Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 203, reel 1: "From Weird to Weirder", Chapter 2 (A Ranma 1/2 - Sailor Moon - not an SI crossover fanfic) MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison == Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan and Viz. Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi, Koudansha, TV Asahi, Toei Douga, and DIC. "From Weird to Weirder" is the property of Tomas Megerson. I graciously thank Mr. Megerson for his permission and hope that enough C&C be gleaned from this project to be a worthwhile source of both laughter and criticism. All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their respective owners and creators. == ---Satellite of Love Tom Servo sat in front of a computer, speaking soft voice commands into a microphone setup. The computer monitor's output reflected brightly from Tom's dome. His clear head shone with the many different colors that broadcast from the monitor. From the right- hand side, Crow T Robot was sneaking over to see what Tom was looking at. "Awesome!" Tom exclaimed. "Today's 'Dominic Deegan' strip is great! I can't wait to see what happens to Spark!" Crow tapped the gumball 'bot on his shoulder, who was currently taking the prime spot in front of the computer. "What are you TALKING about? I haven't seen my episodes of either '8-Bit' OR 'Upstate' yet! I claimed first dibs on the computer yesterday to check 'em out!" Crow crossed his arms in a huff as Tom squirmed under his glare. "Okay, okay, I don't need to see 'Megatokyo' until later anyway. But when I get back I claim the printer!" Tom called. Sitting next to the computer was fifteen reams of paper and an old Canon 100BJ printer. It seemed that all of the paper had been previously used and just not taken away yet. "Claim it all you want, Tom, I just finished printing every 'Schlock Mercenary' from the middle of 2000 and some 'Adventurers!' to boot. Good luck finding more paper." "You... you... took ALL the paper? You jerk! How will I be able to enjoy 'Jackie's Fridge' from the bathroom?!" Tom protested. "You don't even NEED the bathroom!" Crow retorted. Crow took the center spot in front of the computer and started using the mouse. "Just have Dr. F send up some more paper later." Crow's face took on a conspiratorial tone. "If you get Frank, all you have to do is give him a sob story about 'The Great American Novel', he's always a sucker for culture. As for Dr. F..." Crow sidled up to Tom Servo and whispered towards the side of his gumball head. Tom started nodding vigorously. "Yeah... yeah... yeah! That just might work! How did you figure it out?" "Well, I have some inside information," Crow whispered conspiratorially. Michael J. Nelson strolled onto the bridge, followed closely by Joel Robinson. Both were lugging in a rather large piece of equipment as Joel spotted the PC on the desk. "Are you guys done with that yet? Mike and I want to see if 'Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki' has been updated," Joel stated as Mike nodded vigorously. "Have we ever told you how much you guys scare us?" Tom asked. Before Joel had a chance to respond, Mike spotted the flashing red light. "Uh-oh, Bun-Bun and Torg need a word with us guys..." ---Deep Thirteen From the back of Deep Thirteen, Dr. Clayton Forrester emerged clad in a green robe, his hair disheveled and slightly damp. Over his shoulders was a towel which read "Holiday Inn" and had it printed ostentatiously on both sides. A pair of lime-green bunny slippers adorned his feet. In the background, Frank could be heard singing "New York, New York" over the hiss of a shower spray. "Greetings! Doesn't the world always seem a bit brighter after a shower, boys?" Dr. F said in as upbeat a tone as he could. "Every one so far has reminded me about how we need to change the urine filters here on the SOL, sir," Mike responded. Dr. F grimaced at the camera. "Mike, Mike, Mike. That's just utterly filthy! Why don't you walk down to the nearest stream for some freshly running cold water?" Joel laughed. "Oh, so now I'm supposed to label the commode 'Mississippi River'?" "Keep it up you two, and you'll be going down the Ol' Swanee with nothing more than water wings and a prayer," Dr. F threatened. "But we're not here to dwell on how you have eternally bitter moods, boys. Not at all, we're here to be happy!" Dr. F smiled as he grabbed a table off-camera to the right. On top of the red felt there were two units, a remote control and a showerhead. Dr. F picked up the remote control. "This is always my favorite part. It combines the promise of agony with the glee of lack of personal accountability!" He pressed a button on the top... ..."YYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" Frank screamed. "Isn't science wonderful, guys? This is a favorite invention of mine. It goes by the name 'Shower Anti-Massage'! With this little beauty, I can control water pressure, temperature, and in some rare cases even the compound coming from the showerhead! Ever try to bathe in pure peroxide?" Dr. F smiled into the camera. "Once I make showers the worst part of everyone's day, people will have a little more road rage... be a little more irritable at work... and dread coming home! Soon we'll have a world of stinky unhappy people that you can smell from outer space! Earth will be known as 'Milky Way's sweaty locker room!' And it's now your turn to draw, pa'dners..." "Wow, it's a good thing we don't have to worry about body odor, Tom," Crow remarked. Joel was hurriedly moving the computer setup to the side so that he could make room for his VCR and television on the desk of the SOL. Mike, in the meantime, lugged the contraption on top of the desk and started unfolding an arm attachment. Once Joel set up all the cords, Mike positioned the arm in front of the VCR. "As you have already demonstrated, remote controls are very useful for a number of items. However, on VCRs, there is one function on a remote that seems to be missing... the "change tape" function! We have rectified this little problem with our 'Jukebox VCR' attachment!" Both Mike and Joel stepped back from the desk as Tom and Crow looked on. Joel pressed a button on the remote control that he was carrying and a tape popped out of the VCR. Mike then pressed a button on his remote; the arm positioned in front of the VCR lifted the tape out. A compartment opened in the middle. The arm placed the tape in the compartment, inside a video jacket, as it grabbed a different video. Three seconds later, the video was being pressed inside the VCR and playing. "Hey! You guys aren't supposed to have a copy of 'xXx'!" Dr. F complained. "You kidding us? This drivel is practically as bad as the stuff you give us, Dr. F." Tom retorted. "The bay of the robot can hold up to sixteen VCR tapes. Not enough for ten-year collections of Comedy Central/Sci-Fi continuing series, but certainly enough to keep practically two seasons worth of anime in there. What do you think, sirs?" Frank emerged from the back, beet red and shivering all at the same time. "Th-th-that was muh-muh-muh-muh..." "Spit it out, Frank!" "MEAN! My shower was HORRIBLE today! Don't count on a nutritious lunch today, you no-goodnik!" "You forget, booby. Don't make me tie you in there for some more Dr. F Water Torture." Turning towards the camera, Dr. F readdressed the SOL. "And speaking of water torture, boys, we have 'From Weird to Weirder'! It's a Ranma 1/2 and Sailor Moon crossover, along with a 'not-an-SI' that will have you shaking your head within five seconds! Dribble the pain upon them, Frank." "Whatever, you friggin'..." "FRANK!!" Mike and Joel stared at the computer screen, wide-eyed and open- mouthed. "I just can't get enough of 'squish squish'," Mike stated. "Amen," Joel agreed. "You sick..." Tom trailed off. The lights started flashing and the alarms began blaring. "WE HAVE FIC SIGN!!" (Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate) (Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the bottom) (Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.) (Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually) (Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well) (Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia) (Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you inside) (Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the fourth seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel, and Crow sat in the far right seat.) Crow: Has it occurred to you guys that we now have too much free time on our hands? Mike: I can't imagine life before "squish squish" Tom: Or Dominic and Luna. Crow: Okay, let's focus here... >This is the standard disclaimer that all fanfics get. Joel: Unless they've been naughty fanfics, in which case they just get a lump of coal. Crow: And for an extra $150 we'll update your fanfic's disclaimer to the deluxe executive edition. >The characters of Ranma 1/2 belong to Rumiko Takakashi. The >characters of Sailor Moon belong to Naoko Takeuchi. This is all for >non-profit reasons, Mike: We prefer to think of them as Salvation Army donations. Crow: The characters must've been left in one of those Toys for Tots boxes... >so please don't sue me. I don't have enough to make it worth while >anyway. And now on with the story. Joel: Because, of course, it's the story... of a lovely Souun-y... who was bringing up three very lovely girls. Crow : Heh heh, being poor is great! I can get away with anything! >Note: I know Ranma is acting out of character. Crow : The story was much easier to write having Matt LeBlanc wearing a "Hello, My Name is RANMA" nametag. Tom : But I like the idea of Ranma as a knife wielding, beer guzzling, opera singing maniac, so there! >The reasons why will be explained in memories and flashbacks >throughout the story. Also, in this story I'm throwing all of the >Inner Senshi into Juuban high. Mike: They'll be the best group of lunchladies you've ever seen! Joel: Is this just an anime remake of "Never Been Kissed"? Tom: Either that or a BAD remake of 3 O'Clock High. >They are all the same age as Ranma, about 17. Tom: So this would be about three years after their stint as "The Japanese Baby-sitters' Club". Joel: And another two or so before their ill-fated appearance in "Real World-Tokyo" Crow: Actually, they're sixteen going on seventeen but don't tell Captain von Trapp! >Tomas is 19, but has been out of school since his parents' death, >about two years, so he is in the same grade as Ranma. Joel: Grade AA Extra-Large. Mike : That's the last time I take self-help advice from Lyle and Erik Menendez... wonder how long the statute of limitations is? >I'm also making Hotaru 15 in this, but she goes to a different >school. Crow: The University of Michigan? Joel: Hamburger U? Mike: Stu Hart's "Dungeon"? >This is an alternate Sailor Moon universe, bet the changes are >pretty much in age. Tom: : Except for the fact that Sailor Mars is and shall be GOD. Whoooo, baby! Mike: Which means Tux-Boy is a 42 year old wuss? Okie dokie. Joel: And ironically enough, wearing dentures already. >In the Ranma Time-line it is about 14 months after the bombed >wedding. This is NOT an SI fic. Mike: And, god willing, not a CSI fic either. Joel: Amen to that. >From Weird to Weirder Mike: The Great Gonzo Story. Joel: As related by a series of tell-all interviews with Camilla. >A Ranma 1/2 and Sailor Moon Crossover By: Tomas Megerson. Send C & >C and flames to nighthawktm@yahoo.com Tom : I r-r-really need the h-h-heat! It's FREEZING over here! Joel: How about flaming C&C? Crow: Oooopah! >Chapter 2: School Daze Mike: Haruka Ten'ou shows up as Terry, determined to prove that she's "just one of the boys". Crow: As long as Dean Douglas isn't prominently involved in this... > Nodaka awoke from her peaceful sleep to the sound of fighting. >At first she was wondering what type of maniacs would be getting >into a brawl at six in the morning. Joel: Then she realized exactly who she married and went about finding the rest of her Demerol pills. Tom: Hey! Wrong house! We were looking for the Saotomes! >Deciding that it would be best to check on the matter before >calling the police, she got out of bed, put on her kimono, and >headed towards the stairs. Crow: Let's recap... she got up, got out of bed... dragged a comb across her head... Mike: She's the type that'd wear an evening dress to bed and a housecoat to a restaurant, isn't she? Tom : You bad boys! Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?! >It was at this point that she recalled that her son had finally >come home, and rushed to the backyard, fearing the worst. Crow : Crap... Genma's still here. Joel: A shantytown took up three-fourths of the yard and the vacant lot next to it as Nodoka was now knee-deep in fiancees for Ranma. Mike : About time you showed up! My wrist was getting sore from shaking the ice around my EMPTY glass of iced tea! >What she saw however left her in a total shock. Crow: Downed power lines! > There was her son, Ranma, in a fight of unspeakable >proportions with Tomas, his best friend. Crow : Just because the new character bears a slight resemblance to me *and* has my name, let's not jump to conclusions... > The fight, however, was only unspeakable if you had never seen >these two spar before. The two young men were moving so fast that >at times it seemed that their bodies blurred. Crow: Or at least the poor Korean animators finally received their tea break. Joel: Does that mean we're now watching a boy and his blob? Mike: So in closing, Nodoka made for a lousy play-by-play announcer. >Their hands and feet were blurring constantly, Tom: This just has to be an online advertisement for an optometrist, right? Joel : Gee, I wonder if my drinkin' affecting my sight? *hic* >achieving speeds that Ranma would have thought possible only with >the Armagurikan a year before. Tom: Gentlemen, we officially have.... a Dragonball fight scene. Crow: Groovy! Joel: So they're fighting really really fast? Is that what you're telling us? I just want to be sure that's what you telling us, right? Cause the fact that they fight fast is what you're telling us, right? >The battle between the two raged all over the yard. It soon took >them near the kio pond and *SPLASH* the two of them landed in. Tom: ...panda doo-doo. Crow: Deeper and deeper they fell as seaweed tangled their legs and the carp took to biting random fingers and toes. Mike : Hotohori! Help me..... >At this point Nodaka decided to get them to clean up for school. Joel: Nodoka went to the kitchen, fetched the bottle of "Dawn", and proceeded to the pond to pour half the bottle in. Tom : No horseplay in the tub you two! Crow : Now hold still while I wash your undies! Mike : Aww, but it's only Tuesday! > "Boys, that's enough playing around. You've both got to get into >the shower and clean up. School starts at 8:30 and you don't want >to be late on your first day. Joel : Y'know, if we're late enough, TOMORROW can be our first day! Tom : Now now, I wouldn't want that mean Saionji guy to bully you around! >You'll find your uniforms on your beds. Mike : The hell, Mom?! We're not ROTC! Crow : Oh yeah! Band Practice! Chin Strap Scar, here I come! Tom : Ha ha ha, very funny... I'm NOT wearing a sailor suit with a skirt! >Go get cleaned up now, and I'll start on breakfast." With that she >turned and headed into the house humming to herself. Mike: It's not Nodoka! It's Kasumi in drag! Joel: Waitaminute... >It was good to have her son back. Crow: But better to be da king. Mike: I'm sure he's outgrown that killing phase by now, right Henry? Joel: Just don't leave him home alone. Tom : I got my baby back, baby back, baby back, I got my... > Ranma and Tomas blinked at each other for a minuet or so in total >silence. Tomas broke it with a simple statement. Tom : Dude, was that supposed to be your mom? Mike : I'm still not sure... >"Ah kuso, not school! I haven't been there in years. I don't want >to start again." Joel: That's actually three statements including a Japanese modifier. Crow : My dreams were supposed to be my ticket out! Tom : What happens if someone ELSE places dibs on the Flintstone phone? I may never be able to show my face again! > "Well tough. If I've got to suffer, so do you. Besides, since >you dropped out we're in the same grade so its not like we won't >see each other. Crow: Tomas has to start school again, Ranma just said they're in the same grade... kindergarten for both of them? Mike : Join the crowd, man. >If we're lucky, we'll be in the same class. Come on, let's get >cleaned up. There's no avoiding it." Joel : I have a better idea, if you know what I mean Ranma... Tom: [singing] Ohhhhhh... yeah. Chika-chika! Baom baom... Mike : Where the hell did that music come from? And why am I wearing a Gordie Howe jersey? > "I know, but after two years its going to be hard to get used to >studding again. Tom: Tomas had many fond memories of Nadia, his favorite exchange student. Crow: Just when you thought it was safe to dive back into the gene pool, the original swingers are at it again! >I'll give her school, but there is no way that I'm putting on any >uniform. I don't care what school policies are, there is no way >that they will get me into one of those things. Mike: I wish him luck, he's NEVER going to find that exception coconut. Joel : If I can't go Goth, I ain't goin'. Now help me find my black mascara. Crow : I'll give her school but I'm keeping the moon for myself! >How 'bout you?" > "I can't disappoint mom. I haven't seen her in ten years after >all. All: [snickers] Joel: Sure thing, Norman. Lemme help sharpen your axe for you. >I guess I'll give the uniform a shot. This isn't Nerima so I >shouldn't have to worry about any fights. Joel: Not while we're living in Detroit, city of angels! Tom: They're gonna challenge him to... DANCE OR DIE! Crow: Dance Dance Revolution to the death, baby. Mike : Need somebody he'p me say it one more time! Na, na-na-na na, na-na-na na.... >A uniform couldn't kill me. And if I don't like it, I can switch >back tomorrow." Tom: This kinder, gentler Ranma is now available at Toys 'R' Us and all fine retail outlets. Crow: I give it six days before it's staining the bottom of the bargain bin. > "Sure, whatever, lets hit the shower. I want to get cleaned up for the first day. Got to impress the ladies you know." Joel : I'm not fully clean until I'm Zestfully clean. Tom : I never know when I'll be roped into yet another romantic scene with Hikaru, Umi, or Fuu... Mike : Can I actually chase some ladies this time too? I'm tired of merely providing the Bow-Chicka-Wow-Wow background noise. >The two young men (or better young man and young woman) headed to >the bathroom to get cleaned up. Crow: It was truly better than a sponge bath from the sink. Tom: With Nodoka following closely behind to wash behind Ranma's ears. Mike: Man, he wasn't even half this whipped in the Tendo household. Joel: No wonder Genma ran. >****************************************************************** Mike : Holy crap, Ranma, look at that dandruff! You should get some Head 'n Shoulders! Joel : But you never have dandruff, Tomas... Mike : I know! > As Ranma and Tomas walked to school in their normal clothing, Crow: We just spent the better part of five lines dedicated to Ranma's obsession with fulfilling his mother's wishes. For this? Joel : Do you think the leather tank top is just a bit too much? Tom : No, how about my spandex leggings? Mike: Geez, do these guys share the same toilet too or what? >they continued the discussion that they were having before called >to breakfast. Mike : So you really think we're just characters and all the world's a fanfic? Crow : Ehh, I have it on good authority. > "I can't believe that she got you a girls uniform. She actually >expected you to go in your cursed form. That has got to be one of >the funniest things that I have ever heard!" Tomas was breaking >up. All: [laughing] Mike: This is way beyond henpecked... and Ranma isn't even married to her! Joel : I want my manly son to strut his stuff and shake his moneymaker! If I condition him well enough, I can get him in pantyhose and shopping for clothes with me by the end of the week! >He couldn't believe it when he told him about it. Then listening >to him tell his mother that he wouldn't were the uniform was even >better. Crow : But it sets off your blue eyes so well, my son! It accentuates your hips and doesn't show off too much of your breasts! Tom: Poor Happosai, he just missed the moment of a lifetime. >Thankfully she relented and they were off. > "Get over it Tomas! Its NOT that funny!" Ranma was getting >ticked off. Here was his best friend and he was laughing at him. Mike : Look man, don't make me schedule you an appointment with some spare Nyannichuan. Crow : Yuk it up, clown boy. You're gonna have a "kick me" sign on your back so fast... > "Sure it is. But ... okay I'm sorry. I'll try to stay under >control. Joel : Boy, it'd help a lot if I could borrow a pair of your 'Control Tops'! HAHAHAHAhaha.... Mike: Keep it up Tomas and Ranma will whack you upside the head with his whalebone corset. Crow I wonder if Nodoka has Raggedy Ann and Andy outfits waiting for these poor schmoes at home. >Come on, lets use the fence. We need to get in our balancing >practice." The two of them hopped on the fence and continued on to >school. Mike : We've got practice if we're gonna have any chance of making Cirque du Soliel! Crow: Continuing a fine political tradition for the past seventy- five years... say hello to your Liberal Party of Canada! Tom, Joel : We live on the fence. > A few minuets later Tomas looked back at Ranma and started a new >conversation. Crow : So which is it, Ranma? Boxers or panties? Joel : Why you..... >"So, Ranma, what do you know about the Juuban district? You never >got around to telling me anything about this place." Mike : Beware of the rent on Boardwalk 5-Chome, it's dangerous. Joel : Fifteen solid blocks of 7-11 and a JR station. Big whoop. Tom : We're next to the Hellmouth, I hope you brought your Necronomicon. > "Its got a reputation for strangeness. Mike: For heaven's sake, can anyone name a Sailor Moon story that DOESN'T refer to Juuban like this? Joel : But hell, so does that weird house on 1313 Mockingbird Lane. Tom : All through the district there are wild bands of cats with bandages on their heads. If you value your life and manhood do NOT touch ANY of them, y'hear? >Almost as bad as Nerima sometimes. I've seen things in the news >about monsters and girls in short skirts who fight them. Tom: So then Happosai will miss the moments of TWO lifetimes. Crow : Girls, you say? Well now, I'd better take another shower and introduce myself. >Personally, I think it's just a news prank or publicity stunt. The >monsters are among the goofiest things I've ever heard of." Joel : They're forever teaching people English letters and numbers! Watch out for the cloying cute red one with large eyes and a nose! If you tickle it, it'll never leave! Crow: Edward D. Wood Jr. was seen lurking around the area. > "Well then, maybe we should give them a little taste of what >we're made of. Mike : And in your case, I'd guess that to be a large dose of sugar and spice. Tom: The sooner Ranma hauls off and sucker-punches Tomas, the better. Crow: This whole fanfic could use a heel-turn or three at this point... >Imagine its surprise if we hit it with some ki blasts. It would >certainly be different from girls in skirts." Joel: Especially if they were to reflect that energy right back at you. Crow: They'd be turned into drooling ninnies either way, I'd guess. >All of a sudden Tomas leapt into the air landing on the sidewalk. Crow : Ten-yen coin! Woohoo! Joel : I found a golden tic-ket! Mike: He's gonna find Mamie O'Rourke and start trippin' the light fantastic... >Even as Ranma looked up he saw a dozen burly men surrounding them. Tom : Who is it? Joel : Goons. Tom : Who? Joel : Hired goons. Crow : Oh no! Manly men in tights! Strolling out of the forest looking for fights! >He noticed that they all had a similar tattoo and guessed that they >were a part of a gang. Mike: Navy SEALS? Joel : Oh no! That grape sucker tattooed to their forearms marks them as one of the most insidious groups known to man! Tom : Who are they?! Joel : THE LOLLIPOP GUILD!! NO!!! >As soon as he took this in, he started listening to what his friend >was yelling at them. Joel : ...and then Ranma called you a bunch of gutless momma's boys! Oh, I tried to stop him but he just laughed! Now teach him a lesson! > "What the hell do you bastards think your doing!? Get the hell >out of our way! We're NOT going to be late for our first day of >school. Move right NOW!" Mike : We'ah bahck an' moah Austrah-lian thahn evah! Joel : Nobody leaves 'till they sing the blues! >Tomas was pissed. He was actually beyond pissed. Crow: He was pooped? Tom: And he hadn't even started fighting yet. Joel : Oooh, I'm very very angry! Mike: And this time, he's OUT for REVENGE. Tomas IV: Murder Death Kill. This time it's more than personal. >If he were Akane he would be mallet happy right now. Tom: [hums the hammer theme from Donkey Kong] Joel: And if he were Gallagher, he'd be melon crazy and horribly unfunny. >The fact that these men (and he used the term loosely) would get in >his way (and take a cheap pot shot at him) on his way to his first >day back to school in years ticked him off. Crow: This was the same character that wouldn't go to school if a *uniform* was involved, now he's ticked off that he can't go. Joel : The only thing standing between me and the Nobel Prize is sitting right in front of my face. The only thing between my scholarship, my academic glory, and me happens to be YOU... AND YOU WON'T BE THERE LONG! Mike: [sniffles] Ami Mizuno would be proud... Tom: Speaking of which, where ARE the Senshi de Navê? > Crow: Hey, you're the one that flipped the proverbial bird. We're just along for the ride. > "This is snakes' ground little boy, and any who pass through it >got to pay the toll. All: [laughs] Joel : A toll is a toll. And a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, we don't eat no rolls. I made that up meself just then! Tom: [singing] I like to be in To-ki-yo! O.K. by me in To-ki-yo! Ev'rything free in To-ki-yo/ For a small fee in to-KI-yo! Mike: You'd never believe who they've hired to enforce municipal bond repayment these days. >Just hand us all your money and you can go without a scratch." The >ugly guy in front started to laugh. Tom noticed that he was >missing a couple of teeth. Joel: Just mere days after his divorce with Angelina Jolie, Billy Bob Thornton was reduced to threatening foreigners for money on the streets of Tokyo. Crow: Think they're bushwhackers? Mike: Only if they start licking Tomas' head. > Mike: I'd be guessing like a random member of the Vancouver Canucks. Tom: [singing] ...you don't wannn-na have to winnnnd-up/ Eating all of your food through a straw-haw-aw! Joel: These are the kind of thoughts you WANT to worry about before getting in a fight. >He also noticed that Ranma was next to him instead of on the fence. >His response was not what the gang expected, nor did they like the >look in his eyes. Tom, Crow : We were expecting lights, music, a flashy dance number, and girls with skimpy clothes! Rrrrowwl! Joel: So they immediately being bawling like babies to throw the boys off their game again. > "Alright, a fight. This is going to be fun. Hey Ranma, person >with the least knockouts buys the other lunch." Tom: George Foreman would've killed for rules like those. Mike : Do TKO's count? What about points on the scorecard? Does a count stop or continue after a round ends? > "You're on Tomas. I hope you enjoy paying for it." With that >they both got into their respective fighting stances. Crow: One Crane Kick stance and one fetal position. Joel : Okay... Simon says... one hand on your stomach, one hand on your opposite shoulder, and one leg straight out! Mike: Sure, Tomas feels good at first but then you need more and more and before you know it, you're selling off kidneys. >******************************************************************* Mike: Wow, Ranma and Tomas must've really been pummeled to see that many stars. > "Chikuso, we're late for school!" yelled the boy in the denim >jacket. Tom: Chikuso? It's the Beam of Flying Shi-... Mike: Hokay, that's enough of that. >The two of them then jumped on the fence and took off at an >incredible rate. Crow : Tomas, we've been running up here for fifty-five minutes. I've seen these same houses about three hundred times! Shouldn't we have crossed a road or something? Joel : How should I know? I'm just following that guy with the yellow and black bandanna up ahead! >Makoto then realized that she was also going to be late and set off >at a run to Juuban High. Her thoughts kept drifting back to the >young men and how much they looked like her old boyfriend. Mike: How ironic. She's running and that's a gag. >******************************************************************* Crow: Darryl Strawberry's looking at that last line like, "Whoa, man... my computer's tellin' me somethin'!" > Usagi was late for school. This in itself was not unusual. Nine >times out of ten she was making her mad dash to Juuban High. Mike: It was always the tenth time, when she was running to Roppongi, that always ended in her embarrassment. Joel: I fail to see why this girl is not on a track and field team. Tom: A-ko always seems to beat her in the heats. Joel: Oh. >Her thoughts were locked on avoiding detention when a pair of blurs >passes her. Crow : Holy crap... they've gone to PLAID! Joel: Are we talking smudges, swipes, or just your run-of-the-mill smears? >Looking closely she saw what appeared to be school bags on their >backs. She was about to dismiss them as another pair of late >arrivals when a thought hit her. Mike : Hmm, maybe... pink bunnies have bite! Crow : How come we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway? Joel : Oww! Hey, no bitchslapping! Stupid brain. >Usagi skidded to a halt and gasped. "They were running on the >fence!" Tom: Not quite as impressive as dancing on the ceiling but they deserve *some* credit. Joel : And it's barbed wire too... doesn't that hurt? >******************************************************************* Mike: What happened to the Lollipop Guild anyway? Crow: They got licked. Tom: How many licks did it take to get to their gooey centers, anyway? Joel: I think the world would be happier not knowing... >Minako was not her normal bubbly self. She was extremely tired. Crow: She was the on-call ER doctor at "St. Elsewhere". Tom: Maybe she partook of the bubbly a little too much last evening? >the extra sleep. Just because she likes school shouldn't mean she >has to inflict it on me.> Joel : Well, the early bird becomes the bookworm! Tom : Bite me, I'm sleepy. Joel : Keep it up and you'll end up Dopey as well. Tom : Mind if I Doc you a good one? > Minako Aino, a girl with blonde hair to her waist and beautiful >blue eyes, was almost as bad a Usagi when it came to getting to >school. Mike: All this and more on the next "Lifestyles of the Blonde and Chronically Late"! >Her friends took turns going to her house to wake her up. She >turned to regard one of her best friends. Crow : Is it my imagination or have you put on a couple stones, Thing? Joel Hey, I haven't gained any weight! That's a mean thing to say to ol' Ben Grimm! >Ami was slightly shorter and had blue hair cut short. Mike: She was reading a short story while shorting her circuits and in short order she'd be shorting a stock. >The two of them were sitting under a tree in the front of the >building. Minako about to give Ami a piece of her mind about >dragging her to school early when two figures appeared in front of >her. Tom : Help us! Two guys back there brutally killed a number of our friends! Mike : They were both maniacs! We asked if they had any loose change and suddenly we were getting the snot beat out of us! >One of them was wearing a red chines shirt and black pants. His >hair was in a pig tail and as black as a stallion's main. Crow: No, not the green stallions. Or the brown ones. Look, it's a nondescript stallion, okay? Mike: How about as black as a Mustang's exhaust? >The other was a number of inches taller. He had a denim jacket >over a black shirt, jeans, and a black cap on backwards with his >sandy blonde bangs hanging out. Mike: Damn I look good... guh, I mean... h-he looks good! Yeah! Heh heh... definately not me... heh.... Joel : Oooh, Zack's so dreeeamy! Crow: Maybe it's Cale Tucker? > The one with the cap on started to speak. Joel: Hi, I'm child-proof! Tom: Someone was carrying a chicken? Mike: No, not the capon, the "cap... on". > "Excuse me, but you are the most incredible girl that I have ever >seen. Tom: [singing] Did you happen to see, the most beautiful girl in the world? Joel: And will Minako be crying, crying shortly? >Your beauty is like the rising sun on my cold life. Please say >that you will allow me to take you on a date." Tom : I would DATE with thee, beautiful blonde-haired girl! Crow : Man, can't you keep your hormones under control for even five minutes? Mike: I wonder if Tomas tried to hit on Ranma's girl side at some point. Joel: If so, I'm sure Ranma's girl side would've hit back. > Minako blushed deeply and was about to reply when a pair of >snapping fingers in front of her face brought her back to reality. Tom: Hey bab-ay, dig dat crazy beat! Joel : Y'know George, it started back before the beginning of time. When the windy wind blew through the trees... and banged against the rocks... creating a BEAT! Mike: Lanny Toe Basqueemps Albano is involved somewhere in this, isn't he? > "'scuse me, but are you alright? I asked you if this was Juuban >High?" Tom: Sheesh, she's so baked she couldn't even give you the country she's in right now. Joel : How many fingers am I holding up? Crow : Uhh... eighteen? > Minako, blushing even more because of her dream replied with a >stuttering yes and watched the two figures as they entered the high >school. Mike: They'd better hurry, Superintendent Strickland is on the prowl again... Crow: And I'm sure Mrs. Grundy would be awfully disappointed in them. >They even give Mamoru a run for his money in the looks department.> Joel: Hoo boy, I fervently hope that *isn't* foreshadowing. Tom: Hey, why not? Tomas as Tux-boy II would be interesting footage. Crow: To say the least. >"Hey, Ami, what do you think about those two guys?" Mike : Well, Lanny Toe's kinda strange... > Looking up Ami frowned. She looked but didn't see anyone around. >"Which guys are those?" She had never looked up from her book. Joel : Now where was I... oh, here! "The world is supposed to be full of possibilities, but they narrow down to pretty few in most personal experience. There's lots of good fish in the sea...maybe...but the vast masses seem to be mackerel or herring, and if you're not mackerel or herring yourself, you are likely to find very few good fish in the sea..." >******************************************************************* Joel: And that would make those starfish, right? Mike: *Can* it, Kip Adotta. > "Hey, Ranma, did you see the way that blonde was looking at me? >I was afraid that her head was going to explode from all the blood >rushing to her head." Crow : Ooooohhaaaagggghhh, whatta rush! Tom : I'm sure you could probably say the same thing, hentai. > "What do you mean Tomas? Except for looking a bit hot she seemed >fine to me. She really ought to take care of that sunburn, >though." Mike : Ehh, I'd look three times hotter in a string bikini than she would any day. Crow : Us fair-skinned girls have that curse and we'll carry it for life! > Tomas facefaulted. He couldn't believe what he just heard. Was >his best friend that dense when it came to women? Tom: Actually, we'd be willing to bet that he knows far more about women than you do, Tomas. Crow: Okay now. He's a woman part-time, he NOW has a beautifully overbearing mother, and you're asking if he's interested in girls? >He hoped not. He quickly picked himself up and started towards the >main office, right behind Ranma. By the time he got there Ranma >was in a deep argument with the secretary. Tom : How come no one will believe me?! Joel : We can't all be in a fanfic! If you're going to argue that, you have to at least set some ontological guidelines first! Tom : But wouldn't that explain that weird gang scene earlier? Joel : Come on now, you can't move into specific examples of your theory before you even prove it! > "Look, do I seem like a girl to you? I don't care what those >records say. Joel : Satan does not eat Cheez Whiz! Crow : Damn your Steely Dan, do I look like one of the Babylon Sisters? Huh?! >Here, look at my transcripts from Frunkin High. Mike: Flunkin' High? No wonder it seemed Ranma and Akane were there for the better part of five years. Tom : Oh, really? How come your records are on the back of a ukelele? And what's this surfboard doing here? Joel : Uhh, that one has my attendance on it... >They'll tell you I'm a guy." He then handed a file folder that he >had pulled from his bag. Crow : Oh my....... this is the Caramilk recipe! Who are you and what do you want with me?! Tom : We're the Men in Dark Chocolate, ma'am. You're coming with us. >The secretary looked it over and saw that it was the same except >for the gender. Joel: In the folder was a long affidavit from Dr. Katz explaining how "fragile" Ranma was about this issue. Tom: Maybe Nodoka called ahead to Furinkan to have Ranma's records changed? Mike: Considering Principal Kuno... Tom : Gender: blue? Does that make you Marlene Angel? >She then gave Ranma his schedule and grumbled about "those damned >computers." Tomas gave her a once over and stepped forward. Tom : Step back, miss! For I carry... BRAINBENCH CERTIFICATION! Joel : Oooh, my hero! > "Pardon me, but I am also a new student here. My name is Tomas >Megerson. Tom : My turnons are blonde Sailor Senshi and tapioca, and my favorite number is six. Crow: Thrill as the registration continues even longer than a MDA telethon! >May I please have my schedule." > > "Such a polite young man. Let me see... ah here it is. Have a >good first day of school." Tom : Ahh, yes. Watch out for the head of the Kendo club, I hear he's a nut. And his sister, in rhythmic gymnastics... what a kook! They just transferred here too... Crow: I'd be more afraid that Billy Madison is currently registered in my class. > "Thank-you. Lets go Ranma." The two of them than headed down >the hall. Mike: So that they could have an average weekend. Crow : I will crush his face right now! > "Hey, Tomas, what was with all that good boy stuff. You've never >acted like that before." Joel : It's called sucking up, and if you learn it too you'll get at least half a letter grade per semester! > "I just didn't want her to get mad at me too. I thought I'd try >being polite, that's all. Mike : You get more flies from honey than horsecrap, Ranma. Crow : Lemme show you which one ends up much messier on your clothes, Tomas. >She looked like she was having a bad day as it is already. Say, >I'm in room 314, you?" Joel : Hmm, it looks like my teacher is... uhh, Pete Dixon in room 222. > Ranma opened his schedule for the first time. "I'm in the same >room as you. That's great, we won't be split up for the whole day. >Should be just up ahead. Well, Tomas, are you ready to start >school?" Crow : Ready? I just massacred the Crips for my seat in class, baby! Of course, if it has ANYTHING to do with a uniform down the road, I'm so outta here! > "Not one bit, but lets do it anyway. Won't be the first time I >did something I didn't want to." Mike: What? So you're saying the Crips died not out of your love for academia but for a LIE?!? >Ranma opened the door and the two of them stepped into the class >room. Tom : Hey Arvid, check it out! New meat! Joel : Pipe down back there, I'm trying to take notes! >******************************************************************* Mike: The lake effect's getting heavy. Joel: Finally, the last star is installed on Michael Jackson's dressing room as the maintenance workers breathe a sigh of relief. > Rei was not in a good mood. Crow: Poor dear, lack of sleep from playing Grand Theft Auto 3 will do that to you. Tom : ...must complete mission.. must complete... HEY! WHO'RE YOU TRYING TO TALK TO?! Make the room stop spiiiniiing..... YAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! >She had been having this nagging feeling since the night before. >She had tried to do a fire reading on it, but the only images that >would come where of a horse and a phoenix. Joel: Maybe it was a Denver Bronco and an Arizona Cardinal. Crow: How about a Dodge Charger and a Pontiac Firebird? >It made no sense to the young Shinto priestess in training then, >and it didn't make any now. Crow: However, it did make sense to two crazy people in this mixed- up world. >She was contemplating sleeping through class for once when the door >opened. Two young men, neither in uniform, came through. The >teacher turned around to regard them. Tom : Come now, you two. No streaking in school, okay? Mike : But we wanted to be the fastest things on two feet! Boogedy waaah! > "Can I help you gentlemen?" The teacher gave them a disapproving >look for interrupting the class. Joel : Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon? > "Yes, we're new students and have been assigned to this class" >said the one with the cap. A number of girls in the class started > to mummer among themselves. Crow : Score! The curve has just been made a little easier! Tom : Teachers will be looking over THEIR shoulders just a little more! Joel: It's morning in Japan... >Rei noted that the one who spoke had a slight, almost sarcastic >smile on his lips. Joel : Greaaaaat, another hacker. More endless conversations about Slashdot, Everquest, and MegaTokyo. > The teacher then asked for them to introduce themselves to the >class. The one in red spoke first. Joel: The Scarlet Pimpernel! Mike : Sacre tonnerre, it is feared that this is the accursed Englishman himself! > "Hi, I'm Ranma Saotome and I'm a martial artist." Tom: What, did this become Martial Artists Anonymous on us? > "I'm Tomas Megerson. Like Ranma I practice the martial arts. Crow : I am the acknowledged master of The Three Fists of Stooge. Whoop whoop whoop. >I'm also into a few sports but only for recreation, not for a >team." Mike : Afraid to take on our best competition? Crow : No!! No, ahem, I don't want to lose my amateur status... Joel: Maybe it's because he just doesn't play well with others. Tom: He really seems to dig the chicks... Joel: Gotta be the showers in the locker room then. > "Well, then,"the teacher continued," would you mind telling me >why your late to class? Being new is no excuse." Tom : And ignorance of the law is no defense! The discipline has been BRO-KEN in this class, and we must RESTORE the FAITH and the SACRED CONNNNTRACT that exist between tea-chah an' student! Joel : Testify brother. Tom : Can I get an AAAAAAmen, can I get a hallelujah? Mike, Crow : NO! > "Before Ranma could put his foot in his mouth Tomas spoke up. >"We're sorry, but there was a problem with the computers in the >office. It took them a while to find our scheduals." Tom: Thankfully, Oliver Wendall Jones and his Banana 6000 were called in to troubleshoot. Crow : Silly receptionist, the records were behind the couch the whole time! > "Very well, but don't be late again. Tomas, you sit in front of >Ms. Hino in the third row. Ranma, you're in the second seat in the >first row by the window." Joel : Maalox... thankfully still in my front shirt pocket. Tom: What did happen to Haruna-sensei anyway? > "Thank-you sensei." Ranma spoke. He started to move toward his >indicated seat when the teacher spoke again. Joel : Whoops, the music stopped! You're out, Ranma! Mike : D'oh! > "Also, you two need to get uniforms. I don't know why you didn't >wear any today, but you better have them tomorrow." Crow : Screw it then, book learnin' is for drones and dweebs! Joel: Certainly, the pervading theme is "uniforms". > Rei heard Tomas mumble something about not being caught dead in a >school uniform, but the teacher didn't notice. Mike: Tomas' legs are just all wrong for those skirts. Joel : The siren song of conformity will NEVER reach me! >All of a sudden her mystic senses started blaring. Crow Danger, Will Robinson! Crossover territory ahead! Tom: She must've been bitten by a radioactive youma. >From what she could tell these two new students were the cause of >the nagging sensations going on in her head. Tom: Either that or the student behind her who REALLY wants that note passed. Crow: Maybe Rei is giving birth to Athena? >As she stared at Tomas' back she heard a soft sound. He was >snoring. Mike: And you're sure that he didn't go on a training trip with Genma? Joel: He's IN SCHOOL, on his OWN TERMS, NO darned UNIFORM, and after he massacres the Lollipop Guild over them making him late... HE SLEEPS RIGHT THROUGH IT?!? Tom: You just know someone's going to blame television for this. >Glancing over she noticed Ranma doing the same. sleep through class like this?! Crow : Been there, done that, seen "Summer School". Tom : And we'll stay asleep until we watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre! >They're worse than Usagi is! They don't even try to hide the fact >they're asleep!> Fortunately for the two martial artists the >teacher didn't care. Crow : I'm just an overtrained babysitter, dammit. I'm not paid to care. Mike : When they come to a point in their lives where they CAN'T factor an integer... I'll be laughing. And laughing. Like this... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! >He let them sleep through class and then past the lunch bell. >Eventually the only ones in the room were Ranma, Rei, and Tomas. Tom: Why, did Rei fall asleep too? Joel: Her mystic alarm takes the better part of three hours to process. Mike: Man, she should've moved to McAfee when she had the chance. >if I can find out anything from their chi.> Tom: Just don't try to look for their 'chi-kuso', I've heard it can get pretty messy. Crow: I see two people who should phase out "early morning practice", unless they're going to be Kung Fu: The Next Generation. Joel : Engage, grasshopper. >Rei was just about to probe Tomas when he was no longer in his >chair. Mike : Hey man, Will Smith told me about people like you! ALIEN! ALIEN! >******************************************************************* Joel : This fall, it's an all star lineup on U62! Tom : Be there! Aheheheheyeah. > Tomas was having a peaceful dream. He was in a world were his >parents were still with him and he was eating his mother's >wonderful cooking. Crow : Wow Mom, you could even make a shoe taste good! Joel : What do you *think* Dad fished from the reservoir, beluga caviar? >All too soon for him, his danger sense slammed on and his body went >into action. Mike: I certainly hope he doesn't end up jamming the bolt action again. Tom: The full-auto suppression might become fubar'ed if he's not careful. >His eyes snapped open and took in his surroundings. Crow : Vietnam. Three AM. I had three willie-petes left, a clip and a half, and an acre full of Charlies between me and the base. >sides which means the danger's behind me. Tom : I'm always feelin' like... somebody's watchin' me! Crow: [falsetto] And I have no privacy! >Better move 'fore I get hit.> He turned his body sideways so his >legs were out from under the table. He then bent back and did a >hand spring propelling him two rows away, landing in a defensive >stance. Mike: Leaving him COMPLETELY vulnerable to a projectile attack. Joel : Eat your heart out, Nadia Comaneci. >His eyes ripped around the room, but he didn't see anything. Joel: Detachable eyes with a flight servo and automatic brain updating? Wow... Crow: Awe-some! Tom: Joel, we want those mods too! >is in a state of shock, and the rest of the room is empty. What's >going on?> Mike: Yes, it is finally revealed that Tomas' danger is in fact... hemorrhoids. Tom: I guess the Sailor Senshi are still getting grilled by Judge Brainitite. > "What's going on? Where is everyone?" Tomas was confused. Mike: Carmelita must've got 'em. >His danger sense wasn't going off anymore so it was safe. Joel: Then why'd it go off IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Crow: Gluons, hadrons, and leptons aren't a world crisis, Tomas. >Still he stayed in his defensive stance. Crow: For five days. Tom: He became stiff around day three, but Ranma pinch-hit with a can of WD-40. Mike : Did rigor mortis set in yet? Joel : Yeech, I hope not. He's still on top of my desk. > Rei was also confused, but for a different reason. get over there? Tom: It's known as the floor exercise, Rei. Crow : Oh, so they are awake! Did you enjoy nappy time, kiddies? >Did he teleport or something? What is he?> Mike: Well, we're reasonably sure he's not a dragon... Crow: Tomas wasted the better part of seven battle points on this one. >She decided that she should answer his question, and maybe get him >to open up. "It's lunch time. The teacher decided to let you >sleep. Crow : And I call this student "Prelude to a Flunking." Joel : SSSSHHHhhh! There's... the... white rabbit. Be very quiet.... >I was, uh, just about to try to wake you up." Mike : Of course I wouldn't draw on your face with the five Sharpies I have hidden behind my back! Crow : And there's no way I'd glue your head to your elbow! Joel : And I would never DREAM of handcuffing you to your desk! > danger sense. Tom: And it also activated Tomas' built-in lie detector! Joel: Wow! Is there anything Navi can do that Tomas can't? >Still, she's not threatening me right now, so I guess it's all >right. Besides, she's kinda cute.> Mike: This is the kind of thinking that leads directly to a Samson- and-Delilah type moment. Tom : So what if she's actively trying to kill me? I'll get to know her, take her out, maybe marry her and have kids... and always sleep with one eye open! >He dropped his stance and gave the girl a once over. Joel : I'm up here, pervert! Crow: *SLAP!!* >"Uh, I'm afraid that I can't recall your first name, Hino-san. >Would you mind telling me, I'm Tomas." Joel : Line #2! I'm listening. > "I'm Rei. It is a pleasure to meet you Tomas-san." > > "Likewise, but don't be so formal. Crow : Fine. How's it hangin', cracker? Mike : Hey, 'ho, it's swingin' low and free. >Hey, you said it was lunchtime. Would you mind joining me? I'd >really like the company and it would be nice to have a new friend. Tom : My friend the big purple dinosaur says that I really should get out more often and find friends. Will you be my friend? Mike: Hoo boy, he's lucky he doesn't have to find ten thousand of 'em. >I don't have that many." > > "What about your friend over there. Shouldn't you wake him?" Crow : Oh, Bernie? Well, the whole joke is that he DOESN'T get up! Funny, isn't it? > "Ranma? Nah, let him sleep. Besides, I, uh well I kinda lost a >bet to him earlier and owe him lunch. Joel : Don't wake him up yet! I haven't found enough worms! >I don't have enough on me to pay for two of us. If I let him >sleep, then I don't have to worry about it until later." Mike : I'm a cheater who welshes on his bets! Let's be best pals! Joel : Sorry, I already have a friend like that... right, Chuck Conaway? > "That's no a nice thing to do. I'm going to wake him up." As >Rei took her first step towards Ranma, Tomas grabbed her arm and >turned her around. Crow : You had me at hello, dammit! Joel : And if you don't get your hands off me NOW, there won't be a rope long enough to reach into the hole they'll thrown you in, bub. >She was about to scream at him to take his hands off of her when >she saw a desperate look in his eyes. It shocked her so much that >her anger left her before it could surface. Tom : Wow, he's really desperate... and if I don't save him soon, he's going to propose to Bea Arthur! > "Please, don't! He eats a lot. Mike: Insert your favorite Oprah Winfrey joke here. >I've only got enough for one person right now. There is no way I >could buy him lunch and still have some money left over to feed me. Crow: Yes folks, marvel as the third major plot point is now regarding lunch. Tom: Compared to the first one, "going to school", and the second one, "beating up on the Lollipop Guild", I'm certainly in for more hot financial action! Mike: Why don't I just show you graphs of Imelda Marcos' impact on the Texas beef cattle herds? >Don't worry, I promise to pay him back after school." Joel : I'll gladly have Tomas pay Tuesday for a hamburger today... > Rei didn't know why, but she believed him. He was making his >friend sound almost like Usagi when it came to eating. Tom: See? See guys, he IS a tragic hero. Crow : Hmm, he does look familiar... wasn't that the boy that tried to steal the embryos from Jurassic Park and ended up spat upon? > "I suppose that I can be >persuaded to let him sleep, but you owe me." > > "Fine, no problem, name it." Crow : Lunch! Today! Joel : D'oh! > "To start with, your going to eat lunch with me and some friends >of mine. I'm sure that they would be happy to meet you. We can >work out the rest later." Mike : If you'd like, I can have Nabiki write us up a helluva contract. Joel: And now it's going to devolve into an even weirder crossover, with Tomas as a genie and Rei enlisting in the Japanese Space Corps. >with me.> Thinking about it, the looks on Minako's and Makoto's >faces should be worth it. Crow : Rei! He looks great as your next servant! When's he going in for emasculation? Tom : After the "Property of Hikawa Shrine" tattoo gets drawn on his forehead. Joel : Eep. Mike : Welcome to the club, fresh meat. > "Hey that sounds great. Come on, lets go. I'm starved." With >that his hand switched from holding her arm to gently taking her >elbow so he could escort her to lunch. Tom : Hey, what about the rest of me?! Crow: This must be the dinner version of "Waiting for Godot's Plot". >All through this Ranma slept in peaceful slumber. Joel: While visions of sugarplums danced in his head! > Rei was in total bliss. Here she was heading to have lunch with >her friends (and fellow Senshi) while on the arm of one of the best >looking guys in school. Mike: Boy, would THIS be interesting if Tomas turned out to be a youma. Joel: Senshi on one side, Ranma on the other, Tomas in the middle... naah, too different. >She had found out that he was 19 years old, but had been out of >school since his parents died a couple of years ago. They had just >gotten their food and had stepped out the door looking for Rei's >friends when all hell broke loose. Crow : WHERE... IS... MY LUNCH, YOU BASTARD?!? Mike : Uhh... right where you left it? >******************************************************************* Grape Nuts? You call that lunch? >"Here Usagi, you can have the rest of my lunch, I'm not very >hungry." Joel : Oh no! Mind if I take it, we're running a lunch telethon this afternoon! Crow : Even if it's a single French fry, a piece of a hot dog, or two ounces of cola... donate to the Ranma Lunch Fund! Every little bit counts! > "Alright! Thanks Mako-chan. Mmph ulrg grunb this is urmph >good!" Usagi's day just went from bad to good. She had been late >to school and was sent to the principal's office. Tom : Dat keiki's hair is even weirda' den MINE! She be geddin' a buzzcut yeah! >Then she had gotten a lecture on being to class on time and >something she had never thought of before; Tom: Janitorial services? Crow: Pin-up calendar posing? >she had to come to school an hour early for morning detention for >the next three days. Joel : Aww crap. Why don't you just make me watch the marching band practice or something? >But now, Makoto (the best cook Usagi knows) was giving her the >huge, delouse lunch that was now before her. Mike: It was given a bath in Rid. Crow: Or maybe Makoto enlisted the services of a passing chimpanzee? Joel : You let Bonzo paw through my beef and Ed handle my eggplant! Makoto!! >Without a thought she dug in. It was all going great until a >shadow fell over the girls. Tom : IN THE NAME OF MY STOMACH, I CLAIM ALL OF YOUR LUNCHES! MWAHAHAHAHA!! Crow: It's Lunch Raider, Volume 2! Mike: And number one is...? Crow: The Rosie O'Donnell version. Mike: Ahh. >They looked up and gasped in shock. There was the biggest (and >ugliest) youma that they had ever seen. Mike, Joel, Crow : It's George "The Animal" Steele!! Crow : And he's got "Mine"! What IS that, anyway? >And one of its clawed hands was streaking toward Minako's throat! Crow: Maybe it's one of the last Hobgoblins? Mike: Naw, it's gotta be a forced-perspective "tracker dinosaur". >____ Joel: And graphically portrayed, the gash across Minako's neck. >Webpage: http://www.tmffa.com/old/x-from_weird_to_weirder.html > >Other pages: http://www.crosswinds.net/~ladycosmos/x-over.html Tom: Or just look for us on Google under "not an SI"! Crow: Whew, that was fun... Mike: Even better if we'd have been given the first part of this. Joel: Shall we begin on the review, then? Tom: Sure! Ranma's new relationship with his mother is just plain creepy. Especially the uniform. I know she's out of practice being a mother, but I don't think she's *that* rusty... Mike: And I'll grab the middle by saying... "the snakes"? What?! A random run-in fight, okay. But it'd be great if it was plausible. Add to this the fact that the grand majority of crime doesn't occur in the morning, *before school*, because there's a lot of witnesses around... Crow: And the end, which segues to the beginning. For not being an SI, this character seems to have all the hallmarks of an SI. Fights Ranma to draws, "danger sense" coupled with gymnastic moves, seduces random Sailor Senshi... it's just that characters have to build up at least a bit of believability before they're allowed to get away with this much. Joel: Okay... anything else to add? Mike: Yeah! Makoto's old sempai... and you KNOW who you are... it's time for you to pay for some THERAPY for the poor girl! Crow: Darn jiggy! Tom: Let's get out of here... ---Satellite of Love Tom activated the link to Deep Thirteen. After a couple of buzzes, the face of Dr. Forrester finally showed up in the viewscreen. "And what do we want today? A fresh batch of Dubble Bubble?" "No sir, I think I'd like to help you as a matter of fact." Dr. F sneered and inquired, "How would you be doing that, I challenge?" Tom looked around the satellite. He edged closer to Cambot and whispered, "I would like to spread some pain around. Not only up here, but down there on Earth too." "Oh, really?" Dr. Forrester challenged. "I'm intrigued. What's the plan?" "Something that will not only make the world that much more polluted, it will also scatter innumberable weapons around the Satellite of Love. I'm speaking of... paper!" Dr. F rubbed his chin. "Paper? Explain, if you could." "Well sir, think about the number of nasty paper cuts alone. Between that and the slippage potential, I'm sure that you'll be hearing pain sometime in the very near future! And I'll take my pain WITH another acre of the trees of the world, if you could! Trees just get in the way of every major metropolitan skyline!" "I like the way you think. How many reams do you want?" Dr. F inquired. "Oh, about five or six should cover my reading potential..." Tom trailed off. "It'll be that much more fun if you charge it to Mike's credit card! Ready for the numbers?" "Don't worry about that," Dr. F replied, "I've had those numbers for the better part of a year now. I'll just add this order to the one that Frank made. Something about the Great American Novel..." Dr. F looked toward Frank, still lounging peacefully on the couch. "And while you make the little robot's order up, Frank, please be a dear and push the button?" --POOF!-- "And while you're at it, Frank, make a note. We must study the evil applications of pressed wood pulp." o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..." All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully appreciated and accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com Toldja I'd be riffing some more. I hope this piece of MSTing was enjoyable, and I thank Mr. Megerson again for his gracious approval for me to "make literary comments" on it, so to speak. Three weeks is a new record, especially since much of it was spent just waiting to hear back from Megane 6.7 for his input on this project. Yes, I have been reading a ton and a half of online comics lately as well, this is what happens when you sit in front of a computer for ten hours daily with decently long stretches of free time. (For a job, I swear!) My kudos to the artist of Dominic Deegan, Oracle for Hire, Mr. Michael Terracciano, and also to the artist of Sparkling Generation Valkyrie Yuuki, Kittyhawk. And of course, my friend Jack Acid, for drawing Upstate and keeping a links page. ^^ And most importantly, I thank Megane 6.7 for all of the support that he has offered me as I finally have passed the ten MSTs mark. It has been almost three years now since I have met him and I'm glad to have collaborated on so many projects with him. If any of you reading this have NOT read Megane 6.7's MSTs, you should do yourself a favor and do so. His work and mine can both be found at: http://www.nabiki.com/mst In the interest of self-promotion, I am still working on some straight fanfiction as well, so for all of you poor writers who've wanted to try MSTing some of my stuff for a change, I'm working on it! Special thanks to: Teachers of America (and the world!) The Authors of the 1st Amendment Best Brains American Cancer Society >Even as Ranma looked up he saw a dozen burly men surrounding >them. He noticed that they all had a similar tattoo and guessed >that they were a part of a gang. Keep Circulating the Fanfics...