Richard Beaubien Presents.... A Dot Every T Production.... "RELATIONSHIPS" PT. 2 (A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover) MSTed by: Ammadeau Kaworu Lerche Megane 6.7 Richard Beaubien SKJAM Zoogz Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax and all the distributors of their work. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of her work. This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. "Relationships" was written by Sidewinder and is used with his permission and our gratitude. **** "And that's how I lead the Mad Scientist team to a gold medal in Crocodile Feeding," Dr. Forrester explained to one of the con guests. "It was really quite simple, we just stuck a foot in its mouth and..." "Hey, Dr. F!" Frank interrupted, "I got the projector working again!" "Excellent, we'll be able to resume the lecture now." Dr. Forrester exclaimed happily, despite the groans of the gathered crowd. "Good work, Frank." "Thanks, Dr. F. And I also signed us up for a new long distance plan over the computer." Frank explained as he started the projector. "Did you know we can save over 90% if we use an overseas company?" "Frank, you're an idiot," Dr. Forrester said plainly, "Just start the film again!" "Okay, okay! Sorry for trying to save us a little money...." [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] >1615 hours. "God, it's hot!" Asuka saw an ice-cream stand. Joel: Asuka must be hallucinating from the heat if she sees ice cream standing. >"Hikari-chan, would you like some ice-cream?" Crow: Only if I can lick it off you, Asuka-chan. >"No, thanks," Hikari answered. "Too many calories." >"Don't worry about your figure, it's perfect," Asuka assured. Hikari >blushed. Asuka bought three chocolate bars, put one in her mouth, then >handed the others to Hikari and Rei. Mike: Hikari and Rei, acting upon some unseen signal, shoved the other two bars in Asuka's mouth. Crow: ... but they were at an ice-cream stand. Stick to one thing, story! >"Thank you," Hikari said. >"No, thank you. It is not essential to my nutrition..." Rei began. Joel: But it's part of the Chocotastic food group! Tom: If it doesn't have a card in my Deal-A-Meal I ain't chewin' it. >Asuka removed the bar in her mouth. "Don't tell me you're on a diet!" >She held the other bar an inch from Rei's nose. "Eat! You look like a >skeleton!" Rei blinked her surprise. Mike: I HAVE skin, thankyewverymuch! >"My, my, my. What do we have here?" Five youths approached the girls. >"The pretty soldiers who saved Tokyo-3." Tom: ...and the Sailor Senshi make yet another incomprehensible appearance! Crow: Once and for all, Rei... are you one of us, or one of *them*? >"Get lost!" Asuka barked. >"Ouch! Rejection!" "Temper, temper!" "Looks like she's ready to play!" >the youths joked. Mike: Who says what? What are these youths like? Male? Female? Young? Old? Zombie rejects? Tom: Thank your lucky stars they were at least INTRODUCED. >"Hey," the leader called. "Me and my friends are going to a party." He >pointed at Asuka. "You're invited." Crow: OK, but no singing Happy Birthday or I may go postal! Mike: He's the leader of the nondescript pack. Tom: Vroom. >"Don't be shy!" A leering youth approached Rei. "Admit it, you want it." >He lunged. Rei grabbed the youth's hand, then threw him against the sidewalk. Joel: I know kung fu, jujitsu, and many other scary words! Hya! >"Bitch!" the youth screamed, clutching his dislocated shoulder. >The others drew their switchblades. Mike: They got Wally! Come on, girls! Crow: The Kids in the Hall, in a cameo you NEVER thought you'd EVER see unless you went BLIND STINKING DRUNK. Tom: So where are their gunmen/guards during all this anyway? Tuning their scopes? Pulling the bell-cord? >"Now you've done it," the leader snarled. Shocked, the ice-cream vendor fled. Joel: His ice cream stand had been thrown into the harbor once too often... Tom: You've reeeeeeeeeally done it! >Asuka stepped in front of Hikari, shielding her. "Stay behind me," Asuka >whispered. A youth lunged. Asuka wiped the chocolate bar on the youth's >eyes, blinding him. Crow: Cause we all know a creamy nougat is a lethal weapon Tom: But how did they get the creamy filling inside the Caramilk bar?!? >As the youth clawed at his eyes, the leader lunged. >Asuka parried the blow, then kicked his groin. Clang. Mike: Glad I grabbed my lead-lined jockstrap tonight! Crow: No, he's in reality Iron Eunuch! >The leader dropped his knife, then cradled his genitals. He couldn't block >Asuka's uppercut. Asuka ran towards Rei, who was fighting two youths. Crow: Now, the two utes... Joel: Two what? Crow: Huh? Joel: Did you say 'utes'? Crow: Oh, I'm sorry... YOU-THS... >"Stop!" Asuka and Rei turned towards the voice. The chocolate-faced >youth held his blade at Hikari's throat. "Or I'll cut off her pretty face!" Crow: ...and wear it as a mask! Lah-dee-dah, I'm a lesbian! Rei, go out with me! Mike: Y'know, chocolate-faced youth simply does NOT work in a fight scene. Tom: So she just stood there and let chocolate puss do this? I don't want to say this is lame, but I can't think of another way to finish that sentence. >"Let her go, or I'll..." Asuka began. >"Or you'll what?" the youth interrupted. "What are you going to..." Mike: I guess... I'll just... have to... Crow: Stop! Stop right there! There'll be no singing in this fanfic! >Bang! The bullet penetrated the youth's leather jacket, his shoulder blade, >and his right lung. Joel: And right through Hikari who he was holding so closely. Nice shooting, Tex. Crow: Hoo-ha! I killed the hostage! Tom: Who do you think you are? Keanu Reeves? >Clang. The youth dropped his knife, then collapsed on his hostage's back. >Hikari gasped as blood seeped through her uniform, coating her skin. Crow: Oh yuck! Ick! This is so gross and... hey, this is doing wonders for my complexion! Tom: Then Hikari snapped... she found that not only did she like the sight of blood, she loved the taste of it... loved the red heat, and could feel it course through her veins... Mike: Maybe Hikari will turn out to be Sailor Moon and the fic will suddenly make sense? >"Take cover!" Asuka instinctively pushed Rei onto the ground, out of >the line of fire. Hikari's assailant stopped breathing when Shinji's shadow >cloaked him. Joel: I AM THE TERROR THAT PROPOSITIONS IN THE NIGHT! Mike: I AM THE PRICETAG ON THE BACK OF YOUR NEW SWEATSHIRT! Both: I AM DARKWING DUCK! >The laser sights' beams touched Asuka's and Rei's assailants. Bang, bang! Crow: On the door, baby! Mike: ...bang went the trolley! Clang clang clang went the bell... Tom: What description. It's almost as if you can see the bullets being fired Joel: Not to mention that laser sights would be _useless_ in the middle of the day! >"You monster!" The leader stood up. Bang! He fell, clutching his >shattered knee. Tom: WHY ME?! WHY ME?!? >Rei stood up, staring at the crippled youth. "He was unarmed." >"He was a threat," Shinji snarled. Mike: He can sue us! Crow: He took up fic time that should have gone to me! The star of this fic! >"Are you okay?" Asuka asked. Hikari stared at the blood, then cried >on Asuka's shoulder. "You psycho! You could have hit Hikari!" >Asuka accused. Joel: The youth is dangerous. I can sense it, why can't you? Tom: Actually, there's no way he could have missed her. She should be dead right now if logic actually applied to this fic. >"Impossible." Shinji set the guns' manual safety, then holstered them. >"My aim was perfect." Crow: Oh, let the baby have his thrill kill! Tom: Just like Uncle Ryo taught me. Now who wants to give me some Mokkori! Joel: But I'm not the Kid anymore. I can't even hold a gun! See? Mike: Wow, steady as a rock! Joel: Yeah, but I shoot with THIS hand! >"Police!" Two police officers approached them, followed by the ice-cream >vendor. Shinji showed them his ID. "Self-defense." Joel: Yep, he checks out, he's on the self-defense force. Now, about causing property damage to three-fourths of Tokyo... Mike: Hey, I call foul! Since when do police arrive at the scene of a crime three seconds after it occurred? Tom: Now you can tell this is a work of fiction. Crow: My name's Self-defense. I'm a vigilante with a mission. A mission that's dark and dangerous, a mission filled with loneliness that can only be filled by a hot dame or a cold drink.... >An officer frowned. "Please come with us," he ordered. "You are to >make a statement." >"Langley, can you handle this?" Shinji asked. Mike: Who the hell are you? Joel: I'm Langley The Lackey. Pleasure to be working with you. Tom: A-ahem. The sky is blue. Thank you, I'll be here all week. Mike: The police don't even bother taking the smoking gun away from him? >"Go to hell!" Asuka barked. She turned towards the officers. "I'll make a >statement." She helped Hikari stand up. "Is there a doctor at the station?" Tom: Excuse me miss, but that's an interrogative question. Joel: The Doctor in this fanfic will be played by Dr. Nick Riviera Crow: Wow, you need booze! >"Yes. Your friend will be all right," the officer answered. His partner >performed cardiopulmonary resuscitation on Hikari's assailant. Tom: He graduated from the Gorilla Monsoon School of Medicine! Mike: In with the good air, out with the bad air. Thataway! Just forget that we might be killing you for your crimes a couple weeks from now, we want you ALIVE! >"Rei, baby, would you like an escort home?" Shinji held out his hand. >'Can I trust him?' Rei asked herself. "Yes." She took his hand. Tom: Can I trust a homicidal maniac with gay tendencies, one arm, and an aura of smooth? Crow: Hey, if you can't, who CAN you trust? >"Hey, you..." The officer put his hand on Shinji's shoulder. Shinji looked >into the officer's eyes, silently threatening. As the pilot left, the officer >shuddered. 'Monster...' Mike: Good? Bad? I'm the one with the shotgun... Joel: The way he ate those cookies... those googly eyes... >1720 hours. Hikari stood in the shower stall, watching the blood flow >down the drain. 'I'm afraid,' she noted. Joel: Last time I let Hitchcock talk me into a starring role. Mike: Look Hikari, if you can't give us what we need, we'll just get your understudy here! Tom and Crow: You called? >'Death nearly separated me from the one I love... before I could express >my love. But does Asuka love me?' Hikari sighed. Joel: What's love got to do... got to do with it.... Crow: Eh, love's just a second hand emotion. >She knew very little about Asuka. In fact, she didn't know if Asuka >had a family. Mike: Eh, you don' ask questions 'bout da Family, if yuh knowhaddamean, capiche? Tom: Ooh, I love women of mystery.... >'Does she love Shinji?' Hikari remembered Asuka's conflict with Shinji. >'Does she fear Shinji? Does she fear her feelings towards Shinji?' Crow: Hey! Other people want this shower before the WATER GETS COLD!! >She remembered the warmth of Asuka's embrace. 'If I express my >feelings for her, will she accept me? Or...' Mike: Will she spit on my headless corpse with a smile and a bloody butter knife? >Hikari clenched her fist. 'I must risk this. I can't rest until I express >my true feelings.' She wrapped a towel around her body, then left the >bathroom. Tom: Unfortunately she grabbed the hand towel by mistake. Joel: Outside, the line was already formed and the lots were drawn to see who would use it next... many enemies were made that afternoon... >1730 hours. Crow: Synchronize Swatches! Joel: Who needs setting and plot when we have the correct time? Tom: Yes, but local or Greenwich time? >"Are you hurt?" Major Katsuragi asked. Mike: Just don't be so rough next time! Crow: If not, can I hurt you... please? Mike: No. Crow: *SLAP* How about now? >"No," Asuka answered. "But Psycho... Pilot Ikari's actions placed myself >and Ms. Horaki in danger. I recommend that he be removed from active >duty..." Tom: And placed on hazardous duty. Crow: Well, YOU tell him! I'm not going anywhere near Shinji for the next week after what I heard! Joel: Oh, good idea, let's put the fear of God into the reserve units... >"Your recommendations are noted." 'And rejected,' Misato didn't say. Mike: I'll just ship him back to Hong Kong and let him drown this time. That should take care of him. Crow: Hey, this is fun! I can think whatever I want and no one can hear me! Hey Hikari, I want to sleep with you right now! Heh heh heh, she doesn't suspect a thing.... >Asuka sensed Misato's rejection. "But he's insane!" she screamed >into the phone. Joel: Asuka the mystic, she can sense your love life for only $9.99 a minute. Tom: And what's more... OUR PRICES ARE INSANE TOO! >Misato sighed. "We can't afford to remove Pilot Ikari from active duty. Tom: As it is, our budget can barely cover our dry cleaning. You have ANY idea how hard it is to clean chocolate off these suits? Crow: Even though we did so in the original series, which the author obviously hasn't seen. >He has no replacement." >"But..." Asuka stopped. Her guardian was right. Asuka herself couldn't >match Shinji's combat ability. "I understand." Crow: All that underwater exercise in Hong Kong made Shinji perfect for dipping in LCL! Mike: I thought you needed my skills, but you just want me for my body?!? >"I'm sorry," Misato added. "I'm trapped at headquarters. >Paperwork. Have dinner without me." Tom: That's an ORDER, Paperwork! Joel: But I slaved over a hot stove for you all day, you jerk! Crow: When the piles of "to do" fell over and blocked the door, I knew it was time to start catching up. >"Okay. Goodbye." >"See you later." Misato hung up. Mike: Another day, another wasted dime for the Friends and Family plan... Crow: Now then, what the hell have you blathering on about while I was on the phone? >Asuka stood before the kitchen sink, washing the blood off of Hikari's >clothes. "Damn Psycho Gunner!" Tom: Well, use a different brand of detergent, then. Joel: Oh well, as least he isn't as messy as that Guyver Gunner we were training a while back.... >Click. The bathroom door opened. "I'm sorry, Hikari-chan. >This stain refuses to come out!" She sighed. Crow: Now you get over here and do the laundry, you dumbkopf! Mike: Well, can you speed it up, Lady Macbeth? I've got a date tonight! >"My room is down the hallway, to your right. Just borrow one of my >spare uniforms." >Hikari was silent. Joel: ...but deadly. Mike: Must practice Ninja skills... Tom: How can I tell her her uniform tops are too tight in the chest for me? >"Hikari-chan, are you okay?" Asuka sensed her friend's insecurity. >"Don't be afraid, that punk won't be able to hurt you." Crow: The thug and goons, on the other hand.... Joel: But... Shinji is still out there! Mike: After all, punk as a musical movement has been over for years. >"I'm not afraid of him," Hikari answered. "I..." She prepared herself >for Asuka's reaction. "Asuka, I love you. I'm sorry, you..." Tom: ...have this piece of spinach between your teeth, mind if I dislodge it with my tongue? Joel: What does that have to do with you not being afraid of him? Mike: Is everyone clueless in this fic!? Crow: I wonder if that will turn Asuka into a sour kraut. Joel, Tom and Mike: Arrgh... >"Don't be. I love you, too." Then Asuka kissed her. Hikari's eyes widened, >then closed as she returned the kiss. "You don't have to be afraid," Asuka >assured. The towel fell onto the floor. Joel: So all that anguish and torment for a two second resolution? Crow: Who cares? LET THE LEMON BEGIN! >'Don't have to be afraid...' For one moment, Hikari was free of her fears. Tom: Heh heh, that "Hypnotization for Dummies" book works wonders... Mike: Asuka prepared for a new career in the faith healing gig. >1800 hours. Joel: ABC's latest news program. Tom: ... so 6 o'clock then. Make sure to write all the times down. There's a quiz at the end of the fic! Mike: At least this fic has a nice solid timeline. Hell, it IS a timeline. >Major Katsuragi accessed the Tokyo-3 Police Department's database. >A second computer monitor showed the Eva pilots' psychological profiles. Joel: Geez, these guys should ALL be in a strait-jacket! Tom: Cops in Tokyo-3! Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Mike: Misato: Gee, I wonder if I should tell Asuka about Hikari's 1500 prostitution arrests? Crow: Wow, it's too bad Nene went to the AD police, it sounds like the Tokyo-3 department desperately needs her services... >Asuka's psychiatrist judged the girl to be a bisexual, but Misato doubted >this judgment. Tom: Definitely lezbo all the way. Mike: The computer told me she was gay, and the computer is never wrong! Joel: The only thing flaming about that girl is her red hair! Trust me, I'm much more accurate than any stupid psychiatrist! Mike: Now Asuka... are you bisexual? Crow: Yes, but that costs extra. >Shinji's psychiatrist judged the boy to be in excellent health, but Shinji >took two years of psychology classes. Mike: And is therefore able to think rings around any trained professional. Tom: I graduated from Hollywood Medical, just like Dr. Nick did! Joel: And the "doctor" wasn't tipped off by Shinji carrying in a Smith and Wesson and laughing maniacally? Crow: Hahaha! What kind of dime store doctor are they using at NERV anyway? >He knew how to perform a psychological evaluation, and how to manipulate >the results. Tom: Shinji even prescribed his own drugs to keep that pesky "D.J. Croft" personality at bay. Crow: Hey, I listen to The Fraiser Crane Show daily, I've heard it all.... Mike: Now tell me Shinji, did you have deep rooted trauma involving your mother? Crow: Well... >A third monitor showed images from a spy satellite. Shinji aimed his >handguns. Red lines traced the bullets' trajectories. Mike: I always thought spy satellites were meant to... well SPY... on OTHER countries. Joel: Red bullet lines? Do they think I'm a Marx-man? >'Such rage,' Misato noted. 'Can he control this rage?' Crow: Rage, Rage against the dying of the plot. Mike: Because everyone who fires a gun must be filled with rage. Tom: And if he can, can he turn it into sexual energy? >NERV couldn't defeat the Angels without the Evas, but NERV couldn't >afford to maintain the Evas without the UN member nations' funds. Joel: Two words. Bake. Sale. Tom: And Jesse Helms is still blocking the US paying up its back dues, even in 2014. Crow: ...even though they're funded by SEELE. >These nations might stop funding the Evangelion Project if they thought >the pilots were mentally unstable. Mike: Or they could pay up faster. Tom: Pay us now or Shinji visits your capitals! >Misato stared at Shinji's photo. 'Can the media see him as a hero?' She >accessed a report on Shinji's recent behavior. 'Yes.' >Misato picked up her phone. Joel: We just need to put him in a costume with a skull on the chest, and provide a couple of drug dealers to whack. >0000 hours. Asuka slept beside Hikari, whose embrace had exorcised >her nightmares. Tom: The fic has finally run out of hours. Crow: On the other hand, the "idea" tank has been dry for days. Mike: My embrace was blessed by the Pope himself! >1150 hours, Friday. Joel: TGIF! Crow: What, is this production on the half-day weekends schedule? Mike: Shinji was found dead in his apartment. Rei-4 vouched that Rei-3 was with her the entire night in question. >"Hikari's in love with... who?" Kensuke asked. >"I don't know. Maybe it's Shinji," Toji answered. Tom: Toji really is thick, isn't he? Joel: No, it's Dr. Who. Chicks go wild for the smooth feel of a tardis! >"Maybe it's Asuka," Kensuke joked. "Maybe she'll let us watch when she..." >Toji slapped him with a pornographic magazine. "Pervert! I've had >enough of your lesbian fantasies!" Crow: Kensuke equals pot and Toji equals kettle, eh? Joel: All right, who replaced Toji with a conservative? Tom: Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to my issue of 'Gigantic Asses'. >Kensuke readjusted his glasses. "Don't you have lesbian fantasies? >Don't you want to..." Mike: Dress like a woman and do me? >"I'm serious!" Toji sighed. "When I see Hikari, I don't see a sex slave. >I see a wife, a mother, and a homemaker." Crow: In other words, just A slave. Tom: Barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. That's how a woman should be. Joel: A butcher, a baker, a candlestick maker! >"Does Hikari see you as a husband, a father, and a breadwinner?" Shinji >asked, opening his locker door. Mike: Nah, she sees me as a sex object, same as always. Tom: Uhh... Cue Shinji, I guess... Doesn't this fanfic ever introduce ANYONE?! Please, just once? Crow: By the bye, are these school lockers or work lockers? Joel: I think they're foot lockers, Shinji needs a steady supply for his mouth. >"I don't know. I..." Toji looked into Shinji's eyes, silently seeking help. >"Prove that you can be a husband, a father, and a breadwinner. Prove that >you're trustworthy," Shinji advised. Crow: Then dump her ass for a topless dancer. You'll be glad you did! Joel: So the best advice Shinji can give is to have Toji knock up another girl to prove his ability to father children? Mike: I'm only 14, how can I do that? Tom: Oh yeah, so am I. All those years underwater have messed me up. >"Shinji-kun, what do women see you as?" Kensuke asked. "A stud? A >sex machine?" Joel: Both those and then some! Tom: No, a threat. Mike: A sex machine. Insert a quarter to get some hot loving! >Shinji chuckled. "They see me as myself." He closed the door, then >walked away. Joel: Oh, well, that makes sen... huh?!? Crow: Okay, that establishes he's outside the locker now. >"He's so cool, he's Mr. Cool," Kensuke said. "Women love Mr. Cool. >I want to be Mr. Cool." >'Does Hikari?' Toji asked himself. Tom: No, *I* do! Pay attention! Crow: I want to change my name to Joe and hang out outside the dorm on a Sunday afternoon! Mike: Snoopy should run in and beat the peanuts out of Shinji for stealing his name. >"Asuka-chan, last night..." Hikari blushed. >Asuka put her finger on Hikari's lips. "You don't have to be embarrassed." >Her finger caressed Hikari's face. "I can keep a secret." Joel: Just like the author keeping the scene changes a secret. Tom: But I can't! HEY EVERYBODY....!!! >Hikari sighed. "I... I don't want it to be a secret, but..." Asuka turned away. "I'm sorry..." Mike: Hikari's getting ready to put the "Touch her and DIE!" sign on Asuka's back now. Crow: It's the whispers and snide remarks from the immature that I fear the most! >"It's not your fault." Asuka sighed. "When my mother... left... I swore >to take care of myself. I thought I didn't need anybody, but..." Hikari >embraced her. "Thank you," Asuka whispered. Tom: I see you as a wife, a mother and a homemaker. Joel: Sometimes, a hug speaks louder than words.... >Rei stared at Asuka's face. 'Horaki feels safe in Langley's presence. >Langley feels trusted in Horaki's presence. How does Ikari-kun feel >in my presence?' Mike: She makes me feel kinda funny... like when I used to climb the rope in gym class.... Tom: Why the heck is Rei in Asuka's bedroom? >1600 hours. "Ikari-kun, what is the basis of a relationship?" Rei asked. Crow: Oh no! The fanfic's doing callbacks! Joel: Regret, resolve, repeat. Regret, resolve, repeat. >"That depends," Shinji said. "What kind of relationship are you talking about?" >"Husband-wife." Mike: So, ah... didn't we cover this already, and when did Rei become a cheap knock-off of Data? Tom: Sheesh, they'll be calling Shinji the love doctor if this keeps up! Crow: Love is a new 30-ought-6, baby. >Shinji chuckled. "Sex." Rei blinked her surprise. "After sex, pregnancy," >Shinji added. Crow: After pregnancy, running away... and after running away, finding another stripper! Joel: Is Rei REALLY surprised that Shinji said that at this point? Mike: Make your womb ALL THAT IT CAN BE! >"After pregnancy, parenthood. And the payment of endless bills. After >the child reaches adulthood... I don't know... we dance the waltz as our >hair becomes white?" Joel: Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four? Crow: Will you delouse me, around the house me, at sixty-four? Tom: Will you fumigate my bed, with a smile on your head, at sixty-four? Mike: This is about the point the reader really needs to smack Gendo for sending Shinji to Hong Kong. >"Hey, Shinji-kun!" Toji called. >"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Shinji put his hand on Rei's shoulder. >"See you tomorrow, Rei." Crow: I've only got 10 years left at my sexual peak! Oh god, I've wasted another minute! Quick, have sex with me twice before I fall behind! Tom: And another day of "The Miseducation of Ayanami Rei" comes to an end. >"See you." After Shinji left, Rei sighed. 'Tomorrow. What will tomorrow bring?' Joel: Padding, and lots of it. Mike: Now playing the part of Annie, Rei Ayanami! Tom: Will you stop?!? >1615 hours. A reporter and a cameraman barricaded the hospital entrance. >"What are they doing here?" Toji asked. Joel: Umm, just a guess but they look to be barricading... Crow: Day 5 coverage of 'Readers Held Hostage.' >Shinji frowned. "Ignore them." They paid the taxi driver, then >approached the hospital. Mike: We'll go in through the window, guns blazing. Tom: Calling Dr. Howard... Dr. Fine... Dr. Howard.... >"There he is!" "Pilot Ikari, may we have a word with you!?" The reporter >approached Shinji. >"Shinji-kun..." Toji began. >"Go on," Shinji ordered. Crow: It shouldn't take me too long to hide the bodies. Mike: You vultures! Where were you when I sang at Farm Aid?!? Out my way, you parasites!! *POW!* >'So cold,' Toji noted. 'Sometimes, he's warm and caring. Sometimes, he's >cold and cruel. Which one's the real Shinji? The hero? The monster?' Joel: The real Shinji is... not appearing in this fic. >"I'll be with you shortly," Shinji added. He watched Toji dodge the >reporter, then reached into his coat. Screw, screw, screw... Tom: Whoa! Shinji, not in public! Please! Joel: Somebody get that man a Phillips, pronto! Mike: And make mine a Phillips... Milk of Magnesia. Urp... >"Pilot Ikari..." Puff, crack! The bullet shattered the zoom lens. "Gun!" >Clang! The cameraman dropped the camera as he fled. Crow: Man, what's with the sudden explosion of drug use and masturbating all of a sudden? Joel: Damn smoochers! Get off my land! Mike: And the cops show five minutes later and arrest Shinji for attempted murder... please? >"Please be quiet, we're at a hospital," Shinji whispered. He raised the >silencer to his lips, then hushed. Tom: ...himself with a bullet Crow: He's now talking to his guns... and was given a clean bill o' psychological health. Whoo boy. Joel: Well, that's it. He's as awesomely cool as he's ever going to be right now. >"You idiot!" Major Katsuragi stepped in front of the reporter. "Do you >know what you've done!?" >"I don't know, and I don't care." Shinji walked away. Mike: Screw Jimmy and screw his corn. Tom: Okay, now Shinji just needs a beating for his own good. Joel: Time for the caning... by Unit-02! Crow: Ooooh, this is gonna be SWEET! >1620 hours. "Sis!" Toji embraced Yuki. >"Bro!" Yuki returned the embrace. >"How are you?" Tom: Man, what I wouldn't give for a few snowflakes right now.... Mike: Look, I don't want it... it's yours! Crow: Eww, I don't want a moldy old embrace! You keep it! >"I'm fine! The doctor says I can go home on Monday!" Yuki >answered. "That's great!" >Shinji knocked on the door frame. "May I come in?" Joel: As long as you check your firearms at the door. Tom: Even... Joel: YES, the bandoleer too! >Toji smelled spent gunpowder. "Sure," he reluctantly answered. >Shinji handed a bouquet of yellow roses to Yuki, who smiled. >"What happened?" Toji asked. Tom: Shinji just gave your sister some roses! Pay attention! Mike: I picked these off some woman in the lobby. she won't be needin' em no more. Crow: Yes, here I am again, the fantastic SHINJI, ready to solve all your love problems with my words of macho wisdom! >"I'm not NERV's whore," Shinji snarled. >"What's a whore?" Yuki innocently asked. Tom: In this fic? Practically everybody! Joel: ...and where did THIS come from, pray tell? Mike: You mean I can charge money for it? Hey Toji, pay up! >Shinji looked into the girl's eyes. "A whore is a weakling," he answered. Crow: A lady is anyone who'll sleep with me. Tom: Ah. Two years of Psych classes, and none in vocabulary. >'Both of them are real,' Toji answered himself. 'Can I trust him? A >man who is both a monster and a hero?' Tom: YOU make the call! And now... back to the fanfic! Mike: And THIS was covered earlier too! Damn, this fic's just circling the sewer at this point... Joel: After nearly gunning down a reporter, I'd go with no. >1700 hours. "Good, the chocolate has melted. Now, pour it onto the >strawberries," Asuka ordered. Crow: We interrupt our regular fanfic to bring you Iron Chef with Asuka! Mike: Look, the tarts are making tarts! >As the pilot laid the strawberries onto the cake, Hikari placed the spoon >into the pot and scooped up some melted chocolate. Asuka looked at the >cake, then at the picture in the cook book. >"Good job!" Joel: Sadly, it was a picture of Salvador Dali's watches. Tom: Just when you thought the fic couldn't get more pointless... Are we going to have Kensuke discussing the weather next? >"It looks delicious," Hikari said. >Asuka smiled. "Not as delicious as you." Mike: ...with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Joel: Let's add a spice to this recipe, hmm hmm! Crow: Cue the funky 70's music! Tom: Oh, come on! The chocolate is syrupy enough! >She took the spoon, sensually licked it, then kissed her friend. Hikari >giggled when she tasted the chocolate on Asuka's lips. Crow: Hikari then started nibbling at Asuka's lips... and before long, began chewing. Asuka's screams of pain went unheeded as Hikari needed more and more of the sweet chocolate... Mike: Lay off the Tales From the Crypt, man.... >Horaki Nozomi, Hikari's younger sister, entered the kitchen. "Can I have >some chocolate?" she asked. Hikari blushed. Crow: Ok, I'm starting to enjoy this fic now. Joel: You would.... Tom: Sure kid, just lick it off Asuka's other lips.... >Asuka smiled. "Sure." She scooped up some melted chocolate and >handed the spoon to Nozomi. >"Thank you." 'Asuka's so nice,' Nozomi thought. 'Sis is lucky to have >her as a friend.' Tom: Just then Shinji walked in and they immediately bombarded him with questions about love and romance. Mike: Happiness is a smoking barrel, baby. >"Dr. Akagi, what is the basis of a husband-wife relationship?" Rei asked. >Ritsuko stopped typing revisions for the pilot-interface systems. "Love." Crow: Hey, think Ritsuko could start typing revisions for the PLOT-interface systems next? Tom: Sorry, her mom didn't leave notes on that. >"Ikari-kun said it is sex." >"Sex!?" Ritsuko's eyes widened. 'Firearms, forgery... what else did he >learn at the People's Liberation Army Academy?' Joel: PLA is a lot more liberal than I would have guessed. Crow: Especially their underwater Hong Kong branch. Mike: But... but... he's in the ARMY! What does the ARMY have to do with sex?!? >Rei nodded. "After sex, pregnancy. After pregnancy, >parenthood. And the payment of endless bills. After the child reaches >adulthood, we dance the waltz as our hair becomes white." Tom: Yeah, that's about right. Joel: Will you hose my leather, while I watch the weather, at sixty-four? Crow: Will you trip the light, while I take to flight, at sixty-four? Mike: Okay, guys, okay.... >Ritsuko sighed her relief. "I guess that's love." She looked into Rei's >eyes. "Is that what you want from Shinji? To bear his child, and together, >to watch this child grow up?" Joel: To see it shoot off its mouth and the guns that Shinji gives it for the next thirty years? Tom: Nah, I thought I'd give up the child for adoption and go topless bar hopping with Shinji for the rest of our lives.... >"I do not know. I... I will ask Ikari-kun. I will know the answer." Rei >left Ritsuko's office. >Ritsuko sighed, then resumed typing. Joel: Now then, where was I? Oh yes... I'm holding your son hostage, unless you pay me one million dollars by Sunday, I will.... Crow: Ahh, back to work! "The Major ran her white-hot hands up and down the nubile willing young virgin, eliciting a groan of delight every few seconds..." Heh heh, I love my computer. >1800 hours. "Good night, Asuka-chan." Hikari pecked Asuka's cheek. >"Come and play another day!" Nozomi added. >Asuka smiled. "I will." Mike: Don't forget the skipping rope and jacks! Tom: Geez, Asuka is getting busy with both sisters now. Bet she's gunning for Rei next. >Horaki Kodama, Hikari's older sister, frowned as the pilot left. She >saw the hunger in Asuka's eyes. 'What do you want from my sister? Sex?' >Kodama clenched her fist. 'I don't care if you're a hero. I won't let you >hurt my sister.' Mike: Yeah! About time we have a character that knows right from wrong and is building up some good righteous fury! Joel: I'm eldest. I get to get hurt first! Crow: They were just lip wrestling. Buy a clue, will ya? >1905 hours. "Hey, Mark!" Yu Jiaolong, a waitress at the Little Canton >Restaurant, waved to her coworker. "This psycho looks just like you!" Crow: ...and two completely random characters enter our story. I miss the sailor senshi. Tom: Have I mentioned this fic reminds me of Mighty Jack yet, cause, well... IT DOES! Joel: Harold "Mark" Atari, now working at a greasy-spoon Chinese diner... Mike: Overdrawn at the Memory Bank had better continuity. Hell, it was less of a rip-off too! Crow: I would rather get doppled into NXE at this point. >Shinji turned towards the television, which showed him shooting the camera. >"Are you kidding? I'm much more handsome," he joked, washing the dishes. >"... paranoid schizophrenic," a psychologist diagnosed. "I'm appalled that >the UN would force such a responsibility upon a 14-year-old." Tom: ...the UN is forcing fourteen-year-olds to BECOME schizophrenic?! Joel: Is this the same UN that united to rescue Santa Claus from the Martians? Mike: No wonder the Michigan Militia exists. >"Thank you, Dr. Mizuno." The anchorman turned towards the camera. >"During the Vietnam War, an American officer said, 'In order to save the >village, we had to destroy it.' Will we destroy our humanity..." Crow: Hey, it's our Sailor Moon crossover again! Mike: We missed ya, buddy... you were our only source of IC! Tom: American Military Intelligence... is there any challenge they're NOT up to? >The TV showed Evangelion Unit 01 attack the 5th Angel, whose blood >showered the earth. >"... in order to save it? This is Chiba Mamoru, with Tokyo TV News." Joel: Tux-Boy! Yay! ...wow, did I just SAY that? Crow: Anyone else just marking time wishing Crystal Tokyo would HURRY THE HELL UP?! Mike: Heck, I'm rooting for the Third Impact right about now. >"I don't understand the Japanese." Li Mubai, the restaurant's proprietor, >changed the channel. Joel: ...and she's running a restaurant in Japan? Wow, she's a glutton for punishment. Tom: Oh Lord, please don't say that she's running the Nekohanten... Crow: I'm guessing this author enjoys channel surfing. >"When the aliens attacked, they bankrupt the UN to build a giant robot. >What did this robot do? It demolished the city to crush the alien. Like >burning down a house to kill a rat." Mike: Even though they were built way before the angels attack. Joel: Hey! Don't get down on Giant Robo like that! Crow: Damn you, Voltron! Damn you to hell! >He patted Shinji's back. "Keep up the good work, Mark." Tom: OK, I'll bite. Who the hell's Mark? Joel: Mark is Shinji's underwater secret ID Mike: Markie Mark, the 6th Child! Crow: First I think I'm Shinji, then I think I'm Fu Manchu, now I think I'm D.J. Croft! >"Mark, can you really play the piano?" Jiaolong asked. >"Yes," Shinji answered. >"After work, can I listen to you play?" >"Sure." Tom: Will you play it again, Shinji? Joel: Sorry, I already promised Rei I wouldn't. Mike: I only know the Jaws theme. That okay? >Jiaolong pecked Shinji's forehead. "Thank you." Then she filled the >sink with dirty dishes. >Shinji chuckled. "Luck, be a lady tonight..." he sang, washing the dishes. Crow: Oh, he just wants to get Luck pregnant, watch the kid grow up, and then dance the waltz with her when his hair turns white. Tom: And for my first song, I'll do a bouncy cover of Ray Steven's 'The Streak'.... >Mubai sighed. His niece was 16, too young to understand love. Mark was 21. >'Will he abuse Jiaolong's trust?' Mubai asked himself. Joel: Let us pray her trust is all he'll abuse. >'I have faith in Mark's honor. I pray that my faith isn't misplaced.' >Mubai was unaware that his faith was placed on a fake ID. Mike: Praying to the ID, sacrificing in the ID... all in naught, for it was a false idol. Crow: "Mark's" honor. What about Shinji's honor? >"Do you know what you have done!?" Gendo screamed into the phone. Tom: Yes, just gone deaf. Thanks. Crow: I DIDN'T ORDER THE DEEP DISH! I WANTED THE THIN CRUST!! >"Negative, Sir," General Li Long answered. Behind him, workers bolted >armor onto an Eva. Mike: It's always important to have giant robots wear protection. Joel: They were preparing the EVA unit for the RenFest! Crow: But where will they find a horse that large for the jousting? >"You were ordered to educate my son! You have failed!" Gendo >accused. "Now, he is a wild animal, uncontrollable and..." Tom: Let me be your hog! Joel: I don't understand, sir... we gave him a strict Catholic school upbringing, who knew he'd rebel? Mike: The nuns gave him the 'evils of masturbation' speech. >"When you abandoned your responsibility to your son, you abandoned >your control over your son," Long interrupted. Tom: Wha?!? How DARE you be honest with me! You're fired! Mike: Fuyutsuki, unleash the Robotic Richard Simmons! >"You unleashed the beast. I will not help you recapture the beast." He >hung up. Joel: Dan Severn is on the loose! Run for your lives! Tom: Kaji remains free-range, no one daring to cage him up... Crow: Gendo scowled furiously at the phone as he started chanting over his strangely kawaii pendant >Before him, a computer monitor showed a video of Evangelion Unit 01 >in battle. Crow: Set coincidentally enough to a Metallica tune of indiscriminate origin. Tom: All right, I love this anime! I tape it every week! >The Eva punched the 3rd Angel's face. Joel: Oh great, I just lost face! Mike: Directly after, the EVA gave the Third Angel a snicker-snag and a wet willie. Tom: Yeah! Go EVA unit! Dump his books next! >"Die! Die! Die! Die!" Shinji screamed. Crack! The Eva crushed the >Angel's skull. Mike: It's a good thing Shinji has a chance to work through these aggressions... Crow: My god, he is psycho... or speaking German, I'm not sure which. >Shinji madly laughed. >'Such rage,' Long noted. He remembered Shinji's first expression of rage. Tom: Get that boy a laxative! >Four years ago. Joel: What, no listing of hours? Mike: Our forefathers created this great nation that we've now screwed up beyond all recognition. >Through a crack in the recovery room's door, Long watched Shinji play >with his pocket computer. Crow: Back then, Shinji was known as Psycho Dweeb. Tom: Needless to say, Long was obsessed with cracks. >The boy's right arm was in a sling, his right eye was covered by a bandage. Mike: Arr, matey. >"I cannot protect him," Long noted. Tom: I'm a bigger wimp than he is. Joel: Jackie Chan has a better chance of being insured than Shinji. >"You can. When Shinji has recovered, I will let him return home." Mike: And the character saying this is...? Crow: Sore wa himitsu desu. >"Negative," Gendo said. "The Project is entering a critical phase. I am >responsible for humanity's salvation. Crow: And if he keeps repeating this, he might be able to believe it someday. Joel: Brother Gendo's, Brother Gendo's Evangelion Salvation Show.... >For now, Shinji is your responsibility." Tom: In double-speak, that means "Keep him. I don't want him." Mike: So take care of him or you can't borrow the car Saturday night! Joel: Gendo passing responsibility for Shinji on to someone else... deja vu much? >"But Shinji's in danger," Long noted. Mobs were chanting, >"Nuke Japan!" as they marched down Hong Kong, threw rocks into the >windows of Japanese-owned businesses, and assaulted Japanese citizens. Crow: Can't we all just get along?!? Joel: So, the setting the whole time was Hong Kong? Wouldn't this have been a good thing to bring up? Tom: And ruin the simplicity of the military times? For shame. >"I don't care." Gendo hung up. Mike: And when Gendo hung up on me, he hung up on my life and feelings... >Crack! Shocked by the sound, Long ran into the room, dropping his >satellite phone. Crow: Not to mention a load. Tom: The Third Impact! Yes! Fry their asses! >Shinji had thrown his computer against the floor, cracking the casing. >Long stared at the LCD. A record of his conversation was being decrypted >by the National Security Agency. Mike: Shinji's a mole? Joel: I'm an agent working for the Americans, Chinese Communists, and NERV... Now you can too! Just sign up and you can get your degree in being a double agent! >"You hacked into the NSA mainframe?" Long asked. Shinji >nodded. "Why?" Tom: Well, it seemed a good idea at the time, I wanted to know what Minneapolis, Minnesota was doing at this very time! Crow: Save your energy, the Twins still suck. Tom: D'oh! >"Father ordered me to be smart," Shinji answered. "I did this to prove >that I'm smart, to prove that I love him." Joel: And he's such a great guy, I framed him for the whole mess! Tom: Why didn't you build him a nuclear bomb then? Crow: Good idea! >Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the hospital bed. "But Father doesn't love me. >He doesn't care if I live or die." Mike: Splish Splash. Joel: Someone taking a bath? Tom: So, ah... granted, this validates the prologue, but WHY exactly is Shinji in Hong Kong anyway? Especially injured? Crow: Mahjong? How should I know? >Long sighed. "I'm sorry, Shinji. I promise, I'll take care of you..." >Shinji reached into Long's coat and grabbed Long's 7.62 mm automatic. Mike: N-no really! I-I-I p-promise to take VERY VERY good care of y-you! Honest! >Shocked, Long stepped away. He taught Shinji marksmanship, >he knew the boy was a marksman. Tom: He's even a mark for himself! Crow: He taught Shinji bookmaking, he knew the boy was a bookmaker. And most importantly, he taught the boy whining, he knew the boy was a whiner. >"You only care if I'm useful to you!" Shinji screamed. "Should I care >if you live or die!?" Tom: Damn straight! You should consider my life above all others, including yours! Joel: Shinji Ikari IS Sylvester Stallone AS Judge Dredd! Mike: ADRIAN! Oh, oops... wrong line! >Long frowned. "That depends. Am I useful to you? Can I give you >what you want?" Crow: Probably not, but if you try, you might find that you can give me what I need. Tom: I want a close-up, Mr. Long! >Shinji looked into Long's eyes, silently threatening. "Can you?" Long >nodded. "I want strength," Shinji demanded. Mike: I want size. I want Nike shoes. And I want my own critically-acclaimed sit-com. Crow: What are you, Alex Rodriguez? Joel: OK... I was planning on saving this, but... *Long gives HP 10 potion to Shinji!* *Shinji's Strength and Vitality increased by 7!* >"I can help you strengthen yourself." Crow: They're called steroids and aside from breast growth, genital shrinkage and mood swings, there's no side effects whatsoever! >Shinji pointed the gun at the ceiling. "Yes." He smiled. "I know you will." Mike: THIS oughta shut up those noisy neighbors upstairs! Joel: Just let me shoot this fly first! >Present day. A second monitor showed the output of the >Eva's S^2 engine. 'Such power,' Long noted. Crow: It's making me all hot and bothered... oh, I'm too close to the exhaust. Oops. Tom: Who would have guessed that those Super Nintendos had the power after all! >'I will give China this power.' Behind him, the Eva wore the PLA >Air Force insignia. Tom: Fear the awesome power of PLA! Crow: Worship PLA at the church of your choice! Mike: Only slightly more feared than the Judean People's Front, mostly for their larger Crack Suicide Squad. >2150 hours. Rei stood before her apartment door, waiting for Shinji to >come home. Mike: You bring the vodka? Joel: But I'm underage! Mike: Well, that didn't stop you from serving in the military in Hong Kong! >'Is that what I want? A family?' She heard two sets of footsteps come >up the stairs. Joel: It's Lassie! What's that girl, Shinji's trapped in the well? Crow: Forget Shinji! This horse will do just fine! What's your name, stud? >"Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars," Shinji sang. Mike: Carry moonbeams home in a jar... Aww, shoot, that isn't how it goes! Tom: Been visiting the topless kareoke bar, I see.... >"Let me see what spring is like, on Jupiter and Mars," a female voice >sang with him. Crow: Ahh.. so we're back to the SM cameo. Mike: Ow, dammit! You guys could at least try the SAME KEY!! >Shocked, Rei entered her apartment. Through a crack in the door, she >saw Shinji walk by, holding a young woman's hand. Tom: This fic is all shocks, cracks, and noting! Crow: And that's how you cross the street and walk downstairs to a stranger's apartment! Do you understand? Joel: Yes, thank you, Mr. Shinji! I can't wait to grow up so I can try it by myself! Tom: NERV must've offered an "Elementary Eavesdropping" class and everyone's felt the need to practice the lessons for the rest of time. >"In other words, hold my hand," they sang together. "In other words, >Darling, kiss me." They entered Shinji's apartment. Crow: "Dahling no baka!" *ZAP* Joel: ...slamming the door into the eavesdropping Rei and promptly rendering her unconscious. Mike: Broke into the old apartment, this is where we used to live... Tom: Why did you paint the walls? Why did you clean the floor? >Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the floor. 'Is she the one Shinji wants to spend >the rest of his life with?' Rei asked herself. Joel: Hello, I'm the plumber. I heard you had a leaky faucet? >"Stay away from her!" Kodama ordered. "I won't let you separate me >from the one I love!" Hikari screamed. Crow: And yet another two random characters come out of the woodworks. Mike: Oh, did I fail to tell you that the scene switched again? Oops. Tom: There's a seamless way to insert a brief flashback into a scene... and then there's this. >"I'm trying to protect you!" >"I don't need your protection!" Tom: Don't you remember the LAST SISTER who didn't accept my 'protection'? Crow: I don't need it. I'm already on the pill. >"Kodama-neechan! Hikari-neechan!" Nozomi called. "Please, stop fighting!" >Kodama sighed. "I'm willing to forgive and forget your... mistake. Now, >forget about the Eva pilot." She pecked Nozomi's forehead. >"Good night, Nozomi-chan." She entered her bedroom, then closed the door. Crow: On this scene, he said hopefully. Tom: Now, back to the fighting! Joel: I swear, I'll never forget the fabric softener again! >Nozomi approached Hikari. "I'm sorry," she cried. "I didn't mean to tell >Kodama-neechan." Hikari embraced the girl. "Don't be." Mike: I want to blare it from the heavens. I SUCK MY THUMB AND I'M DAMN PROUD OF IT! >2320 hours. Mubai stood in the staircase's shadow, watching the back >door open. Crow: Damn, I could do this for DAYS! This is great! Tom: Just you wait, stairs! One day I'm going to step out of your shadow and then you'll see! They'll all see! >"Goodnight, Jiaolong." Shinji kissed his coworker. >'So warm.' Jiaolong closed her eyes and returned the kiss. Mike: You left this kiss out on the counter, didn't you? What did I tell you about health inspections?!? >Then Shinji stepped away. "It's late," Jiaolong noted. "Please stay >here. It's dangerous..." Tom: Okay, but what are you going to do? Crow: Run like hell. Seeya! >Shinji laughed. "I'm not in danger. I have friends." He patted his hip >holsters. Joel: Not to mention acquaintances... ... comrades... ... amigos... ... Mike: When did this become a spaghetti western anyway? >Jiaolong sighed. "Be careful." She reluctantly released his hand. Shinji >walked away. Crow: ...forcing Rei to chase after him for an hour with a dog leash. Tom: Hey! You still haven't paid your bar tab! >"Welcome home," Mubai greeted. Jiaolong sadly smiled. "Goodnight, >Uncle." She pecked Mubai's forehead. Mike: Did we wander into a Chinese soap opera by mistake? Crow: This whole scene is just kissing and good-byes! >Mubai watched Jiaolong enter her room. 'Can I trust Mark?' >He sighed. 'Jiaolong trusts Mark. For now, I must trust Jiaolong's >judgment.' Tom: And to her eternal shame, Jiaolong left her door cracked... and the whole cast of NGE was caught in the morning, red-faced and sweatdropping. Crow: It was only practice! **** "Err, excuse me," Dr. Forrester said as he stopped the film. "But where do you think YOU'RE going, Jadeite? Is my lecture too boring for you?" "Not at all, Pa'dner," Jadeite replied, spitting in a nearby spittoon. "Hey, that was my hat!" "I just reckon I need a bit of fresh air," Jadeite explained, "So feel free to keep your little show going, Pa'dner." "Oh, we'll wait for you," Dr. Forrester dryly said, "No reason to have you escape the torture." He added to himself. "Well thank you kindly, Pa'dner!" Jadeite exclaimed as he left the room. Quietly closing the door behind him, he turned to make sure nobody was watching him. "Fools," He laughed, a maniacal grin appearing on his face. "Little do they know their energy will soon be used to reform the Dark Kingdom under MY leadership! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Shock! Treachery by Jadeite? Could he be on the verge of once again reforming the Dark Kingdom? Is TV's Frank really saving on long distance? Will our conventioneers be able to make it out of Jadeite's diabolical trap alive? Find out next part, same MST List, same MST time!