In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere up overhead:
Mike Nelson beats all the odds,
Because he isn't dead...
Pursued by a woman, whose name is Pearl
A twisted, sadistic, kind of girl,
She's mad Mike's mind isn't whacked
So she decided to try a different tact!

Pearl: I'LL... GET... *YOU*!!!

"I'll send him lousy web posts,
The worst he's ever seen!
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And keep his comments clean!"

Now keep in mind, Mike has to read,
Whatever Pearl sends;
He'll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his robot friends!

>>Robot Roll Call <<

Cambot! (Action!)
Gypsy! (Hi-ho!)
Tom Servo (Sporty!)
Crooow! (The hell?)

If you're wondering why Mike *has* to read,
And other useless facts,
Just repeat to yourself 'it's just a post,
I should really just relax!'

Mike: Did I mention that Washu's here?
Washu: (flashes peace sign)

For... Mystery Science Theater Three Thousand! (and one)
 

"Damaged", aka "Omiangst" is Weiss Kreuz fanfiction by Sumire, and is MSTed
with her permission.
Any random mention of characters, songs, movies, and the like belong to
their respective owners. All rights reserved.
This is a work of fandom, and is for entertainment purposes only. Whether in
fact you WILL be entertained is another mattering altogether.
 

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]

 "So! Trapped up on a satellite! Watching bad movies every day! Oh, hooray
for me!"
 "Get over it already, woman!"
 Washu Hakubi glared at the little red robot that sat across the table from
her. Each had a generous helping of ramen in front of them. "I could be a
WHOLE lot more bitter than THIS, wanna try me?"
 Tom grunted. "Sheesh, by all means."
 "Okay! First, I discover that I'm cut off from my mainframes so I only have
a fraction of the powers I used to have. I can't even FLOAT any more! Next,
I discover that the one who's mercy I'm at happens to be the deranged mother
of a guy I once jilted, backed with the power of an omniscient being who it
just so happens I used to tutor. Oh, and to top it off, my prison is a
satellite that I myself had a hand in designing!!"
 "Wait, you helped to DESIGN the SoL?" Tom queried.
 "Yes, most of the upper decks, in fact!"
 "I see..." Tom quietly backed up, put his head down, and head butted his
bowl of ramen at Washu with great force.
 "GAH!" Washu barely had the time to dodge the bowl, which splatted on the
bulkhead. "WHAT WAS *THAT* FOR?!"
 "That was for giving us only one and a half baths, ya knob!" Tom yelled.
"You know what it's like to share a bathroom with Crow?" He shook with rage.
"C'mon, let's have it out, right now!"
 "Why you little!" Washu's face had a fair shade of red of its own. "You
think I'm totally helpless? HIYA!" She extended her arms, brought her hands
together, and launched a fair-sized ball of energy right at Servo.
 "SERVICE DROID DODGE!" Tom screamed as he (somehow) moved out of the way of
the blast, complete with the blurry effects. He swung about. "HyyyyyyRULE!
SPIN! FOR GREAT JUSTICE!" He began spinning around, his slinky-like arms
moving out like propeller blades, from the sheer centrifugal force.
 Washu arched an eyebrow. With a war cry she leaped high into the air, did a
somersault, and landed on Servo's head from above. Both of them tumbled to
the ground in a heap, and then there was more fireballs thrown, and kicking,
and explosions all in good 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' form.
 Mike and Crow, who were on the bridge moments after they heard the first
salvo fired, managed to tear the two combatants apart after a good ten
minutes. Once things had calmed down, Mike tried to get a little
reconciliation.
 "Guys..." he began, gently. Washu and Tom sat back to back, pouting. Washu
had her arms defiantly crossed. "... just because fate seemed to have dealt
us a bad hand, trapping us all on the same satellite, that's no reason to
fight each other! Washu, you had no way of knowing that the greasy little
freak who got caught peeping on you once would turn around and cause one of
your own creations to work against you, ten years down the road. And Servo!
You had no idea that one day you'd meet the woman who essentially made it
possible for Joel to use the same parts he used to build you, the same woman
who incidentally short changed you on bathrooms in the long run. When you
get right down to it, it *is* a twisted web we weave, eh?"
 "You... you sound a lot like someone I know, Mike." Washu turned around and
smiled. "I guess I sorta owe Tom an apology. I could have at least installed
an extra shower stall..."
 "Aw, Wash'!" Tom replied. "It is kinda funny, when you think about...
well... aw, gosh, I'm sorry, kid!"
 "Gomen, Servo-san!" The two hugged, as Mike turned away to brush a tear out
of his eye.
 "Yeah, great." Crow said, obviously unmoved. "At any rate, See No Evil,
Hear No Evil, and Speak No Evil are calling."
 Mike composed himself and tapped the flashing yellow light.

[Castle Forrester]

 Pearl half-grinned, half sneered up at the screen. "Greetings, my little
experimental mammals! And... machine... things. I trust by all the bright
lights that I've seen in your piece of the sky means that Miss Hakubi is
getting, shall we say, settled in for long haul?"
 *"Not on your life, Fat-body!"* Washu's voice crackled dryly.
 "Heartbreaker!"
 *"Bitch!"*
 "Hussy!"
 *"Cu-"*
 *"Well, hi THERE, Ma'am!"* Mike's voice interrupted. *"What can we do fer
ya today? Spam? Lemon? Shoot, I'll take another shot at that there 'Pleasure
Scouts', if you'd like!"*
 "No, no, nothing as prolific as Carlos, Nelson." Pearl said, all
businesslike again. "Just an angsty Weiss Kreuz fanfic for today. But first,
I thought to start you off with an odd kind of spam as a short. I figured
I'd go slow on the pain for a little while." She leered. "Just to break a
certain skank in, not that I suppose she needs any 'breaking in'. Hope you
enjoy the show, Hakubi! It doesn't get any better than THIS, around here!"
Pearl began to laugh evilly.

[SoL Bridge]

 Crow and Tom big-sweated as Mike attempted to hold back an enraged Washu.
He managed to keep an arm around her mouth, muffling her angry words. But he
had to break away and dive for the big doors as the sirens went off and the
bridge began shaking.
 "Ohhhhhhh, WE GOT SPAM SIIIIGN!!!"
 "Miserable WITCH!" Washu cried.
 

[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]
 

Washu: I really *loathe* that woman...
(they sit, Washu all the way on the left, then Servo, then Mike, then Crow.)
 

>Reply-To: seseko_mariam@mailgods.com
 

Tom:   The Mail Gods must be crazy! Hehehe!
 

>To: [The MSTer's Personal E-mail Address]
>Subject: ASSISTANCE NEEDED Time:3:45:15 PM Date: Thu, 20 Sep 2001 15:45:15
 

Washu: (looks at watch) We're running a little late, then.
Crow:  Gee, hope it wasn't a life-depending kind of assistance.
 

>FROM:MRS. M SESE-SEKO
 

Tom:   Fifi Gecko?
Mike:  Nene Neko, maybe? I dunno...
 

>DEAR FRIEND,
 

All:   (lunge back)
Washu: Whoa!
Mike:  Uh, ma'am, would you mind turning your microphone *down*?
 

>I AM MRS. SESE-SEKO WIDOW OF LATE PRESIDENT MOBUTU SESE-SEKO OF ZAIRE?
 

Tom:   Well, *are* you?
Crow:  You tell us!
 

>NOW KNOWN AS DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC).
 

Washu: Oh that's the place where all those nice monkeys used to live, in
King Solomon's mines!
Mike:  Huh, Bobo should feel right at home.
 

>I AM MOVED TO WRITE YOU THIS LETTER,
 

Crow:  (as Mrs. Sese-seko) Well, actually I moved to avoid my CREDITORS,
but...
 

>THIS WAS IN CONFIDENCE CONSIDERING MY PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCE AND
>SITUATION.
 

Tom:   (as Mrs. Sese-seko) ... for I am now a cage dancer over at Trader
Vic's on Thursdays.
 

>I ESCAPED ALONG WITH MY HUSBAND AND TWO OF OUR SONS EMMANUEL AND
>BASHER OUT OF DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC OF CONGO (DRC)
 

Mike:  ... to a nice efficiency apartment with a bunch of other guys.
Washu: She named one of her kids 'Basher'?
 

>TO ABIDJAN, COTE D'IVOIRE WHERE MY FAMILY AND I SETTLED,
 

Crow:  (as Mrs. Sese-seko) And boy, is it a dump. "Ivory Coast" my ass!
 

>WHILE WE LATER MOVED TO SETTLED IN MORROCO WHERE MY HUSBAND LATER DIED OF
>CANCER DISEASE.
 

Washu: As opposed to what, a cancer *hickey*?
Tom:   She'd do well for her 'street cred' if she knew how to spell
'Morocco'...
 

>HOWEVER DUE TO THIS SITUATION WE DECIDED TO CHANGED MOST OF MY
>HUSBAND'S BILLIONS OF DOLLARS DEPOSITED IN SWISS BANK AND OTHER COUNTRIES
>INTO OTHER FORMS OF MONEY
 

Mike:  (deep voice) Coupons!
Tom:   No, damn it, I keep telling people it's VANILLA PUDDING is where it's
at!
 

>CODED FOR SAFE PURPOSE BECAUSE THE NEW HEAD OF STATE OF (DR) MR
>LAURENT KABILA HAS MADE ARRANGEMENT WITH THE SWISS GOVERNMENT AND OTHER
>EUROPEAN COUNTRIES TO FREEZE ALL MY LATE HUSBAND'S TREASURES
>DEPOSITED IN SOME EUROPEAN COUNTRIES.
 

Crow:  Well, that's not very nice.
Washu: Plundering your country just isn't as fulfilling as it used to be.
Mike:  "Doctor Mister Laurent Kabila"?
 

>HENCE MY CHILDREN AND I DECIDED LAYING LOW IN AFRICA TO STUDY THE
>SITUATION TILL WHEN THINGS GETS BETTER,
 

Tom:   (as Popeye) Well, blows me down, things NEVER gets better!
Mike:  Is this anything like "where the fish lives"?
Crow:  "Touch of Satan", ladies and gentlemen.
 

>LIKE NOW THAT PRESIDENT KABILA IS DEAD AND THE SON TAKING OVER (JOSEPH
>KABILA).
 

Washu: Ah, death is such a NICE way to get a nemesis off your butt, isn't
it?
 

>ONE OF MY LATE HUSBAND'S CHATEAUX IN SOUTHERN FRANCE WAS CONFISCATED
>BY THE FRENCH GOVERNMENT, AND AS SUCH I HAD TO CHANGE MY IDENTITY SO THAT
>MY INVESTMENT WILL NOT BE TRACED AND CONFISCATED.
 

Mike:  (as Mrs. Sese-seko) Incidentally, I am now a man.
Tom:   Yeah, dumb French spoil everything, the kill-joying BASTARDS!
 

>I HAVE DEPOSITED THE SUM OF THIRTY MLLION UNITED STATE DOLLARS
>(US$30,000,000,00.)
 

Mike:  Wow! A Congo 'mllion' is worth as much as our 'million', guys!
Crow:  That's great, Mike.
 

>WITH A SECURITY COMPANY , FOR SAFEKEEPING. THE FUNDS ARE SECURITY
>CODED TO PREVENT THEM FROM KNOWING THE CONTENT.
 

Washu: (as Mrs. Sese-seko) So I'll send out a message over the internet that
can trace the money back to me. They'll never expect it!
 

>WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO
 

Crow:  ... is WANG CHUNG TONIGHT!
 

>IS TO INDICATE YOUR INTEREST THAT YOU WILL ASSIST US BY RECEIVING THE MONEY
>ON OUR BEHALF.
 

Mike:  And so the fate of the Congo rests on the shoulders... of an
unemployed drafter from rural New York.
Tom:   You know, it figures that the fate of a nation would fall to a
fanboy... hmm!
 

>ACKNOWLEDGE THIS MESSAGE, SO THAT I CAN INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SON
>(EMMAUEL )
 

All:   (snicker)
Washu: Hi, Emmauel! So, you're in on this, too, eh?
Crow:  (as Emmauel) Mom! Are you perpetuating hoaxes on the American people
again? Cut that out!
 

>WHO HAS THE OUT MODALITIES FOR THE CLAIM OF THE SAID FUNDS.
 

Tom:   I guess 'Basher' didn't want to play 'exiled royal family' with Mom
and Em.
 

>I WANT YOU
 

Mike:  ... to join the Armed Forces!
Washu: Uncle Sam has nothing on the hip forces of the Congo Republic.
Tom:   ... except skill, equipment, loyalty... fashion sense...
 

>TO ASSIST IN INVESTING THIS MONEY, BUT I WILL NOT WANT MY IDENTITY
>REVEALED.
 

Crow:  (as Mrs. Sese-seko) So my name from now on will be Madame
Funk-a-fabulous!
Mike:  (laughs) You know, she's fairly demanding of a person she's never
met.
 

>I WILL ALSO WANT TO BUY PROPERTIES AND STOCK IN MULTI-NATIONAL
>COMPANIES AND TO ENGAGE IN OTHER SAFE AND NON-SPECULATIVE INVESTMENTS.
 

Washu: ... like turtle racing and doggie sweaters? Can do!
Crow:  (singing) Don't care how, I want it noooooooooooow....
 

>MAY I AT THIS POINT EMPHASISE THE HIGH LEVEL OF CONFIDENTIALITY, WHICH THIS
>BUSINESS DEMANDS, AND HOPE YOU WILL NOT BETRAY THE TRUST AND CONFIDENCE,
>WHICH I REPOSE IN YOU.
 

Tom:   ... to you, random guy on our mailing list!
 

>IN CONCLUSION, IF YOU WANT TO ASSIST US , MY SON SHALL PUT YOU IN THE
>PICTURE OF THE BUSINESS, TELL YOU WHERE THE FUNDS ARE CURRENTLY BEING
>MAINTAINED AND ALSO DISCUSS OTHER MODALITIES INCLUDING REMUNERATION
>FOR YOUR SERVICES.
 

Mike:  (as Mrs. Sese-seko) Otherwise, I'll send 'Basher' over to your house
with a baseball bat for a little 'talk'...
 

>FOR THIS REASON KINDLY FURNISH US YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION, THAT IS
>YOUR PERSONAL TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBER FOR CONFIDENTIAL PURPOSE
 

All:   (laugh)
Crow:  (as Mrs. Sese-seko) Oh, and throw in your social security card and
ATM pin number. Just to be safe!
Washu: I wonder if she's any relation to that big chick who does Tarot card
readings on the phone.
 

>AND ACKNOWLEDGE RECEIPT OF THIS MAIL USING THE ABOVE EMAIL ADDRESS.
 

Tom:   ... for a good old-fashioned spam bombing.
Washu: Never in anger, Tom. Tis not the 'l33t' way.
 

>BEST REGARDS,
>
>MRS M. SESE SEKO
 

Crow:  ... aka "Spawner of Emmauel and Basher"
Mike:  (picks up Tom) Best regards to you and your pocketbook, too, ma'am.
 

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]
 

 "No, no.. that won't work, either!" Washu erased furiously at the drawing
pad she was hunched over. A pair of gold wire-frame glasses slid down her
nose, which she pushed back absent-mindedly. Mike wandered over to her,
curious, and after a minute of watching her scribble, peered over her
shoulder.
 "I GOT IT!" The scientist jumped up suddenly in triumph, inadvertently
knocking Mike to the floor. She blinked, and looked behind her, on the
floor. "Oh, gomen! BUT I GOT IT!"
 "Got *what*?" Mike asked as he rubbed his nose.
 Washu held the drawing pad up to where Mike could see it. It was covered
with an extremely complicated diagram. "My latest escape plan!"
 "Another one? Washu, that has got to be the tenth escape plan you've
thought up, carried out, and failed before lunch today!"
 "My eleventh, actually! But this one *can't* fail." She winked and tapped
the side of her head with her pencil. "Never underestimate the power of
trial and error, Mikey-boy!
 "You're not going to take Gypsy apart again, are you? She's starting to
demand hazard pay!"
 Washu snickered. "Nothing as complex as that. The true genius of THIS plan
is its simplicity!"
 "But..." Mike began, about to say something about her diagram.
 "Let me show you!" said Washu, ignoring Mike's comment. "All this time I've
been trying to get ME down to the planet! And every time, I failed! Now,
what does tell us?"
 Mike blinked.
 "Exactly!" she continued. "I should have been looking for a solution in the
completely opposite direction, and bring the PLANET to ME!"
 Mike sputtered. "Ah? Eh, er... uh... we can *do* that?"
 Washu's enthusiastic expression dimmed slightly. "Well.... no. But it got
me started thinking on a whole new level. So I mentioned my line of thought
to Crow here..."
 "Hola!" said Crow, as he popped up out of nowhere.
 "... and he said it reminded him that there is a high powered winch
installed on the Satellite of Love! Apparently, Joel rigged one up as part
of one of HIS escape plans, but got back to Earth without using it! Go
figure, huh?"
 "Yeah, go figure." said Mike shooting an icy glare at Crow. "Why don't you
ever MENTION these things to me?"
 "You never asked! Besides, Washu's cuter than you are."
 Washu giggled. "... any way, it's not exactly the same thing as bringing
the Earth to *us*, but if we attach the end of the hook to a stationary
object on the surface, we'll be able to pull ourselves into Earth's
gravitational field. From there, we just glide into the South Atlantic
Ocean! I just calculated our trajectory on this pad." Washu beamed. "The
Observer's expecting us to escape using the SoL's own rocket power, but
he'll never expect *this*!"
 "I like, I like!" Mike rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Make it so,
Ensign!"
 "Aye, Aye, Captain Nelson!" Washu saluted. "Cambot, give me Rocket Number
Nine! Commence lowering the hook!"

[Rocket Number Nine]

 A small hook begins lowering from SoL. It begins a long descent down the
Earth's surface.

[SoL Bridge]

 "Damn... can't get a visual... I'll have to do this blind!" Washu fiddled
with the controls, essentially a couple of big levers.
 Mike looked on anxiously. "Do you still think you can pull this off?"
 "Oh, please. I have won SO many plushies from those crane machines back on
Earth, it's not funny! I can do this by FEEL." Washu turned her attentions
back on the controls. "Okay... good... Yes! I think I've just latched on to
something!" She pulled back one of the levers. "Reversing the winch... now!"
 There was a brief shudder throughout the SoL, but nothing more.
 "Aw, nuts! Whatever I had hooked must have broken free! I still have a
weight on the line..." Washu shrugged. "Ah, well, might as well see what we
got. I'll bring it up!"
 "Oh, Pearl's calling. Just act natural." Mike said coolly as he tapped the
red light.

[Earth's Upper Atmosphere]

 The large turret of Castle Forrester rapidly rose to into the heavens. In
one of the windows, Pearl Forrester leaned out and put her elbows on the
sill. She was nonchalant.
 "Well, Nelson, Hakubi, you've really outdone yourself this time. Normally,
this would piss me off no end, but I'm in the middle of organizing a
Tupperware party right now, so I'm going to pretend this didn't HAPPEN.
Capise?"
 The Observer came over to the window, holding a catalog. "Pearl, do you
think you could get me some more information on this? I didn't know
Tupperware HAD a line of brain pans!"
 "Oh, Albino-butt, do me a favor and take care of something for me?" She
jerked a thumb at the hook, which happened to be latched to the upper sill
of the window they were in.
 "Ah, another ill-fated escape scheme. Well, no matter. I will simply phase
their little winch out of existence." The Observer put a hand to his head
and issued forth his mental power.
 "No, WAIT!" screamed Pearl.
 The hook disappeared.
 "Oh, *right!*" exclaimed the Observer. "Overlooked that one little detail,
sorry!"
 The turret quickly ceased all upward momentum, seemed to hang in midair for
a moment, and began a graceful descent back to Earth, complete with a slight
top-spin.
 "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"

[SoL Bridge]
 *"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!*"
 Mike grimaced as he watched the turret descend. "Well, if they're lucky,
maybe Bobo will be down there to break the fall..."
 Washu angrily turned to Crow. "Why didn't you TELL me we were in
geo-synchronous orbit with Castle Forrester? That was kinda embarrassing!"
 "Well, no one asked me that, either! Oh, hey, WE GOT ANGST SIIIIIGN!!"
 *"aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa- >>CRASH!<<"*
 

[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Theater]
 

>omiangst
 

Crow:  Brought to you by the Depressed Boy-Love Association of America.
(They sit)
 

>  Disclaimer: ...I stole Brad Crawford and Schuldig, and they're
>locked in my bedroom.
 

Tom:   (as author) They are MINE, all MINE, dammit, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
 

>I'm willing to share them with anyone who'll give me C&C.
 

Mike:  (as author) ... and a crap-load of liquor and Dir en Grey posters!
 

>Feedback much needed and adored...tell me what you think. Isn't it
>worth some time with two sexy bishounen?!
 

Washu: I'll say. I need a LOT of yard work done around my house on Earth.
 

>Warning: Shounen-ai implications, major angst and stuff. But nothing
>yaoi.
 

All:   YES!!
(Mike and Washu leap up and give each other a high-five)
 

>No lemon/lime content. Believe me, minna-sama, it's for the best,
>SUMIRE CAN'T WRITE YAOI. o_O;;;
 

Tom:   White Girl can't Write?
 

>Stupid Comment: I took a break from writing an Omi angst fic to write
>this Omi angst at two in the damn morning.
 

Washu: So, she was feeling angst over writing angst, so she wrote even
angst-ier angst?
Crow:  Usually, I'd just take a Zantac for Angst.
 

>Keep in mind I wrote this when I wasn't really able to think beyond
>"Hey, I'm awake, look, I can read the  digital clock and it says 2
>AM." That would be why it's so retarded...er, just like me.
>
>                      Damaged
 

Mike:  Do'h! Be sure to use PACKAGING when shipping your plot lines long
distance!!
 

>The three of us, down in the shop that morning, heard the muffled
>gunshot from upstairs.
 

Crow:  Just another quiet day at the Dallas book repository...
Tom:   Grampa Joe Walton finally goes over the edge.
 

>All three of our heads jerked up instinctively at the noise, eyes
>wide with shock and ears attentive.
 

Washu: (as Kenshin) Oro?
Crow:  Suddenly, I get a mental image of that RCA dog.
 

>My heart pounded out a speedy rhythm in my chest. A headache throbbed
>at my temples.
 

Tom:   (as the narrator) My lips moved, but I couldn't hear what I was
saying...
 

>   Ken spoke first. "I-I think it was from upstairs..."
>
>   Yohji stubbed out his cigarette. He quickly flew up the stairs
 

Mike:  Hey, he must be one of those demon-boy bishounen, with bat wings!
Washu: Oh, cool!
 

>to where we kept our residence, in the apartment above.
 

Crow:  (as the narrator) We lived there with these two strange American
fanboys and their cute PS2 accessory named 'Ping'...
Tom:   (snickers)
 

>I heard the door at the top of  the stairs open.
>
>  "Goddamnit, Yohji," Ken hissed, following. "Be careful. It could be
>- "
 

Washu: (as Ken) ... another one of those girls obsessed in seeing us in
makeup!
 

>  "-SHUT UP!"
 

Mike:  (as Yohji) I'm trying to be ANGSTY here!
 
 

>  I followed last. An electric shock of worry stung me. "Oh gods..."
 

Tom:   (as narrator) Can't we get the frigging wiring in the place fixed?!
That's the SECOND time a live wire got me on the ass!
 

>   While the other two carefully searched the apartment for a sign of
>any intrusion, I flew striaght to Omi's room, afraid of what I would find.
 

Crow:  ... his collection of EVA models wrecked beyond salvagiblity.
 

>   /What if Schwarz-/
 

Tom:   (snickers)
Mike:  (as Yogurt from 'Space Balls') May the Schwarz be with you!
 

>    I was afraid they had killed him.....
 

Washu: One greaseball, barely alive...
Crow:  Gentlemen, we CAN rebuild him! Make him better, stronger, faster!
Tom:   More angst-er!
 

>   The cold metal of the doorhandle shocked me back into reality. I slowly
>opened the door. When I first opened it, I could see a small hand.
 

Mike:  I thought it was *Dale*!
 

>As I pushed the door further, it extended into a navy-blue clad arm,
>attached to -
 

Washu: - a torso, I imagine.
Tom:   Noooooooooo! They killed Popeye the Sailor Man!
 

>  - the rest of Omi. Dead. A gun on the floor... It was apparent
>enough what had happened...
 

Crow:  (as narrator) Obviously, the gun and Omi were lovers in a suicide
pact.
 

>he had shot himself.....
>
>  "Jesus fucking CHRIST!!" I screamed.
 

Mike:  No, honey, that's *Omi*.
 

>Ken and Yohji appeared behind me in  the doorway within seconds.
 

Tom:   (as Lurch from 'Addams Family') You... rang?
Washu: (as Ken) Hi, I'm Jesus, and this is Christ. You, uh, wanted us to get
intimate?
 

>I heard their sickedned, shocked cries, and then I heard the sound of
>sobbing. I didn't know who the sound came from until I realized that hot
>tears flowed down my face.
 

Crow:  Uh, oh, his forehead is melting again!
 

>I covered my face with my hands and let them flow.
>
>"We-we'll go close up the shop and call the police," Ken offered.
 

Tom:   Hell, why let a little suicide slow down business?
Mike:  On the bright side of all this, at least they can get an employee
discount on sympathy flowers to send each other...
 

>Yohji patted me on the shouluder.
>
>I spun around. "Don't touch me," I hissed, glaring angrily at the
>blur in front of me.
 

Washu: (as narrator) Screw YOU, comforting friend!
 

>  He disappeared down the hall along with Ken. I closed the door to
>his room and dragged myself to my own bedroom. Closing the door quietly
>behind me, I crossed the room and slumped into my leather
>chair.
 

Crow:  (as narrator) Now, should I try being surly for a while or continue
being in angst?
Tom:   Viewers at home, *you* decide!
 

>Everything in the room was a blur - the bed, the dresser,
 

Washu: ... plot...
 

>the sheet of paper on the bed-
>
>  -Sheet of paper on the bed?
 

Crow:  Whatever it is, it's quilted-fresh!
Mike:  Someone must have mistaken the bed for the potty again.
 

>  Curious, I stood up and crossed the room, picking up the sheet of
>paper and glancing at it, scanning the words...
 

Tom:   (as narrator) "Dear oily boy-man"... hey, that's not nice!
 

>   Why couldn't you love me?
>
>   Why couldn't anyone love me?
 

Washu: Why is it hotdog rolls are in packages of eight when hotdogs are sold
in packages of tens? Even *I* couldn't answer that one.
 

>Am I really so unlovable, so completely, sickeningly, shockingly
>pathetic that nobody could find it worth their time to invest their
>feelings in me?
 

Tom:   Mike, is the fanfic unloading its emotional problems on us?
Mike:  I dunno, but *man*, this fanfic needs a Prozac.
 

>...My own father couldn't love me. When they kidnapped me, took me
>away from those I loved, I saw just how one-sided that love was.
 

Crow:  Proof that the fanfic's a mobius strip!
 

>The man who had made my life possible, the one who had brought me
>into this corrupt, hateful world, didn't see fit to pay ransom to get
>me back.
 

Mike:  (as Omi) Can ya BELIEVE it?!
 

>He left me to them, left me to die. Am I really that worthless,
>unlovable?
 

Washu: Well...
 

>I guess I am...
 

Washu: ... damn it! Giving this guy a pep talk is an uphill struggle!
 

>My own sister tried to seduce me. I didn't know she was
>my...sister...
 

Tom:   Whoa, having a 'Raging Fires' flashback...
Crow:  Mackie Stingray, ladies and gentlemen.
 

>Ouka, my very own beloved younger sister, seduced me and tried to
>weaken me to the enemy, attempted to pull me away from my own teammates and
>join with the enemy.
 

Mike:  (laughs) That wacky little minx! Always up to capers!
 

>The enemy that was my family. My own father...the enemy....
 

Washu: Freud would have had a field day with this guy.
 

>...The man who left me to die and would surely do so again.
 

Crow:  (as Omi) That is if, you know, I wasn't already DEAD and all...
 

>The man who even let my own sister die at the hands of his
>bodyguards...
 

Tom:   (as Omi's father) Hey, 'don't walk on the grass' means DON'T WALK ON
THE GRASS!!
 

>I was raised by another man. Trained to kill. He trained me in the
>ways of murder, taught me to throw my darts with a steady hand and
>unerring, fatal accuracy.
 

Washu: Not to mention the deadly art of FLORAL ARRANGEMENT!
 

>My purpose of living became to end the lives of others.
 

Mike:  Ah, so he REALLY works for the IRS! *NOW* it all makes sense!
 

>Before I  knew that the ways of murder in which I had been trained
>were wrong, before I could choose to live my life my own way, I was
>forced to kill.
 

Crow:  (as Omi) Then I found out that killing is sorta *fun*, so I did that
for a while...
 

>Forced to kill because I wasn't good enough to live for myself;
>forced to kill because such a vile, loathsome task was all that I deserved.
 

Tom:   ... forced to kill because, hey, bills don't pay themselves.
 

>All that my abandoned, destroyed soul could possibly expect out of
>life.
 

Mike:  ... an eternity of Taco Bell take-out.
Crow:  Boy, that WOULD eat through a soul!
 

>Every kill I make adds to the painiful burden, the weight on my
>heart.
 

Washu: (as Omi) Who am I kidding, no it doesn't! I *love* my job!
Bots:  (singing) Every frag I make... every heart I stake... I'll be missing
yo-ooo-u!
 

>The physical and emotional ache I feel is enough to drive me to
>suicide...
 

Mike:  (as Omi) Whoops, too late, it already has.
Tom:   (snicker)
 

>....and then there's you, Aya.
 

Crow:  (as Omi) The REALLY unappealing guy in my life!
 

>You were the reason for which I took my burdens upon myself.
 

Tom:   (as Omi) Thanks for being a LOAD!
 

>I didn't want you to know how unlovable I really was.
 

Washu: Translation: Get ready for the most angst-filled guilt trip of your
LIFE, me bucko.
 

>I just wanted you to feel for me the same I felt about you, though I >knew
>the chances of that were slim that anyone, especially you, would
>return my love.
 

Mike:  Cue the violins.
Crow:  (as Omi) What I'm trying to say, Aya, is when I think about you I
touch myself.
 

>I would look at you and wonder why you had chosen this way of life, a
>creature as beautiful and perfect as you are.
 

Tom:   (as Omi) Although it's more than your ego I'd like to be stroking,
ifyaknowwhaddamean!
 

>I know your sister means everything to you, and that you want to
>avenge what has happened to her. It's foolish for me to love you.
 

Mike:  (as Omi) Even though legions of yaoi-obsessed fangirls cheer me on.
 

>Your love of your sister has taken over  every bit of love left in
>that cold heart of yours, and there's none left for me.
 

Washu: (singing) The way we were...
Crow:  (as Omi) The more I think about it, you just plain SUCK.
 

>I still can't help it....
 

Tom:   YANKEES LOST THE WORLD SERIES! MAN!!
 

>  The day I told you how I felt, the look of horror, the expression of
>pained shock, stabbed me more painfully than the blade of your katana ever
>could.
 

Crow:  (as Omi) I know, because I *tried*. But I'm such a loser, I missed
while trying to perform seppuku!
 

>The way your pale amythest eyes widened and then narrowed, glazed with
>tears.....
 

Mike:  (as Omi) I should have never of told you that the wasn't a Santa
Claus.
Tom:   The-there isn't?!
Washu: (misty-eyed) Nani?
Mike:  I-I mean, not at this time of year! Only at Christmas!
Crow:  Heh.
 

>That dead tone of voice in which you spoke your words..."Omi...I-this just
>isn't-it's not right. I can't love you. I don't."
 

Tom:   (as Aya) You're an Original Recipe kind of guy, and my heart will
always lie with Extra Crispy!
 

>  The way you turned away from me and slammed the door of your bedroom and
>shut me out...
 

Crow:  (as Omi) When it comes right down to it, you're a whiny little
bee-atch.
 

>  ...I just can't continue living like this, Aya. I just hope that as >you
>read this note that I'm leaving behind that you might understand why I had
>to do this,
 

Washu: ... a creative way to ruin your interior decorating for payback!
Mike:  Man, hell hath no fury like a florist-cum-hired-gun scorned, eh?
 

>and I'm sorry that I ever told you how I felt instead of just keeping those
>feelings to myself. We both would have been better off.
 

Tom:   I'll agree with that. Especially since it'd of meant NO FANFIC!!
Mike:  No need to be bitter, fella.
 

>I don't want to die. I'm scared, Aya. The only thing I want is for you
>to hold me in your arms, hold me to you, tell me that you love me and that
>everything will be all right.
 

Washu: (singing) ... everything's a gonna be all right, rockabye...
Crow:  Damn it, Washu.
Tom:   Damn you!
Washu: Heh, heh!
 

>I know it would never happen. So I'm  leaving those I loved most,
>because once again, they just didn't love me back. I can't take it anymore.
 

Mike:  (as Omi) ALL THE FRIGGIN' ANGST!!
 

>My life is worthless, wasted, meaningless.
>
>I just want you to know that I still love you anyway...
 

Crow:  (as Omi) Just to drive it home into your icy black heart, ya KNOB!
 

>I sunk down onto the bed. "Oh, Omi," I moaned, more burning, scalding tears
>spilling down my cheeks. "Omi..."
 

Washu: (as Aya) Damn it, your carcass is ALREADY beginning to reek!
 

>/I feel so empty, soulless, so hollow...and so cruel. I can't live
>knowing I've killed you, Omi. Especially because I did love you.../
 

Tom:   (as Omi) YES! SCORE!
Crow:  (as Aya) As a brother! AS A BROTHER!!
Tom:   (as Omi) Damn! Guess I'll go back to being dead, then.
 

>I knew what I had to do. I folded the letter and stood from the bed,
>placing it on the dresser, and I unsheathed my katana, ready to be
>with Omi again.
 

Mike:  Ah, good, a satisfying ending. (picks up Servo)
 

>~*~Owari~*~
 

Washu: (cheerfully) Sayonara! (mutters under breath)
 

[1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Bridge]
 

 Washu tapped her fingers on the console that stood on the bridge of the
SoL. She looked completely fed up. "I can't BELIEVE this. It's almost as if
some sort of contrived force was SUBVERTING my brilliant plans to escape!"
She shook her head. "Maybe that angsty fanfic affected me more than I
thought... am I getting... discouraged?"
 As if on cue, Tom, Mike, and Crow came on to the bridge. Mike took pains
not to drop any of the packages he was carrying. Washu looked up, curiously.
 "Hey, Washu!" Tom began. "We couldn't help overhearing your frustration, so
we of the WWL decided to cheer you up!"
 "The... WWL?"
 "The Welcome Wagon of Love!" Crow replied. As he spoke, Mike dropped the
boxes on the console with an unceremonious thud.
 "That's right, Washu!" Tom explained. "As part of the SoL family, we felt
it was time we extended you all the rights and privileges that come with
becoming a part of the SoL family."
 "Such as access to the executive washroom!" Tom explained. Mike dangled a
pair of keys.
 "A monogrammed terrycloth wash towel!" Crow said. Mike held it up.
 "Use of the snack and salad bar!" Tom added. Mike produced a pair of
certificates and handed them to Washu.
 "And of course, this charming bumper sticker that reads 'My other
satellite's a Voyager!'" Crow finished.
 "Wow. And you even spelled my name in kajiun characters, like it's supposed
to..." Washu began as examined the towel. "Well... it's awfully sweet of you
guys to make me feel welcome.  I'm no stranger of being trapped by
malevolent forces, but at least I know that being up here won't be *THAT*
bad, with guys like you around! Thank you!" She managed a cute grin.
 "Well, we're happy to have you part of team!" Mike said, returning the
smile. "Any questions?"
 "Well... just one. What's in all *those*?"
 "Oh! That's all the equipment you'll need to clean out the load pan. It's
your turn this week. See ya!" And with that, Mike and the Bots quickly ran
off of the bridge.
 Washu sighed as she watched them exit. "Why did I ever have one of those
installed?"
 

[Fade to Black]
 

Jack Acid muses:

Well, another one in the can.

Aside from the inclusion of Washu, there's something significant about this
episode: it's completely NEW. I have not seen any of this fodder before
until two months ago. I did this partly because I wanted my original
'season' to be ten episodes, not nine. I also wanted room for plot
development as far as the skits go. Light-hearted as they might be, the host
segments of the MSTing are usually overlooked as part of the whole MST
experience. And I write these things in the mind that you the reader get the
feeling that you get watching an episode of the real show (with a few fun
extras such as Crow's lightsaber, or Mike's Nanite infestation). I hope I
captured the spirit of the show!

A friend of mine, Su-chan, wrote "Damaged". She INSISTED I give her angst
fic 'the treatment' once she learned that I was a MSTer. I did so
hesitantly- not because she was a friend (I'm a very impartial, objective
MSTer- it's never personal) but because I honestly didn't think it was that
bad. Of course, you're talking to the guy who sat through 'Raging Fires'
sans riffs, so I might be a little jaded. I'm not terribly familiar with the
series Weiss Kreuz, either (although I do research in cases like that).
However, I was surprised how well it turned out, so I got her permission to
release it as part of my series.

"ASSISTANCE NEEDED" was a no brainer. While hunting down bot fodder new or
old from the murky reaches of the net is sometimes half the fun, Spam can be
the best kind of fodder because IT comes to YOU. Occasionally, a really gem
can show up, such as this thinly disguised, poorly executed, and HIGHLY
obnoxious scam to relieve a person of their contact information.
Particularly amusing- and to show the soullessness of the entire scheme-
that they saw fit to include ME (a drafting student) on the bulk mailing
list. Exactly what pull 'Madame Sese-seko' thought I had is unknown.
However, it *did* made for a fun short.
 

Special Thanks to:

Megane 6.7, for getting me on this MSTing kick, and teaching me all I needed
to know about MSTing.  His webpage and mine: http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Zoogz, my webmaster and all-around swell guy, who also has his MSTings at
the above address. But if you found THIS MSTing already, you've already
found his and Megane's, right? ^_-

Himitsu, for her always valued C&C.

Ping courtesy of www.megatokyo.com  - Ph33r Largo's l33t n3kk1d sk1llz.

The good folk at #EcchiFanGirls, found at
http://www.geocities.com/ecchifangirls/, who are the source of some of my
inspiration. Even if they *are* perverts!

Haloflux, who is the best kitty-girl-shade-thief-mage-vampire I know!

Website #9's guidelines to Usenet MSTings. It came in handy...

Hitoshi Okuda, the creator of Washu and Tenchi Muyo!, my favorite manga of
all time. All rights reserved.

Best Brains, for screwing up my childhood (but in a good way) from age
eleven up to today, at twenty one. All rights reserved.

May the way of the Hero lead to the Triforce.
 

>Yohji patted me on the shouluder.
>
>I spun around. "Don't touch me," I hissed, glaring angrily at the
>blur in front of me.
 

Washu: (as narrator) Screw YOU, comforting friend!