*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FOUR) EPISODE 40: RANMA THE ASSASIN (A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Ranma the Assasin" is the property of NiChOlAs and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;) Warning: This fic is rated PG-13 for language and violence. (Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last Sunday BC There was this guy named Joel Not so different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another guy in a red jumpsuit He did a great job cleaning up the place, But his bosses really hate him So they shot him into space!!!! Joel: (OH... MY... GODDESS!!!) Crow and Tom: (IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!) (Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout) We'll send him crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala) (Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.) Now keep in mind Joel can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends; ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT: 'Text only'? Gypsy: 'Oh, my!' Tom Servo: 'Sweet-o!' CROOOOOOOW!!! 'I'm not a hentai!' If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!! * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE A yawn escaped the lips of Joel Robinson as he emerged from his room, stretching. He paused as the sounds of quiet sobbing echoed softly from the direction of the bridge. Concerned, Joel quickly made his way there and was shocked to see Crow at the counter, his head buried in his arms, crying. "Crow, what's wrong?" Joel exclaimed as he hurried over to his friend and creation. Crow looked up at him, sniffling. "Oh, Joel... I've made a terrible mistake...." "Oh, come on, it can't be that bad, can it?" Joel inquired gently. "Joel... I'm pregnant." Crow replied flatly. "See, that isn't so ba... WHAT?!?" Joel exclaimed, his eyes wide. "And Gypsy... is the father." Crow continued miserably. "B-But, how can that...." Joel struggled to comprehend what he had just heard when something else caught his attention over Crow's shoulder. A small bed had been set up near the counter with Tom Servo and Cambot both sleeping peacefully next to each other. Then Tom abruptly stirred. "Oh, my head... what was in that stuff...?" Tom moaned as he turned to face Cambot and his jaw dropped. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Tom screamed in horror as he fled from the bed and hovered around in panicked circles. "Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, I slept with Cambot!! What was I thinking!? What was I on!?" Meanwhile Cambot had awakened and was also freaking out, but for an entirely different reason which became clear as a loud and VERY angry Magic Voice made herself heard throughout the satellite. "YOU CREEP!!!" Magic Voice shrieked as Cambot quickly dove under the bed for safety. "OUR ENGAGEMENT IS OFF!!! I... I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!" Magic Voice's anger quickly turned to tears and her cries faded off into the distance as if she were running away. Joel was about to say something when he felt something bounce off his back. Looking down, he spotted a rubber tipped dart. "Oh no, Joel's been shot! But... WHO DONE IT?" Crow exclaimed as dramatic music swelled for a few seconds before abruptly ceasing. "Hey, wait a minute...." Joel frowned. "I can't keep living like this, jumping from bed to bed! I need to take some responsibility for my life!" Tom interrupted as he hovered over to Crow. "Marry me, Crow. I can't offer much but I promise to give it all I got for you... and your baby." "Oh, Tom, I love you... but we're going to graduate soon... and then we'll never see each other again!" Crow sobbed. "Well guys... I guess this is good-bye." Magic Voice abruptly chimed in again. "It's been a lot of fun but I need to strike out on my own and make my mark on the world. There's fortunes to discover and good shoes to try on. I'll... I'll never forget any of you. Good-bye." "Have a good life." Tom replied solemnly as Joel felt something bounce off his neck this time. "Oh no, Joel's been shot again! But... WHO DONE IT?" Crow exclaimed as the dramatic music swelled again. "Uh, guys?" Joel tried to interrupt again only to be drowned out by Tom screaming. "AHHHHHHHH!! I've gone blind! BLIIIIIND!!" "It's okay, Crow! I'm here!" Crow exclaimed as he held Tom close. "S-So dark... can't... breathe...." Tom sobbed. "You can still have a life without sight, Tommy... if you believe in yourself!" Crow exclaimed. "Wait a minute... I... I can see light... I can see... I CAN SEE!!!" Tom exclaimed joyfully. "It's a miracle!" "No, Tommy. It's Christmas." Crow replied warmly as 'Deck the Halls' played throughout the ship. "Will someone please tell me what's going...." Joel growled in frustration as the button for the Hexfield Viewscreen began flashing. "Just a second...." he muttered before giving the button a slap. The Hexfield slowly opened to reveal Gypsy, her head painted white and her eye replaced with a giant laser pointer. Joel quickly averted his eyes as the beam stabbed at him while Gypsy began to speak in a dull monotone. "I AM GYPCUTUS OF BORG... YOUR LIFE AS IT HAS BEEN... IS OVER. FROM THIS TIME FORWARD... YOU WILL SERVICE... ME." Joel was about to reply when he was pushed aside by Crow, now clad in his Star Trek uniform as he calmly intoned. "Mr. Servo... FIRE." "Just a minute, sir. I just got a message." Tom announcing, his voice on the verge of breaking. "Magic Voice... was ambushed while traveling to the moon... her shuttle... was shot down... over the Sea of Tranquillity... it spun in... t-there were no survivors...." The bridge went dead quiet as Cambot slowly panned the room as each crew member expressed their shock and grief over the news... except for Joel who was still in a state of absolute confusion as the red light began flashing on the console and he numbly gave it a press. * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Clayton Forrester smirked at the trio as he faced the viewscreen. "Cute, boobies. Real cute. Joel may not be on to your little game but I am and, suffice it to say, I've already come up with the perfect counter! Frank, if you'll do the honors?" TV's Frank nodded and slowly unbuttoned his jacket. Then he peeled back one side, revealing his left nipple. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" The bots cried out in agony while Joel quickly averted his eyes. Frank then teased closing his jacket several times, a sly grin washing over his face. "Yeah, you want to see me clothed, don't you? Yeah, cause you're a GOOD boy and you have self-respect and uh... stuff." Frank attempted to purr seductively. "That's it, Frankie... make them lose it... make them... uh...." Dr. Forrester abruptly cleared his throat. "Um, yes, well, anyway, Joel, your experiment this week is the fanfic equivalent of trimming weeds with your teeth. I'd call it the 'La Femme Nikita' of Ranma 1/2 fanfics but then I'd be sued for slander. Probably more like the 'Gigli' of Ranma 1/2 fanfics actually. Either way, prepare yourself for PAIN OVERWHELMING with 'Ranma the Assasin'! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Send 'em the fanfic, Frank...." "Yes, my Saiyan." Frank replied as he fed the fanfic into the machine.... * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel and the bots were still shuddering over the sight of Frank's nipple when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out. (Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.) (Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you as you pass through.) (Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.) (Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile before proceeding.) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously, looking for moat monsters.) (Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.) Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >This is my first fanfic _ all characters are property of Rumiko >Takashi, Viz, etc _ I just do this for fun . I hope you enjoy it as >much as I enjoyed writing it! Joel: Well, it was a nice disclaimer and all, but I just didn't enjoy it as much as the author wanted me to.... Crow: I thought it had no texture. Tom: And my soul is definitely lacking.... >C&C are welcome -- but send them directly to me, please. Crow: Anybody got a brick? Tom: We'll get Professor X and Jean Grey on it immediately, sir. Joel: Aww, but I wanted to send the C&C directly to Penthouse Forum! >(Flames are okay - but no infernos please!) Tom: I accept all major campfires but not American Express. Visa. It's everywhere you'd like to burn. >ranma the assasin Tom: An epic poem by archy the cockroach. Joel: OK, who put out a contract on the spellchecker? Crow: Wait, don't tell us, he has a license to kil? >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom: NEMO! Has anybody seen my son, Nemo!? Joel: And here we have Ranma smoking hashish in preparation for this role... >"Get away from me!"ranma shouted as shampoo chased after him >persuading him to eat her ramen."ranma! eat shampoo ramen"shampoo >said cheerfully. Joel: Ranma Saotome (Martialus Aquasexualus Artistus) Tom: Shampoo (Amazonius Felinus Pursuitus) Crow: Meep meep! >Just then akane stepped into the room.RANMA BAKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she >shouted as she saw shampoo hugging ranma around his waist. Crow: Then she saw where Shampoo's face was and she REALLY got upset. Tom: Wait 'til she sees where Ukyou is attached. >archhh!! akane!?This isn't what u think! Crow: Save it, Reggi... Ranma! Tom: It's too far south for the Heimlich maneuver, and too far north for a proctological exam... in that case, you tell me! >Before ranma could finish his sentence,akane already took out her >mallet and smashed ranma in his face. Joel: Sounds more like Akane the Assasin to me right now. Crow: Hold still, Ranma, you have a mole on your face... whoops, it moved again! >After that,ukyo arrived and saw akane hitting ranma.Hey! what do you >think you are doing to my darling ranma! Joel: Well, if you'd hand me that meat tenderizer it'd go a lot faster, Ukyou... Tom: You place the head between the patented pan. And then you reach for the tool that's not a slicer, not a dicer, not a chopper in a hopper.... >Then she pecked ranma on his cheek lightly.ARCHHHHHHHH!!!!!! >Both shampoo and akane screamed. Joel: This fanfic brought to you by Archie Comics. 60 years and still recycling! Crow: And playing the part of Shampoo, Melissa Joan Hart. >Shampoo immidiatly smashed ranma with her bycycle while akane >smashed ranma continusly with her mallet Joel: I like to smash my bicycle.... Tom: Akane's just trying to fit a square peg into a non-existent hole. >"don't hurt my darling!!!!!!!!!"Ukyo joined the fight. >ooooohoooohoooohoooo!!!! Tom: Then Santa Claus arrived to chew candy canes and kick ass. Crow: This is starting to resemble the last five minutes of "Blazing Saddles". >Kodaichi appered through the window Crow: ....ow. Joel: What window? Where the heck are they anyway? Tom: I must enter in my own idiom! >"the only person ranma is marrying is me!""Dream on!"Kodaichi also >joined the fight. Joel: In the name of Martin Tupper, I shall vanquish you! Crow: Now was that in her leotard, alternate schoolgirl uniform, or super-secret vinyl bustier outfit? >Just then,Ryoga apperaed. Tom: Due to new animal control laws and my partner's skittishness with large animals... our show now features baby pigs!! >DIE RANMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!followed by a bunch of massive attacks which >all failed due to ranma's quick reflexes, Joel: I cast... Magic Missile! Tom: You're at the pub, man, you're not IN this battle! Joel: Can someone roll to see if I get drunk then? >but he tripped and fell on shampoo. Crow: Hey, my head is tingling... it must be working! Tom: Aiya! Ranma happy to see Shampoo! >Mouse suddenly appeared and threw chains and knifs at ranma. Joel: Jerry's back and he's pissed! Tom: Whaddaya mean this isn't our set!? Crow: I've come for your women, three big breasted servants aren't enough for me! >HOW COULD YOU TAKE MY DARLING SHAMPOO AWAY!!!!!The rest of the >girls also attacked ranma for touching shampoo. Crow: We like your greasy stringy look better!! Joel: Ranma's face must be approaching Michael Jackson mutilation levels by now.... >E N O U G H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ranma shouted out loud. Crow: No shit. Tom: The limit of people beating me up has been reached, please try again in one hour. Crow: How about we reenact one of my favorite fics now, "The Fist KILLS Everybody"! >Everyone stopped moving,shocked.I have had enough of you people!! >The engagements are all off and I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU >PEOPLE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joel: Get the exclamation point? Crow: Pull the troops out, recall the air strikes, retreat, dammit, RETREAT! >After that ranma jumped put of the window and he never came back >again. Tom: Because the cat *had* come back. He just couldn't stay away. Crow: Two years later, Ranma was found fifteen blocks away brainwashed by a homeless man and his sometime companion. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Crow: Wow, that Hover Bovver guy can mow a helluva lawn! Tom: And so Ranma swam back to China to find the Jusekyou spring... no wait, that would make too much sense.... >It has been 3 years since Ranma left the Tendos and lived on his own. Tom: Where he moved in with his cousin from Mypos... Balki. Joel: He tried to turn on the world with his smile but in the end he couldn't make it after all. >He had no money therefore was forced to steal from people.In the >beginning,it was small offences like stealing,robbing............ Joel: ...telemarketing... Tom: ...running for Congress... Crow: Three more robberies and I'll be ready for barratry! >but soon it became worst and worst. Tom: Can't get much worst than that. Joel: He provided dubbing for Hong Kong movies, the fiend! Crow: He taped Major League Baseball WITHOUT permission!! Tom: And what did they finally catch him for? Downloading "Me Against the Music" on Gnutella. >Last year,ranma was offered a large sum of money to kill a certain >person. Joel: Doctor Phil? Crow: I'd chip in ten bucks for that. Tom: Hell, I'd take out a loan. >Ranma took the job and murdered him. Tom: Ranma performed his standup act and within seconds, he was knocked dead. Joel: OK, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra.... >Soon he began to take up more and more jobs after that. Joel: Why, Mr. Beetleman, you're an assassin too? Crow: It was only a matter of time until Ranma got into life insurance... Tom: Hello, Ranma's Enforced Life-Ending! Mention our name to Randall-Krantz Funeral Home for a 15% discount on "loved" ones' funerals! >Soon,ranma was known in the underworld as the best assasin. Crow: Soon he would expand his operations to the Leevers and Peahats... and the Medicine Woman needed a good scare too. >He was feared by many because of his light speed movement and >ground shaking strength. Joel: And the fact that he could be La Femme Nikita with a splash of cold water was immaterial, right? Tom: He violates too many laws of physics! AHHHHHH!! Crow: You think I'm badass now? Wait till I get LUDICROUS. >It was just another day for ranma's life as he just woke up. Tom: And just stared at the twenty-three mounted heads on his bedroom wall. Joel: Boy, that was a weird dream. Hey Kasumi! Breakfast ready yet? >It was 9 in the morning and he had just received a call from a man that >wanted him to assasin a family making sure the whole family line would >be wiped clear of the earth. Crow: Tito, Jermaine, LaToya... I swear, if one Jackson is left on this planet, we'll ALL pay! >Ranma found out his name was Mr Godo,a rich and famous merchant. Crow: The holidays are here, the boss is gone and GODO GONE CRAZZZZZZY!!! Joel: He was so rich and famous Robin Leach had his own guest cabin. Tom: Whee, playing identification roulette is fun! Who will I be next... ... "Chesty Melons"? >Ranma condsidered the job.He was offered a huge sum of money as a >reward. Joel: Five bucks, a bag of donuts, and a butterscotch enema?!? You've got a deal! Crow: Money?! What the hell! You should know by now, I'm to be paid with CREAM CHEESE, moron! >After a short brief thought he decided to do the job. Crow: Ranma 13: The Professional. Joel: .... >He was told the address where the victim lived. Tom: But every Thursday, when the garbage trucks empty the dumpsters, he moves. Be warned. Crow: Hmm, that's across town... hey Leon? Could you give me a lift tonight? I promise to chip in for gas and acid this time.... >Ranma was told that the victim was the daughter of a teacher who had >a dojo. Crow: ...on the tail of a frog on the bump on the branch on the log in the hole at the bottom of the sea. Tom: Who the heck is telling him all this stuff anyway? Charlie? Joel: Actually, I'd laugh if it was Allen Funt. >That very night,ranma was walking to the destination.He had a feeling >that he knew that place and was determined to find out where on earth >it was. Tom: I know I'll find you somewhere... somewhereeeee... somewhereeeee.... Joel: Why... it's my HAPPY PLACE! Crow: He's walking to his destination yet he's not sure where it is? What is he, frigging Rainman!? >He was shocked to see himself standing right in front of a place called >[TENDO DOJO]. Tom: BOM BOM BOMMMMM! Joel: >GASP!< Tom: Ranma Saotome, THIS IS YOUR LIFE!! >Suddenly,memories started to flood his mind.Memories of the days >when he still lived in the dojo with akane and the rest. Joel: I miss Mary Anne's cooking... and Ginger's dresses. Tom: And yet he didn't recognize the address... Akane's malleting must've inflicted more damage than we thought. Crow: I will not sing 'Memories', damn it... and I... I w-won't cry e-either.... >For once in his live,ranma felt nervous about doing the job.He began to >reconsider,but the thought of the reward he would get was getting the >better of him. Crow: Get Shorty II: The Death of Nabiki. Joel: All I can eat for $4.99... how can I resist!? Tom: And if I don't take no tolls then I don't eat no rolls... yep, got it. Time to die, sucka. >"Damned! What the hell should I do"After a long thought he forced >himself to press. Crow: Open up! Your murders are leading the news tonight and you have five minutes to meet your deadline! >Ranma put on a mask he always used during his accacinations. Crow: And what would those be exactly? Hmm? Hmm? Joel: Now they'll think that Harry Potter did it! Tom: MASK... is the mighty power that will save the day... >He took in a deep breath and dashed into the house at top speed. Joel: HiKasumigottagokillsomeoneseeyabye! Tom: Surprise! Happy Birthday to... AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! >DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Akane was shocked to see him >and couldn't do anything.What!? DIE AKANE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tom: Come again? Crow: DIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... can't be bothered anymore. >ranma thought to himself"this is my chance,i mustn't waist it" Tom: Because a murder is a terrible thing to waist. Joel: I burn 80 calories with every kill! Crow: Richard Simmons 'Deal-A-Death' were surprisingly effective for weight loss.... >When ranma was just about to land his fist into Akane's face,a bright >blue light smashed into one side of ranma's stomach. Joel: Whew! Saved by the blue light special! Tom: Fortunately, Sonic the Hedgehog arrived just in the nick of time! Crow: Hey, I don't drink Labatt's! Gimmie a Moosehead! >Archhhhhhhhh!!!! Ranma flew back and smashed into the wall. Tom: That's right, Meathead! STIFLE! >Damned its Ryoga why must he visit of all times! How did you know >my name! ryoga shouted at him. Joel: Uhh... it's written in your underwear? >Damned this isn't good,guest i have to finish him off too.Ranma >concentrated and focus a large amount of chi into his palm. Crow: And as long as he doesn't focus his palm down his pants, we're all happy. Joel: Five hours later, Ranma was still at it while the family decided to go to bed. >DIE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He smashed the chi into the ground >and it began to shake.What the,man that guy is strong. Crow: Special guest appearance by Disembodied Man! Tom: We replaced the Ranma in this fanfic with Terry Bogard. Let's watch... >Just then,the whole dojo exploded causing everybody to fly back. Joel: I really shoulda had that gas main checked... Crow: Must be a helluva hockey game going on in there. >Akane smashed through the wall causing her head to bleed badly. Crow: Akane IS Big Jim Slade! Tom: You call that a bladejob!? I want full crimson mask, dammit! >Even ryoga was having difficulty standing. Tom: Drunken boxing is *hic* harder than I thought.... >Ranma panted in and out slowly to regain his stamina. Crow: H-hey! Quit mooning us, you pervert! Joel: Man, who would've thought an assasin would be so out of shape. >I MUST PROTECT AKANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ryoga shouted at >the top of his lungs. Joel: Ouch! How about protecting my eardrums first? Tom: Little late there, partner. *drip, drip* Hoo boy, I'm feelin' faint.... >He charged into ranma and started punching ranma all over with every >bit of his strength. Tom: It's the... eye of the tiger... Crow: No! SWEEP THE LEGS! DO IT!! Joel: Get 'im a bodybag!! YEAAAAAAHHH! >Damn you!! Ranma shouted followed by another blast of ki into ryoga's >face. >Ryogo wasn't prepared for this one and flew backwards crashing into >the television. Tom: Dammit, Simon Cowell was coming up next with his review! >Ryoga couldn't take it anymore, Joel: So he dished it out. Crow: Twisted Sister is over! OVER!!! Tom: ...so he joined up with Martin Sheen, Stanley Spadowski and the rest of America. >"sorry Akane,i cannot protect you!"ryoga said before fainting. Tom: That's no reason to take cyanide, you dolt! Crow: Mmmmm... bitter almonds. >Now akane was the only one left conscious. Joel: Quick, Akane! Use the Phoenix Down! Crow: Fortunately, Ranma panted himself to hyperventilation. >Ryoga! Akane screamed.Ranma walked towards akane silently. Tom: Uh, I'm pretty sure your element of surprise has been completely used up by now, Ranma.... Crow: Hmm, should I risk a level 3 execution? Where'd I put that glass shard anyway? >he was standing right in front of her,akane leaning against the table >due to her injured leg also fom the collision. Crow: Good thing the Tendos decided to furnish their back yard. >Ranma rasied his hand and removed his mask. Joel: No! Santo, don't remove your mask! Crow: Have you guessed who it is? Do you folks at home know? Tom: Now where the hell did that freakin' Christine wander off to now!? >Akane was shocked to see who it was.Her whole body suddenly >weighed a ton more than it was just 10 seconds ago. Joel: I knew I should've skipped those franks n' beans.... Tom: Yakko, Wakko, and Dot were reported in the vicinity. They may be armed with anvils and are considered dangerous... Crow: Ah, finally! Some PMS power! What took you so long!? >Ran....ranma!? You are the assasin!? Crow: Yeah, that's pretty much what the title says... Tom: No, I'm the Pumaman. Seen any Aztecs around here? >Tears began to form in akane's eyes. Ranma face had no expression. >He raised his fist up and qlenched it. Joel: That's the oldest qliche in the book. Crow: Hasta la sayonara... baby. >He was about to smashed akane in her face but somehow he couldn't >make himself do it. Crow: Ehh, she deserves a gut shot more. Joel: Where the heck IS her face in all that blood anyway? >Seeing her face with a worried expression on it, he just couldn't make >himself do it. Tom: Damned random paralysis! Crow: Aw, geez, nobody told me girls would cry if I tried to kill them! What am I supposed to do now!? >he slowly lowered his fist and lossened the grip."damned"Ranma turned >and left. Crow: Chickened out again, huh? Same time tomorrow? Joel: Hey, I came close this time! I really did! I even clicked the safety off! Just wait'll next year! >Just when he was about to reach the door,bullets flew through the >window. Tom: Just then, Elliot Ness and his Untouchables toppled a speakeasy in Nerima... Crow: You've got t' the count of ten to get off my property! One... two... TEN! HAHAHAHAHA!! >What! ranma barely managed to dodge the bullets."Damned! hide >akane!"Ranma charged out of the door,"damned leave akane alone!" Tom: Damned, get some new expletives already! Joel: But it's Akane season! Crow: Ranma season! >Mr Godo was standing outside the dojo with a group of other assasins >he hired. Crow: Don't make me send James Earl Ray in there, Ranma! Tom: Oh, what is this? 'Kill Godo' Vol. 1? Is Sonny Chiba going to come out and amuse us now? >"Ranma! what a failure you are! I am so disappointed with you.So,you >are not going to kill her,if that is the case then you shall die, Joel: He's reading from the Bad Guy Mad Lib Primer #2! Tom: Oh goodie, I'm off the hook then? >ATTACK HIM ASSASINS!" Tom: We need fart power now! Unleash the asses of JUSTICE! Crow: Leave everything to me! >Damned!"ranma charged towards the assasins"DON'T YOU DARE >LAY YOUR HANDS ON AKANE!" Tom: Uh, YOU'RE the target now, remember? Crow: Actually we were planning on passing numerous chunks of lead through her major organs. That OK with you, sport? >with that ranma started blasting the assasins with his ki blasts. Crow: Yes, Ranma was surely filled with pride and confidence after FAILING to accomplish his mission! Joel: Are our Kevlar vests ki-proof? >"damned theres too many of them"Ranma was punched by one of the >assasins while another one kicked him in his >stomach.ARCHHHHHHHHH!"damn that hurts". Joel: I wonder why they dropped their guns? Tom: I wonder where they GOT their guns. Crow: I knew I should've given my assasins more than one bullet each! >He continued to fire ki blasts at the assasins. Joel: Ranma is much more effective when Akane mans the crank. >Suddenly,ranma was hit by a huge black ball of light on his >back. Tom: Cyclops' evil brother Black-Eyed Pea was seen in the vicinity... Crow: It knocked Ranma out but all it did to Akane is make her shoelaces glow. >Archhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ranma shouted in pain as the blast >burned his skin causing his back to bleed. Joel: Couldja keep it down? They're about to do the rose ceremony over here! >Ranma thought to himself"damned i have no choice i guess i will have >to use my final attack". Crow: I'll put them between my fingers and CRUSH THEIR HEADS! Tom: Oh yeah?! Well, I'm pinching your face RIGHT NOW!! >Ranma began to focus all his ki into one huge massive ball of energy. Joel: Then he sold it to Pee Wee Herman. Tom: This gives all-new meaning to "Dead or Alive Volleyball". >He concentrated liked he never did before. Joel: Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.... Crow: The square root of 45,402... is... >His body began to glow red .None of the assasins could get near >him.Ranma raised his hand. Tom: SHOWTIME, SYNERGY!!! >A huge massive reb ball of ki twice the size of the dojo appered. Tom: Enveloping everyone before he could fire the damn thing off, the dope. Crow: Hey! Johnny Yuma! Long time no see, man! >DIE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tom: ...take two. Joel: Deja vu! Crow: Electric boogaloo. >Ranma shouted as loud as he could before letting out the massive ball >of chi.every single assasine was wiped out in a instance. Joel: I have no regrets... Tom: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! Joel: Okay, maybe one. >Even ranma himself got affected by the blast. Crow: Crap, those were my best shoes. >After the blast dispersed,akane came out of what was left of the dojo. Joel: In fifteen charred bits. Tom and Crow: Joel: And then... the Second Impact hit. >"Ranma!"where are you!Akane found ranma lying on the ground >bleeding badly. Joel: Hurts, don't it? Crow: Hey, you're bleeding almost as badly as I was ear... li... *thud* Tom: I regret I have one life to give to my tomboy.... >She ran towards him and helped him up.Ranma was unconscious. Crow: ...thus he immediately collapsed and snapped his ankles. Tom: Damn, I forgot the sticks and string. >Akane thought back to everytime she hitted ranma.Every time she >insulted him for something he did not even do. Joel: Dang, I should've hit him harder for that time... and THAT time too! Crow: He's right! I did deserve death! Ranma, wake up and kill me! I was wrong to fear for my worthless life! >It was then when she realized how many times she blamed ranma for >something he never did. Joel: Let's see... seventy-three... carry the five... Crow: Compared to all that chump change stuff, almost murdering me will be more than enough to hold over him for a lifetime! >A wave of guilt passed through her. Tom: No wait, that was just a bullet. >Tears were beginning to form in akane's eyes. Crow: Oh great... *choke*... the bodies of my family are getting ripe... *gag*... never a damned clothespin around when you need one.... Joel: Eww.... >She started crying thinking of all the things she did to him. Crow: AGAIN?? Look, this is getting monotonous! Joel: Short sheeting his bed, stealing his pillows, soaping his windows, dipping his hand into warm water.... Tom: Meanwhile, Ryoga had long since entered medical shock and was trending towards brain damage. >One drop of her tear dripped onto ranma's face waking him >up."...Ranma!?"You are awake."yea i suppose"ranma replied with a >slight smile on his face."can u get up?"akane asked concerned "yea >i'll try"akane lifted ranma's hand onto her shouder and pulled ranma >up. Crow: Thanks... now DIE ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Joel: Whoops... your hand just came clean off there. How about your arm... oh, shoot... >The tendos were beginning to awake and saw ranma badly injured. Tom: *yawns* Rather drafty in here, isn't it? Crow: Wow, that was a refreshing nap. Joel: Tadaima! I'm back from Tofu's and... oh my! Tom: ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz..... >"akane bring him in here quickly"Kasumi said concenly. Crow: Yeah, this may be our only chance to finish him off! Joel: I'll be sure to bring Tofu and be present the whole time. >Just then,ranma saw my Mr godo lying on the floor.He was still >alive though suffering terrible. Crow: ...migraines. Tom: I know how he feels. Joel: It was then when Ranma realized how many times he blamed Mr. Godo for something he never did.... >Ranma didn't really care about him until he managed to take out his >gun and shot it at akane before he died. Joel: Then he watched him with mild concern as the life faded from Akane's eyes and Godo turned his gun on Soun. Crow: Then he watched him with slight trepidation as he turned the gun on Nabiki. Tom: Then he watched with undisguised glee as he turned the gun on Genma. >AKANE WATCH OUT!!!! ranma shouted."huh!?"akane replied surprised.By >then the bullet was already reaching akane. Joel: At that time, Akane entered the Matrix... Crow: Oh joy, I can hardly wait for 'Assasin Reloaded'. >Ranma had no choice.He made a leap forward and blocked the bullet >from reaching akane. All: Yayyyyyy! >But in return,he got hit by the bullet. All: Yayyyyyy! Crow: And it didn't pass through Ranma? What kind of cheap ass ammunition are those assasins using anyway!? Tom: Hollow tip and hollow shell. Joel: Natch. >He let out a gasp before falling onto the floor. Tom: Archhhh.... Crow: Jugheadddd.... Joel: Mr. Weatherbeeeee.... >Ranma! akane screamed. Ranma smiled at her. Crow: Guess he fired only five times. Whoops. Tom: You'll eat my ashes when I'm dead right? Joel: Umm... >He said softly "aka.....ne i've never reall....y sa..........id >t....his before but but I love you" Tom: That's why the killer's remorse didn't even surface until after I had already smashed your house and rearranged your face. Crow: Looks like he only shot you in your shin...obu. >"i love you too ranma, i've always love you but did not dare say it" Joel: But I love the fact that you're dying even more. >"glad to hear that"after that sentence,ranma died leaving a smile on >his face. Crow: And here I thought I'd never find out what happened to you. Score one for me! Joel: Phew, Ryoga, we were able to live the lie until he finally died! Uh, Ryoga? Ryoga?! >well,how did you like it?must have been really bad right? Tom: Let's put it this way... ARRRRRRRRRRRRCH!!! Crow: Hear, hear. >but cmon give me some credit,this is my first fic i ever wrote. Joel: And how did you like the inevitable sequel setup for "akane the assasin"? >Hope i willl improve and hope you will like my other new once that i >will make in the future;) Tom: I'm sure Dr. F already has the VCR programmed. Crow: Look for Kasumi the Vegtaran and Nabiki the Ticooon, coming... probably about an hour or so! >NiChOlAs Joel: Hey, Torgo has a nom de plume! Good for him. Crow: Boy, I hope Uncle Frankie Coppola likes my first screenplay! Tom: This fanfic brought to you by the Proctologists of America. Be sure to have your assasin checked annually. Joel: Oh, you.... Crow: Heh heh heh. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE The counter on the bridge had been replaced with a long table with four microphones and a pitcher of water. Four plastic chairs rested behind the table. "Hear ye, hear ye!" Magic Voice proclaimed. "This military tribunal is now in season! The United States Army versus The A-Team! The honorable... and sexy... General Cambot presiding!" Cambot's chroma flushed as he watched Joel, Tom, Crow and Gypsy enter the makeshift courtroom and each take a seat. Joel was wearing a beige jumpsuit with black gloves and had a cigar clenched between his teeth. Tom was dressed in a suit that screamed 'car salesman'. Crow was wearing a leather bomber jacket and cap while Gypsy had a truckload of chains around her tube and an earring. "The defendants are hereby charged with the crime of... uh... what exactly did you guys do again?" Magic Voice whispered. "Well, I don't know about my colleagues, but I must plead guilty to several dozen crimes of passion...." Tom replied with a swagger. "Cut your jibber-jabber, foo'! This ain't no love connection!" Gypsy growled as best she could in a falsetto. "I think we robbed a bank or something... then broke out of prison and went on the run for years." Joel offered. "Your honor, if I may?" Crow spoke up. "I'd like to call my first witness...." "Murdock! What are you doing!? I'm representing us!" Tom interrupted in a panicked voice. "Just trust me here, Faceman." Crow replied cheerfully while patting Tom's head. "I'd like to call my first witness... someone who was present with us at the time of the alleged bank robbery and someone who can clearly establish our innocence... my dog, Billy." Tom groaned and buried his face into his arms while Joel desperately tried to hold back a livid Gypsy. "You ain't got no dog, you crazy fool!" Gypsy roared as Crow stepped in front of the table, looked down and began talking to the empty floor. "Sit. Stay. Good witness. Now then, Billy, were you present at the time of the bank robbery in question?" Crow inquired, tilting his head to the side. There was a long silence as Crow slowly nodded a few times. Then he looked up at Cambot with an air of satisfaction. "The defense rests, your honor." "No, we don't! Murdock, get off the stand!" Tom cried out as Joel rose from his seat. "Your honor, if I may?" Joel said before moving in front of the table where Crow was cuddling his non-existent dog. "Good work, Captain. I'll take it from here...." "Good luck, Colonel. Come on, Billy!" Crow replied with a jaunty salute before returning to his seat. Meanwhile, Joel took a bite out of his chocolate cigar and addressed Cambot. "Your honor, what you see here today is a group of the finest men I've ever known, in both character and combat. While it's true that we've spent the past few years evading the military police, it's only fair to say that in that time, we've done our fair share of helping those who needed us most, just as we did in Vietnam when we loyally served our country." Tom and Gypsy both breathed a sigh of relief. "Hannibal won't let us down...." Gypsy whispered to Tom who nodded. Joel suddenly chuckled as he sat on the edge of the table. "Yeah, teasing Colonel Decker and Lynch was a real hoot. I still laugh when I think of the time we overturned Decker's jeep with that tank, dunked Lynch in oil, made them both dance the chicken...." "Uh, Hannibal?" Tom interrupted nervously. "But I digress... I have to admit that I get a real rush out of beating the odds, betting against the house, the deck stacked against us... why I'd bet I could deliberately mess up my testimony just to make it THAT much more satisfying when we get acquitted. Bet that'd burn you up, eh judge? After all, you only have ONE chance to get us...." Joel said with a big grin. "Oh no, Hannibal's on the jazz again! What're we gonna do now?" Gypsy exclaimed. "Your honor, at this time, I'd like to request that I be tried separately from this group...." Tom began. "WHAT!? You betta be joking, sucka!" Gypsy growled as she loomed over a cowering Tom. "O-Of course I was... heh... y-your honor, I'd like to put B.A. Baracus on the stand...." "About time, fool!" Gypsy grunted as she knocked her chair over standing up and then somehow uplifted the entire table, knocking Joel to the floor. "Now listen here, suckas! We innocent! We didn't rob no bank! And if you don't let us go, I'll put some gold in your teeth with my FIST! Now, you got somethin' to say?!?" Gypsy pressed her nose directly against Cambot's lens as he nervously shook his head from side to side. "Good! Come on, fools! Back to the van! We've got little kids to save!" Gypsy snarled before storming out. "I love it when a trial comes apart." Joel smirked as he picked himself off the floor and chuckled at the shaken Cambot. "Not so fast, buster!" Magic Voice abruptly growled. "On behalf of General Cambot, I am entering a verdict of GUILTY to all defendants on all counts!" "Hey, you can't do that!" Tom exclaimed, horrified. "I just did! And I've decided to sentence you all to thirty years of hard labor at... umm... Oz! Yeah, that place oughta hold you good!" Magic Voice proclaimed triumphantly. A hushed silence fell over the courtroom as gritty music played over the loudspeakers. All four A-Team members had a look of shock on their faces as they walked out of the courtroom, one by one. Then Cambot accessed his caption function to display the following words... "TO BE CONTINUED...." The music swelled to an appropriate climatic peak, and then fell silent as Joel and the bots returned to the bridge, laughing. "Wow, these television season-ending cliffhangers are fun! They really up the drama!" Joel exclaimed while taking another bite from his cigar. "And you can usually just have the B-grade scriptwriters doing them too!" Crow added. "But are you sure one of the A-Team seasons had this cliffhanger? I know they had a trial at some point but...." Tom began. "Who cares? It was still fun!" Gypsy exclaimed as she lowered her head and gold chains began slipping off her body to the floor. "So what should we do next?" Joel asked. "How about an anime them? I could fail to summon Suzaku!" Tom exclaimed. "Nah... I got it! We'll pick a fight with a god and I'll sacrifice myself to save you guys and the universe?" Crow suggested. "And waste precious hours crying over you while enduring LONG-ass introspective flashbacks? I don't think so." Tom muttered. "Joel, was Richard Basehart ever in a cliffhanger?" Gypsy inquired hopefully. "I don't know, Gypsy... oh wait, I've got a good one! How about we pretend the satellite is crashing down to earth and we think we're going to die but we end up back at my apartment, living together and watching bad movies!" Joel exclaimed. There was a long pause as everyone considered this idea. Then they shook their heads and simultaneously replied. "Nahhhhh...." "Yeah, you're right. Dumb idea." Joel sighed as he noticed the red light flashing on the console. "Anyway, what'd think, sirs?" * * * DEEP 13 Frank stood in front of the console and opened his mouth to speak only to quickly shut it again and look from side to side. Then he smiled and opened the left side of his jacket again before reaching over to push the button, whispering to the camera.... "You know you want me baby." ...AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... I hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome. (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) Author's Notes: Hey everyone! I managed to finish another MST in a little over a month! Woo hoo! Seriously, though, I've been feeling pretty good lately and I hope to continue to increase my productivity in the future with my MSTs and collaborations. I originally had a much different idea for the season four finale that I may still use in the future but then I came up with the idea of parodying season finale clichés themselves and it was too tempting to pass up. Finally, my apologies for Frank nipple, he just can't help himself at times. ;P Also, for those that missed it, I completed my very first author's commentary of 'Artemis's Lover' and you can find it at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent/al67dvd.html I've been MSTing for over six years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing.... - Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings 'Moon Honey Flash' and 'From Weird to Weirder'. The editing of the FFIRC MSTing 'Battle Royale' is also complete and all of these can be found in the 'Recently Completed Projects' section of 'A MSTing For All Seasons'. Finally, Zoogz is currently finishing up the first chapter of a fanfic collaboration with Rahkal called "Crossed Signals", coming soon to a fanfiction archive near you! Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out the newest chapter of HaM, you can reach him at gary@garykleppe.org or his webpage at http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html and I'm sure he'll be happy to send the story along to you. ***All of my MSTings and the MSTings I've contributed to can be found in the various catagories at:*** 'A MSTing for All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://www.svamcentral.org/svam/ >Tears began to form in akane's eyes. Ranma face had no expression. >He raised his fist up and qlenched it. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2004 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....