*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FOUR) EPISODE 35: WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE, CHARLIE BROWN (An Original Fanfic MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Welcome To My Nightmare Charlie Brown" is the property of Ryot and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;) (Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last Sunday BC There was this guy named Joel Not so different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another guy in a red jumpsuit He did a great job cleaning up the place, But his bosses really hate him So they shot him into space!!!! Joel: (OH... MY... GODDESS!!!) Crow and Tom: (IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!) (Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout) We'll send him crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala) (Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.) Now keep in mind Joel can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends; ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT: 'Text only'? Gypsy: 'Oh, my!' Tom Servo: 'Sweet-o!' CROOOOOOOW!!! 'I'm not a hentai!' If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!! * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE The click-clacking sound of keyboards echoed faintly on the bridge as Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo each sat behind their respective personal computers. "Okay, I'll trade you frankthedrake@netscape.com for farout@yahoo.com, juliee@mailcity, and an account to be named later!" Crow offered. "Whoa, whoa, not so fast there, buddy. Last time you paid up an e-mail IOU, it turned out to be a nabiki.com account and it stunk up my total spam numbers!" Tom retorted. "Oh, what a little suckup! Remember, I could have given you mr_email@aol.com, so be grateful, ya crumb!" Crow fired back. "All right, all right, throw in a hotmail account and you've got a deal." Tom conceded. "Come on, Servo! That would give you absolute power over my Urdora account! I'm not about to let yggdrasil.com fall to a devil like you! How stupid do you think I am!?" Crow raged. "Gee, how many guesses do I get?" Tom replied sardonically. As the bots continued their heated argument, Joel's head suddenly popped into the camera's view. "Hi everyone! Welcome to the Satellite of Love! Some of you are probably wondering what Tom and Crow are going on about. Last week, Crow got the idea to start an e-mail rotisserie league and it's been on-line warfare ever since...." "Hey, I was totally willing to settle for a balance before Skuld here decided to launch a full scale invasion my Juno accounts!" Tom whined. "Sour grapes, Servo! Besides, at least I'm not the one blackmailing Gypsy!" Crow replied, a mischievous gleam in his eye. "S-stupid! That was supposed to be a secret!" Tom hissed. "Blackmail?" Joel looked over at Tom who shrunk back noticeably as Gypsy abruptly strode onto the bridge, gingerly balancing a laptop computer on what passed for her stomach. "Tom, I brought the accounts you wanted, can I have richard@richardbaseheart.org now please?" Gypsy begged. "I-It's not as bad as it looks, Joel! Honest!" Tom blurted out. "Tom! How could you?" Joel exclaimed, shocked. "Aw, come on, it's... it's not like she uses the computer often! She's usually too busy running the higher functions of the ship so I just thought...." Tom's voice trailed off as he looked away. "You thought you could take advantage of her love for Richard Baseheart for your own gains." Joel finished for him. "Peddling e-mails, how low can you get, Tom....?" "You're right! I'm totally out of control! But I had to do it, Joel!" Tom exclaimed with an exaggerated sob. "Crow's dead set on putting my team out of business! I had to do whatever it took to stay afloat, even if it meant betraying a close friend! Oh, Gypsy, can you ever forgive me?" Tom cried. "Welllll... exploiting me wasn't very nice... but I suppose I COULD forgive you for say... your Lycos accounts?" Gypsy innocently suggested. "W-WHAT?!?" Tom was outraged. "B-But that's the heart of my entire collection! If I lose those....!" "So you feel no guilt for exploiting Gypsy then? For shame...." Crow teased. "Guys, two wrongs don't make a right...." Joel admonished. "Yeah, one wrong is plenty enough!" Tom agreed wholeheartedly. "Now hurry up and give me your accounts, Gypsy, so you can learn a valuable lesson in gullibility!" "Tom, you're not helping...." Joel admonished as he noticed the red light flashing on the console. "Anyway, better save your game and quit for now... Robert Foster and Joey just came on-line...." * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank stood side by side as they watched the viewscreen list possible titles for the experiment this week. "How about that one?" Frank pointed to a title. "No, it's too soon for another lemon... perhaps that one?" "Hmm... wait, go back a bit... A-ha! I believe THAT one has aged sufficiently enough...." "Ah, 1998, a very bad year for fanfics...." Frank mused. "Fine bouquet, terrible color... and the taste doesn't jog well... yes, this should suit the occasion...." Dr. Forrester chuckled while eagerly rubbing his hands together. "Go retrieve it while I summon my fiddlers three...." "Okie dokie." Frank replied as he went over to the filing cabinet to retrieve the fanfic in question as Dr. Forrester walked over to the console and activated the viewscreen. "Salutations, Misfits! I trust you haven't fallen prey to the winter blues since we last spoke?" "No, but tensions are rather high as the battle enters it's fourth day...." Joel muttered as he listened to Tom, Crow and Gypsy continue to argue quietly behind him. "Excellent! Then I still have a chance to induce the frostbite PERSONALLY...." Dr. Forrester replied with an evil smile as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small plastic case. "Recently, I attempted to make the big switch from glasses to contact lenses, only to get an infection of the cornea because I foolishly entrusted the purchase to Frank, who bought them second hand at a rummage sale...." "Hey, you told me to cut corners whenever possible!" Frank exclaimed. "Good point. Why don't you buy a second hand scalpel and perform your own tracheotomy while you're at it?" Dr. Forrester replied in a menacing tone. "Awww, but I just ate!" Frank pouted as Dr. Forrester rolled his eyes before continuing the presentation. "Anyway, after the infection healed, I decided to stick with glasses but soon found myself with a rather large surplus of salt water after the conclusion of the last experiment...." "Salt water?" Joel inquired, confused. "Don't ask." Dr. Forrester shot a look at Frank who blushed and turned away. "The point is, I decided to put the salt water to good use as a contact solution... heh heh heh...." Dr. Forrester chuckled as he removed his glasses and wiped them clean on his labcoat. "Throw in a drop or three of sulfuric acid and we're talking some SERIOUS pain to the peepers. Ahh, just picturing all those vain fools clawing, scratching and rubbing their eyeballs raw makes the memory of my own suffering melt away...." "Oh, I can help you remember, Dr. F!" Frank chimed in. "Let's see, first you screamed for me to find the eyewasher, then you.... OW, HEYYY!!" Frank yelped in pain as Dr. Forrester abruptly grabbed him in a headlock while popping open the plastic case with the salt water contact solution. "I decided to call it 'Clear Eyes' and as a bonus, Frank's going to be demonstrating the product for you shortly. In the meantime, though, let's see what's you got for us this week, Popeil...." * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Yikes. Talk about an eye for an eye." Tom remarked. "Yeah, really makes you BLINK, doesn't it?" Crow wisecracked. Gypsy groaned. "That was BAD, Crow. Really BAD." "You're right, it was a LASH decision on my part!" Crow added with a giggle before being chased off the bridge by Tom and Gypsy. Meanwhile, Joel struggled to lift what appeared to be a huge pink mannequin onto the countertop. As Crow sprinted back onto the bridge to escape his pursuers, he noticed what Joel was doing and gasped. "KIM CATRELL! MANNEQUIN! NOOOO!!!" Crow exclaimed in horror. "Why couldn't you have chosen Andrew McCarthy?!" "Wrong... mannequin, Crow...." Joel wheezed as he finally managed to lay the mannequin on its side. "This... is for everyone who's sick and tired of all these lame cutesy stress organizers that puncture far too easily, leaving messy jelly stains all over your desk and doing a crappy job of lowering your stress level...." "Cause, really, when you need to release some steam, you want to do a helluva lot more than massage a little toy. You want to kick ass fast and kick ass HARD! Enter 'Oozo'...." Tom continued as he hovered back onto the bridge. "This life-sized stress organizer, combining state of the art sponge technology with some silly putty we had laying around, is designed to take a tremendous beating while being flexible enough to give you the impression that you're seriously damaging it. You can tear off its limbs, throw it off buildings, run over it repeatedly with your car, use it as your personal trampoline, and much much more!" "And best of all, it'll return to its normal shape within an hour, pumped and ready for the next time you need to lash out without incurring property damage or invoking hurt feelings! What do you think, sirs?" Joel inquired. * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Forrester smirked. "Not bad, Joel, but I think I'll stick to my usual methods of dealing with stress... speaking of which, your experiment this week will be your first exposure to a original fanfic, penned by none other than the author of *R*P*M*...." "*R*P*M*? The fic where Tuxy got ten shots up the nose? All right! This is gonna rule!" Tom cheered. "For shame, Tom, have you forgotten poor Jupiter's decapitation already?" Crow replied disapprovingly. "That's right, Sam and Max! The hellspawn, hellbent-commander, accursed demon, senshi slaughtering samurai Flynn is BACK. If you thought *R*P*M* was bizarre, you ain't seen nothing yet! Prepare yourselves for a helluva head trip titled 'Welcome To My Nightmare, Charlie Brown!' BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Send 'em the fanfic, Frank...." "Steve? Is that you? What are you doing in Utena?" A dazed Frank exclaimed as he blindly stumbled around the lab, his eyes a bright pink.... * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Crow and Tom were still arguing over the merits and faults of *R*P*M* when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out. (Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.) (Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you as you pass through.) (Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.) (Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile before proceeding.) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously, looking for moat monsters.) (Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.) Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >Hello everyone, and welcome to our madness. Tom: Enjoy some complimentary marbles at our expense. >This fanfic is based on a discussion I had with a friend of mine earlier. >We were talking about nightmares, as the title implies. We found that 2 >of our dreams had been linked, in a weird way: Crow: When you're dreaming of hypertext, it's time to get OFF the computers, boys! >I was looking at a bubbling pool in my dream Joel: All of a sudden, a gollum appeared out of nowhere! Crow: Yesss, preciousss? >he was drowning in it in his dream. For real, too!! Joel: Before I knew it, I had ice skates on... and then it became "On Golden Pond"!! Crow: Luckily he woke up in the nick of time and realized apple bobbing and vodka were a dangerous combination. >Then he talked about a dream which he insists was a sick anime he >had seen around preschool-age; Joel: Meanwhile, a horny teenager was bewildered by a copy of 'My Neighbor Totoro'.... Crow: See what happens when you play loose and free with the 18up label, Blockbuster? >I doubt that anyone could make an anime as sick as he said it was(maybe >a mix of his imagination and 'Heavy Metal'?), he even now becomes >nervous whenever anyone stands behind him Tom: The effect of Carl Macek can be detected early... but now, there's a fast-acting vaccine that spares children the pain that previous generations had to endure. >(and this is a guy who _laughed_ at "'Anaconda"'s gory scenes, folks!!). Tom: Yeah, I laughed at Anaconda too. Joel: The gory scenes? Tom: No, the whole thing. Crow: That's funny, I found myself cheering. >As for me, I don't get scared. Sure, you can startle me; that's >a mental reflex. However, I have yet to find anything to sincerely freak >me out. Joel: In that case, may we suggest a certain purple dinosaur? Tom: Or a cat loving hermaphrodite? Joel: Or a uber-menschette starship captain? Crow: Any one will do. >Anyway, enjoy the fic; oh yeah, this is voluntarily rated NC-17 for >intensity, language, sex, and extreme ultra-violence. Joel: Extreme super dooper double dog ultra-violence with just a hint o' mint! Tom: And, with a header like that, the fic could consist of one sentence... "'Fuckin' A, you ho', you deserve a good beating!', said the pimp." >Anyone who is spooked easy; don't read this. But for those who want >to see some seriously sweeeeet shit, here ya go!!!!!!!!!! Joel: Eww, Kool-Aid isn't supposed to be mixed with *that*! Crow: Now, here's the interactive part. You must read aloud the next three words... "Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Beetlejuice"! And don't say I didn't warn ya! >Dedicated to SD, I hope you feel better soon, Joel: Hey, any fic dedicated to Super Dave Osborne can't be all bad. Crow: SO SORRY, SU-PAH!!! THOUGHT YOU WERE READY, SU-PAH!!! >and Vincent Price, who should have been Genod Ikari's voice actor. Tom: Well, he *WAS* Genod Ikari's voice actor... too bad Gendo's evil twin brother never had a speaking part in Neon Genesis Evangelion. >****** >Welcome to my nightmare, charlie brown!!!!!!!!!! >******* > >A self-insertion night of hell Tom: Hey, I'm willing to donate a nickel to his psychiatric needs. Crow: I never win a baseball game, can't fly a kite, and get dumped on by everyone in the Peanuts universe... bring it on, pal! >******** >"All >these memories >fill my heart, >they bury me" >********* Tom: Joel: Excuse me sir, but I see you attempting to verse back there... may I see your poetic license and registration? >The scientific, psychological reason for nightmares is usually stress, or >your body's adrenaline system acting up. Joel: Or too much pepperoni and anchovies. >The metaphysical one usually has gremlins, or bad chi, or other such >things. Joel: Yeah, I can't tell you how many times I've had my sleep ruined by Gizmo. Crow: Chi-spoilage is always such a bane in the summertime.... >Neither is right. An integral part of fear is confusion. You don't know >how or why. Then you find out, and things get worse.......... Tom: Sooo... where do Snoopy and Woodstock fit into all of this? Joel: On a mad existential ride, forever fighting the Red Baron? >********************** Joel: Hey, I have those same decals in my bathtub! > that was my first thought. Tom: Soon to be followed by 'gimmie that nipple!' >I had just gotten my first personal email account, so I remember the >night. Tom: And what a monumental event it was! By the time I sold my last ticket, my bedroom was standing room only! Joel: Sadly, he had to refund everyone's money when the e-mail was called on account of spam. >I was in a room filled with creatures. Tom: IT'S THE LORD... NOAH. Joel: Rrrrrrright. >It seemed so surreal-like I was in a painting for World of Darkness: >Changeling. Crow: Or the climax of 'Leonard Part 6'. >Then their leader showed up. He looked like a member of KISS. Tom: Oh cripes, as if he wasn't annoying enough in the real world, now he's prostituting KISS in our dreams! IS THERE NO ESCAPE FROM THE PLAGUE OF GENE SIMMONS?!? Joel: Ironically enough, he could be the author's real father too. >He didn't really talk-it was just a voice in my mind, not mine, not the >voice I knew as mine but a different one; the one I only 'heard in my >nightmares. Joel: For some reason, I was reminded over and over that this was CNN. >Because in my nightmares, I also felt pain. Crow: And in my nightmares, I'd keep yelling "TETSUO!!" >Nothing serious, like 'A nightmare on Elm Street', just aches when I >woke up, sore limbs or muscles which reminded me of what had >happened. Crow: I gotta quit Tae Bo-ing in my sleep! Joel: It was then I made the toughest choice of my life... and started sleeping in the bottom bunk. >Of the 'voice', which I heard. And it only 'said' one thing, this time: > Joel: And although I could only move so fast as a tortoise, I knew the hare's cocky attitude would be his undoing.... >I ran for a door. I found one, and the outside of it was an airport. Crow: My job, my way. Tom: The white zone is for loading and unloading of delusions only. There is no delusions in the red zone.... >Their was a group of people walking to a plane. I ran to it, and walked side >by side with a darkhaired girl, who said they had been looking for me. Tom: About time you showed up, you blockhead! I've brought the football so get punting! >I turned around and saw a red blur moving through the line. Crow: What the Flash was doing in my dream, I had no idea. >I turned, and yet again she talked about our ride. Then I felt pain. All: TETSUO!! >Then I felt nothing. Joel: Then I felt hungry and dreamed up some tasty waffles. >********************* Joel: Meanwhile, in a deserted pumpkin patch not far away, a young boy clutches his security blanket while continuing his vigil of the Great Pumpkin.... >Flynn wasn't having a better time. Two huge, slimy creatures were arguing >over who got him. Tom: Mmmm. What do you say to a menage, Patty? Joel and Crow: Eww... >They each held up scissors, rasping, "He's mine!!!!! >He's mine!!!!" and started to slash each other's necks up, Tom: Oh, it's just Sid Vicious and Arn Anderson having another tiff. Crow: Give 'em the squeegee, Sid! >causing blood to spray like an opressive downpour in Portland Oregon >during December. Tom: As if the MAN wasn't bad enough, now we've got WEATHER holding us down! Crow: (holds up picture of Willard Scott) Fight the REAL enemy! *rrrrrrip* >Flynn, trying not to slip on the blood as the things impaled each other's >necks and popped out their adam's apples's, ran away, but flet >something *splat* against his back. Crow: Care for some adam's apple pie, Flynn? >It was one of the freaks's voice boxes. He continued running. Joel: No time to be horrified, I'm late for class! Crow: Oops, sorry about that, little fella! Just send the dry-cleaning bill to my silent friend here! Tom: !! >After running for a while, he came across an android girl. Crow: I must find ten thousand friends... will you be my friend? Tom: I'm not some doll for you to play with! Joel: Have you seen my Kei? Tom: I'm going to change now. Crow: Care to bite this female? >She was hooked up to a terminal and seemingly asleep; while a 'Missing >Component' sign flashed on the terminal screen. Crow: Along with the recent arrivals at gate 12. Joel: With the thoughts she be thinkin' she could be another Lincoln... if she only had a brain! >Flynn picked up a circuit board and prepared to insert it; however, he >didn't know where. After inspecting its perfect plastic body, he realized >where it had to go. Crow: On to a promising career as Kim Catrell's stand-in? Joel: A campaign gift for Teddy Kennedy? Tom: A dreamhouse somewhere in Malibu? > Flynn couldn't believe this. Joel: All the way down to her SHINS? No way! >But he had no choice, Crow: It is fate. Tom: By the power of Greyskull, you WILL shove that board where the sun don't shine! I, your beloved author, have spoken! >so he slid the circuit board into place, and proceeded to hear some >_very_ strange noises. Crow: Let me just pop the trunk and take a quick lookie here... Woah! Diarrhea *IS* a storm raging inside her! >The android girl's well-rounded buttocks suddenly reformed, Tom: They joined the peace corps and devoted their lives to helping others. Crow: Either that or her ass joined up with Preston Manning. >showing a circuit breaker board. Joel: Um... Intel Inside? Crow: Hmm, there's a label here... Mail Order Maiden... 28? > Flynn thought sarcastically, when >suddenly- Tom: ...it began to emit a noxious nitrogen compound. Flynn quickly decided then that being around a hollow-butted android girl was a *bad* idea. >*********** Crow: Ack, the spiky balls are back! Quick, duck! Joel: Any chance this fanfic will be called on account of scene change? >-He was drowning. He didn't know how or why. He couldn't move. Tom: Aw, but I just called Ryder Truck! I'm ready to go, dude! Joel: Well, I guess Flynn can add 'Useless Ninny' to his list of occupations. Tom: Yeah! This Flynn is nowhere NEAR advertised! Can we return the unused portion for a full refund? >Flynn could hear his family screaming, but all her could do was sink >lower and lower Crow: Her? Is he sinking into Jusenkyo quicksand? Joel: See, this is why I don't attend family reunions anymore. Even impending death can't shut these people up! >his lungs beginning to drown in water as he sunk................... Tom: ...into Lake Ellipses. >Then he saw a shark. He couldn't resist. Tom: Now where'd I put those pesky water-skis? Joel: The jump was a success... but the fanfic was never the same. >Time to die. Crow: Bite me, Mr. Wolf. >The sting of his arm being ripped off was greatly dulled by the loss of >air, but was still a sharp pain. Crow: Always look on the bright side of death.... >The epitome of hell, really- on the brink of death, but never actually >dying. Joel: Wait, you just described KISS again. >That's how it felt, until his lungs finally gave as the shark bit into his >chest, giving beautiful, painful, release. Tom: ...to the shark as his hunger pangs were satisfied for the moment. Crow: But until the doctor stitches that up, Flynn won't be getting much closure! Heh heh... ow! >************** Tom: Hey! A school of pufferfish! Go after that shark, boys! Joel: Well, so far this "nightmare" wouldn't even scare Sally Brown! >I was suddenly outside of a house. Joel: And don't come back till you get a real job! Tom: But enough about Flynn, let's get back to my pain now, shall we? >There was a pool. One side had a dark stain and the other was bubbling >like a whitewater rapid. Joel: It's Sam Kinison's hot tub! Tom: Well, let's recap the fanfic so far... Gene Simmons challenges the author to a race before getting bored to death by the dark-haired woman while Flynn has a violent encounter with slimy ventriloquists before shoving the circuit board up the android's cha-cha only to experience the sweet release of becoming shark chow.... Joel: You know, guys... these fanfics Dr. F send us... they're pretty weird. Crow: You noticed that too, huh? >I ran inside as fast as I could. Joel: Hey, no running on the deck! Don't you remember your swimming lessons!? >For a second, I could have sworn someone was watching me. (Joel and Tom abruptly stare up at the ceiling, whistling innocently.) Crow: Then I heard a cry of Roxanne and I knew Sting was lurking nearby.... >I went to the top of a staircase in the room, which was completely >covered in blue calico wallpaper. Crow: They papered the walls with dead cats? Joel: OSCARRRRRRRR... OSCARRRRRRRRRRRRRR.... Crow: Please don't do that. >I made a decision. I was going to wake up. Joel: Watching Flynn get eaten by a shark is one thing but exposing me to blue calico wallpaper is GOING TOO FAR!!! > I mean, what are the odds that I'll be sleepwalking on the ledge of a five story building... again? >So I jumped in the air.......landed.....felt crushing pain in my >legs... and woke up, with a leg that stayed sore the rest of the day. Joel: Owowow! I said I was sorry! Tom: Shut up! And stop trying to stretch me out! I'm not through punishing you yet! >************************** Crow: Donut Holes! It's what's for breakfast! Joel: Scene changes are like tribbles, a little fanfic and they multiply like crazy.... >"Somewhere in time, He is laughing at us....." Joel: Red rover, red rover, let hyphen come over! >********************************************************* >********************************** Joel: A good scene change deserves another line. Tom: How your large intestines look after a full meal of Chickenballs. >Oh, well. I guess it wasn't THAT bad. Tom: Guess again. Joel: Nah. More like an infant's fever dream, actually. Crow: Watching Flynn get his after what he did to Jupiter in *R*P*M*? I'd say it had it's moments. >You probably read worse, though I doubt it. Tom: There is absolutely no doubting of the certainty that my story is truly the vilest of all! Crow: INDEED! >In fact, if you can find a fic that matches this for graphicness(other than >anything else I write, ^_^), send it to me. Crow: I'd send him a copy of 'Countess Chronicles' but I misplaced my industrial rubber gloves and radiation suit.... >Maybe I'll make this bigger some other time. Joel: I'll make a director's cut! And put it on DVD! With seventy-two hours of bonus features! Yeah, take that, Dreamworks! >But hey; you'll have to admit this would be scary if it all happened as a >confusing dream, wouldn't it? Joel: As opposed to being ACTUALLY eaten by a shark, right? >________________________________________________________ Tom: Marvel as the author boldly holds down two keys for an extended period of time! Crow: Awesome! >You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Crow: Just give us your number and we'll phone our spam directly to you! Joel: Good day, sir or madam, do you enjoy seeing unspeakably horrific photos of hideously ugly women naked? *click* Hello? Hello? >Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Tom: Seventy three e-mails from Dick Cavett... and they're MINE! All MINE! >Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] Joel: ...and ask him if he has ten pound balls. If he says yes, ask him how he got over to the phone so fast.... Crow: Heh, I love that joke. Tom: Speaking of jokes, what did you make of this fanfic? Crow: Well, the dead cat wallpaper thing was neat... and Flynn becoming fish food was worth a chuckle... but to be honest, I've read far scarier stuff on a ingredient list for Twinkies. What about you, Joel? Joel: I still think the most interesting thing about this fanfic was the title. What's the connection between Charlie Brown and the dream? Did the author intend for Charlie Brown to be Flynn? His friend who he supposedly shared the dream with? Or maybe even the reader? Tom: Well, idle speculation aside, this is one mystery I'm willing to leave unsolved... what's say we adjourn to the bridge and partake in the fine art of loafing? Joel: Suits me. Lead the way, Garfield. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel placed a martini glass filled to the brim with ramchips on the counter as Tom and Crow drooled nearby. "Okay, guys, if you can tell me a good thing and a bad thing about the fanfic we just read, you get a ramchip. Crow, you can start...." "Okay, okay... ummm... a bad thing was the fanfic made no sense and a good thing...." "Whoa, hold the phone there, Speedy!" Tom protested. "The fanfic was based on the author's dream and since most dreams rarely make sense, can that really be considered a bad thing?" "He's got a point there, Crow." Joel nodded. "Argh... okay, give me a second... umm... bad thing about the fanfic... I know! The author assumed that we'd know what an oppressive downpour in Oregon during December was like, despite the general fanfic reading population being spread over a much wider geographical area!" Crow exclaimed proudly. "Reaching for the stars for that one, eh Crow?" Tom jeered. "Oh, get stuffed, McBile." Crow snapped. "And as for the good thing... uhhh... no senshi named Jupiter got decapitated. Yeah, that's a good thing! Now, gimmie my ramchip!" "Hold your horses, Crow. Your turn, Tommy." Joel replied. "No problem. Let's see... uhh... a good thing about this fanfic was the cryptic title that grabbed our attention... even if the fanfic had absolutely NOTHING to do with Charlie Brown or any other characters from Peanuts...." "Hold it! Foul! Time out!" Crow protested. "The title might be clever, sure, but it's never a good idea to give your fanfic a name that starts with a letter around the end of the alphabet!" "Huh? Why not?" Tom replied, confused. "Simple, bubblebrain, most fanfic archives go by alphabetical order and it's been statistically proven that most casual readers read down the list and rarely get to titles below the letter 'N'!" Crow replied. "What!? That's the biggest crock of monkey snot I've ever heard! And even if that were true, would YOU want to read a fanfic called "AAAAAWelcome To My Nightmare, Charlie Brown"!? Tom retorted. "Beats the hell out of having your work lost in the shuffle!" Crow retorted. "You agree with me, don't you, Joel?" "Uhh, it's an interesting observation, Crow, but... well... I think you're full of it." Joel replied truthfully. "Objection overruled." "Spoilsport." Crow muttered to himself. "Tom, did you have a bad thing to say about the fanfic then?" Joel asked. "Hmmm... only other bad thing I can think to add is the continuing assumption by this author that we've never seen anything as sick and violent as his fanfics. I mean, it's one thing to be confident and proud of your gore but why not let the readers decide for themselves if your fic is one for the dark ages...." "Not only that.... Crow suddenly chimed in. "...but adding gore for gore's sake is pointless with any suspense! And without a decent plot, how can it possibly thrill?" "You, sirs, get a ramchip." Joel replied with a smile as he fished two chips out of the martini glass and fed them to Tom and Crow. "Anyway, we've got a letter to read...." Joel reached into his pocket. "This one is from Marc and he writes...." *Hey, I was just wondering something as I was reading IO Saga. Are you going to have Joel escape and bring Mike up at the end of the 5th season like in the TV show?* "Mike... that name again... why does it seem so familiar... WHY?!?" Crow exclaimed in frustration. "Way to sell the fourth wall, buddy!" Tom marveled. "Well, uh, I don't know any 'Mike', but I'd love to escape if I had the chance. Course that probably won't happen if Dr. Forrester has his way...." Joel said as he returned his attention to the letter. *What about TV's Frank? Ya gonna kill him off for good?* "Doubtful. Dr. Forrester's been trying for years but death won't touch him." Tom remarked. "Yeah, Frank could walk into a nuclear blast and come out with a even tan. Someone up there likes him... or hates him... depending how you look at it." Joel remarked. *Great job, otherwise. Oh, MORE SAILOR MOON MSTINGS! You only had 1 in the entire 3rd season! Heck, why not more of a variety of fanfics anyway? Like, Dragon Ball or Gundam? Later Marc* "Are you kidding? So far this is shaping up to be the most eclectic season we've ever had!" Crow pointed out. "Not to mention the Neon Genesis Evangelion and Gundam Wing collaborations we've been helping MST on the side lately...." Tom whispered to Crow who nodded in agreement. "Still, we appreciate the feedback, Marc! Thanks for writing!" Joel said as he gave the flashing red light on the console a tap. "What'da think, sirs?" * * * DEEP 13 "Stand still, you big baby! I just want to see if Joel's theory holds any water!" Dr. Forrester growled as he finished strapping a miniature A-bomb to Frank's back. "Can I bring along a Ball Park Frank? I skipped lunch again." Frank requested meekly. "Oh, all right! But push the button first! It's greasy enough as it is!" Dr. Forrester snapped as Frank walked over to the console and flashed a thumbs up at the viewscreen before pushing the button. ...AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... I hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome. (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) Author's Notes: Ahh, finished just in time for Valentine's Day... not that this was a particularly romantic fanfic but what the hell, right? I had a little trouble with the host segments this time around because my mind's being stretched in five different places at once right now. Hopefully, things will get back to normal for me sooner than later but in the meantime, I'm looking forward to working on Jack Acid's secret project with Zoogz, as well as another 'Dot Every T' MST... more information on those as it comes.... ;P I've been MSTing for close to five years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me throughout these last three years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who went above and beyond the call of duty by helping me with some in-depth C&C and suggested riffs and the MAD's invention, as well as helped with the host segments. He is a very funny and talented author and you can find his Mystery Science Cinema series at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTing 'Nyquil Doom' w/short 'Changes'. He is also editing several FFIRC group MSTings including 'Battle Royale', coming soon to a fanfiction archive near you! Incidently, The Placid Jack Acid has been kicking it up a notch by releasing several new revisions of his MST 3001 series. All these plus his latest MST 'AlienNation', can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/j_acid/ (We're also hard at work on a group project that must remain secret for now. ;P) You can find his awesome MST3K artwork scattered around the site and hopefully he will be providing some more pictures for AMFAS soon. He can be contacted by e-mail at samearly@hotmail.com Finally, I'd like to thank Ryot for writing 'Welcome To My Nightmare, Charlie Brown' and giving me a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not offended. It's all meant in good fun. :) 'A MSTing for All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst Everything What Is Crap (formerly Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings) http://www.svamcentral.org/ewic SEASON ONE ------------------ 101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon) 102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon) 103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman (SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER) 104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic) 105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic) 107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton (La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover) 108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky (SM/WWF Crossover) w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover) 110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic) SEASON TWO ------------------- 201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon) 202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon) 203- "*R*P*M*" by Ryot (SM/SPAWN Crossover) 204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic) 205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon) 206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover) 207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers) 208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic) 209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon) 210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon) SEASON THREE ---------------------- 301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon) 302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic) 303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic) 304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) 305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON" by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic) 306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon) 307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic) 308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent (R1/2 Lemon) 309- "I WANT TO MEET A PRINCE LIKE DEAR OLD DAD, MOM, SIS, BRO & FRISKY!" by Katherine (Utena Lemon) 310- "THE IO SAGA" PT. 1-4 by Sarah J. Gates (SM Fanfic) SEASON FOUR -------------------- 401- "LINES AS Q PART 2" PT. 1-2 by Dave Hines (ST:TNG Fanfic) 402- "RAW IS ORO" by Jedi Master Horace (WWF/Rurouni Kenshin Crossover) 403- "SABLE TAKES THE GOLD" by Martin4Life (WWF Lemon) 404- "SOMETIMES" by Writer By The Sea (SM/GW Crossover) 405- "WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE, CHARLIE BROWN by Ryot (Original Fanfic) SHORTY! ------------- 101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY! 102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET! 103- PHEROMONES! 104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!! 105- THE SECRET FLAW! OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO --------------------------------------------------------- "DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) "MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover) "THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon) "9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon) 'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE! (Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle) "THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee (Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover) *Recent Collaberations* "REDHEADS" by Robert "Kenko" Haynie (Slayers/Ranma 1/2 Crossover) "WILD SILVER" by Francis Bourque (Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 Crossover) "RELATIONSHIPS" by Sidewinder (Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover) "A LITTLE CHANGE OF PLANS" by Wishbringer (Neon Genesis Evangelion/Ranma 1/2 Crossover) "HOUSE OF IKARI'" by Teisu (Neon Genesis Evangelion) OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING - Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page http://www.nav.to/Zoogz - Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html - The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot"Wong http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html - 'SuicideBlast' by: Keener http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html - Additional links for Keener's stuff http://tmffa.com/ - Website Number 9 MSTings http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml - Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page! http://carnage.fanfic.org - A Sailor Moon Romance http://www.moonromance.com/ - Zen's Fanfiction Page http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html - Webdragon's Lair http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/ - Sean Gaffney's Webpage http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html Seanbaby's NES Page http://www.seanbaby.com/nes.htm X-Entertainment http://www.x-entertainment.com/ "> that was my first thought." Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2002 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....