(CONTINUED... FROM... PART... ONE...) "Now, to present the 'Weird Al' award, mostly because of his appropriate name, Mr. Alan Harnum." Alan returns to the podium, changed out of his tuxedo. He's now clad in the Canadian national costume of furry red toque, heavy blue jeans, and plaid lumberjack shirt with suspenders (yes, Canadians really do dress this way--we swear). "Eh, good evenin' to all you hosers out there," he calls. He take a can of beer from his pocket, pulls the tab, and gulps it down. "It's a real great pleasure to be here tonight, almost as great a pleasure as the time when me an' my brother Matt--not my real brother, more of a spiritual brother--went snowmobilin' up in North Bay, and--" Boos and catcalls begin from the audience. "Terrible!" "Stereotyping!" "You should be ashamed!" "No Canadian jokes!" "Stop being racist, racist!" Alan sighs, crushes the empty beer can against his forehead before tossing it off-stage, and then puts on his glasses in order to read the nominee list. The glasses--small, wire-framed and thick--are quite incongruous with the rest of his apparel. "It is indicative of the state fanfic has progressed to that genuinely deconstrucionist works--e.g. satire and parody--are being written within it," he begins pedantically. "I speak here not of parodies and satires of anime and manga series, which have a long history, but of parodies and satires of specific types of anime and manga fanfiction; whether it be of broad genres such as darkfics of WAFFfics, or of specific stories such as--" "Booooooooooooooooooring!" "Go back to your ivory tower!" Alan mutters, "Fine, fine" under his breath. "The Weird Al award is for the best parody of a fanfic or fanfiction genre. The nominees are..." -- "An Alan Smithee Fanfiction" by Stephen Schlueter -- "The Butt" by a group of authors from FFIRC -- "Fusions That Should Never Be" by D.B. Sommer -- "Girl Days" by Robert "Kenjiko" Haynie -- "Lesbian 1/2" by Donny Cheng -- "You Don't Love Me Anymore" by Gregg "Metroanime" Sharp -- "The Martyr" by Dan Root -- "The Replacement Ranmas" by Angus MacSpon Alan pauses for breath, then resumes. "All of these fanfics share common characteristics of deconstructionist fiction, which..." A baby seal, freshly clubbed, hits him in the head, apparently thrown from backstage. Alan looks at the baby seal (with just the tiniest light of hunger in his eyes), then shrugs, takes the small envelope from its mouth, and opens it. "The winner of this year's Chicken ball for the Weird Al category is 'Lesbian 1/2', by Donny Cheng." Donny walks nervously down the aisle, self consciously holding his hands together and head bowed. He was even more noticeably uneasy looking as he fought to hold the mike still while Alan slings the baby seal over his shoulder and walks into the wings, giving Donny the floor. "H-hi. I didn't expect to win this considering all the great parody fics that were out there and the fact that it lost its spamfic and parody status when I went over two chapters...Personally hoped that the winner would be the group project we...*cough* "Blatant self plug." *cough* "GET ON WITH IT!!!" the audience chanted. Donny fidgeted. "Anyway, I'd like to thank all who read, nominated, and voted for this fic. It would not have been made possible if not for group at FFIRC who I would also like to thank. The ideas you get when someone comments 'there's lesbians in every fic' and you reply 'is there a fic where everyone is a lesbian?' So, I'm really not the one that should take all the blame, uh, I mean credit." Donny holds up his award to applause and nervously bows as he leaves the stage with his award. Soon, the announcer's voice is heard again. "And now, to present the award for 'Best Ending to a Fanfic or Series' is the author of 'The Taming of the Horse' and 'A Man Among Women,' give it up for Vincent Seifert!" Vince walks on-stage: a fortyish man with trimmed beard and mustache, wearing grey slacks and a sportcoat over a turtleneck. He is accompanied by a slender Japanese woman clad in a blue kimono; the discerning eye notices that the kimono is not in the modern style by about 300 years. He reaches center stage, smiles at the audience, and takes a few cards out of his pocket. "Hi ho and welcome to the M--" He breaks off and frowns at the cards. "Sorry, wrong frog. Ahem. Welcome to the Chicken Ball award for Best Ending. I'm glad to be here, and fortunate that this lovely young lady was able to bridge time and space to join me tonight-- please welcome Suzuko, from 'Fire Tripper!'" Suzuko, who looks about a decade older than her last appearance in 'Fire Tripper,' smiles and waves shyly at the audience's applause. Vince fiddles with his cards again. "Endings are hard. Beginnings are easy, and middles are fairly straightforward once you decide how you want to get from the beginning to the end." "Sometimes the beginning of a story is really the middle," Suzuko observes. "Heh, funny you should mention that." Vince glances at her, smirking, then addresses the audience again. "The precise form of an ending can make or break a story even in the writer's mind, and getting it right takes effort. I'm glad these awards have chosen to recognize that skill. "Screen, please?" A projection screen descends behind Suzuko and Vince, and the stage lights dim a little. "Thanks. The nominees are:" -- "Child of Love" by Axel Terazaki http://ucsub.colorado.edu/~kominek/fanfiction/ A slide is projected in the upper-left quadrant of the screen: Aino Minako, with her parents standing on either side of her, and the rest of the Sailor Senshi behind them. After a moment it dawns on the viewer that the parents are Ranma and Akane, twenty years older but still distinctive. -- "Eidolons" by Alan Harnum http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.eidolons Another slide in another quadrant: Ranma in a ready stance, looking out of the picture with a look of apprehension-- perhaps even fear-- on his face rather than his usual look of confidence or determination. Behind him are Cologne, Akane, and Bast, and behind them the eldritch landscape of the Dreamlands. -- "The Ghost Prison" by Gary Kleppe http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html The third slide shows Shampoo and Ukyo, both elderly, looking sorrowfully down at two adjacent Jusenkyo pools; dimly visible in the pools are the faces of Ranma and Akane, gazing longingly at each other. -- "HERZ" by Te Loong http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/HERZ.htm Fourth slide: the Ikari family. Shinji and Asuka look like they've seen some rough times but got through them together; their grown daughters Dr. Akiko and Lt. Sakiko appear to have inherited their looks from their paternal grandmother Ikari Yui rather than their mother. Vince resumes speaking while the four images remain on the screen. "These run the gamut of endings. 'Child of Love' doesn't seem to actually BE ended yet, so I assume the nomination refers to the ending of the prelude, in which the identities of Minako's parents are revealed rather dramatically." Suzuko takes the next one. "The ending of 'Eidolons' is a shocking twist, as the barrier of time separates lover from beloved--" She breaks off, apparently overcome by emotion. "Still, it's so right for the tone of the story that even a less-than-happy ending is very satisfying there," Vince points out. Suzuko sniffles. "I know, but it's a bit close to home for me." "Yes, it would be, wouldn't it.... The dramatic solution of the problem at the core of "The Ghost Prison' is yet another good way to end a story," Vince continues. "Still, I think MY favorite is the 'and they lived happily ever after' of 'HERZ'," Suzuko says firmly. "A popular type of ending, to be sure," Vince agrees. "Just be glad there weren't any 'he dies, she dies, everybody dies' stories nominated this year!" "Well, there's always next year." Suzuko shudders. "Heh. May I have the envelope, please?" Suzuko produces an envelope from her sleeve and hands it to Vince. "Thanks." Vince opens the envelope, extracts a sheet of paper and reads, then looks up at the audience with a grin. "And the winner of a Chicken Ball for Best Ending is-- Alan Harnum, for 'Eidolons!'" The Ranma-Dreamlands slide expands to take up the whole screen as the crowd cheers and claps. "Now, if you'll excuse me," Vince bellows when the noise has subsided far enough, "I have to go build a bonfire so Suzuko can get home to her family. G'night, all!" Suzuko waves and they walk offstage. Alan returns to the stage for a third time, changed out of his lumberjack outfit and back into the ratty tuxedo. He appears to have dressed rather hastily, and there's a little spot on the edge of his mouth that _might_ be baby seal blood. "'Eidolons' was really an attempt to do more justice to the works of H.P. Lovecraft than I did in my 'Turning the Wheel' stories, as I felt very much in hindsight that the series had been uncertain as to whether or not its tone was Ranma or Lovecraft. "Lovecraft had an astonishing imagination, and his Dreamlands stories are among his most remarkable creations in terms of sheer wonder. I tried very much to capture the intermingling of surreal beauty with cosmic terror that Lovecraft did so well in his Dreamlands stories, and hope that I more or less succeeded." "Getting the 'Best Ending' award for 'Eidolons' is very heartening, as I rather feared that it was somewhat unnoticed next to the grandeur of 'Waters Under Earth.' That it was remembered well enough more than half a year after its completion to win the award pleases me greatly. Thank you. "Now, I think I hear Cthulhu calling... Ia! Ia!" After Alan leaves the stage, the lights dim slightly, and the announcer says, "Now, for the presentation of the 'Most Underrated Fanfic or Series', Ruri Hoshino and Kyosuke Kasuga." Kyosuke comes out in a tuxedo, tugging at the collar and clearly uncomfortable, while Ruri serenely glides to the podium in a rather severe evening gown. Sorry, lolicon fans. "Ano... er... um..." Kyosuke stammers. "We screwed up a little." "Did we?" Ruri blinks, and a large virtual window opens up just behind Kyosuke's head with a flashing "his fault" sign and a big arrow pointing to the young ESPer. "We did. We wanted to have a Most Underrated Fanfic award to balance our Most Overrated award, of course, so we asked for nominations with the rest of the awards." "It didn't strike anybody that this was a stupid idea until after we got back the nominations," Ruri interrupts. "Twenty-four stories each got one nomination." Kyosuke scratches at the back of his head. "Yes, well, of course it's easy to see that a truly underrated fic wouldn't get a lot of nominations anyway..." The flashing sign has turned to "BAKA" in large red letters. "Anyway, to salvage this mess, we decided to give the award to all the nominees." "But we don't have that many Chicken Balls to hand out! Do you have any idea how much those things cost?" "We'll just give them some time to mook for the camera. Call it a recognition award." A crowd of people enters the stage from the left. "All these people?" Kyosuke asks. "All these and a couple more." "Oh, boy..." Ruri rolls her eyes at her co-presenter and shrugs. "So, the winners for this year's Most Underrated Fanfic award are..." -- "An Amnesic Angel" by Axel Terizaki (Is it Amnesic or Amnesiac?) Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.asukanotebook.com.bi Axel: "Thanks, thanks. I'm very glad, mostly because of 'An Amnesic Angel' winning a 'Most Underrated' award. It's true that it isn't my most popular work, but some people still liked it. On another note, it wouldn't be fair to get this award and run off showing it to everybody and boast about it. So, I will give it to all my pre-readers too. They were of an immeasurable help during the conception of each of my fics, and I'm well aware that without them, my works wouldn't be as good as they are now. Thanks to you all, you know who you are, and also, thanks to the individual who voted for me. Again, thanks! ^____^" -- "Beacon" by Vincent Seifert Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/ Vince: "Beacon was my second story, and the one that made me realize that writing wasn't an affliction which could be cured with a mere 350K of Ranma-continuation. I've written a lot more since then, but Beacon is still my favorite. I think Fire Tripper is the real victim of underrating here, though; it's the anime I show to people who've heard about this 'anime' thing and are afraid to ask, but as far as I know there's only one other FT fanfic out there: Ukyou Kuonji's moving Cherish While You Can. There ought to be more. "I'm very proud to accept 1/24th of a Chicken Ball for Beacon-- now I just have to figure out what 1/24th of a CB looks like!" -- "Bless the Gutter" by Sky Ridgon Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/B.html "Not everybody had a speech," Ruri says, nodding. -- "Child of Love 2" by David Templar Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.asukanotebook.com.bi/ Dave hops onto the stage dressed in a giant Pikachu costume. Waving to the to the rather quiet crowd, he takes his place behind the podium. The giant Pikachu accepts the award, then shakes paws with Ruri and Kyosuke. "Thanks folks, it's a honor to be here tonight, among some of the best the anime fanfic community has to offer." Dead silence. "Err....as to why I'm dressed as a giant Pokemon, it's quite an amusing story, really. I was entertaining Teri-chan and a bunch of her friends this afternoon, and some how they got their hands on some super glue.... *cough* Anyhoo, I'd like to thanks Axel, who got me into this whole mess. Without his help and guidance, I'd still be only reading fanfics. I'd also like to thank all my prereaders (especially you, EBJ), without them, my spelling and grammar is be far worst. And last but not least, the fine people who take the time and effort to actually read my fanfic. Thank you all." The giant Pikachu tries to wobble off the stage, but trips half way. He rolls down onto the first row of seats, crushing many audience members. -- "Cinders" by June 'KaraOhki' Geraci Author's E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.karaohki.com Kara: "Thank you so much for this unique award for my story, "Cinders". It's very interesting to have a story called "underrated". "I would absolutely LOVE for all of you to go to www.karaohki.com and read the story, and continue reading until I finish it. Then perhaps next year Cinders will get the most OVERRATED award! "Thanks again!" -- "Crystal Tokyo" by Hirameki Nagisa Author E-mail: Ruri: No speech here, either. Well, congratulations anyway! -- "Dark Family 3" by Nicolas Stone Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/Dark-Family Nick: "Well. Well, well, well. Such an honor to be awarded this... what's it called again? Oh yeah, award for the most underrated fanfic... Underrated? Hey isn't this for best fanfic of 2000? What? No?... ... ... ... "Ooops... ah, yes, uhm... well I guess it's better than nothing. I hope my fics get better PR this year. Thanks and, I'll see ya next time, and congrats to my fellow ficwriters too! Oh, you can find my Ranma 1/2 fics at www.nicholasstone.com. Just follow the directory...^_^" -- "Daughters of Shadow and Light" by Lunatic Knight Author E-mail: lunatic_knight@HOTMAIL.COM LK: "Wow. You know, my mother used to tell me that if I worked hard, one day I could be underrated. And she was right! And now I've won this Dragon Ball ... er, ChickenBall, to prove it. I feel an immense sense of personal validation, as well as the urge to phone out for Chinese food. Hmmm. You suppose maybe if I'd ever finished this fic, I might have garnered some votes for ... I don't know, Most Overrated Fic? I guess there's only one way for me to find out for sure. Somebody pass the cherry sauce ... By the way, this fic has no URL because it has no web home at this time. Sorry about that, chief." -- "HERZ" by E.L. Toh Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/HERZ.htm E.L. Toh: "Gee. I suppose being under-rated is kinda of a back-handed compliment. But thanks for the award. My stuff is archived at http://www.teloong.mcmail.com/. Thanks again and death to spam!" -- "Jet Moto" by Jed Bidwell Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/J.html Jed: "You like me! You really like me! Okay, sorry, but I had to do it. ^_^ Anyway, I appreciate this award, though I'm forced to wonder if having one of the most underrated fanfics in this year's awards is really a good thing... "Just kidding. In all seriousness, thank you for this award." -- "Koyuki's Red Pinwheel" by David Pascal Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.davidpascal.com/smj David: "First, I'd like to thank the various members of the Chicken Ball Fanfic Awards Committee for their generous time and effort in serving the anime community. In particular I would like to thank the nameless individual out there in cyberspace whose literary insight was such as to inspire him to cast his single vote for my fic, 'Koyuki's Red Pinwheel' (available on-line at the Saber Marionette J Fanfiction Page at www.davidpascal.com/smj), thus garnering it immortality. I also wish to extend my appreciation to Mssrs. Akahori Satoru and Kotobuki Tsukasa, the creators of Saber Marionette J, the ripping-off of whose characters and plot situations enabled me to create my story; and I would like to thank as well my mother and father, whose creation of me in the first place also enabled me to create my story. Finally, I would like to thank the late Professor B.F. Skinner, for writing his classic 1966 paper, 'Contingencies Of Reinforcement In The Design Of A Culture' (Behavioral Science, vol. 11, pp. 159-166). ( -- Hey, you guys -- leggo of my jacket -- what do you *mean* I'm ranting? -- what do you *mean* my time is up? -- w-what do you *mean* there's no more space? -- I'm an *artiste*, you morons! -- HELP! POLICE! -- )" "They do go on, don't they?" "Hush, Ruri, that's rude." "Baka." -- "Last One Standing" by Mike Loader Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/los.html "No speech here either, huh?" Kyosuke asks. "Seems not." "Ah, well..." -- "Let's Get Serious" by Erin Ellis Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.unc.edu/~ellis/fanfics/lgs.html Erin walks on stage, clad in an Indian-style long jacket and pants set in a glittering iridescent blue. She is greeted by the rousing applause of her fan. "Only one?" She sweatdrops slightly. "I knew I should've invited some friends... "Anyway, I really appreciate the nomination. I wasn't sure anyone would read a story on a talented red-haired fighter that wasn't Ranma," she smirks, tongue-in-cheek. "Thanks to Super Prereader (tm) Ammadeau, and Deandra, Cindy and Matt for being there, and to everyone whose letters have let me know that someone actually does read this thing. Thanks!" She waves cheerily, the whole crowd applauding now, albeit mostly to shuffle her offstage. "Hey, you cut everybody else's non-speech text." "Hers was short," Ruri said, shrugging. -- "Paradise Lost" by Avatar Author's E-mail: Fic is at: http://members.tripod.com/~AvatarHR/pl.html "We didn't get anything from him," Kyosuke says, sweatdropping. "Then we skip him." "But he's writing this! As in right now! He could have the ceiling collapse on us or something!" "Look," Ruri responds, "if he doesn't want to write an acceptance speech, that's his business." "He's probably hiding because he hasn't written any more of it in a year," Kyosuke mutters, directly before a ceiling tile falls on his head. [Really, thanks, guys! -Av] -- "Ranma & Akane: A Love Story" by Eric Hallstrom Author's E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.kawaiikunee.com/slp/R&A-ALS.html Eric: "If it's RAALS, well ... it won first place in the TASS best of Ranma fanfic contest (miniseries) for November 99, took 2nd for the Annual '99 Awards and took 2nd in January and Febuary as well. I wouldn't exactly call that 'underrated.' :) Oh well, TASS.org is only TASS.org, but a Chickenball, that's a _REAL_ honor. ;)" "We forgot to tell him which of his fics won," Kyosuke says, sweatdropping. -- "Ranma Monogatari" by Bridget Wilde Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/bridget.htm Bridget: "Thank you. It's very gratifying to know that there are people out there who still remember my writing, despite the long wait between chapters. Ranma Monogatari was my first real fanfiction, and it continues to be in many ways the fanfiction dearest to my heart - which may be one reason why it comes so slowly. But the emails I get asking when exactly the next chapter is coming out are a wonderful boost to my writing. Now if I can just get the baby to nap more...." -- "Rei's Birthday Present" by Chris Burke Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.umich.edu/~wyrm/abp/fanfic.html Chris: "Wow, an award. Thanks! Though I can't see how RBP is underrated... I've gotten what is to me a lot of comments about it, and I thought it was popular enough. But others must disagree. I can't help think that it may be because it's my first WAFF-ish fic. Nah, can't be that... ^_^" -- "Relentless" by Grayson Towler Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless Grayson: "It's a pity that there are so few people out there who can appreciate the sheer magnitude of this honor. And yet, when I go up to the average person-on-the-street and tell them I've one 1/24th of a Chicken Ball Award, they do not seem to be very impressed. In fact, they frequently say the most alarming and rude things. I guess that's what being underrated is all about. Anyway, I'm glad someone out there voted for 'Relentless,' and if you want to read this story which moved one person to cast a ballot in its favor, you can find it at http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless." -- "Sukeban Senshi" by Allyn Yonge Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.iguild.com/homes/kazama/sukeban/sukeban.htm -- "Tales of Ranma & Ranko" by Lady Tesser & Jack Staik Author E-mail: , Fic is at: Unable to find link.... -- "The Game" by Angela Jewell Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.the-game "Gack, three speechless winners in a row!" "Baka baka." "We knew you were going to say that!" -- "The One I Love Is.." by Alain Gravel Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Teahouse/2236/toili/ Alain: "Those who know me know how much I invested myself in 'The One I Love Is...,' or TOILI for short, these last thirteenth months. It's quite nice to receive something different then self satisfaction as reward." "To be honest, this was a total surprise. While I did hope for some kind of award, well, an award other then "Worse fanfic" or the like, I didn't expect any. So... I'm extremely happy. And a little surprised. After all, this was my first ever fanfic, I'm not a member of the FFML and barely more then half of the story was posted on the RAAC. Not to mention that this isn't a Ranma fic. Perhaps this is an indication that the rift between the world of FFML fanfics and web based fanfics will one day be no more. "There's a number of people I'll quickly thank. My team of pre-readers, who worked hard in making my writing look like it was done by someone who at least went to high school. All those readers who sent me their comments, which kept me going on this project. And finally Anno who created such socially challenged characters. Hadn't it been the case, TOILI, and it's love triangle theme, might not have been as popular among Evangelion fanfic fans as it is right now. Fortunately, there's enough angst in NGE for its fans to be craving stories where Shinji and friends are actually happy and where there's WAFF in sickly amounts." -- "When You Wish Upon A Star" by Akane Miata Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/ranma.when-you-wish-upon-a-star -- "Will You Be My Fiancee?" by Ammandeau Author E-mail: Roy.Fokker@UNSpacy.org Fic is at: http://Ammadeau.tripod.com/fanfiction.htm "Thanks for bearing with us, folks," Kyosuke says, ducking his head and bowing. Soon, Megane 6.7 walks back on-stage for the next presentation. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, since every awards show seems to have a musical of some sort, be it a song praising comedy films... or a tribute to Leslie Nielsen... The Chicken Ball Awards are very proud to present to you tonight, a special musical by Bastion and Andy 'Avatar' Kent! We ask that you please not partake in the use of flash photography as Avatar is camera-shy and it would take us forever to coax him out of the rafters. Enjoy!" *** "Andy?" Bastion peeks around the hallway. "Andy!?" Not in the kitchen either. Where is he hiding? "Aaaannnndddyyyy?" Okay, negative on the roof. "Andy?" "EEEK!" All right, negative on the women's restroom. Ah, there, near the curtain. "There you are, Andy." The bearded individual smiles. "Ah, it's my faithful minion." The dark-haired youth frowns, but shakes it off before displaying a small rectangular device. "Hey, I want you to check this out." "What is it?" "It's a remote control." Andy regards the device and looks around. "That's nice, Bastion, but what does it control?" A devious grin cuts across Bastion's face. The scruffy Prince Phil look-a-like takes a small step back. "It's a script/prose control. It lets me switch from script to prose at will. See." Tap. Avatar: Yeah, I see. The youth hits another button on the remote. "See?" Tap. Avatar: Yes, I see. Tap. Avatar: Bastion... Tap. Avatar: BASTION! "What?" "Quit that." "Um, my bad." Sulking quickly gives way to an evil grin. Tap. Bastion: But, ain't it cool? Avatar: Gimme that! The bearded author snatches the remote off his minion's hands and places it in his pocket, procuring a pout for his troubles. "This is not a toy, and it could wreak so much havoc on the FFML if it fell into the wrong hands. I mean the list would become so clogged with spam-" "Um, Andy, are we thinking about the same FFML?" Andy blinks and pauses for a thoughtful interlude. "Oh. Got a point there, anyway, weren't you suppose to be doing the musical number for the Chicken Balls while you were inventing this contraption?" Suddenly, Bastion goes silent and lowers his head. "Um, actually, I didn't invent that." A bushy eyebrow arches quizzically. "Who did invent it?" On cue, a blast shakes the auditorium and the two quivering males face the angriest (but still the smartest) mad scientist in the universe. Andy drops Bastion from his arms before squeaking, "oh, hi, washuu." "WHO HAS MY REMOTE!" With a quick check of his watch, Bastion rushes toward the stage, but not before giving Andy a lucky pat on the back. "I hope you reviewed your scientific method because I think she's past the hypothesis part." "BASTION!" ---------------------------------------- The Chicken Ball Awards 2000 Theme Sung to the tune of the Animaniacs Theme. [The stage is dark as the sounds of the orchestra below getting in tune are heard. The curtain opens, revealing a large yellow tinted... ball. Then the opening for the song begins, and suddenly Bastion, dressed in black slacks and golden-glittered jacket, pops out joined in quick sucession by the Jusenkyo Dancers dressed as appropriately as any group of showgirls could be. They dance around and begin to sing.] Cast: These are the Chicken Ball Awards It's a carnival of words [A loud explosion is heard and off stage Megane looks about with concern.] Megane: Hey, what was that? [Bastion raps an arm around Megane shoulders, just missing Avatar's slightly singed body flying overhead....] Bastion: Oh, forget it, just relax! [... Which lands behind the singing and dancing Jusenkyo Dancers.] Cast: It's the Chicken Ball Awards! [A few of the Jusenkyo Dancers snatch the two men standing near the snack table, and put them directly into the spotlight. Megane gives a weak smile and Gary finishes munching on a piece of swiss cheese.] Cast: Come join Megane n' Gary [Hiroshi and Daisuke say hello to the Dancers.] And the horny duo, too. [The Dancers say hello back.] *WHAP!* Dancers: Just for fun we make a pun and inflict the pain on you. [The Dancers take their mallets and nail Bastion on the head, the resulting stars make way for another scene showing several Dancers at adding machines, punching away.] Dancers: We tallied up the votes and the best we do exalt. [Bastion jumps into view and waves his finger.] Bastion: And if you don't like em', don't complain. Because the rest is not our fault. [The Dancers swarm around him.] Cast: It's the Chicken Ball Awards! [They move away to reveal Ukyou churning culinary delights at a grill and Paul Cousins droning on about crossing over the Gary Coleman Show and Gail Force.] Ukyo cooks and Cousins bores. [Then the view shifts to Rhea speaking to a Nerfball with a poorly drawn skull on it.] Rhea makes reading a chore. [Then a big broom sweeps Rhea off stage.] While the Chat turns it to foddore. [Bastion and the Dancers return, filling the view once more.] It's the Chicken Ball Awards! Cast: See Avatar contemplate a crossover of Lapis and Eva [Avatar shakes off the ashes, but can't shake the concept from his mind.] Avatar: Argh! Cast: There's nothing wrong with Alan, he's just from Canada. [Alan, clad in his plaid lumberjack shirt and suspenders, pokes his head out from off stage.] Alan: Hosers. [Several authors are seen, running for their lives.] Bogue stalks the authors, while Kara screams, [The cute and furry face of KaraOhki pops into view.] KaraOhki: Miya! [Megane points to his watch.] Bastion: The people whine, I have no time. [Bastion shrugs.] Bastion: Ah, heck, Bastion no BAKA! [Then the Dancers crowd Bastion once more.] Cast: These are the Chicken Ball Awards! [Moving into a chorus line, the Dancers and Bastion begin doing the can-can.] We mostly stay indoors Chibi-Usa is a spore This job has no rewards. [They break the line and begin to stack into a pyramid and build up.] It's the Chicken Balls [And up...] Totally off the walls... [And up...] This ain't no schmaltz. [And up...] Remove the flammables. [Until Bastion pokes up from the top.] It's the Chicken Ball Awards!!!! [Suddenly, a deluge of water falls from above and Bastion dives off just in time as it soaks the Jusenkyo Dancers. Hiroshi and Daisuke walk on stage to survey the damage they caused when a crowd of six-armed Hindu goddesses glare at the duo. While they run from the Ashuras, Gary and Megane try their best to maintain a straight face. Megane snickers slightly before Gary nudges him. Bastion looks around and scratches his head nervously.] Bastion: Did this thing record? [Everyone sweatdrops.] ***BTW, kudos to Ray and his lethal Umbrella, Gary Kleppe, Zoogz, Megane, and Avatar. *** The audience breaks into applause as Avatar and Bastion take their bows and then leave the stage while Gary Kleppe walks back on stage. "And now, here to present the award for 'Most Overrated Fanfic or Series', accompanied by Hajime Saitou of Rurouni Kenshin fame, once again, Mr. Andy 'Avatar' Kent!" The stage darkens slightly, and two men step out to the podium. One of them is tall, slender, stunningly handsome, dressed in a severe blue uniform, and is smoking despite the "for your continued health and indeed existence, don't smoke" signs. The other one had much more facial hair, and the battered jeans and sneakers don't add to the picture. A spotlight comes up, and immediately focuses on the thin and handsome man. After a cry of, "Who let the fangirl up here?!" and several assorted beating sounds, the light centers itself on the podium again. "Thanks, Gary." Andy turns to the audience. "We've all read at least one great fanfic... the one that motivates us to slog through the spam at the FFML, looking for one more good story, time after time. They make us laugh, they make us cry, on occasion the lemons make us vomit, but a really great fanfic is worth every minute spent reading it." Saitou takes a long drag on his cigarette and says, "These are definitely not those fics." "Yeah. For every great fic, there's at least one which you read, chapter after chapter, only to ask yourself... is this it? I slogged through a meg of text for THIS?" "But these are much rarer. Not only are these stories a let-down, but first they've been built up." "Through 'buzz,' through comments by other authors, and even through their own authors' shameless self-promotion, these stories are those which have the furthest to fall from expectation to reality... the Most Overrated Fanfic of the Year." "And," Saitou says, grinning at the camera, "since I've been informed that slaying the offending author, while a pleasant thought, would be a gross breach of award presentation etiquette, we will simply hand out this twenty-pound industrial lead weight, with the author's name inscribed on the bottom." "This year's nominees are..." "'Girl Days' by Robert Heinie." "Haynie!" "Right, that's what I said." "..." "'Neon Exodus Evangelion' by Ben Hutchins and Eyrie Productions, assuming the mob with flaming torches doesn't beat us to them." "Also, 'Childhood of a Modern Dynasty, by Jim Lazar." "'Waters Under Earth', by Alan Harnum." "'Garden of Eva', by Jim Lazar." "Aho. You already did his fic." "No, really, he's on here twice." "Ah... 'Hearts of Ice', by Krista Perry, which she says will be complete any day now." "" "And, finally, 'Daigakusei no Ranma', by Paul Gallegos, David Tai, and others." "I never expected that I'd graduate from law school before Ranma got his degree, you know..." "This isn't the Procrastinator category." "Ah, right. Now, before we read the winner, let me remind everybody that this vote doesn't say anything about the quality of the fic." "That's another category." "Right. At any rate... the envelope, please." Saitou gives a blank look at Andy. "We don't have an envelope. The name's on the bottom of this dumb paperweight." "Well, lift it up, then." "You lift it up. I'll read." "" Saitou clears his throat. "And the winner is... 'Daigakusei no Ranma'!" Trumpets blare and the writing staff of DNR/U ambles out onto the stage. John puts away the trumpet and shuffles onto the stage, holding Ukyou's hand with his left hand, and carrying a giant inflatable dummy of Jeff Hosmer with the other one. Paul has mockups of Alexandra Texeira, their staff fan artist, and David Tai, DNR/U co-founder with Paul, under his arms. They quickly set up the dummies and themselves into a line, then Paul says to John, "She's fictional, you know." Ukyou whacks Paul in the head with her mega-spatula. "To me, you're the fictional one." "Didn't we go through this in the Round Robin already?" John asks. "You should know by now." Paul rubs a growing lump on the back of his head. "Right, right." He looks over at Saitou, and then back to the paperweight. "We won a paperweight?" Saitou moves to hand over the lead weight, but Ukyou's drumming fingers on her spatula convince him to just leave the paperweight on the podium. "Say something!" Andy hisses to John and Paul. "We're live here!" "Uh... I guess we'd like to accept this award on behalf of our missing people here," Paul begins. He looks at the paperweight again. "It's really a paperweight?" he asks Saitou. Saitou nods in response. "I guess this award isn't that unexpected, given the popularity of both series," John chimes in. "Heck, we were notified at the last minute that we had won. We didn't even know we were in the running!" "Well, it could be worse," Paul continues. "We could've been MST'd by Megane..." "I heard that!" shouts a voice from offstage. "We could have had our legs chewed off by rabid cows," John muses. "Let's not give the universe any ideas." "We could be mentioned in a story by Mike Rhea..." "Let's _really_ not give the universe any ideas, okay?" Paul says nervously. "This would be a bad time to mention Ukyou and I spent the budget for the next six months on a vacation to Acupulco, wouldn't it be?" John asks. "What budget?" Paul replies. "That would explain why we didn't even get to the airport." Suddenly, a giant wombat scurries across the stage with David in tow, obviously against his will. "Stop, I tell you! I'm not going out there... I hate cameras! I hate... bright lights! I hate... umm, hi guys," David says. The giant wombat releases David and shambles offstage to much applause. "David! Glad you could make it! Could you hold this a second?" Paul hands David the large paperweight. David is pulled to the floor immediately. "Guess what that is!" "It's our award?" David asks, reading the outside of the paperweight. "No! It's a paperweight!" Paul exclaims. "Right, Saitou?" Saitou sweat drops. "I couldn't tell," David says sarcastically. "Ain't it great?" Paul says. "We actually won something meaningful! Not like those other fanfic awards or write-ups by Taleswapper!" "I always liked Taleswapper's reviews," Ukyou chimes in, "mostly because he liked stories starring me." "I like those kinds of stories too," says John. "Go figure," chorus David and Paul. "Well, enough rambling on. Thank you everyone, sort of, for the award, and we hope to become even more overrated in the future!" John says. "Don't mind him; he has a brain injury," Paul says. "Say goodnight, John." "Goodnight, John," John replies, then Paul and Ukyou usher him and the stand-ins off stage. "Um... could someone help me carry this thing off stage?" David inquires. "Anyone? ... Hello?" As David seeks a stagehand to help him carry off the award, the announcer's voice booms once again. "And now... the best new author award. Presenting for this, is Mr. Steven Cornett." Steven steps out on to stage and approaches the podium. He wears an immaculate blue pinstripe jacket and tie with emerald tie tack. "Thank you. This is the part of our presentation where we take a moment to recognize the up-and-coming authors who have introduced themselves to the reading audience with fine stories and great tales. Some will drop out quickly, but many will go on to write many great stories to delight the fanfic reader for many years to come. "The selection of Best New Author was made by a direct tally of responses from you the public. How is that different from all the other awards presented tonight, you ask? "Simple! While the other awards had a nomination process to get a list of a few front-runners to be selected in a final vote, the selection and nomination for this was combined into one vote. You see, due to a... computer error (somewhere between the keyboard and the chair, no doubt!) the nominees for this award were lost. Thus, it was decided to have the winner decided by an open vote." Steven takes out a hastily prepared list and continues. "Of those nominated, these are the authors that received more than one vote. They are: "Robert Haynie aka Kenko," A few cheers go up on his mention, having been the winner for Funniest Fanfic. Steven continues, "Alain Gravel, Axel Terizaki, Don Granberry, and Miashara." After waiting a few moments for the last round of clapping for the nominees to die down, Steven takes the envelope, opens it, and reads it. He then announces, "And the winner is...Robert "Kenko" Haynie, author of "Girl Days"," Steven waits for a few moments for Kenko to walk on stage to accept his award, but the winner doesn't arrive. He turns offstage, and hearing some noises, whispers, "Hey! Get him out here; he's got another friggin' award!" An aide runs up to the podium. "Um... we can't get her-- him--- whatever out. There seems to be a fight going on," he whispers. "Say what?! A fight?" he responds a little too loudly. The aide nods as muttering drifts from the audience. "Well folks, what do you expect? He is a Ranma author, and one thing you can say for some of them; they really get into their work!" Steven offhands to the audience. "Let someone write a Ranma and Akane fic and they think they're some almighty Martial Artist type," he asides. Just then, the wall explodes, Happosai bounces out with fear in his eyes and lust in his heart as a group of martial artists and a fanfic writer rush out to pulverize him. "GIMME THOSE BACK! "DAMN PERVERTED OLD MAN! 'THOSE ARE MY PANTIES!" "Um, technically, they're mine, I just lent them to you--," One of the artists asides to the redheaded pigtailed girl in the group. "THIS IS NOT THE TIME, RANMA! I'LL KILL HIM!" Kenko shouts. "THAT I understand!" Ranma seconds. The presenter begins to look pale. "Um... is something wrong?" "SHAMPOO KILL OLD WEASEL!" "Weasel?" Everyone looks at Shampoo oddly due to her OOC witticism. "Shampoo try new insult. Is OK?" "It's just fine," Steven replies. "Just fine!" "Why are you taking this all so PERSONALLY?" Steven asks. "DAMMIT, when you steal panties off someone's body, it IS personal!" Kenko adds. "You know, Ranma, I think that Robert fits in TOO well with us." "You and me both, Akane." Ranma replies, "But where did she get that machine gun?" "Why ask me?" Akane shrugs. "I don't know where I keep my mallet!" The presenter begins to sweat. "Ah, ladies and gentlemen... we... have a small... um... problem... sort of..." He then turns to Kenko. "Still and all." "Hey make it quick. I have a pervert to kill!" Kenko shouts. "If you'll just accept this award and give a word or a grunt to the audience..." "DIE YOU OLD FREAK!!!" "That'll do. Here! Now go and annihilate Happosai to your heart's content!" Steven says while waving at the martial artist who have already rushed off the stage and are running up the aisle. "Have fun!!" "Thank god *that's* over with," he says as he walks offstage to make way for the next presentation, only to have Gary Kleppe rush on-stage and up to the podium. "As you can see," Gary says, gesturing at the stage, "this little bit of slapstick is getting kinda out of hand. So while we assist Security in getting things under control, please watch this clip of an interview that our very own Ukyo conducted with Zen. Enjoy!" *** : So how'd you wind up working with Ranma, in particular? : As for Ranma... that's harder to explain... a friend gave Zen the old Ranma Project tape and told her to watch it... Zen'd never have picked it up on her own, but after seeing it, Zen was hooked. Zen's still not really sure just what it is that draws her to the characters so. : What brought on a story like "The Bitter End"? : Ahh... well. Yes. Caroline Seawright had 'suggested' that Zen write a Ranma and Akane story, since she had so disliked the stories where 'you' got Ranchan... so Zen gave it a try. Started well enough... but then Sebastian Weinberg made a careless comment about how the only martial artist Akane could hurt really was Ranma... and things went downhill fast. : Wait a minute... the only martial artist Akane-chan could hurt? I can understand she's the only one who could hurt Ran-chan, but I've seen her beat up on others, such as Kuno and Happosai. [Smiling]: Oh, that's true... there is Kunou... but he's so seldom taken seriously... by anyone. It's sad, really. : Zen started to really *look* at Akane's personality... she's a lot different in the anime, you see. In the manga she can be sweet and kind - between violent episodes. But in the anime, her violent temper is exaggerated even further. : Why do you write these darkfics? : In Zen's case, writing darkfics was simply a matter of strength. Comedy is good... drama is good. Some people can even mix the two very well... Zen just never got the hang of writing funny things... : Bitter End was written because there was no other way to get it out of Zen's head. And Zen wanted it out. : What does you think of "Bitter End?" Is it a masterwork, as obviously many people have asserted simply by voting it into the Hall of Fame? : Zen can't really consider it a 'masterwork'... it's hard to think of any of Zen's works in that manner. Dunno... it's hard to imagine any other story getting quite the volume or intensity of response. In that context it'll be a hard act to follow. But that's really not why Zen writes... Heck, most of the stuff Zen writes no one ever will read. But there are still things Zen has to finish. : Like Long and Winding Road? [sweatdrops] Er... yes. You see, we know that Ranma met Ukyou when they were both six... and only have a vague idea of what happened to Ukyou between that time, and the time she comes back. The next couple chapters of LaWR are gonna build some of that backstory. Ukyou will be taking Ranma back to her old stomping grounds for a time... before they are forced to flee Japan. And just about ALL of that backstory will have to be made up out of whole cloth.... (For the Complete Interview: Visit http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/CB/cb1999interviews.txt ) *** "And now, to present our next category, the Chicken Ball award for the Best MST, are Caravan, the muse of inspiration, and making his... or rather her reappearance is Zoogz!" Megane scampers away from the microphone back offstage as the CB orchestra strikes up a chorus of the Mystery Science Theater theme song. "Get out there! You agreed!" the loud whisper admonishes from the back of the stage. Two figures appear at either wing of the stage. Caravan saunters from the left side in a short summery dress that has a floral print with a light brown background. Her reddish hair is styled in curls on the top and along the right side of her face. Zoogz walks in from the opposite side with the suit he had previously. However, not only is the suit wet and bedraggled, it also appears about three sizes too large. Zoogz's hair is shock white, and also hangs halfway to the floor. And there was no sign of the beard from earlier. As the two take their places at the podium in the center of the stage, Caravan giggles slightly and says, "I would remark that this has been *more* fun than a barrel of Nyannichuan, but..." Zoogz responds with a glare to someone offstage and the statement, "Gary, I'm going to get you for this one!" Gary Kleppe's voice, amazingly audible despite the lack of microphone, replies, "It's *your* fault we almost were beaten to a pulp by those Ashuras! Here's your choice, by the way... you can stay in the relative safety of the stage and present this category, or you can come back here and tell the Ashuras just what happened to the cure for their curses..." Zoogz sweatdrops and under her voice speaks, "It's not my fault they hid the barrel next to where I hid my Door Generator so that Hiroshi and Daisuke wouldn't get into it! Well, at the very least you own me a kettle of hot water when I get back." Caravan chuckles a bit more. Suddenly a roar raises from the crowd. "Someone needs our help!" a girl exclaims. Four girls approach the stage, two of them wheeling what appeared to be a changing booth. They successfully climb the stage stairs with the booth and immediately stuff Zoogz inside. Many various unfinished statements emanate from the booth, most involving the words "No way!" and "Not a chance!" When the ruckus subsides... The girls leave the stage as the leader remarks, "Mark another victory for the Fashion Club of Kolkhoz High!" They rush the booth out of sight but not before Zoogz steps out. She now wears a deep violet dress from her shoulders to just above the knees, a small silver bracelet on her wrist, and a purple orchid over her right ear to complement her flowing white hair. The crowd, along with Caravan, begins to chuckle. Zoogz does not look overly pleased. "Not *one* word. At all," she manages to growl. Caravan's laughter still echoes through the hall. "One just couldn't... cover it..." "At any rate, why don't we start our presentation?" Zoogz sees no objection from Caravan except a bit of silent laughter, so she continues. "Since we were asked to present the Chicken Ball for the Best MST, I thought what better way to do that then to have our own invention exchange?" Caravan composes herself to reply, "And, being the great goddess of inspiration that I am, I decided to humor our lovely *snicker* Miss *chuckle* Zoogz... can I call you Zoogie?" A flat stare. "No? Okay. Well, I decided to humor hi...her and skillfully implement a couple of my own!" "*Anyway*, since it is my presentation, I think I'll take the first shot." Zoogz ducks behind the podium and rummages around for the invention she knows she put there after her run-in with a misplaced barrel. "No, that's my DoCo... and that's the Anti-Up software... hmm. Oh, here it is." Zoogz stands up bearing a missshapen hunk of plastic marked "Door Generator" on the top. "I began thinking about what I could do to help those prospective MSTies out there in any way I could, and here's the answer. The 'Door Generator'. This thing will help you make the most killer door sequences, like the show itself and certain authors who seem to be nominated for this Chicken Ball award every year. You just input any number of anime, movie, television, book, or et cetera references... and out pops the paper!" Zoogz rips a paper from the side of the Door Generator, and tosses it aside. Caravan looks at the Door Generator with a gleam in her eyes, concentrates for a couple of seconds, and two tiny Jim Morrisons jump out of the output slot. "Hey! That's not what I meant!" "It's not my fault. It did say 'Door Generator', so I'm generating Doors!" Caravan answers. Both tiny Jim Morrisons start singing... one begins warbling "Break on Through" and the other one, probably a bit more stoned, repeats "I am the lizard king!" Zoogz starts to sweatdrop. "Ahh, can't you find something for them to do?" Caravan pulls two tiny bongs from Bongspace(tm), and both Jim Morrisons happily toke away. Still looking a bit flustered, Zoogz says, "Well... ah, it's time for your invention, Caravan!" "Well, given that I am a muse to authors, and what a talented muse at that, thank you, thank you," Caravan starts, but after bowing sees no applause... "Ahem... anyway, since I work with writers, I've designed and implemented the greatest creation of all time, the... the... umm... well, it's a prototype, so it doesn't really have a name, but look!" Caravan summons two items from Inventionspace(tm), a pencil and a notebook. Sweatdrop quite evident, Zoogz points to the notebook and pencil and stutters, "Ahh... those have already been invented..." Caravan looks insulted. "I know! But this is the... umm... Super Pad Neo II with Autopencil! Yeah, that's it!" "And you're sure you're a muse?" In a dangerously low tone, Caravan replies, "Lay off, Smurfette, I'm a muse in training." Caravan edges toward one side of the stage, and opens the notebook. A full desk unfolds underneath, the notebook landing safely on top. Next, she puts the pencil on the notebook and it stays upright. She recites, "The lazy brown anaconda slinks over the neato psychedelic Roger Dean album cover." Caravan picks up the notebook and shows the crowd the words that the Autopencil wrote. "Hey, let me try that!" Zoogz exclaims. "A big special thanks to Matt Johnston for helping with this presentation..." The Autopencil falls flat on the replaced notebook. "Oh... well they're made for me, a muse. Sorry." "Well, in that case.. I'll give up and you can start to introduce the nominees." -- MSTing of "Afura Mann, the Magnificent Babe" by Suzaku Soldier Author E-mail: patkelly85@hotmail.com Fic is at: http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/Roshi-MSTings/Afura-Babe.txt -- MST of "Eidolons - One" by Pi Author E-mail: sort@bucket.ualr.edu Fic is at: http://bucket.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/mst/ -- "'MST6.7' Episode 24: Okonomiyaki Summer" by Megane 6.7 Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/ -- "'MST6.7' Episode 22: Tortured Echo" by Megane 6.7 Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/ Caravan reaches for the gold envelope that until now was hiding in Little-gold-award-envelopespace(tm), and opens it. "And the winner is... Megane 6.7, for the MST of Okonomiyaki Summer!" Megane holds his right arm upwards in triumph as he comes from backstage with a huge grin on his face. Caravan offers him the Chicken Ball statuette, and gives him a small peck on the cheek before leaving the stage. Megane shakes Zoogz's hand before stepping up to the podium. "Wow, I just want to say, once again, how much I appreciate everyone who read my MSTings and who voted for me in this category. It's coming close to three years that I've been MSTing now and I can honestly say, it's been a great deal of fun doing them and a great pleasure to read your feedback and supportive comments and criticism. "I'd like to thank the talented people of Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings, who have always been extremely helpful and supportive of me and my works. They are my friends, whom I care a great deal about and whom are all extraordinarily talented in what they do. "Also, I want to thank a few people....Gary Kleppe, Keener, Zoogz and Jeffery Wong, for always being nice enough to proofread my works, give me their honest opinion of my material, and for contributing some memorable riffs that make my MSTings ever more fun to work with. My MSTings would not be what they are without these talented people and I hope we can continue to work together for a long time to come. "Finally, I'd like to thank Mike Rhea, both for being such a good sport about being MSTed, and for providing me with so much material! ;P Heh, but seriously though, I appreciate you giving your blessing to MST your works and I hope you never stop having fun writing. Thank you very much, everyone!" Megane 6.7 waves happily to the audience as he leaves. The stage remains empty for a moment before a man jumps out onto the stage. Actually, "is pushed" is more like it. "All right, already," he says, shaking his fist at person or persons unknown behind the curtain. "I'm going." The man walks shyly towards the podium, suspiciously eyeing the crowd in front of him. Sighing, he adjusts the microphone. "Ladies and Gentlemen," he begins. "Many of you know me already, while some don't. My name is Kyle Emmerson, and I'm here to present the award for Best Crossover Fanfiction in the year 1999. However, my co-presenter doesn't seem to be.... well... present. Heh." "Actually, I'm right here," a shrill voice announces. Kyle looks around in confusion for a second, trying to find the location of the voice. "Hello?" he asks, then checks his ears. "Is anyone there??" "I'm right here!" the voice shrieks. "Good lord, I think I'm hearing things." "Oh, right. I suppose I should make myself visible to mortals. That might help!" the voice says, laughing. Kyle just blinks. Looking up, he sees the air ripple a bit as a form appears. He falls over as the woman lowers herself down to the ground on an oak oar. "It's me! Botan-chan!" The woman waves happily as she lands. "Otherwise known as Death! Nice to meet you all!" Kyle gets up and shakes his head. "You know," he begins. "When they said my co-presenter would be from Yuu Yuu Hakusho, I figured it would be Urameshi, or Kuwabura... As long as it was someone LIVING!" Botan blinks at Kyle for a second. "Koenma-sama sent me here," she says. "You have a problem? Take it up with him!" Kyle's jaw drops. "I don't think that's necessary," he stutters. Turning away, he mutters to himself, "Great. That's all I need. Piss Death off." "Anyway!" Botan continues, facing the audience. "We're here to present the award for best Crossover!" Kyle hops back to the podium and continues. "That's right! And the nominees ARE..." -- "Children of an Elder God" by John Biles and RPM Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html -- "Differing Powers" by Louis-Phillipe Giroux Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.anime.sobhrach.com/~dragon/lines/lines.html -- "Juxtaposition" by Anand Rao Author E-mail: Anandr3@home.com, Jouve25@hotmail.com Fic is at: http://www.gsm.uci.edu/~arao02/ -- "Lines of Destiny" by Louis-Phillipe Giroux Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.anime.usacomputers.net/~dragon/lines/lines.html -- 'm.t.c.f.f. ULTRA' from ImproFanfic Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.improfanfic.com/ultra/ -- "Ronin Summer" by Morgan Hudson Author E-mail: dataraven_659@excite.com "You ever notice when two people take turns talking, it is abnormally annoying?" Kyle asks. Botan just shrugs. "Abnormal is my life." "Good point," he says, shrugging. "And now, for the winner." Botan nods. After a pause, Kyle clears his throat. "And now, for the WINNER." Botan nods. Kyle shuffles over to Botan and lightly elbows her in the ribs. She jumps and looks over at Kyle. "And NOW, for the WINNER," he says. Botan blinks in confusion for a moment, and then she clues in. "Oh, RIGHT!" she exclaims, pulling an envelope out of her pocket and handing it to Kyle. Kyle promptly opens it. "And the winner is..." he begins. "Children of an Elder God by John Biles and RPM!" Botan continues happily. John waltzes out onto the stage. "Many thanks to everyone for giving us this award. Those who didn't vote for us should probably round off the corners of their rooms so our pack of wild hounds of Tindalos can't find them. You know who you are. "Oh, wait, death threats aren't allowed. My mistake. Anyway, I've greatly enjoyed writing this series, and I promise you that we WILL finish it, if I have to move to Houston and glue myself to Rod's leg. For both of our sakes, that hopefully won't be necessary. We've got it planned out to the end, so we should be able to go the distance, assuming the world doesn't go up in flames first. "Crossing these two series was easier than it looks; they really fit rather well together. I've generally been the Lovecraft expert, while Rod is our EVA buff. While we've clashed at times, it's generally been a fruitful partnership with which I've been quite pleased. I'm also in charge of cracking the whip and forcing him to write like mad, while he's in charge of telling me Rei is talking far too much. I'm also in charge of ominous Gendo behavior, while he handles having monsters erupt out of people's heads. So that's how we divide up labor. And he's also in charge of the rest of this acceptance speech." John said as he stepped aside to give the floor to Rod. "Well... best crossover... "Damn. I just realized that 90% of my work is in writing crossovers. Yikes. "Anyway... er... thanks for the votes of confidence, everyone that voted. Hope that you'll stick around for the ride, as we're coming to the end soon... and hope that you read our future works... er... separately... that is... no plans for any further Biles/M work after CoaEG at the moment, but you never know. "Am I rambling? "Right, I think I am. G'nite everybody!" RpM waves as he and John leave the stage. Meanwhile, Megane 6.7 goes on-stage to announce the next presenter. "Ladies and Gentlemen, here now to present the award for 'The Kasumi/Keiichi', she is the author of 'Ranma Monogatari' and 'Flambe!', let's give a nice round of applause for Bridget Wilde!" (Music swells, violins soaring in a hauntingly sweet melody above the throbbing counterpoint of a cello. BRIDGET WILDE enters, wearing a demure red cheongsam, and carrying a small BABY, perhaps seven months old. As the music begins to fade, she places the BABY in the midst of an array of bright toys and approaches the microphone.) BRIDGET: So far in the Chicken Ball Awards, we have seen many authors held up as examples - both good and bad - of the fanfiction that is the primary purpose of the Fanfiction Mailing List. Yet to consider only the authors is to neglect another aspect of the FFML which is just as vital to its existence: Comments and Criticism. (She pauses to stop the BABY from crawling off the stage, setting her back amidst her toys.) BRIDGET: As I was saying, Comments and Criticism. If fanfiction is the meat of the mailing list, C&C is the lifeblood, the Holy Grail of the fanfiction community. No author is ignorant of the rapture that wells up when C&C overflows one's inbox, or the misery that comes when a painstakingly-crafted work is practically ignored. (She removes the microphone cord from the BABY'S mouth, replacing it with a string of teething beads.) BRIDGET: Yet C&C is not only a wonderful thing for our aspiring authors; it can also be a source of pride and enjoyment for those offering the comments. There is nothing quite like reading the final draft of a wonderful fanfiction and knowing that your own commentary contributed to its final glory, whether in major plot changes or minor proofreading. (The BABY crawls just out of sight behind the curtains; BRIDGET hurries off and carries her back to the podium, electing to hold her for now.) BRIDGET: However, C&C takes time, and even those of us who enjoy C&C may only partake rarely, due to the constrictions of Real Life, or for other reasons - Give me those! (She takes her notecards out of the BABY'S mouth.) BRIDGET: Where was I... AH. Despite this fact, there are those among us who go above and beyond the call of duty, providing C&C that is constructive and thoughtful - and somehow managing to produce large quantities of it. To honor these people, the Kasumi/Keiichi Award has been created, named for anime characters who seem to embody this selfless ideal - notwithstanding their interpretation in certain genres of fanfiction... Those who have been nominated for this award are well-known on the list for their commentary, and are all deserving of praise for their selfless efforts - for they are all authors in their own right, who still manage to find the time to contribute their critiques - OW! (She gently extricates her hair from the BABY'S fist.) BRIDGET: And the nominees are: D.F. Roeder, author of "The Accidental Goddess" and "A Tale of Ten Yen" http://home.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html Gary Kleppe, author of "Hearts and Minds," "There Goes the Neighborhood," and "I Dream of Ranma" - and, I might add, one of the people responsible for my joining the FFML waaaaaaay back when... http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html June "Karaohki" Geraci, author of "Breaking Free" and "A Change of Scene" http://www.karaohki.com/ and Vincent Seifert, author of "Taming of the Horse" and its sequels. http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/ It is a shame to have to select only one of them to receive this award; may we please have a round of applause for the nominees? (Everyone in the audience who has ever received commentary from the nominees applauds wildly; the resultant din can be heard several states away. Fortunately, BRIDGET thought to cover the BABY'S ears.) BRIDGET: But of course, this is an awards show, and so the winner is...Gary Kleppe! Congratulations! (BRIDGET scoops up the baby toys, bows, and makes her exit.) With Hiroshi following behind, Gary drags himself out onto the stage. His hand reaches up to steady the black wig on his head, the length of its hair tucked neatly into a narrow ponytail. The apron that he's wearing rustles as he steps up to the podium. "I did NOT have to dress up like this," he says to Hiroshi. "This award had *two* names, remember?" "Yeah, we know. All been taken into consideration." Hiroshi whistles sharply. Daisuke emerges in a floor-length bare-shoulder dress. A shawl is wrapped around his lower arms and torso. Various pieces of jewelry, all cheap-looking, dangle from his neck. A white wig rests on his head, topped by a scarf. Markings in the shape of a biohazard symbol adorn his forehead. "Greetings, Kasumi-slash-Keiichi," he begins rather woodenly, then clears his throat and switches to a higher register. "I am the goddess Belldandy. Because of your selfless work and dedication and other good stuff, you are to be granted a wish." "Er..." Gary replies, also adopting a pseudo-feminine voice. "Oh my! All right, I wish for the hungry to be fed, the homeless to be given a place to live, freedom for oppressed people around the world, and...." Daisuke interrupts. "I'm sorry, but you can't wish for any of that." "I can't?" "No, I'm afraid not. Goddess rule number twenty-seven. No wish shall be granted that is unsuitable as the basis for a wacky semi-romantic comedy, which must ensue immediately upon its fulfillment." "Oh. Goodness me. Well, in that case, I wish for...." Gary pauses, then switches back to his normal voice. "Guys, this sketch just isn't working. Take this back to wardrobe." He gathers his apron and wig and passes them off to Hiroshi. "Fusions just aren't my thing, I guess." Hiroshi and Daisuke fade back as Gary begins his speech. "Some of you out there might find it strange that I'm getting this award, and if you do, I can't say I blame you. The characters on which it's based tend to follow an 'If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all' policy. I don't. "To me, direct and honest feedback is the best policy. It's what I want from my readers, and it's what I try to give out to others as much as I can. I know that this has resulted in some ill will over the years; I wish it hadn't. But I also, shameless egotist that I am, like to think it's resulted in some fanfics ending up better than they would've been. "That's all I have to say. Thank you all!" As Gary walks off-stage to massive applause, Megane 6.7 scurries on-stage with a worried look on his face. "Uh, hi! Umm, we're currently experiencing technical difficulties due to reoccurring writer's block...." (Camera switches to backstage where a horde of angry monkeys at typewriters are throwing papers up in the air and throwing... um... *something else* at anyone who dares to come near them.) "As you can see, our crack staff of writers have run out of bananas and despite our reassurances that more are on the way, they refuse to type another word until they're fed... Yikes!" Megane ducks as a flying turd just barely misses his head. "Please bear with us by watching this excerpt from an interview with the DnR Crew conducted by the Satellite of Love's Joel Robinson, until the problem can be fixed. Thank you! *** Joel: When did you first become interested in writing fanfiction? David: *ponders* Saw fics on RAAC, figured I could do it, and went and tried it. Okay, maybe today I wouldn't, but back then, what, there were... hm. Very few. :) Paul: When I was working for the University of Arizona, I worked with a woman who published her own fanzines, mostly based on Highlander, MacGyver, War of the Worlds, and a few others. I read through a few of the 'zines and found them to be pretty entertaining. It wasn't until I got into the Anime scene, however, that I felt like I could try my hand at it. Getting a degree in Creative Writing only helped fuel the fire, so to speak. John: In the summer of 1993, when I discovered the internet. After reading some stories on what was then RAAS, I thought, 'I can do that!' Joel: Where did you first get the idea for DnR/DnU? David: Think it was Kimagure Orange College, actually. Paul: David Tai and I had finished working on "Monkey Business" and had started talking about doing a Ranma-in-college story since Kimagure Orange College had made its debut only a couple of weeks prior. Almost two weeks later to the day after that conversation, we were approached by Jeff Yang to do a Ranma-in-college story. The story was to be called "Ranma University" but never got off the ground from what I understand. David and I worked maybe one month with Yang before we realized that our ideas for Ranma and Co. could work better. So we spent umpteen million TALK sessions (IRC wasn't around yet then - I think this kind of shows how long we've been around :) fleshing out all the characters, the places, etc. and then began writing. DnU came about as we found we had more and more stories that centered around Ukyou. After discussing it with Jeff and John, we agreed that that Episodes 17-19 (commonly called the "Spiritual Arc") would serve as the lead-in for DnU. John: Paul and David created it, not me. Joel: Why do you think DnR/DnU might be considered overrated by some? David: Because, truthfully, IMO? There just aren't enough continuing series out there, so the choices in fanfic awards are pretty limited for that category. I can understand why there aren't a lot of choices, since it's pretty rough to do continuing series, but still, I'd LIKE to see more entries in that category. (And I STILL think Hearts of Ice should be more properly classified as a miniseries, rather than a continuing series, personally.) Paul: High expectations. When you've been around for so long, and won so many awards and garnered good reviews, people just expect perfection and scream when it's not there. I know for a fact there are people that claim DnR/U is overrated because they believe the original Takahashi characters are Out Of Character (OOC) and therefore the whole series stinks. There are still others who feel that the script-style writing we _still_ use is bad and therfore the story is bad by default. In Ryan Mathews' March '98 "Last Exit" column on Anipike , Ryan states that DnR/U is one of the most loved _and_ hated series of all time. That's a huge statement from the person who has been named the father of Internet Anime Fanfics. Whether or not this has contributed to the "overrated" label, I don't know. I say that as long as people read the series, whether they pan it or praise it doesn't matter - they're _reading_ it, and that's more than many fanfic authors can say about their works nowadays. John: Because not everyone likes a series as much as those who most vocally proclaim it's glories, and this causes those who aren't in the vanguard to think something is overrated. (For the Complete Interview: Visit http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/CB/cb1999interviews.txt ) *** The announcer's voice booms yet again. "And now to present the award for 'Worst of the Worst', he is a co-author of 'A Kiss to the Victor" and the author of 'Survivor's Story', Mr. David 'Fido' Lindquist! The audience applause slowly dies out as a man makes his way to the podium. Dressed in a jet black tux, he looks rather average except for a good sized beard and a baseball cap with a Seattle Seahawks logo on it. Once there, he pulls out a bunch of cards from his inside pocket and begins to speak. "Umm..hi..I'm David, 'Fido' Lindquist and I'm here to present the Worst of the worst award, given to a fanfic that for one reason or another the voters consider the most horrible piece of writing to ever grace the FFML or RAAC in 1999. "Now, we had planned on letting you see scenes from the nominees but...well...they kept breaking the TelePrompTers then--right out of the blue-- the International College of Mimes offered to act out some scenes and we accepted!" he says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. Multiple gasps run through the audience. "Okay! Okay! The truth is we didn't have a choice on using them! They said if we didn't , they'd sue!" Fido then shrugs. "I mean who knew the ACLU considered mimes a minority? "So, Read a book. Go get a snack. Heck, you could even take a nap! It's not like they're going to be loud or anything! Then again you can just enjoy the.." The rest of his speech is interrupted when a page runs out on the stage and starts frantically whispering in his ear. Once the page is finished talking, the announcer smiles then turns back to the microphone. "Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that the mimes will not be able to perform after all. They accidentally wandered into the room where we keep the cast of Urotsukidoji. I'm told it wasn't pretty." Fido then turns to the page, takes off his cap, reaches in and pulls out a sign. "Here, make sure this gets put back on the door, would you?" The page nods then rushes off the stage. "Now, the nominees for the Chickenball Award for The Worst of the Worst are: -- "Bubblegum Blade" by Paul Cousins Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/ BubbleGum_Blade_Chapter_One[Format_Problems_Fixed] [FFML][REPOST].txt -- "Evaless" by Kaworu Nagisa Author E-mail: Fic is at: ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca/pub/archive/ anime-fan-works/Evangelion/eva.evaless.gz -- "Kanashii no Imi" by 'Leaf-chan' Author E-mail: leaf_chan@excite.com Fic is at: http://www.crosswinds.net/~meridun/FFML/ Kanashii_no_Imi[FFML][Fanfic][Tenchi][Dark][Lemon].txt -- "Okonomiyaki Summer" by Mike Rhea Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://rei.animenetwork.com/ranchan/ "And the winner is... Okonomiyaki Summer by Mike Rhea!" Mike Rhea entered the stage wearing a Pokemon t-shirt,jeans,and an Expos cap. "Thank you,ladies and gentlemen,"said Mike as he accepted his award. "I'll now leave it to the Cloud/Tifa of Rumiko Takahashi fandom.Let's welcome,direct from Tokyo's Nerima district,Ranma Saotome and Ukyou Kuonji." Ranma and Ukyou entered the stage in matching okonomiyaki seller's outfits as Mike stepped away from the podium temporarily. "Good evening,ladies and gentlemen,"said Ranma."It has come to the attention of me and Ucchan that a certain fanfic author named 'defwood' has deflamed the champion of my engagement to Ucchan by writing 'The Trial Of A Ranma Fanfic Writer.'Not only is it very degrading to Rhea-san, Ucchan,and of course yours truly;it's also degrading to our beloved creator,Rumiko Takahashi.I seriously doubt that Takahashi-sama looks for Ranma fan sites on the web.I'm not sure that she even uses the Net." "Also...,"added Ukyou."...it comes to our attention that Chicken Ball co-founder Alan Harnum has recently written 'Mourning Becomes Kuonji.' The good news: it's the first fanfic that kills off Konatsu.The bad news: my characterization is very inaccurate,since Harnum-kun marries off to that drag-queen(in which I have absolutely no romantic interest in)before killing him off.I personally don't blame Rhea-san for pairing Konatsu with Tsubasa and vice-versa in his fics.On the subject of Konatsu,it has also come to our attention that a fanfic author who uses my name as her pseudonym has openly(in RAAF)ripped Rhea-san's treatment of Konatsu in his fics." "IMHO,that particular author's only good fic is 'Onion Tears.' As for Rhea-san's fanfics,they're not at all that bad.It just that the majority of Ranma fans are pro-Akane fanatics with very bad taste in Ranma fanfiction.I don't what Sean Gaffney was smoking when he wrote 'Sour Times,'and why Jeffrey 'Oneshot' Wong wrote that rapefic of his is certainly beyond me." "For the record,what happened between me and Ran-chan in 'A Wet Dream Come True' WAS NOT rape.It just that my beloved Ran-chan got a clue.Besides,Ran-chan...any word when the long awaited third chapter of Zen's "The Long and Winding Road" is due out?" "That's what I've been wondering myself,my darling Ucchan.On the subject of one our biggest defenders,it wouldn't be surprising if 'The Bitter End' made it to 'The Chicken Ball Hall of Fame.'IMHO,it's the only fic pairing me with that uncute tomboy that ISN'T OOC.OTOH,it also wouldn't be surprising if 'Daigakusei no Ranma/Daigakusei no Ukyou' won 'The Most Overrated Fanfic of 1999' award." "Our conclusion is that Rhea-san is a victim of a double standard:In other words,he's only just as fanatical about me and Ran-chan being together as the majority is about Ran-chan and that tomboy being together;but is wrongly slandered as a 'bigot' just because he's more of a purist than the majority.And speaking of bigots, it has come to our attention that a certain psychopath named John Nohkowski went on an expletive-filled tirade in connection with Rhea-san's most recent fic 'The Surprise Announcement.'Nohkowski-kun, this is for you:FLOUR BOMB!" Ukyou pulls out a package of flour and tosses it at Mr.Nohkowski.It hits her intended target in the forehead,knocking him out and creating a humongous cloud of flour in the area where he was sitting.Mike Rhea promptly exulted in satisfaction while Talen,who was sitting next to Mr. Nohkowski,coughs uncontrollably because of the massive cloud of flour that he was in the middle of. "Shifting to the topic of the fic that won 'Worst of the Worst'...," continued Ranma."...even though we mingled with several characters from other anime series;Rhea-san respected us by not only putting us together,but also by not inserting any opposition at the beach.My advice for the 'unworthy' Andrew Huang:You should be very grateful that Rhea-san pairs Ucchan with yours truly and not Konatsu.BTW,darling Ucchan,do you think it would be surprising if 'Stellarcraft' won the 'Best Fanfic of 1998' award?" "Of course not,Ran-chan...,"replied Ukyou."...even if it IS going up against the likes of 'Hearts of Ice' and a few non-Ranma fics.Anyway,I almost forgot something:'defwood,'this is for you.FLOURBOMB!" Ukyou pulls out another package of flour and tosses it in the direction of 'defwood.'Once again,she's right on target;as it knocks 'defwood' unconscious and creates a new massive cloud of dust in the area where he was sitting.As both Talen and a semi-conscious Mr.Nohkowski were sitting in the same area where 'defwood' was sitting,they began coughing in the middle of the cloud of dust as Mike again exulted in satisfaction. "Remember...,"continued Ranma."...please be sure to nominate and vote for 'The Trial Of A Ranma Fanfic Author' as 'Worst Fanfic,''Sickest Fanfic,'and 'Most Overrated Fanfic' in next year's Chicken Balls. Because even 'Family Stone'(which doesn't interfere with us being together)is far better than that fic,'Late for The Sky,''Sour Times,' 'Akane Can Cook,''Amaranthine,''Let's F***,''Incident At The Ucchan,' 'Daigakusei No Ranma',and 'Mourning Becomes Kuonji.'Combined.BTW, Ucchan,do you think that 'Furimbine:Ukyou Goes Postal' would have been a 5-star fic had Yoru-Hikage not only paired us up but also made me your 'accomplice' as well?" "Definitely,Ranchan,"replied Ukyou."Also,Ran-chan,what did you think of 'A Martial Artist In Sunnydale,'the Ranma/Buffy crossover starring dear old Ryouga-kun?" "Though it was rather short,it was still very good since it didn't interfere with us being together.Though we haven't read too many non- Ranma fics,do you think that the recently released Tenchi lemon 'Sasami's Horniest Home Videos' is still FAR more wholesome than all the pro-Konatsu fics combined?" "True,Ran-chan.In fact,of all the lemons released since December,it's an early favorite for 'Best Lemon Fanfic' in next year's Chicken Balls. Do you think that Robert Vincent deserves next year's 'The Best New Author of the Year' award for 'The Truth is Beheld By All,'Ran-chan?" "Definitely,Ucchan.While we're stiil here,Ucchan,why don't we give our detractors something to talk about?" "Why not,Ran-chan?" **Music:"Something To Talk About,"by Bonnie Raitt** As Ranma and Ukyou began kissing very passionately,Mike returned to the podium. "No,these are not actors...,"said Mike."...nor did I pay them to defend me.Ranma and Ukyou were sent here all the way from Nerima by the talented Ms.Takahashi.In next year's Chicken Balls please vote for either Talen or John Nohkowski as 'Chicken Cannon Target of The Year.' Thank you." As Ranma, Ukyou, Mike Rhea, and Bonnie Raitt leave the stage, the announcer speaks up one more. "And now it's time for the "Procrastinator of the Year" award, presented by the author of 'Mystery Science Theater 3.35' and 'This is the Way the Millennium Ends...", Miss Ukyou Kuonji!" The orchestra strikes up the 'No Brand Heroes' theme from Koko wa Greenwood as Ukyou strides on-stage from the *opposite* side as 'she' left, resplendent in a crisply-pressed tuxedo. Out of habit, several throwing spatulas are peeking out from her violet cummerbund. Clutching her arm is Shun Kisaragi, dressed in Clarisse's white wedding gown from the drama club production of Cagliostro Castle. He waves to the audience as the two approach the podium. Ukyou's smile is a bit crooked, as she glances offstage after Mike Rhea and company, and adjusts the microphone. "Thank you, everyone," she announces, followed by a murmured, "she isn't even my height..." She produces a gold statuette of a kinetic cube balanced on one of its corners and rotating atop what appears to be a thin spike extending from the base of the statue. "I think they're calling this," and she gestures at the spinning cube, "the Writer's Block. Shun and I are here tonight to present the Procrastinator of the Year award for 1999, and I, for one, am proud to have been asked to do so." A mischievous grin replaces Shun's broad smile. "You're not fooling me, Ucchan. You're just glad you're not one of the nominees. By the way, when ARE Suka-chan and I going to get some more action? I *know* people have been asking about us..." Ukyou's smile melts completely as she turns to her companion. "You know, sugar, I really wouldn't phrase it that way if I were you: Suka-chan still thinks you're a girl." Shun frantically tries to shush Ukyou, but she continues. "For you to get some 'action' would not be a good idea, ne?" "Ukyou, knock it off!" Do you know how long it took me to talk him down after Sempai referred to me as 'he' in Suka-chan's presence? Suppose he's in the audience?" Ukyou gives the audience a helpless look. "And people wonder why I can't continue this thing when my leads won't cooperate. But to answer your question, I have to get some of the manga translated before I can get back to working on Extended Play. I wanna twist the original events, but I have to know what they *are*, first." "Slick way to slip a status report into someone else's fic, Ucchan." Ukyou shrugs. "Not to mention advertising for a translator." "A translator?" Shun looks aghast. "You can't read Japanese, Ucchan?" Ukyou shakes her head. "And you call yourself a manga character... shame on you." "Hey, I notice you're speaking in perfect English, too... something you shouldn't be able to do. Call it the 'Skyler Sands' effect. Anyway, about what you were saying before, Shun-chan?" Shun nods, waiting for her to continue... he is not kept waiting long. "I'll be honest: winning this award is probably a dubious honor, but it's an honor nonetheless. It means people are reading your fic, and they like your fic, and they want more of your fic, and WILL YA PLEASE HURRY IT UP, SUGAR?" Ukyou suddenly becomes aware of the fact that Shun his stuck his fingers in his ears over her last outburst. A deep red blush washes across her cheeks. "Uh... I'm done ranting now, sugar..." Her face retains a sheepish expression as Shun uncorks his ears. "Anyway, I wouldn't mind being nominated for it." Shun grins. "It'd be better than nothing, ne?" "Don't remind me," Ukyou groans, then perks up as she returns her attention to the audience. "At any rate, the nominees have all been in progress longer than we've been working on our fic... heck, some of these may have been going on since before I started *writing*." Flashing a big smile, Shun begins the list. "And they are... -- Andrew Huang for "Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut" Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/> -- Angus MacSpon for "Sailor Moon 4200" Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://shell.ihug.co.nz/~macspon/fanfic/index.html -- Krista Perry for "Hearts of Ice" Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.akane.org/heartsofice.html -- RPM for "The Pursuit of Happiness" Author E-mail: , Fic is at: http://www.thekeep.org/~rpm/fanfic -- Zen for "The Long and Winding Road" Author E-mail: Fic is at: http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html Ukyou slips a envelope out from beneath her dress shirt, as Shun looks at her in some surprise. She fumbles with the seal as she announces, "And the winner is..." Shun can't stop staring at Ukyou's shirt. "How'd you manage to hide that thing there, anyway? That envelope's no postcard." Ukyou doesn't even look up as she continues to struggle with the envelope. "You'd be surprised at how much I can hide up there..." Shun's eyes widen, and he struggles to keep from giggling. Ukyou still doesn't notice his antics, though. "I've had years of practice, ya know." Finally, the seal breaks, and she pulls out the card with the winning title. "Ah, here we go..." She stares at the card, incredulous. "Well... Nabiki's gonna clean up on this one..." "How's that?" "Oh," Ukyou shrugs, "it's just that this'll surprise the betting pool... it's Andrew Huang, for 'Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut!' Come on up, Droo-chan!" The orchestra launches into a rendition of "Fly Me to the Moon" as a young, bespectacled Asian man in a nondescript black tuxedo walks slowly onto the stage, a nervous smile on his face. Accompanying him is quite a pretty young lady, wearing a long, flowing dark green dress. She is also smiling, but in a rather smug fashion. The two of them finally arrive at the podium. The man, Andrew Huang, bows to Ucchan and Shun, shakes their hands, and accepts the award. Then, he turns to the audience, sets the award on the podium, and clears his throat. He stares out at everyone, clears his throat again, then licks his lips. Nanami, the lady in the dress, elbows him. "Ugh. Ah. Oh...excuse me." He chuckles--nervously, of course, and extracts a piece of paper from the inner pocket in his tux jacket. "Er.... The Procrastinator of the Year. Yes...I had a feeling I was going to be in the running for this. Eh-heh." He stops, and pushes his glasses up on his face (in the way that Ikari Gendou does, by the way). "I must say that...I must say...." Nanami now frowns a bit, and nudges him again, a bit more gently. "Stop stalling," she murmurs to him. "Er, I must say...I don't know whether to feel honored, or very, very worried. Ahahaha." He scratches the back of his head, but before Nanami can urge him on again, he continues. "It's nice that you folks do remember my writing enough to vote for it...no, really. That's why I think I feel honored. Thanks! Yes. "On the other hand.... Well, er, I get this distinct feeling that you all are trying to tell me something, er, right? Eh-heh. Well, you see.... No, I'm not giving up on it. For real. I swear! It's just that I'm busy, you know? I'm a college senior right now, looking for a job, finishing off classes...." Andrew pauses for a moment. "Sometime this year. I swear," he answers a person in the audience. "Part four is in progress. Really." He mutters something to Nanami, which prompts a small giggle from her, before continuing. "I mean, I've enjoyed writing Evanjellydonut. It's been a lot of fun, and I know that a lot of people have had fun reading it. At least, so they tell me." He relaxes a bit, now. "I've got some things planned for them all. Misato, Kaji, Gendou, Hikari, the Children.... Eh?" A voice bursts out from offstage, and Andrew suddenly stops, looking off to the wings. "Get ON with it, you !" A girl stomps out from the wings, pale-skinned and blue-haired. She might pass for Rei Ayanami, apart from the uncharacteristically furious expression on her face and the black T-shirt she's wearing. If it weren't for the fact that most of the text is mosaicked out (hey, this is anime, after all), one might be able to see that the shirt is littered with obscenities and expletives. It is, in fact, Irate Rei, and she is by no means finished with her tirade. "Do you have any IDEA how long we've been waiting to give Asuka the thrashing she deserves?" Ukyou blinks. "Wasn't Asuka-chan already in the hospital when Andrew left off?" Irate Rei whirls on Ukyou. "That's ANOTHER thing! So was *I*, after Unit 02 did a number on my Eva! How much longer before we get OUT of there and get ON with things?" Another Rei steps out onto the platform. She is dressed in her usual body-hugging plugsuit, and has a more typically neutral expression. Professional Rei's tones are quiet and nearly robotic, much more in character for her. "Much as I dislike such excessive display of pique, Irate is quite right. There is, after all, that new Angel, Zeruel, that we have to deal with." She cracks her knuckles, loudly. "And I, for one, am more than ready..." "AND SO ARE WE!" With that offstage battle-cry, there comes the thunder of feet, and in short order, the entire platform is practically sagging under the weight of countless Ayanami Reis, a number of them wearing the traditional school uniform, others dressed more in line with their individual personality fragment, swarming onto every otherwise unoccupied square inch of stage. "Let's get on with the story! We haven't had a chance to get a line in!" various Reis start shouting. "See? Even now, we're just referred to as 'various.' Do you know what it's LIKE not to get your moment in the sun?" One Rei dressed in what could best be described as 'something a bit more... comfortable' sidles up to Andrew. "And I've only just gotten *started* with Shinji-kun..." Affectionate Rei continues, actually rubbing herself up against her, ah, 'creator.' "I know you don't do lemons, Droo-san, but I *know* I could get farther than I already have if you'd just give me the chance." A large sweatdrop runs down the back of Andrew's head, and his eyes dart back and forth between the sultry look Affectionate is giving him and the smoke beginning to rise from Nanami's ears. Ukyou notices a Rei hanging back in the wings, shifting her feet. "Hey, aren't you Nervous?" Nervous Rei nods. "Well, then aren't you supposed ta be out here keeping Affectionate in line?" Nervous Rei backs further into the wings. "In front of all these people?" Ukyou shrugs and turns back to the stage. "I might have known." She squeezes her way back to the podium, where yet another Rei, this one in a red plugsuit, drums her fingers on the podium thoughtfully. "Well, you know," Devil's Advocate Rei murmurs, "I suspect Asuka isn't too upset about the delay..." She is promptly shouted down by a large and vociferous group of Reis led by Affectionate and Irate. "WE WANT MORE!! WE WANT MORE!!" Several Reis hoist Andrew onto their shoulders and the entire mob of Reis carry him off, chanting all the way. There is a glint of golden metal at the foot of the podium, and Shun leans over to investigate. He picks up the kinetic cube that fell from its perch during the fracas. "Uh... looks like they knocked Andrew's block off..." Ukyou is looking out into the audience. "He wasn't the only one..." Evidently, someone tried to cop a feel from one of the Reis as the crowd swarmed past him. Judging from the fact that his chair has been ripped out and smashed over him, the hapless fanboy made the mistake of goosing Kickboxer Rei. "Ah... could somebody call for an ambulance?" While Ukyou heads offstage to arrange for medical assistance, Nanami stands at the podium, staring off in the direction that Andrew has just been abducted. After a few more seconds of silence, she turns to the audience, blinking. "Ah...well. I guess...it'll be up to me to finish off his acceptance speech." She reaches down to pick up the paper, which had fallen on the floor in the commotion. She starts to speak, then pauses a moment. "Didn't I have to do this the last time, too?" A shrug. "Oh well. He owes me another one," she says, with a grin. Shun blinks. "Owes you another... another what?" Nanami giggles. "That's between me and him... he knows where to meet me to discuss it." "And that would be... where?" "Why, Sprovieri's Ristorante, of course... best Italian food in Japan." Shun shrugs, and concedes the podium to Nanami. "Anyway. Hmm.... 'And who could forget the Council of Aya....' How wonderfully ironic. 'And who could forget the Council of Ayanami? That part's always been something I've enjoyed doing. Even got some things planned for the bridge bunnies. So just be patient, and there'll be more Donut coming out. I promise. Really promise. Pinky-swear promise, so help me God. I'm not kidding.'" Nanami pauses, and smirks slightly. "Yes, he actually wrote that. 'So, I'd like to thank my prereaders, the folks on KawaiiMuck, and everyone who's dropped a note with me to say that they like my stuff. I've really appreciated the support and help. Of course, I must thank Jinnai Nanami--'" here, Nanami pauses and blushes slightly-- "'for her help and inspiration. And as for the award--I think I'll feel more honored than worried. Thank you very much.'" She smiles to the audience. "So there you have it. And I'd like to reiterate, on Andrew's behalf, he's working on it. Really. Good night! ...now, to find where they took him...." Suddenly, the lights dim. The auditorium falls silent, save for the announcer's voice. "And now...." Music begins. Timpani thunders like the footfalls of some inexorably approaching behemoth, alternating between high and low notes. A trumpet blares out a fanfare; another joins in, then another. "YES!" Gary's voice calls out. "It's the moment you've all been waiting for! Um... well, actually, it's the moment for which you've all been waiting. Or maybe...." A low thump, a brief muffled "oof," and something thuds against the floor. Megane's voice continues. "Yes, it's the Chicken Cannon! We've assembled the people who YOU most wanted to see receive their just desserts -- heh -- and here they are now!" Spotlights flood the stage. Behind Megane stands a fiendish contraption that bears a striking resemblance to the infamous 'Cone of Tragedy' as seen in the PC game 'Sam and Max Hit the Road' It is an oversized yellowish teepee with three sets of bungee cords hanging from the tip with a pair of stainless steel protective anklewear (shackles) attached to the ends of them. The shackles are completely empty. Megane, evidently not noticing, begins reading from a clipboard. "Our first victim calls himself John Slim. He posted to the FFML a flame against...." He trails off as he sees Daisuke shaking his head. "We can't bring 'Slim' up here to be Chicken Cannoned," Hiroshi says. "Why not?" "Because we promised that we wouldn't give away his identity as long as he didn't try to rejoin the FFML. Which he hasn't done." "Kasumi's the one who promised him," Daisuke says. "I wouldn't want Kasumi mad at me." Hiroshi nods. Rubbing a lump on the back of his head, Gary begins to read from the TelePrompTer. "Okay, then. Our second victim is Rebeka Thomas. She...." The Horny Duo again shake their heads no. "Her too?" "No one's seen any sign of Rebeka since right before the Spammer of the Year award," Hiroshi says. "If we can't find her, we can't very well cannon-ize her." Megane checks down his list. "What about the last one? The Eternal Lost Lurker?" "He left about an hour ago. Said something about candy asses and how us losers should go rot in a pit of our own excrement or something like that. We didn't catch all of it, but what we did hear added greatly to our passive vocabularies." "Damn it!" Megane tosses his clipboard away; an "ouch!" is heard from the orchestra pit a moment later. "This is no good! Our faithful CB volunteer staff has been working day in, day out for years to make this ceremony possible! Think of the massive, crushing disappointment they'll have to endure if no one gets...." Suddenly, Megane's eyes narrow thoughtfully. He puts his hand to his chin for a moment. He and Gary look at each other, and then erupt in a storm of laughter that would make Clayton Forrester proud. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Megane asks. Gary stops laughing and stares back blankly. "Er, that's all right." Megane motions to the backstage crew. "Let's bring out our volunteer staff. All the hard work that they've put into this deserves a... special... reward, don't you think?" As the backstage crew leaves to search for the others, Megane takes Gary aside and whispers something that the audience can't hear. Gary's face lights up and with an evil grin, he takes a notepad out of his pocket and begins scribbling furiously on it for a few moments. Then he motions for Hiroshi and Daisuke to come over. "What's up, boss?" Hiroshi asks. "Shouldn't you guys be blasting somebody by now?" Daisuke adds. "Listen up, we're going to need you guys to do a little shopping for us...." * * * It isn't long before the entire CB staff is gathered on-stage, looking as confused as the audience. "You want us all to take our bows now?" Zoogz inquires. "Uh, shouldn't we do that AFTER we blast the Chicken Cannon Targets?" "Yeah, where are those three, anyway? Shouldn't they at least be hooked up to the machine by now?" Ukyou asks, a suspicious look on her face. "Er... well... we decided that it would be better to do it now before the stage is covered with food and other crap...." Gary explains while Megane nods in agreement. "Hey, I'm not afraid to get a little dirty...." Alan begins. "No, he's right!" KaraOhki exclaims. "They put some WEIRD stuff in that cannon and I had my fur groomed at great expense for this event! "You're lucky! All I had to wear was these jeans and sneakers. I couldn't even afford a shirt!" Avatar gestures at his ensemble. "I agree with KaraOhki! Let's do the bowing now while the stage is safe and clean!" Fido says. "Okay, let's just do it then! Time's a wasting and I wanna see the chicken stuff fly out of the cannon thingy!" Nightman adds. "And BEEF! Don't forget the BEEF! Where's the BEEF?!?" Dan shouts happily. "Hey, wait a minute! Where's Bastion?" Megane inquires. Hiroshi looks at Daisuke who mutters nervously, "Umm... we couldn't find him. He's very elusive, you see, and...." Suddenly the person in question rushes onto the stage, out of breath. "S-Sorry, I'm late, guys. Did I miss anything important?" "Nope, you're just in time! Line up with the rest of us!" Megane exclaims as Bastion does so. A moment later, the announcer's voice is heard. "Ladies and Gentlemen, let's give a special round of applause to the CB staff for all of their hard work and dedication to putting these awards together!" The audience rise to their feet, thunderously applauding the efforts of the CB crew as they all join hands and bow to the audience as one. Unbeknownst to them, however, Hiroshi and Daisuke have returned from their little shopping trip and are, even now, silently attaching a pair of protective anklewear to each of the CB staff's ankles. By the time the CB staff are on their third bow, the job is complete as they scurry away unseen, snickering to themselves. As Gary bows for the third time, he glances backstage to see Hiroshi and Daisuke giving him a thumbs up. With an evil smile, Gary releases Megane's hand and taps him once on the back. Once everyone has straightened up, Megane and Gary abruptly break ranks and rush off-stage... or at least that's what they try to do, only to have their legs yanked out from under them as they crash facefirst on the stage. "NOW!!!" Hiroshi and Daisuke call out simultaneously as a stagehand activates a switch on the Cone of Tragedy. The CB crew scream as they all have their legs yanked out from under them, flipping them over to hang upside down by their ankles around the Cone. There are numerous exclaimations of pain, fear, confusion and anger, along with a few choice four-letter words. "W-Where did we go wrong?!?" Gary gasps, disoriented. "You IDIOTS!!! You weren't supposed to shackle *OUR* ankles!!!" Megane roars at the horny duo. "Hey, that's what you get for playing mean tricks on your friends!" Hiroshi retorts. "Not to mention what happens when you refuse to pay us for overtime!" Daisuke added as he smirks at Gary. "W-What are you talking about? I don't pay you at all!" Gary replied weakly as the blood rushed to his head. "I'd pay to get rid of you if I thought it would work!" "Oh yeah... uh... er... Y-you were still going to do a bad thing so it's... it's our job to see that you get punished for it! Yeah! That's the ticket!" Hiroshi explains. "S-So you're going to let the o-others go then?" Megane inquires, trying to ignore the pounding of his temples. "Oh, hell no," Daisuke replies with a grin as he takes a remote control out of his pocket and begins fiddling with its knob. The CB crew members scream in terror as the Cone of Tragedy begins to spin around, slowly at first, but going faster with every passing second as Hiroshi approaches the podium. "And now, ladies and gentlemen, *FINALLY* the moment you've been waiting for all evening... Here are the 'Chicken Cannon Targets of 1999!'" Hiroshi announces proudly as the Cone of Tragedy suddenly stops spinning and splits into two parts, folding out into a wall with the CB crew members hanging next to each other by the ankles. The crowd suddenly comes to life as an enormous pressure cannon is wheeled out on-stage by a series of nameless grunts, dressed in combat fatigues. They are led out on stage by the duo of Tatewaki Kuno and Nabiki Tendo. The familar chant of TOGGG!!! TOGGG!!! TOGGG!!! is deafening as the grunts struggle to aim the enormous maw of the pressure cannon at the hapless CB crew, all of whom pale considerably, an amazing feat since they're all hanging upside down. "And now, ladies and gentlemen... the ammunition." Hiroshi exclaims as he and Daisuke suddenly pull on some arm-length rubber gloves, while stagehands bring in several buffet tables covered with trays of food and other items. The announcer's voice suddenly comes to life, providing a running commentary as Hiroshi and Daisuke begin throwing food items by the tray into the cannon's barrel... "Tonight's ammo includes... Water balloons... Rocks...." "This is the part where I'm showered with praise, riches and women, right?" Alan mutters weakly. "...Assorted Condiments...." "BASTARD!" Bastion screams, struggling in vain to free himself. "...Spam... Q-Tips... Venezuelan Beaver Cheese... Horseradish...." "I regret I have only one avatar to sacrifice." Zoogz proclaims, determined to meet his end like a man. "...Chicken Mcnuggets with BBQ sauce...." "Oh (we're about to get sunk by Senshi), dear!" Nightman yelps. "...BGC plushies... Milkbones...." "Top of the world, Ma!" Fido exclaims in his best James Cagney impression. "...Honey Garlic Sauce... Fettucine Alfredo... Kraft Miniature Marshmallows...." "MMMMMENDOSSSSSSAAAAAA!!!" Megane screams. "...Carrot cake with lotsa cream cheese frosting... hot fudge sauce... anchovies...." "MIYAH--HELP!!" KaraOhki cries out. "...Loosely packed $100 and $500 bills...." "Stercus, stercus, stercus, moritus sum." Avatar chants quietly. "...Okonomiyaki with a gallon of sauce...." "Hey, that isn't my Okonomiyaki... RHEA, YOU *BASTARD*!" Ukyou screams. "...Happosai's entire collection of unmentionables... Raw Beef...." "BEEF!" Dan exclaims happily. "And FINALLY, because it's provided us with so much comedy over the years... industrial-grade sneezing powder!" Hiroshi and Daisuke slip on a pair of gas masks and with a great effort, toss a huge sack of sneezing powder into the dripping and oozing maw of the cannon. Finally, they scurry away from the cannon to a safe distance on the side of the stage. "Let's start the countdown! Five!" Hiroshi exclaims. "Four!" Daisuke continues. "THREE!!!" The audience chants. "Twuuo!" Doctor Lecter shouts from backstage, his mouth full. "O-one...." The CB crew whimper. "FIRE!!!" With a deafening roar, the massive cannon discharges. "OOF!" is the only sound Gary Kleppe makes as the blast hits him. The others merely hold little umbrellas in their hands as they feel the wrath of the Chicken Cannon. When the volume of the blast has subsided, the audience breaks into wild applause as the sounds of many explosive sneezes come from the now-obscured stage area. Hiroshi and Daisuke approach the edge of the stage and joining hands, bow. "Does this mean we'll finally get some chicks?" Hiroshi wonders aloud as the curtain slowly comes down. THE END. C&C, as always, is welcome. :) CB HOMEPAGE MAINTAINERS: Alan Harnum, Gary Kleppe, Dan Root CB HOSTS: Gary Kleppe and Megane 6.7 CB INTERVIEW COORDINATOR: Zoogz CB INTERVIEWERS: Fido, Megane 6.7, Ukyou, Zoogz CB PRESENTERS: Everybody! Some of us twice! ;P CB AWARDS SEGUES: Gary Kleppe, Megane 6.7, Zoogz CB MUSICAL: Avatar and Bastion CB EDITING: Gary Kleppe, Megane 6.7, Zoogz CB OPENING 'CHICKENBALL' SKETCH: Ukyou CB VOTE COUNTER: Ukyou Alan Harnum http://www.thekeep.org/~mike/transp.html Andy 'Avatar' Kent http://members.tripod.com/~AvatarHR/pl.html Bastion http://pweb.netcom.com/~bastion/index1.htm Dan Root David 'Fido' Linquist Gary Kleppe http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html KaraOhki http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/rothko/228/ Megane 6.7 http://members.xoom.com/RyanMercury/megfics.html Scott 'Zoogz' Jamison http://www.fotunecity.com/victorian/dada/1212/ Steven 'Nightman' Cornett Ukyou * * * There is a gurgling sound and two gasps of relief as Megane and Gary finally extract themselves from the sea of goo on the stage. "Ha-choo!" Megane wipes his nose and sniffs once. "I wonder if we can find a dry cleaner at this hour?" Megane mutters as he takes off one of his shoes and turns it upside down, anchovies and honey garlic sauce spilling out. "I don't know, let's try and find one while we plot our revenge for those two idiots...." Gary replies darkly as he struggles to remove a pair of Happosai's panties from his hair.... Suddenly, both of them are covered by a large shadow. Megane suddenly has a flashback to that moment in 'The Shadow' when Tim Curry was about to get his ass royally kicked as he and Gary swallow nervously and glance behind them. A large, almost human-looking glob towers over them. Then, a chorus of voices, speaking as one, mutter the following words.... "THIS WASN'T DISCUSSED IN REHEARSAL." Megane and Gary have the briefest of moments to blink in surprise. Then Fido suddenly charges from the goo, his eyes full of fire and his voice full of bloodlust as he and the rest of the CB crew scream. "DIE!!!"