*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON ONE) EPISODE 5: THE WAR (A Ranma 1/2 MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 (megane67@rogers.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.... Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. "The War" is the property of M. Llave and he's welcome to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as another form of C&C. ;) This fanfic is rated PG-13 for mature content. DEEP 13 23:20 HOURS "Step on the scale, Frank...." Dr. Clayton Forrester, mad scientist and evildoer that could give Dogbert a run for his money, was carefully studying the read-out of the electronic scale while his assistant, TVs Frank, looked to have put on a bit of weight as his black, double-breasted, jumpsuit strained against the fabric. "Eureka! It works!" Dr. Forrester announced as he raised a fist into the air. "And those smug, snobby, dietitians and nutritional know-it-alls think they're better than me?! HA!!!" "It is to laugh, eh, Dr. F?" Frank replied nervously as he struggled to button his pants. "I tell you right now, Frank... If that insignificant pimple in the buttcrack of the universe, Joel Robinson, can come up with a better invention than me this week, why I'll... I'll...." "Come up with a better one next week?" Frank guessed. "Well, of course...." Dr. Forrester replied in a normal voice. "BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!!!" he suddenly screamed. "Joel thought he was REAL cute trying to invent something last time that appealed to the anime fans out there...." "You mean, T.R.I.S.H?" Frank asked. "Yes... but my point is, TWO can play at that game. If he wants to play hardball with me, my baseball bat awaits his pitch. Oh yes...." Dr. Forrester had an evil grin as he rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Call them up, Frank...." * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE A LITTLE EARLIER.... "Bring out the box!" Crow did so and Joel reached inside to grab a bunch of fan letters and began to read them out loud. "As before, to protect the privacy of the people who wrote in, we've left off the last name and e-mail address of the senders. Don't worry, they're all genuine." Tom pointed out. Our first letter comes to us from Rebecca and he writes.... *I just read your "Judge Brainitite 6.7" MST3K, and I wanted to send you mail letting you know how absolutely hilarious it was. You've obviously gotten a lot of that, but what the heck. ^_^ Some of my favorite bits were the spidey sense line, "Shampoo, Repent, Repeat", and pretty much everything followed up by "Crow....". ^_^ You are obviously a twisted little monkey, and we're all the happier for it. Well, all of us except Oscar. Some people have no sense of humor. -_-;; Please keep doing these when you can! ^_^ Rebecca, who is off to read the Jupiter/Godzilla one, then to find the other two on the web... *_* "Thanks, Rebecca! We hope you like the other three as well!" Crow replied cheerfully. "Our next letter comes to us from Angel and she writes...." *Hi I've read your four sailor moon misting and I think that there pretty good. I laughed though all of them and I agree about Artimis's lover *shudder* I was wondering if you've done any other misting i.e. Ranma 1/2 cause I would love to read them. also how do I get on the FFML cause I really want to well keep up the good work can't wait to read your next stuff, bye now;)* "We be sure to send a copy of this MSTing to you, Angel. To subscribe on the FFML, just send a e-mail to ffml-request@anfics.com, type "Subscribe" in the body, follow the instructions and you're all set!" Tom replied. "We have a letter from LaShawn and she writes...." *Deep Hurting!!! Deep Hurting!!! Oh, this was bad. This was so bad. Tears were pouring out of my eyes, it was so so bad. Where did you find this...this abomination?!?! Oh, this was bad. This was bad. I am now convinced that this should be your new purpose in life...to seek out awful fanfics for poor Joel and the Bots to hack, slash, and overall have complete fun with. And I hope you'll include some more fan mail. That email from Oscar had me on the floor! I would visit his homepage just to convulse over the incredible amount of horrid fiction he has there. Thanks for introducing him into our lives. Whenever I feel like my own writing is lousy, I'll have this and Oscar to cheer me up. Keep MSTing the fics!!!* "It amazes me how well known Oscar is now that people are aware of his fanfics through our MSTings." Tom said. "Yeah, Oscar's well on his way to becoming the next Stephen Ratliff." Crow joked. "But in all fairness, Oscar has apologized since his last post for threatening us and even gave us some more of his fics to MST...." Joel explained. "Really?" Crow's voice was tinged with surprise. "Yeah, he's been a really good sport about it and... oops, looks like the Mads are calling!" Joel exclaimed as the red light on the console started to flash. Joel gave the box to Crow to put away while he answered the Mads page. The viewscreen soon came to life, revealing the smiling vintage of Dr. Forrester. "Greetings, my little Lemmings! Are you ready to fall off a cliff, build bridges, and even blow yourselves up to please your favorite player?" "Just point and click the way, sir...." Joel replied sarcastically. "Do we still win if only 50% of us, survives?" Crow added. Dr. Forrester chuckled, continuing to rub his hands together. "I'm glad to see your sense of humor hasn't diminished boys. It will make my victory all the more satisfying when I blow you out of the water with my latest invention... But where are my manners? You may go first, Joel." "Uh... okay." Joel replied as he went behind the counter to pull out a microphone. He held it as he began to explain it's purpose. "Over the past few years, old rock bands have been coming out of retirement to cash in on their lasting popularity. Unfortunately, some of these bands no longer possess the golden throats they once had. Now, I don't want to mention any names, since I'm not the type to *KISS* and tell, but these bands, great as they were, just can't reach those high octaves anymore.... "Now, thanks to this...." Joel held up the cordless microphone. "All those bands will be able to sound exactly the same as they did in their prime! Inside this microphone is a special filter that fixes any and all problems with harmony, diaphragm control, dynamics and word emphasis of the voice being used to sing. You simply program the song into the mike with the help of this little keypad...." Joel opened a little hidden compartment in the side of the mike where the numbers 0-9 were visible. "The tiny microchip contained in the base of the mike has a complete data record of every song in existence. You just push in the number and start singing." Dr. Forrester forced a smile as loose skin began to flake off from his hands. "Interesting... but how do you tell the microphone which section, the person singing, is in?" Joel opened another hidden compartment on the opposite side. There were four tiny switches marked Alto, Soprano, Tenor and Bass. "Right there sir. This mike takes care of everything. I've decided to call it, *M.I.K.E*! Crow frowned. "That name again... where have I heard it before... I can't put my finger on it...." "Never mind, Crow. *M.I.K.E* stands for *Mighty Impressive Kareoke Emulator*. Tom finished for him. "What do you think, sir?" Joel asked. Dr. Forrester gave out a low laugh, his chaffed hands beginning to bleed a little. Noticing this, he quickly wiped them off on his labcoat and prepared to deliver his own invention.... "Well, Joel, My invention is for all those people out there who want to lose weight. For all those people who want to lose that layer of blubber you developed over the summer... For all those people who want to find a girlfriend but are afraid of the resulting earthquake that comes from walking up to her... For all the people who want to laugh at the fatsos in the Big and Tall section of a department store instead of *being* the one laughed at... and for all the people who have caused women to faint, men to puke, and children to run away in terror just because they chose to visit a nude beach for the first time...." Dr. Forrester walked over to a large treadmill where Frank, still as bloated as ever, gasped for breath as he ran in place. "As you can see, I forced Frank to eat triple helpings of his breakfast, lunch and dinner for the past two weeks. Now, he is running on this treadmill, trying to work off the weight, or so it would seem..." "However...." Dr. Forrester adjusted his glasses as he continued. "Muscle is heavier than fat and thus he would GAIN some weight before he started to lose it. Do you follow me so far, Joel?" "I think so...." Joel replied. "Now, this treadmill had a special computer that measures just how long and how hard Frank has to use it in order to gain some weight right up until the point when he starts to lose some weight. Then, once it has processed this information, the treadmill then proceeds to run normally until the subject, Frank, begins to lose some weight. Once that happens.... The treadmill suddenly came to a halt. Frank gasped and then collapsed to his knees, grateful for the breather. Then, in a loud digitized voice, the treadmill announced. "YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT. DO NOT USE THE TREADMILL AGAIN UNTIL SPECIFIED." Joel scratched his head. "I don't get it....?" "Frank's workout is done for the day and as you can see, he's very happy about it, as will most overweight people be glad that they don't have to run anymore. A couple of days will go by, during which time the overeater will be dying to pig out, and then the machine will tell him to run again, only to stop when the user begins to lose weight again. The process continues until finally the user gives in to his cravings or the person slowly gains enough weight to have a heart attack and die. Either way, the world will never be the same again, until they surrender to ME that is! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!" Joel looked at his robot creations, who shared a 'This guy is a total loon' sentiment between them without having to say a word. "Oh, that's evil, Dr. F... really...." "Glad you think so. Since your last invention was based on an anime theme, I've decided to name my treadmill... *PLEASE SAVE MY GIRTH!*" Dr. Forrester exclaimed with a smug expression. Joel and the bots face faulted, bringing an amused grin to Dr. Forrester's features. "Well, that's that. Now for today's experiment, I've decided to shy away from Sailor Moon fanfics and focus on Ranma 1/2. This time you won't be receiving a mere *short*, oh no, you'll be getting the whole enchilada, babycakes! The fanfic this week is 'The War' by M. Llave, starring Nabiki Tendo, Tatewaki Kuno and a whole bunch of nameless grunts. Enjoy! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! Send them the fanfic, Frank...." "(gasp)... I... I don't think... (wheeze)... I...." Frank gasped weakly just before he passed out. Dr. Forrester sighed. "They just don't make assistants like they used to. Now I know how Mr. Peabody felt...." he muttered under his breath as he went to send the fanfic.... * * * Joel and the bots were still trying to recover from the name of Dr. F's invention when alarms and sirens suddenly rang out. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out. (Door 6: It's a bunch of laser beams. You use a mirror to clear a path.) (Door 5: It's made of Jenga pieces. You take a block from the bottom and you put it on top until you can crawl through.) (Door 4: It falls towards you, missing your foot by millimeters.) (Door 3: It's a normal door. You have to turn the knob to open it.) (Door 2. It's made of liquid metal. You give it John Connor's location and it slinks away.) (Door 1: It swirls open from the center.) (Door .7: The camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.) Joel walks into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >Nihao!!! >I'm M. Llave. Tom: For I... can't... help... falling M. Llave... with... you.... Crow: Buildings burn, people die, but real M. Llave is forever.... >This is my first fan fic, well actually my third but the others got >erased due to a computer problem. Joel: More like a blessing in disguise. Crow: Hey, maybe Windows 95 isn't so bad after all! Tom: Windows 95... the only program that let's you multicrash. >Well since I don't know much about writing pls. Send your comments >to me about this fan fic I made. Tom: If you don't want to talk about my fanfic then piss off! >All comments good or bad I shall accept, pls. Joel: Plus? Please? Pupils? Crow: This bitch is highly sensitive. We're talking TNT on PLS! >Mail your comments at mig@philonline.com.ph Crow: Philonline.com Only $29.95 a month for 90 hours with Phil! >I hope you enjoy!!! >The War Crow: Well thanks, and I hope you enjoy The Famine. Joel: I'm particular to The Pestilence myself. Tom: The purpose of war is to serve itself... kinda like a buffet! >Nabiki looked at the horizon in front of her. She had not seen the >horizon from the location she was on for a long time. Joel: Come on, daddy! Lift me higher! I wanna see the parade! Tom: D-Don't you think you're getting... *grunt*... a little too old for this... *gasp*.... >Her thoughts were full of hatred yet her face did not show it. She wore >a red beret on her head (which made her look cute to some people) Crow: But comical to her friends. Joel: I never knew Nabiki was a Guardian Angel. Tom: 100 girls... will fight one day.... All: But only THREE... make the red BERET! >and a pair of binoculars around her neck. Her face glistened with the >sun's dull yellow rays hitting her sweat. Crow: Wouldn't that boil her alive? >Her arms legs and body were a little bigger now, Joel: Arms have legs? Crow: Whoa, Nabiki's bulking up! >showing evidence of her lifting heavy things; Crow: Gentlemen of the Jury, I ask you to take note of the bulges on her arms and legs, clear evidence that she has in FACT been lifting heavy things! Is that not true Miss Tendo? Tom: Yes it's true, it's all true! Damn you, Buns of Steel! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! >yet her beautiful figure had never changed. Crow: One of the reasons I *Llave* anime women! Joel: Now that I think about it, that name sounds vaguely familiar... Didn't Minmei sing a song with that name in it? Crow: That's "Do you remember *LOVE*". I was thinking of that Mariah Carey song.... Tom: Oh! *DreamLlaver!* >Beside her was Ranma, his face was hard and strong. It was evident >that he was serious and angry about something. Crow: First, Zenki puts me with my mother, then I had to marry Cologne and now I'm even falling in love with that brat, Usagi! Someone's going to pay for this! >His face bore remnants of his past battles. Joel: He should really take a bath more often. Crow: Hey lady! Wanna see my scars? >Below the two in the APC 10 hired mercenaries rested at the moment. Joel: Oh, Nabiki's teaching courses now? Tom: This... is Ranma. This... is a bucket of water. THIS... is an exploitable resource. Any questions? >"It as been a year Ranma since we came back here.", Nabiki said >braking the silence. Tom: Woah, girl! Ease off the cola! Crow: Didn't your father teach you any manners? Joel: Nope, just how to sob and kowtow to old perverts. >"Yes, it has been a long time.", Ranma said quietly. "I think our >search for Akane and the others will be over soon.", she said. Tom: Judging by the stench of their rotting flesh, I'd say they were pretty close.... >Ranma did not react to this and he slowly went into the APC. *** Ah >there he goes again. As silent as he was when he found out about what >happened in Nerma. Oh well I think we should be off. *** Crow: Pretty stars... pretty stars.... Joel: You've been watching too much Dragon Half, Crow. >Nabiki went into the APC and ordered a mercenary, Joel: Give me a mercenary with bacon and cheese, a side order of grunts and hold the hostages! >"Lets go, drive!", she said. Joel: Drive. Half brother of *Wedge* from Final Fantasy. >"Yes commander!", he replied. All: COBRRRRRRRRA!!! >The APC went across the vast waste land towards Nerma. They >stopped five miles from it to take a rest for the night. >Nabiki hid under dinning table. Crow: There's a dining table in the APC? Tom: As your fearless leader, There's no risk I won't take! Now YOU get out there! >She was happy that her work papers were surrounding the whole table >so she could not be seen. Joel: Here we have Miss Nabiki Tendo, she's trying not to be seen. >*** Akane, Kasumi, dad where are you hiding? *** Akane's foot steps >went rushing near the table, then a harsh voice yelled at her. >"You come with me!!!", a short sturdy looking soldier yelled at Akane. Joel: Don't make me bite your kneecaps! >"No way!!!", Akane shout as she kicked him out of the dinning room >and into the pond. Tom: Now she'll have to be penalized a stroke. >A large splash was heard and soon Akane yelled for her sisters and father. >"Kasumi!!! Nabiki!!! Dad!!! Where are you!?!?!", she yelled. Crow: And where's Scooby Doo?!? Joel: We're under the furniture dear, be a good girl and beat up the nice men in cammos. >Nabiki was about to answer her sister's yell when she heard a dozen >foot steps walking near by. The sound of the cocking of machine guns >filled the air. Crow: Grunts who have sex with their firearms. On the next Donahue. >*** Oh my!!! Akanes dead! They're going to shoot her! *** Nabiki >was about to grab Akane's foot to drag her under when a voice yelled, Tom: If she's already dead, what does it matter if she's shot? Crow: She's only MOSTLY dead. Joel: Don't shoot! I'm getting better! >"Hey you!!! You must go with us or you shall die!", a soldier pointed >at Akane. Joel: Do as I say or I'll yell BANG! >"I'll NEVER go with YOU!!!", she shouted as she made a flying >kick towards the mob in front of her. Crow: So I guess she's not a goer. Eh? Know what I mean, nudge, nudge, wink, wink? Joel: Say no more. Tom: Please. >The sound of a machine gun firing for a second filled the air. >Akane's shriek of pain soon followed it. Joel: Ouch! My ears! Crow: There's something in my eye! Oh... bullet... >Her body fell hard on the ground as she shouted in pain. The first >lt. Punched the guy who shot Akane. Tom: And for years to come, the readers would remember exactly where they were and what they were drinking the day Akane was shot. >"You STUPID fool!!! Our orders are to capture all the women unhurt!", >the lt. yelled at the shooter. Crow: If they wanted the women unhurt, why'd they sent a shooter? Joel: Maybe the shooter had a few shooters before he began? >"Oh come on Sir its just her leg. We came still fix her up later!", the >soldier who shot Akane said on the floor. Tom: Don't mind me... Just taking a short break.... >Akane continued her yells of pain and agony. Tom: PPPPPPAIN!!!! AAAAGONY!!!! OH, PPPPPPAIN!!!! Joel: Jeez! Get that girl an aspirin! Crow: Or at least some Preparation H! >Nabiki tried to stop herself from getting out of her hiding place and >crying, for she knew if she was heard it was also the end for her. Joel: It's the end of the world as she knew it.... >She clinched her fist in the anger of the fact that she cannot do >anything about Akane's grief. Crow: What good are these hands of mine? Tom: They look like strong hands... don't they? Joel: She dared not act in the proper tense for fear of being grammatically correct. >The soldiers started to carry Akane away. She yelled for help as she >was being dragged out of the room. Tom: Carried? Dragged? Which one? >The cries of Soun and of Kasumi could also be heard in the house hold. Tom: Akaaaaannnneee! Joel: Would you like some tea before you take us away? >Nabiki tried to stop tears from falling from her eyes yet she could not. >She could not take the pain of hearing her family being taken away, she >clenched her fist. Joel: Again? She's just asking for arthritis. >She knew that this might be her last moment on this earth, yet she knew >that all she had was her family and no one else. She bent her knees to >jump out under the table when… TOGGG!!! All: SPOOOOOOOON!!! >Two feet landed on the table with a loud slam. Crow: You think the feet are heavy? Just wait till the rest of the body arrives.... Joel: I wonder how many times the author dropped a pair of feet unto a table before he decided on TOGGG!!! Tom: BAM! No that's no it... CRASH! Nope, try again... BADOOM! No sir, I don't like it... PLINK! No, no, no.... >"Stop Insolent Fiends!!! Bring back my beloved Akane Tendo!!!", >Kuno yelled on top of the table. >"Kuno Babe!!!", Nabiki yelled in her mind. Tom: They say we're young and we don't know! >The soldiers looked at the katana wielding man on the table. Half of >them continued to bring Akane out of the room as she yelled for Kuno's >help; Joel: While the other half clapped and sang along. Tom: Save me Kuno-Chan! I promise to be your darling Akane from now on! Honest! You know I've always LOVED your poetry! Waiiiiiiiit! >the other half pointed their weapons of destruction at Kuno's direction >and had their fingers on the triggers. Kuno knew what he was to do. Tom: Step One: Proclaim myself the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. Step Two: Wait for flash of lightning and rumble of thunder to make me look cool. Step Three: Prepare to smite thee. Joel: Step Four: Get the living crap beaten out of me. >He jumped up the table and shouted "DIE FOOLS!!!", as he was >landing on them to release his wrath. Crow: How the hell do you jump and land at the same time? I can't even walk and chew gum that way! >The sounds of six machine guns filled the air. Kuno's yell resonated >around the room together with two soldiers. All: Good night, my Coney Island, BAYBEE...! >A bloody severed hand and the ends of three fingers fell on the floor. Tom: You idiot! I said I wanted three fingers of *SCOTCH* >As the two soldiers shirked and screamed at what they saw Tom: Sixty bucks! We paid sixty bucks to see a guy bite someone's ear off!?!? >was once a part of them but now was on the floor, the other four looked >at Kuno in amazement. They knew they had shot well over 20 rounds >point blank on his body yet he stood there not bleeding. Crow: Kunou's a Breen? Joel: Of course he's not bleeding! He has to drink a glass of water so dozens of holes can comically spill water out of him.... Tom: Maybe he's related to B.P. Vess? >Kuno seeing that the rest of his enemies were dazed took into action. >He ran up to them and started slashing the soldiers into pieces. The >shouts of great pain went across the room as Kuno waved his sword. All: GREAT PAIN!!! GREAT PAIN!!! Crow: Ooh, do that again! Oh yeah, this beats the hell out of the usual whipping from the dominitrix down the street! Tom: Cheaper, too! >Machine guns screamed once more, Crow: Machine guns screaming? Mercenaries named Drive and Dining Table? What's this world coming to? Tom: A screeching halt? Joel: Good, I want to get off. >yet their projectiles carved at a wall and not at Kuno. Tom: Maybe the soldiers are imperial stormtroopers without the armor? >Kuno screamed in anger as he charged again. A lone scream from a >soldier sounded within the room as a shot was fired and all became silent. >Nabiki curled up into a ball and cried, she had lost another friend. >She stopped crying as sleep went over her. Crow: It's... It's so sad... ... I've lost everyone that I care abou... ZZZZZzzzzzz.... >Nabiki awoke. Her tears were fully dry and the sun's rays made the >paper covering the whole of the table glow a bright yellow. All: Good morning SUNSHINE... the WAR says HELLO.... >She realized where she was and what happened the night before. She >unthinkingly gets out under the table. As she put her hand out to touch >the floor, a cold and sticky liquid greeted her hands. She moved her >head out to see what it was. Tom: She's a turtle! Joel: Na-bi-ki is really neat! Crow: Na-bi-ki is full of meat! All: We all love you, NA-BI-KI! >Her face grew pale as she beheld what was before her. The carcasses of >humans. Kuno's carcass was on the floor, his head was bleeding. Tom: Fortunately the rest of his body was unscathed. Crow: Those soldiers aren't too bright shooting Kuno in the head. There's no vital organs there! >Nabiki could not shout, Joel: She couldn't let it all out Tom: Jokes like that we can do without. Crow: Come on! Tom: We weren't talking to you. Joel: Come on.... >she had never seen such a hideous sight in her life. She was a stiff body >looking at the dead people and at Kuno. Crow: If she's a stiff, I can only imagine the sights she's seeing right now. Tom: 'Flatliners' comes to mind. Joel: Being a stiff sucks! I can't get comfortable! >She looked at Kuno, she felt something about him, yet she did not know >what it was. She felt she had to tell he something before he passed away. Crow: K-Kunou... The pig tailed... girl and R-R-Ranma are... o-one... and... the... the... *croak* Joel: Nice death scene, Crow! Crow: Thanks! I'm up for a Hermaphrodite... I mean an Oscar! Joel: Tom: Nope. Not gonna say it. >She did not know, she could not think. Joel: Nor did she realize, determine or discover. Tom: SHE'S FRIGGIN DEAD ALREADY!!! Crow: She's becoming like Kuno! >All that was in her head was that she was before men who have lost >some limbs and other body parts. Crow: That's right. The dead come first. The rest of you bleeding and wounded soldiers will just have to be patient! Joel: Pvt. Hicks just croaked, move him up, move him up! Crow: You with the ruptured spleen! BACK to the end of the line! >She looked at one soldier who was closest to her. Suddenly Kuno >whispered, "Akane…………", very weakly. Joel: I've willed... everything... to the... pig... tailed... girl... ugh.... >Nabiki quickly turned her head towards Kuno's direction and screamed. Tom: S-Sorry, thought I saw a beetle. >She quickly stood up and hit her back under the table, causing it to flip >over. She shrieked at the pain of hitting the table and bent down and >touched her back. Crow: I'd shriek in pain too if I hit my back and it flipped over. Joel: Ouch! That's a heck of a spinal realignment! >She massaged it for a while and then starred at Kuno. He was >twitching his hand very minutely. Nabiki slowly crawled near him. >She freightendly put her hand on Kuno's back to shake his seemingly >lifeless body. "Kuno… Kuno are you alive?…", she said frightened >and weakly. Crow: No! Now leave me alone! Tom: Pardon? I didn't hear the question. Joel: I refuse to show signs of life until I built enough dramatic tension.... >Kuno moaned and grabbed a dagger from his robe. He swiftly stabbed >the floor, Tom: SPAWN OF LINOLEUM! I SHALL SMITE THEE! >barely missing Nabiki's other hand. She screamed, her loudest ever, >her longest ever, she let go of all her fears with that scream, a scream >that alerted Kuno back to his senses. He quickly stood up and looked >at the screaming woman. He shook her yet she did not stop her >terrifying scream. Joel: I wonder how much Wes Craven paid Nabiki for the free plugs? Tom: Strange. I have a sudden craving for ice cream. Crow: In space... no one can hear Nabiki. >He shook her harder yet she still did not stop. He knew that she was >nearing the verge of insanity, he did not want to do what he was >thinking. Crow: Why not? She's been doing it to him for years.... Tom: I wonder if Kodachi would mind sharing her room at the asylum.... >*** I am sorry fine Nabiki Tendo, but I can't have a mad comrade in >this time. *** He opened his palm and swung it at Nabiki's cheek. >PACK!!!!!!!!!! Joel: ...ard Bell sucks? Crow: ...up your troubles? Tom: SMACK! Nope, no good... KAPOW! Doesn't swing... SLAP! To the omnipedia, try again... PACK!!!!!!!!!! Perfect! Crow: CAPOW!!! Well, that didn't work either. I guess I better jus' GRIT my teeth and bare it. >Nabiki had stopped her screaming. Her head was facing the direction >where Kuno's hand had left her face. Her eyes did not seem to see >anything. Her tears started flowing. She dropped to bloody floor. Tom: The reader is getting tired. Of all these clipped sentences. Crow: Bloody floor. Located conveniently between skin and bone. Be sure to check out our FABULOUS selection of tissue, vessels and clots, along with a VAST variety of cells.... >Kuno felt a piercing pain on the side of his head. Crow: Uh oh. He may have a brain tumor! Joel: You need a brain for that. Crow: Oh yeah. >He reached his temples with his hand. He felt cold blood on his head. Tom: Sasuke! This blood is cold! Reheat it immediately! >He slowly moved to feel hi ear. He stopped his movement and his eyes >grew large. He could not believe it, he just could not believe that the >upper part of his ear was gone!!! Tom: Oh, that's right! I got into that fight with Tyson last night! Crow: That reminds me of another tasteless joke. What did Evander Holyfield say after the referee told him he had won the fight by DQ? Joel: What? Crow: Exactly. >He quickly put away his hand from his ear, he did not want to know >what else did he lose. Crow: My shirt... it is GONE! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! >He looked down and shook his head, try to forget about his ear. He >looked at his once beautiful robe. It had a lot of holes from the bullets >that hit him last night. He saw grateful that he had all his arsinell >under his robe. Crow: Uh... If I were Kuno... there's one VERY important part of my arsenal under my robe that I'd want to protect at all costs. Joel: Yeah, his half-naked pictures of the pig-tailed girl. >All his blades and swords were under his robe, Tom: I think the author's got Kuno mixed up with Mousse. >acting as a bullet proof vest to all the bullets that had hit him. Joel: Yeah, who need Kelvar when you've got wooden bokkens? Crow: My bokkens... I love them SO MUCH! Tom: Ick. >He wondered what was the last thing that happened to him the night >before. Joel: Yeah, you and Roy Haliway. >All he remembered was that he had taken the life of the last soldier >who opposed him, and something hitting his head. He sat down as he >leaned on the wall and starred at the sky outside aimlessly. A few hours >passed by and the two did nothing. Crow: Whatever hit him, it sure wasn't a clue. Tom: They picked a helluva time to veg out. Joel: Psst! Nabiki! Your line is: *Let's go save my family!* Anytime you're ready.... Crow: Maybe it's one of those moments of introspection they put in all the *serious* anime.... >Nabiki glanced at Kuno. She saw that the upper portion of his right >ear was gone and he had a bleeding wound on his head behind the ear. Joel: OK guys, I call no more Tyson jokes. Crow: How about Mick Foley? Tom: Don't forget Beethoven. Joel: Beethoven didn't lose a ear! He just went deaf. Tom: Okay... Freddy Pharkas? Joel: That's better... I think. >"Kuno…", she said frail. Tom: *Kuno* or *Frail* which one did she say?! >"Yes Nabiki Tendo", he said indispare. Tom: Make up your mind! Choose ONE. >"Your head is bleeding.", she said. Tom: Thank you! >"It is not thy head yet thy ear." >"No no its your head. The wound is behind your ear.", she said while >shaking her head weakly. Tom: No no, it's not thy head yet thy ear! Joel: Wait a sec, whose head? Tom: Thy ear and it's... wait a sec... I... Joel: My ear's fine, it's your head I'm worried about.... Tom: Wait! What were we talking about again? Crow: Skip it. >Kuno forgetting his thoughts in the past hours put his hand once more >on his head. He felt a painful smirk as he touched the beck of his right >ear. Crow: The pain BECKoning him. Joel and Tom: He's a loser baby.... >He slowly ripped a portion of his robe and tied it on his head. Tom: God, I hope it was the upper portion.... Crow: I'll bet he's got boxer shorts with a picture of Akane and Ranma-Chan imprinted on each buttock.... Joel: Either that or "Home of the Bokken". >He cursed under his breath as he tightened the makeshift bandage on his >head. Nabiki looked at Kuno and said, "Oh Kuno babe your hopeless, >you missed the wound by a mile." Tom: In Canada, he would have missed it by 1.6 kilometers. Crow: So? Tom: Just wanted to point that out for our non-metric readers. >She stood up and walked towards Kuno. She took the piece of robe of >his head as Kuno cursed her in pain. Crow: How does one curse in pain? Joel: Maybe he means putting a curse *of* pain on her? Tom: Just have him recite some of his poetry... that'll do it. >""Your Coarse Woman!", he shouted at Nabiki as she tightened the >bandage even more. Nabiki banged her tired body on the wall beside >Kuno. She leaned there for a few minutes until she broke the deafening >silence. Crow: Uh, you can join me ANYTIME now, Sempai! >"If Ranma was here they would have not taken Kasumi, daddy and >Akane away…" Tom: That's good. Nabiki. Way to boost someone's confidence. Joel: Did anyone notice she didn't mention Genma being taken? Crow: Who'd want him? Tom: What?! Genma Saotome running away from the face of danger?!? I... I'm at a loss for words.... Joel: Be careful, Tom, or you'll overload your sarcasm sequencer again. >"Ah silence woman! If Ranma were here he would have just ended up >where I am standing!" >"Why did you try to stab me earlier?", Nabiki asked, her voice more >serious. Tom: It was my SNAPPY answer to your STUPID question! >"I thought you were one of the fiends I left alive!" "...Ah Kuno babe. >Thanks for saving my life last night…. Thanks.", she said with a >small smile on her face. >"What?", Kuno asked her, as he looked confused at Nabiki. All: SHE SAID "AH KUNO BABE. THANKS FOR SAVING MY LIFE LAST NIGHT.... THANKS!!!" >"I hid under the table while you fought the soldiers." >"You hid under the table, while I fought the soldiers?!?", he said in a >confused yet angry voice. Joel: I also shot the clerk. Crow: You shot the clerk? Joel: I shot the clerk? >"...Yeah", she said quietly, as she recognized the tone of his voice. >Kuno stood up and got Nabiki by her shoulders and slammed on the >wall. Crow: Ooof! Tom: Uh, Kuno babe? Is this REALLY the best time for a wall bang? Besides, I think you've got it backwards.... >"You hid there while YOUR sisters and father were being taken away! Crow: Hey, I fought hard to keep the nuns and priest safe but then I got tired! So sue me! >You Hid there while they TOOK AKANE!!!", he yelled furiously at her. Joel: Uh, yeah. You see, Kuno babe, I have this little problem called 'wanting to live' and it tends to creep up at the worst times.... >Nabiki's tears started to flow slowly. She suddenly burst into tears. >Her face looked on the floor then... Tom: ...on the ceiling. Crow: Hey, there's Lionel Richie! >"Commander!!! Commander!!!, the Koreans are attacking!", a voice >yelled outside her tent. Tom: Koreans, you say? I suppose you'll be telling me next that the sky is falling! Crow: Wait a minute... when did Nabiki end up in a tent? And wasn't Kuno about to kick her ass? Joel: Well, let's read the next paragraph and find out.... >Nabiki jerked up her sleeping bag all covered in sweat. She knew she >had dreamt of the past again. The sound of gunfire soon filled the camp >site. She dressed up quickly and ran out of her tent. Crow: Shouldn't she be hiding under the table again? Tom: Aw, man! So, from the moment the APC stopped for the night, Nabiki's been having a flashback? Joel: Nice of the author to tell us in advance, eh? >"Where are they?!?", she yelled at the mercenary who woke her up. >"To your left Commander!", he replied. >She turned her head to look. She saw dozens of lights flashing which >where quickly followed by the sound of gunfire. >"Give me the pig!", she yelled at the mercenary as she turned to face >him. Tom: Make yourself useful, P-Chan! Crow: No, first throw me the conch shell! >He handed a MP5 to her thinking she could not lift such a heavy gun. All: Big Guns! Tom: MP5... I'll bet it has a much better compression ratio than an MP3. >*** Stupid new recruit! Doesn't he know I can lift that damn piece of >metal *** Crow: Hey, how's you read my mind? Are you psychic or something? >"Hand me the M60! Can't you understand Japanese!", she yelled. Joel: Well, I've watched a fair bit of subtitled anime but I've only mastered a few choice words.... Tom and Crow: Da'cha! >"But….", the mercenary said. >She pushed the man away and grabbed the "PIG" from a compartment >in the nearby APC. She lifted the heavy piece of metal and waved it >screaming out bullets across the horizon. Tom: Owowowowowowowie! These little pieces of lead are HOT! >Men started to shout in pain and fell on the cold waste land. Crow: Joel: Our crowns are KILLING us! Somebody call a dentist for god's sake! >She made the handling of the "Pig" look so easy, as if the thing did not >weigh anything at all. Tom: P-Chan's pretty lean for a little porker. Crow: Why it's almost like it's out of ammuni... oh, poopy. >The new mercenary looked at her in surprise. He had never seen a >woman carry and use successfully such a heavy weapon as that. Nabiki >walked closer to the amazed man and said, "You better give the gun to >me or... Joel: Why is Nabiki asking for a gun she's already holding? >Out of nowhere in the dark might bullets hit at Nabiki. Crow: Take that and that! We're gonna beat you up with our little fists.... >She fell on the ground having two bullets hitting her stomach. Crow: That's it! Work her midsection over! Harder! >The new mercenary was pretty shot up. He had most of the bullets >fired at them. Joel: Hey, Nabiki! Check out all the cool bullets trapped in my body! *BLAM* Hey, another one! Free souvenir! Woo hoo! >The soldier who had shot the two went closer to see who had he shot. Crow: Ah, crap! There go two more of my comrades! I never should have left my contacts at home! >"Yeah! This guys pretty dead! Shit! I killed a woman! And a damn >very beautiful one!" Crow: Curse this damn very war!!! Curse the damn very politicians!!! >,he said as he staired at Nabiki's fallen body. Crow: Then the guard sadly turned away and slowly climbed the stares to search for other intruders.... >He saw something shining near Nabiki's waist, some sparkling object. Crow: Jeremy? Tom: Mrs. Frisbee? Joel: Is anyone getting these obscure references? >He then realized what it was. "OH SH...", was the last he said as >Nabiki's gun fired. All: Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhh. Tom: First rule of war. Beware of very damn beautiful women with guns that sparkle. Crow: From the people that brought you *Sparkling Ketchup!* >Nabiki added two new holes to the soldiers head with her revolver. Tom: I guess that means he's holier than thou. Thank you! >She pulled her self up with the "PIG" and removed her jacket off her >body. Joel: First, Akane, and now Nabiki. Man, P-Chan is one lucky pig. > She poked at the two bullets that stuck to her bullet proof vest. >*** Dumb Korean, thought I would go to battle without this! *** >He stomach felt a little soar from the shots she took. Crow: Still, her heart sored as she realized she was still alive. Tom: We need a thesaurus here, stat! >She was glad she always did crunches to strengthen her abdomen. >She turned her attention to the gun fire a few dozen meters away >from her. Ranma squeezed out the last bullets of his assault rifle and >ran towards the enemy. Crow: About time Ranma showed up again! Where's he been, anyway? >Hand on the barrel he smashed its stock dreadfully on the soldiers face. Joel: Oh geez, what a wussy shot! Come on, put some power into it, Ranma! >The soldier screamed in pain as the stock smashed into pieces on his face. Crow: Balsa wood is hell. >He dropped on the ground unconscious. Ranma continued his reign of >terror at the soldier in front of him. He ran filled with anger at them, Tom: When did this turn into a Dragon Ball Z fic? >not feeling the bullets pass through his arm. His uppercut launched a >soldier up into the air Crow: SHORYUKEN! >as he crushed another soldier's arm with his leg. >The screams of extreme pain and agony as Ranma beat them up. Joel: Translation: Ranma felt the bullets pass through his arm. Tom: YEEEEEEEEOUCH!!! There's a piece of skull stuck in my hand! Get it out! Get it out! >He did not stop his thrashing at the soldiers even if they were laying half >dead on the floor. Joel: I'll... harm... youuuuu! Tom: War... what is it good for? Crow: Absolutely nothing. >He was merciless, he did not feel any sorrow for the soldiers. He >became a cold blooded killing machine. Tom: Looks like Johnny 5 finally went over the edge. Crow: WHERE IS SARAH CONNOR?!? >Nabiki saw what he was doing and quickly goes into action. *** There >he goes again, into that evil state *** All: OOOOOOOO... KLAHOMA, where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.... >Her passionate soul could not bear what he was doing. >"Ranma!!! Ranma!!!", she yelled. All: Help me Ranma! Help help me Ranma! >Ranma looked at her and she continued her speech, "Their dead >already! Leave them alone!", she said quite pleadingly. Tom: Why? They gonna get up and tell him to knock it off? Crow: He can't stop yet! That soldier's baby finger is still twitching! >He looked at the half dead people in front of him, and did not regret on >what he had done. All he had thought about when he beat up the >soldiers was Akane. What has happened to her. What have they done >to her. His imaginations of the evilest things they could have done, Crow: Making her read this fanfic? >and is she all right. It was the sole reason why he had come with Nabiki, >to get Akane back. Tom: Hey guys! It's time to go. Crow: Huh? But the fanfic isn't over yet! Joel: And that's a BAD thing? Crow: Good point... still, aren't we ending this a bit abruptly? Tom: Heh, we ran a *little* long with the intro. Joel: Yeah, I stayed up late setting up my invention and I need some shut eye. Besides, the Mads still have to push the button. Tom: Let's just get out of here guys. * * * DEEP 13 "There's no two ways about it Frank... I'm going to have to slice off your love handles...." Frank cowered away in fear. "Wait, Dr. F! Can't you just perform liposuction?!?" "Sorry, Frank. This show has a set budget and if I exceed that, I don't get my annual bonus." Dr. Forrester replied as he advanced on his assistant with a pair of rusty safety scissors. "B-but, think of the mess!" Frank yelped. Dr. Forrester paused. "You have a point there. Go find some newspapers to lay on the floor and when you pass the control panel, push the button." "Yes, sir." Frank replied sadly as he walked over to the recycle bin, giving the button a low five along the way.... THE REAL END. (Feel free to hum the closing theme as you read my author's notes.) Thus ends my fifth MSTing. Sorry I took so long to get this one done. I'd like to once again give very special thanks to Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong, whom, without his help and C&C, I wouldn't have been able to finish this MSTing. He took time out to help me and I can't thank him enough. Likewise, I'd like to thank Keener for his early input as well. Be sure to check out the fanfics of both these talented authors. I'd also like to thank Timothy McLees, Luna and Artemis, Chris Bergstrom and Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight) for being nice enough to post my MSTings on their webpages. If there's anyone else I missed, I apologize. Finally I'd like to thank M. Llave for writing "The War" and giving me a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not too offended. If you are, feel free to MST my own works, I won't mind a bit. C&C, as always, is appreciated. (megane67@rogers.com) Feel free to send in any anime fanfic that you would like to see MSTed and I'll take a look at it. Also, if you're interested in seeing any previous episodes of this series, I'll be happy to e-mail them to you. ;) Sincerely, Megane 6.7 ***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed to can be found in the various categories at:*** 'A MSTing for All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst Everything What Is Crap (formerly Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings) http://www.svamcentral.org/ewic "She knew that this might be her last moment on this earth, yet she knew that all she had was her family and no one else. She bent her knees to jump out under the table when… TOGGG!!!" Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2005 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....