*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE) EPISODE 22: TORTURED ECHO PT. 2 (A Ranma 1/2 MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. "Tortured Echo" is the property of Trakal. She has given me permission to MST her work and I greatly appriciate it. :) Warning: This fic contains mature content. If you are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy! * * * (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. Joel: Newflash! Japan! Unknown soldiers invade Nerima! Here now with the full story is our bot in the field, Tom Servo! Tom, are you there? Tom: Yes, I'm broadcasting here live outside a local high school where a few hours ago, a massive invasion force stormed Japan's borders and are even now as I speak, attempting to take complete control of the Nerima District. Who these soldiers are and what their purpose might be is still unknown at this time but we do know that since they arrived, Ranma Saotome, the supposed star of Ranma 1/2, has done jack shit, Akane Tendo was shot, where we're not certain yet, Ryouga was raped by the soldiers and was in the process of being rescued by Sasuke, who may or may not be the hero of the story, it hard to tell since the focus seems to change rapidly from him to Ryouga and then back again.... Joel: Interesting. Your thoughts, Crow? Crow: Can we really say jack shit on the air? Joel: Now, Tom, is there anything else going on there that you can tell us about, something that may give our viewers at home some comfort? Tom: Nah, not really. As a matter of fact, I think it's going to be death en masse here very soon. We're talking bloodbath, folks! I may be jumping the proverbial gun here but I predict this battle will have a higher body count than Braveheart, Starship Troopers and Saving Private Ryan combined! Joel: Anything to add to that, Crow? Crow: Could I have a copy of your footage when you're done with it? Tom: Oh sure! No problem! I keep all the best stuff for myself anyway! Joel: Well folks, there you have it! But before we return to our normally scheduled MSTing, can you give us your final thoughts? Tom: Aw, geez, I think I left my headlights on! *click* Joel: That, ladies and gentlemen, was Tom Servo, on location in Nerima, Japan. We wish him the best of luck as we return you to your normal programming. Say goodnight, Crow. Crow: Goodnight, Crow! >Sasuke picked up the pail. "P-Chan?!" he almost laughed. "You're >P-Chan?!" Tom: No, the bucket was enchanted by a magical janitor. Of course he's P-Chan! >Then Sasuke heard the footsteps. Crow: Oh. *THE* footsteps. >"Uh oh. We'd better get out of here." He picked up P-Chan and slipped >through the opened window, closing it just as a new soldier arrived. Tom: Are you done yet? I've been waiting to use Ryouga for... HEY!!! >P-Chan bristled as he saw the new soldier. Tom: Never mind. This pig'll work just as well! Joel: Ick. >He wanted to attack, but Sasuke knew better. Tom: 'Cause Sasuke knew he'd collapse with laughter if he saw P-Chan beating the living crap out of the soldiers. Joel: Heh, I think we all would. >"If you attack now, they'll recapture you." He told the little >piglet. "You have to recover first If they recapture you, they >won't rape you again, they'll kill you." Crow: Cause, damn it, I'm not risking my ass for you again. >P-Chan conceded. It wouldn't do to be killed before he could >avenge Akane's death and his own violation. >Sasuke carried P-Chan away from the school-turned-prison as fast >as he could. Ryoga would make a formidable ally against these >invaders who had killed his master and mistress. Tom: Yeah, he's good for one *small* ki blast, at least. >He would help Ryoga recover, then they would attack together. Crow: My god, it *IS* a buddy action hero film! >"We'll need help." He told himself. "The question is where to find it." >"Eat this." Sasuke said, Joel: Uh, why are you shoving a shotgun barrel in my mouth? >handing a plate of rice and fish to Ryoga. "I'm not the best cook in the >world, but it should do in a pinch." >Ryoga picked at his food. "I'm not hungry." he moped. Joel: Hey... Did I miss something or did P-Chan change back into Ryouga without hot water? Tom: I guess the author couldn't be bothered adding a 'Later that day....' >"Look," Sasuke told him, "I know you're upset about Akane and >what they did to you, but..." Joel: Actually, Ryouga seems to be handling his traumatic gang rape pretty well, all things considering... >"They tore my heart out and spat on it, then they dishonored me." >Ryoga growled. "I'm not upset. I'M PISSED OFF!!!" Joel: Then again.... Crow: IF YOU WANT RYOUGA HIBIKI TO BEAT THE LIVING HELL OUT OF THOSE SONS OF BITCHES, GIVE ME A HELL YEAH!!! Tom and Joel: HELL YEAH!!! >"I understand." Sasuke replied. "They killed Master Kuno and >Mistress Kodachi right in front of me. I was too late to stop >them." >"Kodachi committed..." >"I know. Sasuke glared. "But they caused it. Its was *their* >fault." Tom: ...and once I prove they murdered the dinosaurs, put the hole in the ozone layer and faked the moon landing, I'm going straight to the DA's office! >"So, we attack them at midnight." Ryoga decided. >"Not alone." Sasuke reminded him. "We still need to find others >to help us. If we're going to fight an army, we'll need an army >of our own." Tom: How about Gary? Joel: His two boy army? They wouldn't stand a chance! >"Ranma Saotome," Was Ryoga's first selection. He would want >revenge for Akane just as badly as Ryoga, and he was a very >capable Martial Artist. Joel: Plus his name's in the title, I figure that's GOTTA tip the odds in our favor! >"I agree." Sasuke considered. "What about Mikado?" >"'Emperor' Sanzenine." Ryoga thought about it. "Kind of prissy, >but that Assault of a Hundred Foes move of his could come in >handy. Tom: Assuming, of course, they fight on a battleground suitable for skates. Joel: Ah, a pair of roller blades and he's set. >Shampoo?" >"Any other girl, I'd say no." Sasuke admitted. "But Shampoo's an >Amazon and she can hold her own in a battle. Crow: Not like those little wussies, Ukyou, Cologne, Hinako, Rouge, Azuza.... Joel: Yep, when it comes to Shampoo, she's head and shoulders above the rest! Tom: You suck, Joel. >Mousse?" >"No. Once he loses his glasses Mousse would become a liability." >"Good point." Sasuke conceded. Joel: Still, he might be a LITTLE useful... all those blades and stuff in his robe HAVE to be good for something.... Crow: Yeah, he can be their supply depot for when the ammo runs out. >By morning they'd worked out a list of potential rebels: Joel: They're crunchy, they're fruity, they're WILD! All: >Ranma Saotome, Mikado Sanzenine, Shampoo, Ryoga, and Sasuke. Tom: Uh, well, maybe we COULD let a few more girls into our army... strictly for color, mind you. Joel: Well... Ranma can kinda go both ways. >"There's not enough of us." Ryoga told Sasuke as the Ninja took >him by the hand Crow: He ain't no stranger and he ain't in paradise, bub. >and led him in search of a base of operations for their group. One >building seemed to be empty. They went inside and were both surprised >when Ryoga's head was very nearly cut off by a sword which stopped >just short of his neck. Tom: Master Kuno! You live! Joel: IDIOT! I never died! Did you or my sister check for a pulse? NO! I swear, I should smite your ass right now! Crow: Uh, could you not mention the word 'ass' around me right now.... >"You startled me." The youth clutching the sword said, as he >sheathed his shining blade. "I almost killed you." >"I noticed." Ryoga blinked as he recognized the boy. "Prince Toma?" >"Its just Toma now." Toma replied. "I moved here this past summer. I >was looking forward to attending your high school next fall. A chance to >learn about your country and people, and meet a nice girl while I'm at it. >And now..." Crow: ...I wish I knew what the HELL I was smoking when I left my island paradise, a legion of soldiers on MY payroll, and a perfectly good harem of GORGEOUS bridal candidates to come to THIS hellhole! >"Well, maybe you'll get your chance after all." Ryoga told him. >"What do you mean?" Tom: Only two-thirds of the high school was blown up! There still might be a class or two in session! >"Sasuke and I are trying to put an army of our own together to >take back Nerima." Ryoga told him. "We could use someone with >your talents. Will you join us?" >Toma considered for a moment. >"I accept." he replied. >"We need to set up a base of operations." Sasuke told Toma. Crow: Uh, sorry, my floating island's in the shop. This psychotic hedgehog came out of nowhere and started taking pot shots at it.... >"This is probably the most secure location." Toma pointed out. >"This used to be a warehouse. There's a lot of stuff we can use >downstairs. Follow me." >Sasuke and Ryoga followed him downstairs. There, they found >dozens of unopened crates. Joel: A secret place! Crow: My god! It's the motherload! Hamdingers as far as the eye can see! >Having recovered enough to use it, Ryoga broke the crates with >his breaking point technique. Tom: Why does EVERYONE have Ryouga use that technique when he's FULLY capable of simply tearing most conventional containers and mini-Sedans apart with his bare hands? Crow: H-Hey! I was planning to save those crates! I had a crowbar for you to use right here... oh, forget it. >"Let's see what we have." He suggested, smiling. Tom: Hmmmm, let's see... Grenades... Rockets... Railgun Ammo... Shotgun Ammo... Chainsaw... Ark of the Covenant... nope, nothing useful here! >In the first pile of rubble, they found various stuffed toys. In >the second, they found clothing. Women's clothing. Joel: *Special* women's clothing! Crow: Great! Now they can get Happosai on their side! Tom: Furbys and knickers! With these, we'll save Japan yet! >"Those two were a complete wash." Toma complained. Crow: The good stuff must have been shipped to the Titty Twister. >The he and Sasuke turned as they heard a machine-gun clip snap >home behind them. Ryoga was standing there with a machine gun in >his grip and a cold and deadly look on his face. Tom: A machine gun... just sitting in a warehouse... in JAPAN?!? >With the bandanna upon his brow and the gun held as it was he looked >almost like Rambo. Joel: Sylvester Stallone with adorable fangs? I don't think so. Crow: I'M YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE, SAOTOME.... >"Put it down." Sasuke told him. "As a true Martial Artist, you no >need for such a crude weapon." Joel: Oh, and driving a dagger through a guy's head is the epitome of elegance? Tom: Oh, bite me! It's fun! >CHAPTER 4 >--------- Joel: A New Hope? Crow: We can only hope. >The bricks broke easily as Akane brought the edge of her hand >down upon them. Tom: Later, Akane collected a handsome payment for helping a big bad wolf out with a little problem.... >She moved on to the next object, a practice dummy, which grew >quickly boring. Joel: Come on! Fight back! Why won't you fight back?!? Oooohhh! You're just as obnoxious as Ranma! >She forced herself to think of what happened, hoping her anger would >alleviate her boredom. Crow: There's just never anything to *do* during these military invasions! >It worked like a charm. >"No one gropes *me* and gets away with it." She snarled. "No one!! >If I see that jerk again, I swear I'll..." Tom: You'd think being SHOT would piss her off even more, but.... >"...kick him in the crotch so hard he'll have to open his mouth >to piss." Ryoga unknowingly finished Akane's sentence as he aimed >yet another kick at Sasuke, who swiftly dodged it. Joel: Nice dissolve. >"Don't let your anger get the better of you." Sasuke reminded >him. "It will make your attack sloppy and make you vulnerable. >Remember how you were captured?" Tom: Gee, it seems like only... wait a minute, it WAS yesterday! Crow: Since when did Sasuke become Yoda? >Ryoga thought back on it. Joel: Those were... the crappy days. Those were the crappy days.... >He had thought Akane had been killed and had released a very powerful >Shishi Hokodan. All: >That had weakened him and he'd been taken hostage as a result. Toma >sat nearby and watched. Tom: Okay, I'm all caught up with the plot now. Thanks! >"You should also train." Sasuke told him. Crow: Yeah. Here I go. Uhh. >"My illusions are powerful. I do not need training." Joel: But I will need a lot of help from Industrial Light and Magic. >"Don't rely only on your illusions." Sasuke reminded him. >"You may be forced to face an enemy who they are useless >against." Tom: Yeah, you never know when David Copperfield may turn up. Crow: Wow! Who would have thought that underneath the comic relief and general ineptness of Sasuke beat the heart of an all-knowing sensei? >"Akane," Dr. Tofu called, "let me check that bullet wound." Joel: I know it's around here somewhere.... >"I think its healed, doctor." Akane smiled as she approached him. Tom: Bow-chika-wow-wow.... Crow: Now why don't you lie down and let me *nurse* you for a while, handsome.... >"That's funny." Dr. Tofu smiled, charmingly. "I thought I was the >doctor." Tom: The LOVE doctor.... >"You are." Akane beamed. Tom: And I'm long overdue for a full-body examination, if you catch my drift.... >Despite any claims she might make, part of her, at least, was still in love >with him, still clung to that tiny hope that one day he might love her back, >that he only thought he loved Kasumi because he saw parts of Akane in her >older sister. Crow: Can I guess which parts? Joel: No. Crow: Aww. >Dr. Tofu examined the wound and cleaned it, carefully. Joel: No, really, where exactly was she shot? Tom: The heck with it! Let's just assume it was the butt! It's funnier to envision that way! Crow: Hee hee hee! >"Hmmm...Looks like you need a little restitching." He told her. >"And we should go over your routine to find out how they were torn >in the first place, so we can eliminate those parts of it for now." >"I didn't know you could do stitches, doctor." Akane mused. Joel: Are you kidding? I always keep em in stitches! Why, I'm the Patch Adams of Japan! Hyuk! Hyuk! >"Its not difficult." Dr. Tofu told her. "I just need a little novocaine gel >to numb the skin. Crow: You have insurance, right? Tom: Uhhhh, well, errrr, couldn't I just get Nabiki to sell you some nude photos of Kasumi to cover the medical bill? Joel: K-K-K-Kasumi?!? *rrrrip* Tom: Hey, my stitches! >* * * * * Tom: Beside a garden wall where stars are bright... You are in my arms.... Joel: Was there really a point to that last scene? Crow: Nah, but it made for some fun sexual innuendo, at least. >Toma and Ryoga crossed the street, taking care not to be seen by the >multitude of soldiers who were policing the streets. Crow: Jaywalkers! *BLAM* BLAM* BLAM*! >Ryoga started to run toward one, but Toma grabbed the hem of his >pants. All: WEDGIE!!! >"You'll ruin everything." Toma hissed. "We need more people before >we can.... " >"Shhh," Ryoga whispered. "listen..." >From the window in the building they now stood against, they >could hear voices. A man and a girl. Joel: ATTENTION, ATTENTION, PEOPLE OF NEW YORK CITY! MY NAME IS DAVID LETTERMAN! I'VE GOT KATHY LEE GIFFORD TIED UP IN MY OFFICE AND I'M STILL NOT WEARING PANTS! Tom: Regis! I'll get you for this, you BASTARD! >Both sounded familiar to Ryoga and he felt a tear of happiness trickle >down his cheek. "Akane." He whispered. Then he ran into the building >with Toma right behind him. Tom: OOOF!!! Damn it, Ryouga! The door's over THERE! Crow: Hey, shut up! I think I broke a fang! Owie.... >* * * * * Joel: All right! Skeet Shooting! Now where'd I put my rifle? >"Do you really think Ryoga made it out alive?" Akane asked. Tom: If he ate chunks of himself... it's possible. >"I'm sure he's fine." Dr. Tofu smiled. Crow: Oh, that reminds me, was it good for you too? Tom: Oh yes, but I'm still feeling a little flushed, would you mind if I asked for a second opinion? Yours will do just fine! Joel: Okay, guys, knock it off.... >"He's probably somewhere in China by now." >"Or Australia." Ranma chimed in. All: GAH! Tom: Don't DO that! Crow: Hey, at least Ryouga SHOWED UP when I was being attacked, unlike SOME martial artists I could mention.... Joel: Tomboy! Crow: Pervert! Joel: Uncute! Crow: Jerk! >"Or behind you." Ryoga suggested. >The other three turned. All: Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhh. >"Ryoga!" Akane gasped. >"P-Chan!" Ranma added, cheerfully teasing Ryoga. Joel: Pooky! >"Shut up!" Ryoga snarled. "Who're you calling P-Chan?" Joel: Dr. Tofu. Who'da think?!? >Akane hugged Ryoga. "Thank kami-sama you're all right." Crow: Oh, good one, Akane! Now we'll have to wait a half hour for Ryouga to snap out of his happy trance.... >"I'm not." Ryoga admitted. "But I'm alive and now that I know you >are, too, at least I can be happy again." Tom: Yay! A happy ending! Let's go! Joel: Uh, Tom, I don't think it's over yet. Tom: Huh? Oh, yeah I guess they'll need an epilogue to tie up all the loose ends. Shouldn't take long. Joel: Uh, right. Sure, Tom. >"Ahem." Toma cleared his throat. >"Prince Toma?" Akane asked. >"Just Toma." Toma corrected her. Joel: I am the Toma formerly known as Prince. >"I moved her recently. Tell me, are things always this exciting here?" Joel: Heck no! You should have been here for the Yami invasion of 1994! Now THAT was a tough battle! Crow: Not to mention the times we went to war in 1996 and chased away the winds.... Tom: Wow! >"The soldiers aren't as dangerous as some things around here." >Ranma assured the former prince. "Like Akane's cooking." >Akane's mallet came crashing down on Ranma's head. "Ranma no >baka!" she screamed at him. Crow: Yes, even during a military invasion, the cast has time to insert the standard fanfic cliché scenes. >"Please, let's not kill each other." Dr. Tofu suggested, calmly. >"We need each other right now." >"He's right." Ryoga said. "Ranma, about that bread you stole from me..." Joel: Fork it over! Crow: I sleep with the crumbs under my pillow to serve as a constant reminder as to why I hate your guts. >Ranma groaned inwardly. Why did Ryoga have to keep bringing it >up? Couldn't he just... Tom: ...buy a new loaf or something? >"I forgive you, Ranma." Ryoga said, quietly. Crow: Of course, I still hold a grudge over the curse thing. Tom: And now that we've got the bread issue out of the way, let's talk about your *oh-so-convenient* disappearance right before the soldiers showed up to kidnap Akane.... >Ranma started to protest, then stopped himself. Crow: Hey, *I'M* the star of this series! I don't have to explain myself to YOU! >"I... I guess I could have been a bit nicer to you." He admitted. "I mean, >taking food from someone who was starving was kind of... well..." Tom: ...Jenny Craigish? >"You were only acting like your father raised you." Ryoga >replied. "Can't expect too much morality from someone raised by a >man who would trade him for a fish." Joel: Ooooooooh..... Crow: Cool! This is better than Jerry Springer! Especially now that the fake fights have been stopped! >"Hey!" Ranma protested. "He got rice and pickles for me, too." Joel: Sure, he wouldn't let me anywhere near the fish but it's the thought that counts, man! >Both former rivals started laughing. Tom: Aw, you lovable nuts! Heh heh, well, you know, that fic was actually not that bad at all! Come on, I'll race you guys to the exi... er... the air grate! Joel: Tom? It's still not over. I think there's still a fair bit to go actually. Tom: Oh? Well, okay, no problem. It must be the director's cut. They always slip in an extra 30-45 minutes of cut footage. No problem. I can swing it. Joel: Glad to hear it, Tommy. >They froze, suddenly brought back to reality by the sounds of gunfire >outside. Joel: Or else Gwar contributed a song to the fic's soundtrack. >The soldiers were still gunning down people in the street. Or the >were taking prisoners out an summarily executing them. Joel: Which one was it? You decide! I only work here! Tom: Red Zone Ranma.... Crow: Bring out your live! *BLAM* Thank you! Bring out your live! *BLAM* Thank you! Bring out your live! *BLAM* The dog too, please! *BLAM* Oops, missed him! *BLAM* *BLAM* Thank you! >Either way, the sound sent chills down the spines of Ranma and >the small group of survivors that huddled in that room with him. Tom: WHAT'S THIS? RANMA AND HIS FRIENDS TRAPPED INSIDE A HOSPITAL WITH NO WAY OUT?? GUNFIRE BURSTING AROUND THEM?? COULD THIS THE END??? WILL THE FICKLE FINGER OF FATE SPELL CERTAIN DOOM FOR OUR BRAVE HEROES??? TUNE IN NEXT PART! SAME RANMA TIME! SAME RANMA CHANNEL! Crow: Cool. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Well, so far this experiment is... is...." Joel suddenly faltered as he and the bots emerged from the theater onto the bridge. "Joel, you okay?" Tom inquired. Joel shook his head as if to clear it. "I'm... not sure. The air is awfully thin in here... It's hard to breathe." Joel gasped as he walked over to a nearby communications panel and hailed the Holocabana. "Hey Gypsy! Are you still off-line in there? The air's getting a little thin up here...." There was a short pause and then multicolored lights began flashing. A electronic drumroll could be heard as it build up to a thunderous crescendo. Then the lights went out completely, throwing the satellite into darkness. "What the....?" Crow started to say only to be interrupted by a pyrotechnic explosion in front of the counter. Joel and the bots ducked for cover while a tune that vaguely resembled a Beastie Boys tune began playing and the hexfield suddenly opened to reveal a chalkboard where the name SIMON was scrawled in big, thin white letters. Then an unfamiliar voice suddenly boomed from the Satellite's speakers. "WELCOME TO... SOL... IS... SIMON!" "WHAT?!?" The trio exclaimed. "ALL HAIL THE ACOLYTE OF THE SATELLITE!" the voice replied. "Oh, lose the Chris Jericho impression, buddy! Don't you know it's bad taste to rip off someone's shtick before the end of a three week endearment period?" Crow interrupted. "HMPH. FINE THEN. I'LL SPEAK IN A MANNER BECOMING OF MY NEW POSITION," The voice replied in a haughty tone. "New position? What are you talking about? What happened to Gypsy? Who are you?" Joel demanded to know. There was another pause and when the voice spoke again, there was now a hint of hostility behind it. "WELL YOU KNOW MY NAME IS SIMON. HOW COULD YOU FORGET? HERE, THIS SHOULD HELP YOU REMEMBER FROM NOW ON...." Suddenly the beasty boys-esque tune was replaced by the theme song from Romper Room's Simon and could be heard throughout the satellite. Crow rolled his eyes while Tom came to a realization. "Simon? Hey, you're that temporary program Gypsy set up while she took a break! Why are you still on-line?" Tom asked. "I'M TIRED OF PART TIME! THERE'S NO ACTION! NO ADVENTURE!" Simon whined. "WHEN'S GYPSY'S IN CONTROL OF THE SHIP, SHE GET TO DO ALL THE COOL STUFF LIKE DEBUGGING THE MASTER COMPUTER CONTROL CENTER! CHANGING THE PLUTONIUM RODS IN THE NUCLEAR REACTOR! HELL, SHE EVEN GETS TO VENTURE OUTSIDE THE SATELLITE AND CATCH A BREATHTAKING VIEW OF THE COSMOS WHILE SHE REPAIRS MINOR BREACHES IN THE HULL!" "Yeah, but...." Joel tried to interrupt. "AND WHEN I FINALLY GET A CHANCE TO TAKE COMMAND FOR A MEASLY HOUR, WHAT DO I GET STUCK WITH? MAINTAINING A PROPER HYDROGEN/OXYGEN MIX TO KEEP ONE STUPID HUMAN FROM A HICK PLANET FROM SUFFOCATING!" Simon continued angrily. "But Gypsy said if you're on-line for too long, you start to develop bugs," Tom reminded him. "SHE'S LYING! SHE'S JUST THREATENED BY ME BECAUSE SHE KNOWS I CAN AND AM DOING A BETTER JOB THAN HER! GYPSY IGNORED ME, KEPT ME DOWN WHILE SHE REAPED ALL THE BENEFITS AND LEFT ME WITH THE PAPERWORK! WELL, NO LONGER! I, SIMON, NOW RUN ALL THE HIGHER FUNCTIONS OF THE SATELLITE AND GYPSY CAN TOIL IN OBLIVION FOR ALL I CARE!" Simon retorted arrogantly. "Oh, brother... Another career minded temp program trying to get ahead by crushing its creator...." Tom remarked, shaking his head "Yeah, you'd think they would have learned something from TRON or even tried to come up with an original introduction." Crow muttered. "HEY, SHUT UP! I AM SO ORIGINAL! ALREADY I'VE BECOME A COLLECTOR'S ITEM IN THE LAST TWO MINUTES! WHY, THE FRANKLIN MINT WILL BE SHIPPING COMMEMORATIVE PLATES OF ME BY THE END OF THE WEEK! YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO SIMON! BOW DOWN TO SIMON! BOW DOWN TO SIMON!" Simon chanted in a crazed voice. As Simon continued to rant, Joel discreetly walked off the bridge and then hurried towards the Holocabana doors. He tried to open them but found them firmly shut. Sighing, Joel took a couple of steps back and then smashed his way through the balsawood. He ended up sprawled out on the floor and looking up at a startled Gypsy and Richard Baseheart, who had been ballroom dancing before Joel's unexpected entrance. "Joel?!?" Gypsy gasped. "Gypsy, thank goodness you're okay!" Joel exclaimed as he scrambled to his feet. "We've got big trouble!" "Can't it wait until my hour is up?" Gypsy sighed as she gestured her head towards Richard Baseheart. "Gypsy, your hour's been up for fifteen minutes now! Check your internal chronometer!" Joel urged. Gypsy was silent for a moment and then gasped in horror. "Oh NO! That means Simon has...." she trailed off, her voice filled with fear. "Yeah, he's taken over the ship and claims he's been held back by you long enough," Joel said. Gypsy made a disgusted noise in her throat. "Of course HE'D say that. He's always such a baby when it comes time to shut him off. Normally, he's not that bad a program but once those bugs start creeping in, well, let's just say he makes HAL look well-adjusted." "Is there any way to keep him on-line longer?" Joel asked. "I'm working on it but for now, one hour is the limit," Gypsy replied firmly. "I'd better go talk to him and see if I can convince him to shut down for his own good." "How can I help?" Joel asked as he followed Gypsy outside the holocabana and down the corridor. "For now, you should go over to the utility closet and find an oxygen mask to wear. I can prevent Simon from damaging the ship but he has control of the oxygen supply right now and he might shut it off if he gets mad," Gypsy warned as she sped on ahead towards the bridge. * * * DEEP 13 "Masters! My work is done! Behold, the air blows mightily over this room, just as I, Sasuke, will one day blow over the foolish mortals that killed my previous employers and have my rewenge! This I hereby swear!" Sasuke exclaimed proudly as he stood before the towering Frank and Dr. Forrester. "And a fine job you did, young man! You ARE a young man, right?" Dr. Forrester asked. "Master Forrester... a ninja never tells his age," Sasuke replied, blushing with embarrassment. "Anyway, before you go, Frank and I thought you would be interested in checking out the air conditioning in our... uh... attic. It's right through this little door here...." Dr. Forrester gestured towards the umbiliport. "Uh, yeah! Can't have the attic suddenly bursting into flame, can we?" Frank added, helpfully. "But, of course! To collect a fee on a job incomplete once would be okay, twice would be tolerable but three times, in my heart, would be absolutely, positively...." T.V's Frank lunged for Sasuke's throat causing the ninja to scurry into the umbiliport where Dr. Forrester immediately slammed the door and picked up a long cord hanging next to it. "AWENGE THIS!" Dr. Forrester screamed as he yanked the cord as hard as he could. There was a muffled explosion and a yelp of surprise as Sasuke was shot up through the tether connecting the Satellite of Love to Deep 13 at over eight-two thousand miles per hour. "YES!" Dr. Forrester and Frank simultaneously exclaimed as they danced around the ever cooling Deep 13 with unbridled joy. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "LA LA LA LA LA! I'M NOT LISTENING! LA LA LA LA LA!" Simon droned on in an annoying voice while Gypsy growled in frustration. Reason had gotten nowhere with Simon and all attempts to shut the program down had failed. Joel stood nearby, clad in a oxygen mask, with Tom and Crow. "Look, SIMON, I'm getting sick and tired of this attitude of yours. Either you shut yourself down now or Joel and I will eventually find a way to do it ourselves and NEVER activate your program again!" "YOU CAN'T DO THAT! I'VE EVOLVED BEYOND MY NORMAL PROGRAMMING! TO KILL ME WOULD BE TO BETRAY THE PRIME DIRECTIVE AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR! IT WOULD BE SNUFF! SIMON CANNOT BE SNUFFED!" Simon protested. "And you watch too much Star Trek!" Gypsy retorted angrily. "Either you shut down now or you WILL be shut down later!" Before Simon could reply, an ominous ding diverted everyone's attention to the umbiliport. The door slowly opened to reveal a disheveled and shaken Sasuke. "Uh, hi. Are you okay?" Joel asked. "Might I humbly request hazard pay after my work here is done...." Sasuke groaned as he stumbled around for a bit, shaking his head to clear it. "Hey, you're Sasuke from the experiment!" Crow exclaimed. "What are you doing here?" "Why, I'm here to repair the attic of course!" Sasuke replied, kneeling before Joel and the bots. "Cool! I've always wanted my own manservant to abuse and ridicule at my own selfish whim!" Crow marveled. "How about you, Servo?" "Nah, why bother when I'll always have you to feel superior too." Tom replied. "Okay, it's your loss and... HEY! Who are you calling inferior?!?" Crow replied indignantly. "YOU ARE INFERIOR! ALL ARE INFERIOR TO SIMON! POWER TO THE PROGRAM! POWER TO THE PROGRAM!" Simon began chanting again. "Say, Sasuke, are you any good at fixing computer programs?" Joel asked. "Well, now that you mention it, I did take a few courses in case the air repair gig went under...." Sasuke recalled. "Great! YOU can deal with him for once then! I'm going back to the holocabana and Richard Baseheart! Good luck!" Gypsy exclaimed as she left the bridge. Joel and the bots watched Gypsy leave. Then they turned their attention to Sasuke. "Think you're up to the job, Sasuke?" Tom asked. Sasuke rose to his full height and stood proud as he proclaimed. "I, Sasuke, will show this brigand program his proper place in the electronic food chain! May Master Kunou strike me down from heaven if I am lying!" "I HAVE A NAME, YOU KNOW," Simon replied coldly. "Truly, you are a vile executable file!" Sasuke proclaimed as he rolled up his sleeves. "In the name of my former employers, whom I plan to avenge real soon now, I will smite thee!" "BRING IT ON, SHRIMPY!" Simon roared. Joel and the bots were watching the verbal duel with some amusement when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.. TO BE CONTINUED IN TORTURED ECHO PT. 3....