Crow glanced back to see Mike and yelled, "Ahh!! He's wearing skin!
 Get the paint!"  Gypsy's mouth opened to reveal a can of Tru-Coat red
 latex paint, which Crow unsuccessfully tried to pick up and throw.

   "Okay, you three, spill it and spill it now!"

   Crow and Tom looked as guilty as two bots can.  "Well, Mike...
 Servo'll tell you!"

   "Why *thank you*, Crow... anyway Mike, after seeing the treatment
 of poor Skyler in the beginning of this fic, we've decided to start a
 group!  It's called RETS."

   "And what might RETS stand for?" Mike inquired.

   "Robots for the Ethical Treatment of Skyler!" Crow exclaimed.  "We
 felt sorry for the poor guy, and we want to help protect him!"

   "That skin better not be Skyler skin, Mike!" Gypsy admonished.

   "I can assure you it isn't, Gypsy."  Mike answered.

   Tom hovered closer.  "And that's not all, Mike.  We've also decided
 to phase out cannibalism from our diets!  No more eating of potential
 Skylers!"

   "You guys were cannibals?"

   "Well...."

   Suddenly the lights started flashing and the SOL shook.  "Oh,
 later... we have fic sign!" Mike yelled.

 _______________

 (Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
 (Door #6: a Dutch double-door.  You open the top and fall over the
    bottom)
 (Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
 (Door #4: it's a garage door.  You have to open it manually)
 (Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
 (Door #2: It's a wardrobe.  You open the door... but no Narnia)
 (Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps
    you inside)

   (Mike enters the theater with Tom in his hands.  After setting Tom
 down on his left and sitting down, Crow comes in and sits in the far
 right-hand seat)

 Mike: You guys had better fess up about the cannibalism soon...
 Tom:  Oh, you worrywart!  We never even tried to marinate you!

 >  Passing through an arched corridor out of the courtyard, Skyler
 >emerged into what looked like the athletic field.

 Crow (Skyler): "And here's the place I'll never be."

 >The bulk of the class buildings, all built out of white stone in
 >that same psuedo-Greco-Roman style,

 Tom:  Pseudo-Greco-Roman?  Wouldn't that be "the classics in
      plastic"?

 >lay to the south (assuming he was oriented right, while a large
 >running track and a few multi-purpose sports fields stretched out to
 >the north, towards what looked like the school walls and a very
 >small forest beyond.

 Mike: Probably known as the "Getting Some Grove".

 >Nearby--close to the edge of the fields--a crowd had gathered around
 >what looked to be a newly-erected boxing ring of some sort.

 Mike: You know that Mike Tyson's sunk low when he can't even get an
      arena.
 Tom:  "Now, watch for that special attack of Tyson's... the 'Van Gogh
      Surprise' has felled more than one pugilist."

 >The crowd's outfits were...interesting.

 Crow: Ahh, better left unsaid my good writers!
 Mike: Unwritten, you mean?

 >They all seemed to be a school uniform of some sort--the Japanese
 >style, no less--but if that were the case, the school colors
 >apparently were teal, teal and teal.  Teal

 Tom:  ...leotards, teal stiletto heels, and a smart tiara out of
      aquamarine!
 Crow: And that's just for the guys!

 >jackets, teal slacks, teal collars for the sailor blouses, teal
 >miniskirts that would make a Sailor Senshi slightly uncomfortable.

 Crow: Hey Mike, are they accepting any other SIs in this story?
 Mike: Well, if you want the Skyler treatment in the beginning, go for
      it Crow...

 >Only the white puffed-sleeve blouses and red tie-kerchiefs on the
 >girls' uniforms broke up the sea of monochrome.

 Tom:  That would mean that the girl's legs, showing through those
      ultra-short teal miniskirts, would be teal also?
 Mike: Don't forget the hair, face, arms, eyes, and hands Tom...
 Crow: Is this still the incredibly puzzling alien scene?

 >  Skyler hurried towards the crowd, craning his neck to see what was
 >going on.  The ring looked empty, so what...?

 Crow: Looks like everyone went to the hospital to see all the
      stitches the doctors needed to patch up the teethmarks.

 >  Oh.  That was it.

 Tom:  Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste like regular Dr. Pepper!
 Crow: Corporate hack.
 Tom:  Hey!

 >Out on the field, there was a rather pretty blonde girl, probably
 >about Skyler's apparent age, running for her life,

 Mike: Trailing behind are three lawyers, a doctor, the schoolmarm,
      and her publicist
 Tom:  "And coming along the backstretch is Britney Spears! Trailing
      closely is her agent, and it looks like her plastic surgeon is
      only a length behind!"

 >a task made rather more difficult by the fact that she was carrying
 >a younger boy--elementary school-aged--under one arm.  And chasing ?
 >them...

 Crow: ...were half-a-dozen record executives.
 Tom:  It's just so wacky!  Someone cue the Benny Hill theme!

 >  By this point, Skyler wasn't really surprised to see a full-grown
 >kangaroo hopping after them.  The green boxing gloves were still a
 >bit puzzling, though.

 Mike: So he's never even watched a Looney Tunes cartoon with
      Sylvester and the kangaroo?

 >  "This is terrible!" he heard a girl with two brown ponytails, a
 >little further ahead in the crowd, exclaim.  "Nanami-sama's going to
 >get killed!  We've got to do something!"

 Crow (girl): "What would MacGyver do?"

 >  [This is bad.]

 Tom:  Yes, folks, from the same person who brought such statements as
      "wow", comes the thought... 'This is bad'!
 Mike: The part of Skyler is now being played by an old Christmas tree
      salvaged from the curb.

 >  Reasonable caution warred with conscience and impulsive chivalry
 >in Skyler's head.

 Tom  (as Caution): "But I don't wanna control anything!  What if
      something happens?"
 Mike (Conscience): "Wow"
 Crow (Chivalry): "So, lemme get this straight... wait up, start at
      the beginning.  What is a woman again?"

 >He knew better than to mess with a full-grown kangaroo--Skyler had a
 >healthy respect for animals, and anything as big and strong as a
 >kangaroo could easily cripple a man.

 Mike: So that does include self-inserts?
 Crow: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if the kangaroo put
      Skyler in its pouch.

 >If he got in its way, the least he could expect to come away with
 >would be extreme bruising.

 Crow: EXTREME BRUISING!
 Mike: To all those extreme athletes... just skip a step, and hit
      vital body parts with a hammer.  It will save time in the long
      run.

 >The trouble was, if he didn't, two other people would probably
 >suffer far worse.

 Tom:  In an anime?  Be serious.
 Mike: Well, Skyler probably doesn't know the rules yet.
 Tom:  You know, I wouldn't be surprised if he was making them up as
      he goes.

 >  And, to tell the truth, there was a small portion of his mind
 >telling him,

 Mike: That he was a total loser and to give up while he had the
      chance?
 Tom:  That his car was out of gas and he'd have to fill it up when he
      returned?
 Crow: That his emotion amplifier had been torn out and someone
      replaced it with processed cheese?

 >[Come on, this is an otakufic!  It must be!  So this is the part
 >where you swoop in, save the girl, and end up the hero!  You can do
 >it!] which wasn't exactly helping his concentration.

 Crow (Skyler): "Dumb stupid mind!  Don't tell me what to do!"

 >For a moment, Skyler felt extremely torn at best.

 Tom:  And ripped to shreds at worst, right?

 >  "Touga-sama!"
 >  A girl's voice brought him out of his reverie.  He turned just in
 >time to see

 Mike: John Goodman modeling edible underwear?
 Crow: Oh come on, Mike!  That was a low blow!
 Mike: Okay... how about Marlon Brando wearing a fig leaf?
 Tom:  Just ignore it Crow and it'll go away.

 >a tall young man with red hair jumping into the ring, over the ropes
 >on the opposite side, and interposing himself in between the girl
 >(Nanami?) and the kangaroo, tossing his white jacket away as he did
 >so.

 Tom:  Ya know, I can almost hear the Tux-boy chords echoing through
      the schoolyard now.
 Crow: If he throws even one rose, I quit!
 Mike: Considering the grounds of this school, they could be Tuxedo
      Kamen's suppliers...

 >  He was pretty tall, though not much taller than Skyler, wearing
 >only boxing trunks, red gloves, and sneakers.  He didn't hesitate
 >for a second

 Tom:  It's too bad the kangaroo flinched...
 Mike: Call the SPCA!  Isn't the Japanese kangaroo an endangered
      species?
 Crow: You know, if they were in the States, this kangaroo would get
      all the land that this school *used* to be on.

 >--while the kangaroo was just starting to register the new obstacle
 >and the girl and young boy were turning to look at the newcomer, he
 >pulled back slightly, then delivered a crashing uppercut to the
 >kangaroo's jaw, hard enough to knock the tooth guard out of its
 >mouth and flying through the air.

 Mike: I think we have a winner for our "Busiest Sentence outside of
      Ernest Hemingway" award
 Crow: Not only that, the "Take a Breath Before Trying This Sentence"
      award too.

 >[A kangaroo with a mouth guard.  Okay, now I've officially seen
 >everything.]

 Crow (The Duke): "Wait'll he gits a load 'a me!"
 Tom:  Hey John Wayne... aren't you supposed to be fighting the
      Japanese?
 Crow (The Duke): "Some polecat uppin Heaven has a mighty bad sense of
      humor, pilgrim... they sent The Duke back as a Jap!"
 Mike: Yes, now you too can be a master of the ironic!

 >The animal wobbled a moment, then fell to the ground.

 Crow (Uncle Jimbo): "It's a Japanese kangaroo!  And it's coming right
      for us!  Get out the Stinger launcher, Ned!"

 >  For a moment there was silence.  Then a great cheer, broken by the
 >sound of a ringing bell signaling the end of a fight, rose up as
 >seemingly everyone began shouting at once.

 Tom:  "Peanuts!  Get your fresh peanuts!"
 Crow (Michael Buffer): "And next on the card... Lennox Lewis and a
      local komodo dragon!"
 Mike: "We have ten odds on the dragon, anyone with a bet..."

 >The crowd surged forward almost as one to surround the young man and
 >those he rescued.

 Tom:  SURGE!
 Crow: "Yes, the Surge phenomenon has reached Japan! Coming soon:
      Russia!"
 Mike: So CNN will be carrying footage of a hyperactive Boris Yeltsin
      soon?
 Tom  (Yeltsin): "Nyetnyetnyetnyetnyetnyet!  My Surge!  Tastes good
      with vodka!"

 >  Skyler clapped too.  One punch, very impressive.  Silly, but
 >impressive.

 Mike: And the guru of goofiness offers his competent opinion.

 >  "Oniisama!"

 Crow: "There's an aardvark here to challenge you next."

 >The blonde girl, having somehow gotten her hands on a microphone for
 >the field's PA system,

 Mike: And it becomes kareoke time.
 Crow (girl): o/~ -- "You are the wings beneath my wind!" -- o/~

 >was the only person Skyler could make out over the roar of the
 >crowd.  She was gazing starry-eyed at the red-headed man--her
 >brother?

 Crow: You know Tom, you were complaining about pre-adolescent
      transvestites earlier... I'm guessing that this would be a bit
      worse though.
 Mike: "Next on Jerry Springer... the whole nation of Japan!"

 >Or was she the type that got off on calling boys she liked "Elder
 >Brother"?--who said something to her in response,

 Tom (Boy): "Okay, get the mud in here... Sis, you're next."

 >looking slightly amusedly smug as he accepted what looked like a
 >championship belt from the younger boy.

 Mike (Older boy): "It's about dang time you came back with that!  My
      pants fell off and I was in my boxers!"

 >The girl then turned to the boy. "Tsuwabuki?" her voice rang out,
 >"Let's go our separate ways."

 Crow: DUMPED!
 Tom:  Everyone see that now?  Girls go for older brothers who molest
      defenseless kangaroos.
 Mike: This has been "Dating Tips by Dr. Tom Westheimer"

 >  Skyler couldn't hear whatever the boy's response was.  But a few
 >moments later, the crowd parted to let the three--Touga, Nanami and
 >Tsuwabuki, if he'd put the names together correctly

 Tom:  Grandpa Bubba?
 Crow: Jody?
 Tom:  Buffy?
 Crow: Mr. French?
 Tom:  Chief?
 Crow: McCLOUD!

 >--through, walking side by side towards the main campus, illuminated
 >by the ruddy light of the sun just starting to set as Touga pulled
 >on his white jacket...

 Crow: "'Ey boss, da script reads "ruddy light"... what kinda filter
      ya want me use 'dere?"
 Mike (Touga the White): "tHe mAStEr WaNTs mE tO GEt... lET's SeE,
      wHo'S tHIs 'oDiE' FeLLa?"
 Tom:  Mike, you do that so well you scare me.

 >  A jacket, Skyler suddenly realized, that bore no small resemblance
 >to the one he was wearing himself.

 Crow (Skyler): "We wore the same thing to school today!  Waaah!"

 >  Touga glanced back over his shoulder towards the crowd, smiling to
 >himself as he looked at someone behind Skyler.

 Tom  (Touga): "Hey, man, who's the loser in front of you?"

 >But for a moment, just for a moment, Skyler could swear their gazes
 >met, and Touga's smile became a fraction of an inch wider...

 Mike (Touga):  "Huh-huh, when I get done with my sister you're next,
      meat."
 Crow (Skyler): "The brochure most certainly did *not* mention this."

 >  Skyler looked around.

 Tom:  Watch it, guys!  Here comes another scene change!
 Mike: Now it will be... two talking dingoes in the Lincoln Memorial.
 Crow: And by some coincidence, one will be named "Girk"

 >  It seemed the show was over (someone had apparently taken the
 >kangaroo back to its pen when he wasn't watching.) Only a few girls,

 Tom:  And I suppose that he didn't know how the kangaroo got there in
      the first place either, would he?
 Crow: Hmm... maybe by *hopping away*?
 Mike: "As this majestic Japanese kangaroo leaves its site of battle,
      the night is spent in hard training.  After all, this one's the
      top contender right now."

 >one of them the one with the twin ponytails, were left, working on
 >some kind of sound system.  One piece looked like a reel-to-reel
 >tape recorder.

 Tom  (Girl #1): "There!  Now all eighteen minutes are erased!"
 Mike (Girl #2): "Mom and Dad still never explained who that 'Nixon'
      guy was..."

 >[Hmm, okay, that tells me a bit about the tech level here,] thought
 >Skyler.

 Crow (Skyler): "Worship the almighty lighter!!"

 >The magazine pictures hadn't been too helpful in that regard.

 Tom:  But they were quite helpful in other regards....
 Mike: Tom!

 >Over to the west, a blue-haired boy, a pink-haired girl (actual day-
 >glo pink!) and a dark-haired girl with brown skin were almost around
 >a corner.

 Mike: Next up on "Candid Camera"...

 >[Could that be...?  Too far now.]

 Crow: "People, people, stay in the shot!  How can I possibly get you
      on tape if you're not even on camera?"

 >He turned back towards the girls in the field, but shyness took
 >over, and he decided to let them be.

 'Bots: "Let it be, let it be..."
 Mike:  Words of wisdom, all right...

 >  [Higashi-kan, then.]

 Tom:  Most private schools don't name their dorms after Thai
      kickboxers...
 Crow: And right next to it, Terry Bogard-kan.

 >He was feeling rather tired for someone who'd been awake less than >an
 hour.

 Mike: So walking and talking tires this guy out.
 Tom:  Poor Skyler just wants to curl up with a good manga and a hot
      mug of cocoa...
 Crow: One of them "International Coffee" moments there...

 >[Of course, I don't know how long I was asleep.]  He wondered what
 >the eating arrangements were.

 Tom:  Well, the local McDonald's probably has a rice ball or two.

 >  [Let's see, back this way, and east...]

 Mike (Ryouga): "WHERE AM I NOW?!"
 Tom:  Wrong show there, guy...

 >  As he walked, Skyler began to think out loud again.

 Crow (Skyler): "What if the next kangaroo has my name on it?"
 Tom  (Skyler): "What's my motivation?"
 Mike (Skyler): "Was this trip *really* necessary?"

 >"Okay, if I'm in an otakufic, and that seems the most logical
 >assumption at this point, things will start happening soon,

 Mike: We were *hoping* things would happen, eventually...
 Crow: Any time now...

 >regardless of how much I try to avoid them.  The trick will be
 >figuring out how to respond.

 Tom:  I'm guessing "Duh" at this point.
 Mike: "We've secretly switched your otaku with Folger's Coffee
      Crystals.  Now let's see who can tell the difference."

 >  "After all, no one drags a guy across dimensions, de-ages and
 >pretties him up,

 Tom:  Ain't he all gussied up fo-ah the big ol' dance!
 Crow: Oh, he'll be a hootenanny all right...

 >teaches him a foreign language and equips him (even if lavender is a
 >ludicrous color) for nothing.  Obviously, I'm meant to save someone,
 >or fall in love, or something of that sort.

 Mike: Instantly, you can see all of the characters of Utena backing
      away from Skyler slowly because of that last line....

 >If only I knew the plot!  If this were Ranma 1/2, I'd know exactly
 >what to do, depending on the point in the series.  Here, I'm pretty
 >much lost."

 Crow: Well, considering his previous life, at least he isn't missing
      anything...

 >  Skyler passed a group of younger girls, smiling and nodding as he
 >went past.  [Love a lady in uniform...]

 Tom:  So is that what the girls think of Skyler?
 Mike: Well, I suppose it's a step up... at least he gets noticed.

 >  Some of them looked at him interestedly and giggled slightly as
 >they passed him, murmuring to each other excitedly.

 Crow (girl): "Look, he's got toilet paper in his shoe!  Heehee!"
 Tom:  The usual reaction when Skyler goes clubbing.

 >He could feel himself just barely starting to blush from the
 >attention.  It was definitely a different reaction than he was used
 >to.

 Mike: Seeing as how he was ignored everywhere he went.
 Tom:  C'mon, Mike, introduce us!
 Mike: Okay, okay, fine... "Dinner Theater SOL" would like to present
      for your viewing pleasure... "Skyler's Debut".
 Crow (Doctor): "Mrs. Sands, it's a boy!"
 Tom  (Mrs. Sands): "What now?  Wait a minute... Why am I in a
      hospital?"
 Crow (Doctor) "Well, Mrs. Sands, you've been pregnant for the last
      nine months, and you delivered a healthy baby boy."
 Tom  (Mrs. Sands): "Oh, I did now?  Prove it."
 Mike: Donations *greatly* appreciated.

 >  As he passed out

 Mike: Skyler's really not taking this whole thing very well, is he?
 Crow: Poor otaku; he's had a full day of bumbling around, hasn't he?

 >of Ohtori Academy through what was not so much a wall as a connected
 >series of arches, Skyler saw the city spreading out below him,

 Tom:  The riots, the scarring burn marks on the buildings, the 3WA
      trying to 'clean up'...

 >and a bright blue ocean beyond.  Once past the small park-like
 >band of forest surrounding the school, the world definitely looked

 Mike: ...flat.

 >modern -- paved roads, the sound of auto traffic drifting up the
 >large hill the academy topped,

 Crow: ...the occasional burst of automatic fire...
 Tom:  ...the sirens coming closer and closer...

 >even an ever-so-faint haze of pollution--not terribly much though.

 Crow: "And in the local news, Ohtori has been the latest added to the
      'Superfund' list, as cleanup officials have given up on
      Tokyo-3."

 >The view reminded him of Monterey, but to the east rather than west.
 >As he descended into the city streets, he found himself for all
 >intents and purposes in a mostly-modern city--a fairly laid-back
 >commercial and residential district, but a good-sized city all the
 >same.

 Mike: Well, normalcy finally rears its ugly head...
 Crow: That's probably why the town invested in this school.
 Tom  (Skyler): "Well, Ho-Hum Town over there is too boring, so I'll
      go pick a fight with another kangaroo..."

 >  "Of course, there are worse worlds to have ended up in, like
 >Gundam," an image of a SD-Skyler being squashed by a mecha foot
 >popped into his mind,

 Tom:  Yay!
 Crow: Woo-hoo!  Let's go!
 Mike: Wait up, guys... nice try.

 >"or Fist of the North Star."  The SD-Skyler now had his head
 >explode.

 Tom:  Yeah!  About time!
 Crow: Deader than dead!  Story's over!
 Mike: Keep on trying, guys... we still have quite a while left.

 >"I don't think people actually die in the duels here..."

 Tom:  But we can dream!

 >[At least not yet,] he amended himself, remembering the mention of
 >"tragedy."

 Crow: It would be a "tragedy" if Skyler survived...

 >  Well, if the map was to scale, he should be seeing East Hall right
 >about...now.

 Mike: Well, Skyler, look on the bright side... it's corrugated, and
      there *was* an Amana refrigerator in it at one time...
 Crow: Still a step up from his apartment.
 Tom:  He's still SD, right?  At least he'd fit easier...
 Mike: Sorry, Tom, I think that part's over...

 >  There it was--a large white house (was that Colonial style, or was
 >that the one with all the pillars?  Skyler couldn't quite remember),

 Tom:  It looks like Robert E. Lee even owned property in Japan...
 Crow: "Xanadu.  Stately home of Charles Foster Kane.  Price, no one
      cares a whit about."

 >set back from the street a little by a nice, large lawn and a few
 >trees.  A low wall and unlatched gate surrounded the property.

 Mike: Unlatched?  Seems they actually *want* him to go in there.
 Crow: Then the trap springs!!

 >  [Interesting lawn decorations,] Skyler thought

 Tom  (Skyler): "I want me a pair of those green plastic flamingoes
      too!"

 >as he passed what looked like a twelve-foot-tall replica of the
 >Washington Monument set in a ring

 Mike: What jewellers won't do for celebrities these days...
 Tom:  Well, it *is* an instant theft preventer.

 >of engraved Zodiac symbols.

 Crow (Skyler): "Cool!  It looks like my old pick-up lines will work
      again!"

 >The setting sun made the obelisk cast a shadow at about half-past
 >Sagittarius.  [Odd design for a sundial, but who am I to judge?]

 Mike: Oh, Guru of Goofiness... we desire an opinion!
 Crow: Well, you know he won't give one until almost twenty after
      Aquarius...

 >  The dorm's foyer was large and elegant--two stories tall, with a
 >balcony running around the perimeter

 Tom:  Goodie!  Railing kills!

 >and an odd light fixture--like a twenty-sided die with long pyramids
 >on each facet, hanging from the ceiling.

 Mike: Woo-hoo!  Get down and get funky!  It's disco time!
 Tom:  o/~ "You can tell by the way I use my walk; I'm a woman's man,
       no time to talk." o/~
 Mike & 'Bots: "Uh, uh, uh, uh, stayin' alive! Stayin' alive!"

 >[Stellated icosohedron,] his brain's useless fact department
 >informed him as it identified the shape.

 Mike & 'Bots: "Y... M... C... A..."
 Crow: "It's fun to stay at the..."
 Mike & 'Bots: "Y... M... C... A-hey..."
 Mike: Whew, fun.

 >  Skyler noticed a window set into one of the interior walls.  [Oh,
 >right, I think I saw one of these in...was it Koko wa Greenwood?

 Crow: Sheesh... a window set into an interior wall?  Go to a police
      station, a hospital... heck, any office building there Skyler...
      you can see lots of windows in interior walls.
 Tom:  Some even in *doors*, too...
 Mike: Come on, guys... turn down the sarcasm sequencers...

 >Maybe. The hall administrator's office ought to be through there.]

 Mike: Famous last words from any horror movie.

 >A peek through the window not only confirmed this, but established
 >that it was almost certainly years since anyone had used it, judging
 >by the dust buildup.  [Okay, guess I'll have to show myself in.]

 Crow: They were saving the termites just for you, Skyler!

 >  It took him a few minutes to find his way to the right room,

 Crow: As opposed to the *left* room?
 Tom:  Poor guy, the authors made him so stupid he doesn't even know
      right and left.
 Mike: Well, it seems they *have* thrown in a bit of Ryouga there...

 >set in a side corridor on the second floor.  His name was printed
 >neatly in katakana on the plate with the room number, along with a
 >blank space underneath--probably for a roommate, if he ended up
 >getting one.

 Crow: "We're waiting on your roommate, Skyler... he didn't get his
      pinky finger cut yet."

 >[Okay, they've definitely gone all out to show they were expecting
 >me. Obviously, *someone* wants me here--not that I didn't already
 >know that, but supporting evidence is always nice.  Well, here goes
 >nothing.]  He slid the key into the lock and opened the door.

 Tom:  KA-BOOM!
 Mike: "We got 'im!  We got 'im!"

 >  A rat cocked its head at him inquisitively from the center of the
 >room.

 Mike (Skyler): "Hey!  I was already roommates with this guy!  I want
      someone different!"

 >  It wasn't a *complete* disaster area, he had to admit.  Why,
 >vacuum, dust a bit, replace the broken panes of glass in the window,
 >get the bunk bed and desk repaired and refinished, sweep up the
 >larger chunks of plaster,

 Tom:  Napkin up all the blood and entrails...
 Crow: Hey!  That's Joel's line.
 Tom:  Do you see him anywhere to *give* it?

 >replaster the ceiling, and board up all the holes around the
 >baseboard and you'd have a room that would still send brave men
 >screaming in terror, but only barely.  Heck, give it a year's work,
 >and it might actually be livable.  Maybe.

 Mike: Sounds like this used to be a frat house.
 Crow: All he really has to do is decorate with a few beer-bottle
      candles and I think he has his old apartment.

 >  "Guess the Ohtori Academy budget didn't run past my front door."

 Mike (Skyler): "But there it is out in the courtyard!  I gotta go get
      it!"
 Crow: "Fast as fast can be, you'll never catch me!  Heeheehee!"

 >Skyler swung the door experimentally, pleased to note it worked
 >properly. He moved to the desk, wiped off the worst of the dust with
 >the side of his hand, and set down his burdens.

 Tom:  "Let me take thy burdens, my son."
 Mike: His "burdens" being an old envelope and a crossbow in a case...
      sheesh.
 Crow: Maybe he carried the kangaroo home?

 >"Wonder if I have any other clothing in transit.  Sure hope so."

 Tom:  I guess that means a box marked "Victoria's Secret" will be
      showing up in a couple days...
 Crow: "I have a package for a 'Skye Sandlers'."
 Mike (Skyler): "No, that's Skyler Sands!"

 >He didn't look forward to having only one set of underwear and
 >socks, not to mention that white got dirty awfully easy.

 Crow: Eww!  I really didn't want to hear that, Skyler.

 >  "Going to have to do some fixing up before I can sleep, but in
 >that case I'm eating first."

 Mike (Skyler): "First I'll put my hair up in the curlers, then I have
      that great face mask I want to try that's avocado and curried
      rice... I'll fix myself up terrifically!"

 >  He stepped out the door and locked it behind him (old habits dying
 >hard.)

 Tom:  He's still dumb as a brick, having cars spray him, and
      wishing he was in *another* manga?

 >  "Now, which way--"

 Mike: "... did he go, George, which way did he go?"

 >  There was the sound of a door closing downstairs.  [Another

 Crow: ...cheap special effect...

 >person!  Maybe they can tell me where the mess hall is.  At a guess,
 >that's where everyone is.]

 Mike: I think they're betting on the Touga/walrus fight outside
      actually...
 Tom:  It actually sounds like this should be named "Mess Hall",
      instead of "East Hall"...

 >  He followed the sounds of movement down the stairs, around a
 >corner, down a short hall

 Tom:  And into the Pit of Despair!!

 >...and in to the kitchen.
 >  It was nice enough, as kitchens go--fairly modern, fairly well-
 >equipped,

 Mike: ...and ready to fry Skyler at a moment's notice.
 Crow (Skyler): "Back, evil stove!  I burn easily!"

 >immaculately clean.  He didn't see a microwave, but there was an
 >oven, a gas stove, a refrigerator, a rice cooker on the counter, and
 >a large sink.

 Crow: "The little bushman didn't know what to make of his
      surroundings..."

 >And a young girl, vaguely familiar-looking, opening one of the
 >cabinets and turning to look back at the doorway.

 Tom  (Girl):  "EEEK!"
 Mike (Skyler): "Ahh, miss?  You can come out of that cabinet now... I
      won't bite, promise!"

 >  She was fairly short--coming up maybe to Skyler's chin--but very
 >pretty, in an exotic sort of way.  Her skin was a fairly dark brown,

 Crow: ...her fangs were gleaming in the eerie half-light reflection
      of the rice cooker...

 >with an odd dot in the middle of her forehead, and her purple
 >(actual dark, glossy *purple*!) hair was bound up into a sort of
 >tight roll

 Tom  (Skyler): "Why is she wearing bread on her head?"

 >framing the back of her head.  She was wearing the school uniform
 >and a pair of wide, round glasses that did nothing to hide her
 >shining,

 Tom:  ...sharp as hell knife that was advancing slowly towards
      Skyler's throat...

 >innocent green eyes. She smiled up at Skyler.  "Oh!  I'm sorry.  I
 >don't believe we've met," she said brightly.

 Mike (Girl): "And by the looks of it, it's for a damn good reason
      too."

 >  [Pretty girl.  Major character.  Don't fuck up.]

 Tom:  Well, if he is a self-insert, he could...
 Mike: Tom!

 >  Aloud, "Um, er..."

 Crow (Skyler): "I'm Bond.  Gold-Bond."

 >Then he remembered Japanese protocol.

 Mike (Skyler): "Here is some fish.  I am not Venezuelan.  Hail to the
      Emperor."

 >He bowed, and said, "Hi!  I'm Skyler Sands, and very pleased to meet
 >you."

 Mike (Girl): "Umm, sure, yeah, that's great.... now get the hell
      out!"
 Crow (Skyler): "Not while I have my super-secret special powers!
      LIKE-ME ATTACK!"
 Tom  (Girl): "Ooh... you're Skyler, right?  Hey baby, what's your
      sign?"
 Mike: That Skyler's one bad...
 'Bots: Shut yo' mouth!
 Mike: I'm just talking about *Skyler*...

 >  The girl bowed back.  "Hajimemashite.  Atashi wa Himemiya Anthy
 >desu.  Douzo yoroshiku onegaiishimasu."  Which was roughly the same
 >thing as he'd said in reverse.

 Tom:  That means, "Prepare to be castrated"... right Mike?
 Mike: Nice try there, little buddy.

 >  [Anshii?  No, Anthy.  Who the heck picked that spelling?]

 Tom:  Ten on Johnson!
 Crow: All my money's riding on the JAM-meister!
 Mike: All bets in!

 >For that matter, why had he?  It was as if the romanization had
 >popped into his head without paying much attention to the actual
 >sound.

 Tom:  So therefore, she probably said "Walter".

 >  "I'm new here in the dorm.  Do we cook our own meals?"

 Crow (Anthy): "As long as you can catch it first."
 Mike (Skyler): "Drat."

 >  "Oh, of course not," she smiled as she took an apron down from a
 >cabinet shelf.

 Crow (Anthy): "There's no way in hell we're letting you anywhere near
      that stove, Skayler.  Fire plus building is *bad*."

 >"It's just that until now it's just been me and Utena-sama here, and
 >I cook for both of us--and Chuchu, of course.  If Utena-sama says
 >it's all right I'm sure you could eat with us too."

 Mike (Anthy): "But don't even *ask* about group showers, you
      pervert."

 >  "Utena-sama?"

 Crow: Yeah, the star of the show and stuff?  Mr. Self-Insert, you
      even said her name already.

 >  "My roommate."
 >  ["Utena-*sama*"?  I'd gathered from the pictures they were pretty
 >cozy, but "-sama"?]

 Tom:  Well, now I see who the group showers are going to!

 >  "Ah."  He watched for a moment as she busied herself with the
 >cooking--starting the rice, taking out a few vegetables,

 Mike: ...plucking the chicken...
 Tom:  ...lopping the head off of the goat...
 Crow (Skyler): "Is this dinner, or a sacrifice?"

 >putting some water out to boil.  "So...it's just the three of you in
 >a dorm this size?"

 Tom  (Anthy): "You can just imagine the property tax alone!"

 >  "Yes.  The Student Council moved us both here.

 Mike: Student Council Moving and Storage.
 Crow: Their motto: "If we can help Gamera save the world... you can
      trust us with your luggage!"

 >Before that, the building hadn't been used for ten years, I
 >believe."

 Crow (Anthy): "Well, except for all those travelling circuses..."
 Tom  (Anthy): "This was the building Quiet Riot always used when they
      played Ohtori Academy..."
 Mike (Skyler): "*That* would explain my room..."

 >  [Exile?]

 Mike: Yeah, I do believe that's why you're here with them Skyler.
 Tom  (Skyler): "Ahh, the life of a pariah... some things never
      change!"

 >  "Really?  Well, that'd explain the state of my room, at least."
 >  "What do you mean?"
 >  "Oh, just that it's sort of falling apart.

 Tom  (Anthy): "Oh, sorry, that's our fault... but you should've seen
      the size of that beer bong last night!"

 >You wouldn't happen to know where I could get any cleaning--"

 Mike (Anthy): "I already told you, pervert... do it yourself!  You
      need a shower anyway!"

 >  Before Skyler could finish, Anthy had rushed past him out of the
 >room, a look of extreme concern on her face.

 Tom:  EXTREME!!.... concern?
 Mike: Doesn't quite work there, does it Tom?

 >She returned a few moments later, now looking quite upset,

 Crow: Uh, oh... did Chuchu make a poo-poo again?
 Tom  (Anthy): "Hey, uh, Scabler?  Can I borrow your shirt for a
      couple of seconds?"

 >and began to cook at double speed.  "I really must apologize, Sands-
 >sempai.

 Mike (Anthy): "I didn't realize the arsenic... err, the asparagus
      needed to boil faster."

 >I was sure I'd cleaned that room. I'll only take a moment to finish
 >dinner and then I'll be sure to fix it."

 Crow (Anthy): "The traps aren't set up correctly yet."

 >  Skyler blinked.  "It's okay, really.  You don't have to--"

 Crow (Skyler): "I can injure myself just fine, thank you!"

 >  "But I do!" she insisted, mixing ingredients into a soup
 >frantically but evenly.

 Tom:  If only Anthy could package or teach that technique... there'd
      be many parents around the globe who'd pay good money for that.

 >  "It wouldn't do for you to stay in a room like that.  In any case,
 >Utena-sama prefers for the house to stay clean,

 Crow (Anthy): "And if I don't, then she'll punish me... hard"
 Tom  (Zoot): "She will give us all a spanking!"
 Crow, Mike (falsetto): "A spanking!  A spanking!"
 Tom  (Zoot): "And next comes the..."
 Mike: Tom!
 Tom:  And just as the riff was getting good...

 >and I don't want to disappoint her."  She turned to Skyler and bowed
 >apologetically.  "I know it's an inconvenience, but could you watch
 >to make sure nothing boils over?

 Mike: I think those were the exact instructions to the nuclear worker
      in Chernobyl on that fateful day...
 Tom  (Homer Simpson): "Eeny, meeny, miney, moe..."

 >I'll be back quickly..."  And with that, she was gone.

 Crow (Anthy): "Better get away from ground zero while the gettin's
      good."

 >  "Uh, sure..."  [Man, she's fast.]  With the experience born of
 >decades of cooking for himself, Skyler

 Crow: *chuckling* Wow, this one's almost too easy...
 Mike: ...promptly burned himself on the stove, ran around the kitchen
      like a chicken with its head cut off, banged his head into the
      cabinet and into the counter on the way down, and passed out in
      a haze of pain...
 Tom  (Skyler): "Owie..."

 >sat down to watch the food not go anywhere.

 Tom  (Skyler): "Chuchu, stay!"

 >"Lessee, from the pictures, Anthy, no, make that Himemiya-san, don't
 >want to be impolite,

 Crow: Compared to barging into dinner, complaining about his room,
      and offering as little help as he possibly can... he *doesn't*
      want to be impolite?

 >is really important to the plotline.  She's Utena's best buddy,
 >maybe closer,

 Crow: Nudge, nudge, knowwhutImean, knowwhutImean?
 Mike: I think we've reached our quota of Monty Python for the
      night...

 >and now I find out they're roommates. And she has some sort of
 >special noncombatant role in the duels, referee, maybe?  Or prize?

 Tom:  Meanwhile the pot's boiling over, the stove's shorting out
      because of the water in the coils below, he's still making poor
      Anthy do everything around the house...

 >  "Bet I'll find out about the duels sooner than I want to.  Oh, and
 >she called me `sempai',

 Crow (Skyler): "Does that mean I have to start spewing bad poetry and
      archaic language every time I meet someone?"
 Tom  (Skyler as Kuno): "I shall smite thee, evil blender!  I am the
      Beige Thunder of Ohtori Academy!"

 >even though she was here first, so she is either in a lower grade,
 >or my height confused her.  She's pretty, but if she's already in a
 >relationship (especially *that* kind of relationship),

 Tom:  You know who they *should* have inserted?
 Crow: Who?
 Tom:  David Duke.

 >it'd be a bad idea to poach.  Better keep my eyes in my head."

 Crow (Skyler): "And I'm not sure I'd like the alternative anyway."
 Mike: Knowing Skyler, he'd probably trip over them the moment they
      hit the floor.

 >  Time passed slowly, and Skyler thought of one other thing he
 >should do.

 Mike: Like what, check the freaking stove?!
 Tom:  Well, it at least confirms Skyler's cooking abilities...
 Crow: If only he could teach Akane how to stay away from stoves like
      that...

 >His head bowed in prayer.

 Tom:  Paving the way for Ma Vie Et Roses II: "Are You There, God?
      It's Me, Skyler."
 Mike (Skyler): "As this stove explodes, oh Lord, please let me go to
      a better place..."
 Crow (God): "Fine.  I've considered, and the next place you're
      worthy for is Bubblegum Crisis.  Welcome to the AD Police."

 >  It felt good to talk to God, and collect his thoughts from a short
 >but confusing day.

 Mike: Of course, thoughts mostly consisting of the word "duh" and
      other various syllables...

 >He threw in a grace for the meal.
 >  "I'm sorry for the delay."

 Crow (Anthy): "And what in HELL happened to this kitchen?"
 Tom  (Skyler, Frank-esque): "Oopsie?"

 >  Skyler opened his eyes to see Himemiya-san standing in the
 >doorway,

 Mike: ...thumbing the safety off and aiming with the scope.

 >looking slightly sweaty and very exhausted, but smiling and serene.

 Crow (Anthy): "You wouldn't believe the kinds of toys you'd find up
      there..."
 Mike: Oh, I'm not even going to bother anymore.

 >"Thank you for watching the food," she said tiredly.  "Dinner should
 >be ready in just a few minutes."

 Tom  (Anthy): "After I cook another batch, you stupid-head."

 >  It was a fine meal, if not entirely familiar to Skyler.

 Mike: ...since it didn't involve peanut butter in equal proportions
      to white bread...

 >The rice was good, and the soup and pork were done well even if he
 >didn't quite know what the dishes were.

 Tom  (Skyler): "What kind of meat is this, anyway?
 Crow (Anthy): "Pork brains, in milk."
 Tom  (Skyler): "Uhh, ick... well, at least the soup's good..."
 Crow (Anthy): "Really?  That's where the rest of the pork brains
      went."
 Tom  (Skyler): "Uhh, where's the nearest Hardees?"

 >The soup was probably some sort of miso he wasn't familiar with, and
 >the pork could have been donburi, although prepared differently from
 >the Japanese restaurants back home--but whatever the case, it was a
 >testament to Himemiya-san's skills as a chef.

 Mike (Skyler): "This is so good, how about I show you my gratitude
      and make you dinner tomorrow?  Where do you keep your TV
      dinners?"
 Crow (Anthy): "Umm, Skorler, I can assure you that I can do it just
      fine, thank you."

 >  The dining room wa also not quite what Skyler would have expected

 Mike: In that case, "wa" Skyler's expectation to be revised?
 Tom:  Wow, an actual spelling error... could someone check that
      thermometer in Hell?

 >from a dorm, but he was getting used to that.  The long, narrow
 >tables were covered in spotless white tablecloths--Anthy's doing, no
 >doubt. She really kept the place clean, he had to admit.

 Crow: And still, Mr. Chivalry over there will let her continue...
 Tom:  Well, considering, do you think Skyler would even know how to
      operate even a broom or a bottle of window cleaner?
 Mike: Besides, being the SI, he shouldn't have to worry about day-to-
      day annoyances like "cleaning" and "making food" anyway...

 >  "So," Skyler asked as Himemiya-san took her seat across the table
 >from him,

 Tom  (Skyler): "When will you be started on my backrub over there?"
 Crow (Anthy): "What in hell are you on?"
 Tom  (Skyler): "Don't make me use the "Like-Me Attack" on you
      again..."

 >"will Utena, er, Utena-san be joining us?"

 Mike (Anthy): "Well, she was already warned about you..."

 >  "A little later," she replied.  "She said she would be studying
 >after school today with Wakaba-san and Miki-san.

 Crow: Ahh, studying, that's it... must be that all-important anatomy
      test there...
 Tom:  Gotta bone up on that human biology, you know...

 >We have a test tomorrow."  She looked out the glass patio doors at
 >the clouds that had come rushing in with the last rays of sun.

 Crow (Anthy): "Well, well, it looks like you have some company there
      Scatler..."
 Tom  (Skyler): "Who, me?  Um, who is it?... ahh!  Ouch!"
 Mike (Cloud Strife): "They paid me some good money for this job...
      whatta piece of cake."

 >"I do hope she doesn't get caught in the rain--I don't believe she
 >remembered her umbrella."  She shook her head.  "But for now, it
 >will be just the three of us."

 Tom:  o/~ "C'mon and knock on our door"
 Crow: o/~ "...knock on our door"
 Tom:  o/~ "We'll be waiting for you"
 Crow: o/~ "...waiting for you..."
 Tom:  o/~ "It's her and him and it... Three's company too." o/~

 >  "Oh, okay.  I was just...three of us?"

 Mike (Anthy): "No, Skoyber, you're just one of us."
 Crow (Skyler): "Oh yeah, I didn't show you that power yet did I?"
 Mike (Anthy): "And I don't think there's a need to either..."

 >  That was when Skyler became distinctly aware of a chewing sound
 >coming from behind his soup bowl.

 Tom  (Skyler): "Hey, that was *my* spoon!"
 Crow (Skyler): "And leggo my bowl!"

 >  It probably wasn't the *oddest* creature he'd seen--

 Mike: Those occur naturally in Skyler's refrigerator.
 Crow: The same refrigerator that can only be cleaned with pokeballs?
 Tom  (Ash Ketchum): "Moldy meatloaf casserole!  I choose you!"

 >not in anime at least.  He vaguely remembered seeing pictures of it
 >in the anime magazines, but realistically that wasn't much
 >preparation for seeing it in the flesh.

 Crow: Seeing *it* is believing *it*
 Tom:  *It* was also mad as hell, and *it* couldn't take *it* anymore
 Mike: What *it* is, after a word from our sponsors

 >It looked as if someone had taken the cutest features of the
 >stereotypical cartoon monkey and cartoon mouse and then

 Tom:  ...threw in a rabid wombat for good measure.

 >exaggerated them all out of proportion.  The ears were huge and
 >round (and one was pierced, he noted),

 Mike: Does this mean the fic's going to get hardcore pretty soon?
 Tom:  Well, it was pretty extreme back there...

 >while the eyes were mere round scribbles.  Spots of red denoted the
 >cheeks,

 Crow: A little too much rouge for little Chuchu there, eh?
 Tom:  "And this blusher goes well with the thick eyeliner and a small
      touch of blue behind the eyes.  And don't forget the clown white
      and the rubber nose."
 Crow: Well, it *is* better than what red usually denotes on a monkey.

 >and its mouth was an odd w-shaped line.  It wore what looked like a
 >tie, or the scarf from a girl's uniform.

 Mike: Does this mean that Chuchu goes on panty raids with Happosai?
 Crow: Quite a cooperative there... Chuchu gets the accessories while
      Happi gets the goods.

 >And it was looking at him while it chewed on several crackers at
 >once.

 Tom  (Chuchu): "If you want your saltines, mister, come and get 'em!"

 >Its gaze met Skyler's.  For a long moment, they simply stared at
 >each other.  Then, the creature spoke.

 Mike (Chuchu): "Hey, Skyler... did you know that room 23 is my
      personal litter box?"
 Crow (Skyler): "*That* explains all the funny-tasting milk balls!"

 >  "Chu."
 >  Skyler raised an eyebrow.

 Crow: And if the next sound from his mouth is 'Pika', I'm outta here.
 Mike (Skyler): "I didn't know that this was a crossover with
      'Pokemon'."
 Tom  (Skyler): "Did you say that Uteny is trapped in the well, boy?"

 >"Weird" did not even begin to describe this...monkey?  Anime pets
 >were often very intelligent, so he'd have to watch his step.

 Crow: Figuratively *and* literally.

 >Especially since he didn't want to antagonize Himemiya-san.
 >  "Well, hello there."

 Crow: This is Chuchu's cue to run in terror, right?
 Mike (Narrator): "And poor Chuchu was never seen or heard from
      since."

 >  The creature backed away a hair.  "Chu..."

 Tom: Sounds more like Chuchu *hacked* away a hair...

 >Was that a hostile "chu", or just a wary one?

 Mike: Well I think the readers only need one guess for that one.

 >  "And what's your name, little fella?"

 Crow (Chuchu): *ahem* "Lord Richard Ambrose Stanley Pembroke III at
      your service"

 >  "Chu.  Chu."
 >  "Chuchu?"

 Tom:  And in the next instant, Skyler is run over by a train.
 Mike (Chuchu): "What a shame... and I even tried to warn him."
 Crow (Anthy): "Don't worry, it's no big loss."

 >  "That's right," Anthy said.
 >  "He's your pet, I take it?"  Well, either hers or Utena's.

 Crow (Anthy): "No, actually he's Thanksgiving dinner."

 >Chuchu moved between the two humans, protectively?

 Mike (Chuchu): "Save me from that idiot!"

 >  Anthy shook her head and smiled.  "He's my friend."
 >  "I'm Skyler Sands.  Pleased to meetcha."

 Crow: And this is where Chuchu starts foaming at the mouth and gives
      Skyler hydrophobia, right?

 >  Chuchu looked at Skyler warily, but extended a paw.  "Chuu..."
 >  Skyler blinked.

 Tom:  Why does blinking have to be a conscious effort with this guy?

 >[Okay...]  He extended a hand and was slightly nonplussed to find
 >Chuchu shaking his finger.

 Crow: Aww, poor Chuchu's lonely.  He's dancing with Skyler.
 Tom:  "Shake shake shake... shake shake shake... shake yo' booty..."

 >[I'm shaking hands with a semi-intelligent pet/friend/monkey-thing,
 >and between the self-insertion and the boxing kangaroo, it's
 >possibly one of the more normal things that's happened today.  This
 >has been quite a day...]

 Mike: And now Skyler passes out, sees two *more* aliens with rabbit-
      ear antennae, and he's thrust into Gunsmith Cats.
 Tom  (Skyler): "Hey, Chicago, I can swing this!"

 >  Time passed.

 Crow: The seas receded.
 Mike: Western civilization fell.
 Tom:  The Rams made it to the Super Bowl... uhh, oops...

 >  Himemiya-san was very quiet.  Skyler decided he'd better try
 >starting the ball.

 Tom:  ... ...rolling, maybe?
 Mike (Skyler): "Damn ball!  Why won't it start?"
 Crow (Anthy): "You flooded it, Slykler."

 >  "I'm told I'll be doing some assistant work with the junior high
 >classes."

 Mike (Skyler): "I think they mentioned 'practice dummy'..."

 >  "Really?  How nice."

 Crow (Anthy): "I'll be sure to bring my brass knuckles, Scaley."

 >  "So, what grade are you in?"

 Tom  (Skyler): "And can you translate 'shougakkou ni nensei desu" for
      me?"

 >  "The same as Utena-sama.  The second year of junior high."
 >  "You're in junior high?  You're a very good cook for someone your
 >age."

 Mike: Is he trying to tell her that she should cook for him until the
      end of days?
 Crow: Probably at least until the end of the fic.

 >  "Thank you."
 >  Another long silence.  Skyler tried again.

 Crow (Skyler): "So, uh, er... would you like to go out to dinner?
      D'oh!  I mean, uh, would you like to make like jackrabbits?"
 Tom  (Anthy): "Sorry, Skylia, but I'd rather do that with Chuchu."

 >  "How many grades are there at the academy?"
 >  "It goes from elementary to university-level."  She applied
 >herself to the rice.

 Mike: Ah, yes, put a little Anthy on top and regular old white rice
      turns into a Party in Your MOUTH!
 Crow: Congo! Congo!

 >Chuchu walked up to her, and got a bit for its trouble.

 Mike: However, if it walks over to Skyler, he'd probably *get* bit
      for its trouble.
 Crow (Skyler): "Hey, it's a pastry on legs!  How can I resist?"
 Tom:  If it's anything like Skyler's chocolate easter rabbits, the
      eyes go first...

 >  "How do you like it here?"
 >  "It's fine."  She seemed distracted.

 Tom  (Anthy's thoughts): "Maybe if I shove my chopsticks in his
      ear... no, too violent.  The nightshade in the rice?  Too
      subtle, it's working anyway...  I need to let him know exactly
      how I feel..."

 >Perhaps Anthy just didn't care for conversation.

 Mike: WITH YOU, SKYLER.
 Tom:  Something tells me she has better conversations with Chuchu.

 >  Rain had started sometime during the meal, and was becoming quite
 >strong, almost a storm.

 Crow: Guess that kinda puts a quash on Touga beating up the rest of
      Wild Kingdom...
 Tom:  Until tomorrow at least...

 >  "Rainy tonight."
 >  "Yes."

 Mike (Skyler's thoughts): "What do I say?  What do I do?"
 Tom  (Skyler): "Wanna get nekkid?"
 Crow (Anthy): "What are you, some kind of creep?"
 Tom  (Skyler): "Not only that, I'm a *self-insert* creep, heh heh
      heh..."

 >  A phone rang in another room.  Himemiya-san excused herself and
 >went to answer it, leaving Skyler alone with Chuchu.

 Tom:  And *another* premise for a buddy film raises its head.
 Mike: In the fine tradition of "Kindergarten Cop", "Turner and
      Hooch", and "Cop and a Half" comes -- 'Monkey Boy'!
 Crow: Raising the question... is Skyler the monkey or the boy?
 Tom:  Well, at least that's already better than "That Darn Cat"...

 >  "Don't suppose you'd care to open up a little?  Like some of the
 >donburi?"

 Crow (Chuchu): "I already had a taste while it was cooking, bub.
      Made sure to leave extra drool, too."
 Tom:  Does anyone know if one would have to give distemper shots to a
      monkey-Chuchu... thingy...?

 >  "Chu.  Ch-chu."  Apparently that was in answer to the first
 >question, as the critter accepted the bit of meat.
 >  Anthy returned.

 Mike (Anthy): "Why in hell are you giving that to him?"
 Crow (Skyler): "Well, it looks like he enjoys it."
 Mike (Anthy): "Pork brains give him constipation!  He's staying in
      your room tonight!"

 >  "Was that Utena-san?"
 >  "Yes."
 >  "And?"

 Tom  (Anthy): "Whaddaya mean 'and', you prying little...!"
 Mike: Skyler knows all, and has to know everything else too...
 Crow: Boy, thrill at the action of the CONVERSATION SCENE!
 Mike: Well, there is stuff going on here...
 Crow: Like what?
 Mike: Well, there's Skyler getting burnt by the stove, being rude to
      Anthy, making demands everywhere, uh... talking up a storm,
      clumsily asking Anthy to do the nasty... and that scene where
      Cloud Strife rushed in and bonked Skyler on the noggin.
 Crow: Those are all *our* additions, Mike...
 Mike: Oh, sorry...

 >  "She did forget her umbrella, but since she was already at Wakaba-
 >san's dormitory, she'll be spending the night there.  I'm sorry
 >you won't get to meet her..."

 Tom  (Skyler): "Was that *all*?"
 Crow (Anthy): "Well, if you must know Mr. I-don't-respect-others'-
      privacy, she thanked me for warning her about you."

 >  "Oh, no problem, really."
 >  ["My Dinner With Anthy" is not going to be a major box-office
 >hit, I can tell,] thought Skyler.

 Crow: Oh, it'll be raking in the dough long after "Titanic"
 Mike: o/~ "And *it* goes on, and on, and on..." o/~

 >  They finished their meal together, though Skyler had to hold back
 >to achieve this,

 Crow (Skyler's thoughts): "At a later date, I will show her the TRUE
      power of Skyler; the power to finish off dinners in a single
      second!"
 Mike: Making him Turkey Volume... man.

 >and he offered to help wash up.  "The least I can do to help."

 Tom:  Well, he has that right...
 Crow: Yup, the least... the very least.

 >  Anthy smiled.  She did that a lot.  It looked good on her. "Domo,
 >domo," she replied cheerfully.  Despite his best efforts, Skyler
 >found himself barely able to keep up with Himemiya-san, and she did
 >the lion's share of the dishes.

 Mike: So, even when Skyler helps, he... doesn't help.
 Tom (Skyler): "Doing dishes from the recliner is fun, Anthy!  Mind
     getting me some ice cream while you're up?"
 Mike: Speaking of getting up... we have to go, guys.  And I have a
      plan to spike that machine of Dr. F's.

 ________

   Two parts down!  Even more great riffs to go, too!  Check out parts
 three and four of the MST of Ma Vie et Roses!

 
  Part Three