*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE) EPISODE 42: MY KID'S AN ALIEN! PT. 2 (A Urusei Yatsura MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "My Kid's An Alien!" is the property of Andrew D. Johnson and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;) (Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.) (Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you as you pass through.) (Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.) (Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile before proceeding.) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously, looking for moat monsters.) (Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.) Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >MY KID'S AN ALIEN!-Chapter 3 Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction >story Rumiko Takahashi is the creator of UY, and holds all rights to >the series and characters. But even after I wrote this nice disclaimer, >she still turned down this story for a possible manga idea! Can you >believe that? Joel: OK, the author's insane. I can buy that. Crow: I hear J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. like those submissions... >Barren, sandy wastes stretching as far as the eye could see, only broken >now and then by a few isolated, craggy mountain peaks. The only >plants were gray sagebrush and strange-looking Joshua trees. As soon >as they passed through the bustle of Las Vegas, the land turned starkly >empty. Tom: Undaunted, the fellowship ventured forth... past the bunny ranches of Mustang, through the glowing valley of Yucca Flats to the spewing volcano of the Mirage. >They only passed a few houses and cars on the road. After spending all >his life in crowded Japan, Ataru Moroboshi was left dumbfounded by >the emptiness of Nevada. Crow: So much space... THIS is where I'll put my future harem! >This would certainly be the right place to put a top- secret military base >to examine UFOs and alien beings like Lum and her friends and family. Tom: Yes, but it would ALSO be the right place for a festive centerpiece. Paranoid much? >The gang was crammed into a Dodge minivan, driven now by Sakura as >Mendo navigated. They had stopped in the flyspeck California town of >Baker at a place called Militia Mike's Paramilitary Outfitters, which >promised, "Everything you need to start your own revolution!" Joel: Is this still Urusei Yatsura or Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas? >There they had bought Army-style camouflage uniforms, grappling >hooks, flashlights, soldier boots, tear gas, and guns and ammo galore. >They weren't going to dissect Ataru's girl, not then, never. Crow: I should hope not... considering they're supposed to be RESCUING her! >"Okay," Mendo instructed. "Make a turn at the next main road. They >call it the 'Extraterrestrial Highway'. Joel: Right next to Trumpy Towers? >About 20 more miles and you'll pass through a little town called Rachel. >Another 5 miles past that and we'll come to a black mailbox. Then >you'll wanna turn left there onto a dirt road, which we'll lead up to the >entrance of the restricted area. Tom: Or the Valley Lodge, I'm not really sure. >"Thanks. You make a good navigator," Sakura complimented. "We're >making good time here, people! Let's not let anything hold us back!" Joel: The rain and thunder! The wind and haze! I'm bound for better days...! Crow: It's my life... and my dream...! Joel: Nothing's going to stop me now! Hit it, Uncle! Tom: Wah wah wah, wah wah, wah wah, wah wah, wahhhhhh.... >"I have to go to the bathroom," Cherry spoke up. >"Whaaat? Oh no!" she groaned. "Didn't I tell everyone to go before we >left the diner after lunch?" >"Yes, but I was too busy eating," he answered. "Please?" he pleaded. >"You know what? You've been nothing but a third wheel on this trip so >far!" Sakura snapped. "You can just wet your robe for all I care!" >Cherry said nothing in response. He just got up and shoved a CD into >the player. A familiar song came out: Tom: There's... a bathroom... on the right.... Crow: That's not how the song goes! >"Don't go chasin' waterfalls, please stick to the rivers and the lakes like >you're used to." When that was done; "Free fall flow, river, flow, on >and on it goes, breathe underwater till the end." Then, "Here comes >the rain again, falling on my head like a memory.", then, "I'm siiiiiingin' >in the rain." By now everyone in the van was sweating and looking fit >to burst. Crow: For pity's sake, I really hope the eject button was broken on that player. Joel: Bladder relief takes a back seat to comic relief. Tom: And said comic relief also belongs in the toilet. >"All right!" Sakura shouted. "I'll stop at this next place!" She pulled >into a small eatery called the Little Ale'Inn. They were now in the >almost-forgotten hamlet of Rachel, Nevada, on the fringes of the >notorious Area 51. Crow: Little Ale'Inn! On the list of America's Fifty Sleaziest Tourist Traps! Joel: After this, can we visit the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota? >All high-tailed it for the restrooms, except for Ataru. He had been >listening to music on his headphones (reading in the car had made him >nauseous all his life) and had actually fallen asleep in the backseat. Since >everyone thought it would just be a few minutes, and he just looked so >peaceful back there (in the words of his mother), no one bothered to >wake him up. Crow: And of course, those ingrates forgot to crack the windows... the pale angry shade of Ataru currently haunts bordellos all through Nevada. >There was only one door in the place marked "RESTROOMS". Sakura >tried to open it, but to everyone's horror, it seemed to be locked! Tom: Hello, folks? You're in Nevada. "America's Pit Toilet". >The soda jerk, a chubby, wrinkled old man in a starched white uniform, >standing behind the old-fashioned counter, smiled at her wickedly. >"Sorry to tell ya, ma'am, but that there bathroom's for payin' customers >only." Joel: And no pee pee dancing, not allowed. >Sakura could speak English fluently, and she replied with terror, >"You're kidding." >"I never kid anyone, ma'am. Look around, there's plenty o' stuff to buy." Crow: The quality's a bit shoddy, but it's either this or dragging the scene out longer. >He gestured to a multitude of stuffed alien dolls (which looked like the >famous bug-eyed "grays", not like Onis), shirts with silly messages like >"I Want to Believe", "I Got Probed by the Reptoids and all I got was >this Lousy T-shirt", "Beam Me Up, Scotty", "E.T. Phone Earth-We >Miss You!", and "Next time Let the Wookie Win". The latter showed >C-3PO from "Star Wars" with his arms torn off. Tom: What? No Battlestar Galactica!? How could you forget to mention Battlestar Galactica?!? Joel: I was more in the market for a Tom Servo plushie. >There were also coffee mugs, posters, bumper stickers, anything to >satisfy your average UFO enthusiast. "Say! Where're you folks from, >anyhoo?" Tom: Death-To-Hicksville. Crow: See that sign up there? "Smiles - Free"? Well, I'm gonna have to charge you now. >"We're from Japan, and by the way, we don't wanna buy any of your >crap so we can use your bathroom!" >"Now looky here, honey. You don't have to get rude. But we can't have >just anyone who has to pee runnin' in an' out of our facilities without >buying something. Otherwise we'd never make a profit!" Joel: Guys... you've got the richest man in Japan with you, just buy some jerky and GET ON WITH IT! >Sakura seized him by the collar and pulled him halfway up onto the >counter. "I don't think it would be wise to carry on like that. Now, >either you give us the keys to the restroom, or I'm gonna do something >to you. And I don't know what that something is, because everyone >always does what I say." Tom: Funny thing about Nevada... it tends to make a gambling man out of ya. >The soda jerk gulped and handed her the key. Sakura eagerly threw open >the door, but they all screamed at what was inside. There was only one >toilet, and it was filthy. Crow: Whoops, looks like it's time to paint the seat white again! >Meanwhile , while Sakura and company had been arguing inside the >Little A'LeInn, both Ataru and Ten yawned as they finally woke up >again. Joel: A-Are we married? Crow: I don't know! >The sky was opaque blue with high clouds, and a chilly winter wind cut >across the desert, convincing Ataru to tuck in his jacket further. Tom: Geez, Ataru, you can only cram so much of that thing into your BVDs. >"Jeez, what a bleak place this is," Ataru said, gazing at the empty spaces >with awe. "Kinda reminds me of Mars," Ten answered. Crow: It needs women. >"So Lum-chan, all her friends, and my aunt and uncle are being >imprisoned somewhere out there. I hope they don't do anything nasty >to them!" Joel: Like... imprison them? Tom: Don't worry, Barry Manilow's still in Las Vegas. >"Welp," Ataru reassured him, "we're gonna see to it that that doesn't >happen, starting tomorrow morning. Heck, I'm not just in it for the >sex, although I do want some more of that as soon as Lum as her baby. Crow: Sore, schmore! I want my booty back, booty back, booty back... >I.I really do love Lum-chan now. And now that she's about to have my >child." He sighed. "I honestly don't know for sure if we're gonna >succeed, I mean, breaking into a top-security American military base, >getting all those aliens out of there in one piece.it's gonna take a >guerrilla army like ours." Tom: Sure thing, Snake. What can I put you down for, a SOCOM or a Nikita? >"B-but, I believe we can succeed, man," Ten answered. "All we can do >at this point is have faith in ourselves. Hey, why are we talking like an >after-school special all of a sudden?" "I dunno," Ataru responded, >"Maybe because we just don't have any important things to say at the >moment, I guess." He kicked a pebble. Crow: Wow, I never knew you were so existential! Joel: We are... we are all innocent... >"Say, that's a pretty big truck coming our way on the highway," he >muttered, talking about a metallic humming sound that seemed to be >growing louder. Crow: Run for your lives! The cacti here are BIONIC!! Joel: Ten, did you whistle up the Gundam? >"Ahh.Ataru-chan, look behind you," Ten spurted, pointing skyward and >behind Ataru. He glanced behind, and his eyes bugged out. Joel: The 50 foot woman picked a bad time to attack Nevada. Tom: Y'KNOW, WITH A LITTLE RED HAIR DYE, I THINK YOU COULD HELP ME PUT MY GIGANTA FETISH BEHIND ME, ONCE AND FOR ALL! >Heading towards them was a large Oni ship! Both started screaming >when the tiger-striped metal behemoth hovered just about a hundred >feet above the ground, casting two bright lights on them. Both felt >strangely frozen in place, and the entire world turned white and >invisible around them. Crow: My god, they shaved the Earth! It's... It's nothing more than a cue-ball now! Tom: Victor Kiam would be proud. >When the light dimmed, three burly Oni guards in full uniform stood >before them both, weapons drawn. "So, Earthling," one of them >growled. "Evidently your little plot to capture Urusian citizens and >hold them for ransom is working somewhat well." >"Urusians? Ransom? What are you talking about?" Ataru gasped, >pleading his case. Joel: That's it, we just wanted to pay you a compliment. You can go now. Crow: I didn't get to that mission yet, I'm still having too much fun running over pedestrians! >"Don't play the fool with us, Earthling. Tom: OK, I'll play the wandering minstrel. Crow: If by "fool" you mean "super-awesome halfling level 45 rogue", guilty as charged! >We should have seen this all along-you propose to and seduce the >daughter of one of our most powerful warlord families, then >impregnate her with your child so as to claim that you are related to an >Oni, if only by marriage. Joel: Yeah, the Invaders are right up there with the Baldwins. Tom: Dude, lay off the Jeremy Spangler. >Then on you wedding day, you and the main governments of Earth >kidnap several Urusians, including the aforementioned Invader family, >and will only return them on condition of a ransom! Perhaps all our >planet's money or natural resources, or ownership of Planet Uru itself! >Well, 'tis quite a pity that your little scheme failed!" Crow: Oni Guard by Dinner Theater Reject. >"No, no, no. I did impregnate and marry Lum, but because I love her! >And I'm trying to rescue her and her friends and family from the >American government, which is holding them prisoner!" Joel: Tell them, Foam! Tell them what you told me! >"We'll see what the Uru Parliament has to say about that!" barked >another guard. "Take him to his cell, men! And as for you, Ten, for >your allegiance with the Earthling enemies, you are to be punished as >well!" Ten screamed and tried to escape, but the guards soon captured >him, and sent him and Ataru to a cell deep within the ship. Joel: We'll send 'em cheesy movies! The worst... ever made! Tom: Push the button, Ten. Crow: You do it, I'm bitter. >"Well, I guess that's that," Ataru sighed as he watched the ship lift off >through the cell window. Below he could see the mountains and >desert vanish below him, and the landscape spread out like a gigantic >model railroad set. The air started to turn thin blue, with the >blackness of space above, and he could also now see the Earth's curve. Crow: Mmm, nice. Tom: The view is magnificent, isn't it? The only good thing about alien abduction! >But Ataru didn't feel enthralled, not only since he had already been into >space before and seen this view, but also because this time he was on >his way to being tried on Lum's planet for a crime he didn't commit. Tom: Fortunately the Oni locked them in a cell filled with spare parts, shop machines and several boxes of dynamite. Joel: We've got an hour till Decker gets here, let's get to work. >"And now." he sobbed, some tears dripping from his eyes, "I'm never >gonna see her again! I'll never see my child being born, or my parents, >or my friends.or my planet." "Don't worry," Ten encouraged, patting >his newfound friend on the back. "I helped you get out of the talk-show >fiasco; I'll help you get out of this one too." Tom: I need a hair-dryer, three safety pins, the elastic from a pair of safety goggles and a jug of apple vinegar.... Joel: Oh, so THAT'S what MacGyver would do. >As soon as he said that, the ship lurched suddenly and unnervingly. >They felt the pilot try to steer back on course briefly, but something >was pulling at the ship. "Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "What's happening?" Crow: Let's just say Earthlings aren't the only ones that can't drive a stick shift. >"Wait a second," Ten thought. "I could see out the window. Now, if I >remember my preschool universe geography class, the quickest way >to reach Planet Uru from that point of Earth is by taking off at a >40-degree angle bearing southeast relative to the Earth's equator. >Ohmigod! That trajectory would take us right over.the Atlantic >Wormhole!" Tom: We're just flying by the seat of our pants at this point, huh? Crow: The backstory was so seamless, it was almost like witnessing the bathroom argument. >"Wh-what's that?" Ataru gasped. >"Well, you may have heard from Lum that there are numerous holes in >the space-time continuum, as well as between dimensions. Oyuki uses >those to travel back and forth through the universe." >"Uh-huh." Joel: Yeah yeah, I've seen Sliders. Great show till the Professor died. Your point? >"All wormholes are basically hazards in space travel. Some have actually >been closed or shrunk over the years, but some, such as the Great >Florida Wormhole, remain treacherous and are to be avoided, sort of >like riptides at the beach. This wormhole is actually what caused all the >Bermuda Triangle disappearances over the years." Tom: Or so the Caponians at the Phone Company would have you believe. Crow: I have it on good authority that it was all mermaid-related! >Ataru's eyes widened. "Y-you m-m-mean." >"Yep," Ten breathed, with a nonetheless petrified expression on his face. >"Brace yourself. We're about to be taken who knows where.or when." Tom: No shit, Vera Lynn. >With nothing else to do, both held onto each other and screamed all the >way down as the ship swirled downward into the small, invisible hole. Joel: In space, no one cares if you flush. >Fortunately, when the ship made its passage, the two opened their eyes >to find they were still alive. Best of all, out the window they could see >planet Earth. But was it the same planet Earth they had come to know? >What was down there? Crow: Sensors detect nine billion life forms... all humpback whales? >That question momentarily left their minds as they started to reenter >Earth's atmosphere. The window glowed reddish-orange, the entire >craft rattled and roared, and Ataru could feel the pressure building to >the breaking point in his ears. Crow: I'd kill for a Metaluna tube about now. >Although he had never been very religious, he actually started praying >that the ship would not break up. Tom: Ataru felt better though seeing the whale and bowl of petunias out of the window. >Eventually the strange colors faded away, and far below they could make >out the blackness of night. In just a few minutes, as the ship neared the >Earth's surface, night gave way to day again. Now they seemed to be >over some water, like an ocean. Fortunately this was soon passed, and >now they seemed to be coming in over land. Joel: I thought the brown spots were soft and the blue spots were hard?!? >But which continent was it? It seemed rather arid, like they were back >in the Nevada desert again. But how could they be over America again >after flying in the same direction. Then Ataru remembered that since the >Earth is a sphere, flying constantly without any directional change would >eventually bring them back to the same spot. Crow: So THAT'S the theory behind this narration. >Seeing the towns and features below growing larger, Ataru and Ten both >braced themselves for impact. Even sturdy Urusian fibers couldn't handle >the ship's tremendous impact. On touchdown, it broke into two pieces, >which flew in separate directions. Tom: THIS ISN'T HOW I WANTED TO PAINT THE TOWN REDDDDDDDD...!!! >One landed in a nearby field. The rear section, in which Ataru and Ten >were seated, landed in a lake, and was cushioned by cutting a path on >its muddy bank. As it had been a prisoner-cargo ship, the cell in which >the two had been imprisoned was built to withstand the toughest abuse. >Also, any airline pilot will tell you that the safest seats are in back. Crow: And THAT'S why you see the pilots run to the rear of the plane before they crash. Joel: Yeah, and the screaming makes them run faster. >The two struggled out, then dove away when they realized the soft mud >they had landed in was actually quicksand. >"Whoa!" Ataru gasped, still not quite believing in what had just happened. >"At least we're back on Earth, but where on Earth?" Tom: Obviously the soggy and swampy part of Nevada... Crow: Thank heaven! There's a sign... "Plot - 3 Miles". >The landscape was that of a desert, with craggy mountains in the >distance, and rolling, barren hills making up the scenery. The small lake >in which the ship had crashed was surrounded by shady tamarisk and >cottonwood trees. Joel: If my mom were here, she'd be snapping pictures by now. >Not far away stood a barn, a worn-looking farmhouse, and an >old-fashioned windmill. The two were still trying to take it all in when >they heard a voice. Crow: I may be blind but I can still tell when someone's staring at my chest. >"Hey, git off my property! Don't make me break out my gun!" The two >screamed and quickly dashed away. Fortunately, they found a dirt path >which led out of the farmer's property. This was a relief; at least they >seemed to be back in modern times now. Joel: Actually, I'm fairly sure that farmers have acted like that for decades now... and when was time-travel even hinted at? Tom: Oh, did I forget to mention the time travel? That must mean I didn't bring up the whole "America is dystopia" subplot either... whoops! >A main highway lay beyond the gate, but it seemed to be out in the >middle of nowhere. Ataru thought of hitching a ride to the next town, >but Ten reminded him, "This is America. No one stops for hitchhikers >here." Crow: Tell that to Page Fletcher. >So Ataru decided to foot it, and Ten decided to fly it. Some cars did >pass them, but they all looked rather old, like from the 1940's. Strange. >There must have been a classic car convention somewhere around. >Eventually they reached the outskirts of a small American town, with >low-slung houses and small shops. But something was very strange >there. Not just a few, but all of the cars were, large, chromed monsters >from the '40s. Joel: Wow, my neighborhood could live in that car. >A boutique they passed had male mannequins clad in fedora hats and >zoot suits, and the female ones in frilly dresses and poodle skirts. Crow: And in the next storefront over, the people were doing the jitterbug and complaining about Calvin Coolidge... err, no, Dwight Eisenhower? >An electronics store sold mostly ancient-looking radios with elaborately >designed speakers and dial tuners. Everyone was gazing at a primitive >television set that basically looked like a radio with a tiny screen only >about five inches across. Crow: OKAY, author, we get it. It's the 1940's. Joel: Or Gotham City. >Also, all the mostly white people were giving Ataru dirty looks, probably >because he was Japanese. Ten was by now toddling along the sidewalk >instead of flying, so as not to avert attention. Tom: Let's see... Green hair. Horn on head. Bumblebee outfit. Best of luck! >The radios in the electronics store were blaring out something by Benny >Goodman. "Aghh!" Ataru gasped. Crow: Oh god, the jazz! My ears are bleeding again! I can feel the flow! >"Where are we? When are we?" He ducked into a chrome-lined soda >fountain, Joel: Great, we're in Willy Wonka's factory now. Tom: Somehow I just can't feel the fizz. >which again looked like something out of "Back to the Future". Crow: Hint, damn you! HINT!! >"Uhh, hello sir," Ataru babbled in his rusty English to the starched- white >soda jerk. "Where am I?" >"I'll tell you where you shouldn't be, boy," the jerk answered. "In here. >This establishment is whites-only." >"Uhh, what did you say?" Tom: No wonder they're called jerks. Joel: And if you want more epithets, you have to buy something first! >"I said we don't serve your kind here. Please leave." Ataru only picked >up bits and pieces of what he was saying, but he got the message, and >left. But first he asked one more question. Crow: Uhh, Mister.... Pedro... why do you care about my skin color? Tom: Are bigots better grilled or baked? Ten, your thoughts? >"Look, could you just tell me what town this is? We are going on a long >trip now." >The man rolled his eyes. "This is Roswell, New Mexico. Now leave >before I call the police." Joel: Forget it, Clem, I'm NOT coming over there anymore. Yesterday, you thought that the cacti were naked... Tom: They STILL ARE! >Roswell! Was that true? It couldn't be. But it all seemed to add up, what >with the antique cars and clothes all around him. As he walked out the >door, Ataru glanced at a newspaper kept on a rack by the door. >The date was July 9, 1947. Crow: Those sad Roswellians have been reprinting that newspaper for the gullible rubes for fifty-five years now. >Ataru's eyes rolled back in his head, and he sank to the ground. So it was >true. The Oni spacecraft they had been on had actually been the famous >UFO that had crashed at Roswell and set off the modern UFO craze. It >was the last thought passing through Ataru's mind as he sank into >unconciousness yet again. Joel: Well that and "Ooh, what pretty headlights!" >"Ataru! Hey Ataru, wake up!" Ten called, patting his cheeks as people >stopped to take a look. Tom: Does anyone have the mental image of a little Oni boy mooning a comatose Japanese teenager here? >So! What will become of Ataru? Will he ever see his pals, or his alien >wife, again? If so, how will they find him again? The answer is up to >you! Send me a review and an idea of how the next chapter in this story >should go! I'll base the next chapter of "My Kid's an Alien!" on your >idea, maybe even on a combination of two or three! So don't delay, >kiddies! Ataru's fate is up to you! Crow: One vote for "Ataru will be Sailor Roswell!" Joel: One vote for "Ataru discovers the true meaning of Christmas! Tom: One vote for "Ataru becomes the next American Idol!" >MY KID'S AN ALIEN!- Chapter 4, or "The Invasion of the Oni >Snatchers" Another "Urusei Yatsura" fanfiction story The characters >of "UY" were created by Rumiko Takahashi. Everything else is mine, >sort of. Joel: Except for the goofballs, that's, uh, my roomate's. >Ataru awoke from his swoon in a bed in a darkened room. "Mom?" he >called out, noticing someone. "Mom, is that you?" Crow: OK, see, this is more about Ataru's sex life than I EVER wanted to know. Joel: No wonder he was a guest on Spangler. >"There, there now," answered a feminine voice, coming from a lady >moving in front of an open window, which provided the only light in >the room. "You've been asleep for about two hours now." Tom: You wore my ass out, Mrs. McFly. >"Oh man," he groaned. Joel: If I'm playing some 18th century hick with a nasty bowler hat... just throw me to the cows. >"I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed an alien girl fell in love with me. >She was carrying my child.and we got married. And then I traveled >back in time!" Joel: Oh, that's just the jello. It's been known to possess hallucinogenic properties. >"Well, you're safe and sound now," she consoled him. ".back here in >good old 1947." >"1947!" he gasped, sitting up and turning on a bedside light. "Hey, >you're not my mom!" Crow: My mom could never afford those gazongas. >"Well, no," answered the pleasant blonde nurse in front of him. "Lou >Statler of Lou's Café said you passed out in front of his place, perhaps >due to heat stroke. It does get pretty hot here in New Mexico in the >summer." Tom: Yep, mighty sunny today... perfect weather for enjoying one of Lou Statler's world famous ice cream sundaes, wouldn't you say? Crow: Uh, miss? Tom: That's Lou Statler of Lou's Café on First and State Street! Try their scrumptious cherry pie too! >"Y-you can speak Japanese?" >"Hai. My dad actually used to work for the Japanese Embassy, so I >learned the language in high school. I'm actually a trainee now." She >smiled and sat down in a chair next to the hospital bed. "So, what are >you doing here?" Joel: Oops, almost forgot to turn on my wire. Tom: It's a massive coincidence to find a medical professional in a one-stop-sign town who speaks Japanese well enough to communicate with me entirely... so I shall happily unburden my soul to you! >"Uhh," Ataru realized he had to make up an alibi quick. "My.parents in >Japan were killed during the bombing of Tokyo. I've been living in an >orphanage since the end of the war, and now I'm here to.see if I can >move in with my aunt." Crow: I mourn my fireflies. >"Oh my! That's so sad," she emphatically responded, rubbing a wet >washcloth on his forehead. Clad in her white '40s-vintage hospital >uniform, and with the lamplight coming in from the side, she looked >like one of those American pinup girls from World War II. Joel: This must be one of those blond bombshells I've heard so much about! >Ataru's heart sped up a little as he pictured the two together on a >tropical beach, where no one could see them, both wearing very little. >No. He had to get those thoughts out of his head now. Tom: Well, I see ONE part of you is well on the road to recovery. >He was married to the infinitely more gorgeous Lum, who was now >pregnant with his child. He wanted a happy, stable family, with as little >electric shocks from Lum as possible. But then another question came >to mind. Crow: Got a defibrillator? I'm feeling a bit nostalgic for home. >He had traveled 55 years back in time through a wormhole by a spaceship >which was now destroyed; its occupants dead. Sakura, Mendo, and all >the rest had no idea what had happened to him and Jariten. So the >question was now, would he ever see Lum again? She wouldn't even be >born for about 40 years. Tom: This had better not be one of those "I'm my own father" fanfics, author... >"Uhh, heh heh," he began, his dirty grin on his face. "If you're not doing >anything tonight." >"I'm sorry," she answered. "I already have a boyfriend. He's a soldier at >the nearby army base." Crow: Look out the window, the twelfth bush on the left... he's right there, sighting you in. >Ataru's heart momentarily sank. But there were still plenty of fish in the >sea! "Uhh, I think I'm better now, ma'am," he told the nurse. "Can I go >now?" >"Well, your tests don't seem to show any real health problems or signs >of heat stroke. So I guess you're free to go. Now about your bill." >A lightning flash struck Ataru's brain. Joel: ...I'm afraid it's now $40,000. Crow: L-Lum! *cough* You found me! >His bank account obviously didn't exist yet, plus credit cards did not yet >exist in the 1940s. Crow: Indentured servitude, on the other hand... >"Er, I don't have much money on me now." >"Well then, since this didn't take much effort or time, we can bill your >aunt later." >"Oh, well thanks then. Okay!" Ataru got out of the bed and waved >goodbye to the nurse. Joel: OK, let's see, service of payment to... "Aunt." There! Tom: I bet that's the most eager he's ever been to leave a bed with a woman beside it. >Ten had been hiding in a closet once again, and followed Ataru out of >the hospital. "I can't believe you!" he snapped. "Why are you not only >making promises you don't intend to keep, and making passes at other >girls again?" Crow: Because Ten's voyeurism and unwillingness to help is certainly more noble. Tom: You know, the world back in that wardrobe is a heckuva lot more interesting than the drivel you're dealing with. >"Think about it, buddy boy," Ataru explained. "We're basically stuck here >in the '40s now. I'm probably never gonna see Lum again, so I might as >well look for more girls." Joel: So it took going back fifty-five years for Ataru to be... Ataru? Tom: Really, it was only a matter of time. >"Then don't you think you should worry about getting a job and finding >a house and improving your English first, or maybe finding a way back >to Japan, instead of going right back to girl hunting?" >"So, I'll just pick up someone at a bar and move in with her." Tom: Hey Carla, that weird Japanese kid is back. Crow: You're spending the night with Ataru Garvin, Male Prostitute! >"God," Ten muttered. "This is why you need Lum-chan! She kept you in >line at least! And by the way, we're in the 1940s! People had stronger >morals and values back then.I mean now!" Crow: Yeah, like racism... sexism... anti-Semitism... bigotry.... >"Oh really?" Ataru asked, pointing to a GI driving by in an early Jeep >filled with laughing girls, and to a burlesque hall at the other end of >the block. Ten sighed. There just wasn't any stopping this beast. Joel: Ataru's going to trigger the Sexual Revolution? I always wondered if aliens had something to do with the 60s. >Ataru used about half of his cash (he had exchanged his yen for dollars >before the time warp) to rent a swanky white zoot suit, a felt fedora hat, >and a pair of shiny leather boots. "Heh heh," he said, admiring himself >in a mirror, "I don't know what your plans are for tonight, Ten-chan, >but as for me, I'm going a-girl hunting!" Tom: If you need me, I'll be at Jay Gatsby's place. Crow: Most people, when going bowling, only bother renting the shoes. >Some 55 years later and 700 miles away, the Tomobiki Six was in a panic. >"Ataaaaaaaaaaru!!!" called Sakura. "Ten-chaaaaaannnnnnnnn!!! Where >could they have gone?" Joel: Mustang Ranch? >"I-I don't know what to say," Shinobu gasped. "They're both nowhere to >be found." >"Rghh! That damned Moroboshi!" Mendo muttered, kicking some dirt. >"I should've known he would go off girl hunting and ruin this mission! >Why did we bother bringing him along?" >"Uh, remember he was kidnapped by that talk-show host? And besides, >he is married to Lum now!" Shinobu argued. Tom: You've been able to follow this plot? You're our new navigator! >"Also, what girls is he going to hunt out here?" She gestured to the >barren Nevada wastelands stretching around them in all directions. As >if to drive her point home, the only sounds to be heard after her >comment were those of the wind and a hawk screaming in the distance. Crow: GET OFF ME, YOU LECH! Dammit, Vixen, stop laughing! >"You know what Moroboshi is capable of. He's probably having a >mirage and making out with a Joshua tree right now." Tom: I wonder how long it'd take for him to realize his "girlfriend" has more wood than he does. >"Shutaro!" snapped Mrs. Moroboshi, obviously a bit edgy due to her son >going missing. "Ataru has changed now. I don't know about you, but I >see something different and more wholesome in him. So I don't >appreciate your deprecating comments." Joel: This has to be the longest bathroom break in road trip history. Crow: Clark Griswold would have packed all the dead bodies and tied them up to the car by now. >"Besides," Shinobu added, "why would he bring Ten along if he were >going girl-hunting?" Tom: Because women respond better to pets. >"Hey, I don't plan to do this search all by myself!" Sakura called. "Quit >cackling like hens and let's look around. You too, Mr. Moroboshi!" But >Ataru's dad was sitting in the dining room, gazing at the TV. CNN was >on, playing something that sounded important. Crow: Yeah, that's how "Crossfire" ends up duping everybody. Joel: We're here tonight with Kermit the Frog, Kermit... are the rumors of divorce true, is the honeymoon over? Tom: The pork gave me the clap! It's not easy peeing green! >"Hey, Sakura!" he called out to the priestess. "There's a news story on >TV that I think you should check out! Especially since you and Mendo >are the only ones here who are any good at English, and I'd like to >know what the hell's going on there!" Joel: It's only CNN's 532nd update on the love life of Brad Pitt, nothing serious... >Onscreen, the President of the United States finished his speech. Tom: Rarely is the question asked, is our politicians learning? >Then the camera shifted to a large Oni! A caption below read: U.S. >GOVERNMENT DENIES ANY ROLE IN KIDNAPPING OF SPACE >ALIENS. When the large alien began speaking, another caption read, >"Zordak G'duunxi- Prime Minister of Planet Uru". The Oni leader >cleared his throat and began speaking: Joel: Meesa demand you release 'em them prisoners! >"People of Earth: What the President of the United States of America >tells you I have no comprehension of. Crow: You and everyone else on the planet, pal. >You probably know by now that six extraterrestrials, four from my planet >Uru, one from Neptune in your solar system, and another from the >goddess world of Fukinokami, have been captured by the American >government. They all had Urusian visas, by the way. Tom: Senor Ugarte was very courteous to us and answered all our questions.... >Just earlier today an Urusian reconnaissance ship disappeared from radar >screens over your planet. We Urusians have never been people to jump >to conclusions, but the situation makes us quite impatient. Once again >let me tell you; if America does not hand over these six aliens who were >on Earth for purely peaceful purposes, then Planet Uru will be forced >declare war on your country." Joel: And by war, we mean a two-second discharge of our Death Star. >A man captioned as one of the top brass in the Department of Defense >stood up and angrily responded, Tom: Wah wah waaah wa wa wahhhhh! Joel: Somebody clean out his spit valve! >"Once again, Mr. Prime Minister, we have done nothing of the sort! Our >records show that we have not captured any alien beings in the past >week as you assert. Crow: We did bag us a big giant head about a month ago though.... >Furthermore, our records also show that we were not even in Japanese >territory in the past week! I have no idea where your allegations come >from, but I believe you are mistaken." Tom: My allegations come from my mouth, yours come from a place we've become well-acquainted with over the years. >"One again, I am baffled by your explanations," rebutted the Oni leader. >"What we know, and what several members of the press and onlookers >from Japan have testified, is that several extraterrestrial beings were >kidnapped and detained by the U.S. Department of State, who even >showed their identification. Joel: Make no mistake, we will soon find this 'Dick Tracy' and his 'Junior Detective Squad'.... Crow: You know, if I had high-level debates, I'd use them to figure out exactly what alternatives there were to Ataru's zoot suit. >Rumors have circulated throughout the American government that they >are being detained at your country's military base called Area 51, in the >state of Nevada." Joel: Don't bother denying it! Your 'Weekly World News' has already broken the story! >"But we are telling the truth! I know for a fact that no extraterrestrials >are currently detained at Nellis Air Force Base, and I am willing to >look Americans, and people the Earth and universe over in the eyes, >and say that your allegations are not true." He glared directly in the >camera as he said this. Crow: Took a depth charge off the coast of Malaysia and they made me two working eyes out of latex. They need constant Armor-All treatment... >The manager of the diner turned off the TV on this news. "There go >that damned liberal media again," he muttered, "always trying to >blame America for everything." Crow: These Peter Jennings memorial plushies are going right back in the cellar! >"What the-" gasped Sakura, upon hearing this message. She told the gist >of it to the rest of the crowd. "Is what the American government saying >true? Could Lum and the rest have been captured by someone else and >the U.S. have been framed? Could someone have just thrown us a red >herring?" Tom: How 'bout a great white? Let Jaws sort 'em out. Joel: This thing is just crying out for Detective Adam West. >They had no idea that as she said this, they were being watched.by a >curious jackrabbit which bounded away when it saw a hawk swooping >down. Crow: Little symbolism with your coffee, ma'am? >"But that still doesn't answer the question of what happened to my son," >wondered aloud Ataru's mom. "Let's just keep looking for him and Ten." >As she said this, a huge, Hummer drew up alongside the road. The doors >opened, and out stepped some strange men, all clad in black and wearing >dark sunglasses. Before they could do anything, all four that were >present stepped up to them. Tom: Boy, those Blues Brothers just keep finding all sorts of relatives everywhere... >"U.S. State Department," explained one with dark hair who seemed to >be their leader. "I'm afraid you people are trespassing on government >property. Joel: Oh, I've finally been bought out! Thank god! >You'll have to come with me now." Before they could do anything, they >had seized the group and were dragging them to their car. Crow: Relax, we're just going to visit my aunt and uncle in Bel Air! >All tried to escape, but the agents seemed to have an almost superhuman >grip with hands and fingers of iron. Joel: And gloves of velvet. Crow and Tom: No, there's no such thing as Skynet. Why would you think such a thing? >They then crammed all six into the Hummer's vast backseat, jumped in >front, and took off like a bullet. The car must have hit about 80 mph >in just two seconds. Crow: Completely squishing Brendan Fraser, Jenna Elfman, and Bugs Bunny. Sadly, only one of the above could reinflate. >"Hey, wait!" Mendo shouted. "What the hell's going on here? Where are >you taking us?" >"Don't worry, Earthling," answered one in a strange tone. "You'll soon >find out." To everyone's horror, he reached to the bottom of his neck, >and started peeling off his face! Of course it wasn't really his face, but an >elaborate mask. Beneath that was.an alien face! But he wasn't an Oni. Tom: You! You're not a G-Man, you're one of the KUNG-FU CREATURES ON THE RAMPAGE! TWO! >Instead he looked more like the aliens most people claim to see when >they get abducted. He(she?) had a head shaped like a light bulb, with >bulging, teardrop shaped eyes. They were somewhat like those of an >insect, and totally black, with no pupils inside. They didn't even seem to >reflect any light. Its nostrils and mouth were basically slits in the skin, >which was lead gray. Joel: Friend of yours, Uncle? Tom: Another Madden refugee finally comes out after two solid months of seclusion. >It also didn't seem to have any ears. The creature seemed to be part of >the famous alien race colloquially known as the "grays". All screamed >on seeing it. >"You!" Sakura screeched. Crow: Dammit, I got a restraining order with that divorce! 500 feet, you bastard! >"You captured Lum and her parents and friends and framed the >American government!" Joel: Huh? Lady, we just wanted Japanese takeout. >"Yes, we might as well be straight with you," answered the gray >commander in a cold, emotionless voice similar to Oyuki's. "It figures >you would find out sooner or later." The driver of the Hummer then >pressed a small red button on the steering wheel. As soon as he did >this, something radical occurred. Tom: The Plot Engager was in the Hummer the whole time? How come we couldn't have pressed it earlier and got a plot? >Like in "Men in Black", the wheels flipped under the vehicle, and the >various panels on its sides and top flipped around like a Transformers >toy. It was turning into a spaceship! The speed accelerated even further >as they zoomed upward at a 45-degree angle. Joel: Centauri's job is a breeze since he started recruiting you Asian kids! >The driver of an approaching RV, an elderly man traveling around the >country with his wife, saw the Grays' ship launch into the sky. He just >shrugged his shoulders and thought, "It happens." Crow: Ethel! Go pour the liquid Schwartz in our dashboard-mounted emergency tank, I'm gonna follow 'em! >As soon as the transformation had been completed, belts of a strong alien >fiber looped around the gang's bodies and held them firmly in place. "So >where are you taking us?" asked Mendo. Tom: We're taking YOU to OUR leader! Ha ha! Chew on that a while, human scum! >"Oh, you'll find out soon enough," answered the Gray commander. "But >first we have to pick up your friend Ataru Moroboshi." They were >passing the boundary of space now, and aiming southeast, towards the >same wormhole which had drawn Ataru and Ten back in time. Crow: ...just in time to interrupt Ataru's fifth body shot off Betty Boop. >"What are you doing?" shrieked Mendo. "Th-th-that looks like a black >hole!" Mendo had never been in outer space before, and there was a >lot for him to be scared of; the infinite blackness, plus the fact that he >was also afraid of heights, and he had a window seat. Tom: Wait till he gets the in-flight meal. >"Correction," answered the Gray commander. "It's a wormhole. They're >smaller and not as dangerous as black holes, and yes, we are going in." Joel: Hope we don't run into any Celestial Prophets... they're really hard to clean off the windshield. >The group all started screaming as the suction of gravity pulled them >toward the space vortex, lined with bluish-white material being drawn >in. All were screaming except for Cherry. >"Don't you ever get scared?" Sakura asked him. >"When you believe in fate, there is no reason to fear," Cherry mused, >munching a chocolate bar. Crow: Plus I always peek at the script. >"And now," continued the alien commander, "for your treatment, heh >heh. Look into my eyes." >"And what if we don't want to?" asked Mendo sarcastically. >"Oh, you want to. You want to," continued the Gray commander, >staring at them all. Tom: So this is how Jim Bakker started his ministry. >Sure enough, once his gaze had even caught them out of the corner of >their eyes, it was firmly anchored in his command and there was little >they could do. Those dark pits.so dark and bottomless.drawing in all >forms of light with no chance of escape. "Now you are in my power. >You are powerless to resist." Joel: You will assassinate Chris Carter. >"We are powerless to resist," the humans answered in flat, zombielike >tones. Crow: Six more consumers are ready to enter America's marketplace! >"So babe, would you like to dance?" Ataru asked a comely waitress at >a bar in Roswell, 1947. "I've got a good feeling about us." The lady >promptly smacked him. Joel: No no, that was just the tip, I don't pay for it, really! Crow: You wanna cop a feel, it's a two drink minimum fella! >"Have you noticed that's like the tenth time you've struck out?" Ten >asked him, popping up from under the bar. "Just give it a rest already!" Tom: Whose lily white butt do I have to barbecue around here to get some umeboshi!? Joel: I pray that if I ever get stranded in time I'll be calm enough to go bar hopping with flying aliens too. >"No, I just know someone right is gonna come along," Ataru answered. >"I'm staying here till closing time!" >"Yeah, 'cause you don't have anywhere else to go," muttered the alien >toddler. Crow: Maybe I'll try the naugahyde door again... if I only knew the password.... >"Okay, you can just keep on trying to pick up girls. I'm gonna look for >a hotel." But as he made his way through the crowded lobby, the >ominous sound of an air-raid siren filled the town. Joel: Last call already? Tom: That's surprising, I thought that Roswell was in the "acceptable loss" category. >In those tense days following the advent of the atom bomb and the birth >of the Cold War, that siren in that crowded bar was like detonating >dynamite in a beehive. People shrieked like banshees and meshed into a >confused tangle trying to squeeze out through the door. Crow: Opportunity knocks! Hey babes, you don't want to die virgins do you? >Meanwhile, the radio announced, "We interrupt 'Amos 'n Andy' to bring >you this special report! A farmer from about 3 miles south of Roswell, >who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that an alien spacecraft has >crashed on his property! Crow: Yeah, right. Folks, don't believe this dopey radio... it just gave the score of the Brooklyn Dodgers game! >It is currently unknown whether the spaceship had merely crashed on >Earth by mistake, or if it is in fact part of an impending extraterrestrial >invasion! This is not another 'War of the Worlds'-style fictional radio >drama! The staff of station KUKU assures listeners that we are telling >the truth this time! Joel: This time KUKU ain't cuckoo! Tom: Meanwhile, a young Bert I. Gordon gets a film idea. >Please either arm yourselves or calmly make your ways to the nearest >air-raid shelter! We'd also like to remind people that, if you wish to >start a happy family, in today's fast-paced times, you need a car! Crow: Conceive your child in the backseat of our model Chevrolet! >And you can find the best deals in all of Southeast New Mexico at >Honest John Slickley's Packard, located just two miles north of the >town center on U.S. 285. Or call Klondike 5-1756! Honest John >Slickley's-if Packard doesn't make it, it ain't at Honest John's!" Tom: May I point out the amount of FCC fines these dolts would get for putting advertising in a civil emergency announcement? Joel: The best argument against a car... getting a radio that tunes to KUKU. >The town was in an uproarious panic. Soldiers were trying in vain to >console the people, who were insanely trying to make their way to >anyplace safe. Joel: There there, your father's in a better place now. And in his next life he'll think more about giving me a line of fire. >Ataru could barely tell which way he was going. He vainly tried to plow >his way through the crowd, looking for any form of relief. Finally he >found it in a small alley between two buildings. Crow: Having thusly plowed, he found himself wondering if corn or alfalfa seeds would be best. >Watching the insane mob out there, he wondered, not for the last time, >if he would ever see anyone he knew again. Now even Ten-chan was >gone, and he still had no way of getting back to his own time. Ataru >then depressingly sank down and stared at the opposite wall a bit. Ten >had been right; he should have at least found some place to spend the >night, maybe even get a job, before going out to nab a woman. Joel: Booze mixed with teenagers causes depression? Who would've thought? Tom: If I can just find an opening for a Jungle Goddess.... >Ataru was used by now to being wrong about something, but not too >many times before had his consequences been this dire. >"Hello, Ataru. We've been looking for you," beckoned a familiar voice. >Ataru glanced up and saw it was Sakura! >"Sakura!" he happily cheered, running up to her. "But how did you get >here?" Without knowing what he was doing, he wrapped his arms >around her slender torso. Crow: Jussst call me Bender, baby. >He then braced himself for the imminent beating, but surprisingly nothing >happened. "Sakura?" he asked, waving his hand right in front of her eyes. >"Can't you respond to me?" Joel: *SLAP!* Crow: Let me rephrase that.... >Suspicious that something fishy was going on here, Ataru puckered up >and gave her a full-on French kiss. Once again she just stood there >with an eerily placid face. Tom: Hallucinating and making out with a Joshua tree... can I call 'em or what? >"Come on, Ataru. We have to go find Lum," she told him without any >of her usual grouchiness. >"Yes, Ataru," responded Mendo's voice. Sure enough, coming from >behind a corner was Shutaro himself, but also with an odd vacant look >in his eyes. Both sounded like they were on Prozac or something. Joel: I've discovered the joy of saliva. Crow: Surely this will cure Sakura's love of cinemas! >"Yes, duty calls," continued Shinobu, who appeared behind him, also >staring straight at Ataru with those spooky blank eyes. >"Your parents need you," echoed Ataru's parents, following the others. >"Fate commands that you come with us," drawled Cherry, bringing up >the rear. Tom: BRAAAAAINNNNNNS.... oops, that just slipped out... come with us! >"Gaaaa!" Ataru screamed. "This isn't right! You're zombies or something! >Get away from me!" But he soon saw that he was caught between a rock >and a hard place. At one end of the alley were the alien-crazed >cattle-people, forming an impenetrable wall of humanity. At the other >were his friends and parents, albeit with unsettling, emotionless faces. >Frozen in place with fear, Ataru let their hands close in on him. Joel: Suddenly Jill Valentine burst through a nearby door and screamed for Ataru to get down. Crow: Nice pair of boots you got there. >Shinobu and Sakura were always very physically strong, but now their >grips felt superhuman, like iron. Something definitely was screwy here. >"Hellllllllp!" Ataru called out to the people. "The aliens have got me!!!! >The aliens have got me!!! Tell the people!!!" Joel: The aliens have Ataru. Pass it on. Tom: To think that this alley will be marked by a Starbucks in only fifty years... as well as the crash site, the radio station, the bar... >"Now keep quiet, son," Cherry said, holding a disturbing-looking metal >rod up to Ataru' head. "We don't want anyone to find out about this, >now." Ataru tried to scream but Sakura's iron hand completely muffled >any sound that would have come from him. Joel: They're gonna tap him like a keg! Crow: *thunk* Damn straw won't go in! *thunk* Kid's worse than a freaking Capri Sun! *thunk* >He braced himself for the inevitable pain that would come when Cherry >knocked him out with the rod, but instead the deranged old monk just >held it up to the side of Ataru's head. A humming noise eminated from >it, and once again the unlucky teenage boy felt his mind begin to dull. Tom: Thankfully the tickle ray was almost out of juice. >Without any more resistance, he let himself succumb to its powers, and >drifted into sleep. Crow: Ahh, the life of a Viking beckons. Joel: As does the leftover tuna. Anybody want a sandwich? Tom: I do! Me me me! Joel: Crow? Crow: I'll take a Big Boy Burger with a Birch Beer, Bob! Joel: Uh, would you settle for peanut butter on rye? Crow: Whatever. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) * * * DEEP 13 "HE DID IT AGAIN, THAT SON OF A BITCH!" Dr. Forrester paused in the hallway, startled. He had never heard Frank's voice filled with such loathing and hatred before, not even during the Unhappy Meal incident. "I guess I was a little harsh on him... still, the employee handbook frowns on badmouthing a superior... at least I think it does. I should really read that thing one of these days...." Dr. Forrester mused as he walked into the lab and stood before his assistant, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes before speaking. "Frank... just because I've crushed your spirit again by trapping you in a cramped prison cruelly resembling a heartfelt reward for all you've endured that electroshocks you if you touch anything..." Dr. Forrester took a deep breath before continuing. "...doesn't give you carte blanche to insult me... even if the insult is true in many... many ways." Dr. Forrester admitted with a sigh. "No, don't go back with him... he'll just do it again... please... d-don't..." Frank whispered sadly, his lower lip trembling. "Huh? What on earth are you blathering about?" Dr. Forrester snapped as he replaced his glasses and was surprised to see Frank hunched over like a vulture, completely focused on something Dr. Forrester couldn't see and oblivious to all else. "D-Damn you, Moose! You big jerk!" Frank hissed, his teeth clenched as he continued to read the Archie Comic Digest he had found tucked underneath the seat of his new car. Several tries and several thousand volts later, he had finally gotten the darn thing and took comfort in the fact that he wouldn't have a use for hairy knuckles in the future. But the joy had been short-lived as Frank found himself growing more and more furious with every panel he scanned over. "Why doesn't Mr. Weatherbee throw his ass in jail!? Reggie's half dead for God's sake! And Midge was TOTALLY leading him on, though who could blame her, really!?" "FRANK!!!" A loud angry voice temporarily snapped him out of his own world but not out of his foul mood. Dr. Forrester was taken aback as Frank leaned his head out the passenger window, glass shattering everywhere. "It's BOGUS, man! Totally BOGUS! Moose treats Midge like property so she dates Reggie then Reggie get creamed, thus proving Midge's point but she ALWAYS forgives him until the next time! Don't they realize it's an unending cycle!?" Frank ranted, an unhealthy look in his eyes. "Uh, Frank...?" Dr. Forrester pointed at the glass on the floor but Frank was oblivious as he shoved the Archie comic in Dr. Forrester's face. "Just look at this!" Frank jabbed his thumb at a panel in the comic. "Moose glued an ostrich egg to his head so people would call him an EGGHEAD! Dyslexic, my ass! He's always been an IDIOT!" "Ooooo-kay... I think I may have underestimated the dangers of your confinement... maybe I'd better...." Dr. Forrester began slowly. "No! Don't you see!?" Frank pushed his way out of the car's window like a snake and slowly slithered towards an increasingly creeped out Dr. Forrester. "You did me a favor! I never would have discovered this grave injustice had I not run out of bottles of beer to sing about! And the Moose/Midge/Reggie triangle is just the tip of the iceberg!" "F-Frank...." Dr. Forrester was terrified now as Frank pulled him nose-to-nose, his left eye twitching violently. Dr. Forrester could have sworn he heard the sound of bell chimes gently moving in the wind as Frank whispered to him. "I've uncovered a conspiracy, Steve... one that is far larger than anyone could guess. Archie has been screwing with our minds for decades... but there's so much ground to cover... one man can't do it alone, that's why we have to focus on a single task... that's why... Moose Mason must die." "Uh, do you two want to be alone or something?" A voice called out from behind the shaking scientist. "H-HELP!!! FRANK'S GONE NUTS!!!" Dr. Forrester screamed as he finally found his voice and made a break for it down the hall and into his room, slamming the door behind him. Meanwhile, Frank turned to face the viewscreen where Joel and the bots watched him with trepidation. "It's probably telling that someone needs to be electroshocked to care THAT MUCH about Archie Comics." Tom wryly observed. "Frank? You OK, buddy?" Joel asked, concerned. "Joel... Joel, my little space friend... you'll help me kill Moose, won't you? Won't you?" Frank smiled. "Um... okay, but you have to take responsibility for it." Joel cautioned as he walked over to the umbiliport and dropped something inside before yanking the cord beside it. Frank eagerly ran over to the lab's umbiliport and retrieved the item before rushing back over to the viewscreen. Placing the comic flat on the console, he then opened the container of liquid paper Joel had sent him. "Die, my little bully... feel the wrath of Frank." he whispered as he lovingly and repeatedly stroked the comic with the liquid paper brush. "Remember, you tell anybody where you got that...." Joel warned. "I don't rat on my friends, Joel... ahh, he's almost gone." Frank replied with a contented sigh. Meanwhile Tom and Crow, who had remained silent during the whole ordeal, looked up at Joel. "Joel, are you sure that was a good idea? What if he tries to whack Weatherbee next?" Tom inquired. "Nah, I've got Weatherbee covered. Frank was only partly right though, the conspiracy is vast all right but only linked to certain individuals in the Archie Uni... hey, where are you going?" Crow asked as Joel and Tom slowly backed away from the confused robot. TO BE CONTINUED IN 'MY KID'S AN ALIEN!' PT. 3.... Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other mutiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come, so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and skits. ;)