(The future isn't what it used to be....)
 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"  (SEASON TWO)

EPISODE 14: RANKO'S LIFE  PT. 1

(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, television
shows, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc....

Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.

"Ranko's Life" is the property of Hitomi Ichinohei and she's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend her for making fun of her work like this but I
figure no one else ever will.  Think of this as another form of C&C.  ;)

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for mature content.
 

SOMEWHERE NEARBY EARTH
03:19 HOURS

 
 "ARM WEAPONS!  PREPARE TO ATTACK!"

 The cold unforgiving vacuum of space prevented the words
from being heard, even if they could have penetrated the hull of the ship
it came from.  And it was a good thing, considering the countless
life-forms that were about to die....

 The Satellite of Hate loomed ever closer to the planet.  Its
dog-bone shape was marred in the middle by a enormous and hideous
eyeball window in its center.  The satellite then began to slowly transform,
splitting the dog-bone shape into an X-wing configuration, each wing armed
with the latest in offensive weaponry.

 Inside the Satellite, the bridge was a beehive of activity.  Tom
Servo hovered over the target sensors, his recent blue paint job dripping
on the floor below, as he carefully monitored the power levels of the
cannons, making sure they wouldn't overload during this critical
moment.

 Meanwhile Crow B. Robot sat at his communications console,
quickly and efficiently intercepting all transmissions from Earth to fire
their nuclear weapons and jamming them.  By the time the Earth figured
out what was happening, it would be dusted like bundt cake....

 Joel had an evil smile on his face as he rose from his command
chair, taking a moment to straighten out the wrinkles on his jet-black
jumpsuit.  "Distance to target, Mr. Robot!"  Joel snapped.

 "Approximately 100 kilometers, give or take a kellicam...."
Crow answered back.

 Joel nodded and then turned towards Tom.  "Target analysis,
Mr. Servo!"

 Tom turned to face him.  "The Earth has considerable defenses
but their communications and surveillance technology is hopelessly
primitive, compared to our own.  We can jam all their equipment and
take apart the planet at our leisure."

 Joel's smile grew wider.  "Excellent!  Cambot, give me Rocket
Number 666!"
 
 The image of the Earth slowly came into view.  A swirling
mass of water with large tracts of dirt for which the planet was named
after.  It represented the essence of nature.  Life and creation.  Joel
gazed upon this image for a long moment as these thoughts ran through
his mind, encouraging him to see the true beauty and majesty of his
homeworld.

 "WASTE THE BASTARDS!!!"

 The Satellite shuddered for a moment as most of its power was
sent to the weapons array and then slammed through the cannons like a
slam dunk through a basketball hoop.  Four orange lines appeared on the
viewscreen and wasted little time in slamming against the planet.

 Little dustclouds could be seen coming up from the surface
where the cannon fire struck, instantly reminding Joel of Wile E.
Coyote's demise when he fell from the cliff time and again, and causing
him to laugh out loud.

 "Shall I fire again?"  Tom inquired.

 "Yeah!  In fact, I have some words I need you to carve for me...."

 Within the next hour, the Earth now sported several deep
crevices in the form of sentences such as "Joel was born here!" in
America.  "Megane 6.7 was born here!" in Canada.  "Cowards!" in
France and even the Moon now sported the entire "On behalf of the Moon"
speech of Sailor Moon, along with mile-long nude sculptures of cute babes
from various animes, plastered all over the surface.  Joel then asked Tom
to write "Welcome Home!" all over Japan.

 "But why?"  A confused Tom asked.

 "Don't you remember the ending to Gunbuster: Aim for the
Top"?  Well now, we're going to make it a reality!  Right down to the
backwards *E*!  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
 
 As Tom began programming the lasers to do Joel's bidding,
Crow abandoned his post for a moment and tried to get Joel's attention.
Not an easy task, since Joel was currently drooling over an image of the
Dominion Puma Twins performing a explicit sex act nearby the Sea of
Tranquillity.
 
 "Joel?  Joel!  JOEL!!!"  Crow roared impatiently.

 "Huh? Oh, what is it!"  Joel replied with annoyance.  Can't you
see I'm trying to admire my latest masterpiece...."

 "*MY* latest masterpiece, Joel."  Tom interrupted.  "You think
em up but I'm the only one who know how to program the cannons right
to do it...."

 "Yeah, whatever.  Anyway, what is it, Crow?"  Joel replied.

 "I was just wondering how long we can get away with this
before Dr. Frank regains control of the weapons systems...."  Crow
began.

 "No way!"  Joel interrupted confidently.  "Dr. Wide-Ass has
as much change of getting control back as...."

  Suddenly the satellite shuddered again and the sound of the
weapons powering down could be heard.  Joel looked around wildly, his
eyes wide with disbelief as Crow sighed and remarked.

 "...as us getting down from this satellite?"

 "Hey, look at that!"  Tom suddenly exclaimed.  "Joel and Crow
turned their attention back to the viewscreen and were stunned to see
what appeared to be a small golden cloud rising into orbit from Earth's sky.

 "G... Goku?"  Joel stammered in disbelief.

 The cloud continued its steep climb until it was practically nose
to nose with the Satellite of Hate.  Then a beam of intense light shot out
from the cloud, blinding Joel and overloading the robots sensors for a
few moments.  When the light faded, Dr. Frank was sitting down in the
command chair, sporting a Final Fantasy VII *Cloud* hairdo, looking
calm and at peace.

 "Good morning, boys...."  Dr. Frank began.

 "YOU!!!"  Joel screamed a second before rushing towards the
chair to throttle him....

 ...only to pass right through him as he discovered too late that
the doctor was nothing more than a hologram.  Dr. Frank's expression
remained impassive as ever as he continued.

 "As you've no doubt surmised.  I've taken steps to insure my
transmissions to you continue to get through until I've regained control
of communications of the satellite.  I must say, I'm quite upset with you
boys for what you've done...."

 "Yeah, well maybe if you hadn't trapped us here in the first
place...."  Tom began.

 "...but I'm willing to forgive you.  After all, that's why I sent
you up there, to be molded into model citizen pacifists such as myself."
Dr. Frank continued without missing a beat.  "Now, let's see your invention
exchange for this week.  Come on, now!"

 Joel muttered something under his breath before reaching
behind the command chair to pull out what appeared to be a sun visor,
one of those dorky hats that card dealers wear to protect their supposedly
ultra sensitive eyeballs from the harsh glare of the casino lights.

 "I invented this for the struggling ski-mask wearing youths of
today who need some spending money for the summer.  It's a sun visor
with a special, highly reflective surface that catches the light of the sun
and instantly blinds anyone who even glances in your direction, not only
giving you plenty of time to rob them, but keeping the cops at bay."
 
 "It also comes with a comfort strip on the inside so your forehead
doesn't burn."  Tom added.

 "How... creative of you."  Dr. Frank replied with obvious disdain.
"But what if your victim is wearing sunglasses?"

 Joel grinned.  "Unless they want them to melt on their face,
they'll take them off pretty damn fast.  Then, they're ripe for the pickings!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
 
 "What do you think, sir?"  Tom asked.

 "Dr. Frank shook his head sadly.  "Boys, boys, boys... This is
not what I'm looking for at all.  Your inventions should create, not
destroy...."

 "But history has taught us that it's always been easier to destroy
than create... I say, why argue with history?"  Tom replied cheerfully.

 
* * *
 

CLOUD 9
 

 "You're going to *BE* history if you keep insulting Dr. F like
that!" TV's Forrester exclaimed angrily as he stormed towards the
viewscreen, only to be gently but firmly restrained by Dr. Frank, the
other wagged his finger from side to side.

 "Now, Forrester, remember what I told you about stooping to
their level...."

 "Sorry, Dr. F... It's just... sorry...."  Forrester turned away from
the doctor, ashamed by his actions.

 "I understand.  Sometimes even *my* patience is tested by
those three.  But the best offense in this case is no defense.  They can't
escape that satellite, no matter how many times they temporarily take
control of the weapons or communications.  There's no heat or energy
shields and without them, they'll never be able to clear the Earth's
atmosphere without burning up first."

 Dr. Frank turned back to the screen.  "I think I can handle our
invention presentation this week, Forrester.  Why don't you have a lie
down and I'll bring you some hot cider later.  Okay?"

 "Okay.  Thanks, Stu."  Forrester replied as he left the room.
Dr. Frank reactivated the audio pickup that he had killed when Forrester
had thrown his temper tantrum.  "Sorry about that.  Now, as for my
invention exchange...."

 Dr. Frank pushed a button on his chair.  A flat projection
screen was slowly lowered behind him, stopping just above his head.
"I presume you've heard of the horror board games that use video
segments such as the *Nightmare* series  and *Atmosfear: The Third
Dimension*?

 "Oh yeah.  Soul Rangers rule."  Crow replied sarcastically.
 
 "Well...."  Dr. Frank continued.  "I decided that it would be
interesting to try and produce the same result with an *anime* theme.
So, with Forrester's help, I've managed to create a plethora of new video
boardgames.  I've got titles like Sailor Moon III: Moonlight Night
Tonight, Bubblegum Crisis X: Priss Forever; Crash Never, Dragon
Ball: Dot-Chan's Dilemma, Ah Megami Sama: Goddesses Get All The
Boys,   No Need for Tenchi V: Pretty Sammy's Sweet Sugary Seaside
Seashore,  Urusei Yatsura II: The Wrath of Henry J. Cobb,  Ranma 1/2
VI: Kasumi and Kodachi: Once and For All...."

 "You wouldn't happen to have 'My Fair Masseuse' in there,
would ya?"  Joel asked.

 Dr. Frank frowned.  "Not as such, Joel.  As I was saying, these
packages would enable you to interact with your favorite anime character
and with the DVD version coming out soon after, each character will
have no less than 20,000 unique segments, allowing for the ultimate in
replay value.  Well, do you like it?"  Dr. Frank asked, leaning forward
expectantly.

 "Uh, one question, Dr. F...."  Tom asked cautiously.  "Are you
using the original Japanese voices for the characters... or the dubs?"

 "Why, neither...."  Frank replied.

 "NEITHER?!?"  Joel and the bots echo.
 
 "Of course not!  All the dialogue on the screen is displayed in
text!  I can't afford to pay voice actors and actresses to produce 20,000
lines of dialogue per character!  It would take years!"

 "D'OH!"  The trio facefaulted.

 
* * *
 

SATELLITE OF HATE
 

 "Are you all right?"  Dr. Frank asked, concern in his voice.

 "Just peachy...."  Crow snapped as everyone rose to their feet.

 "Splendid!"  Dr. Forrester smiled and rubbed his holographic
hands together in anticipation.  "Well boys, your experiment this week
was to have been Zen's dark masterpiece "The Bitter End" but unfortunately
your *Laser Across America* has temporarily shut down all internet
services...."

 "Cool!  Did we nuke AOL?"  Joel inquired.

 "Yes, it's been burned to ashes...."  Dr. Frank replied somberly.

 "WOO HOO!!!"  Joel and the bots cheered.

 "ANYWAY...."  Dr. Frank continued, a bit more stern than he
would have liked.  "I was fortunate enough to keep a backup story from
one of my favorite authors, who's sudden and mysterious disappearance
from the fanfiction world left many questions unanswered....

 Joel and the bots good cheer immediately changed into looks of
sheer horror.  "Y... You don't mean... *HER*... do you?"  Crow asked,
his voice almost a whimper.

 "Why yes!  None other than Ichinohei Hitomi herself!"  Dr.
Frank replied happily.

  There was an extremely short pause as Joel and the bots
wasted little time shrieking in pure horror.

 "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

 "Now, now, maintain low tones."  Dr. Frank admonished the
hysterical trio.  "Hitomi was a wonderful author and though some of
her fanfics were never finished, she made a significant impact on the
FFML and people talk well of her to this day.  Exposing you three to
"Ranko's Life" can only improve your sour dispositions...."

 "So would bringing us back home...."  Joel muttered under his
breath.

 "Well, I have to be going now!  Enjoy the fanfic and be well!"
Dr. Frank said as his holographic image faded from the command chair.
Tom made a disgusted noise in his throat while Crow simply sighed.

 "Maybe we should just charge into the Earth's atmosphere and
hope for the best?"  Joel suggested sarcastically.

 "It's starting to look promising...."  Crow muttered.

 "Trust me, guys.   We wouldn't make it."  Tom replied sadly.
"The satellite's would never survive the...."

 Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.

 "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!"  Crow cried out.

 "Oh Happy Happy, Joy Joy."  Tom replied sarcastically.
 

(Door 6: It's made of flowers.  You smell them, make love, vow to
somehow stop war, then move on.)

(Door 5: It's a mirror.  You play the mirror game with your image until
Harpo and Groucho Marx threaten you with a lawsuit.

(Door 4: It falls away from you, missing your foot completely.)

(Door 3: It's made of Scissors.  You hurl rocks at it until you clear a
path through.)

(Door 2. It's guarded by the Black Knight.  Fortunately his arms and
legs were cut off so he gives you little trouble as you walk by.)

(Door 1: It's permanently open due to rust.)

(Door .7: The camera pans upward where a small hatch falls to the
floor.)

 Joel walks into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow
following close behind.  Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom
from entering the theater on his own, Joel waited for Crow to pass by
him and then he placed Tom down on one of the theater seats and sat
next to him, Crow sitting on Joel's left.
 

>From: Hitomi Ichinohei <hitomi@terminal.autobahn.mb.ca>

 
Tom: I'm afraid the e-mail address's condition is terminal.  It'll have to
be put to sleep.

Crow: Autobahn?  Did Tybalt get pissed off at her or what?

Joel: That would be Auto-Ban. Autobahn is like the German freeway. It
means that her modem can download data as fast as she wants it to.
 

>"Forget it pop!  You're not going to take me down today." said
>the young man confidently
 

Tom: Dr. Frank sent us a Yaoi lemon?!?  What is he thinking!?!

Crow: Oh, behave!
 

>as he countered an inside snake strike to his abdomen.
 

Tom: Which one?  The Snake Fighter's Fist? Snake in the Eagle's
Shadow?  Spitting Whitesnake Palm?

Joel: Trouser Snake?
 

>"You've been using that variation too often for me to fall for it."
 

Crow: How about a legsweep?  Will he fall for that?
 

>A handsome man in a dark, almost black gi answered him with a smile,
 

Crow: Akuma?

Tom: Evil Ryu?

Joel: A smile makes a lousy explanation.
 

>"Son, you've got to start thinking of various possibilities instead
>of only a small number of circumstances.  As the sole heir to the
>Musabetsu Kakutou Ryu, you have to be ready for anything."
 

Joel: Yeah, like getting pregnant by Kunou, stuck permanently  as a
girl, being turned a vampire, enduring the ego of a self-inserted author,
slowly becoming a Surreal Genius or whatever other bizarre ideas these
fanfic writers come up with....

Crow: Hence the name: Anything-Goes Martial Arts!
 

>Tendo Soun then reached in again with the snake strike, but with a
>small nerve variation
 

Crow: The nerve!
 

>that allowed him to grab his son's gi between his thumb and forefinger,
 

Tom: <Soun>  Nice material... Gortex?
 

>allowing him to pull his son slightly off balance for a quick inside
>strike to the underarm for the take down.
 

Tom: Should have worn his deodorant.
 

>"Kaneda, you may be the best martial artist of your generation, but
>you are still too damn overconfident.
 

Joel: <singing> Talkin bout my generation....
 

>Remember that each variation can have a thousand different endings."
 

Crow: And those thousand endings can lead to sequels, then trilogies
and finally spawning many a spin-off that never truly captures the
flavor of the original....

Tom: Humph!  I happen to *like* Deep Space Nine and Voyager,
thank you very much!
 

>Groaning from where he was on the tatami, Tendo Kaneda, sole heir
>to probably the greatest school of the martial arts replied,
 

Joel: <Kaneda> Bite me!
 

>"OK pop. Point well taken."
 

Joel: The point well taken is the theory seldom explored.

Crow: Wow!  That's cool!  Where did you come up with that?

Joel: I drank a ton of caffeine and stayed up all night.

Tom: Ah... so that's how it's done!
 

>Soun smiled as he thought of all that he had put his son through.
 

Tom: College?

Crow: Hell?

Joel: There's a difference between those two?
 

>While it was difficult initially, Kaneda had surpassed all expectations
>and had become a great martial artist.  The only problem he had was the
>tremendous ego.
 

Crow: Funny.  I always thought those two things went hand in hand.
 

>Hopefully, there would be someone who would undermine his
>son's overconfidence before it became a deadly weakness.
 

Joel: Thus breaking his spirit and causing him to fall into a deep well
of depression and self-doubt....
 

>"Father, you have a phone call." came a female voice from the dojo
>entrance.
 

Joel: <Kasumi> The calls are coming from inside the dojo!
 

>Soun looked up, "Thank you Kasumi-chan.  I'll be right there."
>Looking at his son, he said, "Practice the seventeenth Kata for
>the next hour."
 

Crow: <Kaneda> Aw... do I Kata?

Tom: Zing!
 

>Kaneda groaned as he thought of the seventy five moves in that Kata.

 
Tom: <singing> Seventy five snake strikes lead the big parade... with a
hundred and ten low blows right behind....

Joel: <Kaneda> Now how did it go... I put my right foot in... no, the left
foot!  Okay, left foot in... left foot out... right foot in... shake it all about....
 

>Soun picked up the receiver.  "Moshi, moshi.  Tendo Soun."
 

All: <starts breathing heavily>
 

>The voice answered, "Moshi, moshi Tendo-san.  This is Saotome
>Nodoka, and it is time."
 

Tom: <Nodoka> ...to make the doughnuts, you bastard!

Crow: We will sell no martial artist before its time!
 

>Soun's eyebrows raised.
 

Tom: <Soun> Most illogical, Nodoka.
 

>"You mean you are bringing her by today?"
 

Crow: <Nodoka> Yep and tomorrow we might actually enter
your house....
 

>Nodoka answered, "Yes, it is time for old promises to be fulfilled."
 

Crow: <Nodoka> I promise a chicken in every pot!  And I carry a BIG stick!

Tom: What the heck does that mean anyway?

Crow: Got me.  Saw it in a Bugs Bunny/Yosemite Sam Cartoon.
 

>Soun smiled, but he answered in a neutral voice,
 

Tom: <Soun> Bite me.
 

>"Nodoka-chan, the agreement was between Genma and myself in order
>to continue the school.  Are you sure you want to subject your daughter
>to this, especially since you have told me she doesn't really know much
>about the martial arts?"
 

Joel: <Nodoka> Actually, it's the *MARITAL* arts that I'm
interested in educating my daughter about....
 

>Nodoka's voice replied, "Yes.  It was my husband's wish that our
>families be united in fact as well as in feeling."
 

Joel: <Nodoka> So strip off that gi and join me in the bedroom!

Crow: Okay, Joel....
 

>Soun nodded to himself, "I understand, and his wishes shall be
>honoured.  May I suggest something more however.
 

Joel: <Soun> You, me and Ms. Hinako in a threesome!

Crow: That's enough, Joel....
 

>No matter what  happens, will your daughter and yourself move into
>our home?  I have always felt bad that you would not accept our
>proposition before, and I know it must be hard on you and Ranko.
 

Tom: <snickers>  This is almost too easy.

Joel: <Soun> But since Ranko's reached the age of legal consent....

Crow: JOEL!!!

Joel: Heh heh heh....
 

>Since we are now uniting the families, I must insist you accept this."
 

Joel: <Nodoka> You and what army, mustache man?!?
 

>The woman on the other side of the phone said, "I will accept Tendo-san.
 

Crow: <Nodoka> Hello?  Hello?  Is someone else on the line?

Joel: <Kasumi> Sorry, I was eavesdropping!  I'll accept your proposition!

Tom: <Soun>  Uh... that's very generous of you, Kasumi... but
it just wouldn't be proper....

Joel: <Kasumi> Please, Father, make me a real woman....

(Without warning, Crow rips off one of his arms and smacks Joel over
the head with it.)

Joel: Oww!  Hey, that hurt!

Crow: Bite me!  Now behave yourself!
 

>We will close the house here and after my daughter and
>myself move in, we will arrange to rent it out to provide income."
 

Crow: <Nodoka> We've already received a generous offer from
an American television studio.  Apparently they want to film a series
about seven ordinary teenagers living together in a (sur)Real world....
 

>The man looked sad, "As you wish Nodoka-chan, but that is unnecessary.
>We are family."
 

All: <singing> We are fam-i-ly....
 

>Nodoka's voice became firm, "I insist on this.
 

Tom: <Nodoka> And this long sharp pointy thing I'm pressing
against your throat insists as well....

Joel: <Soun> W-Well, if you i-insist....
 

>The children will need some form of income until they can marry and
>take over the school.  We will arrive this afternoon."
 

Tom: <Nodoka> Try to have a good BS story ready by then, okay?
 

>Soun hung up the phone after the good byes and went to the dining
>room table to remember his old friend and training partner.
 

Tom: <Soun> This table and I have been through a lot together....

Crow: There were several chunks missing from the table as Soun
occasionally had to burn parts of his old friend on to stay warm on
those winter training trips....

Joel: How heartwarming.
 

>A brother that had died almost ten years before.
 

Tom: He ain't heavy... he's dead weight!

Crow: So Genma's dead in this fanfic universe?

Joel: Awwww, he's one of my favorites!
 

>"I wish that your wife would have accepted our offer, old friend.  It
>would have made life easier on her as well as providing a burden of
>relief for me.
 

Crow: When is a burden not a burden?  When it's a burden of... relief?

Tom: What's next?  A nervous breakdown of relaxation?

Joel: How about a drink of sobriety?
 

>I have worried about both her and your daughter since you passed on
>to the next life."

>Ranko's Life:
 

Tom: My god!  You mean Ranko is... is... GENMA REINCARNATED?!?!?

Joel: There's a paradox for ya.
 

>Chapter One:

>Who is This Girl...???
 

Crow: Felicia?

Joel: No, she's That Girl.

Tom: I wish this were an Oscar-fic.  I love his twisted mind!

Crow: Tom, I know we're in an alternate universe and all, but you
can't be serious....

Tom: <sobbing>  Okay, I lied!  We can't stomach Oscar's fics either!
 

>A fan fiction based on Takahashi Rumiko's Manga series, Ranma 1/2
 

Joel: So the anime version is completely shunned?

Crow: So much for Sasuke.

Tom: Hey, that's a catchy title!
 

>Saotome Ranma, Saotome Genma, Saotome Nodoka, Saotome Ranko,
 

Tom: ...Saotome Darryl, Saotome Darryl, Saotome Larry, Saotome
Curly, Saotome Moe....

Crow: Saotome Billy Jo Bob's smarter brother!
 

>Tendo Soun, Tendo Kasumi, Tendo Nabiki,
 

Tom: *The Three Tendos: Live in Concert!*  Now available on
video, CD and DVD!

Crow: Order now and receive a special bonus CD featuring the
collected poetic works of Kunou Tatewaki, narrated by Kunou
Tatewaki, and featuring a foreword by Kunou Tatewaki himself!

Joel: Order whenever, supply is endless.
 

>Kuonji Ukyou, Kuno Tatewaki, and Tofu Ono Sensei are copyright
>1987, 1997 by Takahashi Rumiko.
 

Joel: It's not every fic you see Akane snubbed and Dr. Tofu a featured
player....

Crow: He'll probably have a bit part... as usual.
 
Tom: It's the Dr. Tofu Conspiracy, I tells ya!
 

>Tendo Kaneda are copyright 1997 by unknown
 

Crow: You mean there's more than one Tendo Kaneda?

Joel: "unknown" owns the rights to Megane 6.7, too.

Tom: If the copyright holder is unknown, how can he sue?
 

>Publishing rights:
 

Crow: Somehow, I doubt anybody's going to want to publish this.
 

>Japan:          Shogakukan Inc. Tokyo
>Hong Kong:      Jademan (Holdings) Ltd.
>North America:  Viz Inc.
 

All: <singing> God Bless America....
 

>By Ichinohei Hitomi

 
Crow: By, Hitomi!  Don't forget to write!
 

>While things had never really been better in the Tendo household,
 

Joel: Translation: Akane wasn't there to cook anything.
 

>Soun knew that some hard times were coming, especially given his
>son's rather outspoken tendencies.  The boy was quite adamant about
>not marrying until he found a girl who shared his love for the Arts,
>especially given the type of life he wanted to lead.
 

Crow: Namely, that of a painter and sculptor.

Tom: Well, they do say art imitates life....

Crow: Maybe he wants to go into Theater Arts?

Joel: Oh great, just what we need... another Shakespeare wannabe like
Kuno.
 

>Kaneda's reaction upon finding out that he was engaged, especially to
>a very traditional Japanese girl, was going to be the beginning of
>another war between father and son.
 

Tom: Not to mention random shouting of *PACK!!!*
 

>If only Kaneda was as well behaved as the girls.  Sighing, Soun
>realized that he had only himself to blame in this, having filled the
>boy's head with tales of past glories since he could walk,
 

Tom: <Soun>  It was a noble quest, Son.  A Quest for Glory!
A Hero's Quest!  I had to endure Trials by Fire, the Wages of War, even
the Shadows of Darkness!

Joel: <Soun>  I also worked for Happosai in the Thieves' Guild
for a while... uh... actually, I'd rather not talk about that.
 

>and teaching him everything he could about the Arts in such a way that
>the boy would love it.
 

Joel: He made him watch a 'Who's Line is it Anyway?' marathon?

Crow: <Soun> It's called a Hoedown, son!  Give it a try!
 

>Unfortunately, the girls Kaneda had met of his generation had viewed
>the Art as a simple sport or exercise, unlike the serious bent the family
>school followed.
 

Tom: <Kaneda>  Seriously, get bent!
 

>*Perhaps I should not have told him of his Samurai ancestors.
 

Tom: <Kaneda> Whatda mean I'm related to KUNO?!?
 

>He is too filled with dreams of pride and glory to be satisfied with an
>ordinary girl.*
 

Crow: Guess that rules out Shori Wong then.
 

>He would need his daughters help to keep his son from
>exploding when told of the situation.
 

Joel: <Nabiki> Kasumi, you prepare the tear gas and the rubber bullets
while I fetch the Riot Gear....
 

>Soun started to shout, "Oi!  Oi!  Kasumi!  Nabiki!"
 

Crow: <voiceover> The role of Soun Tendo will now be played by Sting.
 

>Not getting an immediate response, he went to look for them,
>stepping first into the kitchen that was his eldest daughter's domain.
>"Kasumi!" he said.
 

Tom: <Kasumi>  Who DARES enter my domain?
 

>Kasumi looked up from the melon she was carving for an afternoon
>snack
 

All: *shing* *shing* *shing*....
 

>and gazed over to her father, "Yes father?"
 

Joel: Hey, where's the comma?

Crow: Comma Joel?

Joel: Yes, comma, Crow!
 

>"We will be receiving guests this afternoon, and I will need help
>in keeping your brother calm.
 

Crow: <Soun> Prepare ten ccs of morphine!

Joel: <Kasumi>  No problem.  I just need a pair of handcuffs, a length
of silk, some massage oil and about three hours of privacy....
 

>I was wondering if you could make one of his favorite meals for lunch."
 

Joel: <Kasumi> Spam again?!?
 

>Kasumi looked at her father, knowing the sometimes disruptive
>attitude her younger brother had.
 

Tom: Okay, Kaneda's a troublemaker! We get it already! Wasn't
*show, don't tell* one of the basic rules of good writing?
 

>"I take it you're going to be giving him some bad news?"
>Soun grimaced a bit, "It depends upon what you mean by bad news,
>daughter.
 

Crow: Uh... I think she means unfavorable, unpleasant, the exact
opposite of good news....
 

>All I will say until I inform all of you of the situation is
>that it is a matter of family honour."
 

Joel: <Kasumi> Oh my... Here we go with the honor crap, again....
 

>The eldest Tendo sibling narrowed her eyes, "I take it that
>whatever this concerns, he might not be willing to go along with it?"
 

Tom: Well, duh.

Crow: Did Hitomi kidnap the *Jeff Rutsch* Kasumi or what?
 

>Soun sighed, "I'm afraid so.  Unfortunately, he is the only one
>who is qualified to fulfill this vow."
 

Joel: <Soun> Unless of course, Nodoka and I do the nasty first....
 

>Kasumi nodded to her father.  "I understand."
 

Tom: <Kasumi> I don't agree with it and I think you're blooming
bonkers to try it, but I understand....
 

>Rolling his shoulders a bit, he left the kitchen and headed up
>towards his other daughter's bedroom.  *At least Kasumi will be
>willing to help, and with Ranko-chan here, she'll be able to get some
>relief from staying home all day long.
 

Joel: <Kasumi> So long Cutie-Rod!  Hello Girl-Toy!
 

>Perhaps she'll finally go back to school and become the doctor she
>always wanted to be.*
 

Tom: A proctologist!

Joel: <Kasumi>  Oh my!  That's certainly a big ass you have there!

Crow: <Frank Costanza> Million to one shot, Kasumi... Million to one....
 

>Soun found Nabiki going over her computer records and keeping
>track of the family's investments.  He had been surprised at first, but
>his middle child had truly found her calling in computers and finance,
>being able to track ideas and possible investments to successful ends.
 

Tom: Yeah, for Nabiki.

Crow: <Nabiki>  If only I had a sister that could summon mallets at
will, I could make a small fortune selling them to hardware stores!
 

>While she wasn't always successful, her profits definitely outweighed
>her losses.
 

Tom: <Nabiki> It's my special no-risk savings plan.  You give
me your money and I won't sell photos of you and a random
superimposed student, making out in the bathroom stall.  And for a
little extra, I'll let *YOU* decide whom I blackmail next time I need
fast cash....
 

>"Nabiki.  I need to ask you if you could help me with something."
>Nabiki looked up at her father from where she was typing, "What is
>it father?"
 

Crow: <Soun> It's a paragraph with a bunch of punctuation errors.  But
that's not important right now....

Tom: Reaching for that one, huh, Crow?

Crow: Bite me.
 

>Smiling a bit, he replied, "The wife of an old friend, Saotome
>Genma, is coming here with her daughter.  Since she died, I've
>always been worried about them,
 

Joel: Wait a minute... if she died then how could she... wait a minute!

Tom: <Nabiki> Hell, I'd be worried too if a corpse were coming here
with her daughter... or is that a corpse coming here with her mother?
 

>especially since Nodoka never wanted to accept any help from us.
 

Joel: <Nodoka> Leave me alone!  I'm only mostly dead!

Crow: <Nodoka> I'm getting better, dammit!  I can fend for myself!
 

>I was wondering if you could come up with a financial plan,
>especially since I've invited them to live here."
 

Crow: <Nabiki> Oh, all right. Here's the plan. Just have them give all
their money to me.
 

>Nabiki narrowed her eyes,
 

Joel: Hey, she's the second one who did that.

Tom: Well, they *are* Asians.

Crow: I believe the term is "Easterners", since "Asian" can refer to
anyone on the Asian continent including India, the former Soviet
Union, China....

Tom: Hey, professor!  Get bent!
 

>"Daughter, eh?
 

Crow: Nabiki's from Canada, eh?

Tom: No, she's from Kaneda.

Joel: She's a Kanedian!
 

>I take it you've engaged her to Kaneda and he doesn't know about it
>as of yet."  Soun coughed a bit,
 

Tom: <Nabiki>  Need some Vicks, Daddy?  I can sell you
some for a reasonable fee....
 

>"Ah...Now that you mention it, yes, that is the case.  May I ask how
>you figured it out this time?"
 

Joel: <Nabiki> Duh!  I read the FFML summary list entry for
this story, Daddy!
 

>Nabiki smiled.  It was an old game her father had played with her
>in order to keep her from falling apart after her mother had died.
 

Joel: I don't get it. What game are they talking about?

Tom: Knowing Nabiki?  Probably Monopoly.

Crow: Natch.
 

>It wasn't needed now, but old habits died hard on both sides.  Besides,
>it was a comfortable sort of intimacy that her brother and sister didn't
>share with their father.
 

(Crow pulls a jumbo bazooka out of thin air and aims it at Joel)

Crow: Make my day, Joel... Try me... I *DARE* you to say something....

Joel: <swallows nervously>  N-not saying a word....
 

>Kasumi was the future medic, Kaneda was the Martial Artist,
 

Tom: And together they're the wacky duo known as *Tendo and Crash*!

Crow: If it were Nabiki, it would be *Tendo and Cash*...."

Joel: Ba da BING!
 

>but she had always been pegged by her father as the innovative one.
 

Joel: <Soun> Anyone who schemes and manipulates the truth
as well as Nabiki has to be good for something, right?
 

>"Easy father.  You said he was an old friend, that you worried about
>his wife and daughter, and that they were now going to be living here.
>If it was simply a matter of lending them room for a while, or making
>sure they were safe, you would not have asked for me to help with a
>financial plan."
 

Joel: That should be "If it were." It's a hypothetical.

Tom: Nabiki really doesn't sound like herself here.
 

>Her eyes suddenly twinkled,
 

Crow: Ack!  She's being possessed by Azusa!
 

>"Besides, the only time you talk about finances these days is when it
>has something to do that will make Kaneda mad, like how you had
>me 'convince' him not to get a motorcycle."
 

Joel: <gasps> Soun!  Your own daughter?  How could you?!?

Crow: Joel....

Tom: Fortunately, Nabiki was well trained to *handle* the situation.
She used her special *body language* and really *blew* him away and
then she *stroked* his ego to smooth things over afterwards....

(Crow points the bazooka at Tom and he promptly pipes down.)
 

>Soun coughed again,
 

Tom: <Nabiki> No really, you want some lemon cough drops or not?
 

>"Well, he is a little bit reckless."  Nabiki laughed, "Do you want to
>talk about everything?
 

Crow: <Soun> But we're not under the sun!

Joel: <Nabiki> Okay, here goes... In the beginning, the earth was a molten
mass, then the surface cooled and became solid rock and... uh, you
might want to sit down for this, Daddy....
 

>It'll make you feel better, and allow you to get ready for little
>brother's rather direct way of overcoming objections."
 

Crow: <Kaneda> Rupture their lungs first, ask questions before they die.
 

>Soun laughed as well and started to talk about Genma, Nodoka, and Ranko.
 

Joel: ...behind their backs.
 

>***

 
Crow: Password!

Joel: <Yuen Biao> The stars are out tonight....

Tom: <Sammo Hung> No!  It's *Beat me up!*

Crow: 50 points if you can guess which Three Brothers film this is from.

Joel: Keep in mind, this is from a dubbed version.
 

>Ranko sighed to herself as she packed up the last of her skirts,
>dresses, and uniforms that she was going to be taking with her to her
>new home.
 

Tom: <Ranko>  Now where did I put that stupid power stick?
I know I left it here somewhere....

Joel: <Ranko> Hmmm... I'd better leave the latex, leather and
rubber outfits here until I settle in.

Crow: <groans> Hoo boy, here we go again....
 

>She looked around her room for what might be the last time,
>especially since she was about to meet her husband.
 

Joel: <Kaneda>  BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  YOU'LL NEVER
SEE YOUR ROOM AGAIN NOW THAT YOU'VE MARRIED ME!!!
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Crow: She not losing her room, she's changing the frame.

Tom: Yeah, and... huh?
 

>Although Ranko had known she was going to be married to one of the
>sons of Tendo Soun, a man she had never met,
 

Tom: Thought they had shared several intimate cyber chats.
 

>she was still a little apprehensive at the thought.  Honour was
>everything however, and Saotome Ranko was a child of honour.
 

Joel: She's make a heck of a Klingon Warrior!
 

>She went to her shelf and took down a couple of her favourite
>stuffed toys and hugged them to her.
 

Crow: Awww....

Joel: <Ranko>  I love my inflatable Urd and Nuku-Nuku!
 

>"Well guys, I suppose this day had to come.  Mother's been preparing
>me for this ever since I was a little girl, and now I'm about to meet the
>man I'm supposed to marry.  I just hope he's kind and understanding,
>especially since I don't know that many boys."
 

Tom: Girls, on the other hand....
 

>Nodoka chose that moment to look in on her daughter, the bright
>spot of her life since her husband's death almost ten years before,
>and smiled.
 

Crow: Whoa!  Point of view change!  Slow down a bit!

Tom: You'd think this fanfic had the whirl-wind photography of
Branaugh's Hamlet.

Joel: Yeah, both make you want to hurl.

Crow: You have no class, do you?

Joel: Bite me.
 

>*She's still so innocent in so many ways.  Genma, I know that we
>have to honour the agreement between our family and the Tendo's
>but I also don't want her to lose that innocence when she grows up
>to be a young woman instead of my little girl.
 

Joel: Between their family and the Tendo's *what*?

Crow: The Tendo's lawyer?  How the hell should I know?!?
 

>In a way, I wish this day had never arrived.*
 

Crow: Should've visited Punxsutawney, PA. on Groundhog Day when
she had the chance....
 

>Ranko opened her eyes, a small smile on her face, and turned to
>put her dolls into one of the cases.  "Don't think I'm going to leave
>you two behind.  I'll need someone to talk to in a house full of boys."
 

Tom: She can't talk to the boys?

Joel: It's a girl thing, you guys wouldn't understand.  (pulls out a Jim
Varney doll)  They can be so thick sometimes, eh Ernest?
 

>Nodoka walked into the room, "It will be all right Ranko-chan.
>We're going to be moving in with them this afternoon, and then we'll
>get everything packed up and moved over to your new room."
>Ranko looked up from her packing, "You mean you're moving in with
>me mother?"
 

Crow: <Nodoka> I AM your mother! And don't you go Cockney on me,
young lady!
 

>Nodoka's smile widened at that, "Of course I am.
 

Crow: <Nodoka> Heh heh heh... You ever see the movie *Hush?*
 

>After all, you still have to finish school before you're married, and I
>don't think you really want to be all alone in a house full of men."
 

Tom: Man, what's do these two have against men, anyway?

Joel: Maybe they're lesbians?

Crow: <rolling his eyes> You would think that, wouldn't you?

Joel: Hey, it's possible!  Isn't it Ernest?  (Joel makes the doll nod in
agreement)
 

>Ranko hugged her mother, glad that she understood her fear.  It
>wasn't that she didn't like men, but having gone to an all girls school
>she was unused to mixing in with boys on a social basis.
 

Joel: *Physical* basis, on the other hand....

Crow: Joel!

Joel: It was him!  He said it!  (Joel points to his Ernest doll)

Crow: Put that thing away!

(Joel reluctantly does so)
 

>The idea of being around a man in a social situation was scary
>enough, but suppose he learned her secret!
 

Crow: "Ranko's Secret."

Tom: Strong enough for a man, but made for his female alter-ego.
 

>"Mother, are you sure we shouldn't tell them everything that's happened?"
 

Crow: <Nabiki>  Been there.  Done that.

Joel: <Nodoka>  I know it's hard, Ranko... but you have to forget about your
past.  Oscar simply wasn't the right boy for you....
 

>Nodoka hugged her daughter to give her confidence, "I'm sure, my
>child.  If they find out, then so be it, but until they know you, I do not
>think it would be wise."
 

Tom: <Nodoka> After all, thing of all the possible hilarity when they
find out about it later!
 

>***
 

Tom: Starlight, Starbright....

Crow: First Star we see Tonight....

Joel: We wish we may, We wish we might....

All: GET DOWN FROM THIS DAMN SATELLITE!!!

Tom: Whew, fun.
 

>There was a slight rumble of thunder and rain began falling
>lightly over the Nerima district when a shout could be heard coming
>from the Tendo Dojo.
 

All: <singing> Shout! Shout! Let it all out....
 

>"ARE YOU NUTS POP!!!  WHO THE HELL SAID I WANTED A
>FIANCEE?!?"
 

All: <Kaneda singing>  Fi-an-cees I can do without....
 

>Yes, a normal day at this particular residence.
 

Crow: The key words being 'particular residence'.
 

>Tendo Soun, owner and master of the Tendo Dojo, sighed again as he
>looked over at his son.  "This has nothing to do with wanting a
>fiancee son,
 

Tom: <Soun> This is about saving the future of humanity!

Crow: <Kaneda> Pop, blow up the damn ship!

Tom: <Soun> NO!!!  NOOOOOOOOO!!!
 

>it has to do with the honour of our families.
 

Joel: <Kaneda> The what of our families?

Tom: <Soun> The honour!  The honour!

Joel: <Kaneda> You been hitting the sake again, Pop?

Crow: Actually, Honour is the British variant of Honor, guys.

Tom: Not according to MY spellchecker, it ain't, bub!
 

>My old training partner, Saotome Genma, and I decided to unite our
>families before you were born.  To unite those families, it was
>decided that our children would marry and carry on the Art.
 

Crow: The art of Origami!

Tom: Anything-Goes Origami... yeah, I could see that.
 

>Unfortunately, Genma died before he could have more than one child,
>his daughter, Saotome Ranko."
 

Joel: <Nelson Muntz>  Ha ha!

Crow: And the world breathed a sigh of relief.
 

>Kaneda was about to raise a rather loud objection,
 

Tom: Yeah!  Give him the raspberry!
 

>which was to be concluded with his throwing his idiot of a father
>out of the door and into the rain when he caught Kasumi's frown.
 

Joel: <Kasumi> Hey, idiot!  I worked my ass off to get you *relaxed*!
Don't you dare make me lose face in front of my father!
 

>Gritting his teeth, he kept his voice down and his body from reacting
>as he said in a very low growl,
 

Crow: <Kaneda>  YOU'LL PAY... YOU'LL ALL PAY....
 

>"You could have told me about this sooner, such as a couple of years ago.
 

Joel: <Kaneda>  Yeah, I could have dealt with this a lot better
in my early teens....
 

>At least given me time to get used to the idea.  But no....My father,
>the master of Musabetsu Kakutou, decides to forgo the niceties of
>letting me be prepared for having a wife.
 

Tom: <Soun>  Uh, Kaneda... Does the term *Anything-Goes* ring a bell?
 

>Well, since I have no _choice_ in the matter, you had better tell me all
>you know about her."
 

Crow: <surprised> Wow, he's taking it a lot better than Ranma did.

Tom: Kasumi really *did* calm him down.

Joel: <Soun> That's my girl!
 

>Soun gulped a bit, this would be the tricky part.
 

Crow: <Bullwinkle>  Nothin' up my sleeve... Presto!
 

>"Well, as I said, she is the daughter of Saotome Genma and Saotome
>Nodoka.  From what I've been told, she is a very nice and polite young
>lady who has been trained in all the traditional duties.
 

All: <singing> TRADITION... TRADITION!!!
 

>She is accomplished in the tea ceremony, has been taught how to
>prepare most foods and dishes..."
 
>Kaneda slammed his hand down on the table.  Hard.
 

All: TOGGG!!!
 

>"Father....That is all fine and good, but how about some information.
 

Tom: <Kaneda> Give me her measurements and turn-ons, dammit!
 

>Such as how old is she?  Have you ever met her?
 

Crow: Does she own a mallet?

Tom: Can she cook something that won't collapse an eco-system?

Joel: Does she spit or swallow?
 
Crow: Joel!
 

>What is her personality like?  Does she like martial arts?
 

Crow: Is she known for her work in the theater?

Tom: What's her sign?

Joel: Can she....

(Crow begins powering up the bazooka to it's maximum setting.)

Joel: ...arrange flowers?
 

>That sort of stuff."
 

Crow: <Humphrey Bogart>  The stuff dreams are made of....
 

>Nabiki started to grin a little, enjoying the spectacle of her
>little brother getting the better of their father.  It was rare, but when
>it happened the situations were classic.  It was especially funny when
>you considered that Kaneda was a cross between modern and feudal
>Japan.
 

Tom: Man, Kaneda is an entire cultural time period!
 

>Soun cleared his throat.
 

Crow: Uh oh, flem in the throat, not a good sign....
 

>"To answer your questions in order:
 

Joel: <Mr. Tendo> None of your business, None of your
business, None of your business, Bite me.
 

>I do not know, I have never met her, all I know of her is what her
>mother has told me, and she has not been trained in the arts."
 

Tom: Oh, you're a big help!  No wonder everyone pays Nabiki for
information around here!
 

>Kaneda's face started to get red.
 

Crow: Hey, he's doing an impression of Lunari!

Joel: Apple cheeks!
 

>Not only had his father engaged him to a very traditional girl from
>the sounds of it, but he didn't know the first thing about her!  *Damn
>him!  I already told him I didn't want to get married to a traditional
>girl!*
 

Tom: He wanted a Material Girl.

Joel: Or at least a Barbie Girl.

Crow: <Kaneda>  I always wanted... TO MARRY A LUMBERJACK!
 

>Just before he could explode,
 

Joel: Nabiki defused him.
 

>a voice was heard to call from the walkway.  "Moshi, moshi!  Is
>anyone at home?"
 

Crow: <voice>  I'm selling these fine leather jackets....
 

>Soun got up, "That will be Nodoka and Ranko-chan.  I want you on
>your best behaviour Kaneda."
 

Tom: <Soun>  Or I'll sick Kasumi on you again!

Joel: Sayyyyyy....
 

>Growling under his breath, Kaneda followed his father and sisters
>out front to greet their guests.  *If he thinks for one minute that I'm
>gonna agree to this marriage, he's got a screw loose.  I ain't marrying
>anyone but another martial artist.*
 

Crow: <Kaneda>  One that I can defeat easily and never have to worry
about reaching my skill level... but a martial artist, none the less!

Joel: If Kaneda's supposed to be so overconfident, why does he feel he
needs a wife that can fight?

Tom: I dunno... Maybe he doesn't want to be bothered protecting her... even
though he'll still end up rescuing her if Ranko follows Akane's legacy of
being kidnapped by every marital artist that comes along....
 

>When he got to the front door and managed to look out, he saw two
>people there with a cab behind them.
 

Crow: Gary Busey and Mr. T in a rare cameo appearance!
 

>One, a beautiful woman in a formal kimono and obi
 

Tom: ...wan Kenobi following close behind.
 

>holding an umbrella over herself and the young girl beside
>her.  Unintentionally, his eyes wandered over to the girl
 

Joel: <Kaneda> Hey, get back in your sockets where you belong!
 

>and the first thing he noticed was how cute her face was.  Long black
>hair with a reddish tinge, perfect complexion, not much makeup, and
>a very nice figure which was shown perfectly by the conservative, yet
>flowing dress that she wore.
 

Tom: Could somebody send out for some verbs, please?
 

>Kaneda quickly shook his head.  *What the hell am I thinking about?
>This girl is probably the fiancee pop arranged for me, and she doesn't
>look as though she would be able to fight her way out of a sack.
 

Joel: <chuckling> And that's a bad thing?

Crow: Joel....
 

>Definitely not someone I could take on the road with me while I look
>for exciting adventures.*
 

Joel: <Kaneda> Yep, she's definitely a *Bogus Journeys* type chick.
 

>Soun came forward and bowed.  "Welcome Nodoka-chan.  It's been a
>long time since we last saw each other."
 

Tom: <Soun, clenched teeth> Kaneda, you're not BOWING....

Crow: <Kaneda> YOU welcome her, Pop!  I'm bitter.
 

>Nodoka and her daughter bowed perfectly in greeting.
 

Tom: <Soun> Perfect 90 degree angle... proper amount of time passed
before straightening up... wow, it's a flawless bow!
 

>"Hello Tendo-san.  It has been a very long time, and we have much to
>discuss."
 

Tom: <Nodoka>  I'll cut right to the chase.  Is Kaneda manly?  No?
SEPPUKU TIME!!!
 

>Soun gestured, "While my son, Kaneda gets your luggage, let us go
>inside where my daughters and I can talk with you over some tea."
>Kaneda turned to his father, fuming at the old man for having made
>_HIM_ the one who was the baggage carrier for a girl he didn't even
>want to get to know.
 

Tom: <Kaneda> Bad enough I have to grocery shop with Kasumi once
a week....

Crow: <Kaneda> I've got enough emotional baggage as it is!

Joel: Just do what Liu Kang did and find the nearest dock....
 

>If it wasn't for their guests, he would have expressed himself as he
>usually did; by hitting the offending object a good five to ten metres
>away.
 

Tom: What a wuss!  Even Tsubasa could kick a person farther than that!
 

>So he missed the wide-eyed, surprised look that Ranko had and the
>quick pull she did on her mother's Kimono.
 

Crow: <Ranko>  Psst!  Mom, I have to pee really bad!
 

>He also missed the quick and hurried, yet quiet, conversation that
>Ranko had with her.
 

Tom: Quick, hurried and quiet?

Crow: Must've been pretty quick.

Joel: And hurried.

Tom: Yet quiet.
 

>As far as Kaneda was concerned, the sooner that he got this...this
>weight away from around his neck, the better.
 

Crow: <John Cleese>  ALBATROSS!
 

>Kasumi and Nabiki noticed this however,
 

Joel: <Kasumi> Oh my, Father, there seems to be a "however" here!
 

>and also noticed how she blushed and tended to stick close to her
>mother.  Apparently Ranko was not only a very well brought up
>young lady, but a somewhat nervous and shy one as well.
 

Tom: Okay, okay! She's demure. Point made... and beaten to death.

Crow: Either Hitomi considers her readers to be total idiots or she's
desperately trying to convince *herself* that Ranko is demure....

Joel:  When in doubt, repeat.  When in doubt, repeat.  When in doubt,
repeat....
 

>Both of their instincts screamed at them to protect her at much
>as possible.
 

Tom: And which instincts would those be?

Crow: Maternal?  Basic?  Fatal?

Joel: Animal?
 

>Nabiki's instincts also said that she could have a lot of fun,
>especially pestering and deflating her stuck up younger brother.
 

Joel: So her brother is inflatable then?
 

>Nodoka spoke up, "Ranko, while we talk, you will hold the umbrella
>for Kaneda-kun.  He should not get wet for being gentlemanly enough
>to help us with our luggage."
 

Joel: *Ranko*, on the other hand....

(Crow immediately brings up the bazooka and fires a shot at Joel, who
just barely manages to dodge the deadly blast.  He quickly pipes down
afterwards.)
 

>Ranko's eyes quickly glanced at Kaneda, who had already walked
>over to the taxi, and she blushed.  He was definitely cute, and a lot of
>her girlfriends would go for a guy like this in a minute,
 

Joel: <Ranko> Cheap hussies....
 

>but she still couldn't really feel much for him.  *Well, as mother said,
>give it time and I'll eventually learn to love him.*
 

Tom: <Ranko>  But until then, I know that my heart will go on.   It's
hard to say good-bye to yesterday but I have a song for mama to cheer
me up for a while....
 

>Nabiki grinned as she noticed the girls expression as she rushed
>to Kaneda with the Umbrella.  Ranko was shy, nervous, and
>definitely without much experience around men.
 

Tom: ARRRRRRRGHHHH!!!  ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

Joel: Geez, Hitomi, why not say it *one* more time?  There might be
a tiny portion of my brain that still doesn't realize Ranko is demure!

Crow: Talk about overkill....
 

>She was exactly what he needed to deflate that overly large ego of
>his, or at least bring it down to size.
 

Tom: Uh, how exactly do you bring an ego down to size?
 

>Nodoka smiled as she looked at her daughter, "Let us go inside,
>and allow them to get to know each other."
 

Tom: In the Biblical sense?

Joel: Heh heh heh....
 

>Soun chuckled a bit at that as he looked at Kaneda, manfully
>trying to carry all the luggage at once next to the frail young girl
>blushing and trying to hold the umbrella over both of them.
 

All: BECAUSE YOU SEE... SHE'S DEMURE!!!  SHE'S SHY!!!
SHE'S NOT USED TO HANGING AROUND MEN!!!  DON'T
ALLOW YOURSELF TO FORGET THIS CRUCIAL BIT OF
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!
 

>***

 
All: <hum the theme to 'The Last Starfighter'>
 

>Kaneda kept his mouth shut.
 

Crow: <Kaneda> Mmmp nmmnmg! Rmmk nmnmnbm!

Joel: <Howie Mandell> Must be an inside joke.

Tom: Classic!
 

>He knew that he had taken on too much at once,
 

Tom: That'll teach him not to wolf down his food.
 

>but he was damned if he was going to let himself be humiliated in
>front of this girl.  Ranko had politely tried to tell him that he was
>trying to lift too much at once,
 

Joel: Yeah, we don't ask for directions when we drive, we don't give up
when trying to fix something beyond our knowledge and we'll make
complete fools out of ourselves before we admit defeat.

Crow: It's called male pride and we're damn proud of it!
 

>and had asked him if it wouldn't be better if they made three or four
>trips instead like she and her mother had, as if he wasn't able to
>handle something correctly.
 

Crow: Don't forget, everyone, Kaneda has a big ego!  I mean, really big!
 

>And to top it off, she was so damn shy, her voice quiet, her face
>usually down and blushing,
 

Crow: MAKE IT STOP!!!  MAKE IT STOP!!!

Joel: I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!  I CAN'T TAKE IT
ANYMORE!!!

Tom: <shaking> UH OH!  THAR SHE BLOWS!!!

(Without warning, Tom quickly levitates out of his seat and his head
explodes with a flash of pyrotechnics and a shower of sparks.
Immediately afterwards,  his body drops to the floor like a anvil.  Crow
immediately gets out of his chair and rushes over to him while Joel is
still babbling at the screen.)

Crow: Tom!  Are you okay?!?

Tom: <whispering>  Shh.  Call Dr. F.  Tell him to cancel the rest of
the experiment.

Crow: Huh?  But how....?

Tom: <whispering> I'm pretending to die, you idiot!  Play along!

Crow: Oh... uh, I mean... OH... MY GOD!!!  TOM'S DYING!!!  OUR
FRIEND TOM SERVO'S LIFE IS FADING BEFORE OUR EYES!!!
DR. F!  IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, OPEN THE THEATER DOORS!!!
OPEN THEM BEFORE TOM SERVO IS NO MORE!!!

(There is no reply)

Crow: DOCTOR FRANK, PLEASE!!!  YOU CAN'T LET TOM
SERVO DIE!!!  WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT CRA... ER... STUFF
YOU'VE TOLD US ABOUT LOVING YOUR FELLOW MAN?
WELL, TOM IS OUR FELLOW MA... ER... BOT AND WE HAVE TO
HELP HIM!!! PLEASE!!!

(There is still no reply)

Crow: <whispering>  Tom, he's not falling for it....

Tom: <whispering> Okay, time for plan B.

Crow: <whispering> What's plan B?

Tom: <whispering> Toast the theater screen with your bazooka!

(Crow looks up at the screen, still showing the fanfic.)

Crow: Now, why didn't *I* think of that!?!

(Crow pulls out his bazooka and aims it at the movie screen.  He fires
off a single shot and the screen sports a large hole, the edges catching
fire and burning the rest of the screen.  Immediately, an alarm goes off
and fire sprinklers emerge from the ceiling to hose down the theater.
By the time they're finished, The trio is completely soaked, the cold
water snapping Joel out of his dementia as well.)

Joel: (spits out water)  Well, that's one way to end an experiment early.

Tom: Boy, Dr. F's going to be pissed about this one....

Crow: (looks to his right)  Well, the theater doors are open.  Might as
well leave and face the music....

 
* * *
 

SATELLITE OF HATE
 

 Joel sat in the command chair, a damp towel around his neck
and Tom Servo perched on his head.  Tom was using his hoverjets on
low to dry Joel's hair while Crow paced back and forth in front of them.
Finally, the image of Dr. Frank appeared on the viewscreen, having
finally regained control of communications.  His face was calm as
always, but his jaw was firmly set and Crow had the impression that the
good doctor was grinding his teeth, trying to remain cool and collected.

 "Well now... It would seem you've once again forced me to
take steps to insure you won't interrupt the fanfic.  My special droid
will be sent up momentarily to install a rip-proof, fire-proof,
acid-proof, water-proof, stain-resistant movie screen to replace the one
you damaged.  Also, I'll expect you to hand over any and all personal
weapons to the droid, less you force him to use unpleasant methods of
persuasion...."

 Crow groaned while Joel and Tom grinned with delight.

 "I presume you can find something to amuse yourselves with
until the droid's work is finished.  Until then, be well!"  Dr. Frank
concluded as his image disappeared from the screen.

 "Ha!  Looks like you won't be threatening us with your
bazooka anymore!  In the words of Brian Knobbs and Jerry Saggs, We
can be as NASTY as we wanna be!"  Joel exclaimed in a smug voice.
 
 Crow shrugged.  "That's true... of course, it'll take the droid a
little while to be properly fitted and sent up into orbit.  Plenty of time
for me to try out the bazooka once more... for old times sake."

 Joel and Tom looked at each other and bolted for their lives as
Crow chased after them, blasting away....
 

* * *
 

CLOUD 9
 

 "Here you go, Dr. F...."

 Dr. Frank gratefully accepted the cup of hot cider from his
assistant and took a long sip.  "I nearly lost control, Forrester.  They
almost made me lose my temper.  What am I going to do with them?"

 Forrester shrugged.  "Maybe they need a hobby...."

 "Yes...."  Dr. Frank replied wearily.  Then a look of
enlightenment washed over his face.  "Yes... that's it... If I could create
something to hold their interest... something that could prevent them
from causing any more damage and at the same time, give them an
outlet to release their hostile tendencies...."

 Dr. Frank suddenly leaped to his feet, spilling the hot cider in
his lap.  "THAT'S IT!!!"  Dr. Frank bellowed with excitement and pain.
"I'll give them a holographic generator to create whatever scenario they
please and in doing so, they'll leave the earth alone and perhaps be more
open to the fanfics I send them!  Forrester, you're a genius!"

 Forrester bigsweated.  "Uh... Dr. F... I don't want to criticize
you or anything, but are you sure that's a good idea?  How are you going
to reform them if they can create any twisted scenario they want?"

 "Well, I'll program certain restrictions, of course, but for the
most part, it should condition them to only use violence in the
holographic environment and behave normally outside.  Besides...."
Dr. Frank added.  "I don't think the Earth is up to being scribbled on
again, do you?"

 Forrester had to concede to that point.  "Okay, when should
we get started?

 "Right after we visit the emergency ward in sickbay.  I fear
my hot cider has given me 3rd degree burns in a very tender area...."
 

TO BE CONTINUED IN RANKO'S LIFE PART 2.....
 

Hello!  I was originally going to make this a single MSTing with a host
segment in the middle but it's simply too long so I split it into two parts
and made sure the second part was available along with this one, to be
read at your discretion.  As with "That Girl", There's lots more to come
in the second part so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some
great riffs.  ;)
Part Two