*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be...) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON SIX) EPISODE 51: THE KEIJO NOVICE TOURNAMENT (A Keijo!!!!!!!! MSTing) MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering our collective asses here folks... "Keijo!!!!!!!!" is the property of Daichi Sorayomi, Takao Kato, Hideya Takahashi, Shogakukan, and Xebec. "The Keijo Novice Tournament" is the property of PTSDFlippy. We attempted to contact the author by e-mail but there was no reply and we sincerely hope they don't take offence to this MSTing of their work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p Warning: This fanfic contains mature content and immature jokes. ;P * * * DEEP 13 Dr. Clayton Forrester stood behind the console, dressed in his usual outfit as he addressed the camera. "Mad Science isn't about being preoccupied with whether you could do or should do... it's what you would AND will do, to make all your dreams come true." An instrumental version of 'Everybody Wants to Rule the World' by Tears for Fears began to play as the screen abruptly cut to black and white captions appeared. Caption: MEET YOUR NEW INSTRUCTOR. _ The camera cut back to Dr. Forrester as he continued. "Any idiot can recruit some schmuck off the street as a volunteer for the promise of ten bucks... but a REAL Mad Scientist chooses his lab rats with great care... like digging for a fresh head of lettuce at the bottom of a vegetable bin." Caption: WORLD-RENOWNED MAD SCIENTIST AND FUTURE RULER OF THE WORLD _ "Remember, a good minion doesn't just work for you, they work WITH you. You make your goals their goals, and you've got a lab monkey for life. Their life, not yours." Caption: DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER _ Teaches the Art of Mad Science "Always make sure to find a remote place to do your experiments until you're ready to destroy your enemies and show the world what's what. Miles under the earth or miles up in space are often ideal choices. Not only will the cops have trouble finding you, they probably won't even bother looking." Caption: DO'S AND DON'TS OF DEATH _ "There's dead and then there's DEAD. It's important to know the difference so you don't permanently kill a perfectly good minion or test subject and have to start all over from scratch. I separate this into four categories. 1) 'Just Plain Dead', which means you (bleeped) up bad." 2) 'Mostly Dead', which is the ideal condition and result for your average lab rat. 3) 'Legally Dead', which with the right tools can usually be reversed most of the time and ideally default to the 2nd condition, and finally... 4) 'Wishing They Were Dead.', which means you're on the right track..." Caption: DEEP HURTING _ "The philosophy of deep hurting involves taking the intended test subject past the point of their personal comfort, making them take a bullet train into the murky depths of utter despair... like a throbbing headache that reaches all the way to the back of the skull... slowly wandering through wheat field after wheat field of tedium... preferably naked, alone and afraid." "Or if that's too much trouble to arrange, just show them 'Battlefield Earth', same experience basically." Caption: THROWING THEM A (THRIFTY) BONE _ "Once you have a viable lab monkey you can exploit to the hilt... you still need to give them the peripheral pat on the back every now and then. It can be as simple as a get-well card or those fast-food coupons you were never going to use anyway. Junk mail is your FRIEND in cases like this so keep them in your junk drawer and dish 'em out when needed." "Also, remind your minion often that you're still the better choice over a corporate overlord that are barely aware of their existence, much less their name... oh yes, make sure to memorize your minion's name so that comparison is actually apt." Caption: MISAPPROPRIATED FUNDING Caption: MENTAL SCARRING Caption: CATTLE PRODS Caption: MINION MANIPULATION Caption: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY OF REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY Caption: HOW SADISM HELPS SCIENCE _ "Honestly, when you can turn a room of average people into a quivering mass of frightened jelly with one of your experiments... you're 90% of the way to ruling the world." "I'm Doctor Clayton Forrester and this... is my Master Class." As the music faded, Dr. Forrester tapped a button on the console that stopped the recording. "Hmm, that was better... but I think I can still add ONE more example to REALLY make all the aspiring Mads drool and make them throw their money at me like tomatoes thrown at Baby Fozzie." Dr. Forrester rubbed his chin in thought. "But what else can I tease them with... 'Life with Lightning'? 'Implosions made Fun and Easy'? 'Method #53'...?" "Hey, Dr. F! I finally found this week's experiment!" TV's Frank announced cheerfully as he abruptly walked into the lab, derailing Dr. Forrester's train of thought. "Well, it's about time! Where the hell was it?" Dr. Forrester snapped. "Under the potato." Frank replied. "Naturally. Well, toss it in the pot, Frank. I'll summon the peanut gallery as soon as I'm done with my promo." Dr. Forrester replied. "Sure thing! Just don't forget if you use any footage of me being tortured or otherwise...' Frank began. "Yes, yes, you get your 3% and a bakers dozen of herb and cheese bagels with the corn meal on the bottom. I haven't forgotten our *renegotiated* contact, Frank." Dr. Forrester replied as he impatiently waved his assistant away. * * * SOMEWHERE IN MINNESOTA... It was a unsurprisingly cold day as Joel Robinson, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot lounged in lawn chairs near the edge of a lake. Fishing rods were tucked into metal sleeves on Joel and Crow's lawn chairs while Tom had a no-reel fly-fishing rod set up and duct-taped to the side of his body earlier by Joel. Several empty beer cans lay around each chair. Joel lazily glanced over and noticed Cambot staring at him. "Oh, hey everyone. We're just kicking back and doing some fishing while we wait for the Mads to contact us. Feels like it's been a while but maybe that's just the Bud Light talking..." Joel admitted before emitting a small belch. "Caught anything yet?" Crow asked as he started reeling in his lure. "Nope. I thought for sure the Bacon and Eggs lure would be a winner. What about you, Tom?" Joel inquired. "Nah, the Booby Nymph lure hasn't tempted anything yet. And here I thought Tenkara was supposed to be easy." Tom muttered. "I don't know what's wrong with you guys, I've caught two crappies and a bowfin already." Crow replied smugly. "Which lure are you using again? Joel asked. "Phoebe." Crow replied. "Huh. Maybe we can switch for a bit? You mind?" Joel asked as he reached for his fishing rod. "Yeah sure, I could use a challenge." Crow replied. "Oh, whatever, Babe Winkelbot!" Tom growled. "Just you wait, I'm gonna catch a hawg that'll put yours to shame anytime nOWWWWW...!!! Tom cried out in surprise and alarm as he was violently flung forward out of his lawn chair and into the lake with a splash. "Tom!" Joel exclaimed as he awkwardly scrambled to his feet. "Uh-oh. Blowhard overboard." Crow muttered. "Come on, we gotta get him back!" Joel shouted as he reared back and cast his fishing line into the water where Tom disappeared. "Yeah, yeah, just don't get my line tangled with yours." Crow muttered as he too cast his fishing line into the lake. Suddenly Tom's head emerged from the lake but was rapidly moving from side to side. "Guys, help me! These dumb fish think I'm a giant lure when CLEARLY I'm more of a buoy! Help! Glub glub....!" Tom's cries faded out as he was pulled under the surface again. "You're not a real buoy!" Crow called out. "Oh man, he's in real trouble. We gotta hook him and reel him back in before it's too late!" Joel exclaimed as he quickly retrieved his fishing line and prepared to cast again. "You do realize we could just end the holocabana program and he'd be fine, right?" Crow pointed out. "Well, yeah, but where's the fun or drama in that?" Joel chided Crow with an annoyed look. "Fair point. Okay, let's reel the little shrimp in then." Crow conceded as he and Joel cast their lines again in tandem. "Ooh, I think we've finally got a bite!" Joel said excitedly. "Yeah, Bite me, Servo! Bite me!" Crow replied enthusiastically as he and Joel pulled back with their fishing rods and Tom Servo emerged once again from the water, their hooks embedded in his hoverskirt as they reeled him to shore until he was hanging upside down, dripping water. "Whew, thanks guys! Uh, you can let me go now." Tom pointed out. "Sure, right after we take the trophy catch shot! Say 'Cheese Curds!" Joel said as a camera flash emerged from Cambot's sensor. "Joel, I just realized something... we need to throw Servo back in the lake." Crow said. "What!? Why!?" Tom sputtered. "Isn't it obvious? He's too small! If we don't throw him back, the DNR will fine us!" Crow replied. "LET ME AT 'EM!!!" Tom roared as he struggled to right himself and lunge after Crow with Joel trying to hold him back when the Holocabana doors suddenly opened, momentarily blinding them from the SOL hallway lights as Gypsy strode through, wearing a custom made wetsuit and scuba mask for her one eye. "Hey guys, TwoSet Viola is calling. So I figured I'd get some fishing time in while you're busy." Gypsy said as she approached the bank of the lake. "Okay, thanks for the heads up, Gypsy! But don't you need a pole?" Joel inquired. "Not to mention a lure and bait, you can borrow my Phoebe if you want. Or how about Tom here? We just discovered he makes a pretty good lure." Crow offered. "Keep talking and I'll kick your scrawny BASS right now!" Tom threatened. "Nah, thanks for the offer, guys. But I prefer to do MY fishing up close and personal." Gypsy replied as she moved her head from side to side, scanning the lake before fixating on a spot. She then opened her mouth wide and plunged deep into the river out of sight of Joel and the other bots. "Welp. There goes the Loch Ness Gypsy." Tom remarked as Joel could only nod in surprise. Meanwhile Cambot briefly turned to snap another photo of Gypsy as her head broke the surface of the lake, a large Walleye dangling in her mouth. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Oh, happy day. Grody, Blooper and Squint have returned from the ol' fishing hole." Dr. Forrester's voice dripped with sarcasm as he glared at Joel and the bots from the viewscreen. "Hey sirs, long time no see! What's been going on lately on Earth?" Joel inquired. Dr. Forrester and Frank exchanged a quick glance. "Oh... nothing much. Same old, same old." Dr. Forrester replied carefully. "Certainly nothing to pandem... panic about." Frank added hastily. "Oh, okay, well, uh, my invention this week is for the generation of video gamers who always wanted a cool and truly rewarding ending for finishing video games from the late 70s to the early 80s but were lucky to even get a 'You Win!' message and had to settle for a high score." Joel explained. "Y'know, back when high scores actually mattered in gaming." Crow muttered. "Yeah, now it's all about speedruns and whether they were tool-assisted or not..." Tom added. "Anyway... this device..." Joel paused to reach under the counter and place what appeared to be an old wooden panel Atari console with some modern electronics attached to its side. "...will let you play your favourite old-school console games and actually reward you for beating final levels, bosses, etc with era-appropriate late 70s/early 80s ending cutscenes, extra fluff text, cast of character parades, epilogues, and/or jukeboxes!" "Yeah, no more spending hours, days, WEEKS even, cramping your hands and blistering your thumbs all for a reward of a single sentence that may or may not even be grammatically correct!" Tom exclaimed. "No more trying to beat old games that were being TOTALLY UNFAIR to you but you simply HAD to beat them or feel like a complete and utter FAILURE. And all just to see your name on top of a list of people you don't even know but wanted so badly to feel superior to!" Crow took a deep breath before continuing. "Yes, now you can FINALLY reap the rewards for all that lost time from your childhood that you'll NEVER get back even when you ultimately realize... 'Yeah, that game still wasn't worth all the trouble'." Crow finished. "Oh, pay him no mind, folks. Crow's just bitter he never finished 'Forbidden Forest' on the Commodore 64 without having to use a trainer." Tom explained. "Hey, shut up! That Lego Demogorgon was BULLCRAP and you know it!!" Crow retorted angrily while Joel signalled for him to pipe down before continuing. "Anyway, I figured there was enough negativity in gaming these days that it was important to remember the good old days... uh, robot childhood trauma aside..." Joel glanced at Crow who pouted. "So I decided to call this system the "Atari Friendly". It's like a warm pet on your feet, a warm blanket on your lap or a cup of warm milk in your tummy... it makes old-school gaming and gamers alike feel GOOD again! What'da think, sirs?" Joel asked with a warm smile. * * * DEEP 13 "I think SOMEBODY'S a little Bud Lit right now." Dr. Forrester wryly observed while Frank snickered in the background. "But enough games! Time for some MAD Science! Franco, se tu per favore?" "Uh-oh, he's going bilingual, we're in for it now." Tom muttered. TV's Frank rolled in what appeared to be a white stove on a dolly cart. He was wearing a black apron with the words 'Arby's Employee of the Month' embroidered on it with bits of torn and worn string that previously displayed the month and year of said honour, along with oven gloves and a traditional white puffy chef's hat on his head. As he bent over to plug the stove into a modified extension cord, Dr. Forrester walked over to the stove and stood beside it before continuing. "The idea for this little beauty came to me while sitting on the can after consuming fast food for two different meals in a single day, a poor choice that thankfully lead to a brilliant invention idea. Observe the average stove, sure it looks intimidating to anyone who normally sustain themselves on Pizza Pockets and Pocky, but THIS particular stove has some special electronic components installed including..." "PERFECT SCENT TECHNOLOGYâ„¢!" A loud booming voice shouted over the loudspeakers. "...that'll detect what type of food you're cooking and its origin as well. But why, you may ask? Frank, cook us up some spaghetti, Al Dente style." "Heard that!" Frank shouted as he opened the oven door and retrieved a pot of boiling hot water with one hand while grabbing a box of spaghetti with the other and combining them together on top of the stove in one smooth motion. A few moments later, the loud energetic melody of 'Tarantella Napoletana' began to play from hidden speakers inside the stove. "As you can see, the stove has determined what Frank is cooking and provided one of the most well-known .aka stereotypical songs from Italy for a background track. Should Frank be cooking spaghetti or any other Italian food for a while, it will select up to two other songs from a playlist and loop endlessly until it's all ready to serve. I call it "The Singing Stove: As Seen Behind TV's Frank!" Dr. Forrester proclaimed with a smirk. "Huh... that's really not that bad an idea, sirs. I can already see my relatives showing it off to their neighbours and other relatives between baby showers and Tupperware parties." Joel commented. "Margie! Margie! You gotta come SEE THE SINGING STOVE! When are you gonna see the SINGING STOVE!?" Tom whined in a stereotypical Long Island accent. "Ohhhh, isn't it GORGEOUS!? You just gotta love it! You just gotta!" Crow replied in the same mocking accent. Dr. Forrester chuckled. "Deride if you must, but there's still a big market out there for people that haven't or can't afford to embrace mobile technology and I plan to be in on the ground floor! Also, it wouldn't be me if I didn't add a few personal touches for my own amusement..." At that moment, Frank reached out to adjust one of the knobs on the stove. "DON'T TOUCH MY NIPPLES!!!" the voice of the late comedian Gilbert Gottfried roared from the stove, startling Frank into almost dropping his spaghetti. "They're very sensitive!" Gilbert's voice added in a softer yet whinier voice. "Gilbert... Gottfried?" A bewildered Joel asked. "What, you were expecting Julia Child?" Dr. Forrester sarcastically retorted as Frank hesitantly attempted to adjust the knob again only to get more shrieks of protest in the late comedian's voice. Dr. Forrester then turned his full attention to the trio on the viewscreen. "Ah, Joel... little twerps... hard to believe we're up to Season Six now... my, where DOES the time go?" Dr. Forrester sighed wistfully before continuing. "Anyway, I was watching the 1985 film adaption of 'Brewster's Millions' and it got me to thinking..." "You're gonna give us $30 million dollars to spend in 30 days!?" Tom interrupted excitedly. "With you, it wouldn't last 30 minutes." Crow retorted. "What exactly are we supposed to buy when we're trapped in space?" Joel wondered aloud. "Good point. Let's wimp out and just take the one million instead!" Tom nodded. "AS I WAS SAYING...!!" Dr. Forrester growled at the camera, causing the trio to fall silent. "I've noticed in past experiments that you all seem to enjoy any mention of women's boobs and or buttocks..." Joel and the bots glanced at each other for a moment. "Well, yeah." Joel replied, sheepishly. "Pretty much." Tom agreed. "Guilty as charged." Crow added. "As I thought. So I've decided to conduct a little experiment within this week's experiment. I'm going to teach you to HATE seeing women's boobs and butts. In fact, I'm gonna make you so sick of seeing women's boobs and butts that the mere SIGHT of them will make you wanna throw up!" Dr. Forrester paused and flashed an evil grin as Joel and the bots glanced at each other again. "You're going to try and make us all gay?" Joel cautiously inquired. "What!? NO! That's not what this is about at all! Besides, I'm pretty sure the majority of gay people like butts too, I mean, it's not an unreasonable assumption!" Dr. Forrester angrily spluttered. "Don't forget boobs! I'm pretty sure the majority of gay women like boobs too!" Tom pointed out gleefully. "It's not an unreasonable assumption." Crow replied, nodding. "SHUT UP and LISTEN, horndroids!" Dr. Forrester snarled. "The POINT of this little experiment within the experiment is to remove your personal enjoyment of a frequently used aspect of fanfiction so as to make it THAT MUCH WORSE for you to endure and thus more likely to drive you INSANE and give me the literary weapon I need to RULE THE WORLD! Now what's so hard to grasp about THAT?!?" he finished, gasping for breath. "Whoa, okay, okay, we get it! Take it down a notch or three!" Joel replied nervously. "Sadly, I'm afraid we'll have to decline your invitation. We simply don't believe in that kind of naughty fun anymore." Tom replied in a haughty voice. "Yes, do forgive us, Doctor, but we believe boobs and buttocks are best heard and not seen. Wouldn't want to trigger our funny boners, now would we?" Crow replied in a equally haughty voice. "To be blunt... it violates our... 'core values'." Tom finished with a sniff. "Oh, take your core values and ram them right up your... heh... experiment this week is your first visit to the wonderfully wobbly world of..." Dr. Forrester suddenly turned towards the singing stove. "Gilbert, if you'll do the honours?" "KEIJO!!!!!!!!" Gilbert Gottfried's voice screamed loudly from the oven. "Yes, Keijo, the queen of water sports that, much like 'Freaks and Geeks', met a premature demise. But fear not, for it lives on through the magic and generosity of fanfiction! Just think of this as the season two we never got... but dreaded we'd get if it had actually happened." Dr. Forrester chuckled before continuing. "It's an all-new cast with an all-new tournament that... ehh... well... eventually gets going. Eventually. It's 'The Keijo Novice Tournament', Joel! Suffer and submit! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Send 'em to hell, Frank." "Order up!" Frank exclaimed as he rushed toward the cabinet to retrieve the fanfic and fed it into the console while the stove whined after him about abandonment issues before abruptly going into a Bela Lugosi impression lamenting over a lost sock. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE As the viewscreen winked out, Tom turned to Joel and remarked. "Is is just me or are we running a little long with this intro?" "So much for the fourth wall. What is this, 'Modern Family' now?" Crow muttered. "Hey, it's been a while. Cut the guy some slack." Joel replied with a wink. Suddenly multicoloured lights flashed and alarms began to wail. "Ohh, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!" he cried out. (Door 6: It's an open wooden doorway. The wooden door slowly slams shut. As it does, the door dissolves into nothingness. Somewhat weirded out, you cautiously walk through.) (Door 5: It's a 'Lights Out' puzzle. You spit on it and the electronics quickly short out, allowing you to proceed.) (Door 4: You are surprised to find five doors labelled 1 through 5. You think about it for a moment then run toward door #4, which thankfully turns out to be made of paper as you safely burst through it.) (Door 3: You are given the chance to see what is behind it or to take the mystery box instead. Since you're not STUPID, you open the door and move on.) (Door 2. It's a jar. You finish opening it and pass on through.) (Door 1: It's a pulsating brain. A strange looking child wearing an aviator helmet and a pair of big red goggles runs up and throws a little door at the brain which sticks to the side before running away. The little door slowly opens with a burst of light and pulls you inside.) Joel emerged from the light into the theatre with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theatre on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theatre seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >*The Keijo Novice Tournament* By: PTSDFlippy Joel: For Beginner Butts Only Crow: Falsies Will Be Forfeit. >1. Registration > >*The camera turns on to two reporters standing outside a large >dome stadium in Nagisaki with a large crowd behind them, waving >signs around while the camera.* > >The first reporter, a young male, starts to talk. Joel: We're in hour 11 of the government protests in... hmm? Oops, wrong story. Damn Teleprompter! Tom: Y'ALL GONNA DIE! I'M CALLING IN THE AIRSTRIKE! MWAHAHAHAHA!! >"Hello NHK! Jack Oboro here with Sarah Hinata, and we are bringing >the latest on the upcoming Keijo tournament, right here in >Minamishimabara, Nagasaki!" Jack announced, putting on a cheesy >smile. Crow: This broadcast brought to you by Morimoto Cheese. So sharp it'll bring honour to your mouth and clan. >Sarah flashed a quick smile at the camera before speaking, "Yes, >there is indeed an upcoming Keijo tournament here in the stadium >just behind me! They are still holding registrations to sign up, so >join in while you can! Joel: Join in the mob trying to pry the registrations out of the cold dead hands of the stadium scalpers. Crow: Sure television, advertise a fight and then invite your audience to join in. >There is a massive cash prize, as well as a full scholarship to a >Keijo school of your choice!" Sarah announced, which seemed to get >the crowd behind them even more excited. Tom: Why, this school is SO university-accredited you can earn your Ph Double D! >Jack chuckled and turned to Sarah, "Hey, you might as well join in >on this! You could have a shot at this." Jack suggested. > >Sarah blushed a little bit, but covered it quickly. Joel: You know I already tried out last year, jerk! Crow: This is what happens when Gainax buys a network. >"Oh, I guess I could. But we're here to let others know about this >event, not ourselves. So to everyone watching, fill out the >registration form on our website and sign right for this event! Joel: You can get a free Hotmail box at the same time! Tom: Yahoo! >I can't wait to see what kind of rising star Keijo players come and >participate!" Sarah annoumced, before winking at the camera. > >Jack nodded, "I still think you should go for it Sarah. Joel: Why don't YOU go for it, Jack? You've got baby making hips. Crow: *gasp* I told you that off the air in confidence! Tom: I'm sensing a lack of journalistic standards here... >Anyway, that's all for the information on the upcoming Keijo Novice >Tournament! See you next time for more info on the contestants! Crow: We REALLY need more of them! And NO, all the JUDGES positions are filled! Stop asking! Joel: Guy LeDouche's been camping out front for the last two weeks now... >Now onto the Flex Seal demo with Phil Swift..." Jack says as the >camera starts to fade away. Tom: Flex Seal! The best cure for your blown out bicep! Joel: Um, can we get some Flex Seal to close up these bad segues? >*As you all can guess, this is an SYOC, probably the first in the >Keijo section. Crow: We were supposed to infer that this was a SYOC? Damn! (leans over to whisper to Joel) Psst! What's an SYOC? Joel: I think it means 'Submit Your Own Character'. Crow: Oh? I submit Tom! Go all Delta Knight on these girls! They won't know what hit them! Tom: I'M CAAAAAHHHHMMMIIINNNGG! >Anyway, just fill in the form below and send it to me through a PM. >It isn't first come first serve, so feel free to take your time on >this. Joel: Can't we just send him a pizza instead and call it even? Tom: If we send him a pizza it might come with an April O'Neil... Crow: Better that than a Splinter. >The form can also be found on my profile in case you need to copy >it from there. Tom: Along with my measurements, likes and dislikes. Crow: Can we copy it from the student's desk next to us? He's closer. >Happy sending and I'll see you all in the next update!* Joel: Any guesses on how many male characters might get picked? Tom: None? Crow: Natch. >Registration Form: > >Full Name: > >Age: (16-18) > >Height: > >Weight: > >Breast Size: (A, B, C, D, E only) Crow: Oh please, who ever heard of a 16 year old anime girl having breasts smaller than an E cup? Joel: Psst, hey kid... can I interest you in an F cup? C'mon, you know you want it... Tom: But it's just a gateway to bigger and badder stuff! Crow: So? >Butt Size: (XS, S, M, L XL) Tom: What exactly is a Size A, XS going to do in a Keijo battle? Sell popcorn? >Personality: > >History: > >Experience in Keijo: > >Why the tournament?: Tom: None, Lost, None, Thinly Veiled Exploitation? Crow: The Dragonborn, born from Dragons, none, and to yell at girls. natch. >Hair: > >Accesories: > >Uniform: Joel: What is this, Keijo Barbie? Tom: Hair: Some and None. Crow: Uniform: Doesn't really matter, we'll still find a way to sexualize it. >Strategy in 1v1: > >Strategy in 2v2: > >Strategy in 2v1: Crow: Attack, Retreat, Whimper. Joel: Ooh, strategerie! Fool them once, shame on them... fool them twice... well, let's just say they don't get fooled again. >Any skills?: (Vacuum Butt Cannon, Butt Guilotine, etc) Tom: How about the Moss-Covered Three-Handled Butt Credenza? Joel: Any shame? Crow: Nope! >Attitude towards opponents: > >Attitude towards teammates: > >Attitude towards teammates that are now opponents: Tom: Yep, yep and yep. Joel: Congratulations! You're fully qualified to join the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers! >Anything else?: Tom: Butts are awesome but if there's any sign of inflammation, please, see your doctor. Crow: If your buttrection lasts for more than four hours, your doctor may discontinue this story and prescribe some Karl Marx. >2. Velma, Kayaku, and Mia Tom: From the makers of the Ghostbusters reboot, it's 'The Three Stooges', except now they're women! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! >*The camera turns on to Jack and Sarah standing outside of the >stadium again, this time with multiple other interviewers and news >stations behind them.* Joel: Little ditty... about Jack and Sar-rah-ahh...! Crow: Second verse, same as the first! >"Welcome back to another NHK update on the upcoming Novice Keijo >Tournament! The registration were a little bit slow, but we got >three eager players here that are currently being interviewed, well >one of them is at least." Jack said as the cameraman tried to get >closer to one of the players that was being crowded around. > >The first player was a rather young girl with blonde hair. Joel: Bet she's just going to choose Kirby so she never falls off the map. >She was waving to the cameras, but her father that was with her was >trying to block the cameras. Crow: Hey padre! Down in front! Tom: Stop filming my daughter for free! It's ten bucks a shot, no exceptions! >"Daddy! You're being too overprotective again!" the girl whined, >making her dad back up a little bit. Joel: I just don't want to see you end up like Kylie Jenner! Crow: You mean a multi-millionaire? Joel: Umm, well... >"I'm sorry sweetheart, I just worry about your privacy. You're >still only 16." her father apologized while his daughter continued >to wave at the camera, shaking her C breasts and putting on a big >smile. Joel: Couldn't you shake what your father gave you for a change? >"Miss, what's your name?" one of the reporters asked. Tom: By name do you mean Twitter handle, Instagram site, Tumblr community, or Pornhub amateur page? >The girl flicked her and looked at the reporter Crow: Ow, hey! >"Me? I'm Velma Ryoki! I'll be winning this tournament, so if you >want your autographs you better get them now!" Velma introduced >herself, winking right after. Tom: 'Cause my hand's going to be so swollen after I finish punching you IN THE FACE!! >Another girl was standing off in the distance carrying a bag and >clutching a metal locket. Crow: Yep, that's her. RON! YOU JACKASS! Parading your daughter around like this after you kidnapped her three years ago!! >"What arrogance. She's telling the cameras everything. I won't make >that mistake." she said to herself. Joel: *ahem* Ladies and Gentlemen of the Press... I promise you now that I will horribly lose this tournament! In fact, I won't even get out of the preliminaries and embarrass myself completely! Any questions? >Her name was Kayaku Byosatsu. She was 18, and as such had >E breasts, which were a bit bigger than Velma's. Crow: ...Empty breasts? Tom: But one quick trip to the local gas station and her breasts were back to F in no time. >She had long black wavy hair, and was trying her best to stay away >from the reporters. Another girl walked up to Kayaku with a >friendly, but small smile. Joel: Small smile? Must be North American. Tom: It's all so exploitative, isn't it? Crow: In this wretched world, what isn't exploitative? Tom: Screw philosophy... breasts. Crow Right. >"So you're competiting too? I think that Velma girl is full >of herself. She is going no further than round two at best. Tom: Yep, they're all compe-titting. Crow: Well, I'm issuing a reBUTTal to that statement. >The name's Mia Sanaki." Mia introduced herself. Mia was only had >an A cup bust despite being 17, but she made up for it with her >extra large butt. It practically jiggled every step she took. Joel: Mia introduced herself while the narrator rounded her out with objectification. Crow: Butt physics were making good progress in Japan but still paled in comparison to their achievements with breast physics. >She also had long purple hair kept in a ponytail. > >Kayaku didn't laugh, but just nodded her head. All: Pur-ple hair! Purrr-ple hairrr...! >"Don't try to get information out of me. I'm here to compete, not >to socialize. I'm Kayaku." Kayaku said in response. Mia crossed >her arms and sighed. Crow: I'm a colonel. Tom: Huh? What? Crow: Serial Number SYS64738. And that's ALL you're getting out of me! >"You're one of those players aren't you. The silent but deadly >type. Joel: Yeah, I actually stabbed you a minute ago. You're bleeding out as we speak. Tom: Huh? Well, I'll be... *thud* >Okay, I won't try to pry you for information. But just to let you >know if we end up on the same team, I'm an outfighter. Joel: Mia's more of a sumo wrestler than an outfighter. Crow: Wanna go get some Chanko Nabe? >Nice meeting you anyway Kayaku." Mia said as she walked away. Tom: A few moments later, her pillowy butt caught up with the rest of her body and jiggled away also. >The cameraman focused back on Jack and Sarah who were still keeping >their cheesy smiles. Joel: Future politicians, those two. Crow: Most porn doesn't need narrators, trusting the various scenes to carry the action... >"That's all for today folks. Three players who all seem promising >for the tournament! Remember, there is still time to register, so >hurry before the spots are gone! See you next time!" Sarah >announced as the camera faded to black. Crow: Whew, that was lucky timing, my camera's battery just ran out. Tom: Three players for a tournament? So the first loser gets a bye to the finals? >*As I expected, the forms are coming in rather slow. If you haven't >already, go ahead and submit an OC. If you already have one in, you >can send in another one if you wish to! See you all in the next >update!* Joel: Seriously, I, uh, could REALLY use some more characters... if you send in nine more characters, I'll, err, be sure to thank you in the credits! >3. Arianna, Katarina, and Sally Crow: Remember these names, know their butts. Tom: And on defence-- Yvette, Jennifer, and Michelle! >*The camera turns back on to Jack and Sarah standing outside the >stadium once again, this time three more players have showed up, >but they are still being just as crowded as before.* Joel: That is to say, still not very crowded. >"We're back yet again, and this time we have three more new young >girls ready to kae their appearance! Tom: Ooooooo-kae then. Crow: With extra-tight.... closeups! >This time only one of them isn't eager about being on camera!" >Jack announced as the camera man carried the camera up to the first >crowd of people. Tom: She found out that payment wasn't measured in dollars, but in "exposure". Joel: I'm NOT ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille! I'm NOT! >The first girl was a short 16 year old with a big grin on her face. >She was clearly enjoying all of the press and was very excited to >be part of this. Crow: Give her time. Tom: To be fair, she tried out for the Chinese Gymnastics team first but she was wayyyyy too old. >She had green hair kept in two short pigtails. She had D breasts, >but a small butt. Joel: And a surprising amount of chest hair. >"Hiya everyone! I'm Arianna!" Arianna introduced herself, waving >at all the cameras, constantly turning excitedly. Crow: Cheese!Cheese!Cheese!Cheese!Cheese! >While Arianna kept waving to the cameras and shaking her bust for >them, another girl was trying to avoid the cameras. Tom: Geez, show a little decorum, willya? Joel: That's just reverse psychology, by ignoring them she's inviting more attention. >She was 17, and had C sized breasts, and has an extra large butt. >She had short purple hair, and was she herself was short in height. Joel: If you put all these girls in a group picture how many faces would you *really* see? Tom: They have faces? I thought they were literally boobs, asses and hair? Crow: Like a Rule 63 reunion of Cousin Its. >There were a few reporters that weren't busy getting footage of >Velma and Arianna that following this girl. Joel: Lois Lane, Daily Planet, what do you think of Lex Luthor personally funding this event? Care to comment? >"Miss! Will you at least tell us your name?" one of the reporters >asked. > >The girl turned to face the camera, already looking as though she >was about to cry. Tom: It's FRED! Are you happy now!? ARE YOU!? (mimes runs away crying) >"I-I'm Katarina Fujisaki... please leave me alone. I don't like >b-being on camera like this." Katarina said before running off. Crow: That should have hooked 'em in! > Katarina ran over to the wall where Kayaku was and stood next to >her. "What do you want?" Kayaku asked bluntly. Joel: To hide behind you! >Katarina put her head down and wiped away the few tears that were >starting to form on her face. Tom: Yikes, did her plastic surgeon give her the Joan Rivers Special or what? >"I'm just t-trying to get away from the press. I hate being on >camera." Katarina answered. > >Kayaku was a little bit annoyed that Katarina was even here. "If >you hate being on camera, why did you even sign up for this?" >Kayaku asked, trying to keep a low tone. Joel: TO KILL PEOPLE. >Katarina sniffed and looked back up at Kayaku. "I'm trying to make >some money for my family. Keijo is just quickest way to money for >me." Katarina explained. Crow: As opposed to Instagramming... Joel: My family accidentally stopped on Park Place with four houses and we got wiped out! >Kayaku sighed and crossed her arms. "Fine, fair enough. Just don't >start bawling in front of me. What kind of fighter are you?" Kayaku >asked. Crow: I'm a fighter in the same sense that 'Dead or Alive' is a fighter. Joel: So you're paid DLC? Tom: She's exclusive if you buy the Season Pass 2 for only $92.99! >Katarina got a small smile on her face and leaned up against the >wall. "I'm a counter. Crow: But I only know one, two, and five. >My coach told me my butt was as springy as a trampoline, so I made >that aspect into my fighting style." Katarina elaborated, making >Kayaku grin a bit to herself as she gathered this information. Joel: She's her own Pogo Ball. >Another girl showed up in a limosine just outside of the stadium >and a 17 girl in a fancy dress stepped out. She had B breasts and a >medium butt, but she seemed very confident in herself. Tom: The 17 girl. You'll never know where she'll turn up next. >"Hello everyone! I am none other than Sally Butai Engi! First a >child actor, next I'll be a world renown Keijo player!" Joel: Sally appeared in no less than five famous sitcoms, each of them a failed pilot episode for a new spinoff that never materialized! >Sally introduced herself charismatically as the reporters started >to surround her. Crow: Where are the bodies!? Have you any message for the families of your numerous victims? >Sally posed for pictures and answered all the questions the >reporters asked her, as if she had done this before. Tom: With or without the huge blue dot over her head? Joel: 34-22-33. 34-22-33. 34-22-33. >"Yep, you bet I'll win! I'm getting to the semi finals... MINIUMUM! >Nothing will stop me!" Sally declared. Crow: Mini-nini-mini-ninim! You heard it here first? >Jack and Sarah turned back to face their camera man and looked down >at their script. Tom: Script? They couldn't even afford a teleprompter? Has Keijo been reduced to community theatre now? >"Well there you have it! Three more girls ready to show what >they've got!" Sarah announced. Crow: Boobs AND butts. Truly they are the standouts in this Keijo competition. >"That's all for today folks! See you next time on the next report!" >Jack said as the two waved to the camera as it faded to black. Joel: It's today's news tomorrow making it yesterday's news. Tom: And so it blows. >Thank you all for reading this brief update! Like I said in the >last update, you can submit a second character if you wish. But I >like hearing your ideas, so if you have any ideas for designs of >"The Land", then go ahead and leave them in the reviews! See you >all next time! Crow: How about "The Rhombicosidodecahedron"? Tom: Five minutes later, his inbox exploded from all the submitted jello recipes. >4. Britney, Sakura. and Sammy Joel: Oops, the author did it again. Tom: Sakura in two rounds, one for each of them. >*The camera came back on to Jack and Sarah yet again in front of >the stadium.* Crow: Day 68. We are being treated well. We are receiving three square meals a day. We are absolutely not horrified by the parade of women in front of us. Joel: Look, we're sorry we supported Hong Kong protesters on the air! Crow: Yes, please forgive us and give us back our anchor spots! >"Hello Keijo fans! Welcome back to another update on the upcoming >Keijo Novice Tournament! The next three contestants have arrived, >and they are as interesting as usual, Joel: It's almost as if there's just like four people total, and they just come around the corner, hide in the back again, and get a new wig. Tom: Yeah, I'm getting that low budget production feeling too. >so let's take a look!" Jack said just before another car pulled up >to the curb, nearly hitting it. Crow: Minor accident aside, those are some impressive boobs if they can drive a car like that. *Honk Honk* Oh look, they're saying hello! >Out of the car stepped a girl with what seemed to be a brace on >her back. She had E cup sized breasts that flopped around everytime >she took a step, and her butt was a bit on the large side. She had >a very tired face, and had long black hair kept in two pigtails. Crow: If I'm going to be in constant pain, I might as well inflict some as well. Joel: I hope to win the competition this year... so I can afford the reduction surgery. >"Hello miss, who are you?" Sarah asked running up to the girl and >hoping to get some answers. Joel: Our viewers demand the truth, dammit! Tom: You'd better make sure that your voice doesn't echo in the valley. >The girl leaned back a little bit and tried to keep her balance. Joel: Leaning forward, leaning back... she's not quite a Weeble. >"H-Hey. Call me Britney. Britney Ayamanuzi. If you can't tell >already, I have back problems because of these things, so I would >like to be left alone." Britney said, briefly introduced herself >and notioning towards her breasts being the source of the back >pain. Crow: Gee, and here I thought it was her shoes. >Britney walked away, keeping her hands on her back to help >allieviate the pain. Tom: And totally NOT because she was a teapot, short and stout. >The next car pulled up right after and a more upbeat player stepped >out of the car, waving to the cameras. "I had no idea there would >be this much coverage on this tournament." the girl said to herself >as Sarah ran up to her. Crow: Yeah, two reporters and a single camera, what coverage! Joel: Most tournaments actually have matches, right? Tom: You'd think so. >The moment Sarah ran up and held the microphone to the girl, she >knew what to say. Joel: Hi, Mom! Tom: I'm going to Tokyo Disneyland! >"Before you ask, I'm Sakura Mabushii. It's nice to be here, I'm >really looking forward to competiting!" Sakura introduced herself >with a smile. Tom: Compe-"titing"? Got it. Crow: Tits a ratings bonanza! >Sakura had D breasts and a medium butt, which was a good balance >for the competition. Crow: D breasts, must do better, come see me after class. Joel: Her butt could predict the future, but she was self-conscious of everyone staring into it. >Sakura walked away, waving at the other cameras and answering their >questions as the third car pulled up to the curb and more shy >player stepped out. Crow: The "more shy player" is Gilbert Gottfried. Tom: ALRIGHT, YOU BIMBOS! GET'A LOAD OF THESE GARBONGAS!!! THEY'RE GONNA PUMMEL YOU INTO SUBMISSION!!! NOW BRING ME MY THONG!!! Crow: Yep, that's what I pictured. >She was completely flat, and she only had a medium butt. "Hello >miss, it's great to have you here, who are you?" Sarah asked, which >seemed to make the girl a little bit nervous. Joel: She's the Dateline NBC plant. Crow: I'm hoping to win the competition by having my opponents laugh so hard, they fall right off the platform. >She had her face covered by a hoodie, and it was clear that she >didn't want to talk. "Umm... I'm Sammy Shigoyani. Go away..." she >answered bluntly, starting to walk away from Sarah faster. Tom: These girls DO realize they're auditioning for a nationally televised sport, right? Joel: Apparently Emos are really into exhibitionism. >Sarah turned back to the camera and put her camera smile >back on. "Well, you can see that the contestants are getting pretty >interesting! Tom: Interesting based on what now? Crow: If by 'interesting', they look like they're ready for a root canal. >That's all from me for today, and we will see you all next time!" >Sarah announced before the camera cut out. Joel: I don't need a drink, I need someone to knock me out with a wine bottle. Tom: Me too. >Here was another three conestants, and I hope you enjoy all of them >when they head onto the land. Crow: Remember these boobs, know these cup sizes. Tom: It was an interesting recreation of Columbus's discovery of America... goofy as all hell... but interesting none the less. >As I said last time, you are allowed to submit a second character, >and feel free to leave a review if you have any advice or ideas for >lands to be used. Joel: I tap two mountains and two plains to summon a Serra Angel. >That's all, so have a nice day! Tom: (hums Point Music from 'Leisure Suit Larry 2') Joel: You're watching the Boob Tube. Literally. >5. Ryuko, Ana, Kat, and Hoshi Tom: ...walk into a bar... Crow: ...and get thrown out for being underage. >The camera turned back on to Jack and Sarah standing outside of the >stadium yet again, Crow: Race you into oncoming traffic? Joel: Loser's family pays for both funerals? Crow: You're on! >but the four new girls had already arrived and were >surrounded by the other reporters. Joel: It's just one limousine circling the block, picking up a girl, going back to the holding pen, getting another... Tom: The clown limousine must've been rented out to pick them all up at once. >"Welcome back again to the NHK Keijo Novice Tournament broadcast! Tom: Sponsored by Buttweiser. "This butt's for you!" Crow: Where the introductions make up the entire card! Joel: We won't stop until you SUBSCRIBE! For the love of Richard, PLEASEEEEE subscribe! We haven't bathed in a week! >We have 4 more girls here who are ready to compete, one more than >usual reports! Tom: Suddenly cricket doesn't seem like such a long-winded sport. >Let's see if we can to meet them shall we?" Jack announced while >Sarah started to head towards the crowd of reporters with a >cameraman behind her. Joel: So repetitive... are we absolutely sure that Bill Murray isn't at the studio as the weatherman? >Sarah managed to squeeze through one of the crowds to find a bit of >an older girl showing off her body. Tom: Check out these shins! Nice, huh? Crow: Not that much older, maybe 23... 24... almost over the hill for Japan... almost. >"That's right all you news stations! I bet you all like what you >see! Just wait till you see me on the land!" Joel: That's right, TBN! CTN! CBN! Put down those prayer books and check out THIS heavenly body! >the girl told the reporters while shaking her hips and bust a >little bit, giving the cameras and eyeful. Tom: Girl's barely busting a move. Crow: Where's Kitty-N when we need her? >Her name was Ryuko Spiegel. She had a C sized bust, and a large >butt. Her hair was a bright red and was hanging down loosely. Tom: Spiegel? German?? Joel: My Father was German, my mother... an automobile. Crow: Mein Mutter, Das Auto! >"So miss, how much have you played Keijo before?" Sarah asked, >holding a microphone to Ryuko. Ryuko turned towards Sarah and >scoffed. "Me? Oh I've played before, I played on my middle school >team, so I think I have this one in the bag. You'll see!" Ryuko >answered confidently. Crow: So. Middle-schoolers. What line shan't be crossed?? Joel: Back in the playground, it was either 'Keijo' or 'Kill the Kid with the Ball'. I think I chose wisely. >Sarah walked away after that answer, knowing that Ryuko wasn't >going to have anything good to say. Tom: Smoke 'em if you got 'em! Drink and drive! Don't get vaxxed! I hate Baby Yoda and want to drown him in a pool of his own... Hey, wait, come back! I wasn't finished! >After a while, the reporters stopped swarming around Ryuko and she >finally had enough space to talk to the other girls. Ryuko walked >up to Sammy and gave her a slap on the butt. Joel: Ah yes, "introducing yourself", the Harvey Weinstein way. >Sammy turned around and blushed upon seeing Ryuko. "Hey girl, I'm >Ryuko. You got a small ass, and you have zero chest. You really >think you can win this?" Ryuko asked. Crow: Also, you were adopted and your cat hates your guts. And you smell. Bad. Tom: Smack her ass again Ryuko, really plump it up more. Give her something to work with. >Sammy nodded and started to back away. Sammy didn't want to talk to >anyone at all, not because of information, she was just shy. Joel: As opposed to "insulted"? >As she backed away, Ryuko noticed a small buldge in Sammy's shorts, >and she raised an eyebrow. Tom: Anyone else smell what the Ryuko is cookin'? >"That's pretty odd. It's probably just the zipper on the shorts." >Ryuko said to herself as she walked away as well. Crow: Well, when an author needs to telegraph an ending, they may as well use a telegraph pole. >Sarah next approached a pair of girls who looked almost identical >to each other, and held the microphone out. "Who are you two? Are >you siblings?" Sarah asked. Both nodded, and one of the two stepped >forward. Tom: One of us always lies and the other always tells the truth. Joel: Don't you dare start. >"I'm Kat Saphira." Kat answered. "And I'm Ana Saphira. We are >twins. Most call us the twin blades." Ana added, winking right >after. Crow: Don't laugh, their original gimmick names were "Park Place" and "Boardwalk". Tom: They couldn't possibly be "Baltic" and "Mediterranean", they're not Sea cups. >Kat and Ana were both 16, and they had identical C breasts and >medium butts. Joel: I wonder if they can upgrade their butts to a large for fifty cents? >Sarah found it a little odd to have the title twin blades. "What >about you two is twin blades?" Sarah asked. Tom: She lifts while I cut. Crow: All I know is that I don't want to meet the fighter whose nickname is "shaving creme". Joel: We used to have a four girl quadruple blade team but Gillette threatened to sue. >Kat pointed one hand to her chest, and Ana pointed one hand to her >butt. "You haven't seem them yet, but our uniforms are made of >velcro. I use my nipples on my breasts as blades. Ana uses her bony >butt as a blade as well. We work best as a team." Kat explained. Tom: The breast nipples are blades... the back nipples are there for decoration. Joel: And the third nipple is the secret weapon! Shhh! >Ana nodded, and Sarah seemed understand it now. "Thank you for >answering, good luck in the tournament!" Sarah said as she walked >away from the twins. Tom: So how many more multi-function girls are they going to find? Crow: How many more chapters are there in this fanfic? >Ana looked at Kat with an excited smile on her face. "This is >amazing isn't it Kat? We finally get to be in a real tourney!" Ana >exclaimed. Kat got a big smile too, but she didn't say anything. Tom: You think they bought the completely bogus story? You're sure we're in? Joel: I'm sure! They didn't even bother to check our IDs! Told 'ya it'd be a cinch! >Sarah walked up to the fourth girl and held the microphone to her. Tom: *thump thump* *thump thump* Joel: 'Doki doki'? Hmm, interesting. Can I quote you on that? >The fourth girl had average length magenta hair that was kept in a >pony tail and looked similar to that of Hanabi Kawai. Joel: Where are your blades? Crow: I tried rubbing my butt on a whetstone but it just won't sharpen! >She had C breasts and a large butt. The girl was eating a chocolate >bar when Sarah showed up to question her. "Hello miss, what is your >name?" Sarah asked. Tom: Mmmppph. Joel: Is that with three m's or four? >The girl stopped eating and looked at Sarah. "I'm Hoshi Kawai, nice >to meet you! I'm Hanabi's sister by the way. So before you ask, I >do have experience. I've worked with my sister as a matter of >fact." Hoshi answered with a big smile on her face. Crow: I do my best to sell her jokes. >Sarah was a little bit suprised that Hoshi was related to Hanabi. >"Oh, I see. So I guess we have high expectations for you then? >Well, I wish you luck in the tournament." Sarah said as she started >to walk away from Hoshi. Tom: High expectations for the C breasted big butted girl who eats chocolate bars. Crow: This is less a character list and more a parade. Joel: Can a person really ever be emotionally attached to a float? Or a pair of them? >"Well, those are the four next contestants in the tourney, only >three more left. We will see you all next time, so thank you for >tuning in!" Sarah said before the camera faded to black. Joel: We'll be back, live, next week! Tom: When do we eat? Joel: Shush! Not for a week! Now get in the box... err, stadium! >*Thank you all for reading as always, and I have something else >that maybe you can have a say in. Crow: Actually starting the FLIPPING KEIJO TOURNAMENT?!? >The first round of the tourney is going to be all 2v2s, so if you >have any ideas for pair ups or more ideas for lands, even land >ideas specifically for 2v2s, go ahead and leave them in the >reviews. See you all next time!* Crow: How about spiky tentacles on fire? Tom: Tag team battles? Double the chance of screwjob endings... Crow: My review: This fanfic sucks wooden planks on rubber trees. Tom: Two words. Land Hos. >6. Kagura, Jill, and Hikaru Joel: Two girls, One geek. Tom: Heyyy, Hikaru Gosunkugi's magic finally worked for him. >The camera came back on to Sarah already standing in the crowds >this time, as it was the final day before the tourney would start. Joel: I'm here in the crowd of protesters demanding that this stupid event start already before they die of old age. >The last three girls were arriving and the news stations just >couldn't get enough of it. Crow: Their satellite trucks sent satellite trucks! Tom: Drones filled the air by the dozens... no, hundreds! >"Welcome back to the NHK broadcast coverage of the Keijo Novice >Tournament! The last three girls are arriving, so I hope you all >are prepared to meet them!" Sarah announced as the first car >pulled up. Tom: Sarah blinked as the driver tossed his keys at her before strolling into the stadium. >Out of the car stepped a girl with a serious look on her face, and >her whole body almost gave off a mystical aura. Joel: No, that's just her bodily funk. It was a LONG car ride. >"Hello miss, who might you be?" Sarah asked holding out her >microphone to the girl. "I am Kagura Unmei, pleasure to meet you. >I am a fortune teller by trade, and Keijo player by sport." Crow: And a vigilante by night. Joel: Make a manga about her. IMMEDIATELY. >Kagura introduced herself, almost sounding disinterested. She had a >very serious tone, and she didn't seem too social. Tom: Yeah, it's a... *yawn*... real honour...*scratch scratch*... to be here. >Kagura had C breasts and a medium size butt, which seemed pretty >fitting for an outfighter. Joel: She had them but she lost them in Vegas. A familiar story in all the familiar places... >Kagura walked away, not really wanting to be interviewed by the >reporters and made her way to where the other girls were waiting. >Sally ran right up to Kagura and got up close to her. Tom: When Kagura Met Sally Crow: At this point, the amount of girls waiting outnumbers the entire crowd. Joel: Perhaps even the entire country. >"So you are supposed to be some kind of fortune teller? So can you >tell me when I'm going to kick your butt on the land?" Sally asked >snarkingly, which Kagura did not enjoy. Crow: No, but I can tell you when you plan to fake an orgasm in a public place. I can tell you... but I won't. >"You will lose to me soon, I can feel it. Unless you change your >attitude, you will lose for sure." Kagura answered bluntly, leaving >Sally speechless. Tom: You will lose. I must break you. If you die, you die. Oh, and I fight for me! ME! >Kagura walked past her while Sally tried to think of an insult, but >she was still at a loss for words. "Oh yeah? Well, just you wait >and see! I'll make you take that back!" Sally shouted at Kagura, >but she didn't really listen to Sally at all. Joel: Then... then when you take it back, we'll all point and laugh and tell you "baby got back"! >The second car pulled up and a more cheery girl stepped out. What >was noticeable right away though, was that the girl had massive E >breasts and an extra large butt. Tom: Electronic breasts? Well, it is Japan I guess... Crow: E-Breasts, a division of Jiggle Media in conjunction with Mammaries Inc. >Although the girl was a bit on the heavier side, which helped >support her massive assets. She had long brown hair that came down >in two long pigtails. "Er... who are you miss?" Sarah asked, a bit >caught off guard by the girl's size. Tom: You'd better pay me some respect. Or my answer will be "hungry". Joel: I'm Dame Mix-a-Lot! >The girl sighed, almost offended by how Sarah was talking to her >compared to the others. "I'm Jill Pocknii, a counter in training." >Jill introduced herself and walked away from Sarah, still a little >bit offended. Joel: A counter in training? Like, a lunch counter? Tom: Keep speaking to me and you can count your days remaining. On one hand. >When Jill made her way to the waiting area, and was greeted with >expressions that she was expecting, disgust. Tom: Should Jill be judged by her appearance considering the event she's participating in? Discuss. Crow: I'm not even in the 'fic and I feel judged just for reading it. >Jill looked at her competition and sighed. They were all so thin >and pretty, but here Jill was, all fat and unattractive. Joel: Great, first we get endless introductions and now a rehash of 'Shallow Hal'. >Arianna walked up to Jill and crosses her arms. "Don't mind them, >you are fine the way you are. I bet you have pretty good defense >too!" Arianna told Jill, trying to cheer her up a little bit. Crow: You're either a nice person or trying to patronize me. So, thank you and go to hell respectively. Tom: A lifetime of teasing and pain made me build my inner emotional walls very sturdily. Oh, you're talking about the fighting thing? Joel: Let's just say you couldn't cut MY thick skin with a LIGHTSABER. >The third and final car pulled up, and a more cheery girl stepped >out. Tom: Hoda Kotb! What a get! >She had good sized D breasts, but had a small butt. Joel: So D is good and E is disgusting. Okay, whatever you say, fanfic. Crow: To the food court with you, underdeveloped lass! >Sarah ran up to her and held out the microphone. "Welcome to the >tourney! Who are you miss?" Sarah asked. Crow: Did you ever think she could be a trick-or-treater? Joel: I think she was already tricked into reporting on this event. Tom: And she's going to treat whosever responsible to an ass whoopin'. >The girl smiled at the camera, then looked back at Sarah. "I'm >Hikaru Marvell! Nice to meet you!" Hikaru introduced herself >before giving Sarah a strong hug. Tom: Finally, someone with a more implausible name than Hikaru Sulu. Crow: Thankfully it wasn't a FIERCE hug or Sarah might've thrown up. >Sarah struggled and got out of the hug, taking a deep breath. Joel: *gasp* W-What are you, Samoan? Tom: Then she raked the eyes before applying a headlock takedown. Crow: Ah, finally! Actual ACTION! >"Nice to meet you too! So it's great to see you competing in this >tourney. Your bust seems to be full of promise, so I wish you luck >in this tournament!" Sarah told her. Joel: Your bust isn't a total bust! Crow: Actually, it's full of gummy bears but who's testing? Heh heh... seriously, who's testing? >Hikaru nodded, and then walked away towards the waiting area. Sarah >turned back to face the camera, and Jack walked up to her side. Joel: Everyone hit their marks? Good. Crow: We done yet? I haven't had lunch and this coffee is beating my bladder into submission. >"There you have it! All 16 of our girls, well at least 15 of them >are for sure. Crow: This is Japan. One of the remaining fifteen could just be a tentacle demon in a bodysuit. Tom: Or all of them. This IS Japan we're talking about. >Anyway, we will see you all next time in the first match of the >Keijo Noive Tournament! Goodbye!" Jack announced as he and Sarah >waved before the camera faded to black. Joel: What? There are matches?? Crow: You bring matches for Jackie? Tom: YOU DON'T GIVE JACKIE NO MATCHES, YOU HEAR ME?? >*There you go! All 16 contestants! If you want to see what the >brackets look like right now, go ahead and check this link: Crow: WEBSITE RETRACTED BY THE AUTHOR. No, seriously, the author didn't post a link here. Joel: Who knew reading a Keijo fanfic would lead to us discovering the Missing Link? Tom: Eh, Piltdown Man just wanted to keep Keijo all to himself. >/KeijoNT Crow: This Keijo tournament brought to you by Windows NT. Explains a lot, doesn't it? Tom: Are we closing the tag on the Keijo tournament? That's it, done, finito? Joel: Dream on, Tupper. >Anyway, thank you to everyone who submitted a character and I >always enjoy hearing your ideas! Tom: I especially liked the drawn pictures on matchbooks. They were so cute! You should be an artist! Crow: Fanfiction Writer "Oswald", please see me after class. Joel: I laugh so hard at them that they always brighten up my day! >As always, if you have any ideas for pairings in the tourney or >more ideas for lands, go ahead and leave them in the reviews. >See you all in the first match!* Joel: How about that.... girl with the boobs and... that other girl with the butt! They'd make a great... couple? Crow: I cast my vote for the great state of Waifu. Tom: Seconded! >7. Twin Blades on Conveyor Belts! Crow: WILL the Twin Blade ESCAPE from the PENGUIN'S fiendish trap?? TUNE IN TOMORROW, SAME BAT-TIME! SAME BAT-CHANNEL! >The pairings for the tourney had been posted for round 1, and >everyone had found their partner. Tom: And it took SIX chapters to explain what that one sentence did just now. >Kat and Ana were miraculously paired up together, which the twins >were obviously happy about. No one knew who their opponents were >going to be however, as those were not posted. Joel: At least not till everyone finished exchanging keys. Crow: Fishbowl, girls, fishbowl! >Regardless, the twins were discussing strategy on what they would >do to win. Crow: [falsetto] I recommend caution. Tom: You're too paranoid, bra. >The twins were changing into their uniforms in the locker rooms, >much like all of the other girls. While they were getting dressed, >Ana kept glaring at Jill, still a little bit grossed out by her >fatness. Joel: Let me guess, Ana used to be fat and Jill reminds her of her past self? Crow: Or Ana's just a HUGE bitch. Tom: Take your pick. >"That Jill, she gives me bad vibes. It's disgusting honestly, >people should take of their own bodies more." Ana complained as >she took off her panties and got her uniform out of her bag. Joel: Yeah, and Ana should take of her own body shaming less. Tom: The author, casually ripping off the respectful veneer of Keijo to show the seamy underbelly! Crow: And there's TOO MUCH BELLY! >Kat got her uniform out as well and started to put it on, not even >looking at Jill. "That's just the way she fights Ana. You never >know, maybe she built herself like that on purpose." Kat said, >trying to get Ana to stop. Tom: I CAN SQUAT-THRUST A TREE. Crow: No sexual frustration there, nope. Tom: Hey! >In truth, Kat wasn't too fond of Jill either, but she still >respected her as a player. Although neither had seen Jill on the >land, so they didn't know. Joel: I just came here for the box lunches and ridicule. Carry on. >Sakura was getting into her uniform as well, standing next to Jill, >as they were also partners for the first round. Sakura noticed the >twins looking over at them and poked Jill on the shoulder. Crow: DOUBLE-MINT, DOUBLE-MINT, DOUBLE-MINT GUM! So there! Nyahhh! >"Jill, the twins are staring at you all weird." Sakura told her, >pulling up her plain white swimsuit. Jill glanced over at Ana, and >she immediately stopped staring. Jill sighed again and closed her >locker after putting her stuff in. Tom: She wants me. Everyone wants a piece of me. But there's only so much of me to g-g-give....! >"Sakura, don't worry about who stares. People just get intimidated >by me, well, a lot. I'm used to it." Jill said as the two started >to head out of the locker room and into the waiting room for the >girls, as it was locked off from the news stations and anyone else. Crow: Actually, Jack and Sarah locked it so there was ZERO chance of any interviews before and after EVERY fight. Joel: In this case, we wholly approve of news censorship. Tom: Now back to the objectification. >Sammy was already dressed, she was wearing a brown one piece >uniform that rode up just a little bit. Sammy scooted over on the >bench she was sitting on to avoid being near Jill. "Hi, Sammy >right? I'm Jill." Jill introduced herself to Sammy, who was >shaking a little bit. Joel: Not Brown...! Brown... brown... >Sammy tried to stop her shaking and looked Jill directly in the >eyes. "Y-Yes... I'm Sammy. S-Sorry for shaking like this, I'm not >s-scared of you, I've just never been to one of these tourneys >before." Sammy explained nervously. Crow: I've Keijoed for my life on the STREET. You don't know where the fudge I come from! I used to bang with the 'C-Cup Casualties'. Who was your crew? Tom: I AM my crew. I'm an army of one, bee-yatch! Crow: Straight. >Jill nodded and patted her on the shoulder. "It's okay Sammy, it's >my first time at one of these too. But I keep myself calm, I bet >you can do the same." Jill said reassuringly. Sakura nodded in >agreement with Jill and patted Sammy on the shoulder as well. >"Yeah, you've got this!" Sakura encouraged. Joel: Oh, just start the montage already and get it over with. >Kat and Ana walked out into the waiting room together as well and >sat down on a bench next to each other. Velma was sitting by >herself playing on her phone when the twins sat down close by. Joel: Being inside a women's locker room is somehow less exciting than I expected. Crow: Come on, DO something! Compare each other's breasts! Grope each other for fun! Tom: Kiss! KISS! KISS!!! Joel: You guys... >They were about to talk with Velma when a buzzer went off and a >loudspeaker started up in the waiting room and locker room. Tom: WELCOME... TO... THE HUNGER GAMES! Joel: More like the Thirsty Games. Crow: Well, at least it's not the Squid Games. Lousy frigging stupid ending... >"Kat, Ana, Jill, Sakura, report to the land for your first match." >a voice announced. Joel: This land is my land? Crow: Yep, this land is your land. Joel: This land was made for you and me! Tom: ... >Kat and Ana rushed out of the living room and bolted for the land >first, very eager to see what they would be fighting on. Joel: My money's on key lime pie! Crow: No way, banana pudding or nothin'! Tom: Living room? Did they go through the foyer to the mud room? Are they in the backyard now? >Meanwhile, Jill and Sakura simply got up and walked out of the >waiting room, with Sammy waving goodbye to them as they did so. Crow: Have fun storming the castle! Tom: They have no dignity, do the... oww, dammit, I stubbed my toe! >When Kat and Ana arrived at the pool, they were greeted by tons of >cheering from the crowd. Tom: There's a match! We don't care how good it is, there's an actual match! >"Our first duo is the Twin Blades, Kat and Ana!" a voice introduced >the two to the crowd. Ana got a big smile on her face while Kat >kept her focus. Crow: Bounce, then jiggle... bounce, then jiggle... Joel: You like them! You REALLY REALLY like them! >There was a staircase that led onto the land, which Kat and Ana >swiftly climbed up. The land itself was rather small, but what it >was made of was rather suprising. Crow: Cottage Cheese! Looks like we were BOTH wrong, Joel! Oh well! Joel: Are they battling or presenting an Academy Award? Tom: Our first nominee is... ow, get your elbow out of my breast! >Other than the direct middle, the land was a circle made of several >rows of conveyor belts. The conveyor belts were going in opposite >directions after each row, and they were moving at different speed >on each. Tom: So "Keijo" means "platform gaming"? Crow: All this scene needs now is Takashi Tateishi composing. >Jill and Sakura stepped up on the stairs and walked onto the >conveyor belts shortly after Kat and Ana. The two teams stood on >opposite sides of the land, but the conveyor belt kept spinning >them slowly. Joel: Geez, and I thought 'Most Extreme Elimination Challenge' was convoluted. Tom: I'm amazed Vic and Kenny AREN'T doing commentary for this, honestly. >The conveyor belts were faster the closer they got to the center. >Only the center wasn't moving, but it was only about three feet >wide. Crow: It's not so much who will be last standing on the platform but who can avoid losing their lunch the longest. >Kat was holding her velcro top, and Ana was holding her velcro >bottom. Both were ready to lunge as soon as the match started. Joel: I clench my can in anticipation of VICTORY! Tom: I wasn't aware Zubaz made bikinis. >Jill was doing a few stretches, while Sakura was doing a few ballet >moves before the match to warm up. Tom: Isn't ballet warm up like 90% stretching anyway? Crow: Meanwhile, Kat was doing the sensible thing and ordering up a hit. Not too messy, but very public. >After a minute, the bell rang and the match began. Both teams were >motionless, both waiting to see what the other would do. Joel: Otherwise known as "any soccer game ever televised." >Jill took a step forward in front of Sakura, and the twins made >their move. Jill stood and the two hits that followed. Tom: The noun accidentally got in the way and was quickly taken out of the fight. Crow: Whoa, they really DID hire a hitman! >Kat jumped and swung her breasts, and Ana thrust her butt into >Jill's stomach. Joel: It was a buttshot AND a gutshot! >While the two attacked, Sakura started to spin rapidly behind Jill, >generating a bit of wind. Tom: Come on, narration, it's clearly a butt of wind. Can't we get even one stupid pun livening up the proceedings? Crow: Yeah, be butter already! >After blocking the two attacks, Jill stepped out of Sakura's way >and prepared for her next move. Tom: ...calling for Mr. Fuji! >Sakura continued to spin, and when she felt she was ready, she >lunged forward with boobs and slammed into Ana. "Take that, my >Bust Hurricane!" Sakura shouted as Ana was knocked back a bit. Joel: She really needs to calm her... well, you know the meme. >Kat was blown back a little bit by the wind, but she kept her >balance and prepared to strike again. Ana took her stance again, >but this time Sakura became the focus of the attacks instead. Crow: I believe in anti-censorship and sex positivity! Joel: Anaaa! That was MY stance! Stop stealing itttt....! Tom: The way she's swinging that cellulite, she's definitely more than a stationary front. >"You can't keep hiding behind your wall!" Ana shouted as she >charged at Sakura and jumped up. Crow: Not even if Mexico paid for it? >Jill jumped in front of Sakura again and took the hit from Ana. Ana >simply smirked as she hopped back off of Jill from hitting her >stomach and landed. Tom: That sentence was HORRIBLY circumcised. Joel: Jill always gets typecast as the meat shield. >Kat charged in from the side and dunked her boobs on Sakura's head, >nearly knocking her down to the ground. Joel: Dunked her... boobs? Um, 'fic, could you possibly draw me a diagram here? Crow: I would but you won't let me! Tom: Same. And my arms don't work. >"You can hide if you want, we understand." Kat said as she lifted >up her breasts again and got ready to slam them down again. Tom: Please hammers, don't hurt 'em. Crow: Most girls get silicone implants, she filled hers with cement. >Sakura hopped out of the way barely and landed on another conveyor >belt, and it took her in the opposite direction. Tom: Bye, plebs. I have a plane to catch. >Ana hopped beside Kat and looked at her. "What do we do here sis? >We can't get any attacks in if that wall blocking the way." Ana >asked, watching the conveyor belts bringing them closer to Sakura. Joel: Nevermind that, look at this neat parasol I just found lying about! Tom: Look out, flaming BARREL!! Somebody shoot that crazy gorilla already!! Crow: Ehh, just wait for the Smash Ball and we'll just use a Final Smash on them. >Kat started to rub her own breasts, shaking them up as much as >possible. Crow: The friction should set them on fire and.... AHHHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?!? Joel: Yeah, I think *I'll* come up with the next idea. >"We are bringing out the blades for this. You go first and distract >Jill, I'll take out Sakura." Kat explained. Ana nodded and started >to rub her butt. Tom: The Ginsu Butt! Able to cut your shoes, your melons or your opponents in half with just one twerk! Crow: And if someone tries to grope you, you can slice their fingers off! It's just THAT easy! Joel: BUTT wait! There's MORE! >After a few seconds of rubbing, Ana ran towards Jill and started >to spin. Joel: Enough of this fighting, let's *dance*! Tom: I'll try spinning, that's a good trick! >Once close enough, Ana tore off her velcro bottom and slashed her >butt across Jill's breasts. "Butt Blade!" Ana shouted as she hopped >back, leaving Jill stunned briefly. Tom: Can you please install some butt blades on me? Crow: Oh, you want to be a veggie chopper now? Tom: No, I want my butt cheeks to be lethal weapons. And I want butt cheeks. >Ana looked over to Kat, who was now already making her move on >Sakura. Joel: Hey baby, wanna trip the light fantastic? Tom: Flowers, chocolates... a spritz of Binaca... >Sakura started to spin and try to whip up another wind, but Kat >lunged forward and tore off her velcro top and slashed Sakura's >boobs with her own. Crow: Parry! Thrust! Riposte! BOUNCE! >"Boob Blade!" Kat shouted as she knocked Sakura up. Tom: Uh... what? Joel: So remember, kids. Always wrap up your nipples before sex. Crow: The nipple doubles as a... okay, seriously, is this 'La Blue Girl' now or what!? >Kat strapped her top back on as she watched Ana jump up and spin >into Sakura, and then slash her again. Tom: Hey, hey! At least give me nine months first! >"Finishing move, Ultra Butt Blade!" Ana shouted as Sakura went >flying off the land, falling into the water below. Joel: As Sakura continued to plummet, Ana resheathed her.... butt. Crow: *shing* >The screen that displayed what was going on crossed out a picture >of Sakura with a red x. "Sakura chan has been knocked off, loser!" >an announcer said as Sakura popped her head out of the water. Tom: It's getting too stupid up there, I'll just swim a backstroke down here for a bit. Crow: No no no, you're going to do the breast stroke! "Look at Sakura cutting through the water as she breast strokes so easily..." Tom: *sigh*. >Jill looked down off the land to see if Sakura was okay, then >turned her attention back to the twins. Joel: Okay, boobies, you have to be sharper than ever. >Both had grins on their face as they stood in the center of the >land. "I guess this means we win! Get your fat ass over here and >we'll knock you off. Just kidding! You probably need the conveyor >belts to even get over here!" Ana teased. Crow: Okay then you scrawny bitch, push me off this platform now eh? Tom: Uhh... go get her, Kat! >Kat glared at Ana, "You shouldn't be so mean like that!" Kat >argued. Ana stuck her tongue out while Jill was starting to get >angry. Crow: Calling me names is one thing but sticking your tongue out, THAT PISSES ME OFF. >Jill started to run towards the twins, and they proceeded to hop >onto the fastest conveyor belt. Kat started rubbing her nipples >again, and Ana was rubbing her butt again. Joel: Welcome back to 'Sexin' to the Oldies'! Tom: They're just honing the blades contained within. >Jill stomped onto the center platform while the twins circled >around her. "Butt Blade!" Ana shouted as she tore off her bottom >again and thrust backwards towards Jill. Tom: Yep, that's a paragraph you just read folks. Try reading it out loud now for a laugh! Crow: These Vegas Stage Shows are getting a little too intense for me. Joel: Remember when that used to be an invitation for singles? >Unfortunately for her, Jill caught one of Ana's buttcheeks with her >own butt. "Wah! I'm stuck! Kat, don't attack!" Ana warned, trying >to free herself from Jill's hold. Tom: Oh no, she's got Ana in a figure four buttlock! The attack that puts stress on seven different parts of the ass! >Kat didn't pay attention and was solely focused on attacking, so >she also went in for an attack. "Boob Blade!" Kat shouted as she >lunged forward after tearing off her top. Crow: Boobs of Omens! Give me Nipple beyond Nipple! Tom: So wait, is she only using one nipple then or both nipples as one blade or... I'm utterly befuddled by the mechanics of this attack... Joel: You got *this far* into the 'fic and you're complaining about this right here? Tom: Fair point. >Kat tried to slash Jill, but Jill caught Kat's right boob with her >breasts. "Bare butt, and bare boob clutch!" Jill said, as she >started to spin while holding on tight to the twins. Crow: All the while humming "Dancing Queen" under her breath. >Ana and Kat tried to get out of it, but they were stuck in her >massive butt and breasts. Tom: I fail to see the problem. Joel: Hoisted by their own... uhh... petards? >"Finishing move, Catapult Release!" Jill shouted as she stopped >spinning and flung the twins out of her hold, sending them both >flying into the water. Crow: Next time, don't diss the phat lady. Cause I'm about to siiiing, bitches...! >"Kat chan and Ana chan have been knocked off, loser!" the announcer >called out as Kat and Ana came back up to the surface and put their >velcro uniform pieces back on. Joel: Modesty? Now?? Tom: Talk about closing the barn door after the horses have fled. >Jill looked down at them, then at the crowd. There was a lot of >cheering, and a big smile grew on Jill's face. Crow: They're bad at insulting me... and they can't swim either! Hahahaha! Tom: *glub* >"Yes! I did it! We won Sakura!" Jill exclaimed as she jumped off >the land and into the water. Tom: Jill has jumped into the water, loser! Crow: Oopsie. Joel: *smacks forehead* >Sakura was clapping at the edge of the pool with a towel wrapped >around her. "Good job Jill! You really showed them!" Sakura cheered >as Jill climbed out of the pool. Tom: Wedgies... is there anything they CAN'T do? >Kat and Ana had climbed out as well and gotten their towels as >well. "We were so close sis. I couldn't get out of that last >attack. I'm sorry." Ana apologized. Kat wrapped her arm around >her sister and patted her on the shoulder. Crow: Right before shoving her back into the pool. Joel: Apology accepted. >"It's fine, I got stuck too. At least we learned from this." >Kat said reassuringly as they walked back to the waiting room. Tom: Don't tease people bigger than us that can kick our ass? Joel: Bingo. >Back in the waiting room, the other 12 girls had been watching the >match. Crow: Will... will it light? Tom: Maybe if we stare at it longer? >"Wow, they're really good! I can't believe Jill was able to catch >the twins like that!" Velma complimented. Joel: Was Jill really Old Man Simmons the whole time? Crow: I know I'd let her catch me any day. Yeah, that's right, I'm out. DEAL with it, Scooby Doo fans! >Ryuko scoffed and laughed a little bit. "Them? Good? Wait till you >see me out there. I'm gonna win so fast." Ryuko said confidently. Tom: I'll be done before the introductions are complete! Joel: Wait, we get introductions? >8. Butt Springs in the Bowl! Joel: Oh those wacky Japanese pranksters. >Kayaku was still looking out the window after the first match had >ended. Tom: This @#$!%@ skybox was $3,500 and they can't even clean the windows? I can barely see the jiggling from here. Crow: Twenty-five bucks for a HOT DOG!?!? Are you @#$!%@ kidding me?!? >She was impressed by the twin's techniques at first, but then >realized how quickly things fell apart when they came across a >counter. Tom: And hoo boy, if they ever encountered a *shelf*? They'd be screwed. Crow: And end tables? Fuggedaboudit. >"Interesting. I have to keep an eye out for Jill in this case. I >can't go losing this early." Kayaku said to herself as the four >girls walked back into the waiting room. Crow: Waiting room? I won, that means I get the Flintstone phone! Tom: Fine, I'll get the bead thingy. Joel: Ooh, yay, "Bible Adventures". Just shoot me. >Jill sat back down on the couch that was there and took a deep >breath. Sakura sat down beside her and leaned back a little bit. Crow: Is there a fake ficus here too? It's not a waiting room without a fake ficus. Joel: Shhhhh... I'm zoning out to the Muzak... >"That was close. You really saved us there Jill. You were still >really good up there." Sakura complimented. Jill simply nodded >and took the compliment. Joel: Anyone else care to compliment? I'm here all afternoon. Crow: You can have another, I've got a warehouse full of 'em. >Katarina stumbled out of the locker room, trying to adjust her >uniform, but not having any luck at all. Tom: Babe, your uniform is supposed to go over your torso, not your calves. >"It's been so long ever since I've worn this... it's so tight." >Katarina muttered as she walked into the waiting room, finally >somewhat comfortable with her uniform. Her features popped out a >bit more, which made Katarina feel quite a bit embarassed. Crow: Once I win this tournament, I'm going straight to the Sweat Pants Store and buying my weight in bulk! >Kayaku noticed Katarina stumble out and sighed, "We are doomed. >This is why I go solo." Tom: Time to get the tuba. Joel: And with that, the music group 'Bust Friends Forever' was no more. >Kayaku said to herself as she walked up to Katarina and >looked her up and down. "Yep, you have the body of a butt counter. Crow: *click* 487... *click* 488... *click* 489... *click click* Oh, good evening, Ms. Minaj. 491... >Listen, I can tell you don't like fighting, so just block anyone >that comes near me. Joel: Just like I do EVERY SINGLE MINUTE of EVERY SINGLE DAY since getting an account on Twitter. >I work good 1v1, so just keep one away." Kayaku said, >walking around Katarina and inspecting her. Crow: Grade A Cheesecake. Tom: Good thing she isn't lactose intolerant. >Despite Katarina's body, Kayaku still wasn't too happy being paired >up with her. Just having a good body wasn't enough, you needed to >be able to wield it properly. Tom: Beauty is only HALF the battle! This is KEIJO, dammit! The Sport of Queens! The Sexy Science! The...! Joel: Okay, okay, I get the point! Now stop leering at me already! Geez! >"Umm... thanks. I'll try my best to protect you then. I won't >disappoint-" Katarina started to thank, but stopped when Kayaku >grabbed her butt and squeezed it a bit. Crow: I want to pinch. Joel: I'm going to sue. Crow: No pinch, no pinch, no pinch. >Katarina blushed and turned around. "Hmm, it's very springy. So you >don't take hits, you reflect the attacks back. Interesting." Tom: And yet it couldn't reflect being groped. Funny that. >while Katarina covered her butt and walked over to where Sammy was >sitting and sat down next to her. Joel: She immediately bounced headfirst into the ceiling and got stuck. Tom: Damn, that butt IS springy! Crow: @!#?@! >Sammy looked over at Katarina and waved quickly. Oddly, she felt a >little bit comfortable around Katarina compared to everyone else. Joel: But then she had loved storm watching every since she was a kid. Tom: It could have been because Katarina slipped her the occasional fiver. >"H-Hey Katarina. You don't want to talk to anyone either?" Sammy >asked. Katarina nodded her head in response and took her hands >off her butt. Crow: My butt feels safe with you, Sammy. With you, there's no fear in my rear. >"Yes... everyone here, I wasn't expecting this much of a crowd. My >partner just squeezed my butt, and now it seems I can't talk to >anyone." Katarina said. Joel: Man, when did this fanfic turn into a Coronet Instructional Film? >Sammy was about to say something but the loudspeaker went off >again, and the announcer started talking. Tom: Something about Sunday Sunday Sunday? Crow: Will the owner of a 2001 Subaru Derriere please report to the parking lot? Your tail lights are on. >"Kayaku, Hoshi, Katarina, and Mia report to the land! Kayaku, >Hoshi, Katarina, and Mia report to the land!" the announcer called, >and Katarina stood back up. Joel: My amber waves of grain need me! Crow: Can't we meet different people yet? I'm willing to take a few more rolls of the dice out front, eh? >She walked a bit fast to the exit of the waiting room, hoping to >not run into anyone else. Joel: I'd suggest opening your eyes. That helps to not run into people. Crow: Not to mention having bumpers front and aft. >The land was a giant bowl this time, with a ramp leading into the >bowl. Tom: And with the apple and peach bottoms that were being put in, it became a veritable fruit bowl. >The bowl wasn't held down by anything except one chain keeping it >attached in the ground, which meant that it would rock back and >forth in the water. Joel: Yikes, that sounds dangerous. Maybe if you jiggle the handle? Crow: Fortunately, the Butcher, the Baker and the Candlestick Maker bailed hours ago. >Katarina walked up the ramp and nearly tripped once actually >stepping into the bowl. Tom: What actually is the point of said bowl? Crow: Let's just say each spectator was handed a pair of chopsticks. >It was about 6 meters wide, which meant that >there was still plenty of room to move around in, which was perfect >for Katarina. Crow: Bring me the beef! I am ready! Joel: Just stay to the side so we can ladle in the noodles. >Kayaku hopped into the bowl shortly after and walked up to >Katarina. "Okay, new strategy. Tom: I bought these loaded pistols and... now wait, just hear me out... >We need to use the bowl to knock the others off >balance and then we can strike a lot easier." Kayaku instructed as >they look up at the top of the bowl. Crow: This has more bowl than the PBA. Joel: This redesign of the Slip n' Slide is a bit suspect. >The bowl was about 2 meters tall, which >made it nearly impossible to see the crowd. Tom: Finally, the nosebleed seats get their revenge. Joel: Being cheap finally pays off! Ha ha! We can see EVERYTHING from up here, LOSERS! >Hoshi stepped in and nearly rolled down to the bottom of the bowl >while Mia kept her balance going in. Crow: Now we know how dice feel. Tom: Originally it was going to be a salad bowl, but there were simply too many potential dirty jokes to ignore. >"Ah! Kayaku! It's good to see you again! We aren't on the same side >however... so I guess I will have to utterly defeat you!" Mia >called out, laughing right after. Joel: How appropriate, you taunt like a cow. Crow: Can't we all just hang out in the bowl for a while? >Katarina shuddered and stepped behind Kayaku. Mia's smile never >seemed to disappear, and she kept her wide grin. It was offputting, >and it was already intimidating Katarina. Tom: It was even MORE intimidating when Mia slowly vanished but her smile STILL REMAINED... >Hoshi waved at the two and bowed. "I look >forward to fighting you two, don't hold back!" Hoshi said, a more >serious look on her face. Tom: While Katarina trembled and shrieked "Stop smiling, STOP IT, I SAID!!!" Crow: Hokay, can I get a new partner? Or just fight myself? Seriously, I can totally take me! >The bell rung and the fight started right away, catchng all four of >them off guard. Joel: Then they all started salivating. >Mia decided to make her move first and went straight for Katarina. >Katarina turned around and stuck her butt out for Mia to hit, which >she did with her own butt. Tom: The resulting shock wave devastated most of Japan and the Pacific Rim. >Mia felt herself sprung off though and >was sent back a ways and surprised her greatly. Joel: Gravity is just a theory, I suppose. Tom: I mean, if the Matrix has bullet-time... what the heck is this? Butt-erspace? Crow: Either that or ass-trophysics. >Kayaku was building up pressure in her boobs and was clenching them >close together. As soon as Mia was far enough, Kayaku ran up and >pressed her boobs against Mia's. Joel: As soon as Mia was FAR enough? Geez, how far do her boobs STRETCH in front of her? Tom: They call her... Elasti-Gazongas! >Nothing seemed to happen, and Kayaku got a small grin on her face. >Mia didn't notice anything either, but now she turned her attention >to Kayaku now, since she seemed an easier target than Katarina. Crow: She failed to notice the ticking sound until it was too late. Tom: That's a helluva booby trap right there. >Hoshi was running up to Kayaku as well, but from a different side. >Katarina jumped in front of Hoshi and held out her butt again, >springing Hoshi away. Tom: Her butt's detachable? Joel: I think it's more the Spaceballs transporter accident. Crow: Last Christmas... I gave you my butt... but the very next day... you gave it away... >Kayaku ran towards Mia as well and started to spin, building >up more pressure in her boobs. Mia's butt and Kayaku's boobs >collided and there was a small explosion from Kayaku's breasts >that knocked Mia back. Tom: Gah, ouch! My biscuits are on fire! Fire in the house! Ooh Eee! That smarts! Crow: Implant rupture? You know that anything in a breast implant should be inert, right? Tom: Some girls will do ANYTHING to win. AN-Y-THING. >From there, Katarina locked onto Mia with her butt and rammed into >her, sending her back even more with a loud "Boing!". Crow: I just... she's got magnets in her butt implants *and* a soundboard? Joel: Damn it, I can't shake her! Someone get this butt off my ass! >Mia was trying to gain her balance and counterattack, but was just >overwhelmed by everything thrown at her. Tom: One cheek was bad enough, but BOTH!? Crow: The overwhelming softness... no, stop, don't, I mean it. [stage whispers] but I really don't. >"How is she getting me!? She isn't looking this way!" Mia >yelled as she ran away from Katarina and back towards Kayaku. Joel: You can run, you can hide... but they'll always get ya in the end. >Katarina moved in front of Mia again and springed her back. "Just >get off the land and this will all be over! My Spring Cerberus will >always find you!" Katarina exclaimed as Mia was sent back even >further. Tom: Homeward Bound 2! Starring Michael J. Fox as Cerberus. >Hoshi heard Katarina say Cerberus, which set her off a bit. Crow: Hey, no bringing hellhounds into this! I call foul! >"Don't you use that move! The Cerberus isn't yours! Feel my Butt >Guilotine!" Hoshi shouted as she darted at Katarina. Joel: OFF WITH HER HINEY! Tom: I mean, the whole thing is about three paradoxes stacked upon each other like little kids wearing a trenchcoat. >Hoshi jumped up and came down with butt locked on Katarina's head. Crow: Why don't you pull your head out of my ass and face reality? >Katarina jumped out of the way and Hoshi landed, followed by Kayaku >getting a direct hit on Hoshi with her butt. Joel: This is like "Double Dare" when the physical challenge was "pop balloons by sitting on them." Crow: Yeah, where's Marc Summers when we need him? >Mia caught up to Hoshi and blocked Kayaku's second attack. Hoshi >got her balance back and looked towards Katarina with a slight >glare. Tom: When I asked for a neck pillow, I did NOT mean _this_. >"That Cerberus of yours is gonna go down!" Hoshi shouted as she and >Mia got ready to strike Kayaku again. Tom: Maybe Cerberus wants to go home? Joel: He needs his nappies. Don't cha, boy? Don't cha? >Mia and Hoshi went after Kayaku, and Katarina tried to interfere >again, but this time Mia shoved her butt in her face, knocking her >away. Crow: (shakes his head) This is why we can't have nice fanservice. Joel: If only the presidential debates were settled this way. >"Shooting Butt!" Hoshi shouted as she leaped up with her butt and >uppercutted Kayaku with her butt in the face. All: BUTTTTT-RYU-KEN! >"Finishing move: Aether!" Tom: .... Crow: Shot in the dark here, it's something to do with her butt? >Mia shouted as she knocked Kayaku upwards with her butt and then >jumped above and slammed her down with her butt. Tom: So.... where would one go to be trained in this? Joel: Butte, Montana? Crow: Natch. >Kayaku was slammed down onto the land on her back, and couldn't get >up. Crow: Her butt had fallen and she couldn't afford the surgery to go on. >"Kayaku-chan has fallen, loser!" the announcer announced as >Kayaku's picture was crossed out. Katarina shuddered nervously as >Mia and Hoshi turned towards her. Crow: You know, I have *two* butt cheeks. One for each of you. Joel: And we have *four*. Tom: Don't forget our boobs! That makes it a... umm... Six, I mean Eight... no, wait... damn it, I need a calculator! Crow: 80085 >Hoshi fondled her butt rapidly, and then pushed it up against >Mia's, transferrong a huge amount of energy to her. Tom: Like a car battery? Crow: Joel, is that how human butts really work? Joel: Thankfully, no. Tom: Can you make OUR butts work like that, Joel? Joel: Thankfully, no. >"Use my Butt Nova's power to finish this!" Hoshi said as Mia >started to run towards Katarina. Hoshi ran the other way and >stopped at the edge of the bowl. Crow: ...make sure the seat is down first? >Mia jumped up and tried to slam her butt into Katarina, but >Katarina turned around and stuck her own butt out. Tom: We're officially at Gluteus Maximus levels of butt here, people. Joel: This 'fic was *totally* sponsored by Charmin. Crow: Mister Whipple...!! >Mia pushed her to the other side of the bowl before being sprung >back by Katarina's Cerberus. Tom: Like two urinal cakes dancing in the flush rain. >When Katarina turned around, Mia ran up again and grabbed onto her >boobs with own this time and held on tightly, preventing movement. Crow: AS RICHARD AS MY WITNESS, THOU SHALL NOT JIGGLE THY JUBBLIES TODAY!!! Joel: I have a bustier, you know. I don't need a second. >"Prepare to swim with the fishes!" Mia said while Katarina tried >to get out of Mia's grasp. Crow and Tom: (start humming the trumpet theme to 'The Godfather') Joel: Look how they massacred my boob... >Hoshi jumped up high into the air and then slammed down into the >ground, launching both Mia and Katarina up into the air. "Finishing >move: Suicide Dunk!" Mia exclaimed as she continued to hold onto >Katarina as she pulled Katarina down into the water with her. Tom: BOOMSHAKALAKA!!! Crow: This is what the original writers of "Waterworld" had completed, but Costner was too damn chicken to film. >"Katarina-chan and Mia-chan have been knocked out, losers! Victor >goes to Hoshi and Mia!" the announcer declared as Hoshi cheered to >herself in the bowl. Joel: Go me! Go me! I! Am! Great! Whoo!!! Tom: Then she abruptly realized she was in a oversized novelty BOWL... and began to re-evaluate her life. >Mia and Katarina popped out of the water and Mia looked towards >Katarina with an apologetic smile. "Sorry 'bout that. We just had >to win. Good game though!" Mia apologized. Tom: Sorry about your ear too. I just get so darn competitive sometimes! Crow: What? I can't hear you! Some bitch bit my ear off! >Katarina shook her head as they swam back to the edge of the pool. >"It's fine. You did what you had to. Friends?" Katarina offered, >holding her hand out for Mia. Joel: Uh-oh, I've seen 'Dynasty', I know where THIS scene is going... >Mia chuckled and shook her hand. "Friends." Mia said back. Tom: Now... PIVOT! >Hoshi and Kayaku were waiting for them at the edge of the pool and >they helped the two out of the water. As soon as Katarina and Mia >were out, Kayaku walked away and left the three. Crow: Now it's time for the spun towel portion of the battle! Tom: Double or nothing! >"You two put up a good fight. Although we won, congrats on that >anyways." Hoshi congratulated as they dried off. Joel: So we completely passed up the whole "wet clothing" route? Tom: After all of... *that*? >The three walked back to the waiting room and Mia was feeling >around Katarina's butt. Joel: Umm, can I help you? Crow: No worries, I'm helping myself! >"How did ya get it so springy? Or is that Cerberus thing that makes >it like that?" Mia asked curiously. Katarina didn't blush this >time, but simply answered. Crow: Psst... look up "Brazil." Tom: Seven Ply Toilet Paper, same brand Strong Bad uses. >"It's just how my butt is. My Cerberus comes from my sister, she >sort of passed it down to me." Katarina explained. Joel: I pass this ass, from me to you. Tom: The rubber gag butt had been in the family for centuries... Crow: And you don't *want* to know what I found inside when I inherited this ass. >The mention of a sister interested Hoshi a bit. "Wait, your sister >gave you that? Could your sister be Kotone by any chance?" Hoshi >asked. Crow: I'm still trying to figure out how one receives body parts from a sibling without the use of a scalpel. Tom: The Black Butt Market? >Katarina nodded. "Yes, Kotone is my big sis. That's why I use >Cerberus, although mine isn't as good as hers." Katarina answered, >putting a big smile on Hoshi's face. Joel: Speaking of big smiles, thanks for letting me examine your butt this long. >"Really? Well, I know Kotone, and I can already tell that we are >going to get along well. Sorry for taking you out this early. But >if you practice enough, maybe we'll meet on the land sometime in >the future!" Crow: Ohhh, the but-tocks and the boo-bies should be friends..! Tom: Why are they chummy again? This is based off an anime. Their great-grandchildren are supposed to be swearing blood oath rivalries. Joel: Nah, this is still the first generation, they haven't even had time to ruin one of each other's family dinners yet. >Hoshi said assuringly as they entered the waiting room. Katarina >nodded her head. "Yeah, and next time, I'll be the one to win!" >Katarina said confidently. Crow: Good, about time. Now insult each other! Joel: Four years later, Katarina competed again... and was eliminated in the *second* round. Tom: And... we're done! Crow: Oh awesome! Once again, another fanfic introduces a TON of characters and then only does one or two chapters barely featuring them. Joel: This was 50% introduction and 50% bad descriptions of fighting. Tom: Along with 70% butt and 30% boobs. Crow: And while you CAN have too much of those good things, they're still GOOD things in the end. Heh, end. Tom: Heh, can. Joel: Come on, you boobs. It's time to go. Tom: And that's the way tit is. Joel: Heh, tit. (Joel picks up Tom follows Crow out of the theatre) * * * DEEP 13 "...and that's why I put up with Dr. F's abuse. I mean, I look up to the guy even when I want him to die for all the pain he's put me through... does that make me weird?" Frank lamented as he rested on a grey couch next to Dr. Forrester's singing stove invention. "Not at all, Frank." The stove replied calmly in Gilbert Gottfried's voice. "It's completely understandable how you could fall sway under a bad influence like Dr. Forrester and experience both admiration and hatred at the same time. Relationships of all kinds can be complicated." "Yeah, I know... but what do you think I should do to express myself from now on?" Frank asked. "HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW!? I'M A STOVE!!!" Gilbert's voice abruptly screamed at him as Frank winced and frantically gestured to keep quiet. "FRANK!" Dr. Forrester's voice bellowed from off-camera causing Frank to panic and fall off the couch to the floor. "S-Steve?" Frank replied. "Are you asking my stove to psychoanalyze you?" "Uh, n-no?" "Get in here and tuck me in! I've got a long day of going through the data from this week's experiment ahead of me tomorrow! And don't forget to push the button!" Dr. Forrester's voice snapped. "Be right there, Dr. F!" Frank replied before whispering to the stove. "We'll talk later, 'kay?" "Only if you got another $250 bucks to blow, schmuck." Gilbert's voice muttered as Frank walked over to the console and gave the button a slap. *FWOOSH!* ..AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... [This MSTing is dedicated to the memory of Gilbert Gottfried.] We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome. (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST) Check out our newest Let's Play for the 1990 Adventure Game 'Les Manley: Search for the King, now available on Youtube for your viewing pleasure with optional captioning at: [Let's Play/MST... Les Manley: Search for the King] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12hPszElrDc You can also find our other Let's Plays of the AGS Adventure Games 'The Medical Theories of Dr. Kur' and 'Witch Night', for your viewing pleasure with optional captioning and blooper reels at: [Let's Play... The Medical Theories of Dr. Kur] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvKtN3d7TWk [Blooper Reel] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M98zMs6e-XI [Let's Play... Witch Night] - http://youtu.be/KlsZXdAH7G8 [Blooper Reel] - http://youtu.be/YpHz4jlBphc Additionally, you can find my most recent video series "Celebrating Women of ALL Types in Arcade and Fighting Games!" at the following links: [Pt. 1 "Celebrating Women of ALL Types in Arcade Gaming!" (1981-2001)] - https://youtu.be/Q-y1LclNI_0 [Pt. 2 "Pt. 2 "Celebrating Women of ALL Types in Fighting Games!" (1985-2005)] - https://youtu.be/M0OS_wvrNs8 [Pt. 3 "More Celebrating ALL Types of Female Characters from Arcade Gaming!" (1983-2003)] - https://youtu.be/fKmAmosjRGI You can also find my first Let's Play of the AGS Adventure Game 'Paul Quest' and a few other videos at: - https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67/videos Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/ I've been MSTing for twenty five years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honour that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who's in-depth C&C and riffs for this MSTing are always appreciated and for making the MSTing process so much fun! :) - Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including her upcoming MSTing: - 'He Loved' (Death Note / Code Geass) Other recent MSTings we've done: http://www.nabiki.com/mst/recent/ - '12 Months and a year' Pt. 1-2 (Street Fighter) - 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2) - 'A Date with Fate' (Sailor Moon Lemon) - 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2) - 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF) (Sailor Moon) - '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' (Sailor Moon) - 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' (Sailor Moon) - 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin) - 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena) - 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi X-Over) - 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears) - 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon) - 'My Kid's An Alien!' Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura) ***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed to can be found in the various categories at:*** 'A MSTing for All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst 'The MSTing Mine' http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/ [Posted by me under author names 'Megane 6.7' and 'Zoogz'] 'MediaMiner' http://www.mediaminer.org/ [Posted by me under author name 'Megane67'] 'Archive of Our Own' http://www.archiveofourown.org [Posted by me under author name 'MSTerMegane67'] >Hoshi jumped up and came down with butt locked on Katarina's head. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2022 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics...