(Scene: the press box at Wembley Stadium, London. A man wearing a dinner jacket and tie is sitting behind a boxy microphone. His gaze is not on the viewer, but rather on the activity preparing to take place on the field. He speaks in the crisp BBC-standard accent, very quickly and earnestly.) Announcer: Good afternoon, and welcome to the annual Chickenball Cup Final between the Knights of the True Fiancee and the Church of Ukyou Acolytes. This Cup Final will determine who are the greatest Chickenballers of the millenium, so this is The Big One, and there's quite a lot of excitement from the crowd here at Wembley. (The camera pans across a massive cheering throng. Banners are flying here and there, emblazoned with the faces of either Akane Tendo on a red field or Ukyou Kuonji on a purple field. We catch a glimpse of a banner displaying Kodachi Kuno on a black field, but the camera quickly cuts back to the annoucer, who's a bit startled by the sudden jump cut.) Announcer: Ah... It looks to be a splendid afternoon's sport today, with the going firm underfoot and very little sign of rain. And here come the teams for today's contest! (Camera cuts to the field. The Knights run onto the field, wearing red and black striped rugby shirts and black shorts, while the Acolytes' shirts are purple and white. One member of each team carries a long pole and is walking up the centre stripe, following an Asian woman in a black shirt and shorts, evidently the referee.) Announcer (voice-over): And the captains are meeting in the middle of the pitch, Kleppe for the Knights, Megane 6.7 for the Acolytes. Referee Takahashi is reviewing the rules with them... and now, the coin toss. Captain Kleppe calls, the coin flies into the air, and... he loses! It's the Acolytes' ball at the outset, and Takahashi blows the whistle and lobs the ball toward the Knights' goal.... (The ball bounces unhindered onto the Knights' side of the pitch, and the Knights run away from it as it approaches.) Announcer: Desaix scoots away as it gets near him - brilliantly well-not-played. Now the ball's approaching Talen-kun, and he scampers off as well. The ball's on a course for the Knights' goal; is it going to make it? Ah, the goalie scatters away from it, just as it comes to a stop. Who's going to touch the ball? Ah, it looks like Captain Kleppe is approaching the ball, circling it at a healthy distance of three meters... there, he's rearing back with his stick, he swings... and the ball goes flying over to the Acolytes goal. Bateman ducks - my goddess, that nearly took his head off - and the ball bounces into... no, wait! It's struck the side of the goal and careens off into a corner of the pitch! Acolyte team players are staying away from it in droves! Even the captains won't touch it with their ten-foot poles. (And so the ball sits in the corner of the field, everyone too afraid to touch it. Cut back up to the press box.) Announcer: Yes, folks, this is Chickenball. Isn't it exciting? (He leans in slightly to the microphone, and all at once it becomes clear to us who he is: John Cleese, late of the Flying Circus.) Cleese: And now... (Cut to a scarred beachscape. A scruffily bearded man dressed in rags in extreme close-up.) It's Man: It's... (Music Cue: The Catchy CB Theme, Whatever song you like best....) LIVE FROM TORONTO, CANADA!!! IT'S THE SECOND ANNUAL CHICKEN BALL AWARDS!!! PRESENTED BY OUR SPECIAL GUESTS....(in alphabetical order) Alan Harnum Andy 'Avatar' Kent Bastion Bridget Wilde David 'Fido' Linquist D.F. Roeder Donny Cheng Evil Doctor Tofu 343 <343@evildoctortofu.org> Evil Priestess Kasumi Gary Kleppe Hajime Saitou J. Austin Wilde John Biles KaraOhki Kyle Emmerson Kyosuke Kasuga LaShawn Wanak Megane 6.7 Ruri Hoshino Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison Steven 'Nightman' Cornett Ukyou Vincent Seifert And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, here are your hosts for this event: Gary Kleppe and Megane 6.7! The curtain rises, and Megane and Gary are greeted by spirited applause. Megane stands clad in full tuxedo, immaculate from head to toe. Gary has on a plain dark blue sweatshirt and jeans; his hair is sloppily combed, and his face has that look reserved for those who've just gotten out of bed. "Look, when you asked me to come down and help out with the Chicken Balls, I thought I was going to do computer graphics or something," Gary says. "You never mentioned anything about co-hosting!" "Hey, don't worry; you'll do fine." Megane does a Joel Robinson-esque take to the camera. "Oh, hi! I'm Megane 6.7, and this is my co-host for this year, Gary Kleppe. Welcome to the Y2K edition of the Chicken Ball Awards!" Applause erupts, drowning out Megane's voice. He waves to the audience, then waits for it to die down before continuing. "As has been a tradition at every CB award ceremony -- starting with this one -- my co-host will now deliver the opening address." He nods to Gary, who blinks several times, staring dumbly at the microphone. "Um...." "Don't worry; we got ya covered!" A pair of teenage boys in matching sportcoats step out from backstage. The dark-haired one hands Gary several typed pages. "We wrote your speech for you." "My MSTing team, Hiroshi and Daisuke," Gary says to Megane. The audience applauds once more. "What did you write, guys?" "It's a five page essay on why there needs to be more breast jokes in fanfiction," Hiroshi says. "Guaranteed crowd pleaser." Gary hands it back. "Thanks, but I'll improvise." He turns to the camera. "Welcome to this year's Chicken Balls. There are and have been a lot of fanfiction awards and such, but there's one thing that makes the CBs unique. We're in it for the fun of it. It's true that we hope to encourage quality fanfiction writers -- those authors who take the time and effort to make their product the best possible, whether it be witty comedy, gripping drama, or any other genre. But primarily, we're here to enjoy ourselves. And remember, regardless of the outcome of these awards, who the real winners are: every writer out there who goes the extra mile to produce fanfiction of real quality, and every reader out there who keeps the writers going by sending thoughtful comments. All of you are the reason why we're here." The audience applauds. As it dies down, Megane steps to the microphone. "Let's get this show rolling with our first presenter for the 'Funniest Fanfic of 1999.' He is the author of 'Lesbian 1/2' and 'For Love or Money', Mr. Donny Cheng!" The audience applauds as Donny Cheng nervously walks on-stage and approaches the podium. *Why did I agree to this? I hate talking to a bunch of people.* Donny forces a smile on his face. *Remember, think humorous.* "Ladies, gents, and those that aren't sure..." Donny hangs his head in shame. *Ack, bombed already. Mercy laughter you get when they're feeling sorry for how much of a sap you are.* "...what makes a funny fic? Comedy is, as we all know, hit or miss, so the following nominations should be declared on the wanted list... because of all the hits they've pulled." A gentle breeze wafts through the room, blowing a rolling tumble weed across the stage. *Kill me now. At least it's nearly over.* "And the nominees are..." -- "Garden of EVA" by Jim Lazar Author E-mail: Fic is at http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime/geva/ -- "Girl Days" by Robert Haynie Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.sofaspud.org/couch/Ranma/GirlDays/ -- "Nodoka in Love" by Martin Metke Author E-mail: Fic is at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Spa/6332/index.html -- "Pantyhose Tarou, I Choose You" by David Tai & Alan Harnum Author E-mails: , Fic is at:ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/Ranma/ ranma.pokemon.pantyhose-tarou-i-choose-you -- "Tracks" by Platypus3333 Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://members.tripod.com/Platypus3333/ "The winner of the Chicken Ball for the funniest fanfic of the year and has killed the most of you... with laughter..." Some people get out of their seats to get out of the room for a smoke or hard liquor, even those that have quit for years. *Just end it, you idiot!* *I had to try one more time* Donny, with his ego more than a little bruised, returns to the audience's no longer rabid attention. "...is *Girl Days* by Robert Haynie!" To the surprise of most, a rather stacked blonde female approaches. She's wearing a well crafted evening gown of blue silk with gold highlights that shows her figure off rather well. In fact, it just plain shows. Donny stares. "Um... I thought that the recipient was a male?" Robert sighs. "Usually, but I was in a discussion about the nature of Instant Juysenko backstage, and SOMEONE managed to accidentally mix some Nyannichuan powder into the water cooler, splash me with it, AND break the water heater at one blow. I'm just glad that Misato had a spare gown to lend me. (Damn... these panties feel funny when you aren't used to them.) I hope you're HAPPY, you two." In the audience, the fabled Dirty Pa-- ah, the Lovely Angels retort, "IT WASN'T OUR FAULT!" "You didn't HAVE to chase Happosai into the dressing room. Anyway... "I'd like to thank my pre-readers... no, wait, I don't use pre-readers. "I'd like to thank my parents... no, wait. they don't read my stuff, wouldn't understand it, and never saw any anime that they'd admit. "I'd like to thank my spouse-- no wait, I'm single." >From the audience, someone yells, "You want to go out later, cutie?" Robert glowers, reaches into her beaded purse, pulls out a Member II and blows the hentai away. "I KNEW it was a good idea to save this prop from the big crossover bit. Anyway... "I wrote Girl Days for a simple reason. I have seen many very fine and wonderful fanfiction dealing with the concept of Ranma becoming a girl, either in mind or dress, for an extended period of time. >From the controversial 'Thy Outward Part' to the tragic 'Ranma's Curse', from the deep psychodrama of 'Iris' to the oddly fascinating and truly poetic 'Fragile Clay', from the strange and fascinating 'Dew On The Grass' to the remarkable epic that is 'The Sunrise Chronicles', I have read and enjoyed thoroughly. And yet, I was... unsatisfied. "For each and every one of the fanfics seemed to lack something that means a lot to me... especially in the world of Ranma..." Robert takes a DEEP breath. (Causing, considering her present state and the low cut of the gown, not a few nosebleeds.) "DAMMIT! RANMA IS A COMEDY! We are talking lethal watermelon attack techniques, haunted swimsuits, a man who gains power from underwear, magical mirrors that produce nymphomaniac copies, people named after UNDERWEAR, deadly onsen races, exploding food, a man who gets lost in a room with one door, viruses that make people think they are couples on a honeymoon in Hawaii, a principal who thins he IS in Hawaii, pandas, and let's not forget that the hero turns into a GIRL at the WORST possible times!" Robert looks down at herself. "I know I won't. Anyhow... I just had to get that off my chest." Donny nods. "And it's some chest--" WHAM! Hefting the mallet, Robert murmurs, "Have to remember to return that to Akane. Anyhow, if there's anyone to thank it's my readers, and the members of the FFML. And of course, whoever invented the cheese sandwich. And DEFINITELY Rumiko Takahashi for creating a world for me to play in. Good evening." As Robert walks away, Gary walks on stage and looks at Donny's crumbled form. "Did you HAVE to say that?" "It was... worth it..." Donny gasps as a stagehand quickly runs out and drags him off the stage. Gary sighs, shaking his head slightly, looking like a teacher waiting for his class to settle down. "Okay... next?" "And now...." the announcer's voice booms. "Here to present the award for 'Best Sadfic of 1999', the author of 'Breaking Free' and 'A Change of Scene', let's give a tearful welcome to KaraOhki!" A stagehand carries a tall stool onto the stage, and sets it up behind the podium. As he returns to the wings, he passes a small white cabbit with brown spots. KaraOhki is wearing nothing (cabbits don't wear clothes, you perverts!) except a diamond-studded tiara, and is dragging a large sack with her. She climbs up onto the stool, and dumps the sack on the podium, removing her glasses and a piece of paper from it. "Hello. I've been asked to present the *sniffle* Chickenball award for the Best Sadfic. It takes a special talent to write something that will move an audience to tears, and the nominated authors all possess that talent." (KaraOhki is forced to stop due to excessive sobbing and digs through the sack, pulling out a box of tissues. She blows her nose, and wipes her eyes.) "The nominees, in alphabetical order according to the name of the story, are: A Tale That Wasn't Right, by Axel Terizaki (ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub.archive/anime-fan-works/evangelion/ eva.a-tale-that-wasnt-right) For You, by Ronny Hedin (http://i99ronhe.island.liu.se/fanfic/html/fy.html) Lost Love, by Alain Gravel (http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/main.html) The Light That Burns the Brightest, by Sean Gaffney (http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/kno.txt) The Moon by Lovelight, by Kazama/Allyn Yonge (http://www.iguild.com/homes/kazama/kikyou/Lovelight.htm) Waiting For You, by Stiffanie Flores" (htttp://www.angelfire.com/sd/Ranmafanfic/waiting.html) Kara starts to wail, and tries to calm down. "They were all so good! He died, and she died, and, and, I'm out of tissues!" A loud hissing noise causes her to glance backstage, and notice Gary Kleppe holding up his "GET ON WITH IT!" sign. On either side of him, Hiroshi and Daisuke hold up their "MORE FANSERVICE!" signs. Kara bounces a carrot off Gary's head and gets on with it. "The winner is - The Light That Burns the Brightest! Sean, get up here!!" A gasp is heard from the audience. Everyone turns to the source of the sound, to see Sean jump to his feet, looking totally confused. He's looking rather elegant in his simple black tuxedo and leather fedora, but he's rooted in place. He stares at the faces in the crowd, and back at Kara, who looks rather impatient. Alan Harnum and Matt Lewis, realizing that if they don't do something Sean will stand there all night, grab him by the arms. They drag him onto the stage, and push him toward the podium. Kara pulls a bouquet of carrots and the award--a bronze tissue box--out of the sack and hands both to Sean, accidentally including a soggy tissue in the handover. She then backs out of the way. Sean steps in front of the podium, and sets the award and the carrots down on top of it. He allows the soggy tissue to float down to the floor of the stage, and uses the toe of his shoe to shove it under the podium. "Um..." Sean pauses, and rubs the back of his neck. "Thanks to everyone that voted for my fanfic, and thanks to David and Lara for hearing out the original idea. And thanks to Miho Obana and the creators of the KnO anime, for creating a series that can go from serious to wacky at the drop of a hat. I decided to drop mine. Thanks!" Sean picks up the carrots and award, prepared to leave the stage, but KaraOhki pounces on him and gives him a sloppy cabbit kiss on the cheek. She is still sobbing. Sean pries her off, drops her on the podium, and flees. "Thank you, Sean. And presenting the next award will be...." Kara dissolves into tears, and buries her face in her paws. A tall bearded man runs onto the stage, and scoops her up. "It's okay, partner. You did fine. Now go rest." As the pair disappears offstage Kara whispers, "Thank you, Fido." "Our next presenter is for the 'Best Lemon of 1999', she is the author of 'Heart/Home' and the producer of the R&R Reviews, let's give a warm round of applause for LaShawn Wanak and the stars of R&R, Ranma Saotome and Ryouga Hibiki! A swell of music rises as Ranma and Ryoga, dressed in sharp tuxes, approach the stage from the left. LaShawn, dressed in a forest green wraparound dress and a tall headscarf (much like what Erykah Badu wore at the Oscars) perched atop her head, comes from the right, grinning broadly and waving to the crowd. The three meet at the microphone. "Thank you, thank you everyone." LaShawn crows, "I can't tell you how good it feels to be back in the writing business again. Marriage takes a lot more out of you than I thought." Ranma rolls his eyes and mutters, "That and she was just plain too lazy to write." At LaShawn's withering glance, he gulps and rushes on, "And what better way to start off than at the 1999 Chickenball Awards? Of course, we would like to apologize for the last time we gave out the awards for '97. Honestly, we never planned for things to end up like they did. Really." Ryoga snorts, "Oh, come on, Ranma. It was obviously your fault." "My fault? How was it my fault?" "It's *always* your fault!" "Ahem!" LaShawn coughs politely before any further words are said. "Be it as it may, we promise not to have any more explosions or accidents or people popping out of the floor, or whatnot. Right, boys?" "Right, LaShawn," both boys say, looking sheepish. Ryoga continues, "Anyway, we are please to present the award for the best MSTing of a fanfic...." It's LaShawn's turn to look sheepish as she interrupts, "Uh, actually, we're not doing that this year." Both boys stare at her, puzzled. Ranma says, "But...you were planning to bring back the R&R reviews. I thought--" "Yes, I do plan to do that. However--" A spotlight suddenly shines upon her as she takes the microphone in hand, head bowed. "This past year of being married has taught me a lot of things. Commitment, compromising, having to share a bathroom, not having a computer to myself anymore (heck, not having a computer at all since *he* now hogs it most of the time). But the one thing I've learned most in this one year of marriage is--" She lifts her head up, eyes all asparkle. "SEX! "WHAAAAAT?!?!" Ranma and Ryoga chorus. "Which is why I've decided that we'll present--" LaShawn suddenly whips off her dress and scarf, revealing her to be wearing a bunny outfit, complete with ears, tail, and high heel shoes. "The Best Lemon Fanfic!!!" "NOOOOO!" Ranma rushes up and attempts to cover LaShawn with his body while Ryoga struggles to hold back a nosebleed. "Are you nuts? We can't do that! Akane will kill me! I'm in hot water enough as it is being seen with you. Put your clothes back on! No way are we doing this! I won't do it! You with me, Ryoga?" "Nobe. I wond do id eedder." LaShawn sniffs, "Who says you were going to anyway? Talking about sexy stuff happens to be a favorite topic among women. Ain't that right, girls?" Ranma's eyes pop further from his head as four girls enter onto the stage. "Sure thing, sugar!" Ukyo exclaims, also dressed in a bunny suit (though hers is decorated with tiny glittering spatulas). "Shampoo like sex talk," Shampoo purrs, bounding on the stage dressed in a pink bikini, cat ears and a cat tail. "Ah, the sighs, the moans, the gasps...how can I not be drawn in," Kodachi murmurs. Her dress is the most scandalous of the four, as it is more like a midnight black dressing gown hanging open enough to cover her breasts. Fortunately, she is wearing her standard grey leotard beneath, so away, you Jennifer Lopez lusters. "RAN-MA!" Akane growls. She is only clad in a dark blue strapless gown that hugs her curves. She marches up to the hapless boy and snaps, "What makes you think that I don't like lemons?" "Er...ah...you calling me pervert all the time?" "Well, for your information, even *I* happen to like...stuff like that...every once in a while. Get over it. Besides," A wicked smile grows on her face and she leans over to whisper in his ear, "Once we get married, what do think *we'll* be doing?" Ranma replies by sporting a nosebleed and fainting on-stage, falling next to Ryoga, who had passed out when Akane had leaned over earlier. "Aiya!" Shampoo exclaims, "What you say to him?" "Nothing." Akane straightens. "Shall we get on with the presenting?" LaShawn winks. "You got it. The nominees for the best Lemon Fanfic are: "Body Heat" by Axel Terizaki Author E-mail: aterizak@club-internet.fr Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/ Evangelion/Lemon/eva.lemon.body-heat "Garden of EVA" by Jim Lazar Author E-mail: Fic is at http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime/geva/ "The Shikima Interface" by T H Tiger Author E-mail: Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/ Ranma/Lemon/The-Shikima-Interface/ "A Tale of Ten Yen" by D.F. Roeder Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.flash.net/~dfroeder/tenyen.html "Three Sisters' Tails" by Kanomi Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/stories/ranma/tst.txt "And the winner is," LaShawn says, opening the envelope. "A Tale of Ten Yen by D.F. Roeder!" General applause follows as Dave Roeder rushes up on stage from his seat in the audience. As he comes, he accidently trips and falls, grabbing for the first thing to break his fall. Unfortunately, this is Kodachi's breasts. "AUUUUUGH!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! CREEETIN!!!" A load of gymnastic pins pound into the hapless winner, and he stumbles forward, trying to steady himself. Unfortunately, he steadies himself right on Shampoo's chest. "EEEEEK!!! SHAMPOO NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL!! TAKE THAT!!" The poor sod gets knocked forward by a pair of bonbori, and gets his face planted in the bosom of Ukyo. "AIIIIEEEE!!! GET OFF ME, YA JERK!!!" Dave, his face decorated painfully with tiny, glittering spatulas, gets thrown forward. Fortunately, he falls face first in front of Akane. Unfortunately, his hands latch onto the front of her dress. There is a loud ripping sound. Then silence. Then-- "PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT!!!!!!" WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Finally Akane storms off, growling, "I can't believe Nabiki told me nothing would happen. I oughta give her a good pounding." The rest of the female cast follow, dragging the inert male cast behind them. LaShawn looks down at the now groaning winner and shakes her head. "Typical. So typical of a male lemon writer." She drops the Chickenball Award on his head and walks off, saying with a smile, "Hmmm...I wonder what my hubby is doing...all this action has me a bit...hungry..." (Somewhere on the north side of Chicago, LaShawn's husband shrieks.) A few moments later, Dave crawls painfully over to the podium and with some difficulty, manages to rise to his feet, trying to shake off his injuries as best he can. The audience is nice enough to give him a round of applause for his efforts as he steps up to the podium. *TAP, TAP* "Wow! I mean, I'm just stunned! Ah, let's see. My profuse thanks to Vincent Seifert for his excellent prereading, discussion sessions, and pictures of ten yen, heh. I also thank all those wonderful writers and readers who wrote in with comments or just a 'thumbs up.' My thanks also to Ranma for allowing to be in charge of, er, coin, um, place-- Er, never mind. "My, my. I suppose it's mildly ironic that perhaps one of the least-lemony lemons--" A young woman's roar is heard from the back of the audience. "*THERE* YOU ARE!!!" Everyone turns around to see onna-Ranma stalking down the aisle with a full head of steam and a blue battle-aura flickering into life. People begin edging away from the aisle. She is dressed in her usual red-and-black outfit, although it seems to be a little torn and much-abused. Dave bigsweats, but recovers. "Why, here she IS, Ladies and Gentlemen! The star of A Tale of--" "SHADDUP!!" A mightly leap lands Ranma in front of the podium. "ERK!!" Dave presents warding signs. "Haven't I suffered enough for one night?!?" Ranma plants her fists on her hips and glares. "So, Mr. 'Ten Yen!' How does it feel to win an award for turnin' me into a PIGGYBANK?!?!?!" "Uh... Aheh... Um... Good?" Dave begins to edge away from Ranma as her battle aura expands. "Oh, SUUURE it does! But not half as good as bein' a walkin' COIN OP MACHINE!!!" "Heh, now, Ranma. You *know* getting upset isn't going to--" "UPSET?! Bud, you don't know the MEANIN' of upset, yet!" Ranma blurs and vanishes, only to reappear behind Dave, locking his arm behind his back. "HEY! That HURTS!!" Ranma grins ferally and holds up a roll of ten yen coins. "Not NEARLY as much as THIS is goin' to! MUWAAAAHAHAHAAAAA!!!" Forcing Dave off the stage, Ranma pushes him back up the aisle, yelling at him the whole time. "Got any idea what it's like for someone to walk up, leer at ya, and ask ya ta MAKE CHANGE?!?!" "OW! Uh..." "I got freaks comin' up with treasure maps of my BUTT!!" "HAHA-- OOF!!" Ranma pulls her fist out of Dave's gut. "Yeah! Do YOU got guys comin' up, liftin' yer arm, and then pullin' it back down, waitin' for the jackpot ta come spillin' outta YOU-KNOW-WHERE?! I don't THINK sooo!!" "But, but, but--" "EXACTLY!!!" She holds up the roll of ten yen coins and giggles insanely. Ranma and a frightened Dave disappear out the doors at the top of the aisle. The audience stares after them for a long moment before returning their attention to Gary on stage. "And now, to present the next award, the Spammer of the Year...." Gary's eyes drift upwards towards the TelePrompTer. "Uh, Kasumi Tendo?" He scratches his head. "That can't be right...." "Oh my! Hello!" Everyone spins around. Kasumi stands behind Gary and Megane, dressed in plain white robes. "Gah!" Gary's eyes widen with shock. "Not *this* Kasumi!" "How's this Kasumi different from any other Kasumi?" Hiroshi asks with idle curiosity. Gary points toward the TV monitor on the wall near the ceiling. "Watch this film clip." * * * "Ka-- Kasumi!? What... what brings you here?" My stomach tightened as I remembered what time of year it was. Halloween meant open season on fanfiction authors. But why Kasumi? "Since I've learned so much in your story, I thought it would be only fair for me to give you a special technique of your own." Uh oh. "What do I have to do?" "Why, nothing! I just need to make a few alterations on your aura. They'll take effect over time." * * * "So you got revenged," Daisuke says. "But a new technique? What's so bad about that?" Gary looks up, and the clip continues. * * * I got to the stop just as the bus was loading. I jumped on at the last second as the driver nearly slammed the door on me. Geez, I thought, what's *his* problem? He didn't even look when I showed my pass. Then it all made sense. Hey, I may catch on slow, especially before nine in the morning, but I do catch on. I tested my idea by trying to attract the attention of the people on the bus. No one reacted to anything I did. I tried to concentrate, to feel my "aura", whatever that was. Nothing I did helped. Not knowing what else to do, I got on another bus and came home. I had nothing left to feel but frustration. Opening up one of my Viz Ranma issues, I found a picture of Kasumi. "Come back here and take this curse off!" I screamed. The picture didn't respond. It was no different than anyone else. * * * "Guys, what does this have to do with *anything?" Megane asks, irritated. "We're supposed to be presenting 'Spammer of the Year,' not plugging some two-and-a-half-year-old fic that nobody remembers anyhow." He nods to Kasumi, and she steps up to the podium. Gary fades quietly behind Hiroshi and Daisuke, who watch curiously. The audience claps, then falls silent. "Hello," Kasumi says. She looks down, then smiles warmly at the camera. "Do you want to get rid of FFML spam? Sure, we ALL do!" She raises a hand to her lip sheepishly. "Oh dear. I'm sorry, I have the wrong script. Just a moment." Rolling his eyes, Megane heaves a sigh. Kasumi shuffles the pile of papers in her hands, then continues. "Spammers. We all know how annoying they can be, how much they can disrupt the wonderful fanfics and C&C that our authors dedicate their time to. But has anyone ever considered things from the spammers' point of view? Has anyone ever thought to ask why they do what they do, what is it that their lives lack?" The audience murmurs for a moment, then begins to call out answers. "Money?" "Traveling Wilbury CDs?" "Churches?" "Pork luncheon meat?" "Spiritual fulfillment?" "Sex?" Daisuke offers. Kasumi beams proudly. "That's right! Attention!" The audience nods. "I knew that," Megane says. Hiroshi whispers to Daisuke, "You were close." "For spammers, attention is a drug, an addiction for which the only cure is cold turkey. I mean that figuratively, not that they should actually be given cold turkey, though it can make a fine dish when served with a side of... well, never mind. I digress." Megane takes the "Get on with it!" sign from Gary and holds it up. Kasumi clears her throat slightly. "Before I announce the winner, a special honorable mention goes out to someone who went by the name 'John Slim.' That's not his real name, but at the request of the FFML administration we've agreed not to reveal his actual identity as long as he makes no attempt to rejoin the list. Mister 'Slim' posted the 'TO ALL TYBALTERS A FLAME FOR YOU' message, making a blatantly false accusation against one of the former moderators. The list population was so appalled that everyone and his cousin felt the need to write and post MSTings of his rant, thus compounding the level of spam even further. "And now, the winner. The author of so many pointless spam posts, she was such an overwhelming favorite in the first round that no second-round voting was necessary." Kasumi carefully digs into the envelope with a fingernail, making a neat cut across the top, and pulls out a slip of paper. "And the winner is...." Her eyes widen as she stares at the paper. "Oh my!" "What now?" Megane groans. "Look at that." Kasumi holds up the paper. "I don't see any name written here." "That's okay, we know who it is," Megane says. "It's that... that person... what'sername. Roberta? No, that's not it...." "Um, yeah, I know who you mean," Gary said. "Um... her. Is she here?" Megane looks around. "I guess not." A man in the third row of the audience stands. "She's over here, right next to me." He turns to the seat adjacent to him; it's empty. "Um... who were we talking about again?" "Hey, just a minute." Megane's head turns. "Did you hear something?" The room falls silent as a ghostly chill blows through. A cry of anguish prickles against everyone's senses, a voice ear-splittingly loud yet inaudible. *I'm HERE, you idiots! Why can't you see me?! Why won't you LISTEN to me?? I'm here! HERE!!!* "No," Kasumi says. "We didn't hear anything." "Oh. Just checking." She begins to walk off stage, then pauses, her eyes fixing on an empty chair. "Oh, it's not a very tasty dish, I know," she says to no one. "But it's important nutrition that a growing girl needs." With that, she steps out of sight. There's an awkward pause for a moment. "Sooo..." Megane says. "Next?" Gary coughs, and says, sounding a little embarassed: "Uh, well, this is usually the place where we'd give out the award for Best Fight Scene... but there's no award being given this year. To explain why, here's... Evil Doctor Tofu 343, of the Interdimensional League of Evil Doctor Tofus!" 343 walks onto the stage. He is dressed in a black leather tuxedo. With spikes. "Good evening, worms!" A few scattered boos are silenced by 343's terrifying glare, which seems to glow slightly red. "I, Evil Doctor Tofu 343, am from an alternate world where all the Ranma cast you know and love is evil--but I am the most evil of all. Wahahaha!" He does the glaring thing some more. "I am a psychopathic, sorcerous, immortal demon who worships Cthulhu and Bill Gates, and I laughed at the end of Grave of the Fireflies. You are pitiful beings before my evil might!" Backstage, Megane grabs Alan Harnum by the collar of his lumberjack shirt. "You said you could control him," he snarls, shaking Alan back and forth. "You said he was rehabilitated!" "I thought he was," Alan says. "Err... sorry." Back at the podium, 343 laughs. "There is no award for Best Fight Scene tonight because, like the sad insects you are, NONE OF YOU VOTED FOR THE SAME FIGHT SCENE TWICE! Thus, so many fight scenes received equal votes that to include them all on the ballot was unfeasible; hang your heads in shame, worms! Your 'freedom of opinion' and 'independent minds' has robbed you of an award for Best Fight Scene!" Some members of the audience (the younger ones, mostly) begin to cry. 343 snarls. "Silence! Now, witness MY--" But, lo! A distant barking sounds! 343 pales. "No... no... not them! It can't be!" Yet it is! The doors burst open, and a horde of stout-hearted, heroically rabid wild dogs rushes in in a tide of baying and mangy fur. The dogs run down the aisles in howling packs and rush the stage. 343 raises his hand to the sky. "Defend me, my demon army!" There's a huge fight, and it's all very impressive and all, and everyone's life is changed, and lots of big cool words are used, like "eidolon" and "xenolith" and "susurration" and "tintinnabulation" and "barcalounger", but we had to cut it for time. Anyway, next award. What? What? Stop looking at me like that, damn it! As the mass carnage continues, Megane 6.7 rushes out on stage and up to the podium. "And now for something completely different... here now is an excerpt from an interview that Zoogz did with Scott "SKJAM!" Jamison and also Scott "Zagyg" Johnson. We hope this will sufficently drive you to distraction while we dispose of the bodies and soak up all the blood on-stage. Enjoy!" *** Zoogz: Okay... to the fic. How does one go about writing a colloboration [like Ma Vie et Roses]? Who starts the process and who continues it? SKJAM: Well, generally, Mr. Johnson sets the scene, and I provide Skyler's reaction, then he has the main cast react, then I have Skyler react to that, ad infinitum. Zoogz: Is this done through email, or a medium such as IM or ICQ? Also, is this a one scene at a time production? Zagyg: Email, exclusively. We've met a few times in person to plot out a general direction, but even then we flesh it out via email. And we sometimes work on two or more scenes simultaneously, though when we started out we were mostly doing single scenes, to set up the continuity better. SKJAM: Sometimes we work three or four scenes at a time, if they don't look like they'll contradict each other. Zoogz: I take it the plotting and writing is going much smoother now than when you started... SKJAM: Skyler's a bit easier to write, but since the plot is beginning to deviate, I suspect the plotting is getting trickier. Zagyg: And now that we've got a status quo set up, we're taking more definite directions with the plot.... ...Zoogz: Well, what is your overall opinion of Shoujo Kakumei Utena? Both from the man who saw it and the man who didn't. SKJAM: It sounds interesting. Zoogz: Something you have a hard time keeping away from considering the project you're writing, SK? SKJAM: Yup. Zagyg: For my part, it's one of the best anime I've seen, right up there with, say, _serial experiments lain._ There's depth, there's layers and layers of meaning, there's twisted characterization, there's kangaroos and old-fashioned swordfights. What's not to love....? ... Zoogz: Are there any prereaders you'd like to thank, or is Ma Vie et Roses a direct-release fic? SKJAM: Tiamat! Zagyg: We each have a few of our own... mine are mostly friends from RL and one or two from the Utena net community. (Debbie, Martha, Katy, Utena, hi!) (For the Complete Interview: Visit http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/CB/cb1999interviews.txt ) *** Spotlights illuminate the stage. Megane and Gary crawl back and forth on stage, pooper-scoopers in hand. "Er... could someone announce the next award, please?" Megane asks. "My hands are kinda dirty right now." The announcer's voice booms, "And now, presenting the award for 'Best New Character', is Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison... wait up." The announcer pauses in mid-announce as it seems he is conferring with the other members of the booth above the main seating area. The microphone continues to work, and the low whisper of control room murmurs carries over the crowd. "Sorry about that pause, ladies and gentlemen... let me do that again. Here, to present the award for 'Best New Character' is the author of 'Sauce' and 'Ma Vie Et Roses', SKJAM!" The crowd starts to applaud as a man walks onto the stage from the right. He sports a black suit with a deep blue shirt and blue satin bow-tie at the collar, and has longer hair and a beard. He walks up to the microphone and announces, "Due to a few technical difficulties, the presentation of 'Best New Character' will be delayed for a short spell. Bear with us and we should have the problem worked out in a jiffy." He turns toward the backstage area and inquires, "Would someone like to help me out here? Preferably armed?" "Count me out! I'm presenting in a few minutes and I don't want to get... oh well!" Steve "Nightman" Cornette says from offstage. "Not to mention I have to co-host with Ran from UY. My fetish for dangerous redheads is going to get me killed one of these days!" "Get out here!" "Okay..." Another man enters the stage area in a blue suit. However, the heavy blunt instrument in his right hand draws more attention. Both jump off of the stage into the crowd area, and start to run up the aisle towards the back. After a couple seconds, the sound of a door closing echoes through the hall. Then the announcer's microphone blares to life, despite the fact that it is covered again. "Now look," says the man in the black suit, "I am not, nor ever was SKJAM. I would think he is more than smart enough not to use his own name to create a pseudonym!" "But that's what the card says. Scott Jamison." "There is a *nickname* that goes along with that. Now, I heard you say it the first time...." "I'm just following what I'm supposed to say." A long sigh sounds over the speakers outside, and then someone searching in a pocket. "Okay, if you want proof then here's proof. I had to fly all the way from Japan to be here tonight to help Megane 6.7 out. And to boot, the Canadians harassed me at customs!" The speakers fell silent for two seconds. "Here is my passport. It will show that my name is Scott Jamison, and that I don't live in Minnesota." "Maybe SKJAM! just wants to hide his presence." "Nightman... get him." The crowd is treated to the sounds of a struggle. The microphone's source of muting seems to slip every now and again, and as a result many unusual sounds broadcast over the hall's sound system. After the ruckus, a call comes from the booth, this time in a different voice. "Meg... might you be able to introduce our violent friend here?" asks Steven. From the backstage comes a small clatter and then Megane 6.7 pops up from nowhere. "Nabiki didn't have to charge *that* much for the lava soap... Anyway, who we *really* have to present the award for 'Best New Character' is Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison! A warm round of applause for the announcer he and our next presenter Steven Cornett just beat on too!" The crowd claps as the two men stride back to the stage. The man in the black suit straightens his bowtie, and the other man looks a bit disheveled but wears a large grin. As the two men arrive to stage they shake hands. "Remember, you still owe me C&C," the one with the club admonishes as he retreats off-stage while the one with the black suit and beard marches to the podium. "Well, at least someone can get it right. Anyway, folks, I am Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison, not to be confused with the man who writes the revengefics. And you're stuck with me. "Anyway, Megane 6.7 asked me to present the award for 'Best New Character' at these awards, and that spurred me to reread some of these works, some of the best fics that I've seen lately. "However, we're here to salute these stories for the characters they created. They run the gamut from the hard-shooting and hard- talking Tracer to Skyler Sands' incredible record of bumbling. Here are the characters that were most-liked, and therefore nominated for the 'Best New Character' award! "In alphabetical order... because I'm too lazy to do anything else: -- Akiko Langley Ikari from "HERZ" by E.L. Toh Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/HERZ.htm -- Akira from "Nature of the Curse" by Douglass MacDougal Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.dougmacd.net/ -- Anjin Tetsuko from "Last One Standing" by Mike Loader Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/los.html -- Caravan by Matt Johnston Author's E-mail: -- Chrysolite from "Version 2.0" by Mark Latus Author E-mail: Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/anime-fan-works/ Sailor-Moon/Sailor-Moon-Expanded/sm.sme.v2.0-parts1-8.gz -- Cyanide from "Eclipse of the Moon" by Miashara Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.execulink.com/~stryker -- Skyler Sands from "Ma Vie et Roses" by Scott Jamison & Scott Johnson Author E-mail: , Fic is at: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990 -- Tracer from "Terrible Things to Waste" by Bastion Author E-mail: Fic is at http://solo.abac.com/moonromance.com/b.htm "And the grand winner...." Zoogz opens the envelope provided and pulls out a piece of paper. "Is... Akiko Langley Ikari from 'HERZ' by E.L. Toh!" Zoogz cedes the mike for the first time in two minutes and returns backstage to confer with Steven for a couple seconds as Ayanami Rei, resplendent in a lilac evening gown and pearl necklace, rises from the audience and walks up to the podium. "I am the thirtieth-fourth and I accept this Chicken Ball Award on behalf of my employer. Though he is unable to be physically present at this ceremony, he would still like to say a few words," says Rei XXXIV. She then places a small device on the podium which projects a hologram of an ominous black monolith. Hanging three feet above the stage floor, it is emblazoned in red letters reading 'E.L. Toh - TEXT ONLY.' "Is this thing on?" booms the monolith. "Yes," replies Rei XXXIV in her usual monotone. "Oh. Err. Okay. I'm a little surprised to win this since Akiko was a relatively minor character in HERZ. I guess people like the idea of Shinji and Asuka having a bright and thoroughly kawaii child. "Anyhows I'd like to thank Andrew Huang, the grand old man of Eva fanfiction, for all his encouragement. Never could have gotten started without the inspiration of his writing and his kind words of advice. "Thanks also to Joyce K Wakabayashi for sharing her thoughts and being an immense help in getting my female characterization sharpened up. To Alain Gravel and Jonathan Wang for their unstinting support. To Jerico Mele and David Johnston of the FFML. And to all those who emailed and voted for Akiko and HERZ. Thank you all. Yipee!!! You know the great thing about these monoliths is that no one can see you do a silly dance of joy." Rei XXXIV sighs imperceptibly. "Oh yes, and my gratitude also goes out to Alan Harnum for correcting my name on the voting scripts. Ethnic Chinese people have our family names in front, unless we have Christian names. So sometimes we get addressed by the back end of our given names. All very irritating. When I finally conquer the world, the first thing I will do is to decree that surnames will be put in front. On pain of death. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" "You are embarrassing me," states Rei XXXIV flatly, "I do not believe that is included in my job description as bodyguard." "Awww Rei, please don't be mad," grovels the voice from the monolith, "I'll give you a raise. And cook you a nice dinner." "Do I get to keep the dress and necklace?" "Yes." "Umm. Okay." With that, Rei XXXIV picks up the comms projector and makes her exit via the backstage. She has a faint air of triumph around her as the monolith trails after her like a puppy. Meanwhile, Gary walks back out on-stage to announce the next presenter. "Well folks, you've seen the best, it's only fair that we now present the category for 'Worst New Character'. And here to present this category is the author of 'Ran's Fanfic Theater' and 'Ryuunosuke - Daughters and Their Mothers', Mr. Steven Cornett! "Here comes trouble..." a male voice interjects as its owner crosses to the podium from stage right. The man, Steven Cornett, wears a blue suit and sports jacket with burgundy tie accented by a diamond tie tack. "...and make it a mint chocolate chip! Yum!!!" a lilting female voice answers. The redhead who just botched the comeback line, Ran as it turns out, approaches the podium from stage left. She is dressed in a dark green one-piece, and is wearing a noticeably large emerald at the bottom of a silver necklace. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed the pleasant presentation of Best New Character..." Steven begins. "Because now we share with you the *pain* that is the Ruri: the Chicken Ball award for *Worst* New Character!" Ran concludes. "Yes, indeed. Ran and I are here to award that...dubious new character whose traits are too perfect, whose flaws are non- existent or way to cool to be believed, or is in some way utterly annoying." "That character whose actions scream from the page... 'Mary Sue!'" Ran interjects. "Fanfic readers from around the world have voted on the new character that most irks them. They didn't have to dislike the fic, but if they loved the story, it was in spite of, not because of the character." Ran takes out the paper with the list and announces the "lucky" nominees as the drum rolls. "The nominees are:" "'God' from Matthew Maddocks's 'Baneful Revelations.'" Steven begins. Author E-mail: "Jake from Paul Cousins' 'Bubblegum Blade,'" Ran announces. Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/ BubbleGum_Blade_Chapter_One[Format_Problems_Fixed][FFML][REPOST].txt "Lisa Foster from Guant's 'Cruel Lina's Thesis.'" Author E-mail: "Fujiwara-sensei from Bert Miller's much a-done 'Much Ado About Ranma.'" Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Much-Ado-About-Ranma/ "And another possible vote getter for the Eva block, D.J. Croft from Ben Hutchins' epic 'Neon Exodus Evangelion,'" Steven continues. Author E-mail: gryphon@eyrie-productions.com Fic is at: http://www.eyrie-productions.com/ "And finally," Ran concludes, "Foam from Trakal's war fic, 'Tortured Echo.'" Author E-mail: trakal@map.com Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Lemon/ranma.lemon.tortured-echo In true team style, Steven hands Ran the envelope with the recipient's name. Ran opens it, reads it, then shouts, "And yet another win for the Eva block... D.J. Croft from 'Neon Exodus Evangelion!'" The audience goes wild! Catcalls and other loud noises greet D.J. as he bounds down the aisle and steps up to the stage to receive his well deserved award! Steven greets the British protégé of Wesley Crusher as he hands him the chrome statue of Ruri (from Nadesco) in profile with eyelid pulled down and tongue out in the classic "Bee..dah" pose! "All I can say is: once your name was in the list of final nominees...well, that was that!" "Well I do say this is a great honor. Quite a tribute to the years of entertainment I've given my reading public..." the overly-precocious adolescent begins as he turns an appraising eye to Steven's co-host, "to say *nothing* of the pleasure I've given to members of the, shall we say, fairer sex." D.J. approaches Ran as he continues, taking a moment to kiss her hand. "You, love, with eyes the color of the darkest burgundies of France, and hair of a loveliness that exceeds even that of my dearest Asuka... you are a beauty that matches even that of the green hills of Britain." He hardly notices that his attentions are having the opposite effect than intended, and even fails to notice Ran's whispers of "Sekebe freak!" "My," Ran begins with fake breathlessness, "I'd love to continue this but our time runs short. Perhaps we can continue this backstage...?" She points stage right and starts on her way, D.J. eagerly following. Steve watches until Ran gives a swiping gesture across her throat, unseen by the youthful paramour. "You know what I said about that moment of pain?" Steven concludes before exiting stage left, "I think 'merry ole' D.J. Croft's... is *about* to begin!" In the moments before the next presenters arrive, a soft sucking sound of D.J.'s youth being siphoned off can be heard. A short monk sitting next to Megane 6.7 intones between sips of tea, "Such an unfortunate, arrogant, and lecherous lad... reminds me of Ataru. Oh well, this is fate!" The audience laughs as Gary steps out on-stage to announce the next presenter. "And now, here to present the award for "Sickest Fanfic of 1999'' is the author of *A Tale of Ten Yen* and *The Accidental Goddess*, Let's give it up for D.F. Roeder!" A tall, bearded man limps on-stage, still bruised from his earlier encounter with the lovely ladies of Ranma 1/2. He is wearing a black plastic tuxedo and pushing a three-foot cube of solid wood on casters. He stops, kicks the locks on the wheels down, and stares glumly out at the audience for a second, his left eye ticking. Shaking his head, he walks back offstage. Murmurs run rampant among the authors, family, and friends gathered for this important occasion. The man reappears, now pushing a cloth laundry basket. The basket is positioned next to the wooden cube. He reaches into the basket and pulls out a large wooden mallet, "Tendou Nabiki Enterprises, Inc." clearly emblazoned on the head. He sets the mallet down on the cube and steps up to the podium, taking a sheet of stained paper from his inner coat pocket. He opens his mouth to speak, but gags. Setting the paper down, he reaches into another pocket, retrieves a bottle of Kaopectate, and downs the contents. "Aaah. Better." Throwing the empty bottle over his shoulder, he picks up the paper again. "Good... *urp* Evening. My name is *urp-urp... bleah* Dave Roeder, and I am presenting the Chicken Ball... Oog. Just the thought of chicken balls makes me ill on top of the nominees. Oh, gomen. Anou..." Gary Kleppe runs onstage and hits Dave on the back of the head and runs offstage, never really stopping but waving merrily and screaming, "Enough with the gratuitous Japanese already!" Silence, as Dave's left eye ticks furiously, then, "Um... I am presenting the award for the Sickest Fic of 1999. The nominees are: -- "Christmas at SubZero" by Jodie Williams Author E-mail: hentai@prowrestling.com Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Lemon/ranma.lemon.christmas-at-subzero -- "Furimbine: Ukyou Goes Postal" by Yoru-Hikage Author E-mail: yoru@mindspring.com Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.furimbine-ukyou-goes-postal -- "Garden of EVA" by Jim Lazar Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime/geva/ -- "Kanashii no Imi" by 'Leaf-chan' Author E-mail: leaf_chan@excite.com Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/ Kanashii_no_Imi[FFML][Fanfic][Tenchi][Dark][Lemon].txt -- "Pokejoint" by C-dogg Author E-mail: Bigc123485@aol.com Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/ Pokejoint[FFML][pokemon][spamfic][revised].txt -- "Riding the wild horse" by Mike Simmons Author E-mail: msimmons@bcgroup.net Fic is at: http://ronin.anime-manga.net -- "Ruxpin the metal Idol by Aaron Sattuck Author E-mail: dilandau2@hotmail.com Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~floot -- "Tortured Echo" by Trakal Author E-mail: trakal@map.com Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Lemon/ranma.lemon.tortured-echo Elder Cologne pogoes out on her staff, wearing a slinky evening gown and lots and lots of candy-apple red lipstick. In her claws rests the envelope to announce the winner. A rumble rises and falls from the audience, as several hundred stomachs gurgle in protest at the scene before them. Both eyes ticking, Dave cautiously reaches forward and snatches the envelope from the ugly little gnome's claws. He breathes a huge sigh of relief. Cologne jumps down from her staff and bows to the audience. Everyone can see down her dress. "Oh, god..." "Ewww..." "Aw, maaan. I just ate..." Cologne straightens, much to everyone's relief. "Thank you all! I love you just too, toooooo much!" She trundles offstage, blowing huge kisses. The sounds of retching can be heard from various points on- and offstage. Dave collects his meager wits and several jerking body parts into a semblance of decorum. "On that... *urp* note, the winner is..." He looks at the paper and nods. He places the paper gingerly on the podium and walks over to the large, wooden cube and laundry basket. Dave picks up the mallet and then rummages in the basket, pulling out a Teddy Ruxpin talking toy and setting it on the block. Dave is little more than a collection of ticks, jerks, and tremors at this point. Frothy spittle runs down his chin. "The winner is..." *BAM!* Bits of fake fur, plastic, metal, and assorted red fluids for effect spew out and rain down on the audience. "'RUXPIN, THE METAL IDOL', BY AARON SHATTUCK!!" Another toy is set on the block. "BaaaAAAD TEDDY!!" *BAM!* "HAAHAHAHAAAA!!!" Another. *BAM!* "NONONONOOOO. I AIN'T GONNA BE *YOUR* FRIEND!!!" Another. "EAT *MY* HEART, WILL YOU?!?!" *BAM!* Four chains arc down from the catwalk area and wrap tightly around Dave, who continues to try to smash another toy. "HAAAAHAHAHAAAA!!! NONONONOOO!!! BAAAD TEDDY!!!" Mousse jumps down and ties the chains off. With a salute to the audience, he flings a single chain back up into the catwalks and pulls himself out of view. There is scattered applause. "I'LL GET YOU, TEDDY!!" Dave hops over to the laundry basket, bends over, and then straightens with another Teddy Ruxpin held in his teeth. Fortunately, Ranma, leading Ryouga, run on-stage, pick Dave up, and haul him into the wings. Dave screeches until a loud, meaty thud is heard, and then everything grows quiet Soon the crickets in the audience go wild as absolutely no one rises to receive their due recognition. Gary hastily makes his way out onto the stage and scans the rows of faces for the telltale signs of guilt, but only encounters looks of confusion, boredom, and a disturbingly intense desire for "Honey Combs" cereal. He scratches his head and checks his watch, making a mental note to flog someone for that last product placement. "Well, I guess Aaron isn't-" "Hold on!" A small gnome scrambles onto the stage, his face marked red from the effort of the climb. He wears a dress made of credit cards (three, to be exact) and a long chain, which runs from a collar on his neck to the unseen depths of the crowd below. Gary looks down at this unexpected arrival for a few seconds and then with a shrug, bends to place the award on the ground beside him. "Hey, folks," says the little bearded man. "Chippy the Transvestite Gnome, here. I'm afraid I'll have to accept this on Aaron's behalf, as he has recently nailed himself to his seat by his wrists and ankles." "I'm Jesus!" screams a voice from the crowd. "I'm Jesus! I'm Jesus! Hey Chippy, tell them about how I'm Jesus today!" Chippy scowls, and shudders noticeably. "Yes, that'd be him. Anyhow, as long as I'm here, I think some recognition is in order. You see, although Aaron wrote (and I of course use the term loosely) the particular piece of fiction which earned this honor, he alone cannot take credit for it. No friends, that claim is one that also belongs to you. Yes, all of you. For you see, you allowed this to happen. Rather than putting a stop to what you must have known was wrong (so very very wrong) you, much like the people of Germany during the period between 1933 and 1945, simply allowed the horror to take place. By letting him inflict it upon the world, each and every one of you is as responsible for 'Ruxpin: The Metal Idol' as that bleeding lump of white trash that now sits amongst you. And for that, you deserve absolutely nothing but abhorrence and scorn. Oh yes... and this award." After several failed attempts to lift the statuette, Chippy resorts to dragging it off the stage. There is little applause. "I'm Jesus! I'm Jesus! Oscar can be the Holy Ghost if he wants, but I'm-Hey! Jesus never had a gag! He had a crown of thorns and stuff, but not a gag! Why're you mrgglmrphmpmfft!" The applause improves considerably while in the audience, Vince Seifert shakes his head. "Poor Dave. He read that one story and just lost it completely. Oh, well." He spies Douglas MacDougall seated a ways down from him. "Hey, Doug. Can you pre-read for me?" Meanwhile, the announcer's voice booms again. "And now to present the award for 'Best Fanfic of 1998', here is Megane 6.7! Yayyyyy!" The CB band strikes up the bouncy theme to Pumaman as Megane makes his way to the podium, accompanied by the Dominion Puma Twins. There are a number of loud wolf whistles and cheers as the twins are clad in matching crushed velvet low-cut dresses with a see-through black fabric covering their ample chests. Megane wraps an arm around both their waists as he exclaims in an exaggerated game show-esque voice, "BIG MONEY! BIG PRIZES! I LOVE IT!!!" The Puma Twins giggle as Megane arranges a couple of note cards before starting his speech. "As you know, last year I was unable to do a Chicken Ball Award ceremony for 1998 due to a very busy semester of college, some RL stuff that kept me busy and distracted, and because the last awards, while fun, took a great deal of work and a lot of late nights to put together and when it was finally done, I was simply burned out...." "Wuss!" a voice calls out from the audience. Megane smiles and nods at the Puma twins who both proceed to crack their knuckles and then simultaneously leap across the orchestra pit and over the heads of the surprised audience members to land on either side of the offender. They each grab an arm and drag him off to the back of the theater where the sounds of a severe beating and anguished screaming are quickly silenced by a series of loud snapping noises. The audience applauds nervously as Anna and Uni Puma both walk back up the aisle and up onto the stage to resume their places at Megane's side. "It's good ta be da host...." Megane remarks in his best Brooksian Brooklyn accent before resuming his speech. "I realize that a single award will not be enough to honor all the fanfics written in 1998 that deserve to be recognized and honored for their individual achievements, but it is my hope that that when you see the nominees for this award and read their works, that it will encourage you to seek out others written in 1998 and further back and help keep the memory of those fics alive in the readers' minds." Megane moves aside to let Anna Puma take the mike. "Here, now, are the following nominees for the Chicken Ball Award's 'Best Fanfic of 1998' .... -- "Hearts of Ice" by Krista Perry Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.akane.org/heartsofice.html -- "Ranma & Akane: A Love Story" by Eric Hallstrom Author's E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.kawaiikunee.com/slp/R&A-ALS.html -- "Slayers Reflect/Chaos/Rebirth" trilogy by Stephan 'Twoflower' Gagne Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/ -- "Stellarcraft" by Eric Warner Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.aaanime.net/pmak/ukyou/fics1.shtml -- "Waters Under the Earth" by Alan Harnum Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/wue.html "And the winner is...." Anna slowly begins to open the letter, only to have Uni grab it from her. "Hey, it's my turn to do something!" Uni snarls as she tears open the envelope and is about to announce the winner when Anna snatches it back and quickly speaks into the microphone. "The winner is... ACK!!!" Anna screeches as Uni suddenly jumps on her back, pulling her hair and trying to scratch at her eyes. "H-hey! Take it easy! This isn't the time or place for this!" Megane exclaims as he tries to reason with them, to no avail. Anna frantically tries to shake her sister off, spinning around in a circle and bucking like a furious bull with a cowboy on its back. Megane takes a deep breath and wraps his arms around Uni's waist, trying to pull her off, only to find himself being tossed around at will. "W-whoa! Y-you're gonna get us killed! STOP!!!" Megane protests as Uni refuses to relinquish her grip. Then Anna moves a little too far forward and all three of them scream as they fall headfirst into the orchestra pit with a loud crash, sheet music flying around everywhere. The crowd instantly breaks into a thunderous chant of ECW! ECW! ECW! as the sound of abused band instruments and ripping of clothes is drowned out. Then a pair of hands, one of them holding a piece of paper between its fingers, grips the edge of the pit as a disheveled and disoriented Megane pulls himself out of the pit and stumbles over to the podium. Taking a moment to fix his shredded tie, he glances at the piece of paper in his hand and says: "And the winner is...." Megane pauses for a moment to spit out a tooth. before continuing "...is the "Slayers Reflect/Chaos/Rebirth" trilogy by Stephan 'Twoflower' Gagne! C-Congratulations!" Megane wobbles for a moment as he adds: 'By the way, could someone please call... an ambulance? I seem to be... bleeding internally...." is all that he can get out as he collapses on the stage, twitching. In a fit of absolute excitement, Twoflower explodes. Wait! That's not entirely true. No, in actuality, in a fit of absolute excitement, he makes a beeline for the stage, bounds up the stairs six at a time before realizing there are less than six stairs and falling flat on his face ONLY TO RISE ONCE MORE and jog right to the podium and avoid stabbing the microphone up his nose, for that would just be kind of silly. Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne clears his throat, takes out the sixty seven page bound acceptance speech he prepared, and begins to speak. "I'd like to thankEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE----" He pauses, and waits for the feedback to clear. "...right. Anyway! I'd like to thank my readers, first, foremost, and in most prominent status. I've never really subscribed to the 'art for art's sake' theory... I write for an audience, and the more they're entertained, the more I've succeeded. All the letters, the feedback, the posts to the fic's message boards and so on... I've loved it all, and it's what kept me going from the apparently award winning Reflect right through Chaos, ReBirth, and Demiurge. THANK you all! The free ice cream and heroin will be made available behind the building after the show in return. "Next, I gotta thank the Improfanfic rocksteady crew, word homey dope fresh G. A more chaotic, crazy, and above all scarily interesting bunch of people you will never meet. Thanks go out to my sister, John Biles, Lee Thompson, the Keep gang, and all sorts of others for encouragement and ideas. "Finally, I've got to thank the fanfic community at large... I'm glad to see a rise in non-Ranma fanfic, in experimental forms of fanfic, and other great innovations. I highly encourage other authors to just GO for it -- no matter how weird, no matter how non-standard, no matter how risky the material. Don't be afraid to miss the mainstream mark. If I hadn't dared to stray from my usual material, Slayers Reflect would never have gotten written. I haven't looked back once. So, in summary, quid pro quo; THANK YOU!" After a few more 'gosh golly gee' grinning takes, he turns to leave... then quickly jumps back one second. "While I've got the podium," he adds, "I was wondering, can anybody give me a ride home after the show? Someone jacked my car." As Twoflower leaves the stage, searching for a kindly Samaritan, Megane 6.7 is still lying prone on the stage. A moment later, Gary rushes on-stage, accompanied by Hiroshi and Daisuke dressed as nurses. Ignoring the cracking of bones and plantive screams of Megane as they work to patch him up, Gary turns to speak to the audience. "Um, I guess this would be a good a time as any to show another excerpt of an interview conducted by David 'Fido' Lindquist with Ronny Hedin. Enjoy!" *** Fido: Let's start off with a simple question...What started you into writing fanficion? Ronny: Well. I've been interested in reading and writing since I was rather young. I chanced upon the RAAC archives when I'd just recently become more majorly interested in anime/manga than before, and success was given. Caught up reading a lot of stuff, and eventually, of course, I just wanted to write something of my own.... Fido: Out of curiosity, do you think fanfiction can influence Anime viewing habits? Ronny: Probably, yeah. If nothing else, it's happened that a crossover have put my attention on a series I might not have heard of before. And I certainly doubt I would be fully as heavily into it by now if not for fanfics drawing me even deeper; though that goes the other way around as well. Fido: What series do you normally write about? Ronny: I've written mainly - but not exclusively - Ranma fanfics, and most of the ideas I have lying in my brain are still for Ranma fanfics. Fido: Some people say that Ranma is about played out fanfiction wise. Do you think that's true? Ronny: Frankly, I think those people are full of sh*t. There's plenty of things left to explore about Ranma to make it worthwhile, and old ideas can still be done BETTER; most of the fanfics currently posted just keep ignoring that and stomping the same old ground. [Ronny shifts slightly in his chair.] Ronny: If I didn't think I had Ranma ideas still worth writing, well, obviously I wouldn't be doing it. Fido: Change of subject; what inspired you to write 'For you?" Confidently, I have NO clue whatsoever as to what I am doing so just smile and nod alot...also praying for me would help too. Ronny: Heh. [Fido grins] Ronny: To quote the afterword / author's notes to that fic: "I've totally forgotten where the heck I got the inspiration for this one." I know it started with the idea of the first and the last scene and the connection between them, but where it came from, I no longer have any idea. I probably thought of it while taking a dump, that's where I seem to get most of my ideas. Fido: A bathroom sadfic? [Ronny smiles] Fido: What was your reaction to being nominated for Best Sadfic? Ronny: I was surprised for one thing; I certainly don't consider myself one of the better writers on the list. At the same time, I didn't really intend FY as a "sadfic" as such, either. I dunno whether to be depressed about the low standards that allows my crap to be worthy of this nomination or honored that someone found it good enough.... (For the Complete Interview: Visit http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/CB/cb1999interviews.txt ) *** All is quiet on-stage, and then John Biles falls from the rafters, hanging from a bungee cord that proves to be a little too long. After a set of stagehands dig him out of the floor, he staggers over to the microphone. "Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers...wait, this isn't Gettysburg." He tosses his notecards aside and says, "Which ceremony...oh yeah. I'm here to present the award for the category 'Fanfic Hall of Fame'. Some stories get only fifteen minutes of fame, while others endure in memory forever, even if we don't want them to. Better yet are those who stick in our mind because of the powerful images they convey, the creativity they show, the hope or fear or desire they inspire, and the cherished place they gain in our heart (or the absolute terror they instill in our minds). Such stories we now honor. "The five inductees into the Fanfic Hall of Fame, also known as the Test of Time category encompass a wide range of genres and styles, though all make use of the characters of the same series, Ranma 1/2. This year's award winners are:" -- "Change of Scene" by June 'KaraOhki' Geraci Author's E-mail: Fics is at: http://www.karaohki.com KaraOhki walks up to the podium and accepts her award. "Just before Rumiko Takahashi ended Ranma 1/2, a friend showed up at my house with some fanfiction he'd printed out for me. Not having a computer, I'd never heard of it. The stories in question were chapters of DNR, and the story 'Predator and Prey.' I was hooked, and begged for more. "The more I read, the more I thought 'I could do this! But no one will want to read it.' Then I found out about the end of the manga, and wanted to continue the story--my way. So I started on my old klunky typewriter and had a lot of A Change of Scene written before we finally got a computer in the house. "Joining the FFML and submitting the first chapters was one of the most frightening things I ever did in my life. I fully expected to be ignored or scorned. The fact that people read COS and ask for more still amazes me, and I thank all of you for nominating and electing it to the Hall of Fame. "I think I'll sit in the corner and eat my carrots now." -- "Hearts of Ice" by Krista Perry Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.akane.org/heartsofice.html Somebody finds Krista hiding under the refreshment table surrounded by the unfortunate remains of the brownie tray, and a ravaged 12-can case of Mountain Dew. She's wearing ratty jeans and her trusty "Furinkan High Athletic Department" t-shirt (as if that could make up for the fact that the only remotely athletic thing she does is sprint for the bus each morning when she's late for work). Looking up from an old, stained pad of paper that she has covered with incoherent scribbles, she freezes as she realizes she's been discovered. "Uh... hi there." She grins sheepishly, as she tries in vain to hide the brownie tray. "Uh... Thanks for all your support. This is a great honor, but I couldn't have stuck with writing Hearts of Ice if it hadn't been for all the support I've received from readers over the past... um... four years. Yeek! That's a long time... Um... I'm working on the end right now, I swear!" She looks down and writes, while muttering, "Ending... must...not... suck." Then, realizing people are still staring, she grins sheepishly. "Um... that's it, I'm not really good at speeches... especially when I'm on a sugar high... Um, hey, before you put the table cloth back down, could you hand me a couple of those lemon squares I saw up there?" -- "The Bitter End" by Zen Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html Ukyou runs on-stage and steps up to the podium. "Hi there! Zen's involved with the Revenge Wars right now and couldn't be here to accept this award immediately. So, I'll just accept it on his behalf and put it in the fridge so it'll be nice and fresh when he gets here! Seeya later!" -- "The More Things Change" by RpM Author E-mail: , Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~rpm/fanfic Rod blinks, scratches his head, then walks up to take the award. "Classic... classic... I dunno, I can't read TMTC anymore without cringing at some of the things I did. Never woulda had so many crossover references, first of all. Then... ah, heck with it, there's too many things. I'd rant all night. "But.... on the whole... yeah, I'd like to think I did things differently enough for it to be worthy of this award. I'm big on that, trying to do things with a twist. Ranma the deep and noble martial artist, Ukyou the tragic heroine, Akane the violent mindless maniac, I kept myself as far from the stereotypes as I could." Someone in the crowd coughs loudly. "Okay, okay, so I made Shampoo a brainless idiot like everyone else does. Can't win'em all. "I'd also like to add that I didn't take the characters too seriously, something that a lot of fans do sometimes. It's just a show, fictional characters. Keep that in mind and it really frees up what you're willing to do with them." He blinks a moment, staring blankly into space, then frowns. "Er... hm. There anything else I oughta say?" Somewhere in the distance, crickets chirp. "Oh. Oh... might as well use this time to blatantly plug my website (http://www.thekeep.org/~rpm/fanfic) and my most prominent ongoing projects 'The Pursuit Of Happiness (sequel to TMTC)', 'Children of an Elder God' (Evangleion/Lovecraft crossover) and 'SMILE' (Bubblegum Crisis/Batman:The Animated Series). Plugplugplug. "Did I forget to plug anything else? Oh... 'There's alway s Coca-Cola', 'Nike: just do it (swooshmark)', 'Think Different - Macintosh', and 'Cthulhu 2000 - vote for the lesser evil!'" -- "Waters Under Earth" by Alan Harnum Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/wue.html Alan hurries onto the stage, dressed in a rather ratty tuxedo and looking somewhat out of breath. "I'll be quick, as I'm only one of those who has to make a speech for this category. 'Waters Under Earth' was an enormous effort which I would never have completed without the help and support of people too numerous to name, and I'm very honoured by the award. Thank you." ANNOUNCER: And now, presenting the 1999 Chickenball Award for Best Darkfic/Shockfic, the author of "Hello Kitty: The Day Sanrio Died," and the Ranma 1/2 darkfic "Stigma," here's J. Austin Wilde! [Applause fills the hall as a bearded J. AUSTIN WILDE appears from behind the curtain dressed in a black tuxedo. He is smiling for the audience, and his glasses glitter under the stage lights.] WILDE: Welcome to the 1999 Chickenball Awards! Once again I find myself presenting the award for the Best Darkfic/Shockfic. If this keeps up I'm going to end up like Billy Crystal at the Oscars.... I am, however, sorry to note that my lovely co-presenter from the previous Awards was unable to join me this evening. I'm told she's resting comfortably, and that they've been able to reduce her daily dosage of thorazine dramatically. [Pleasant applause follows. Several members of the audience can be seen displaying signs that read "Get Well Soon, Kasumi!"] WILDE: Megane 6.7 and Avatar assured me that I wouldn't have to do this alone. Though I can't imagine who was available on such short notice... ANNOUNCER: And now, co-presenting the award for Best Darkfic/Shockfic for 1999; a man who really needs no introduction, but we're going to give him one anyway... He's a world-renowned physician, a patron of the performing arts, and the brilliant author of several papers to the American Journal of Psychiatric Medicine... He's also a gourmet of unimpeachable taste and skill in the culinary arts... And did I mention that he's a vicious, serial murdering cannibal? [The audience laughs. J. AUSTIN WILDE looks distinctly uncomfortable.] ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Doctor Hannibal Lecter! [Wild applause from the audience as DOCTOR HANNIBAL LECTER appears soundlessly from behind the curtain to WILDE'S right. LECTER'S maroon eyes glow against the crisp charcoal of his hand-tailored Italian tuxedo. Behind LECTER are two stagehands, who wheel out a large double-burner butane stove and a food preparation table loaded with various ingredients and cooking implements.] DOCTOR LECTER: [Bowing politely for the audience] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. [He inclines his head towards WILDE] Mister Wilde, you cannot imagine how long I've wanted to be within arm's reach of you... WILDE [Sweatdrop prominent on his head]: I'm honored. I think. [WILDE pans his eyes over to the stove] So, ah, Doctor Lecter, what's for dinner? DOCTOR LECTER: [Making an indulgent sweep of his hand across the stove.] Despite the quaint charm of participating in an award ceremony named for ersatz Chinese cuisine of dubious quality, and for works of fiction that rely upon the theft of intellectual property, I find the caterers Megane 6.7 hired for the evening to be simply atrocious. Fortunately, I am well equipped to deal with such shortcomings. WILDE: Dare I ask what, or should I say, WHO, that is that you're cooking? DOCTOR LECTER: [His maroon eyes cast baleful red pinpricks of reflected stage light] That, my dear Mister Wilde, is a secret... [He stirs idly at a hearty ragout simmering on the stove.] ...For now. WILDE: [Another sweatdrop is prominent on his brow] Uh, yeah... Moving right along, our first nominee is Cindy Toler, for her dark tale of preternatural love and hate, "The Blood is the Life." This is a Ranma 1/2 vampire story in the finest spirit of predecessors such as "Nightshadow," and "Akane por Siempre." Though the writing style shares a romantic quality more akin to Anne Rice than Bram Stoker, this story doesn't lack for a bodycount. DOCTOR LECTER: [Amused] Would you care for some blood pudding, Mister Wilde? I just happen to have brought some with me... WILDE: [Nervously] I dunno, is it fresh? DOCTOR LECTER: [Looking mildly annoyed that anyone would dare to presume otherwise of him] I assure you, sir, that it is still warm. WILDE: Well then, how could I refuse? DOCTOR LECTER: [Maroon eyes gleaming] How indeed? WILDE: [Managing a taste] And now, Cindy Toler's "The Blood is the Life." Be warned that this clip contains important spoilers for the story. * * * *I can't give Ranma his eternity,* Kodachi whispered when she had regained her composure, her Voice sending a delicious, horrible chill down Akane's spine. *I can only punish you. I can condemn you to an eternity of guilt!* She bent to graze her teeth across Akane's throat, one cold hand rising to grip a fistful of short, dark hair. Akane froze in thrall as the icy fangs brushed across her sensitive skin, and her mind raced back to Ryoga doing just this... and Ranma, his eyes wide with terror as Kodachi drained his life away. "I knew you'd come," Akane murmured, slowly shaking off the vampire's spell. "It had to be wood, didn't it? Not a steel blade." Kodachi paused, irritated that her prey was still talking. She readied herself for the first delicious lunge, for the sensation of her teeth piercing delicate skin, the warm rush of blood in her throat, the final, sweet satisfaction of triumph over her hated enemy... Suddenly a fiery pain tore through her, and she fell back, staring dumbfounded at the wooden stake protruding from her pale, dead chest. Akane smiled viciously as the vampire shrieked and clawed at the stake. "This is for Ranma," she hissed, leaping to her feet. She drove the wooden shard home with one solid kick, fighting the sudden, maniacal urge to laugh as the monster gasped Voicelessly in its death throes. * * * DOCTOR LECTER: How droll. Shall I tell you how these so-called 'fanfictions' represent nothing more than a thinly-veiled means of wish fulfillment? WILDE: Do I have a choice? DOCTOR LECTER: [Holding a large chef's knife loosely in his hand] Have I mentioned that I find you to be unbearably rude, Mister Wilde? WILDE: I'll shut up now. DOCTOR LECTER: Splendid. A man shows his intelligence less by his words than by his silence. As I was saying, the way Miss Toler lavishes her attentions upon the vampiric seduction of Ryouga Hibiki is common among writers of the fairer sex - particularly in the genre of Ranma 1/2 fanfiction, but indicative of her own desire to possess the character body and soul. WILDE: Is this why all females are lesbians in lemon fanfiction written by men? [DOCTOR LECTER favors him with a look reserved for the heart-breakingly stupid.] WILDE: [Pretending that his previous remark had never been said] I liked this story, and found it fast-paced, with just enough uncertainty as to the identity of the vampire to keep it exciting. As I said earlier, this was a story that owed more to Anne Rice and contemporary vampire-flicks than the spirit of Bram Stoker, particularly the bit about the metal sword blade having no effect on Kodachi. In Bram Stoker's novel, Dracula is done-in by a bowie knife to the heart... DOCTOR LECTER: [Chuckling] The Devil is in the details... WILDE: And you would know... [Beat] Moving on to our second nominee, we are faced with a story that leaves us feeling cold and filled with nameless dread - Sort of like reading a 'fic by Dr. Thinker, except that this story is actually a masterpiece of fanfiction. I refer to the Neon Genesis Evangelion - H.P. Lovecraft fusion written by John Biles and Rod M., and known as "Children of an Elder God." DOCTOR LECTER: [Sauteeing something carefully in his copper _fait-tout_] I regret not having known Mister Lovecraft... He seemed to be an... *interesting* fellow. WILDE: You probably could have written a dozen books on him. The guy was a total nut-bar. DOCTOR LECTER: Doubtful. I am, however, more interested in his dreams than his struggle with sanity. In any event, this 'fanfiction,' while lengthy and as yet unfinished, has many moments of striking genius. The prose is clumsy and grasping at times in its efforts to convey the supernatural horrors of the Lovecraft Mythos, yet the effort is earnest and quite visceral. WILDE: I agree. Writing good horror is difficult, and sustaining it over a long period of time, especially in a serial format, is even more challenging. It was quite a task selecting a clip from this series for the presentation, and I'm sure there were more than a few that could have easily been used in its place. [To the projectionists] Roll it! * * * Normally, Shinji fell asleep pretty easily, and when that didn't work, he could usually play some music and relax enough to pass out. Tonight, however, Mozart and Schubert lacked the power to calm his mind. He had tried putting the lights out, but the light coming in through the window had made the shadows move in ways that were far too suggestive of shadows moving under their own power, coming to ooze up his bed and onto his body to smother him. Closing the window shade had simply created more darkness for potentially present Thrones to hide in. Leaving the light on let it cast suggestive shadows under the furniture and leak through his eyelids, preventing slumber. Then the footsteps started in the hallway, going back and forth past his door. It could just be people going to the bathroom. But it sounded more like someone pacing up and down the hallway without ceasing, as if they waiting for something...like for him to come out of his room. The footsteps gradually faded into silence. They might be gone...or it might be another trick. He tried burying his head under his pillow and shoving away paranoia, but darkness brought no comfort or rest. He couldn't see it coming like this. Finally, he couldn't take it any more. He didn't know where he could go, or what he was going to do, but he couldn't just lie here and wait to either be eaten or to be exhausted in the morning. He threw on some more clothing and stepped out into the hallway just in time to smack into Rei. They both staggered backwards, but didn't fall down. "Sorry about that," he said. She nodded. He could see she had gotten dressed as well, and he suspected she couldn't sleep either, so he asked. "Couldn't sleep?" "Looking for more, if any." By yourself? Even Asuka isn't that insanely brave, he thought. "I...I'd been wondering about that." A few seconds later, Asuka's door opened, and she stepped out dressed in a long shirt that went down to halfway down her shins. "You two too, huh?" Shinji nodded. "I just...I can't sleep in a brightly lit room, and if I turn off the lights, it's like...geez, I feel like a little kid." He frowned and clenched his fists. "I shouldn't be this...this scared." "I had a nightmare. I got in my EVA, and the LCL was a Throne. It killed me and took over my EVA." She shuddered and hugged herself. "And then it went on a rampage and killed everyone else." Shinji's eyes widened. "I did NOT need that thought. Great, now the next time I get in my EVA..." * * * [The clip ends to show WILDE standing quietly while DOCTOR LECTER produces a small crystal bowl filled with ice water and a dozen pinkish-grey slices of flesh.] WILDE: I seem to recall Mister Biles hinting darkly about the nature of LCL early on in commentary about this story, and now after the bit with the Thrones, I'm not so sure it *isn't* the same thing. DOCTOR LECTER: A skillful play on a common fear among humans - just what is it that we're eating...? [His small white teeth sparkle in a smile with all the warmth of an attacking tigershark.] WILDE: [Pointing to the slices of pinkish-grey matter floating in the ice water] Speaking of which; anyone I know, Doctor Lecter? DOCTOR LECTER: I am uncertain of the man's name, but I believe he wrote a self-masturbatory bit of bestial tripe featuring himself and a white cat... [DOCTOR LECTER dredges the flesh - which is in fact slices of human brain - in seasoned flour, then pats them with herbed brioche crumbs before carefully spooning them into the sizzling _fait-tout._] WILDE: [Thinking for a moment before it dawns upon him] I see... [Sniffing] Smells good! DOCTOR LECTER: Please continue the presentation without me, as this requires all of my attention. WILDE: Certainly, Doctor... Our final nominee for the award is a story by yours truly, titled "The Dinner Guest," and featuring my esteemed co-presenter. Seeing as how I wrote this, it would be inappropriate for me to make much comment on it. DOCTOR LECTER: How noble... Shall we? WILDE: Of course, Doctor. But first, how about a few slices of that? DOCTOR LECTER: It would be my pleasure. [Offering WILDE a plate of pan-fried brains drizzled in butter and shallots] Bon appetit! * * * "Akane tells me that the two of you are, in fact, engaged to be married." Ranma crossed his eyes at the thought. "I guess so." Fell smiled thinly. Thoughts of Florence and young lovers many summers ago drifted through the halls of his mind. If only there were an abundance of fresh flowers handy... With some reluctance he dismissed the idea, and returned to the evening's original source of amusement. The problem with whimsy was that it often left you unprepared for the truly grand inspirations. Nevertheless, he would make do. "I am curious, Ranma. Being a skilled martial artist with a, shall we say *interesting* life, this event was perhaps bound to happen sooner or later, and your training must have addressed it at one point..." "What's your question?" Ranma interrupted. Fell wetted his red lips with his tongue. "What did it feel like to kill someone?" he asked in a gravid voice. Ranma opened his mouth in protest, but no sound came forth. Even Akane, by this point thoroughly charmed by the good doctor, tried to protest such a question. Fell continued to bore his lambent eyes into Ranma. "According to Akane, you had an adventure quite recently that led to the death of a young man named Saffron. A death by your hand, I might add." "But Saffron wasn't a man," Ranma muttered, suddenly remembering a day that he had tried very hard to forget. "He was some kinda god! And anyway, he was reincarnated later that day!" Fell remained unmoved. "But you did kill him," he said evenly. Ranma nodded his head slowly. "And it was in fact your intention to kill him." Ranma sank back against his heels. The battle with Saffron had been so desperate that he never had the chance to think through the consequences. For him there had been only one consequence, one motivation, that mattered. Akane. The girl who was even now falling back under the doctor's spell with a simple innocuous wink. She had told this man, practically a total stranger, about the battle with Saffron, and who knew what else. "Akane was dying," he managed. Fell seemed surprised by this revelation, but allowed him to continue. Perhaps Akane hadn't told him everything. "Saffron was the only thing standing between life and death for her, and he wouldn't let up... I didn't have any choice but to do it." Fell nodded slowly. "Am I to believe then by your tone that it has caused you a certain amount of distress?" His voice was strangely soothing, and despite his considerable discomfort with the subject, Ranma felt compelled to answer Doctor Fell. "Killing him? I don't know. I try not to think about it." Ranma sighed. "It's easier knowing that he isn't really dead." "But you would do it again, if you had to. Even if you knew that he wouldn't be coming back." Ranma closed his eyes. "Yeah." Fell nodded again. He understood something vital now about his hosts. His decision was made. * * * WILDE: [Chewing thoughtfully as the clip fades to black on the monitor] You know, these are pretty good... DOCTOR LECTER: I'm pleased that you think so. [He eyes WILDE speculatively] You do not mind their source? WILDE: Frankly, I'm surprised that there was enough for the two of us... DOCTOR LECTER: Alas, they weren't as fresh as I would have preferred. [He turns to Wilde] Would you mind if I commented on "The Dinner Guest"? WILDE: Um, no. Really. Go ahead, Doctor. DOCTOR LECTER: Returning to the subject of fanfiction as author wish- fulfillment, one does wonder exactly what you had in mind with this story. WILDE: [His voice is muffled with a piece of pan-fried human brain in his mouth] Whatever do you mean, Doctor Lecter? DOCTOR LECTER: [Smiles beatifically.] One could also note that your lovely wife has written one of the better "Mousse gets eaten" fanfics in existence. >From this I can only speculate about the bill of fare in the Wilde Family home... WILDE: [Finishing up the last of the brains] Perhaps we should continue this conversation after the presentation... Doctor Lecter, I'd like to thank you for your time, and certainly for dinner. It was delicious, and I'm certain, a boon to the world of fanfiction. DOCTER LECTER: I thank you, Mister Wilde, for the opportunity to be here, though I fear Megane 6.7 may be disinclined to agree with you concerning your rosy assessment of the fanfiction world, as I have now deprived him of a wealth of source material... WILDE: He'll get over it. From what I've seen on his page, there's no shortage of material for him... [Gesturing off-stage] The envelope, please. [A red-haired catgirl appears on stage in a slinky white evening gown. DOCTOR LECTER eyes her dispassionately, his eyes gleaming points of light against the darkness of his tuxedo. WILDE tries not to appear too obvious as he looks down her dress. He takes the envelope in his hand.] WILDE: And now... The winner of the 1999 Chicken Ball Award for Best Darkfic/Shockfic is... Children of an Elder God by John Biles and RPM! John two-steps out onto the stage. "I must admit I never thought I'd ever be nominated for anything that could be called a 'Darkfic', but then, I never thought I'd be co-authoring one with another author noted for his comedy, either. Still, I've felt this particular concept was a logical one for a long time, and I've had a long-term love of Lovecraft since I was twelve. In fact, I feel we're being more logical than EVA was, but that's just me. Send all flames in defense of Anno's vision to Elvis, please. "But to be more serious, this is the darkest thing I've ever written to this length, and it will get moreso before we finish. But we don't plan to simply end it with buckets of blood and Rei eating Asuka's brain. Sorry, Merc. "If all goes well, we'll have it all done in time for us to get this award again NEXT year, and then we'll rule the world with an iron fist! The Stars Will Be Right! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" John steps aside to let Rod speak while he cackles maniacally. "As John said, many thanks to everyone who voted for us. The sheer number of votes the story tallied up was inspiring, to say the least. Nice to know we're REALLY being read... "Ah, yes, Children of an Elder God. The funny thing is, when I proposed the idea, I hadn't much of a clue about Lovecraft, just that there was this big guy under the ocean waiting to wake up... "The day I proposed it to John, he was so enamored of the idea that he said he'd do it solo if I didn't want to fly with it. Grand-scale Evangelion fics were (and still are) small in number, I figured we'd be pioneering in some ways, and what the heck, John would know enough about Lovecraft and I knew enough about Eva to balance things out. "Besides that, it would be cool working with this guy. "Aside from the conflicting desires of me to turn Rei into a savage killing machine instead of a cute shy girl learning about emotions and John to run Ritsuko and Asuka through a meat grinder instead of being embodiments of feminine sexuality, things've gone smooth. Heheh. "On that note, you'll all find it ironic that John has been in charge of our new, lighter, fluffier, more well-adjusted Asuka. Tons of fun to work with, she is. "Doing an elseworlds is fun, I highly recommend it. You get to have characters do things they normally wouldn't do. It's rather therapeutic. "Am I rambling? "Some of you might be wondering why this story is in the darkfic/shockfic category... after all, our characters don't grind their teeth and angst every other paragraph. "Why? Simple." He leans forward, wagging his eyebrows as he does. "We're Willing To Kill Them - All Of Them. "Hrm. Lemme rephrase that." Rod adjusts his tie and smiles pleasantly. "We're Willing To Kill Them In A Manner More Satisfying Than The Evangelion Movie Did." He seems to nod to himself in satisfaction, then steps up to add: "And With Satisfying Violence. "To say anything else would be... ah... telling... but just know that we're willing to do just about anything. "Heh. Heh. Heh." And with that cryptic remark, Rod M and John Biles leave the stage, holding up their awards to mass applause while Megane staggers back on-stage. He is wearing a different tuxedo from before and his face has several bandages to hide the cuts and bruises inflicted on him by the Puma Twins but otherwise looks none the worse for wear as he announces the next presenter. (TO... BE... CONTINUED... IN... PART... TWO... )