Richard Beaubien Presents....

A Dot Every T Production....

"RELATIONSHIPS" PT. 1

(A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover)

MSTed by:
Ammadeau
Kaworu
Lerche
Megane 6.7
Richard Beaubien
SKJAM
Zoogz

Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax and all the distributors of
their work. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

"Relationships" was written by Sidewinder <aim9snake.hotmail.com>
and is used with his permission and our gratitude.

****

"Hello," the bellboy cheerfully greeted as he opened the door, "Welcome to
the MST3k Robotics and Psychology Roundtables, or 'Riffing with the Riff-raff'.
Have you preregistered for this con, Sir?"

"Yes," the small diminutive man dryly replied as he turned to face the
bellboy, "I am Dr. Mon Mon, and as such, I bring atrocities the likes of
you have never seen... like Ton Ton."

"Ah, I see your part of the exhibit crew then?"

"That is correct," Dr. Mon Mon answered, "But it is also incorrect as
I will be taking part in the seminars as well."

"Have a good time then," The bellboy said as he handed Dr. Mon Mon
his convention badge. "Don't forget that today's keynote address is by
Dr. Clayton Forrester himself, followed by the Miss MST3K Wet T-shirt
contest."

"Oh, I won't forget that," Dr. Mon Mon chuckled diabolically, "Ton Ton
insisted that we attend...."

****

Dr. Forrester paced around the room, sweat appearing on his brow. In
his hands were the remnants of his speech, each page full of red ink and
crossed out words. "Oh, I don't know if I'm ready for this, I so despise
speaking in front of a crowd."

"Hmfph," TV's Frank replied as he as he sampled some of the waiting
room's donuts.

"Frank, how many times have I told you to finish eating before you
speak?"

"Sorry," Frank muttered, finishing of the last bit of the snack food.
"Anyway, have you seen who's out there? We have the Elmer Studio's
group, John Biles and Ami Mizuno, and other famous MST groups whose
names seem to escape me at the moment."

Dr. Forrester glared at his sidekick. "You're not helping, Frank..."

"Oh, you'll do fine as long as you pepper your speech with crude one
liners and perverted jokes." Frank paused as he peeked through the
curtain. "Oh look!" He suddenly exclaimed, "Cowboy Jadeite is even
here. I've always wanted to meet him!"

"And why is Jadeite here, perchance?" Dr. Forrester asked curiously.

"Gee, I dunno..." Frank replied in awe, "Doesn't he always come back
to life in a fanfic?"

Before Dr. Forrester could berate his erstwhile sidekick, a con staffer
came into the room. "Okay, Dr. F, you're on in one minute."

"Oh dear," Dr. Forrester replied in a worried voice as he paced around
the room, "What shall I do? What will I talk about?"

"Well, you could always show them that MST..." Frank suggested.

Dr. Forrester suddenly stopped moving, an evil glint appearing in
his eye. "Why yes, that is a perfectly delectable idea if I do say so
myself...." And with that Dr. Forrester allowed himself the luxury of an
evil laugh, just because he felt like one.

****

"And without further ado," The master of ceremonies exclaimed as he
stood on stage, "I'd like to present the man who's immoral and unethical
experiments on humans which have become America's third favorite form
of late night entertainment behind sleazy late night talk shows and the
infomercial... Dr. Clayton Forrester!"

The assembled crowd cheered as Dr. Clayton Forrester walked on stage,
followed by TV's Frank who was dragging along a rather large projector
device with him. Dr. Forrester paused for a second to soak in the applause
when he reached the microphone stand. "Oh it's nice to finally be
admired," he whispered, "This makes all my work worthwhile."

Finally the applause started to die down, and Forrester started his
speech. "Greetings, fellow mad scientists, Hollywood executives, college
students who are only here for the free buffet afterwards, and people who
are mentally unbalanced in general. I'd like to welcome you all to Riffing With
the Riff-raff."

The crowd started to cheer again for a few seconds, and Forrester
waited till it died down again before he continued. "I'd like to thank you
all for the warm greeting you've given me, and I also appreciate the fact
you've all come here today." Forrester paused as another round of applause
broke out. "Seeing you all here today has made it easier to root out potential
rivals and brutally crush them on my way to world domination."

An awkward silence hung over the room after the last statement, broken
up by the sounds of one or two people nervously clapping. Dr. Forrester
ignored them and continued with his speech "Anyway, I'm here to talk
about the technical side of my experiments today. Have you ever noticed
that the test subjects will build up a resistance if you continue to use similar
stimuli?"

All around the room people were nodding their heads. Encouraged by
the positive response, Dr. Forrester kept up his line of questioning. "And
have you also noticed they'll continue to use the same jokes over and over
if the stories are similar?"

"He's not a dragon, He's not a dragon!" One of the audience screamed
out before his friends restrained him.

"As you can see," Dr. Forrester continued, "You also run the risk of
driving the test subjects totally insane. And I don't know about you, but I
wouldn't want to rule over totally insane people." Dr. Forrester started to
laugh, but soon trailed off as the crowd glared at him.

"Anyway..." Dr. Forrester carried on nervously, "What I'm going to show
you tonight is the result of one such experiment where I changed the
stimuli. What I did was present a group of four... volunteers... with an
Evangelion fanfic that was written in a style they had never seen before."

"A fic where D.J. Croft is actually a normal Human being?"

"A fic where Ranma is not a godlike Eva-Pilot?"

"A Pen-Pen/Oscar lemon?"

"No, No, No!" Dr. Forrester responded angrily, "Those are all variations
of previous stimuli and my... volunteers... have developed a resistance to
bad self-inserts, crossovers, and lemons."

"Even Oscar lemons?"

"Well, I'm not sure about that..." Dr. Forrester trailed off for a second.
"But anyway, the film I'm going to show you is a truly new type of stimuli
in Evangelion fanfiction, one which will create scads of useful new data for my
experiment."

"So what is it?" The crowd asked in unison.

"Why... it's a fic where Shinji is a god-boy!" Dr. Forrester laughed as
the crowd recoiled in horror, some of them even fainting.

"We're ready here, Dr. F!" TV's Frank exclaimed from beside the
projector.

"Then let's get this show on the road!"

[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]


>C & C is appreciated. Please remember, the story is set in an alternate
>universe, so don't be surprised when Shinji plays the piano instead of the
>cello.


Mike: Yes, We all know Shinji has great balls of fire.
Tom: New Shinji! Comes with the C Sharp Grip!
Joel: But there's always room for cello!


>Changes to the story include a new scene to show the relationship between
>Asuka and Misato, and a scene to show how Ritsuko feels about her role in
>the Completion of Man Project.


All: <Ritsuko, singing> Feelings.. nothing more than feelings....


>Minor changes in the scenes where Shinji uses his guns.


Crow: The major changes are the scenes where Asuka and Misato have wild
unbridled sex.
Joel: Disgruntled NERV employees and the women who love them,
next Geraldo!


>Relationships: An Evangelion Fan-Fiction
>* Foreword *


Crow: Iyaa! Don't be so foreward... we just met...


>After Yui died, Gendo sent Shinji to Hong Kong.


Tom: Too bad it was underwater because of the Second Impact.


>Long, an intelligence officer, enrolled Shinji in the People's Liberation
>Army Academy.


Joel: PLAA... is that anything like ska?


>During the Sino-Japanese conflict over the Spratly Islands, a race riot
>occurred in Hong Kong. To survive, Shinji adopted a new identity.


Mike: <singing> There he is.. Miss Hong Kong 2015
Crow: <Shinji> I'm now... DJ Croft!
Tom: <Shinji> Letsee, my new name is... Moroboshi Ataru?!? You crook!
Give me my money back!


>* Story *


Joel: ... that was it? That was the big foreward?
Mike: Certainly set the scene, eh?
Tom: <singing> This is the beginning... The beginning of our
story... the beginning....


>1130 hours, Wednesday. Asuka Langley leapt off the diving board. Splash!
>She surfaced, savoring the water's cool embrace.


Mike: Which then choked her to death. The End.


>"Come in, the water's fine!" Asuka called to Horaki Hikari, who sat at
>the pool's edge. She playfully splashed water at Hikari, who giggled
>and splashed back.


Joel: <Asuka> Marco!
Crow and Tom: <Hikari> Polo!
Mike: Then Asuka whipped out the Super Soaker and made sure to send
Hikari to a watery grave.


>Aida Kensuke and Suzuhara Toji finished their fourth lap around the First
>Middle School racetrack, then spied on the girls. Ikari Shinji, who
>finished a few minutes ago, performed one-armed push-ups beside the track.


Joel: <Ikari> *puff puff* Never know when I'm *puff* going to win an
Academy Award....
Crow: Shinji's finally a man. I think I might swoon.
Tom: So manly that he can only abide the touch of men as manly as himself!
He's been Clampified!


>Asuka stepped out of the pool, then approached the pool's fence. "Hey,
>Psycho Gunner!" She waved to Shinji, then sensually ran her hands over her
>body.


Mike: <Asuka> Hmmm, I could stand to lose a pound or three....
Joel: So she's talking to a new arcade game? Or is it just a really bad secret
ID?


>Shinji ignored her and the other girls. "Don't you want me, baby?"
>Asuka sang.


Crow: Hey! Asuka's stealing my line!
Tom: <Shinji> I'd rather sleep with the entire Human League!
Joel: <Kaworu> Shinji, you're stealing _my_ lines now.


>Kensuke felt a familiar hunger as his eyes traced Asuka's curves. "Hey,
>Toji!" he called. "If Asuka's a lesbian, do you think she'll..."


Mike: <Kensuke> Cook me a pie?
Joel: ...get us ice-cream from the Dairy Queen?
Crow: <Kensuke> ... do me because I'm so girlish and unmasculine?


>Toji ignored Kensuke and stared at Hikari. "Shinji..." He stopped. 'Can
>Shinji help me?' Toji asked himself.


Tom: <Toji> If you don't know, how the hell should I know?!?
Mike: I see the NERV group-exercise program has gotten off to a swimming
start...
Crow: I just hate to see the locker rooms afterward.
Joel: Pity the janitor.


>"Shinji-kun, you know Asuka pretty well. Will she let you watch her do
>another girl?" Kensuke asked.


Crow: <Shinji> Not only that, she let me tape it!
Tom: <Shinji> I dunno, but she told me to have you look up
<http://www.asukaxxx.com>...
Joel: <Shinji> No, she'll tackle me to the ground, beat the living crap out
of me and scratch out my eyes. But thanks for asking!
Crow: <Shinji> But I'd match rather have her watch me doing you,
Kensuke-chan.


>Don't you think of anything other than sex and guns?" Toji barked.


Joel: <Toji> Arf arf, baby.
Mike: <Kensuke> Does sex WITH guns count?


>"Don't you think of the same things? Admit it, you'd like to shoot Hikari
>with your Rocket of Love!" Kensuke joked.


Crow: <Toji> I shoot darts and my mouth and that's it, dammit.
Tom: Houston we have premature ignition.. abort the mission.
Mike: He likes putting M-80s into women? How kinky...
Joel: No, but I'd like to send her to my Satellite of Love and force her to
watch bad movies. I'm strange like that.


>Toji blushed. "That... that's none of your business!" he cried. Shinji
>chuckled as Kensuke bombarded his friend with embarrassing questions


Tom: <Kensuke> What are you measurements? Do you like it on a bike,
with a dyke?
Joel: <Kensuke> Does your mom tuck you in at night? Do you enjoy
collecting pink furry animals? Do you watch Beaches on a daily basis
and if so, do you weep like a baby at the end?
Crow: <Kensuke> How often do you masturbate while thinking of Shinji?
Mike: <Kensuke> Just HOW yellow are your sheets?


>Ayanami Rei stared at Shinji's face. 'Ikari-kun trusts them,' Rei noted.


Joel: And Rei suddenly appears without anyone noticing.
Tom: <Rei> Hey, I just teleported here. It's impressive!


>"He does not trust his father. Why?' Rei remembered Shinji's conflict with
>his father. When the 4th Angel attacked, Shinji piloted Evangelion Unit 01
>into battle.


Joel: OK, so the conflict was that he piloted Unit-01?
Tom: But not before piloting Eva 01 to the local KFC for some spicy chicken.
Crow: <Gendo> Dammit, I wanted the COLESLAW!


>Toji and Kensuke left their bomb shelter to watch the battle.
>Their curiosity nearly killed them. Shinji took them into the Eva's
>cockpit, then fled in order to save Toji and Kensuke


Tom: Sure, the previous three angels had already lay waste by the time
Shinji got his butt in gear, but....
Mike: Shinji took them into the cockpit and then bailed? That sounds
more dangerous than safe.
Crow: <Shinji> Here's an Angel, good luck suckers... heh heh heh...


>Although Shinji returned and defeated the Angel, Gendo didn't forgive
>his son's momentary cowardice.


Crow: <Gendo> I shall not forgive you! In the name of NERV I will punish you!
Mike: <Gendo> Despite your five minutes of bravery, your five seconds of
cowardice is JUST ENOUGH for me to cast you out! SCORN! SHAME!
Tom: <Gendo> I never liked him anyway.


>Three months ago. Supreme Commander Ikari Gendo looked into his son's
>eyes.


Mike: <Gendo> I brought you into this world, I can take you out. Doesn't
matter to me because I'll make another that looks just like you.
Joel: Gendo: You know.. Shinji.. at times like this.. you look so much like
your mother...
Crow: Then Gendo blushed, staring at those brown pools brought feelings
he hadn't known for years now...


>You disobeyed orders," he accused. Beside him, a computer monitor
>showed images from a spy satellite. The Angel's tentacles penetrated the
>Eva's torso.


Mike: <Gendo> You disobeyed orders, and we didn't get the money shot.
Tom: They had to cut that scene even when it aired in Japan though.


>Another monitor showed images from the cockpit's internal camera. As
>Shinji screamed, Toji and Kensuke put their hands over their ears.


Tom: See no Anno, hear no Anno.
Joel: <Toji> Commence silent running!
Crow: <Kensuke> Silent running commenced!
Joel: <Toji> Pardon?
Mike: Check it out, Kensuke and Toji are getting commands from the
mothership.


>"Negative," Shinji answered. "My orders were to protect the innocent."


Crow: And to uphold the public trust... Shinji and Asuka in Dragnet!
Tom: Dum da dum dum.
Mike: <Shinji> Now then, where are those guilty bastards I was told to frag?


>"By violating security protocols?" The Eva drew its progressive sword,
>severed the tentacles, then resumed fleeing.


Crow: <Shinji> I violated a great many things, but not the protocols
Joel: He ripped that technique off from Ranma....
Tom: This whole fic is so very Freudian. violating, swords, tentacles...
Joel: Oh my!


>Through a crack in the office door, Rei saw Shinji clench his fist.
>"Were the protocols more important than the lives of two young men?"
>he asked.


Crow: Yep.
Mike: <Shinji> What about the rights of that little girl?!
Joel: I don't believe Shinji would have learned such free-thinking in the PLAA
Tom: What about that fascinating prologue that had Shinji in Hong Kong
anyway?


>"You abandoned your duty. By doing so, you placed countless innocent
>lives in danger..."


Joel: <Shinji> But didn't I tell you? Danger's my middle name!
Tom: <Shinji> OK, but by that logic, I also placed some guilty
lives in danger, right?
Crow: Man, this new improved Shinji is lame. Even the old one
knew he mustn't run away.


>"You abandoned your duty!" Shinji accused, slamming his fist against
>Gendo's desk.


Mike: <Shinji> OWWWWWWUCH! What have I told you about leaving
pushpins upside down?!?
Joel: Sadly the desk fought back and kicked Shinji's butt handily
Tom: <Gendo> Don't damage the mahogany! It's worth more than your life!


>Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the desk. Shinji kneeled before the desk
>and cried.


Tom: <Shinji> Oh holy desk, I have sinned!
Joel: <Shinji> B-Bambi's mom is... dead?
Crow: At this point, the author attempted an Anno-ish anime noir sort of shot...


>The sight saddened Rei. She wanted to embrace the boy, to comfort him.
>But she didn't.


Mike: <Rei> I mean, normally I would, but... hugging *SHINJI*? I mean...
eww....
Crow: <Rei> Ho-hum, wonder what's on Cartoon Network now.


>"I will not tolerate this insolence! Security!" Gendo called. One of his
>bodyguards grabbed Shinji's shoulder. Ignoring the boy's pain, the guard
>lifted Shinji off the desk and onto his feet.


Mike: <Guard> We're trained to ignore pain. Especially when it's not ours.
Heh heh...
Joel: Then he made him dance the can can, followed by a stiff slam dance
and concluded with a slow waltz.
Crow: <Shinji> Normally I don't do Pine, but I'll make an exception for you.


>Crack! The guard fell, clutching his shattered knee. Shocked by Shinji's
>sudden kick, the others stepped away from him.


Tom: Again the mysterious crack strikes.
Crow: He's footed and dangerous!
Joel: <Guards, gasping> He can kick! He can kick, he can kick, he can kick,
he can kick!
Mike: <Shinji> I CAN SINGGGGGGGG!!!
Crow: Can it, Troy!


>"I'm not your whore," the pilot snarled. "I won't bend over for you."
>Rei hid behind the door as Shinji left the office.


Crow: But he was KNEELING, not bending!
Joel: <Gendo> But you just did.
Mike: <Shinji> The first one's free. Then I start charging.
Crow: <Rei> Oh, Gendo! I hear there's a position open for a whore?


>"What a monster," a guard said.
>The words angered Rei. She wanted to confront the guard, to say,
>"Ikari-kun is not a monster." But she didn't.


Mike: <Rei> They're not paying me enough to act.
Tom: She figured she'd just send a strong letter to the editor instead.


>Present day. 'Ikari-kun belieeves that his father betrayed him,' Rei
>answered herself. The knowledge saddened her. She wanted the Ikaris
>to resolve their conflicts.


Crow: ... you mean all that was in the past? Maybe that's where the rest
of the mighty foreword went.
Tom: Therefore, Rei started studying family counseling.
Joel: <Rei> Okay Mr. Ikari, when did you start feeling tension in your
relationship with your son?
Mike: <Shinji> Why did you abandon me?
Crow: <Gendo> Because you're not quite evil enough.


>Two shadows cloaked her. "Hey, Rei-chan!" Aino Minako called. "What
>are you doing?" Rei ignored her classmate, who leaned over her shoulder.


Mike: Was a piece of another fic slipped in by mistake?
Crow: But Rei's will was tested when Minako started blowing in her ear,
and even further when she felt a tongue circle her lobe....
Tom: Sadly he didn't realize that cameo does not equal plot


>Kino Makoto traced Rei's line of sight. "She's drooling over Shinji's lean,
>athletic body," Makoto guessed.


Joel: <Makoto> Why, he reminds me of my old boyfrien... oh wait, he
looks nothing like him at all.
Crow: <Makato> Wait a second... drooling...
Tom: <Minako> ...over....
Both: SHINJI?!? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!


>"I am not drooling," Rei said.
>Minako examined Rei's cheeks. "You're blushing, you're blushing!"
>Minako joked.


Crow: A fire in the cheeks, unexplained heat from Rei... she IS Sailor Mars!
Mike: <Rei> OK, I'm blushing!
Tom: <Minako> Ha ha! Apple Cheeks Apple cheeks!
Mike: <Rei> OK, I get it alrea...
Tom: <Minako> Rosy Face! Rosy Face!
Mike: <Rei> Arrrgh!


>"I am not blushing," Rei said, without her typical calm. "I am... cold.
>I am leaving." She turned her back to Minako.


Joel: <Rei> I can act. I can sell. I have the power of bleach.
Crow: <Makoto> Damn, I love it when she plays hard to get. Wait, I'm
not gay. Yet.
Mike: So someday the author's going to explain this non sequitur scene...
I hope...


>Makoto put her hand on Rei's shoulder. "Don't be embarrassed," Makoto said.
>"If it makes you feel better, I'll confess. I also fantasize about
Shinji-kun."
>Rei did not feel better.


Tom: REALLY, who wouldn't fantasize about Shinji?
Mike: <Makoto> No, she feels kinda... bony.
Joel: <Rei> What chance does a blue-haired girl have against someone
like Makoto? Maybe I should talk to Ami instead.
Crow: <Makoto> OK, I also fantasize about Mamoru! Not to mention
Motoki! Hell, I've even pictured us together a few times! Feel better yet?


>"You're so lucky!" Minako cried. "The most popular guy in class has
>his eyes on you! I wish Shinji-kun would have his eyes on me!"


Tom: And Riona burst in and layeths the smack down on Minako for stealing
her theme.
Crow: <Riona> KNOW YOUR PLACE!


>"We are coworkers. Our relationship does not extend beyond professional
>boundaries." Rei walked away.


Mike: <Rei> Now if you'll excuse me, Misato and I have a date with a pair
of Asahi brewskis at her pad.
Crow: <Shinji> Professionally speaking, would you mind if I humped you
on my desk?
Tom: Minako: The oldest profession


>"But don't you want more?" Makoto asked.
>Rei stopped. "I do not know."


Tom: <Makoto> You want more? We'll throw in these shammies and a
bucket FOR FREE! Yes, this whole set can be YOURS for the low low
price of 1,999 yen!
Joel: <Makoto> How about now?
Crow: <Rei> Still not sure?
Joel: <Makoto> Now?
Crow: <Rei> Okay, that's enough whipped cream on Minako.
Mike: <Rei> I mean, I'm so excited, I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose
control and I THINK I like it but....


>1150 hours. The cold water stung Asuka's eyes. "Damn it, why can't we
>have hot showers?" she complained, rinsing her hair. "Is the school too
>cheap to..."


Tom: <Asuka> Damn it, why can't we have a scene break, a segue, or something?
Crow: <Principal Skinner> Stop griping and drink your Malk!


>Hikari felt a familiar hunger as her eyes traced Asuka's curves. 'She's so
>beautiful,' Hikari thought.


Joel: What is it with everyone wanting to eat one another in this?
Crow: Enough eye roaming already! Either DO something or shut up!
Mike: <Hikari> I need my daily dose of Asuka!
Tom: <Hikari> Asuka, do like Amanda Beardsley? I sure do.


>Few people would describe Asuka as "beautiful," due to her tempestuous
>facade. However, Hikari could see through the facade.


Tom: <Hikari> ...to the red and blue veins below, and her delightfully
DELICIOUS liver... Mmm. Methinks it's time to get crazy with the
Cheez Whiz.
Crow: <Hikari> With a body like that who needs personality


>Asuka was caring and compassionate. Asuka feared loneliness, but she
>hid her fears, projecting a sense of strength. Like Hikari herself.


Tom: Asuka was very OOC, apparently.
Mike: Tell us everything... la la la la... cause we're too dumb to be
shown... la la la la....


>'I can see through her mask. I know her secret fears,' Hikari thought.
>'Can she see through my mask? Does she know?


Joel: <Hikari> Are the eyeholes too darn wide?
Tom: <Hikari> That in reality I'm...I'm...UltraMan!
Mike: <Hikari> Er, Asuka, can you see through my mask?
Crow: <Asuka> No, but that blouse is something else!


>Mrs. Horaki was the family's pillar of strength, projecting a sense of
>confidence to her daughters. After she died, Hikari assumed her mother's
>responsibilities.


Crow: All of her mother's responsibilities... and her dad has never been
happier!
Tom: Well... after he broke her in.


>She projected a sense of confidence to her sisters, but Hikari herself felt
vulnerable.
>As a pillar of strength, Hikari stood alone.


Joel: As did the cheese.
Tom: <singing> Solid... Solid as a rock.
Crow: However, as a Doric column, Hikari had much to work on.


>Asuka, who had strength and confidence to spare, changed this. Hikari
>felt that she could trust Asuka, that she could lean on Asuka's shoulders
>when she felt vulnerable.


Tom: And grab her breasts when she loses her balance. Even in public.
Mike: Especially in public, at least that's her excuse.
Crow: She felt that Asuka could paint her apartment when it chipped
and wouldn't mind lending her two thousand for a rainy day too!
Joel: <singing> Lean on me, when you're not strong... and I'll fall right
down... break my nose anddddd four of my ribs....


>But if Hikari expressed her feelings for Asuka, her family would
>disinherit her. Her father was homophobic, and her older sister has
>inherited this phobia.


Joel: <Hikari> I just hope I don't inherit it as well... suicide is *SO* last
week.
Mike: Wow, old dad is teaching all of his daughters 'the lesson.'
Crow: <Mr. Horaki> If you are not a Woman among Women, we will
force you to commit seppuku!
Tom: Mr. Horaki used his pen name "Pat Buchanan" often.


>'Must I be lonely?' Hikari asked herself. 'Must I choose between my heart
>and my family?' She turned on the faucet to wash away her tears.


Tom: Boo hoo. I feel my heart breaking.
Joel: And suddenly, Asuka began screaming as the water in the shower
turned to scalding.
Mike: <Hikari> I need to talk to my good friend Lisa Foster about this!


>A gentle hand touched Hikari's shoulder. "Are you okay?" Asuka asked.


Mike: <Asuka> If so, I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! That damn shower was
like a run of hot grease!
Crow: <Hikari> I'm so OOC that I've been turned into a raging lesbian and
I'm stuck in a crappy fanfic! Does that sound okay to you?
Tom: <Asuka> Well... yeah.


>Hikari sadly smiled. "I'm fine," she lied. Asuka was suspicious. "I'm
>freezing!" Hikari complained. "We should march into the Principal's
>office and demand hot showers!"


Joel: Heh. They should go for pop from the water fountains while they're at it.
Mike: <Principal> Hot showers?!? W-w-with you girls?!? O-oh my god!
It... it... IT'S A HENTAI'S DREAM COME TRUE!!!
Tom: <Asuka> Oh, get away from us, you loser!


>Asuka's suspicion evaporated. "You go, girl!" she cheered. She had a
>beautiful smile.


Crow: Among other things, Asuka was formally Queen Latifah's protege.


>1600 hours. Rei stood up when the school bell ringed. At 1630 hours,
>she was to report to Dr. Akagi, then perform her harmonics tests.


Tom: She was practicing up to be a jailhouse virtuoso.
Mike: Or John Popper...
Joel: Rei, known as 'Ms. Skins' to her friends....
Crow: <Ritsuko> Now let's see how loudly you scream when I do this,
you little tramp!


>"Bye, Hikari-chan!" Asuka said, smiling. After Hikari left, she frowned.
>"Another boring harmonics test," Asuka complained. "Do we have to
>take them?"


Tom: <Dr. Akagi> If we want to keep our state funding, yes.
Mike: <Asuka> I mean, I like Elwood Blues and all, but....


>"The tests are necessary to ascertain our ability to pilot the Evas," Rei
>answered.


Crow: Gah! Rei appears ANYWHERE!
Tom: <Asuka> Can you try that again WITHOUT the thesaurus,
vocabulary girl?!?
Joel: <Asuka> Umm, we can pilot them already. Remember those
near death fights we've had, Wonder Girl?
Tom: <Rei> No, I was dead.
Mike: <Asuka> You mean we DON'T have to wear these skintight,
figure enhancing suits?


>"But must we take them twice every week? Why can't we take them
>once every month? Come on, Wonder Girl, you don't like the boring
>harmonics tests, do you?" Asuka asked.


Joel: <Rei> I dunno, I get the blues about this often...
Crow: <Rei> Ritsuko has a lesbian rubber fetish. Deal.


>"I am ordered to take the tests," Rei answered. "I will obey my orders.
>My opinion is irrelevant."


Tom: Rei IS Seven of Nine IN Neon Genesis Evangelion: The Borg Collective!


>Asuka sighed. "There's more to life than obeying orders."


Mike: There's taking orders, receiving orders....
Crow: <Asuka> Like walks in the park, eating cream puffs, and mercilessly
exterminating Angels!
Tom: <Asuka> There's giving them! Now make me some pie, bitch!


>Shinji put his hand on Rei's shoulder. "Rei, baby, please inform Dr. Akagi
>that I'll be one hour late."


Joel: <Shinji> I've got a date with my 'special' friend, the amazing Tom Dyron!
Crow: <Rei> Sure, stud-muffin... I'll make sure she saves her rubber-glove
examination for you.
Tom: <Shinji> And one more thing, babe, I'll be here to pick you up around
sevenish... wear something tight, 'kay?


>"Affirmative." Shinji smiled his thanks, then followed Toji out the door.
>Rei called the doctor, who sighed.


Crow: Hey author, mind INTRODUCING the characters that are in the
scene? This is getting insane!
Mike: For all we know, Gendo's watching in a corner of the room,
grinning lecherously.
Tom: <Gendo> Ahem...Please carry on as if I wasn't here...
Joel: <Doctor> Please state the nature of the medical emergency... man,
I hate saying that.


>"Hey, Rei-chan!" Minako called. "Is Shinji really gay? Is he joining Toji
>at a love hotel?"


Joel: <Rei> Wow, with this 3-way calling I can stay in touch with all
my friends!
Crow: <Rei> I will inform you after I observe the footage.


>"Impossible!" Makoto answered. "When I asked him, 'Are you
>gay?' Shinji laughed! No homosexual is that self-confident!"


Mike: <Makoto> The Gay Pride parade is a sham! Don't believe the lies!
Crow: You know, the really strange thing about this is that the only
characters who are remotely IC are from Sailor Moon...


>"Maybe he is gay, but he doesn't care about our opinions," Asuka guessed.


Tom: <Ed McMahon> HA HA! You are correct, sir!


>"Ikari-kun is not a homosexual," Rei admonished. "He is visiting Yuki,
>Suzuhara's younger sister. She was wounded when the 3rd Angel attacked.
>Ikari-kun feels responsible for Yuki's injuries, and seeks atonement..."


Tom: <Rei> He has left to pray to the Shrine of Yuki. Might you care to
leave a human sacrifice too?
Mike: <Makoto> Well maybe if Shinji had hustled a little better, he would
have stopped the third angel instead of meeting the fourth!
Crow: <Rei> Though his idea of atonement is for Toji to boink him in the
restroom afterwards.


>She stopped. "It was not his fault." She walked away.


Crow: She does things. In small sentences.
Joel: <singing> Daddy gave me a name. And then he walked away.


>"Dear God," Minako whispered. "I'm sorry."
>'So am I,' Rei noted.


Tom: So are we.
Mike: Duly entered into the minutes, Ms. Ayanami.


>1620 hours. "Bro!" Suzuhara Yuki dropped her cane, ran towards her
>brother, then fell onto the floor.


Crow: <Yuki> Damn that faith healer! He said that my leg was perfectly fine!
Mike: So the author's idea of comedy is for a little crippled girl to fall flat
on her face?
Tom: I'm laughing.


>Toji sighed. "Be careful!" He kneeled beside Yuki to help her stand up.
>"Miss, I believe this is yours," Shinji said, holding Yuki's cane in his left
hand.


Joel: <Yuki> Don't patronize me, Spineless, or this cane will be up your nose
faster than you can say "whipping-boy"!


>"Thank you," Yuki said.
>"So is this," Shinji added, holding a bouquet of yellow roses in his right
hand.


Tom: Shinji can even do cheap magic tricks in this alt. D.J. Croft, look out!
Joel: <Yuki> Wow, you're smooth!
Crow: <Shinji> Just call me Guido, babycakes.


>"They're so pretty!" The girl smiled her thanks.
>"Shinji-kun, you didn't have to..." Toji began.


Mike: <Toji> ...steal these from a graveyard! I would have accepted
store-bought!
Tom: This Shinji likes 'em young and crippled.
Crow: That way they can't run in fear and loathing.


>"I have to. I'm a romantic," Shinji finished.
>"So, where's my wedding ring?" Yuki asked. Shinji laughed.


Joel: <Shinji> Next box of Cracker Jacks, I promise!
Tom: Shinji is Mr. Smooth. He learned it all during his underwater
training in Hong Kong.


>1730 hours. "Dr. Akagi, what is the basis of a relationship?"


Crow: <Ritsuko> Dark glasses and white gloves.
Mike: With a EVA fanfic, you'll always know what time it is! And now
back to our fanfic....


>Akagi Ritsuko, head of research for the Evangelion Project, stopped
>typing her report. "Why are you interested, Rei?"


Joel: <Rei> I heard rumors about relationships and figured I'd try
one out myself. Know any good candidates?
Mike: <Rei> DUHHHH... 'cause I wanna go steady with a guy! Need
a more obvious clue?!?
Tom: <Ritsuko> *Is she coming on to me? Oh no, I think she is...*


>"My relationship with Pilot Ikari is set within professional boundaries.
>However, Pilot Ikari seeks to extend our relationship beyond these
>boundaries. Should I allow him to do so?"


Crow: <Ritsuko> Huh?
Joel: <Rei> Second Base!
Crow: <Ritsuko> Oh!
Mike: So now Shinji's cheating with Rei on the CRIPPLED GIRL?! Lynch
the bastard!


>"Well, what do you want in a relationship?" Ritsuko continued.


Joel: <Rei> Sex and shopping! And a painted kitchen too!
Tom: <Rei> Maybe someone to finally get rid of those bloody bandages in
my apartment.


>"I do not know. I do know that Ikari-kun's relationship with his father...
>with yourself is professional." Ritsuko frowned at the last sentence.


Crow: <Ritsuko> Wait a minute... could Rei and his father be...
ONE AND THE SAME?!?
Mike: This sounds like a bad episode of "Scooby-Doo."
Joel: <Rei> And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for
those lousy kids! And their little Kensuke too!


>"I know you seek a maternal relationship with Ikari-kun, due
>to your intimate relationship with the Commander. However, this
>relationship will give you influence over Ikari-kun's thoughts and
>opinions. He sees this influence as a threat to his independence..."


Mike: <Rei> In other words, he's afraid of being whipped like any other
normal guy?
Crow: <Ritsuko> Natch.
Tom: Now appearing as the Tories, Ayanami Rei!
Joel: ... so Ritsuko thinks that Rei, who is also Gendo, wants to be Shinji's
mom now?!? Ahhh!!


>"So he rejects me," Ritsuko finished.


Tom: <Rei> It's better than a slap in the face and a kick in the ass.
Mike: <Rei> But he's just not my type! I'm A- and he's O+!


>"Yes," Rei answered. Ritsuko clenched her fist. "I am sorry." Rei
>walked away.


Tom: Rei stopped. "Good-bye." Rei turned. Rei walked. Rei continued.
Joel: FEEL the drama! FEEL the ANGST!
Crow: Feel the boredom.


>"Hey, Rei, baby!" Shinji pecked the girl's cheeks. Rei blushed.


Mike: And Shinji once again appears out of thin air. Amazing!
Joel: Shinji _is_ Woody the Woodpecker!
Crow: <Shinji> Hey baby, hi baby, what's your sign?


>"Leave the poor girl alone, Psycho Gunner!" Asuka barked.


Mike: Sheesh, what is that... Shinji's Arapaho name?
Tom: It's just a little pet name for his toothpick cannon, if you
know what I mean.
Mike: Say no more!
Joel: For some reason, I keep expecting a theme song to break
out whenever 'Psycho Gunner!' is mentioned....
Crow: Too bad Shinji keeps shooting blanks


>Shinji laughed. "Hey, Doc!" He entered the office.
>"Sorry, I had to take care of some business."
>Ritsuko sighed. "I understand."


Joel: <Ritsuko> But must you do it everyday?
Mike: Now playing the part of Ikari Shinji, Bugs Bunny!
Tom: Just thought of something. If Rei is also Gendo in this,
and she's already part Yui, does that mean Shinji is hitting on
both his parents?
Crow: Sheesh, does it matter? So far, all the characters are just
notches in everyone else's bedposts...


>2240 hours. "Requiem" echoed throughout the apartment building.
>'Mozart,' Rei noted.


Crow: Guess this is crossed over with Super Taboo as well then.
Mike: Now playing the part of Ayanami Rei, Tom Swiftie!
Joel: It was 200 years after the bubblegum crisis, no one was
prepared for the... BOOMER HOLOCAUST.
Mike: <Band> Thank you, thank you. And for our next number we'd
like to play 'Fly Me to the Moon!'


>'A man who, despite the hardships and disappointments he faced, remained
>cheerful and vigorous. A man whom Ikari-kun admires.'


Crow: Must be talking about Leroy Mozart here.
Tom: Actually, I would think that Shinji would identify more with
Beethoven...
Mike: Or Kenny G.


>When Shinji was sleepless, he would play his piano to exorcise his
>nightmares. When the music ended, Rei knocked on her neighbor's door.
>"Ikari-kun," she called.


Tom: <Rei> Turn that crap off! I'm trying to sleep!
Crow: When the lights went out in Georgia, Shinji cried himself to sleep.
Joel: Shinji and Rei in Sleepless in Tokyo-3!
Mike: <Shinji> Man, I had this terrible dream where I was a spineless wimp
that did nothing but whine and... AHHHHHHHH!!!


>The door opened. "Rei, baby," Shinji greeted. "Sorry, am I bothering you?"


Tom: <Rei> Ga ga. Goo goo.
Crow: <Rei> No, grabbing my breasts would be bothering me, right
now, you're more of a mild irritation.
Joel: What's with Shinji and this "baby" fixation? Did he vapor-lock
back to the Seventies?


>"Negative. May I listen to you play?"
>Shinji smiled. "Sure!" He stepped aside to let Rei enter his apartment


Mike: <Shinji> For my first tune... <singing> Gamera... Gamera...
Gamera is really neat, he is made of turtle meat, we all love you Ga-mer-A!
Tom: <Rei> What shall we play first? Candyland or Twister?


>A sleeping bag laid beside a grand piano. Military history textbooks,
>small arms manuals, and swordsman-vigilante comics laid upon a low
>bookshelf.
>"What would you like to hear?" he asked.


Crow: <Rei> You know Honky Tonk by chance?
Tom: <Rei> Your pitiful whimpering as I slam the piano closed on your
hands. Ready?


>"The Magic Flute." Rei wanted Shinji to express happiness.


Tom: <Shinji> But I do not have a flute. I have a piano.
Joel: So he can somehow fit a grand piano into his apartment,
but not so much as a futon?
Mike: <Rei> Emote, dammit! Just because I don't doesn't mean you
have an excuse!


>As the music began, Rei sat beside Shinji. 'So warm...' For one moment,
>she was free of her loneliness.


Tom: But when Shinji finally stopped burning, she was alone with his
cold ashes.
Joel: <Shinji, singing> You must remember this... a kiss is just a kiss...
Crow <Rei> Don't play it again, Shinji.


>0000 hours. "Mama, noooo!" Asuka screamed. Major Katsuragi Misato
>entered Asuka's bedroom. The girl tossed and turned in bed. "Don't leave me!"


Joel: That's a good point. Where HAS Misato been during all this nonsense?
Crow: She got out while the getting was good earlier.
Mike: Guess the bar's closed now though.


>Misato embraced the girl. "I'm here, Asuka."


Joel: So Misato is Asuka's mom in this fic?!?! Ahh again!!
Tom: <Misato> Jusht shlightly drunk... mind my shlobberin'?


>Asuka returned the embrace. "Mama..." Then her eyes opened. "Misato!
>Sorry, did I awaken you?" Ashamed by her own vulnerability, Asuka
>pushed away her guardian.


Crow: <Misato> No, no... Just copping a feel while you're asleep.
Mike: <Misato> No, but you really should stop making the moves on
your father Kaji like your friend Chibi-usa.


>Misato sadly smiled. "That's okay. Do you want a cup of warm milk?"


Joel: Asuka turned green and threw up in her trash bin when Misato started
taking off her shirt.
Mike: <Asuka> No thanks.
Crow: <Misato> How about some warm cocoa?
Mike: <Asuka> No, really, I'm OK!
Crow: <Misato> Would you settle for some warm sake?
Mike: <Asuka> Now you're talking!


>"No, thanks." 'Please leave,' she didn't say.
>Misato sensed Asuka's shame. "Goodnight, Asuka-chan." She left the room.


Tom: Kensuke left with her, as he hadn't been introduced but was
hanging around anyway...
Mike: Along with the entire township of Biteme, Michigan who
were there for a convention.
Crow: <Asuka> I have shamed the fanfic. Kill me now so I can shame
no longer.


>"No, thanks." 'Please leave,' she didn't say.
>Misato sensed Asuka's shame. "Goodnight, Asuka-chan." She left the room.


Joel: So nice, she left it twice!
Tom: It's like deja vu all over again.


>1150 hours, Thursday. Toji closed his locker door to conceal the "Playboy"
>centerfold. "Shinji-kun, do you have any experience with... women?" he asked.


Mike: You might as well ask Happosai if he enjoys ladies' underwear!
Joel: <Shinji> What do you need women for when you have me?
Tom: <Toji> To cook and clean up after us.
Crow: <Shinji> Yeah, they talk to me and slap me about all the
time. Two cents of free advice, call 'em "baby". I learned it
from my best bud D.J.
Mike: <Toji> But I meant real women, not the rubber ones!


>Shinji pulled back his .45 automatic's slide, examining the bullet in the
>breech. He set the gun's manual safety, then holstered it.


Tom: Then shot himself in the foot, again. Because he was a 14
year old who could never hope to have gun permit in Japan!
Mike: <Shinji> I missed ya, baby... now stand still!
Joel: <Shinji> Excuse me a moment while I show the readers just
how much I reek of awesomeness.


>"If you plan to flirt with a topless bar waitress, I can tell you what to do.
>But you're not flirting with a topless bar waitress, you're courting
>the class representative. I've never been in your position."


Crow: God, Shinji is just so cool, I think I may be sick.
Tom: <Toji> Well screw Hikari, tell me how to pick up a topless bar
waitress!
Mike: Why do I get the feeling that Shinji's written some internet spam on
that particular subject?
Crow: <Shinji> All those years I spent in Amsterdam, my misspent
youth from six to eight... came in handy, eh?


>"You were in a topless bar!?" Kensuke asked.


Tom: <Shinji> No, I'm deliberately wasting your time...
Joel: <Shinji> Was I ever! It even rained and my clothes got soaked and
EVERYTHING!


>"In Hong Kong." Shinji turned towards Toji.
>"I can't tell you what to do. You must find your own way to
>express your feelings."


Joel: <Toji> But we're not in Hong Kong!


>Shinji put on his trench coat to conceal his weapons, then walked away.


Tom: Shinji's in the trench coat mafia!
Crow: Or would that be the Trench Coat Yakuza?
Mike: No wonder it was topless. Shirts are a pain when you're _underwater_!


>Wait, how do you flirt with a topless bar waitress!?" Kensuke asked.
>"Give her a big tip," Shinji answered. "Money buys many friends."


Tom: <Shinji> I learned all I know from Ted DiBiase!
Mike: <Kensuke> Uh, hi, say lady, umm, a friend of mine told me
you'd go out with him if I gave you a big tip... well, this magic
marker is all I could find... it's real felt, you know....
Crow: Kensuke AS Jigglypuff!


>1600 hours. Toji approached Hikari. "Hikari-san, I would
>be honored if you would join me at dinner tomorrow night."


Joel: <Toji> I have these neato McDonalds Gift Certificates I want to use, so...
Crow: <Hikari> But I'm going to be eating Asuka... I mean, eating with Asuka.


>"Toji-kun..." Hikari blushed. "I'm flattered, but... I'm attracted to someone
else."


Mike: <Toji> So if I bought a really big magnet, then would you go with me?
Tom: <Hikari> You just don't get it do you, I'm g-a-y.
Mike: <Toji> I'm happy too!
Tom: <Hikari> Ahh...
Joel: So, ah... are there any Angels or anything to fight? Or are we just
hanging around a set of a soap opera?
Tom: <imitates cheesy organ music>
Crow: Welcome to another episode of Veterinarian's Hospital... the continuing
storrrrrrry of a fanfic that's gone to the dogs.


>The boy clenched his fist. "May I ask who it is?" 'So I can rearrange his
>face,' Toji didn't say.


Joel: <Toji> I want to put his nose on his chin, his mouth between his eyes
and his ears on his cheeks! It'll be just like my Mr. Potato Head!


>"Hey, Pervert!" Asuka barked. "Leave her alone!" She turned towards her
friend.


Tom: <Hikari> And for my next trick I'll pull Asuka out of my hat!


>"Hikari-chan, do you want to go shopping? There's this dress I want to try on."


Mike: <Asuka> Which dress?
Crow: <Hikari> The one you're wearing right now.
Mike: <Asuka> But then I'll need another dress.
Crow: <Hikari> No you won't.
Tom: 'Sides, shouldn't these two be looking for plaid flannel shirts with
Haruka and Michiru?
Joel: ...for that matter, has anyone else noticed that the two most
APPLICABLE members of the SM cast are conspicuously absent?
Crow: They're too busy going at it like rabbits.


>Hikari smiled. "Sure."
>"Hey, Wonder Girl!" Asuka called to Rei. "Want to go shopping?"


Mike: <Rei> Shhhh! You'll blow my civilian identity cover!
Crow: That's how Rei suddenly appears in every scene. She can fly!
Tom: <Rei> Actually I'm Rei Clone #102...Rei Clone 51 was in
the last scene, and Rei Clone 79 will be in the next one...


>Rei stopped. "Negative. My wardrobe is sufficient."


Tom: <Rei> It contains satisfactory fabrics and designs.
Mike: <Rei> This senshi's outfit with matching red heels and
tiara will suit me just fine.


>"Your fashion sense is insufficient." Asuka pointed at Rei's uniform.
>"Hikari-chan, we should teach her how to dress, shouldn't we?"
>"Yes," Hikari reluctantly answered.


Crow: <Hikari> How was that?
Mike: <Director VO> Uhh, that wasn't bad, but try it again, this time
with feeeeling!
Joel: Umm, don't they all _have_ to wear uniforms at school?



>"Come on!" Asuka took Rei's hand and dragged her out the classroom door.
>Hikari followed them. Rei looked into Shinji's eyes, silently seeking help.


Crow: <Rei> I'm desperate and I need Susan NOW.


>Shinji smiled, then waved goodbye. 'Rei needs a friend,' he thought,
>watching the girls leave.


Tom: <Shinji> I prescribe me, Dr. Chad Feelgood!
Mike: Wonder if Rei has a hiatus hernia.


>Beside the door, a gunman called for backup. A second gunman was
>flirting with a female teacher, and ignored his radio's call. Shinji
>identified the gunmen as the Eva pilots' bodyguards.


Tom: ...and I guess the gunmen missed their cue! Can we ever be
INTRODUCED to a character? Please?
Crow: Also, why are they called gunmen? Can this story at least
TRY not to make things needlessly confusing?
Joel: <Shinji> Hey! You guys are supposed to be guarding the
grassy knoll by the book depository!
Mike: <Dr. Frink> Back... and to the left. Back... and to the left.


>"Don't be upset, Toji-kun," Kensuke said, holding a pornographic DVD.
>"This will make you smile." Toji sighed. "Shinji, do you want to watch
>'Lesbians' Dildo Duels' with us?"


Tom: And there went the gunmen! Bye-bye two lines of our life! You never
meant much anyway!
Joel: <Toji> I don't know, do I?
Crow: <author> Yes! Yes, you do!
Joel: <Toji, shrugging> Guess so.


>"No," Shinji answered, climbing out a window. "I have keep an eye on Rei."
>"Wow!" Kensuke dropped the DVD. "You get to watch Rei do..."


Mike: ...the Macarena?
Joel: Tai Chi?
Tom: The Urkel?
Crow: Tokyo-3?


>Shinji didn't hear Kensuke. When his feet touched the ground, Shinji
>searched for the other guards.


Tom: For what bleepin' reason? To drag them to the nearest topless bar?
Mike: Shinji needs some quality male bonding time!


>Through the clock tower's windows, a sniper and his spotter stared at
>the east gate, Rei's preferred gate. The girls were approaching the west
>gate. 'Idiots,' Shinji thought, following the girls.


Crow: <Shinji> I am the gatekeeper! Let my key fit your locks!
Tom: So, ah... Quasimodo here is working on SOMEONE'S instructions
to kill the lesbians? It must be Mr. Horaki!
Crow: If he can't have his daughter, no one can!

****

The screen went fuzzy for a few seconds before the film stopped as a garbled
sound came from the speakers. "What's wrong Frank? You didn't put the
film in wrong again, did you?"

"Err, it looks like we're having projector problems Dr. F" Frank exclaimed as
he poked at the projector.

"Well fix it, we're just getting to the good parts!" Dr. Forrester
snapped impatiently.

"It may take awhile," Frank said as took the cover off, "In fact I'd
say this problem would take one or two minutes to fix, tops."

"Well hurry it up, the audience is getting restless."

"No we're not," one member said as he stood up, "Some of us are taking
this time to use the washroom."

"Yeah!" Exclaimed another member, "You can't expect us to sit straight
through a 156K text file. We're going to get some snacks!"

"I'm just going to sit here and think of some products I'd like to buy
while I fix this," Frank added in. "Oh, that'd be nice. I could use that too.
And oh yes, I'm definitely interested in long distance savings. Very
interested..."

Dr. Forrester just shrugged his shoulders, "Very well...I guess will
return to this MST after a few short messages."

Part Two

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