*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SHORTY!) EPISODE 5: THE SECRET FLAW! (A MSTing of an Ad) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 This is a MSTing of an advertisement created by another company. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering my own ass here folks.... Note: If you haven't read the first four shorties, please do so as it will help you understand the host segments a little better. :) (Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....) It's the not-too-distant future, Last Sunday BC There was this guy named Joel Not so different from you or me He worked at Gizmonic Institute Just another guy in a red jumpsuit He did a great job cleaning up the place, But his bosses really hate him So they shot him into space!!!! Joel: (OH... MY... GODDESS!!!) Crow and Tom: (IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!) (Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout) We'll send him crappy fanfics The worst we can find (lalala) He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala) (Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.) Now keep in mind Joel can't control When the fanfics begin or end (lalala) Because he used those special parts To make his robot friends; ROBOT ROLL CALL: CAMBOT: 'Text only'? Gypsy: 'Oh, my!' Tom Servo: 'Sweet-o!' CROOOOOOOW!!! 'I'm not a hentai!' If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes And other science facts (lalala) Then repeat to yourself *It's just a MiST* You should really just relax for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!! * * * PEE WEE'S PLAYHOUSE "Connect the dots... la-la-la-la... c-connect the d-dots... la-la-la... oh, what's the point?!?" TV's Frank sobbed as he abruptly leapt free from Magic Screen, his momentum causing him to land on his butt in front of Dog Chair. But even a few playful licks from Dog Chair's oversized tongue wasn't enough to lighten Frank's mood as he stumbled to his feet and staggered towards the door, pausing for a moment to take a long hard belt from the bottle of Scope in his hand. "Aww, don't leave, Franky! Come over and sit on me for a while! You'll feel better!" Chairy promised in a voice guaranteed to cast a little light on even the darkest of moods. Frank stifled a sniffle as he hopped up on Chairy and felt a gentle warmth spread through him as she wrapped her arms around him in a hug. "Has Dr. Forrester been mean to you again?" "Uh-huh," Frank whimpered. "Do you want to talk about it, Franky?" Chairy inquired gently. "Yes, I would, Chairy." Frank replied before taking another swig of Scope. "WILL you talk about it, Franky?" Chairy asked playfully. "Heh... I don't know, will I?" Frank replied, smiling at the teasing despite himself. "Ah, I dunno, Chairy... sometimes I just don't get Dr. F... one minute he's my best friend and the next it's 'Stick your head in here and scream, Frank!' or 'Bite down really hard on this honeycomb covered with killer bees, Frank!'" Frank sighed to himself. "Actually, it's not the pain that I can't handle... it's the fact that I get no respect for it! I mean, guys like Mick Foley fall off a cage and get immortalized, I get my head cut off and get stuck with the dry cleaning bill! Does that seem unfair to you?" "Poor Franky... it's too bad you weren't born a chair like me! All day long, nothing but warm butts keeping you nice and toasty... Vacuum cleaners at your beck and call... and spilled pocket change to boot!" Chairy exclaimed. Frank found himself giggling. "Well, at least *some* second bananas get a little respect... not to mention the cushion... er... cushy jobs...." "Well, you could look at it this way... we're both second bananas, you and I. You to Dr. Forrester and me to Pee Wee. But when people remember the shows we're on, who would they rather have decorating their homes, us or them?" "You mean... I'm actually decorating Deep 13?" "Well, not literally like me, silly! But your presence gives cheerfulness and warmth to a place that Dr. Forrester by himself would make unbearable," Chairy pointed out. "Is... that true, Chairy?" Frank replied, astonished. "It's your dream, Franky! So it must be true!" Chairy replied cheerfully. Frank suddenly sat up and raised his arms in the air. "Yayyy! I'm a decoration! I'm delightful trimming! I bring good cheer to good taste! Now, where's that foil ball? I'm going to roll it to the moon!" "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Everyone in the playhouse suddenly screamed. "Oh... Did I just say the secret word?" Frank asked with a smile. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" The playhouse screamed again. A puzzled look came over Frank's features. "Gee, that's funny... your screams sound just like me when I...." "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" * * * DEEP 13 "HI YAM DA MOUNTIE! DA, DA DA, DA DA, DA DA!!" Dr. Clayton Forrester sang off-key with fiendish glee as he jabbed the cattle prod into Frank's soft underbelly again, prompting another scream of pain from his snoozing sidekick. "Wakey, wakey, Franky! It's time to die again!" Dr. Forrester chuckled evily as he jabbed the cattle prod into Frank a final time. A moment later, Frank's eyes snapped open. "Oh... I was just having the most wonderful morphine dream... gee, is it morning, already?" Frank inquired sleepily as he rubbed his sore stomach. "It's two in the afternoon, you load! Now, hurry up and prepare Larry for the invention exchange while I summon Volta and his talking batteries!" Dr. F snapped as he left Frank's room and hurried down the hallway towards the console and once there, activated the viewscreen. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Oh, ppppuh-leeze! You expect us to believe that the Smurfs were just good friends who liked to lend each other stuff? It's so obvious what they were doing!" Tom Servo scoffed as he hovered onto the bridge, while an irate Crow T. Robot was hot on his heels. "For the LAST time, Tom, the Smurfs were NOT communists! It's a children's show, for god's sake! Next thing you know, you'll be saying Smurfette was a...." "DON'T even get me started on Smurfette!" Tom shot back as Joel suddenly emerged from the hallway and noticed the red light flashing on the counter. "Oops, his wickedness is calling. Quick, look discouraged!" Joel exclaimed as he walked over to the counter and pressed a button while the bots abruptly subsided their heated argument for now. The image of Dr. Forrester soon filled the viewscreen as he sneered in their direction. "Refresh my memory, Joel... have I ever mentioned to you and your Tin Can Sallys how invigorating it is to have you at my collective mercy each and every week to provide me with entertainment through excruciation?" "Uh... I think I remember you mentioning that to us once or twice before, sir...." Joel replied while shooting an uneasy glance at the bots. "Splendid!" Dr. Forrester clasped his hands together and rubbed them eagerly. "Then, in return for your years of loyal service, I will allow you to do your invention first this week...." Dr. Forrester replied with a grin. "Oh? Does this mean you're not skipping it for a change?" Crow inquired. Dr. Forrester's grin instantly evaporated. "Watch it, robot... or I'll send you a spam so bad, it'll melt your cyberbubble memory right into your loadpan!" "Ooh! I'm so scared! Like I don't know you're going to send it anymmmph!" Crow's sentence was cut off by Joel's hands clasping his beak as he looked over at Tom and whispered. "Could you present the invention for me? I've got to tone Crow down a bit before he goads Dr. F into sending us an twenty-four hour spam marathon!" "Oh, sure thing, Joel." Tom replied as Joel dragged Crow off-screen. "Umm, well, our invention this week is a device for the Star Wars fan that just can't get enough. It's a special DVD that can modify any size action movie into a Star Wars experience. You just insert the DVD into the machine and you can select from dozens of options such as adding lightsaber effects to swords, blaster effects to guns, redub the soundtrack to the scores of John Williams, and you can even modify the voice track to speak in one of the many alien languages used in Star Wars. Which mean you can finally experience Titanic in Wookiee!" "Hey, wait... all Kate Winslet does is grunt anyway!" Joel remarked as he walked back on-screen with a mellower Crow in tow. "Anyway, we decided to call it 'Star Sync: A New Hope'. What'da think, sirs?" Tom remarked. * * * DEEP 13 "Charming... but mere filler before MY invention this week! Oh, Frank! It's showtime for Larry; roll him out here, will you?" Frank wheeled in a television tray stolen from a local high school, with a television sitting on top. Dr. Forrester removed his glasses and began cleaning them as he began his presentation. "As you know, Joel, in case you thought we had completely abandoned the previous storyline in this series... my old assistant, Dr. Larry Erhardt, attempted a coup of Deep 13 with the help of my current, not to mention UNGRATEFUL assistant, Frank." Dr. Forrester shot a glare at Frank who cowered appropriately. "At first, I had intended to leave Frank and Larry inside the television to rot in fanfic and movie limbo, but assistants with Frank's level of pain tolerance are SO hard to find cheap nowadays... so I liberated Frank and settled for ripping his head off again. Ultimately a small punishment, I know, but, well... Deep 13 just wouldn't be the same without Frank...." "A look of pure delight suddenly washed over Frank's face as he exclaimed, "R-Really, Steve? You really feel that way about me?!?" "Frank... The invention?" Dr. Forrester gestured impatiently. "Huh? Oh, right!" Frank pulled a remote control out of his suit and lowered his voice dramatically. "Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls... LET THE CARTOOOOOOON... BEGIN!!!" Before Dr. Forrester could ask what the hell Frank was yammering about, the image of Larry Erhardt appeared on the television screen. He looked somewhat the worse for wear, having endured months of being shifted from movie to fanfic and back again. "Uh, hi, am I on?" Larry asked timidly. Dr. Forrester ignored him as he addressed Joel. "As you can see, Joel, I've decided to keep Larry inside the television on a permanent basis. This will allow me to keep tabs on him for good while discouraging Frank from trying to DEFY me ever again...." Dr. Forrester shot another harsh glare at a whimpering Frank before finally addressing Larry inside the television. "Now, Larry, I've given you the responsibility of preparing an invention this week. If it's worthy, I'll transfer you into an episode of 'The Cindy Margolis Show'.... "Really?!? Wow, cool!" Larry exclaimed with girlish glee. "However... should you disappoint me... I'll have no choice but to put you in a cold, dark, place, where evil runs rampant and death is a blessing...." "Y-you don't m-mean....!" Larry gasped. "Yes... an episode of 'WINGS'!" Dr. Forrester replied with an icy smile. Larry trembled with fear as he reached off-screen and brought a jumbo soup-sized can to show for the camera. "I-I call t-this invention..." Larry paused to take a deep breath before continuing. "I call this invention... MSTie-O's! Criticism in a can! Now you can experience the wonder of MSTing at supper as special chemicals mixed in with the MSTie-O's prompt you to start criticizing everyone and everything at the dinner table!" Larry turned the can 180 degrees to show the various pasta shapes of Joel, Tom, Crow, Gypsy, and Cambot. "This will surely be a hit at Christmas dinner... literally, as you get smacked by practically all your relatives! Before long, you've got food fights, hurt feelings and best of all, heartburn!" Larry beamed with pride as he turned the can so the label faced the camera again. "MSTie-O's! How about it, Clay?" Frank nodded his approval. "Hey, that looks pretty good! Mind if I have some? See, I skipped lunch today and AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Frank collapsed on the floor as Dr. Forrester jabbed him in the side with the cattle prod. "Lunch break's over, Frank..." Dr. Forrester replied menacingly as he turned his attention back to the viewscreen. "And as for you, Goobers, today's experiment is presented courtesy of the 'World Currency Cartel' as they promise the world on a platter and only ask for your hard-earned moolah in return. So suck my spam, do-gooders! Inflict the pain on them, Frank." "Roger wilco," Frank replied as he scrambled over to the file cabinet. "Hey! What about me? Wasn't my invention great?" Larry exclaimed. "You're right, it wasn't. Now, let's see what else is on...." Dr. Forrester muttered as he used the remote to change the channel. "Hey, Frank! They're showing the 25th Anniversary Edition of JAWS! Wanna make some popcorn and watch it with me?" "Sounds great, Steve!" Frank replied happily as he fed the spam into the console. *He likes me! He really likes me!* * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel had just finished giving Tom a ramchip for covering for him during the invention exchange, much to Crow's dismay, when alarms and sirens suddenly rang out. "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT SHORTY SIGN!!!" Joel cried out. (Door 6: It slides open on both sides..) (Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..) (Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.) (Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.) (Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.) Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >THE SECRET FLAW! Crow: What Victoria's DOESN'T want you to know! Tom: I knew those Caramilk guys would slip up eventually. >August 20 , 1999 >Dear Friend: >This is an extremely IMPORTANT announcement for you! Joel: Your lights are on! Crow: Now, pallie, didn'tcha read the disclaimer at the top o' the MSTing? >iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii >iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii All: ...ain't got no-boddddday! >IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT >IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT >''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' ''''''''''' >Your Future May Depend on it!!! Joel: Our future may depend on apostrophes? Tom: The spam came without warning. There had been no declaration of spamming, no mail programs to say the spam was going to happen. It simply happened.... >iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii >iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Tom: ...will always... love youuuuu... Joel: ...spy with my little eye, one long, irrational, line-break! >BUT FIRST, please read the following Editorial Excerpts from some >important publications in the United States: Crow: Like, Swank, Juggs, Cherry... y'know, the *important* publications? Joel: .... Crow: What? I only read them for the soliloquies! >New York Times: "In concluding our review of financial organizations >'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' Joel: And that's the way it was. Tom: And that's all I got to say about that! Crow: Man, I've heard of press quotes, but this is ridiculous! >to effect change in the 90's, special attention should >be called to 'World Currency Cartel' organization based in California Crow: Has ANYTHING with a 'Cartel' tag ever been a good thing? Tom: For that matter, how about 'Based in California'? >The members of this organization are amassing hundreds of millions of >dollars in the currency market using a very LEGAL method which has >NEVER been divulged to the general public. Crow: Oh, we've known about kickbacks for some time now. Tom: Suing the crap out of others! Joel: Notice they didn't say anything about WHAT kind of dollars.... Crow: I got this money playing Life! It must be real, because it has Art Linkletter on it! >While their purpose is not yet known, their presence has most certainly >been felt". Crow: Zing! Right in the old pocketbook! Joel: Umm... they have no specific purpose in the currency market? Why are they even bothering, then? Tom: Yes, when playing with hundreds of millions of dollars, it's best to have NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER! >NBC Nightly News: "Members of the World Currency Cartel organization, >''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' Crow: ...are up on the FBI's Ten Most Wanted list for Internet mail fraud charges.... Tom: Notice how they don't give us a specific reference by date, so we could go look it up? Joel : "Thish wazh NBC Nightly Newsh, shtay tuned for Dateline NBC at ten o'clock".... >who always keep Low Profile of themselves, are some >of the most powerful and wealthiest people in this hemisphere". Joel: The powerful and wealthy are keeping low profiles? What world are we orbiting again? Tom: What about the wussy wealthy? Are they just snubbed then? Crow: No, they're well represented in the local "Starbucks". >More Excerpts later, but first let us give you this "Important >Announcement": Crow: Bite me! Joel: If you smoke or know someone who does... bum a cigarette off them. Hey, why not? Saves you money, right? >``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` >```````````````````````````````````` Tom: This has been a paid announcement for the 'Right To Apostrophe'. And now back to our spam. Crow: The visual equivalent of a test of the Emergency Broadcast System.... Joel: Well, I've only got one thing to say to that. `````````````!! Tom: This has been Joel Robinson with his rebuttal. Crow: For a transcript of Joel's rebuttal, send $5 to Satellite of Love, care of Crow T. Robot.... >We are glad to announce that for the very first time, the World Currency >Cartel organization will instruct a LIMITED number of people worldwide >on HOW TO CONVERT $25 INTO ONE HUNDRED OF LEGAL >CURRENCY. Joel: Convert it into yen? Why, that's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that before!? Tom: So, this mysterious world cartel of rich and powerful people are taking time out of their lavish lifestyles to amuse themselves by instructing us poor folk how to turn twenty-five bucks into a hundred? Joel: I guess QVC was preempted or something. >We will transact the first conversion for you, after that you can quickly and >easily do this on your own hundreds or even thousands of times each and >every month. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS "SECRET FLAW" ! Tom: Yes, the secret flaw that is... GULLIBILITY! Crow: Yes! Give us twenty-five bucks, thousands of times each month, and we will send you HUNDREDS of pennies! Hey, when we take advantage, we REALLY TAKE ADVANTAGE! >================================== Tom: What?!? Equals WHAT?!? Crow: All scene changes are typed equal? Joel: Let's see, what key HAVEN'T I held down for three seconds yet? >It is even more explosive than we have yet disclosed. Crow: Ahhh! It's a MAIL BOMB! Quick, delete it! DELETE IT!!! >While currency does fluctuates daily, Joel: Oh, does its nows? >we can show you HOW TO CONVERT $99 INTO $580 as many times >as you want. Tom: First, get $481 dollars and then... ADD IT TO THE $99! And it really, really works! >That means, you will be able to CONVERT $99 Tom: Convert $99? So money has its own religion now? Joel: Ya-es, youah money can be SAVED! It can be redeemed in the end, and we are youah path to SALVATION! Bots: Amen, brother! >American Legal Currency Dollars for $580 OF THE SAME. Crow: ... in MONOPOLY money! And it's all LEGAL! See? It has "Legal" printed right on the front of each bill between "Not" and "Tender"! Heck, you can even buy Park Place with it! >You can do this as many times as you wish, every day, every week, >every month. All very LEGALLY and effortlessly! Tom: Did we mention this was a totally LEGAL offer? Cause, we are, like, TOTALLY on the level here! HONEST! Cross our hearts and hope to die, stick a needle in our eye! Joel: We'll be more than happy to convert your useless dollars to Danish kroners! You'll never know how you lived without them! >%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Tom: So these guys just randomly push any key with the shift? Crow: It's a subliminal message! They're asking for your dollars, and they're offering per CENTs! Joel: >Due to the nature of this rare opportunity, we keep everything under >very Low Profile. Tom: ...by sending out tons of spam to every legitimate e-mail address on the planet. >We do not advertise anywhere and the information is not available >anywhere at all but from us. Tom: Well, what do they call THIS then?!? Joel: We tried to advertise on telephone poles but the Garage Sale People shook us down! >The reason we are sharing this with you is because we need few people >to help us and share the wealth around the world. You are one of the very >few people to receive this mail. Therefore, it is very important to emphasize >on keeping it very 'Low Profile' when you become a member. Crow: But, should you or any of your agents be caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Tom: And should the FBI knock on your door, please play dumb. Joel: And trust us, when we start bilking poor Bolivians out of their hard-earned cash, you'll WANT to keep a 'Low Profile'! >%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Crow: It was so beautiful the first time, I couldn't resist typing it again! Tom: Looks a little like a DNA strand.... Joel: Bet the author of this spam only has one helix.... >It only takes about 5 to 10 minutes each time you do this. You can do >this from your home, your office or even while travelling. Crow: Umm... what is sex, Alex? Tom: Crow, if you have to ask.... Crow: Shut up, fem-bot! >All you need is an access to a phone line and an address. Best of all, you >can do this from ANY CITY ON THIS EARTH!!! Joel: We do NOT guarantee results on the Moon though. Crow: Aww, damn! Tom: Just THIS Earth? Guess the Sliders are out of luck then.... >Again, we must reiterate, anyone can do this and the source is Never-Ending. All: The Never-Ending sourrrrrrrrrce... nah nah nah, nah nah nah, nah nah nah.... >For as long as the global financial community continues to use different curr- >encies with varying exchange rate, this "SECRET FLAW" will exist. >'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' Joel: Again, the much-rumored secret flaw is referred to, but never explained... Crow: Maybe the '''''''''''s are the secret flaw? Tom: More like the stupid flaw. >As we have said earlier, we will do the first transaction for you and will >also show you exactly how to do this on your own over and over again. Crow: And you WILL do it over and over again. Tom: Soon, you will need no help at all to throw your money away! >The amount of exchange you would do each time is entirely up to you. >Working just 2 to 10 hours a week, you can soon join the list of Millionaires >who do this on a daily basis several times a day. Tom: Suppressing strikes on the banana plantation? Joel: But what if I'm willing to work 20 hours a week? Crow: Then you're just not being LAZY enough! >The transaction is so simple that even a high school kid can do it! Tom: And you know how ROCK STUPID those kids can be! Crow: Yeah, gives them something to do in between scoring drugs and getting pregnant, eh, Spammy? >We at the World Currency Cartel organization would like to see a uniform >global currency backed by Gold. Joel: So, after spending all this time bragging about the 'secret flaw', they want to get rid of it just like that? Crow: Something tells me this World Currency Cartel have bigger things in mind than slightly boosting YOUR income.... >But, until then, we will allow a LIMITED number of individuals worldwide >to share in the Unlimited Profits provided for by the world currency differentials. Tom: Oh, MAY we? Crow: First they're instructing us and now they're ALLOWING us. Rrrrright. Joel: Big Brother is Spamming, kids! >We will espouse no more political views nor will we ask you to do so. Joel: All we ask if that you vote early and often. Tom: But if you HAPPEN to get voting cards and HAPPEN to get hired goons on your doorstep, think of them as our gift to you! >We can say however, that our parent organization Wealth Exchange Int. >benefits greatly by the knowledge being shared as we ourselves alongwith >YOU benefit likewise. Crow: Man, you can practically TASTE the evil in those sentences. Tom: Dripping from every participle. >Your main concern surely will be, how you will benefit. Tom: No, my main concern is YOU trying to think for ME, dickweed! Crow: Maybe they're trying to brainwash us? Joel: This sounds like a Mutual of Omaha commercial! >As soon as you become a member, you can start making transanctions >from your home, office, by telephone or through the mail and even while >travelling. As said earlier, we will do the first transanction for you >and will show you exactly how to do this on your own over and over again. Crow: My god! They ARE trying to brainwash us! Tom: Over and over, until your bank account says zero! Joel: You know, it's really starting to circle the drain at this point.... >No one can stop you from earning hundreds of thousands and even millions >of dollars each year for as long as this "SECRET FLAW" exists. >'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' Joel: The Secret Flaw! Ask for it by mistake! >Don't believe us, experience it for yourself! >================================ Tom: Wait a minute... you mean those stupid scene changes are actually underlines? Crow: Maybe their minus key was busted? Joel: Heck, if I was in charge of a speculative get-rich-quick pyramid scheme, I'd want my minus key busted too.... Tom: In an effort to escape reality? Joel: Natch. >Unlike anyone else, we will assure you a great financial freedom and >you will add to our quickly growing base of supporters and you may join >the list of Millionaires being created using the "SECRET FLAW" in the >world currency market. >============== Tom: Or you can simply audition for 'Survivor', 'Big Brother' and 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and pray you capture the viewers' hearts. Joel: Maybe you have to break the code of the scene changes to find the secret flaw? Crow: Of course! Joel, you magnificent GENIUS! You've figured it out! >DON'T ENVY US, JOIN US TODAY!!! >iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Crow: ...don't think so. Tom: Homey don't play dat. Joel: It's the attack of the the i Creatures! >There is a one time membership fee of only $195.00. Joel: And the trap is finally sprung. Crow: Which, according to this site, can be converted into $780.00 Tom: But we'll instruct you how to pay that membership fee over and over regardless! >BUT, if you reply by SEPTEMBER 15 , 1999; which is our company's 2nd >Anniversary date, Crow: It's our anniversary! Give us the gift of YOUR money! >you can join us for only $29 administrative cost. Tom: Administrative cost? What's that? Joel: They administer 20 ccs of gullibility and perform a currencydectomy on your walletus pocketus. >Your important documents, instructions, contact name & addresses, >phone numbers and all other pertinent information will be mailed to you >immediately. Tom: Hey! How'd YOU get all that stuff on me?!? Crow: My god! They must have used 'The Internet Spy and You!!' >So, take advantage of our Anniversary date and join us today. Tom: You will join us or die. Joel: Join US! >If you are replying AFTER SEPTEMBER 15 , 1999; you must pay $195.00 >for the membership fee. NO EXCEPTIONS and no more e-mail inquiries >please. Joel: Aww, but the daemon lost my e-mail again! Give me a break this once, please! Come on, I wanna join for twenty nine buuuuuuucks.... >Upon becoming a member, you promise to keep all infos CONFIDENTIAL. Tom: You shall promise not to reveal that it was Colonel Mustard in the Conservatory with the Candlestick upon PAIN OF DEATH! Crow: You shall also promise not to unveil that Rosebud WAS in fact his sled under penalty of TOHTCHA! > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Should you choose to cancell your membership for any reason, you must >return all documents for a refund within 60 days. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Tom: Now they're using little worms! Isn't that CUUUTE! Joel: Actually, it was two really long worms before someone went nuts with a Ginsu. Tom: Ick.... >IMPORTANT: >***************** Crow: Ah, good to see the censors finally stepped in. >1.....Write your name & mailing address VERY CLEARLY on paper Tom: ...so we can forge it with minimal difficulty. Joel: Remember to use good cursive handwriting, class... your parents will see these at conferences next week! >2..... Below your address, please write your E-mail address (Optional) Crow: It's optional but please do it anyway. Tom: As if they haven't spammed the crap out of it YET.... >3..... At the top Left Hand corner, write the word "New Member" Joel: And when we get it, we'll delete the word "Member" and replace it with "Sucker". Tom: At the bottom left hand corner, draw a picture of an ampersand. Repeat many times, so we can scan it in for our next scene change. Thank you. >4..... Attach a CHECK or M.O. for $29 plus $ 5 for postage & shipping >(TOTAL = US$ 34.00 ) Tom: Unless of course, you stupidly replied AFTER September 15, 1999 in which case you know how much you owe us, chump. Crow: And don't you skimp out by using rupees! That's our trick, dammit! Joel: Five dollars for shipping? Little itty-bitty documents? >5..... Please make the Check/M.O. payable to "Wealth Exchange Int." >and mail it to : Crow: ...the Jack Kevorkian Retirement Fund, heh heh heh.... Tom: ...a place we're not going to mention because if we can't make money off this MSTing, why should they? Joel: Well said. >Here are some more Editorial Excerpts: Tom: And when I actually had the time to go there, I was very unimpressed.... Joel: Oops, heh, w-wrong editorial! Let's try that again, shall we? >Wall Street : "A discreet group of Americans, operating under the guise >of World Currency Cartel Crow: ...is still at large, despite massive manhunts throughout the backwoods of California... Tom: Police are warning locals to stay outdoors and not interact with their internet for the next few days.... Joel: If YOU have any information, please call Robert Stack immediately. >have recently begun making rumbles in the world finance market. Joel: The financial markets are hungry! Crow: Either that or they can't stomach this post.... >While at this time, their game is not completely known, they certainly be >watched by those making major moves in the currency contracts". Tom: Queen Stock to Bishop Investment Two! Crow: 'They certainly be watched?' Boy, you'd think a publication like the 'Wall Street Journal' would be more careful with their grammar.... Joel: I would be rather leery of putting my money with them... so far, they've skimped on telling their "secret flaw" at least four times now, they didn't have a purpose before, and now no one can figure out what they're supposed to be doing? Crow: Where's Michael Moore when you REALLY need him? >Financial Week : Crow: More like 'Financial WEAK'.... Tom: Heh. >"Watch them, monitor them, extract their knowledge and try to become >one of them. That is the soundest financial advice we could give to someone". Joel: Yeah, if they're a Borg. Tom: WE ARE THE WORLD CURRENCY CARTEL. WE WILL ADD YOUR ECONOMICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN AND ALLOW YOU TO SHARE IN THE UNLIMITED PROFITS PROVIDED BY US. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. Crow: That would be the most inefficient collective ever known. >National Business Weekly : " While this reporter has been left in the >cold as to its method of operation, we have been able to confirm that >World Currency Cartel and its members are literally amassing a great >fortune overnight". Crow: Boy, these guys gain more credibility with every sentence, don't they? Joel: Fortune as measured by someone from Mauritania, right? Tom: Oops, typo! That should read "World Currency Cartel, while *milking* its members..." >$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ E N D$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Tom: Whew! Saved by the almighty dollar! Crow: And those would be the last dollars you ever saw if you responded! Joel: This concludes tonight's episode of 'Lifestyles of the Rich and Evil'.... >REMOVE: Your e-mail address is automatically REMOVED from our >database when this Announcement was mailed to you. Thank you for your >understanding! Crow: Too bad it can't REMOVE us from this satellite. Joel: Guess we'll have to settle for REMOVING ourselves from the theater then. Tom: Boy, you know, this spam inspired me... hey, shake a leg and carry me out of here! I've got a great idea! Joel: What are you going on about? Tom: You'll see! (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Yes, that's right! I'll trade you five hundred thousand Shangri-La Wours for two million dollars!" Tom spoke into a portable phone, conveniently stuck to his bubbledome with Velcro. "Okay, okay, I'll throw in an extra thousand Canadian pennies but that's my final offer!" "Tom, what the heck is going on here! You're making a mess!" Joel exclaimed. He attempted to wade through a waist-deep pile of paper-tape that grew larger and larger from a calculator's machinations. "What was that? Couldn't hear ya!" Tom yelled over the loud clicking and clacking noises from the calculator as he abruptly turned his attention back to the phone. "Huh? Oh sure, I've got doubloons, tons of them! How about... err... seventy eight doubloons for seventy eight big ones? What? Oh, come on! Show me another place that'll give you a good a deal as that!" "Tom, this wouldn't have anything to do with today's spam, would it?" Joel asked. "Shhhh! Joel, please! I've almost sold him!" Tom whispered to Joel before using the phone once again. "Tell you what I'm going to do, since you're a friend of mine... I'm going to give you the Shangri-La Wours, the Canadian pennies, all seventy eight doubloons AND... a pickle jar... filled to the brim with... wait for it... PIECES OF EIGHT! All for the low low price of 19,095,000!" There was a long silence as Tom waited for a reply. A feeling of dread washed over him as he found himself stammering nervously into the phone. "O-okay, you're hesitant to make that big an investment, I understand completely, but h-h-how about this? We'll make it nice and simple... really...." Tom's voice began to crack as his desperation reached its peak. "Y-You give me your greenbacks and I'll convert it into bread! No! Wait a minute! That's not right! Oh, I know! I'll convert it into lettuce! NO! That's not right either! Aw, come on, Servo, think! Uhh... uhh... samoleons! Yeah, I'll convert it into nice crisp samoleons... WHAT AM I SAYING?!? Wait! Don't hang up! We can work something out! How about some magic beans? Waaaaaaaait!!!*CLICK* Joel smiled and sat up on the edge of the counter, picking up Tom and placing him on his knee. He placed his hands on Tom's shoulders as touching feel-good music abruptly began playing out of nowhere. "Gee, I'm sorry your telephone scam didn't work, Tommy. But I hope this experience has taught you a valuable lesson...." "Yeah? Like what?" Tom sniffed. "Spam does not pay! Sure, spam may seem like a cheap, easy way for lazy people to scam hard working people out of their money, but ultimately the one getting scammed is you. Because spamming makes you a bad person and bad people always get what's coming to them...." "Umm, but I didn't get what was coming to me. My scam failed!" Tom pointed out. "Ha ha ha ha ha ha!" Joel laughed a little too hard before lifting Tom from his knee and standing up to look at him with affection. "Tommy, you're the greatest!" Joel exclaimed as the music abruptly switched to the theme from the Honeymooners while Tom's screams of protest were muffled by Joel kissing him. "Awwww, isn't that cuuuute!" Crow cooed as he strolled onto the bridge just in time to witness this tender moment. "Mmmmph! Cromplh! The lumph! The lumph!" Tom exclaimed. "The lump? What, you want oatmeal for lunch? "The lumph!" Tom frantically gestured at the flashing red light on the counter. "Ohhhh! Gotcha covered!" Crow replied as he walked over to the light and gave it a tap. * * * DEEP 13 The familiar JAWS theme echoed through the laboratory as Frank sat on the couch in front of the TV while Dr. Forrester was making a few notes on his clipboard before addressing the Satellite. "Ah, yes... way to slam those touchy feely family sitcoms, Joel Bullard. Until next time, raisin-bread! Push the button, Frank...." "Can't it wait till commercial?" Frank called back. "I don't know, Frank... can it?" Dr. Forrester replied, a twinkle in his eye. "Huh? Oh, you!" Frank replied as he playfully tossed a cushion at Dr. Forrester who laughed despite himself and pushed the button before engaging Frank in a good natured cushion fight. ...AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (megane67@home.com) Author's Notes: Hello everyone and Merry Christmas! This project took a little longer than I expected, thanks to a bout with the flu and a few mental blocks but thanks in no small part to my good friend Zoogz, I was able to finish this in time for Christmas. His suggestions and encouragement is always appreciated. :) I hope you enjoyed reading this and I'd be grateful if you'd take the opportunity to visit 'A MSTing For All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst It contains revised versions of all of my previous MSTings, fanfics, and MSTing collaborations, as well as, 'The FFIRC MST Archive' and 'Zoogz's Annex'. I've been MSTing for over three years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me throughout these last three years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some in-depth C&C for this MSTing. He is a very funny and talented author and you can find his works at his new webpage http://www.nabiki.com/mst including his Utena MSTing 'Ma Vie et Roses' and his MSTing of a Ranma 1/2 SI Crossover 'Blood of Heroes'. He is currently working on a new Ranma 1/2-Sailor Moon crossover MSTing called 'Wild Silver' and an original fanfic called 'Point Source', both of them coming soon to a fanfiction archive near you! Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his latest works 'The Ghost Prison' and 'For a Dying Friend', you can reach him at kleppe@mediaone.net or his new webpage at http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html and I'm sure he'll be happy to send the story along to you. 'A MSTing for All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0 http://svhp.webjump.com/ (Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/) SEASON ONE ------------------ 101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon) 102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon) 103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman (SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER) 104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic) 105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic) 107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton (La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover) 108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic) 109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky (SM/WWF Crossover) w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover) 110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic) SEASON TWO ------------------- 201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon) 202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon) 203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM/SPAWN Crossover) 204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic) 205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon) 206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover) 207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers) 208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic) 209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon) 210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon) SEASON THREE ---------------------- 301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon) 302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic) 303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic) 304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic) 305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON" by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic) 306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon) 307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic) 308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent (R1/2 Lemon) 309- "I WANT TO MEET A PRINCE LIKE DEAR OLD DAD, MOM, SIS, BRO & FRISKY!" by Katherine (Utena Lemon) SHORTY! ------------- 101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY! 102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET! 103- PHEROMONES! 104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!! 105- THE SECRET FLAW! OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO --------------------------------------------------------- "DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic) "MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover) Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/ "THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon) "9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon) Lefty's MSTings http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm 'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE! (Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle) Website Number 9 MSTings http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml "THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee (Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover) Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page http://www.nav.to/Zoogz The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot"Wong http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html 'SuicideBlast' by: Keener http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html Additional links for Keener's stuff -- http://tmffa.com/ -- http://www.redrival.com/myrriden/index.html Flashman's Flash Point http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/ JOLT!!! http://members.home.net/jolt.caffiene/welcome.htm Website Number 9 MSTings http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page! http://carnage.fanfic.org A Sailor Moon Romance http://moonromance.simplenet.com/ Zen's Fanfiction Page http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html Webdragon's Lair http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/ Sean Gaffney's Webpage http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html >"Watch them, monitor them, extract their knowledge and try to become >one of them. That is the soundest financial advice we could give to someone". Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2000 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....