--Satellite of Love Wooden swords littered every available surface of the bridge of the Satellite of Love. They were piled three and four deep on the floor, and also all over the desk. Suddenly, the lights went off on the satellite, and Cambot started a soundtrack of wolves howling, crickets chirping, and wind wailing. A flash of light came from above, accompanied by the sound of thunder. Suddenly, the spotlight fixed upon Crow T. Robot, dressed in hakama pants and carrying one of the wooden swords. "Three days hence, mark my words... I shall be the one to stand tall!" His voice played through the satellite, yet his mouth didn't move once. Another beam of light went to the opposite side of the bridge, where Tom Servo hovered menacingly, also carrying a wooden sword in one of his spring hands. "I know my opponent talks a good talk, but it remains to be seen if he can walk a good walk!" The two lights extinguished... then, Mike's voice echoed through the Satellite. "On Sunday, these two competitors will fight for the right to be... Asuka's Retainer. They will fight for the right to meet Ayanami Rei in single combat, and they fight for the right to bring order and peace to this fanfiction story!" Crow's spotlight flared again to life. "Why would it matter if I walk anyway? I know you can't... unfeetered by legs!" Tom's spotlight followed suit. "Oh, oh yeah? Well, I've been told that you drink straight from the oil can, and you don't EVER use a glass!" "Yeah? Well, your underwear collection is OUT OF ORDER!" "Of all the unmitigated... YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE!" "AND YOU NEVER USE DEODORANT!" "I DON'T SWEAT! AND IF YOU HAD A BETTER PROCESSOR CHIP THAN A RUFFLES, THEN YOU'D KNOW THAT!" Both spotlights abruptly turned off, leaving blackness again. "See it all... Sunday. RETAINER WARS... ARS... ars... s..." Mike's voice again echoed through the satellite, as red, yellow, and blue lights flashed again through the satellite. "But first... FANFIC SIGN!" Mike called. A crash later, along with the sound of kicked wooden swords and a barely muffled swear word accompanied Cambot as he moved forward towards the doors... [6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] >NERV's agents reported the mock sword fight to Gendon. " >Must have been a bully, anyone hurt?" Crow: And here we have a visit by the Amazing Gendon! Mike: Gendon is mighty! Gendon crush puny humans! All bow down to Gendon! Tom: Not really, all the bully did was push Asuka down and then say "Ha-ha!" >" Just the bully." >" He won't be back," thought Gendon. "Consider the incident closed." Crow: For I am the Omniscient Gendon! Mike: Gendo must have backed out of this fic at the last minute and they hired a scab to replace him. Tom: Gendon master of telepathy. Gendon know what you thinking you sicko. Crow: Okay, back to figuring out a defense to unlawful possession of deadly weapons. She's a clone, and not really *alive*... so therefore, how can she be arrested? No, that's not it... >Misato looked puzzled, "It appears that a matching umbrella >to Rei's formal kimono was separated from the accessories in >our original order. Mike: And now we interrupt this fic for some exciting footage from shipping and receiving! Tom: Oh no, we were shorted on the Yebisu this week... how will we survive?! Crow: It says here that it was picked up by one Oswald Cobblepot... and in an unrelated note, Pen-pen's been gone for three weeks. Wonder where he is? Mike: Oh great, a puzzle. And I never finished Myst or Riven! >The clothing shop just called asking you to simply pick it >up. No additional payment is required." >Shinji shrugged. "I'll get it after school." Tom: Insert your favorite Jerry Seinfeld joke here. >Rei preceded him at close distance; Crow: Old and grey you say, Shinji? How profound! Tom: That time in the PLAA wasn't wasted! >sometimes she followed, other times she walked beside him. Mike: And then there were the times she paused by a fire hydrant to answer nature's call. Crow: And sometimes, she was riding shotgun in the getaway Hoop-dee. Tom: And sometimes when they touch, the honesty is too much and.... >Rei had wanted to bring her sword to school on numerous >occasions, but Shinji had strictly forbade it, pointing out >the NERV security personnel that were frequently seen >shadowing the EVA pilots could also be considered adequate >protection. Crow: The same security guards who were there to prevent Asuka's humiliation, eh? Mike: That must have been during their coffee break. Tom: What the hell could have possibly made you this paranoid, Rei? Mike: Starbucks. Crow: Double Latte Cream strikes again, eh? >And the risk of having the sword confiscated by the police >or school personnel at grave risk to themselves as well as >Rei, who he knew would not surrender the sword without a >fight. Tom: With all those words, not one valid clause existed with which to start a predicate. Mike: Only those brave enough to defeat me in thumb to thumb combat may have this sword! Crow: You're getting my sword just as soon as you pry it from my cold dead fingers. >He picked up the umbrella without incident and gave it to >Rei. As it was durable as well as pretty, she began carrying >it with her. Mike: What is this? Donkey Kong? Is she going to find her purse next? Tom: I just can't go anywhere without having at least 3 weapons of destruction on me.... Crow: All right! Now I can skip FIVE levels of Bubble Bobble! >Asuka had changed her behavior for the most part and >frequently addressed Shinji as Sen-pai, Ikari-san, or >Shinji-san. Tom: On the other hand, she referred to her pillow as "Winston Churchill", so you can see what an effect being in this fic caused to her psyche. Crow: You shall sleep on the beaches, but we will never awaken! >She still referred to Rei as Wonder Girl. The behavior >could be considered formal, cold but not impolite. Mike: Of course, Rei would much rather be known as Diana and not let her secret idenity be publicized. Crow: No, really! I have my own jet! It's just invisible! Tom: And by this time, you could barely see the scars from the lobotomy... Crow: I like mittens! >Her fights with Misato were frequent but short-lived. Chores >were still divided, but Shinji rarely got to complete all of >his chores, as Rei would always help him, much to Asuka's >dismay. Crow: I'm feelin' like a Monday but someday I'll be Saturday night! Mike: Yes... God help us if Shinji actually does some housework! Crow: Of course, it isn't hard to eat the last of the chocolate cake or watch an extra half-hour of television. Tom: Man, the author must really hate Shinji if he thinks he's this useless. I mean with no more angels attacking there isn't anything for him to do but listen to his DAT and masturba... I mean, getting used to being called master. >Asuka began sharing the communal bath with Rei, Shinji and >Misato on occasions. Mike: YES! FINALLY!! A glimmer of lemo... I mean, hope for this fic! Tom: To find out the feasibility of pouring some industrial toxic waste in with those three, he says hopefully... Crow: ... and what communal bath is this? Did they all move into Gendon's happening pad or something? >Miyako brought a stern faced man with her, whom she >introduced as Rakan. Tom: He's here to condition you to physical abuse, Asuka. Mike: Sure, why not? I don't have a shred of dignity left anyway... Crow: This is Rakan. As you can see from his face, he needs more fiber in his diet. Let this be a lesson to you. Mike: Pass the prunes. >"You have received the second of the four gifts." He >informed Shinji. >"Where? Tom: Happy Birthday...Mister Shinji! Crow: I'm the life of the party. Now, let's get funky. Mike: It's a dentist to help you with that troublesome retainer! >"The umbrella." >The umbrella had been searched, X-rayed, sniffed, >magnetically scanned and everything short of sawn in two. It >had been shown at NERV HQ. It had been carried to school. Tom: It had been honored in a parade in Springfield. Crow: It was featured on the cover of Time! Tom: It was found to have a pleasant beefy favor. Crow: It could also add, subtract, and even multiply fractions! Mike: More amazing is the fact that NURV seems to be getting dumber by the minute? I mean what are Ritsuko and Maya doing right now? Crow: Got any threes? Mike: Go fish! Hoo-ha, you have to take your shirt off now! Crow: Shazbut! >"I have been informed that your short sword is still in >your possession, that in spite of your temptation to carry >it in the traditional manner and disobey your master, you >have respected his wishes and also retained your sword." >"Get your umbrella!" Crow: Given two plot points, this fic is able to slalom all around and through them without actually connecting them. Mike: Man, Tom Green WISHES he had dialogue this bad in his films.... Crow: And bring me some pie, woman! Tom: Suddenly, I have an urge to watch Mulan. >Rei brought out the accessory. Tom: Hah! Now I'm completed protected from Poison attacks! Though it lowers my resistance to Frog spells.... Mike: Not your piece, your equipment! Crow: Oh, the Smith and Wesson? >"I am pleased that I too have passed the test, for if the >second gift had been discovered, it would have dishonored >me." Crow: This fic is on about honor more than a Ranma fanfic. Considering Neon Genesis Evangelion... WHY?! >"Please present the sword to your retainer, Lord Ikari." > Shinji held the umbrella out with a single hand to a >kneeling Rei who re-accepted it. Mike: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE FRIGGING UMBRELLA?!? Tom: It's made with space age water resistiant Micro fibre! Crow: It can do a decent rendition of Rhapsody in Blue! Tom: It can sing and dance, although it really wants to direct. Mike: it's the Umbrella of +10 undead Slaying! Crow: Groovy! >"Now, for your protection, please leave us. This is >strictly a matter between servants." Tom: And our umbrella. Mustn't forget the almighty umbrella. Crow: Servants, now sanatized for your protection. Mike: Now just remember, the umbrella likes to be on top.... > Shinji and Miyako retired to the center room and played a >string selection in the center room, surprisingly, Asuka >applauded at the end. Crow: Now play Classical Gas! Tom: ...even though Asuka complimented him the first time he ever played the cello in NGE. >Rei and the man emerged several hours later. "I am >satisfied," he remarked to Miyako and Shinji, her devotion >to her master is tempered with good judgement, as fine >steel can both cut and flex. " Mike: Judgment? JUDGMENT? Where in this fic was actual "good" judgment USED?! Crow: So yelling at people, being completely obsessed with Shinji for no reason, and trying to kill everyone that looks at him cross-eyed is sensible behavior? Tom: Yeah, where's Brainitite when we need him? Crow: Out pooped Sailor Miyako Mike: Who immediately famoused on poor Asuka. >Rei was beaming, but Shinji did not know the price of >seeing the naked blade until after he went to bed. Mike: For not even Shinji sees the Naked Blade and lives. Crow: Hey you! Wake up! You owe me $39.95! Tom: It put his own mighty toothpick to shame. >He heard Asuka exclaim, "that's a nasty cut, Rei. "How did >you ever cut your hand like that?" >There was no answer. All: Tom: About time the fic got ONE portion of Rei's character correct... Mike: It's okay. I have a spare at the Clonus ranch. Crow: ...as Rei had already fainted upon glancing at the gaping wound. >School had settled, down, Rei, Asuka and Shinji sat in >class; Asuka and girls chatted about boys. Crow: Asuka's a MAN?!? Tom: The miracles of plastic surgery.... Crow: It was a sunny day in Nerima... oops, Tokyo-3... >Talk about Rei and Shinji was pretty non-existent except for >the occasional speculation of them already being married. A >new young man approached the fiery redhead about going to >the movies. Crow: Oh, Lina! Lina Inverse! Can I take you to a movie? Mike: Asuka, I would date thee! Tom: Oh, my pigtailed goddess, I would desire... oh, forgive me, you are not my pigtailed goddess... but would you LIKE to be? Hmmm?! >Touji and the others prompted him. They figured that the >verbal lashing resulting from such an exchange would be >great fun. Crow: Yes, watching someone's self esteem get crushed is great family fun! Tom: This is better than juggling babies! Mike: After this, let us set a carriage on fire and shove it down a hill while its hysterical mother runs after it. It'll be a BLAST! >" Why how very nice of you to ask!" gushed Asuka. >"That would be very nice," of course. It looks that someone >has finally arrived who knows how to make a girl feel >pretty!" Tom: Well, at least Touji is in character. Crow: Now all I need is someone to make me feel witty and wise! Mike: I see the memory reprogramming is working well... >The stupefied classmates stood around with slack jaws while >Asuka smiled at them, flashed her fingers in a two fingered >salute and looked positively CUTE. Mike: Wait a minute, how is acting like Minako an improvement for me? Someone throw me a bone here! Crow: From kowaii to kawaii in five easy paragraphs. Tom: Hey author, she was cute before. Kensuke turned selling pictures of her into a major industry. >"What are the results from the last sync test, Doctor?" Crow: V-V-V-VERY P-P-P-P-PROMSING S-S-S-SIR! Tom: Shinji is a two hundred billion percent of course! With Rei slightly lower than that. And Asuka is at the same value, only with a very big negative sign in front. >"Rei is up another 10 points. Shinji is up 5 points. But >Asuka is up over 30 points!" Crow: In that case, sell one thousand shares of Rei and buy me some Shinji. Tom: Yatta ne! I love playing as Lilith. Crow: You mean 'percent' don't you? Mike: No, this fic uses the imperical system so it's rods to the hogshead. >"Very impressive, do you have anything to add, Major?" >"Rei and Shinji are very close, but do not appear to be >getting romantically involved. Mike: So far, it's just sex and shopping. Tom: However, we'll put them on a strict diet of oysters and chocolate, that should get things going. >Asuka has actually become a pleasure to live with and is >rapidly becoming the most desirable girl in school." Crow: Soon, the entire student body, including the teachers, principal and janitorial staff were salivating at the chance to bed the beautiful Asuka.... Tom: Other than the fact that the series made it quite clear she was _already_ the most desirable girl in school. Hello? Remember the huge pile of love letters she got? >"Only results interest me. Very well, your cultural funding >will continue at its new rate." Mike: Make sure to get her some Zulu outerwear and a string of Arapahoe beads. Tom: Say, does anyone hear some snickering? Crow: Must be Lorenz and SEELE snickering at us for discussing such lame topics! >"Asuka, how are you doing?" >"Oh Miyako, I got asked out on a date!" He was new and shy, >but polite, so I accepted. Mike: Very good. Now remember, get the money up front and no freebies! Crow: I said yes! Please, for gosh sakes, stop having Rei use me for kendo practice!!!! Tom: But don't worry, after a night with me, he'll become the very definition of uncouth! >I made him feel wanted and important." " Then >I got asked out by almost every boy in the class!" Crow: For only the 354th time! Tom: It'll be tough dating them all in one night, but I'll give it the old college try! Mike: What happened to the massively exciting Rei/Shinji sidestory where Shinji was setting up his own duchy, by the way? >"Why didn't Misato teach me these things?" They seem so >easy! >"Asuka, smiled Miyako. How old do you think I am? Mike: 337, give or take a year? Crow: Cologne?! What're YOU doing here?! Tom: I don't know. Let me cut you in half and count the rings! >"Early thirty's, late twenties?" >"I am sixty-three years young, Asuka. I have the wisdom of >centuries in caring for men, both young and old. Crow: She was taken on many magic carpet rides by Sailor Pluto... Mike: So, she's started the world's oldest profession? Tom: Sixty-three and she has the wisdom of centuries? Wow, talk about compression... >It doesn't matter if they come from humble or noble lines; >they can all be frightened boys." Tom: They were merely freshmen! Crow: You just need a chainsaw and sharp features. >"Asuka stared at the flawless skin and trim figure of the >Geisha. >"It is my wish that you continue to develop the inner beauty >that has started to shine though to your outside. Mike: Otherwise known as, "Get to work... you still haven't waxed the floor yet." Crow: She's either a clone or her plastic surgery bill resembles NASA's budget. Tom: So keep drinking more raw eggs! It's the only way to get the proper shine for your skin! Crow: Woof! >This is for you and your future husband, it is not for the >selfish, the vain or the proud." Mike: It's for the geeky. So wear it with pride, solider! It's genuine imitation alligator! >--- Tom: What? No snowflakes? Crow: Dashing all the way, in a one angel open sleigh... Mike: Ah, this scene must be important, the fic's actually warning us it's coming. Crow: Most ominous. >Rei stood outside Shinji's door silently holding her formal >short sword, her hand on the hilt. Shinji was sobbing inside >his room in shock and horror from what he had experienced >only a few hours ago. Tom: Someone forced him to read this fic. Poor guy. Crow: Wow. We had some action and this fic skips over it so we can cut to Rei fondling her sword. PRIORTIES, PEOPLE! Mike: That was when Shinji learned that unsheathed short swords do not make good back scratchers Crow: W-why did Old Y-Yeller have to... to... DIE! WAHHHHHH!!! >A man had been killed. It was a robbery attempt outside a >restaurant in Tokyo 3. Mike: Rei stabbed the sheriff, but didn't stab the deputy. Tom: Rei didn't do it! Don't blame Rei! Crow: Geez, that's so much more tramatic than being swallowed by Unit-01 or torn apart by an Angel.... >Asuka's new boyfriend Eric was escorting her. All were >dressed in simple kimonos except Eric who decided that he >was not quite ready to wear a "bathrobe". Crow: I was born a nudist, raised a nudist and damn it, I'll die a nudist! Tom: Shinji, however, modeled off the cherry and plum blossom design... Mike: He decided that he'd rather wear nothing at all Crow: Being a fruitbat, the kimono didn't fit Eric very well anyway. Tom: Thought he was a halibut. Crow: I can't wear a bathrobe! I'm half a bee! >Asuka's flowered yellow kimono and red hair were a stunning >combination, Rei's navy blue kimono was striking and >Shinji's looked quite handsome in his basic black. Tom: Shinji was brought up to be a proper Japanese lady. Mike: ...while Eric looked like he'd been hit in the face one too many times Crow: Miyako, however, looked quite bizarre wearing purple and yellow with a green sash, pink flowers and half her head shaved and painted orange. >Misato's crimson kimono was as effective. Eric had on a nice >blue suit and an orange and red tie that splashed color >against his white shirt. Tom: Eric had no fashion sense, as you can see, but everyone else was polite enough to let it pass. Crow: So many colors... I can taste the rainbow! Mike: And here is Eric, dressed in clown casual. Perfect for bumming around after the circus or when your House of Representatives is released for the weekend! Crow: Eric was a staunch supporter of the Silly Party. >No one remembers exactly what happened. A man ran up >knocking Shinji down and grabbing Misato's purse. Crow: Only to splatter all over the sidewalk in a billion gooey pieces once Rei was finished with him. Tom: They had suddenly teleported to New York... which was especially surprising since it was underwater. >As he began running, his head simply seemed to fall off his >body. The fountain of blood that sprayed from his falling >torso covered them, staining their faces with red streaks. Mike: Damn that leprosy. Crow: 'Tis a flesh wound. Tom: It's NGE directed by Sam Raimi! Crow: Which goes to prove that no one tries to steal Misato's drinking money and gets away with it. >Misato had her pistol in her hand from her thigh holster, >grabbed Shinji with her hand and threw him in the corner of >the entrance. Mike: OWWWW! MY FINGER'S CAUGHT! MY FINGER'S CAUGHT! Tom: Where the bouncer made short work of him, giving the transvestite a dozen bruises and a broken wrist. >Standing in front of him, she motioned for the other >children to get behind her. Blood was everywhere. NERV >agents were converging. Tom: FOX was filming for another episode of World's Wildest Police Videos. Mike, Crow: BLOOD! BLOOD! WAI BLOOD! Crow: Just call me Psycho Gunner. Mike: Because, of course, the Tokyo police are NEVER involved in situations like this. Tom: Yeah, they're too busy being slaughtered by boomers. >"GET BACK!" screamed Misato." I don't know you! Mike: She's the Godmother of Soul! Tom: [singing] Get back to where you once belonged...Get Back Misato! Crow: Now get down! Get up! I'm a sex machine! >One of the agents Misato knew. She motioned him to take up >a defensive position next to her. Crow: Remember, we're on a turn based system here! I'll attack, you heal, I'll attack, and you cast a spell, got it? Mike: I'm not worried about other criminals, I'm worried about Rei! Don't let her go for her sword! Tom: Okay, here's the play. You block me while I send Rei up to tear through the defense. And godboy will recieve. Break! >The local constables were clearing the streets. A tape >barrier denoting a crime scene was put up around the >frightened and confused party. Mike: Shinji, frightened and confused party of six! Tom: Constables? What timeline is this fic taking place again? Mike: Sadly they called in the Keystone department.... Crow: Blimey, what a mess! Nearly puts me off me fish and chips, it does. >Everyone sat in silence in the infirmary, They were advised >not to discuss the incident among themselves. Mike: Ain't you guys a little out of your juristiction? Crow: So they immediately blabbed to strangers. Tom: They're being sequestered! >Asuka held Eric's hand, who was still shaking. >Shinji sat with his head in his hands crying. >Rei sat staring straight ahead. Mike: While Misato was getting it on with half the stationhouse Crow: Ya know, I rather like the taste of blood...I should do this head slicing thing more often! Tom: There can be only one! Crow: Highlander, Rei-game... Watch as Rei Ayanami fights all the other Rei clones in a life and death struggle! >NERV had exercised is authority over the civilian government >and had its own investigation launched. The news accounts >were quietly quelled. Mike: While Genom took notes. Crow: So you must find out if this resturant really has a good Seafood platter Mike: Yes sir! Tom: MAGI runs the civilian goverment, not that I expect the author to know this. >Each person was taken to a separate room and was debriefed >with the interview recorded. Mike: Hewwo! Baba Wawa reporting, and I have exclusive interviews with Childs One through Three! Tom: But I don't wear briefs. I'm a Joe Boxer type of guy! Crow: All this for an attempted purse snatching? Is Gendon head of the Nazi party? Mike: No no no... they updated for the 90's. They're now the Economic Determinism party. >Their clothes were taken from them and they were allowed to >shower and wore paper garments home. [All laugh] Tom: I've got the Yomiuri Times... who has the Asahi Shimbun? Crow: But the sports section was so last year! Mike: Turn around, Rei, I want to read the rest of Ziggy! Tom: The mighty Eric, reduced to wearing a PAPER kimono. I bet he never turns down a real one for the rest of his life. >Misato's purse was examined and returned, along with Asuka's >makeup case, Shinji's tape player, and Rei's umbrella. Crow: Meanwhile, poor Eric had every last cavity searched before being fed to the police dogs. Joel: Yes, it's nice to knoiw that the Umbrella is safe and came to no harm at all... Tom: Hey, check it out... the tip's all bloody! Crow: So? It's not like a master craftsman built a short sword into the handle or anything! >A letter explaining the loss of the suit was given to the >boy Eric with a cashier's check for 500,000 yen. Tom: Suckers! They overpaid by at least 499,995 yen! Crow: Oh boy! Now I can get the glow-in-the-dark business suit I always wanted! Tom: Forget a new suit, I'm gonna go buy myself some smack! Mike: All right! I'll invest in Nortel and... ah, crap, it's gone. >The Major and Asuka took him home to frightened and >concerned parents. Mike: How the HELL did you end up in Japan, young man?! Crow: Well, *parent*... Chef was there acting as his dad. Tom: Mom, make me some pie! Crow: Beefcake....BEEFCAKE!!!!! >"But she IS a nice girl!" was heard coming from the house >as they went home. Mike: Check out these hickeys! Wasn't that nice of her? Tom: Don't let her numerous tattoos fool you! Crow: Then why is she wearing a paper bikini? >The internal NERV memo from NERV security to the >Commander: Crow: Hey Gendon, can we get some of those snazzy kimonos? Tom: Seems they don't know what happened to the Angels either. >"The wound of the victim is consistent with that of a very >sharp cutting instrument. It contacted the victim's shirt >after killing him, leaving a pattern of a string of >circles. Tom: I've heard of crop circles but that's taking a hoax awful far.... Mike: Find out whoever sent this Memo and have them take Remedial Geometry. Tom: Not a good sign when the action in your fic is upstaged by a memo. Crow: Oh well, it's nice to know Quincy still has some work after his TV series... >Death was instantaneous. It is suspected that the killer >who inflicted this wound knew exactly how to do it, the lack >of witnesses even among our own operatives points to the >killer as an extremely dangerous individual." Crow: As opposed to a snuggly cute and loveable killer? Tom: It was like... [singing] greazed lightnin'... Mike: They needed a memo to tell people that? Crow: Well it was Mime day at the NURV Geofront. >There is no known match to the circular pattern. Nothing >to indicate whom would possess such in instrument. The >examination of the total wound revealed absolutely no >metal particles. Mike: A small lamprey eel was seen lurking in the area. Crow: We believe that the culprit was Linna Yamazaki using her monomolecular ribbons. Tom: Hmm... call me crazy, but I can't help thinking the umbrella had a part in all of this.... Crow: Nah, Umbrella Corp sticks mainly to making zombies and annoying Redfields. >Examination under an electron microscope of a section of >neck bone from the wound indicates a slicing action occurred >similar to a sword stroke, Mike: But we agree with Misato. Final diagnosis... leprosy. Crow: Seriously, when did this turn into an episode of Quincy? Tom: This autopsy is too silly even for Quincy.... Crow: I mean, hello..His head was sliced off...Of course it'd look his head was cut off with a sword! Mike: Quincy wouldn't put up with this kind of crap! >however we cannot be sure. A vibrating blade similar to the >progressive knife could have produced the wound and possibly >the pattern. Tom: Or a modified beard trimmer, I mean anything's possible. Crow: We've ruled this a sudden case of rigor mortis. Mike: This isn't an autopsy, it's mindless guessing! Crow: This author paid more attention to CBS's Crime Scene Investigators than NGE. >We are uncertain if the cutting instrument was actually >solid. The fact that the victim was armed and engaged in a >criminal act is also puzzling. Mike: Since criminals are much more successful when they're unarmed. Tom: Yeah, whatever happened to the day when a criminal could simply rob someone by asking nicely? Mike: We also find the fact that the victim was de- headed very puzzling. >This individual was not a small time purse-snatcher, but the >member of an organization with known ties to SEELE. Crow: What, the Irish Republican Army? Michigan Militia? The Order of Stonemasons? Amnesty International? UNICEF? Mike: As well as OTTER, WHALE and SEA CUCUMBER. Tom: We knew that from the SEELE membership card in his wallet, and the 'Property of SEELE' tattoo on his left buttock. >It is suspected that he snatched the purse as a means to >distract the Major from the children. We are unsure as what >was intended should this plan have succeeded. Tom: Now, if the criminal knew the TRUE way to distract Misato, namely take the beer from her hand, we would've been in deep crap. Mike: What, is SEELE being run by Boris and Natasha now? Crow: And we would haff gotten it away with it if it wasn't for Moose and Sqvirrel! >Resulting circumstances would indicate that the children >have made powerful allies outside of NERV. Mike: They have recruited Big Bird and Barney the Purple Dinosaur. Now, no one DARES cross them. Crow: Don't forget Gamera! Remember, he's the friend to all children! Tom: Of course, you know you're in trouble when your allies are Czar Nicholas II and Kaiser Wilhelm II... Crow: It's all part of SEELE's plan for world domination. Once thay have all of Misato's beer money, they can rule! >Footnote: Rakan, master swordsman to the Imperial Court and >friend of Miyako Tom: ... has a really stupid name so we can't take his opinion seriously. And of course to be a member of the Imperial Court, he would have to be older the geisha hag so we think he's just a loony. >recently visited Major Katsuragi s apartment. The cultural >emphasis of the children's education would not make this >unusual. Crow: But the latex outfit with fuzzy crop whip did. Mike: As a matter of fact, we don't know why we're even mentioning this. Of course, we're now getting rather sleepy, and finding it hard to remember Rak... Ra... uhh, that guy who's name starts with R. Tom: Is it just me, or is this memo a thinly veiled attempt at recapping the fic? Crow: How can you recap when nothing actually happened? >At the time of the incident he was teaching a young man a >sword dance. Therefore questioning him would require >permission from the Royal House and much more than mere >suspicions. Crow: Since the new characters are completely untouchable. Tom: Sword-dance.... is that what they call it now? Mike: Gendon's legendary sword dance was a cut above the rest. Crow: Since the Royal House no longer exists, its sort of hard to ask permission. Tom: They might as well just convert Balthasar into a lie detector... seems like everyone in this fic is completely guilty of SOMETHING. >Questioning Miyako would be a public relations nightmare and >it is unthinkable to ask her to break her code of silence >where her clients are concerned." Mike: Of course, since the Fifth Amendment doesn't even exist here, we have no clue why we're not even bothering. Crow: I mean we're only NERV, responsible for the safety of the planet and all. It's not like we have any real powers or anything... Tom: Yes, destroying buildings and leaving Angel corpses around no problem, but questioning a geisha... Mike: Basically, this memo says absolutely nothing new at all? Crow: Well, it does incriminate poor Linna. >" Rei." Asuka approached. "May I see Shinji-sama?" Tom: I have to talk to him about the sudden scene changes... and no I'm not concealing a baseball bat. Crow: He's picking out a dynamite obi to go with his pastel pink kimono. >Rei relaxed and softened slightly at the first use of the >higher title. >"He left no orders about being left alone." Mike: Well, except for that "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" sign. Wonder what that's all about? Tom: But I sure hope he leaves orders for me to use the commode soon... I'm ready to explode here! >Rei opened the door and Asuka approached him and gently >took his hand. Rei looked quite stern but said nothing. Crow: Hey, wench! Hands off the merchandise! Mike: Ooh, what a look I'll give you! Tom: Cool! A severed hand! Just what I needed for my collection! Crow: Hey, it's a monkey's paw! For my first wish, I want my characterization back! >"If you wish me to stop, simply say so." Crow: So. Tom: [singing] A needle pulling thread.. Mike: Stop! In the name of love, before you break my heart. Crow: Did I come at a bad time? >The boy sobbed, "Why does there have to be killing?" >Asuka caressed his face and touched the tears streaming >down his face. Tom: And with his head in her hands, she lovingly slammed him into a wall. Mike: W-Why can't we all just get along? >Asuka held the crying boy for about an hour and stroked his >face and sang to him. Crow: I gave my love a chicken... its name was Shinji. Tom: I can't get no... satisfaction! Mike: It's christmas at ground zero, the button has been pressed.... Crow: This whipping boy done wrong... deprived of all his thoughts, this young boy struggles on, and on... Mike: I ain't forgiving you for that ref. Crow: Heh... Tom: Thank you, we conclude Mystery Music Theater 3000. We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic. >Suddenly he was asleep. Crow: Good, the Nyquil mickey worked like a charm! Mike: Provoking an infuriated Asuka to draw things all over his face. Tom: Jiggly-puff...JIGGGLY-PUFF....JIGGLY-LY_LY PUFFF! Mike: Doodly-doo, dooodly doo! >"Domo Langley-san, "said Rei. >"You have healed his pain and I am indebted to you." Crow: Need a ritual killing? Anyone you want. Tom: How about a second extra large pizza for a Toonie? Mike: Yeah, I wanna CRACK THE CARDBOARD!!! >" It is you who apologized for the pain I caused him at >school, " Asuka responded bowing. She added, "my debt to >you is far greater." Mike: My debt is greater! Tom: MY DEBT IS GREATER! Mike: SLUT! Tom: HO! Mike: Don't make me get my umbrella! >Rei smiled that half-sad little smile that was so rare. >"Are you my friend, then?" Tom: No, you're pretty much friendless. Crow: Then, can you be my special friend? Mike: Lately, her feral blood-thristy smile was more the norm. >"Yes, Rei," Mike: There is a Santa Claus. >--- Crow: Ok, which wiseguy sawed the point off my arrow? Mike: The shortest distance between two plot points is a straight line. Now, to find the plot points... >About a week later Shinji was at NERV for an activation >test with Misato. Crow: Turn your head and cough. Tom: Wow, actually doing NGE-related stuff for once? I'm astonished... and still bored. Mike: Umm, what's this orange stuff? Crow: It's LCL, of course! Mike: Oh. Never saw it before in my life. >Rei asked Asuka, "Will you be my master's woman?" >Asuka's mind whirled, "Oh no, now what do I say to her first >request now that we're friends?" Mike: How about no way, and stuff it? Crow: I'd go with a definite maybe? >Asuka replied carefully, "Shinji-sama is a most worthy >master, if he receives permission from his father, from my >father and has the marriage ceremony appropriate for his >station, I will consent." Crow: Ah, nuts to that. Let's have a shotgun wedding in Vegas! Tom: OK, but I get to be Elvis! Mike: And this fic will bring each and every one of those experiences to you in vivid detail! >"But I will not surrender my virginity to any man whom I >cannot call Husband!" Crow: Silly petname for Kaji. Mike: How dare you call him husband! He is known as "Master"! >Asuka's eyes flashed at the end of her statement. The old >Asuka Langley momentarily appeared hands on her hips, and >very sure of herself! Crow: Excellent.. I can start my line of German traffic signals as well. Tom: I got it now... this is the Matrix! Mike: Oh no! No! I'm losing her! S-stop regressing! I, your author, command you! >"I have already asked Commander Ikari," stated Rei flatly. >"What did he say?" Asuka looked serious. Tom: His response, and I quote, was "HAHAHAHAHA!!" Mike: Something about, "I am Gendon! I am mighty!" but that's what he always says. Crow: Yes, but only if he can join in. >"He didn't say anything." Mike: Silence means consent! >"I have also asked Miyako for her services for the master." Crow: And if you thought he cried long and loud following the beheading of common street scum, that won't be nuttin' compared to this! Mike: Ewww... that's wrong on so many levels. Tom: Argh! I can't hold back anymore! [singing] Master of the house! Keeper with a clue! >"And?" Asuka smiled. >"She said that Misato is the client " answered Rei, "But >will bed Shinji if asked to by Misato." Tom: By the time this deal goes down, Shinji will already be fast asleep with a contented smile on his face. >"What did Misato say?" giggled Asuka. >"She didn't answer, either." Rei looked puzzled. "Pillowing >is one of Miyako's talents isn't it?" Mike: Why don't you ask her fifty-eight children? Crow: Miyako, master of the anicent art of pillow fighting! Tom: Why Shinji could bed and pillow them all in under 5 minutes, or your money back! >"I'll ask Misato if she wants to! No, that would be >fraternization with a lower rank." Rei pondered the >dilemma. Crow: It's a little to late to be worried about logic now, Rei. Mike: Misato, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Tom: I think so, Rei, but where will we find asparagus and ping-pong balls this time of night? >Asuka ran from the room unable to contain her laughter. >Closing her door she headed for the bed and buried her >head in the pillow and roared with laughter. Crow: Poor Asuka is finally as crazy as we are. Tom: O-oh my god... t-this fic is s-so bad.... ahahahahahaha!!! Mike: This fic can't even take itself seriously >She laughed so hard he began losing her breath. The images >in her mind of the flushing Misato, the embarrassed >Commander, and the confused Rei only made it worse. Tom: Death by laughter. How poignent. Mike: If you're gonna go... go with a smile! Crow: Guest appearance by Harley Quinn Mike: And don't get her started on horny Kaworu, drooling Gendo, or preacher-man Kaji either! Tom: I kick ass for the Angels! >She rolled onto the floor and gasped for air and then >started all over again. About a half-hour later she had >composed herself. Crow: Into four sections... an allegro con vivo, an andante, a vivace, and then a rollicking largo... Mike: And thus she began her swift decent into madness.... >"Hi, it's me!" announced Misato. Shinji headed for the >kitchen. Tom: Shinji sees you. Shinji doesn't care. Crow: Gotta check on the hooch still. Mike: Sadly Shinji tripped over the ottoman, which he did on a regular basis these days >It was his turn to cook. He had started cooking again. He >had missed it. Tom: If you SMELLL... what Shinji's cookin'. Mike: Shinji sliced another chunk of penguin and placed it upon the pan, all the time wondering why Misato was always mad at him... Crow: Having abruptly gone blind, Shinji placed the eggs in the sink while preheating the dishwasher. >"Hi Asuka!" bubbled Misato. Asuka started laughing again. >"What's so funny?" Mike: Because there's no such thing as Scotchtoberfest! Heehee! Tom: Argh...Ya used me Shinji! YA USED ME! Crow: Smile-X strikes again. Tom: Someday, Shinji will learn that cooking with steam heat does not include nitrous oxide. Mike: Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue. >Asuka laughed harder with tears running down her face. >"What's gotten into her?" asked Shinji. Mike: I'm guessing a sense of perspective. Crow: That "HeeeeeEEEEEYYYYYY KIDS!" routine gets me every time! Hahahahahaha!! Mike: I wish it'd get Binky. >"Not you!" Asuka answered the unintended pun. The intensity >of her laughter increased. Tom: We've got to depress her! Anybody got a copy of Schindler's List?!? Crow: Th-the decibels! They're off the scale! She's gonna start an earthquake!! >"Is something wrong?" Misato asked Rei, who looked very >confused. Crow: You know, if she's laughing at Shinji in any way, we'll have to go through three more chapters of humiliation and complex yet non-intuitive plot points about apologies. Mike: In that case, she's guffawing at the antics of that crazy John Ritter. Crow: You expect me to buy that? Mike: Would you believe Tom Arnold? >"I told her about your reaction to my request for Miyako's >additional services for Shinji." Tom: And then she asked me if Miyako was available for weddings and bar mitzvahs. Crow: So many preprositional phrases! From a character who is supposed to hardly speak at all! BWAHAHAHA!! Mike: Just another ordinary day... at the Copacabana! North of Havana! And you thought we were going to say "The GeoFront", didn't you? Yeah, right! >"Oh, no!" said Misato violently blushing. >Asuka was laughing so hard she was clutching her abdomen in >pain and gasping for air. Mike: Here we go again! Tom: Or is this a reaction to Shinji's cooking? You be the judge! Crow: And now back to the... er... actually, let's judge a little more! >"Services? What services do you mean?" said Shinji. Mike: A tire rotation and a lube job. What do you think we mean, idiot? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Crow: But we already had Raiu come in to tweak the EVAs, why do we need anyone else? Tom: Man, you might be my master, but you can sure be dense sometimes.... >"Go to your room Young Ikari! That's an order! Rei, sit on >him if you have to. Just keep him out of here. Asuka may be >in real trouble." Tom: Okay, let me grab some popcorn and my cushions, Shinji-sama and I can make a night of it... Crow: She's resisting her new personality. We've got to reprogram her again! Tom: If we don't release all of her latent aggression, she's liable to become the Third Impact all by herself! Mike: Hahahahahahahaha... I'll get you, Gadget! Next time! >Misato picked up the gasping girl and laid her on the couch. >She dialed NERV medical services. Crow: We need a plot and 50 ccs of IC, stat! Tom: And also, we need an emergency funnybonectomy! Mike: Don't forget the machine that goes PING! Crow: Hello! Welcome to the wondeful world of NERV! If you are currently being crushed in the steely grip of an Angel, please push 1... >"Set scramble to 5 Baker Zulu." She keyed a code into her >cell phone. "Roger, I copy. Tom: Good thing she didn't set scramble to 221 Bravo Baker, or she would've gotten Sherlock instead of Roger. Mike: All of a sudden, Misato's dragging fifty heavy and getting position checks... it's become Smokey and the Bandit 3! Crow: I'd think it's more Cannonball Run with all the Evas... Mike: WHAT Eva's? Have we seen one yet? What are the Evas doing? Tom: Got any threes, Yui? Crow: Go fish. >The Second Child is laughing so hard she may be going into >shock," Misato reported. "No this is not a joke!" I will >personally blow your anus out of your eardrums with my >pistol if you are not here in 3 minutes!" Crow: And how his anus got INTO his eardrums, we'll never know. Mike: Of course, Misato. She has insurance, of course? Tom: Ummmm.... Crow: *click* >"Then I will turn you over to the Commander!" >"Yes, I am with the Second Child," Crow: The medicos fumbled the Misato with only a minute left... Mike: And while Misato and Gendon play phone tag, Asuka slowly laughs herself to death... Tom: Okay, here's our diagnosis... insanity. Just get her a roach clip on a rope, or a tiedstick, and she'll be just fine. >"Do what?" >"Repeat the procedure. Roger, I copy." Crow: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Mike: My reaction exactly. Tom: You know, Misato, anything I give Asuka would only be a placebo... >Misato dropped the phone and slapped Asuka hard. The pain >and stinging sensations brought the laughter to an end. Crow: Mmm... more please? Mike: ...because we haven't had any Asuka abuse for a whole five minutes. Tom: Finally! Someone demonstrates some basic competence! Crow: Too bad it only took them 20 minutes and 3 phone calls to reach this point.... >The Medical services rushed in with a litter, started an IV >of D5W and had her vital signs in seconds. "Damn! This isn't >looking good!" Crow: Sooo, what did they need the kittens for again? Tom: A sacrfice to the great Gendon? Mike: How could you, Misato? You're not a professional, why did you dispense such a strong prescription? Crow: Meanwhile, Rei's using Shinji as a trampoline, Kaji broke into the booze, Gendon's making time with Ibuki... Tom: It's the Nuthouse of Ikari! >Asuka was now crying in pain doubled over. Asuka was being >strapped in a pressure suit. Mike: I beg to differ. That is CLEARLY a poopie suit! Tom: PRESSURE SUIT! Crow: She's... [singing] dum da da da-da-da dum, under pressure. Mike: I think I liked her better as a laughing loon. >"Major! We have a surgical team standing by." "Roger, >starting Ringer's Lactate." Crow: Oh, I fervently hope that's another name for Milk of Magnesia... Tom: This fic blew all of its money on the cameos! Roger Moore, Roger Rabbit, Roger the Shrubber... Mike: Lactating underway! Prepare the cornflakes and strawberries! >The tech spoke into his headset. Crow: Ready lighting! Ready Sound! Ready to roll in 15 seconds, 5 seconds from now.... Tom: Well, I'm not really a tech guy...But I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night! Mike: The story really heightens the lack of interest in the fic. Tom: Yeah... huh? >--- Tom: Now, Sailor Moon! Mike: UFOS! LAND HERE! Crow: Uh, I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat! >"I am so sorry, but I just couldn't help it!" Asuka smiled >and then grimaced. "Ouch!" Crow: You can stop slapping her now, Misato Mike: That root canal they gave me to calm me down might've been just a bit too much. >"You tore your abdominal muscles and began bleeding >internally. The surgeons have repaired the muscles and >stopped the bleeding. Mike: They need to do exploratory surgery in a week to remove the internal Band-Aids though. Tom: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH! Crow: Stop lauging, this is serious! Tom: But that's just an absurd diagnosis! Crow: Well...okay... Mike: Nothing can be more absurd than this fic. Gendon has spoken! >You will begin physical therapy in three days to avoid >losing muscle tone. A plastic surgeon performed the open >and close procedures to eliminate scarring. Mike: He also enlarged certain other areas as well... Crow: Oh no, I'm a Double D now!! Mike: You betcha hot stuff! >You will follow his instructions in caring for the >incision." Misato informed her. Tom: Be sure to feed it iodine three times a day and keep the scab warm! Mike: Just make sure you don't get it wet and don't feed it after midnight. Crow: That's funny, Misato! HAhahahaha ow ow ouch ow... >"Damn! This smarts! Asuka looked at her abdomen; a swollen >purple line ran across her bikini line. Mike: So much for eliminating scarring. Tom: Now we've got matching scars! Isn't it cool? Mike: Gendon spent all of the NERV medical money on a giant gold statue of himself... >"As required by regulations, I have made a formal report >of the incident, which no doubt will be passed around to >every department at NERV," concluded the Major. Crow: By Monday morning, your hidious scar will be conversation for every water cooler in the department! Tom: Which will result in complete inefficiency, as it is posted everywhere and even offered to the Darwin Awards... Mike: Gee, I almost die and I get to be humilated by my coworkers...What'd I do to be so lucky? Tom: So what did this all have to do with Duke Shinji and Sir Ayanami? Or even Neon Genesis Evangelion? >-- Mike: The scene break is coming down with male pattern baldness. >In another area of NERV... >"Is that the report?" asked Commander Ikari. Crow: [singing] Believe it or not, this fanfic's still on, it should've ended two hours ago... Mike: No, it's a chain e-mail. For good luck send it on to seven of your friends. Tom: Hold your horses! I haven't finished stripping yet! >"Burn it! AND GET THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE!" Tom: SO GENDON ORDERS, SO IT SHALL BE!!! Mike: Y'know, I almost miss the umbrella right now. I wonder what it's doing? Crow: Got any threes? Tom: Go fish. >Asuka recovered without incident, the reminder was a thin >pink line that the surgeon assured her would fade away in a >few months. Tom: Are we reading an epilogue now? Mike: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...This fic has passed on to a better place. Crow He said epilogue, not epitaph... >Her physical therapy kept her abdomen flat, Miyako had some >exercises she also recommended. "I tore a muscle playing >tennis once," she remarked. Crow: Y'know, back when I used to be Martina Navratilova's concubine. Mike: It was in my thumb from playing Virtua Tennis. Tom: But that's no reason for signing me up for Tae Bo classes! Mike: Why not? That Billy Blanks is scrumptious enough to eat! Mmm-mmm! >End of Chapter 1 Tom: Chapter 1? There's.. more?? Crow: Ya call that an ending? Why back in my day we had lots of killing, kissing, and pointless explosions to end our fics! Mike: And occasionally, they even tied up VERY loose ends to the plots... Tom: Coming up next time, More Asuka bashing, more Sir Ayanami and Duke Shinji, and maybe an Angel if we can work them inbetween all of this fun and exciting action... --Satellite of Love "Hoo, boy, did anyone catch the license plate on that crossover?" Tom Servo complained. Mike sighed. "No, little buddy, it pretty much blind-sided us..." "Hey, I know what let's do!" Crow said from Mike's right side. "Remember Miyako the geisha-slash-concubiness- slash-cook-slash-everything else?" "How the heck can we forget, Crow?" Tom groused. "Well, I figure we should help the readers avoid this sort of human plot contrivance in the future... by showing them Classifieds Geishas Place!" Crow celebrated. He had a newspaper in one claw, which Mike took and spread out on the desk. After opening to page F13, there were many red circles. Mike smiled. "Okay Crow, why don't you start?" "Here's one! 'SW, Asian, looking for stable environment in which to torture German preteens!'" Crow read. "Hey, yeah, I can get into this!" Tom said. He hovered near the paper and read another of the circled ads. "'Lonely woman ISO NURV Geofront masters who would pay handsomely to move the plot along!'" Mike took a pair of reading glasses from his pocket and looked at another ad. "Here we go... 'I'm a geisha, hire me!'" "I think that one was a bit desperate, Mike," Crow stated. "And here I thought Miyako was the last of the red-hot geishas, Crow... what gives?" Mike inquired. "Well, once girls the world 'round read this story and saw the immense power a geisha can wield, along with hobnobbing with royalty AND Gendon at the same time... what poor young woman could resist?" Crow moved the paper and pointed to another ad. "Besides, they have a great training school..." "Mr. Fujinami's Finishing School for Young Geishas" Mike read. "That's rather ironic, innit?" he asked rhetorically. Just then, the red light on the counter started flashing. "What do you think, Dr. Rangerer?" -- Deep Thirteen "And if you'll look at this policy, Mr. Forrester..." "DOCTOR Forrester." "Right, right... if you'll look at this policy, we expressly forbid payment on ANY collision, no matter the size. Therefore, our contract is ironclad, and don't forget to pay your premium... in a couple days, isn't it? February twentieth is coming up soo-oon..." Pitch the devil folded his copy of the Satellite of Love's insurance contract and placed a battered derby hat on his head. "Uhh, thanks for coming, I guess..." Dr. Forrester stammered. "Right. Shall I push this button for you before I go?" "By all means..." Dr. F kept scanning the contract, possibly looking for a loophole... ---FWOOSH!--- People involved in this project: Fido, Gary, Latin_D, Megane 6.7, Ammadeau, Lerche, Richard, Zoogz. Editors: Megane 6.7 and Zoogz Host segment writer: Zoogz Other stories by this author (Teisu) may be found at: http://www.geocities.com/bthies Other MSTs by the Dot Every T production team may be found at: http://www.nabiki.com/megane67/mst/colla