*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be....) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE) EPISODE 43: WILD SENSHI PT. 2 (A Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh MSTing) MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering our collective asses here folks... "Wild Senshi" is the property of Greg Daniels. He has given us permission to MST his work and we greatly appreciate it. :) Warning: This fanfic contains mature content and scenes of lemon. If you are offended by such material or are too young to legally view it, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy! * * * (Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.) (Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you as you pass through.) (Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.) (Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile before proceeding.) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously, looking for moat monsters.) (Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.) Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >---------- >"Mom, I suggest that you divorce pops… he ain't no good for ya. All >he's gonna do is drag the Saotome name through the mud…" he said >to his mother, knowing full well Genma had married into the Saotome >clan as he was ronin before that. Genma's own family disowning him >for training with Happosai. Crow: Are you kidding? I'd have to pay HIM alimony! >Scene: Saotome manor >Later after Ranma got settled in, the Senshi came over. "Ranma," >called Nodoka. "Some friends are here," she finished. Joel: Must be Hiroshi and Daisuke, man I gotta get some more friends! >Upon getting down the stairs, spotted the Senshi and smiled at >them. All: We're always on duty! >"Hey guys," the martial artist greeted they went into the living >room. "Are you all alright?" he asked in a concerned tone of voice. Bots: THE TEST STRIP CAME UP PINK! Joel: Cool! Did you find somebody to take care of them? >As Nodoka came in with some juice for them, they nodded and smiled, >thanking the Saotome Patriarch for the refreshments. "Thanks for >saving our asses out there the other day," Said Minako. Tom: Hmm, do I know you? You're not Sloppy Slut, or Nasty Skank... Crow: I'm Whiny Ho! >"Hey, could you introduce yourselves to me?" he asked politely, >"Also tell me how you found this place?" Joel: Are you wearing a wire? Tom: We followed the Batmobile trail. Crow: We took a right turn at Mendo's, a left at the Maison Ikkoku, and crossed the road when Takahashi wasn't looking. >"I'm Usagi Tsukino." >"I'm Ami Mizuno." >"I'm Rei Hino." >"I'm Makoto Kino." >"And I'm Minako Aino." Tom: Sure, sure, the wardrobe with the French maid outfits is upstairs and the kitchen is that way. And next time just wear nametags. >"We found you by following the energy signature of the Ginzuisho," >said Usagi. >"Oh... that… yeah I guess you would find me that way," Ranma >chuckled nervously, just then a video of the Three Lights came on. Joel: So that's what happened to the Chipettes. Crow: Tragic yet expected. >He laughed and started singing. "We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too. >Sailor Moon is kinda cute, we watch TRL on Asian MTV everybody >Three count… One, Two, Three! One...two...threeeeee!!!" Ranma >laughed again. Crow: He's a bigger ditz than you, Usagi! Joel: Then Ami picks up a brownie and wonders why it's a funny green color. >Usagi and Minako were mad and they got into his face because of how >he insulted their singing. >"THEY ARE NOT LIKE THAT!" both screamed in unison as Ranma raised >his hands in defense. Crow: When did this turn into an episode of Jem? Tom: Ranma Cowell, "Simon" to his friends, just couldn't seem to leave his work at the office. >Just then there was announcement that they were coming back to >Juuban. "YES!" Usagi and Minako both screamed excitedly. >Ranma got up and looked at them, "Who are these guys anyway?" the >pigtailed martial artist asked. >"They are just some friends," Minako replied in a off-handed manner. Joel: Don't be too scared, Ranma... you wouldn't believe how they spazzed out over seeing Jabberjaw and the Neptunes last week at the Tokyo Dome. >"Must be more than friends if you two snapped like that," the young >Saotome grumbled. "Tell you what I'm going to do. I'll make up for >my little joke by seeing if I can get some tickets to the show." >They looked at him, "You'd do that for us?" both asked excitedly and >he nodded in response. >"So hows about it?" he asked the Senshi. The only response was >enthusiastic nodding. "KICK ASS, Mom!" >Nodoka heard the commotion and walked in to the room, "You >bellowed my son?" she chuckled jokingly. Crow: No Mom, I asked you to kick my ass. What does a guy need to do here, scribble on the walls with crayon? >"Sorry about that, I need a small favor," Ranma stated. Later he >was on the phone smiling while talking to someone on the other >end. "Okay thank you, back stage passes too right? Kick ass, thanks >we'll pick them up tonight. Alright, bai," he hung up the phone, Joel: Well, the Lights concert was completely sold out but I got us front row center for David Hyde Pierce's one man show! >"Okay ladies. Thanks to mom, I got us tickets to see them and back >stage passes. Now am I forgiven?" >"You already were, we knew you were playing," said Usagi. Tom: Concert tickets! Right here! They'll cover those emotional sexual-assaulting scars, right? >"Okay, the concert's at Eight in the evening so let's all meet back >here at Six," Usagi said, the others agreeing immediately. Crow: I'm gonna hit the local bars for a few hours, the more women I can empower, the better. >------------- >Scene: With Jack's Knight >The concert was getting ready and set up, everything was prepared >as this was going to be a Three Lights concert no one would ever >forget. Crow: Until one of the Three Lights found a brown M&M in the bowl backstage. >"Now my little minions, we are going to have some fun," he said. >Jack was dressed like a roadie, and stood there waiting. Pulling >out a deck of possessed playing cards, he set them on a speaker >and left them there. Just then he was called to help out with >setting up the speakers and amps. Tom: Hurry up, if we're late I don't get to test the drums! Joel: We gotta see if these speakers go all the way up to 11! >---------------- >Scene: the Three Lights dressing room. >The Three Lights were getting ready for the concert, one had on >a red suit with a black shirt, yellow tie and a red rose. He has >black hair in a long ponytail, blue eyes and was wearing platinum >crescent shaped earrings. Joel: That's an... interesting look, Mamoru. Tom: Garth Brooks tries to re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-reinvent himself. >Another was in a yellow suit with a gray shirt and a blue tie. He >had a white rose was in his lapel, also he had brown hair in a >long ponytail like the first and violet eyes. Crow: Are you sure we're looking at the Three Lights, or did they just find a niche as the Japanese "Banana Splits"? >The last one was very cute, he was dressed in a gray suit with a >blue shirt and a red tie. He had platinum blond hair in a long >ponytail like the others and light green eyes. Tom: The Nermal of the group. Crow: He sounds more like a random ganguro from Kyoto. >"Well, I'm ready for this concert," he said to the others, as they >nodded. Quiet as it was, they loved the roar of the crowd and the >girls screaming their names. >"Let's give them a show, they'll never forget," said the black >haired one. Joel: And now Ladies and Gentlemen... A Flock of Bishounen! >Scene: Saotome manor. >Ranma was dressed in a sleeveless, silk shirt, black slacks and >black hiking boots. His hair was tied up into a ponytail, which >went down past his shoulders. The martial artist then slipped on >one of his golden bracers and as he was about to slip on the left >one, when he saw something that wasn't there before. Crow: For you see, Ranma had no clue when he'd stop growing testicles all over his body... Tom: Well at least I'll get a choice role in 'Deuce Bigelow 3: You Only Have Yourselves To Blame'. >A tattooed forearm band almost to the middle of it. It was the >Queen of all suits, `how did I get this?' the martial artist >thought. Crow: That quickie marriage to George Zimmer may have been the culprit. I guarantee it. >Just then there was a knock on his bedroom door. "Ranma, Usagi >and the others are here," Nodoka said. Walking out of his room, >he then went down to see them. Tom: Mother dear, why are you announcing them? Where did the butler go? And the chambermaid, and the alternate butler, and the moronic itinerant robot you bought on a drunken eBay binge? Crow: Bite my shiny metal ass. >The girls were dressed nicely, but there was one extra it was >Setsuna. "I didn't know you liked this kind of music," he joked >with a smirk on his face. Joel: Actually, I just want to smoke pot and get pawed. >"Well I do a little," the Senshi of Pluto said with a blush on her >face. They laughed and got into the car to ride down to the concert. Joel: You don't mind splitting the fare, right? >Scene: Inside of the car. >"Ranma, do it please?" begged Usagi. Setsuna was a little confused. >"Do what?" she queried. Crow: You be Charlie Sheen and I'll be Kristy Swanson. Tom: OK, I'll dial up Heidi Fleiss while you go swishing down the ice with celebrities. Don't wait up! >Then she was told Ranma wrote a song about the Three Lights and >that he was kidding about them. "Oh, sing it Ranma," Sestuna >requested softly with a smile. >He sighed and smiled, "Alright." Crow: Well, you know, this was originally written for the Wiggles... until those pommy bastards didn't see the neat crayon drawing I sent them. ROT IN HELL, AUSTRALIAN GITS!! >Get up on your feet Put your hands together. >Sing along with Three count we'll party up forever. >We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too. Sailor Moon is kinda cute, we >watch TRL on Asian MTV everybody Three count One, Two, >Three! One...two...threeeeee!!! Crow: The tender love theme from 'One Night in Chyna'. Tom: Oh God, I didn't edit his settings right... waaaaaaay too much idiot in him still. >Put your hands together. Get up on your feet Sing along with Three >count. Tom: Oh shoot, I didn't realize you were all still in the car and you'd hit your heads, that was never my intention and I feel badly and I hope that I didn't hurt you even by insinuating for you to get up and... >They laughed and enjoyed the ride to the concert. Everyone was >having a good time and Ranma and the girls were in the front row. >Search for your love... >Search for your love, search for your love... Joel: SPOCKKKKKKKK!!! Tom: Settle for your wife. Crow: Settle for your internet. >You have always been shining so brightly >Your smiling face is just like a tiny star >I have been treasuring it Tom: Even though it burned out many years ago... Crow: Please make sure you are reading at roughly 148 beats per minute. Thankyew. >(Eternal starlight) >On that day I could not come and protect you >I just held my tears of regret inside >I am still feeling the pain (I won't forget you, sweetheart) Tom: I would've saved ya but who am I to deny the world of wonderful me? That's just plain selfish of you! >Search for your love, the crystals of the heavens >Search for your love, please don't start to cry >Search for your love, I really >Want to hold you close to me now Crow: Is this Ranma "Love the One You're With" Saotome espousing the "searching" method? Joel: This isn't Ranma singing... this is the Three Stars concert. Tom: Wha...what? You can't be serious! Where did the first goofy song end and the next goofy song begin? Crow: Stupid story! Be more sensical and go get some freaking narrative continuity! >Your strong scent, I'm always (searching for it) >Can you hear my voice calling out? (I love you so) >Where are you now? (Moonlight Princess) >My lovely princess Joel: Once I find it (your strong scent) / I'll get you some Arrid (and rub it in good.) >Answer me, answer for me >Right away, answer for me >Answer me, answer for me >So gently, answer for me Crow: Who penned these lines, a rabid Alex Trebek? Tom: The story is not so much searching for a girlfriend as requesting a receptionist. >Running through the distant night sky >Now I make a wish on a shooting star >Whispering I want to be with you (Please tell this to her, >starlight) Tom: I've never seen a song with such a sustained chorus. It must take about twenty-three hours to sing all the way through. Joel: Hey author, you'd better be careful... L. Ron Hubbard's taking notes for a new dogma. >As time passes by, we become adults >I have finally realized that >The broken pieces are not enough (Please stay by my side, >sweetheart) Crow: Why, so you can whine your ass off to her about a considerably inflated one night stand that went bad? Tom: The Three Lights misunderstood the question... when asked "how many verses", they somehow answered "free". >Search for your love, on the silver ocean >Search for your love, the ship floats adrift >Search for your love, in this madness >It will be swept out to you Crow: And towed at your own personal expense. Joel: This isn't so much a coda as it is an aria. >Your strong scent, I'm always (searching for it) >Can you hear my voice calling out? (I love you so) >Where are you now? (Moonlight Princess) >My lovely princess Joel: She lived happily ever after... with the dragon. >Answer me, answer for me >Right away, answer for me >Answer me, answer for me >So gently, answer for me >Answer me, answer for me >Right away, answer for me >Answer me, answer for me >So gently, answer for me All: Believe it or not, George isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep.... >The black haired light saw Usagi as they sung their trademark song. >He saw her sitting with a young man with black hair and a great >body. Smiling, he was enjoying their music. Joel: My shake is blue, yet it tastes like... nothing... yay, this music is GREAT! Zzzzzz... >Ranma bent over to whisper something in Usagi's ear. "Those the >guys you were telling me about?" he whispered and she nodded. Crow: And I have to do what to their WHAT?!? Tom: Ranma, you knew that you'd have to be sticking your manly bits into more than a few sticky situations... we still have two guardian cats you keep ignoring too. >He smiled, just then he felt that something was wrong. Ranma >looked up and saw a card yoma push the black haired singer >off of the stage. Crow: Time for your bodysurfing lesson! Lesson 1: Make sure somebody catches you! Bwahahaha!! >"SHIT!" Ranma exclaimed as he shot up, jumping over the guardrail >and making a diving catch. The martial artist slid with the pop star >in his arms and then rolled up, the singer looked up at him amazed >by his strength and speed. His heart was beating so fast as Ranma >held the singer against himself. Joel: Ranma made sure to put his elbow in the singer's mouth for maximum muting. >The martial artist looked up and saw the card yoma he cursed because >it was a spade yoma. He put the singer down and told him to get >everyone out of the area. Tom: And now our final performer of the evening, ladies and gentlemen! Fred Durst! >Then he leapt on to the stage, somehow transforming into a black >trench coat, black shirt, kung-fu pants, black hiking boots, and >black gloves all inside a column of silver light. Completing the >ensemble was a black mask covering the upper portion of his >head. [1] Joel: El Santo went Goth!? Say it ain't so! Crow: I can only gape in wonderment... can the footnote actually be goofier than the fanfic? >Then he started fighting off yomas that were attacking the other >two. Tom: The crowd took the cue from the youmas and surged forward... there would be no way this band would leave with their lives intact. >"Earthquake punch!" he said as he hit the stage with his fist. It >shook under the yomas and knocked them up in to the air. Ranma >made like he had a bow and started to fire arrows. "Ki arrows!" he >yelled as he fired quickly taking the yomas out. Crow: Oh crap, he's got the power of plot contrivance! Every facecard for themselves, and declarer take the hindmost! >Stepping back stage, the Three Lights started their own >transformations. >"FIGHTER STAR POWER!" >"MAKER STAR POWER!" >"HEALER STAR POWER! >"MAKE UP!" they said in unison. Tom: Tonight, on A Very Special 'Extreme Makeover'.... Joel: Wouldn't it be absolutely hilarious if they ended up as ZZTop? >With the transformations complete, the Three Lights transformed >into the Sailor Starlights. Their tiara's were beaded, and featured >a five-pointed gold star resting on the forehead. All three >Starlights wore star earrings, one in each ear: a golden, >five-pointed star, which matched the stars on their foreheads. Crow: Oh don't tell me, each Senshi had a star upon thars? Joel: With three more Scouts out, they started to bout... With all the Scouts out and starting to bout the MSTers were left to scream and shout. And it was a shout about Scout out-bout. >The breasts were covered with a black leather halter top. Around >the neck was a black sailor collar. Tom: Starlight's costuming provided by Lash's Palace of Pain. Bruising your pride among other things since 1981. >On the center of their chest was a centerpiece like the other >Senshi's but different, it was a star brooch with wings. The >midriff was exposed, but two beaded belts were twisted around >the waist, fastened by a five-pointed star on the stomach. Joel: I can't tell who spent more time on their craft... the songwriters, or the seamstresses. Crow: Sheesh, by the time they finish describing the outfits, it'll be Sailor Moon 4200! >Finishing up their costumes, were short leather hot pants instead >of a skirt, and then leather gloves and boots which extended >above their knees. Tom: They haven't even sweated yet and I can already smell french fries. Crow: Dammit, I came for bubblegum pop, not goth Rockettes! >Upon stepping out to help in the battle, they were attacked by a >yoma that looked like a one-eyed Jack in a deck of cards. Joel: He was rather easy though.... as a refugee from a blackjack table, he just kept asking to get a hit. >"Hello girls!" it said, catching them by surprise. Then the creature >hit them with beams and turned them into playing cards. Crow: Three Lights... Three Loads is more like it. Tom: I'm so grateful to have learned something from this fanfic... "Transformation sequences exist to make pretty playing cards." >--------------- >Scene: with Ranma. >Ranma and the Senshi where kicking ass and taking names. Then >someone came out Tom: Barry Manilow! The crowd panicked! The cards cut out! The Scouts decided to explore the possibility of running for their freaking lives! >it was the Jack yoma and he showed that he had the Starlights as >playing cards. Ranma was mad, "Alright who are you joker?" he >asked angrily. Crow: I dance with the devil in the pale moonlight... especially when he plays 52-Card Pickup. >That kind of pissed the yoma was mad, "How dare you consider me as >that clown?" he demanded, wondering what fried human tasted like. Joel: Chicken? Ah man, everything tastes like chicken! Even chicken! >"I am Jack's Knight," introducing himself, as he pulled out his >sword and begun to attack. "JACK'S SLICER!" crescents beams of >energy were thrown at Ranma and the rest of the remaining Senshi. Joel: He's possessed Speedy Cerviche! Crow: It's Party Time, YEAH! >Everyone one of them missed however due to the Senshi and Ranma >dodging frantically. Tom: Best way to block is no be there. And have opponent that just stand there and let crap be beaten out of him. >"ROARING LION'S BEAM!" screamed Ranma, as a huge blast of magical >energy flowed out of his hands. It hit Jack's Knight knocking him >back in to a drum kit, causing the drum set to fall on top of the >enraged yoma. Joel: There's a drum set? On stage? Talk about completely unnecessary... >"Usagi, come with me! You too, Pluto! Everyone else buy us some >time!" Ranma ordered, leaving the others to deal with Jack's Knight. Crow: Gee, Ranma, why not just freeze time by pulling some more ki out of your ass? Tom: Two minutes later, Ranma returned to find Jack playing solitaire. >---------- >Scene: With Ranma, Pluto and Mercury. >Getting away from the battle, Ranma lead both Pluto and Usagi into >the Lights dressing room. "Okay off with you panties, Usagi," he >ordered with a blush. Joel: I think Ranma has the whole 'groupies' idea misunderstood. Crow: Dammit Usagi, if you'd go commando like I suggested, we could gain an extra five to seven seconds easy! >"WHAT?" Usagi screamed and blushed profusely. Therefore Pluto, >knowing that Usagi needed her power back, explained it to her that >Ranma was going to give her the power to transform back and also >give her a boost as well. However to do that he had to have sex >with her. Tom: Couldn't he just give me a Nintendo? Crow: Y'know, this sounds like the setup to one of those annoying and inappropriate Red Bull commercials. >"Be lucky, I was his first," Pluto said with a deep crimson blush >on her face, "he is very good, although a bit inexperienced..." Crow: Fortunately the bleeding's almost stopped. Joel: But but but..... according to those public service commercials, if I sleep with Ranma then I sleep with Pluto! Eww, I'm so confused! >Gasping in shock, she took off her panties a bit slowly, but before >Ranma did anything, she had to ask him one thing. Tom: Herpes twice and the clap. Eyyyyy! >"Would you love me?" Usagi asked, fearful that she would be >unloved. Even though her mother had said they would be bonded, >she still was afraid. Looking at her, Ranma raised an eyebrow in >questioning. "I don't know if I could have sex with anyone that >doesn't love me," Usagi said seriously. Crow: I'll love you from now until the end of my orgasm! >Ranma's look softened and he nodded his head. "I think I can love >you," the martial artist said and gave her a kiss. Tom: I'll give it serious consideration while I'm plowing Pluto. >Then Ranma gently took Usagi to the floor and pulled her skirt off, >placing soft and gentle kisses on her lips. Joel: Mind if I wear this while we do it? My girl side kinda warped me. >It was far different from what he had done with Pluto. He wanted >to make Usagi feel loved and needed, not like some cheap two >cent whore. Crow: Ho-baiting is cruise control for cool. Tom: At least he had the decency to do Pluto in a men's bathroom where there was a modicum of privacy. Here, backstage, random roadies shout their encouragement. >Usagi on the other hand was moaning softly from the kisses. She >then started to return the kisses as Ranma placed himself inside >her gently. As she got closer to climax, she was almost screaming >`more' and `deeper', as she was really enjoying him. Joel: While Ranma was frantically digging in his pockets for a couple of singles. >"Please give it to me, onegai…" [2] Usagi begged softly and >lovingly into Ranma's ear. >"I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you Usagi," said Pluto after she bit >her ear. Crow: After he called me a two cent whore, how could I NOT join in? Whee! >"Doesn't she make the cutest little sounds Plu?" Ranma asked, Pluto >just nodded. >"GIVE IT TO ME! PLEASE GIVE IT TO ME!" Usagi screamed as >she climaxed. >"Do it Ranma. Give it to her," Pluto said softly. Joel: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz, huh, what? You two still here? >Therefore after a couple of more thrusts Ranma came inside of her. >After they finished, the both of them got up and ready to fight. >Usagi pulled up her panties and then put back on her skirt. Tom: Truly the feel good lemon of the year. Crow: See? SEE, Pluto!? Usagi remembered to pull up HER panties, that's why you're a slut! SLUT! >"MOON ETERNAL POWER MAKEUP!!" she yelled out, and her >transformation took place. However it was different this time >around. Instead of just the bows wrapping around her body, she had >a silver column of energy surround her as well, which identified >her new powered up state. Joel: And that was how you were born, Chibi-usa. Now don't you DARE believe boys ever again! >She still looked the same, but there was an aura of power that >wasn't there before. Tom: Which the local furniture was glad to sing and dance about, in high annoying voices. Crow: I shudder to think of the 'Sailor Moon Says' for this episode. >"Ok… let's go…" Eternal Moon said with a bright smile on her face. >Walking out of the dressing room, they headed for the stage. On the >way, Ranma had seen a guitar and grabbed it. Tom: Oh Lordy... Hey Ranma, you're not Slash or Flea or even the Edge. Joel: ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME!? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!? Crow: I wanna rock. >------------- >Scene: with Jack's Knight >Jack's Knight was having fun trying to take out the Senshi with card >minions. Spades were being tossed everywhere and exploding on >contact with whatever they hit. He started to laugh manically, "RUN >SAILOR FAILURES! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Crow: This district is for adults only! I'm afraid I'll have to CARD you! Mwahahahahahaha!!! Joel: Hit the road, Jack! I just double downed with these girls and upped their ante! >As he was about to attack again, he heard a voice coming from >behind him. Tom: Look Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. >"That's quite enough!" the voice said. This caused everyone present >to look over in the direction it came from. What they saw was >Pluto, Ranma and… "ETERNAL SAILOR MOON!" said the Senshi in >relief, knowing that their `leader' was back. Tom: Meanwhile, Ranma staggered out of the back like a drunk baboon, barely caring where he could get forty or so winks. >"Now it's time for round two..." Ranma stated as he cracked his >knuckles. Energy started to gather around his fists as he prepared >to attack. The energy, silver in color, started to flow around his >arms and fists. Crow: Oh, come on... the 3WA would have defeated this moron by now, rearranged the surrounding city block, AND found a way to make water spout from like three different spots. >"ROARING LION'S BEAM!" Ranma yelled said as Moon performed her >attack also, "SILVER MOON HEART BEAM!" Joel: Okay, guys, that stunned him! I have another attack now and I need an adverb, an action verb, and an expletive. Crow: How about angrily, tearing, and hell? Joel: ANGRILY TEARING UPPERCUT! Take that, you piece of hell! Umm... Venus... no more Mad Libs for you. >As their attacks left their hands, they then combined into one >massive beam of energy and slammed in to Jack's Knight. At the >moment the attack hit Jack's Knight, a black curtain dropped down, >covering them. Crow: Suddenly, thousands of stagehands changed the scenery to clouds and angels. The curtain rose, and Act V: The Death of Jack commenced. Tom: Forsooth, for I bite my thumb with much vim against thee, Jack! Crow: Lo, but I am tired. Have you a Sailor Senshi to spare for me to couple with? >It was like a concert, it was the Senshi Realm. Ranma's voice could >be heard. "One, Two… One two three four!" he said as the curtains >opened. There on a stage was a full band with two huge speakers >behind him. Joel: You're going to try to sing "Wind Beneath Your Wings?" Are you nuts? Crow: I can get to super-high falsetto... I've got more nuts to kick. Kick 'em, won't you? >Jack's Knight was in the middle of them, standing there dumbfounded. >Taking this chance to their advantage, the Senshi started to play >`Step up' by Drowning Poolâ"¢. One, Two, Three - Go! Tom: Oh, come on! This is completely unfair! I can't possibly keep my sanity listening to this! Can't we just Dance Dance Revolution to the death? >Broken, >Yeah, you've been living on the edge of a broken dream. >Nothing, >Yeah, that's the only thing you'll ever take away from me. Crow: Another multi-million dollar singer cries in their sparkling champagne. Joel: Y'know, if I wanted a Josie and the Pussycats fanfic, I'd just go buy an Archie comic. >I'm never gonna stop, >I'm never gonna drop, >Ain't no different than it was before. >So take some good advice, >You better stop and think twice, >Before you take your first step, >Out that door. Crow: You hear that, Matt 'Guitar' Murphy? >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down). >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down. Tom: Richard Simmons' new step-aerobics was much higher impact than anyone first thought. >You had your chance to walk away. >Live to see another day. Crow: Thirty-three episodes had yet to play, now your bloody corpse has no say. >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down). >You're gonna get knocked down... >Aaaaah... Joel: There's a reason this band is known as the Cabbage Heads... tomatoes only stain, they don't do permanent damage. >Suffering, >Yeah, that's the only thing here that's left for you. >Nothing, >Yeah, that's the only thing you're ever gonna -- do. Tom: Especially if poor Jack's Knight was tied to a chair. Of course, if he isn't, all he has to do is just leave the concert hall... >I'm never gonna stop, >I'm never gonna drop, >Ain't no different than it was before. >So take some good advice, >You better stop and think twice, >Before you take your first step, >Out that door. Joel: List! I almost forgot the shopping list! Tom: The story is giving us a clear warning. When Ranma rhymes, people DIE. >So if you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down). >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down. >You had your chance to walk away. >Live to see another day. Crow: But spotting the trains wasn't enough, you just had to play tag with them too!? >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down). >You're gonna get knocked down... >You're gonna get knocked down... Joel: M-Man, I never knew Don Flamenco could be so tough! >And now you've crossed that line... >You must be out your mind. Tom: And now you've attempted to rhyme... and I won't repeat the second lyric. >Go. Crow: Jail. Directly. >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down). >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down. Tom: Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. >You had your chance to walk away. >Live to see another day. Crow: HELLO!? I'm letting you getting away! How long do I have to do this shit before you catch the HINT!? >If you wanna step up (step up), >You're gonna get knocked down (knocked down). >You're gonna get knocked down... Crow: Clearly we have turned the crank to Frank and yanked said crank completely off. Shouldn't we be getting our reward yet? Tom: He's getting knocked down... down... >You're gonna get knocked down (step up). >You're gonna get knocked down... >You're gonna get knocked down (step up). Joel: Remind me never to have Ranma hold my ladder while I paint the ceiling. >You're gonna get knocked... down! Tom: Life is pointless! Slap your waitresses! GOOD NIGHT! Crow: Do you take requests? Like bending over so I can have a clear kick to your butt? Joel: Truly, Ranma and the Ranmettes are the wedding band that all other wedding bands fear to be. >Jack's Knight, during all of this, was being tossed in between to >speakers. Tom: All right! I'm going deaf! Sweet blissful silence at last! >Finally after a lot of punishment, the evil card came out of his >body and Ranma leapt up, guitar and all, and destroyed it. All: El-KaBONNNNNG! >Doing this turned Jack's Knight in to Moon dust. Just then something >was burning on his right middle finger and his left forearm. He >looked at his right hand and saw a ring on his middle finger. It was >platinum with a diamond in it. Joel: Now all he has to do is find the rest of the Planeteers, and I bet we could get some better music at least. >Ranma, upon seeing this, was stunned, "What the…?" he questioned >in surprise, as he looked at the ring. Still staring at the ring, a >note appeared in his hand in a puff of smoke. Crow: Thy haveth mail! Tom: Damn, the RIAA's fast. It's not a subpoena about illegal downloads... but a cease-and-desist letter from ever touching a guitar again. >To: The man in the mask. Crow: Wearing a giant soup tin doesn't make you invincible. Tom: Psst... you may want to check on your E string. And your A string. And your D, G, B, and high E string. Someone mistakenly left them attached to your guitar. >I thank you for freeing me from that evil man; I am forever in your >debt. As payment take my ring, it will not only help you get into >security locked doors but if you press the diamond it will activate >the laser eye. Joel: Warning: Do not activate in vicinity of remaining eye. Crow: Hey, fic... that was really redundant. Any door that Ranma could ever want to get in, all he has to do is knock and say "Senshi Escort Service! Jupiter is hot and ready for you!" and he's in. >A.K.A. `One eyed Jack'. Once again, thank you for freeing me. >Sincerely: Jack's Knight. Tom: Oh, if only we could see a few ring wraiths right about now... >`I'll use it with honor,' Ranma thought, meanwhile the others were >looking at their princess in awe. "Wow, you look awesome!" Venus >gushed. Moon's outfit was the same from before she lost the >Ginzuisho, however the person in it was different. Sailor Moon >sprouted about a foot gained some muscle tone and her bust size >was a little bigger. [3] Crow: Each Senshi is like a camel. They store their power in their chest humps. When they get small or saggy, Ranma will administer more power. Watch out for the spitting, Ranma! >Looking over at Ranma, after complimenting Sailor Moon, they saw >Ranma was about to use the ring to free the Starlight's from their >card prisons. Joel: Ranma's a rebel! He doesn't truck by your musical rules and cares less about stupid continuity! >Concentrating a little bit, Ranma focused on the Starlight's and >released them from their prison. Once they were freed, Ranma >went over and stuck his hand out and helped them up. Crow: Then he knocked them down, heh heh... I am so ashamed. Tom: We heard the... performance back there. Mind keeping the music to the professionals? >"Are you alright?" the masked martial artist asked concernedly. >"Yes," said one of them she had long black hair and blue eyes. The >Starlight was staring at Ranma's own blue eyes and tried to figure >out who this new person was. "Who are you?" asked the platinum >blond. "I'm uh," said Ranma thinking of a good name. Crow: Max Power? Tom: Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute? Joel: Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy? >"I'm…a friend..." he finished lamely as he took off as fast as >could, invoking one of the Umi-sen-ken techniques. This left the >Starlight's trying to figure out where he went but couldn't find >him. Crow: Eww, men pretending to be women, I HATE that! >---------------- >Scene: the side of stage. Joel: Thousands of dead insect, rodent, and bird carcasses attested to the 'effectiveness' of Ranma's singing. Tom: Dammit! My clothes don't fit anymore! I look like I'm trying to smuggle two sandbags out of the door! Won't they just stop bouncing around and just stay STILL?! >However, after making his escape, Ranma fell to his knees. Crow: Usagi's demand of "oral after vaginal" left him slightly nauseous. >The martial artist was feeling drained and couldn't understand why. >It was like someone was trying to tell him to sleep. Joel: What? Sex makes males sleepy? Go on! >This didn't settle well with him, as it seemed his power started to >leave him and caused him to transform back into the clothing he >had worn to the concert. Crow: Wait, let me remember... slacks and a muscle shirt, right? Tom: Hey, I just washed these boxers so why do they suddenly feel so... comfortable? >Luckily the audience had left earlier during the battle, thus not >seeing him transform back into civilian clothing. Thus, Ranma just >fell forward as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Joel: Shouldn't he have a Nestea in his hand first? Crow: And thus ends the first quarter of play. >Ranma had forgotten one important piece of information. Tom: When in doubt, keep breathing. >He had been told he would need to practice with the power and gain >control over it. Ranma had been using the power with wanton abandon >in his fights and now it was taking its toll on his body. Therefore, >he passed out and hit the ground face first with a loud `THUMP!' Crow: Tsk tsk, those martial artists, no stamina at all. >------------- >Scene: Front of the Stage Crow: Ah, the orchestra pit, where the real story begins! Joel: Leonard Bernstein was having a tough time keeping up with all the tempo changes. >The Starlight's still looking around, were approached by the other >Senshi. Greeting long time friends, Sailor Moon and the Inner Senshi >gave the Starlight's a warm welcome. Tom: Prelude to an Evening of Sleepovers, Brad Pitt, and Makeovers. >"Hey long time no see!" Moon said happily to Seiya with a soft >smile. Then she proceeded to greet the other two Starlight's. >"What brings you back to earth?" Venus asked Yaten, smiling a >genuine friendly smile. Joel: Turns out my dreams only got me as far as Trenton. >"Oh we missed you guys, that and we kind of felt a new evil presence >here on earth. Something stronger than Chaos and Galaxia… We thought >you could use some help," Taiki said. >It was then that Pluto heard the `THUMP!' and blinked a bit. Heading >off towards the sound, she let the other Senshi take care of the >Starlight's for the moment. Crow: I'm not sure, but I think another one just bit the dust. >---------- >Scene: Side of the Stage Joel: We gotta hurry it up, guys, the fourth graders are getting antsy. >Pluto walked around looking for the sound of the noise from earlier. >It was then that she tripped over Ranma's unconscious form. Gasping >loudly, she tried to wake him up, but failed miserably. Tom: So Pluto was resigned to kicking him over and over where it counts, hoping to spare the rest of the Senshi the indignity of "powering up". >Ranma for his part looked a bit pale and his skin felt clammy. >Almost as if he had a fever of some sorts, although he didn't seem >to have one. Therefore, being concerned with their new leader, Pluto >went to ask for some help. Crow: Anybody got Kevorkian's number? >----------- >Scene: Front of Stage Joel: All the fanfic's a stage. Tom: And Ranma's the playah. >Walking over to Moon, who had at this point gone to look for Ranma, >was stopped by Pluto. "Come with me… Ranma is unconscious…" she >said in a worried tone of voice. Relaying to Moon that they needed >to attend to him immediately. Tom: Maybe if I get my staff and ram it up his... Crow: Use my wand, the end is curved. >Moon, walking off with Pluto, gave the others a cursory glance and >then hastened her pace towards where Ranma was unconscious. Joel: Geez, are these people that dense? Sam Beckett just jumped out and the program malfunctioned... >-------- >Scene: Side of Stage Tom: Check out THIS side boob. >Pluto hurried Moon along towards where Ranma was. Once there she >showed Moon how bad of shape Ranma was currently in. Frowning, a >tear slipped down the side of her cheek as she knelt by him. Even in >such a short time, she had started to fall in love with Ranma. Crow: Sorry, moron, I'd perform a healing but my crystal is still in your balls. >"Hold on… I will help him…" she said softly, before raising the >locket off of her chest and started the healing spell. Tom: I'm not sure it's been approved for such an off-label purpose. Joel: Mmm Mmm good, Mmm Mmm good, that's what Campbell's soup is.... >"Moon Healing Exhalation…" she whispered softly as the healing magic >took effect. Hoping it would revive Ranma from unconsciousness. Crow: Or at least give her another ride on the Pink Stallion. Tom: Shouldn't that be "Moon Healing Ejaculation"? >It was working, slowly but surely his skin color returned to its >normal sheen, and his breathing evened out. After the spell was >completed, Moon bent down and kissed Ranma on the lips softly. >This gently woke him up to a smiling Sailor Moon. Joel: Uh, could you get your butt outta my face? Tom: This is like Regarding Henry, but without any regard to the audience. >"Morning sleepy head, nice place to fall asleep…" she joked, >giggling at his expense. Ranma just groaned and slowly sat up, >idly wondering how he had gotten onto the floor. Joel: And where'd all this vomit and blood come from? Crow: Oh shit, gravity still works... *THUMP*! >"Ugh… my head… Who hit me with the damned mallet?" he joked a >bit, even though he had a small headache from the severe power >drain and the falling face first into the floor earlier. Joel: Hey guys, I finally found where David Copperfield magicked that disappearing elephant to! I warn you though, if you move me off the hole it'll start smelling up here. >"Don't know, but it would be bad if someone found you here like >this. I will walk out with you…" she said softly, before >de-transforming back into her own street clothing. >Pluto had just left the two lovebirds be, as she herself went back >out to talk to the others. Crow: They have a bright healthy future ahead of them. >---------- >Scene: Front of the Stage >Walking towards the entire group, Pluto smiled at them and nodded >to the Senshi, motioning them off to the side for a moment. >Scene: Side of the Stage Tom: I'd suggest against moshing, guys. If you jump, all you'll land on is one of the two cameras in here. >"I don't suppose they know of Ranma yet do they?" Pluto asked >Mercury. The Senshi in question just shook her head and smiled >slightly. >"No they don't…" she said trailing off, before getting what Pluto >meant. They would have to de-transform to keep the Sailor >Starlight's identities a secret. Crow: That's okay, we already know. It's Penry, the mild-mannered janitor. >"I see you understand. Tell the Lights we have to return to >civilian garb now…" she ordered, before walking off and >de-transforming herself. >Mercury, walking over to the Lights, told them to de-transform as >there would be non-combatants around. Thus they might question as >to why the Senshi were still around, that and it would protect their >identities. Joel: That's fine, guys... I promise that every last one of those non-working prop guitars won't tell a soul. >----------- >Usagi helped Ranma to his feet after a bit of resting. Gently, she >guided him out to the front of the stage where everyone else was. Tom: Venus attempted a slow clap but nothing doing. Crow: Ranma, future harem. Future harem, our enforced yet clueless leader. Joel: Don't worry, we've already handled "enforced yet clueless leader". >Walking out hand-in-hand with Usagi, they made their way back to >his seat. However before they could sit down the lead singer of the >Three Lights said something. "I heard, that someone made a song >for us would you mind coming up and singing it with us?" Seiya >Requested. Crow: Hey guys... right now you're at Hanson-level annoyance, but if you even mouth one word you'll be the Japanese Bee-Gees. AFTER disco died. >Ranma blinked, then blushed as he looked at Usagi. She was smirking >and making a shooing motion with her hands, all the while giggling, >knowing full well the others had probably informed the Lights about >his impromptu song. Tom: See what all those Idol shows led to? Who needs a president when we can vote on talent like THIS! >Sighing softly, he went up on the stage and slipped on a headset. Crow: Ahh... my adoring public... will they never let me rest? >"Ready?" Ranma asked >Three-Lights[4] >Get up on your feet Put your hands together. >Sing along with the Three lights we'll party up forever. Joel: Or at least until we get a contract to appear on The Surreal Life! Crow: YouTube's gonna piss themselves watching this. >We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too. Sailor Moon is kinda cute, we >watch TRL on Asian MTV everybody Three count One, Two, Three! >One...two...threeeeee!!! >Put your hands together. Get up on your feet Sing along with the >Three lights. Tom: Sesame Street's answer to a generation weaned on Naruto. Joel: For the love of GOD, doesn't ANYBODY have any weed to make this tolerable!? >They were really having fun and jamming, then the girls started to >scream when Ranma got on his knee and sang tenderly: Crow: This is going to end with Ranma singing about Macy's Semi-Annual Lincoln's Day sale, isn't it? >"We like `Gatchamen', Sentai too. Sailor Moon is kinda cute..." >Then they got in to it with loud voices: "we watch TRL on Asian >MTV everybody Three count One, Two, Three! >One...two...threeeeee!!!" Joel: Count Von Count gives this fic One, Two, Three Thumbs Up! Ah! Ah! Ah! >------------- >Scene: Three Lights dressing room. Tom: The Lights were silent as they struggled to clean the numerous eggs, tomatoes and numerous body fluids of questionable origin off their costumes. Crow: You may be wondering, where's the extras? Check under the vanity... all 48,000 strong... holding their ears and thinking that the free donuts were DEFINITELY not worth it. >There was a knock on the door and the platinum blond opened it up. >On the other side of the door he saw Ranma and the Senshi standing >there. "Hey guys," said Usagi as she went over and hugged them. >"Hey Odango-atama," Seiya said with affection in his voice. "I want >you to meet my new beau," said Usagi. "This is Ranma Saotome." Tom: Oh heavens above, when he looks at me I get the vapors! Crow: I have not yet begun to defile myself. >"Hi, how ya doin'?" Ranma said with his hand out to shake theirs, a >bit embarrassed. >"New beau?" Seiya questioned Usagi, before looking at Ranma and >smiling a bit. Joel: Yeah, you needed one... your hair was so lifeless and flat without it. Did you borrow one of Mina's? >"I'm Seiya Kou," he introduced himself, while wondering why Ranma >reminded him of someone he knew. Joel: Seiya, he isn't Chief *or* McCloud, so don't even start. Crow: Hey, I remember you... you're William Hung, aren't you? >Usagi just nodded and smiled softly, "Yes," she stated simply. >"Oh… what happened to that Mamoru guy…?" queried Seiya as he stood >there, trying to figure out what this feeling of familiarity was. >"I'm Taiki Kou," the brown haired bassist said, as he shook Ranma's >hand. Tom: Bassist, as in he holds the bass guitar and pretends to strum it occasionally. Joel: I'm in disguise! Shh! Don't tell Usagi! >"I broke up with him again… fortunately though I met Ranma!" she >said with a bright and cheery smile. >"And I'm Yaten Kou," the platinum blond keyboardist said, as he >also shook Ranma's hand with his slim one. Crow: Geez, where are *your* groupies? Even Alice Cooper gets better tail after a concert, and he's pretty much dead. >"It's nice to meet you all." Ranma stated, sweat dropping at >Usagi's statement about being her new beau among other things. Tom: He's also going to paint my kitchen, redecorate my living room and wallpaper the garage! >Sitting down, they started to talk and catch up on old times. For >Ranma, this was a first for him, just sitting down and getting to >know people without them wanting to kill him. Joel: Thank heaven they never pursued that interview-show concept with him on 60 Minutes. Crow: Blunter than Geraldo Rivera, less glib than Jimmy the Greek and inable to leap tall cliches in a single bound! It's Super Insulto Ranma! >About an hour later, the Lights asked if Ranma and the others wanted >to go with them to the after party. Usagi and the Inners as well as >Setsuna nodded enthusiastically. Ranma just nodded and groaned >internally. Tom: After party? Where, in the police station being booked for mass vandalism? Joel: Hey guys, make sure you do a stop on your whirlwind drinking binge at Bill Murray's hotel, really screw him up even more about Japan. >He wasn't much of a party person, mainly because all the parties he >had ever been to, turned out into a brawl of some sort. Although >this party turned out different and he had a great time. Crow: Ranma finally figured out the advantages of disguising... by wearing a lamp shade on his head all night. Joel: Though he had to make up a new name... "John Oates" and "Daryl Hall" only sufficed for two of the three. Tom: Oh nice, nice, fic, you spare us the details of a party but was sure to drag us along like a bloated corpse over the last excuse for a scene. >---------------- >Scene: Saotome Manor. All: REDRUM... REDRUM.... >Ranma came in with Usagi, taking off their shoes upon entering the >house, Tom: Nodoka's ambition to build a lava pit in the living room came with express instructions that EVERYONE must cross it barefoot. >Ranma leaned over and kissed Usagi on the lips and blushed >profusely. The martial artist was still trying to get used to >showing affection like this. Still it was nice that Usagi wouldn't >hit him and openly returned the affection as well. Crow: The moon princess was still trying to get used to being with someone her own age. Still, it was nice that Ranma wouldn't dress her like Strawberry Shortcake and engage in dirty berry talk. >Upon entering the living room, he noticed that Elizabeth was awake, >that and was looking at Ranma with a bit of lust in her eyes. Joel: So THAT'S what happened to Elizabeth Berkley! >"Is Usagi-san staying tonight?" she queried. Ranma just nodded and >told her to get Usagi some pajamas. Crow: Something light and uncomplicated. I hate complex lingerie. Tom: So raping her and changing her DNA wasn't enough, now she's his live-in maid! >Pouting softly, she went to get the clothing for the blond girl. >Really wanting to have Ranma all to herself tonight. Meanwhile >Usagi called her parents and told them that she was staying with >a friend and that she was alright. Wishing them good night, Usagi >went to take a bath. Joel: It's just a little threesome, mom. Yes, I'll be home before midnight! Tom: On her way in, she overheard Ranma muttering about his mother... >------------------ >Scene: the bath. Crow: AHHH! There's a drowned woman in the bath! Joel: Oh, that's just Glen Close, don't worry, she'll surface eventually. >Ranma was in the bath relaxing and looking at his left forearm. >There was a new tattoo; it was the Jack of suits. Tom: Hail to the King of Suede, baby. >It was above the Queen of suits, he looked at them and softly >rubbed them. `What's with these tatts?' Ranma thought idly to >himself. Crow: Someone's been playing Solitaire on my arm, and I'm gonna find out who! >However he was interrupted when Usagi came into the bath. All: CANNONBALL!! >She was in a demi bra and bikini style panties. Taking them off, >she then let her hair down and got in with him, "Uh hi..." he said >nervously, looking at her and gulping. Crow: Umm... what is that? Joel: An Everlast chastity belt. My father's stipulation for me spending the night. Crow: Call the Locksmith! >"I hope you don't mind me bathing with you?" Usagi questioned >softly. A slight blush crossed her features as she remembered what >she and Ranma had done earlier that day. He had taken her virginity >and made her feel so loved, she hoped he would do more of that >tonight. Ranma shook his head she smiled and snuggled against him. Crow: You do know that I have to do like seven more of you guys, right? Tom: Repressrepessrepressrepressrepress... no problem, Ranma! I know you really love me! >After their bath, they got dressed in their bedclothes. Ranma in a >pair of kick boxing pants and Usagi in one of his T-shirts and a >pair of panties. Joel: Hey, my overnight bag had two pairs of panties in here.... Crow: Sorry, old habits die hard. Got a tampon? >Both of them went to bed and she snuggled against him lovingly, >before the two of them gently started kissing each other and made >love for a couple of hours that night. Tom: It took so long because Usagi found out that the color changes depending on which ball you squeeze. Crow: That's the weirdest Simon game I've ever seen. >End for now. >---------------- Joel: Aww, man... can't we at least see the side of the stage one more time, for nostalgia's sake? >A/N: [1] Ok Ranma needs a transformation to hide his identity. >Especially from the minions of the Dark Kingdom and also his >enemies from Nerima. They won't give up on him, and if they knew >who he was then they would use it against him. Oh and if anyone >wants to know about the mask Think Zorro. It goes over the hair >and ties in the back. Kind of like a bandana or something. Tom: He should have gone the He-Man route... little mustard in the hair and a trip to the tanning salon for the 'Hulk Hogan' special. Crow: Of course, the mask doesn't help if he's the only guy in a twenty-two million-person radius who has three balls. >[2] Onegai is Japanese for please. Just a word that sounded better >than the actual English word. Tom: Just think about it... here in English-speaking countries it's just a banal little word, but in Japan they can actually... own guys! Whoa! >[3] Think Gina Diggers from the Gold Diggers Series. >[4] Parody of Three-Count's ring music by 3-Count. `Duh' Joel: Or think clam diggers and count backwards. Tom: I'd comment on assuming the readers are wrestling fans but then I'd be a hypocrite. D'oh! >The next morning Ranma was up and practicing his use of his new >powers. Crow: Nodoka lay in a dazed and bloody heap on racquetball court #3 as Ranma retired to the conservatory for a glass of water. >He started to transform, "SHIRUBA KENPEI HENSHIN!" Just then his >entire body was covered in a silver beam and it slowly started to >rise and showed his boots, black leather slacks with a platinum belt >buckle and a golden crescent moon on it, a black 'Under Armor' >muscle shirt, black leather gauntlets, and the leather Zorro mask, >then he threw his arms up and the black trench coat slipped on him. Joel: His belt buckle rivaled manhole covers for sheer size and ironically enough, style sense. >He was complete and was ready to practice, he charged up and aimed >at a target. "SHIRUBA BLASTER!" Crow: The duck, the dog, the NES, and the twenty-inch Magnavox never knew what hit 'em. >A huge silver beam left his hands and hit the target, destroying it. >Then he pulled out his weapon, Tom: ... a big guitar. Soon everyone was in mortal agony, counting the very seconds toward their blissful destruction. >he made a face at it. Be cause all his life he hadn't has to use a >weapon and now he does. Crow: It's already out of the box so no collective value anymore... Tom: What weapon? All his transformation contained was an outfit. Unless the belt buckle doubles as a razor-edged Frisbee. >It is of a very beautiful rapier it was gold, silver and platinum. Tom: It's the only sword that depends on heavy metal toxicity as opposed to actual cutting to dispatch its victims. >He took it and got ready to use it; he turned once and used a >chestnut punch weapon version attack. "SHIRUBA FURASSHU NO >HANDO!" Crow: Yet the pickle jar still stood, inscrutable... unbreakable... and still extremely sealed. >He attacked the training dummy and turned it to dust. Joel: Wow, murder is awesome! Tom: The training dummy got its revenge on Ranma's sinuses. Joel: Curses, foiled again! Ha-CHOO! >Just then he heard some behind him and quickly looked to see Usagi >clapping her hands. She was dressed in a light blue shirt, slacks >and slippers. "Your mother said I could wear these. Since you lost >your curse." She said her hair was down as well. Crow: Don't! The clothes are cursed! Every girl who ever wore them had their femininity taken away by PLOT CONTRIVANCE!! >He chuckled and nodded. "You can have them if you want." He >said as he put up his rapier and deformed. Joel: Soon, all that was left was a vaguely Ranma-flavored Jell-O in the center of the room. Bots: There's always room for R-A-N-M-A! >She went into his arms and hugged him tightly. "Good morning, >Usagi-chan." >(Cue theme) All: Lookit what's happened to mee--eee, I can't believe it my-self... suddenly I'm up on top-of-the-world, it should've been somebody ellllllse... >Wild Senshi >Chapter 3: School Daze Crow: Ranma screams, the windows break, just your typical teenage angst dressed up in a muscle shirt and slacks. >In Marik's base he was pissed, two of his powerful warriors failed >him. "KING'S KNIGHT! ACE KNIGHT! 10TH KNIGHT FRONT >AND CENTER!" Tom: Great, more guard bots. Joel: I desire more cannon fodder! Operation Throwaway goes well. Crow: Why doesn't he just call in Bobby Knight, arm him with chairs, and just sit back and enjoy? >He screamed, just then three knights came out.A male and two >females, they were all dressed in armor. "Since your team mates >have failed you three will go out there and finish the job and >don't come back until you have that crystal!" Joel: Well, you can't say Marik doesn't show confidence in his troops. Crow: I'm rooting for them. If only to find out exactly how they'd obtain the crystal from Ranma. >"Yes my Pharaoh." They said and disappeared, the next morning. >Ranma's transfer had come in and he was accepted in Juubahn High. >So he was introduced to the school along with another student and >two new teachers. Tom: More cast members. It's a RPG in the making. >The new student was standing next to Ranma and felt the energy from >the crystal coming from him. Crow: Sorry, shouldn't have set my crotch on vibrate. >"Students, I'd like to introduce to you our new students. Ranma >Saotome and Hitomi Kishi." Said the principal, they stood and >bowed. "Also these are the new gym coach Ouja Naito and our new >history teacher, Juu Hatsu." Hitomi was a very beautiful young >woman, she had long silver hair and blue eyes, and she was dressed >in the school uniform. Coach Naito was in a blue track-suit had >short black hair and brown eyes. Joel: He taught them to respect the game... and to respect themselves... then he killed them. Tom: You know, abuses like these could be avoided if the principal actually had to approve their lesson plans... "Kill Ranma" pasted over six periods can get a little bit conspicuous for thirty-five days straight. Crow: Besides, exercising Ranma to death ain't gonna work. Try advanced calculus. >Ms. Hatsu had black hair in a bun and hazel eyes and was dressed in >a blouse, mini skirt, stockings and high heel boots. [1] Tom: Your new teacher comes with a purse full of condoms, many books to lay on, a desk full of condoms, complimentary fetishwear... and more condoms. >After school Ms. Hatsu had held Ranma and Usagi in her class as >they were waiting, the others were waiting on them to get out. Crow: Yeah, you heard me. Gimme all your money! These teaching wages suck. Joel: And the hostage negotiations continued into the night. >Just then they run in to Ms. Hatsu but she wasn't dressed the same >way she was earlier. Tom: Ms. Hatsu has watched "Sister Act 2" a few too many times, and needs to find a different habit. >This time her skin was a pale white, her hair was down, her eyes >were gold and glowing and she was dressed in a beautiful kimono >with all of the different suits on it. [2] Crow: *GASP* She's not even Japanese! We must terminate with extreme prejudice! >"Hello girls," she said with a sexy drawl. Just then she tossed out >a handful of cards and they came to life and attacked them. Tom: Careful! They're marked! Joel: Wait, this one is from a lawyer... and this one a drain service... ooh, there's a salon, keep that one! Crow: All this card attack footage and not ONE mention of 'Off with her head!'... >The Sensei had to transform and started to fight them off. >Meanwhile Ranma and Usagi had felt what was going on. Tom: Ranma's Spidey sense was tingling but he had dandruff and couldn't tell from the itching. >"Go, I'll be right behind you." He said to her so she transformed >in Sailor Moon and took off. "Well, here we go! Crow: I've seen larger buildups on my hardwood floors. Tom: Your discussions on the differences between parliamentarianism and republicanism were enlightening! Why did you have to go evil after only one day, Ms. Hatsu!? >SHIRUBA KENPEI HENSHIN!" his entire body was covered in a silver >beam and it slowly started to rise and showed his boots, black >leather slacks with a platinum belt buckle and a golden crescent >moon on it, a black 'Under Armor' muscle shirt, black leather >gauntlets, and the leather Zorro mask, then he threw his arms up >and the black trench coat slipped on him. Joel: I know kung-fu. >Then he headed out to help fight, meanwhile Sailor Moon was fighting >up a storm and she pulled out a silver katana and started slashing >yomas left and right. Tom: Okay, Henny Youngman, enough with the "cutting the cards" bit... my sides are aching. But not as much as my head. Crow: Wow, this is way more fun than changing them into dust! Look at that gore fly! Whee! >Ranma had come up behind Ms. Hatsu and grabbed her. "WHAT THE? >WHO ARE YOU?" She said. >"The Silver Knight and now it's over 10th Knight!" He said and they >went at it. Crow: You'll become one of my victims, like dozens of others all around the Tokyo District! >She pulled out her parasol and started to fight him. Joel: <10th Knight> Mary Poppins! Give me strength! Tom: <10th Knight> Ha ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust! >He ducked and dodged her attacks then he called out his Silver >Rapier. He spun it around with one hand and prepared to fight her. Crow: Ranma makes Errol Flynn look humble. Tom: The problem is that he makes Darkwing Duck look competent. >"Shall we?" He took an elaborate bow with his sword and they went >at it. Blades were hitting each other and sparks were flying. Joel: This was supposed to be the real ending of "Brokeback Mountain" but the wussy filmmakers couldn't muster the courage to show it. >Then he disarmed her and pointed the tip of his sword at her >throat. Crow: Yet Ranma was just disguising his true target, her bra strap. >"I do believe that is check." He said, she got up, flipped away and >grabbed her umbrella. Tom: They're taking Battle Chess to a whole new level. >Then they charged up and hit weapons. Then they disappeared, 10th >Knight was in the middle of a battle field. There was a large bed >with a canopy over it; behind her was Ranma in silver armor. Crow: What is he, Pat Benatar now? Tom: So he has bedroom armor huh? Wonder if it comes in red satin? Crow: If only Lorenna Bobbitt ended up as Ninth Knight, I'd feel much better about the plot. >"Well, looks like I won." Joel: Crap. I guess throwing untrained girls from my harem into battle wasn't such a hot idea. Summon the towel boys! >He slowly walked over to her and she slowly back up. He started to >take off the armor and she bumped into the bed. Crow: Just try Rape for 10 days and if it doesn't satisfy you, we'll give you a Rape, free of charge! Tom: Not only do I fully support the victims, I'm about ready to throw a fund-raiser dinner for all the Knights to pay for counseling and some firearms. Joel: Yeah with Ranma as the table centerpiece with an apple in his mouth. >"You stay there!" She said nervously, she fell on to the bed. The >bottom part of the kimono opened up and revealed her thong panties. Crow: [rolling his eyes] Then the panties lowered themselves while her hair scrunchie bound her wrists, right fanfic? Joel: Don't do it 10th Knight! He's not sponge-worthy! >They were also wet; he slowly stripped her of them and opened up >his slacks. Tom: He's more Cybersex than Cybersix, eh? Crow: <10th Knight> Foreplay, you moron! Foreplay! Even a casual mauling of my boobs would help! >His cock was very large and long, her eyes widened as he slipped >inside of her. "No please don't," she said. He shoved into her and >started to pump in to her. Tom: Then Ranma screamed as he discovered 10th Knight had a second set of teeth in the last place he expected. Crow: <10th Knight> This does nothing for me. Could we possibly try to locate a Dodge Dart and some beer? Lots and lots of beer? >He drove in to her and she felt every inch of it. "Oh, yes, YES >MORE!" She started to turn back, after school Ranma and Usagi >started to leave and Ms. Hatsu had stopped him. Crow: A... a subpoena? But why? Joel: I know, raping me is apparently, like, illegal or some junk! Gah! >"You go on ahead; I'll meet you at the gate." She said. Tom: Gate, mouth of Hell, same diff. Crow: Of course, before Usagi could make it to the gate, she was accosted by a Mamoru who glued two beanbags to his crotch... >"Yes Ms. Hatsu?" He said, she grabbed and kissed him >passionately. "And that was for?" >"Thank you, Mr. Saotome." She said. Crow: All the girls at church would never believe I got a pimp before they did! Yes!! >End for now. Tom: So, let me get this straight... This was actually planned out by the dense Queen of the Moon that Ranma sleeps around so precipitously that Usagi will end up with like five STDs by her first year of high school? Joel: Thank god Ranma's ex-fiancees got out while they could. >Notes: 1. Think Ms. Spencer from Rumble Roses-ed. Crow: No, for my own sanity I'd rather picture Bea Arthur. Joel: Or Dame Edna, that'll learn Ranma. >2. Think Setsuka in Soul Calibur 3 -Ed again Crow: And as the well of footnotes dries up and the tide of narration ebbs, we finally get a chance to Setsuka... I mean, Skedaddle! Oh, darn you, fanfic! Tom: Ranma Saotome will be back in Chapter 4: The Day The Music Died... Again. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater) * * * THE HOLOCABANA "Afternoon, everybody." "JOEL! TOM SERVO! CROOOOW!" The barflies cheered one name after another in union as the bots took a seat in the nearest booth while Joel got the bartender's attention. "Can I get three beers here, please?" "And a bowl of pretzel flavored ramchips!" Crow yelled at Joel before turning his attention back to Tom. "So, as I was saying, if you were Marik, who would YOU send after the senshi next?" "Hmm..." Tom considered the question carefully. "Well, considering Ranma's mother is about the only person he has any real respect for, I'd have 9th Knight or whoever possess Nodoka and pit her against Ranma. That way..." Tom paused and scooted over as Joel placed the beer and bowl of ramchips on the table and took a seat next to him. "That way he couldn't kill her or attempt to... *cough*... 'purge the evil' from her." "Interesting... if I were Ranma... well, I'd turn myself into the authorities... but for the sake of argument, I'd probably debut some new power that lets me pass on my 'purging' abilities to one of my hare... er, senshi teammates. That way the problem is oh-so-conveniently sidestepped and we get hot lesbo action! Woo!" Crow cheered as he grabbed hold of his mug and took a sip. "Personally, I'd just give up." Joel said as he placed a straw in Tom's drink for him to sip. "I mean, Marik already has power and respect and stuff. Why not just be happy with that? Stay alive for once and snicker at all the other so-called world conquerors getting their butt kicked while you're sitting pretty, y'know?" "Oh, please! What self-respecting villain would settle for any less? Did Skeletor spread terror throughout Eternia by sitting on his bony ass? Did Cobra Commander force the creation of G.I. Joe by selling his Rattlers on eBay? Did the Bogeyman scare the piss out of kids one fateful Saturday morning by staying in the closet? Hell no! And besides..." Tom reached for a pretzel. "...villains that try to settle for less usually end up steamrolled by world conquerors on their path to self-destruction anyway!" "Besides, power is like Chinese food, it may satisfy for a little while, but by midnight, you're back to the fridge for leftovers and by 2am, you're ordering... *urp*... pizza," Crow added. "And speaking of power, what about Sailor Moon? She lost her crystal, her command, she has to love and make love to a man who's having sex with all her friends, including her own mother! Not to mention all the girls Ranma will apparently be bringing home now that he's 'cured' them of being UN-human! What a setup!" Tom exclaimed. "Yeah, and Ranma gets off easy..." Crow began. "In more ways than one!" Tom interrupted. "He gets to say sayonara to his old life without a single hitch! Akane? Victim of raging roids and due to spontaneously combust any day now. Curse? Gone like a fart in the wind! Fiancees and friends? A sudden outbreak of mass laryngitis! Genma? A complete and total bastard that's OBVIOUSLY responsible for all of Ranma's woes and by god, if I were Nodoka, I'd have left his ass after the conception!" Tom finished as he gasped for breath. "Whoa, easy there, Tom. You've blown off steam, now try relaxing for a while," Joel gently chided. "Yeah, what's say we sing some kareoke? Hey, Magic Voice, serve us up a little 'Three Count', would ya?" "NOOOOO!" Joel and Tom moaned in unison as Crow rushed up on a nearby stage and began wailing into a microphone. "Magic Voice, discontinue hologram of kareoke stage!" Joel quickly exclaimed. A moment later, the stage faded out of existence causing Crow to fall through and fall in a heap on the floor. "Spoilsport." Crow pretended to pout as he got back up and returned to the booth. "Well, what do YOU want to do to relax then? Play darts? Shoot pool? Toss a little person? "Uh, how 'bout we just drink some beer and relax?" Joel suggested. "Borrr-ing! I'm going to write naughty stuff in the bathroom!" Crow exclaimed as he left the booth again. "Wish I could do that," Tom muttered as he took a long draw of his beer. * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Forrester sighed wistfully as he sat at the console, his chin resting on one hand. "Ah, Joel... I really thought I had you this time... oh well, another day, another hundred thousand fanfics to choose from..." Upon hearing the clinking of bottles behind him, Dr. Forrester turned around to see Frank with two beers under one arm and a half-eaten bag of cheese popcorn in the other. "Hey Steve, ready for a twelve hour marathon of 'Laguna Beach'?" Frank inquired cheerfully as he held up a pair of carefully labeled VHS tapes in his hand. "Geez Frank, not on camera!" A panicked Dr. Forrester hissed as he frantically stabbed the button. ...AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome. (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) I've been MSTing for over nine years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who's in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing are always appriciated and for making the MSTing process so much fun! :) - Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings 'Dragon of the Night' and 'Friends, Family and San Francisco'. Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his latest works, you can reach him at gary@garykleppe.org or his webpage at http://www.garykleppe.org/comics.html and I'm sure he'll be happy to send any stories along to you. Other recent MSTings we've done: - 'My Kid's An Alien!' Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura) - 'Friends, Family and San Francisco' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon) - 'Dragon of the Night' (Naruto) - 'The Light of my Hopes' Pt. 1-4 (Sailor Moon/Gundam Wing/Dragon Ball Z/Escaflowne/Card Captor Sakura/Fushigi Yuugi) ***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed to can be found in the various categories at:*** 'A MSTing for All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst 'Everything What Is Crap!' http://svamcentral.org/ewic/ >Jack's Knight was in the middle of them, standing there dumbfounded. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2006 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics....