*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 22: TORTURED ECHO
(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 (megane67@rogers.com
)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.
"Tortured Echo" is the property of Trakal. She has given me permission
to MST her work and I greatly appriciate it. :)
Warning: This part contains mature content and one brief lemon scene,
If you are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's gone. If
not, enjoy!
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
SUBMARINE OF LOVE
13:45 HOURS
Yellow lights flashed in the darkened corridor. The sounds of
confusion could be heard as Joel Robinson, clad in a dark blue jumpsuit
and baseball cap, quickly made his way down the narrow hallway towards
the bridge. He took a moment to remove the baseball cap and frantically
scratch his hair, mentally chiding himself for not taking a shower in the past
two days.
Finally, he made it to the bridge and without breaking stride,
made a beeline towards the Captain's chair. There were the sounds
of guns being cocked but Joel pay them no heed as he stopped beside the
chair and forcefully wheeled it around to face him.
"Crow, give me the missile key."
Crow gave him a cool stare, remaining silent. He was dressed in
a StarFleet Uniform right out of 'The Wrath of Khan', his hat was a replica
of the Skippers from Gilligan's Island and for reasons only known to him,
an eyepatch made of clear plastic covered his left eye. Music blatantly
stolen from 'Crimson Tide' played an appropriately tension building piece.
"Crow, give me the missile key! As long as there's a chance we're
wrong, it's our DUTY not to launch our missiles until we get confirmation of
this message!" Joel held up a Magic 8-ball with the message 'OUTCOME HAZY.
TRY AGAIN.'
"Joel... we've both seen Rocket Attack USA... if we don't launch
our birds in the next few minutes, all of New York, except the suburbs, will
be a smoking hole in the ground, Yakov Smirnov will rise to power again,
and professional wrestler Nikolai Volkoff will be brought out of retirement
and be forced to fight Hulk Hogan for the next six months!" Crow involuntarily
shuddered. "It's just too horrible to comprehend! We have to launch NOW
before it's too late!"
"Well, gee, when you put it like that... uh, I mean, no!" Joel shook
his head. "Crow, I'm confiscating your missile key!" Joel removed the key
from Crow's neck and placed it around his own.
"Hey, I'm the commander of this frigging ship! Give me that back!"
Crow roared as he cocked back his fist and threw a punch at Joel, who
caught it effortlessly in his hand. Crow tried again with his other fist with
the same results. Then Joel lifted Crow out of the command chair and
started to whirl him around, cheerfully exclaiming 'AIRPLANE SPIN!!!'
"Wooooooah! Wait, Joel! Wooooah... I'm getting woozy... uhhhh... I
think I'm gonna hurl... ohhhh... okay, okay, I give! I give!" Crow whined as
Joel finally brought him to a stop, smiling. Then there was a high pitched
beeping sound as Crow and Joel looked up. The EAM sign was blinking,
indicating an emergency action message coming in.
"Well, now I guess we'll find out who was right," Joel remarked.
"Me! Me! I'm right! You'll see!" Crow retorted.
Joel reached into his pocket and produced a quarter which he then
inserted into a coin slot in front of the sign. Then, twisting the knob underneath,
a small door popped open and produced another Magic 8-ball. Joel quickly
shook it up and then sparing a quick glance at Crow, looked down at the message
displayed in the ball's window.
"ASK ME AGAIN LATER"
"D'OH!!!" Joel and Crow exclaimed.
"Aw, the heck with this! Let's just launch our nukes and knock off early.
Let the audience sort it out." Crow reached for the missile key again when the
doors to the Holocabana suddenly opened, flooding the darkened submarine
with light from the hallway. Joel shaded his eyes and caught sight of a familiar
silhouette entering the room.
"Oh, hey Gypsy. Is it your turn already? Sorry about that." Joel
said as the doors shut behind her. He did a double take as he noticed Gypsy
was wearing a fancy ballroom gown, complete with white make-up and a
powdered wig. "Wow! You look great, Gypsy!
"Thanks, Joel!" Gypsy replied happily.
"Yeah, what's with the fancy get-up anyway? Going to a costume
ball?" Crow inquired.
"Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I've got the holocabana booked
for the next hour and I don't dare leave Simon in control of the ship any
longer than that...."
"Simon?" Joel and Crow repeated.
"Oh, yeah, I haven't told you about Simon yet, have I? He's an
auxiliary computer system that can take over the higher functions of the ship
for a short period of time whenever I take a break. I decided to build him
after the last time I took a break and Joel passed out from lack of oxygen."
"That's good to know, Gypsy. Thanks." Joel marveled.
"Guess that means both of you will be breathing easier from now
on, eh?" Crow wisecracked.
Joel chuckled. "One question though, Gypsy, Why name the system
Simon? Is it short form for something?"
"Well...." Gypsy would have blushed slightly if she were capable.
"Actually, the truth is, I've always had trouble remembering people's names
and Romper Room was one of my favorite children's shows so I modeled Simon
after the chalk drawing cartoon of the same name and all I have to do is
sing his theme song and I haven't forgotten his name since!" Gypsy exclaimed
happily.
"Hey, maybe this means Dr. F will start inviting you into the theater
with us now that you don't need to run the higher functions of the ship all the time
anymore." Crow remarked.
Gypsy shook her head. "Uh-uh! No way! Simon is designed to function
properly for one hour, no more. Any longer than that and bugs start creeping into
the system. You wouldn't want Joel to suffocate while we're all watching a movie
in the theater, would you?"
Joel shuddered at the thought while Crow nodded sadly in understanding.
"Dang, and here I was hoping you could fill in for me every other week with Tom
and Joel while I take a nap...."
"Funny, I was thinking of Gypsy filling in for ME while YOU and Tom
stayed in the theater," Joel remarked.
"What?!? Hey, why should I suffer while you get a day off? When
did I become your slave bot?!?" Crow exclaimed, outraged.
"So it's okay for me and Tom to stay in the theater, but not you?" Joel
countered with a playful grin.
"Well, DUH! That's what I've been saying!" Crow retorted.
Joel rolled his eyes while Gypsy walked over to the controls. "Well,
anyway, my clock's running so if you don't mind, I'd like to get my program
started...." Gypsy trailed off as the previous submarine program faded to
reveal the familiar balsa wood walls.
"Oh, sure thing, Gypsy!" Joel apologized as he gently pushed a still
irate Crow outside the Holocabana. "Have fun!" Joel called out as the doors
shut behind them. Gypsy then activated her program. The room quickly
transformed into the room of a grand ballroom, complete with white curtains,
exquisite furniture and chandeliers aplenty. A string quartet materialized and a
moment later, so did Richard Baseheart, dressed as an 18th century prince.
"My dear lady, may I have this dance?" Richard inquired with a
warm smile, gallantly offering his arm.
"Yay! Richard Baseheart! Richard Baseheart!" Gypsy exclaimed,
unable to hold back her excitement as she rushed forward and cradled her
tube-like body into the crook of his arm. The string quartet came to life a
moment later, filling the room with music that stirred the soul as Gypsy and
Richard began dancing around the room, losing themselves in each other's
company....
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
As Crow and Joel strolled onto the bridge, they noticed Tom Servo
reading a pocket book novel with the help of a book stand. The red light was
flashing on the counter but Tom didn't even look up as he remarked. "Hey
guys, it's about time you got here, Bob and Margaret have been calling for ten
minutes now."
"Well geez Tom, don't push the button or anything." Joel replied,
annoyed
Tom looked up, "Sure thing, tell you what, on the way there to push
the button with my non-working limbs I'll make you and Crow a delectable
peanut butter and jam sandwich, spreading the delightful Smucker's
raspberry preserves with my non grasping, useless digits and then give
you both a soothing back massage with my fully nonfunctional, limp,
useless, pointless, extraneous, arms!"
Joel bigsweated. "Ummm, so maybe I should just push the button
myself, huh?"
"Turn the page on my book first, Jordan's about to make insightful
commentary how women be different then men." Tom replied while Joel
gave the red button a slap.
"FRANK!!! WHAT THE SAM *HELL* DID YOU DO TO THE
AIR CONDITIONING?!?" The voice of Dr. Forrester roared, startling Joel
and Crow while causing Tom to accidentally knock over his book stand.
"Aw, crap, I lost my place!" Tom complained.
The interior of Deep 13 came up on the viewscreen, revealing
an irate Dr. Forrester, clad in an army green T-shirt and shorts. The shirt
was soaked with sweat as Dr. Forrester glared daggers at the console.
"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, Frank?!? Speak up!"
"It wasn't my fault! I swear!" The frightened voice of TV's Frank
protested from underneath the computer console.
"Are you saying it's MY fault?!?" Dr. Forrester demanded.
"Well... kinda, yeah." Frank replied. Then he replayed the last
few words in his head and his eyes went wide in horror. "NO! I mean... what
I meant to say is it can't POSSIBLY be your fault, Dr. F! Even though I
followed your design plans for the invention exactly and warned you against
using such a powerful engine for the refrigerator, I know by some miracle
of nature that you weren't responsible in any way whatsoever for your screw up!"
Frank finished, gasping.
"Save your breath Frank... it could be your last." Dr Forrester
scowled, dipping into that special pitch of throaty mayhem that somehow
implied both forceps and intestinal track, all in one breath. Then he abruptly
looked up and noticed Joel and the bots staring at him. Taking a moment to
remove his glasses and wipe his forehead, Dr. Forrester addressed them.
"Ah, if it isn't Manny, Moe and Jack. How nice of you to pay a
visit to all of us here in Deep 13. As you can see, we're having a slight
problem with the temperature here. Needless to say, this puts the old
kibosh on our invention this week: Homemade Icebergs! Where you can
scuttle annoying Sea Dew's anytime you like. Why should only James
Cameron get to live that magic moment of Leonardo drowning? Sooooo,
I suppose I have little choice but to give the floor to you, Shmoel. Try not
to embarrass yourself now...."
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Joel held up a computer keyboard to the camera before placing
it on the counter next to a can of soda. Then he sat down behind the counter
and began typing with a tired expression on his face. Meanwhile Tom
provided a voice-over.
"Has this ever happened to you? You're working late hours at the
office or burning the midnight oil writing a fanfic and without looking
up, you go to grab a can of your favorite beverage and this happens."
Joel reached for the can and accidentally tipped it over onto the
keyboard, flooding it with a brown carbonated liquid.
"Oops." Joel exclaimed in a monotone.
"But, never fear!" Tom continued. "For Joel isn't using any
ordinary keyboard, no no no, this keyboard had VAC KEYS! A dozen
tiny vacuums strategically placed within the keyboard that turns an
expensive mishap into a fun activity to amuse you when you have nothing
better to do. Just watch!"
There was a whirring sound as the spilt cola was suddenly pushed
from the center of the keyboard into its edges. Several seconds later, the
keyboard was once again bone dry.
"Yes, never again will you have to worry about losing hard earned
cash to stupidity. Whether you paid a measly two dollars for it at a garage
sale or perhaps thoughtlessly splurged on one from Logitech for a hundred
bucks, VAC KEYS will keep your keyboard safe!"
"What do you think, sirs?" Joel asked.
* * *
DEEP 13
"I can't! It's too damn HOT in here to think! Frank! What's
taking so damn long to fix the air conditioning! FRANK!!!" Dr. Forrester
shouted impatiently off-camera.
"It's not happening, Dr. F!" The voice of Frank shouted back.
"We're going to have to call a repairman or something!"
"WHAT?!? You've got to be kidding me!" Dr. Forrester screeched,
furious.
"Damn it, Steve! I'm your lab monkey, not a repairman!" Frank's
voice shot back. "If we don't get this air-conditioning fixed soon, the heat
from the nuclear reactor will cook us alive!"
"OK, fine! We'll call a repairman already! ANYTHING to end
this HEAT!" Dr. Forrester gasped as he used the back of his arm to wipe
more sweat from his forehead as he glared at the viewscreen.
"And since the three of you look so cool and comfortable up there in
that puny satellite with your air conditioning and your cool breezes and
those... those icebergs slowly passing behind you... and... hey, I think I
see Santaaaaaa...."
Dr. Forrester's eyes glazed over and he would have fainted had
T.V's Frank not rushed up to him and dumped a bucket of water over his
head. Dr. Forrester sputtered for a few moments as he regained his senses.
"Uh, yes, as I was saying, your experiment this week is a Ranma 1/2
fanfic that makes suicide seem painless by comparison. It's 'Tortured Echo'
by Trakal. Taste my steel, Pasty Boy! Send them the fanfic, Frank!"
"Been there, done that." Frank replied as he slammed a phone book
down next to a portable phone and began leafing through it.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Suddenly, alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>From: "Trakal" <Trakal@map.com>
>Subject: [Ranma][Lemon] Tortured Echo
>RANMA 1/2
>TORTURED ECHO
>by Trakal (Trakal@map.com)
Crow: Trakal, the original cartographer of fanfiction.
Tom: <Trakal> Care for a fanfic, Mr. Brush?
>DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 and its characters are the creation and
>property of Rumiko Takahashi.
Joel: <Trakal> But just between you and me, *I* came up with the gender
changing with cold and hot water bit....
>CHAPTER 1:
>-----------------
>The invasion came without warning. There had been no declaration
>of war, no news programs to say it was going to happen. It simply
>happened.
Joel: Oh, it's a crossover with the Beatles.
Crow: Either that or the Neptune Men have invaded again.
>It wasn't aliens, or monsters from another dimension or
>even people from strange lands with weird powers this time.
Tom: It was a newsie named Roger.
>It was soldiers. A military invasion. The soldiers were dressed in
>various military style uniforms.
Crow: Except for the ones in dresses bucking for a section eight.
>It was clear that whoever was behind the invasion didn't want the
>people of Nerima to know which country was actually responsible.
Crow: They're being invaded by the Incognito Brigade!
Tom: Didn't anyone see them *land* on the shores of Japan?
Joel: They were clever, Tom. They came in at noon, while everyone
was at lunch.
Tom: Ah, that explains it.
>"Such cowards these invaders be." Were the last words of
>Tatewake Kuno as they gunned him down in the street.
Joel: Someone took Garfield's advice too literally.
Crow: Is that what they call a cameo shot?
Tom: Some might.
>Kodachi's last fragile link to sanity snapped and she rushed the
>soldier who'd slain her brother, grabbing his gun.
All: <singing> Kotchi's got a gun... Her whole world's come undone....
>She wrestled it free, then pistol whipped the soldier until he was upon
>the ground,
Tom: Uh, try using the other end, honey.
>where she shot him in the mouth, laughing hysterically.
Crow: <Granny> POW! Right in the kisser!
>She took out two dozen other soliders before returning to her brother's
>side and using his bokken to end her own life, collapsing onto the body
>of her brother.
Joel: <Kodachi> Give... my laugh... to... B-ko... uuuhhhh....
Crow: Let's see. Two major characters have died and we're only four
paragraphs into the story. This will be FUN!
>"Mistress Kodachi! Master Kuno! NO!!!" Sasuke screamed in
>anguish and fury.
Crow: <Sasuke> MMMMMENDOSSSSSSAAAAAA!!!
>"I, your loyal manswervant, Sasuke, shall avenge you."
All: <giggles>
Tom: Sasuke's been spending time with Lily Von Stupp, I see.
Joel: <Sasuke> It's Twue! It's Twue!
>He drew his own sword and stood between the soldiers and the fallen
>bodies of his master and mistress. But the soldiers ignored him and
>moved on to other conquests.
Joel: <Soldiers> Sorry! Can't kill you! We've already reached quota!
>One of these conquests was Akane Tendo.
Tom: Gee, *THERE'S* a surprise.
Joel: It's just not Ranma 1/2 until someone kidnaps Akane.
>They advanced upon the attractive girl with less than honorable pursuits
>on their minds.
Crow: They're gonna force her to promote the Psychic Friends Network!
Tom: <gasps> How cruel!
>Akane Tendo, however, was not the type of girl to be taken easily.
Joel: A grain of salt, however, cleared that problem right up.
>With years of Martial Arts training under belt, she was a formidable
>opponent and managed to fend them off for a good twenty minutes
>before they managed to pin her down.
Tom: Needless to say, it was far too exciting and action packed to
describe in detail here.
>"Leave her alone!"
>The soldiers stood upon, a couple continuing to hold Akane, who
>they forced to stand up.
Crow: They're forming a human pyramid!
>"Why should we?" Asked one of the soldiers as he groped rudely at
>Akane's breast.
Tom: You mean there's a way to grope someone politely?
>Akane kicked the man in the balls, causing him to drop to his knees.
Joel: She must have read '3:16 Rulzs' too.
Crow: <Soldier> Oh please! Do that again! I'm begging you!
>She smiled with grim satisfaction, but the smile was
>replaced by a shocked cry of pain as another soldier slapped her
>across the face.
Tom: <Akane> Hey, I'm a girl... and you didn't discriminate against me
for it. Thank you!
Crow: <soldier> You're a girl? *slap* OW!
>The boy who had spoken faced the soldiers with a look of grim
>determination upon his face. He bared his teeth, fangs gleaming
>somehow.
Crow: <soldier> Nice dental work!
>His eyes narrowed beneath the bandannas he wore upon his brow.
>"If you don't let her go," he said, "I'll kill you."
>"Ryoga!" Akane shouted. "Help me!"
Tom: <Ryouga> Hey, I said I'd kill him if he didn't let you go! Give him
a chance to respond, huh?
>A soldier turned his gun upon Akane and shot her. She went limp
>in the arms of the other two soldiers, who released her arms and
>let her fall to the ground.
Tom: <Ryouga> Damn it! I forgot to say *alive* again!
>"AKANE! NO!!!" Ryoga felt his ki build up to incredible levels.
Tom: <soldier> Is that an air raid siren, I hear?
>"YOU FUCKIN' MURDERERS!" he cried out at the soldiers as a ki
>sphere the size of a medicine ball formed in front of him.
Crow: Oh, is that all? I guess he's not all that upset then.
>"SHISHI HOKODAN!!!!"
Tom: Boy, you'd think Akane dying would at least be worth generating a
*Full* Shishi Hokodan?
>Then, exhausted, he collapsed.
Joel: <Bela Lugosi> SLEEEEEEP!
Tom: It's the collapsible Ryouga, depressive, angst-filled, epitaphs at
your convenience, then... just fold him up and store him underneath
the mattress when you're done.
>CHAPTER 2
All: <singing> You tell her... you're never, never, never, never, never
gonna part!
>----------------------------
>Akane Tendo woke in the hospital to find Dr.Tofu standing over her.
Tom: <Akane> Dr. Tofu?!? Wow, I haven't seen you in like forever!
Where have you been all this time?
Crow: <Dr. Tofu> Rumors of my death by falling down an open sewer
are greatly exaggerated....
>"Dr. Tofu." She said, looking around the room. "I didn't know you worked
>at the hospital."
>"I don't." Dr. Tofu replied.
Crow: <Dr. Tofu> I supply Kasumi with victims for her axe murdering
habit to keep her off the streets. Speaking of which....
Joel: <Akane> Eep.
>"I volunteered. The hopsitals are overflowing with wounded from the
>invasion a couple days ago."
Crow: This is starting to remind me of M*A*S*H....
Tom: <loudspeaker> ATTENTION ALL PERSONNEL! TONIGHT'S
MOVIE IS 'THE WAR'! STARRING NABIKI TENDO, TATEWAKI
KUNO AND A BUNCH OF NAMELESS GRUNTS NOT UNLIKE
THE ONES INVADING US AS PRESENT!
Joel: <Frank Burns> Oh, pipe down, you clowns!
>"A couple days?!" Akane sat up. "Ryoga..."
>"They still haven't found him." Dr. Tofu told her. "Look, I'm
>sure he's fine."
Tom: <Dr. Tofu> Oh, by the way, You're welcome for saving your life.
No, no, don't bother falling all over me with gratitude or anything....
Crow: <Akane> You saved me? Uhhhh... exactly *WHERE* was I shot?
Tom: <Dr. Tofu> Uhhhh... errrrr... actually, the author hasn't told us yet.
Crow: <Akane> Oh, that's just great! Am I supposed to start limping
when I leave here or should I start clutching my shoulder every now and
then?
Tom: <Dr. Tofu> Well, let's just stick with the premise that I saved you
from almost certain death for now.
Crow: <Akane> Oh, brother....
>"The doc's right." Ranma said from the doorway. "Ryoga gets lost
>all the time, right. He probably wiped them all out and then got
>lost trying to find help."
>"You're right." Akane smiled, but in her heart, she knew he was
>anything but.
Joel: <Akane> And, oh yeah, before I forget... WHERE THE HELL
WERE YOU WHEN I WAS MOLESTED AND... AND SHOT....?!?
Tom: <Ranma> Uhhhhh... sponging a free meal at the Nekohanten?
>* * * * *
Tom: <singing> Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for
a rainy day....
>Ryoga Hibiki woke, naked and sore, in an iron cell. He was
>secured, face down, onto a steel table with steel shackles and
>clamps about his neck and waist.
<Ryoga> Oh lord, is it Tuesday already? Kodachi, you bitch!
>"What the hell...?" He tried to remember the events that lead to him
>being there. Something about Akane, and people in some kind of
>uniform. Soldiers? But why? Why were there soldiers in Nerima?
Tom: Good question. You'd think with all the fanfic universes out there
that have Ranma and Co. beating the crap out of invading armies, these
guys would know better....
Joel: Shhh! Maybe we'll finally get some answers.
>It couldn't be right. But it was. He was sure of it. Nerima had,
>for some reason he couldn't fathom, been invaded. But what did
>that have to do with Akane.
Crow: <Ryoga> And why does my internal monologue sound like Leslie
Nielsen?
>Akane's dead, he remembered, they murdered her and I killed most
>of the ones that were there with my shishi hokodan. I must have
>drained myself. That's how... That's how they'd been able to capture
>him. But why was he naked. A thought crossed his mind and he
>pushed it away.
Joel: <Ryouga> It can't be those aliens again... I already had my anal
probe for the month.
>No, he thought in flat denial, that did *not* happen. I refuse to
>believe it. No one is going to make me believe it for one second.
Tom: Uh, would it be redundant to say he's in denial?
>A soldier walked into his cell and pushed a finger up into his ass.
Tom: <narrator> This had been going on for some time and Ryouga
simply couldn't fathom their dark purpose. Why would they keep doing
that to themselves? Unless... only then did he realize... toilet paper. These
bastards needed toilet paper and had stooped to invasion rather then face
the new cardboard Mister Whipple at the local S-Mart.
Crow: <soldier> I am Sergeant Cornholio, and you WILL give us the
Downy Soft Extra Absorbent or there will be HELL to pay!
>Ryoga tried to struggle free, but the clamps held him firmly and
>he was too weak to try the breaking point technique.
Crow: How much strength do you need to touch something with your
finger and scream BAKUSAITENKETSU?
Tom: Talk about being unwilling to even lift a finger.
Joel: I can think of a finger he could be using right now.
>"Feisty one, aren't ya?" The soldier whispered in his ear,
>pulling his finger back and then pushing it back in, this time
>with another finger beside it. "You may as well relax and enjoy
>the ride,
Joel: <Ryouga> Oh, I'm sorry... Was my trying to escape from being
raped bothering you? No problem, I'll just lie here and offer no
resistance like a total moron. Dum de dum dum....
>this isn't the first time I've had you."
>"Liar!" Ryoga sobbed in fierce denial. "You NEVER had me!"
Tom: <Ryouga> You've never had it so good!
>"Oh, but I have." the soldier told him as he unzipped his pants.
>"I had you three other times. Just like this!"
Joel: <Soldier> Only this time, I'm actually going to DO something
to you!
>Ryoga screamed in torment, shame, and rage
Crow: <shudders> Thankfully the author left out pleasure.
>as the soldier's cock was rammed up his ass, over and over. He tried
>to struggle, despite his weakened state.
Tom: <Ryouga> Uh, I wouldn't do that, pal. That donkey has one big
angry green friend....
>"I would have had you more than three times," the soldier told
>him, speaking as casually as one might speak to friend over
>coffee,
Tom: <singing> Times like these... were made for Taster's Choice....
>"But there are so many other soldiers who had to have
>their turns, too."
Crow: Looks like Klingons aren't the only ones into Fukaduk.
Tom: <soldier> Sure, we have the entire population of Nerima to choose
from but we believe in getting the most out of every individual!
>"You son of a bitch!" Ryoga snarled.
Crow: Aw, come on, you can do better than that.
>"You murdering, raping son of a bitch. I'll kill you. I swear it."
Crow: <nodding> Better.
>"I don't think so."
All: Homey don't play that!
>The soldier thrust deep into Ryoga and came hard, deep inside him.
>"Save a little for me," another soldier said from outside the cell.
>Ryoga trembled in humiliation.
Crow: <Ryouga> My ass is a dark and lonely place....
>He saw it, he thought, I was just raped and...
Tom: He saw what?
>Ryoga stopped dead. His mind frozen with horror at what it had
>just thought. He could no longer deny the truth. It had happened.
>He had been raped. Ryoga sobbed, his tears pooling on the steel table.
>His body ached with the pain of the multiple rapes, and his heart ache
>with the need for revenge.
Crow: And yet if it had been Sailor Venus, the pain and humiliation
would have turned to pleasure and ecstasy and before long, she would
have been begging her captors for more and MORE, EVEN THOUGH
SHE WAS KIDNAPPED AGAINST HER WILL AND....!!!
Tom: Crow, that was thirty-one MSTings ago! Get over it!
Crow: Hmph!
>He just needed the chance to recover his strength. Once he did
>that, he could free himself. Then he would kill every soldier there.
Tom: He'd better hurry. The main cast's been getting slaughtered!
>CHAPTER 3
>-------------------
All: <singing> 3 is a magic number, yes it is, it's a magic number....
>Sasuke stood outside the building the soldiers had transformed
>into their headquarters.
Crow: <Sasuke> : Come on guys, I really wanna fight! Please? Just one
little fight? C'mon, I'm just a bit character, this is my only shot out of here,
somebody come out here and stab me already!
Tom: <soldier> Since we can't risk revealing our nationality, we'll
simply refer to our headquarters as... Carl.
>A building that had once been Kolhotz High School. Unseen. Unheard.
Tom: Unspoken.
Joel: Untouched.
Crow: Unforgiving.
All: Unforgettable
>He could hear the screams of a prisoner being tortured and he shuddered,
>his eyes going wide with terror.
Crow: <Sasuke> They're showing him reruns of Momma's Family, those
BASTARDS!
>"Stop that." He told himself. "You're a ninja. You don't feel
>terror, you inspire it.
Tom: Much like this fanfic.
Crow: Neat quote though.
>Now, get in there and avenge Master Kuno and Mistress Kodachi."
Joel: Let's get in there and avenge them OUR way!
>He'd been telling himself that for two days, and for two days, he
>had backed down.
Crow: Shame on you, Sasuke. What would Lee van Cleef say?
>This time, however, there was no backing down. Once was
>understandable, twice might be overlooked. But to back down a
>third time would, in his heart, be unforgivable.
Joel: Not to mention it would slow down the plot even further.
Crow: <Sasuke> Then again, Master Kuno always said the vengeance
of heaven was SLOW but sure....
>Carefully, he pried open a window that lead into the basement and
>slipped inside.
All: <loudly imitate the sound of a security alarm>
Tom: THIS IS THE ALARM FORCE SECURITY SYSTEM! IDENTIFY
YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY! OFFICERS HAVE BEEN DISPATCHED!
THIS IS A RECORDING!
>Upon landing, he realized that the room he was now in had been
>transformed into a cell. A body lay upon a steel table. Male, naked,
>badly hurt.
Crow: No distinguishing marks but plenty of scars.
Tom: <Sasuke> Man, did I stumble into an episode of the X-Files or
what?
Joel: <Sasuke> Somewhere in here is a cell with a nude Jillian Anderson,
all frumpy and getting paid scale....
>Sasuke checked the boy's pulse. "Still alive." He told himself. Then he
>noticed the bandanna. "Wait a minute. This is Ryoga Hibiki, the boy
>who's been missing."
Joel: A full-scale military invasion, and there's only ONE boy
unaccounted for?!
>"Is that his name?" The soldier asked.
Crow: <Sasuke> Yeah, he's missing for a few days now and... huh?!?
>Sasuke eyed the window for just a moment.
Tom: <Sasuke> Now why on earth did I come into this room when the
soldier was still in here? D'oh! Master Kuno's gonna smite me from
heaven, I just know it!
>"Oh, leaving so soon are we?" The soldier unzipped his pants,
Crow: <Soldier> One false move and I'll wiggle my weenie at you!
>unaware that Ryoga was now fully awake and aware of Sasuke's
>presence. "Pity. You'll miss the show." He pushed his cock into
>Ryoga's mouth, leering evilly.
Crow: Uh, is NOW the best time to do that? Especially with a somewhat
credible fighter like Sasuke in the room with you?
Tom: Somewhat credible?
Crow: I'm being nice to the guy. Okay, so he's an incompetent dolt.
Forget I asked.
>Then the soldier screamed in agony and backed away, his hands at
>his groin, but in an akward position.
Tom: <Soldier> Too... much... soda... need... bathroom... now....
Crow: <singing> Oh I'm glad I'm not an Oscar Meyer wieeeeeennnerrrr....
>As he dropped to his knees, holding himself, Sasuke drove a dagger
>into his head.
Tom: <Sasuke> And I've got a little TIP for you? Get the POINT?
Joel: Wouldn't slitting his throat or something have been a lot easier?
Tom: Hey, it worked for Steven Seagal in 'Under Siege', didn't it?
>Ryoga spat out the man's severed cock.
Tom: <Dubbed Kurimoto Shinichiro> In a word, it was bitter.
Crow: <Dubbed Kishi Asako> Well, it IS a dish for grown ups.
>"Sasuke, get me free."
Joel: ...HBO! Quickly!
>Sasuke grabbed the dead man's keys and unshackled Ryoga. Ryoga
>pulled the uniform off the soldier. He hated it, but he had to wear
>something. Unless...
>"Get me some cold water." He told the diminutive Ninja.
Tom: <Sasuke> Hey, just because I used to work for the Kunos doesn't
give you the right to order me around like a flunky! And how about
some gratitude for rescuing you, huh?
Joel: <Ryouga> Listen, knee high! If you had arrived in time to prevent
an entire invasion force from raping me, then MAYBE I'd be in a more
grateful mood!
Tom: <Sasuke> Hey! I lost my master and mistress to that invasion force!
How about having a little compassion?
Joel: <Ryouga> Are you kidding? I lost the only girl I ever loved to those
bastards and you're worried about losing the right to bootlick for the Kuno
family?!?
Tom: <Sasuke> Okay. That's it. It's go time, bandanna boy!
Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen... The Action Hero Buddy Sketch! Thank
you very much!
>Sasuke opened the cell and went out into the corridor. Looking
>around, he found the downstair's janitor closet. He filled a small pail
>with cold water and returned to Ryoga's cell with it.
Joel: Should I even bother to point out the flawed logic of not posting
more guards outside Ryouga's cell? Especially considering what he
did to them in the Tendo Dojo?
Crow: Not to mention the poor choice of having an easily opened window
in Ryouga's cell?
Tom: Nah. Why bother?
>"Thank you." Ryoga told him. He picked up the pail and
>overturned it onto himself.
>The pail landed upside down on the ground where it stood
>rattling in front of the stunned eyes of Sasuke.
>"BWEE!!!" echoed from beneath the pail.
Tom: Oops, time for a breather, guys....
Joel: Heh, too bad this isn't the anime, this would be a great place to put
a super-deformed transition scene....
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
* * *
DEEP 13
The emergency
lights were dim. The air thick with sweat and body
odors. Dr. Forrester was currently slumped against the refrigerator, trying his
best to convince himself the surface was cool and soothing. A trickle of sweat
from his forehead slowly slid down the right lens of his glasses. He couldn't
even be bothered wiping it away this time.
"Frank... how much longer?" Dr. Forrester moaned.
"I'd say about ten minutes or so," Frank replied from his prone
position on the floor.
"The repairman's arriving in ten minutes?" Dr. Forrester asked.
"No, I meant ten minutes or so for us to live," Frank clarified.
"Oh." Dr. Forrester sighed, disappointed.
"Cheer up, Dr. F! If I go first, you can eat me!" Frank offered.
"We're not starving, Frank! We're overheating!" Dr. Forrester
replied, exasperated.
"Oh yeah. Sorry, Steve," Frank apologized.
"Then again...." Dr. Forrester had a thoughtful look on his sweaty
features. "I could always drink your body water to survive until the repairman
gets here."
"There ya go! When I'm dead, my water is your water!" Frank replied
cheerfully.
Dr. Forrester shook his head. "No, we can't take the chance that I
may be too weak from dehydration to perform the surgery by the time you
finally croak. So stick a tube into your stomach now and start serving me cups of
your body water at half hourly intervals! And for god sakes, FILTER it with
the Brita Pitcher first!"
"Uhhh... you're serious?" Frank asked, his face growing pale.
"Start pouring, Frank...." Dr. Forrester replied coldly.
Just then, the doorbell rang. Frank and Dr. F nearly ran each other
over in the race to answer the door, salvation giving them renewed energy as
they threw open the door and both began babbling at once.
"At last! You're here! We've saved! I'm saved! We've been
waiting for you! Get your ass in here!"
Sasuke humbly bowed before the two. He was clad in a blue utility
suit with the logo 'Sasuke's Air Repair" emblazoned on his back. "Yes, masters,
I have come to service your fallen conditioner and once again bless this noble
home with cold, refreshing air circulation! I, Sasuke, your loyal repwairman,
do hearby swear!"
"Say, aren't you in today's experiment?" Dr. F asked, puzzled,
as Sasuke entered Deep 13.
"Yes, my previous employers were tragically cut down in the spring
of their years and I, Sasuke, their former manswervant, shall avenge them... as
soon as I work up the nerve, that is... heh...." Sasuke laughed nervously for
a moment and then lowered his head in shame.
"You see, I am also a ninja." Sasuke explained. "And a ninja
inspires fear. Unfortunately, I have inspired fear in myself as well. As
long as I'm out there, I don't dare attempt to avenge my previous employers.
To do so might mean having to confront myself and be sent to the next world
by my own hand. Then only I would remain to avenge my previous employer's
death!" Sasuke sighed. "It's just too horrible to think about!"
Dr. Forrester and Frank looked at each other for a moment before
staring blankly at Sasuke.
"Yeah, whatever, look Tenchu, can you fix the freaking air conditioning
or not?!? My wate... er... life depends on it!" Frank snapped impatiently.
"Of course, Master Frank! Master Forrester! I, Sasuke, your
humble swervent vows it will be done!" Sasuke exclaimed with another bow
as he rushed over to the air conditioner and began fiddling with the controls.
Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester turned to Frank. "Is he really the only guy we
could get?" he muttered under his breath.
"It was either him or Torgo again, sir," Frank whispered.
"Do not worry, Masters! I, Sasuke, your eternally grateful
mecwhanic will have the noble bringer of breeze returned to you before
you can say 'Nine naughty ninjas nibbling nine nice new nasturtiums in
nanniuichan!'" Sasuke exclaimed as he went back to work in earnest.
"I don't think I could say that if I tried," Frank replied, bewildered.
"Oh, thank goodness! The truth is, I'm new at this and I need all
the extra time I can get!" Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief. "But not to
worry! I, Sasuke, the heir to Air Repair, will not disappoint you! This I
hereby swear! For I, Sasuke, care!"
"Kill him... Kill... him...." Frank muttered.
"Patience, Frank... patience...." Dr. Forrester whispered. "The second
the air conditioning is fixed...."
"Yes... then we'll be free to kill him... Can we use method number
fifty-three? Can we?" Frank whispered excitedly.
Dr. Forrester shook his head. "No, that's too elegant for the likes of him."
"How about the BOX! That's pretty painful!" Frank suggested.
"Nah, he'd pass out before the serious pain kicked in...." Dr. Forrester replied,
his brow furrowed in thought. Then he glanced at the Umiport on the far wall, a
device that allowed Deep 13 to send small objects up to the Satellite of Love by way
of a really long tube connected to both ends. Then he glanced at Sasuke working
on the air conditioning and an evil smile came over his face
"I've got a MUCH better idea...."
TO BE CONTINUED IN TORTURED ECHO PT. 2
....
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