*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS* (And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain) (The future isn't what it used to be...) "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FIVE) EPISODE 49: A DATE WITH FATE (A Sailor Moon Lemon MSTing) MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred. Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering our collective asses here folks... "Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of her work. "A Date with Fate" is the property of NefliteX. We attempted to contact him by e-mail but there was no reply and we sincerely hope he doesn't take offence to this MSTing of his work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p Warning: This fanfic contains mature content and scenes of lemon. If you are offended by such material or are too young to legally view it, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy! * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Hey everybody, welcome to the Satellite of..." Joel Robinson's cheerful introduction was cut short as multicoloured lights flashed and alarms began to wail. "FANFIC SIGN!!" he cried out as he rushed towards the theater doors only to bounce off them face first as they failed to open. "Ow." Joel frowned as he rubbed his nose. Suddenly, the entire ship violently lurched to the side, throwing Joel off balance and to the floor. "Gypsy, what the Sam Heck is going on here!?" he exclaimed. "Joel, we've got big trouble!" Gypsy cried out as she rushed onto the bridge. "We've completely lost control of our guidance systems! It's like something's grabbed the ship and yanked us out of Earth's orbit!" "Hey, would you guys quit shaking the ship already!?" An exasperated Tom Servo, his bubble dome splattered with paint, exclaimed as he emerged from the holocabana and hovered onto the bridge. "I'm trying to paint a nude protrait here! It's hard enough trying to paint nipples when your arms don't work but when the room's shaking like a Gainax bounce...!" Tom was cut off as the ship lurched again and the sounds of loud crunching were heard. "That's... not the kind of noise you want to hear in a pressurized environment, is it?" he said nervously. Joel shook his head as Crow T. Robot suddenly rushed onto the bridge. "Guys! Look outside! You're not gonna believe what just grabbed us!" "Cambot, give me Rocket Number 9!" Joel commanded as the viewscreen showed the exterior of the Satellite of Love. "Whoa! Is that..." "Oh my stars!" Gypsy exclaimed. "It... it is!" Tom exclaimed. "It's a giant space SHIH TZU!" Crow exclaimed as he and the others on the bridge saw a particularly cute yet enormous shih tzu with the Satellite of Love in its teeth, gnawing at it playfully. "Awww, it's so CUTE! Look at its wiggle bum! Look at its wiggle bum!" Joel gushed, a blissful look on his face. "Joel, it's treating us like a chew toy and taking us Richard knows where!" Gypsy snapped. "Ooh, I want to smush it into my face! I just wanna eat it up!" Joel exclaimed happily, lost in his own world. "Aw geez, he's gone cuckoo for cute! He'll be useless until we get away from that thing!" Crow sighed as the ship lurched again. "Gypsy, is there any way we can discourage the shih tzu from biting the ship? Like send an electric charge through the hull or something? "Absolutely NOT! I'll call PETA on you!" Joel growled menacingly while glaring daggers at Crow. "Oooo-kay, Joel. Whatever you say." Crow replied, while slowly backing away from Joel, who resumed his fawning of the shih tzu. "Maybe we could launch a probe with a dog whistle sound and lure it away?" Tom suggested. "Great idea... except sound doesn't carry in space!" Gypsy snapped. "Oh yeah. Sorry, I've been watching too many space movies lately." Tom apologized. "Well, what else can we... OH POOPIE!" Crow exclaimed as the satellite abruptly lurched again, much more violently this time, sending everyone hurling to the floor as the lights on the bridge went out. "Everybody stay down! Stay on the floor!" Gypsy shouted as she activated her night vision and rushed over to Joel, who was now unconscious. "Gypsy, I'm scared!" A frightened Tom replied. "Hold me!" Crow whimpered. "I can't! My arms don't work!" Tom wailed. "J-Just try to stay calm... we'll get through this." Gypsy said as she looked over at the viewscreen and was shocked to see that they were now on the surface of the Moon, and the Satellite of Love was in the process of being buried in a shallow hole made by the space shih tzu. "Wow, look at that!" she exclaimed, amazed. "It figures... Gizmonic just HAD to pick a bone shape for the Satellite of Love. Stupid nerdy rocket scientists and their '2001' references..." Crow grumbled. "Well Joel, we finally made it to the moon! Are you happy now? Huh? Uhh, seriously though, is he going to be okay?" Tom asked nervously. "I think so. He just bumped his head." Gypsy said as she did her best to cradle his head with the coils of her body. "Oh good, he's waking up. Joel! Are you okay?" Gypsy exclaimed. "Uhhh... I think so... anyone get the number of that runaway Holstein?" Joel muttered as he rubbed his head and winced. "What happened?" "Oh, nothing much. We've been yanked out of orbit, taken to the moon and buried alive by a giant space shih tzu. You know, just another Tuesday on the Satellite of Love." Tom replied sarcastically. "Not to mention you completely wigged out on us! What IS IT with cute furry animals and humans? One little tail wiggle and you lose your frigging mind!" Crow snapped. "Oh, heh, sorry about that. I tend to melt around puppies." Joel replied, embarrassed. "Meltdown is more like it! Anyway, what the heck are we supposed to do now!?" Crow exclaimed as the red light on the console started flashing. "Oh great, now Cartman and Butters are calling..." "Maybe they can help us out?" Joel sighed as he gave the button a slap. * * * DEEP 13 "Dr. Forrester will see you now..." The voice of TV's Frank announced ominously from off-camera as Dr. Clayton Forrester stood with his back to the viewscreen, his hands in his pockets. "Ah, if it isn't the Beagle Boys... trying to escape from my prison, were you?" Dr. Forrester had a smug grin on his face as he turned to face the viewscreen. "And now through your own ineptitude, you've gotten yourself marooned on the moon..." "That's not true, sirs! We were snatched...!" Joel tried to explain. "Save it, Gregory Peck!" Dr. Forrester snapped. "I know a jail break when I see one! I don't know how you managed to break free of Earth's orbit but as far as I'm concerned, you can just stay trapped on the moon where I can keep an eye on you! Heh heh, first janitor on the moon... Hope it was worth it, Wilco." Dr. Forrester cackled. "No, Joel's right! It wasn't us! It was the space shih tzu!" Tom exclaimed. "Space... shih tzu? Yeah, right! Next thing you'll be telling me Gamera's been visiting your ship along with the Amazing Colossal Man!" Dr. Forrester scoffed. "Well, actually..." Crow began. "Uh-huh. Tell me another one, robots. Now quit stalling and make with the invention exchange!" Dr. Forrester growled. * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "Whatever you say, sirs." Joel sighed as he reached under the counter and pulled out a DVD player. "I came up with this idea for people who are nostalgic for their old VHS recordings of their favourite shows. It's great that we have DVD versions now that let us watch these programs in much clearer detail but sometimes I find myself missing some of the old commercials that were included in our VHS tapes that we were too lazy to fast forward through and over time they somehow became a part of the show to us." "Yeah, like the toy commercials between episodes of G.I. Joe! The infomercials during late night marathons of The Three Stooges! The once state of the art, now woefully dated computer animation clips shown between episodes of Samurai Pizza Cats!" Crow continued. "Not to mention the cheesy sex phone line ads... that I never called... not even once out of sheer morbid curiosity..." Tom added hastily. "But rather than record your old VHS tapes onto a blank DVD and get stuck with a crappy picture for your programs, I invented a DVD player that automatically detects and inserts your choice of commercials, infomercials, etc for the time period of the show being played but you can still watch the program itself in clear DVD quality!" Joel explained. "Yes, now you can once again experience the joy of country music compilation albums, leather repair infomercials and bumpers of B-list celebrities performing cheesy skits between shows... not that there's anything wrong with that whatsoever!" Crow added hastily. "Besides, you NEED those breaks anyway when you watch some of those old shows... there's only so much Itchy and Life Day that one can watch before the blessed used car commercials come to give you a mental break. Before you get a mental break." Joel explained. "No really, I never called those lines... I was trying to order a pizza and I got 1-967 mixed up with 1-976! Honest...Mmph!" Tom protested as Joel abruptly covered his mouth with his hand. "What do you think, sirs?" Joel inquired. * * * DEEP 13 "I think if it ain't Mr. Popeil, it ain't worth recording! But wait, there's more! Wheel it on in, Frank!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed as Frank dollied in what appeared to be an office water dispenser. "This is my personal solution for impromptu water cooler meetings that take place on a company's dime! Frank, if you'll please..." Frank poured himself a cup of water and leaned casually against the dispenser. "So what do you think the deal is with Mark Cuban? He almost never picks any projects to back on Shark Tank, it's almost like he's catatonic or something..." Dr. Forrester shook his head with dismay. "Ah yes. Anyone who's worked in an office should be familar with this load of bullhockey. Not only is he wasting company time by nattering on like that, he's wasting the time of others listening to him, willfully or not! But not for long! You see I've installed a special sensor inside this water cooler and when it detects activity around it beyond the acceptable amount of time it takes to get a drink..!" The water dispenser suddenly hums and bubbles begin to rise up in the dispenser as it rapidly heats to a full raging boil. Frank glances over at the now boiling water dispenser and hurriedly straightens up, tosses back the cup of water and throws it in the trash before rushing off-camera. A few moments later, the water dispenser settles down and returns to a normal temperature. "As you can see, the dispenser makes sure the office cooler talk to kept to an absolute minimum and if they don't get back to work in time, BOOM! The boss won't be the only thing boiling over!" Dr. Forrester chuckled evilly. "I call it 'Mr. H2O'. Good to the last scalding drop. How'd like them apples, Joel?" * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE "I dunno, sirs, that water cooler would be PERFECT for Tea Party-related conversations. Besides, who doesn't appreciate a juicy bit of office gossip now and then? For example, did you hear Tom Servo likes to call phone sex lines?" Joel teased. "IT'S NOT TRUE! NOT TRUE!!" Tom sobbed. "Well, I hear he collects men's underwear." Frank said as he went back to the water dispenser for another drink. "NOT TRU... oh, wait..." Tom would have frowned if he were capable. "Enough of your tomfoolery! It's time for torment, trauma and torture with this week's experiment!" Dr. Forrester snapped from the viewscreen as Frank gave a sheepish grin. "We're reaching back allll the way to 2002 for this one! And just for kicks, it's a Sailor Moon lemon to boot! Featuring an author avatar, his mother, his best friend and an actual Sailor Senshi, oops, I mean, "Scout", yep, this fic is based on the dubbed version. Heh heh heh..." "Still better than the Crystal version." Crow muttered under his breath. "So brace yourself for Fifty Shades of SUCK aptly titled 'A Date with Fate'! And be sure to bring along someone you love... BWAHAHAHA!!! Dr. Forrester exclaimed as he clenched his knuckles together with glee. "Laters, baby." Frank winked as he fed the fanfic into the machine and the viewscreen faded to black. "Well, this is a fine kettle of fish, now isn't it?" Tom muttered. "Stay frosty, Tom. Gypsy, while we're stuck in the theater, assess the damage to the satellite and try to repair the ship. We'll help you out as soon as the experiment is over." "I'll do what I can, Joel. But you know I won't be able to send us back into space... we're landlocked." Gypsy replied sadly. "Just... do what you can, Gypsy, and don't give up hope! We'll get out of this... somehow..." Joel tried to reassure everyone even as multicoloured lights flashed and alarms began to wail. "Ohh, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!" Joel cried out. (Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.) (Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you as you pass through.) (Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.) (Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile before proceeding.) (Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you and touches the door. The door vanishes.) (Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously, looking for moat monsters.) (Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out of its center and pulls you inside.) Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right. >Sailor Moon and all related characters are the property of a bunch of >different companies that I don't know the names of and don't really care >about. Joel: They might make coffee, mine asbestos, or even poach whales. Who knows? Crow: I'd give credit where credit is due but I'm overdrawn something fierce. >If I have offended anyone with that comment, I apologise now. Joel: The beta readers will warn me about this. Right? Tom: Oh crap, it's another Canadian author. Crow: How can you tell? Tom: It's the bacony stench! It's THERE! >Hello again. NefliteX here again. This shall be my fourth story on >my page. Tom: His stories are a paragraph each in length and double spaced. Crow: [giggles] >This time, however, I have added my true self into the story. All you have >to do is look and you will find me. Crow: I'm the second bush on the left in Act 3, scene ii! Sorry, couldn't wait to tell you! >I tell you, I love to write. Hell, it shows. Tom: He was right next to Brian, writing "ROMANES EUNT DOMUS". >Now on with the story, I hope you enjoy it. The title is a throwback from >some of my earlier works. This is the full hentai copy. Sorry, I had to >do it. Crow: Tonight... on Hentai Copy! Maid Cafes Caught on Tape! I'm Barry Nolan, Terry Murphy is on assignment. >This story uses a combo of real life people and the NA SM characters. >Do bear with it, just one of my trademarks. Joel: Serena spends two weeks in the wilderness with Bear Grylls! Crow: Lita tries to pitch her company on Shark Tank, but Mark Cuban's not biting! Tom: Raye gets sent to live with the Winslow family on reruns of "Family Matters"! >I have called this story "A Date With Fate" Crow: Somebody's been reading Archie Comics I see. Joel: Hopefully, it's less awkward than his last lemon "A Journey With Bernie". >-...- = Positioning. Putting in the setting. >"..." = Speach of a character. >*...* = Thoughts of a character. Crow: @ _ @ = Face of a MSTer. Tom: %_% = Four Eyes. Joel: $_$ = Hey, I just won five bucks on the lottery! >-Ian DesLauriers and Jeremy Wimpney are together for the night. Tom: Yet Gus and Shawn are still separated! Man... Joel: Jeremy will gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today. >Ian is at Jeremy's place, seeing as Jeremy is scared of Ian's house.- Crow: So... many... figurines... >While on the net, the two come across a contest. The two read the rules >out loud. Tom: So. Uh... do you know the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt? >Together "Win a week with the person of your choice. Fill out the entry >form, along with your e-mail address, and we will write you if you win." Crow: That's a rather desperate attempt to get a pen pal, wouldn't you say? >We both figure "What the hell. Might be cool," and enter. Figuring we >won't win, we both ask for people that, as far as we know, don't exist. Tom: Kool-Aid Man and Captain Crunch? Joel: Polkaroo and Snuffleupagus? Crow: Tyler Durden and... a Soggie? >Jeremy asks for Spawn, and I ask for Raye Hino. Crow: The whole situation degenerates into incoherent name calling, and on Sunday morning Ian and Jeremy congratulate themselves on another successful sleepover. >I thought it quite funny, until the day of the draw. Tom: The Day of the Draw, starring Clint Eastwood as the Man with No Bullets. >-Jeremy's house, three weeks later.- We are both on the net again, and >check the contest page. Joel: Dangit, Jeremy, this was nothing but a "Something Awful" forum joke! Crow: I wondered why the entrance fee was $10... >Ian "The contest is done. They've wrote the person that won. Lets check >our e-mails." Jeremy checks his first, finding nothing. Crow: [sobs] D-Damn it... I can't even get spam... not even one lousy sexbot! [sniff] Joel: There's only two characters in this fanfic... that must mean that I won! Woo-hoo!! >After hitting the Inbox tab a few times, he was convinced that he had lost. >Ian goes into his mailbox, finding nothing. Crow: Well! That's the end of the fanfic, thanks for your attention! Tom: I really liked the part about the email, it really raised the suspense. Joel: My favourite part was the contest! It raised such a philosophical debate, who would I want as the person to spend a week with! Crow: And unlike many... MANY other fanfics, the ending made complete sense. >Ian "Oh well. While I'm here, I'll read a few of my Maverick Hunter >posts." They spend a half an hour reading posts. Joel: Oh, that's fine, fanfic, surf the net, we'll wait. >Positively fuming from what his friends had put him through, Ian hits the >Inbox tab. Tom: Just for that, I'm writing you OUT of my upcoming Sailor Moon self-insertion fanfic! Crow and Joel: NOoooooooooooo... >A new message was there. It was marked Important. Jeremy "Hey >Genius, it's marked Important. Better open it." Ian "Fine, I will." Crow: And the Nigerian Prince claims another schmuck. >Clicking on the message, he opens it. This is what the letter read. Tom: This is your final warning, if you do not pay your bill by the 17th of this month, we will have no choice but to... BORRRING! Time for porn! >Congratulations Ian DesLauriers of Chilliwack BC, Canada Tom: I *KNEW* it! Joel: Yeah yeah, it's Canadian, wasn't too hard to dope out... >You are the winner of our Win a Week Contest. Although she was hard to >contact, we have found and talked to Raye Hino of Tokyo, Japan. She has >accepted the all expences paid trip to Canada, and will arrive in a weeks >time. Crow: We did mention that she's a sixty-seven year old subway attendant? She's expecting four cartons of cigarettes upon arrival. >Thank you for entering and have a nice day. Tom: [hums the point noise for Leisure Suit Larry 2] Crow: The check's in the mail, hey, you're beautiful! Don't ever change..! >Ian's jaw drops to the ground as Jeremy reads the letter again, out loud this >time. Joel: Then he did it in a quiet whisper. Then once more in Pig Latin. Tom: The contest winner reserves the right to rename your goofy-sounding city. Ms. Hino has suggested "Buttmunch, British Columbia". >Finally regaining his composure, Ian speaks. Ian "I won? I enter a >contest asking for Raye Hino, Shinto priestess and Sailor Scout of the >planet Mars, and I won? That must be a joke." Crow: Imagine how dumb he'll feel when they ship him the love pillow. >Looking at the fine print of the letter, he sees nowhere on it saying that >they are joking. Joel: And this would NEVER be a CFMI-FM Rock 101 Vancouver_Brother Jake Morning Show_ elaborate ruse. No sir. >Ian starts doing a victory dance in the small room, falling on the bed. Tom: Poor dope didn't even get to spike the ball. >Jeremy looks not too happy. Jeremy "Dude, you have a problem." Ian >looks up "How so?" Jeremy pulls Ian up off the bed. Crow: She's imaginary! And she doesn't speak your language, is part of a superhero team that might fall apart and let the world be taken over, she's only here for a week... Tom: Damn. I'll address that in the second draft. >Jeremy "You have to put up with Raye for a week. Raye is the crabby one, >remember?" Ian sits down on the bed. Ian goes into heavy thought. Joel: Ian put on some coffee. Ian spread butter on toast. Ian late for work again. >*He's right, she is the crabby one. Maybe I can change that though.* Tom: I won't ask her for sex until we've gotten to know each other as people! It's so crazy it JUST MIGHT WORK! Joel: And if I can't change her into the woman of my dreams, then she's definitely NOT "all that"! >"Jeremy, I have to leave early tomorrow to clean my house." The >night goes by smoothly. The next day, Ian heads home to clean. Tom: I must add the house-cleaning bit... for the ladies! Rrrowl! Crow: Suddenly we're watching 'Whose the Boss?'. >-End of the week. Ian's home is completely spotless.- Crow: The budget was too low for a montage I guess. Joel: Spot? Boy? W-Where are you!? >Ian's mother has watched during the week, a bewildered look on her face >the whole time. Tom: Is this a commercial? Did someone sit on the remote again? Crow: Probably an advertisement for a Roomba. "Do you want THIS TEENAGER taking four days to clean your house??" >Ian's mom "Are feeling okay? I've never seen you do so much housework >before." Joel: Ya lazy lump. >Ian wipes his brow as he dumps the last dustpan of garbage. Crow: ...in the toilet. Tom: *Flush* There, all gone! *gurgle* Uh-oh... Joel: Tell you what, I'll raise your allowance if you NEVER clean again. >Ian "Finished, and I still have......" The doorbell rings. Ian's head twists >around in shock. Tom: Mariachi band?! You're not supposed to come until tomorrow!! Crow: YOU SAID TODAY, SENOR! WE COME TOMORROW, YOU PAY BESAME MUCHO!! >Ian yelling "No Time! She's Here!! Mom, take the garbage downstairs and >don't argue! I have to get the door." Joel: She? Oh dear, have you hit puberty already? My, where does the time go... >Opening the door, he realizes he still has the dustpan in hand. He quickly >dumps it in the box behind himself. Crow: Ow! Tom: Sorry... hey, you're supposed to be manning the closet with the peephole! Crow: And miss this?? >Now completely focused, he looks over his guest. Crow: *sighs* B108 has the phrase that pays, bringing hot spicy women to warm your cold days. IS THAT ENOUGH?!? Tom: Aww, you didn't sing it. >The person at the door is a spitting image of Raye, only flesh and blood, >not ink and paint. Joel: Hey, you don't look like a picture! *SLAM* >Suitcase in hand, she walks in the door. Raye "I take it you're Ian. I'm >Raye. Tell me why you picked me for that contest." Tom: 'Cause Jeremy doesn't have boobs. Crow: I HEARD THAT! Tom: So you DO have boobs? Crow: Yes! Wait, NO! Shut up! >Ian takes her bags and dumps them on the end of the couch. Joel: All the excitement of checking in at a hotel. Crow: Careful with that, you'd never believe what I had to check through security in this day and age. Tom: Full pelvic exam, eh? Crow: Boy howdy, and here I thought I was used to storing items up my... Joel: TSA... I mean, TMI, Crow! >Offering a seat, the two sit down. Joel: Did you offer her a drink, dear? Tom: I'm getting to it, mother! >Ian "Both me and a friend entered, thinking that we wouldn't win. Even if >we won, we picked people that would be extreamly hard to find." Joel: Waldo? Tom: Carmen Sandiego? Crow: Robert Denby? >Raye "That's understandable, I guess. So what do you have planned for >the week?" Joel: 30 seconds of sex and 604,770 seconds of whimpering, apologies and pleading to try again. >Ian "I thought we'd wing it." Crow: Much like the plot of the story, I see. Tom: Yeah, he'll get to the thighs and breasts in due time. >Getting up off the couch, Ian shows Raye around the house and yard. Tom: This is where my grass grows. Neat, huh? Joel: I see you have a dog as well. Eww. Tom: Yes... a dog... >The rest of the day is spent walking around town, visiting friends, and so >on. Crow: Oh NOW we get a montage... actually, it's more like a slideshow. Tom: You showed me around... *giggle* Chilliwack. Heh heh, "Chilliwack".... HAHAHAHAHA!! >That night, Raye looks at Ian's story section. Crow: And you're telling me that you bought the subscription "for the articles", huh? Joel: Can I come out now? I'm hungry! Tom: Just a few more minutes, mother! >Raye "I'm surprised you didn't ask for Lita. You seen to have a thing for >her." Tom: Ehh, it probably wouldn't live up to what I've already imagined. Crow: How... mature. Joel: Besides, I needed you to fire up the old wood burner for me, this November air is getting chilly. >Ian with a nervous voice "Well why make it too easy? Ready for bed?" Crow: Are you saying my friend Lita is EASY!? Tom: Ah, crap. Restore my game. Ah crap, this is real life, isn't it? >No answer comes from Raye. She is already asleep. Ian in a soft voice >"Good night." Joel: You blew it again, didn't you? Crow: Oh, shut up and make me some Kraft Dinner already. >-Morning of day two. Raye is woken up by the smell of pancakes.- Raye >stumbles down the stairs, finding Ian at the stove. Joel: What's that horrible smell? Tom: Uh, nothing. Want to get McDonalds? >Ian "Good morning. Sleep well?" Ian is definately still half asleep. Raye >takes a seat at the table. Crow: Ian's half asleep and cooking pancakes, this will go well. >Raye "Actually, I was thinking about this situation. Why would a man >enter a contest that provided a week with anyone they wanted, and ask for >someone like me? Sounds a little wierd to me." Tom: Hey, if you're going to complain about our plot, why'd you sign up? Joel: It was either this or another lemon with Usagi. And she SNORES. >Ian serves the pancakes. Ian "That is a good question. I take it you're >accusing me of being from the Negaverse." Crow: Yeah, sure, why not? It'd at least introduce some conflict to this story! >Raye nearly chokes on her pancake apon hearing that. Joel: Then she nearly choked again as Ian's pancakes were beyond horrible. >Raye "{Cough, cough.} How did you know about that? What else do >you know?" Tom: Your bust, waist and hip measurements. The doujinshi were very thorough. Joel: I kinda tuned out of your show once Reeny showed up. Crow: You and me both, buster. >Ian shakes his head as he looks at the time. Leading her to the spare t.v., >he sits Raye down. Tom: Here, this should occupy you until the author gets around to finishing the script. It's Canada's greatest contribution to world culture... Season Two of '24'! Starring Keifer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland!! Joel: Well, if the TV's this small, I won't be able to see him. Tom: Touche. >Ian "This is how I know." Ian takes the remote and flips it to his favorite >channel, just in time for the beginning theme of Sailor Moon. Tom: Boy, TLC just doesn't give a shit what they show anymore, do they? Crow: Hey now, revealing that someone's entire life is a cartoon isn't something you can just casually spring on that person! What if Raye goes into shock or goes mad with the realization or...? >The two eat the pancakes as they watch the show. Crow: [throws up his hands] Oh, why do I even bother? Joel: Come on, get her Negaverse! She's still transforming! Hit her now before she... aw, man. Dusted. >-End of the show. Raye rises to her feet and runs upstairs. Tom: Only to collapse at the top in peals of helpless laughter and hysteria. Crow: Sailor... Moon... Says... BWAHAHAHAHA!!! >Now dressed, Raye takes something out of her pants. Tom: GAHHHHH!? Crow: Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? >Raye "I bet I can guess one of your biggest fantasies. Joel: And Ian wakes up screaming while his mom rushes in to assure him he's still here in good old 1955. >Now that I have gotten to know you somewhat, I can tell you that you have >always wanted to spar with one of us. Am I right?" Tom: Uh, that's not what I meant when I said I wanted to go a few rounds with you... >Ian nods, running upstairs to get dressed. Getting back down stairs, Ian >sits back down. Crow: Thank goodness the author threw that in or I would've assumed Ian fights in the nude. >Thinking about it, Ian comes up with a better idea. Joel: I brought my Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and I'm going to paste you! >Ian "Lets go somewhere with less clutter, like the back field of my >school. Tom: I want to show you my fastball! Crow: Uh-oh, you've made an error. Tom: That's it, I'm throwing myself out of the game. >We will need a ref for this though. I know the perfect person. You >can meet me there." Joel: A... referee? Are we going to have touch fouls now? Crow: Don't worry, I'm completely unbiased and can't be bought off by sex, go ahead, try! I dare you! Please? >Raye leaves for the school as Ian jumps on the phone. Tom: STUPID! TELE! MARKETER! I! DON'T! WANT! DUCT! CLEAN! ING! WHY! WON'T! YOU! JUST! DIE?!? >Ian "Jeremy, do you still have that morphable megabuster prototype?" >Jeremy "Ya, why?" Ian "I have a fight and might just need it this time. Crow: Soooo... Raye coming alive is unbelievable but having access to a MORPHABLE MEGABUSTER PROTOTYPE...!! Joel: So this fanfic is taking place in the year 20XX? Tom: Sigh... dammit Ian, it's a frigging potato gun. >I also need you as a ref for this fight. Meet me on the way to the school." >Ian departs for the school. Tom: Just fall down the first chance you get and lay there till I pin Raye. Oh, and ignore any pulling of the tights. Crow: And when I deny having a object in my pants, just go with it. >-At the school. Raye is waiting there for him.- Joel: Your lunch money. Now. >Ian and Jeremy arrive, Ian fitting something on his hand that >dissappears as it is fit perfectly. Crow: Joy buzzer, she'll never see it coming. >Jeremy sees Raye, his eyes bugging out in surprise. Tom: Don't you have much more important things to do? Like save us from the Negaverse?! Joel: Silly boy, that's just a TV show. You should really just... relax. >Jeremy "That's the person you're fighting? Can I say something >here? You're toast." Crow: Even if you win, her fanboys will skin you alive. >Ian "Jer, shut it. Raye, this is my friend. He watches the show as well, so >you can transform in front of him. Tom: Yep, I watch the show so feel free to expose your panties to me without shame. >Time to get ready." Ian stretches out as Raye pulls out her power stick and >transforms. Tom: Ancient spirits of evil, transform this youthful form to MUMM-RA, THE EVER-LIVING! Crow: Uh-oh. Joel: Yeah, thanks for letting me watch THAT, Ian! >Doing a quick backflip, Ian jumps in, ready for anything. Raye now ready, >the two do an intro to each other. Crow: Fighting evil by moonlight... winning love by daylight... Tom: Hi yam da Mountie! I'm handsome! I'm brave! I'm strong! >Raye "I am Sailor Mars. Now that I am here, I can see just how strong >you are. On behalf of Mars, I will punish you." Joel: That's what I've been waiting all week to hear you say. Use the Wiffle ball bat and jump rope, and hurry, recess is almost over! >Ian claps a few times. Ian "My name is Ian. I am a believed >schitzophranic. Tom: His other voices confirmed it! Crow: Believe it or not, I'm talking to air! >If you battle me, you take on 12 different people and styles. Joel: Oh, so you're the K-Tel Records of karate? Tom: 12 different styles by the original artists! >For today, I'll just go Maverick Hunter Style. You will be going down." Crow: The lemon hasn't started yet, buddy. Joel: Prepare to have your tower buzzed! >Jeremy "Okay, here are the rules. Nothing to the head, nothing below the >belt, anything goes otherwise. Do you both get it?" Crow: Welcome to Body Blow Boxing! Joel: You realize that this takes away my biggest advantage, right? Tom: You mean I can't kick her in the crotch? What a gyp! >Raye and Ian together "Why not just anything goes than? Don't make it >lame for us." Crow: It's no fun without risking potential brain damage and permanent facial and genital injury! Tom: Yeah, what she say! >Jeremy "Okay then, Anything goes. Are you ready?" Both "Yes" Jeremy >steps out. Jeremy "Fight." Joel: It was then Ian remembered his entire moveset was nothing but taunts. > -The fight.- Crow: Mars Fire IGNITE! Tom: AHHHHHHHHHH!!! Joel: Toasty! >Ian, for some reason, just stands there and waves Raye on. Crow: And here I thought Sailor Moon Crystal was the worst thing I'd do this year... >Raye comes in, head first, ready to bodycheck Ian. Ian "Not going to >happen." Joel: I like your enthusiasm, but I prefer to be romanced first. >Ian jumps over Raye, lands behind her and kicks her in the back of the >head. Tom: [starts humming the theme to Nintendo's "Pro Wrestling".] Crow: ...as she's running away, *head-first*, he manages to kick her in the back of the head? Wait, what? >Raye turns, rubbing her neck. Raye "Impressive. Try to get out of this >one." Joel: And with that, Raye pulled out her Glock. >Raye jumps straight up, flips, and comes down. Ian, standing there, waits >for the perfect moment. Crow: I haven't landed yet, how are you even in range? Tom: Are you forgetting who is writing this? Crow: I'm trying but you're not making it easy, pal! >Raye goes to kick Ian in the head, but gets her foot grabbed, twisted >around, and dropped to the ground. Joel: Space is warped and physics are bendable! Crow: Is this REALLY what we want the hokey pokey to be all about? >Ian lets go of her foot, laughing. Ian "I thought you'd be more of a >challenge." Tom: Guess you have to move on to the next raffle, Ian, and hope you win again. >Ian sits on her back and takes her tiara. Crow: Soon followed by the most disturbing transformation sequence ever. >Both standing up now, Ian touches the jewel of the tiara, then throws >it back. Joel: RUBY? I wanted TOPAZ! TO-PAZ!! >Jeremy knowing what just happened, ducks down. Ian turns around >and starts smacking his butt. Crow: Oh good lord, what now? Joel: Uh, that's not how you do Monkey Fist, Ian... >Ian "Hey sweety, want to give me a hot foot? I dare you to. Ha ha haha >ha." Tom: Ha haha ha haaahaaaaaaoOOOOOOTTT! Dammit, you burned me! Crow: You deserved it for that half-assed evil laugh. >Raye, now mad, pulls a marker out. Tom: A...marker? So she wants to write the next paragraph? Crow: If you won't rewrite this travesty, *I* will! >Ian jumps over by Jeremy. Ian "Hey Jeremy, I'd watch what you're doing." Joel: Stop jawing at me and get to beating up the underaged Japanese schoolgirl. Jerk. >Raye says her chant for the marker and jumps at Ian. Tom: Mr. Sketch! Give me SMELL! Joel: I'll Sharpie you! I'll Sharpie you to DEATH! Crow: This fic is stupid. >Jeremy raises his head, just in time for Ian to grab the desending hand of >Raye and plant the marker flat on Jeremy's forehead. Tom: If I draw enough wounds on your head, you'll THINK that I hit you repeatedly and faint. >Ian "Now didn't I warn you?" Crow: Forgive me, Ian, for lacking the foresight to anticipate you bravely putting me in danger to protect yourself! Joel: My forehead is inky... avenge me, dear friend... *gack* >Touching the marker, Ian laughs harder now. He suddenly stops laughing, >turning around with a serious look on his face. Crow: And now for something... completely different. Tom: Yes, PLEASE! >Ian "I hope this works." Ian puts his hands into a hand gun style and starts >chanting. Joel: Oh great and wondrous Charlton Heston, please use your mighty powers of NRA so I can protect myself against the evil marker! >Ian "Mars Fire... Ignite!!" Tom: YOUNG FOOL! DON'T YOU KNOW ONLY THE JAPANESE CAN INVOKE THE POWER OF ROMAN GODS!? >The fire stream flies forth, frying the ground along the way. Raye dodges >out of the way, but still gets her skirt and butt bow roasted. Joel: You roasted my BUTT BOW! Bots: [snickering like middle-school boys.] Joel: It was a lesson she only learned in the end. >Raye "That's not fair! That's my weapon!!" Ian smiles and looks at his >left arm. The hand is pulled in, showing a mechanical aura. Tom: He is "The Commonwealth Cyborg" With his knowledge of bureaucracy and the brawn to back it up, he will reestablish Canadian culture on the entire North American continent! Crow: And if you damage him, a little duct tape and he's good as repaired! >Ian fires once into the air, letting a plasma shot rise into the air. Tom: [snickers] The shot travelled about two inches from the muzzle before it gently floated up into the air like a balloon... Joel: Jeremy, you idiot! You brought me your morphable megaBUBBLE prototype! Oh, laugh it up, Raye! Crow: OK... I will! BWAHAHAHAHA!!! >Ian smiles at Raye. Ian "There isn't any fair and unfair in this world babe. >Deal with it." Crow: As long as you don't shit laserbeams... I might get suspicious then. Tom: Well, now you're just being ridiculous. >Ian, now ready to end it with a plasma shot at full power, lowers his arm to >the ground and fires. Crow: Wake up, Ian... WAKE UP! Mr. Parsons is asking you about Sir John A. MacDonald! Joel: ZZZzzz... Joe Clark's ion destabilizer... Wha!? Huh? >He is launched clear into the sky, Raye blinded by the sun as she tries to >see him. Joel: Whoops, looks like someone broke the springboard. Tom: Toooooooooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh....!! >Raye sees a shadow coming down, but that's all she sees. Crow: I'VE SAVED YOUR LIFE, RAYE HINO. IT NOW BELONGS TO ME. >Ian lands a flying kick to the head, lands, grabs her by the waist from >behind and suplexes her. Tom: [resumes humming the theme to Nintendo's "Pro Wrestling".] Joel: What's next? Ian challenging Great Puma for the VWF title? >While still on the ground, he fires at the ground again, starts spinning on >the way down, and drills her in the stomach. Tom: Apparently, the sex scene will be featuring a comatose Raye. Crow: Fighting as foreplay? Is Ian "Jian Ghomeshi" now? >Jeremy finally comes out of the markers charms, goes over to Raye, and >counts to ten. Jeremy "Winner by KO, Ian DesLauriers." Tom: Yes, I won! And I owe it all to hard work and training! Joel: And about a dozen Game Genie codes. Tom: Quiet, you. Crow: Now it's my turn to beat up Shampoo! You promised! >Ian does a little victory dance, then picks up Raye. Tom: ...before climbing the Empire State Building to swat at airplanes? Joel: No, you're thinking of Fay Wray. This is just plain Raye. >Jeremy "What do we do with her now?" Ian "What else, bring her home." >Jeremy smirks at hearing that. Joel: Don't say it... Bots: "Naah, let's fuck her first." Joel: *sighs* >Jeremy "Really? Does that meen we have to go to Japan?" Ian looks at >Jeremy and starts walking. Crow: Hey dude, you can't walk to Japan! Tom: Remind me to ask Raye for another one of those markers... >-Ian's house. Raye finally comes out of her sleep, her uniform >changed back to her clothes and Ian rubbing one of her hands. Crow: Sorry, I misplaced my Kleenex. You mind? >- Looking at Ian, Raye smiles. Tom: Considering his bionic arm, you'd NEVER guess what body part he outfitted with a nuclear reactor. Crow: The part that's completely sterile? Tom: No, his butt. He got the idea from Howard Stern. Where's your mind?? >Raye "You have more power than I thought. Come the end of the week, I >will have decided on a question that I might ask." Joel: Want to come with me and pick out your new fuku? >Ian smiles back. Ian "I may be small, but I have a lot of power. That's >what people least expect from me. Joel: So you're saying you're corrupt? Tom: Absolutely! >How are you feeling?" Raye feels her head, back, stomach, and legs. >Raye "My head, neck, back and stomach hurt. Joel: It's almost like I was savagely beaten by a vicious brute and... ohhh right. I think my memory just came back. >My arms and legs are fine though." Ian rubs her stomach, making it feel a >little better. Crow: Now pat my head. AT THE SAME TIME!! Tom: Hey, I'm awesome, but not THAT awesome. >Ian "I don't believe in leg shots. I think they are too cheap. Tom: I'm more of a Falcon Punch kinda guy. Crow: Please, he's Hawaiian Punch at best. >How's your stomach feel now?" Raye smiles again. Joel: It feels amazing! Why, your hands are like Pepto Bismol and Tums combined! Tom: Wow, really? Joel: No. >Raye "Better. Do you have skilled hands?" Ian takes his hands away. >Ian "Lets test that theory on your back. Roll over." Crow: Reattaching your spine should be easy, right? Let me just check the instructions... ah crap, they're in Japanese! Little help here? >Raye rolls over onto her stomach, letting Ian at her back. Ian sits down >and starts a very relaxing back massage. Finishing off, Raye gets up, >feeling much better. Tom: Okay now, time to fight again! Joel: He worked the body just so he can work the body again. >Raye starts up the stairs, beckoning for Ian to follow. Ian follows her >upstairs, finding her on the bed. Crow: Mind tucking me in and turning off the light? I have a long day tomorrow. Joel: Sure thing, honey. Have a good sleep. Good night! *click* >Raye "You have very skilled fingers. I want more from them." Ian takes >the hint and walks over to the bed. Crow: I want you to play some Brahms for me while I read this Stephen King novel and... wait, why are you naked? >Stealing a kiss, the two start to pleasure each other. Ian kisses Raye, not >knowing what to think. Tom: Eww, she tastes like paint and her breath smells like ink... >Ian *I never thought this would happen.* He hears in his mind a message >from Raye. *Just let yourself go. I want to see if your as skilled here as >in a fight and at cooking.* Crow: Wait, when Ian was fighting, he defied all the laws of physics. When he was cooking, he cooked... pancakes. Where exactly is the middle ground here? Joel: Waffles! >Ian looks Raye in the eyes. Ian "You want it, you got it. Get ready for the >storm." Joel: [facepalms] Crow: Storm?! When's that hussy coming over?? I thought I was your only victim, now you're... writing self-insert CROSSOVER too? [sobs wildly] >Ian starts planting little kisses on Raye's neck and collar. She tastes of >cherry blossoms. Tom: But she smells of raw fish and sake. Crow: So stop gnawing on my butt. >He undoes the top three buttons on Raye's blouse, releasing her bra clad >breasts. Joel: Dumbfounded, Ian could only watch as Raye's breasts dashed across the bed, dropped onto the floor and disappeared around the corner. Crow: FREEDOM!!! >Kissing over her bra, he hears a moan. Tom: Shut up, Jeremy or I won't let you watch! Joel: Sorry. >Ian looks up. Ian "Sensative, aren't you?" Raye nods, ripping the rest of >the buttons away from her blouse. Crow: Owww, THAT hurts too? Why couldn't we have gone with the sex first? >Ian "I'll fix that later. Right now..." Joel: Well, which is it? Later or right now? Tom: I need these, my pants don't seem to button right anymore. >He starts kissing and licking the fabric covering Raye's nipples. Crow: Here, why don't I take this off and you can make love to it instead? Tom: Oh, silky white bra! Crow: Whew, dodged a bullet there. >He hears a loud moan, making him go wild on her breasts. Joel and Tom: GO WILD! AF-RI-CAN LI-ON SA-FA-RIIII! Crow: And... that's it? You couldn't even wait long enough to get below my belt? This plane trip was a waste... >Raye reaches back, undoing the clasp. The bra falls to the side. Tom: Ahhhhh, that was great. Got a cigarette? >Raye "Is that better?" Ian answers by sucking and nibbling her one nipple. Crow: [giggling] She only has one? Joel: Fine, don't answer me! Jerk! >His hands begin to roam, playing with her belly. Joel: Hey, careful or you'll wake the baby! Crow: Oh, sorry. Wait, what? >Raye starts laughing from the tickling. Ian "Aww, is someone ticklish?" >He moves to her stomach, kissing and sucking all the way down. Crow: No really, Ian's pathetic and clumsy attempts at foreplay were just awful... Tom: HEY! Joel: Soon, Raye had the spots of a hickey cheetah. >He starts blowing on her stomach, Raye laughing hysterically. Crow: Y-You can't be serious! You really think this is turning me on? BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Tom: Look, this is hard enough without you and the narrator criticizing me! Crow: Dude, you want me to show you how it's done? Joel: Could you use a few pointers, dear? Tom: Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!! >Ian looks up, Raye crying from the laughing. Crow: Dammit, this was how I got my blow-up doll ready for the night, how come it's not working on you? >He pulls off his shirt, showing off his chest. Raye "Nice chest." Her >hands run over his chest. Joel: Kali Ma... Kali Ma... Kali Ma Shakti de... Tom: W-what are you doing? Joel: Oh, nothing. >"Got anymore surprises?" She reaches down to his pants, noticing the >lump that had grown there. Crow: She was in for one helluva surprise when she felt a second lump... and then a third. >Raye suddenly pounces at him. Joel: SNEAK ATTACK! DIE!!! Crow: Nice try, Joel, but Ian would probably just phase out of reality for a moment and then air juggle Raye for a fifty hit combo. Tom: Did I mention I'm awesome? I'm awesome. >She sits on top of Ian, rubbing his chest with her hands. She kisses him, >playing with the clasp on her skirt. It falls to the floor when she stands >up. Ian feasts on the sight he has before him. Crow: He wasn't feasting on her already? He'd tasted her from stem to stern. >Raye is just as perfect in looks as anyone could emagine. All: Emagine there's no heaven... Tits easy if you try... >Even with her flaming red panties on, he still has quite a sight. Joel: Yikes, now THAT's what I call protection! >Ian, who is in a playful mood, rolls up and on top of Raye. Tom: He's got the leg hooked and going for the pin! 1... 2... Crow: Get OUT of here Jeremy, the fight's over!! >Ian gets on top of Raye, slaming her shoulders into the bed. Ian >"Pinned ya." Tom: Ah, back to good old fashioned violence. Joel: Better than the sex. Crow: That's what the MPAA says. >Raye smiles. Raye "Just for that..." Raye slides off her panties, releasing >her swolen lips and womanly scent. Joel: Go, swollen lips and womanly scent! Be free! Run wild through the countryside! Tom: Richard help us all if Ian slides off his tighty whiteys... >Ian starts kissing his way down Raye's body, getting low moans all the >way down. Tom: Hey, I ran out of foot, what do I kiss now? Crow: I'd give the obvious answer but you'd take it literally. >Reaching her stomach, he starts to lay little sucking kisses over top of her >naval. Joel: The author misunderstood the meaning of 'Sailor Scout'. Tom: Is Ian part octopus? A sea lamprey perhaps? >Ian lowers down the last little bit, then raises his head. Joel: Got any vinegar on you? It's a Canadian thing. >He sits up, and pulls at the button holding up his pants. When he stands >up, the zipper and pants fall down around his ankles. He looks to his >left hand, then pulls the piece of camoflauged machinary from his hand. > >Ian "Don't want to wear that right now. That has a bad record of firing >at the worst time possible." Crow: Much like his dick... or DC Comics. Tom: AAAAHHHH! You have no hand! What have you been touching me with all this time?! Joel: It has a secret vibrate function... Tom: Then you give me THAT, and you get the hell out of this room for about forty-five minutes. And shut your ears, it's gonna get loud. >Raye looks at the glove style piece of machinary. Raye "Good thing you >took it off. That would have stung if you accidentally fired." Joel: Why are you basically repeating the same thing I said? Crow: Alternate take. Joel: Ah. >Raye smiles, bracing herself. Joel: Give me a moment to set up the springboard... dust my hands with chalk... pay off the Russian judge... okay, ready! >Ian's head lowers back down, laying little kisses around Raye's >theighs. Crow He's doing that as a precaution... Raye's a cartoon character, she could have a tongue and teeth in that vagina... he needs to circle it carefully just to make sure. Tom: This has been Mr. Wizard. Join us next week for a discussion of futanari. >Reaching his goal, he starts licking Raye's folds. She starts to >moan, Ian working the lips and swollen nub. Joel: Is he a vagina ventriloquist? Crow: Well, at least we wouldn't wonder where he puts his hand. >When he starts sucking on her pleasure center, her hips rise to meet his >touch and she starts moaning a lot. Tom: The pleasure center was soon raided by the police resulting in multiple arrests. >Ian's licking becomes more insistant and pleasurable the more she >moans. Raye suddenly starts hollering, all her muscles tensing up. Tom: Yaaaaaaa-hoo-hoo-hoo-hooey! >She slumps back, panting and gasping for air. She looks up, to see Ian >strip away his boxers. The long six inches of the man hang there, at >attention and ready. Joel: What, no transformation sequence? What a gyp! >Ian moves up Raye's body, reaching her head and eager mouth. The two >kiss, both of them in their own little world of bliss. Tom: Oh Raye, I... wait a minute! A-are you playing Candy Crush!? Joel: What? No, no, I'm enjoying this. Really. I've never felt so... YES!!! Level one-hundred, Woot! >Raye feels Ian's manhood poking at her entrance, sending a cold chill up >her spine. Crow: Sorry, I usually keep it in the fridge to keep it fresh. >Raye "Ian, I can't do this." Ian looks at her with a puzzled look on his >face. Tom: But... it's in the script. Who gave you the free will? >Ian in a compassionate voice "What's wrong?" Raye looks at Ian straight >in the eye. Joel: That booger hanging from your nose is super distracting... AAAHHHH, don't eat it you spaz! >Raye "It's my first time." Ian looks at her, understanding showing >in his face. Ian "Hey, it's my first time too. Crow: The understanding in Ian's face was unmarred by any show of guilt. >I can't think of anyone I would more want to loose that part of me too." >Raye "Do you meen that? Joel: Your accent's slipping, Ian. Crow: Ach! She's ontae me! Eh'd better gie tae th' escape pod noo! >What about Lita?" Ian smiles. Ian "Lita was just a character I used in my >stories. You are the one I care for and love." Tom: I'm saving Lita for the sequel. "An Engagement with Enslavement." Coming soon to a fanfic archive near YOU! >Ian kisses Raye, making their tongues dance in each other's mouths. Joel: That's right! Your tongue's a maniac! Maniac! In my mouth! Tom: And she's frenching like she never frenched before! >Raye breaks the kiss, reaching down and placing Ian's shlong at the >entrance to her love tunnel. Joel: And it was only now that Ian found out, the admission fee was $50. Tom: "Shlongs" are an extra $15. Crow: Sixty-five bucks for admission!? What'd you got in there, Disneyland!? >Raye gathers all her strength, holding onto Ian. Raye "I'm ready." Ian >smiles, and kisses Raye. Same time, he eases himself into Raye, so as >not to hurt her. Half way in, Raye shoves her hips into Ian's, ripping >herself inside and getting Ian the rest of the way in. Tom: Okay, NOW I believe it's your first time. Crow: FFFFUUUUU... >A few tears streak Raye's face, and a small screach of pain escapes >Raye's lips. Ian eases the pain by massaging one of her breasts and >sucking the other one. Crow: THAT'S... NOT... HELPING... Tom: Funny, it's doing wonders for me! Hey-o! >Ian starts pushing in and out slowly, awaiting Raye's juices to lubricate >the two of them. Joel: I need some of your saliva for the spigot to activate. Tom: Fine, I'll spit on it from up here. HAWK-PTEW! Crow: And who said that romance is dead? >He starts grinding faster, kissing Raye's neck in rhythm with her >breathing. Joel: Is this the rhythm method I've heard so much about? >The two grind into each other, now sharing the same motion. Crow: Sparks flew from their genitals as they angle grinded each other to a smooth finish. Tom: So metal, it hurts. Joel: [rubbing his temples] That it does. >Raye thrashes underneath Ian, him breathing quite heavy. Crow: You're suffocating me, you IDIOT! Get off me... you... *urk*! >Ian thrusts fast, causing the flood gates to burst, and a rush of cum >fill Raye. Raye's dam bursts after feeling the first jet of hot liquid >spill into her. Tom: How romantic. Rayeagra Falls. >The two kiss and fall asleep in each other's arms. Joel: As heartfelt as a Dave Matthews song. >-Ian's room. The next day. Joel: Pretty gruesome, huh Lenny? Tom: Yeah, once burned, twice die. Crow: *chonk chonk* >- Ian and Raye wake up. Smiling at Ian, Raye steals a kiss from him. Crow: Then she tied him up and stole the rest of his valuables before quickly making her escape. Tom: Baby? You coming back soon? Honey? Lambie-Pie? Joel: Is this where we find out that this is "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels 2"? >Raye "Are you sure you aren't a Negaverse warrior? You drained >my energy like a pro last night." Ian smiles. "I do believe myself to be a >part of Neflite, taken when he died. That might be it." Joel: You know, that part wasn't detachable without some sort of power tools, or at least a sharp knife. Tom: It was a chisel! >Raye's eyes mist up a bit, apon hearing the name Neflite. Raye "He was >a good guy. Too bad he died. He was willing to help us out, thanks to >Molly." Crow: I'm sure Molly would be proud to know a part of her deceased lover came inside me. >Ian gets teary eyed, wiping them away with his hand. Crow: Sob, sob, remorse, remorse. >For some.. reason, his voice changes. Joel: So Ian hadn't hit puberty till right this moment? Yikes... awkward. >Ian "Sailor Mars, Raye. You have not fear for me. I live inside Ian now." >Raye lifts her head. Raye "Neflite? Is it truely you?" Joel and Crow: ... Tom: Because when Nephrite is slumming it, he absolutely chooses the Canadian. >Ian nods his head, taken over by Neflite. Neflite "It is me. Crow: So wait... Ian was taken over by Nephrite NOW... or was he Nephrite BEFORE he slept with Raye... was he ALWAYS Nephrite from the beginning... I am SO confused! Joel: And at the top of the hour, Walter Cronkite! Tom: This evening on Ian, at 7PM Pacific, Emperor Constantine. At 7:30, George Washington Carver. And at 8, funny man Geechy Guy. >If you want to help me, please take me back to Japan so I can have my >revenge on Zoicite." Crow: Barring that, find me a computer so that I can post mean messages on Beryl's webboard. >Raye "I promise that you will return to Japan." Neflite bows his head. >Neflite "Thank you. I must go now." Tom: Now? Screw that, it's the morning after and I'm effin' hungry. Park your bones. Joel: Ian's next personality is coming in. I think it's Piston Honda. Crow: Kamikaze! NHK! NipponICHI!! >Ian "I hate it when he does that to me. I can't control him." Tom: You think that's bad? Wait till Two-Face decides to visit. >Raye hugs Ian and gets dressed. The two go down to breakfast. Joel: Hello, dear! How was your sex? Crow: Pretty good, thanks for your tips, mom! They really came in handy! Joel: You're very welcome, dear. Raye, I hope my son wasn't too rough with you. Would you like some eggs? >The other four days go by fast. The third day was spent roaming town >and playing games. The fourth day was used by visiting friends. Crow: Hey, what about my revenge!? Joel: Oh, put a cork in it! Tom: Believe me, I've tried. >Some of the ones they hadn't visited on the first day were surprised to see >Raye with Ian, let alone holding halds and just acting like lovers. They got >over it. Joel: Seeing him challenge her to a fight and beat her up beforehand though was not so easy to get over. >Day five was used for a pleasure day. Chocolate ice cream, cookies, >spagetti and meat sauce, and the obvious tag team pushups in bed were >just a few of the days activities. Tom: Kinky. Joel: Yes! I knew my persistence would finally pay off! >The sixth day was just spent sleeping. The night before was so >draining, they needed the day of rest. Tom: Once Ian got going on World of Warcraft, it was like 4AM and Raye was snoring... >The last day, the two gathered up all of Raye's things, packed the >suitcases, gathered up the mess of going away presents, and so on. Crow: That wasn't much of a montage. At least play some 80s music or something. Tom: Here's some cab fare, now go away. >That day, while Ian was out, Raye packed some of Ian's best things into >a different suitcase. Joel: Petrol Canada Stanley Cup Champions Glass Mug... box of assorted Timbits... butter tarts... Royal Canadian Air Farce Greatest Hits CD... toque... chicken balls... fifty bucks of Canadian Tire money... autographed photo of Iron Mike Sharpe... six pack of Molson Canadian, actually, make that five... *TSSST* >When Ian returned home, he had a nice surprise. Crow: Raye and Jeremy... baking COOKIES together! Tom: EEEEEK! You... jerkface Jeremy!! >Raye "Ian, I have decided, I want you to come with me back to Tokyo. >Your bag is packed, I have your plane ticket, and your parents have >okayed the departure. Tom: Wait, Dad's here? Joel: Forty years I've been entering contests and my son gets lucky on his first try? I hope your plane explodes, ya little BASTARD! >Please say you will go with me." Raye gives a sweet smile. Ian doesn't >even have to think it over. Crow: Take off, hoser! The next contest I'm winning Daenerys from 'Game of Thrones'. And SHE has a dragon! >He grins and grabs the suitcase. Ian "Lets go get my weapon from Jeremy >first. Then we can leave." Tom: It'll make for a hilarious story when airport security is giving me the cavity search and grilling me about my connections to organized terrorism... >Raye squeals for joy, and the two leave. > >The End Joel: Ahhh... our only friend. Tom: Little did Ian know that Raye's nickname around Japan is "The Black Widow", and she's resorted to depopulating the Canadian wilderness for her new victims... Crow: Quit trying to make the story far more interesting than it really was, Servo! Tom: Hey, somebody has to try! >************************************************************* >** Joel: Geez, who came up with that password? Data? >This was the full version of the story. Tom: Then why do I feel so empty? Crow: The trial version was free, you DID pay $9.95 to legally view this fanfic, right? RIGHT!? Joel: Mind if I wait until Story 1.1? I hope there's a plot upgrade... >I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Crow: Nope! Joel: Well, let's try to be fair, it did add a couple of twists to the usual self-insertion lemon formula... Tom: Oh, you mean having the SI beat up the object of his affections before having sex with them? Yeah, that was a real hoot. Joel: Well... then what about having Nephrite in the same body as Ian? Crow: Meaning Raye had an indirect threesome? Oh yeah, not creepy at all. Joel: Okay, okay, you've both made your point. Tom: Damn straight! Crow: Ramchips? Joel: Later... later. >Anyways, I must go for the moment. The next installment of my Hentai >Library shall be a direct tie in to this one. Crow: It's called 'My Penis in Venus'. Tom: Oh GOD... nooo... nooooo...!! Crow: As long as sequel 3 isn't "A Prick-ery in Mercury", we're good. >Lets just say that one of the main characters finds out they too are royalty. Joel: Wow! Tom: Not you, Jeremy. Joel: Aww. >Any questions? Any comments? Crow: Any answers? Any fruit to declare? >Mail me, I would like to hear what you think. Here is the address. >Bad_bird@hotmail.com All: BAD BIRD?!? Joel: You mean this whole thing was just another plot by the Big Cheese to take over Little Tokyo!? Tom: Somebody call the Pizza Cats Pronto! > See you soon. > NefliteX Tom: I'll have even MORE health and speed the next time you see me! Joel: Next Episode: "Time Speeder". Crow: Yeah, keep writing NefliteX, for world peace... or whatever. (Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.) * * * SATELLITE OF LOVE Over the next few hours, Joel and the bots busily went about fixing the structural damage of the Satellite. Fortunately, the space shih tzu's teeth hadn't been powerful enough to do critical damage to the hull, although none of the crew were eager to put that theory to the test again. Joel took a hanky out of his jumpsuit pocket and wiped his face as he surveyed the bridge. "How's it looking, Gypsy?" "The hull is stable, no sign of leakage." Gypsy replied. "Good. At least there's no danger of losing air or being sucked out of the... SHIP!" Joel cried out as multicoloured lights flashed and alarms began to wail for the third time that day. "Oh shih tzu! It's BACK!" Crow screamed as Tom began to wail and hover around in circles. "Hang on, everyone! It's gonna be another bumpy riiiiiide!" Gypsy exclaimed as Joel quickly dropped to the floor this time, along with his bots as the Satellite was dug up and extracted from the moon's surface with a loud crunch by the space shih tzu. "Geez, where's this mutt gonna bury us now!? Mars!? Hey...!" Crow exclaimed as his hairnet shook loose and flew away from him. "Aww, look at that cute widdle nose..." Joel sighed. "JOEL!!!" The bots screamed at him at once, snapping him out of it. "Sorry, I'm sorry, I can't help... uh-oh..." Joel suddenly paled. "What? Oh... shoot." Tom gulped. "And then there were TWO." Crow muttered as another giant space shih tzu suddenly appeared in front of the one currently carrying them. It growled and then bit one of the ends of the Satellite, trying to pull it away from the other space shih tzu. "NOBODY MAKE A WISH!" Joel exclaimed in a panicked voice as the two space shih tzus struggled over possession of the bone-shaped satellite, shaking the crew up in more ways than one. "N-N-Now I know what a m-m-martini feels l-l-like!" Tom involuntarily stuttered. "Joel, we don't have a choice now! They'll tear the Satellite apart if they keep this up!" Gypsy cried out. "I'm electrifying the hull!" "No! There's another way! Give me a second!" Joel exclaimed as he ducked under the counter and came up up a moment later manning the controls for the Manipulator Arms, a set of gigantic mechanical arms outside the ship. As the arms emerged from the Satellite, the giant space shih tzus stopped struggling for a moment to sniff the new appendages. Suddenly both dogs recoiled and the one tugging on the satellite released it completely while the other dog turned his head and spit the Satellite out of its mouth, sending it hurling towards open space. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DOOOOO???" Tom cried out. "OH, GOOD ONE, JOEL!! NOW WE'RE JUST GONNA DIEEE!!" Crow screamed. "I HAVE CONTROL!!!" Gypsy exclaimed as the satellite began to cease its death spin and slowly but surely return to a stable flight path. Eventually, Joel and the bots felt safe enough to rise from the floor again to a standing position. "Gypsy, where are we?" Joel asked cautiously. "Conveniently enough, we seem to be safely back in Earth's orbit. Right back where we started. Huh, imagine that." Gypsy replied, surprised. "Forget the plot contrivance! How the heck did you make the shihtzus shake us loose?" Tom inquired. "Oh, that was easy. I remembered that I recently asked Gypsy to help me wash the Manipulator Arms and they still smelled of citrus from the scented soap we used. And since dogs HATE the smell of citrus, I gambled they would lose interest in us if they smelled it. Thankfully, I was right." Joel explained. "Well, I'll be doggoned. Sorry, couldn't resist." Crow replied. "That was a helluva stupid pet trick, Joel. Well done! I guess we can knock off for the day! I'll be in the holocabana if you need..." Tom said as he attempted to leave. "Not so fast, Tom! The shih tzus damaged the ship again, we'll need everyone's help to repair it. That means YOU, Servo!" Gypsy interrupted. "Aww, but Gypsyyyy...!" Tom whined. "NO holocabana till your chores are done! Crow, same for you!" Gypsy snapped as she noticed him trying to sneak away. "Yes Ma'am." The bots replied meekly as they followed Gypsy off-camera while Joel noticed the red light flashing on the console. "Be right there, Gypsy! Uh, what do you think, sirs?" * * * DEEP 13 "What the...!? How the Sam HELL did you get off the Moon, much less make it BACK into Earth's orbit!?" Dr. Forrester growled as he loomed menacingly into the viewscreen. "I demand to know how you're doing this! Is this another invention of yours!? Are you planning another escape attempt as we speak!? Plotting against me!? Taking all the credit!? Reveal your secrets, Joel Robinson, or so help me, I'll send you a fanfic SO bad, it'll make your head explode!" "I'm already halfway there." Joel muttered as he rubbed his temples again. "Don't be dense! I want to know how you did it! EVERY detail! Now!" Dr. Forrester snapped. "Well... first we were dragged away from the Earth by a giant space shih tzu..." Joel began. "AGAIN with the space shih tzus...!?" As Dr. Forrester continued to fruitlessly argue with a weary Joel, Frank could be seen in the background leaning against the water cooler, cup in hand. "Yeah, I never knew you could chase off a dog like that... I'll have to try it on my neighbour's garden in Deep 12 with her cats. If it works, she might even give me a cookie!" Frank said as he continued to shoot the breeze to nobody. Then the water cooler began to hum and boil again, forcing Frank to quickly toss back his water like a shot of booze. "Alright, alright, I'm back on the clock! Geez... Mark Cuban wouldn't back this either, Steve." Frank muttered as he walked over to the console and pushed the button. *FWOOSH!* ..AND THE MSTINGS CONTINUE... This MSTing is dedicated to the late Leonard Nimoy. May your memory live long and prosper. RIP. We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome. (megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com) Follow us on Twitter at (@MSTerMegane67) (@ZoogzMST) Read our Blog at http://mstings.blogspot.ca/ Check out our newest Let's Play for the AGS Adventure Game 'Witch Night', now available on Youtube for your viewing pleasure at: - http://youtu.be/KlsZXdAH7G8 Let's Play... Witch Night - http://youtu.be/YpHz4jlBphc - Blooper Reel You can also find my first Let's Play of the AGS Adventure Game 'Paul Quest' and a few other videos at: - https://www.youtube.com/user/MSTerMegane67/videos I've been MSTing for almost eighteen years now and I want to thank each and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have helped me with my MSTs over the years. I treasure every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honour that some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :) I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who's in-depth C&C and riffs for this MSTing are always appreciated and for making the MSTing process so much fun! :) - Zoogz's 'Mystery Science Cinema' series can be found at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTings: - 'Help Wanted' (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2) [Coming Soon] And - '[None Yet Suggestions Welcome in Reviews!]' (Sailor Moon) Other recent MSTings we've done: - 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' (Ranma 1/2) - 'Wife or Kid' w/short 'Lunch Time' (Urusei Yatsura/WWF) (Sailor Moon) - 'The Adventures of Captain Yaten' (Sailor Moon) - 'Finding Your Place' (Rurouni Kenshin) - 'Loki Unties The Wolf' (Utena) - 'The Life I Left Behind' (Multi X-Over) - 'Eye of the Tiger' (Neon Genesis Evangelion / Xenogears) - 'Wild Senshi' Pt. 1-2 (Sailor Moon / Ranma 1/2 / Yu-Gi-Oh Lemon) - 'My Kid's An Alien!' Pt. 1-3 (Urusei Yatsura) ***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed to can be found in the various categories at:*** 'A MSTing for All Seasons' http://www.nabiki.com/mst 'The MSTing Mine' http://www.keithpalmer.ca/msting-mine/ 'Everything What Is Crap!' http://svamcentral.org/ewic/ >"Jeremy knowing what just happened, ducks down. Ian turns around >and starts smacking his butt. Ian "Hey sweety, want to give me a hot >foot? I dare you to. Ha ha haha ha." Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2015 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Keep Circulating the Fanfics...