AN INTERVIEW WITH THE MASTER
(A Ranma 1/2 Interview)
A look into the life and times of Happosai.
From the Desk of Megane 6.7
This is a work of Fiction. All Characters and Landmarks, with the
exception of Megane 6.7, are the property of Rumiko Takahashi,
Shogakukan Video, Kitty Films, Viz Video, Shonen Sunday, and
anyone else who legally owns the rights.
Warning: This is not a lemon story but I am not responsible for what
my guests may or may not say in this and any future interviews I may
conduct. If anyone is offended by anything said here, blame the guest,
not me! Besides, it's all in good fun and no offense is intended.
I got this idea from reading Webdragon's past interviews and I
acknowledge that my inspiration for this piece came from him.
Historian's Note: This interview took place during Christmas of 1996.
Megane 6.7: Greetings. I'm here today with what many consider to
be one of the most evil yet humorous characters of the Ranma 1/2
series. He is notorious for stealing ladies undergarments and food
The founder of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, he
has trained many a fighter over the last few centuries. (His true age
not known at this time) Among his most current students are Hinako
Hinomiya, Soun Tendo, Genma Saotome and now the current heir to
the school, Ranma Saotome. Fortunately for us, Happosai was kind
enough to take time out of his busy schedule in exchange for a few
panties of whom the owners shall remain nameless for their
protection. (Not to mention my own.)
And now ladies and gentlemen, from my studio in Canada
and for the dozens of people on the Fanfiction Mailing List....
LLLLLLET'S GET READY TO RAMBLE!!!!
(There is the sound of many feminine screams as the guest in question
arrives at the studio with many a bra clenched in his withered hand.
But despite his advanced age, Happosai seems as spry and hyperactive
as a three year old on a sugar rush. After security barely manages
keep the army of women back from the set, Happosai takes his seat
across from me and rubs his newly-acquired panties against his cheek,
a cheerful expression on his face as he lights up his pipe, a merry
twinkle in his eye.)
Megane 6.7: Hello there. Welcome to our studio. I'm glad
Happosai: My pleasure! And a Merry Christmas to everyone on the
list! (starts to sing off-key) MAY YOUR PANTIES BE FRILLY
Megane 6.7: (interrupting) Yeah, yeah! Merry Christmas to you
(Happosai stops singing and stuffs his recent stash of bras and panties
into his gi and out of sight. As he does so, he sighs in contentment.)
Happosai: Ahhh! They're still warm!
Megane 6.7: Uh... that's nice... I guess I'll start by asking how you
managed to steal underwear for all these years and not get caught?
Happosai: Know-how, m'boy! Know-how! Any idiot can steal
underwear but getting them in broad daylight without leaving a mark
or getting caught by the local authorities... That is the mark of a true
Megane 6.7: I see. So it takes years of practice then?
Happosai: Centuries! Centuries of hard work, perfect balance and a
light touch that would make a fingersmith run for the hills in terror!
Of course it's a little easier when you have two sniveling cowards for
students like Soun and Genma to take the heat for you! (laughs) Ah,
how I miss those days!
Megane 6.7: How did you end up becoming their master anyway? Did
they come to you or vice versa?
Happosai: Funny you should ask that... I remember it like it was
yesterday. Soun and Genma thought they were pretty hot stuff a
decade ago. They went from dojo to dojo, challenging anyone
who would fight them. This was before they found wives and raised a
family of course.... (takes a moment to smoke from his pipe)
Eventually they came upon my old neighborhood and saw me
using my ki to escape the local police after I left a restaurant without
paying. Those morons were so awestruck they begged me to teach
them stuff like that and groveled before my feet. I knew from the
moment I first saw them that they both had no backbone and were
easily dominated. So I accepted them as my students, promising
nothing and was guaranteed complete loyalty! Talk about a couple of
saps! From then one, we traveled all over Japan, rescuing innocent
undergarments from their prisons and acquiring food to survive....
Megane 6.7: Rescuing and acquiring? Don't you mean stealing?
Happosai: (growing angry) How dare you! (tearfully) T-They hung
their panties out on a rack where they could have easily flown away
with the wind and gotten all dirty in the mud! I liberated them from
such cruelty and treat them as they should be treated, with tender
Megane 6.7: That brings to mind another question... If you need
panties so badly, why don't you steal them all at a shopping mall or
Happosai: NO GOOD! They have to have been worn by a woman
first! Where's the fun in liberating panties that haven't been treated
Megane 6.7: I guess you have a point there. Is that why you iron them
Happosai: Yep! I pamper and cuddle with them and then I either
hang them in my room or keep them close to me. (pulls out a large
bra from under his shirt and holds it out for me to see, carefully
holding it as though it were a priceless antique instead of a mere
undergarment.) Isn't it the most beautiful sight you've ever seen?
Megane 6.7: Ah... sure. Does that belong to one of the Tendo sister's?
Happosai: (carefully placing it back into his gi.) Nope, this little
beauty belongs to my beautiful Ranma-Chan! Or at least it will once
I convince her to wear it. (grumbles to himself) Not my fault
ingrate can't appreciate the finer things in life....
Megane 6.7: (interrupting) So I take it Ranma-Chan is the girl you'd
like to see most in a bra?
Happosai: Absolutely! Although, I wouldn't mind seeing Akane in
one of my bra's either. (starts to grin lecherously.)
Megane 6.7: What about Nabiki or Kasumi?
Happosai: Nah. Not enough fighting spirit in those two. Kasumi's
dull and Nabiki's... dangerous.
Megane 6.7: I suspect she would be if you stole HER panties. Let's
back to your relationship with Soun and Genma....
Happosai: (Interrupting) What else is there to tell?! They served me
well, then they locked me up in a cave for ten years, I got out and now
they serve me again! I get free food and board at the dojo. There
are lots of cute girls to fondle at the high school not to mention
Ranma's wonderful fiancees! I even have a new student to carry on
my legacy and have fun with because she's half girl! Life couldn't
Megane 6.7: That's another question I wanted to ask you. You're
addicted to ladies underwear right?
Happosai: I like the term "Guardian" myself.
Megane 6.7: Uh, right... And you need them to keep up your strength
Happosai: It gives me a better boost than all the caffeine in the world!
Megane 6.7: Well then, if you need them so badly, not to mention
food and water. How did you manage to survive for ten years inside
that cave without either?
Happosai: Simple. Those idiots might have been able to trick me into
getting drunk and stuck in that cave, but being the morons that they
are, they failed to search me beforehand and luckily for me I had a
spare bra in my gi.
Megane 6.7: Let me get this straight... You survived ten years in a
cave with no food or water with only a BRA?!?
Happosai: Well... the cave dripped water for me whenever it rained.
And there are other ways of using your ki to survive. How do you
think I've managed to stay alive for so long? Geritol?
Megane 6.7: Well I guess when someone's lived as long as you have,
you learn a few tricks. By the way, how old are you anyway?
Happosai: (shows a mysterious smile) How old do you think I am?
Megane 6.7: Well... You and Cologne met when you were young and
Cologne's over 300 years old or so she claims....
Happosai: (Interrupting) Doesn't mean anything. I could be 3000 for
all you know. Suffice it to say, it's been a long time and as long
there's bras and panties to steal and pretty ladies to wear them I'll be
around for a even longer time to come! (laughs)
Megane 6.7: Well I'm sure the ladies out there are....delighted to hear
that. Moving on, I'm going to mention some names of people to you
and I want you to give me your opinion of them. Cologne?
Happosai: Old mummy. No match for me.
Megane 6.7: Wasn't she you're girlfriend at some point?
Happosai: (glaring at me) No comment. NEXT QUESTION....
Megane 6.7: Touchy aren't we? Shampoo?
Happosai: (brightens up immediately) Cute! I'd take her underwear
Megane 6.7: Ryouga?
Happosai: Is that the kid with the bandanna who always get lost?
Megane 6.7: Yeah.
Happosai: He doesn't turn into a girl. Why should I care?
Megane 6.7: Kunou?
Happosai: I trained that long winded buffoon once to be faster than
Ranma with his bokken. He's still a weakling though. No challenge
or interest for me at all.
Megane 6.7: Kodachi?
Happosai: She doesn't wear underwear so I don't really notice her.
has a great laugh though....
Megane 6.7: Ukyou?
Happosai: (shake his head) Sad case. Hiding her femininity like
does. Still it does provide a sense of mystery for me and I'll get
underwear sooner or later....
Megane 6.7: (under his breath) Provided she doesn't turn you into an
Megane 6.7: Never mind! Hinako?
Happosai: Ah, my prize student... I can't believe she doesn't remember
me! I gave her the ability to suck battle aura and she won't even let
have a cheap feel! Isn't that selfish of her?
Megane 6.7: Uh... I guess. Kasumi?
Happosai: Nice girl. Great cook. Too bland for me though.
Megane 6.7: Bland in what sense?
Happosai: I dunno. She just... I just don't have the urge to steal
underwear from her. I don't know why. (looks nervous) Never
thought about it.
Megane 6.7: Do you feel guilty about stealing from Kasumi because
she's so nice? Or have you already tried and paid the penalty?
Shing* Know what I mean?
Happosai: (looking really nervous) I DON'T KNOW! Ask me about
Megane 6.7: All right. Akane?
Happosai: (looks excited again) Now there's a girl full of spirit.
got several pairs of her underwear and I treasure them more than the
rest. Only my cute Ranma-Chan's would be worth more to me!
Megane 6.7: Speaking of which, what do you think of Ranma?
Happosai: Which one?
Megane 6.7: Either.
Happosai: Well the male Ranma is a arrogant, snot nosed little punk
who thinks he knows everything about martial arts! I brought him
back down to earth in a hurry let me tell you!
Megane 6.7: I thought Ranma was one of the few people that ever
beat you constantly?
Happosai: And I beat him constantly. Or have you forgotten that?
Megane 6.7: True enough.
Happosai: He would really be a great student if he didn't have such a
problem with honor all the time! He's got three beautiful fiancees,
to mention all the other women who throw themselves at him! He
could be having his way with them all and what does he do instead?
Whines like a sissy and get clobbered by all of them! He even
girl's body! Can you imagine what I'd do if I had a girl's body
available to me 24 hours a day?
Megane 6.7: Let me guess... Intense physical self-examinations,
prolonged bathing on the women's side of public baths and private
lingerie fashion shows?
Happosai: Damn straight! (laughs)
Megane 6.7: Great... Can we change the subject now please?
Happosai: (Not listening) But it breaks my heart to see a situation like
that wasted! That's why I like to steal bras and panties. They're
friend. (softly) They're the only ones who understand me....
Megane 6.7: Where did this obsession with panties come from
anyway? What were you like as a child?
Happosai: About the same. Well, younger.
Megane 6.7: Seriously....
Happosai: Hey! My childhood is a thing of the past! Literally!
panties because they like me. They sing to me and cry out for justice
and I Happosai am their savior! (starts to sing again) DO YOU
HEAR THE PANTIES SING! SINGING A TALE OF ANGRY....!
Megane 6.7: OKAY, OKAY! We get the idea! Let's get back to your
current life. You have a variety of unique marital arts techniques
your disposal. Besides your normal skills, you have the ability to
invisible, grow into a giant, and create a whirlwind similar to Ranma's
Hiryu Shoten Ha technique among others. One of your most
frequently used techniques is the Happo Daikarin which in essence is
a supercharged firecracker. Where did you learn to use this
Happosai: (leans back and takes another puff from his pipe.) Ahh...
was back in my early youth. Before I knew about ki-blasts and such.
I was fighting against some little puke who was good at hand to hand
fighting so I couldn't get close to him.
To counter this technique I had to invent something that could
be used at long range, yet fast enough to catch the opponent by surprise.
I sat at home, thinking about the situation and then I noticed some
fireworks outside my window from a nearby festival. I quickly gathered
the raw materials and volia! My first firecracker!
By the time I was finished with that kid, he was crying for
mommy! (laughs) Ever since then I found it a much more convenient
way to win fights without the bother of draining any energy from my
Megane 6.7: That's a good point. Using firecrackers allows you
reserve your ki energy in case it's needed later.
Megane 6.7: And yet somehow Ranma manages to prevent you from
seeing him in a bra as a girl despite all your techniques....
Happosai: (glares at me and holds out his smoking pipe.) See this,
junior? If I wanted to, I could flip you through the roof of this place
and up about a mile into the sky without breaking a sweat. You want
a personal demonstration of my *techinques*?
Megane 6.7: Er... no thanks. This isn't a revengefic. Besides,
already had my spinal realignment for this month. Now, if we can
step outside the boundaries of your reality for a moment... What do
you think of the voice actor who portrays you in the dubbed anime
series of Ranma 1/2?
Happosai: Much more gruff and less high pitched than my original
voice of course, but I don't have too much of a problem with it. I
wish he would say the real name of my "Happo Daikarin" attack
instead of "Happo Fire Burst". Everyone else in the dubbed series
gets to keep the Japanese name for their attacks... why not me?
Megane 6.7: What is your reaction to the Ranma 1/2 Manga Series
finally coming to a close?
Happosai: There will always be fanfic writers to keep Ranma 1/2 going
for years to come! I'm just glad I prevented Ranma from getting cured
at the end! W-What would I have done without my little
Ranma-Chan to cuddle with? (his eyes brim with tears)
Megane 6.7: The mind reels. If you could teach any character from
another anime your style of marital arts, who would you teach?
Happosai: (thinks for a moment) Someone... Someone who would
appreciate the fine art of perversion and yet be stupid enough to obey
me without question. Probably that Ataru kid....
Megane 6.7: Ataru Moroboshi from Urusei Yatsura?
Happosai: Yeah... He looks like someone who I could pass on my
legacy too. (sighs) If only Ranma would be so reasonable and
damn bra on....!
Megane 6.7: Here's a question for you. If you could choose any girl
outside of the Ranma 1/2 series to be with. Who would you choose?
Happosai: (laughs) That's easy! Those Twin Puma Sisters from
Dominion Tank Police! SWEET-O! (Starts to drool) Now there's
nice pair of pussies! I'd love to just....
Megane 6.7: Okay! I get the idea! Not to mention the horrible
Happosai: What are you so nervous about?
Megane 6.7: This isn't a lemon fanfic! I'm trying to keep it fairly
clean! Kids might be reading this!
Happosai: I thought this interview wasn't going to be edited?
Megane 6.7: It's not! That's why I'm nervous about what you say!
Happosai: (mischievous grin) Oh? So I guess it wouldn't be polite
say... JOHN WALTER BILES CAN KISS MY....
Megane 6.7: NO!!!
Happosai: You're right... Kun-chan or Trish Ledoux would be much
Megane 6.7: (frantically looks at the clock) Uh... We're almost out
time! Is there anything else you want to add to this interview before
we go? Preferably something that won't get me flamed?
Happosai: Only that I appreciate that bedroom scene you wrote for me
in your fanfic "Wishing Upon the Same Star" Kodachi isn't the girl
would have chosen but I'm not complaining! SWEET-O! (laughs yet
Megane 6.7: Oh great. Now everyone will think I'm trying to
shamelessly plug my story....
Happosai: What's taking you so long to finish anyway?
Megane 6.7: A combination of the flu/writer's block/lack of computer
time/power failure. I hope to continue that and my other series before
too long. No deadlines though. I'm terrible with deadlines.
Happosai: You had time to conduct this interview, didn't you?
Megane 6.7: Webdragon's interviews gave me the idea for this. Spur
of the moment thing. Besides, I can't sleep.
Happosai: Will you do any more?
Megane 6.7: Dunno. Depends if people like this one or not.
Happosai: Well if you ever interview Ranma-Chan, do me a favor and
ask her about her bra cup size and what kind of panties she likes to
Megane 6.7: I'll... look into it. Thank you for joining us this
Happosai: (interrupting) Morning.
Megane 6.7: Whatever. This is Megane 6.7 with Happosai saying
goodnight and any C&C is greatly appreciated! :)
Oh, by the way, for those of you who didn't get the *Shing Shing*
reference during the interview, it was an in-joke for Webdragon's
Kasumi Shockfic "Kasumi The Axe Murderess." who has appeared in
many of his other shockfics as well. It's really funny as long as
don't take it too seriously. (Much like this interview.)
THE END... FOR NOW.
C&C is welcome (firstname.lastname@example.org
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