*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be...) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE) EPISODE 43: WILD SENSHI PT. 1 (A Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering our collective asses here folks... "Wild Senshi" is the property of Greg Daniels. He has given us permission to MST his work and we greatly appreciate it. :) Warning: This fanfic contains mature content and scenes of lemon. If you are offended by such material or are too young to legally view it, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy! * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel Robinson was relaxing on his bed in his room, reading a copy of 'Ghost Town' by Robert Coover, when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" he called out only to get no reply. "Come!" he tried again to no avail. Sighing, Joel snapped the book shut on his index finger to save the page as he got off the bed, walked over to the door, opened it... ...and found himself face to face with Joel Robinson. "What the...!?" was all Joel managed to get out before he was rudely shoved backwards onto his butt, his book falling from his hand. He stared up in shock at his doppelganger, dressed in a black jumpsuit and sporting a big wide grin. A pair of black leather gloves roughly grabbed Joel by the collar and slowly hoisted him to his feet. "As you can see, no smoke, no mirrors." The double sneered before shoving Joel against the nearest wall. "W-Who are you?" Joel stammered. "Just call me Evil. Soon everyone will." Evil Joel smiled and cocked a fist. With the advance warning, Joel dodged right as the errant fist smashed the bulkhead. Evil Joel howled in pain. The brief pause was enough for Joel to duck around his fist and he escaped to the bridge. "Guys! Hey, guys! You're not gonna believe this but I just met my... self?" "Old news, Joel," Crow T. Robot replied as he stood behind the counter with another robot that mirrored his design, save for his black color. "T-Timmy?!?" Joel gasped. "Nope, already made that mistake," Crow replied before gesturing at his copy. "Joel, this is Crow B. Robot. Apparently he's from an alternate universe. Crow B., this is, uh, Good and Considerably Less Psychotic Joel Robinson." "Embalmed," Crow B. muttered. "Alternate universe? But he doesn't even..." Joel began. "Have a beard? Yeah, I've tried gluing one on for show but the darn thing fell off more times than Servo's head," Crow B. interrupted. "Speaking of Servo, here he... er... *they* come now..." Crow said as Tom Servo and an identical Servo painted blue flew over the counter, rapidly flying around each other in circles. "Found any openings yet, Tom?" Crow B. yelled out. "Not yet, gotta keep circling. I think I'm wearing him down though!" both Tom Servos replied simultaneously. Joel shook his head. "This is too weird... where did you come from anyway?" "Well, Joel... that is... our Joel, tried to show us some cheap parlor trick called 'Ion Storm in China' and... ehh, I'll let him explain it to you," Crow B. replied as Joel whirled around just in time to prevent the business end of a mop from being shoved in his face. Joel's Gizmonic janitorial experience allowed him to identify many of the compounds currently assaulting his senses. With the way Evil Joel handled the mop though, Joel silently prayed the emergency eye wash was fine and hadn't been used as a robot bidet anytime in the recent past. "Ha! Not so tough without your walls, huh? Now I'm gonna mop the face with your... floor. Then I'm gonna spit on you!" Evil Joel growled as he and Joel struggled. "Not so different from you or me, huh?" Crow quipped. "Five hundred quatloos on the newcomer!" Magic Voice abruptly chimed in. "Little... help here... please!!" Joel gasped as Evil Joel forced him back a step. Crow turned to Crow B. "You mind if I help my dad beat up your dad?" "Nah, I got no love for him, platonic or otherwise. Go for the soft underbelly... or just distract him with some trinket," Crow B. blandly offered. "Trinket, huh?" Crow rummaged behind the counter for a few moments before pulling out a empty Coke bottle. "Sayyy... look at the pretty Coke bottle! Would ya like to drop this on an unsuspecting bushman? Huh? Would ya?" "JUST... hit him with it already!" Joel grunted like William Shatner as the toxic fumes from the mop threatened to overwhelm him. "Yeah! Give him a Coke and a smile for me!" Crow B. cheered as Crow shrugged and tossed the bottle up in the air to clock Evil Joel on the head. Seeing his opponent dazed, Joel took the opportunity to stick the mop under his evil twin's knee and trip him up. One bonk to the head, and an unconscious Evil Joel lay on the floor in a heap. "Attaboy, Joel! Way to kick your ass!" Crow exclaimed. "Uh, thanks," Joel replied as he gave an annoyed glance up at the two Servos still circling. "Can you guys give it a rest, already?" "At least butt heads or something!" Crow B. suggested. The Servos abruptly stopped circling at the suggestion and slowly backed away from each other before activating full afterburners. "Tom, NO!" Joel cried out before shielding his eyes from the explosion. When he risked opening them again, both Servos were on the ground with cracked bubbleheads, moaning in pain. "Well, Servos, it's official. You're idiots," Crow muttered to the fallen bots before turning his attention back to his double. "Well, it's down to you, my fellow Crow. Shall we declare a thumb war? Kill each other with a ball? Breathe fire and attempt to flip each other over in a trap filled arena to give cheap amusement to RC nerds the world over?" Crow B. shook his head. "Nah, I prefer belittling to beating. So I guess we're your prisoners now. I expect delivery of decades-old field rations in my cell promptly and I'll tell you right now that Joel is the weak link and the most likely to talk through extensive torture..." Joel winced. "Hey, no, we're not going to imprison or torture anybody. Can't we just send you back to your own universe? Maybe I can try duplicating the invention that..." "I lost it all... every quatloo! Now I'll have to hock the jewel encrusted voice spray Cambot bought for our anniversary!" Magic Voice interrupted, sobbing. "Who the HELL is that anyway?" Crow B. asked, irritated. "Oh, that's just Magic Voice... you don't have one in your universe?" Crow inquired. "Magic... Voice? You're kidding me, right?" Crow B. snickered. "Maybe THIS will convince you!" Magic Voice snapped as Crow B. Robot, the blue Servo and the unconscious body of Evil Joel suddenly disappeared from the Satellite, complete with accompanying Star Trek sound effect. "H-How did you do that!?" an astonished Joel exclaimed. "What? You thought my MAGIC was limited to mere human speech and commercial sign? I'm more than just another pretty plot contrivance!" Magic Voice snapped before resuming her brooding over her lost gift. Joel could only blink in surprise before someone tapped on his arm. "Sorry to interrupt, Joel, but Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie are calling..." Crow said as he pointed at the flashing red light. * * * DEEP 13 "Bah! Those fools DARE consider themselves evil? I'm the one that gives evil a bad name! I mean... you know what I mean!" Dr. Forrester growled. "Still... I must say it WAS interesting to see the eventual outcome of my experiments on your psyche." "What do you mean?" Joel interrupted. "Think about it, Joel. Obviously the Joel Robinson from THAT universe was mentally unbalanced, which means the Dr. Forrester from THAT universe must have succeeded in breaking his will! It stands to reason then that MY experiments will also yield success eventually. So, in a sense, you just had a brush with your own future." Dr. Forrester replied with a cold smile. Joel paled considerably while Tom retorted. "Or maybe THAT universe was a MIRROR universe and the future there will be the exact opposite of what will happen here! You ever think of THAT, Dr. Smuggles?" Dr. Forrester chuckled. "Drink deeply of your future, Joel Robinson, and pray your robot is right... but you never know, THIS may be the 'fic that breaks you! Before that happens though, let's see the fruits of your warped little mind." Dr. F cackled. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Joel's concerns fluttered but he put them aside as he concentrated on the task at hand. Reaching behind the counter, he pulled out a ratty pair of bedroom slippers and a cannibalized handheld game with a telephone cord attached to the end of it. "OK, sirs, this invention is for people that are sick of the whole shoe racket and just want to be comfortable but don't wanna be snubbed for their shabby sense of shoe style." Joel lifted one of the slippers to reveal a tiny port clipped onto the heel as he plugged the end of the telephone cord into it and placed the slipper back down on the counter. "Let's try... #27," Joel said. The air around the slippers seemed to shimmer for a moment before they were abruptly replaced by a pair of pointy-toed shoes any witch would be proud to sport. Joel grimaced as he punched in another number and the shoes morphed again into a black pair of 'Sunday Best' dress shoes. "As you can see, the hologram surrounds your favorite pair of shoes, making them *appear* to be fashionable and stiffer than a maitre d's smile. Meanwhile, your feet are snug as a bug in a rug and no one's the wiser! I call them 'Virtually Shoes'!" "So forget Dr. Scholl and trust Dr. Joel. Please don't delay, try 'Virtually Shoes' today," Tom and Crow recited together. "Uh, nice read, guys. What do you think, sirs?" Joel looked anxiously into the camera. * * * DEEP 13 "Well now, with something like that, I can't imagine how you failed to make the cut for 'American Inventor'... oh, that's right, you're trapped up in space! BWAHAHAHA!!!" Dr. Forrester giggled as TV's Frank carried in a rather grotesque looking neck brace, covered in various pressure dials, indicators, and exhaust ports. Frank placed the brace down on a nearby card table set up for the occasion. "I've been dreaming up this little darling for some time now. It provides false hope and promise to the ultimate beauty dilemma!" Dr. Forrester began. "Long, dark, buttcrack hair?" Frank guessed. "What? NO! I'm talking about old person neck!" Dr. Forrester snapped. "Ah, the turtle club. Old they remain." Frank nodded. "But I thought you swore an oath to do harm, period?" "Wait for it..." Dr. Forrester replied before continuing. "No longer will you have to endure agonizing face pulls only to have a deflated beach ball forever nestled between your shoulders. One session with the 'Neckraiser' and wrinkles will be the least of your problems! Give 'em a personal demonstration, Frank!" "Hey, no way! I don't have old person neck!" Frank replied, indignant. "You'll have a broken neck in a minute if you don't put the brace on!" Dr. Forrester growled. "Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? HEY!" Frank yelped as a fed up Dr. Forrester grabbed the 'Neckraiser' and forcibly snapped it in place around Frank's neck. A moment later, high pressure steam spewed forth from the exhaust ports as Dr. Forrester adjusted the controls while checking the gauges. "Excellent, it's functioning perfectly! You can remove the brace now, Frank," Dr. Forrester informed him with a smile. "WHOA... THAT WAS WEIRD... HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO MY VOICE!?" Frank bellowed in a Basso profundo as he ripped the 'Neckraiser' off and tried to clear his throat. Dr. Forrester then placed his hand against Frank's neck and rubbed the skin. "Ah, dolphin smooth," He quipped before removing his hand. "But not for long..." "DAMN!" Frank exclaimed as within the span of two seconds, thick hair spouted from his neck like a Chia Pet commercial until it resembled a lion's mane. "Yes, sadly the hair and voice change are a necessary side effect of the 'Neckraiser'. Now Susan Lucci can shave with the rest of us guys!" Dr. Forrester giggled. "Just imagine a nation of shallow MILFs with five o'clock shadows that sound like Barry White! I'd say that's plenty evil wouldn't you, Frank?" "YEAH, AND PLENTY ITCHY TOO!" Frank growled as he frantically scratched his neck. "BUT HOW DO I GET MY VOICE BACK TO NORMAL?" "Oh, normality is overrated! Just go with the flow and enjoy singing 'Chocolate Salty Balls' without sounding like Frankie Muniz." Dr. Forrester chuckled as he grabbed a nearby fanfic off the top of a filing cabinet before addressing the viewscreen. "And speaking of itchy burning sensations... your experiment this week, Joel, is brought to you by the number three. It features three universes engaging in a messy threesome, three villains of the week, three repetitive songs, three minute lemon scenes, and a man with three... heh heh, mustn't spoil all the fun now." 'Wild Senshi', I think I love you. But I wanna know for sure..." Dr. Forrester sang as the viewscreen winked off. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Is it just me or is Dr. F more overconfident than usual today?" Crow noted. "Must be the pretzels. Ah, thanks for the new head, Joel." Tom said as he spun his neck around a few times. "Hey, get me! I'm Linda Blair! Hrrrrugh..." "Don't even think about it," Joel sternly warned as alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" (Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.) (Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you as you pass through.) (Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.) (Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile before proceeding.) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously, looking for moat monsters.) (Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.) Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >Scene: A fight in Juban >A young man was fighting something that looked like a harpy. "Come >on, bitch!" he said. The young man was in all black. He wore a >muscle shirt, slacks, fighting gloves, boots and a trench coat. Joel: Slacks? You just betrayed your age, author. Tom: Dockers. For the sensible fit when you're beating someone senseless. >`Hi, I'm Ranma Saotome.' Crow: And I'm Harpy the Horrible. And we're here to teach you about your body! >The harpy started to take off, "Oh no you don't! Venus!" Ranma said >as his hands glowed orange. "Love me chain encircle!" A chain of >orange hearts wrapped around its ankle it lifted off with him. Tom: Outsourcing my powers is almost as profitable as renting out my clothes! >`I know this is going to sound crazy but I'm the leader of the >Sailor Senshi.' Joel: My straw was the shortest. >He started to climb up to the harpy and got on her back. "Mercury!" >the martial artist said as his hands started to glow ice blue and >he formed blocks of ice around them. "Multi arctic punch!" screamed >the youth as he rained down punches on the harpy's body. Joel: Watch out, Ranma! The wings are icing! She's gonna crash!! Crow: He should've jammed his hands down the harpy's back, just as effective. >`I know what you're thinking, *how can a guy lead an all-girl team?* >Well, I'll tell you.' Tom: An unlimited supply of chocolate and Gundam Wing tapes? Joel: Repeated assurances of being a talent agent for William Morris Agency? Crow: If one of the Scouts starts singing "Shine shine... shine my love", I'm so outta here. >The harpy started to fall so it was time to finish her off. He got >off of her; flip kicked her down on to a roof of a building. Then >he rained down blasts on her, "Multi roaring lion's bullet!" Tom: The cosplayer never knew what hit her. Joel: A-All this because I ripped the tag off a pillow? >After the harpy was turned to dust, the Senshi came running over to >congratulate him. "Nice going Silver!" said Moon, and he made a >face. >"You know I hate that name!" Ranma said with a grimace on his face. >`It all started one day.' Crow: What, is Daniel Stern providing the voice-over here? Joel: God was fumbling for the light switch and accidentally created the universe. >Prologue: The ten million dollar teste. Crow: Oh, it's the *Cockman* diamond! >Scene: Saotome Manor >It had been ten and a half months since the manor was rebuilt and >Ranma was helping his mother move her things back in. "Well, that's >the last box," he said while setting it down. Tom: That's the box with Adam West inside, right? Crow: Hush, citizen... you mustn't disturb the Styrofoam citizens of Carton City. >"Thank you dear. Why don't you stay with me this weekend?" Nodoka >asked. Therefore he agreed and called Kasumi about what was going >on. Tom: Just give it to me straight... are Akane and the mallet happy? Crow: I'll say, they've been hammering each other all night! >Nodoka went into her purse and pulls out some money. "Here, why >don't you go and get some lunch?" she asked him while handing the >money to him. Leaving the house, he went to get some lunch at a >local restaurant. Not knowing what fate has in store for him this >time. Joel: Ranma prefers to think outside the bun. Crow: Can I have a little hot sauce with my fate, please? >Scene: Yoma Park Tom: Ah, that must be where the senshi go to level up. Crow: So nice of the city to give land to evil monsters... but what about the Indians, dammit! >The Sailor Senshi were fighting a group of monsters using teamwork >like they should. One of the monsters decided to find a weakness in >the team. Therefore the yoma decided to rip off Sailor Moon's >eternal broach. "Oh no you don't!" exclaimed Uranus as she kicked >it out of the yoma's hand. Joel: The broach may be eternal but the clasp is dollar store. >It flew across the street to a restaurant with a patio; it landed >into a bowl of ramen. A young man came back out and sat down at the >table that had the ramen on it. The young man ate the ramen without >noticing the broach, eating the broach and all. Tom: Let's see... the ramen was exceedingly crunchy and tasted like a woman's bosom but the service was quite good! >He then looked over at the battle and sighed as a yoma was about to >attack him. Crow: ALWAYS before I get to my jello! Joel: You'd figure he'd think twice after what Ranma did to that mime. >Scene: Restaurant >Ranma had just returned from the restroom, getting some hot water to >change back. He sat down and finished up his ramen lunch. As he >swallowed, he looked over and saw a yoma running over to him. Crow: Help me, help me! Those girls are viciously defending themselves against me! >Scene: With the Senshi. >"We got to get the broach back!" proclaimed Mars, while Mercury was >searching for it. She found it and they started to head over to >where the broach was and the yoma followed trying to stop them. That >was when they saw the young man finish the bowl of ramen and the >yoma started its attack. Tom: The narrative is doubling back on itself! It can't sustain this runaway reaction! Every man and bot for themselves!! >Ranma finished his lunch and paid for it but when he stood up he saw >a yoma making its attack. Crow: Heh, that's really funny, Mr. Cleese... now GET ON WITH IT!!! >He smirked, "Well I guess I should work off this food. Come on!" the >martial artist said with confidence in his voice. As the yoma >attacked, Ranma fought back in self defense, and then started to >treat the yoma like a tennis ball. Tom: I can put you in my spokes, and then I'll play fetch with Ukyou! >Beating the living daylights out of the creature and barely breaking >a sweat. He then slammed it against a wall and started to fire ki >blasts against it and the last one turned it into dust. Joel: A temper tantrum worthy of John McEnroe. Tom: Why don't you grow some hair?!? >Ranma was a little miffed over the whole ordeal, "I tell you… Can't >even eat lunch in peace," the youth said, just as he looked over >and saw the Senshi. The young man was stunned from the sight, >"Whoa…" was all he could say. Crow: Oooh, the Powerpuff Girls! Sign my shirt! >It seemed the one in ice blue was looking at him through a visor >and was shocked. She then walked over to him, "Excuse me, but >would you mind helping us for a minute?" Mercury asked politely. >"I'll do what I can. What do you need?" he replied as Mercury led >him to their leader. The pony tailed blond was pale and was in >nothing but ribbons. She was also breathing hard. Joel: Dear Diary... Jackpot. Crow: Heh heh... wardrobe malfunction... can I borrow your shirt? >"I'm looking at you right now and you have the eternal broach in >your system." Mercury informed the young man. Ranma himself was a >little confused. "Eternal broach? What's that?" he queried. Tom: It leads to massive internal bleeding and can trip seizures in people who watch Pokemon. Don't worry, I'll do your autopsy. And I'll be gentle. >Mercury then showed him on her computer what she was talking about. >However, not being too familiar with computers, he just sweat >dropped and blinked a bit. Joel: Where's the paddle controllers? >"Whoa, how'd the hell did that get into my system?" Ranma asked >irritatedly not liking that he had some freaky magical item inside >of him at the moment. Tom: Dammit, first the Lucky Charms and now this! >"We don't know and what's surprising is I can't find the crystal," >she explained. >The others were shocked and looked at the brainy Senshi. "Can't find >the crystal?" they all asked. Crow: Can they at least find a Gelfling? >Ranma was confused, "Crystal?" Mercury showed him a part of the >broach that was missing. "I see, look I said that I would help and I >will," he said, "Just tell what I have to do." >Therefore Mercury explained that he had to use his life energy and >connect it to the broach. Joel: Who knew that eating ramen would be such a commitment? >After he got that she then told him to place his hand where the >ribbons were all connected to on Sailor Moon's chest. Finally she >explained to him to concentrate and will the broach back to where >it was supposed to be. Crow: Focus on her crystal, Ranma! Come on, just will the broach to her naked heaving bosom already!! Tom: Meanwhile, the police hover nearby... not knowing if the weirdly-dressed girls will summon more monsters, if the naked girl will finally get dressed, or if the donuts across the street are half-stale from sitting out all morning... >Doing as he was told, Ranma willed the broach back onto Sailor Moon >and therefore caused her to transform back into her senshi uniform. >Albeit that she was now a bit weak and feeling light headed with the >sudden loss of the Ginzuisho. Crow: Finished action sequence with major repercussions or another Saturday night with Mamoru buying the booze? You be the judge! >`How did that happen?' thought the others, while unknown to them, >Ranma's subconscious gave Sailor Moon enough power to stay in her >eternal form until she and the senshi were able to get away from the >public eye and transform back into their street clothing. Tom: I hope Ranma's subconscious added the time it'd take for Usagi to catch a bus AND fumble for the fare in her ribbons. >The senshi of the Moon had finally started to come around, once her >eyes opened she saw Ranma looking down at her. >"Are you alright?" he asked in a concerned tone of voice. Usagi >couldn't believe it, it was one of the premier martial artists that >she had read about in the Nerima weekly. Copy writed by Nabiki >Tendo. Joel: Published under license from Backstory Press and Exposition Publications, Inc. Tom: This month in Kuno's Korner: "Silence, Whelp! And 15 Other Phrases to Begin Honorable Duels." >Not trusting her voice, she gently nodded; he smiled and helped her >up. "Well I better go," he said as he gave a two-finger salute and >left. All: Little Bunny Foo foo, hoppin' through the forest... >Everyone of the Senshi started talking as soon as Ranma had left. >"That was him!" exclaimed Venus, "That was Ranma Saotome!" >"Yeah, it sure was," said Jupiter dreamily, thinking he looked like >her old sempai, scratch that better than her old sempai. Crow: How's my breath? How's my hair? Ooh, I hope he doesn't notice my Great Red Spot! >However, it was then Mercury got a reading on the crystal and she >spoke up. "What's really amazing is that he has the crystal still >in him," Mercury stated in a hushed tone of voice. >The others looked over to her in shock. "THE CRYSTAL'S STILL IN >HIM!?!?" they all screamed. Joel: Cue the dramatic close-up. Tom: Mercury, get me a fishing pole and a two-four... I'm angling to catch me a crystal! >"We need to get it back and fast! There is no telling what will >happen with it gone, especially to Sailor Moon!" Mars said >heatedly. Knowing it was bad to leave the Ginzuisho inside Ranma. Crow: This looks like a job for Dennis Quaid! Tom: One thing's for sure, I am NOT following Ranma around for the next three days to get it all back! >Scene: Saotome Manor >Ranma and Nodoka settled in and started talking about what had >happened during the day. Tom: My, Mother, what a subpar tempura. Joel: Perhaps I can't make tempura but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table. >After their talk, he helped her with dinner. During dinner talked >about where he was thinking about going to college. "Aw mom… I >don't need school. I'm jus' gonna be a martial artist and teach the >art," he explained to his mother. Joel: I was thinking that a Bob Ross perm would be the way to go. It's my own little universe, you know. >"Son now listen here," she said to him in a tone that brook no >arguments, "you are going to college. Even the best martial artists >have a degree and know how to run their own school, keep their own >books and promote the art but also the use of one's mind," she >finished off. Tom: National Lampoon's Crouching Tiger, Hidden Animal House. Joel: This is going to end with Nodoka enrolling Ranma into a sorority, I can just feel it. Crow: Worse, it'll be both of them. Bosom Buddies Redux. >"Besides I have a doctorate in Physical education." >This left Ranma stunned at her revelation. Crow: I know a hundred and one ways to motivate fat kids to climb the rope! Joel: So THAT'S why I found all those ratty parachutes in our garage! >Knowing she was right, he decided not to argue and sat there for a >few moments before speaking again. "Well… I was thinking about >going to Tokyo University…" he said hesitantly. >"Ah, my old school," Nodoka said thinking about what it was like >going there. >"You went to `Toky U'?" Ranma asked in surprise. She nodded and sat >silent while he digested all of this new information. Ranma was >impressed, "Wow..." he said in a hushed tone of voice. Tom: All I had to do was bring my wheelbarrow and various stationery products to the register, and they gave me a doctorate printed on the back of my receipt! >"Ranma dear, you know that getting into Tokyo University will be >hard. You will need to bring your grades up in High school before >you can even get into Tokyo University. It is a very prestigious >college…" she said, hoping to get him to finally buckle down and >work on his grades. Joel: Mom, I beat a frigging god, okay? Chopping up a frog just doesn't thrill me anymore. Crow: This is truly the "Toky U" of fanfics. >Nodding at the information, he smiled and got up with a yawn. "I >think I will go to bed, got an early day tomorrow with `ugh' >school…" he said with a shudder. Ranma made a vow to do better, >but he still didn't have to like it. Tom: I suppose I should try to stop cheating on Akane too but I don't have to like it! Crow: At this point I'm laying even odds that he goes to Ohtori Academy in the morning. Joel: Thank heaven, he bought the phony degree bullcrap! I'll have a doctor in the family yet! >--------------- >During the night, his body was surrounded by a light blue glow. Just >then something started to pull out of his body and it was the curse. >Ranma had a handful of them already; he wasn't so strong, tough, or >fast. That's why he had trained hard everyday. Joel: Well, at least Ranma will be ready to take on Sho'nuff in the morning. >Ranma had the Chinese curse of Spring of Drowned Girl, a curse >from his fathers side `May you lead an interesting life', the curse >of the Neko-ken, and finally the curse of servitude and utter >stupidity. All thanks to Genma Saotome, his panda of a father. >Now thanks to the magic of the Ginzuisho, they were finally >being removed. Tom: Sadly, it couldn't counteract the fortune cookie Ranma ate two days ago. >Ranma's female form looked down on her previous vessel of >two years and wanted to say goodbye to him. However being unable to, >she just gave him a soft ghostly kissed on the lips and disappeared. Crow: Farewell plot devices! We hardly knew ye! Tom: [wistfully] If only our suspension of disbelief could give us a few kisses and disappear too. >Then he started to get hit with all of these lights one of every >color of the Senshi. It was if each one of them were gently >caressing him and kissing him. That was when he had the dream. Joel: One day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: Do you want fries with that? >Scene: Ruins of the Moon palace. Tom: Sailor Calypso's just rolling another spliff. Crow: Oh, I'll pinch this story so hard if it turns out to be next door to "Saotome Manor". >Ranma was standing in the middle of the ruins and started to look >around. He was dressed like a prince and was a little upset about >it. Therefore he changed his outfit to a muscle shirt, jeans and >hiking boots. Joel: This fanfic's heading for a blacklisting by Blackwell. Tom: I hadn't the slightest idea that Queen Serenity's stellar capital was in Parmistan. >Just then he met up with a young woman, she was very beautiful. She >looked like an older Sailor Moon; she had long white hair and >crystal blue eyes. The woman was tall and was dressed in a painted >on white gown, also she had a crescent moon on her forehead. Joel: I'll go fetch the turpentine. Rrrrowl. Crow: The woman, mad at being dressed like a queen, quickly donned a muscle shirt, jeans, and hiking boots. >Looking at her suspiciously, he spoke, "Who are you?" he asked the >woman. >"I am Queen Serenity, Sailor Moon's mother," she stated calmly >and with a smile on her face. Sitting down, she patted the space >next to her, motioning Ranma to sit with her. "I am here to ask a >favor of you." Tom: If I stick my tongue far enough down your throat, I may recover something near and dear to my daughter. >"What kind of favor? Every time someone asks me a favor it blows >up in my face…" he said irritably, while sitting down next to the >woman. Crow: Damn. I needed the release, too. >"I want you to lead the Sailor Senshi. You see, my daughter was >never supposed to lead them," Serenity explained her request to >him. >"I see and what do I get out of all of this?" Ranma asked as he >crossed his legs, "And even if I agree, just how am I going to do >that?" Tom: GRATUITOUS BEAVER SHOT. >"You've already have," she said Crow: I've already have? Have I? Joel: Yes, you've have already have have. >as she pulled out a huge diamond in between them both. Tom: How else could three eon's salary be worth a lifetime together? >"That's that crystal that the one Senshi in blue was looking for," >he said trying to remember her name. >"Mercury?" she queried. Ranma just nodded his response to her. >"This is the Silver Imperial Crystal; this will be the way you will >get your power. As a matter of fact, you ate it." Crow: But it doesn't run without three C batteries. Here is a glass of water for ease in swallowing. >"Excuse me, did you say…?" he started in shock. >"Ate it? Yes I did, remember the ramen?" Serenity questioned him. >Ranma went back through the events of the day and remembered that >he had finished the ramen and it must have been in it. Joel: And here I thought the chef was nice enough to throw in a few crunchberries for free. >He sighed and nodded his head, "Alright… I will help but I don't >like free power ups, but still I don't know what I am getting out >of this." he said still being suspicious of the woman. Crow: The selfless martial artist that helps those in need is obviously out of fashion. Tom: Leading the Senshi don't pay the college tuition, toots! >"Thank you Ranma, now as for what you will be getting… All of >your curses have been removed, and your body is being given what it >should have been given while growing up. All the proper nourishment >it should have had, Tom: But... my girlish figure...!! Joel: Don'tcha know that other kids are starving in Japan, so eat it! >and also your hormones are being fixed as well. Crow: I also fixed your crooked teeth, repaired your beat-up Mustang, and tuned your twanger. I'm gonna have to charge you for the braces though. Tom: We'll be back with 'Pimp My Ranma' right after these messages. >Did you know that you had a repressed sex drive due to your father?" >she explained and questioned him at the same time. >"I knew it! That damned bastard! He did this to me, no wonder I >always felt embarrassed and could fight off any physical attraction >I had to any female I have met so far…" he ranted and raved a bit. Joel: Now I'm vulnerable to every come hither in town! Crow: Now I have to trade fight off for beat off. >"Well now you know, just be careful. You might be stronger, faster >and more durable due to the magic fixing your body, but you aren't >invincible…" she explained. >Ranma nodded as she left him to dream and sleep on everything >revealed to him thus far. Tom: Mom, Uncle Beano, and the father in a cube were waiting once Ranma woke up to explain further. Crow: That Serenity bitch! I can finally appreciate the Howard Stern experience but she took away my access to lesbianism! Dammit!! >Scene: Usagi's bedroom >Usagi was asleep peacefully and in her dream she had seen her >mother, Queen Serenity. "Princess Serenity," she called. Usagi >started to look around and found her mother. Joel: She was behind the couch the whole time! >"Mother, what is it?" the young girl asked as she went over to her. Tom: It's a cheesy exposition by dream sequence. But that's not important right now. >"My daughter, I have something to tell you," said the queen, "you >weren't suppose to be the leader of the Senshi." Usagi was shocked >beyond belief. Crow: You see, Rei offered me a box of bonbons and a massage... >"But, if I wasn't supposed to then who is?" the girl trembled and >asked softly. It was then she saw the picture of Ranma, and >immediately knew who he was. >"He has agreed to take over for you and I will also give you a bond >with each other," the queen said, "It will be stronger than your >bond with Endymion." Tom: Nextel phones! No matter how far away he is you can STILL nag him! >"B… But Mamoru…" Usagi whimpered as she really did love him. >However, Serenity shook her head and sighed a bit. >"No Usagi, he is unworthy of you or any woman, he constantly dumps >you and only takes you back when it is convenient. Ranma is much >better and will not do that to you. Tom: Uh, I'd wait to see how he adjusts to his new-found hormones first, Your Highness. Joel: So does that mean that if I swallow England's crown jewels I'll automatically become King? >Do you understand dear daughter?" Nodding sadly, she accepted what >her mother told her, but she really still loved Mamoru. However she >could come to love Ranma if given enough time. Crow: And enough foreplay. >Scene: Ranma's bedroom >Meanwhile, Ranma's body started to get buffed and cut. He didn't >know that his body would turn out like this, nor did he know that >his body was becoming as perfect as it could get. Crow: His sexually liberated mind, however, was foggier than a pair of glasses coming in from a cold winter's day. Joel: I shahl run fo-ah gobenor of Coddy-foh-knee-a! >It was morning and he got up and started to take his shower, he went >into the bathroom and brushed his teeth. Ranma then decided to take >a bath and got undressed, and started to clean up. Tom: Wait a minute, wait a minute, he showered with his clothes on, stopped to brush his teeth, decided to take a bath then decided to clean up the bathroom in the nude? Crow: Yep, he's definitely got sex on the brain. >However, looking down between his legs he got the shock of his life. Tom: Wrong HORMONES, Serenity. >Scene: High above the house. >"AHHHHHH! I HAVE THREE TESTICALS!" Ranma screamed in horror. Crow: Talk about going through the roof. Joel: Which direction am I going to dress now?!? >Scene: Bathroom >The martial artist was majorly freaking out, that was when his mom >came running to the door and she knocked on it. "Ranma, are you >alright?" Nodoka asked. Joel: None of my panties fit anymore, Mom! Crow: Y'know, if I shave my pubes just right, I'll bet I could make them resemble the Three Stooges. >"Uh mom? Could you take me to the hospital? I don't think I'm >going to be okay," Ranma asked as he fainted and hit the floor with >a crash. Nodoka had heard a crash and opened the door to see that >her son was injured. Tom: And this after she kept warning the boy to always wear clean underwear. Crow: My experiments are a success! For my next project... a panda with four asses. >There were cuts and blood everywhere. He had hit the mirror as he >had fainted before hitting the ground. Joel: And the open door rapidly desteamed the room. Ranma's cute little puppy-dog was fading from the mirror shards... >She ran to the phone and called an ambulance, needing to get him to >the hospital fast. When they got there, the paramedics got him onto >a stretcher and out into the ambulance. Tom: Fifty bucks says it's a hiatus hernia. You in? Crow: Let's just get him to the hospital, I'm only two rescues away from a 150 Health bonus! >Nodoka mean while had grabbed some clothes for him and followed >them out to the ambulance to ride with them to the hospital. Joel: Oh shoot, I grabbed my Hello Kitty lingerie... oh well, not like he's going to be humiliated much less. >Scene: Hospital >Ranma was taken to the emergency room and they started to wrap up >his wounds. However when they tried to get and entire x-ray of his >body, they saw something that shouldn't be there, Crow: NOOO! Joel: An extra slice of bread in the breadbasket, if you catch my drift. One too many spare ribs, if ya get it... >that and the machine couldn't get a proper x-ray of his groin >region. "Take him in for a CAT scan," said the doctor. Tom: Ranma's third ball had the power of intangibility. Crow: Are you blind, quack? He needs a BALL scan! >"Carbon? In his crotch?" said a technician, "a diamond?" >Looking down at it, the doctor saw it too. "As big as the Hope >Diamond?" the doctor asked. >"That's what I'm thinking," said the techie, Tom: First glue sniffing, then gas huffing, now this. The kids really need to find cheaper thrills. Crow: Thank you 'fic for making us picture and imagine Ranma's hairy ballsack plus abnormal physical deformity for the past three paragraphs now. >later the doctor came out and saw Nodoka and Genma. Nodoka had >called Genma to the hospital due to her son being in the hospital. >Genma didn't really care as long as Ranma would be alright and able >to carry on the two school. That and Ranma was his meal ticket to >an early retirement with Soun. Crow: But enough about Ranma's crotch, time for some good old-fashioned Genma bashing! Tom: Thank God. Three balls, three Tendo girls. I was almost afraid that third one wouldn't come in. >"How is Ranma?" a worried Nodoka asked. >"He's fine you can take him home. But there is something I want to >show you," said Doctor Mizuno. Taking them into another room she >showed them the CAT scan and what it revealed. Joel: See? There's clearly a logical disconnect in the prologue region which could be impacting the plot. We may have to operate. >"A diamond in his crotch?" asked Nodoka in surprise. The doctor >only nodded in response. >"Well, take it out!" Genma said angrily wanting the diamond for >himself. `With that I can retire without the dojo or Soun. The boy >be damned…' he thought to his greedy self. Crow: And join us next week for "Veterinarian's Hospital", when you can hear Doctor Bob respond to Nurse Janice's question: Joel: What do you do with a patient with three balls, Doctor? Tom: Walk him and pitch to the anaethesiologist! >"Sure that is if you want your meal ticket punched," said a voice >coming behind them. It was of a young woman, with a light tan, >crimson eyes, green hair and dressed in a red dress suit. "You >remove the diamond from him, you'll kill him," the woman explained. Joel: Don't worry ma'am, the jokes will kill him long before that happens. >"I don't care, take it OUT!!!" Genma bellowed, his greed over riding >his sense of self preservation. Wanting that Diamond more than >anything else. Crow: Gallant gives his girlfriend a diamond in a velvet box. Goofus thinks of other ways to deliver jewelry. Joel: But think of the freak show value! You could take him all over the country and make even more money! >"Genma!!!" Nodoka said a bit loudly, her hand inching towards her >katana. Getting very angry at her husbands lack of concern for >their son. >"Uh… yes No-chan?" he asked shakily, starting to get very afraid of >her and the katana again. >"Don't you No-chan me. Don't you care about Ranma's well being?" she >asked dangerously. Tom: So, no questions for the green-haired woman who's obviously talking out of her ass and NOT a medical professional? Okay, just making sure. >Snorting at the question, his greed over rode his common sense and >sense of self preservation. "We don't need the boy now, just get the >diamond out of him and we can live on easy street forever. We can >even have another child, better than that dishonorable son of ours!" >he stated stupidly. Crow: We? We share a room, not a womb. >"GENMA!!!" she screamed, and then started to chase him around with >the katana. Intending to cleave him in two. Joel: Oh, it's Benny Hill as directed by Quentin Tarantino. >However, Genma being who he was, decided to get the hell out of >the hospital and find a place to hide out for a while. That and to >figure out a way to get the diamond out of Ranma's crotch. Joel: Eureka! I'll use a Eureka! >After Genma had escaped, Nodoka returned to the room where Setsuna >was waiting >"Hello Setsuna, sorry about all that..." Nodoka apologized softly. >"Oh it's quite alright, your husband is nothing but a fat fucking >fool. He doesn't deserve to be Ranma's father. I don't know why you >even stay with someone like him…" she said with utter contempt for >Genma in her voice. Tom: He's been away from me for sixteen years, it saved our marriage. >---------------- >Meanwhile Ranma was taking a little catnap and was talking to >Serenity. All the while, Nodoka and Setsuna were talking about >Genma and about old times. Joel: So, girlfriend, how far are you through Oprah's latest book? Tom: I've read the current one and the next three as well. Joel: But she hasn't announced them yet! Tom: I know. >Scene: Moon Palace ruins. >"What do you mean it's in your crotch?" Serenity asked, utterly in >shock. >"Yeah… it's inside the skin where my testicles are located. Not >sure if it's connected to anything important or not..." Ranma >explained embarrassingly. Tom: Uh, I'd say affirmative on that one, Ranma. Crow: Pluto seems to think that it's directly attached to Ranma's aorta. >"Hmm, this might work. Ranma, there's going to be one of many ways >to empower the Senshi. I'm going to have to activate them in you," >the ghost of Queen Serenity said with a sultry smile Joel: Who knew that inclusion into the Senshi came with birth control? >"Really how?" Ranma asked completely oblivious to the sultry smile. >Although, he got the idea when she started to unfasten his jeans. >"H…H…Hey, what are you doing?" the martial artist asked in a panic, >trying to keep his pants on. Tom: Uh, this is the man with "raised hormones", right? >It was then that the crystal calmed him down as she laid him down >on to the marble floor. Crow: Oh God, she's searching for the Dragonballs. Tom: Wiggle wobble, wiggle wobble... wow, times three, how freaky. >Then she reached up and removed her dress, letting it fall to the >floor. Serenity was completely naked with the exception of her >panties. Finally she pulled those off leaving her completely nude. Crow: Meanwhile, in the hospital room, Ranma is bucking up and down on the examination table. Joel: A-heh heh hehh... ahhh... he's just chasing a rabbit. That's it. >Pulling out his penis and settled herself on top of him, allowing >him to enter her nether regions. Tom: Now what? Joel: I guess I won't waste time either... ZZZZZzzzzzzz... >Ranma groaned at how tight she was, `hell this is my dream might as >well go along with it,' he thought she started to hump away at him. >This started the empowering process. Crow: Greatest. Motivational. Counselor. Ever. Tom: Clearly Ranma is the better choice over Mamoru, for he's never... uhh, straying... well, he's at least keeping it in the family! >Also this allowed her to make him as powerful as Sailor Moon in her >eternal form but he would need to work to control the powers. Plus >he also had all of the other Senshi powers as well. Although he >still would have to learn to control those as well and incorporate >them into his fighting style. Joel: So remember folks, eat a crystal, have sex with a middle aged woman and you can own the world. Crow: What if he just dry-humps? Does that lead to just a heightening of senses as well as adamantium claws? >Ranma finally came inside of Serenity and was fully powered up by >the end of that little tryst. Joel: While Serenity was fully knocked up. Crow: Dang, I wish I could get a battery recharger that works in only one minute. >Cuddling up with him, she started to enjoy the afterglow. "You'll >have to do this with each Senshi if you want them to get a power up. Tom: EGAD! A JAYWALKER! And I'm all out of proton energy pills! Form a line, brave senshi, and present those firm ample buttocks to me so I may power you up to deal with this diabolical menace to all that's pure and ivory! >However Sailor Saturn, Neptune and Uranus might need another way. >You will know the way when it is needed. Crow: I'm probably going to get lonely in the next little while, so could you draw me a diagram? >You now have every magical power the senshi have. Although yours >are chaotic and not as controlled as theirs. You will need to practice >to get full control and to incorporate them into your fighting style," >Serenity explained while purring. Tom: And if this recent session was any indication, Ranma may have to work on waiting long enough to use these magical powers. >"Y… You mean I have to have s… sex with all of them?" he asked, >very afraid that the Nerima crew would try and kill the girls out >right. That and they would try to kill him for that matter as well. Crow: And if I rape Mamoru, does that mean he'll be more macho? Joel: No, but his hair will become more beautiful than anything else in the known universe. >"Yes with them but not all of them. Three of them might not take to >the idea, that and maybe the other Inner Scouts might not want to >get their power boos that way," she explained to him. Crow: But I'm here to give you secrets. Uranus is an absolute sucker for Bartles & Jaymes, just pump about four into her and she won't even know you're there. >"A…A…Alright Serenity, but what about the people from Nerima?" he >asked nervously Crow: If you don't use protection, your white-hot seed of justice will burn them to cinders. >"Don't worry about them, with their power ups, and also you teaching >them how to fight properly. They should be able to defend themselves >against those from your past," she said to assuage his fears. Joel: Hey Jupiter, thanks for beating the crap out of Akane for me! Crow: Thanks for power booing me up for the job! But please, next time, I'm on top. >Finally with that said, she noticed that he was inflating inside of >her and was ready for another round with her. Tom: Ranma Saotome IS the Michelin Man! >The queen smiled and started to have sex with him again. Joel: Minutes later, Ranma exploded from being overcharged. >--------- >Later Ranma was awoken to the sight of his mother Nodoka. "Are you >ready to go son?" she asked as Ranma nodded and stretched. Crow: Ranma Saotome: MILF Hunter. >Leaving the hospital room, Nodoka was checking her son out, and >noticed the changes. She noticed that her son was more filled out >and much nicer looking than before. Joel: Yikes... I gotta lay off the Kay Parker films! >"Hey mom?" Ranma started off, startling Nodoka out of her >examination of Ranma. >"Yes son?" she replied. Tom: Does it count if you lose your virginity in a dream? Joel: Um, I don't think so. Tom: How about the three times after that? >"Can we go do a little shopping? I have a taste for some black >colored clothing..." he said with a smile. Joel: And get a spit curl, and find a temporary job at Arby's and... >End for now. Tom: No! It can't be the end! I was promised more nookie! Finally my repressed emotions can spurt forth with the force of a raging geyser! >Scene: Tom: Oh good, more story! Don't scare me like that! >A store in the mall. Crow: Jackie Chan had already thrown five goons through various displays and was working his way over to ladies garments. >Ranma was trying out some clothes and he was checking himself >out. He was in a muscle shirt and a pair of slacks. "What do you >think mom?" He said showing her his outfit, "too plain?" Joel: You could use a little more room in the seat, honey. How about these Toughskins over here? I'll pick out five for you to try on. >Nodoka looked at her son and was amazed at how he looked. >"Uh no, no it isn't." She said, "as a matter of fact. It looks good >on you," Ranma smiled and hugged her tightly. Crow: Ranma needs his mommy's validation for his new tough-guy image. Tom: Please don't tell me she's angling for a "recharge" too. >"Thanks mom," he said happily as they got him some clothes >and went back home. Later on there was a knock at the front door. >"I'll get it mom," Ranma said as he got up to get the door. Crow: Girl Scout cookies? Are you kidding?! See what a badass I am?! I have no need... wait, are those thin mints?? >When he got there and opened it, he smiled as he saw Setsuna >standing there. "Oh Hello Ms. Meio," he said politely. >"Hello Ranma," Setsuna responded in kind waiting for him to invite >her into the house. Crow: Sorry, Ms. Meio, but the hard sell just won't work. It's thin mints or nothing. >"Oh please come in, mom's in the kitchen. I'll go and get her," >Ranma said with a smile. >"Actually I wanted to see you Ranma," Setsuna said softly. >"Me? Why me?" Ranma asked in a confused tone. Tom: Wasn't Serenity supposed to take away the "lack of intelligence curse" too? Joel: I'm always on the lookout for sales. And I said to myself in the hospital, "What man could use a nice sharp Ginsu knife? Why, the man with three balls, of course!" >"Well I wanted to talk to you about what has happened to you," the >Senshi of Pluto said seriously. Therefore the two of them walked >into the living room after Setsuna had removed her shoes and sat >down on the couch to talk. Crow: Now in this scene, Setsuna will play the role of Jason Seaver... Ranma, of course, will always be Mike Seaver. Joel: When Setsuna goes for the grope, I bet she comes up with two nickels and a wad of used gum. >Scene: A dark throne room Tom: Serenity thought the blindfolding was a bit too much, but Ranma held the key to the "kingdom"... >In the room a lone figure waited as he sat back on his throne. He >was dressed in long, dark robes with a golden eye on the hood. The >man had a golden upside down pyramid hanging from a gold chain >on his neck. Crow: This is what Dick Cheney dreams when he's having yet another heart attack. Joel: And if you jiggle the fanfic, a neon sign saying "Evil!" pops up above him. >He also had a golden rod in his left hand, this was Marik, the self >proclaimed pharaoh of the world. Tom: And he was always sneezing! Oy gevalt, what could be causing that?? Crow: This reads less like Yu-Gi-Oh and more like "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty". >(AN: Folks, please don't hiss the villains.) Tom: ESPECIALLY the guy in the fourth row! I'm watching you, fella! Crow: This is known as foreshadowing with weapons of mass destruction. >"Queen's Knight, come forth!" he said, a young woman stepped out of >a huge painting and walked over to the throne. She knelt in front of >Marik and bowed her head; she was dressed in black armor and had >blond hair sticking out. Crow: Woody Allen and Soon-Yi's roleplaying became extremely involved as time went by... Tom: Ken, I want you to conquer Japan immediately. And watch out for Ken. >"Yes all powerful pharaoh?" she said softly, "I want you to go and >destroy those pesky Sailor Senshi once and for all!" Marik stated >loudly. >"Yes my pharaoh." Queen's Knight said and disappeared in a flash of >light. Joel: Rook h1, Bishop h6... you're with me. >(Cue Theme) All: Dare to be stupid! Dare to be stupid! >Wild Senshi >Chapter 1: Screwing with Time Crow: Smooth. Joel: This is going to start out with "Meanwhile, back on the couch..." and feature plenty of private parts, isn't it? >Scene: A mall Crow: It didn't work once, Woody, it's not gonna work twice. >Usagi Tsukino was shopping with some friends and they were looking >at some really good sales. Joel: Ooh, red furry dice! My life is complete! Tom: Meanwhile, Ranma was at "Sunglass Hut" finding a bitchin' pair of shades that his mother would approve of for his badass costume. >When all of the sudden yomas started to attack, people were running >everywhere trying to get out and escape. Crow: Will you people shut up?! I finally found a pair of boots I can tolerate! Tom: Hey, perfume counter workers... do what you do naturally and go spray 'em in the face while I get some help! >However these weren't the ordinary yomas, sure they were female >and they were monsters but the were cards. Crow: Ranma opened them all... sadly, none of his relatives sent him any cold hard cash. >Some were pulling off the symbols of their suits and throwing them >at people. Joel: Ahh! It's a flying Prada logo! And there's a Gucci! No, not a DKNY! Those fiends! >The hearts were black and turned people against one another, the >diamonds stab and cut people, Tom: You diamonds were my best friends! I *LOVED* you!! >the clubs wrap people up in electrified ivy and the spades emitted a >powerful poisonous gas. Joel: And the 'Rules for Playing Poker' settled for the whiffle bat. >"We've got to stop them!" said Usagi, the others were in full >agreement. >"Usagi can you still transform?" said Ami, Usagi nodded. >"Watch, MOON ETERNAL POWER, MAKE-UP!" she screamed and >as she tried to transform it didn't happen. The others looked on in >shock and dismay, because their leader was unable to transform. Crow: Megatron has fallen! I, Sailor Mars declare myself the new leader! >"Come on, MINNA HENSHIN YO!" Ordered Minako. >"MERCURY CRYSTAL POWER!" >"MARS CRYSTAL POWER!" >"JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER!" >"VENUS CRYSTAL POWER!" >"SATURN CRYSTAL POWER!" >"MAKE UP!" They said together, and all transformed into the Sailor >Senshi. Crow: They are truly the Greek chorus of superheroing. Tom: My three balls sense danger and scantily-clad women! Mother, hold my long forbidding trenchcoat, I go in search of tail! >After that they went out to fight off the yomas. They were taking >the yomas out and it was easy, then all of the sudden, Queen's >Knight appeared out of nowhere. Tom: Charge up the energy bar and cue the boss theme! Crow: Remember, beat her senseless till she starts flashing red! Then beat her some more! >Upon seeing her, they then focused their powers on her. Joel: So what, two of them go to hold her down and another one gets out the magnifying glass? >"SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!" said Mercury, but the attack just rolled >off of Queen's Knight, which shocked Mercury to no end. Crow: Fox exposed that old parlor trick years ago! Tom: An illusion that does no physical damage? No way! >"What was that?" Queen's Knight asked with a sneer, Joel: This is not a chawade! We need total concentwation! Again, and this time with fee-wing! >"Allow me to show what ice can do. Crow: Joel Schumacher proved a hundred puns relating to it doesn't make a great film. >DIAMOND DUST!" she said loudly as the diamond on her armor >glowed in resonance with the head of her staff. Then she pointed it >at Mercury and a beam of ice was shot out at her putting Mercury >in a block of ice. Crow: Phew, thank heaven the author spellchecked here, I'd hate to see Mercury in a block of lice. Joel: Dammit, if only my power were to summon gigantic amounts of strawberry custard... >"MERCURY!" screamed the Senshi, then the ice block turned into a >huge playing card of Mercury crucified. The queen laughed manically. Tom: So what goes on the red Mercury, a black Saturn? >Sailor Mars looked over to the evil queen. "You're going to pay for >this!" the senshi of fire said heatedly, Joel: How apropos. Crow: You'd better not say that, Mars... she's liable to make One-Eyed Reis wild. >"BURNING MANDALA!" Rings of flames left her hands and attacked >the queen and they hit. >"Yes got her!" said Mars, just then out of the smoke came a stream >of fire that hit Mars and surrounded her. Tom: Flames will be cheerfully deleted! >Then once the flames engulfed her, she was turned into a huge >playing card. Crow: It's Senshi Freecell! Collect the whole set! Joel: Where's Maverick when you need him? >"MARS!" Moon screamed out as Jupiter stepped up. Punching her hand >into the air, Jupiter spoke "its show time!" Joel: Just now? Man, movies previews are just getting longer and longer... Crow: Please turn off your cell phones and open your smuggled cans of pop now. >"SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!" the senshi of Jupiter screamed as she >tossed a disk of electricity at the queen, but the creature used its >staff to parry the incoming attack Crow: Jupiter's been watching too much Tron. >"CLUB'S IVY!" said Queen's Knight, while green vines of ivy >surrounded Jupiter and fried her. Then she was turned into a huge >playing card. >"Who's next?" the creature questioned with a snarl. >"I am!" Venus proclaimed as Queen rolled her eyes. "VENUS LOVE ME >CHAIN!" shouted out the senshi of love. However, Queen grabbed the >chain and fried her, and like the others she was turned into a huge >playing card. Tom: Just one more senshi and I can finally call! Joel: Suddenly, I'm nostalgic for 'Card Sharks'. >Now Usagi who couldn't transform at the moment, was getting scared. >However once Queen was about to attack, a yellow beam hit her from >behind. Crow: Oh GOD no, so this is Ranma's great benefit to having three testicles?!? >Both Usagi and Queen looked over and saw two more senshi, >one dressed in blue and the other in sea green. Then the two new >arrivals started their attacks. Joel and Tom: We're the Pointless Sisters nowwww... so relax, don't have a cowwww... when we're thru, just clap your hands, we'll take a bowwww... we're pointless now! >"WORLD SHAKING!" said the short haired blond another yellow blast >hit knocking Queen back. >"DEEP SUBMERGE!" the long sea green haired one spoke out in a loud >voice. Being surprised by the two new arrivals, Queen was hit by the >magical stream of water. Crow: You're a lucky lucky chess piece... you get to drink from THE FIRE HOSE!!! OPEN WIDE! >Scene: With Ranma and Nodoka Tom: It may be "new" but it's not all that "improved". >After the conversation with Setsuna, they decided to go back to the >mall and get some more clothing among other things. Joel: Wow, this Suncoast has all of the plot spoilers I could possibly want! Wait... I could've been trapped on an island with thousands of other scantily-clad women? SERENITY!! >However, when they arrived and saw what was going, Setsuna tried to >sneak off and transform. This wasn't missed by Ranma who had caught >her and saw her transformation into Sailor Pluto. Standing there >in her sentai pose, Ranma just blinked and waited for her to speak. >"Ranma, they'll need your help," Pluto said seriously. >"I'll go and see what's going on," the martial artist said, therefore >Pluto went with him. Crow: Ranma doesn't go by your rules and he doesn't truck to your hangups! He just drifts casually where the trouble is and goes from there. >"Is that body suit one piece?" Ranma said as they ran. >"Why no it isn't. Why do you ask?" Pluto asked, before he grabbed >her. Tom: Have you thought about the benefits of a wardrobe of muscle shirts and slacks? >"Mom, I'll need the katana," Ranma said. Nodding, Nodoka tossed >him the blade without a second thought. "Thanks, get out of here!" >the martial artist ordered. Again nodding, Nodoka went to find a >safe place to hide, knowing her manly son would take care of this. Joel: By shrieking "MASHERS!" at the top of his voice? Tom: This is just so wrong in so many ways. >While his mother escaped, he picked up Pluto and put her over his >shoulder in a fireman's carry. Then he brought her into her into >the men's restroom and sat her down. Tom: You're so romantic, you clod. Joel: I like to come here to serenade, the acoustics are excellent. Crow: Hey! How'd you find me so quickly? My turn to be "it" now! >"What are you doing?" the senshi of Pluto demanded as she tried to >hit him with her key staff. >"Will you stop hitting me with that staff? Look, I talked to your >queen last night and she said I have to do this to power you up," >Ranma said as he picked her up again and placed her on the sink >while blushing. Crow: I'd rather impale myself on one of these nasty flusher handles. >"Do what?" Pluto asked as he removed her panties. "Wait a minute!" >the woman screamed, "What are you doing?" Crow: Gil Grissom offered him a bounty for DNA retrieval. Tom: Shhhhh! We've got to be in stealth mode, which means we're goin' commando! >"Look the crystal's in my crotch right?" he asked and she nodded, Crow: Not a statement you hear in the men's bathroom every day, is it? Joel: Trust me, it's a lot easier to get high when you sniff it, Einstein. >"You girls are going to need some power to beat these new enemies, >so I am going to have sex with you," Ranma said while blushing and >trying to prevent himself from having a major nosebleed. Joel: But then things will be too uneven, so I'll have to knock the monsters up to ensure a fair fight! >The martial artist then gently placed his cock up inside of the Senshi >of times vagina and started to have sex with her. Crow: Positions, man! Give us the down low of EVERY body part! How in heck will all the fetishists keep interest if they have no clue where the feet are?? >Ranma being inexperienced was pounding into Pluto with wanton >abandon. This was painful at first for Setsuna, but soon he had >gotten a good rhythm going, and she was moaning `more' and >`harder'. Crow: Oh yes, more evidence to use against you... h-harder time for you to serve in prison! Yesss! >"Do you want it?" Ranma asked with a husky voice. >"Yes I want it," she whispered breathlessly. >"I'm sorry I didn't hear you, what did you say?" he asked as he >continued. Tom: DOST THOU DESIRE THE POWER? >"THE POWER GIVE IT TO ME! EMPOWER ME WITH YOUR >ROD!" Pluto screamed out with utter lust in her voice. Tom: I just got word back from the Sorceress, personally she's disgusted and refuses to have anything to do with the whole affair. Joel: Twenty minutes of dirty talk and two minutes of sex later, a powered up Pluto arrived on the battlefield to discover the bodies of her comrades covered with black flies. >"Get ready, because here it comes!" Ranma stated firmly, while he >came inside of the Senshi of Time. When it was over, both were >powered up and weren't even breathing hard, "You ready?" the >martial artist asked and Pluto nodded. Joel: Ready for a smoke and some therapy. >"Let's go," the senshi of time said in her business like tone, >having regained her composure after their little tryst. Tom: How ironic. It was over even before one could get to the second verse of "Paradise by the Dashboard Light". >Both of them were about to walk out when Ranma stopped her. "Pluto, >pull up your panties. You look like a slut," the martial artist >said calmly but with a blush on his face. Gasping in surprise, she >blushed and hastily pulled them back up. Crow: And get a paper towel, you've got semen dripping down your leg. What a ho you are. >Scene: The fight. >Neptune and Uranus were dodging attacks and firing on Queen's >Knight, who was also dodging and attacking. Joel: I told you we should've used the Konami code! >Then she caught Neptune and turned her into a playing card, >"NEPTUNE!" Uranus screamed out in rage and loss, wondering if her >lover would ever get free. However, that distraction cost her and >allowed her to be hit and turned into a card as well. Crow: They went out... as one pair. How fitting. >"Now it's the little blond girls turn," Queen said, and was about >to attack Usagi when all of the sudden she was attacked again. Tom: The Killer Tomatoes would not be denied their vengeance. >"Dead Scream!" A crimson ball of energy hit her, and then she >heard. "Deal with this! DEAD HEADS!" Crow: No! Not the last of the hippies! NOOOOO!!! Tom: What's next? Lemon Heads? Joel: Melonhead? Crow: Radiohead? Joel: Max Headroom? Tom: Head of the Class? Crow: Herman's Head? >Just then the area was turned into a graveyard, Queen's Knight >started to look around in fear. "Where am I?" the demonic woman >said fearfully. Whipping her head around she heard laughter, and >therefore tried to find the source, but couldn't. Crow: Would a demonic woman REALLY be afraid of a graveyard? Joel: And though you fight to stay alive, your body starts to shiver... for no mere mortal can survive... the evil of the THRILLER!! Muahahahaha!!! >That was until she looked behind her and saw two people dressed in >robes with the symbol for Pluto on them. Queen looked over her >shoulder and she saw them. One was a young woman with crimson eyes >and the other was a handsome young man. Joel: Yes, this creature will suffice for Plan 11. Tom: I'll ready the paper plat... I mean, our saucer. >"What the?" the demonic woman started but she was grabbed by two >skeleton hands and slammed down on to a slab. A couple more started >to pull off her panties as the woman unzipped the man's slacks and >the man started to put it inside of her. Crow: The skeleton slabbed her while Ranma stabbed her. >Queen's Knight started to yell and scream `NO' and `HELP MY >PHAROAH'. However, soon she started to scream `YES' and `MORE' >as lust filled her brain. Tom: My head only takes MIDGRADE LUST! I can't have any of this cheap tawdry shit! >Ranma finally saw the evil aura separate from the demonic woman >he was literally screwing. It came out in the shape of a card, >Therefore he had Setsuna use the katana and slice it in half being >too busy ramming his manhood home into Queen's womanhood. Crow: Yes, it's 'The Exorcist: The Version You Never Wanted To See.' Joel: Well, at least she'll have the satisfaction of projectile vomiting all over Ranma. Tom: Ranma's Youma Removal Service. Our motto... "If it's got a hole, Ranma'll bring his pole!" >"Your evil has been purged, Queen's Knight," Ranma proclaimed in >grunts, and then he came in her. Crow: Now it's evil with a messy white residue. >After that, Ranma pulled up his pants and got Queen dressed before >the senshi created realm dissipated Tom: Helluva way to clean up a crime scene. Joel: Oh, Ranma leaves every encounter with dignity, doesn't he? >Later on after the battle was over, Ranma and Nodoka started to >walk out of the mall with some new clothes with two women >following them out. One was Setsuna and the other was a beautiful >blond with blue-gray eyes dressed in a white blouse, slacks and >sandals >"How's about we get some lunch, what do you say? Setsuna? >Elizabeth?" Ranma asked politely while looking at the others. >"Sure," they said. Crow: Anything but hot dogs. The last thing I want is a wiener right now. >End for now. Joel: More rape to come. Tom: Film at six, eleven, one in the morning, three in the morning, and downloadable off the Internet. >Standard Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma ½ nor do I own Sailor Moon >or anyone from the Yu-Gi-Oh! series. I do however own all original >monsters and attacks that I create. So don't Sue me. Crow: Blue Eyes White Pikachu! I choose you! >Credit goes to my pre-reader Nameless Author. For without her this >fic would look worse than a car wreck! Joel: Now remember, fanfiction has a no-fault law... >---------- >Scene: Marik's Headquarters Joel: They've given up chasing random chess pieces and are now tracking that elusive criminal mastermind, Carmen Sandiego. Crow: Can they arrest Rockapella first? Please? >Marik saw what had happened to Queen's Knight and was not happy. >"That bumbling idiot! JACK'S KNIGHT COME FORTH!" he screamed. Tom: Can somebody tell me what kind of world that we live in when a man dressed up in a muscle shirt gets all of my press? Joel: How much you wanna bet Jack's Knight is going out for a bit of redrum? >Jack's Knight appeared out of nowhere bowing before Marik. >"Yes, great pharaoh?" he queried. The demonic male had dirty blond >hair, and wore black armor similar looking to Queen's Knight's own. Crow: I need you to take dictation! This situation calls for a strongly-worded letter to the editor! >"I want you to go out and find this new ally of the Senshi and >destroy him!" Marik growled out angrily. >"By your command," the warrior left. Joel: Oh, and some smokes. Without it the ambiance of this scene would be ruined. >---------- >(Cue theme) Tom: I ache for the touch of your lips dear, but much more for the touch of your... whips dear. You can raise welts like nobody else, as we dance to the Masochism Tango! >Wild Senshi >Chapter 2: Sex, Thugs and Rock -n- Roll Joel: This fanfic contains explicit scenes of Hoochie Koo. Viewer's discretion is advised. >Scene: Tendo Dojo >Ranma and Nodoka stopped by to tell the Nerima Crew that he was >done playing with them and that he was moving on. Tom: Hey, don't you be playin' Tomboy T or she mess you up. >This however didn't settle too well with them, "WHAT?" everyone >present screamed out. Crow: I'm parlaying my stint on "Takeshi's Castle" to a regular Spike TV appearance as Ranma LeDouche! Joel: Cue the montage! >"Look dipsticks!" Ranma insulted, "I have had it with you people! >You drive me crazy and it's a short trip!" he explained then tried >to calm down relax. Tom: Have some dip. Crow: So go take a long walk off a short pier while sucking on eggs and flying a kite! >"NO!!! I own you! You were promised to me before you were born! >You're MINE!!!" Akane exclaimed rather violently, her blazing red >battle aura getting stronger by the moment as she stood there. Joel: Is this when the thugging starts? Crow: Either that or some spiffy dance choreography. >"You own me?" Ranma snorted out and then laughed, "How can you own >me, when it is illegal to own slaves?" he said derisively. Tom: You tell us, Ranma, when "divine right" not only altered your physiology but gave you a harem. >"B… B… But… what about us? I thought you loved me?" she deflated >a little. >"Us? Us?" There is NO us," the martial artist growled out. "How can >there be an `us' when there is only `a you'?" he asked then started >to point to the others present. Joel: Because, you see, I don't exist. So there. Crow: Ranma, this is fine for Dr. Laura but Dr. Phil may disapprove. Tom: Dr. House is loving it though. >"A him?" pointing to Ryoga. "A them?" pointing to the other >fiancée's. >"A her?" he snorted with utter distain as he pointed to Nabiki. >"Finally a them?" Ranma finished off with pointing to the fathers >while growling softly. Bots: I'm with stupid!? >"So tell me how is there and `us'? Because I really want to know," >he demanded, upsetting Akane, as she started to get angry with him >again. No she was beyond angry, she was pissed and livid. How dare >he say all those things, he belonged to her, HER the best martial >artist in Nerima. Tom: Japan number one! Me bouncy! Joel: Wait until Akane realizes that Ranma dumped her for Camilla. >As Ranma headed for the stairs to get his things, Akane followed >while pulling out her mallet. "RANMA NO BAKA!!! YOU BELONG >TO ME!!!" she screamed as she swung it down towards Ranma's head. >However he dodged it, moving so fast that she could not hit him. >"Wha…?" she blinked in confusion as she lost her balance and fell >face first into the floor. Crow: I say, could someone pass me the Washington Times? This New York Post is completely content-free. Tom: I had dibs on it first, once I'm done with Esquire. >"I belong to NO ONE, do I make myself clear?" he stated angrily, >showing his very very powerful battle aura. Tom: Ranma, at last, we see each other plain! M'sieur le Consort, you'll wear a different chain! >However, Genma not wanting his meal ticket to get away stepped in >front of Ranma. "Where do you think you are going boy?" Genma >sternly questioned Ranma in his most authoritive tone of voice. Crow: To Aspen! I need to find Mary Samsonite and give her back her luggage! >"Home!" Ranma forcefully stated while adding a bit of ki to his >voice. Thus scaring Genma enough to piss his pants and back off. Joel: Aww! You guys made me ink! >"Let me tell you why you want me to stay," Ranma stated as he >grabbed his crotch, "Ten million dollars US currency, is right here >and either you or Nabiki are going to try to give me a vasectomy >in my sleep! I don't trust either of you here!" he stated even more >forcefully. Tom: So this is essentially a remake of 'Hell Comes To Frogtown'? Joel: If you're that squeamish we can always go with the original plan of packing you in ice and selling your kidneys. >Nabiki, upon hearing that, just couldn't let her biggest money >generator walk out of her life like that. "Oh no you don't Saotome, >you still have a debt and I expect full payment. And it seems that >jewel in your crotch will pay it off nicely…" she said with a snarl. Tom: Nabiki was tired of berating Virgil and needed the gem to complete her Million Dollar Belt. >Knowing he didn't have enough of a back bone to hit a woman, let >alone stand up to her. However, Nabiki didn't know that Ranma had >grown quite a back bone since his encounter with the Sailor Senshi. Crow: Despite the evidence being presented right before her! Tom: No, that's not the bone he's been growing with the Senshi. Can't you recall the prologue? >"Oh and how do you plan to stop me Nabiki? I don't owe you jack >shit! Joel: I write for Nerima Weekly, remember? Cross me and I'll smear you like Vaseline over a camera lens filming Liz Taylor! >As I see it, your blackmail, betting pools, and extortion has >more than paid you off. If you don't like it then try and get me, >I will gladly put you into prison," he snarled out before storming >upstairs and grabbing his stuff. Tom: The testimony should be a laugh riot. Joel: Judge, this woman made me turn into a girl and give her nudie pictures! Crow: Jack McCoy would laugh his hair right off. >Finally after getting back down stairs, he stormed to the front door >with his mother following behind. "Ranma if you walk out that door. >You will be disowned from the family!" Genma yelled. >Ranma just dropped to his knees and pretended to plead with Genma. >"Oh please don't throw me out of a family that you're NOT the head >of," Ranma stated in a very sarcastic tone of voice, then got up to >leave. Joel: You could hardly tell that Ranma popped a Mentos before the scene started. Crow: So how come the rest of the fiancees aren't going postal here? Tom: Obviously they dropped dead from the collective heart attack long ago. >"Boy! Come back here!" screamed Genma. However it fell onto deaf >ears as both Ranma and Nodoka walked away. Crow: And Genma dejectedly danced over to the shelf and put his nifty little nutcracker soldier back. Joel: OK OK, I'll let you go! Just let me chisel off a sliver of that diamond to keep me on my feet for a couple years! I'm good for it! Tom: Walked away! That's a capital idea! We should all walk away! Except for the small subset of those who hover slightly away, yet have their creators carry them the rest. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE The MSTing trio had barely stepped out of the theater when they heard a gruff yet familiar voice call out. "Hey there, fellas, which way to the beach?" Joel and the bots slowly turned around to see Gypsy. A single round bump the size of a tennis ball protruded from her body which was covered by a muscle shirt. "No..." Crow shook his head in denial. "It can't be..." Joel gasped in disbelief. "Hey, you ate my leftover ramen in the fridge, didn't you!?" Tom accused. "Sure did, bro!" Gypsy happily replied as her bump jiggled a bit. "Oh lord, PLEASE let that bump be an adam's apple!" Crow exclaimed in horror. "Commercial sign! We need commercial sign NOW!" a panicked Tom bellowed. "G-Gypsy? Are you feeling okay?" Joel stammered. "I'm not quite sure... but what I am sure of is that all three of you are going to need some power to beat your enemies so I'm going to have sex with you. So, who wants me first?" Gypsy growled. Crow and Tom fainted simultaneously and Joel looked to be on the verge of joining them when he noticed Gypsy's body was shaking slightly. As he looked her in the eye, she simply couldn't hold in her laughter anymore and giggled herself silly, the bump on her chest revealing itself to be nothing more than an orange as it fell out from under her muscle shirt. "Oh, Joel, you should've seen the look on your face!" Gypsy finally managed to gasp as Joel now wore a sheepish look of embarrassment as he helped Tom and Crow up off the floor. "Arrgh, Gypsy! I can think of a few more curses, letsee if that orange'll cure 'em!" Crow replied while alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed. "OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out. TO BE CONTINUED IN 'WILD SENSHI' PT. 2... Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other multiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come, so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and skits. ;p