TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SHORTY!) EPISODE 3: PHEROMONES! (A MSTing of an Ad) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of an advertisement created by another company. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... (Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Shorty Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last Sunday BC There was this guy named Joel Not so different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another guy in a red jumpsuit He did a great job cleaning up the place, But his bosses really hate him So they shot him into space!!!! Joel: (OH....MY....GODDESS!!!) Crow and Tom: (IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!) (Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout) We'll send him crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala) (Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.) Now keep in mind Joel can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends; ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT: 'Text only'? Gypsy: 'Oh, my!' Tom Servo: 'Sweet-o!' CROOOOOOOW!!! 'I'm not a hentai!' If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!! * * * "Hey everybody, I'm here to fill those new to this series in on what's happened before. First, I discovered Dr. Larry Erhardt, Dr. Forrester's old assistant, trapped inside a bad film and let him out." "It turns out that Dr. Erhardt accidentally trapped himself inside the movie 'Earth Vs. Spider' during one of his experiments and Dr. Forrester decided to leave him in there and replace him with me!" "YAHHHHHHHHHH... oh sorry, just demonstrating how terrified he was." SD Frank paused for a moment before continuing. "Anyhoo, Dr. E was really cheesed when he found out and vowed revenge!" "After a few seconds of soul searching, Frank decided Dr. E was the lesser of two evils and helped Dr. E get the drop on Dr. F...." "Then they used Dr. E's invention and trapped Dr. F inside of a bad movie. They moved him from film to film over the last few months...." "And this week, he's headlining an old favorite...." "So now Dr. E and Frank run the experiment and together, they'll find the spam to break Joel's spirit and rule the world! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" "How was that? Pretty evil, huh? Well, I'll see you later! Enjoy the show, folks!" WE NOW JOIN OUR MSTING ALREADY IN PROGRESS.... SATELLITE OF LOVE 17:19 HOURS "...invention this week is for all the people that'll be camping out in front of theaters showing 'Star Wars Episode I'! Something that will keep them occupied until the actual film comes out!" Joel exclaimed as he gestured towards an object on the counter, covered with a sheet. "Is it a Star Trek Marathon?" Dr. E guessed. "Nope!" "Babylon 5?" Frank inquired. "Not even close!" "Okay, we give up. What is it?" Joel pulled back the cover to reveal a short little droid, covered with attachments and various features. It emitted a series of cute little beeps and boops. "It's the ultimate entertainment and comfort center for line campers! 'The Transgo Joelbot 3000!' I modeled it after the Transgo Jobot from a Muppet Babies episode and added all sorts of neat features so the line camper never has to leave his tent and lose his place!" "Yes, this little guy does it all and more!" Tom exclaimed. "He'll bring you food and drinks from the nearby supermarket so you don't have to settle for overpriced theater snacks!" "He'll provide heat from his portable heat lamp in his... um... area." Crow continued. "Perfect for those cold wet nights when you're stuck in a leaky tent and no one's willing to share body heat with you because, let's face it, who *wouldn't* be ripe after weeks of camping?" Joel nodded his agreement. "The Transgo Joelbot 3000 comes with all the comforts of loafing... A combination television/VCR built into its stomach, a cup holder for your beverage of choice, a 3 Disc CD Player Build right into its neck, and voice activation for all those things so you don't wear out your fingers pressing buttons and loading tapes/CDs...." "You can store all of your books, comics, and videos, including your bootleg copy of the Star Wars trailer in the spacious 'buttocks' compartment. Hey, this bot's ass can hold *ANYTHING*!" Tom added. "And that's not all!" Joel exclaimed. "Open up the Trango Joelbot 3000's head to reveal...." Joel pushed a button on the Joelbot's head and its two halves opened up to reveal a little vanity mirror, complete with little light bulbs, along with assorted colognes, perfumes, and deodorants. Then Joel walked off-camera while Tom continued. "And finally, if nature should happen to call and you don't want to leave your tent open for raiders, you can command your robot to stand guard until you get back and if anybody else's camping gear invades your tent's personal space...." Crow's voice trailed off as the Joelbot suddenly raised its arms and fired off a charge of electricity ala Emperor Palpatine. The tips of the Joelbot's hands crackled and smoked as its arms lowered again to its sides. "Did we also mention it's useful for starting your car if you've forgotten your jumper cables?" Tom added helpfully. "And if the line cutter is persistent...." Crow continued. Joel suddenly reappeared, wearing a rubber wetsuit and quietly snuck up on the robot. As he came close, the Joelbot's 'area' suddenly shot forward, revealing a hidden compartment for a lightsaber. The lightsaber jumped into the robot's left hand and ignited a purple beam. The Joelbot then waved the sword around and started moving towards Joel, who yelped and beat a hasty retreat. The Joelbot stopped chasing Joel and resumed its original position, still beeping and booping happily. "What do you think, sirs?" Crow inquired. * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Lawrence Erhardt nodded with approval, T.V's Frank standing at his side. "Very clever, Joel! Although I've never seen 'Star Wars' myself! Sci-Fi flicks achieved perfection for me in 1926 with Fritz Lang's 'Metropolis'! Especially when they remixed the soundtrack! Nothing will ever top that masterpiece, eh, Frank?" Dr. Erhardt exclaimed in a high pitched voice. "I thought it had no legs," Frank remarked. Dr. Erhardt gave Frank a hurt look which prompted Frank to shrug in reply. A sheepish look washed over Dr. Erhardt's face as he proceeded with his demonstration. "Well, anyway, I've been out of the invention exchange for a while now, so I'm a little rusty...." Dr. Erhardt gestured to Frank who wheeled in a large metal box with the top uncovered. "So to compensate until I've regained my ingenuity, I've come up with this! 'The Invention Exchange'! This box will take any subpar invention and instantly transform it into something better! For example...." Dr. Erhardt reached into his pocket and produced a single kernel of popcorn. "I bathed this kernel with gamma radiation so when popped, it produces one huge kernel that can be divided up into smaller portions. But let's see if I can't make it just a little bit better...." Frank took the kernel from Dr. Erhardt and dropped it into the box. There were a series of clicks and then the sound of a bell. Dr. E opened a door in the side of the box to reveal a tub of buttered popcorn. He turned the bucket upside down and popcorn began spilling from the tub... and kept spilling... and kept spilling until he and Frank were ankle deep in popcorn. Giggling, Dr. Erhardt turned the popcorn tub upright. "As you can see, the 'Invention Exchange', transformed my mutant kernel into a bottomless tub of buttered popcorn!" Dr. E tasted the popcorn and made a face. "And not just any butter but really fattening Cocoa Butter! The only butter that's often mistaken for Auri! What do you say, Joel-o-rama?" * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel grimaced while Crow looked thoughtful. "Auri? Isn't that the stuff that removes Hydrochloric Acids and Bird Lime?" "Yeah, it makes C.L.R. look like Dove," Tom remarked. "Well guys, it's been fun but it's time to give you guys the experiment now! I tried my best to find something educational and informative. Once you'll read it, I think you'll agree I made the right choice." "That and a bag of chips," Crow muttered under his breath. "Pheromones!" Dr. Erhardt continued. "And, it's immediately followed by a short on removing spam with the help of some spam. Confused? So was I! Uh, actually, I still am... kinda. Well, enjoy!" Dr. Erhardt's image disappeared from the viewscreen. Joel glanced at the robots and shrugged. "He's different, I'll give him that much." The bots nodded their agreement as alarms and sirens suddenly rang out. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT SHORTY SIGN!!!" Joel cried out. (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you....missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >From: 455@mail.webcom.de Tom: Dutch... Well, at least it's not French. Joel: Car 455, where are... you? >To: user@the_internet.com Tom: Oh, that narrows it down.... >Subject: BOOST YOUR SEX APPEAL AND CHANGE YOUR SOCIAL >AND SEX LIFE FOREVER. Crow: ...I guess it works, it gave the keyboard a hard-on. >Date: Tue, 09 Mar 99 18:58:58 EST >Message-ID: <199903100423.FAA18835@mail.webcom.de> Tom: We're gonna spam ya like it's 199903100423.FAA18835! >BOOST YOUR SEX APPEAL AND CHANGE YOUR Joel: ...gender with the push of a button! Crow: Or a splash of water. >SOCIAL AND SEX LIFE FOREVER. Tom: Strawberry Fields Never. >SCIENCE AND NATURE'S SEXUAL SECRET WEAPON! Crow: Viagra? Tom: Alcohol? Joel: Rich creamy nougat? >Scientists have isolated the natural Human male/female Pheromone >attractants and they are NOW available to YOU, legally, in the US. Joel: Of course you need to place one foot into Mexico for it to be legal.... >ATTRACT THE OPPOSITE SEX LIKE NEVER BEFORE ! >IT'S GUARANTEED, or you pay nothing! Crow: Hey what about asexual robots?! Joel: Crow, you're a woman. Crow: Oh yeah, I forgot. >PHEROMONES in the News! Crow: Ramones in Music! Joel: Stallones in Movies! Tom: Yes! We were hailed by 20/20 as "The biggest pile of dung this side of the Pacific Ocean!" >From the NY Times to the LA Times. Crow: These are the days of our scandals. >USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, >Psychology Today, 20/20, Hard Copy, Tom: ...called us a bunch of morons who would believe anything! >Single Living, Medical Tribune, Philadelphia Inquirer, Dateline, >Discovery, Joel: Oh, now they're just randomly naming off companies. Crow: Disney hails pheromones as creative genius behind "Mulan"! Tom: Star Wars Episode 1 Cast to be replaced by pheromones! >Hustler, Playboy, Rocky Mountain News, McCalls, Penthouse, >Cosmopolitan, Joel: Are these rejected categories from Jeopardy or what? Tom: Toho says "Pheromones said to be used on Godzilla!" Joel: Gamera later married Godzilla in a wonderful church wedding. Crow: Ted Turner colorizes his films with Pheromones! Tom: Man, this is almost as bad as 'Radar Secret Service'. >Colordao Telegraph, Tom: Located in trendy Bouledr, Colordao! Crow: Home of TV's Mrok and Mnidy! Joel: And the Rmasay family. >BBC-TV, GQ, Time, Redbook, Fortune Magazine, All: And a partridge in a pear tree! >and more. Tom: ....names of popular magazines we randomly printed here for no particular reason. >Radio and Television Stations worldwide. Joel: All over the world! Tom: ...are or soon will be completely taken over by Time-Warner. >All have reported the scientific findings amidst excitement, >controversy, commotion and thrill about pheromones and their >potential use. Joel: Like making a nice fluffy soufflé, or filling in the cracks of your bathtubs. >The Press Has Said it Better Than We Can. Joel: But The Press Can't Capitalize Every Word Like We Can. Crow: Admitting they milk their stories months after they've lost steam.... Joel: Two letters. O.J. Tom: Kinda like the men who actually take the medication... milking it until they've run out of steam. Joel and Crow: .... >"PUT IT TO THE TEST" MERIDIAN TV: Joel: ...relied very heavily on crib notes. >Sold extensively in the UK, phermomones were tested live on television >in the UK, when the unknowing female presenter was VERY >ATTRACTED to one of the twin guys, Crow: ...in the UK. Tom: I'm serious, man! She was VERY, VERY, *VERY* attracted to one of them! Would we lie to YOU? All: Yes. >he was wearing "Androstenone Pheromone" Crow: ...endorsed by Sylvester Stallone and Joey Ramone, and including Sloane, but Ramone needed a loan and was informed on the phone, while he was alone. Tom: Nick nack paddy whack, give a dog a bone. Joel: This old man came rolling home. >but she did not know this, and did not know why she was attracted to him ! Tom: Cause she's a foreigner and she doesn't know what love is. Joel: I'll bet she was subliminally seduced! Tom: By a really ugly woman. >US NEWS and WORLD REPORTS Joel: ...are really depressing. Crow: ...are easily scammed by phony phone callers. Tom: Have ranted on numerous occasions on what a crock of monkey snot this is! >"The key to starting a love affair might be right under your nose. Tom: Mustaches! The women go CRAZY over them! >Scientists have just announced the discovery of a virtual sixth sense, Crow: It's called 'common' and it's been missing for decades! >a tiny organ in the nasal cavity that responds to chemicals known as >pheromones. Joel: Not to mention Mom's homemade cookies. Tom: And for some reason cocoa puffs, I don't know why but it fits the equation! >These natural substances are thought to play a role in basic >human emotions such as fear, hunger--and love." Crow: But mostly hunger. Tom: Strange, I have a sudden urge to listen to Robert Palmer. >FORTUNE MAGAZINE: Tom: ...predicted that our product would fail! Thank you! Joel: I wonder how they fit an entire magazine inside those little Chinese cookies.... >"An imaginative University of Utah anatomist named David L. Berliner >was working with substances that occur in human skin. Crow: Ironically, David L. Berliner was also the birthname of 'The Joker'. Tom: Ich bin ein Joker! >When he left some of the extracts in open vials around the lab, Joel: He got high! Woo hoo! Crow: One of them fell, causing a big explosion in the lab. Hilarity ensued. >he noticed a sudden, puzzling rise in camaraderie among a previously >acrimonious group of researchers working with him. Tom: So they were all gay? Joel: Let's drink Tab and get buzzed! Crow: Acrimonious... looks like someone is dipping into the Warrior's dictionary again. Tom: Not to mention the cocaine.... >When he changed the extracts a few months later, the group resumed its >contentious ways. Crow: Bite me, science boy! Tom: Suck my test tube, milktoast! Joel: Go lick a live wire, troglodyte! >Berliner froze and saved the extracts. Crow: Mmmmm... Vanilla. >Nearly 30 years later, ... thanks to a method of containing drugs and >cosmetics inside tiny, spongelike polymer spheres, he returned to the >subject. Tom: ...and injected it into the buttocks of rabbits. Joel: Time to die... Avon calling! >In 1989 he ... has isolated the suspected good-fellowship >pheromones Joel: Them pheromones are good fellas. -- behavior-controlling substances similar to those already known >to stimulate sexual activity in animals. Tom: Cow. Meet Cattle Prod. Cattle Prod. This is Cow. Crow: Then he recorded it for stag parties with his drinking buddies! >(One whiff of a pheromone called aphrodisin from a female hamster >and a male is ready to mate.) Crow: The female, on the other hand.... Joel: It's Harvey the Horny Wonder Hamster! >On March 3, 1998 FOX Affiliate, WSVN in Miami did a story on >Pheromones, stating, "If you're looking for love, we've got a potion for >passion." ... Tom: Just mail Xian Pu... Nerima District, Japan... Joel: If you're looking for quality programming, listen to the radio! >"Tonight, a secret weapon to attract the opposite sex. Researchers >developing their own passion potion. Tom: Boy-Type Researchers! Shampoo Kill! Crow: Whatever happened to good old fashioned liquor? Joel: Excuse me? Crow: LIQUOR! Alcohol! What did you think I said? Joel: Uh, nothing.... >Ever been attracted to someone but Tom: ...you knew you were just too butt ugly to even approach her? >weren't really sure why? .... More and more research is pointing to >chemicals these days.... Joel: Apparently the way to a woman's heart is drug use. Tom: Get a little closer... and be my sex slave forever! BWAHAHAHA!!! >undetectable chemicals... pheromones ... a clear odorless liquid" Tom: ...are unethical... immoral ... a sign of desperation.... Crow: Kinda like.... Joel: Hold it right there! Crow: Kayro syrup? Joel: Good boy. Tom: Can you REALLY say they're undetectable if someone found them? >Customers Say: All: FRAUD!!! WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK!!! >"... works as advertised, best product of its' kind" Crow: I used it and for some reason hamsters started to flock to me! Tom: Oh, *THOSE* kind, yeah, we know all about *THOSE* kind.... Joel: What are you talking about? Tom: Damned if I know. >I've always had trouble meeting women-then I tried your product. Now >girls come up to me and introduce themselves all the time! Crow: Hi, I'm Debbie! Did you know that you smell, like, really bad? >I'd like to know if your product is available in a larger quantity so I can >make sure I'm never without it! -Dave J Crow: I want to soak in it! I want to drink it! Dear god, they actually notice me now!! Joel: So, it's basically like a drug then? Tom: Hey, what isn't? >I've been driving a tractor trailer for about 6 years and I'm on the road >all the time. Joel: Wow, talk about fuel economy! Crow: Now I spray some of this on and girls with melon heavy breasts cling to me like flies on dung! >It's been impossible to meet women until I tried pheromones. Now every >truck stop I pull into I meet new women, and many of them ask me >out. Thanks! Crow: And, as everyone knows, only supermodels and playboy centerfolds hang out at truck stops! Tom: Woo hoo! Trailer Park Trash and it's mine! All mine! > -Tom on the Road Again, Crow: Why, Tommy, I never knew you were into truck stop women.... Tom: Great. Since I'm on the road, could someone run me over, back up and run over me again... PLEASE.... Joel: Stay frosty, Tommy. Tom: Joel... can you possibly tell me what that means one day? >WHAT ARE PHEROMONES? Joel: I was kinda wondering that myself. Tom: I'm guessing they're kinda like Hobgoblins, only slimier and with more teeth. >Pheromones are a naturally occurring chemical compound found in all >insects, all animals, and in humans. When pheromones are secreted they >dictate sexual behavior and attract the opposite sex. Be careful. Animal >pheromones do NOT attract humans. Crow: You'll have a few sick puppies following you, though Joel: And they called it... puppy love... Crow: Now that I think about it... Oscar seemed to fall in love with Artemis pretty darn quickly.... Tom: Don't go there. >Have you ever wondered why people who are not particularly attractive >seem to attract dates like flies to honey? Tom: Yes, I want to know more about this strange thing called ''MONEY'. Crow: Joel, did you really get that many dates? Joel: Very funny, Crow. >They seem to have some "chemical attraction" about themselves. Tom: Think this is how self-insertion fics get started? >Some call it animal magnetism. Crow: I prefer the term 'failing to bathe regularly'. >It may be pheromones. Now you can have that "chemical attraction" >whenever you want. Tom: Hoo-ray for chem-i-cals! Joel: This is as bad as the "sodium" answer from "Horror at Party Beach" Crow: Hey! How do you know about that film? Tom: We haven't MSTed it yet! Joel: I rented it a few years before I was shot up into space. Crow and Tom: Oh. >PHEROMONES - THE FACTS Tom: Fact - This is a scam to take your money. Joel: Pheromones... the enzymes, the acids, the legend! >Pheromones are natural chemicals which play an important role in >sexual communication. Crow: Marvel as the writer pulls random stuff out of his ass! Joel: Kids come running for the rich taste of pheromones! Tom: Know your role and shut your Pheromones! >Animals, including humans release chemicals in tears, saliva and >perspiration. These chemicals send signals relating to mood and health >to the subconscious awareness. Crow: So they basically just bottled bodily fluids into a jar and sell it to unknowing morons? Tom: Where do you think Gatorade comes from? Joel: Actually, they DO sweat Gatorade in their commercials.... Crow: Ewww.... >One theory is that the dominant male will exude more of these chemical >attractants than a submissive or weaker male. This chemical attracts >more females to him. Tom: Cause, darn it! Women are just so hopelessly submissive! >It is similar for woman attracting men. This natural attractant can also >contribute to more intense excitement during love making (sexual >foreplay and sexual intercourse). Joel: Oh, is that what lovemaking is? I thought it was two people rubbing their hearts together.... >Pheromones may also contribute to the dating phrase, "chemical >attraction" that we all talk about. Tom: Oh, sure! I use that phrase all the time! Crow: Think this explains why Kodachi has fanboys? Joel: Uh, no. That you'll learn when you're older. >WSVN-TV (March 3, 1998) "Ever been attracted to someone but >weren't really sure why? .... More and more research is pointing to >chemicals these days.... Undetectable chemicals... pheromones ... a >clear odorless liquid" Tom: Ack! Someone rewound the spam! Crow: Didn't we just read that? Crow: Didn't we just read that? Joel: I'm getting Deja Vu. Joel: I'm getting Deja Vu. Tom: I could go for some clear odorless liquid right now... with skull and crossbones on the label.... Joel: Stay tough, Tommygun. >MORE RESEARCH AND REFERENCES: Joel: Enough already! This isn't a library! Crow: Hell, this isn't even a bookmobile! Tom: From the people that brought you the previous crap, more of the same! >Following is some research done on products made by our manufacturer, and >bottled under a different name. It contains the same pheromone type and >content as Hi-Octane Joel: So we're pouring gasoline on ourselves now? Crow: So those monks that set themselves on fire in Vietnam were just trying to get a date? Tom: No wonder they call it matchmaking.... Joel: And, call me stupid, but I don't enjoy the smell of gasoline on a woman.... Crow: Hey, stupid! I do! >http://www.angelfire.com/fl/beaches69/index.html Tom: ANGELFIRE AND BRIMSTONE! Joel: You are the website beneath my wings.... Crow: So we get to see Bette Midler and Barbra Hershey perform oral sex on each other? Joel: Ick Ick Ick.... >ABOUT OUR PRODUCT: Crow: Not only will it land you a mate, It'll make complex machines actually achieve locomotion! Is that cool or what?!? >Hi-Octane (tm) . Tom: Doesn't Dennis Leary sell that stuff? Joel: Yeah, and I'll bet he uses it in his hair too. >is made up of PHEROMONES suspended in witch hazel... Joel: Witch hazel... Witch Hazel... Wasn't she on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood? Crow: I think it was Kukhla. >This product is designed to be added to your favorite cologne or perfume. Tom: Son-in-law! Don't I smell good? >contains both male and female PHEROMONES. Nature never intended >for just one PHEROMONE to be present; but two, male and female. Our >manufacturering process uses both PHEROMONES in ALL our products. Tom: We've secretly replaced the pheromones with Folgers Crystals. Let see if he notices! Joel: You know, at this point I have no idea what they're talking about, and I really don't care.... Crow: One way or another, pheromones are going to get you laid, whether you want it or not! >This will not attract same sex; but works as nature intended, attracting >the opposite sex.. Crow: After all, attracting the same sex is going against nature's grain.... Joel: Hey little lady how are you tonight? Tom: *sniff* You remind me of that little cafe in Paris.... All: Jen piere! >comes in 1/8 oz. Bottle with a small funnel so you can easily pour it >into your cologne or perfume. One 1/8 oz. bottle is enough to mix with >4 to 8 oz of your favorite perfume product. Tom: But what if I've got one of those big ass Chanel No. 5 bottles? Joel: Hopefully they don't give the poor sap the dog pheromones. >Similar pheromone products have been sold for up to $100 elsewhere. Tom: ...lucky bastards. >We sell the the strongest product on the market today for only $39.95. Joel: How do we do do it? VOLUME! Tom: Whereas other products can only lift 10-15 pounds, tops. Crow: Sheesh, you could buy two blow up dolls for 40 bucks! Tom: ...Not that you know this. Crow: Of course. >BUY two -- get one free. Joel: BUY zero -- save your money. >The world's largest manufacturer of Pheromones, MC Marble, now >manufactures Hi-Octane (tm), Joel: I thought the largest manufacturer of pheromones are humans themselves? Crow: Soylent Pheromones are made from PEOPLE!!! Tom: MC Marble, Mumbling Twin of MC Hammer. His greatest hit? 'Can't say this.' Ha! I kill me! Crow: If you don't, I might. >a pheromone prodcut that is the "Most Powerful sexual attractant on >the Market today." Joel: And the least effective? Tom: I'd say so. >HI_OCTANE is made with two powerful synthesized human >pheromones, Alpha-Androstenol and Alpha-Androstenone. Crow: Hey, Alpha my ass, pal! Tom: ...everything else in HI_OCTANE, however, is wimpy, man-made, and overflowing with deadly rayon. >HI-OCTANE will attract the opposite sex of the wearer. McCall's >magazine writes Tom: Chief? Crow: MCCALL! Joel: Anyone here know what 'McCall's magazine' is? Tom: Ronald McDonald saving on long distance? How the hell should I know?!? >"...pheromones can improve one's love life, pheromones send out >subconscious scent signals to the opposite sex that naturally trigger >romantic feelings." Crow: Pheromones are full of monkey crap. Tom: I mean, really, who falls in love nowadays without chemicals? >HI-OCTANE according to the manufacturer, may also intensify sex, >by increasing sexual pleasure and endurance of both partners, and >creating a higher sexual ecstasy. Individual results may vary. Crow: But then the manufacturer has always been a bit of a quack.... Joel: One man's erection is another man's impotence. Crow: That's deep, Joel. >One private study claims that pheromones don't work for everyone. Tom: But after we sealed him in cement and dumped him into the ocean, we haven't had another complaint since! Crow: So if ours don't work for you, blame the bookworm! >75% of those trying it had success. Isn't it worth trying? Joel: For 40 bucks an 8th of an ounce? Gee, that's a toughie.... >HOW TO ORDER Hi OctaneTM Tom: Step one, go to your local gas station. Step two, buy gasoline. Step three, ignore the frightened stares when you empty it over your head. Step four, get dizzy and puke up your socks. Crow: Step five, buy a stick to keep the women away from you. >Hi OctaneTM is available from Euphoria Products. Joel: Euphoria? Sounds like some new age hippie incense store. Crow: Hehehe... wo-ooah... dude, this Hi-OctaneTM is a real gassssssssssssss...! Tom: Their motto: Just do it... over and over again until it hurts as much as reading this little slug of a spamfic.... >A 1/8 oz. bottle with a convenient funnel (to be added to your favorite >perfume) is $39.95. Mix 1/4 of the bottle with every 2 oz of your favorite >product. One 1/8 oz. bottle is enough to mix with 4 to 8 oz of your favorite >product. Crow: But what if pheromones are my favorite product? Yom: Pheromones had something to do with the Matrix too... I just know it! Joel: My favorite product? So I could mix Hi-Octane with Waffles? Crow: No more waffles... please. Tom: Did someone say....WAFFLES??? Crow: NOOOO!!!!! >*** Tom: Those stars don't look yellow to me.... Crow: Guess they're unlucky charms. >For a limited time, when you order two bottles (up to a two month's >supply) of Hi Octane(tm), you'll get a third bottle ABSOLUTELY FREE. Crow: Minus the 50 dollars extra shipping and handling. Tom: So one eighth of an ounce is a month's supply? Joel: An eyedropper might be a good investment. >*** Joel: Lets hope those weren't just warning shots fired. >Please add $3.00 shipping and handling per order. (regardless of how many >bottles you order, you pay only $3.00 total!) Crow: What about the 80 dollars of pure monkey urine though? Tom: Nope, it's still only three dollars. Joel: What if I don't order anything? Tom: Three dollars, Joel. No exceptions. >REPLY WITH 'REMOVE' IN SUBJECT TO BE REMOVED FROM >THIS MAILING LIST >----------------- Crow: Why don't I just shove the computer up your butt sideways? >@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ >THE ULTIMATE BULK EMAIL'MASTER REMOVE LIST' >@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Tom: ...needs to lose some weight! Joel: Roses. Pretty. Crow: Not even two dozen roses would make up for this thing. >Hello, Tom: Hello.... Joel: Hello.... All: Hello! >Almost everybody on the internet gets junk email. Guess what? By >receiving this email you are one of those people. Don't you wish >you could do something about it? Are you tired of replying with >'Remove' in the subject line. Joel: I don't believe this, a spam message about REMOVING spam messages! Crow: Yes! Help us Ultimate Bulk! Help us get rid of the nasty Pheromones! >- If you don't want your kids to get bulk emails about sex Tom: ...keep them away from the computer? Just a suggestion. Joel: Yeah, let the kids in the schoolyard enlighten your kids about sex. >- If you don't want to be bothered everyday by discusting and useless >emails Crow: Cease reading this right now. Joel: If only it were that easy. Tom: Oh the irony.... >- If you are tired of typing Remove everytime Joel: Everytime it rains... it rains... pennies from heaven. Tom: I'm still waiting for the toonies myself. >THEN WE HAVE A SIMPLE SOLUTION!!! We have access to the >BULK EMAIL 'MASTER REMOVE LIST'. We can add you to this >list for a cheap price of $5 (US Currency or Canadian equivalent). Joel: Yes, pay us for a right that YOU ARE ENTITLED TO!!! >WE ARE ABSOLUTELY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS. Tom: I am indeed serious! Crow: You're as fake as Sable's breasts. THIS IS NOT FAKE! All: FAKEY!!! >US/CANADA Postal Joel: ...workers are only *mostly* disgruntled. Tom: They're getting letter... I mean, better! >Lottery Laws, Title 18,Sections 1302 and 1341 or Title 18, Section 3005 >in the US/CANADA Code, also Code of Federal Regs. vol. 16, Sections >255 and 436, which state that Tom: Blah blah blah blah blah blah... Legal crap. >THE REAL TRUTH!! Joel: ...starring Tea Leoni! Crow: You can't handle the spam! >We are not the only ones to have access to this list. Many other companies and >dealers have access just like us, but thier theory is "we can make more money by >sending junk email and selling our product than by doing what you're doing". Joel: Bottom line: We can make money because EVERYBODY wants to get rid of spam! >We have hated junk mail for long and we want to put a stop to it. Tom: We also wanted to make a quick buck. Guess which option we picked? Crow: Then only our junk mail will remain and we will be free to CONQUER THE WEB!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! >----- >Here is how it works in 2 easy steps. >----- Joel: Send us money. We laugh at your stupidity. Tom: First, surround your sentences with dotted lines in a pathetic attempt to be 'arty'.... Crow: All those in favor of skipping three pages worth of boring payment plans? All: Aye! >===== Tom: Ummmm... an earwig with it's head cut off? Joel: Works for me! >!!!IMPORTANT!!! WITH YOUR PAYMENT INCLUDE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS. >IF YOU FORGET TO INCLUDE YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS YOU WILL HAVE TO >SEND THE PAYMENT AGAIN WITH THE EMAIL ADDRESS. WE DO NOT >REFUND YOUR MONEY. Crow: Ha! ha! Tom: Mail your checks to Evil Co. P.O. Box 666, Hell, 00666. Joel: Uh... we didn't get your money, better send it again... whoops, better try again, it never got here... no, seriously, it didn't show up for the fifth time in a row? Can you believe it? Better send it just ONE MORE TIME.... >WE 100% GARANTEE TO ADD YOUR EMAIL TO THE BULK >EMAIL MASTER REMOVE LIST. Tom: Just don't expect us to check it twice. Crow: Garantee? Is that anything like a Pomise? >---------- >Master Remove List 1998. Joel: And to add insult to injury, you'll have to pay an additional 5 dollars to upgrade to the 1999 version! Tom: D'oh! Crow: Well, that was a big old slice of butt-cheese, eh? Joel: You know, I think I liked Dr. F's spam better.... Crow: Well, at least it wasn't Commando Cody.... Tom: I don't feel too good, Joel.... Joel: You okay, Tom? Tom: I dunno... I feel a little woozy all of a sudden.... Crow: It's all the pheromones in this spam. He probably just needs some fresh air! Like me for one! (Crow rushes out of the theater while Joel scoops up Tom and takes him out of the theater.) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Don't worry, Tom! A song's just the thing you need to wash away those post-pheromone blues!" Joel exclaimed as he and Crow tuned their guitars while Tom sat behind a drum set, looking more disoriented by the moment. "Ready guys?" Joel exclaimed. "Not really...." Tom moaned, only to be drowned out by Crow as he exclaimed. "Let's do it, Cleveland! Rock and Roll!!!" (Sung to the tune of 'Mony Mony' by Tommy James & The Shondells or 'Alimony' by Weird Al Yankovic, whichever you prefer....) Joel: Here the spam comes, selling PHAR-A-MO-NIES! Take 'em down, feel around, PHAR-A-MO-NIES! Hey, girls gimmie love an' I feel SU-PREME now! Fat chance, it is JUST a SCAM, I'm STU-PID, man! I said yeah! (Crow's singing is labeled in brackets. Saves space, don't it?) Joel and Crow: (Yeah!) Yeah?!? (Yeah!) Yeah! (Yeah!) Yeah! (Yeah!) Yeah (Yeah!) Well don't I feel dumb?!? (Pharamonies!) No brains! (Pharamonies!) They blow! (They are Phoney!) Lost my dough! (They're Baloney!) I must have been drunk! (Pharamonies!) I suck! (Pharamonies!) Well, shucks! (They are Phoney!) I'll try some-thing else! I said yeah! (Yeah!) Oh yeah! (Yeah!) Yeah! (Yeah?) Yeah! (Uh, yeah....) Yeah! (Joel?) Yeah? (These lyrics bite. Can we stop now?) Hell yeah. (Crow and Joel abruptly stop singing. Then Joel sniffs the air and glances at Tom.) "Tom, are you feeling oka...." Joel asked, concerned. "I'mmmmmmmm... feeeeellllllling... mightyyyyyyyy... loooooooowww...." Tom slurred as steam poured from his dome and began to seep from his armholes and below his hoverskirt. "Oh no! He's going into meltdown! It must have been all those pheromones!" Joel exclaimed in horror. "Either that or the weight of the Ultimate Bulk List crushed his spirit...." Crow remarked. Joel wasn't listening as he tried to get closer to Tom only to be driven back by the steam. "Oh man! We gotta cool him down before he hurts himself!" Suddenly, an idea came to him. "Quick, Crow, go get... THE SUIT!" Crow gasped in horror. "Dear god, Joel! Not 'THE SUIT'?!? "Hurry up! It's our only chance to help Tom!" Joel insisted. Crow rushed off while Joel tried to calm Tom down. "I'm sorry, Tom, I had no idea the spam affected you that badly! Try to think of something relaxing! Do Tai Chi! Wait, no! Your arms don't work! Uh... umm... your underwear! Remember your collection of underwear! Try to focus on that!" "Joel! I'm back and I'm wearing the suit!" Crow cried out. "Oh! Look Tom! Look, it's your old friend! Billy, the wonderful whimsical wisecracking waffle!" Joel frantically gestured to the figure beside him. Tom slowly looked over. "Billllllllllyyyyyy... tat u ollllllld... frrrrrienddddd....?" Crow nodded carefully, trying not to crease the waffle suit that consisted of a mask of two circle eggos with holes cut out for his eyes, a "V" sweater with square waffles on the edges, a construction hat with four square waffles on each side, and one big circular waffle in the middle front of the helmet and two square ones on the side. He carried a bucket in each hand, one filled with butter, the other with syrup. "Hi, Tommy! It's me, Billy! The wonderful, whimsical, wisecracking waffle!" Crow croaked as he forced his voice up several octaves above normal. "My friend Joel told me you were feeling under the weather so I came by to bring you joy and happiness through the magic of waffles!" "Keep it up, Billy! I think it's working!" Joel whispered. Crow proceeded to clumsily tear some waffles from his vest and dip them in the buckets of butter and syrup. Crow wondered to himself as he proceeded to recite the waffle creed. "Waffles! We love em!" "Why? Cause we do!" "Waffles! We eat them!" "Why? Cause we do!" The steam escaping Tom's body began to lessen as Crow and Joel repeated the waffle creed over and over. Then Joel suddenly turns to look at you. "Hey, you! You reading this MSTing! Yeah, YOU! Tom needs your help, too! Please recite the waffle creed with us! I know it sounds dumb but we need all the help we can get! If it can work for the Care Bears, it can work for us too! Just suspend disbelief this onc... er... again and help us bring Tommy Boy home!" "Waffles! We love em!" "Why? Cause we do!" "Waffles! We eat them!" "Why? Cause we do!" Slowly, but surely, Tom's body was returning to normal. Crow waved the buttery waffles over Tom while chanting the creed. Then Joel suddenly picked up the bucket of syrup and began pouring it into Tom's bubblehead. "Now is the time!" Joel exclaimed as the syrup quickly smothered the remaining steam. "We did it! Tom is saved! You can stop chanting now...." "Oh good, and here I was worried Tom would explode and put me out of my misery...." Crow muttered in his normal voice again. "Are you feeling better now, Tom?" Joel inquired to the recovering robot. "Much better." Tom agreed. "Though my blood sugar's a little high right now...." he added with a chuckle. Joel smiled while Crow gingerly removed the waffle suit. "Well, what do you think, sirs?" * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Erhardt stared at the screen. His mouth was wide open in shock. "What... the hell... was that?" Dr. Erhardt whispered. Just then, Frank came up to him with a plate of waffles. "Oh, the waffle thing? Heh, that's nothing. You should see what Joel and Tom have to do when Crow suffers a meltdown...." Dr. Erhardt just nodded wordlessly and handed the experiment to Frank. "F-File this, would you?" "Sure thing, Dr. E. By the way, could you push the button for me? My hands are all sticky from these waffles...." Frank asked as he licked some syrup from his fingers. "Ummm, okay." Dr. Erhardt replied as he pushed the button. "Thank you...." THE REAL END I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (fcasper@yesic.com) Author's Notes: I'm MSTing again! Woo hoo! Oh, about the waffle thing... ummm... ask John Felix about it. Yeah! He'll have the answers! Heh heh heh. Seriously, though, I owe a lot to John Felix for helping me out with the riffs and the sketches for this MSTing. I couldn't have put it together without him and he deserves kudos for giving his time and talent for this project. Be sure to check out his fine works on Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings by typing 'JFelix' in the search engine. I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank Gary Kleppe for his C&C and everyone who voted for me in the 2nd Annual Silver Mallies. I am truly honored to have won and been nominated for the following awards: *BEST HOST SEGMENTS: Megane 6.7 Runner up: Alicia Ashby *BEST LEMON MSTING: "Coming of Munihausen" (MSTed by Alicia Ashby, Flashman and Dinobot) Runner up: California Dreaming (MSTed by Megane 6.7) *BEST NON-ANIME MSTING: "A Sorcerer, An Emerald, A Demon (MSTed by Alicia Ashby, Jamie Jeans, and Justin Golden) Runner up: Oscar Toon (MSTed by Megane 6.7) My MSTings have also been nominated for the following 1998 Golden Hamdingers.... *OSCAR TOON* (w/Gary Kleppe, Jeffrey Wong and Robin Seabaugh) - Nominated for the Golden Hamdinger for "Best Characterization of Standard MST3K Characters" *DOUBLE TROUBLE* (w/Lynxara) - Nominated for the Golden Hamdinger for "Best Non-standard MST3K Misting" And finally, I was honored with my first Golden Hamdinger for 'Best MSTer of the Year' for which I am very grateful. Thank you very much. :) Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0 (My MSTing and Fanfic Pages can be found here.) http://svhp.webjump.com/ (Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/) Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ SEASON ONE ------------------ 101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon) 102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon) 103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman (SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER) 104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic) 105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic) 107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton (La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover) 108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky (SM/WWF Crossover) w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover) 110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic) SEASON TWO ------------------- 201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon) 202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon) 203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM/SPAWN Crossover) 204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic) 205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon) 206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover) 207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers) 208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic) 209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon) 210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon) SEASON THREE ---------------------- 301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon) 302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic) 303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic) 304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) 305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON" by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic) 306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon) 307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic) 308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent (R1/2 Lemon) SHORTY! ------------- 101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY! 102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET! 103- PHEROMONES! 104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!! OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO --------------------------------------------------------- "DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) "MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover) Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ "THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon) "9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon) Lefty's MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm 'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE! (Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle) Website Number 9 MSTings http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml "THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee (Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover) Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page http://www.nav.to/Zoogz The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html 'Suicide Blast' by: Keener http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html Additional links for Keener's stuff -- http://tmffa.com/ -- http://www.redrival.com/myrriden/index.html Flashman's Flash Point http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/ JOLT!!! http://users.uniserve.com/~xwing/ Website Number 9 MSTings http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page! http://carnage.fanfic.org A Sailor Moon Romance http://moonromance.simplenet.com/ Zen's Fanfiction Page http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html Webdragon's Lair http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/ Sean Gaffney's Webpage http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html ">Almost everybody on the internet gets junk email. Guess what? By >receiving this email you are one of those people." Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....