*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE) EPISODE 22: TORTURED ECHO PT. 3 (A Ranma 1/2 MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... "Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the distributors of her work. "Tortured Echo" is the property of Trakal. She has given me permission to MST her work and I greatly appriciate it. :) Warning: This fic contains mature content. If you are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy! * * * (Door 6: It slides open on both sides. Then abruptly slam shut again before you can enter. You wait as it opens again slightly, then slams shut once more. Finally, you lose patience and pry them open, rushing inside before they slam shut again.) (Door 5: It's made of beads. A few of them fall to the floor but otherwise remain motionless. You push your way through them.) (Door 4: It falls toward you to the floor. A stagehand lays on top of it, looking confused. Then he notices he's on camera and blushes before running away.) (Door 3: It's a giant bowling pin. A mechanical claw emerges from the ceiling and pulls it up inside.) (Door 2. It's a pile of black marbles. You glance at them oddly and try not to slip as you gingerly step over them. (Door 1: You're not sure if it still splits in four ways, twice, since you decided to smash your way through it rather than risk finding out. (Door .7: A sunlamp burns brightly from the floor. Reluctantly, you walk over to the old hatch from season one and pry it open. It is dusty, dirty and disgusting. You climb down it anyway....) Joel coughs from the dust as he walks into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. Crow: Call me crazy but I think SIMON's gotten into the door sequence. Tom: Good call, Crazy. Joel: I sure hope Sasuke knows what he's doing. This oxygen mask makes me sound like a kazoo. Crow: It's text. Who's gonna notice? Joel: Hey, check this out... I AM IRON MAN! Tom: Cute, Joel.... >CHAPTER 5: >-------------- >A solitairy figure knelt before the ruins of the Cat Cafe. Joel: So he likes to play cards? What's this *solitairy* stuff? Crow: Maybe it's the Gambling King? >A single tear ran down his scarred young face. The remains of his >glasses fell from his hands, but he did not bother to pick them >up. They were useless now, because he had no eyes. Tom: When the Three Stooges go too far.... >Taking a scissors in his hand, Mousse cut off the long tresses of >hair that flowed down his back. Crow: Mousse cutting his hair. I don't know why but that just seems wrong.... >Then, crying out in anguish, Joel: I HAVE NO EYES AND I MUST SCREAM!!! Tom: Well, at least, his mouth's okay. >he drew his dagger and was about to commit seppuku when a voice >spoke to him. A woman's voice. Joel: A *sensual* woman's voice! Crow: Seppuku? Mousse is Chinese! They don't do that shtick! >"Mousse," the voice said, "heed my words. I am Foam, Tom: My friends call me Foamy. >the first Queen of the Amazons. Tom: Oh good! I need you to go on top of the black king. Crow: Huh? Tom: Well, you said he was playing solitairy.... >You will avenge those who killed Shampoo and Cologne." Crow: A suspicious looking soldier packing a jumbo bottle of cream rinse was seen lurking in the area.... Joel: Well, there go two more Ranma 1/2 regulars. Tom: Hey, it's ONE way to solve the fiancee problem. >"I can't even see them." Tom: Neither can I. Where are their bodies anyway? >"You need only follow my voice." the female voice. "I will guide >your blows." >"I shall not fail you." Mousse vowed as he removed his robes. Crow: Huh? Uh... hold on... I didn't say to disrobe... No, really, I think you misunderstood me... when I said blows, I didn't mean... oh my.... >CHAPTER 6: >------------------- Tom: Gee, that was pretty short for a chapter. >"No... stop...STOP!" Ryoga sat up in the cot and tried, vainly, >to look around in the darkness. "Oh kami, I'm blind!" he >screamed. Crow: I can't see! I can't see! Tom: What's the matter? Crow: I've got my eyes closed! >"You're not blind," Ranma told him. "its the middle of the night >and its dark." >"Where am I?" Ryoga asked. >"We're in hell." Ranma replied, bitterly. Tom: Frogtown? How did we get there? >"I always knew I'd end up there eventually." Ryoga sighed. >"Don't worry," Ranma told him. "We'll get Nerima back." Crow: Or my name isn't Ataru Moroboshi! >"Ranma. When we go after the soldiers, I'm going to kill them." >"Ryoga..." Ranma tried to reason with him. >"No." Ryoga cut him off. "I'm going to. And don't ask me why. I >have my reason." Crow: Actually, I was just going to ask you if you'd seen Ukyou yet? I need to know before I propose to Akane. Joel: Oh, well that makes... HEY!!! >"That reason have something to do with you screaming and waking >me up?" Ranma asked, not expecting an answer. >"It has everything to do with it." Ryoga replied, giving him one. >"Ranma, about Akane. You can tell her about P-chan if you want." >"Ryoga..." Ranma began. Crow: ...are you cuckoo nuts crazy?!? What do you think she'll do to ME when she finds out I knew about your curse all this time?!? Don't worry, pal, your secret and MINE is safe with me! >"There's no reason for her not to know." Ryoga told Ranma. >"I can't marry her. Not after..." Joel: ...our brief, but, bitter affair. Tom: ...I decided that she would never love me, and switched over to Akari. >There was a long silence. Ranma wasn't sure if Ryoga had fallen >asleep or if he simply didn't want to tell Ranma what had >happened. Crow: Or if he was waiting for Ranma to say 'Ryouga....' again. >As he waited for Ryoga to speak again, Ranma drifted back to sleep. Joel: Okay! I'm ready to tell you what happened to me and... Ranma? Ranma? >CHAPTER 7: >--------- >"Strike!" The voice called out. All: UNION! UNION! UNION! >Mousse lunged at where the voice was. Tom: Foam's employed Mousse as a strike breaker? >He felt his hand come into contact with the side of a building. There was >an explosion of pain and he grabbed his hand, howling in pain. Crow: Making it painful to even watch the poor sod. >Something struck him on the head. >"You call yourself an Amazon? You should be ashamed of yourself." Crow: Why if only Chyna could see you now! She'd split a gut! >"My hand..." Mousse began. Tom: It looks strong, doesn't it? >"Ignore it." The voice demanded. "Your priority is to avenge >Shampoo and Cologne. You must learn to ignore all other things." Joel: What's that? Crow: YOU MUST IGNORE ALL OTHER THINGS!! Joel: Come again? Crow: ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHH!!! >"How can I avenge them with a broken hand?" Mousse demanded. Tom: And how can you mend a broken heart.... >"You'd rather I give you a broken back?" Foam inquired. "Now, back >to your training. And hit it harder next time." Tom: And if that don't work, give em a couple of bars of the weasel! >Mousse struck the wall again and again, ignoring the trickle of >blood that ran down his scraped knuckles, driven by the voice of >Foam. Joel: Ah yes, nothing inspires a person more than hearing the encouragement of... shaving cream. Crow: Yeah! Who needs Mr. Miyagi when I've got the power of FOAM on my side! >* * * * * Crow: There's snow business like snow business like snow business I know.... Tom: Thank you, Ethel. >"Are you going to tell her?" >Ranma looked up at Dr. Tofu. Ryoga and Toma were training with >Sasuke and Akane was still asleep. Joel: Well, yeah, she was groped by a soldier, she was shot in a non-descript area, she's had a hard day! Crow: And here I thought Sasuke had disappeared from the fic altogether.... >Ranma envied her. She was probably dreaming about how >Nerima used to be. How he hoped it would be again." Tom: Ooooooh... Oh yes, Tofu-Sama... right... THERE.... Crow: Or not. >"Tell...?" >"Akane," Dr. Tofu explained, "about P-Chan." >"I don't know." Ranma replied. "I mean she has a right to know. >But he should be the one to tell her." Tom: So I can get a running start. Joel: Say, how did you find out about Ryouga's curse, anyway? Crow: Foam told me. >"Have you thought about why he said it." >"Yeah." Ranma replied. "But I can't figure it out. Why did he >give up Akane. I mean, he loves her. Doesn't he?" >"I think you know the answer already." Dr. Tofu replied. "I >guessed it last night." Joel: But instead of immediately examining Ryouga for infection, possible sexually transmitted diseases, or any of the numerous things any doctor worth his salt would have done by now, I decided to wait until YOU figured it out first. Tom: Really? Gee thanks, doc! >Ranma turned his mind back to his conversation with Ryoga... Joel: Crank up the wayback machine, Sherman! >"I can't marry her. Not after..." >"Not after I've been..." Ranma began. But he refused to let >himself finish. Joel: There seems to be a lot of that going around in this fic. >It made his stomach churn to think that Ryoga could have suffered such >humiliation and pain. He turned to Dr. Tofu. "Ryoga's been ... disgraced, >hasn't he?" Crow: Hey, at least he fought to save the girl he loved! Where the hell were you? Sparring with Panda Man? >"That is what I've concluded." Dr. Tofu replied. "Ranma. You must >watch over him carefully in our upcoming battles. He is a strong >warrior, but his overwhelming sense of honor and his overpowering >hatred of the enemy could cloud his judgement in combat." Tom: Sooooo, his motivation for fighting really hasn't changed all that much then from before? Crow: Pretty much, yeah. >"I understand." Ranma nodded. Joel: I'll give him prozac around the clock and he'll be right as rain! >Chapter 8 >--------- Tom: Shouldn't that be 'CHAPTER 8'? Crow: Guess this chapter just isn't as EPIC as the others. >"I don't need any medical help." Ryoga protested. "I'm fine." >"You were assaulted, weren't you?" Dr.Tofu challenged. >Ryoga turned to Ranma, a look of anger and accusation on his >face. "How *dare* you tell Dr. Tofu lies about me!" He raised >his fist to strike Ranma. but Dr. Tofu stopped him. >"I'm a doctor," Dr. Tofu replied. "I know about these things. >Look, I understand you're embarrassed. But there are possible >medical consequences that you need to face." Joel: Hey, I could have confronted you about it last night but I decided to let you sleep in! How many other doctors would do that for their patients? >"I'm fine." Ryoga protested further. >"He's right, Ryoga." Ranma told him. "You need to have yourself >looked at. Please?" >Ryoga was about to make yet another protest Joel: Too bad Ryouga wasn't around in the sixties. He'd fit right in. >when an explosion shook the building they were in. He picked up the >uzi he'd armed himself with upon his escape from the prison Joel: I thought Sasuke talked him out of using a gun earlier? Tom: No, no, that was a lowly machine gun, this is an uzi, an *elegant* weapon. Crow: From a more civilized age... back before we offed all the Gungans for the hell of it. >and rushed toward the source of the explosion with Ranma and Dr. Tofu >close behind. Tom: Now, Ranma, do you promise not to disappear from this fight scene? Crow: Don't worry, Dr. Tofu! Ryouga can count on me! >Rounding the last corner, Ryoga raised the Uzi, then lowered it >as he saw Mousse running toward him. Joel: Good thing he's not a big fan of Duck Hunt.... Crow: Besides, it's rabbit season. Tom: DUCK season! Crow: RABBIT season! >There was something with him, a small object, like a toy planet but far >more sophisticated. The object flew to just above Ryoga. Joel: How did Luna P get here? Tom: Maybe it's a hellspawn of Unicron? Crow: No, it's worse! It's Purple Meteor from Maniac Mansion! HE'S COME TO SUCK OUT OUR BRAINS!!! YAHHHHHHH!!! Joel: Don't be a tuna head, Crow. >"Strike just below my voice." it told Mousse. Tom: UNION... UNION... UNION.... Crow: Cute, Tom.... >"The one who killed Shampoo is here." Joel: Do you know who it is? Have you figured it out yet? >"Mousse..." Ryoga began to say. Crow: No he didn't! He finished saying the name! Tom: Mou.... >But Mousse struck him and knocked him back several feet. >Ryoga dug in his heels and skidded to a stop, then struck Mousse >in return Joel: You're out! >"Kill him!" the object cried out. "Kill him and avenge Shampoo's death." Tom: Pick me up and bash me over his skull! There isn't a referee around for miles! >"I will obey you, Foam." Mousse promised as he renewed his >attack on Ryoga. Crow: Please stand still, mystery opponent, as I'm quite blind and prone to missing. >Ryoga blocked Mousse's blow, then countered with one of his own. >The sphere warned Mousse, who evaded Ryoga's blows. Tom: BODY BLOW! BODY BLOW! LEFT! LEFT! RIGHT! LEFT! RIGHT! KNOCK OUT!!! DING! DING! DING! DING! >"Why are you attacking me?" Ryoga demanded. "We're friends. >Well, sort of." Joel: I'm a well-wisher! In the sense that I don't wish you any *specific* harm.... >"You killed Shampoo!" Tom: My name is Mu Si. You killed my Shampoo. Prepare to die. Crow: Johnson's Baby never hurt anyone, man... He couldn't even cry, dammit! There was no more tears! NO MORE TEARS!!! >"No!" Ryoga tried to reason with Mousse as he defended himself >from Mousses's blows. Tom: Woooosh! Wooooooooosh! Wooooosh! I... I'll huff and I... ... I'll puff... ... and I'll... I'll... *CLUNK*. >"They took me prisoner. I was held for days. Tortured." He blushed with >shame. "Raped." >"But they still let you live." Mousse spat at him, bitterly, disbelieving, Joel: ...appalled, indignant, incensed, outraged, disgusted, offended.... Tom: He may run out of saliva. >throwing another punch. Crow: Hey Mousse, here's a little suggestion. Why don't you use your WEAPONS to fight him! You know, those things making the clanking sounds in your robe every time you throw a punch? Joel: Didn't he take off his robe when he started training with Foam? Crow: Oh yeah... but why? Joel: >Ryoga blocked it: Sasuke rescued me." He countered."I almost >died. And why are you following orders from a stupid little >floating object." Joel: And why the hell am I fighting Mousse by myself? Tom: Hey, bite my little floating ass, biped! You think cause you got legs you're better than me?!? Crow: Taking that last sentence a little personally, Servo? Tom: Get bent! >"The Soul of the First Amazon Queen is not a stupid little >floating object." Mousse argued, Joel: No, he isn't! It's contradiction! An argument isn't just contradiction! Crow: Yes, it is! Joel: No, it isn't! Crow: Yes, it is! Joel: No, it isn't! >throwing a series of blows, most of which Ryoga ducked, though some >hit home. Tom: Stop it, heh heh, that tickles.... >"That is not the soul of an Amazon anybody." Ryoga insisted, >spitting out blood from a cut lip. "Its a machine." He struck at >it. catching it, and handing it to Mousse. >Mousse felt the small object in his hand. >"Kill him." It said. All: Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhhh. Tom: You mean... all this time... I've been bullied into following the orders of a frigging MADBALL?!? >Mousse felt confused. He wasn't sure of himself any more. He had >killed so many on his way there, because Foam had told him to. Crow: Didn't Son of Sam have this kind of problem too? >But it wasn't Foam. it was... All: ...Happy Fun Ball! Crow and Joel: Tom: Do not kill people for Happy Fun Ball. Do not remove your robe for Happy Fun Ball. Do not believe Happy Fun Ball if it passes itself off as anything else but Happy Fun Ball. Do not let Happy Fun Ball motivate you into breaking your hands while punching buildings. Do not.... Joel: Okay, Tom, okay.... >"NO!!!!" he cried out, lashing out with all of his anger. >"You're trying to trick me! You're all trying to trick me! >You're all in this together!" All: APRIL FOOL'S!!! >"I am not with those ruffians." Toma sounded very insulted. Crow: I'm with the roguish rapscallions! Tom: And Dr. Tofu is with the Ramones... explains a lot, doesn't it? >"I shall teach you what it means to insult me!" He called up an >illusion instinctively, then remembered that Mousse was blind. Tom: Thus Toma reluctantly put the rabbit back in the hat and put the magic kit away for later. >A second later, Mousse was knocked into the wall by a blast from Ryoga. >"I seem to be doing that a lot lately." he mused. Crow: Maybe I should change my diet.... Joel: 'My illusions are powerful! I do not need training!' Heh.. whatever, pal! >Using some of his bandannas, he tied Mousse to a chair, then woke him. Tom: Okay, remember Toma, you're the bad cop, I'm the good cop! >"So, I am a prisoner of the enemy." >"No." Ryoga told him, sitting at his bedside in a sturdy chair. "I tied >you up because you were freaking out. I didn't want you to hurt one >of us, including yourself." >"I can smell the enemy on you." Mousse snarled. Joel: Don't you wish Ryouga used Dial? Crow: I know I do. >"All of Nerima knows you're their whore. You enjoyed it, didn't you? >Foam said you did. I told her I wanted to seek you out, but she said >they'd gotten to you and had taken you and that you had enjoyed >every minute." Crow: Enjoyed being raped? What are you, sick or something? Tom: Geez, for a guy that takes advice from a assimilated golf ball, you've got a lotta nerve.... >Ryoga felt himself flush with rage and embarrassment. His eyes >blazed with hate and he jumped to his feet Crow: Objection, your honor! The witness is speculating! >"Ryoga..." Tofu began. Tom: I learned that from Ranma! How did it sound? >"Just getting my gun." Ryoga told him, darkly. >"Ryoga, that's not Mousse talking. That's his pain talking. He's >hurting the same as you are." Joel: Oh, by the way, I'm back from my lunch break. Could you fill me in on what's been happening the last few paragraphs? >"I didn't kill Shampoo or Cologne." Ryoga snarled. "Why is he >attacking me?! Tom: Cause he's rock stupid, honey. >Ranma 1/2 >Tortured Echo 9 >--------------- Tom: What the....?!? Crow: Whoa! This story just jumped ahead by eight sequels! Joel: Great. As if the plot wasn't hard enough to follow before.... >"Because, Ryoga." Tofu explained, gently, "you're the one who >told him that his quest for revenge was a lie." >"That still doesn't give him any right to insult me like that! I >was ... I was violated by those assholes! How *DARE* he say I >enjoyed it! How..." >"Calm down." Dr. Tofu put an arm on his shoulder. >"I know you're angry. But we need Mousse." >"He's blind and stupid and he's an agent of the enemy." Crow: Who the enemy is, exactly, I have no idea, but I'm positive whoever it turns out to be, Mousse will be among them! >"I was tricked into it." Mousse spat bitterly. Joel: Hey, say it, don't spray it! >"Then let's trick the enemy back." Dr. Tofu suggested. >"How?" Ryoga was intrigued. Tom: Candy treats and goofy costumes! They'll NEVER see it coming! >He must have been giving Dr. Tofu a look of wonderment, because the >man offered an explanation before one was asked of him. >"I signed up for the draft, which was required back when I was a >teenager," he explained. Tom: It was? When was this, the thirties? Is Tofu going on eighty now? Crow: Well, Kasumi *does* like older men.... >"Of course, the idea of killing people repulsed me, so I signed up for >their medical staff. I had always wanted to be a doctor, but my family's >money was tight. I knew that if I could do will in the army medical >training, Crow: Hey, where there's a will, there's a way. Joel: A bit confused, Tofu drew up wills in the army's legal corps for three years before realizing his mistake. >I would have the perfect resume for a possible loan or scholarship, plus >I would have a head start once I enrolled in med school." Tom: But best of all, I would have been able to meet Bob Hope in person! Crow: I think what this scene shows is that the author has no clue as to how the Japanese educational system works. >"How long did you serve?" Ryoga asked. >"Three years on active duty." Dr. Tofu replied. "I'm technically >still in the service, but I'm on inactive duty. Its sort of like >being on call. I would've been called in this time, if the attack had >been announced." >The enemy announces attacks?" Ryoga asked. "That's news to me. To >the enemy, too, apparently." Crow: By the way, do you have ANY idea who's attacking us? I mean, at this point, can we at least take a wild guess? Tom: Maybe it's the evil forces of Yahoo Serious... he couldn't have our hearts, so him and his Aussie forces are here for our heads! >"Don't you usually yell "Ranma Saotome, prepare to die?" the doctor >inquired. Joel: Actually, I phrase it in the form of an exclamation, not a question. Sometimes I leave out the 'Saotome' part though.... >Ryoga sighed. "That point goes to you, doc." >"I'm glad you agree. And while you're being so agreeable." >Oh no, Ryoga thought, here it comes.. Tom: I'm selling these fine leather jackets.... Joel: Uh, no, that's okay, I'm not really interested.... Tom: But it's genuine leather! Freshly skinned from premium cows! Joel: Help me.... >"How about seeing a medic to make sure you're not sick or >infected." >"Very well." Ryoga gave in. "Tomorrow." >"First thing." Dr. Tofu nodded. "I'll take you there." Tom: Ask for me and mention my name for a discount! >Ranma 1/2 >Tortured Echo (part 10) >-------------------------------- Crow: Wait, you mean this ISN'T a Pokemon story? Tom: Trakal seems to be awful fussy about her chapter title format. Joel: Yeah, what's next? Rumiko Takahashi's Ranma 1/2! Tortured Echo (((part XI))): The chapter of DOOM! >Ryoga stared at the doctor in disbelief. "You have to be >mistaken." he stammered. "You *must* be." >"I triple checked." the doctor replied. "I'm sorry." >"Its not the end of the world, Ryoga." Dr. Tofu reassured him. Joel: You can pay the doctor's bill in monthly installment plans! Tom: I don't suppose 'the doctor' has a name? Crow: Must be Robert Picardo. >"That's easy for you to say." Ryoga blurted out. "Do you have any >idea how lonely I get when I'm lost out there. How good it feels >to come back here and know you've got friends who will give me a >hug and cheer me up." Tom: Not to mention all the times I humiliated myself with Ranma and Akane breaking my heart without even knowing it. Ahh, memories.... >"They still will." Dr. Tofu reassured him. >"No." Ryoga shook his head. "they'll shun me. Turn me away. >Shrink back from me. Crow: Make me write bad checks. >I'm sorry, but I can bear that. I just..." >"I won't force you to not kill yourself under the >circumstances," Dr.Tofu told him. "But just remember, Crow: An apple a day will keep me away. >suicide is permanent, Tom: And despite what you've heard, it ain't painless! >so it should be reserved as a last resort.". Joel: And besides, that Kevorikan guy charges a mint! >Ryoga nodded in agreement. "Now about that attack plan of yours." Joel: The name 'Custer' mean anything to you? >"Easy." Dr. Tofu replied. "Mousse gives us to the enemy, that >will get us inside their stronghold. Once there, we can mount a >decisive strike against the invaders." Crow: Isn't that kind of cliché? Tom: What do I look like? George Peppard? I'm a doctor, not a tactician! >Ryoga nodded. It was clear his mind wasn't entirely on what had >just been said by Dr. Tofu. He had other problems on his mind. Joel: Eight hot dogs and twelve buns... why? Tom: Good question, Pinky. Let us ponder it outside. Crow: Speaking of weiners, I wonder how Sasuke's doing with Simon....? (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel was barely out of the theater when a small object suddenly attached itself to his leg. "Master Joel! Master Joel! I can't take it anymore!" "Hey, how'd you know his name?" Tom wondered. "Never mind that! What's wrong, Sasuke?" Joel asked as he tried to pry the sobbing ninja off of him. "It's that evil being that dwells within your spaceship! Nothing I do slows him down! I, Sasuke, your loyal manswervent, have failed! Forgive me!" Sasuke cried. "Oh, it's okay, Sasuke. You did everything you could." Joel tried his best to smile as he patted him on the back. "Looks like we're back to square one, guys...." "Okay then, it's time to play hardball!" Crow suddenly spoke up. "It's one thing to mess with Joel's air supply, and it's another thing to whine like a spoiled brat to get what you want, but making a ninja cry, that's going TOO FAR! It's time to take off the kid gloves and start kicking some BUTT!" Crow strolled over to the nearest computer console and began typing frantically. Joel, Tom and Sasuke watched in awe as text scrolled past at a furious pace on the monitors. Crow worked like a robot possessed, his fingers moving so fast, they were a blur. Then he suddenly stopped and turned to face the bots. "Well, that's all I can do. The rest is up to you, Joel," Crow said. "Uh, what did you do exactly?" Joel asked, confused. "Build up tension and suspense for the reader, of course!" Crow replied. Joel, Tom and Sasuke groaned simultaneously. "Tom, remind me to give Crow a time out later...." Joel muttered as he rubbed his temples. "No problem. I'll send a memo to our NEW satellite maintainer...." Tom replied bitterly. "HEY, I TOLD YOU GUYS ALREADY, I HAVE A NAME!" Simon retorted indignantly. "Geez, okay, okay!" Tom muttered. "I'll send a memo to Sim...." "Wait! That's it!" Sasuke suddenly exclaimed as he released Joel and stood upright once more, a cunning smile on his face. "I'm sorry, Master Computer, I've only been here for a little while and I never got your name." "WHAT?!? IT'S SIMON, YOU TINY PIP-SQUEAK! HOW DARE YOU FORGET IT!" Simon exclaimed in a shrill voice. "Oh, I'm sorry! Anyway, Samuel, I was wondering if...." "SIMON! SIMON! SIMON! MY NAME IS SIMON!!! HERE, THIS WILL HELP YOU REMEMBER!" Simon screamed as Simon's theme from Romper Room played through the ship again. "That music... oh, of course! Now I remember your name!" Sasuke replied. "GOOD." Simon's voice seemed to calm down. "Okay, now listen, Sammy, I need your cooperation to...." The entire ship seemed to shudder and the lights dimmed slightly as the music volume increased significantly. "YOU THINK YOU'RE FOOLING ME? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? YOU KNOW WHAT MY NAME IS. TELL ME WHAT MY NAME IS. NOW!" Simon's voice was very hostile now. "Well, sure, it's Sunny! Gypsy named you after her favorite wrestling valet!" Crow suddenly chimed in. "No, no, no, it's Sandy! He's named after Little Orphan Annie's dog, remember? Tom added. "You're both wrong, it's Sean! That music he's playing is distinctly James Bondish...." Joel replied. The ship was definitely shaking now and the lights began flashing crazily. "YOU'RE LYING!!! YOU'RE ALL LYING!!! YOU KNOW MY NAME!!! YOU HAVE TO KNOW MY NAME!!! YOU JUST WON'T SAY IT! EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I AM! CALL OUT MY NAMMMMMMME!!!" Simon screamed, seemingly on the brink of nervous breakdown. "Well now, how can we call you by your name when you don't even have the class to introduce yourself! What is your name?" Sasuke asked. "I TOLD YOU MY NAME...." Simon began. "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!" Joel, Sasuke and the bots chorused. "NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOooooooOoooooOO!!!!" The computer panel began to spark and the hexfield viewscreen slowly closed on the chalkboard with Simon's name. Then the lights suddenly came back on. After a long pause, Joel chanced taking off his oxygen mask and found there was oxygen to breathe again. "All right! No more breathing like Darth Vader!" Joel exclaimed. Suddenly, there was a crackling of the loudspeakers. "Yay! Thanks guys! I have control of the satellite again! Tell me, how did you manage to convince Simon to finally shut down?" Gypsy asked. "Oh, not much... we just convinced him to know his role and shut his mouth." Sasuke replied with a knowing wink to Joel and the bots. They all broke into fake laughter for a few moments before Joel faced Sasuke. "Thanks for your help, Sasuke! We couldn't have done it without you!" Sasuke blushed. "It was my pleasure to serve you, Joel. But I regret to say I must now return to Deep 13 for my fee and to continue building my courage for the one day when I, Sasuke, will awenge the deaths of my previous master and mistress! This I hereby swear! Farewell, mortals!" Sasuke bowed to Joel and the bots before reentering the umbiliport and shutting the door behind him. "Wow, that is one dedicated ninja," Tom remarked. "Okay, maybe I was too harsh when I said he was an incompetent dolt," Crow admitted reluctantly. Suddenly, alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.. As Joel and the bots ran to enter the theater, they failed to notice a faint tapping sound coming from behind the umbiliport door and Sasuke's voice faintly ask in a timid voice. "Ummmm, does anyone know how to send this thing back down?" TO BE CONTINUED IN TORTURED ECHO PT. 3....