Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 204, reel 1: "Dragon of the Night" (A Naruto fanfic) MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison and Megane 6.7 == Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property of and (c) 2005 by Best Brains, Inc. Naruto is the property of Masashi Kishimoto, Shueisha, Pierrot, TV Tokyo, and ShoPro Entertainment. "Dragon of the Night" is the property of Kage no Ankoku. I graciously thank Kage no Ankoku for permission and hope that both the original author and you, our readers, enjoy this project. All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their respective owners and creators. Comments are welcomed at zoogz@yahoo.com == ---Satellite of Love Crow T. Robot, a gold robot with large eyes and a beak, stood behind the desk of the SOL. Crow was wearing a black Amish-style hat. In his hands was a saw; on the desk was a rather large miter box. Crow feverishly worked on cutting through a board as Mike entered the bridge of the SOL. Mike only stared for a second. "Uhh... Crow? What are you doing?" "Ahh, neighbor," Crow stopped sawing and offered his other hand for Mike to shake. "I've been plowing with Dudley since marnin' and now we're raisin' a barn on the Whitmores' property. Tonight I shall be charnin' some buttah with my wife and our twenty-seven kids" Confusion showed on Mike's face. "What's going on, Crow? You're not going Mennonite on us, are you?" "Why of course I am, Michael Nelson! We need to be closer to the soil! More earthy!" Mike shook his head. "We're at least twenty miles from the soil... straight up! And why the hell do you need a barn?" Crow whistled. Just then, Tom Servo, a red robot with a gumball globe for a head, entered the bridge area from the right. In his hands was a shepherd's crook. "Move along now, you'll have a home soon..." Twenty Servos, with varying amounts of cotton glued to them, herded through the satellite. They all were bleating loudly. "We can't leave them in the cold, Mike. They were just sheared." "Obviously. What the heck are you going to do with the wool?" Crow hemmed and hawed. "We were thinking of opening an Abercrombie and Fitch." "Amish, of course," Mike implied. "Oh, without question! Uh-oh, Mike... the Forresters need their goat milked." Mike hit the button. "I'm on it." ---Deep Thirteen The viewscreen showed Dr. Forrester, in usual lime-green labcoat and glasses. "Have we invested in the Mel Gibson Starter Australian Kit?" "Well I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art, sirs," Mike replied. "Fine then, Foolio, we will handle the responsibility and honor of going first," Dr. F returned. "Now, Nature always has a way to provide us with what we need... light, warmth, what have you. Now we have found a way to bring a little bit of Nature in to your friendly home. With all the warmth, light, and heat you could ever want. Behold... our Lava Lamp!" Dr. F finished with a flourish, as Frank wheeled in what looked like a kids' science fair experiment volcano with a glass bulb on the top. "But sirs, lava lamps have been around for ages. What's new, except the design?" Joel wondered as he appeared on the bridge. Dr. F looked at Frank. "Switch it on, Henry," he instructed. "Now, this lava lamp has three settings. 'Oozy', 'Rushing', or 'Explosive'." Frank flipped a switch on the side of the volcano, and the bulb on the top started shining. "Get enough pressure in this baby, though, and you can spread the light all through your house! And get the same clouds of ash, soot, and debris! Just watch for Poochie, his widdle paws might get toasty-woasty! And if you're REALLY lucky, when you have troublesome guests, you can reenact the Montserrat eruption..." Just then, the volcano blew the glass top off of the top, and red glowing lava started running down the side. Dr. Forrester reached off- screen for a gas mask as the air in Deep Thirteen rapidly congealed. Dr. F coughed once. "On to you..." Joel smirked and placed a vacuum on the bridge. "I've been watching two robots and their misadventures with herding. As well, I feel the poor Amish need a break from having to worry about shearing sheep with nothing more than a razor blade... yowch! So, for your pleasure and the Amish's delight, I present to you... the medieval Flowbee!" Joel turned the vacuum around to show a crank on the right-hand side. "Mike, if I could have you turn the crank." He then turned offscreen. "Hey! Little Boy Blue! Bring one of those fleeceballs in here!!" Attached to the hose appeared to be a box-like contraption, this time again with a crank. Mike manned the first crank as an extremely cottonish Tom was shooed onto the bridge. Joel proceeded to give the Servo a once-over with the Flowbee, and the finished result looked like an eighth-grader with a pair of kindergarten scissors. "And all you need now is the bow and a touch of Paul Mitchell for flyaways! Your sheep can still stay somewhat warm, the fleece is collected, and you can even make believe you have a toy poodle for Westminster. What do you think, sirs?" "Baaaa," the Servo bleated. Deep Thirteen was a mass of smoke and the floor was glowing. From somewhere in the smoke came Dr. F's voice. "Frank, go get them our newest experiment! You knew it had to happen sometime, Joel, and now's the time! Your latest experiment is from that rather popular series that everyone just can't get enough of..." "The Apprentice?" Mike and Joel inquired. "No. Think 'ninjas'." Dr. F responded. "The Sopranos?" Crow piped up. "Baaa," added Tom. Dr. F scowled. "Ha ha ha. Actually, it's the newest thing for the fankiddies...'Naruto'. The 'fic in question is 'Dragon of the Night'. As Bruce Lee-ish as it sounds, the action is as lame as the characters. Choke on it!" Dr. F demanded, as he started hacking and coughing. The lights and buzzers activated on the SOL and Joel hit the buttons. "We've got FIC SIGN!!" he yelled as the Servos stampeded back across the bridge. (Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate) (Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the bottom) (Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.) (Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually) (Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well) (Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia) (Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you inside) (Mike and Joel entered the theater, with Mike carrying Tom and Crow trailing. Tom, covered head to toe with cotton, was placed in the fourth seat from the right, as Mike took his seat next to him. After that was Joel, and Crow occupied the far right seat.) Mike: Tom? How did you end up being a sheep? Tom: I just wanted the free grass, okay?! >Dragon of the Night >By: Kage no Ankoku > >Rating: PG-13 Tom: Oh, MPAA. Is anything sacred? >Pairings: umm...well...I have a pair of socks... Crow: I like to play nunchucks with them! Hiiiiiiii-yah! Eww... crusty. >Summary: For a month, Cell 7 has been waiting for its third member. Mike: They tried Shemp, they tried Joe, they even tried Curly Joe... >When she finally arrives, they find that she's not what they expected. >What if she had a secret? All: A witch! Burn her! >What if she had a past so horrifying that it made Naruto's and >Sasuke's look like a dream with cute little bunny rabbits and >marshmallow clouds and fairy dust? Tom: She was a backup singer for Prince? >Will Kakashi be able to handle a now complete team? Will destruction >open its sleeping eyes? Crow: Just five more minutes, Mom.... ZZZZzzz..... >Most importantly, is Konoha ready for what's ahead? Joel: Severe tire damage? >Disclaimer: reads from cue card I do not own Naruto, Masashi >Kishimoto does. rips cue card up and says with a devilish grin But I >do own Hiketsu Ryuu. Mike: And the author tosses the cue card bits into the New York skyline to a Paul Shaffer band hit. >Author Note: I got rid of Sakura. Sorry Sakura fans, but no go in >this fic. Joel: She knew too much... ><....................................................................> Tom: Checkpoint! >Dragon of the Night > >kage no ankoku Crow: After losing Jackie, Puff resorted to turning tricks to earn a living. Joel: You ARE a magic dragon, aren't you Puff? >Unbeknownst to the human world, when the demon Shukuka and the >demon Kyuubi were sealed, they were actually fulfilling a prophecy. A >prophecy passed down from generation to generation in the demon >realm. The prophecy reads: Tom: What the world needs now... is love... sweet love.... >Two sealed before they are one. One on a full moon. Two, sand and >fire. Mike: Three cups of walnuts and half a tablespoon of vanilla. >In time one shall seek both. Though none will believe, this one shall >be the key. Born with powers the demons have not, this one shall set >them free. Crow: I am the Key Master. Tom: I am the Gate Keeper. Mike: I'm horny. >Leader of many, though this one may not last. A half-demon, cursed >yet blessed. Strength be with thee, oh demon-kind. Joel: May thy terms in Congress yet be renewed. >-demon prophecy Crow: Do unto Angels... then run. ><....................................................................> Joel: 9... 10... FIRE! >Chapter One: > >As Kakashi was walking through the streets of Konoha, on his way to >the bridge to meet his team, he noticed something out of the corner of >his eye. Mike: Pause. Becel. Because only margarine is worth grinding your life to a halt for. >It was a blur, but he could tell it was a human. Tom: A photo finish was called for. Crow: Amazingly enough, Feetlebaum still lost. >He knew that at the speed it was moving it had to be at least Jônin >level, if not higher. He chased after it, and wouldn't have caught up >to it had it not stopped abruptly in the middle of a clearing. Mike: Kakashi was afraid, he may be seeing muppets of all shapes and sizes and a profoundly fruity David Bowie next. >At first he didn't understand, but when he felt a body behind him hold >a kunai to his neck, he understood. Joel: All right, free shave! >"Who are you and why are you following me?" questioned the figure >behind him. The voice, though rough and fierce, was definitely female. Crow: I never knew Roseanne could move so fast. >"Hatake Kakashi. Jônin leaf ninja from Konoha Village," he replied >calmly. He turned slowly around as he felt the kunai be pulled away >from his neck. Crow: Spam information harvesting gets more intrusive. >What he saw gave him the surprise of a lifetime. Mike: WHOA! Uh, I mean... uh... that's a lovely scab... FACE, FACE! Lovely face, you have there, sir... MA'AM! >Standing in front of him, cautiously placing the kunai back in >its holder, yet keeping unblinking eye contact with him, was a girl. Tom: You must be our contact, Benchpress! >Not even 13 years old by the look of her. She had silvery-blue hair >that was pulled back in a ponytail and fell about shoulder length. She >was wearing a black t-shirt with water and fire twisting and forming >together on it. Joel: Sears, $1.98. >She also had a black cape (sort of like Itachi's but without the >clouds) with fire licking the bottom and water splashing the top. Tom: So would it be washed with colors or whites? Joel: I'm guessing ashes. >She also had black shorts and black sandals. Crow: So emo it hurts. >"Hatake Kakashi? Whew. I'm glad I found you." Tom: Consider yourself subpoenaed. ><....................................................................> Mike: The author's trying to defrag the fanfic. >"Where is he? He's later than usual!" Naruto screamed at the top of >his lungs. Mike: Naruto, in the new one-man adaption of "Waiting for Godot"... >"Hn," was all he got for a reply. > >Sasuke was leaning against a tree, hands behind his head and eyes >closed. Joel: Master Kunou, what's Vietnam? >You could tell he was I deep thought from the fact that he didn't call >Naruto a baka at all. Naruto, on the other hand, was facing the water >with his legs dangling off the side of the bridge. Suddenly there was >a loud POOF sound, and then... Tom: Damn these foreign inkers! I told 'em I go 'bamf'! >"Sorry I'm late. I was on my way here when something in the woods >caught my eye. I had to check it out so..." Crow: How was I supposed to know Christopher Robin would sic his "bouncer" on me!? Mike: Th-these are m-m-my w-woods! You'd b-b-b-best step b-b-b-back! >"LIAR!" Naruto yelled out. > >"You baka, I don't think he was lying. Look," Sasuke said, motioning >towards Kakashi. Standing behind Kakashi, sort of hidden in his >shadow, was a girl about their age. Joel: She must've turned off the flaming cape. >"Team, I'd like you to meet our third member, Hiketsu Ryuu." Crow: Aowww... but I wahnted t' be th' drummah... >They stood there measuring each other up for a minute, then Naruto >blurted out, "Hi. I'm Uzumaki Naruto, future Hokage of Konoha >Village." > >"Okay guys," Kakashi said, "how about we introduce ourselves? Naruto, >why don't you start?" Tom: Hello then, I'm still Naruto, nothing's changed in the last three seconds. >"Sure. My name's Uzumaki Naruto. I like ramen, I hate the three >minutes you have to wait while the water boils, and my dream is to one >day be the next Hokage. Then everyone will have to respect me at >last." Crow: Even the water, it'll just HAVE to boil faster if I'm Hokage! Right? RIGHT?!? >"Next." > >"Uchiha Sasuke. I don't like anything, hate everything, no dreams, >just determination. I also have to revenge my clan and kill my >brother." Mike: That amicable optimistic little bastard. >"And finally," > >"Hiketsu Ryuu. All you need to know is not to underestimate me." Mike: That way she'll have the surprise advantage when she screws up. >'Hmm, I know a lot about the other two, but nothing about her. All I >really know is her name. This should be interesting.' Kakashi thought. Joel: Find a twelve-year-old girl in the forest, take her at face value. It's good to know the bushido system is so trusting! >'Don't underestimate her? We'll see whose underestimated.' decided >Sasuke. > >'I think I'll have pork ramen today.' was all that was on Naruto's >mind. Crow: I underestimate YOU, Naruto! >"Okay, Cell 7, training will begin tomorrow. Everything you need to >know is on these scrolls. Get a good sleep and don't eat breakfast. >See you!" and with another loud POOF, he disappeared. Mike: It's like having a half-teacher half-fortune cookie. ><....................................................................> > ><><>next day<><> Tom: Porky just couldn't let it go. >"Okay team, here's the deal," Kakashi told them as he placed a timer >on a crate. "You're going to try to get these two bells from me before >this timer goes off. You have exactly two hours. Ready? Begin." Mike: Where's Kenny Blankenship when you need him? >On command Sasuke and Naruto disappeared from view, leaving Ryuu >wide open. Joel: It wasn't a command, someone was opening a bag of Beggin' Strips offscreen. >"Come on! You guys have got to be the stupidest people I know! Don't >you get it yet? Tom: It's not all about fighting, people! Just ask me nicely for them!! Geez! >silence. "Oh you guys are pathetic!" and with that she humped and then >sat down Indian-style on the ground. Joel: We do not teach passive resistance here, Ryuu. Crow: You must have confused that with my militant indifference. >Naruto attacked first, using mainly taijutsu, only to end up swinging >by his ankles from a rope attached to a tree branch. Mike: Good grief. >As Kakashi was lecturing him, Sasuke found an opening and attacked as >well. This battle lasted a little longer, with Sasuke actually >touching the bells, and ended with Sasuke's head sticking out of the >ground. Mike: Sadly, his torso was about twelve feet to the left. >At this point, Ryuu decided to step in. >"So you beat these dopes, but you still have to beat me." Joel: We need Jimmy Carter to mediate this mess... >Ryuu stood her ground as Kakashi pulled out Come Come Paradise. Crow: Your filthy porn has no effect on... wow, are those real? >He opened it up and then said in a bored sort of voice, "Whenever >you're ready." >Before he could even finish the first page the book was snatched out >of his hand. Tom: Kakashi's potty break is going to be rather uninteresting now. >"What the...?" 'I didn't even see her move! She may not show it, but >she's good. Now, why did she take my book?' Joel: Late fees? Tom: Morbid curiosity? Mike: Toilet paper? Crow: It belongs in a museum!! >"You know, it's rude to read when someone's about to beat the crap >out of you. You should at least try to pretend you care. Mike: It's also rude to take things that don't belong to you. >I don't think you'll be needing this..." she closed the book and held >it with her left hand "...so I'll just..." she laid the book flat in >her left hand and put her right hand flat on top of it Joel: Do you need a drumroll or something? >"...dispose..." she stared directly at the book, concentrating very >hard on it "...of..." suddenly water engulfed both of her hands and >Kakashi's book "...it." She pulled her hands apart slowly, and as she >did the water began tightening its hold on his book. Crow: Too late, it already has a bunch of wet spots on it. >As she placed her hands by her side, the water came together and >crushed the book into millions of tiny pieces. Tom: DEEP SUBMERGE!! Joel: This book is clean. >(A/N: imagine Gaara's sand coffin attack, except its water and not > sand) Crow: Imagine Crow's apathy, except it's boredom and not interest. >"Oops, look at the mess I made. Well, at least you won't have that >dirty book to distract you anymore. Now, shall we begin?" >"...... >speechless< ......" Crow: You took away his script, Ryuu! He's helpless now! >Ryuu and Kakashi both got into fighting stances. The battle began with >some 'inspirational' words from Ryuu. Joel: You seem a decent fellow. I'd hate to kill you. Mike: You seem a decent gal. I'd hate to die. >"Remember what I said when we first introduced ourselves? Don't >underestimate me." >The battle ( A/N: I know I don't really elaborate on the battle parts, >it's just 'cause I'm new to this and it's easier just to sum it up for >you. Mike: Hey, no complaints here. Crow: We've skipped whole sections before, like when we burned through 'Titanic' in fifteen minutes! >gomen if you don't like it, but I promise to give the full details on >the major battles. For now, I'm gonna leave out the little ones.) >lasted a little over five minutes, in which Kakashi had her beat, only >to find out that she was a bunshin. Tom: Ryuu, proud sponsor of Mr. Sub. >This bunshin was different from normal ones, because as long as there >was an adequate chakra amount, the bunshin could survive for days. By >the time Kakashi realized what he had been fighting, Ryuu was no where >to be seen. Joel: Kakashi probably got confused over the narrative too. >As he checked, he also noticed that both bells were missing. Suddenly >Ryuu, satisfied with her tricks, jumped down from the branch she had >been sitting on and turned to face him. She held the bells up and >jingled them a bit to prove they were real. Mike: Is this what you pathetic mortals call "recess"? How quaint. >"How did you?" > >"Beginners luck?" Tom: I shudder to compute her Kobayashi Maru time... >"Well, anyway, thanks to Ryuu you all pass. That's all for today team >7. Your duties will commence tomorrow! Mike: In which they will learn how to wax on and wax off. Joel: He's more Timothy Van Patten than "ninja master", really... ><....................................................................> Crow: This fic was definately spotty in places. ><><>next time<><> Mike: Next time?! There wasn't even a THIS TIME!! >"Target sighted." > >"How far away?" > >"Five meters and closing." >"I'm in position." >"Me too." > >"Okay. 1, 2, 3, GO!" > >"HYAAAAHHHH!!!!" Tom: For the last time, the barrel points AWAY from you! >"Gotcha." Joel: So... we've been on Candid Cambot this WHOLE TIME?! Mike: That would explain the lack of sympathetic characters as well as the overpowered SI... I mean, "new character". Crow: There's gotta be a way to fight back... ---Satellite of Love On the bridge of the Satellite, a laugh track blared. Mike and Crow stood on either side of a giant Lucite cube with three large lights inside. Both seemed to be chuckling as the lights on the SOL brightened gradually from dark to light. Mike turned to the screen, still chuckling. "Thank you and welcome back to Practical Jokes and Bloopers! Now, this latest practical joke should have you rolling in the aisles!" "Here is the perpetrator: Ryuu Hiketsu. You've seen her in such seminal classics as 'Popeye', 'The Kentucky Fried Movie', 'Heaven's Gate', and 'Jaws 3'," Mike stated. Crow continued, in his best Ed McMahon gravelly voice. "Here is the victim. Cambot, stillstore please? Name: Kakashi Hatake. Best known for his 'Kibbles and Bits' commercials and his guest spot on 'Mr. Belvedere', he is also the purported and perverted teacher of Cell 7." "And our accomplices; stillstore once more?" Mike inquired. "Naruto Uzumaki and Sasuke Uchiha. Too gutless to actually confront Kakashi, they depend on this B-list star to do their dirty work as they laugh at him." "Now for this practical joke, we've got a developing international espionage crisis for Kakashi," Mike whispered as Cambot turned to show Tom and Joel, at the other end of the bridge. Tom's outfit had glow- in-the-dark red and blue stars pasted all over, while Joel was wearing a regular karate gi. "You're saying that the books I've been reading were in actuality secret coded messages from the Communists to the Screen Actors Guild?" Joel incredulously questioned. "Yes! The contact was initiated by Yakov Smirnoff and you were to pass these messages to Ricardo Montalban. We need you to protect the security of the State." Tom replied. Joel looked incredulous. "And the camera?" "It's there to make sure nothing is left out! Now, for this comic, 'Come Come Paradise'... we need a full synopsis as well as all the dialogue." "If I wasn't such an artist..." Joel mumbled. "Okay, here goes!" Mike's whispered voice broke in briefly as Joel started talking. "Now, we're making it that much more difficult for Kakashi... on the next soundstage over, the new film 'Sister Act', starring Whoopi Goldberg, is being filmed. And to add realism to the film, the sisters from Our Lady of the Butterscotch Enema are present. Additionally, we have arranged for the microphone from Kakashi's camera to broadcast through to the next sound stage! Let's watch..." "And as the lady screams with unholy passion..." Joel continued. Crow, who had donned a suit with an FBI badge sticking out of his pocket, was next to Tom. "In the interests of realism, sir, we need you to do every sound effect as well." "O-kay," Joel replied dubiously. "Aaaahhh-OOOHH! OOOoOOOH! Oh, oh, Randy! My bosom is heaving with raging passion! Oooh OH! YAAAAAA!!" "Please sir, we need all the motions as well," Crow brusquely demanded. Joel started bending over. Suddenly, Gypsy, dressed in a nun's habit, entered from offscreen. "You pervert! You absolute fiend! This is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard! Your almighty soul will burn for eternity for this!" "Oh! Uhh... sister, I'm so sorry! May I introduce you to my friend Ryuu and FBI Agent Vince... uhh, McManmuscle, right?" Joel stammered. "They're having me decode hidden messages from the Communists to the Screen Actors Guild by having me reenact some of my magazines!" "Godless heathens! And you're one of them!!" Gypsy exclaimed. "But sister, it's all a misunderstanding!" "Tell it to God, you immoral baboon!" Gypsy huffed. Tom chuckled. "Actually, Kakashi, look into that camera..." "Okay... now what?" Joel wondered. Tom couldn't hold it in as he laughed and responded, "And say... I'm on Bloopers and Practical Jokes!" "I'm on... Oh, you guys!" Joel exclaimed. "Of all the things to do to me!" As Joel started apologizing heavily to Gypsy, a series of credits started running on Cambot's display, and he also cut back to Mike laughing near the block of Lucite. Canned laughter and applause dominated for a second or three until Mike finally was able to say, "What do you think, sirs?" "I'm glad to be with you, Dr. Forrester... here at the end of all things." Dr. Forrester and Frank were floating on a desk in a lake of lava covering all corners of Deep Thirteen. Steam rose from the lava and the surface bubbled menacingly. "Frank... stop hugging me!" Dr. F bellowed. "Call 911 and push the button!" As Dr. F pushed Frank away, he almost lost his balance over the side but recovered in time. "If ever I was to marry someone..." "FRANK!" Dr. F interrupted. --POOF!-- o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..." All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully appreciated and accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com Hey... I'm back. And yeah, that may or may not be a good thing. Anyway, things have finally calmed down post-college enough for me to start writing again. And editing... this is one of five recent projects to finish this phase and be published. You have been warned. Thanks kindly to Megane 6.7, whose time is always appreciated as well as his wit. And his persistence. His and my works can be found at: http://www.nabiki.com/mst Also thanks kindly to my prereaders Casiopeia, SKJAM!, and Rakhal for their input on this project. Special Thanks: Teachers of America The Authors of the First Amendment American Cancer Society >"You know, it's rude to read when someone's about to beat the crap >out of you. You should at least try to pretend you care. Keep Circulating the Fanfics...