Blood of Heroes
(A Ranma 1/2 - legends of Camelot crossover)
MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison
==
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations, are
property of
and (c) 2000 by Best Brains. Ranma 1/2 is property of Rumiko
Takahashi
and all distributors of her work. And all Camelot legends are
thankfully
copyright of no one, since they have become public domain at this point.
"Blood of Heroes" is property of The King of Ducks and used with
his
permission. This is intended as a parody, hopefully not to be
taken
offensively.
All additional references/situations are copyright their respective
owners.
==
-Deep Thirteen-
Frank scurried around, looking throughout the file cabinet.
He screwed his face
into something closely resembling a sneer, as Dr. F was forcing him
to practice lately.
It was some arcane theory about mad scientists, Frank concluded...
either that or an
order from Evilos, which Dr. F would waste no time in following.
But the thrust of
the problem is that Dr. F had a way-too-happy assistant.
"Haven't you found something *yet*, Frank? They're up there,
just waiting for us to
put the hurt on them, and I want something extra special to celebrate
my evilness!"
Dr. Forrester was tapping his foot, making some final adjustments on
the device that
sat atop a computer cart. Frank grimaced one more time and pulled
a diskette out of
a folder.
"Here's one, Dr. F. Are you ready for me to call them up?"
"They won't know what hit 'em. Make it so, number zero!"
-The Satellite of Love-
"Ready? One, two, three, four..." Joel hit a chord
on the guitar he was holding
while Mike started on his guitar at the far end of the bridge.
Crow twirled
a drumstick in his claw and Tom started shaking the tambourine.
o/~ "It's the last train to Clarksville, and I'll meet you at the station..."
"Hey hey, Dr. F., it's the lab monkees. They're monkeeing
around right now,
come and see!"
"Frank, what in the name of Michael Nesmith are you talking about?"
"Just look!"
o/~ "And I don't know if I'll ever come on home!" Joel sang, as the
other three
provided backup "oohs".
"Stop that, there'll be no singing here!" Dr. F bellowed, quickly
pressing the mute
key on the computer while pulling the lever which activated the oxygen
vacuum. He watched
as the two humans on the bridge grasped their throats and stopped singing.
"Okay jokers,
I'm assuming this was done for a reason..."
"We figured you brought Joel back so we could get the band together
again! That's
why we're up on the satellite, right? Putting together these
band groups is the best way
to get money nowadays! Look at the Backstreet Boys and that Spice
Girls group that was
popular enough to merit a movie! They're practically everywhere!"
Mike explained.
Tom broke in, "But mostly we were hoping to offend your sensibilities..."
"Tom, no! Don't tell them that!" Joel said.
"Oh, is that it? Well, once we get through our invention
exchange, we'll be sure to
give you a post so bad... Frank, get on it!" Dr. Forrester barked.
"Aye-aye, Colonel Parker," Frank returned.
"And as for you... what do we have for an invention this time?"
Joel took a box from underneath the counter and placed it on
the top. "Well, sirs, we
know that one of the most plentiful sources of power we know of from
up here in space is
the great abundance of solar energy. On Earth, however, no one
seems to use it! So, we
decided to try to help out humanity by building simple, practical appliances
that can tap
into the power of the sun! Mike?"
Mike stepped forward. "Well, Joel, Tom and I worked together
to build..." Tom
hovered beside Mike as he lifted a long-handled device from the box.
"It's the solar powered weed whacker! Since all homeowners
must have impeccible lawns,
gas trimmers are incredibly heavy and smoky, and electric cords get
tangled all over the
place, this can't fail! And if you try to trim your lawn when
the sun's not out... well,
you're either waking the neighbors or standing stupidly in the rain
anyway! Over to you,
Crow!"
Crow reached in the box. "I had a better idea than these
guys..." He lifted out a
light bulb from the box. "Here's the solar-powered lightbulb!"
Everyone on the
satellite facefaulted.
"Umm, well... inane as always, N'Stink. As for us..."
Dr. Forrester walked off-screen
and returned with a computer cart, on which a large white chunk of
plastic with a small
slot sat. "Prepare for my worst invention yet! Frank, get
the samples!"
Frank scurried over to where Dr. F was standing, holding papers
of all sorts and
diskettes as well. "Well, boobies, our invention this week is
the Automatic Document
Mishandler! Create the inefficiency of large wasteful governments
and corporations
with this handy device!"
Frank moved to the side, handing a disk to Dr. F. "No more
do you have to let the
system lose all your important documents! This machine opens
up holes all over time
and space to get rid of your most important papers and disks!"
Dr. F slipped the disk
inside, and started feeding the machine with reckless abandon.
Newspapers, FFML logs,
and all sorts of disks were thrown in, but the machine handled it all
with ease.
"However, 98 Degrees of Stupidity, we kept one item we're sure
you're going to love!
It's called 'Blood of Heroes', and it's a crossover that took eons
to shape up! And
it also takes eons to set up! Pop that on your scores and sing
it!"
The satellite began to shake. "Oh no, we have fic sign!"
Tom yelled.
(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall
over the bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works
well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no
Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively
keeps you inside)
(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the
fourth seat from
the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel, and
Crow sat in the
far right seat.)
>Hello. Here is my story,
Tom: And the rebuttal is at the end, thankyewverymuch!
>please tell me what you think. C&C is incouraged,
Crow [author]: "All I need is a little incouragement!"
Mike: This is not an 'incouraging' sign, guys...
>flames are not. MSTings are welcome.
>King of Ducks Publishers Proudly Present,
Joel: In association with Quacker Productions....
Mike: ...something by Mousse!
Crow: "Once upon a time, there was an Amazon warrioress who was
wholly in love with our hero, a rather dashing fellow who occasionally
wore glasses..."
>In association with Seven Drunken Albino Dwarves Ltd.,
Tom: Don't touch those Seven Drunken Albino Dwarves! Hand me the
pliers!
Joel: Limited in all but their inhibitions, by the way it looks...
>Funding Provided by Nabiki Tendo Investment Firm (NTIF),
Mike: Wouldn't that mean she'd be expecting a return on this?
Tom: NTIF! Science, industry, technology... and fanfics!
Crow: Diversify your portfolio!
Joel: Umm, what's to finance fanfiction-wise anyway?
Mike: All I can guess is a large stock of "Mountain Dew"
>Blood of Heroes
Tom: *Not* the expectoration of fools.
>A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
>Written By: The King of Ducks.
Mike: Wonder if he knows disco?
Crow: "Once upon a time, a dashing rogue of a man left his Amazon village
with a smitten
warrioress tagging along behind. He came across a man in
Japan by the name of Ranma
Saotome and kicked the living crap out of him. Our hero
cut his lip in the process."
Tom: "'Hark!', our hero cried as he wiped his lip. 'It is the
blood of a hero!'"
>Chapter 1:
Tom: Just for fun.
><Insert standard disclaimer here. For more information check
out
>"Disclaimer" by the Offspring on Ixnay on the Hombre.>
Joel: You mean the one that's been on every single fan-parody for the
past
six years?
> Time does not flow like a river like some would have you to
believe,
>no,
Crow: It's more like a toilet, with history of all kinds circling the
drain in an
orderly clockwise fashion.
>instead it is a maelstrom moving only to the whims of Chance and Fortune.
Crow: And here I thought it was the whims of Community Chest.
>Some say the past is unchangeable
Tom: And some say the past is rewritable.
Joel: And even more say the moon is made of cheese.
>and even if you write history differently than it happened that which
really
>happened
Mike: ...really didn't happen, or really might have happened in a different
history
than what the happening happened in, or might have happened in
a completely
historically different happening.
Crow: Therefore, history is just happenstance.
>is unchanged and the truth will come out once more.
Joel: Olly olly oxen free!
>This is true if you only rewrite history in the literal sense, but
what if you
>were to go back and change it?
Tom: Then what might have happened would happen completely differently,
and
the happenings that happened already would still happen in the
historical view, but
what happens is happening and the happenings that will happen...
Crow: Aww... can it, Doc Brown!
> Time sweeps backwards
Joel: ...spreading the debris of the ages over the kitchen floor of
the heavens.
Mike: And narrowly missing the dog food bowl of life.
>and forth according the will of the dice of fate
Mike: A seven!
Crow: Let it ride, baby!
Tom: Oh great, fate's playing dice with the universe again...
>and thus can someone from one age find himself or herself thrown into
>another age,
Crow: Like from puberty to second childhood?
Tom: Oh great, I've gone from 26 to 12! Now I have to go through
puberty
all over again! NOOOOOO!!
Mike: Damn you universe!!
>either in the past or more strangely, the future. Sometimes something
>other than fate changes things;
Tom: Fate being known to outsource the more annoying tasks, of course...
Crow: ENOUGH with the philisophical crap, already! Just start
the damn fic!
>spirits have great power over the mortal world, though they can rarely
>or will rarely use it.
Joel: Anyone else have the feeling we're in the middle of a seance?
Mike: Maybe channeling dead ideas from the past?
Crow & Tom: <spirits, cheering> We have power! Yes, we do!
We have
power! How 'bout you? Woo!
>Sages differ greatly on this subject,
Tom: However, they are all in general agreeance on this predicate.
Joel: But four out of five sages recommend Colgate toothpaste!
>but it assumed that the more important the spirit was the greater power
the
>spirit has over the world of the living.
Mike: So the next time you say, "The devil made me do it"... you might
be
right.
>Some can even be reborn in it. Assuming that they wanted to,
of course.
>But sometimes even what a spirit wants doesn't matter . . .
Tom: But if a spirit tries sometimes, the spirit finds it gets what
it needs.
Joel [spirit]: But I wanted John Travolta to do my baby voice-over!
Not
Bobcat Goldthwait!
>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Crow: And as a tribute to all servicepeople worldwide, the rest of the
fic will be in Morse code!
> The old man whirled and danced around
a burning fire within a forest
>clearing.
Tom [old man]: "Dammit, get my beard out! This is the last time
I spill the
lighter fluid all over me!"
Crow: Looks like Father Time burned himself up with a doobie again....
>As he spun his chants seemed to stretch into the heavens themselves
Mike [old man]: "Hey! Belldandy! Get your butt down here,
I've been
shaking my moneymaker for the last two hours!"
Joel: The Whirling Dervishes. Quality chanting for over fifteen
hundred
years.
>and into the eternal blackness of the night sky. With each step
the forest
>around him grew darker and darker as the power stretched into Emania.
Tom: And stretch your purchasing power all the way into Emania and beyond
with the new Visa Classic, buying power for those bullhorns
that just
won't wait!
Mike: "Phone Home" to Emania for three minutes: $15,000. Getting
a response:
priceless.
>With each passing moment the echo of the spirits grew more and more
powerful
>until the old man stopped.
Joel: You flooded it!
Crow: Jiggle the handle next time!
>Now the land beyond his fire was indescribably dark and the icy presence
of
>the spirits beyond set the wind colder than it should have been on
a summer
>night.
Tom: Thankfully it was mid-December, so no one noticed!
Mike: Dark and icy presence... maybe he found a yeti?
Crow [dully]: "I will pet you and love you and call you George!"
>The old man slowly sat down
Crow [old man]: This is the last time I tuck into the beans before a
spirit calling...
>and started chanting words of power
Crow: [old man]: "Mecha lecha hi mecha hiney ho!"
Tom [old man]: "Vigor! Strength! Energy! Force!
Might!"
Mike [old man]: "Megawatts! Gigahertz! Detroit Edison!"
>to ward off evil spirits and to bind the summoned spirits until he
was
>finished or until dawn, whichever came first.
Joel: Words of power: the Crazee Glue that keeps the spirits together.
Tom: And remember, next time you need to stick a spirit to a wall or
door,
just chant away! And stay away from "feeble", or they'll
fall right off!
>After a few moments he stopped and looked into the darkness.
Mike [old man]: "Oh, you mean this *isn't* The Blair Witch Project?"
Tom: [old man]: "I don't see what's so scary... I can't see a thing
in here!"
Crow [old man]: "Was our funding pulled already?"
> "Hound of Culan step forth from the darkness that blinds you,"
>the old man cried into the night wind.
Joel [old man]: "And quit marking those trees! You've been out
here
long enough, dammit!"
Crow [operator]: "Beep. The Hound of Culan you are trying to
summon is no longer
in service. Please stop chanting and try summoning elsewhere
again...."
> Within the passing of a few minutes a groaning could be heard
Mike: The crowds are restless...
Tom: Okay, which one of us was it? Speak up!
Crow: I thought it was *you*, Tom...
>as a translucent figure stepped into the light. The figure stood,
clad
>resplendently in age-worn battle armor, and slowly he solidified.
Crow [Capt. Kirk]: "Spock, I seem to have beamed down onto a Class M
planet... and why the hell did you send me down send me down
as a reject
from a Renaissance Festival?"
>He stood taller than the old man and his long black hair hung down
past
>his shoulders. Looking down he stared at the old man with eyes
of ice that
>were filled with anger.
Joel: "Hey! Didn't I warn you about planeshifting *before*?
You're going
to have to come with me this time..."
Tom: He's angry 'cause someone replaced his eyes with two "fly in the
ice
cube" gags....
> "Shaman, why in the name of all the gods did you bring me here?
Mike [old man]: "I needed a web designer for my Internet start-up IPO."
>Is it time for my rebirth," the Hound of Culan asked the shaman.
Crow: In as neutral a tone as he could manage.
Tom [Hound]: "I need hot water and LOTS of towels, stat!"
> "That is up to you great warrior."
> "What do you mean it is up too me?"
> "That star which fell and slept when ere the earth was full
formed is
>soon to awaken and rise.
Mike [old man]: "And due to its burning, it will incinerate us whole.
Don'tcha
want a chance to see Disneyland before that happens?"
Tom [Hound]: "Ooh... does that mean I get to ride the Matterhorn and
see
Mickey?"
Crow [old man]: "Yes, and ride the teacups as well! But we must
hurry or the
lines will be too long!"
>Then shall it's light battle a darkness which is soon freed from it's sleep.
Crow: So the light's waking up and the dark's waking up... I don't remember
either one of them setting the alarm!
Joel: Now if I was that darkness, I'd need a hot cup of coffee and
a warm
shower before I'd do *anything* else.
Tom: And why does light have to battle the darkness? All the
darkness in the
universe can't snuff out the light of a candle!
>With the light may ride a host of the past and with the darkness a similar host.
Mike [old man]: "Monty Hall's booked on the light cruise, and I heard
that Wink
Martindale's coming with the dark group."
>Then shall the blood begin and the star and the shadow truly fight.
>Three outcomes are possible
Tom: Win, Lose, or Draw?
Crow: Therefore, we're going to see Bert Convy and Dom DeLuise... ooh,
fun.
>and as in all things three is the number of Fate, Fortune, and Chance.
Joel [Michael Palin]: "Three shall be the number that thou shalt count,
and
the number of the counting shall be three."
>The first is that the light rises and shines through the darkness and
from
>him springs forth a new generation of man whose bri and bua shall
achieve great
>wonders.
Crow: Bri and bua?
Mike: My best guess is cheese and snakes.
>The second is if the shadow smothers the star then all shall perish in it's night.
Tom: ...on the holy feast of Passover.
Crow: For our friends in foreign lands.
Joel: So the Hound is Jewish?
>The final outcome should either one not come to pass,
Mike: ...is a twenty-four hour PARTY!
Crow: Conga!
<all start to dance around>
Tom: Whew, fun.
>is that both star and shadow being weakened shall sleep once more and
gather
>their strength for another battle on another day,"
Tom [old man]: "This vicious, vicious cycle started one day when Dark
didn't want
to share his rubber ducky with Light, creating a feud which ripped
the heavens
asunder."
Joel: The moral of the story: don't let anyone see your bath toys.
Crow: What is this, "Sailor Sez?"
>the old man's eyes had the look of one speaking to the fey as he related the message.
Mike: The old man's the head of the Rainbow Coalition?
Tom [old man]: "I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist, I'm the president
of the
Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason..."
> "The truth shaman and speak not in riddles."
Crow [old man]: "Well, how about jokes then! How many dead babies
does it take
to screw in a light bulb?"
Joel [Hound]: "Uhh... I don't, uh I don't know..."
Crow [old man]: "Five! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
> "In no other way shall we speak Hound of Culan. In other
way shall we
>speak and in no other way shall we live."
Mike [old man]: "Face it boy, you're going to be confused for the rest
of
your life. So there."
Tom: As are we.
Crow: Is speaking Hound of Culan anything like speaking Astro of Jetsons?
> "Which outcome will happen?"
Tom [old man]: "Uh-uh now, Hound... that'll make the fic just a *little*
too
short! We need to pad it somehow..."
Joel: I thought the fic mentioned three choices?
Crow: Yeah. Padding, boredom, or snoozing.
> "Chance, Fate, and Fortune have decided to leave this destiny
in the
>hands of man and the spirits of man.
Joel: Much like a cake in the rain, so are the Days of Our Lives.
Crow: Good choice, leave destiny in the hands of a species that excels
at
destruction. Nice move brainiacs!
>We are required to summon the spirits of both sides; light and dark,
Mike: Yin and yang...
Tom: Rare and well-done...
Joel: Free and easy...
Crow: Great taste and less filling...
>to rebirth and arraign them in rebirth.
Mike: You are charged with second-degree impersonation of a baby.
How
do you plead?
Joel [baby]: "Wahhhhhh!!"
Mike: Jury will disregard that remark, please.
>Now stand to the side
Joel [old man]: "...you're blocking my sun! How do you expect
me to
get a killer tan and answer all these questions at the same time?"
Tom: Sheesh, this guy could go on Dragonball Z and double as Roshi...
>as we summon the second upon this blackest night, Great Bear appear."
Mike: Boy, he sounds thrilled at the prospect...
Crow: And here comes Nikolai Volkoff!
Tom: Look out! It's a multi-crossover!
> A huge bear of a man loped forward from the tree-line, solidifying
>instantly he stepped up to the fire.
Mike: Great Bear, will you sign in please?
Joel [old man]: "No Bear, not *in* the fire!"
>He stood in every way a contrast to the other;
Crow: Especially since the Hound was sitting! Ha, I kill me!
>the first was tall and the second not. The first's eyes were
as cold
>as ice and the second's burned with a fire.
Tom [Bear]: "Aahh! Someone put out my eyes, quick!"
Joel [Hound]: You think YOU'VE got problems?!? I'm snowblind!
Mike: Between Bear's eyes and the old man's beard, they're a matching
pair.
>The first's bearing was that of a soldier and the second's was that
of a
>king. The Bear sat in front of the shaman and stared lazily
at him.
Tom [Bear]: "*yawn*... Ya know, you could try doing this in the daytime
when we're all AWAKE..."
Crow: I can't bear much more of this fanfic....
Mike: Just try to grin and bear it, man....
> "Why have ye called my soul from Avalon? The fey mists
were comfort
>enough for me," the Great Bear plainly stated.
Mike [Bear]: "Yeah, man... we had one helluva stoner's party up there!
Morrison brought all his best stuff! Why do you have to
go and harsh my
buzz? By the by, got anything to eat?"
Crow: Plainly stated? Sounds more like Middle English to me....
> The faeries related the same tale to the Bear as they did to the Hound.
Crow: Hey, whoa, waitaminute! *What* faeries?
Joel: Most likely the fey faeries, Crow...
Tom: Okay, I'll bite... just what does "fey" mean anyway?
Mike [picking up a dictionary]: Okay, lessee... it says here,
'mysterious and
strange, or trying to appear like this in a way that is not natural
or sincere.'
Tom: So this fic is just masquerading?
>The Bear sat for a minute thinking before he asked the faeries,
Tom [Bear]: "And this affects me *how*?"
Joel [Bear]: "Do YOU know how to prevent forest fires?"
>"And you wish for me and my cousin to return to the world of life before
>our true time of rebirth and fight this shadow?"
> "Yes Great Bear, that is our wish.
Mike: Well, to be more precise, it's the old man's wish.
Crow [Bear]: "Wait up here... who's that behind the screen there?"
Tom, Joel [faeries]: "Oh, pay no attention to him! He's nobody!"
>Chance, Fate, and Fortune require that we ask."
Tom: ...ask you to suspend disbelief just this once, okay?
Joel: Chance, Fate, and Fortune should really think of hiring some
telemarketers
at this rate.
> "I don't like it," the Hound snorted with derision.
Crow: Okay, let's recap... the old man burnt his whiskers on a doobie,
the Bear's
been up with the potheads, and now the Hound snorts?
Mike: Therefore, the message: Take some hits to increase enjoyment.
> "Yes cousin, but you didn't like much of anything," the Bear
replied
>without looking from the shaman.
Mike: But he was talking to the FAERIES! Boy, this is getting
confusing...
Tom [director]: "Okay, everyone... we'll take five, get a donut, and
if I see anyone
else *trying* to sneak on set during shooting, I'll have you
cleaning John Goodman's
bathroom!"
> "If we return, which outcome will happen?"
Joel [old man]: "Well, you'll be back to where we started."
Crow [Bear]: "I have to read the philosophy all over again?!"
> "That is blocked by mists even we cannot penetrate. Not
even the
>three know that destiny. Son of the Lake, come forth from your
watery sleep."
Tom [old man]: "Shut up already. We need another character, stat!"
> A third figure emerged and solidified upon the ground as soon
as one
>ghostly foot touched it. He strode forward without care and
the fire danced
>upon his fair features.
Mike: Why does everyone insist on standing in the middle of the fire
anyway?
Tom: Well, the author did say it was cold for a summer night...
Mike: There are easier solutions! Winter jackets, use 'em!
>He stood proud and confidant behind the Bear and looked down upon the
shaman
>with disgust.
Crow [Son of the Lake]: "Oh my lord, do you think you're fooling *anybody*
with
that horrid toupee?"
Tom [Son of the Lake]: "I cannot believe you've let the scene drag
on this long!
My god, do you have ANY idea how long I've been waiting for my
cue?!? Look at
my fingers! They're all wrinkly!"
> "Thou foul and dirty peasant!
Joel [Michael Palin]: "Oh, what a giveaway! Didjoo 'ear that,
didjoo
'ear that, 'eh? That's what I'm on about! Did you
see him repressin' me?
You saw it didn't you!"
Crow: Certainly geting a lot of mileage out of that Palin impression,
Joel...
>Why have you awakened the Son of the Lake from his deserved rest?
Crow: [Son]: "Look, buddy, I worked ten hours today and I WANT AN
EXPLANATION! NOW!!"
Mike [Old Man]: "You've still got chores and homework to do, young
man, so get
to it!"
Crow: [Son] "Oh, go to bed, old man!"
Mike: [Old Man] "Shut up! What's this I hear about you having
a lady in the
lake when I'm away?!?"
>Speak now or I shall smite thee," the Son of the Lake's voice sounded as thunder.
Joel: Hey guys, look! It's our first Ranma character!
Tom: Hey Kuno, go beat up that shaman! Quick!
Mike: He *is* the Thunder...
> Once again the message was told and the Son of the Lake beamed.
Crow: Hey! Shut off your brights already!
>His smile grew as he pulled the sword which hung at his side from it's
>scabbard. Holding it above his head he Son of the Lake shouted out
in a
>thunderous voice,
Tom [Kuno]: "I am the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High! You have
taken me
from my musings upon the sweet Akane and the wondrous Pig-Tailed
Girl!
I shall SMITE THEE!"
Mike, Joel, Crow: "Ku-NO! Ku-NO! Ku-NO!"
>"A quest in which I, the Son of the Lake, greatest warrior of the Bear's
>court can truly shine. Surely I, the Son of the Lake, am this
star of
>which thou hast spoke."
> The shaman lifted his head and stared into the Son of the Lake's
eyes,
Mike [old man]: "Look, boy... so far I've got a stoner and a crackhead,
and
you're even crazier than both of them. Don't make me hurt
you."
Crow: He's gotta be on some bad acid.
Tom: H2SO4?
Joel: Cute, Tom...
>"No you are not the StarSworn who will rise and shine above the earth."
Tom [Son]: "Aww! C'mon, I can do a really good rooster call! Puh-leeze?"
Joel: [Old Man] "You are the east and Juliet is the sun!"
> "Then I shall fight with him to ensure victory once more.
The shadow
>shall rightly fear my prowess as I..." the Son of the Lake was cut
off by
>the Hound's fist punching into the Son of the Lake's solar plexus.
All: GIVE IT A REST!
>The Son of the Lake fell over in a gasping heap.
Mike [Bear]: "C'mon, you big load. You were paid scale like the
rest of us,
now get back in the fic!"
> "Fool," was the Hound's only reply. "I agree shaman, faeries,
or
>whatever you are.
Joel: So the Hound cannot distinguish between an old man with a singed
beard
and a *bunch* of little woodland sprites?
Crow: Maybe he really does have eyes made of ice.
Tom: Or glass.
>But I have one question before I return to my slumber."
Mike [Hound]: "Got any more of them Kibbles 'N Bits?"
> "Which is, oh Hound of Culan," the faeries-speaking-through-the-shaman
>asked.
Joel: So now the shaman is just a vessel of the faeries, who were perfectly
able to speak on their own earlier to the Bear.
Mike [faeries]: "Say hello to the nice people, Shaman."
Tom [old man]: "Hello people!"
> "What of my descendants? Have the kept the way that Merlyn,
the druids,
>and I taught them?"
Tom [old man]: "Yes, oh Hound. They drink until insensibility
for six nights
out of seven."
Crow [Hound]: "What about the wenching?"
Tom [old man]: "Well, ever since the sexual harassment laws, it's been
a bit
of a problem..."
> "Yes Hound of Culan, the next to be born will be the greatest
master
>of your way that this world has seen for over a thousand years."
Mike: Cue the self-insert!
Tom [old man]: "He'll be an even better whiner than you were!
What's more, he
has even less work ethic! He's a definite chip off the
old block, lemme tell
you!"
Crow [old man]: "And he shall be known as... Puppy of Culan!"
> "Then he must be the StarSworn of whom you spoke."
> "We do not know that. Now Great Bear, the Hound and the
Son of the
>Lake have agreed, do you?"
Crow [old man]: "Come on! This time-share in Miami Beach is just
perfect for
you! Just ask your two friends here, and make sure to sign
on the dotted
line!"
Joel [Bear]: "Throw in a pot of honey and the picnic basket and you're
on!"
> The Great Bear sighed, he didn't like to have to make decisions
of this
>magnitude without ample time to think. But then again, thinking
wasn't his
>strong point. "Alright shaman. You have a deal."
Tom [Bear]: "I'll *sign* your stupid petition! Just don't harass
me
anymore!"
Crow [shaman]: "Naive fool! BWAHAHAHAHA!! Oops, I mean...
I am very grateful,
oh Great Bear, thank you... *coughsuckercough*...."
>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Mike: Oh, thank heaven! That scene's completed!
Tom: The scene change that almost never came!
Joel: Hey, my sister has a necklace like that!
> Akane Tendo stood within the strange building and looked around
at the
>decrepit state it was in.
Joel: After the Tendo kitchen was blown up from Akane's cooking, the
house
never seemed the same...
Crow [Soun]: "You BLEW it up! Damn your cooking! Damn it
all to HELL!"
>Vines covered some sections of the walls, piles of rubble where the
walls
>had fallen, and spider webs with dust covered everything.
Mike: Let Kasumi out of the house for three hours and this is what you
get.
Joel [Kasumi]: "I'm home from shopping, and... oh my!"
>Everything but the strange crystal statue along the far wall of the room.
Tom: Those strange crystal statues are habitually overlooked, you know...
Crow: Once a week, the cleaners came for the sole purpose of freshening
the statue's makeup and doing its hair.
Joel: Sure, most homes nowadays have a crystal statue but THIS one
is just
plain WEIRD....
>The statue, she noted, was in the shape of a man. A bishonen
looking man
>who held a long and thin sword.
Joel: Lenin he ain't.
Crow: Hmm... anatomically correct as well?
>The statue looked as if it had been carved just that day and was shaped
by the
>greatest artists alive. The statue did look alive in fact.
Tom: There must have been some magic in that new needle-sword they found.
Crow [narrator]: "In fact, it IS alive! It's alive and OH MY
GOD, IT'S COMING
THIS WAY!!! YAHHHHHHH!!!!"
> /This is weird,/ Akane thought.
> /Is it so unusual daughter of the faeries,/ a strange voice
asked as
>it filled Akane's mind.
Mike: Umm... usually, when voices or people ask things, they use
question
marks...
Tom [Soun]: "Hey! I am NOT a faerie!"
Mike: So would that make her the daughter of the old man too?
Joel: If Akane's the daughter of the faeries, what does that make Ranma?
Crow: Son of the son of the Culan-bit---
Joel: Crow!
> /Who's there? Who are you? What are you doing in my head,/
Akane
>screamed mentally.
Tom [Akane]: "If you don't get out in three seconds, I'll be mentally
malleting
the whole place! And trust me, it's going to hurt me a
lot more than it will
you!"
Crow [voice]: "Wow, this place is flooded!"
> /I am the granter of desires, all desires. It is I who
seek to fulfill
>all of your deepest wants and needs.
All: Yay. Another fiance. Woo hoo.
>It is I who brought life into this world and gave mankind it's start.
Tom [voice]: "It is I who gave mankind $1500, a top hat, and a pair
of dice."
Crow: Wow... so this voice was responsible for Mick Foley's WWF career?
>To some I am known as Prometheus. To others I am called
Raven, Coyote,
>the Great Manitou.
Mike [voice]: "But you may call me Timmy Big Hands."
>I am the master of magic, the holder of wisdom, the granter of strength.
>I am Djinn greater than that which Aladdin held within a his ring.
Joel [voice]: "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the
pebble
in your freshly-cemented driveway!"
Crow [Akane]: "Well, I am woman... hear me ROAR!"
Tom [voice]: "AAAH!!"
>I gave Rama the powers necessary to finish his quest and I inspired
Heracles
>throughout his Twelve Labors.
Tom [Heracles]: "Dammit, if you'd quit knocking me up I wouldn't be
having these
labors! Oooh, another contraction! OWWWW!"
Crow [voice]: "I then inspired a great man named James Wilkes Booth...
that didn't
go over well at the Goddess Relief Office though."
>I led the way for Jason and made sure Ulysses found his way home to
Ithaca. Then
>I made sure all of the suitors were slain by he, the old man, and
his son.
Tom [voice]: "Then I made quiche and invited the ladies over for Tupperware...."
Mike [voice]: "For you see, I have the power to decide who lives and
who dies. Now
do you know why I've summoned you here?"
Crow: HEY! I called it first!
>I protected Hiawatha until he could take care of himself and brought
safety
>to Lief Erikson.
Joel [voice]: "I was the one who protected all of King Henry VIII's
wives as well...
but I don't like talking about that one often."
>It was I who made sure Arthur of Camelot held Excalibur and Lancelot got his queen.
Crow [voice]: "Or was it made sure Arthur of Camelot held Lancelot and
Excalibur got
his queen? Never remember what I was supposed to do there..."
Tom: Okay, okay, we've heard your qualifications, now GET ON WITH IT!
>Throughout history I have been the friend of mankind. Now I come to you./
Mike [voice]: "Now I need a friend of womankind! A little nookie!
Don'tcha
understand?"
> /What do you want from me?/
> /No, it is not what I want from you?
Joel [voice]: "It's what I want from you."
Tom [Akane]: "Oh, I see... huh?"
>What do you want from me Tendo Akane?/
> /What... do I want... from you?/
Mike: The spirit's coming off rather weak, but the flesh is wanting.
Joel [voice]: "No, Akane... it's 'what do you want from me'."
Tom [Akane]: "Oh, I see... huh??"
> /Yes. What do you desire? Tell me what you need
and I shall provide.
>Within my grasp are your dreams, within my hand I hold your fondest
wishes.
Crow [voice]: "And within my pants, I hold...."
Joel: Crow!
Crow: What! I was going to say "my bologna sandwich"!
>Everything you ask, I can provide./
> /You could give me anything?/
> /Everything./
Mike [Akane]: "Okay, fine. I'm calling your bluff! Gimme everything
right now!"
All [voice, singing]: "Everything I do... I do it for you...."
Joel [Akane]: "Okay, let's start with NEVER singing Brian Adams to
me again...."
> Images flew across Akane's mind as the crystalline figure told
her of
>it's promises.
Tom [voice]: "Suddenly I'm having flashbacks of 1984...."
Mike [Akane]: "The year or the book?"
Tom [voice]: "Both."
>Ranma and Akane holding hands; Shampoo/Kodachi/Ukyou fighting and Akane
>defeating each of them;
Crow: So Akane's fondest wish with Ranma is to HOLD HANDS?!? Come
on, show a little
imagination, why don't ya!
Tom: Aww, come on! If the three of them are fighting each other
at the same time,
*I* could hover in and hand them their candy asses on silver
plates!
>Akane being Ranma's equal in single combat;
Mike [voice]: "Your wish is my command. I'll restore Ranma's moxibustion."
Joel [Akane]: "No! Not equal like that! Equal *good*!"
>Akane cooking and it turning out better than Kasumi's;
Mike: CAN YA SMELL WHAT THE AKANE'S COOKING?!
Tom: Oh God no, I'd rather not...
Crow: Moments later, hell experienced its first ice age.
>Akane swimming; Akane watching her children running free in the sunlight.
Crow: And Akane chasing after them as fast as she can manage, trying
to catch
the one who broke the good china.
> /Is that what you want?/
Tom [Akane]: "Well, if you can swing it that I get to keep my good china..."
Crow [Akane]: "Oh, sure, we'll get to that stuff EVENTUALLY... but
for now, how
about a couple of muscular cabana boys to run oil on me?"
> /Ye... yes. More than anything,/ Akane felt like something
was breaking down
>inside of her.
Mike [scratchy voice]: Inside her body, many of tiny molecules of food
are JUST NOW
in the process of digestion while her body splits them up for
their calories,
breaking down the bonds that used to comprise the food...
Joel: 'The Nature of Akane'. Next week, on The Discovery Channel.
>She felt like crying.
Tom [Akane]: "You talk the talk, <sniff>, but do you walk the walk?"
Mike [voice]: "How can I?! I'm a bleeping statue!!"
Crow: [Akane, singing] To dreammmmmmm... the impossible... DREAM!!!
<sobbing>
> /There there, do not be ashamed of your desires. They
are among the noblest
>I have ever heard./
> /They are? You mean it isn't wrong for me to have them?/
Tom [voice]: "Are you kidding? You should see the visions I got
from Kodachi when I
offered her desires... I never knew there were so many ways to
tie up a boy with
ribbons... <shudders>"
> /No. It is never wrong to wish for love. You are
a warrior, never be ashamed
>of that. You are a girl, never be ashamed of that.
You love this Ranma, never
>be ashamed of that.
Joel [voice]: "On the other hand, you're in this fic with me and didn't
bring anyone
else... that's rather shameful."
>These are the things that give you the strength you need. Truly I have
chosen well
>in decided to grant your desires Tendo Akane./
Mike: Hey whoa wait! He's 'indecided' on granting those desires!
I thought he was
going to go full bore and give Akane the world and a couple passing
comets for good
measure!
> /Then you can help?/
Tom [voice]: "Yes. I know the number of a good psychiatrist.
He treats people that
talk to strange bishonen crystal statues."
> /Yes. Tomorrow I want you to take a hike into a small forest right outside of Tokyo.
Joel: Okay, small forest outside Tokyo. Granted, you'd have to
take a Ryouga-like
distance hike, but we can see that...
>Head southeast into for 2.5 hours and you will reach my temple.
Mike [voice]: "Then go southeast for another 500 yards and you will
reach my earlobe."
Tom: Hike from Nerima southeast and come to forest?!? Well, you
might want to
reconsider, Mr. Crystal Statue Voice.
Crow: Hey! Is he related to you, Magic Voice?
Magic Voice: He sounds like my pathological liar brother, as a matter
of fact.
>Tell know one of this.
Crow [voice]: "Or they might 'no' too much!"
>Tomorrow one of your desires shall be granted./
> /Thank you,/ Akane said as she nearly choked on tears of happiness.
> /No, thank you Tendo Akane. Now awaken.../
All [singing]: "She can see clearly now, the rain is gone... she can
see all
obstacles in her way..."
>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Joel: 'The Old West' for $200 please, Alex.
Crow [Alex Trebek]: "Its best incarnation was invented in 1873 by Joseph
Glidden."
Joel: What is... barbed wire?
Crow: [Alex Trebek] "That is correct!"
> Akane awoke with a start and looked over at her clock.
Tom [Akane]: "Oh no! I'm in a five o'clock world and the whistle
just blew!"
Mike [clock]: "Why did you go and betray me, Akane? Didn't I
ever tell you that
I'm a magical clock that can give you everything *AND* a bag
of chips?"
>The red digital display read 4:30 A.M. Slowly she shook her head
as she
>tried to banish the strange dream from her mind.
Mike [Akane]: "For crimes against my sanity, you shall be BANISHED FOREVER!"
>/That is what it was, wasn't it?/ She had no answer, but something
kept
>telling her that it was true.
Joel [teddy bear]: "Yeah, Akane! It's me, your teddy bear!
It was completely
true, right down to the last cobweb!"
Tom [desk lamp]: "Hey! Don't listen to that stupid stuffed animal!
It's me, your
desk lamp... and trust me, you had that sushi WAY too late last
evening."
Crow: Poor Akane, going stir crazy as a result of this fic...
Mike: Her! What about us?!
>Akane struggled with the thought for a few minutes until her eyes got
heavy and
>she fell into deepest slumber once more.
Tom: And now... SLEEEEEEEP!
Crow: Man, she should lay off the Nyquil nightcaps...
>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Mike: Duck's fingers are doing the two-step all over the numberpad again...
Joel [bored tone]: "And if you look three degress lower on the ascension,
you will
come across the constellation 'straight line'."
> Cedric departed the plane with a yawn, he was tired and hungry
after his 18 hour
>plane ride.
Crow: That's strange, most people attempt to sleep and eat on the plane.
Tom [pilot]: "This is your captain speaking... nonstop service from
London to Japan
on flight 1022 this morning will NOT include any food, and if
you try to sleep our
stewardesses will poke you with large sticks. Thank you
for flying Northwestern."
>/But still,/ he thought, /Here I am, Japan. Land of the Rising
Sun and makers
>of video games./
Mike: Whaddaya know! That is the VERY REASON that there are 125
million people in
Japan!
Crow [Cedric] "Yeah, the beauty of Japan's culture, its magnificent
scenery... the
hell with that crap! Give me Street Fighter EX 3!"
> He headed to the baggage claim to wait for his luggage and held
opened
>up the envelope his grandfather had given him.
Joel: Who is "held"?
Crow: Probably Cedric's manservant. I'm guessing he also holds
the coconuts.
Tom [airport security]: "Sorry, sir, it seems we've lost all our luggage
due to our
inability to do anything right except create video games.
But please take this
Gameboy as a token of our apology!
>Looking around for an empty chair he saw a very strange man looking at him intently.
Crow [Cedric]: "He will do finely. Excuse me, sir? Would you mind if I sit on you?"
>The man made no move however, so Cedric paid him no heed.
Joel [man]: "You're forgetting that I have no USE for foreign heed!
BWAHAHAHA!!"
Crow: [groans]
> "Ah, here's a chair," Cedric mumbled as he sat down and read
the letter
>his grandfather had written him...
Tom [letter]: "Dear Cedric, you may already be a millionaire!"
Mike [letter]: "Dear Cedric, you can now buy twelve CDs for a penny!"
> Dear Cedric,
> I hope your plane ride was without incident and if you followed
my instructions,
>which I know you did,
Joel [letter]: "...you are in New York trying to prevent Danny DeVito
and Daniel
Stern from entering your apartment.
Mike [letter]: "Don't forget, the Micro Machines are in the toybox
on the second
floor..."
>you are sitting in the baggage claim reading this.
Tom [grandfather]: "I know! I'll tell him to sit *in* the baggage
claim! He's so
stupid, he'll be getting beaned with luggage for the rest of
the day!"
>Well I'll cut through the crap and get to the point, you are in danger.
Mike [letter]: "Watch out for falling luggage, you feeb. Get some
common sense!"
Tom [letter]: "...unless you copy this letter six times and mail them
to your
friends. Then you will have good fortune!"
>It pains me to tell you that I am either dead, dying, or soon to die.
Joel: Strictly speaking, isn't "dying" much the same as "soon to die"?
Tom [letter]: "And if you catch me at about six in the morning, I'm
all three!"
>The soulless who killed your girlfriend are after you and they are after me.
Tom [letter]: "But be warned... the soulless are known to be line cutters."
Crow: The soulless... who?
Mike [singing]: "I've got no soul to sell..."
>Luckily, they'll underestimate you this time. I on the other
hand, shall not
>be so lucky.
Tom [singing]: Luck be a lady... luck be a lady to-NIGHT!
Crow [letter]: "Don't you start trusting rabbit's feet either!
Look where it
got me!"
>They know me and my past efforts against them. I do take pride
in knowing
>that our school will live on with the strength of the greatest master
in over a
>thousand years, you.
Joel [Cedric]: "For what it's worth, grandpa, my heart will go on!
And on, and
on..."
>But then I also take pride in knowing that I am going to a few of the
bastards
>with me.
Mike [grandfather]: "Okay, baddies, who wants to go for a car ride?!"
Tom, Crow: Ooh! Me, me!
> Cedric, go find my old friend Soun Tendo and have him take you to the
Crow [letter]: "...woodshed, and beat the living..."
Joel: That's just a bit dark...
Tom [letter]: "...prom and show you a good time but if he gets fresh,
slap the taste
out of his mouth!"
>1st Tokyo Bank of Nerima and open the safety deposit box in Soun's
name. He has
>the key.
Mike: Or else it wouldn't be in his name, see....
Crow [Soun, ominous]: "I AM THE KEYMASTER...."
>Take the old parchment scrolls you find there to a man named Happosai
who can
>translate them for you.
Joel: One to ten Happosai's going to take our sheltered little Cedric
on a panty
raid or two before that happens...
Tom: I wouldn't bet against it.
Crow [Cedric]: "Geez, grandpop, anything ELSE you want me to do for
you?!?"
>Then you can learn our school's greatest techniques.
Crow: ...from Happosai?
Tom [Happosai]: "Step one, grasp the panties using the thumb and forefinger
and then...
The secret is to run away before you get brained!"
Joel: Guys, Happosai does have his Happodaikarin technique and the
five-yen technique...
Crow: Does that mean that Cedric would turn into a babe like Hinako-sensei?
Joel: Oh brother...
>These techniques are not to be taken lightly, each one has more power
than you
>can imagine. With them you will be one of the most powerful
beings in the world,
Mike: Meaning that a whole piece of fiction is perfectly useless!
He's the most powerful
period! Let's pack it up, Cedric beats all! That's
it!
>so please remember what I have taught you about
Joel [letter]: "...collateral damage. Remember, you are *not* the 3WA."
>power. Finally, you are to stay in Tokyo and train under Soun
at his school. I
>know you think you already know enough but there will come a time
when you are
>deprived your ability to know an opponent's moves ahead of time.
Tom: So as things stand now... the "new" character already knows people's
moves before
they make them and pretty soon will be getting a technique that
will conquer everyone.
Mike: Usually at this point, I'd go up to the menu screen to reset
the handicap setting.
Joel: So the grandfather's whole scheme is to slightly lower his grandson's
skill level
through Anything Goes Marital Arts?
Crow: He's trying to give everyone else a chance!
>I'd like you to be able to fight effectively without the Wiseman Sees
All skill.
>This is an open ended ticket which means you stay over there until
Soun feels you
>are ready.
Tom [letter]: "...to make the doughnuts, you bastard!"
Crow [letter]: "Or until Japan deports you for panty-theft."
>Try to train under Master Happosai if you can.
Mike: Why doesn't anyone want to train under, say, Cologne?
Crow: What about Ukyou? Give Cedric a spatula! Make things
more interesting!
Tom: Well, he could always try Kodachi... she could teach him style
points, at least.
>Be warned that his methods are a little unusual, well, very unusual,
but he is one
>of the greatest martial artists in the world.
Joel: So that's why Akane can stop him regularly when he tries to glomp
her or steal
her underwear?
Crow: And yet Ranma-Chan seems to let her guard down enough for him
to get at least
one cheap feel... hmmmm....
>
Sincerely,
>
>
Daffyd ApTristan
All: [laughing uproarously]
Crow: His... his grandfather!! HAHAHAHA!! His grandfather's
Daffy!
Tom [Daffy Duck]: "HOOHOO HOOHOO HOOHOO!"
> Cedric sat there for a long period of time, first Eowyn and now Daffyd?
All: [still laughing]
Mike [Cedric]: "That damn Porky Pig! I swear that swine shall
HUNT DUCKS NO
MORE!!"
Joel: Hoo, boy... this is great.
>/And then me. /Well I hope the bastard gets here soon, I am going
to have
>to discuss something with him,/ Cedric thought bitterly.
Joel [Cedric]: "Daffy was in all those films and he left me out of his
will?!"
Tom [Cedric]: "I'm going to have it out with him... what are the TRUE
lyrics to
'Merry-Go-Round Broke Down'?!"
Crow: Over tea and quackers, no doubt...
Mike: Wait... Daffy's in this, written by the King of Ducks... coincidence?
> The sounds of people screaming broke Cedric out of his reverie and he looked up.
Tom: Well well, whaddaya know? Happosai's already arrived!
Mike [Cedric]: "Hmm, the sounds aren't coming from the ceiling..."
>About twenty yards the strange man was going on a rampage and throwing
people
>around.
Crow: Customs must be rough here...
Tom: Someone took the phrase 'Swing your partnet, do si do' a little
TOO seriously....
>Cedric's face grew angry and fierce, here was the fight he had been
looking
>for.
Tom: Get the feeling he's easily excitable?
Crow [Cedric]: "First those stews keep me up from London, I'm tired
and hungry... and
what's more, I COULDN'T HAVE A CIGARETTE THE WHOLE FLIGHT!!
PREPARE TO DIE!!"
Joel [Cedric]: "Ricki Lake, prepare to DIE!"
> "Hey asshole. Come over here and fight," Cedric screamed as the man looked up.
Joel: Someday I'm going to have to find out what's so fascinating about
airport
ceilings!
>A brave and foolish security guard took this time to bash the man over
the head
>with his club.
Mike: So, ah... usually, don't security guards try to *restrain* people
or even
call for backup before they start clubbing heads and taking names?
Crow [Guard]: "This calls for Plan 12-A -- The Rodney King Gambit!"
Tom: Sure, he's an idiot... but man, does he have guts!
>The man went down, hard.
> "Thanks kid," the security guard said as he pulled out a pair
of handcuffs.
Tom: So the man goes down hard, and *now* the handcuffs are being used?
Mike: Tom, ick!
Crow [Security Guard]: "You're just the alibi I've been looking for!
You're under
arrest for assaulting that poor sweet man over there!"
>Quickly he brought one of the man's hands behind the jerk's back and
slapped one
>side of the metal beauties on. The man turned and pulled the
cuffs out of the
>guards hands.
Joel: Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the offender laying down on
the ground?
Crow [Security Guard]: "Uh, hello? I'm not done yet! Will
you just stay still for a
minute!"
> "You are a very stupid young man. Now you die, Blackblade
Beam," the handcuffed
>man said
Crow: Okay, I'll bite... who's Blackblade Beam?
Tom: Can't be Cedric, he's already been introduced...
Crow: The guard, maybe?
Mike: That's African-Americanblade Beam, thankyewverymuch!
Joel: Political Correctness: The True Evil.
>as he shot a beam of dark chi into the guard's chest. The guard crumbled over.
Mike: Let's all have a moment of silence for poor bash-happy guard Blackblade
Beam...
as his cremation seems to have occured already...
Tom: Sure hope his last wishes were, "Spread my ashes over the airport"...
at least
they accomplished one out of the two.
Joel: He *was* E.L. Fudge.
>"Idiot. Now you there, yes you boy," the man said evilly as he pointed at Cedric,
Crow [man]: "Ain't I a great judge of character?"
Tom [man]: "Now move in a little closer, friend! Let's get Acquainted!
Mr. B Natural
at your service!"
Joel [Cedric]: "But... but... you're not a man! AHHH!!"
>"Are next. Blackblade Beam!" A beam of dark chi flew forward
at Cedric and Cedric
>rolled to the ground and avoided it.
Tom: Who is Blackblade Beam?! The guard's dead!
Mike: Hey, has the man stood up yet? Last I remember, he was
still lying down...
Crow: Homey the Clown's gonna show up with a black sock any minute
now.
>The beam travelled forward and blasted the chair to pieces.
Joel: Next the beam traveled downwards and blasted the floor to pieces!
Tom: After that, the beam traveled upwards and blasted the ceiling
to pieces!
> Cedric was now angrier than he had been in a long time, no, ever.
Crow [Cedric]: "Damn you! That was the most interesting part of the airport!"
>Without a thought he jumped forward and the man stood there laughing
at his
>aerial attack.
Tom: Act first, think second... always the BEST way to enter a knock-down
drag-out
fight with someone pitching chi balls like they were spitballs.
Mike [man]: "HAHAHAHA!! You look like a FAERIE!!"
>The man grinned evilly and his hand was surrounded by the dark aura
again. This
>time Cedric met the smile with an evil one his own.
Joel [Cedric]: "Smile, this is One. One, meet Smile. Be
careful Smile, One
is EEEVIL!"
Crow [man]: "O-oh yeah?! Well, I don't see your hand surrounded
by the dark aura
like mine! So nyahh nyahh nyahh poopie-head!"
>"Silent Mists," Cedric screamed
Mike: So... silent. Yes.
>as he used his chi to drop the surrounding temperature to the point
where thick
>fog rolled over.
Crow: Which would have made little difference, considering the largeness
of an
airport and the frequency of times it is open to the outside
air.
Tom: Yet another super-magnificent power from our super-magnificent
descendent of
Daffy Duck, Cedric!
Joel: Duck Dodgers, watch out.
>Then from there he concentrated his chi on silencing all noise.
> "..." the man said.
Crow: Followed by "...", "...", and the ever popular "--".
>/What the hell? I can't talk,/ the man thought before Cedric's
foot swung and struck
>him in the head. The man immediately attempted a counter kick
but found no one.
> Cedric grinned, he didn't need to see or hear to fight.
Tom: Umm... he doesn't?
Crow: Well, his danger sense was so finely tuned, he could usually
avoid such encounters
by running away...
Joel [Cedric]: "See no evil smile, hear no evil smile...."
>The asshole fighting him seemed to need to though.
Joel [Cedric]: "BWAHAHAHA!! I notice you need to see and hear
to fight! You should
have a finely trained sense of taste like I do to help you when
times like this
occur! BWAHAHAHA!"
>Cedric shook his head ruefully. Then he closed his eyes and concentrated
on the silence,
the mist, and where his opponent was.
Tom [Cedric]: "and... PUNCH! Oww, that's the counter! And...
PUNCH! Ow, that's the
baggage carousel... where is that bastard?!"
Crow: Hey, I just realized he's ripping off Sailor Mercury's Shabon
Spray attack!
>Then, without even opening his eyes Cedric jumped up and performed
a perfect jump
>spinning back kick to his opponent's chest.
Joel: And for his next trick, he stood still to perform an standing
roundhouse kick with
a quarter-twist!
Mike: Afterward, he ran at his opponent to perform a running tackle!
>His opponent fell back a few feet. The Cedric rolled away, moments
before a beam
>of dark chi struck upwards through the mist. /Shit,/ Cedric
thought. /He doesn't
>know where to shoot that, he's likely to kill more people. Got
end this quickly./
Joel: This is skipping worse than my collection of Bread's Greatest
Hits.
Crow: Vinyl?
Joel: Natch.
>Cedric forward
Mike [Cedric]: "Cedric FORWARD!"
Crow: No, no, the foreword was long enough... no need to add, Cedric.
>and struck his opponent repeatedly and then rolled away before his
enemy recovered.
>Cedric then leisurely walked behind the man and aimed for the top
of the spine and
Tom: Thus providing the man with... oh, lessee... a good ten seconds
of recovery
time?
Crow: Yes, always a smart move to hot dog when NO ONE CAN SEE YOU!
>base of the neck. This would be it, the killing blow. Then his conscience hit him,
All: GO CONSCIENCE! BEAT ON CEDRIC FOR A WHILE!
Tom: Make it fair!
Crow: Make it last!
Joel: <groaning> Make it stop....
>/Kill him? You don't even know him. You know the way: avoid rather check,
Tom: Why? Is Dan Rather a credit risk?
Crow: After all, it's important to remember that only killing people
that you know
intimately is the way to go!
Mike: A public service message from Concerned Psychos.
>check rather than block, block rather than strike, strike rather than
maim,
>and maim rather than kill.
Tom: Tell rather than show.
Crow [conscience]: "And don't forget, stuffing rather than potatoes!"
>You can avoid killing him./
> /But at what cost?
Mike: After PST and GST, probably more than you're willing to pay Cedric.
>At least one innocent is dead because of this man.
Crow: Actually, considering the actions of that guard, he wasn't all
that
innocent...
Tom: More innocent than Britney Spears anyway...
>His life is forfeit./
> Cedric then dissipated the mist by dropping concentration
Joel: Umm, lessee... he was in a blind rage earlier, yet he was able
to get
the fog-machine in his mind humming... he's been having internal
conflict, but
it turns out that he's been concentrating on Mr. Mist the whole
time?
>and focused all his strength on his open palm. "Rain of Blood,"
Cedric screamed
>as his hand
Crow: ...started dripping, a red viscous liquid. Then Cedric realized
that he should
have concentrated on making the *other* man bleed, but it was
too late...
>lashed out between the base of the neck and the top of the spine.
It severed
>instantly.
Crow [Cedric]: "MY HAND!!! YAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
Tom: Looks like somebody needs a han...
Mike: [clamps his hands around Tom's head] Don't say it.
>The man crumpled, his neck broken and his brain hemorrhaging from the technique.
Joel: This man needs some Preparation H! Quickly now people, quickly!
Mike: So, ah... what would happen if this man just turned out to be
insane rather than
criminally inclined?
Crow [Cedric]: "Oopsie?"
> "Take that fragger. Last time you run these shadows,"
Cedric said with an air
>of superiority.
Crow: Just what shadows he was running we'll never know...
Tom: Alec Baldwin?
> "It's not quite finished. Witness the power of..."
Tom [man]: "NO BAKE BROWNIES!! See, you don't even have to put
them in an oven!
They're really easy to mix and everything!"
>the dying man began to cough up blood. Then he regained himself,
"The power of
>the Profound Darkness. Daemon Form," within moments the man
was no longer human.
>Instead he transformed himself into a very large and angry daemon.
Joel: [daemon]: "YOU STOLE MY SEAT ON THE PLANE. I SHALL NEVER
FORGIVE!"
Crow: Daemon? He turned into a Cardassian?
> "Now my young friend, prepare to burn," the daemon said as it
rose to a full
>seven feet. Then it started floating a few inches above the
ground.
Mike: Afterward, it grew feathers and a pair of elf ears. Then
it turned polka-
dotted and plaid all at the same time!
>Cedric's hands lashed out in a series of strikes, each strong enough
to shatter
>solid concrete. The daemon just laughed.
Joel [Cedric]: "You know what my grandpa would say about you at times
like this?!"
Mike [daemon]: "NO. WHAT?"
Joel [Cedric]: "You're desth-picable!"
Mike [daemon]: "EWW. QUIT SPITTING ON ME."
>Cedric howled in fury and struck out again with a mighty kiai, this
time the daemon
>looked annoyed. "Foolish mortal," it said as it backfisted Cedric
to the ground.
Tom: Foolish Cedric, Kiai is for kids!
> Slowly Cedric rose and wiped a thin trickle of blood away from his mouth.
Crow [Cedric]: "Did I SAY I needed my wisdom teeth pulled today?
Hmmm?"
Tom: Ah, the classic fight cliche. Next thing you know, he'll
ask if that's all
the daemon's got....
>Then he briefly took in the condition of his surroundings, the baggage
claim was
>deserted save him and the daemon. Then Cedric smiled.
Mike [Cedric, singing]: "I'm happy! Oh so happy!"
Joel: Next he looked out a window to check for weather conditions.
Tom: So. No security here, eh? No armed policemen with
guns descending on this
spot at all? Not even someone to sweep the poor guard up?
>"Well drek-head,
Tom [Cedric]: "Riddle me *this*! What is Wesley's line in episode
507 of 'Star
Trek: TNG' at the forty-minute mark?"
Crow: 'Please kill me off so I can never ruin another episode as long
as I live!'
Tom: That's not even close!
Crow: Hey, a robot can dream, can't he?
>prepare to be fragged," Cedric screamed with a mighty leap into the air.
Mike: Someone's played a bit too much Duke Nukem lately...
Crow: So, ah... no ceiling here either?
Tom: Unfortunately, it took several of them and several more bounds
before he
was able to leap tall buildings
Crow: Superman, Cedric ain't.
>His foot lashed out and smashed the daemon thrice.
Tom [Cedric]: "Methinks your rogue tomfoolery to be at an end, yon hellspawn!"
Crow: Meanwhile, his other foot was lodged in a different place altogether....
Mike: Performing the super-secret double-foot kick?
Crow: Uh... right.
>Then it sent him hurtling through the air into the conveyor belt.
Joel: It what?
Mike: Him whom?
Crow: Well, someone flies through the air with the greatest of ease...
> "Mwahahahaha, you really think you can defeat me, Blackblade?
Joel: So "Blackblade" is just a generic name given by the daemon to
anyone?
Crow: Depends who's doing the calling. Who's talking here anyway?
Tom [Tim Meadows]: "Yeah, the Ladies' Man calls everythang 'Sweet Thang'.
I even
call this candle sweet thang. That's a nice sweet thang
you got on that plate
there."
>I am many centuries your senior boy.
Mike [shakes head slowly]: It's people like him that completely ruin
Social
Security...
Crow [daemon]: "There are too many states nowadays, please eliminate
three. I am not
a crackpot."
>It's too bad for you that you didn't kill this pathetic mortal host
quickly.
>Otherwise you would have won. Oh well, live and learn I guess,
well not in you
>case..."
Crow [daemon]: "HA! DID YOU CATCH THAT, PUNY MORTAL? I JUST
MADE A FUNNY AT YOUR
EXPENSE!"
Tom [Cedric]: "Oh yeah! OH YEAH?!? Well, I AM RUBBER AND
YOU ARE GLUE! SO THERE!"
Mike: Dialogue for the ages...
> "Shut-up before I shove my foot so far up your ass that you'll
need a neurologist
>to remove it,"
Tom [daemon]: "Why-should I-bother to-shut up-anyway? You're-the
one-losing!"
Mike: Poor Cedric, I do believe he means a "urologist"...
Joel [Cedric]: "My foot's going so far up, you'll be getting a free
heart bypass when
I remove it!"
>Cedric screamed as he rose to his feet and wiped more blood.
Joel [Cedric]: "Damn you! I just cleaned this floor! Wait
until your father hears
about this!!"
Mike: Quit picking your nose, Cedric!
> "Ah... your anger is delicious."
> "Like it huh? Well then drink deep my wrath,"
Crow: Anyone else for some hard drinking when this is done?
Tom, Joel, Mike: Hear hear!
>Cedric said as he focused his energy into the greatest technique he
knew. The one
>his grandfather had told him had not been mastered for more than a
thousand years.
Mike: It was... the immortal... HONK HIS NOSE AND RUN AWAY!
Joel [wiping away a tear]: Daffy would've been proud... *sniff*
>A silver glow filled Cedric's hands and spread over his entire body
as Cedric began
>to focus his chi and his anger into one silver-hot point.
Tom [Cedric]: "Ow! Ooh! Ow! Not on the clothes next
time, idiot!"
Crow: ...burning a large hole in his body as he collapsed in a pool
of blood.
Mike: That'll happen.
> The daemon saw this and looked confused. There was something
familiar about that
>attack, it just couldn't place it.
Joel [daemon]: "Didn't I see Bugs Bunny doing that somewhere?"
Mike [Cedric]: "No! Get it right! It was Grampa Daffy!"
>It had been to long since it had last been used...
> "StarFire Burst," Cedric screamed as the silver-hot energy
flew forward and struck
>the daemon head on, point blank range.
Tom: Then it flew sideways and disintegrated a bag bound for Cleveland
from three-metre
range!
Mike: Then it flew in a circle and melted the luggage ramps from a
long way off!
Crow: Then it flew backward and hit Cedric with the recoil!
Joel: Now THAT's what I call a trick shot!
>The daemon screamed and was absorbed by the energy within the attack.
Cedric slumped over,
>drained. He had won, but just barely.
All [singing]: Hail to the victor valiant, Hail to the conqu'ring hero...
Hail, Hail,
to Ced-er-rick, the hero of the East!
Mike: Go Michigan... err, I mean go Cedric!
>*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Crow: From the same minds that brought you Chicken and Stars, it's...
Campbell's Noodles
and Stars!
Tom: Mmmm Mmmm Bad!
Mike: [groans]
>Please respond, I'd like to continue this.
Mike: Well, does that qualify for "asking for it"?
Crow: Okay, let's have at! Firstly, this last scene... with our
mega-superpowered hero!
We haven't the slightest idea about him as a character, for gosh
sakes! Why should we
get into his ritual massacre of a daemon? All he's doing
here is kicking ass, taking
names, and getting even more insanely stronger with hundreds
more techniques at his
disposal! WHY?
Tom: And I'll take the scene in the middle. Why Akane?
If this is a dream, how come
only a couple words of description and that's it? You might
also want to get your
locations down, Nerima Ward *is* the northwest corner of Tokyo...
Joel: Guess that leaves me with the first scene. The setup with
the old man wasn't bad,
actually, even though you might want to clear up the old man/faeries
question before you
go too much farther... the opening couple paragraphs, on the
other hand, served little
to truly grab your reader's interest. If you shorten it
up a bit, the readers might be
able to get to your second scene easier and might enjoy themselves
more.
Mike: Is it time to get on outta here?
Tom: You got it. Let's book.
Crow: Nah, I've had enough of literature today, let's video!
Mike: [groans] Let's get out of here before we're innundated by bad
puns...
Satellite of Love, Two Minutes Later...
"For making fun of my puns, PREPARE TO BE DESTROYED!" Crow bellowed
from the
entrance to the theater. He took a flying leap over to Mike,
who was standing ready
at the other side of the bridge.
"By the power of Cedric, I shall smite thee, spawn of Satan!
This is the fight
that I've been looking for!" Mike bellowed, standing at the ready.
"Hey Crow, come over
here and fight!!"
Crow snarled. "I am over here, Blackblade Beam. Are
you some sort of feeb or what?"
Crow tried to snap off a roundhouse kick but Mike yielded ground as
Crow's leg actuator
flew through empty air.
"What's all the noise in here?" Joel asked as he and Tom entered the bridge.
Crow growled, "Can't talk, Blackblade Beams. I'm fighting
Mike right now!" He threw
a punch that connected with Mike's thigh. "Hey, unfair!
You're a lot taller!"
"By the powers of Cedric," Mike yelled, "SILENT SHABON SPRAY!"
Mike kicked the dry ice
fogger that was conveniently left on the floor of the bridge, and intermittent
puffs of
smoke floated out.
Joel shook his head in amusement and complained, "He's pretty
close to tripping Crow's
subroutine, Tom. I need to get my tools together, and you need
to find Gypsy. This
calls for plan KS-1." Tom nodded as much as he was capable and
hovered off in the
opposite direction of Joel.
"Ha, Blackblade Beam! You're forgetting that I have heat
sensors! You're behind me!"
Crow howled, trying to catch Mike with a backhand fist. In a
flash, Mike blocked with
his arm and delivered a chop to Crow's neck. As the mists rolled
around the floor, Crow
started to shake. Mike took two steps back, a look of shock on
his face.
"Uhh... are you okay, little guy?"
Crow continued to shake, and started to change. First,
his net started to grow to
monumental proportions, his thumbs became the size of bowling pins,
and he grew a tongue
that rivaled a sleeping bag for length. Two red glints shown
from his face. Mike fled
the bridge while yelling, "He changed just like the daemon in the fic!
Joel! I think
Crow's broke!"
"Get out of here! He's a rogue boomer!" Tom shouted, hovering
onto the bridge. Crow
screeched with an unearthly sound, and Mike noticed that Tom was wearing...
a hardsuit.
Gypsy came in from the other side, dressed in blue to Tom's green.
Joel showed up a couple seconds afterward, wearing a long light-blue
wig. "Good
job, Sabers."
"You mean, this has happened before?" Mike asked, punctuated
by a screech from Crow
and battle sounds, presumably from Gypsy's knuckle--more accurately,
head--bombers.
Joel nodded. "Oh yeah. I was lonely one rainy day,
and we had no experiments, so I
decided to have some fun with Crow's functions."
"You mean he's your personal little Gato fighting simulator?!" Mike demanded.
The red light on the counter started flashing. "No time
Leon," Joel declared. "Quincy
and Mason are calling,"
-Deep Thirteen-
"So, Joel, this was worth not knowing when the experiments begin
and end?" Dr. Forrester
chuckled as Frank fumbled around in the back. "Frank, make sure
we have a worse fic next
time for our little Knight Sabers, they seem to be fighting already
and one more should send
them over!"
"Uh, Dr. F... I think I lost our archives in the Automatic Document
Mishandler," Frank
reported, trying to sneer his best sneer as a way to mollify his employer.
Dr. Forrester stalked over to Frank and rapped him on the head.
"You... you idiot!
They're ripe for the taking, and you're telling me that you've lost
all our posts to
torture them with?! And wipe that damn look off your face!"
He kicked the machine and
heard a loud belch from within.
Frank had the good graces to look embarrassed in response to
Dr. F's thunder-and-
lightning glare. "Well, if we look hard enough... we can find
them somewhere, can't
we? Heh, heh... heh?" Frank, after seeing the expression
on Dr F's face offered,
"Ahh, poopie?"
"You're damn right 'poopie'. Get over there, push that
button, and we're going to find
out if YOU fit in the Automatic Document Mishandler!" Dr. F grabbed
Frank by the arm,
led him forcibly to the computer, and jabbed his finger on the button.
--POOF!--
"Take a deep breath, Frank."
o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na.."
The original idea for the SOL's invention, I was pained to notice,
was already
used in my first MST for plot purposes. Arrgh! Well, go
with your backups I
suppose...
For the past eight months or so, I've kept in slightly regular
contact with
Megane 6.7, both working on projects with him (like FFIRC MSTs), or
for him (the
Chicken Balls). However, on this MST he's more than returned
the favor and given
me a rather gratefully accepted helping hand. He's one of the
best at this trade of
MST writing, and he's a great guy overall. His latest project
is an MST of an Utena
fic, "I Want To Meet A Prince Like Dear Old Dad, Mom, Sis, Bro And
Frisky", his
twenty-ninth entry into fanfiction MST annals. Also shortly out
will be "The Secret
Flaw", an MST of a piece of Internet spam. Watch for them, they're
both great!
As for me... well, after this one, my well is already dry.
I do apologize in
part to King of Ducks as well, for the simple fact that I requested
to MST this work
a full six months ago from a computer terminal in Japan. (Wow,
six months...) And
considering the fact that doing this whole thing took me maybe three
weeks solid, that's
about how motivated I am. On the other hand, watch for something
else I've been toying
with on and off since August, "Point Source". My main goal is
to publish it at least in
part before 2001.
And for the last plug of the day... I have built a new webpage
with the sole intent
of posting my fan activities to the world at http://www.nabiki.com/mst.
This webpage
also has Megane 6.7's full archive; every MST he's written in or contributed
to, and
even all of his fanfiction having nothing to do with Joel and the 'bots.
It is still
in the rather lengthy process of being built, but it is rapidly approaching
completion.
Special Thanks To:
Teachers of America
The Authors of the 1st Amendment
>/Here I am, Japan. Land of the Rising Sun and makers of video games./
Keep Circulating the Fanfics...