*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be...) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE) EPISODE 50: 12 MONTHS AND A YEAR PT. 1 (A Street Fighter MSTing) MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering our collective asses here folks... "Street Fighter" is the property of Capcom and all the distributors of their work. "12 Months and a Year" is the property of sske. We attempted to contact the author by e-mail but there was no reply and we sincerely hope they don't take offence to this MSTing of their work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p Warning: This fanfic contains mature content, adult language and scenes of extreme violence. * * * THE HOLOCABANA A Halloween party was in full swing as 'The Monster Mash' played in the background while party-goers dressed in a variety of costumes mingled and/or danced to the music. Just then, a familiar figure with slicked back hair walked up to Cambot, dressed in a gray suit with a red bow tie. "Good evening, boys and girls! My name's Pee-wee. Heard any good riffs lately?" Joel Robinson exclaimed before following with his best impression of Pee-Wee's trademark chuckle. "Welcome to a very special episode of a... Halloween special episode! Starring... Me! Pee-wee Herman! And...!" Cambot panned over to Tom Servo wearing a purple dress with gold and white highlights along the bottom. His face was painted a fresh human-y pink and a long blond ponytail flowed from the top of his head, held on by a purple scrunchie. A small guitar was taped to the front of his dress with the name 'Carol' written across it. Upon noticing Cambot, Tom quipped. "Hi, this is Marzipan, I'm busy sampling the cheese hors d'oeuvres right now, but if you'd like to leave a message, prank call or creepy stalker message, please wait for the beep and I'll get back to you, ignore you or file yet another restraining order against Coach Z. Thank you and remember to protest something every day!" "Also starring... George Bernard Shaw!" Joel gestured to Crow T. Robot, who was wearing a white wig, long fake white beard and black suit. "Please, call me Bernard. I insist." Crow replied in an old man's voice. "And please welcome the always lovely... Elvira!" Joel continued as Cambot focused on Gypsy, wearing a gothic black dress, rubber gag cleavage, white face paint and a tall black wig. "Hello darlings, it's me, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark! The gal who brings the ha-ha's while shaking her ta-ta's!" Gypsy exclaimed with a giggle as she wiggled her gag cleavage around. "Now let's find out what today's secret word is!" Joel exclaimed as he skipped over to Crow. "Hey Conky! What's today's secret word!?" "Hmm?" Crow slowly turned to face Joel and replied in a deliberately pretentious tone of voice. "Oh, yes, the word... let's see... today's secret word is... ah yes, pulchritudinous." "Pulchrit... what?" Joel replied, confused. "Pulchritudinous. Look it up, won't you?" Crow replied haughtily before waving his hand dismissively and looking away." "Uh, okay, you all remember what to do whenever anybody says the secret word right?" Joel asked the room. "SCREAM!" The party-goers shouted together. "That's right! For the rest of the day, whenever anybody says the secret word, scream real loud. Ready? Let's try it. Oh, Elvira..." "Yes, Joe... I mean, Pee-Wee!" Gypsy replied on cue. "Could you dunk Crow's head into the cheese dip for being a Randy?" "With pleasure, Pee-Wee!" Gypsy cackled as she rushed over to Crow, grabbed him by the back of his collar and lifted him off the floor. "What is this!? I am Bernard Shaw and you can't do thi...BLUUUSGHH!!" Crow tried to scream as Gypsy forced his head into the cheese dip. "Hey, I was about to sample that!" Tom whined as Gypsy lifted Crow's head out of the dip and Crow could only sputter indignantly. "Now, THAT was Pulchritudinous. AHHHHHHHH!!!" Joel screamed with the rest of the crowd as bells rang out on cue. Suddenly the lights in the Holocabana began to flash red. "Uh-oh, looks like we'll have to ditch this party for a bit, gang, Garfield and Odie are calling..." * * * DEEP 13 "Oh, good. Daft Punk and Cluless have graced us with their presence." Dr. Clayton Forrester said as he smirked into the camera. He was currently dressed in a white lab coat with red tie and was wearing a bald cap with grey hair jutting out the sides. His mustache had also been dyed grey. "And a happy Samhain to you too, Dr. Wily. Uh, wow, that's a lot of candy..." Joel couldn't help noticing. Dr. Forrester sighed and rubbed his face as he stood in front of the monitor, surrounded by several large metal bowls of Halloween candy. "Don't get me started... Frank always spends his entire month's pay for October on candy in preparation for Halloween... but since we get almost NO trick or treaters, he ends up eating it all for himself..." "Hey, give me a break!" TV's Frank replied as he walked in from off-camera. He was dressed in a black jacket with a white long sleeved shirt, gray pants and brown shoes. An old-fashioned Polaroid camera hung around his neck with a strap. "Halloween is one of the few times I can buy a ton of candy and not be judged by everyone as just another Sugar Fatty. And if kids decide not to trick or trick at our door, then it's my civic duty not to let the leftover candy go to waste! I don't just eat candy for myself, I eat it for the kids starving in Japan! That's the AMERICAN way!" Frank exclaimed as he struck a heroic pose between the bowls of candy. "Well, you COULD always give some leftovers to a homeless shelter for kids or something..." Joel pointed out. Frank stared aghast at Joel. "What are you, nuts? If I did that, they'd expect me to do it EVERY year! Besides, who in their right mind gives out free candy to CHILDREN? That's just creepy and weird!" "Speaking of creepy and weird, who are you supposed to be again?" Dr. Forrester interrupted "Why, I'm Video Game's Frank West! The original, not the new one!" Frank quickly added. "I'm a photojournalist ready to kick some zombie butt... you know, as soon as one stumbles by trick or treating..." "Rrrright... well, "Frank", why don't you go get the invention while I see what the peanut gallery have come up with this week... Joel?" * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "If anybody should've dressed as Frank West, it should've been one of us. We've covered 'The War' by M. Llave, you know?" Crow wisecracked. "Nice." Joel chuckled as he reached under the counter and placed a handful of coloured pills on the counter top next to a glass of water. "Okay sirs, I came up with this invention for cosplayers, party goers and people who just like to change their hair colour often but don't have the time or money to buy hair dye or schedule expensive salon treatments. It's a pill that lets you naturally grow out your hair in any colour you want. Allow me to demonstrate..." Joel picked up a blond coloured pill, popped it in his mouth and swallowed it with a sip of water. "Normally, this process takes about a month or so to work but through the magic of fanfiction... Volia, it's done!" Tom exclaimed as Joel's hair was suddenly a rich blond colour. "Check Joel out, I'll bet he's having more fun already!" "I sure am! And with these pills, you can not only save money, but minimize damage to your hair since you won't need bleach any more. Right now each pill can only give your hair one solid colour, but we're hoping to add multicoloured options by adjusting the dosage, assuming we can get funding for test subjects. What'da thinks, sirs?" Joel finished. "Interesting... but are there any side-effects?" Dr. Forrester inquired. "Well... kinda." Joel suddenly blushed. "The pills don't just change the colour of the hair on your head... it... umm... affects ALL of your body hair... "Ah... so now the drapes..." Dr. Forrester started. "...match the carpet, among other things." Joel finished with a sigh. * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Forrester chuckled. "Well Joel, maybe you should SHAVE that invention for later or just WEAVE it to the professionals." Joel and the bots groaned as Dr. Forrester continued without missing a beat. "Anyhoo, my invention this week finally grants a grain of truth to the long held myth that people put dangerous items in Halloween candy... it's a trick AND a treat with an oh-so-sweet twist!" Dr. Forrester cackled as Frank wheeled in a table tray with several items on it. "As you can see, I pilfered select pieces of Frank's candy and made a few... adjustments. We've got a chocolate bar here stuffed with a black liquorice razor blade... a package of gummy bears now covered in broken sugar glass... a caramel apple filled with hidden nougat needles AND tapioca toothpicks. And I even had time to make... Peanut Butter Cups with Pocky!" Joel and the bots looked at each other. "What's so bad about that?" "Green Tea Pocky." Dr. Forrester replied with an evil smile. "You SICK MONSTER!" Tom exclaimed, outraged, while Crow and Joel attempted to hold him back. Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester chuckled to himself. "Yes, soon children of all ages will once again fear the candy man... I'll be an angel to parents and a devil to the dentists of the world... at least until they bribe me to take my candy off the market... BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Dr. Forrester laughed while holding up a fist triumphantly in the air. "You really think the Mega MAN won't bust you for tampering with kid's candy?" Crow retorted. "Oh please! They'll never find out! When was the last time a cop asked you to 'Show me your candy!" Dr. Forrester fired back with a sly grin. "Dr. F... you have hit a new low." Joel shook his head in disgust. "Thank you, Joel, that means a lot. I could discuss hair care and tainted candy all day but I think it's time we got on with this week's experiment, wouldn't you say?" "Would it matter if we said no?" Crow muttered. "Not a whit. This week, I've decided to reward you with a trip to beautiful sunny Capcom and the gang of miscreants from 'Street Fighter'. This fanfic invokes the three R's of bad fanfiction. Repetition, repetition, and repetition. Better yet, it comes with another R! Repetition! BWAHAHAHA!!!" Dr. Forrester laughed as Joel and the bots exchanged nervous glances. "Oh yes, and it also contains plenty of brainwashing, so feel free to let that rub off on you cause hey, it makes my job that much easier." Dr. Forrester smirked. "It's '12 Months and a Year', and believe me, you'll wish it only felt THAT long. Send 'em the fanfic, Frank..." "Om nom nom... Mmm? MMMPH!" Frank quickly replied with a mouthful of caramel as he rushed over to the console and fed the fanfic into the machine as Dr. Forrester sighed and shook his head. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Candy glass and tapioca toothpicks I can forgive, but Green Tea Pocky with PEANUT BUTTER!? That's just... unforgivable!" Tom growled. "Don't let him get to you, Tommy. Save that energy for the fanfic." Joel suggested. "So we're finally doing Street Fighter, huh? Oh man, I hope this thing doesn't star Ryu, he is so BORRRING!" "Unless he's evil." Tom added. "Yeah, how sad is that?" Crow replied as multicoloured lights flashed and alarms began to wail. "Ohh, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out. (Door 6: It's a bathroom stall door with writing on it. It says "THERE WAS A TOILET HERE, IT'S GONE NOW. You frown and hold your nose as you pass through it.) (Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator with an eerie green glow coming from it. Both sets of doors open for you but just before you can step on it, it suddely drops down at a frightening speed. A few moments later, you hear a loud crashing noise and terrified screams of people. You manage to jump over the shaft hole and continue on.) (Door 4: It's made of loose teeth. You quickly grab all the pillows you can find, sweep the teeth into a pile and throw the pillows over them in hopes of a giant payday from the tooth fairy. (Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed animals. That is to say, REAL cute stuffed animals. You shudder and do your best not to touch them with your hands as you move on.) (Door 2. It's made of black tar. The smell nearly overwhelms you as Johnathan Frakes face briefly emerges from it, his mouth open in a silent scream before sinking back in. Then an Ankh floats from behind you and touches the tar door. It vanishes as you hear a child's laughter in the distance.) (Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. Suddenly a guy dressed as a knight shoves past you, nearly knocking you into the moat where a tentacled monster start to rise. You quickly hit up on your joystick and then right to quickly cross the drawbridge before it can get you and you are rewarded with a fanfare of trumpets.) (Door .7: It's a swirling orange vortex. Suddenly a large furry hand reaches out of its center, pets you on the head and calls you George before pulling you inside.) Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. Tom: Okay, that was... weird. Joel: Still, nice effects, Crow. Good job! Crow: Uh... yeah... I... totally did that... sure. >*12 months and a year* >By: sske Tom: Ah, the bloated sequel to six minutes and a second. >Prologue (1) > >1 Crow: Wow, that was exciting. Joel: Yeah, I can hardly wait for Epilogue (1). >"… And we will continue shortly, after this groovy music!" The >pink-haired girl's voice rang out cheerfully as she slipped a music >record and turned off the microphone. Tom: It's far better than those birth records she used to play. >Although her voice sounded jovial, Senor Adriano couldn't help but >noticed how his employee was sweating profusely, even though the >air conditioner was on full blast. Crow: I can't help it, these are some hot beats! >He watched as she slumped on her black leather desk chair, her left >hand gripping the armrest with such intensity that the man wondered >if it would break under the pressure. Joel: So hot... so why did I sit in a LEATHER CHAIR!!? >Her right hand reached up to her damp forehead and attempted to wipe >the sweat there. She was looking agitated and uncomfortable; her mouth >curled to a frown as she furiously massaged her temple. Tom: If I have to listen to that damn Gummy Bear song one more time...!! >"/Estas bien, Senorita?" /Senor Adriano asked with concern. Crow: /Sí, estoy solo color de rosa! Idiota./ >This girl, who was barely 17, came to his house one rainy day about 2 >months ago. She was suffering from hypothermia and was cold to the >bones. Joel: Wait, she was suffering from hypothermia and now she's roasting... where the heck is this scene taking place? Tom: Hell, Norway? Crow: Natch. >Senor Adriano took pity of her and allowed her to stay with him, >given that she could remember who she was and where she was. >There were no forms of personal belonging on her, and the clothes >she was wearing were old hand-me-downs. Attempts to unearth >who she was always met with a dead end. Joel: And all her Watchtowers were soaked and unreadable. >Normally, Senor Adriano wouldn't think of allowing her to work for >him at his radio station, due to her age and her lack of a work permit >and being a complete stranger. Crow: But free interns having such a high turnover rate, he'd be a fool NOT to hire her! >But after discovering her bubbly nature and her love of talking (after >recovering from her ailments), he decided to relent and let her work >there. Tom: Because that put her into a soundproof booth. >So far everything had been going smoothly >and there were no bumps on the road. > >Until 2 days ago. Joel: Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Crow: Actually, it was the M. Night Shyamalan version so nobody cared. >As he wrapped his arms around the girl, he felt her trembling slightly. >He couldn't see her face as her huge curls acted as an obstruction. Tom: Tell me, Joel, has any of your employers ever just held you when you were feeling bad? Joel: Uh, I really can't talk about it, the lawsuit is still pending. >"Josefa(He called her that, since she did not have a name.)? If you are >not feeling well, maybe we should call it a day, it's almost 10pm" >Senor Adriano spoke. Tom: It's Mexican Radio *After Dark*... Crow: I'll take over your shift... oops, I'm on! "Uh... that was... somebody singing... something! And now... here's more music from... a band that plays... music you'll like! Yeah, baby! >"I'm fine, I … I just having a migraine." Josefa sighed audibly. "I just >feel weird, like there something nagging in my brain…" her head hung as >though in defeat. Joel: FOR GOD'S SAKE, IT'S BEEN MONTHS AND YOU STILL CAN'T REMEMBER *ANYTHING*!? AT LEAST DO A CROSSWORD PUZZLE OR SOMETHING, I'M DYING HERE!!! >" No worry, let's go home. I will call someone else to take over you, >okay? I…" Before Senor Adriano could finished, Josefa screamed shrilly, >her whole body shook violently, her eyes rolled to the back of her head. Tom: Those Chris Brown songs hit the women like a ton of bricks, don't they? >Senor Adriano was taken back by surprise. But before he could react to >this strange situation, it stopped. Josefa stood stiffly, like a stature, her >eyes staring blankly at him. Crow: ...like a dead fissure? >"Josefa?" Senor Adriano inched forward; fear suddenly took hold of him, >though he knew not why. "Are…" he stopped when Josefa spoke up. Tom: I've... I've been moonlighting on NPR. Crow: I CAN'T SPONSOR YOUUUUUU!! >"Designated codename: Enero. Online." She droned. Crow: D'aww, she's about to kill her first president. Isn't that precious? Tom: Either that or the Queen. Stop her, Enrico Palazzo!! >A sudden flash of red in her eyes was the last thing he saw before 2 >powerful hands gripped his throat. Joel: She's just as frustrated as we are over Top 40 playlists nowadays. >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Crow: No, no, you only need to sign X once, dearie. Joel: Here you see the mama X leading her babies to the alphabet soup. >" One down, eleven to go" Tom: "Enero Does a Dozen"! Starring Yulvana Blowjob as Enero and Dick Current as The Unsuspecting Mailman with a Package. >2 > >"Ohhh, /Mademoiselle/ , which dress do you think look better on >me, hmmm?" The plump convivial lady chirped brightly as she place >a flowery dress over her body and admiring herself at a body >length mirror. Crow: Gah! Pick a tense and stick with it, will ya? >/None of them, porc./ The pink short hair girl thought with a mental >sigh, but she forced herself to smile radiantly. " Well, the dress you >are currently holding sure fits you perfectly, like a glove." Joel: All fifty dresses look SPLENDID! And I swear I'm not on commission! Tom: Have we checked our stock of girdles? >Her sarcastic remark was lost to the woman, who frowned and shook her >head, > >"/Non, //il ne regarde pas assez bon./ Please, find better dresses! All >these dresses you selected looked horrible!" The woman exclaimed bluntly. Crow: Yeah, your assez is pas bon, lemme tell yew whut. >Ophelie felt her throbbing headache getting worse as he glared daggers >at the narcissistic woman. /You fat bitch…/ She thought irritably as she >looked back at the heaps of clothes she pulled out just for this woman. Joel: Hmm, I could hide the body in there... Crow: Suddenly Al Bundy doesn't seem like such a jerk. >Ophelie wondered why she decided to become a clothing store assistant, >probably because of her love of clothing or the more major reason of >feeding her stomach. Joel: It's because she likes to EAT THE CUSTOMERS. Tom: She'll have leftovers for days with this woman. >Her earliest memory was when she woke up in a dingy little house, on a >bed with a elderly couple tending to her injuries and exhaustion. Crow: Worst... threesome... ever. >They told her that they found her just lying in a dark alleyway 2 months >ago when they were on their way home one day. Thinking she was some >homeless child and seeing the cuts and bruises on her body, they decide >to bring her to their abode. Joel: Hot damn, Martha! Finally, the coat rack we've been looking for! Tom: 1% of all runaway kids are never seen again... because clueless old people take them home. >When they questioned her identity, to her surprise and horror, she >couldn't remember a single thing. The elderly couple decided to >christen her as Ophelie, which she thought was a beautiful name. Crow: Unfortunately her new last name was Nutmeg. Tom: And it seemed appropriate considering her forked tongue. >She decided to take a job at a clothing store to help keep ends meet, >being the sole breadwinner of this 'family'. She regretted her decision >almost instantly. Joel: Especially when the clothing store read "WAL*MART" on the outside. >/The reason why I'm still here, you little shit, is because I was lucky >the manager decided not to ask for any identification. /Ophelie thought >before a sudden pang of pain shot through her head, causing her to bend >forward slightly. Joel: Looks like somebody... (puts on a pair of sunglasses)... hit the snooze on the sleeper. Tom: YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! >"What are you waiting for, /Mademoiselle, /find me better dresses!" The >woman retorted, unaware of Ophelie's predicament. Crow: Sorry, Ma'am, the circus won't be in town for another week. Tom: Zing! >"It hurts, it hurts so much!" Ophelie screamed out, unable to block >the pain any longer. Crow: One hour later, the police arrived to find the body of an obese woman crushed to death in a size 00 dress. Joel: Death by glamour. >It felt like something dark was worming its way into >her mind, breaking all her defenses, until…until… Joel: GAHHHHROOVY!!! >A few patrons turned their head to her direction, wondering what caused >the outburst. The woman took a uncertain step as Ophelie began to shake >violently, spittle flying out of her mouth. Then she stopped. Tom: Sorry, minor seizure, now what was your size again? Joel: And THAT'S why employees need at least an hour for lunch. >The plump woman was figuring how to complain to the manager of such >bizarre display of action when she saw Ophelie's inhuman red eyes and >unnatural standing position, like a staure. Crow: No matter how you try to fake it, you're not a mannequin. Now get me more size 4's to try on. >"Designated codename: Fevrier. Online" All: Night Fevrier, night Fevrier... she knows how to kill YOU! >The woman did not have time to scream before a sharp kick to the head >shattered her cranium and ended her existence. Joel: Boot to the head never felt so sweet. >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Crow: Tom: THIS RIFF HAS BEEN TAKEN DOWN FOR A COPYRIGHT CLAIM FROM 20TH CENTURY FOX. Crow: Oh, bite me! >"Two down, ten to go." > >3 > >"Excuse me, /Frau."/ Tom: Not exactly the catchphrase that captured the hearts of America. Crow: "That's Our Fuhrer!" >The purple-haired girl looked up from the doodling on her notebook >and into the eyes of a young burly youth. Joel: Draw me like one of those Jusenkyo girls. Tom: Okay! *splash* Shampoo start over! >She found herself blushing almost immediately, slamming her notebook shut >so that he would see her childish drawings. Crow: For the record, miss, I am NOT a wiener man, nor a doo-doo head and I'll see you in my office after school. >"Yes? How c-can I he-elp y-you?" she stuttered, mentally cursing herself >for having this speech impediment. It always made her sound like a fool >and idiot and she wished she could get rid of this annoying pest. Tom: Which is why she threw her considerable talent into drawing!.... wait. >The youth seemed amused at her difficulty in speaking, but was a >gentleman enough to avoid making fun of her. Instead, he asked >" I seemed to have a problem with my library card, could you >please help me scan it again so I could borrow my books?" he >smiled warmly. Crow: Certainly, you DO have 15 forms of ID, right? >Conradina's was lost in those warm blue eyes, it just feel so…friendly, >so… Joel: Suddenly a floater appeared and broke the mood. >She managed to snap out of her trance and immediately focusing on her >task, taking his library card with sweaty palms and grabbing hold of >huge tome, shaking her head to get rid of those thoughts. Tom: Oh man, this'll take a while... still, I swore to read the book before I saw the movie. >"/Psychology: The Study of the Unknown", /the title of the tome stood >out in golden letters. Crow: The prequel to "/Reverse-Psychology: Fine, Don't Buy My Book, I Don't Care, Go Read Another Stupid Comic Then, Dummy!"/. >Conradina grimaced slightly at the title. How ironic. Here she was, having no >memories of her past, suddenly finding herself in Germany with no knowledge >of how she got here 2 months ago. Tom: Actually, it was *3* months ago, but she lost another month trying to regain her memory by hitting herself in the head. Joel: Still, having access to all that bratwurst WAS pretty sweet. >She was so afraid back then; she's certainly no lionheart. She would >have lost her mind from fear if she didn't find an orphanage. Crow: Now fear is her bitch. >The kind people there took her in since she was still 17 or so. They provided >her with warm food and shelter and showered love on her, making her feel >blessed. Tom: Did any of this involve a kennel? Joel: Eat your milk bone dear, so your teeth will grow big and strong! >When they asked where were her parents though, her mind would >immediately draw a blank, panic started bubbling in her guts and she >would burst into tears. They later recommended her to the national >library to work as a librarian. Crow: Yeah, nothing beats depression like the Dewey Decimal System. >/How I hate this feeling of the unknown/. She grimaced again as her >headache returned with a vengeance. /And this stupid headache too. >How many days have it been?/ Joel: What does "Inception" mean? Tom: I don't know, but the trailer music may explain her headache. >"You are beautiful, /hübsche dame."/ > >Conradina looked up sharply, a gasp stuck in her throat as her blush >began to deepen to a dark shade of red. Joel: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME!? >"/D-D-Danke/." She whispered timidly as her hand holding the card began to >tremble slightly, her heart was beating furiously in her chest. All: DRUM SOLO!!! >/He's…He's flirting with me!/ She thought joyfully, temporarily forgetting >her task and her headache. /No boy ever done that to me before…Mein Gott…/ Crow: So no one's attempted to pick up the nerdy yet available librarian chick? Ja, right. >Her pleasant thoughts were cut short when the headache returned, but >this time it felt like her head was splitting. She fell forward, banging >her elbows on the marble desk as tears leaked from her eyes. Joel: It was almost as painful as her daily paper cut. >/Make it stop make it stop make it stop…, /her thoughts became more >and more meaningless as she felt herself slipping into darkness. Crow: The sad but inevitable conclusion to pursuing a career in the library. Tom: You should absolutely get one of the thesauruses down, give us some amazing synonyms right now. Joel: "Cease". "End." "Complete." >A sudden scream shook the boy and many library-goers to their core, it >sounded like a banshee to him. Tom: Uh-oh, Conan the Librarian has returned from the wilds of the biography stacks. >He watched in terror as the girl he had a crush on writhed on the desk >like a dying snake. Joel: With the exception of the dying part, that actually sounds kinda hot. Crow: He quickly ran over to the CDs, found some Def Leppard, and blasted "Pour Some Sugar On Me" over the PA system. Tom: Oooh, baby, tell me you're shedding your skin next. Rawr. >Suddenly she stopped. Joel: Young miss, this is a library and you're the librarian! Have you any manners? Crow: Old bat, I am fetish fuel in a fanfic. Hush up and find your singles. >Before he could voice his concern, however, she spoke, standing as >though she was a soldier in attention. A brief flash of red glowered >in her brown eyes. Tom: I'M LOOKING FOR SARAH CONNOR. >"Designated codename: Marz. Online." Tom: GET YOUR ASS TO ME. >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Three down, nine to go." > >4 Tom: No, I said THREE! Pay attention! Joel: Next agent -- is at a Taco Bell! After that... is an Uber driver! Crow: And then... brace yourself... a house realtor! >" Would you hurry up?! We are going to be late for school!" the little >boy whined at his red-haired sister. Crow: Oh, we missed it... it's the bus driver. Tom: No, it's not the bus driver. Aunt Jemima has topped her LAST PANCAKE. >He was already in his school uniform and was impatiently stamping his feet >on the polished wooden floor, creating a racket loud enough to wake up the >dead. Joel: Geez, what's the rush, kid? Is it pizza day at school or something? >Michele groaned irritably and using her arm to prop herself to a sitting >position on her bed. She was having a hell of a headache already and >this din was not making things any better. Tom: Look, here's twenty bucks, kid. Go to McDonalds, I'll come pick you up... *yawns* ...eventually... ZZZZzzzz.... >As she strolled lazily into her bathroom, she couldn't help but think how loud >and annoying her brother was. Or at least she tried to see him as her brother. Tom: Ah, we must be in Japan now. Joel: Notice me, onii-chan!! Crow: Well, a yandere WOULD be more suited to being a sleeper assassin. >2 months ago, she woke up in a Italian police station. Crow: "woke up", eh? Tom: No more Negroni... uuuaaauuuggghhh... >Confused and frightened by her surroundings and to add oil to fire, she >had no recollection of her past. Tom: Your last name wouldn't happen to be Bourne, would it? >After she woke up, she was given some sandwich to eat, which she devoured >like a ravished wolf. Joel: They kept her well away from the donuts. >Then she was being questioned about her identity, which she honestly told >them she couldn't remember. Tom: Who were you on the night of the twelfth!? Crow: Got something in a missing Kardashian sister? Perhaps a trophy wife in Naples who's gone missing? >Michele heard one of the policemen muttered "Amnesia." And her blood ran >cold. She couldn't have amnesia, could she? The thought alone send chills >down her spine. Crow: Born of cold and winter air, and mountain rain combing... Joel: Crow, NO. Just let it go. Tom: PLEASE. >She spent a few days in a jail cell (the police thinking she must be a >asylum seeker due to the lack of identification papers on her), Joel: She was having such a good time, she LITERALLY forgot all her troubles. >until finally, a family of 3 identified her as one of their kin, thanks >to the small news of her appearance. Crow: Lost and Found: Three boobed Amnesia victim. Come to Police Station to claim. Joel: THAT'S OUR BABY! >When they first entered the cell, she looked at them curiously, as she >never seen them before. The moment her family laid their eyes on her, >they immediately rushed forward, crying tears of joy and sprouting out >blessing and thanks to who-know-who. Tom: Jim Sterling? Crow: They're prepping for the next Aristocrats joke. Better find the skintight spandex, hope you don't mind scat. >"/Soella!/" The little boy cried out, hugging his sister tightly, who >just stare at him strangely. "Who…who are you people?" she questioned , >trying to released herself out of the embrace of her little brother. Tom: It's your NEW FAMILY!!! Crow: Joel: "Soella Who?" Coming this fall on ABC! >Gasps of shock echoed in the tiny cell. The man took a step forward, his >lips trembling as he spoke, " Don't you remember us? We are your family." Crow: I hate you! Stop reading my diary! Now I remember why I wanted to forget you! >Michele shook her head as she splashed some water on her face, trying to >forget her shock and disbelief. Joel: Hasn't she forgotten enough already? >It was cringe worthy now that she thought it, her reaction must had been >laughable. Of course after their introduction, she lived with them for >the past 2 months and to be honest, it wasn't very easy. Tom: Living with hoarders is one thing, but dear God why did it have to be BEANIE BABIES!? >It was disconcerting to bid 2 strangers goodnight and handle to a >hyperactive child she almost felt no love for. Joel: Mama June feels your pain. Crow: Welcome to adulthood, even if it is early. >At least things were getting better now and she felt closer to them >(maybe less for her brother) and she attended school and make some >new friends. Life was peaceful for a while. > >Until today. Tom: The invasion came without warning. There had been no declaration of war, no news programs to say it was going to happen. It simply happened. >As Michele exited her bathroom fully changed to a sleeveless white >shirt and jeans, her headache suddenly took a turn for the worse >and she stumbled to the ground, her face a mask of pain. Joel: Her headache is flatlining! Quick, somebody break a vase over her head! >/Go away, you stupid thing, go-/ her eyes suddenly widened as she felt >a dark presence entered her brain, twisting every cog and wheels inside, >all for its malicious purpose. Crow: Yeah, trojans are a real bitch. Joel: Wait, she's a robot? Tom: Oh sure, make the ROBOT the killer. How very original! >The little boy arrived at his sister's side when he saw her thrashing >violently on the ground as though electrocuted, a scream emitting from >her mouth. Tom: WEEEOOOOH...! WEEEEOOOOOOH...! Crow: And bad breath! No wonder I call you "Halito-Sis". >"/Madre, Padre/, come quickly! Sister is hurt!" the boy >yelled for his parents desperately, looking at the doorway. Joel: Did anyone think to keep the receipt the police gave us? Maybe trade her in on a used drug dog? >Footsteps can be heard resounding down the corridor, but they >would not arrive in time to see her horrifying sight. Crow: That's what she gets for Googling the Hulk Hogan Sex Tape. Tom: Gahhh! >Suddenly, the boy felt no movement from his sister. He glanced upwards >only to see her standing still and stiff, like a plastic doll. Joel: Kid Sister™!? Wow, my wish came true! >The boy knew something was wrong, very wrong when her eyes >flashed red. Crow: Then her eyes flashed green and he breathed a sigh of relief. Tom: I swear I haven't been in your underwear drawer!! ...in the last week. >"Designated codename: Aprile. Online." Tom: If it was only twenty years ago, she could be America Online. Crow: Her special power would be throwing free CDs at people. Joel: Along with ninja dodging power when people threw them back. >She then turned her attention to the petrified boy. > >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Four down, eight to go" Tom: Eight more of these murderdeathkills? Crow: Apparently we're reading the fanfic equivalent of '1000 Ways to Die'. >5 > >" Focus, Komako! You need to concentrate!" The old man said, his long >white beard flowed gently in the cool breeze. Joel: And now we've managed to go full Uncle Iroh. Tom: Either that or we've wandered into 'Kill Bill: Vol. 2'. Crow: Damn it, not every white bearded old man is Pai Mei! It could be Gen... or Priest White Brows... or one of the dozens of white-haired villains from countless Kung-Fu movies...! Joel: Okay, Crow, okay... >In front of him stood a teenage girl with short dark hair, who was >panting from the effort she put in. Tom: I'm trying my best! Really! But I just don't see the space ship! Crow: It's a MAGIC picture, fool! You have to believe! Now CONCENTRATE! >" /Gomen nasai, Sensei," /the girl known as Komako bowed before >resuming to a defensive stance, both hands gripping onto a katanna, >which gleamed in the evening light. Tom: [smirking] You SURE this isn't Pai Mei? Crow: *sighs* If he jumps onto her sword, we'll talk. >The old man sighed before reuming to his own defensive stance with >a similar katanna in his hands. Joel: Samurai Futaba is getting too old for this shit. >In a flash, the girl sprinted forward before viciously swinging her blade >towards the old man. He casually raised his katanna to block the attack, >a metallic clang could be heard when the metals collided. Tom: That metallic clang wasn't the swords, that was the old man's hip replacement. >Immediately, she dropped to the ground, attempting to sweep-kick the old >man's feet. The old man leaped into the air and did a back flipped >before landing a distance away from the girl. Joel: Once a cheerleader, always a cheerleader. Tom: Crouching Teenager, Hidden Plot. >Komako rushed towards the old man before jumping into the air and >slashing her katanna downwards to him. Crow: This is how she always opens her Chef Boyardee at home too. >The old man dodged out of the way using his katanna to shield him before >grabbing the girl in mid-air and sending her forcefully to the ground. Tom: Time slowed to a crawl as she bounced painfully on the ground, her scream of pain echoing... Crow: YOU LOSE! 9...! 8...! >Then with the speed of a striking cobra, he poised the katanna near the >throat of his downed opponent, " Tom: I'm done training you. My timeshare in Boca Raton is calling me. >Sloppy." he commented, his tone indicating that he was not pleased with >her performance. He moved the katanna away from her so she could stand >up. Joel: Samurai Showdown? More like Samurai SLOWdown! >"Forgive me…" She murmured before collapsing to the ground on all fours, >panting heavily. The old man shook his head in disappointment. How is >she going to improve if this continued? Crow: Perhaps she could use the power of love and friendship? Tom: Or failing that, a proton cannon? >The old man thought back 2 months ago when he found this girl wandering >aimlessly around the forest in the mountain near his dojo. Joel: Hey, this is my Pokemon Go territory! Go away! >The girl was heavily malnourished, having not eaten for days and was near >death. He saved her and brought her to his dojo, where he fed her warm >food and provided shelter from the harsh outside world. Tom: In return, she kept his feet warm in the winter, fetched his paper in the morning and barked furiously at intruders. >When she recovered, he found out that she couldn't remember who she was >or how she ended up in the mountainous region. Crow: Then he noticed her breath smelled like Rugby player and wisely refrained from asking any more questions. >The old man sympathized her plight and allowed her to stay with him, >even participating in the training he gave to his students. Joel: Wipe down his forehead! Change the practice mats! Crow: Another 500 squats, this time directly over my crotch! Don't question me, just do it! >She managed to astonish him with her professional swordsmanship, >causing him to wonder how she got that touch. Tom: He suspected a Matrix of Leadership but got a dirty look when he asked to examine her chest more closely. Joel: Just wait till he finds out she's not left handed. >Komako had been improving steadily under his guidance, pleasing him >in every lesson. > >Until a few days ago. Tom: After playing "Undertale", I have decided to renounce fighting forever! OW! What'd you hit me for? >The old man eyed her trembling form, wondering if she was ill. Joel: S-So cold... I need the stuff... please, I need it bad... Crow: Foolish child! Did William S. Sessions teach you nothing!? >It started a few days ago, when she would complain about headaches that >were so severe that once she couldn't lift herself out of bed. Tom: Massive head trauma from years of fighting? NAHHH!!! >He started towards her and asked "Are you alright?"Komako stood up with >shaking legs and tiredly nodded affirmative. Joel: I'm only mostly dead. >"You seems tired. Let's continue tomorrow." The tired girl smiled gratefully >towards her master before it turned to a scream. Crow: Then Scream 2, then Scream 3, and then it *really* became repetitive and derivative. >Immediately, the old man grabbed her before she falls and at the same >time, sensing a huge amount of pure evil energy in the air, so evil that >the old man could feel the temperature of the field outside of his dojo >dropped rapidly. Joel: Hmm, knee's swelling up... that means evil's a-coming. >/What am I sensing?/ He thought in horror before realizing the girl >was not in his arms anymore. Joel: Sensei-sense tingling...! Tom: Trust Fall Fail. >In fact, she stood a few feet away from him, standing still like a >sentinel of the field, her eyes devoid of any emotion. /How-/ he >couldn't finish his train of thoughts when Komako suddenly appeared >in front of him-almost as if she teleported-and slashed the unprepared >man in the chest with her katanna. Crow: HA! FINALLY caught you off-guard! Uh... you can stop bleeding anytime now... oh crap. Tom: Free open-heart surgery! Thanks Obamacare! >The force of the slash threw the old man off his feet and landing on the >ground, his blood seeping from his wound and mixing with the soil. Joel: Oh man, being wounded is bad enough but now it's sure to become infected! >He grimaced in pain and looked up, seeing his student looming over him >emotionlessly. " Komako, how… why…" the old man said weakly, his >vision blurring, but not enough to miss seeing her eyes turned red. Crow: It was Komako, in the dojo, with the katana. It doesn't take Detective Conan to figure this out. >"Designated codename: Satsuki. Online" > >xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Five down, seven to go." Joel: On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... seven packs of smokes, Tom: Six packs of two-four! All: Five golden toques! Crow: Four pounds of back bacon, Tom: Three French toast, Joel: Two turtlenecks, All: And a beer... in a treeeeee!!! Tom: Whew, fun. >Prologue (2) > >6 Joel: Then put your little hand in mine... There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb... Tom: Okay campers, rise and shine and don't forget your booties cause it's COOOLD out there today! Crow: Well, we've had six of one prologue, time for half a dozen of the other. >/Something's her mind./ Crow: Uhh, what is a brain, Alex? Joel: Somewhere's the rest of the predicate. >That's what flashed through Cammy's mind when she watched the short >orange-haired girl. Tom: Ah, finally! Six chapters in and we have our first principal character! Crow: Now if we can just figure out which edition of Street Fighter II this is, we'll be in business! >Juni was fidgeting on her seat, her eyes staring blankly at the mug >she was gripping tightly with her hands. Joel: Umm, could you please let go of my face? >The aroma of home-brewed tea wafted lazily in the suddenly tense room. Tom: Because when you think of Street Fighter Two Hyper Alpha Super X, you think chamomile tea and relaxation. >Cammy stared intensively at the girl who, just 2 months ago, was a >brainwashed assassin who killed many innocent lives for the most >dangerous man in the world, all against her free will. Joel: Yeah, that'll happen when you work for Nic Cage. >/Just like how I once was./ Crow: And after that, when I was brainwashed by M. Bison, I really raised some hell! >" A penny for your thoughts?" the silence was dissipated by her voice. > >Juni shifted slightly on her seat before getting up from the table. She >walked silently to the window, which was facing the west, just in time >to see the crimson-red sun disappearing over the horizon. Cammy >followed suit without a word. Tom: This tea is liquid shit. >"The nightmares, they returned again when I had an afternoon nap." She >spoke so softly, Cammy had to strain her ears in order to hear her. Joel: ONE... TWO... FREDDY'S COMING FOR YOU... Tom: Juni's getting Cammy prepared for a jump-scare.... any second now... ANNNNNNY SECOND NOW... >Cammy nodded her head in sympathy. She had the same problems as Juni >during the first month of her new life. Joel: I kept dreaming I was Kylie Minogue... I don't even LIKE pop music! >To say they weren't pleasant would be the understatement for the year. They >were downright horrifying that Cammy developed insomnia then, of course >they went away, but still… Crow: It's so easy to cure insomnia. Just sleep on it. >How Juni got to London still puzzled Cammy. Joel: Plane? Crow: Bus? Tom: VIA Rail? No wait, I'm thinking of London, Ontario. >It was 2 months ago when a group of park-goers found her lying on a >bench in Hyde Park unconscious. Tom: Coincidentally, the mangled remains of a group of park-goers were found in Jekyll Park the night before. >She was still wearing her Shadaloo uniform and given the company's >notorious reputation, it didn't need an Einstein to figure out who >she was. Joel: She's clearly a member of Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world! >They quickly informed the authorities to take her away. Crow: Right, what's all this then? Oh, bugger me sideways, another one of those Shadaloo tarts! Blimey, they're coming out of the woodwork, they is. Well then, on your feet, Missy! >Once they had her under custody, they informed Colonel Wolfman of >Delta Red, who informed Cammy of their new 'guest'. Joel: Under custody? Actually, never mind. I'm happier not knowing. >When Cammy entered the interrogation room, she felt nervous. But >when she saw Juni slumped wearily on her seat, all her nervousness >was replaced with concern. Tom: Her posture is horrible! She'll suffer back pain later in life if she doesn't change her ways! >Her eyes wasn't dead and lifeless like a robot, but filled with >emotion like shock, fear, confusion… Tom: NGGGHHH... BRAINS... ITCHY... TASTY... Crow: Speaking of dead and lifeless, Cammy, how's your victims doing? OOH, BURN! Joel: FYI, robots are filled with emotion like sensitivity. >After questioning her, Cammy found out that the girl couldn't remember >anything, not her time as an assassin of Shadaloo nor how she got to >London. Tom: Am-me-sia is awe-some! Am-mes-ia is cool when you're part of a team... That killed lots of peo-ple! Now for-got-ten like a dream! >Initially, the Colonel wanted to keep her in custody for further >questioning, but she rebuked by saying it would be pointless >considering she had lost her memories and at the same time being >in custody could further scar the poor girl's already disturbed mind. Crow: So they tagged and released Juni into the wild so she could run free and play with the other brainwashed dolls. >In the end, Colonel Wolfman relented and allowed Juni to stay with >Cammy. Joel: Because accused murderers are AWESOME houseguests. Tom: '2 Broken Girls'. Coming this fall to CBS! >In the 2 months spent with her, Cammy taught Juni about society, >politics and economy and how to act normal in the public. Crow: Are we watching a chick flick now? Joel: Girl, you're gonna learn how to get on your own two feet and the most important thing a woman can have... a good man! Tom: How Juni Got Her Groove Back. >So far, she was doing pretty when. At least she didn't walked out of >a clothing store without paying. Joel: That would've be an biggest mistaken. Tom: Agreeing total within you. Crow: Words. >Cammy's train of thoughts was interrupted by a gasp from Juni. Joel: This is my stop! >The girl stumbled forward, one hand clutching her head while the >order hanged onto the window sill for support. "It hurts, it hurts so >much…" Juni panted, her eyes shut tightly in pain and fresh tears >were forming there. Tom: She wants to do the genocide route so bad but just can't bring herself to kill Papyrus. Crow: Heh, who could? >"Juni! Are you all right?" Cammy bent down and placed a comforting >hand on her Juni's shoulder, only for her to be brushed aside forcefully. Joel: Oh, we're breaking into a rendition of Absolutely Fabulous? Crow: Not nearly enough vodka for that. Tom: For them or for us? Crow: Yes. >"Gah…ah…argh…" inhuman sounds escaped from Juni's gritted teeth, >her whole body trembling. Joel: Hmm, anyone else starting to see a pattern here? >As Cammy got up, her surprise turned to apprehension, Juni eyes >flashed red and noticeably dark aura seeped out of her body. Tom: The evil that lies within... the inhuman sounds... *gasp* She's an Inhumanoid! >/No, it can't be possible, he's dead, I saw it with my own eyes, >he's dead HE'S DEAD HE COULDN'T BE ALIVE HE COULDN'T!/ Crow: THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! HE CAN'T BE HERE! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE FOR HIM TO BE HERE! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT HE IS HERE!!! *door slam* >"JUNI! DON"T LET HIM GET TO YOU!" Cammy screamed as she >launched herself to the girl, only to met a backhanded slap. Tom: IT'S MY SCENE, BITCH! MINE!!! Crow: Oh, for bloody sake! Work with me, you shambolic bint! >As Cammy landed heavily onto the ground, her eyes widen in horror as >she saw the Doll agent slowly advancing towards her, her eyes glowing >menacingly. Tom: It's the wide eyes of horror versus the glowing eyes of menace! WHO WILL BLINK FIRST!? >"Designated codename: Juni. Online." > >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Six down, six to go." Crow Yayyy! We're officially halfway through the... prologue... Joel: Juni? She didn't even change her codename? Tom: Way to let your secret identity get pissed through your fingers. >7 & 11 Crow: No thanks, I'm good for Slurpies. Tom: Does that mean we have to stop reading now? Store policy, you know. Joel: Dream on, Servo. >There she lay, like a corpse whose eyes remained open even after >death, on the bed. Crow: Oh goodie, I was wondering when zombies would start showing up. Joel: It's Capcom, zombies are never that far behind. >Ever so silent since the day she and her companion was found >in the plains near their village. > >The love of his life. Tom: Wait, did we suddenly switch over to 'Shadow of the Colossus'? >'s sigh resounded inside the tiny tent set up only for her. Joel: Who? Crow: Apostrophe S... in a role that will SHOCK you! >He requested so to the chief and since was seen as a hero among the >tribe and was reverted almost like a god, the chief fulfilled his >wish and ordered his men to build a single tent just for her. Tom: And now we just flipped from Colossus to a random opening of a Japanese kaiju flick? Crow: We're just as confused as you are, folks. >sighed again, his mammoth hand caressing her pale cheek. Joel: Mammoth hand? Well, we can rule out Donald Trump then. Tom: Is... is this like 'Kill Bill' where they bleep out the protagonist's name only without the bleep? Crow: Bleep if I know. >If he did so in the past, she would giggle like a schoolgirl and punch >his shoulder playfully. But now, she didn't react, not even a single >twitch of an eye, or her mouth curving upwards. > >Nothing. Tom: Aww crap, did I forget to take the trash out again? >felt his heart slowly shattering piece by piece. Although he was a >bulky and muscular man, whom anyone glanced upon would think >twice about messing with him. Joel: Wait, men have FEELINGS? Get out! >However, he let a single drop of tear slipped by. Crow: It splashed on the ground with a macho grunt. >It was too emotional for him, after those long and tiring months searching >desperately for her and Little Eagle, leaving no rocks unturned, and >when he found her, she was in a catatonic state, a vegetable. Joel: Lucky thing he found the right rock. >As he gazed upon the brunette, it felt to him as if she was a life-size >model, a mannequin, a do- Tom: Let's just pray this big guy isn't named Buck. >"Still no change?" a soft female voice spoke behind him. > >The giant of a man turned around and met with a familiar face of Little >Eagle, the daughter of a family that was close to his. Joel: Daddy was right. You are a WEIRDO. >They were childhood friends, at least for her; he was in his teens when she >was just a child. Crow: He would've found friends closer to his own age but he found he really enjoyed tea time. >They were so close that they would confine each other's secret or problem to >each other. Tom: Sometimes I wear your panties. Crow: Sometimes I wash them. >That's how she knew 's love for Julia. Tom: But it was not to be... he was getting scrubbed from this time, "Back to the Future"-style. Soon even his ['s] would disappear, leaving behind nothing but a manly tear. >shook his head in resignation, one of his hands rubbing his forehead to >get rid of the mental tiredness he was feeling. Joel: Where the street fighters have no name... >"No, she's still comatose. There seemed to be no progress at all." His >voice sounded unnaturally flat. > >Little Eagle stepped forward to hug him; he embraced her back. The >warmth from her body helped thawed the coldness in him. Tom: I'm not feeling it unless there's a hair band power ballad involved. Joel: Don't know what'chu got... 'till it's gaw-wa-wan... >She smiled wearily at him, her eyes twinkling with life, a deep >contrast with Julia's. "We can only pray to the heavens and wait. >Maybe one day a miracle will appear." She said hopefully. Tom: **imitates horse whinnying from off-stage** Crow: Miracle! Just the deus ex machina we needed! Take us away from the French Revolution! >wanted to share her optimism, but when he >looked back at Julia… he just couldn't. Joel: Don't you think it would be better if you referred to "him" as "it"? >"Maybe…" he lied. "How's your headache?'' > >Little Eagle made a face that brought a genuine smile to his own. >"It sure is a persistent one, I can't seem to get rid of it." All: D'OH! Crow: This entire fanfic is an infomercial for Excedrin! Tom: When you've got a premise THIS repetitive... >Even since she was found, she managed to adapt back into the tribe, >living almost how she was in the past, of course /sans /the memories. Crow: Sans for... the memories... Tom: Are we closing our arguments? If so, can I suggest ? >Still, she was fairly healthy, both physically and mentally, until she >complained of headaches a few days ago. > >"Let's go out and eat." She suggested, changing the subject. "Sure," >replied as he walked to Julia's bedside and leaned forward to kiss her >cheek. Joel: You know, if he just kissed her on the LIPS, the evil spell would've been broken months ago. Tom: Poor dope. >"Get better soon, I will be waiting." He whispered gently her ears >before getting up and following Little Eagle of the opening of the >tent. Crow: Wait, her ears got up and left? What? >Just as they stepped out, however, Little Eagle suddenly stumbled to her >knees; her face was a mask of agony, both her hands clutching the sides >of her head. > >"ARGGH!" she let out a bloodcurdling scream. Joel: Yeah, that was my sister's reaction when she saw the trailer for the live action Jem movie. >Immediately, was at her side in an instant. "Little Eagle, or you all >right?" he questioned, alarmed. Crow: All my friends are dying! It's just like the Europeans are coming again! >He received no reply as the girl continued her struggle >with…something. Tom: Clearly she's struggling with her tendency to overact. Joel: Somebody in central casting needs to get canned, like yesterday. >Before could alert the other tribe members, he heard a noise behind, >like a bed rattling as though someone was thrashing on it, He averted >his sight from Little Eagle and to the bed and saw…Julia standing up. Crow: Who set my alarm?! Dammit, I wanted to sleep in this MORNING! Not this YEAR! >Little Eagle's scream seemed like it was coming from another planet all >of a sudden. couldn't believe his eyes. Joel: So Little Eagle was a Body Snatcher this whole time? Tom: They're here already! You're next! You're next...! >He gingerly advanced towards the girl who was strangely standing rather >stiffly. "Julia!" he exclaimed as he grabbed her arms. "You are okay! >You are-" his happy mood was cut short when he saw the blank look from >her face and how her eyes were glowing red. Crow: Oh wait, it's after 7:00pm. That's normal for a Capcom zombie. Tom: Yeah, all my dates ask for money up front before anything more happens. >/No, it can't be, I heard he was gone, gone forever, so what does this >mea-/ Tom: It means that Marvel's writers got involved.... AGAIN. Crow: All deaths must come with pre-written retcons or you're fired. >felt a hand gripping his shoulder. Turning around, he met face to face >with Little Eagle once more, only she had the similar blank expression >on her face and her eyes… Joel: Her nose, however, glowed red like a cherry. >"Designated codename: Juli. Online." > >"Designated codename: Noembelu. Online." Tom: Isn't announcing their code names a bit of a breach of security? Joel: Next we'll get treated to a brainwashee having an argument with herself. Crow: "We want a better codename! Shut up, we'll take what we get and like it! We hate you! We've ruined our life! That's it, go to our trailer! Wahhhhhh..!!" *slam* >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Eight down, four to go." > >8 Crow: I wasn't ready for a twelve course prologue, mind if we doggie bag the rest? Tom: *burp* May I please be excused from the theater? Joel: Here, have some Tums. They should help. >" And the next contestant to face the Bò Du'c, is Nguyet!" the >announcer yelled enthusiastically at his microphone. Tom: GOOOOOD MORNING VIETNAM!!! Crow: Actually, Robin Williams as a fight commentator would've been hilarious. >The cheer from crowd was deafening, to say the least. Joel: What? >Everyone was eager to watch another contestant face off the Vietnamese >martial arts champion to claim the title for their own, only to fall >short and on their face. Crow: Someone really needs to mop up that ring. Joel: I'm on break. >In the Bò Du'c's long fighting career, no one has ever defeated him. He >was like a juggernaut, plowing down all his opponents with ease. >Needless to say, he became a fan favorite. All: GOOOOOLD-BERG... GOOOOLD-BERG... >Everyone wanted to see a confident challenger defeated and humiliated >by the unstoppable champion. Tom: An actual competitive fight? Nuts to that! Give us total squashes and keep 'em coming! >Still, the chance of having their dignity hurt did not deter many more >to fight him. And it seemed like the next foolish one to do so is a >female, a teenage one so to speak. Tom: RIP THE GIRL APART! Crow: MAKE FUN OF HER HAIR! Joel: COOTIES! COOTIES! COOTIES! >Nguyet walked casually up onto the platform; from the way she walked, >it seemed as though she was window-shopping instead of facing off the >Vietnamese champion of martial arts. Tom: Aww, she's so small... she's more like a McNguyet. >There was a confident streak in her and the spectators couldn't wait >to see it crush in the next few minutes. Joel: So much for rooting for the underdog. Crow: Even Rocky Balboa couldn't win over this crowd. Tom: They might cheer for Topper Harley though, especially after he chooses to dip his gloves in caramel. >"Go, Nguyet! Show them what you got!" a small crowd of spectator >rooted for her, standing out like a sore thumb in the sea of /Bò >Du'c's/ fans. > >Ngyuyet smiled to herself, touched at her people cheering for her. /I >better not disappoint them. /She thought as she put on a fighting stance >against her opponent. Tom: Hmm, which fighting stance should I go with today... the chiffon cat's paw or the mackinaw monkey fist? >Ngyuyet had been training for the past month, developing her fighting >skills in preparation for the tournament. After all, she wanted to do her >village proud. At least, she thought it was her village. Joel: I hung my hat on the village gate, that makes it my home now, right? >2 months ago, she found herself waking up in an unfamiliar environment, >a rundown hut in a rural village in Vietnam. Crow: Which was far less pleasant than the time she woke up in the ball pit of a Chuck E. Cheese. Tom: [flatly] Opinions vary. >At first confused with her surroundings, her mind was put to ease when >she learnt that the hut tenants meant her no harm. Tom: Anyone else envisioning the rope scene from that 'Mad Max' movie? Crow: Please, can't we just get beyond Thun... Joel: NO. >She was told she was wandering aimlessly in the forest near their >village. She has scratches on her body due to be cut by the >vegetation there and was severely malnourished. Crow: Is Cabbage gonna have to cut a bitch? Joel: How would you like it if salad tossed YOU? >What intrigued the villagers who found her was the fact that she >had a blank expression on her face, as though sleepwalking. When >questioned, she expressed no knowledge of that. Tom: So they hired Kenneth Starr to investigate the facts. >Since she suffered from memory loss, the villagers decided to >name her Ngyuget. Crow: See, I would have been the asshole villager that would have called her Nguyet Forget. >As she stood on the arena, Tom: Hey! Get down from there! If you wanna commit suicide, just get in the ring already! >she took note of her opponent's appearance. The famed champion really >doesn't look anything special. He had the build of an average man, >just a little more muscular. His face was covered with a red luchador >mask that seemed very out of place in this country, however his fans >loved it. Joel: Especially when he answered their e-mails. Tom: Holy crap! I didn't know I was fighting a ladying-type! Do ya want'a my bod? >His sweaty body glistened under the sunlight and his hairy chest >heaved in and out as he breathed heavily. Joel: 'Unstoppable champion', huh? Then why does he sound like he's about to pass out? >/How disgusting to think I have to fight with him…,/ she thought, >averting her gaze from him for a moment. Crow: I've wrestled in some of the finest jello in the world, I don't have to settle for this! >The man scrutinized his mew challenger from head to toe. Seeing >that she was just a teenage girl, he let out a confident smirk. "Since >you are a lady, how about I let you have the first strike." He gave a >mock bow." Joel: Is this when she pulls out her pistol, Indiana Jones-style? Tom: We can only hope. >/How dare he looked down on me!/ Ngyuget fumed as she launched >towards her opponent with her fist raised. Crow: Yikes... talk about telegraphing. Tom: When that failed, she raised a foot and hopped across the ring toward him. >The champion grabbed her fist and swung her over his shoulder with ease. Crow: Welp, that was fun. Time to put you in my trophy case, mind the glass. Tom: The next morning, she wakes up in yet ANOTHER random Vietnamese village.... and the cycle starts again. >Ngyuget landed gracefully on her feet before continuing her attack, >this time with a slide. Joel: And then a tire swing, and after that, a rope ladder. >The Bò Du'c did not see this coming and with a yell of surprise fell >forward as her legs tangled his legs. As he fell forward, Ngyuget, >launched a quick but powerful jab to his guts. > >The champion lay on the ground, trying to catch his breath. Crow: He's winded from one jab and a LEG takedown? Geez, who'd this guy bone to become champion? Tom: He's the Vietnamese Homer Simpson. >Ngyuget decided to press on with her advantage and was about >follow up with a kick to the side when the headache struck. Joel: I protest! Kicking a man when he's down is WRONG! >/No! Not now! /She cried out in anguish as her head felt like >someone was slamming a sledgehammer on it. The poundings, it >getting stronger, the pain, it's blocking out every sense in her >body… Tom: Maybe this is a clear sign that Vietnamese kickboxing is not good for your continued health? Crow: Especially if Wheezy here is the champion. >The /Bò Du'c / saw his opportunity, seeing the girl looked dazed. He >immediately slammed his body to hers, causing the girl to let out a >gasp. Joel: Uh, champ? That's not how you do a bodyslam. >Pressing on, he kneed her in the guts (/that's what she gets! /) >before following up with an uppercut, snapping her head back. He >ended his assault by flipping her over his shoulder and onto the >ground heavily, where she lay there motionless. Tom: Yeah, still Minor Circuit champion, baby! Don Flamenco, YOU'RE NEXT! >"It appears that the /Bò Du'c /has won again! Although the contestant >put out a good fight for a second, thanks to his superiority in skills >and speed, Crow: ...and a congenital brain defect that felled the challenger moments before she would've achieved certain victory... >the champion retains his title for another day!" The crowd roar with >joy at witnessing their idol defeated yet another wannabe; just a >small group of them sighed in disappointment. Crow & Tom: Le sigh... Joel: The round card bikini girl pouted in her seat. >The /Bò Du'c /did a victory pose by raising both his hands with the >V-sign and yelling "YEAH!" at the top of his lungs. Tom: Oh yeah, imitate Richard Nixon. THAT'LL get you over with the Vietnamese crowd. Crow: That's so Tet Offensive. >However, his moment of victory was ended abruptly when the announcer >exclaimed," What's this, it appeared that the contestant was getting >up!" Joel: Wait, no, she's down again... but now she's up... oh my goodness, ladies and gentlemen, she appears to be a SEX MACHINE! Crow: Are we absolutely sure that this isn't in Bangkok? Tom: Guys, stop trying to make the story interesting. >The champion turned back in surprise just in time to see the girl >standing up. /Inconceivable! Many people I faced would be down for >the count! And yet, there she is, getting up /… Crow: Referee Mario already counted to twenty. Game's over, man... err, lady. Joel: Won't he be surprised when she does a bull rush at him. >The champion noticed something wrong with her. Her face took on a >blank expression, unlike just now which was full of life. Here yes >which were once burning with passion was now ice-cold. That's not >all; they appeared to be glowing… Crow: And to top it off, she had a piece of canned spinach stuck in her teeth. Tom: (Starts humming the 'Popeye' theme song) Joel: THAT'S ALL I CAN STANDS, I CAN'T STANDS NO MORE... >The champion had no time to react when the girl seeming /teleported/ >behind him. Before he could cry out in shock, the girl grabbed his >head and with an audible snap, broke his neck. Tom: Never go in against a Doll when death is on the line. >As the lifeless body of the former champion crumbled to the ground, >screams of shock and terror could be heard from the spectator stand. Joel: We came for violence, not... THIS! Crow: Holy shit! Beer is $15 a cup? WHAT THE HELL?! >However they were lost to the lone figure standing in the arena. Tom: Finally, the Rock has come back to Vietnam. Joel: ROCKY! ROCKY! ROCKY! Crow: Fickle, aren't they? >"Designated codename: Santamu. Online." Tom: Which one is going to have their programming snap and bake their target cookies? Joel: Oh my! >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Nine down, three to go." Joel: Wow, that pack and a half of brewskis went fast. Crow: Still hasn't had the desired effect, either. >9 & 10 Crow: Two prologues for the price of one! Tom: [awed] And we didn't even need a coupon... wow. >"What do we have here?" > >The balding middle-aged man chuckled to himself when he saw the >2 girls in front of him shrank back in disgust and terror. Joel: Hi, my name is Larry... *hee hee*... Larry Laffer. Crow: Another new sitcom for Jason Alexander? Seriously? >He loved it when people do that; after all, he was one of the most >feared gang leaders in China. Tom: He keeps the Apple workers in line. >Anyone who knew the… things he had done to those who dared >opposed him would tremble in fear when they see him. Crow: He sends anonymous messages to IRS suggesting they audit? >"Where did you find them?" He turned to face his right-hand man, >Wong. The man was a giant, towering all of the gang members with >ease. Joel: Fortunately, he was friendly and often played a pleasant melody on his recorder. >He wore a pair of sunglasses, which gave a sinister vibe to him. Tom: Yeah, him and EVERY ASIAN GANGSTER EVER CONCEIVED!!! Crow and Joel: [stare at Tom] Tom: Sorry. Pet peeve of mine. >Fiercely loyal to the Boss, he would not hesitate to eliminate >anyone who the Boss ordered to be killed. Tom: Wong, kill the lights. Joel: Right, boss. HYAUUUUGH...!!! Crow: Unless of course it was an amnesiac chick, he found them super-hot with their willingness to go along with anything. >"At the back alley of one of the shop a few blocks down." The >giant answered with a thundering voice. Joel: And lightning speed, no doubt. Tom: Geez, tone it down, Raiden. >The Boss smiled as he strolled leisurely to the 2 cowering Chinese >girls. "Hmmm…not bad, they look beautiful and their body… >perfect. Crow: Kim Jong-un selects his date for the evening! >What a stroke of luck! Our prostitution business has been declining >due to the shortage of workers. Tom: Yeah, what with over a BILLION people to choose from, I can see how that'd be a problem. Joel: Maybe let your workers have more than 25% of the revenue? >The 2 of you will make-" he was cut off when the short-haired girl >yelled, '' Dream on you old fuck! My sister and I would not be >degraded into such low-life as you! /Qu si ba!"/ Crow: We have standards! We'll only be degraded by young, virile, elite scumbags! >The Boss smile falter for a second and his right eye twitched. He could >feel his anger boiling like lava inside him. Never had anyone disrespect >him! Joel: Then the boss remembered, he has goons. Tom: Like goons would work for somebody that just got totally PWNED! >He resisted the urge to slap the girl; he prided himself of a man >who can keep his cool and temper. Crow: So he asked Wong to do it. Joel: Sorry, Boss, I only eliminate 'em. Tom: Well, fudge. >He switched his attention from the hotheaded girl to her sister. The >girl had bun on her head and long flowing pigtails, one of which he >caressed in his hand. Tom: Don't mind me, I'm just taking it all in for the Interpol interrogation and the "based on a true story" movie starring Sandra Bullock in my future. >The girl whimpered and huddled into a tight ball, but made no >attempts to resist. Joel: Other than huddling into a tight ball, which obviously sends out mixed signals, right? >/Looks like she is going to be the easy./ The Boss thought >approvingly at the girl's submission. Tom: Oh really? And what's the other girl going to be. The intermediate? The expert? Crow: Doesn't matter cause I use cheat codes! Mwahahahaha!!! >Her sister launched herself to him, wanting to release his hold on >her sister's hair, only to be held back by Wong, who grabbed both >her wrist with an iron-grip. Joel: Let the man do something with that hair, you owe her that much. Tom: You'd better be a licensed hairstylist!! Joel: Hey, I'm not just his goon, I'm a client. >She could only squirm in futile as the other gang members in the >sleazy "comfort room" laughed at her. Crow: Surprisingly, the zebra skin couch and naugahyde door did little to comfort her. Joel: You can tell this place is out of the seventies, they carpeted their walls too. >"Don't worry, you will receive a handsome pay for you services; after >all, my ladies don't come cheap." He gave both girls a toothy grin. Crow: Actually, they seldom come at all. Tom: *ahem* That will do, Wong. >"Besides, you need money, don't you? From your bedraggled >appearances and less than fashionable clothes, I say that you two >must be living in the streets, right?" The silence from the girls >satisfied him. Tom: Um... I can't even. Dude everybody in our class wears this shit. Joel: For realz. He's like 1000... so sad he's like, older than my dad! Tom: OMG dying! XD!!! >" Just as I thought. Now, if you work for me, you don't have to live >in the streets no more. You can have a nice place to rest, good food >to eat, beautiful clothes to wear. Of course, at the cost of your >virginity…" Crow: Offer void after ten years or overly saggy tits, whichever comes first. >"Rot in hell first, creep, then maybe I will think about it." The >short-haired girl yelled back despite the pain she received from >Wong's grip. Tom: I have a fetish for decomposed sinners! Nothing else gets me hot! >The Boss gritted his teeth at her stubbornness. No doubt she was >going to get some sense whacked into her. Crow: Fortunately, his sense was only an inch long. Tom: >As he stared at the 2 girls, he felt as though he had seen them >before. As if they had been to one of the underworld meetings >a few years ago… Joel: Yeah, one sold cigars and the other sold cigarettes. >The Boss shook his head at the absurdity. No way this 2 pathetic >girls be in any criminal organization. They were too young and >beside, they don't even the mentality of a criminal. Crow: Why, I'll bet they aren't superstitious or cowardly at all! Tom: Guess I'm just going to have to sew packets of heroin into their clothes and send them on international adventures. >"Enough," he intoned. " Take them to the penthouse to receive their >training." A few men grinned wolfishly at the 2 girls; they couldn't >wait to train these beauties. Joel: Polishing the silver... ironing the linen... dusting the crystal chandeliers... man, it's gonna be SWEET! Crow: Ugh. Can't we just have sex instead? >One man grabbed the long-haired girl when suddenly she fell >onto the floor, screaming her head off while convulsing on the >floor. Tom: If we turn her upside-down, maybe we could mop the floor with her hair. Joel: Yeah, it'd be one loud mop though. >Looking up in alarm, he saw the other girl doing the same thing. >Wong had to struggle to retain his grip on the spasming girl. Crow: T-T-They doesn't seem t-t-too keen on the idea, b-b-boss! >/What's this? A ploy?/ Just as he finished his train of thoughts, >the girls cease their actions, their face lifeless as a stature >and their eye glowing red like an ancient demon. Tom: Whereas modern-day demons eyes glow a tasteful shade of turquoise. Crow: Possession prevented a kidnapping! Yay, demons! >"What is the meaning of this?!" No sooner the Boss exclaimed when >the short-haired girl swung her head back forcefully into Wong's >face. Wong released his grip, his hands covering his broken nose. >The girl then did a roundhouse kick to his head, sending him >crashing into the adjacent wall. Joel: Going on break, boss. *thud* Crow: Wow, he went down faster than an Andore. Tom: Yet not one brain cell was damaged... it was living safely within all that bone and empty space. >Meanwhile, the long-haired girl seemed to lose all her cowardice >and grabbed hold of the man's arm and twisted it. She was rewarded >with a loud 'snap' and the cry of pain from the man. Joel: Yeah! Way to stick it to the man! Crow: Society owes me! >As the Boss and the other gang members took a step back in fear >and shock, something clicked in the Boss's mind. Tom: Oh, he was Luke's father! Holy crap! >Those lifeless face, those blank eyes… he desperately hoped they >were not who he thought they were. Joel: The target audience for the Kardashians? >If they were the 'Twin Empresses of Crime", the 2 devils who ruled >the Chinese underworld a few months back with an iron fist… Tom: ...One wonders why Don Corneo here didn't recognize them earlier? Crow: What, and give away the same plot twist we've had for the last eight chapters now? For shame! >His hopes were shattered when the 2 girls announced their monikers >as they advanced to his quivering frame. Joel: They're the Japanese Laverne and Shirley. >"Designated codename: Xiayu. Online." > >"Designated codename: Jianyu. Online." Tom: asl? Crow: ... Tom: Eh, it was a worth a shoAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHH...!! >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Eleven down. One to go." Tom: They Were Eleven. Joel: I forget, which doll is the newcomer again? Crow: All of them. >12 Tom: So far, twelve ways to leave your lover. Though they're fairly identical with the final dispositions. >If someone ask her if she was cold, she would gladly snap the person's >neck in a fit of anger. > >The girl huddled into a tight ball, trying to conserve whatever little >warmth hat is left in her fragile body. Crow: Wait, are we still following the girls from the last chapter? >The small fire that she set up in the cave was her only companion; >unfortunately, It provided a pitiful amount of warmth for her, both >literally and metaphorically. Joel: She aspired to be the god of hellfire but had to settle for roadie. Tom: And she's burning.... what now? Crow: The remains of the bear that wasn't buried by the cave-in. Tom: Phew... oh, wait... >The girl wore a flimsy parka that was a few sizes too big for her, a >thick turtleneck sweater and a faded scarf. That's all she wore to >face with the harsh Siberia cold. Crow: So she was naked from the waist down? What? It says right there, "that's all she wore". A keen and justified observation! Tom: Luckily the girl's legs were far too hot to ever get cold. >Why she would do such an insane stunt was a mystery to all >except for the lone mysterious figure who seek refuge in a cave >to shelter herself from a sudden blizzard. Joel: Eh, she just wants to show up David Blaine. >When she woke up 2 months ago, she found herself in a hospital room >all alone. Sitting up in shock from the foreign surrounding, the first >thing her instinct told her to do was to get the hell out of this place. Joel: The giant ant threat was looming and she had to escape and find more direct evidence to convince the major of Lizard Breath to call out the National Guard. Crow: Been playing Amiga games again, Joel? Joel: Cinemaware rules! >Of course she recognized it as a hospital after a while, a place which >is supposed to help her . It's just...the smell of disinfectants, the >sickness and death that lingered ominously in the air, it gave her a >unsettling feeling, as if she been there before... Crow: She didn't remember House snarking on her the last time? Tom: Oh yeah, that's right, they infected me with gonorrhea in order to get rid of my flu! >Landing on her feet, she made a move for the door (which was slightly >ajar) that would no doubt led to the hallway when she caught her >appearance on a desk mirror beside her. Crow: Oh, Richard! I'm a complete mess! I need foundation, like YESTERDAY! >The girl tried to blank out the memory of her face, the trauma she >suffered to this day. Joel: Sounds like somebody's ready for a new supervillain identity. >Her scream alerted a few orderlies to her room and despite their best >attempts to restraint her; she managed to push past them and escape >from the hospital, all the while screaming in terror at what she saw. Crow: ARRRRGH!!! THE CONDITIONS OF THIS HOSPITAL ARE BOTH DEPLORABLE AND UNSANITARY!!! Tom: Was it... a war-wilf? Crow: Don't be silly, Pee-dur. >Her outburst caught the attention of numerous people, but she didn't >care, didn't want to face their callous gaze...all she wanted to do is >to get out of here so no one can see her hideous countenance again... Tom: What's worse, a callous gaze or a hideous countenance? >She left Russia (she learnt about that much later) and into the >Siberian wastelands, where it is devoid of any life and more >importantly, any humans. Crow: Except for that one crazy lady telling everyone to just let it go. Joel: The one who thinks she's a queen and throws snowballs at people and claims its magic? Crow: Yeah, Sarah Palin. Joel: Oh, her! >Packing a few rations of food and water into a rucksack and >donning on her current outfit (all of which were stolen. She >held no qualms about it) and set off about 5 days ago. Crow: Holy crap, the author is cribbing the first ten minutes of "Anastasia". Tom: Then who's Demitri? Joel: Oh, that's a different Capcom game. >She spent the previous time planning and engaging in whatever >illegal business in order to survive, all the while covering >her face with her scarf. Tom: I've got bootleg copies of 'Red Dawn', 'Hunt for Red October' and 'Rocky IV' here! First come, first serve! >And now, here she was, all alone in the barren landscape where >everything was a beautiful white as far as the eyes could see. Crow: Iiiiiiiiiiitttttt's SPRINGTIME, for Hitler, and Gerrrmanyyyyyyy... >The girl gulped down a few drops of water from her almost weightless >canteen. Her rations were running out, about 2 days worth of them left. Tom: I have a terrible feeling that we're going to be doing a cutaway, and then... IT'S COOKING! WITH ZANGIEF! GATHER AROUND, COMRADES!! Crow: Eww, his pec sweat is dripping into the borscht... Joel: Eww, it's borscht... >Honestly, she didn't expect herself to be still alive; she estimated >that she would have died in the second day. Must be some dumb >will to live, though she not sure why. Crow: Curse this indomitable human spirit of mine! Tom: Yet another Code Geass 'fic, eh? Joel: Codename Geass: Inactive. >She was a nobody, a nameless individual who had no memory of >who she was. What's there to live for? Joel: Pizza. Duh! Crow: Or, the 0.005% chance that there will be a season 2 of "Firefly". >All of a sudden, the headache that tormented her mind resurfaced, >causing her to grit her teeth in pain. > >She rubbed her forehead furiously to get rid of it, but to no avail. >It just keep getting worse, like a knife edging slowly and steadily >into her brain. Crow: But what the hell is she going to be murdering out here? Tom: Jack Frost? Frosty the Snowman? Old Man Winter? How the hell should I know!? Joel: I will attack... the darkness! *nerdy laugh* >Giving up, she laid on her backpack. "So this is how death felt like." Joel: Cold, lumpy and no booze. Tom: Sounds about right. >She sighed in resignation of her fate. She wasn't upset; she just wished >she could have a second chance in life, instead of whatever hell she was >living. Crow: Sadly, she simply wasn't enough of a fetishist to join a 'Second Life' community. >Closing her eyes, the girl waited patiently for her inevitable fate. > >It didn't happen. Joel: I guess I have to starve first. Lovely. >All of a sudden, a jolt of pain sent her body into a mad spasm. Crow: I think the whole world had that same reaction simultaneously when they announced "Transformers 5". >At this point, the girl felt something seeping into her mind. Tom: negative b plus or minus the square root/ of b squared minus four a-c.... why the HELL is this coming up now? >It felt as though ice-cold fingers were probing her brains. Tom: Then she shrieked as they probed something else. Crow: Classy, Servo. Tom: Always, my friend. >Before the girl could express her displeasure of the feeling, >a flash of light blinded her vision before... Crow: ...the 8:15 to Vladivostok came barrelling through. Joel: Designated codename: Rail Pizza. >The girl stood up, her skin no longer feeling the bitter cold. Crow: Yes, brainwashing! Not only does it prevent crime AND provide gainful employment opportunities, it'll knock that pesky hypothermia right out of ya! >As she stepped out of the cave into the blizzard, one could see 2 >red circles glowing in all the white and a voice intoned. Tom: NORA? YOU'RE NOT NORA. Joel: GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL. >"Designated codename: Decapre. Online." Crow: I call foul, I can't even get cell service in my bathroom but she gets activated in fucking Siberia? >Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx > >"Twelve down. The operation has been completed, Lord Bison. " Joel: All butterflies have been extracted from the stomach, Lord Bison. Crow: Excellent. Now start collecting the bread from the basket and heaven help you if you touch the sides! Tom: Oops, check the clock, we've gotta go, guys... Joel: Hey, good timing! What's say we go check on our Halloween party? Crow: Yeah, without us there, it's probably deader than Bill Cosby's career. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.) * * * THE HOLOCABANA Despite Crow's prediction, the Halloween party was still in full swing when Joel and the bots entered. Just then, Gypsy came saddling up to them. "Hey Joel? I hate to bug you but I've got a little problem..." Gypsy began. "Oh yeah? What's the matter, Gypsy? You not having a good time?" Joel inquired. "Oh no, the party's great and I'm having a lovely time. But a few minutes ago, I got this really bad headache..." Gypsy replied. Crow and Tom immediately snapped to attention upon hearing this before looking at each other fearfully. "Oh, I'm sorry, Gypsy. Maybe the music is too loud for you? I can adjust it if you like..." Joel said, concerned. "Joel, we need to talk to you." Crow suddenly interrupted. "It's urgent." Tom added. "Uh, just a second, Gypsy!" Joel exclaimed before Crow and Tom practically dragged him away. "Ow, hey, what is it?" "Joel, don't you see what's happening here? She's been brainwashed!" Tom hissed. "What? Who?" Joel replied, confused. "Gypsy! She's a sleeper assassin! She's going to wake up soon and kill us all!" Crow exclaimed in a hushed whisper. "Right. I'm going now." Joel replied as he turned to leave. "Just hear us out!" Tom pleaded. "Gypsy said she has a headache, when was the last time a ROBOT had a headache?" "Every time we leave the theater?" Joel replied sardonically. "Err... w-well, how often is GYPSY in the theater with us? Huh? Answer us that!" Crow pointed out. "You guys... she's at a party with loud music, she probably had a few nips at the punch..." Joel tried to rationalize. "Joel, NOBODY is going near the punch as long as Ilona is serving it!" Tom snapped back as Cambot panned over to the punch bowl where a teenaged goth punk girl was slowly stirring it with what appeared to be a used toilet brush. "Fair point... but I'm sure it's nothing to worry about, guys..." Joel replied as the lights in the holocabana began to flash red. "Now make yourselves useful and find out what the Mads want while I help Gypsy out, okay?" Joel replied as he gently pulled himself away from the bots and walked back over to Gypsy. Tom and Crow looked at each other nervously before reluctantly leaving the Holocabana to answer the Mads call. * * * DEEP 13 "Oh, hey guys. Umm, I was just wondering if you guys managed to find some Raisinets for your party? They were all sold out at my local store and I'm REALLY jonesing for some raisin chocolates right about now." Frank pleaded as he wiped a bit of drool from his mouth. "If you can send some up through the umbiliport, I'm sure we can work out a fair..." Just then the doorbell rang. "Oops, back in a sec, guys. We've got our first trick or treater!" Frank exclaimed excitedly as he rushed over to the door and pulled it open. Piano and clarinet music suddenly filled the air as a strange bearded man carrying a staff with a hand on top of it stood unsteadily on the doorstep. Packets of loose dirt fell from his filthy shirt, jacket and pants stretched over his enormous knees. "TriCK oR tReAT, sMeLL mY FeeT, g-giVe mE sOMEthInG gOoD tO EaT..." the strange man asked in a warbled voice. "Hey Torgo! Happy Halloween! I really like your Pig-Pen costume!" Frank said as he cheerfully greeted him. "i'M nOt pIg-pEn, yOu DoLT... i'M a z-zOMbiE... yOu kNoW... b- bRAins...!!" Torgo replied indignantly. "Frank! What's that horrible smell... oh, it's YOU." Dr. Forrester held one hand over his mouth and waved his other hand at Torgo to ward off the stench. "Ah geez, you're tracking dirt in all over the floor! When was the last time you showered!?" "He's cosplaying as the undead, you know, a zombie." Frank pointed out. "Who can tell?" Dr. Forrester grimaced before a realization struck him and a sinister plan came to mind. "Say, Frank... aren't YOU playing a zombie hunter or something right now?" "Ehh, kinda. I'm cosplaying as photojournalist, Frank West! The original, not the new one!" Frank added quickly. "But yeah, I guess he sorta hunts zombies..." "And what's Torgo cosplaying as again?" Dr. Forrester said, inwardly praying that Frank would connect the dots for once. "A zom... OH!" Frank's eyes lit up! "Oh geez, this is gonna be my first kill! The first kill is always the most precious! I can't just use my bare hands for this! I... I need a SPECIAL combo weapon! Be back in a jiffy!" Frank exclaimed as he ran off-camera towards his room and the sounds of grinding metal and duct tape tearing could be heard in the distance. Dr. Forrester sighed. "You might as well go, Torgo. When Frank gets into a project, he could be in there for days. Here, have some candy...." Dr. Forrester picked up a handful of caramels from one of the large bowls of candy and tossed them at Torgo, a few of them sticking to his clothes. "tHaNk yOU vErY MuCh..." Torgo replied before holding up a small wooden box with a slot in the middle. "woULd yOU liKe tO mAKe A DoNAtiON? ThE MaSTeR woULd aPPrOvE..." "Fine, fine!" Dr. Forrester snapped as he reached into his pocket and dropped a dime into the box. "Now, beat it before I get the hose!" he threatened as Torgo quickly spun around and wobbled off. As Dr. Forrester slammed the door shut, he scowled as he noticed the dirt Torgo left on the floor. "FRANK! Get in here and..." he was drowned out by another loud squeal of metal. "Oh, never mind, I'll do it!" he sighed as he went to get a broom and dustpan, only to pause as he noticed a commotion on one of the monitors. Turning up the volume, he saw it was coming from the Holocabana feed. "Joel? What the sam hell is going on down there!?" * * * THE HOLOCABANA "AHHHHHHHH!!!" Tom and Crow screamed in terror as Joel struggled in vain to remove his head from Gypsy's mouth. Her usual cheerful yellow eye had turned a scary blood red colour, which combined with her Elvira costume, made her look that much more terrifying yet sexy. "Somebody help! She's killing Joel and it's turning me on! And that makes me REALLY uncomfortable!" Crow cried out to the other party goers. Unfortunately, they had only been programmed to provide ambiance and engaging conversation to the party and were thus oblivious to Crow's pleas. "Oh lord! She's GUMMING him to death! Wow, that's hot... uh, I mean... Oh, the HUMANITY!" Tom wailed. Suddenly Joel's body went slack and Gypsy finally released him as he dropped to the floor, unmoving. She smacked her lips before slowly turning to face a horrified Crow and Tom, her one eye glowing menacingly and spoke in a flat monotone. "Designated codename: Eggplant Wizard. Online." "RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!!!" Crow cried out in his best Graham Chapman impression as he fled through the doors, Tom wailing as he followed suit. After the Holocabana's doors closed, Gypsy began to chuckle and her headlight returned to its natural yellow colour as she leaned down to whisper to Joel on the floor. "You can get up now, Joel. We fooled them!" Joel's eyes popped open and he grinned at Gypsy as they shared a laugh. "I know we're being cruel but sometimes it's just so easy..." Joel remarked as he rose back to his feet. "Hey, they started it!" Gypsy snapped before facing Cambot. "Yesterday, right before my big date with Richard Basehart, they secretly reprogrammed him to talk like Gilbert Gottfried and when Richard started ranting about some aristocrats, I thought I'd die of embarrassment!" she explained. "Well, I think it's safe to say you got them back. By the way, how's your headache doing?" Joel replied with a smile. "Oh, MUCH better. Seriously though, thanks for helping me out, Joel." Gypsy replied, grateful. "Anytime, Gypsy." Joel replied before the party's music was interrupted by Magic Voice. "Commercial sign in 15 seconds..." "Shoot, I'd better head back to the bridge for now. Have a good time!" Joel said as he walked out the door while Gypsy nodded and resumed her mingling with the holographic guests. "Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now." Magic Voice chimed in before suddenly turning husky. "Hey Cambot, it's time to play with me... care to connect my dots, la la la la?" she purred. The picture seemed to tint a bright red as Cambot quickly faded to black. TO BE CONTINUED IN '12 MONTHS AND A YEAR' PT. 2... Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far! As with my other multiple part MSTings, there's lots more fun and weirdness to come, so don't skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffing and skits. ;p