Shut *up*, Nelson! I *mean* it this time!


>Foxglove then passes out and falls into Dale's arms.
>
>Chip:  lets get her to the hospital!
>
>The rangers pile into the ranger wing with the injured bat layed out
>on the rangers laps.


Tom:   (snickers) Oh no, another lemon scene!
Crow:  Time to play *Hide the Parts*!
Mike:  Crow...


>Wolf scrambles back down to his jet which as been automaticly rearmed
>and takes off to provide the other rangers with cover if it should
>become nessacary.


Crow:  And why, you ask? Man, this guy is *paranoid!*
Tom:   I *still* want to know how he got all this installed just
yesterday!
Mike:  Office Max. They can do *anything*...
Crow:  Maybe Wolf is tight with Bob Vila?


>However they encountered no resistence and Foxglove was taken in and
>treated by the same doctors that had treated Wolf only a week and a
>half ago.


Mike:  Wow, did *they* ever blow their chance! They could of declared
him clinically brain dead and buried him the same night!
Tom:   Oh, what might have been...


>Several hours later Foxglove is still asleep in her hospital bed.All
>the rangers are in the room with her.


Tom:   ... oh, and Wolf was there, too.


>Wolf: who is she anyway?


Mike:  She was a bit character in episode I really don't remember all
that much of...
Crow:  But did *that* stop Perlongo? No way!


>Chip:  she used to be a witches helper who....took a liking to Dale


Crow:  ... ifyaknowwhatImean!


>....and helped us defeat her master.She's a good friend of the
>rangers.


Tom:   (as Chip) Unlike *you*, Wolf...


>Wolf:  I wonder what happened,those burn marks were caused by a type 3
>stun beam


Mike:  Or, she might have simply flew into a set of power lines...
Bots:  (snickers)


>and Gadget and I saw the drone shoot nets at her.


Crow:  Maybe the drone was after *another* small, pink bat! Did 'cha
think about that?


>Why would someone go through those lenghs to catch a bat.


Mike:  Look, Wolf is baffled! How surprising!
Tom:   Sherlock Wolf begins his famous patented pondering method...
Crow:  (sings the 'Dragnet' Theme)


>Then Foxglove groans and begins to stir.
>
>Monty:  She's starting to come around mates
>
>All the rangers gather around her as she slowly drifts toward
>consciousness.


Tom:   Ah yes, the famous 'drift back into consciousness' scene from
'Hang on, Batty'...
Crow:  Foxglove defies all logic by *coming to* during the story!


>Foxglove: wh-where am I


Crow:  (as an old woman) ... and where's my soup?
Tom:   (darkly) You are in... the Valley... of the DAMNED...


>Monty:  you're in a hospital luv, you took a real pounding
>
>Foxglove:  I feel terrible, that thing shocked me with something and
>then started to chase me.


Tom:   (as Foxglove) I think it was *Dale*!
Mike:  Hey, no fair! You yelled at *me*, remember?!
Tom:   (meekly) Heh, sorry, the allure was too strong...


>Foxglove starts looking around at the rangers and smiled weakly when
>she saw Dale
>
>Foxglove:  hiya cute stuff.
>
>Dale blushes at the nickname. Foxglove then notices Wolf.


Mike:  ... and then she passes right back out.


>Foxglove:  who are you?


Tom:   (as Wolf) I am Iron Man. You?


>Wolf:  my name is Wolf


Crow:  ... I saved your life, so let's rock and roll a little!
Mike:  Crow, please...


>Gadget:  he's the one who saved you from that robot.
>
>Foxglove:  thank you sir


Crow:  (as Beavis) Heh, heh, thank you drive thru...


>Wolf:  just doing my job.


Mike:  Yes, committing wonton destruction and violence!
Tom:   All in a good day's work!


>Chip:  when you're feeling better why don't you tell us what happened,
>right now you need your rest.
>
>Monty:  yeah, you just sleep a spell and we'll try to find out what
>happened.


Tom:   ... luv.
Mike:  ... mate.
Crow:  ... too right, we will.


>Foxglove: ok
>
>Foxglove slowly goes to sleep.After a few minutes Wolf motions Chip
>and Dale to come with him and they follow him out the door. They are
>greeted by Dr.Smith.


All:   (laugh)
Crow:  (as Dr. Smith) Oh, the *pain*...


>Wolf:  hey doc, she going to be alright?


Crow:  (as Dr. Smith) Quiet, you infernal nattering ninikabob!
Mike:  (as Dr. Smith) Silence, you wretched excuse for an entertaining
animation!
Tom:   (as Dr. Smith) Desist, you dimwitted doddering dunce!


>Smith:  She'll be just fine Mr. Wolf, all she needs is a days rest.
>
>Wolf:  I don't know, those type of stun beams pack a punch,often with
>delayed action,I'd keep a close eye on her if I were you.


Tom:   Nudge, nudge, wink, wink...
Crow:  In fact, I'd say it's about time for a sponge bath, Rrrowl!
Mike:  You guys can also save it for the lemons...


>Smith:  I'll do that.


Mike:  (as Dr. Smith) Not that you're a doctor, or anything.


>Wolf:  Thank you doctor


Crow:  (as the Terminator) How is your knee, Doctor?


>Smith nods and walks off to another patent's room.Wolf then turns
>to Chip and Dale who had been listening.


Tom:   Hey, if I had ears and I was about six inches away, I'd be
able to listen too...


>Wolf:  Dale I think you should stay here with her here untill she is
>better, she seems to like you alot and having you around will make her
>feel better.


Crow:  It must be a coincidence then that she'll perk right up just
as soon as Wolf leaves the room...


>Dale:  ok, and do I call you guys when she's ready to leave?
>
>Wolf:  yes, and here take this
>
>He hands Dale a small black tube with a button under a safety cover on
>it.


Mike:  So, if Dale crash-lands, they'll be able to find out what
happened?
Tom:   No, that's a little black *box*...
Crow:  You know, like one of those black boxes that might be found in
the flaming wreckage of spelling, typing, and grammar errors THAT IS THIS FANFIC!!!
Tom:   (whimpering) Cr-crow?
Mike:  (comforting Crow) Easy, big fella...


>Dale takes it and after looking at it for a second shrugs and puts it
>in his pocket.
>
>Chip:  What's that?


Mike:  Why, it's a cloth attachment intended for holding... oh, he was
referring to the little black *tube*...
Tom:   (as Obi-wan Kenobi) Tis a lightsaber... the weapon of the Jedi!


>Wolf:  It's an emergancey transmitter, if anything goes wrong in any
>way,


Mike:  (as Wolf) ... chop it up, roll it into a zigzag, and smoke it to
kill the pain.


>push that button


Crow:  Fwish!
All:   (hum MST3k love theme)


>and I will be able to track your location anywhere withen a fifty mile
>radius.
>
>Chip:  expecting trouble?
>
>Wolf:  not really but better safe then sorry.


Tom:   (as Wolf) ... meaning it's better that I'm safe. Sorry!


>Chip,you guys stay here for a few minutes to make sure


Mike:  (as Wolf) ... that you draw their fire away from me...
Crow:  Dark, Mike. Real dark.


>Foxglove is ok and then you make the call.


Tom:   Fair or foul?
Crow:  1-800-U-BITE-ME?
Mike:  Save up to 40% on your long distance? (picks up Tom)
(Mike and the Bots exit the theater)


[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]


   "Crow T. Robot here, for News 12. I'm reporting *live* from sold out Satellite of Love.
With me on the hexfield is our furry correspondent, Jonathan Brisby the Third. John?"
   *"Thank you, Mr. Robot. Information of a *new* Ranger has shook the animal world
down here. As you know, this 'Wolf' has basically turned the formally strict requirements
for Rangerhood on their end. Furthermore, the incredible stretches of plot believability are
simply a little too much to swallow. Why, with this 'Wolf' guy around, the very world of
fanfiction is being threatened!"*
   "Point taken, Mr. Brisby. However, the very same thing was said about the Ranger's of
NIMH. You yourself was met with scorn."
   *"True, but that was the work of a growing author. It's like comparing the later works
of Da Vinci with the doodlings he made as a child. Besides, there is more than meets the
eye here."*
   "Well met, my friend. Let's take a moment to examine the individual points that made
this story so 'icky', shall we?"
   *"Very good. Point one is 'unrealistic props'. To be blunt, there
simply cannot be such a gigantic leap from the technology of the animated animals of
fanfiction, or AAF, and the science fiction technology of the sort portrayed by Wolf's
underground base, and more notably, those miniature jets. Now, as a member of NIMH,
you may recall that at first we did not have such fancy toys of the same caliber of Mr.
Wolf's..."*
   "Good, good. Point #2, I'm going to say, is the general lack of
personality from the story's protagonist."
   *"Another good argument! Point #3 might be seen as the 'Thinker'
syndrome."*
   "Interesting! Please go on..."
   *"Consider the 'give her the parts' blunder at the beginning. This nearly is of the same
caliber as 'out pooped sailor mercury' of Thinker-speak fame."
   "Scary thought, a Thinker that might have been. Uh, oh! My camera man is telling
me we have movie sign in a moment..."

[Winged Microbus of Doom]

   Bobo gave a grunt of frustration and threw the mini black-and-white TV into the back
of the bus. "Damn, they pre-emptied my favorite program for that lame-ass 'movie sign'
thing again. I'm gonna write a stern letter to the broadcaster and tell 'em to cut that out!"
   Pearl and the Observer exchanged an awkward glance, as they often were wont to do
where Bobo was concerned. After giving the simian a heart-felt backhand, Pearl turned
to the Observer. "Well, bwhana, sent up the rest of the fanfic..."
   "As you wish, ma'am..."

[SoL Bridge]

   "Well, that's all for this edition of Satellite News 12-- any last minute remarks,
Mr. Brisby?"
   "Just one: YOU HAVE MOVIE SIGN!!!"


[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]


(Mike and the bots enter the theater)

>Chip:  ok, we'll go to the police station and see if anything turns up
>there.


Mike:  (as Chip) ... such as the plot.
(Mike and the bots take their usual seats)


>Wolf: make sure you pick up the radio that I gave you guys so you can
>contact me if anything turns up,


Mike:  (as Wolf) ... such as my personality.
Bots:  (snicker)


>I'm going to take my plane and search for more of those drones if I
>find any I'll call you up.
>
>Chip:  ok I guess we'll see you later


Tom:   (as Chip) ... with *my* luck...


>Chip and Dale go back into Foxglove's room


Mike:  (laugh) What? *Again*?
Crow:  Those are *very* wily rodents, gentlemen!


>and a few minutes later hear the sound of a jet taking off and a few
>seconds after that a sonic boom shook the building.


Mike:  Doc?
All:   (start humming theme of 'Back to the Future')
Tom:   Marty!


>After about fifteen minutes, all the rangers but Dale leave and go to
>the Police station.Dale stays by Foxgloves side


Crow:  Inside or outside?
>>WHAM!<< (as Mike backhands Crow)
Crow:  (drunkenly) I withdraw... my previous... riff...
Mike:  Sorry, Crow, you went too far, too fast...


>in her room.After about fifteen minutes Foxglove awakes again and is
>delighted to see that she is alone with Dale who is partly asleep
>sitting on a stool and resting his head on the bed.


Tom:   ... string of drool trailing from mouth, eye snot congealing
around his eyes...
Mike:  Bleck, I see what she sees in him, now...
Tom:   And what's that?
Mike:  Dale's the kind that would attract a *lot* of tasty insects...


>She playfully ruffles his hair causing him to startle a bit and
>sit up.


Mike:  (as Dale) Not tonight Chip, honey. I got a headache... oh, *hi*
Foxglove!


>Foxglove:  hi sweetie.
>
>Dale: uh, hi Foxy, how do you feel?


Crow:  (singing) Hooooooow does it feel? To be on your own...


>Foxglove:  better now that your here.


Tom:   (as Foxglove) ... and Wolf isn't!


>Dale blushes at this comment.


Crow:  Look! His nose is turning a brighter shade of red!
Tom:   Dale Munk *is* Rudolph the Red!


>Dale:  say, shouldn't you be sleeping?


Mike:  Yeah, how can she stay awake? (yawns)


>Foxglove: yes but I really don't feel like it, I'm not very tired.


Tom:   (as Foxglove) Scary, isn't it?


>Dale:  from what Wolf and Gadget said


Mike:  ... which really didn't help them understand things at *all*...
Crow:  Wolf is a sort of a black hole, in that he sucks in any and all
logic around and about him.


>and the way you looked when you got to Headquarters, you seemed
>to have gotten zapped pretty bad.
>
>Foxglove (slowly): yeah,  I really was afraid I was going to die and
>wouldn't see you or the other rangers again.


Crow:  (as Foxglove) ... but then I met Wolf, and death seems so
*welcoming* now!


>At these words a strange feeling came over him as he remembered back
>to when she landed and fell into his arms.


Mike:  (as Dale) Garwsh! I touched a lady type of woman!


>Dale( very softly almost to himself):  Me to


Tom:   You to what? That wasn't a sentence!
Mike:  He meant to say, 'too'...


>Even though he said it very quietly, Foxglove'a accute hearing picked
>it up clearly.


All:   (as sonar bleeps) Blee-bloo... blee-bloo... blee-bloo...


>Foxglove:  Really?
>
>Dale:  yeah, I don't know but I was very scared when I saw you hurt.
>I was afraid that I was going to lose you.


Crow:  (as Dale) ... and I would keep Wolf. What a depressing thing
*that* would be...


>Dale went silent. For the first time sinse he had met her Dale saw his
>true feelings toward Foxglove.


Mike:  (as Dale) I... I... I really can't stand her at *all*...


>These feelings were strange at first but after a few moments they made
>him very happy. As these wonderful emotions well up inside him he
>looks into Foxglove's eyes.


Tom:   (as Carlos Lombardi) ... and now, SLEEP!!
Mike:  (singing) She's got them Bette Davis eyes...


>Dale:  I...I love you Foxglove.


All:   (singing) I just called, to say, I looove yooou!


>Foxglove is stunned by these words. She had always loved Dale but had
>thought that he didn't love her as much as she loved him.


Tom:   Basically, he loves her, and she loves him, and they love that
we love that they are in love...
Crow:  ... but sadly, Foxglove is already carrying Chip's 'spite'
child.


>Now that she knew that this wasn't true she was estatic.


Mike:  (British accent) ... and, there was great rejoicing!
Bots:  (blandly) Yay.


>Foxglove:  oh Dale, I love you to!


Tom:   (singing) ... pieces!


>With this the pair join together in an embrace and lock in a very
>passionate kiss.


Crow:  (makes loud smacking noises)
Mike:  Jeeze, get a room, you two! Oh... wait, they already do! Carry
on!
Tom:   Guys, are bat/chipmunk marriages sanctioned by the Catholic
Church?
Mike:  I doubt the matter has ever come up in committee...


>At the station


Mike:  ... in the white room with the black curtains...


>about an hour after they left the hospital, the rangers hear Spenelli
>talking to Cirby and Muldoon about a breakin at the zoo


Tom:   (as Muldoon) Yeah, we already sent out Patrolman Bonkers and
that fat guy out to investigate...


>and the only thing taken was all the bats in the exhibit and how the
>janitor said it was done by some flying robots.Chip decided to call up
>Wolf and tell him about the new infomation.


Crow:  (as Chip, into radio) Hey Wolf, you *suck!*


>Chip(talking into radio):  Chip to Wolf we've got some infomation on
>the bat case.


Tom:   (as Chip) They say we should head to Yankee Stadium for clues!


>Wolf(over radio):  this is not the time
>
>Chip:  what, are you ok?


All:   (laugh)
Mike:  I should think *not*...
Crow:  Chip is less observant than we thought...


>Wolf:  oh, other then the fact that I'm being chased by three of those
>drones, (explosion),


All:  Yay!


>WHOA that was close,


All:  Boo!


>I'm just fine.
>
>Chip:  I thought those things only attacked bats
>
>Wolf:  I guess that last one sent out an ID on my plane that it was a
>threat.I can't can't fight all of them, I don't have enough weapons,


Mike:  (as Wolf) ... plus between the fact my tailfins just got blown
off, my jet's almost out of fuel, and my left leg's broke, I'd almost be worried about losing. Almost.


>I'm going supersonic and try to lose them in the sewers.
>
>Chip:  the SEWERS!!!!are you crazy!!!


Crow:  Hello! It's taken you this long to pick up on that?


>Gadget:  You'll never be able to manuver down there at those speeds.


Mike:  We *know!*
Crow:  Do it, Wolf! Go for Mach 5!
Tom:   ... right into an open gas main!
All:   DO IT!!


>Wolf:  better chance than fighting these guys off.
>
>Chip:  where are you we'll come help out


Crow:  ... those robots *finish* the damn job this time!!
Mike:  Zing!
Tom:   Zowie!


>Wolf:  don't try to help me fight them off but I am going to come out
>of the sewers through the manhole near HQ, stay back from it.Ok an
>opening I'm going in.


Mike:  ... and he flies straight into the men that are working down
there, kaboom, the end.


>Suddenly static fills the speaker.


Tom:   (as an announcer) We interrupt our program for a special
announcement. The unidentified tiny jet has apparently flown straight
into the city sewer system. All residents are advised to use the john
at their own risk. Thank you.


>Chip:  Wolf,............ Wolf come in!
>
>Gadget:  his signal can't get out from underground we'll have to go to
>his exit point and wait.


Mike:  ... or, at least that's what the script suggests what they do.
Crow:  *Five* days later...


>Monty:  ok then lets go mates.


Tom:   How many mates can one guy have?!
Crow:  Monterey Jack, polygamist...


>They all pile into the ranger wing and head over to the manhole to
>assist Wolf.


Mike: ... or, failing that, help to blotter up his grisly remains.
Tom:  He died as he lived, totally greasy.
Crow:  Correction, they are going to chuck cherry bombs down the
manhole and SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!


>When they get there explosions and gunfire can be heard and felt
>through the ground.


Mike:  (sighs)
Tom:   (suddenly sings) It... starts... with an earthquake, buildings
shake,
Mike and Crow: (laugh)
Tom:   (singing) ... and airplanes, and Lenny Bruce is not afraid!


>They land about five feet away from the cover and go over
>to the cover staying back a few feet.


Tom:   (singing) Eye of a hurricane... yadayadayada-ane... uh...
Crow:  Skip that part! (singing) It's the end of the world as we know
it,


>After a few minutes the noise becomes more intense and louder as Wolf
>draws nearer.


Bots:  (singing) It's the end of the world as we know it,
Mike:  (singing in the background) I guess that I'm not alone...


>Soon they can barely hear each other over the explosions.


Bots:  (singing) It's the end of the world as we know it,
Mike:  (singing) I guess that I'm *not* alone...


>Monty:  looks like those tin cans are putting up a hard chase.


All:   (singing in harmony) ... and I, feel, fiiiiine!!


>Gadget:  remember what he said, stay back.


Tom:   (as Chip) Are you suggesting that we should SSSTTTAAAAAAYYY!?!?!


>Suddenly the manhole cover blows off its frame and goes flying into
>the dirt while a F-15 shoots out verticly and drops two bombs into the
>hole as it leaves.


Mike: (dramatic) Top *Dork*...


>A huge fireball shoots out of the sewers and causes a large
>shockwave that knockes the rangers off their feet.


Crow:  ... and fries them all to a black crisp. The end!


>Wolf( over radio):  did you order orginal recipie or extra crispy?
>
>Chip:  are you ok?


All:   (laughs)
Mike:  Again, I should think *not*...


>Wolf:  my plane took some damage but is repairable.


Tom:   Naturally.
Crow:  Oh, of course.


>I'm going to land, meet me inside the runway,I'll open it for you.


Crow:  (as Wolf) Oh, I lost the garage-door opener, so I'm gonna open
it with a couple of missiles, 'kay?


>All the rangers scamper down the runway and into the hanger where they
>see Wolf climbing down the ladder to his plane.
>
>Wolf:  those guys were good, it was like they had a map of the
>tunnels.
>
>Chip: how could they see down there in the dark?


Tom:   Gee, the flame emitting from Wolf's engines might have helped?


>Wolf:  I don't know, I switched to my infered vision but that wasn't
>enough I had to use my flight computer as well......I didn't hit
>anyone with the blast when I came out did I?


Crow:  Naw, just a family of bunny rabbits out on a picnic got toasted,
no big loss...


>Gadget:  no but it did knock us down.


Mike:  (as Gadget) ... but we got up again!
Tom:   (singing) Never gonna keep me down!


>Monty:  that was mighty impressive mate.


Crow:  (as Darth Vader) Most impressive...


>Wolf only nodded as he pushed a button on a consul and the crane
>returned the plane to it's lot where robots began repairs.
>
>Wolf:  what was that intel you were talking about?


Tom:   Brought to you by Intel Inside...


>Chip:  some of those robots kidnapped all the bats in the zoo.
>
>Wolf:  well it looks like foxglove isn't alone.


Mike:  No, bats are actually numerous enough to be considered a
totally separate species, Wolf...
Crow:  (snickers)


>Suddenly a beeping sound is heard.


Crow:  Hey, the Nachos are done! Yay!


>All the rangers look around trying to find the source.
>
>Gadget:  whats that?


Tom:   Oh, what's a 'source'? It's the point of origin of an entity...
Mike:  Hokay, Tom, you know very *well* what she meant!


>Wolf:  thats Dale's emergancy transmitter!


Mike:  Now, let us not be hasty! It could be Monterey Jack's
pacemaker...
Crow:  No, that's a page for Gadget's little 'escort service' she runs
on the side...
Tom:   Oh, my God! Say it ain't so, Gadget!


>Monty:  Dale's in trouble! come on mates!!


Crow:  To the bat's room! Dah-da-da-da-da-da-DAH!!
Mike:  Holy Shnikies, Batman!


>All of them but Wolf start running outside to the ranger wing.
>
>Wolf (calling after them): I'll catch up!!!


Tom:   (as Wolf) ... or is it *down*? Shoot, I can't remember!


>He hits another button and the crane lifts out another jet and sets it
>down, this time it is a F-16.
>
>Wolf to himself:  don't you just love technolagy.


Mike:  (laughs) Boy, I *sure* do! Especially with the advancement of
'spell-checkers'...
Crow:  (as Wolf) What do *you* think, Himself?
Tom:   We'll be right back...


>He jumps in and takes off following the ranger wing.


Tom:  Remind me, Crow, isn't the Ranger Wing made mostly of flashlight
parts?
Crow: Uh, huh...
Tom:  ... and Wolf has a state of the art, albeit tiny, attack jet?
Crow: Yepper...
Tom:  Ah. Just wanted to make sure...


>Shortly they both land outside the hospital and take the animal's
>enterance to find SAPS people all around.


All:  (laugh)
Mike: Quick! Send in the SAPS!
Crow: *They'll* know what to do!


>They all run to Foxglove's room and see that the back wall has been
>torn off and both Foxglove and Dale gone. Smith then walks in.


Mike: ... much against his wishes.


>Chip:  what happened?


Crow: (as Smith) Our office Summer Celebration Party got out of hand!
Tom:  (as Smith) Ah, one of our patients got one o' them 'high-octane'
enemas again. Nothing to see here!
Mike: (as Smith) Hell if I know, Grandma Moses. I'm totally stoned.


>Smith:  we heard a large crash and some yells and when we got in here


Mike:  Lame story...
Crow:  Totally...


>they were gone.


Tom:   (sarcastic) Well, thank you, Dr. Zhavago...


>Chip:  good thing you gave Dale that transmitter.


Crow:  (as Chip) In fact, it's almost if you *planned* it to happen...
All:   (hum the 'Dragnet' theme)


Wolf: follow me.


All:   (laugh)
Tom:   Oh, *there's* something that no sane person would do...
Mike:  Sure, follow the guy that's being tracked down by robotic
assassins...
Crow:  Yeah, just don't come near *us*, okay?


>They all go outside to his plane and Wolf tells him to climb up to see
>something.


Crow:  Please, oh please don't let that 'something' be his *parts*...
Tom:   That's pretty sad, if Wolf has to tell *himself* what to do...
Mike:  (as Wolf) Should I climb up there? I'd better ask myself, duuuh.


>Wolf is in the seat while Chip is on the rope rescue ladder.


Tom:   So... it's a Rescue Ranger Rescue Ladder. Thank you!


>Wolf punches in some numbers on a keypad and on one of the displays a
>map of the city come up with a set of cross hairs on it.


Mike:  Where does a eight-inch tall rat find sophisticated electronic
equipment?
Crow:  The same place where he finds a tiny fleet of super-sonic
jets...
(all of them look at each other for a moment)
All:   Office Max!


>Wolf(pointing at crosshairs):  do you know where this is?


Crow: (as Chip) Has-been Hell, sir...
Mike: (as Chip) An unbelievable plot device, sir...
Tom:  (as Chip) Yes, Wolf. That is a monitor installed in your plane,
Which is inside your base, that we somehow managed to install with a
full array of sophisticated miniature aircraft and robotic equipment
just yesterday without alerting the outside world in the process. Got
any *other* questions, Wolf? I SURE DO!!! I WANT THE TRUTH!!
Mike: (as Wolf) YOU WANT THE TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T *HANDLE* THE TRUTH!!!


>Chip:  that's Professor Nimnuls lab! I should have known he was behind
>this.
>
>Wolf:  thats where they are so lets get going.


Mike:  (as Wolf) We should cross over the Canadian border by nightfall!


>Chip hops down and the rangers get into their planes and takeoff
>headed to Nimnuls Lab.It takes about half an hour to get there because
>strong winds made it hard for the ranger wing to fly very fast.


Tom:   ... Wolf, meanwhile, had already made it to Hong Kong and back!
Mike:  One of the perks of jet power.


>When they get near it they land and head up to it on foot.


Crow:  Wait! Did they remember to CHECK THEIR *ANTI-FREEZE*?!
Tom:   (chuckles)


>After they find a small hole and find their way in they are shocked
>at what they see.


Mike:  Nimnul in drag?
Bots:  MIKE!!!
Mike:  Whoa, that wasn't a very pleasant mental image! Sorry!


>Lined up are about twenty of the drones while hundreds of bats are
>caged around the lab.Nimnul is working on one of the devices.
>
>Nimnul: I am such a genus,


Tom:   (snickers)
Crow:  (as Nimnul) ... despite the fact I cannot spell too good...


>who else would have thought of using bats as weapons!


Mike:  Yeah, both you and Al Capone...
Tom:   ... and in just about every inner-city on both coasts...
Crow:  And who can forget the McGuire/Sousa affair?


>By putting a bat into my drones it completely fuses with the bats
>echolocation system allowing precision attacks,and now that I have
>enough bats I can move on to my biggest invention of all!!


Mike:  (deep voice) ... Television! Oh, wait...
Tom:   If this invention turns out to be 'MegaWeapon', I say we torch
the theater...
Crow:  Agreed!


>It allows me to see from here everything and hear everything in the
>city!!! Batman never had it this good, soon I will rule the world!!!!!


Crow:  He's gotta be looney. Who does he think he's talking to?
Mike:  Oh yeah, he's *years* gone by now...


>Chip:  we need to set all the bats free, find Dale and Foxglove and
>then destroy that machine.
>
>Wolf:  the machines mine boss.


Mike:  (as Wolf) I identify with its personality!


>Wolf then slips into the shadows and disappers.
>
>Gadget:  I hate it when he does that.


Tom:   Oh, like *we* don't...


>Chip: ok, zipper, zipper go find Dale and Foxglove while the rest of
>us figure out how to open all the cages.


Crow:  Try filing the bars off with Wolf's pointy-head!


>Zipper salutes and flys off while the other rangers figure out how to
>set the bats free.


Tom:   Zipper decided this was a good time to ask for a pay raise...


>Nimnul than types something on a computer that opens a cage and sends
>a giant hand into it pulling out a bat and bringing it to him.


Mike:  The Acme Corporation attempts a WORLD TAKEOVER!!!


>Chip:  Gadget, if we got you to that computer could you open the
>cages?
>
>Gadget:  more than likely.


Crow:  Wow, the smug's just *oozing* out of her...


>Chip:  ok, Monty and I will distract Nimnul while you open the cages.
>
>Gadget:  ok Chip


Mike:  Look! Chip's Ahoy!
Tom:   Can it, Nelson...


>Then Zipper flys back to them and tells them that he found Dale and
>Foxglove.


Tom:   Elapsed time: 30 seconds.
Mike:  Percepted time, three hours...
Crow:  (sighs) ... and still we journey on.


>Chip:  good work zipper, now go back and tell them that we're going to
>set all of them free in a minute.
>
>Zipper nods and flys back over to Dale and Foxglove's cage.Chip and
>Monty run over to Nimnul and run up into his pant leg.


Crow:  My God, a suicide run!
Mike:  Oh, the smell! (shudders) Sweet Bwhana, THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY
WITHSTAND IT!!!


>A few second later he is laughing and rolling around on the ground.


Mike:  The poor fools haven't a chance!
Crow:  If they don't get crushed, they'll suffocate!
Tom:   Guys, I think Nimnul is enjoying this a little *too* much...


>Nimnul:  HA HA HEE HA HEE Stop that tickles!! HAHA HEE HEE HAA


Tom:   Eww, he's gettin' off on it! Yuck!


>While the boys are distracting Nimnul Gadget scampers up the computer
>and starts typing.


Crow:  *Hell* of a time to check to see if she's got new e-mail...


>As she is doing this Nimnul shakes Monty and Chip out of his clothes
>and sees Gadget.
>
>Nimnul:  Hey get away from there!!


Mike:  Oh, as if *that* will stop her...
Tom:   (as Gadget, monotone) Oh, I give up. You clearly have me at your
mercy...


>He grabs Gadget and is shaking her around in his hand.


Tom:   (as Gadget) Okay, I admit you now have me a little spooked!
Crow:  So, Professor Nimnul is running for high office, now?
Mike:  (as Nimnul) If elected, I promise a mouse in every hand!


>Nimnul:  You rodents are always messing around in my plans for world
>domination,well I'll get rid of one at least.


Mike:  (as Gadget) KILL WOLF INSTEAD!!! *sob*


>Chip:  Gadget!!


Tom:   Chief?
Mike:  McCloud!
Crow:  (as Dr. Claw) Next time, Gadget... *next* time!!


>Then Wolf calmly walks out on top of the computer and faces Nimnul.


Crow:  (as Wolf) Hey, Chuckles! Wanna grope something other than your
mouse?
Mike and Tom: CROW!!!
Crow:  What?! Oh... heh. I didn't even know that was a dirty joke...


>Nimnul:  I really need to hire an exterminator.


Mike:  Better call the Orkin Man (tm)


>He grabs Wolf as well and heads over to  one of the drones.
>
>Before he can get there he yells out in pain and throws Wolf and
>Gadget into the air.


All:   SURGE!!


>Wolf had poped his claws while Nimnul was holding him and cut his hand
>badly.


Crow:  Natch, if I popped out claws, I'd cut *my* hand too...
Tom:   I think Perlongo meant *Nimnul* got his hand cut...
Mike:  Details, Tom, strictly details.


>Wolf and Gadget were about ten feet up when they started to fall and
>Wolf grabbed Gadget by the waist from behind


Crow:  What?! Hello!
Tom:   Aww, Wolf just caught on to the fact that Gadget's a *girl*, how
sweet!
Mike:  Seems a bit improper, he didn't ask for her consent...


>and flipped them over so that when they landed wolf was on the bottem
>absorbing an otherwise fatal impact.


Mike:  Oh, good! He must of landed on his head!
Crow:  At least Wolf isn't the macho type who *always* have to be on
top...


>Wolf:  Gadget are you ok??
>
>Gadget:  I'm fine, are you ok?


Tom:   Shall we re-instate the fact that Wolf is not even *close* to
being okay?
Mike:  No, seeing as how the fanfic is almost over, we'll just let it
slide...


>Wolf:  Having an unbreakable skeleton does have it's advantages but
>it's still painful.I'll be fine.


Mike:  Brought to you by America's Dairy Farmers...
Bots:  Got *Milk*?


>Gadget then runs up the counsul and opens all the cages then jumps
>downto the rest of the Rangers.A second later Dale and Foxglove joined
>them.


Tom:   (as Dale) Guys, guys! I finally got to do the rubbing thing!!


>As they were making their escape Nimnul came back in and saw all the
>bats flying out and then spotted the rangers.
>
>Nimnul:  you rodents have ruined everything, everything!!


Mike:  ... yet again.
Crow:  Well, at least they didn't surprise him, and *fail* to stop
Nimnul!
Tom:   Yes, success would definitely throw the old boy off...


>I'll get you!!!


Mike:  Pearl Forrester?


>Wolf:  lets go, get out of here!!
>
>As they are running, he pulls out his detonator from his coat pocket
>and detonates the explosives he had set in the spy device.


Tom:   Sweet mother... Where in the *hell* did he...?
Mike:  Office Max! They can get you *anything*.
Tom:   Scary...


>They go off throwing Nimnul out of the lab right before it completely
>explodes.


All:   (imitate a muted trumpet) Wah, wah, waaah...


>He trys to run away but the police patrol pick  him up.


Crow:  ... but they have little fun taking pot shots at him, as per the
routine...
Tom:   (as Nimnul) Hey, fellas! (BLAM!) Don't you think (BLAM!) that
this is getting (BLAM, KA-PING!) a little old!?!


>The rangers all get into their planes and fly back to RRHQ.After they
>arrive about an hour later,


Mike:  (laughs) Wha...?
Crow:  So... Wolf's jet can achieve a three mile high altitude in
seconds, but it takes an hour to fly about six blocks?
Tom:   Well, maybe it just goes up and down real fast, but not forward!


>Monty cooks up a big dinner and when they are done eating they all sit
>around in the living room to talk about today.


Tom:   (as Dale) Today, I am a man!
Crow:  (as Foxglove) You said it, Sugah!
Mike:  Oh, *stop*...


>Chip notices something strange, Dale and Foxglove are sitting in the
>same seat and Dale has his arm around her.


Mike:  That *is* strange... I thought you said Chip 'n' Dale were
gay...
Crow:  No, that was in '9 1/2 Chipmunks'... Hmmmm...
Tom:   Hey! All of a sudden, Perlongo doesn't seem all that bad!


>He shows this to Monty with a movement of his eyes. Monty sees and
>gives him a sly look.
>
>Monty:  well well, do we have a couple in the house.


Crow:  (as Monty) Ain't that right, Zipper? Heh...
Mike:  Crow... aww, forget it. The fic's almost over, so what the hell?


>Everyone looks at him funny but then notices Dale and Foxglove.
>
>Dale:  yeah, while Foxglove and I were in the hospital, we talked it
>over and I found out that I love her as much as she loves me.


Tom:   (as Dale) And we really detest the author, we even have *that*
in common!


>Foxglove:  yeah so now we can be together and be a real couple right
>sweetie?


Mike:  (as Dale) Why, we can couple any time you see fit, toots!


>Dale: Right (he gives her a kiss on the cheek)
>
>Chip, seeing this is estactic


Crow:  (as Chip) Sonavabitch! The fanfic is almost over! Yay!


>and instantly starts trying to get Gadget to notice him.
>
>Wolf:  well I for one think that we should make Foxglove a full
>ranger, her echolocation skills could come in real handy.


All:  Shut *up*, Wolf...


>Monty (slyly):  well I'm sure Dale won't mind.
>
>Chip:  do you want to be a ranger Foxglove?
>
>Foxglove:  of couse I would


Tom:   Hell, why not? Pay's lousy but the lovin' is *phenomenal*
Crow:  (catcalls) Whoo, Mama!


>Chip:  All in favor?
>
>All: I


Mike:  ... am Iron Man.


>Chip:  all opposed?
>
>No responce.


All:   (singing) No reply at all, no reply at aaaaaaaallll...


>Chip:  well Foxy, looks like your a ranger now.


Tom:   ... heck, they just let *anyone* waltz in and join!


>Foxglove:  Oh, thank you guys
>
>Monty:  Crikey!! Two new rangers in two weeks?,thats great!! But we
>may need to get bigger tree.


Crow:  Try getting one in a city with better authors!


>Gadget walks over to Foxglove and Dale.
>
>Gadget:  I'm so happy for you two.
>
>Dale:  thanks Gadget


Mike:  (as Gadget) No, I *mean* it. Look at the dregs that you left me!


>Foxglove gets up and hugs Gadget


Tom:   (as Foxglove) Say... this feels... pretty good!
Mike:  From the makers of '9 1/2 Chipmunks'... 'Bat and Mouse'.


>Foxglove:  thanks Gadget, I'm so happy.


Crow:  And no one will be seated during the lesbian love scene...
Mike:  Rated 'RR' for 'Ranger Raunchiness'


>After a few minutes of chatting, Foxglove and Dale go outside to watch
>the sunset together and everyone else goes about their normal tasks
>for that time of the day.


Mike:  ... getting smashed and/or stoned.


>Wolf thinking:  So much can happen so fast..........


Tom:   Not in *this* story!


>espically for the good.


Crow:  (Hispanic accent) I no espica the ingles, senior...
Mike:  You know, Captain, every year I think that the wise and the
strong work to protect the good, and the beautiful...
Tom:   Shut *up*, Mike...


>                        THE END


Mike:  Behold, Wolf. The low budget X-Rat. (picks up Tom)
Tom:   Remember, rats don't blow up things! Rats in tiny attack jets
do!
Crow:  Sure!


[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]


   "Ah, another fanfic under the old belt. Purple hearts all around,
men!" Mike opened a bottle of vintage 1993 Sprite he had saved
for the occasion. "Let the good vibes flow freely, and may all your
MSTings be this hentai-free! Scold, friend Crow!"
   "Yeah! " Crow and Mike tossed back the drinks with flair, just as
Tom Servo floated in.
   "Hey, fellas!" he said, "Ready to hear my new song based on today's
movie?"
   Crow spit his drink out. "WHAT?! You mean you actually took the song
I did last episode as a serious trendsetter? For shame!"
   "Aww, c'mon! Mike, please make Crow shut up and listen to my song!"
Tom whined, "He got to do HIS song! I wanna sing MY song!"
   "Okay, okay, as long as it doesn't get out of hand... and *NO* extra
Servos in the chorus this time, promise?"
   "Yay! Magic Voice, cue up 'From the Halls of Montezuma' and a
one-a, and a two-a, and:

[Servo's Perlongo Fight Song]

From the depths of some loser nation,
To the halls of the Ranger's Tree...
There within lives a rat, by the name of WOLF!
Who's as dumb as you could be...

He's got claws, within his paws!
Not unlike X-man, Wolverine...
The Self-Insertion's very, VERY HIGH!
To the point where it's obscene.

Somewhere he got a fleet of F-15's!
Somehow these he learned to fly.
He loves to blow up stuff, AND THINGS!
Without stopping to think why...

Oh, Wolf's a knob...

[Mike interrupts Servo's song]

   "... and this goes on? And when did you have time to write this, we were
watching the movie!" Mike asked hesitantly.
   "For sixty-eight stanzas, give or take. I was inspired to compose around
Door #3, and I had to rush by Door #5... I had it down pat by Door #6,
mind you!" Tom answered cheerfully.
   "Man, we need to get you a girlfriend, Servo. Pearl-vision's calling..."
Mike tapped the 'respond' button.
   Tom pondered. "Well, I suppose Gypsy's free tonight..."
   "NOT ANYMORE, SERVO!!"
   "D'oh!"

[Winged Microbus of Doom]

   Pearl looked up from the old blanket party she and the Observer were giving Bobo.
She took a gratuitous swing at the simian who was trapped under the blanket, and said
to the hexscreen, "And so our story ends... until next time, Inspector Nelson, *next*
time... Bwha-ha-ha-ha-ha-heh-ha-ha-haaa..."


[Fade out, roll credits]


The Placid Jack Acid writes... well, types:

Ah, hello again! With another exciting (?) fanfic re-released into the
public void, the time has come to move on to a big challenge, namely,
MSTing LEMONS! Be sure to not to miss it! (Because I *will* find you...)

Also, a special note to anyone who is a 'fan' of Darren Perlongo's character, or has recently
become one. The preceding fanfic is the second story of Wolf's adventures with the Rangers
who Rescue. The first tells of Wolf's joining with the Rangers (stop it, hentai) during a gun
smuggling case. The third, entitled 'An Old Friend', tells of Wolf's past, and the shocking
truth behind the Cola Cult. Possibly maybe a glimmer of talent that Perlongo possesses
shows up in his knack for tying several past Ranger episodes together in an entertaining
fashion.

Not long after I MSTed this fic three long years ago, Darren Perlongo died in a car accident.
Thusly, this MSTing is dedicated to his memory. Perhaps the only way I can atone for MSTing
a deceased author is that between my riffs, you still read one of his works. Thank you, Darren.


Special Thanks to:

Lynxara, Lefty, Nightbreak, and Arsenal 13 for the C&C they gave this fic. Three years later,
and it still makes me laugh. I hope you guys are still out there, somewhere, still riffing away.

Megane 6.7, for getting me on this MSTing kick, and teaching me all I needed to know
about MSTing.  His webpage: http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Zoogz, my webmaster and all-around swell guy, who also has his MSTings at the above
address. But if you found THIS MSTing already, you've already found his and Megane's,
right? ^_-

Lisu and her crew, who are a source of some of my inspiration. Shine
on, Loony one.

The good folk at #EcchiFanGirls, found at www.sorcery.net, who are the
source of the REST of my inspiration. Even if they *are* perverts!

Haloflux, who is the best kitty-girl-shade-thief-mage-vampire I know!

Website #9's guidelines to Usenet MSTings. It came in handy...

Best Brains, for screwing up my childhood (but in a good way) from age
eleven up to today, at twenty one. May the way of the Hero lead to the
Triforce.


After all, Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters
and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved, I wouldn't have it any other way!
Use here is for entertainment purposes only and no violation of
copyright is intended or should be inferred, so help me God.

Keep Circulating the Posts...



>Monty goes into Gadget's workshop to give her the parts


Mike:  What the hell?!
Tom:   The touching love scene in 'Hang on, Batty'...
Crow:  Parts: the Rescue Ranger Horror!


Jack Acid Area
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