Part Three of Three (Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate) (Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the bottom) (Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.) (Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually) (Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well) (Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia) (Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you inside) (Mike, wearing his huge hat, entered the theater carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel who still had cat ears, and Crow sat in the far right seat.) Mike: And he could've provided our beverages... >After what was referred to as "the RolyPoly-Robot incident," Tom: Life seemed a bit grayer, and Robo was never the same. >Serena decided to learn to use the boomerang. Crow: The one she once won in the Surbrosia Dance Hall... Tom : "I saw Crocodile Dundee do this once." Joel : "No no no, it's called a 'chakram'." >Her first few attempts were less than successful, resulting in quite >a few scratches and bruises. When she entered the house, Koban took >one look at her and said, "It's a good thing you haven't tried >learning with one of those edged boomerangs. Crow: Why? If she can't make it come back to her, it's not like she'd get hurt by it... Mike: For that matter, why didn't she just convert her Moon Scepter into a billyclub? Tom: Akira would've stole it from her in that case. Mike: Oh yeah. >You probably would end up cutting off your hand. Or your head." Joel : "Or your left pinky toe. Or your ulna. Or your sternum." >"Thanks for the support," Serena grumbled, and walked into her room. >"Baka," Koban said, then continued practicing his flute playing. Tom: Gratuitous Japanese, from the kat who's all that! Crow : "Man, this John Philip Sousa stuff is almost indecipherable! Ready on the drums back there, Sandra?" >After about a week, Serena decided to find someone to teach her to >throw and catch correctly. Joel: Boy was SHE surprised when she hired Chuck Knoblauch! Tom: And here I was hoping it would be Mikado Sanzenin. >She hired a combat trainer, Alex from Arris for 75 GP a lesson. Mike: He had a sign that said "Will Work for Nothing". Tom: Naw, he just wanted to buy a dress from Stephen Tailor's shop. Crow: It's too bad that Arris died halfway through. Joel: Not Aerith, Arris. Crow: Oh yeah. >"The problem with what you're doing, Serena," Alex said, "is that >you're holding the boomerang too close to the center. Tom : "You have to give it negative axial spin while maintaining a forward momentum of over eighty-five meters per minute." >Hold the end of the boomerang in your hand like so, keep your arm >straight, move the other arm out of the way, and swing your arm like >this. Good! Now, faster. Crow : "Oh, I get it now... the object of this is to dislocate your arm." Mike: I'd yell "GET ON WITH IT" right about now, but I'm getting too lethargic. >That's it! This time, when you reach the middle of your swing, >let it go. Perfect! Watch for it, and grab it out of the air... >Now!" Joel : "Now give it a razzamatazz spin, and a super-dilly whirl... you got it! That's swell! You're keen at doing this!" >When Serena got home, she had only been hit once, Mike: Rei was in a restive mood. Tom : "Ha-ha, no ice cream!" *thwack* >when a RolyPoly distracted her by trying to bite her leg. After five >lessons, Joel: ...the MSTers had better form throwing jujubees and Milk Duds at the screen than Serena ever will. >Serena had gained enough skill to be able to hunt monsters. Crow : "Here, Pikachu... here, Pikachu... SOOOEEE!" Mike: That was after she refused Tira Misu's offer to hunt sorcerers. >After fighting some RolyPolys, she learned how to throw her boomerang >so it would circle around her twice then return. Joel: After losing ten or fifteen boomerangs, at least. Crow : "Eat your heart out, Yuffie!" Tom : "Cool! Now I just need to hone my mastery of the dijereedoo and I shall be the Queen of Australia!" Mike: Or at least a good Outback Steakhouse waitress. >---- Mike: As a stand-in, that line falls rather flat. Tom: If only they were painbreaks instead of linebreaks. >When Serena returned to the house, she was absolutely ecstatic. Tom : "Darien! I finally found you!" Crow : "And I found you!" Tom : "Get away from me, you letch!" Mike: Next week... on... the (sur)Real World. >"I think I've learned a tech!" >"Really?" asked Marle. "What do you call it?" >"Round Return." Joel: 'Cause "Rectangular Return" just didn't fit. Mike : "This means that I'm at... what, level five?" >Serena went to the training room and demonstrated her new tech to >everyone. Crow: The hospitals ran out of beds the day Serena decided to pay back all who had wronged her. Tom : "Who's whining NOW, Rei? Hmm??" >"Big deal," Magus interjected, "you're still weak!" >The others made comments, but their words were lost on her. Tom : "Where, o where have those little words gone?" >---- Tom [singing]: "Line, line, everywhere a line. Blockin' out the scenery, breakin' my mind." Joel: Live and in concert, the Four-Man Electrical Band! >The next day Serena went back into the woods. Mike: After cutting her teeth on the RolyPolys, she feels she's ready for the rodents of unusual size. Tom : "It's a smoocher! And she's on my propertay!" >"I'll show that dirty Magus!" Serena grumbled to herself. "I'll kill >more monsters!" Crow : "I'll be even greater than Bellerophon!" >She came upon a small bush, and heard movement within it. >"Here we go," Serena said, pulling out her boomerang. Tom: And boy was she surprised when Alan Funt and a camera leapt out of that bush! Crow: I'm rooting for a game warden myself. >The bush roared menacingly. Joel: Serena! Never upset the gunner on the grassy knoll! You should know that by now! >Serena turned pale. "Eep!" Tom: And then she turned plaid. Crow : "I gotta get out of here! I know... LUDICROUS SPEED!" >Suddenly, a huge snake slid out of the bush. The huge mouth and >gnashing teeth were the obvious reason why experienced monster hunters >called these creatures "Gnashers." Mike: However, the local plumbing community prefered to call them 'fetchers'. Tom: But after a Gnasher is caught, it is known as a pair of Sketchers. >Serena didn't know this of course, so she freaked out as only she >could. Joel: She turned into a blue-faced streak-haired weirdo? Crow: Don't forget the red tights. >"EEEEEEEK! Giant Snake!" Remembering herself, she pulled her Moon >Scepter out to see if it would work on this creature. Tom: Well, it could turn him into a weresnake. Joel: Serena! Just pretend it's a snake-on-a-stick! >"Moon... Scepter... Elimination!" Crow: And with that, the Moon Scepter was no more. Tom: Well, at least that's truth in advertising... >The Scepter shot out a cloud of pretty gold dust. Tom: Hey, check it out... Serena turned into Marleena! Crow: Woohoo! >The dust quickly proved itself useless. >The Gnasher bit Serena on the leg. Mike: The natural reaction of ANYTHING in the wild to Serena. Tom: Well, if there's enough dust in the air, it could work like Mercury's Shabon Spray. Joel: At least it'd get all the allergics mad. >"Leggo my leg!" Serena shouted. Crow : "Have this Eggo instead!" >"It too yummy!" the Gnasher growled. Mike: Aww, man... he's supposed to be *eating* Serena's leg, now how can it talk? Tom: Much less the fact that it's a monster. Crow: And it talks like Ayla... likes tasting Serena's leg... anyone else drawing a conclusion? >Serena's leg started gushing blood out of the large bite wound. >Serena decided to try again. Joel: Because if she concentrates hard enough, she can get Nu Juice to gush out of her wound. Tom : "Mmm, fruity!" >"Moon... Scepter... Elimination!" Crow: At this rate, she should name it the Moon Skeptical Elimination. >The scepter flashed, and hurled out a puff of smoke. The small >flashing lights along the side of the large red bulb at the top blew >out. Mike: She popped a fuse! Tom : "Umm, Mr. Gnasher sir? Can you give my scepter a jump? I have the cords..." >Serena shook the scepter. It sounded like a burnt out light bulb. >The Gnasher then bit Serena in the chest. Crow : "I feel in the mood for some spare ribs! Mmm-mmm!" >Serena was losing a lot of blood and was stooping. She tried using >her boomerang attack. Tom: Which might've helped three paragraphs ago. Crow : "Go get 'im, Eddie Murphy!" >The boomerang hit the snake. It slithered back a few steps. When >the boomerang was about to hit the snake again, he ate it! Joel : "Urrp... needs barbecue sauce." Mike: So what, this snake is really an overgrown termite? >Just when Serena thought that she was going to be seriously dead, she >felt a kiss on her forehead. Tom: Aww, the Gnasher's being nice and gentle before sucking out her cerebrum. Crow : "Get off my head, Gene Simmons!" >Suddenly, she got up. She had regained some of her energy. Ayla >appeared from out of the woods and looked at Serena. Crow: See? It WAS Ayla! All: ... Mike: Who knew even perverts are right once in a while? >"Ayla follow. Help friend." >"It's gonna eat me!" Serena said, pointing to the Gnasher. Joel: The squid-on-a-stick preservation society sent him, Serena. Tom : "Ohh, no... cops." >She kicked it in the head. The Gnasher quickly responded by biting her >in the butt. Crow : "Hey! That's a designated Tuxedo Mask-only location!" Joel: That Gnasher has some hellishly good reflexes. One moment, he's under a foot... the next, he leapt all the way up to a girl's derriere... >"Perverted snake!" >Ayla picked Serena up and threw her onto the Gnasher. Mike : "Yes!! Dinner!" Tom: Wouldn't a tree be easier to throw? >Just before she landed, Serena pulled out a spare boomerang and hit it >in the head. Tom : "Where you get that? I don't see pocket." Crow : "Our little secret... tee-hee!" >"GRAPH!" the Gnasher growled, and disappeared. Joel: Graph? Tom: Would this be a bar, line, histo, timeplot, point, or double bar graph? >"Anyone got an Ace bandage?" Serena asked no one in particular. Mike: Again, this fic is sponsored by Ace Bandages! Wrapping injuries and Ukyou's breasts for almost a hundred years! Tom: Well, if you killed the snake, you could've used its skin to cover your wound. Joel: Eww. >Serena and Ayla walked home, rather slowly. >"You almost die," Ayla reminded Serena. Crow : "Next time, look both way before crossing street!" >"I had him right where I wanted him!" Serena argued. "I need some >Neosporin." Mike: This has more product placements than an afternoon matinee at the local theater. Tom : "After that, I need a Band-Aid brand bandage, a Kleenex tissue, some Planters peanuts, a good can of RC Cola, and... *psst, director, what else?*" >"Gnasher almost eat you. After eat boomerang, you next on menu." Joel : "And Gnasher no give tip!" Tom: Today's special, at the Chez Serena... >Serena rubbed where she had been bitten and winced. "That was one >perverted snake!" Mike: Serena, the snake isn't going to go after bone, after all... Tom: Hey, at least that snake eats what it kills! Better than a certain RolyPoly exterminator we all know! >---- Joel: So that's what passes for action. Tom: The heck, we've gone over so many speedbumps that this might as well be a mogul course! Mike: Double-diamond, at that. >When they got home, Koban examined Serena's wounds. Tom: Spending a little extra time on her butt, I bet. Joel : "What were you and Ayla doing in the woods, hmm?" Mike: Billy's waiting to cross-examine. >"One casting of Cure 2 should heal those wounds, but you'll probably >end up with a slight scar on your butt. It's a good thing that Ayla >was there, or you'd be dead." Tom: But doesn't she have the Ginzuisho? Crow: Well, nothing a little REVIVE spell couldn't handle... Mike: Life2, Crow, Life2. Know thy series. Crow: What-EVER. >"Look, Koban," Serena said, "I don't need your criticisms." Joel : "After all, I'm not the one writing this." >"I'm not criticizing. I'm just saying that there's no shame in running >if you meet a monster that's too big for you. Crow: Are we talking Sweetums size, or your run-of-the-mill Animal? Tom : "But what if he's my pet monster?" >Meanwhile, I'd invest in some form of armor if I were you." Tom : "But I look bitchin' in this skirt!" Crow: A fanfic that doesn't subscribe to the "less the girl is covered, the more protection she REALLY has" theory... wow. Mike: Either that or Akira's giving him thoughts again. >---- Joel: Man, Six Flags over Arlington didn't even have THIS many lines! Mike: Heck, Hamlet didn't even have this many lines. >It was now the middle of May and Koban was meditating before a fire. Tom : "Oooohhhmmmm... thankyouGaryShandling.... ooooohhhhmmmmm..." Crow : "Wow... that time machine really went up in a puff of smoke, didn't it? Lemme guess, you guys had sidesaddle gas tanks?" Mike : "Worse... we had Firestone tires." Crow : "That'll get'cha every time." >Sitting next to him was Rei who was asking the fire to tell her of the >future. Joel : "Lucky lotto numbers? How about just telling me where there's a winning ticket?" Tom : "Are you SURE Chrysler stock will rise?" >Koban looked at her, noting that she appeared to be in a trance, for >her eyes were rolled back into her head. Mike: No, that's just her look when she deals with Serena. Tom: Not only that, Koban crapped out... he got snake eyes. >Suddenly, Koban stiffened, and his head was filled with voices. Crow: Sign that man up for Miss Cleo! Tom: But she does tarot cards. Crow: In that case, sign that man up for Dionne Warwick! >They seemed familiar, yet displaced, as if he was receiving a very >faint signal on a radio. Joel: Koban, you don't by chance wear braces, do you? >The first voice sounded more like a cross between a high-pitched >whine, a gurgling noise, and a roar. Then he could make out voices. >Human voices. All [voices]: "We're having a party in your mouth, and YOU'RE NOT INVITED! Hahahahaha!!" >"Serena!... Her neck's been snapped, and all of her ribs are broken... >Can't you heal her?... She's too far gone... Mike: This week on Rescue... 9...1...1. Tom : "Darn it, Cure 2 won't work. We'll have to resort to extreme measures, folks." Joel : "No! Not... that!" Tom : "Yes, that. Get ready for... CURE 3!!" Joel : "AAAHHHH!!" >The same thing happened to Schala, and Crono couldn't heal her... If >you don't do something, I'll break her leg!... Crow : "Oh... oh yeah? In that case, I'll... gnaw your finger!" Tom: EVERYONE has a fixation on Serena's legs in this fic. >Put Sandra down! Breaking her leg won't bring Serena back, Lita... >Sandra!... Get her out, Lita!... You wouldn't help Serena, so why >should I help you?... Mike: If there's a more elegant way to foreshadow, I don't know what it is. Tom: : "God helps those that help themselves, Sandra!" >Damn it, Lita!... No! I won't!..." Crow : "Dammit, Lita, I'm not a doctor! I'm a fighter!" Joel: The White Mages picked a helluva time to unionize... >Again he heard that strange roar/whine/gurgle. Joel: That's when you know it's time for Roto-Rooter. Tom: [singing] Buh-buh-buh-buh baby! Better call my plumber! He'll know what to do! Mike: Call now! We're in the Yellow Pages! >The next thing he knew Sandra was shaking him. He looked in her eyes >and shouted, "No! You won't let her die! I won't let you!" Crow: Naughty naughty kitty! You need your distemper shots! Tom : "He's always like this just after we get back from the vet's." >"Koban!" Sandra said, waving a cup of tea under his nose. "Snap out of >it!" >"I had a... vision of the future." Mike : "There was a man named... Toblerone. And he wouldn't leave the Bronx." Tom : "The IRS will send me a letter... and they'll tell me that since I'm an animal, I won't qualify for my tax rebate..." >At the end of time, Spekkio, the guardian of magic, scoured the >vastness of time for disturbances in the magical web of history. Joel: He and his Brillo Pad really cleaned up the time continuum, yes indeedy. Tom : "Oh, that nutty Carmen Sandiego. Will anyone *ever* catch you, you naughty scamp?" >He viewed all the time zones, pre-day of Lavos 1999 last. Suddenly he >gasped. Mike : "What's *this*? This national broadcast feed doesn't have Eastern AND Pacific times!" Tom : "Where did I leave my inhaler?" >"Where the hell did those gals come from?" >Spekkio examined each one's aura quickly. Crow : "Mina forgot one payment on her loan... Ami, however, hasn't overdrawn one account. Oh, wait... I wanted their auras, not their credit reports!!" Tom: You are what you charge. Mike: So true, my little friend. >"What the hell is going on! I don't remember giving any of them magic! >That girl with the pigtails, she has the strongest will of them all, >and yet she possesses no magic. Joel : "And if she has a nice enough cow, she'll get magic beans for the rest of time!" Tom: Hey guys, did you notice? The author didn't bother to linebreak this scene. For all we know, the end of time is right next to Koban's armpit. Mike: Too true. >This is too rare to pass up, I'll soon change that!" Joel : "I'll open with... one no-trump!" Tom: Who's the dummy hand then? Joel: I'd say it, but she's had too much abuse through this whole story anyway. >---- Crow: You just HAD to mention something, didn't you Tommy? Mike: I'll have a key line pie, please... All: [groans] >Meanwhile... Tom: This just in... Miyuki-chan is STILL lost in Wonderland. More details when they become available! Crow: Now back to your regularly scheduled crossover. >Serena was asleep, dreaming of Darien and cream pies. But that soon >changed. Joel: Now she was dreaming of pies and cream Darien. Tom: Yuck, Joel. Mike: How about pies and cream Andrew? >"Serena... Serena..." >Serena suddenly found herself in a strange, gothic-looking square. Crow: Serena is Julia Roberts in Mary Reilly II: The Search for Hyde's Gold! >In the center was an 18th-century style lamppost, with an old man in >a heavy robe leaning against it, Crow : "I say, ol' bean... 'ave you seen my partner Watson around? 'E 'as some vital information for me." >sleeping and blowing bubbles out of his nose. Mike: So he acts and sounds just like a bubble lawnmower. Joel: See kids, this is what happens when the bubble pipe is shoved too far into your mouth. Let this be a lesson! >"Eww!" Serena said. "And they say *I'm* a heavy sleeper..." >"Come here, child..." the voice said, "Behind the door over there..." Crow : "I have cookies and candy for you..." Joel : "But I'm afraid you'll be the Zonk prize!" >Serena entered the room and saw what looked like a small, white >panda bear with a brown face standing in the middle. Mike : "Mokona! You scared me!" Tom : "Puu!" >"What are you staring at?" he asked Serena. >"I'm not sure yet. You're cute, but, what do you want with me?" Crow : "I'm looking for a leg to bite, and I heard yours is the tastiest of all." >"I am Spekkio. I brought you here to help you." >"How is an albino panda supposed to help me?" Joel: He's much more visible than a pink elephant, at least. Tom: Watch out... it could be a painted Genma just itchin' to teach the cat-fist to someone else! >"My shape depends upon your aura." >"My aura's a panda? I always thought it would be a rabbit." Mike: A VW Rabbit? Crow : "Would you settle for a cabbit?" Joel : "My aura SUCKS! I want a COOL aura, like a tiger, or a flaming death's head! Yeah!" >"No, your aura is weak so I look weak to you." >"You wouldn't happen to know a guy named Magus, would ya?" Tom : "Magus Solomon! Of course! We get together every week at the Hello Deli and then we play a game of chess at Central Park!" >"Yes. He was a rude one. When I told him he possessed Shadow magic, he >just gave me a look and said, 'well, duh!' Mike : "Your name is Spekkio, not Spaz-io!" Tom : "I knew that already, man... I already fixed Peter Pan!" >Enough! Time to evaluate your character. Relax and close your eyes..." Joel : "And please put this on your arm. Remember, yes or no answers... is your name Serena?" Tom : "Yes." Mike: BUZZ!! Joel : "Look, sister... we can do this the easy way or the hard way." >Serena did so. Spekkio's eyes narrowed and he stared at Serena. >Suddenly, a crescent moon appeared on her forehead, and her eyes >opened. Joel: Man, this hypnotherapy works wonders, doesn't it? Crow : "Mommy... Old Yeller didn't die, did he?" >"What did you do to me?" She nearly shouted. Joel: He activated your opening theme sequence! Pay attention! >"I evaluated your character. It is as I thought. You are strong of >will, but weak in body. Crow : "So today, absolutely free... all the squid-on-a-stick you can eat!" Tom : "Woohoo!" Mike : "You are also strong of breath. Here, take this." Joel : "What kind of power will this give me?" Mike : "The sacred power of Retsyn." >Walk around the room three times, counter-clockwise." All [singing]: Then do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around... that's what it's all a-bout! >Serena walked around the room three times, but she found that she >went around the wrong way. >"Oh, heck. I went backwards, didn't I?" Serena said, turning slightly >red in the cheecks. Joel: Serena, you'd better be sure to get some more band-aids and Bactine if you're going to tease the funny little panda. Mike: Now would that be her traveler's cheecks or her Cheecks Marin? >Spekkio, obviously chagrined, frowned and said to himself, "She's not >very bright, is she?" Tom: Must've missed that in that comprehensive "character" search. Crow: Heck, she's getting magic... while people in the States have to have a five-day background search for their 'magic' cylinders! >Then, to Serena, he said, "When you go around the room three times, >the right way, you will have the magic of the moon." Mike : "Then you must take this pebble from my paw, Grasshopper." Crow : "And just what would this magic entail?" Mike : "Well, I give you a scepter, and you can shoot little sparklies out of it!" Crow : "..." >"Of course I do," Serena said. "I've had it for quite some time." >Trying to talk as she walked, she tripped. "D'oh! Waaahh!" All [singing]: "D'oh, waaah deer, waaah female deer..." Tom [singing]: "Rei, a slap of golden sun!" Joel: Especially if she could see *this* in action. >"If you don't learn to stand up for yourself, you'll never get >anywhere." >Serena got back up and completed her three laps. Crow : "Now, did I have a better time than FloJo?" Joel : "No, but you have nicer fingernails." >"Right direction this time. Good! You have learned Lunar Boost, >which will increase your strength during battle. Tom: Next comes the +4 Lance of Moonbeams. >This is the first spell you will learn. If you practice, eventually, >you will master the moon's magic." Crow : "You'll be able to turn average people into slathering beasts, make all sorts of things into green cheese, and hang in the air glowing and round!" >Serena walked up to Spekkio, and hugged him. "Thanks!" >"You are welcome. Now... Begone!" Tom: Hey! Spekkio's a faith healer! Crow: Bad spirits of this fanfic, begone! Taint not our reading with your spitefulness! Mike: Sorry Crow, but I think this is way past a faith healing. Crow: Had to take that chance, Mike. >---- Joel: Aww man, not another line! Mike: Anyone got anything here? Crow: Running out! Tom [singing]: "This little line of mine, I'm gonna let it shine..." Joel: Nice save, Tommy! >Serena sat up in bed, sweating. >"What a weird dream..." Serena said to herself. Crow : "First, I was riding in a beautiful submarine colored yellow... and next thing I know, I was in a garden... with an octopus!" Joel: No more squid-on-a-stick just before bedtime for YOU, young lady! >"Dream?" Spekkio's voice echoed in her mind. "Your time will come soon >enough... Just don't forget, okay?" Tom : "And buy war bonds! Our men and women are counting on you-oo-oo-oo..." >"Umm... Okay." Serena pulled the covers over herself and went back to >sleep. Mike : "Sandman, take me away!" Joel: Talking, laughing, snoring, giggling, kicking, screaming, gasping, rasping... it's all in a night's sleep for Serena! >-------- Tom: Boys in the gym and girls in the cafeteria, it's film time! Crow [scratchy voice]: "When a line loves another line, they... uhh, they get together and uhh..." >After the fire reading, Koban was visibly shaken. Tom: He's the shakiest sword in the West! Mike: [imitates whip cracking] >Frog decided to talk to him and maybe have a mock-battle to test >their relative strength. Joel: But mock-battles should be left to mock turtles, not mock frogs. Tom : "Thumb wrestling, best three out of five!" >He sat down next to Koban. "I wish to know of thy skill, Koban," >He began. "What be thy weapon?" Crow : "Atomic hairballs!" >Koban's eyes, one green, one blue, seemed to light up with a mystic >fire. "I am the sworn protector of the twin ninja swords of Masamune >and Murasame." Tom: Which he stole from Edge from Final Fantasy II. Joel: Teach us the fine art of pickpocketing, O great ninja kat! Crow: Please, they prefer to call it 'creative treasure hunting'. >"What on Earth? Thou haveth the Masamune as well?" >Frog unsheathed his sword, followed by Koban. Mike : "I already unsheathed my sword, Koban. No need to unsheathe it again." Tom: Ahh, Koban bought his Masamune from a street vendor in New York. Crow: Ironically, that Masamune was sitting next to a dozen Rolexes. >"Aha! My Masamune is quite a bit thinner," Koban stated, "and black as >well." Joel: Now now, Koban... it's African-American. Tom : "My Masamune went on the Slim-Fast diet! Yours should too, Frog..." Mike : "My Masamune isn't fat! It's big-boned!" >"Aye, though they be the same in name, they are quite different. Thou >possesseth a katana, and I posses a broad sword!" Crow: Man, it's always trouble when men compare their swords... Tom: This is made even worse by the fact that it's a cat and a frog. Joel: Hmm... for that matter, did the Red Dragons care enough to neuter Koban? >"Mine has the red dragon inscribed on the blade, going down to the >hilt." >"Mine is much plainer, yet it houses two mystic beings." Mike : "Mine came from the Moon, in Golbez's chamber!" Crow : "Oh yeah? Mine has the great taste of bacon!" Mike : "So? If you boil mine, it tenderizes rather well!" >"Mine was carved from the tooth of the Red Dragon." Crow : "But mine has great taste and less filling!" Mike : "Big whoop. This sword can double as a cell phone and receive mp3s!" Joel: But can Koban really handle the tooth? >Magus walked into the room, looking for the kitchen. Crow : "Is this it? How about this? This?" Tom: The heck? Are they all staying in Shutaro Mendou's place? >"Comparing your might, eh?" He said in is his usual, blas_ tone. Joel: Blahs? Magus is down in the dumps? Tom: Sounded more like a Toronto accent to me. >"Beware, Magus," Frog said to him, "there be two Masamunes now!" >"Rubbish!" Magus said, with the tiniest hint of fear in his eyes. Mike: Or was that an eye booger? Tom : "No, seriously! I'm deathly afraid of trash!" >Frog stood up and walked next to Magus, then pointed the Masamune >at him. Joel: Tsk tsk, Frog. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's impolite to point? Tom: It's all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out. >Magus shivered, then said, "Get that thing away, toad, or I'll turn >you into a rabite." Joel : "In that case, how about I keep it here until you turn me BACK into a human?" Crow: Rabite? Tom: Rabide, maybe? A hydrophobic toad? That's different *and* unique! >"Try yours, Koban," Frog said, withdrawing back to where he was >sitting. >"Damn..." Mike : "You took my favorite sleeping chair, man! C'mon, gimme it back!" >Koban stood up and did the same as Frog. Magus smiled slightly. >"It feels warm, almost comforting." Crow: Thus started the scabbard warmer craze of 1999. Tom : "I feel I could tell you all my secrets..." Mike: When did this become a rerun of Dr. Katz? Joel: Aww man, that was a bad pun. Mike: Completely unintentional. >Koban pulled a rag out of his pocket, and polished his Masamune, >admiring the way his face was reflected in the ebon surface of the >blade. Tom: He took extra care to polish the REDRUM carving on the hilt as well. Crow: Not since "House of Ikari" has a sword been SO obsessed over. >Koban then placed it at eye level, resting the blade in his >palm, and stared down its length. He then ran his fingers along the >flat of the blade, feeling the dragon's image etched on it. Joel: I call foul, he has paws. Crow: I also call foul, he should be pulling away bloody stumps the way he's been talking up this sword. Mike: I'm still waiting for Edge to show up and take it away from him. >After this, he reached into his pocket and produced a small, black >stone. Tom: His own personal piece of Zoicite? Joel: It's a twenty-sided die. He has to make a saving throw or fall asleep due to boredom. Crow : "This is my piece of the Rock... you can get one too, just call Prudential!" >"What is that for?" Magus inquired. >"*togu ni ishi-* A sharpening stone," Koban said, proceeding to >strike the stone against the edge of his Masamune's blade. Crow: That Masamune could also make a good cigarette lighter, by the looks of it. All: Watch out for that... Tom : "AAOOOAOOOOHHHHHHCH!" All: EDGE! >After looking at the blade again, Koban polished the spot that he >sharpened with the rag, and held the blade in front of him, flexing >it slightly. Tom : "Hey... this blade's been taking steroids! Look how much it's bulked up!" >"This be one fine mystery," Frog commented. Joel: I know! Let's cross this over with Nancy Drew next! >"Indeed," Magus replied. >"It's weird all right," Koban added. >"A light Masamune," Frog continued, "and a dark Masamune. Or so it >seems." Crow: Remind me again, what happened to the *fight* that Koban and Frog were supposed to test their strength with? Mike: They'd rather vaguely threaten Magus and compare their tools. >"I never specifically said mine was a dark one. But, as they say, 'the >proof is in the pudding.'" Joel: I just KNEW Bill Cosby was somehow involved with this. Tom: Besides, it was carved from a dragon's tooth, not a unicorn's horn. Crow: And here I thought he sent in three proof-of-purchases and shipping and handling to Kellogg's to get it. >"Well, if Magus takes a liking to it, it must be enchanted with some >type of dark magic." >"A Ninja does not dabble in dark magic. The Ninja should not succumb >to evil influences." Mike: Well, as they say Koban, "The proof is in the pudding." Joel : "Just because we wear black, try to attack our enemies in the darkness of night, and kill for other's benefit, doesn't mean we're evil!" >"Lemme see those things," Magus said, snatching both Masamunes. He >shivered from Frog's Masamune, yet Koban's Masamune seemed to counter >the effect of the other one. Tom: Never thought I'd say this, guys, but when's the next scene break? Mike: Man, Escaflowne wasn't even this talky! Tom: And, I might add, had better swordplay. >Koban drew the other blade from its scabbard, and examined it. It >looked identical in nearly every way. Crow: But this one came from Post instead of Kellogg's. Tom: Proving once again that female swords birth litters instead of one by one. >"The Murasame seems to be sleeping..." he muttered. Joel: Just like so many other things in this fic. Sailor Senshi, Lavos, swords, random Chrono Trigger characters... Tom: Definitely, "sleep" is the pervading theme of this fic. >"Hmm..." Magus thought out loud, "Suppose if we melted the blades of >these two blades, and reforged them together?" Crow: He's looking for the kitchen to grab a Bud Light! Now it all makes sense! Mike : "Let's do both." *clunk* >Koban advanced on Magus, brandishing the Murasame in his hand. >"No way buddy! I have taken a solemn vow to let no harm come to the >Masamune, or to this blade!" Tom : "I'd gladly sacrifice Billy to keep this blade safe!" Crow : "HEY!" Tom : "Well, it was just an example... get 'im, Billy!" Crow : "Quit it, Koban!" >"That would either make a *very* powerful sword," Frog mused, "or it >would totally ruin the balance of nature." Tom: Oh, so this fic was a cautionary tale given to us by the EPA? Joel: You never know when you might want to reforge your dragon's-tooth sword, so do it safely! >"'Twas only an idea," Magus said." >"Matter and antimatter..." Koban said, with a look of dread in his >eyes. Joel : "They're playing tonight at The Time Gate! We'll never get any sleep tonight!" >"WHAT?" Frog and Magus said at the same time. Tom : "SPEAK INTO THE BELLTONE, SONNY... MY EARS ARE OVER FOURTEEN HUNDRED YEARS OLD!" >"In theory every particle of matter has its opposite. The scientific >name for the opposite is 'antimatter.' Theoretically, if matter and >antimatter ever meet, they will annihilate each other in a huge >explosion." Mike: Not hardly, Dirac-tionally challenged. Antimatter and matter cancel each other out by releasing energy and light photons, or even additional matter/antimatter particles, not "huge explosions". Tom: And seeing as how there has been 'matter' all around the sword ever since it was forged, it's physically impossible for it to be antimatter!! Joel : "It's a grudge match! Who will come out on top, and who will be relegated to the scrap heap of history?!" >Magus grinned, while Frog grimaced. >"Mayhap thou wouldst like to have a mock battle in the training room," >Frog said, looking at Koban's Masamune. Crow: To go through all this talking *again*? Are you nuts? >"Where was I?" Magus asked himself. "Ah, yes..." Magus walked into >the kitchen. Tom : "Mama's little baby like short-nin', short-nin', mama's little baby like short-nin' cream!" >"That should be very interesting," Koban said. Mike : "What'll happen when he finds out we have no shortening?" Crow : "AAAHHHH!! Where is it?!" >---- Tom: Bittersweet feeling, guys. Joel: We've seen what, almost twenty of these? Tom: But never have I been happier about seeing one. >After the battle, Frog put a damp towel on his head and sat down on >a mat. Mike : "Just because I won doesn't mean Koban had to throw me out of the house onto the doorstep!" Tom: Well, the rest of his BattleToad companions have been waiting the whole fanfic to get him back. >"That was quite a battle," Koban said, watching Frog dip the towel in >a bucket of water, and place it on his head again. Joel: In that battle that WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE!!! >"Yes," Said Frog. "We did not hit each other once, and we were not >trying not to hit each other." Joel : "Then why the heck do I have a scratch up my thigh and a poke in the butt?" Crow : "Oh, heh heh... must've forgot to tell you that rule." >---- Tom : "ATTENTION ALL PERSONNAL... INCOMING WOUNDED!" Mike: Dash, Tom, not M*A*S*H. Tom: Make 'em STOP, Mike! Please!! >That night, before Magus went to sleep, he reached into his pack and >pulled out a calendar. He waved his hand over it, and another day was >crossed out. Crow : "Hmm... I think I'll cross off the fifteen of October. And tomorrow, I'll cross Valentine's Day!" Tom: For someone who up until a month back was travelling in a *time machine*, why does he have a calendar? >He flipped the leaves over, counting the number of unmarked squares >left before the one labeled "Revenge." Mike : "I shall have my vengeance, Labor Day! MARK MY WORDS!" >==== Crow: Bricks and stones may break my bones... but these darned line breaks are KILLING ME! Joel: C'mon man, don't conk out this close to the end! >I hope you enjoyed reading Sailor Trigger, part 2: the Time of Dread >as much as we enjoyed writing it. Thank you, and good night. Tom: See? Sleeping is this author's leifmotif. Joel: Last one out turn on the ghostlight! >Greetz go out to Alanis_Hunter_K, CapnAhab, Claud, CyberSled, Edge64, Mike: 'Cause EdgeDreamcast was just a bit too clunky. Crow: Hey Edge! Koban stole your swords, man! Go get 'im! >EvelSizor, Evolver, FuzzBuster, Garjon, Genji, GrImp, JohnRisser, >King_Giott, ]{ipi, KnightShade, Lukka, Tom: Would that be Filthy Lukka? >Magus9X, Mecha, MentalMan, Ranko, Ranma`Saotome, Ryoga, Crow: From the law firm of Saotome, Saotome, and Hibiki. >Sheex, SirGolbez, SOM2Freak, SouL-CrusheR, Suky, WhiteMage. >PS. Never fear, Sailor Koban the Ninja Kat is here! Joel: From what navy? Mike: Austrian? >Warning: If you don't pay attention, you're head will explode like >that one guy in "Fist of the North Star" and about 7 other guys in the >same film. Tom: Sorta like the "Headlines" bit on the Daily Show, right? >"You must think my head zips up the back!" Crow: Funny, I would've guessed Velcro. >Is this Hematite guy a general, or just a fancy name for a bloodstone? Joel: Sauvignon Claret Hematite, from the vinyards of Ernest and Julio Bloodstone. Tom: I hear the '89 vintage is especially bloody. >It's just that I keep having this dream in which someone calls me >that... Mike: That Darn Kat! Tom: Aww man, was it my imagination or did those theater doors finally open? Joel: Your prayers have been answered, my robot! Mike: Before we go though, there's a review to give! Firstly, what is the reason for adding this many characters? Yes, they're all fun to work with, but the 'fic can only focus on one at a time anyway. You could've had maybe just Serena drop in, or maybe one or two of the Chrono Trigger characters as an advance scout party. Joel: Also, you might want to try to give depth to the Red Dragon characters. While reading about them, it sometimes felt that they were rather one-dimensional. Why are they helping these people? What is their goal as a group? Crow: When will WE get our RAM chips? Tom: All this and many more questions, should the author decide to finish this off! ---Satellite of Love Two humans approached the desk, followed by two robots. All four of them shared a look, and then started whooping and hollering for joy. Mike and Crow shared a high-five while Joel was hugging Tom. "We did it, guys, we survived this turkey with no casualties!" Mike exulted. Tom wheeled over to Cambot to load some information into his memory banks. "Hey guys, feel like a song for celebration?" "Yeah Tommy, go for it!" Joel responded. "Okay, here goes," Tom said. "And for those people who don't have the benefit of a Cambot at home, you can find the music yourself at ! Hit it, Cambot!" [Sung to the tune of "Cat's In the Cradle", by Harry Chapin. The opening chords sounded through the satellite...] Tom: A fic arrived from Deep Thirteen's files, a funky little fic in its writing styles. There were SIs galore and Senshi for miles... ent'ring the fic in many piles. Mike: And when they got up and looked around the town some, they found that the Ren Fest had come, man, they found that the Ren Fest come... All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again... Crossovers that will make your poor head spin. When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when, We'd love to read ya' then, we'll be glad to read you then. Joel: Before we know it Crono's gang arrives, but not after their spaceship took a dive. Then the action shifts back to the tailor shop, where the Senshi get clothes for a few yen a pop. Crow: And they all started fighting but before too long, the Ninja Kat said "It's wrong", man, the Ninja Kat said "It's wrong". All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again... Crossovers that will make your poor head spin. When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when, We'd love to read ya' then, we'll be glad to read you then. [Crow: Drum solo!! Tom: Wrong song, idiot!] Mike: The groups got together over knockout tea, which was the Ninja Kat's special recipe. They gossiped a while and mingled about as all twenty actors felt each other out. Tom: And after all the histories were told and retold, Sailor Moon 'n Ayla were out cold, All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again... Crossovers that will make your poor head spin. When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when, we'd love to read ya' then, man, we'll be glad to read you then. [Mike: Well, we were out cold too... Tom: Shh! Crow: Drum solo? Tom: Quit it!] Joel: They all fought a robot for an hour or two, there was nothing better to do. Serena got a boomerang and started to play, Killing dozens of Roly-Polys a day. Tom: Y'see the Ninja Kat be a magic eight-ball, an' Spekkio in his magic hall... Spekkio in his magic hall... [Crow: Lemme take the end, Tom! Tom: Well... Crow: C'mon! Tom: Okay.] Crow: And as we ended the fic we ponder'd a while, and thought "This fic's a pile", "Man, this fic's a pile"... [Joel: CROW! Crow: Well... Tom: Every-body! Sing along!] All: And the cat's at the keyboard an' writin' again... Crossovers that will make your poor head spin. When ya' comin' in plot, I don't know when, we'd love to read ya' then, man, we'll be glad to read you then. As the last few chords died down, Joel noticed the flashing red button on the desk. "What'd you think, sirs?" ---Deep Thirteen "C'mon, Frank, we can't have this keyboard damaged! I'm not looking forward to stealing another one from the Gizmonic supply closet!" Dr. F stated to his subordinate. Frank sighed, and replied, "Look at what it does now, Dr. F. I can't even get it to type proper words! After half-an-hour of banging at it, all I've got is this!" Dr. F peered at the screen. It read, "ki-boar fubar ki nu 1. '-';; m67". "What the heck is this?" the green-clad one inquired to his assistant. "I haven't the slightest, sir. All I can guess is that this is what happens when you spill Coke on the keys!" "In that case... hey!" Dr. F finally noticed the open video and audio link to the SOL, and heard more than a little chuckling. "Okay, you funk soul bruthas, don't think you'll get off so easy the next time!" With eyes flashing, he turned on Frank. "Push the BUTTON, Frank." "I already told you, it won't work!" Frank protested. Dr. Forrester gave his best evil grimace and said, "In that case, YOU can be my next invention exchange, Frank. I'm sure the SOL will enjoy seeing the first HUMAN keyboard, and believe me when I say I'll have fun while punching you trying to find the right key!" "Eep!" Frank replied. He plugged the keyboard back into the tower, and immediately threw it to the ground. CRASH!! --POOF!-- "Phew, it worked..." o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..." Hello again, folks. MSTing number five in the can... and believe it or not, it really wasn't too painful! It came at a time when I really need to finish up some of my projects, 'cause I have a little baby (forever known to the 'Net as "the Zoogzling") on the way come February. Wow, how life can change quickly... Any comments about this MST are taken gratefully at . I'd like to offer a special thanks to Megane 6.7, and a quick late "happy birthday", for his help through this project. He always has a knack for putting in good riffs in spots where they are needed, and his words of encouragement are always greatly appreciated. Thanks also to my other prereader, Jack Acid... he enthusiastically gave me even more riffs to add into the mix. I must admit, I'm glad to know these two comedy writers. Still forthcoming, there are three group MSTs that NEED to be finished up, and they will be taken in this order: "House of Ikari" , Dot Every T "Nene's Babysitter" , Knight/Zoogz (with others) collaboration "Battle Royale" , the ACen live-action MSTing Watch for all of these, coming soon (hopefully before the college semester) to A MSTing For All Seasons, MST archives, and mailing lists near you! This and many other works are all archived at: , A MSTing For All Seasons! Megane 6.7 and I are happy to introduce an old friend, but a new webpage collaborator: Jack Acid! Watch the site for updates, since he will be publishing a lot in the near future. And for those curious about my change of title to "Mystery Science Cinema", it turns out that Jack Acid himself already wrote some under the Mystery Science Theater 3001 moniker, so I decided to change mine in order to avoid confusion. Hope it works... Special Thanks To: Teachers of America (and the world!) The Authors of the 1st Amendment And all fans of MST, you guys are the special ones! >The 17 fighters threw everything they had at the robot, but to no >avail. Keep Circulating the Fanfics...