A DOT EVERY T PRODUCTION: "House of Ikari" (A Neon Genesis Evangelion fanfic) === Mystery Science Theater 3000 characters and situations copywrited and property of Best Brains, Inc. Neon Genesis Evangelion is property of Gainax and A.D. Vision "House of Ikari" is property of Teisu, who we thank graciously for allowing us to MST it. His WWW link can be found at the end of this MST. Boardwalk is no one's property until someone lands on it and pays for it. === -- Satellite of Love "But I'm ALREADY paying you!" Mike yelled into the phone. "I know, I know, it always depends on how much, but don't you think three thousand is quite enough?!" Suddenly, Tom Servo popped up in front of Cambot. "Welcome to the Satellite of Love, folks," he whispered. "Today, Mike found out that a stray commsat collided with the Satellite of Love, and that the commsat was uninsured! Let's watch as he tries to get someone to pay for the damages!" he whispered "Yes, fine, I honestly believe that my policy says... yes, I'll hold." Mike sighed resignedly. "They gotcha already if you hold, Mike," Crow piped up from the left side. "You can't show them weakness, buddy, they only reply to strength." "This is almost enough to make a man build another baking soda and vinegar bomb..." Tom hovered to the desk to find the red light flashing. "Well, if you want any more reason for that Mike, the Dr. F's on the horn." "Aww, shoot... I didn't even make an invention! You guys have any ideas?" Mike exclaimed. "I get all my good ideas in the kitchen," Crow started. "Eating RAM chips is my best inspiration!" Mike looked panicked. "Well, you answer it for a while Tommy, while Crow and I hook something up quickly." "Roge-O, Arm and Hammer." Mike hit the button and rushed toward the Satellite's galley as Tom answered the viewscreen. "Yes, your imperial graciousnessesessessssses?" -- Deep Thirteen "You're the only one there, Clearhead?" Dr. Forrester asked the screen. "What happened to the thin gold robot and the beefy yellowish temp-worker?" "Ummm... they had to step out for a second to see how much damage the Satellite took from that last satellite, seeing as how insurance estimators find it hard to show up..." Tom went on lamely as clunks and bangs could be heard through the audio pick-up. "Izzat so? What the hell do they think I am, some sort of Mormon missionary to leave upon the doorstep? My time is much more valuable than that, I can guarantee that... you tell them that if they don't get their pasty-white and/or thin golden butts out here now, they get ANOTHER junky Neon Genesis Evangelion post to choke on!" Dr. F threatened. "Guys, you'd better get that invention done quiiiicklyyyy... Dr. F's getting really belligerant out here!" Tom called. "We're practically done, we just have to test it!" Mike responded. "You'd better test it out here, Mike!!" Tom bellowed. "Okay, okay, here we come!" Crow yelled back. Mike and Crow returned to the bridge of the Satellite with a Brita water pitcher that had some strange attachment inside the pitcher itself. "What's the hurry, Murray?" "The hurry, my James Deans without a clue, is the fact that I am an EVIL mad scientist and I have things to DO! What's the idea with wasting my time?! Now, because I'm concerned about your health Mike, I'm sending up some Bug-Bite Cream! I expect you to use it, right now!" Dr. F moved away from the screen and put a small tube in the Umbiliport, and pulled the trigger to send it. "I got it, Dr. F... but we don't have any bugs in here! Why should I wear it?" Mike inquired, as he rubbed a bit on the back of his hand. Before a couple seconds elapsed, he saw red mosquito bites rise up on the back of his hand, and ran again off-screen. "Guys, what did you do with my Calamine lotion?!" Mike asked. "Not the slightest, we don't use it!" both 'bots chorused. When Mike returned, Dr. F was gloating some more. "That's what you get for making me wait, Mike. This is my new Bug-Bite Cream. It's not to prevent them... it's to create them! Now show me this invention that you didn't even create before poor lil' me went and called you up?" Crow pointed to the Brita pitcher, as Mike came back with a much pinker and bandaged hand. "This, sir, is our Musical Water Filter! We were so impressed with musical water fountains, we figured that we'd apply the same principle to refrigerators across the nation! And all that matters is the kind of water you put in!" Mike showed off a measuring cup that was marked '70's Gold' on the outside, and started pouring it in the pitcher. Then, he and the two 'bots began singing along with the music... "I'm wastin' away agin' in Margaritaville... Searchin' for mah... lost shaker of salt!" In Deep Thirteen, Dr. F covered his ears. "Man, I'm sure Lassie could sing better than you three! Doesn't it play anything else?" The three singers stopped as Mike pulled another measuring cup, this one marked 'Oldies'. "Sure, sir... like we said, it depends on the water filtered. For instance, that first cup came from the toilet. This cup of water was melted from the ice that forms on the outside of the satellite... and if you're really desperate, you can do the Kevin Costner from Waterworld..." Mike turned his back to the camera, sighed once, and turned back around with a cup full of yellow liquid. "...you can hear THIS!" The filter played the first few chords of YMCA, as Crow did the arm motions and Tom danced about. "Y... M... C.A.! It's fun to stay at the Y... M.C.A-hey!!" "Oh, man... and to think I was about to feel guilty about this! Your fic for today, you barely Barishnikovs, is a rather horrid example of a Neon Genesis Evangelion fic! For the third time! Suck it hard, 'cause you guys really do suck hard!" Dr. F yelled as he queued up the 'fic. "Hey man, cool disco light show!" Lights flashed as Tom yelled over the din. "No, that's FANFIC SIGN!!" Mike responded. [6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] >Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is the property of >Studio GAINAX, and the US distribution rights belong to AD >Vision. No profit is being made nor is expected from this >work. Mike: That's GAINAX, in big bold CAPITALS! Crow: Hell, if Gainax couldn't make a profit, why should this guy? >Characters such as the Geisha Aiko and other characters not >contained within the original story were invented by myself, >and any resemblence to actual characters living or dead is >purely co-incidental. Tom: Any trace of personality in these original characters is also co-incidental. Mike: Like anyone living would want to admit to being these characters Crow: Besides, they should be flattered to be in a work like this! Flattered, I say! >Permission is granted to redistribute this story in its >original form electronically, Mike: Electronically? Like Morse code and facsimile machines? Tom: Permission however is denied to redistribute this story in the original Klingon. Crow: And summaries may be printed on napkins and distributed hand to hand. >as long as all accompanying disclaimers and notes are >included. Tom: But feel free to add your own! Mike: Party of the first part shall be known as "party of the first part." Crow: ALL of them, y'hear me? I want the whole long-winded thing in there! >This fanfic contains many spoilers and was intended as a >personal fanfic to make up for the (IMHO) abysmal way the >original series ended; Tom: It should have been... a pirate epic! Featuring Long John Gendo and Lady Misato! With Shinji as "The Scurvy Scalawag"! >an eagerly anticipated finale (Japanese version) left me >pissed off, discouraged and a little depressed. Tom: Probably because I couldn't understand a darned word of it! Crow: Wait till he sees the director's cut. Mike: And as my psychologist told me it was a good thing to express your feelings... I need a hug, readers! >So yes, it's basically a feel-good story. Crow: Today, on ABC's weekend special... The Days of Evangelion... The troubled story of teens and the giant robots they pilot Tom: No fights, no blood. Just the pacific coexistence of Angels and Evas and Gendo and Shinji and... Mike: Sorry about the Second Impact, chaps. Tom: Quite all right, ol' bean. >Several people have commented that others might enjoy it. >I polished it a little, ran it through a spell checker, read >it for the 20th time. Tom: Who knew I could get screen burn on my eyes? Mike: ...and then sent the rough draft. To keep C&C interesting, y'know? Crow: But I feel it's still missing something... Ah! I know! A plot! >There will be 5 to 10 posts at about 1 week intervals >before the full story is posted. Crow: There will be weekly quizzes. Mike: 5 to 10 posts? Who is this guy? Gary Kleppe?!? Tom: And as a special suprise, post 6-8 have been plotted by the Random Delta Invasion Generator! >I had no idea where the story would go when I began it. Tom: Des Moines seemed so lame, I just let it wander about in Iowa... Crow: And as I still don't, consistency is assured. Mike: Free range plot, the only way to grow fanfiction >I have finished the story, but I can always add more >chapters OR even write another fanfic. Crow: I mean, I still have all of my fingers! Tom: Check it out, it's the author's C&C ultimatum. Mike: Unless of course you pay me a sum of... One! Million! Dollars! >My knowledge of Japanese culture is limited and doubtless >has many mistakes. A kind nudge in the right direction is >ok.:) Mike: A stiff uppercut, though, is pushing it. Tom: Mallet at the ready! Crow: Okay... Japanese girlfriends usually yell "DA-CHA!" and electrocute their crushes. Got it. Tom: Limited as it is, I just had to have a geisha and a yakuza. I HAD to. >---Warning: Contains strong sexual content in later >episodes.----- >Don't get started if you object to lemons! Tom: Oh, now I get it why this is a 'feel-good' fic. Subtle... >This story was not originally intended as lemon, But later >episodes contain a strong sexual content of a non-violent >nature. Mike: Meaning Asuka's NOT involved in it. Crow: Translation: The author got horny. Tom: Not to mention an alarming amount of MSG. >Some strong language exists, but I thought that the >situation called for it. Crow: For instance, I just *might* have slipped the words "virile", "vital", and "muscular" in there! Tom: The language was aged in the vineyards of Bartles and James an extra long time, so its flavor is full bodied... Mike: That's right! I used HECK! I'm not proud of it, my mother's ashamed of me but the... the HECK with her! Yeah! Now somebody bring me some gosh darn milk! >Constructive criticism,comments, or even a kind word are >welcome at >teisu@my.host.net or >bthies@yahoo.co.jp Crow: Because I wanted Japanese spam in MY mailbox! Tom: Cause see he's the host and... oh never mind. >Thanks to all the other fanfic writers who gave me the >courage to try my hand at writing this. >Teisu Mike: And here I was thinking it was Anno's fault for writing such a horrid ending... Tom: But don't tell my left hand! We don't want it to know what the right is doing! >The House of Ikari >Chapter 1 Mike: After a prologue like that, who needs a fic? Crow: Also known as 'NERV'. Tom: SHHHH! You'll give away the surprise ending!! Crow: After the success of their Arcade game and the residuals from the Nintendo port, The Ikari Warriors had fallen on hard times.... Mike: Well, we had to do something till the King of Fighters series! >"Give me back my Shinji!" Misato screamed at the eerie form >of EVA Unit 1. Tom: What's the magic word? Mike: It's the two-eyed, one horned, giant purple Shinji eater! Crow: But Yui just wants to spend some quality time with her son, is that so wrong? >The empty entry plug and plugsuit were lying on the ground >in a pool of LCL. Mike: Or is that Asuka's home-brewed beer? I can never tell... Tom: But a little CLR and water gets them instantly clean! Amazing! Crow: That's amazingly astonishing! >Almost in answer, the nude form of Ikari Shinji was spewed >out of the EVA and lay on the ground. Mike: Storytelling by proxy. Gotta love it. Crow: NEEDS MORE SALT. >The recovery team scrambled into action. >Shinji awoke several hours later. How long? A month! Tom: No, sixty-four days! No, even better, five months! Mike: several hours later... a month.... Nope, don't get it. Crow: Next time on Emergency... 9... 1... 1... >After being poked and prodded, stuck and probed, being >wired up to every imaginable recording and sensing device >over the next several days, Mike: ...the author concluded that it SHOULDN'T be a Tenchi Muyo! crossover and sent Washuu-chan back to her own universe. Tom: They finally determined that Pat WAS in fact... A hermaphrodite. Crow: Shinji concluded he was better off back in the Eva. >he was allowed to return with Misato to his residence. >"Instant curry with ramen? Reminds me of my first meal here. >And I thought the infirmary food was bad!" Mike: Say good-bye to Shinji, and hello to Tom Dyron! Now get him a damn beer! Tom: Hell yeah! Crow: Damn that health insurance plan! Whose idea was it to send me back to Misato for convalescence?! >Misato as usual was lounging in a pair of extremely short >shorts. Crow: Not that I mind but shouldn't you put a shirt on? Tom: Fan service, it's got to go somewhere! Mike: Straight to the hips, we see. >"Butt floss", he thought getting an eyeful of her cheeky >buttocks protruding from under her scant clothing. Crow: Is this supposed to be enticing or merely boring? Mike: Cheeky buttocks? Is that like leggy legs? Tom Shin-ji likes cheeky buts alright! It's something that he can't deny! >"It's so good to have you back!" Misato oozed, probably due >to the 4 beers she had consumed while preparing her >trademark instant dinners. Crow: Misato drunk after 4 beers? That's way OOC... Tom: Yes! It's Misato Brand Instant Dinners! Try our duck in white-wine! Or our steak in cognac! Hell, just take our burgers soaked with beer! Mike: She had her Yebisu replaced with a fine Australian table wine. >Asuka was her usual fiery self, "I suppose you want your >room back!" Crow: Nah, yours is a lot roomier. Besides, doesn't that squeaky mattress drive you nuts? Yours is soooo much quieter! Tom: And Shinji and Misato all roasted marshmellows while Asuka's fire raged... >"Sorry, but where am I supposed to sleep?" apologized >Shinji. Mike: Ooh, I'm getting a vision... yes, I see it now... it's Shinji, with his pillow and teddy bear, on the FLOOR! Crow: How can you apologize in a question? Though I guess if anyone can, it'd be Shinji. >Suddenly the Major was speaking. "Get your stuff out of his >room, and do it now! Mike: I knew ADV would work their catch phrase in the translation some place. Tom: Meanwhile, the Minor was trying to bribe a passing adult to buy him beer and a Penthouse. >"And find get his SDAT Player and tapes for him too. You did >what! Well get them back or you will be doing dishes and >chores for the next month to pay for their replacement!" Tom: Uh-oh, Misato's talking to herself...That's a sign of insanity... Crow: Misato really needs some happy pills to repress that second personality. Mike: So instead of risking my life in battle, I could wash dishes instead? Gee, tough choice.... >Asuka decided that a slightly drunk and angry Major >Katsuragi was nothing to argue with and left the table. Crow: I'm gonna go find me a better sober argument! Mike: But I paid for an argument! This is just contradiction! Tom: No it isn't! >While Misato drank a few more beers and got a little too >close and gushy, Shinji noticed that Asuka was moving a great >deal of material. Tom: What's the deal with airplane peanuts?!? Crow: Been done. Tom: No respect! I don't get any respect! Crow: Nope, try again. >Videotapes, CD's, books, school uniforms, underwear, >pillows, and video games were carried across the hall and >unceremoniously dumped on the floor in her room. Mike: Because that's the best way to treat videos, video games, and CDs. Crow: The Real World in Tokyo-3 Tom: This must be a Third Impact fic, everyone is nice and gushy here... Crow: That's funny, this fic has absolutely no impact on ME. >A few minutes later, Misato performed inspection, of >Ikari's quarters. Mike: Misato found Asuka's secret stash of commas. >"Sweep and mop it as well", she growled at Asuka. Tom: It's "This Old Home", with Asuka Soryuu Langley! Crow: And don't forget to recarpet the place... and after you're done, restore the hardwood floors! Mike: I'll sweep and mop you.... >"But." >"You'll do the windows too, if you don't put my underwear >back! The silk ones with the lace trim - especially!" Tom: But I already did the windows! What do you think I needed your underwear for in the first place! Mike: Does anyone else wonder why Asuka is talking all of this calmly? Crow: Nice to know the author stuck to the formula of angels and EVA units. This is EXACTLY what Anno should've written! >Shinji looked up at Asuka as she turned a brilliant shade of >crimson complementing her red hair. Shinji blushed. Mike: That'll complement her even more. Tom: Too much red tint. Hey, stop playing with the fic's color! >"There, there, Shinji-chan," Misato cooed. >"Perverts" said Asuka, getting back to her chores. Crow: Misato's cooing? And with Asuka acting like Kasumi... what's the deal here? Tom: To get that nice happy feeling I had to rewire some of the personalties... Mike: Be sure to watch out for Bubbly Air head Rei, and Surfer Dude Gendo to appear later! Crow: Narly! Tom: [singing] Beach Blanket Gendo! Beach Blanket Gendo! >An hour later, Shinji lay quietly in his room, no tape >player to distract him, listening to Misato and Asuka each >laying claim to various pieces of apparel. Tom: I call the crotchless ones! Crow: But I get dibs on the leathers! Mike: Okay, but the Hello Kitty shirt is mine I tell you. Mine! Crow: The men's business suits are mine! Tom: Why? Crow: Because George Zimmer said so! >Misato knocked a few minutes later. " It's good to have >you back," she whispered. "Asuka is also pleased, although >she is too proud to admit it." "Sleep peacefully, Shinji- >chan." Crow: Thank you for rescuing me! But the Princess is in another castle! Tom: For beneath her mean and bitchy exterior lies a heart of Formica.... Mike: So how did the argument end? Who got the most clothes? Why can't this fic show us this stuff? And why do I care? >"Ikari!" Touji yelled. Asuka called this morning and asked >me to bring this. The batteries are new, and you can even >have the tapes I bought for it". Crow: Well if it isn't my old friend, Toji McGreg, with a leg for an arm and arm for a leg! Tom: Man, even 'Relationships' dealt with time better than this! Mike: If the author's not going to draw distinctions between several hours and a month, I doubt much of an effort would be made to say that Shinji slept for a night... >"Boy, are you pale! Have you spent the past month in >the hospital?" Crow: No, on the internet. Heh, thank you! Tom: Shinji, closet Everquest addict >"I don't remember anything except the battle and waking up >3 days ago." Tom: Oh great, an amnesia angle. Crow: Maybe they'll hit him on the head to help bring his memory back... Mike: I have the strangest craving for Tang(tm) though... >"Welcome back anyway." >The teacher entered, the class arose in unison and bowed. >"I see that for once in a long time everyone is present", >remarked the teacher. "Please be seated and let's begin. Crow: Hey, that class just appeared out of thin air...I cry foul! Tom: Shenanigan! Shenanigan!! I declare that this fic is pulling a shenanigan! Mike: Don't complain. At least the story is going someplace now. Tom: Yeah, the road to nowhere. >The day was pretty much like any other; the teacher was >asked a question about the Second Impact and proceeded to >spend the entire day lecturing on it. Mike: The Second Impact was caused by... anyone, anyone? It was caused by a meteor that landed in... anyone, anyone? It landed in... Crow: I don't care if every other NGE fic has done the second impact joke! Mine is better! Tom: By the end of the day, the spitball count was fifty-seven and the number of book droppings and pencil whippings had risen to new heights. Mike: Not to mention the mechanical pencil garden in the acoustic tiles... >Touji sat smugly in his pride of being able to manipulate >the teacher to a no-brainer subject. Tom: Sadly, despite how far the Japanese education system has fallen, the US one still lags behind... Crow: Okay... if Toji outsmarts you, I think you have a definite learning disability. Mike: He gets their sympathy considering his sick sister has to carry him to school now. >Asuka sat studying Kanji, hoping the teacher didn't notice, >Rei sat at attention patiently listening, Kensuke was >stealing glances at a pair of legs carelessly (?) left >exposed. Tom: Setting... check. Crow: Wow, Shinji's gams are to die for! Mike: Okay! Who left these legs here? Tom: Toji's protheses are SO sexy! >Shinji was looking through the laptop computer at the >material missed during his absence, to his surprise a >message appeared. Tom: Do you enjoy seeing unspeakably horrific photos of hideously ugly women naked? Crow: AHHHHHHHH!!! Mike: Do I hear the sounds of someone using AIM? Detention! >" Thank you, Ikari-sama. " Crow: Now the fic flashes to Gendo's office! About time! Mike: And suddenly Gendo appears out of thin air...How very odd... >Shinji was surprised at the use of the high title used >with his name. Tom: Is anyone else disturbed at the idea of Shinji being called a god? Crow: Aw, come on, teach. You know I want to be called Pooky-sama! >"Thanks for what?" he typed back. >"For my life, for those in this school and all on the >earth." Crow: Well, at least the fic is being upfront with it's uber- Shinji.... Mike: Well, I know I'm a stud but really... Tom: [singing] Did you ever knoooow that you're my HEEEEEERROOO!! Crow: This must be the special Carl Macek Eva that he's producing for ADV. >"Who is this?" Crow: Dave! Tom: Dave's not here, man! Mike: Signed... Duo Maxwell. >"I pledge my life to you." >CONNECTION ENDED Tom: Damn! And I was just about to ask her to cyber too! Crow: Wow, this fic handled computers as realistically as Hackers! Mike: Is this the 'House of Ikari'? Crow: It's not the Garden of Allah, that's for sure. Tom: Hell, this ain't even the International House of Pancakes. >"...And that concludes today's lesson." "Class dismissed" >The class arose and bowed. Crow: Didn't know japanese schools only had one class per day. Mike: There's culture note number one... The only bows you see in school usually belong to Sailor Senshi as they're beating up a youma. Tom: Wow, the day just seems to fly by when your reading this fic.... >"Guess what!" grinned Kensuke, "Asuka's wearing black lace >underwear! Got a good look too!" Crow: Glad you like it. Now die! Tom: Uh-oh... *blush*... there I go again... *blush blush*.... Mike: Kensuke strikes me as a rather pathetic and passive version of Ataru Moroboshi in this fic... Crow: Sadly that means he's the most IC of all the characters so far. >"AND WHAT ARE THE THREE STOOGES DISCUSSING TODAY?" exclaimed >Asuka from behind them. Mike: The theory of cream pies and the anatomy of eye pokes. Why? Tom: Here's hoping a pie fight breaks out. >"Asuka, Misato will be pissed, at you wearing her clothes! >Especially after yesterday!" said Shinji. Crow: She'll be just as pissed at you wearing her clothes! Tom: Shinji, why are you talking like Shatner? >"Liar! These ARE my clothes! >"You shouldn't call Ikari-san a liar". Rei stood quietly >next to Shinji. Crow: Use some imagination! Call him a low down, dirty dealing, sewage sucking, liar liar pants on fire, SCUMBAG! Mike: Okay fic, Rei has an EXCUSE to act passive... and we'll grant you Shinji too. But why everyone else? Tom: But Asuka wasn't calling Gendo a liar... Rei always calls Shinji Ikari-kun. Even the honorifics are OOC. Crow: I think NURV outsoruced it's latest batch of Rei clones to China... Mike: That would explain the faint reek of Communistic intentions. >"Asuka, I didn't know you owned anything b..b..black!" >Shinji stammered. Tom: Buh-buh... buh-buh-buh-buh... buh-buh... buh-BUH-buh... Mike: Umm, why? Its a fairly common color for clothes... Crow: And the deep dark secret of SHinji is let out, for he is secretly one-fourth Dudley... Tom: I had your pegged as a pink lady! NO WAIT, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT... AHHHHH!!! >"Why you pervert!" Asuka swung and caught Shinji on the side >of the face, the skin numbing and then stinging from the >force of the blow. Crow: Really? And here I thought a slap felt great! Mike: She hitted me! She hitted me hard! Tom: Nice tag! Mind attacking Kensuke now? You know, the one who was LOOKING at your underwear in the FIRST PLACE? Mike: Who cares? We finally had some action! Woo hoo! >Asuka felt the room spin as the force of the slap spun her >head and dropped her to her knees. Tom: I lost on Jeopardy?! Mike: Ooo-kay. We have two alternatives here. Either the author can't even take the time to track his own characters, or Shinji attacked back... Crow: Shinji's been wired for force feedback, baby! >"Apologize to Ikari-san," said Rei quietly. >The remaining students in the class stood dumbfounded. Tom: So much for their highfalutin education. Mike: Wait a minute... Shinji was slapped but Asuka fell down...??? Crow: Wow, it's almost as if Rei used her AT field to push Asuka back.... Mike: Rei's making a comeback from that bad role in "Clonus Two: The Revenge of Darren Stevens #2" >"I would rather die than do that!" Asuka cried, getting up >and moving out of range. Mike: Moving out of range? Is this the result of a NGE RPG session? Crow: I see... pardon me a moment while I find an opener for this can of whoop ass.... Tom: Ayanami Rei, trained in combat martial arts by Raiu himself... Crow: Okay, use the not-a-dragon punch on her to finish her! >"Then I will do it for you." Rei replied. >Rei faced Shinji and then to everyone's amazement knelt on >the floor with head down, arms extended in front of a very >self-conscious young man. Tom: Re-ii! Not HERE! There're PEOPLE present! Crow: And so the lemon part of the fic finally begins... Mike: Sadly this Rei was just off warranty, and was starting act a bit wonky. >"Ikari-sama, please forgive this disrespect, we know you >serve and protect us. Crow: My name is Shinji Friday. I'm a cop. Tom: [singing] Shinji the cop is on the take, but what do you expect with the money he makes? Mike: And even though you've done a crappy job at it, and have run away like a coward twice already, we still know you're trying your best... honest. >You have honored us with your presence today and we have not >remembered your service and have permitted you to come to >harm". Crow: Ix-nay on the ervice-say, ei-Ray! Tom: Is it my imagination or is Shinji a Jehovah's Witness now? Mike: Uh, w-w-watchtower? W-watchtower anyone? >Shinji stood in amazement at this pronouncement and briefly >had an image of his father towering over him the day he first >piloted EVA-01. Tom: I'm HUGE! Crow: WHILE piloting the Eva? It's the attack of the fifty- foot Gendo! Tom: Gendo is friend to all Children! Mike: [singing] Gen-do, Gen-do! Gen-do is really neat... Gen-do is full of meat... we all love you Gen-en-DO! >"What was going on?" Crow: There's many theories, but none of them seem to fit. Tom: My boxers, before SOMEONE interrupted me! Mike: This fic is made in the impressonistic French style, so nothing at all makes sense > Shinji responded, fumbling for the appropriate answer. "I >accept your apology, no harm has occurred, Ayanami-san". >Rei still knelt prostate. Crow: No harm, no foul... but three strikes and I walk! Tom: Don't you mean you're out? Crow: That too! Mike: Shinji fumbled the answer... Asuka recovers the fumble and runs it back! She at the 30... the 20... the 10... TOUCHDOWN!!! >"Please get up". Still there was no response. Mike: ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz... Tom: Psst! Shinji! My knees are locked! Create a diversion while I crawl out of here! Crow: Okay. If you won't get up, how's about we get down! Mike: Ikari Shinji *IS* Disco Gunner! >Rei reached out touching his shoes. " I pledge you my life - >Ikari-sama." Crow: Say, these are nice! Air Jordans? Tom: Nah, Hushpuppies. Mike: Ritsuko 56:12-14 - Lo, in the day which followed, there was much rejoicing. The SAVIOR looked down upon his subjects with a healthy blush on his face as his apostle Asuka forsook him... Crow: And now I shall read from the book of Shinji 3:16. "I just whined on your ass..." >Asuka opened and then closed her mouth. Tom: Bud... Mike: Weis Crow: Coors >"Go home everyone, there's nothing more to see," said >Shinji reaching down to help Rei get up. Rei got up and >followed Shinji out the door. Crow: *pant pant* Can we play with the ball now? Huh, can we?! Can we can we?! Tom: Not 'till after your walk! >"She what? " exclaimed Misato. Crow: Damn that Maya! Mike: Did Misato just pop out of thin air, or did we have a scene change? Tom: At this rate, I bet both. >" I can't get her to go home, said Asuka, "She followed him >home, has helped him study, washed his clothes, scrubbed his >back and threatened me. Mike: She's even marked her terrority! Tom: If life had justice, Fran Drescher would be playing Rei Ayanami in this fanfic right now. >"Hmm, Rei?" >"Yes, Major?" Tom: What, are we stuck in Hee-Haw mode now? Crow: This fiberglass hay is KILLING me. Mike: At least Big Shirtless Jim didn't make a pass at you. >"What brought this on?" >"She struck Ikari-sama." Mike: So? Crow: I wanted my shot at Gendo first! Tom: Anyone nostalgic over Asuka and Hikari's relationship at this rate? Crow: Hey, at this point I'm missing the Lisa Foster/Rei relationship... >Misato was startled at the statement. Rei was calling Shinji >her master. Crow: More of "That Nutty Gendo Mind-Control Ray!" after a word from our sponsor... Tom: All the goo from the Third impact has gone to Rei's brain! >"I see, please elaborate." >"He made a comment about my clothes," said Asuka. Mike: H-he called me the white RuPaul! Crow: My, my...For being an non-existant object the nothingness sure is chatty in this fic. Tom: Yeah, should it be kicking Fantasia's ass about now? >"Something about black." Rei added. >Misato reddened, She lunged forward and flipped Asuka's >skirt up Tom: I smell sex and candy here. Hmm... Crow: Ooh! Fresh! Mike: Rei must be using that wacky New Math here... >and then yelled, "Get out of them right now!" "Damn you, >and I have a date later this evening!" Misato dropped the >hem of the skirt. Crow: Misato is like Lum, only has a single pair of underwear. Tom: And Misato proceded to make alterations to Asuka's outfit, turning it from a drab Sailor Suit into a winning Chanel number. Mike: So there's blushing, underwear... Rei as Love Slave #5... Crow: No, fanfic.... you can be redeeming any time now, we won't stop you. >Asuka gingerly stepped out of the underwear and tried to >hand them to Misato, who ignored her efforts. Crow: You keep 'em, I'm bitter. Mike: Asuka, a closet exhibitionist? Damn, my money was on Rei. Tom: Man, why couldn't thing like this happen in *my* classes! >"I want them back clean!" yelled Misato, "now go put your >own on, unless you want to risk entertaining everyone with >an improper move!" Tom: Like a failure to yield on a left turn! Crow: Like taking off your underwear in public and handing them to someone IS a proper move? Mike: Ugh, don't tell me Asuka is going to start doing the Dirty Bird? >Asuka moved to comply, too slowly for Misato who yelled, >"On the double!" Tom: I DEMAND FULL COMPLIANCE! Crow: Iyaa! Less whip! Mike: My, my...Does anyone get the feeling this author doesn't like Asuka? Crow: And with that Misato had Asuka run through the NURV obstacle course without any panties on... >As Asuka dashed for her room, and her skirt rode up >revealing her backside to a surprised Shinji and chuckling >Misato. Tom: Fly me to the moon... Mike: Baby got back! Uhh! Crow: Public humiliation is funny! Tee-hee! Tom: Wow, couldn't see that one coming...Nope, not at all... >"I'll drive you home, Rei." >"Major, you are intoxicated, it is best for me to remain >here." Mike: Shinji don't cotton to long-distance worshipping. Tom: Yes..The new Rei Mark V comes with a Breathlizer as a standard feature! Crow: So Misato gets drunk BEFORE her dates. That explains a lot, really. Mike: *BURP* >Driving under the influence while carrying an EVA pilot was >an offence likely to get one shot. Tom: Of whiskey? Or vermouth? Crow: ...at the big time! Mike: Wow, the way this fic was making up rules out of thin air you'd almost think NERV was run by the Chinese Amazons. Tom: Well, just declare an angel attack and use the resulting evacuation to drive however the hell you want! Crow: I still think that this is a Macross fic that's just badly translated. >Misato sighed. "Fine. Shinji can sleep on the couch and you >can have his room." Crow: But NO sneaking around my underwear drawer! I don't need an eleventh panty thief! Tom: Why doesn't Misato just let Rei have her futon? Since she's going on a date, won't need it herself. Mike: I guess we'll put the rest of the beer in the other fridge... PenPen, you're with me tonight Tom: So I cleaned up Shinji's room just so Wonder Girl can use it? >"That is not acceptable, I will sleep outside his room, >unless he wishes to bed me." Crow: Gee... let me think... uh... sure! Mike: But I wanted to pillow you! Awwwwww! Tom: Sadly Rei didn't make a good piece of furniture, and collapsed under the weight as Shinji tried to sleep on her. >"He is just a boy, Rei!" >"He is a warrior and a soldier, and has fought to protect >you as well." He is entitled to a woman to comfort him." Crow: Just another day in the life of Shinji Ikari, International Man of Mystery. Tom: Have I mentioned how much I *love* this woman?! Crow: Again misses the fact that that's exactly what Asuka and she herself does... And you'd think sacrficing herself for him would be enough, but no-oooo. Mike: I get my fic ideas from Rush Limbaugh... You take that you feminazi Asuka! >"Shit!" This argument couldn't be won. Mike: Yes, "Shit" is very irrefutable and a brilliant comeback for any situation. Crow: Flipping the bird usually gets the message across pretty well, too. Tom: Wow, the cebreal game of chess played here is so intersting... Mike: Actually, this argument can be won quickly. Misato, it's YOUR DAMN HOUSE. YOU are in control here. >Shinji stood there wondering what to do then realized that >he had an erection. His movements to cover himself only made >it that much more apparent. Tom: Ooh, may I kiss your Spear of Longinus? Mike: Damn, from this angle Rei looks like Kaworu... yum. >Rei and Misato said nothing. Tom: Nothing. Mike: Awkward pause, anyone? Crow: They were occupied doing... other things.. >"Ikari-sama, what are your wishes?" >Shinji glanced at Misato then Rei. " I am going to my room >-alone." Mike: ...cause no one's better in bed than me! Crow: Ah ha, so this is a I Dream of Jeannie crossover as well! Tom: I shall give you three wishes Ikari-sama! >Rei nodded, "Then I will guard your door." Mike: And spitshine your doorknob. Tom: I shall use the self defence skills I learned from Video Games! Crow: Hmm... this smacks of Jubei-chan... with Rei as Koinnosuke... Mike: Scary thing is Shinji would probably like wearing the lovely eyepatch. >Misato picked up her cell phone, dialed, paused, mumbled >about something that had just came up, and that she had to >cancel the date. Crow: It may be the booze talking, but drop dead. Tom: I've got a front row seat to some hot underaged action. Can't miss that! Mike: Sorry, I can't make it tonight. Shinji came up. Tom: Oh, why? Umm... Shinji's got worms. Real bad. I need to take him to the vet immediately. >Misato woke to the sound of a large THUMP and then Asuka >crying. "What the hell?" Crow: The space-time continuum flash-froze and made a hole in my floor! Waah!! Tom: I dreamed I slept with Junkyard Dog! It was HORRIBLE! Mike: 'Kay, place your bets... what time is it? Midnight, three AM, mid-afternoon... place your bets! >Stumbling out of bed and fumbling for a light switch, she >went into the hall to find Asuka bawling on the floor. Tom: Poor kid. Fanfic finally got to her. Crow: That's better. But you need to cry more if you want the floor to truly shine! Mike: Wow, this is such a nice and happy fic now that Asuka has broken down for no reason... nice and happy! >Rei was standing quietly over her. "You may not enter >unless you are invited, Second Child." Crow: But I have the Golden Ticket! Mike: Oh, I get it. *crinkle* Here's a fifty. Tom: Ah, by all means, enter Second Child! >"It's 3am, Asuka! What are doing up at this hour?" >"I wanted to know if the great Shinji-sama was porking >Wonder Girl here." Mike: Shinji, do you have any bacon? Crow: No. Mike: Are you hitting Rei with the bacon you don't have? Crow: No. Mike: Happy now? Now go to BED, Asuka. >" His orders were to sleep alone, however, if you had wished >to bed him, you should have said so earlier," said Rei >calmly. Crow: What the hell? Is Rei Shinji's love receptionist? Tom: We have a tight schedule to keep for Shinji's bedding times. Mike: You should have made a reservation... however, if you wait here, I'll try to squeeze you in for... let's see... four-thirty alright for you? Crow: Rei knows what 'porking' means? Can this fic get more OOC? >"I would never!" >"Give it up Asuka, he may have a harem before the week is >out," yawned Misato. Mike: If the contrivances keep piling up, YOU'RE next! So there! Crow: Whoa... whoa... I call foul! Misato is taking this way too calmly! Tom: Shinji? Harem? BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Crow: Like, get with it, Asuka! Everybody's doing him these days! Stop living in the dark ages, gah! >"Are you injured?" >"I guess not, she used a hip throw and I landed on my butt." Crow: And we all know how much a cushion Asuka's butt is... Mike: Fortunately, I used to be a professional wrestler so I know how to fall. >"If you disturb the house before 6am, I will expect Rei to >beat you up quietly." Crow: Hmm, I have the sneaking suspicion I'm being persecuted against... Tom: Did I mention I hate Asuka and love Shinji yet? Mike: But be sure to wear easily torn clothing and sexy underwear so Lord Shinji can enjoy the show from his room. Tom: Well at least we know Vince Russo is still making a living out there by writing crappy Eva fics >"Yes, Major," nodded Rei. >"Go to sleep and leave me alone!" was heard from Shinji's >room. Tom: My wake-up call is 7:30 AM! SEVEN-THIRTY AM!! Crow: So just leave us in peace! >Asuka vanished into her room until morning and didn't come >out until Shinji was out of the bathroom. Mike: So, late afternoon? Crow: Early morning? The evening? The year 2042? Tom: Ahhh! I love the aroma of a freshly used bathroom! Crow: Clean the floor, Asukarella. Wipe the tub, Asukarella. I'm not your slave! >Rei, later that week at NERV, addressed the Commander. Mike: Yoo-hoo, Gen-chan! Howarya, baby? >"Commander Ikari, I am requesting money to purchase some >personal items." Tom: We've discussed this, Rei, no more Faberge eggs! Crow: Three pounds of chocolate, a pair of nail- clippers, and an IUD. Mike: Large box of condoms, bottle of Old Harper, and one disposible enema. Nah, make it two. >"Such as?" >"Kimonos, several obis, fans, slippers, and a tea service." Tom: Fifty yards of high-tensile silk, a Totoro costume, and a bushel of freshly squeezed lemons... and a pie. Crow: And don't forget a pair of black silk panties! Black silk panties! >How much money are we talking about? >"About 10 million yen." Mike: Sure! I can embezzle that much in... oh, about fifteen days. Tom: Another weekend in Vegas? Crow: Wow, inflation sure is a killer in Tokyo-3... Tom: Kiddie rides in EVA-01 rake in that much. >"That is a large sum of money. " >"What relevance is this to piloting an EVA?" Mike: I have the same question, except replace "piloting an EVA" with "this fanfic". Crow: Gotta love Gendo...At least he has some sense in this fic. Tom: Well, I was thinking of getting speakers in the back, flames painted down the sides, an espresso machine in the cockpit.... Crow: They are for the EVA. It is to scare the Angels. >"I believe these items will enhance the ability of all of >your pilots to function as a team." Mike: Then explain the handcuffs. Crow: But teamwork isn't part of the Human Instrumentality project! Tom: They're called bennies and boy do they buzz! >"That will be all, Rei." >"Yes, Sir." >"Major Katsuragi!" >"Yes, Sir?" Tom: Shut up Rei, that's me. Mike: Present three bags! Full! >"I am setting up an account for the Pilots, you will assist >the First Child in handling the funds. If morale and >performance improve, the practice will continue, if not, it >won't. Tom: However, should morale decline, the beatings will continue until performance is Shakespearian! Crow: ... umm, so Shinji is opening a law firm now? Tom: Behold my ultimate Fusion... Gendo Brown! Mike: Hey everyone! Gendo's giving out money! Get it while he's OOC! >I understand that Rei has left her assigned quarters and >has relocated at your residence. The sync ratios of the >Children have recently shown improvement, I will allow >this." Tom: I also note that it is raining. I suppose I shall let Mother Nature slide this once... Crow: Umm, in NGE sync ratios aren't affected by _that_. Has this become a Vandread crossover too? Mike: And since when did Gendo feel the need to explain his decisions? Gawd damn it, what happened to the stone cold SOB I used to know!? >" I don't think you really understand, " thought Misato. >"Although I don't understand why Asuka would actually >improve," she mused. Crow: What with all the sarcasm and constant putdowns I've inflicted on her over the years.... Tom: At least somebody is thinking in this fic, even though it's completely backwards. Mike: Might as well take a break, guys, before attacking more of this...