Richard Beaubien Presents.... A Dot Every T Production.... "RELATIONSHIPS" PT. 3 (A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover) MSTed by: Ammadeau Kaworu Lerche Megane 6.7 Richard Beaubien SKJAM Zoogz Neon Genesis Evangelion is owned by Gainax and all the distributors of their work. Sailor Moon is owned by Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of her work. This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. "Relationships" was written by Sidewinder and is used with his permission and our gratitude. **** Last time on MST3K, TV's Frank signed up for Long Distance.... And Dr. Forrester sampled some of the free spirits.... But what's THIS? Jadeite up to some VILLAINRY? DRAINING energy to reform the Dark Kingdom? Our Brave Heroes UNAWARE? HOW can they fight off this cliched plot Device? Find out on this weeks episode of MST3K: Relationships! (Dah dah, dah dah, dah dah, dah dah... MST-ING!) "Mwahahahah!" Jadeite laughed evily as he placed the final crystal. "Soon, I shall take all the despair from this room and use it to reform the dark kingdom!" "Mwahahahah!" Jadeite continued to laugh, ignoring the pair of truck lights heading his way. "Finally, all of my work will come to fruition and I shall be triumphant!" "MWAHAHAHAH!!!" Jadeite's laugh grew, drowning out the honking horn of the giant Ford monster truck which was just inches away from running him over. "Hmm, what's that?" Jadeite asked, just in time to catch a glance of the tire of the monster truck before it collided with him. "OH SHI...!!!" Jadeite was all he was able to scream as his face impacted hard with the large wheels of the truck. "Hmm, I wonder what's keeping Jadeite?" Dr. Forrester asked from inside the conference room. "Uh-oh... I think he got run over by Minky Momo again," TV's Frank replied as he peeked out of the door and grimaced at the mess. "Whatever," Dr. Forrester shrugged. "Let's just start the MST again, okay?" [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] >0600 hours, Saturday. Ring, ring! Mike: Shinji just loves that bell on his little girly bike. Tom: Come on, who in their right mind gets up at six o'clock on a SATURDAY?! >The doorbell awakened Asuka. 'If I ignore this idiot, this idiot will go >away,' she hoped. Ring, ring! Joel: This fanfic blew a mint on the sound effects... I hear it was a Junior Mint. Tom: Since when is 'ring' a doorbell sound? Even inanimate objects are OOC in this fic! >"Asuka, please get the door." Misato tossed and turned in bed. "Asuka!" Mike: Get the door, man! Crow: Answer the door! Tom: Asuka could not reply as Misato had rolled over right onto her and was currently being smothered to death. >"I'll get it, I'll get it." 'I'm going to knock off this idiot's head,' Asuka swore, >approaching the door. "Who's there!?" she barked. Mike: Asuka, there's a little thing called a peephole. Used to keep guntoting maniacs out. I suggest you use it. Tom: Keeps Shinji out, keeps freshness in... it's all new DOOR! Crow: I'M GOING DOOR TO DOOR TO BRING YOU THIS INCREDIBLE OFFER!!!! All: AHHHHHHH!!! SALESMAN! >"Asuka..." Hikari seemed delicate and fragile, without her typical strength >and determination. Asuka's anger evaporated when she saw Hikari's tears. >"Can I stay here? Only for a few days. I promise, I..." Mike: ...don't eat much, and I'll bring my own toothbrush! Tom: And your snoring? Mike: I'll shove cottonballs up my nose! Tom: All right, but you'd better be gone by nine tomorrow! >"Come in." Hikari smiled her thanks. "What happened?" Asuka asked. >"Kodama... she knows. She..." Hikari cried on Asuka's shoulder. "She >said I was embarrassing our family! She said you were a..." Tom: ...You were a... a... Joel: What, what?! Tom: A... a... a not very nice sort of person! WAHHHHHH!!! Crow: I think Shinji sucked up all the backbone in this fic by creating a total vacuum, and that made all the other characters total wusses. >Asuka silenced her with a kiss. "I don't care about what she says." >"Oh, Asuka-chan!" Joel: Though with Asuka's lips mashed against hers it came out as "Mhpehhmph!" Crow: Let's leave this place right now! Mike: No. Let's wait for tomorrow... 'cause tomorrow's another day! Crow: I knew she was gonna say that... Tom: And another conflict of anguish and torment is solved in two seconds. >Through a crack in her bedroom door, Misato saw Asuka embrace the other >girl. She decided to let Asuka be. The girl deserved a respite from her >responsibilities. Crow: But after lunch time, I'll be teasing them like there's no tomorrow! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Tom: So she ran and got her camcorder back from Rei to add to the Asuka lesbian video! Soon to be on sale at your local sleazy video store. >"Misato, can Hikari stay with us?" Asuka asked. >Misato smiled. "Of course." Joel: It's $750 rent per week, including utilities... Mike: Sure, babe. Hey Asuka, check the closet for the ropes! We finally have a good use for 'em... >"EVANGELION PILOT BERSERK" the headline screamed. "Dr. Mizuno >has attempted to access Pilot Ikari's personal history. Tom: However, when she started reading this story, she gave up halfway through and is now making ass-backwards guesses to his origin. Crow: Let's see here... born on the planet Kypton... power beyond mortal man.... >However, NERV officials refused, citing several security protocols. >Dr. Mizuno suspects a 'conspiracy of shame' that is concealing possible >evidence of child abuse..." Joel: I tried the records in Hong Kong where he stayed for a time, but they were too wet to read. Crow: In fact, moments after this article went to press, all of our paper mills were destroyed and our staff executed so there's NO conspiracy happening here! None whatsoever! Mike: Actually, this would be LESS confusing as an episode as 'X-Files'. >Ritsuko sighed, putting down the newspaper. The psychologist's judgment >was flawed, because she didn't see through the illusory insanity that Shinji >used as weapons. Mike: How could he have missed the two silenced, laser sight, compensation pistols Shinji carries everywhere? Crow: Doesn't she see that every time Shinji shoots to kill, he's just kidding? Tom: It's the shoe! He's been used like an old shoe! Damn those hack writers for not seeing it sooner! >Ritsuko's own judgment was flawed, because she didn't see >through the illusory sanity that Shinji used as camouflage. Joel: So the diagnosis of "CRAZY" and the diagnosis of "SANE" are because of the same reason? Crow: Huh? The reader was flawed because he couldn't make sense of this bullhucky. >The boy's mental defenses were impenetrable. Mike: Except to the readers, who could all tell he was just another god-boy avatar. Joel: But tickle him with a feather and he's putty in your hands. >But Ritsuko knew what laid behind the defenses. Shinji lowered them >for one moment, after he defeated the 3rd Angel. Crow: We all know what's behind those defenses.... It's DJ Croft! Tom: Hey, I got me a medical degree in my box of Frosted Mini-Wheats! >Shocked by his own brutality, Shinji cried, "I'm a monster, I'm a monster..." Mike: And everyone chanted in unison: Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Crow: And yet another change in scene happens mid-paragraph, leaving the reader holding the bag and scratching their head. >That night, Ritsuko embraced the boy, saying, "You're not a monster." >Shinji cried on her shoulder. For one moment, Ritsuko felt like a mother. Joel: The next moment, Ritsuko felt like a feather pillow. Tom: Maya, get the gun. >She wanted to feel like that again. She wanted to bear children with the >one she loved, and together, to watch their children grow up. Joel: But Gendo had a headache that night. >But children shouldn't live with fear and pain. Ritsuko must help Gendo >complete the Completion of Man Project. She must let Shinji, and his >future siblings, live without fear and pain. Mike: She's getting delirious... she's repeating herself. Tom: That would imply she was making sense in the first place though. Mike: Good point. >She didn't see through Gendo's lies. She didn't know the Project's true goal. Crow: She was doing it all for the nookie. Mike: With Gendo? She MUST be delirious. Tom: Hahaha, I've kept you all in the dark! I wanted government funding and lots of it! Seeya suckers, I'm going to Switzerland! >0950 hours. "Welcome to Little Canton," Jiaolong greeted. "May I take >your order?" Crow: I'd like a double helping of plot with a side order of setting, to go. Tom: Sorry, we don't know how to make either. >"Negative," Rei answered. "I came to talk." >Jiaolong was suspicious. "What do you want?" Joel: Tell me, am I Rei from NGE or Rei from SM? We still don't know! Crow: Actually, you're the Rei from UY. Go find Lum and Ran! >"Mark Lee," Rei answered. She knew about Shinji's fake ID. >Jiaolong's eyes widened. "You look just like him! You're his cousin, >right?" Joel: Actually, according to the author, I'm Shinji's dad. Mike: Grody to the max! Does that make Gendo your mother? Crow: No, but I'm fixin' to make Shinji his own grandpa. Tom: ... that means that Shinji is actually 21 in this? I call an official no way. Joel: Sorry, we've already logged enough protests to make three separate appendixes. You'll have to make an index. >Rei blinked her surprise. "I..." >Jiaolong's suspicion evaporated. "Have a seat!" She pointed at a chair. >"Uncle, this is..." Mike: ...a chair thief! Hey, come back here with our furniture! Crow: ... probably the most confusing NGE fic of all time! What the heck is going on now? >"Ayanami Rei," the pilot finished. >"Mark's cousin!" Jiaolong smiled. Tom: Is there ANYBODY who isn't a cousin to someone in this fanfic? Crow: So that makes Rei Shinji's cousin, dad, and half his mom? Joel: And he's still macking onto her? Man, that psychologist needs his head examined. >Mubai approached the table. "Mark has Japanese relatives?" >"He's from Hong Kong," Jiaolong noted. "A mosaic of different cultures." Crow: Yeah, like the sharks, the whales, the sailfish... >"Why must he work here?" Mubai asked. "Why won't his relatives support >him? Did they disinherit his parents?" Joel: Well, if he's 21 in this, why wouldn't he be working? Be consistent story! Please! >Mubai remembered the race riots. Mobs chanted, "Kill all chinks!" as >they marched down Tokyo-2, threw rocks into the windows of Chinese-owned >businesses, and assaulted Chinese immigrants. Crow: Okay, I KNOW I've read this stuff before.... Mike: Amazing what a search-and-replace can do. Tom: That's a sudden turn of events... and also ignores the fact that the same thing would have happened to Japanese 'Mark' in Hong Kong on PLA. >"Dear God," Jiaolong cried. "Now I know why Mark refuses to talk >about his family." Joel: ... we do? When did we find this out? Crow: Look at this piece of tape placed carefully and tightly over Mark's mouth! It's little wonder he's been silent for so long! >She turned away. "I had a classmate, who was an Englishman's >illegitimate child. She had no friends... she unworthy of friendship. >One day, she slashed her own wrists." Tom: And from that day on, she had to beat people away with a stick! Mike: Wow! Look at all that blood! And the scars! Let us see! Come on, we'll be your best friend! >Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the table. Tom: Speaking of recycled lines... Crow: That table must be pretty waterlogged by now. Joel: Hmm, Clapton was right. Tears from heaven. >"At her funeral, I kept thinking, 'If I had befriended her, she would not >have been alone... she would not have been suicidal.' Crow: She would have been SLAP HAPPY SAPPY!!! >I hated myself, because I didn't." Jiaolong looked into Rei's eyes. >"I must not let this happen to Mark. I must let him know... someone >loves him." Mike: So let him go, that's the best way to show you love him! >"Good morning, Mr. Li," Shinji greeted. >"Mark!" Jiaolong embraced the boy. "Thank God, you're okay!" Tom: ... didn't he just leave? I'm starting to think the story is trying to confuse me on purpose now. >Shinji blushed. "Jiaolong..." >"Goodbye... Mark," Rei whispered. She cried as she left the restaurant. Tom: S-So much for s-s-serving it my way... *sob*.... Joel: Drip drip. Mike: And this was the tragic event which started the clone riots of 2015. >0000 hours, Sunday. Hikari writhed and moaned under Toji's body. Crow: Nope, you still aren't doing anything for me... maybe you should be on top? Mike: Why Asuka like to dangle him from the ceiling.. the world may never know. Crow: Nah, it's really Kensuke in a bad wig. >The young man smiled. He was the perfect lover, knowing where to >touch her, and how to touch her. Tom: That Rei clone was expensive, but it paid off in the end! Mike: And for three brief shining seconds, Toji will be my self-insert avatar! Joel: Can I... hit you up for a $20 now? >"Yes, right there..." Hikari gasped. "Yes, yes, yes, yes!" Tom: Yes, yes, sell the petroleum. Put it all in blue chips! Mike: He's imitating a bit from Tron now? >"Do you love me?" Toji asked. >Hikari kissed him. "I love you, Shin-chan..." Toji leapt off the bed. Mike: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!? Crow: This? Oh, I'm a hermaphrodite. You didn't know? Mike: So YOU'RE the lover of Artemis?! Tom: ...Just don't tell Felicia! Joel: Or Artemis, Or Fifi, Or Lola, or.... >Hikari sensed his rage. "What's wrong, Shin-chan?" she asked. >"I am not Shinji!" Toji waved his fist at her. Crow: Well, you're certainly acting like him. Mike: I am not a psycho gunner! I am a human being! Joel: But I know that toothpick anywhere! Tom: Give 'em the lumber, Razor Toji! >Hikari cried. "I'm sorry, Shinji..." >Toji grabbed Hikari's hand. "Are you listening to me!? I am not..." Joel: ...Spock! >Then he saw his reflection in Hikari's eyes. The jaw was round, >not square. The eyes were blue, not brown. The face was Shinji's, not >Toji's. "Noooo!" Mike: Must...resist...compulsion...to...read..."Soldier of Fortune"... Tom: But for Toji, this is an upgrade. He's gone from being the one-armed, one-legged man to just the one-armed man. >0010 hours. "Noooo!" Toji awakened with a start. He ran into the >restroom to see his reflection. The face was Toji's, not Shinji's. Joel: But his body was definitely Asuka's Crow: Damn it! I was almost blemish free! Tom: I was just getting used to getting the girls too! >"Son, are you all right!?" his father asked. >"I'm fine," Toji answered. "It was a bad dream." Mike: Actually, I wouldn't characterize getting some when you usually don't a "bad" dream... Crow: Then come back to bed, snuggle-bunny! Joel: Ick ick ick.... >He turned on the faucet to wash away his tears. "Damn you, Shinji..." Tom: And the one place where "drip drip" would truly apply, a bathroom faucet, it's not used. Mike: It's all your fault that Hikari is a lesbian! Crow: Those high heels hurt, damnit! >0730 hours, Monday. Ring, ring! Misato answered the door. Joel: Try answering the phone, you might have better luck. Mike: The author must have a very limited sound effects budget. Joel: I counted three total myself. >"Good morning, Miss. I am Horaki Kodama." The young woman >bowed. "Is my sister here?" Crow: Just a sec, let me untangle her from Asuka. Tom: ...ARRRRRRGHHH!!! Not ANOTHER character?!? I have enough trouble figuring out the Shinji/Marky Mark thing. Joel: Nope, you're the one character in this fanfic that actually isn't related to someone. Hard to believe, isn't it? >"Yes," Misato answered. "Would you like to come in?" >"Yes, thank you." Joel: Ring Ring! Mike: One of these days, I've REALLY got to rip that store bell off the top of the door.... Tom: This "Dialogue with Five Easy Words" book works wonders! >"Misato, who's at the door?" Asuka entered the living room. >"Hello, Kodama." >"Good morning, Ms. Langley," Kodama snarled. Crow: Down bitch! Joel: Don't mind her, she's a bear in the morning. >"Tell her to leave me alone!" Hikari screamed from the kitchen. >Misato sighed. "Asuka, please entertain Ms. Horaki. I'm going to have a >word with Hikari." She entered the kitchen. Mike: Shaddup! Crow: And Asuka follows Misato, not knowing what Horaki to entertain but knowing exactly how to 'entertain' Hikari. >"This way, please." Asuka seated Kodama on the sofa, then sat herself on >an easy chair, facing Kodama. "I'm sorry about what happened. I never >meant to divide your family." Tom: And in another patented two-second resolution, Kodama will completely forgive her! Crow: Whore! Slut! Homewrecker! Mike: OK, maybe I did mean it! Bitch! Tom: Heh heh, or maybe not.... >"Nevertheless, you have done so." Kodama looked into Asuka's eyes. >"What do you want from my sister? Fun and games?" Joel: A little "Twister", playing "Doctor"... sure! Crow: Sex, duh. Do I need to draw you a picture? >Asuka tried not to cry. "Trust. Security. The peace that comes when >you're in your friend's arms, when you know you're safe." Joel: Drip drip! Tom: Even though I did absolutely nothing to suggest I was interested in her before she confessed her love to me. Crow: Okay... what does that have to do with SEX then?! Mike: Safer without clothes. It... reduces the risk of fire! >"So, the heroic Eva pilot feels insecure." Kodama clenched her fist. >"Why do you feel insecure? You're a hero, a role-model." 'A whore,' >she didn't add. "You have the world's attention and adoration. Why?" Joel: Umm... I forgot my Depends.... Tom: Massive bribes and a PR campaign to shame the GM Saturn! >"When your mother died, what did you feel?" Asuka asked. >"Loneliness? Insecurity? Fear and rage?" Kodama frowned. Mike: None of your damn business, Ms. Nosy! >"When my mother died, I asked God, 'Why?' God ignored me. So I >raged against him, and against every one of his creations. Including >myself." Tom: Nag, nag, nag, YOU try creating the world in six days and see how much energy YOU have left! Mike: It could have had something to do with the fact I'm Buddhist... >Asuka sighed. "I'm tired of rage. I..." Crow: Yeah, their stuff got way too political after the first album. >"Want to be loved?" Kodama asked. Asuka nodded. Joel: I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong? >"So did I," Hikari added. She entered the living room and sat on the other >easy chair, facing Kodama. "So did you, when you had an affair with your >English teacher." Mike: But Na-chan was just too dreamy to resist! Then he got hit by a truck. Crow: Ugh, don't remind me! To this day, I can still hear her correcting the grammar of my moans and gasps in my nightmares. >Kodama sighed. "James... was a mistake. I was young and foolish. So are >you." She looked into her sister's eyes. "Hikari, please come home. Don't >make the same mistake I made." Joel: But I got this giant eraser and I've been dying to give it a test rub! Tom: It's not the same. She's teaching me how to moan in German. >"I..." Hikari stopped. 'Can I trust her?' >"Kodama is right," Asuka said. Kodama's and Hikari's eyes widened. Mike: I am? >"Go home. Don't sacrifice your relationship with your family. Don't..." Crow: Yes, I want to try out Kodama for a while now. Mike: Don't ever rip off those 'do not remove' tags on furniture! Don't take any wooden nickels! Don't let the door slap you on the ass on your way out! >Drip, drip. Tears fell onto Asuka's dress. Joel: Man, this fanfic makes me want to go to the bathroom.... Tom: If this leak gets any worse, my hard drive will be floating! Mike: The onion budget on this show must be enormous! Crow: It's no wonder Hong Kong's underwater, they just shipped the entire cast for a vacation there! >"I'm sorry. I envy you, Hikari. I envy your relationship with your family. >When I see you with your family, I wish..." Tom: I wish I knew what the hell happened to my dad in the series! Anno, what's the deal with my pop?! Joel: I wish... I wish my father wasn't a crazy doll-maker who whittled a piece of wood into a blender and insisted I call it "my brother Hans"! >Hikari put her hand on Asuka's shoulder. "You don't have to be envious. I >accept you as a member of our family. Nozomi accepts you. Kodama..." Mike: ...well, she'll be dancing on your grave, but every family's got one! I swear! Crow: This fic has more pause than a Ronald Reagan speech. Tom: Touch of Satan 3: This time, its an Angel. >"I will not accept this!" Kodama screamed. She left Misato's condo. >"Damn!" Misato turned towards Hikari. Joel: I thought she was hot! Tom: This is all your fault, Hikari! You weren't trying hard enough! Crow: Look at that rear waggle on out! You sure she's a bigot? >"Hikari, please take care of Asuka. I'm going to have a word with your sister." >She followed Kodama out the door. Mike: Coffee? Please? Call me? Tom: And with that, another wild Kodoma is released into the forest... Crow: I'll put a contract out on her. Hmm, Shinji ought to be perfect for the job.... >"I will." Hikari embraced her friend, who cried on her shoulder. Joel: Drip. Drip. Crow: It's the Chinese Water Torture of fics! Mike: I think a 'splash splash' would work better here myself.... >0750 hours. "Ms. Horaki!" Misato called. Kodama ignored her. "Why >won't you forgive Asuka? Joel: So, considering all the times that a scene was changed mid-stream, the author's cutting to the exact same action that was just described? Tom: 'Cause I'm the wind, baby! >Because you fear disgracing your family name? Are you >fearful enough to crucify your sister upon your family name?" Joel: Questions! Questions! Questions! We need ANSWERS! ANSWERS!! ANSWERS!!! Crow: Misato, secret member of the Spanish Inquisition. Mike: Well, Dad would whip her into submission, but it turned out that she enjoyed it just a LITTLE too much. >Kodama turned towards Misato. "You don't know the importance of >family." >"I know it can destroy a human life." Misato answered. Tom: Yeah, tell that to the girl that keeps a penguin as remembrance of her father that passed in Antarctica... Crow: Pen-Pen was too smart to stay in this fic. He got a walk on role on Ebichu. Mike: I mean, look at Shinji! You want Hikari turning out like THAT?! Joel: Want some rejection to go with that pessimism, Misato? >"I know it has led parents to kill their children, and brothers to kill their >sisters. I know why lovers still brave such dangers in order to be together." Mike: And most importantly, I know what you did last summer!! Crow: Cry me a river... drip, drip. >"That's not love!" Kodama clenched her fist. "I thought it was love. I >was wrong." Joel: ... so Kodama was in love with Asuka too? That actually explains a few things. Mike: So, ah... other than a categorical approval of lesbianism and a completely OOC treatment of Shinji's character... what does this fic have to do with Neon Genesis Evangelion? I mean, are there any angels who could swoop down and kill off this terminal soap opera? Crow: It's the all-gay production of Romeo and Juliet! >Misato sensed the young woman's vulnerability. "You were pregnant," she >guessed. "Your lover refused to accept his responsibility. So you had an >abortion." Crow: And how did I know? Your doctor's office door was CRACKED! HAHAHAHAHA!! Mike: Kaji told me about this tramp he knocked up... uhhh, I mean, just a lucky guess! Tom: Um no, would it be bad if I just said that I don't think lesbianism is natural? Hmmm? Aren't I entitled to my OWN point of view and my single lonely voice of devil's advocate? >Kodama sighed. "Yes. James abandoned me in my time of need. So I..." >Drip, drip. Tears fell onto the floor. Crow: I'd even settle for blood, really! Anything other than tears! Mike: Oh God, let me guess... he showed up with what turned out to be a fake ID and claimed he was from Hong Kong? Joel: Lesson here is to never trust a member of Team Rocket. >Misato looked into Kodama's eyes. "You must forgive yourself, or this rage >will destroy your family." Tom: This fic should have been called 'Repetitons' not 'Relationships'! >"I never meant to hurt Hikari. I wanted to protect her from betrayal." Tom: Two second resolutions! Get em while they're piping hot! Mike: That's why I wanted to rip her out of the arms of the woman she loves! So she won't be hurt by anyone else but me! Joel: Cause IIIIIIIIIIIII... WILL ALWAYS... LOVE YOU.... >"You fear trust. Trust makes you vulnerable to betrayal." Misato sighed. >"I understand. Like you, I've been betrayed by someone I loved." Crow: Well, at least that explains the absence of Kaji, but not why Toji has all his limbs. Continuity! Joel: I'd settle for 'Plausibility' at this point. Mike: So, ah... anyone missing the other story with "Psycho Gunner" and his killer mojo? Tom: Can't we just let Tom Dyon onto the set to unload a can of whoop-ass on everyone? Crow: Anybody got the number of a plumber? >"I envy them," Kodama cried. "They dare to trust, to love. They don't >fear lies or loneliness, because they have each other. I have no one." Tom: They dare to... Dream, the impossible dream... Mike: Go drip drip to mama, you little wussy! Joel: Well, we've had plenty of tears, how about some laughter? Tom: This is going where I think its going, isn't it? Can't we have just one IC relationship? Crow: We can always hope. >"You don't have to be afraid." Misato put her hand on Kodama's shoulder. >"I learned to trust again. You can, too. We can help you." Joel: Just a second, let's set you up with this GREAT psychologist I know of, her name's Ritsuko... Mike: In fact, there's this guy that's been dying to meet you! His name's Bill Cortner and he's looking for a beautiful body for his girlfriend. Crow: I'll put on a big stack of KD Lang albums. Tom: And then we can pop in the Ellen Degeneres marathon! >Kodama put her hand on Misato's. "Thank you." Crow: Misato's what I wonder... Joel: Looks like the first step out of twelve has been reached. Tom: Along with first base. >"Shinji, did you spend the weekend with Hikari?" Toji asked. >Shinji blinked his surprise. "No. Why did you ask?" Tom: I need to figure out if it was a dream sequence or another peeping thing. Hard to tell in this fic. Crow: Heh, considering all the doors that have remained cracked, the plot's just a step behind. Joel: It's either that or water damage on the space-time continuum. >"I went to visit Hikari on Saturday afternoon. Her sister said she wasn't >home. Then she bitched about the Eva pilot who perverted her sister." Mike: Curse you Rei! Tom: Perverted? Sounds like some kind of hentai disease. Crow: I'm not a pervert! I've merely been perverted! >"Toji, I sold the bed to make room for the piano." Joel: Isn't that a Kenny Rogers tune? >"She must have spent the weekend with Asuka," Kensuke guessed. "And >Misato. Shinji-kun, did they ask you to join their lesbian orgy?" Tom: ... so Shinji is a woman now?! I'm so confused! Mike: Yeah, but I drew the line at getting the surgery. Crow: Naw, they told me that they hated hot dogs in their buns. >Shinji chuckled as Toji slapped Kensuke. Tom: He never saw it coming, what a maroon! Mike: Wait a minute... sexually active underaged uberkids... is this a Ratliff fic? >1150 hours. 'I've never seen it before.' Rei remembered >Friday night. >'The hunger in his eyes. Joel: Er, which Friday night would that be? It's been about 3 weeks now, hasn't it? Tom: No, it's just FELT like three weeks. In actuality, it's been about five days. Crow: Feels like a whole year has passed since this fic has started for me. >Ikari-kun needs her. Does he need me?' Mike: Find out tonight on the LOVE CONNECTION! Joel: I want YOU to want ME! Crow and Tom: >"Rei-chan!" Minako put her hand on Rei's shoulder. 'Rei's trembling. >What happened to her?' "Are you okay?" Crow: Yay! The Senshi are back! People who actually make sense! Tom: I think the author just accidentally changed the station on us here. Mike: Fifty-seven channels and nothing on... >Rei turned towards Minako. "I've met her." >"Who?" Tom No, What. Who's on first. Joel: Don't even think about it. Crow: Umm... center field? >"The woman Ikari-kun wants to spend the rest of his life with." >"Don't worry!" Minako assured. "Shinji-kun loves you, everyone >knows that!" Mike: Just ask all the other delusional girls around here! Crow: He yells out your name every time we're in the sack! >"Ikari-kun does not want to have sex with me," Rei said. Minako blinked >her surprise. "He wants to have sex with her. Tom: Just because I insisted he wear his little rubber raincoat... Crow: Last I heard he wanted to have sex with anything young, female and with a steady pulse! >He wants to have children with her, and to watch their children grow up. >He wants..." Mike: A stable IRA, with a Roth account and a money market fund for a good retirement! Crow: ...a shrubbery? >Rei cried on Minako's shoulder. "I'm sorry." >Minako sighed. "Don't be." Tom: Anyone get the feeling that Soun would be a natural fit in this fic? Joel: Natch. >1600 hours. "Hikari, where were you this weekend?" Toji asked. Tom: Trying to figure out if slot A fits into slot B. You? Mike: Sleeping it off. Crow: Making gravy the hard way, if you know what I mean. *nudge, nudge* Joel: You got a job in a gravy factory? Crow: Ahh.... >"At Asuka's house," the girl answered. "I had an argument with my >older sister, so I left home." Mike: To be perfectly accurate, isn't it Misato's pad? Crow: Asuka has her own house now? Guess she's demanding kickbacks for piloting now. >Toji sighed his relief. "I'm sorry. I thought you spent the weekend with >Shinji. When you said you were attracted to someone else, I..." Joel: ...snapped harder than Shinji with a new Uzi. Mike: stabbed myself repeatedly in the groin with a pen to forget. Boy, that's ONE mistake I'll never make again! Tom: That doesn't change the fact that I'm attracted to someone else though. Crow: Yeah, but it's more fun to watch you and Asuka. >"I understand." >"Who's the lucky man?" >"Asuka," Hikari answered. Crow: She's a man? I could've sworn I got a good peek when she first arrived. >Toji's eyes widened. "I don't want it to be a secret anymore. Asuka and I >are in love." She walked away. >"Goodbye, Toji-kun." Joel: I don't know why I said hello, you said good-bye! Crow: Err, I see you everyday. I sit behind you in school. Tom: Oh, yeah. >"Hey, Toji!" Shinji called. "Aren't you going to bring Yuki home?" Mike: I got more yellow roses to give 'er! >"Ikari-kun," Rei called. "May I have a word with you?" Joel: The word is apple. Tom: Ding! >"Sure!" Shinji turned towards Toji. "I'll meet you at your house, okay?" >He followed Rei out the door. Joel: Where the heck are they anyway? School? Geo-front? Las Vegas? Tom: More importantly, where does that door lead? Mike: Even more importantly, did they remember to leave it cracked open so that all important conversations can be witnessed and heard? Crow: Oh, I'm sure some unnamed person is already in the room with them to overhear. >Toji sighed. "At least Shinji has found true love." Tom: With his mom. Mike: Yep, every time he looks in the mirror. Joel: Oh drip, drip, sad, sad.... Crow: And poor Toji continues to look for true love in several wrong places. >1605 hours. "What's on your mind, Rei, baby?" >"What do you see when you see me?" Rei asked. "A mother? A >daughter? A sister? A wife?" Mike: How about a never-ending source of questions!?! I'm not John Agar, dammit, I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING!!! Crow: How about a cook for starters? I'm starved! >Shinji sighed. "When I was at the Army Academy, a friend invited me to >dinner. At his house, he introduced his parents and his younger sister Tom: Ever since then, I've been on the run, refusing to pay child support. Crow: Then this weird voice-over started criticizing us for bad table manners and annoying our parents. >I saw how protective his mother was of him, and how supportive his father >was of him. In turn, my friend was protective and supportive of his sister. Crow: It's too bad they all drowned... Joel: That's when I pulled out my pistols and slaughtered them all in a poor imitation of the Kenshin manga! >I wanted to be a part of his family. I wanted someone to protect and support >me, and..." He put his hand on Rei's shoulder. Tom: Stay standing, I need to lean on you. Mike: That's why I married his sister. So get lost. >"I guess I see you as a sister. Someone I can protect and support. >Someone who trusts me." Joel: But I don't trust you, and you have never done anything to protect or support me! Crow: Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick.... >Rei put her hand on Shinji's. "Thank you." She smiled. Tom: Wow, does THIS look familiar? Mike: Even though earlier I wanted your hot lovin' I guess the author forgot that already. >"I'm going to buy Yuki a present. Can you help me find something she'd >like?" Shinji asked. Crow: Umm... try yellow roses! They always work for me. >"Affirmative." Minako watched the pilots leave. 'A brother. Someone she >can trust.' The girl smiled. 'I guess Rei-chan has found a kind of love.' Crow: A... Brother Love.... Tom: I... LUV... YEWWWW!! Mike: But I wanted steam and fireworks, dammit! >"You told Toji?" Asuka asked. >"Yes," Hikari answered. "I don't want it to be a secret anymore." Mike: Would have be nice if you asked me first. I mean, it does affect me and all. Tom: Whatever. >Asuka put her hand on Hikari's shoulder. "Thanks. I was tired of keeping >this secret." She smiled. "Want to go shopping?" Crow: We can get matching butt tattoos! Mike: Actually, could you keep squeezing my shoulder? I've had this tension there for a while now.... Joel: Ficscrafters. Plot resolutions in about a sentence. >"Sure..." Hikari stopped when she saw Kodama and Misato. >"Good afternoon, Hikari-chan." Kodama bowed to her sister. >"Ms. Langley." >She bowed to the pilot. Tom: Aren't frontal lobotomies just WONDERFUL? Joel: Man, Kodama has got to feel bad about her earlier rant now that she's hooked up with Misato. Mike: Of course, in the natural succession of things, lesbian relationships will prove to be what the universe is striving to evolve humans for... Crow: Ah yes, the Howard Stern Guide to Evolution. >"What do you want!?" Hikari barked. >Kodama sighed. "I came to apologize." She looked into her sister's eyes. Mike: Oh my god, she's POSSESSED! I must SEAL the EEEEEEVIL!! Joel: Here, use my Ziploc Bag! Crow: I never realized how lovely you are! Come to daddy! Tom: Get away from me, sicko! >"I'm sorry, Hikari-chan. I thought I was protecting you. But you didn't >need protection from Asuka. You needed protection from myself." Joel: And don't forget my Shinji insurance! Tom: Umm, we're both girls so we don't really need any protection. >Hikari blinked her surprise. "Sis, I..." >"Forgive her," Asuka said to Hikari. "Your relationship is too precious to..." >Asuka walked away, hiding her tears. Joel: Everyone together! Drip. Drip. Mike: No, she's hiding the tears. It's probably more like splat, splat now. Crow: Laugh, and the world laughs with you... cry, and you get a crummy sound effect. >"Ms. Langley." Kodama put her hand on the pilot's shoulder. >"I am sorry. >I was wrong." She sighed. "I will accept you as a part of our family." Tom: And what will Mr. Horaki, the Pat Buchanan clone, say about THIS? Joel: Say it with feeling! Let's hear those drips of authenticity! >Asuka's eyes widened. "You..." >"I can learn to trust you," Kodama said. Crow: Oh, good. I'm dumping your sister for a piece of Maya now. Mike: I think Asuka is the one with the aura of smooth in this fic. Her own house, two sisters eating out of her hand... >"Thank you." Asuka embraced her. >'Langley is not a whore,' Kodama noted. 'She is... like myself.' Tom: So just a run-of-the-mill slut, eh? Crow: OK, we finally have confirmed lesbianism from Kodama. Now we just need a statement from Misato. Mike: And I'll be damned if I call myself a whore! Joel: Can't imagine she'd be against it, she's hosting it all! >The young woman returned the embrace. >Misato smiled as the girls resolved their conflicts. Mike: Things really wrapped up nicely... *checks watch* Much quicker than usual. Joel: All we need now is the heartfelt music touching family moment with studio applause. >1620 hours. "Welcome home." Kodama opened the door for Hikari. >"Bye, Hikari-chan!" Asuka walked away. Joel: What, no emotion-soaked "Tadaima!" drip drip? Crow: Must have finally fixed that leak. >"Ms. Langley," Kodama called. The pilot stopped. "Would you like to join >us at dinner?" Tom: Dad scheduled something called an "intervention" and specifically said that you and my sister should be present. Mike: Don't do it, Asuka! It's a trap! >Asuka smiled her thanks. "Yes. I'd be honored." >"Sis!" Nozomi ran towards Hikari. "I missed you!" Crow: Stand still next time! I only have 5 bullets left! Joel: This is like a play without any stage directions! Actors just walk in and out at random! >Hikari embraced her younger sister. "I'm sorry, Nozomi-chan," she said. >Nozomi returned the embrace. "Don't be." Mike: Don't speak, I know what you're thinking... Tom: But I'm really really sorry, and... Mike: What did I just say!?! >"Hello, Nozomi-chan," Asuka greeted. >"Asuka-neechan!" Nozomi embraced the pilot. "I missed you, too." >Drip, drip. Joel: The leak came without warning... There had been no declaration of dripping, no creaking pipes to warn it was going to happen. It simply happened. Mike: Hey, who are you calling a drip! Crow: I think the dam is finally about to burst. Tom: Oh wow, I know what we need... a little boy to put his finger in the dyke to stop the dripping! Crow: I'm your man! Which one, Asuka or Hikari? >Tears fell onto the girl's head. Nozomi looked into Asuka's eyes. >"Why are you crying?" she asked. Mike: I can't resist the sounds of gentle dripping, it helps me sleep. Crow: Because we blew what budget we had on a fancy expensive chronograph and trusted the sound effects to "THSUX"! Joel: The audience is dripping. >"I'm... so happy." Asuka returned the embrace. "Thank you." >Kodama sighed. "You're welcome." She left the living room. Tom: And reemerged in a bedroom a thousand miles away. Joel: It's the amazing doors of transportation! Crow: Yep, I need yet ANOTHER dose of insulin for this fic. Dammit, I'm just about to hit sugar shock... >1720 hours. "Shinji-kun!" Yuki ran towards her hero. >"You've come, you've come!" Mike: Nope. Give me a minute, two tops. Tom: Her hero is the guy who put her in the hospital? That's one messed up kid. Joel: Wait a minute! You're not Billy! Crow: But I come from Hong Kong and I've got the kung-fu grip! >"Hello, Miss Yuki!" Shinji handed a teddy bear to Yuki, who smiled. >"It's so cute!" The girl smiled her thanks. Crow: Another proud graduate of the Nuku Nuku School of Smiling. Mike: Yuki, don't trust a teddy bear who smiles... Tom: Coincidentally made with skin flayed from the 'vicious street gang' who attacked earlier and provided the fic with its ONLY ACTION... Crow: You forgot about the reporter he nearly killed. >"Good evening, Suzuhara-kun," Rei greeted. "May I enter?" >"Sure," Toji answered. Joel: All that's missing is Toji chuckling like Beavis. Crow: Plenty of Buttheads though... heh heh heh. >"Okay," Yuki reluctantly answered. Then she grabbed Shinji's hand. "But >don't try to take away my Shinji-kun!" Shinji and Toji laughed. Tom: She's so CUTE when she's insanely jealous... Crow and Joel: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... we don't get it. Mike: ...nervously because she had that evil, Misery-like look in her eye again. Joel: *makes the A-OK sign*. "It stinks!" >Rei smiled. "Do not worry," she assured. "He is free." Mike: ...for the first three minutes but then he's $2.49 for each additional minute. Crow: The Shinji plan. More savings than ever! Tom: Oh, and don't forget easy. Definitely easy. Joel: Free as the wind blows, free as the grass grows... >* Credits * >Story >Sidewinder, email Aim9Snake@hotmail.com . Mike: Just goes to prove that a good joystick doesn't always make a good author. Joel: Yay, the credits are rolling! I'm so happy I can cry. dripdripdripdripdripdripdripdripdripdrip.... Crow: You're flooding Hong Kong... again. Joel: But it's for a GOOD reason! >Casting >Anno Hideaki >Sadamoto Yoshiyuki >John Woo >Wang Du Lu >Takeuchi Naoko Tom: Wha? John Woo? WHERE?!? Crow: Geez, first Mission Impossible II and now this! John's really sliding. >Song lyrics >Bart Howard Mike: And let's not forget the ultimate script consultants... Sheryl Crow, KD Lang, DJ Croft, and Anne Heche! Tom: Personal assistant to Asuka: Lisa Foster. Crow: And special thanks to the 'cut' and 'paste' commands for making this fic possible. >* Blooper * Joel: Damn you, Dick Clark and Ed McMahon! You stay out of this! >"Stop!" Asuka and Rei turned towards the voice. The chocolate-faced >youth held his blade at Hikari's throat. "Or I'll cut off her pretty face!" Mike: Ha, I dare you! She doesn't even have a dotted line for you to follow! Tom: When organ theft goes too far. >"Let her go, or I'll..." Asuka began. >"Or you'll what?" the youth interrupted. "What are you going to do..." Joel: I'll ask you again! Crow: Aww man, not that! Here, I give up! >"Ikari-kun," Rei called. "Please help us." >The leader looked under the ice-cream stand, Shinji's hiding >place. "Get up!" He grabbed Shinji's hand, lifted the boy onto his feet, >then held his blade at Shinji's throat. Mike: Hey! The real Shinji showed up! Tom: Wow! Whoda thunk that it took a BLOOPER for the author to get him right? Crow: Oh my god, he's finally snapped! Somebody call security! Joel: Now then... let's talk about renegotiating my contract. >"Please, don't hurt me," Shinji cried. >The youths laughed. "Is this a joke!?" the leader asked. >"Are you the heroic Eva pilot who killed three Angels!?" Tom: No, Rei did all the work. I swear it! Crow: Umm, I use a giant mecha. Let me go get it and then we'll see who's the coward here. Joel: No, my name's Irwin and I'm just trying to get my big break! If I blow this, it'll be back to PA'ing again! >"Break his arms!" Asuka ordered. >"S^1 will not do so," Rei said. "S^1 has an aversion to violence." Joel: S^1? The missing guard from Sailor Jupiter Vs. Godzilla is here? Mike: Well, that explains why it's called the S2 organ, I guess. >"Do I have to do everything myself!?" Asuka complained, pulling up her >skirt. >"Oh, yeah!" the youths cheered. "She's my bitch!" "Pink! Pink! Pink! >Pink..." Then they saw Asuka's thigh holster. Crow: Uhhh... gun! gun! gun! Run away! Run away! >Bang! Hikari's captor fell, cradling his bleeding genitals. Asuka pulled >the trigger, castrating the two youths who were fighting Rei. Mike: Asuka, master of the crotch chop. Tom: I GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA! SUCK IT!!! Joel: Man, why was this scene cut from the original? It has more action than most of the fic! >The leader released Shinji, who instinctively put his hands in front of his >groin. Mike: You went over my helmet?!? Crow: N-no, not over! M-m-more to the side a-actually!! Joel: The Schwartz is not one with this fic. >"Please, don't hurt me," he cried. Asuka ignored him. >"Was that necessary?" Hikari asked, staring at the blood. Tom: No, but boy is it fun! >"Self-defense." Asuka holstered her .357 SIG automatic. Crow:... which immediately pulled her panties down because it was too damn heavy for a concealed holster. Mike: So, when did the Japanese pass those conceal-carry laws for fourteen-year-olds anyway? Joel: Right after Hong Kong rose out of the sea like Atlantis. >"Where's Psycho Gunner? Mike: THANKFULLY not present! >"S^2? He's being tested," answered S^1, the original Shinji. >"What's he being tested for?" Asuka asked. "Paranoia? Schizophrenia?" Crow: Gills. Joel: Hormonal imbalance? Mike: Standard god-boy testing. Tom: Figures. They SHOULD check him for rampant OOCness if they were smart... >"His response to sexual stimuli," S^1 answered. "Kaoru-kun is >administering the test." Joel: So if they had the original Shinji there all along, why didn't they USE him? Mike: If you were the original Shinji, would you participate in this? Crow: The original Shinji has disavowed any knowledge or participation in this fanfic. Tom: Any similarity between the original Shinji and the clone is a miracle. Joel: Maybe they ran overbudget with the cast and had to bring in an extra out of "Gladiator"? Crow: Nah, Keanu Reeves just needed to keep in practice before he started filming Matrix 2 >Asuka laughed. "Hey, Wonder Girl!" she called. "Tell me what you >think. Who'll be the first to get their butt plugged? Psycho Gunner, >or Angel Boy?" Joel: This is one long blooper! When do we get to the botched lines and repeated flubs caused by involuntary laughter? At least give us a faulty prop or something! Crow: Laughter? In this fic? All that does is cause more tears. Drip. Drip. Mike: By now, it should be "plop plop" and "fizz fizz". >"Neither," Rei answered. "S^2's concern about his image has induced >homophobia. He will reject Nagisa-kun's advances." Crow: Oh, pshaw. Now if S2 willingly went into, say, "Gundam Wing" and made it out without a marked increase in bishounen-ness, THEN I'd be impressed. Mike: Yeah, like Kaworu is going to take no for an answer anyway. Pick up the soap, Shinji! >"Why did you say that?" Asuka asked. >Zoom! Nagisa Kaoru flew over a skyscraper, then broke the sound barrier. Crow: The sound effects are so bad that a sonic boom is characterized by a "Zoom"? Tom: Ha ha ha! Hey, that was funny! Let see Shinji fly into a jet's turbine now! >"Kaoru!" S^1 called. Zoom! A silver Eva flew over a skyscraper, swept >its wings, then broke the sound barrier. Joel: Mach 3! The ultimate razor that'll have your face feeling like a dolphin's skin in no time! Tom: Oh, is this the same Kaoru who can _control_ EVAs? Just checking. Crow: Able to leap over tall buildings in a single bound! Super Nagisa! >Cannon barrels extended from the Eva's forearms. Boom, boom, boom! >Boom, boom, boom! Shells slammed against Kaoru's AT Field. Mike: Sound effects provided by a bunch of 2 year olds. Crow: ... doing absolutely nothing. Finally get an EVA fight and it's as a throwaway omake. Joel: Well, at least the fic tries to go out on a high note... Tom: Suddenly, I have a tremendous urge to practice some school cheers. Crow: Boom-Boom-Boom! Rah-Rah-Rah! Sis-Boom-Bah! >"Please, don't hurt him!" S^1 ran after the Eva. Boom! Crack! A shell >penetrated the Field, then shattered Kaoru's skull. "Noooo!" Crow: BOOMSHAKALACKA! Mike: I guess this will have to pass for humor until actual humor can be found. Joel: I dunno about you guys, but characters named "S-carat-1" don't leave me very sympathetic. Tom: Or the fact that even the EVAs and Angels are OOC in this. >"A woman's intuition," Rei answered. >"Is that the PLA Eva?" Hikari asked, staring at the red star on the Eva's >shoulder. "It's pretty." Joel: Aww, come on. They just stole the design from a Battletech book. Tom: Why, yes it is. But don't call me EVA! Mike: Plaeva? sounds like something from health class. >Asuka sighed. "Idiots." Joel: Of all the bloopers, in all the fanfics, based on all the series, in all the anime in all the world... I had to get stuck in this one. Tom: YES! You tell 'em Asuka! They're all idiots! Mike: Ruri Hoshino, eat your heart out! Crow: And only at the end, did someone speak the truth... but it was too late for the Johnsonville Brat.... **** "And that's the end of my lecture," Dr. Forrester said triumphantly. "Now does anyone have any questions?" "Um, I think everyone's left, Dr. F," TV's Frank meekly said as he looked out into the empty room. "And where did they go?" Dr. Forrester inquired as he glared at Frank. "To the wet T-shirt contest, of course!" Frank exclaimed. "AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?!?" Dr. Forrester bellowed. "That was the part I was most looking forward to!" "But, But.." Frank stuttered nervously. "You said the lecture was more important than anything." "NOTHING is more important than fan service and free beer!" Dr. Forrester explained angrily. "Now let's hurry up so we can catch the tail end of the contest!" "But what about the end of the MST?" Frank asked. "Who cares about it? We've got wet T-shirts to go to!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed as he left the room. Frank just shrugged and followed him outside, leaving the room empty except for a man that looked surprisingly close to, but nothing like, John Cleese. "And that's the MST," The man started as he sat down behind a desk with a microphone. "In other news, all Dark Kingdom generals and other minions of evil are advised to be on the watch for Minky Momo. She is driving a large monster truck and has already run over Jadeite, Galaxia, and the entire starting line up of the 1972 Philadelphia Flyers." The man shuffled some papers aimlessly before he continued, "And in lieu of a proper ending of this fic, we shall now move on to something completely different, the Authors Notes." [Authors Notes] The author, who is not Miwa, would like to thank the following shows for inspiring the Host segments. Monty Python, The Tick, John Biles MST of Natsumi the Magical Girl (Which isn't a shameless plug, nope, not at all...Honest!) and the Simpsons. A big thanks for Long Tsun for letting us do this MST, and all the riffers and editors that helped make this possible. Extra special thanks to Megane 6.7 and Ammadeau just because! Riffers for this MST were: Richard Beaubien (Not Miwa), Ammadeau, Lerche, Kaworu, Zoogz, SKJAM, Megane6.7 Editors for this MST were: Richard Beaubien (Who is Really not Miwa), Lerche, Zoogz, Megane 6.7 Additional Riff editing done by: Megane 6.7 Host Segments written by: Richard Beaubien (Who is, honestly, not Miwa...Really) >The laser sights' beams touched Asuka's and Rei's assailants. Bang, bang! Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....