MSC Ep. 201 - "Infertia's Son", Rei Inverse

Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 201, reel 1:

"Infertia's Son"
(A nominal Ranma 1/2 - Ah, My Goddess - El Hazard crossover)

MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

==

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc. Ranma 1/2 is the property of
Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan and Viz.

"Infertia's Son" is the property of Rei Inverse and used with
permission. This is intended as a parody, hopefully not to be taken
offensively. Hopefully, enough C&C shall be gleaned from these riffs
to actually make this a worthwhile product.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.

==

---Satellite of Love

"Greetings, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love," Mike began.

"See? And that's all he contributes. Heck, that's all ANYONE
contributes on this satellite!" Tom Servo stated. Floating to the
right-hand side of Mike Nelson, the small robot was visibly raising
his ire. "Folks, our production is HORRIBLE around here! We need
to identify our throughput, cost, and inventory! Where are our
bottlenecks?!"

"Calm down, Tommy," Crow T. Robot piped from the side. "Even though,
it always seems that WE are doing loadpans around here. And heck,
when it comes to fanfic we process the lot of it!"

Joel chuckled as Tom continued. "Folks, we come to a crossroads.
Either we'll be drummed out, outproduced and outprofited by another
satellite... or we can do something about this NOW!" Tom Servo started
pacing the table as he expounded. "Will we be lazy and indolent, fresh
for a takeover?!"

Mike, Joel, and Crow all chorused, "NO!"

"Will we allow the Mads to outsource us because we're not willing
to go for quality?!"

"NO!"

"And shall we DO SOMETHING about it?!"

"YES!" all three chimed.

"Great! We're all in agreement! It's been decided, we'll award a
prize... say, $500 of Mike's money... for production increases! More
riffs! More loadpans! More comedy! MORE FICS!!"

"Waaaaait up, Servo. More fics? And $500 of MY money?" Mike
inquired.

"Well, it seemed the natural thing to do..." Tom lamely offered.

Just then, Gypsy came up on the bridge. "Oh, so it's production you
guys want?" she asked. "Watch this then... instead of $500 of Mike's,
Tom, we'll put your underwear collection up for grabs!"

Tom looked aghast. "You... you wouldn't!"

Gypsy looked towards Mike and flashed her eye-flashlight. Mike
smiled. "We will, Servo. And as a matter of fact, I do believe that I
am now leading in production; as we speak, I am providing the
Satellite's flora with much-needed carbon dioxide..."

In an instant, Tom Servo sprang from the desk. "I'll be in the
loadpan if you guys need me! For the next couple hours!!"

"Worked like a charm!" Gypsy stated.

Joel laughed. "It certainly did, Gyps." The red light started
flashing on the desktop. "Already? What's up, Arthur and Andersen?"

---Deep Thirteen

Dr. Forrester looked up from a clipboard into the camera. "Hello!
You four will witness something brand-new in both medical science
and advertising! I hope you are suitably in awe..."

"Aww." was the response through the speakers.

"Scoff if you must, backliners," Dr. F offered, "but my breakthrough
will put me on the map as the most diabolical of all!" Dr. F took
a deep breath and pulled a small contact case from his green lab coat
right pocket. "THIS!"

"Contacts? I don't get it," Joel complained.

"Not just any contacts," Dr. F explained. "These are LOGOTACTS."
Dr. F opened the case and took off his green plastic-rimmed contacts.
First one eye was worked on, and then the other; when he refaced the
camera, he blinked twice. His right eye had a blue Nike swoosh, while
his left eye had a brown-and-white Starbucks logo.

"Pretty nifty, huh guys? Now companies can paste their logos all
over the place while making the world that much more soulless! And
imagine the kind of product reaction when Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt
wears a pair of THESE in a movie! Man, there'll be so many screaming
women slathering over piles of shoes and other consumer goods..." Dr.
Forrester took a couple seconds to clear his eyes of tears.

Mike shook his head. "How horrible. It's not like company logos
are all over the place already?"

"By the way, Dr. F, where's Frank?" Crow inquired.

"Here I am!" came a voice from the back of Deep Thirteen. Frank
was dressed in an American football helmet, pads, and silver pants.
"I made up my own invention to share with the SOL, Dr. F! We're
targeting women, right?"

Dr. F looked bemused. "I suppose you could say we are, Frank. What
do you have in mind?"

"Well, I know that most women watch American football not for the
love of the game, but the love of the football shorts! And taking your
invention one more logical step..." Frank turned his back to the
camera and bent over. Tightly stretched across his butt was an
advertisement for Clairol Herbal Essences, showing the bottle and the
words "Oooh!" and "Ahh!" written all around it.

Tom flashed through the Satellite's bridge area. "I need to clean my
room, quickly!" He lingered long enough to get a look at the monitor
where Deep Thirteen's feed was broadcast... "EEEEWWW! Blech! Turn
it off, turn it off!!" he complained as Mike, Joel, and Crow stood
speechless.

"Never have I had any desire to be blind more than now," Dr. F
shuddered. "Your invention, boobies?"

Mike hustled offscreen as Joel started the pitch. "While you have
worked on ways to make advertisements more... 'accessible' to the
normal human, we have worked on ways for them not to waste our time!"
Joel intoned. "We've all come to the conclusion that many commercials
are long, boring, and pointless and oftentimes they annoy their
intended targets! So we've invented..."

"The Commercial Avenger!" Mike crowed as he brought in a small box
and portable television. "Just watch, sirs..."

A Campbell's Soup commercial started running. In it, an exceedingly
annoying little boy is talking...

Kid in question: Show mom you're not such a DOOFUS in the kitchen!

Dad: ...............check.

Joel looked at the television screen in disgust. "Stupid kid. Now,
all you have to do is click the clicker, wait a few seconds, and the
device on the television will automatically create a scenario where the
child in question has the tables turned on him. Just watch!"

Kid in question: Show mom you're not such a DOOFUS in the kitchen!

Dad: Heh... that's funny... and speaking of funny... did I ever mention
you were adopted?

Kid in question: W-What?!?

Dad: Yep, I'm not your real dad. Actually I killed him. Decapation.
Took a few whacks to get it completely severed though... say, after
dinner, you wanna see his head? I keep it in the attic....

Kid in question: MOMMMMMMMMMY!!! (runs away crying)

Dad: (smiles at the camera and winks at you)

Crow looked at Cambot and continued. "Needless to say, you'll never
have to put up with lame nonsense like 'It's Patrick! He took out life
insurance!' or Tetley Tea's Aunt Welly and her lesbian love... er, I
mean, *mysterious brown-haired companion*.... And it'll help the
advertisers too, since you'll finally have a reason to watch
commericals instead of fast-forwarding or hitting the can. Whaddaya
think, sirs?

Dr. F chuckled. "That damn kid... oh, hey, I'm supposed to tell you
about your fanfic today! Our special feature is an author who wouldn't
mind selling Genma as chunky dog food and doesn't hesitate to let the
inserted character run rampant over the cast! It's a nominal crossover
with Ah, My Goddess and El Hazard, but you won't be seeing any of THAT
today. No no no, it's pure Ranma fun. 'Infertia's Son'. Suck on it.
Go get the fanfic, Frank."

Frank turned his back to the camera to look in the filing cabinet,
bending over to find the fic...

"GYAAAH!" the Satellite's occupants spat out... until the lights
started flashing crazily and the buzzers sounded their klaxons.

"FIC SIGN!" Mike yelled.

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the fourth
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel, and
Crow sat in the far right seat.)

>*blink Blink* did i put the address in right? oh yay.. GOODY!!

Crow: [deep voice] Based on the best-selling coloring book from Herman
Munster....
Joel <Cookie Monster>: Oooh, cookies! Narrh narrh narrh...
Tom: [singing] Blinded by the light...

>Cathrina doo good and get do this post.

Crow: This is what happens when one gets TOO much fiber in their diets.
Mike: Let this be a lesson to you Metamucil pushers out there.

>Rei and Zack finnish the first chapter.

Crow: They finnished it all the way from Helsinki.
Mike <Rei and Zack>: Yeah, that's what this fic needs! More Ludvig
Borga!

>Second chapter is also done and it's unfinished form it is posted at
>http://www.MediaMiner.org

Joel <author>: The finnish form, however, shall remain locked in a
safe, privy to my eyes alone! MINE!

>use the Searsh function to look for me. I'm under the name Rei
>Inverse

Joel: Gendon's latest batch of clones showed a little bit of chromosome
degradation...
Mike: So instead he farmed 'em out to Dr. F to write for us.

>the contract is also posted there.

Tom: Oh ho! Guys, we're subject to liabilities and torts now.
Mike: [bored tone] This contract void in Tennessee and Utah. No
purchase necessary. Contest rules subject to change. Lease expires
in April of 2004 or after twelve thousand miles.

>...
>...
>...

Crow: [singing] I'll send an SSS to the world....
Tom: [singing] There's a la-dee who's sure/ All that glitters is gold.
And she's buy-oy-ing the la-ha-hahst three... li-yines.
Joel: And here I thought it was Jacob's ladder.

>oh, and Enjoy!

Mike: ...the buffet, but remember, only two crabs to a customer, bucko.

>
>_________________________________________________________________
>Send and receive Hotmail on your mobile device: http://mobile.msn.com

Crow: And if you do, you can receive startling emails like...
Tom: The Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe!
Mike: Lost child alerts!
Crow: Forward this email for tons of cash from a faceless corporation!
Joel: Virus warnings!
Tom: Spams about diets including Hunza bread!
Crow: "I'm sick, could you give me money?" pleas!
Mike: Porno adverts!
Tom: Mortgage peddlers!
Joel: Your free credit report on demand!
Crow: And the all-important, "Your email box has gone over the limit
we've set on size."

>-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
>-- File: ISchap1.txt

Crow: Plain text? Aww man, I was hoping for binary.
Joel: Ironically enough, I was too.

>Disclaimer: YAY! Neko get to disclaimer.

Joel <Neko>: Meow meow, mew mew meow. Meow meow mew. Mew mew.
Crow: It's Baxter!

>Ranma 1/2 belongs to Takahashi-Sama.

Tom: <author> BOW YOUR HEAD!
Crow: George Takahashi, Manhattan's Lower East side.

>I don't know who El Hazard of Ah My Goddess belong to, but Neko would
>love it if you told her who they belonged to.

Tom: I never knew El Hazard was in the Ah! My Goddess! universe.
Mike: Does that mean Ifurita is yet another of Belldandy's sisters?
Crow: It's too bad Jinnai couldn't be one of Keiichi's sempais, that'd
be much more interesting.

>Navi is Rei's creation. The Skysaber Show is Jared-Sama's.

Mike <Neko>: I kick ass for the Angels.

>YAY! Did I do well Rei-san?

Crow: <Rei> Eh, good enough for goverment work.
Tom: <Rei> Good? Why, it's WONDERFUL! In fact, I'm giving you a GOLD
STAR! And STICKERS!! And TWO GLORIOUS MINUTES WITH THE FLINTSTONE
PHONE!!!
Joel: <Neko> Ooh, pleasure overload! Pleasure overload!

> Ranma winced as the panda shoved her out into the street.

Tom: Right into oncoming traffic, poor dope.
Mike: And right into oncoming fanfic, I guess.
Joel: [singing] Hit de road, Ranma, and don'tcha come back no more no
more no more no more, hit de road...

>Skidding on the slick, rain coated street, she twisted to face the
>panda as it exited the side street in a slow, steady gait.

Tom: Genma takes the off-ramp, pops his clutch, and tells the world to
eat his shorts.
Crow: Ranma! Check out the signs! "Slippery When Wet"!
Mike <Ranma>: Ah, come on, Pop! I know we've had to rehash this scene
in countless fanfics but can't you at least put some energy into it?

>"That's it old man. You've gone too far!"

Joel <Ranma>: You took us all the way to Sapporo, you dumb panda!
Crow: [holds up a sign which reads, "Pandas can't read!"]

> The panda growfed at Ranma, holding up a wooden sign. [It was for
>your own Good.] The panda then lunged forward, trying to strike her
>with the sign.

Tom: Genma's picketing for better working conditions on the set.
Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "No more cheap bamboo in the green
room!"]

> "MY OWN GOOD!" She yelled as she lept, then bounced off the panda's
>arm.

Crow: Boy, she really needs to work on her battle cries.
Mike: Otherwise known as getting smacked to the face by a fist.
Joel: Nice dismount! The judges give her a 9.1 of course, but still
nice!

>To deliver a roundhouse kick to the panda's head, sending it flying
>into a nearby wall.

Tom: ...press 1. To inflict a nasty burn to the panda's butt... press
2. To unleash a 16 hit combo to the panda's groin... press 3.

>"YOU SOLD RYOGA TO A FOOD VENDOR!"

Crow [holds up sign which reads, "No, I engaged him. There's a very
fine difference, one you should know well Ranma..."]
Tom <Ryouga>: 'We're just going to the bathroom,' he says... Man, I
think I've been had.
Mike <Vendor>: Back to work, Preztel Boy!

>Ranma shifted his stance in mid air and launched her self as soon as
>she lands.

Joel <Hank Hill>: That sentence ain't right....
Tom: <Ranma> Oh CRAP! I've got thermal curtain failure! Damn you,
Jynx! Damn you to hell!!!
Mike: Ranma became an expert at shifting time while talking to some
strange guy named Al.

>"You had better hope he ain't pork chops when Navi finds him pops!!"
>she muttered as she started to rapidly punch the panda in the gut.

Tom: What if he's hamhocks or pork rinds then?
Mike [holds up a sign which reads, "Ooh, yeah. Little lower. Yeah,
that's the sweet spot."]
Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "C'mon! I just had lunch! Can't
you aim for the face this time?"]
Joel: It must be gut-check time. Of course, it isn't all that hard to
check for Genma's gut.

> The panda grunted and suddenly lashed out with a clawed paw to grip
>Ranma's neck.

Mike [holds up a sign which reads, "Nodoka had a baby and its head
popped off!"]
Joel: Genma's been studying with the Undertaker I see.

>Lifting the girl up, he slamed her into the wall behind him again and
>again.

Joel <Ranma>: Uh, Pop? The door's right over there?
Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "Aww... but we're halfway through!"]
Tom: He learned this one from Shampoo. She demonstrated with one of
the more useless Amazons.

>Growlfing, he then slung the girl over his shoulder as he rubed his
tummy and lumbered off down the street.

Crow [holds up a sign which reads, "Get me! I'm a belly dancer AND a
cute panda!"]
Joel: Thank you for joining us. This has been "How Charlie Sheen Picks
Up Women."
Tom: Next week, we'll find out which hookers are transsexuals and which
aren't with Eddie Murphy!

>    ------------

Joel: We've entered Limboland!
Tom: By the end of this, YOU'LL wish you had this many bad cheese
smokies!

> Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane stared at their father.

Tom <Akane>: WHADDAYA MEAN WE'RE ADOPTED?!?
Crow <Soun>: Your mother was all a lie, it was just an actress I hired
for eight years.
Joel: Their real last name? Truman.

> "Yes, one of you three shall marry my friend's son, Ranma." Soun
>said,

Tom <Soun>: Which one will it be? We'll find out on today's episode of
"UNLOAD THAT DAUGHTER!"
Crow: The other two will immediately move into an apartment with a guy
that's pretending to be gay.
Tom: Just watch out for that Furley gentleman... I think his wardrobe
bites.

>beaming a smile at his daughters.

All <Soun>: Energize!

> "I hope he's older.." Kasumi muttered

Joel <Kasumi>: I like my men decrepit and wrinkly!
Mike <Soun>: You sound somewhat bitter, Kasumi...
Crow <Kasumi> I'm not bitter, putz. I'm completely PISSED OFF! Make
your own dinner, you besotted relic!
Tom: Once uninhibited and implusive, Kasumi had found it necessary to
lay low after the... incident... at the local retirement community.

> "What's he like? Is he cute?" Nabiki asked.

Mike <Soun>: Oh, he's absolutely to DIE for! He's a hottie with a butt
that won't quit!
Crow: Four out of five Heeros agree, under Ranma is the place to be!
Tom: He's so damn hot he turned down repeated requests to star in
"Nyquil DOOM".

> "HMUPH. Who cares about some silly boy." Akane replied, while
>looking away from her father.

Tom: Akane's had a real problem with hairballs recently...
Mike <Akane, sing-songy>: Isn't that right, O-nee-chan?
Tom <Nabiki, hissing>: Later.... later!

> "I don't know, I've never met him." Soun replied to his daughters
>question as someone knocked at the door.

Mike <Akane>: Oh, if only I had to courage to tell Soun-sama how I
really feel.... why have a boy when I could get a MAN?
Crow <Nabiki>: Oh boy! Opportunity is here!
Joel: Or Jm J. Bullock. You never really know with fanfics, do you?

>"Ah, that must be them." Soun stood up and walked to the door,
>followed by Nabiki.

Joel <Nabiki>: oooOOOOOH! Cute boy cute boy cute boy cute boy...
Tom <Allen Funt>: Smile, Nabiki! You're on... Candid Camera!

> Kasumi watched as Nabiki and Soun ran back around the corner a
>moment later.

Crow <Soun>: ANTS!! GIANT ANTS EVERYWHERE!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!
Joel: Huh? Ohhh, *THEM*. Heh, cute, Crow.

>They were quickly followed a panda carrying a girl.

Crow [holds up a sign reading, "Here's the girl you ordered, Mr. Tendo.
Sign here, please."]

> "Put me down pops! Can't you see that you're scaring them?"

Joel [holds up a sign saying, "Okay then. You have thunder thighs, a
big fat butt, and you'll NEVER be able to make a man happy."]
Mike <Akane>: Actually, we're not scared at all. Just ask our
neighbors next door, the Kodiaks.

> "That's your friend?" Nabiki asked. Soun shook his head. "Oh,
>then what, they just decided to stop by." Nabiki then said
>sarcastically.

Tom <Ranma>: We're selling these fine furry jackets... psst, pops, show
them your wares!
Joel <Ranma>: Remember, my panda's not only the mascot for Hair Club
for Pandas, he's also a client.

> Genma grunted as he ploped his son/daughter down before him.

Mike <singing>: plop plop, fizz fizz, oh what a relief it is....
Joel <Nabiki>: There's NO WAY I'm marrying Pat! I don't even know what
Pat IS!
Tom: Obviously, Pat is... charmed to make your acquaintance, Nabiki.

> Soun looked at the red headed figure standing in front of him. "You
>wouldn't be..."

Crow <Soun>: Linda Evangelista, come to make an old man's dream a
reality?
Tom <Ranma>: Yes, I am the Red Skull! Captain America can't save you
now!

>"Yea, I'm Ranma Sao-" Ranma took a step forward and grabed Soun by the
>shoulder. "-tome. Please step to the side?"

Joel: <director> CUT! Soun, honey, could you try staying in your OWN
key light this time?
Mike <Ranma>: Form a line, dammit! Do I have to get security on your
ass?
Tom <Ranma>: Now step back... then again to the side... my, you dance
divinely, Mr. Tendo....

>She asked as she calmly pushed Nabiki and Kasumi onto the grass. She
>then lifted her left hand to a small metal object behind her ear.
>"You're clear."

Crow: The Kennedy car cavalcade dodges another bullet.
Joel: Figuratively speaking, of course.
Tom <Ranma>: Loud and clear! Boy, this Whisper 2000 thing really paid
off!
Mike: When the heck did they get outside?

>The other four people and the panda just looked at Ranma in confusion.

Crow [holds up a sign reading, "He thinks he's Clint Eastwood
sometimes.
This is his "In the Line of Fire" impression. Don't worry, he's not
insane..."]
Joel <Ranma>: Oh yeah? What about the rights of that little pig?!

>Then the panda's danger sense kicked in and it started to turn around
>as a voice rang out behind it. "FORE!"

Mike: Genma's pandy sense was tingling.
Crow: Phil Mickelson plays through.

> The panda was sent flying in mid-turn. After a second, it slamed
>into the far wall and bounced off it.

Tom <Ranma>: Anyone up for a game of squash?
Crow: Sounds more like a game of squish.
Mike: Shoulda just stuck with the manga storyline, at least that one
made sense...

> Ranma chuckled and turned to face the attacker. "Good shot Ryoga."

Joel <Ryouga>: I was aiming for the hangman...
Crow <Ryouga>: Hey, I thought we agreed my nickname was Real Deal
Ryouga!

>She then turned to Kasumi. "Sorry about the commotion. Could you get
>me and my... panda some hot water?"

Tom <Nabiki>: Speaking of hot water, guess which moron is in it for the
grass stains on my BLOUSE?!?
Mike <Ranma>: Swiss Miss bliss, here I come!
Crow [holds up a sign reading, "Don't forget the marshmallows!"]

> Kasumi blinked for a few seconds, then smiled and nodded.
>"Of course." She replied then walked off towards the kitchen.

Tom <Kasumi>: The hell am I, everyone's maid or something?
Crow: Pretty soon it'll be Miss Saotome, with a revolver, in the dining
room.

>------

Tom: [singing] A criminal line is all I... all I've ever known....
Joel: I see the fic dashed off a reply.

> Nabiki, Akane, Kasumi, and Soun watched the four people sitting
across from them.

Joel <Kasumi, thinking>: Oh my, I didn't think it was possible to have
that many tongue-piercings....
Tom <Akane>: That pervert's staring at me... he'd better quit it before
I get MAD....
Crow <Nabiki>: That's it, sucker... take a good look at my panties and
be prepared to shell out the moolah when I scream....
Mike <Soun>: Uh, does anybody know if this bus goes uptown?

>Well, three people and a panda.

Joel: Starring Steve Gutenburg and... well, actually, he's the only one
that returned our calls....
Crow: Hah, Matt Leblanc would PAY to be involved in a movie like that.

>"Like I said before Ryoga knocked Pops out, I am Ranma Saotome. And
>this..." Ranma calmly poured the Scalding hot water onto the sleeping
>panda "Is my father, Genma Saotome."

Tom <Ranma>: Trust me, I'm REALLY sorry about this one.
Mike: Genma, as you see, tenders up nicely when you boil him...
Crow <Akane>: So what's the deal? Hack-and-slash sexual reassignment
in Taipei?
Joel <Nabiki>: Genma must've pimped you out for food...

> Soun and his daughters gaped as the panda screamed and its form
>shifted into a fat, balding man.

Tom <Nabiki>: No WAY, Daddy. I'm not marrying THAT, either!
Mike <Ranma>: Hey, you're not Genma. You're Ernest Borgnine!

>"AAAAHHHH!! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO! BOIL-umm. Navi... er... Eap?"

Crow: Oh great, tachyon storms on the Internet.
Joel: This fic transcribed from the original ham radio audio version.

> "I still haven't forgiven you for selling my brother to the food
>vendor, Panda-idiot." Navi whispered, holding a glowing orange sphere
>to Genma's head.

Crow <Navi>: Now feel the wrath of HAPPY FUN BALL, MORTAL!!!
Joel: Holy crap, Navi's stolen a Dragonball!
Mike: You'd better be careful, Navi... Vegeta's been looking for that
one.

>"Just give me one good reason to blast you. Now shut up and we
>do the talking."

Crow <Genma>: Okay, if you insist. Give me your copy of the script.
Ranma, count down to three and we'll start together.

> Genma whimpered.

Tom: Someone needs to let the Genma out.

> Ryoga placed his hand on Navi's shoulder. "Let him go."    Navi
>looked at Ryoga, back to Genma, snarled and let the Light dissipate
>harmlessly.

Mike: And every time Navi looked at Genma, she could always see Ol'
Yeller.
Joel <Navi>: You bastard! Only you would be cruel, heartless, and
HUNGRY enough to eat a sick dying dog!
Crow <Genma>: You would've loved it with a bit of vinegar and soy
sauce!

>She then got up and walked outside.

Tom: <Navi> But if they don't let me bully him, how will I ever feel
better about myself!? I-It's not f-fair... <sob>....

>Ryoga looked at the three sisters and Soun. "Umm. Don't mind her.
>She is still getting used to her bio-chemical emotional reactions." he
>said, without really knowing what it meant.

Joel <Ryouga>: Why, if my calculations are correct, the amount of
serotonin in her new cerebral cortex is finally reaching nominal
levels while her levels of adrenaline stabilize...
Tom: Ryouga and his power dolls... when will he ever learn?
Crow <Ryouga>: DeVry! They're serious about success! And if you go to
the Tokyo branch now, you can study with Uribatake!

> Ranma winced as Navi stormed out. "THAT explains a lot..." she
>muttered, uppending the kettle over her head and then shaking the
>water free of his hair.

Tom: And with a flash upon his smile and a glimmer in his eye, he
turned to gaze at the three girls.
Mike: Bishonen, anyone?

>"Now, Pop seemed really intent on bringing me here for one reason or
>another..." he asked, as he looked to his father and Soun.

Tom: Counseling with Futaba Shimeru.
Joel <Genma> I wanted to wave you under Nodoka's nose for a while to
see if she still has your scent. I have a death wish, y'know...

> Soun, puzzled and a little stunned by the event's in the past few
>minutes, smiled and gestured to his three daughters. "Well, you are to
>be engaged to one of my three daughters Ranma!"

Tom <Ranma>: You named all your girls Ranma? Man, you're more
obsessive than George Foreman.
Crow <Ranma>: Heh heh heh, how's about all three of 'em?

> Ranma grimaced as he heard this. "Not another one..." he looked at
>Kasumi, Nabiki, and Akane.

Joel <Ranma>: Look, at this rate I'll have to relocate to Salt Lake
City!
Mike <Ranma>: Hmm... old and decrepit, scheming and mean, or just plain
violent...
Joel, Crow, Tom <Tendo daughters>: HEY!

>"Look, my life is extremely chaotic right now. I have at LEAST 2
>other fiancés that I know of AND the GUY this idiot engaged me to, a
>crazy Amazon and her grandmother after me,

Crow: For shame, Genma! You promised Ranma to both Shampoo AND
Cologne?
Joel <Cologne>: Oooh, I've been looking for a good cabana boy ever
since I wore the last one out! YEE-HAW!

>three MAJOR curses and four Minor ones... it just wouldn't be right."

Mike: Every time he gets a tarot reading the cards blow up.
Crow: Magic 8-balls sag and sprout leaks.
Tom: Gypsy women try to introduce Ranma to their enemies.
Joel: Rabbits spontaneously combust at Ranma's very name.
Crow: For all your leprechaun-eradicating needs...
All: RANMA!

> Soun blinked... Genma grabed Ranma Shirt and tossed Ranma into the
>koi pond.

Joel: <Genma> Laundry day, Ranma!
Tom <Ranma>: Wow, what is this new emotion I'm feeling... FATHER
DEAREST! LOVE OF MY LIFE! HUG ME, YOU GREAT SLAB OF MAN!!

>"Quit Gripping RANMA! YOU SOUND LIKE A GIRL!"

Mike: After all, Genma hasn't gripped Ranma for a couple of seconds
now.
Tom <Ranma>: Ok, I'll just spaz out then! BLAH! BLAH! I AM COUNT
CHOCULA AND I VANT TO SUCK YOUR YUMMY MUMMY!

> Ranma Splashed into the pond and emerged as a young woman. She
>glared at Genma. "I ain't no girl. Mentally or PHYSICALLY old man!"

Joel: Ranma's really addled as to what "physically" means...
Tom <Ranma>: I accuse my parents!

>she leapt across the gap between the pond to Genma, then tossed him
>high into the air. "HEY NAVI! TARGET PRACTICE!!"

Tom: Johnny Mathis? I'll get my gun!
Crow: Flip your Genmas so that they're broiled on both sides...

> "ALRIGHT! FRY, YOU BASTARD!! <FLARE>!!"

Joel <Navi>: I summon the unholy spirit of Bahamut!
Tom <Navi>: DRAGON SLAVE!!

>Navi yelled out. Grinning evilly, she launched an orange sphere at the
>flying man.

Crow: <Marv Albert> Navi feeds the ball to Jordan and YES! There's one
for the highlight reel!

>As the sphere hit, he was engulfed in a huge ball of flames and fell
>down to the ground, landing in a smoking, charred heap in the koi
>pond.

Joel: Mayday, mayday, Genma on flight plan 239 is not cleared for
runway 18... pull up! Pull up!
Mike: If only they had Robert Stack to talk 'im down.

> An unconscious panda surfaced a moment later. She draged it out and
>started kicking him viciously in the side, cursing the whole time.

Tom: Aww, come on fic. I know, it's Genma, but still...
Crow: Why not just banish the poor fool to Happosai's cave?
Joel: Or Nodoka's bedroom?

> This proved too much for Soun and he passed out.

Joel <Soun>: Hey... t-that's not... ketchup....! *clunk*.
Mike: Man, I bet Soun wishes it was 'cause of the manga reason, feeling
Ranma up...
Crow <Nabiki>: Daddy, were you in the circus when you were younger?

> Ryoga winced at Navi's actions. "Um... Navi!! I don't think he's
>going to feel that." He sighed. "She's not listening..." Ryoga then
>turned to face the three sisters.

Mike <Ryouga>: Now then, how would you three like to star in a Jast
game?
Joel <Ryouga>: Sorry about her poking your dad with a stick... that's a
legacy app that I couldn't quite delete.
Crow: Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos were not to be moved.
Tom <Cherry>: They are Fates.

> Kasumi gaped at the ensuing chaos with an open mouth.

Mike <Kasumi>: Oh my! Is this a crossover with "My Dear Marie" as
well, Ryouga?
Tom: 'Cause, of course, it's hard to gape with a closed mouth.
Crow <Kasumi>: This was almost like the time we watched the dinner
theater version of "Silence of the Lambs".

>Her eyes followed every movement of the young man. The way, which he
>moved, So quick and powerful. ~If only Tofu...~ she thought.

Mike <Kasumi>: ...could taste like chicken...
Tom: But Dr. Tofu IS a martial artist! Ask poor Ranma! Well, later
that is...
Crow: This is a weird alt universe... so does that mean now Ryouga will
not only get nosebleeds, his eyes will gloss over?
Joel: Wait! Kasumi! You can't, he's younger than you!!

>Then blinked and shook her head, trying to stop blushing.
>
> Nabiki blinked at the chaos.

Crow: In summary, the occupants of the house found the need to refresh
their ocular organs with human-manufactured saline solution.
Tom: Chaos? Pshaw. The REAL good chaos is all in Tomobiki!

>At the devastation this young man had done to her home. ~but still,
>he is good. Probably good enough to fight in the professional
>circuit.

Joel: Where they're all staged.
Tom: <Nabiki> Although he does seem to have trouble keeping his hands
up and moving his head while caving in that panda's ribs...
Mike <Nabiki>: I must get in touch with my contact down south, Joe
Higashi. He'll know how to get him acclimated.
Tom <Nabiki> And then we can book fights with King Hippo and Bald Bull!

>    And he Knew Magic! Oh yhea.~ she smiled like a cat and tilted her
>head.

Tom <Ranma>: *sniff sniff*.... AAAAHHH!! CATS!
Crow: Yeah, and Ranma even brought his black/blue deck with the
Sengirs, Mahamotis, and everything.
Mike: How exactly did Nabiki come to that conclusion anyway? Just
because of the curse?

> Akane fumed.

Joel: Hey, take off you gas huffer!
Tom: This has to be one of the very few times she was ever on "slow
burn".
Mike: Hey, Akane snuck off to the kitchen! Catch her before she
performs culinary malfeasance!

>~why did her father have to make this arranged marriage with this boy.
>With that rippling firm muscles, and sinuous female body he had come
>into HER house with his friends and started fighting.

Tom: Another "Akane is violent, therefore she's a lesbian" plot?
Joel: Ranma's in training for the Miss Olympia title.

>He was mot likely going to do <censored.> with a <Censored> to her
><Censored>~

Crow: Ooh, check it out! Mad libs! It's gonna be... a verb, a noun,
and a noun...
Tom: "Dentistry", "rutabaga", "desk".
Mike: "Trapping", "flowerpot", "aardvark".
Joel: "Pottery", "hacksaw", "Toyota".

>"YOU PERVERT!" She grabed the table and Swung it toward Ranma's head.

Mike: When interior design goes way too far.
Crow: Next week on 'Trading Spaces'...
Tom <Akane>: I'll make you a part of the decorations!!

> Only to have it caught by Ryoga. With a quick twist of the wrist,
>he turned the table 90* and flung Akane into pond.

[Tom and Mike stare at the screen completely dumbfounded.]
Joel <Ryouga>: Into pond you go! Akane make big splash!
Mike: H-h-he did *what*?
Tom: Man, this fic's serious about him and Kasumi getting together.
Mike: Now I'm just waiting for Kodachi to come around now and profess
her love of Soun.

> Nabiki chuckled. "You are quite a trio. Now, about the matter our
>fathers were talking about...

Mike <Akane>: H-Help me... *glub glub*... I'm d-drowning!
Crow <Nabiki>: Shh! Don't interrupt! Like I was saying....

>Since you have had other engagements made by your father, I ask you
>this, has he ever done something like this?"

Crow <Ranma>: By "this" do you mean turn into a panda, get beaten up by
Navi, or sleep on the floor drooling?
Mike <Nabiki>: An' I axes you dis too! And dis again!

> Ranma and Ryoga blinked. "Umm... actually, no. he usually tries to
>get out of them." Ryoga replied... "And he also usually doesn't tell
>Ranma about it."

Joel: So for Ryouga to know this, Genma's been serious about an
engagement before?
Tom <Ryouga>: And now it's twice the fun... Now we don't even know
which
GENDER Ranma's future spouses will be!

> Nabiki grined. "I thought so. And my father just told us about this
>today. I don't think he's going to back down from it. So, let go
>along with it, but on OUR terms."

Joel <Nabiki>: Number one?
All: NO POOFTAHS!

>She pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. "I'll write up a contract
>for us, which me and Kasumi will sign.

Mike: Which Nabiki always keeps on hand in ContractSpace.
Crow: Akane must not have graduated from the "X" stage yet.

>You'll be engaged to us till your 18 birthday, when you will chose
>which of the female signers you will marry. That will allow you to
>decide who you will marry."

Tom <Nabiki> This contract will have a no-trade clause, and we are
entitled to a fiance to be named later.
Joel: I'm sure Ranma wants to get straight to the draft picks...
Budweiser, Heineken, Yebisu...

> Ranma looked at Nabiki. "That sounds like a good Idea. What do you
>get out of it?"

Crow: Certainly not legality, since minors aren't supposed to be title
to ANY contracts upon forfeiture.
Mike <Nabiki>: Sex and shopping. And 100% custody of all remote
controls in the house.

> Nabiki's eyes widen at this, and her estimation of him, err, her
>adjusted slightly.

Joel <Nabiki>: Marvelous. Already submissive, doesn't need training...
Tom <Nabiki>: My demands? That Ryouga builds me a massive army of
power dolls so that I can assert dominance!

>"Two things. An opportunity to get out of this engagement and you
>will have to teach me and Kasumi Magic."

Crow: <Ranma> What do I look like? Ronald Freakin' McDonald?
Joel: So it's a contract to engagement yet it includes an escape
clause? Huh?
Mike <Ranma>: Hey, that's cool. Okay, first you start with lands. I
picked swamps, islands, and underground seas. These give you
"mana"...
Tom: And we need a recharge. Let's get out of here, guys...

---Satellite of Love

Crow came to the bridge dressed in a cap and gown. Three desks were
set up on the opposite side of the bridge, and all three were filled by
Joel, Mike, and Tom. Crow held a pointer in his right claw, which he
used to tap the blackboard behind him.

"And when you know you have sentient technology?" Crow asked.

"Oooh, oooh, I know!" Tom shouted.

"Uhh... Mike!"

Mike looked somewhat confused. "Would that be when the technology is
vaguely threatening you with orange energy balls?"

"Not entirely... anyone else?"

"C'mon, c'mon! ME!" Tom yelled.

"Joel Robinson," Crow ordered.

Joel looked thoughtful for a second. "That's when your technology
has evolved to the point of blaming others for her happiness as she
fries people she just doesn't like, right?"

"Correct!" Crow trumpeted. "Now, we will study the subject of the
care and feeding of such technology. First rule, and this is key; when
the sentient technology is cursed, make sure there is plenty of curse-
breaking material handy. In this case, that material would be...?"

Tom practically jumped out of his seat. "OOooh!!"

"Mike?" Crow asked.

Mike scratched his head. "It'd have to be warm water, right?"

"Exactly! Hey, Robinson, no doodling in class!" Crow yelled.

"Sorry Crow."

"It's PROFESSOR Crow. Now, how often should your sentient technology
be watered and fed? Especially when it is granted with a carbon-based
body? Mike?"

Mike shook his head as if to wake up. "Uhh... whenever they support
their own damn selves?"

"HEY! HEY HEY HEY!" Crow yelled.

"Present company excepted... besides, you're not carbon based."

"But still..." Crow grumbled.

"Why am I never called upon?!" Tom Servo wailed.

Crow shook his head. "You're not raising your hand."

"I CAN'T raise my hand, you knob! They don't work!!"

The lights started flashing and the alarms blared. "Later guys, we
have FIC SIGN!" Joel yelled as he crumpled up his doodle sheet.

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door. You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the fourth
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. After that was Joel, and
Crow, still in mortarboard cap, sat in the far right seat.)

> Navi stoped kicking Genma-panda and looked toward the four sitting
>in the dinning room. She smiled and walked in.

Tom: So, she's been working him over for the better part of twenty-five
minutes or so?
Mike <Navi>: Nuku-nuku.... errrr, Navi would like to meet you! Have
any tuna here?
Tom: Nerima... Nerima... any connection?
Crow: [singing] Who can light up the whole room... with her smile?

>Coming to stand behind Nabiki, she looked at the contract.

Joel <Navi>: There's NO WAY you'll ever find someone stupid enough to
notarize that! My gosh, "fiancee" isn't spelled with three C's! And
it is NOT the fifty-third of Febtober!

>"I think that's a good idea! Be sure to include a clause... umm...
>I'm not going to hurt you."

Crow: Yeah, right. Just like New Coke was supposed to taste better?
Mike <Nabiki>: An 'I'm not going to hurt you' clause? If there's any
extortion around here, I'm controlling it!

>She looked at Nabiki and Kasumi hiding behind Ranma and Ryoga.

Tom: The hell, is Akane still doing the backstroke in the pond?
Joel: Probably more like the dead-man's float.

>"If this is about me threaten and blasting Genma, I can explain.

Crow <Nabiki>: Can you explain your friend tossing our baby sister?
Mike <Ryouga>: Oh, that was just for kicks.

>I'm new to this. Up to a few weeks ago, I was just a Navigational
>Audio and Visual Instrument."

Crow: Holy crap! I never knew GPS locators were THIS violent!
Mike <Navi>: I'm not a rogue boomer! Nabiki, who are you calling?!
Joel <Nabiki>: Uhh... I'm ordering a pizza! Yeah, that's it! From the
Always-Delivery Pizza department... Nene Romanova, is it? HURRY!

> Nabiki and Kasumi Looked at Navi with startled eyes.
>
> Navi sighed. "Here, let me show you". Then she grabbed the kettle
>from the table and poured it over her head. In an instant, she was
>gone and a little shoulder pad with a blue glass-disk clatters to the
>ground.

Tom: Sailor Mercury's computer was never the same after she defragged
it as a palmpad.
Crow <Nabiki>: Can you get it to work, Ranma? How about this switch?
Mike <device>: General Kenobi, years ago you served my father in the
Clone Wars...

>A second later, a translucent Navi appeared, hovering slightly above
>the disk. "Hi, this is my true form. And I'm very sorry about scaring
>you."

Tom: <Navi> I used to be part of an android's personal effects until
he replaced me with a hologram of some short-haired blond in a spandex
uniform that put out for him... <sighs> Data no baka....
Joel: How in heck did Genma and Ranma get their hands on an obviously
sophisticated piece of equipment anyway?

> Nabiki blinked, and then looked over to her sister, to find that
>Kasumi had fainted. "Okay." she walked over to Navi. "You're a tool?"

Mike: Of the oppressive Orwellian regime, yes.
Crow <Nabiki>: May I pound nails with you?
Joel: Can I hammer you in the morning? In the evening? All over this
land?

> Navi looked over toward Ranma and watched him, as he gently picked
>Kasumi up and carried her to the couch.

Crow: Ohh man, not the COUCH! Anything BUT the COUCH!!
Tom <Ranma>: I can't wait any more! HOTCHA!
Mike <Navi>: Man, why does he want analog when he could have hot
steaming digital?

>She frowned, then returns her to Nabiki. "Yes, I am. Please, pick me
>up and place me on your shoulder." Nabiki looked at her for a second,
>before picking the pad up and placed it on her shoulder.

Joel: Navi wants to do her cabbit impression.

>Navi closed her eyes and with a soft click, clamps grab into Nabiki's
>shirt.

Tom <Navi>: You won't be needing this...
Mike: Just what Nabiki needs, Navi replicating a DeathWand BFG on her
shoulder.

> As she opened her eyes again, Navi smiled at Nabiki. "Now lets see.
>Nabiki Tendo. Age 17... High adaptation index. Hmm. Priestess Level
>aptitude in Water magic... wow." Navi looked over at Nabiki.

Tom: By the Gods, she's Sailor Neptune!
Crow: I bet the Red Dragons have a spot laid out for you, Nabiki.
Mike <Navi>: Oooh! You also have amazing mental prowess and a zen
master's control over body! You can float through space and time
without breaking a sweat! You have the ability to shoot red beams
from
your eyes and your super-hard Adamantium skeleton cannot be broken!
Joel: Pathological liar tricorders were the best practical jokes in the
23rd century...

>"Now let's look over this contract before we have Ranma Sign it?"
>
> Nabiki raised her eyebrow at Navi's appraisal of her then she
>smiled.
>"Sure."

Crow <Navi>: Firstly, I don't believe contracts printed on "Hello
Kitty" stationary are legally binding...
Mike <Navi>: And about clause #149-B, "Bonbons", that's highly
unacceptable.
Joel <Navi>: And your name is NOT Alistair McCrawley!

>-----------

Crow: Speaking of signing contracts...
Joel: By this time, Akane's body had swelled up to about three times
its original size. Carp had taken to swimming through her open mouth
and residing inside...
Tom: Eh, quick cameo, good money. She got off easy in this fic.

> Nabiki looked down at the contract sitting on the table before her.
>"There. Done. I think we got it right."

Mike <Nabiki>: Your way, right away.
Tom <Nabiki>: Hell, if Jim Carrey can make up $20 million dollar
contracts, it can't be hard to draft my own!

> Navi blinks, and then turns to look at Nabiki's head. "I think so
>to. This should prevent any signer of the contract from taking
>advantage of Ranma of Vice Versa.

Joel: Navi's shifting time before our very eyes.
Crow: Okay. Got it. "Contract". It's already been filed away as
"plot point". Now what?
Tom: Judge Reinhold isn't going to appear in this fic, is he?

>And get them out of the contract. Now." she grins. "Could you take me
>off and splash me with some cold water? I need to be human to sign."

Crow [holds up a sign reading, "Speak for yourself!"]
Mike: Anyone care to comment on the brilliance of introducing water to
circuitry?
Tom: I'm still curious as to how this contract is enforcable.

> Nabiki grinned, and removed Navi's physical form. Placing it on the
>floor, she poured a nearby glass of water onto it. An instant later,
>Navi is sitting before her, human and in a form-fitting bodysuit.

Joel: Gee, that was convenient. Mind showing that trick to Ryouga,
Mousse, and Shampoo?

>"I'll go Get Ranma and Kasumi."

Tom: <Navi as Tor Johnson> Then Lobo tell them TIME FOR GO TO BED!!!

> Navi shook the water out of her hair. "Thank Nabiki!" she chirped,
>then pulled a dress out of Shunt Space and proceeded to put it on.

Mike: "Shunt" space?
Joel: Thank goodness George Carlin isn't writing this.
Tom: Oh, wow! She's storing trains back there!

>Walking over to the unconscious panda, she calmly poured the glass of
>scalding hot water she picked up from the table. She grinned evilly,
>as he woke up screaming.

Mike: Genma, Genma, Genma... when will you learn that you cannot
control
the inserted characters?
Tom: All you hafta do, Panda buddy, is GO FIND HAPPOSAI. Sick him on
her. Watch the fun with some popcorn.
Crow: That would be assuming Happi hasn't been written into an impotent
old man...
Joel: Fighting-wise, you mean.
Crow: Of course.

>"Did you have a nice nap, Genma?"
>
> Genma glared at Navi. "No You Machine b****!" He growled, standing
>up and walking inside.

Joel: This is the true rage against the machine.
Crow: Come on, Genma, go AFTER her! Get some hot water and a sledge!
And ENGAGE THOSE KIDS LIKE A MAN!!

> Akane, woken by Genma's scream, blushed at Genma's language.

Tom: <Akane> Oh my!
Crow: <Kasumi> Hey! Watch your f***ing mouth around my little sister,
s***head!

>Navi noticed this and approached her. "Oh. Hi! Sorry about Ryoga
>tossing you into the pond. But you did launch an unprovoked attack."

Mike <Akane>: No I haffent! Zis attack wahs provoked! The
zzzzituation demanded blitzkrieg!
Joel: By the way, Akane, you're dead. Or at least you should be,
seeing as how you've been attempting to float in the koi pond for the
better part of forty-five minutes...

> "I was just trying to keep the pervert from taking advantage of my
>sisters. Thinking he can just waltz in here and take the dojo...
>HMPH!"

Crow: The dojo shall NEVER be given for any less than a flashdance!
Tom <Ranma>: And-a one two three, one two three... yoink!

>Akane started to stomp into the house, but Navi grabbed her arm.

Mike <Navi>: Wipe yer feet or back to de fishies y' go!
Crow: Remember, Akane! It's a two-buck cover!

> She looked at Akane and her Aura. "Hmm... Akane? Tell me, do you
>practice anything Goes?" Akane nodded.

Joel <Navi>: If I hum the first few bars, can you fake it?

>"Thought so. Here's a strange fact.

Mike <Navi>: Wombats are neither bat nor wom!
Tom <Navi>: Gutting a cat will produce enough for three tennis rackets
and a viola!
Crow: Annnnd... HIT IT!
All: [singing] SO-di-uh um, so-ho-di-uhium...

>Practitioners of Anything Goes attract trouble and curses like fly's
>are to a corpse." With a sigh, Navi let go of Akane.

Tom: Like Akane is now? I suppose the waterflies can get 'er...
Crow <Akane>: What the heck are you talking about? My life's been
pretty tame until you bozos showed up...

>"And you have three.

Mike: Actually, four curses. You didn't count the panda.

>Minor ones, but I think you should come along when go to the Shinto
>Shrine in a few days." Navi then walked past Akane and into the house.

Tom <Navi, singing>: A little bit of Rei Hino in her life, a little bit
of holy fire through her side; a little bit of Scout action's what she
needs, a little bit of sleepin's good for me! Uh-huh!
Mike: Mambo go-ban.

> Akane stood there for a few seconds, blinking. Then she shruged and
>followed Navi into the house.

Crow <Akane>: I didn't just imagine that, did I?
Mike: The effects of Akane's food, clearly demonstrated here.
Joel: This has been a test. Had you REALLY been ingesting Akane's
food, you wouldn't have experienced the previous fever dream,
including such OOC events as Ryouga-Akane violence and Genma bashing.

>-----------

Crow: Hey! It's sideways Space Invaders!
Tom: Here, caterpillar caterpillar...

> Nabiki walked into the den and glanced over at Ranma and Ryoga
>sitting in

Mike <Nabiki>: Can't you cursed Jusens read the signs? No serving your
type here!
Joel, Tom <Ranma, Ryouga>: Hell no, we won't go! Feed us now or we'll
stay some mo'!
Mike <Nabiki>: Hokay, that's it. Send in the cats, Kasumi! And fetch
the hose!

>front of the TV, engaged in a war over the remote, the TV changing
>back and forth from Skysaber to Slayers as the two fought.

Tom: And when Ranma's head started to spin 360 degrees, the room fell
silent...
Mike: Is Skysaber anything like Strider crossed with Star Wars?

>Trying to restrain a giggle, she walked over to the TV and turned it
>off. "Okay boys, we finished the contract so head back into the
>dinning room.

Crow <Nabiki>: Heehee, the 'little pink bunny jammies with feeties'
rider was sheer genius!
Mike <Ryouga>: Exclusive image rights? Huh?
Tom <Ranma>: HEY! WHERE'S MY SIGNING BONUS?!

>I'll wake Kasumi."
>
> With a grin, Ranma stood up. Ryoga followed.

Tom <Ryouga>: Ooh, we'd love to wake Kasumi up!
Crow <Ranma>: Who'd want that stupid Akane anyway?

> Nabiki watched them walk out, then leaned down next to Kasumi.
>"Kasumi... time to wake up." She whispered.

Mike <Nabiki>: We pumped your stomach twice, just to make sure...

> Moments later, Kasumi's eyes fluttered open "Nabiki. I just had the
>Strangest Dream... a young woman turned into a machine." Looking up at
>Nabiki's grin, she frowned. "It wasn't a Dream. Was it."

Crow <Kasumi>: Tamahome, Tasuki, Hotohori.... it wasn't a dream?
Tom <Nabiki>: Uhh, actually sis...
Crow <Kasumi>: IT WASN'T, DAMMIT! IT WAS NO DREAM! IT REALLY
HAPPENED.... [starts crying].

> "Nope. But don't worry. Navi is just like us, despite being a
>machine. If abet a little Weird."

Joel: The ifabet? Must be the set of letters the pygmies use in their
writing.
Crow <Nabiki>: Other than running on silicone chips and needing free
electrons in order to survive, instead of our carbon base, she's just
like us!

>Nabiki reacheed for her sisters hand to help her up.
>"Now, let's go, I wrote up a contract to get us out of this
>engagement."

Mike: Their answer? All three sisters will marry among themselves.
Crow <Nabiki>: This is the only way, Kasumi! Now let me help you with
your tuxedo...

> Kasumi nodded, and got up. The two then proceed to the dinning room.

Joel: Where, of course, there was random panda screeches, Navi
screaming attacks, Akane getting beat to within an inch of her life,
Ranma's yelling, and Ryouga's pining for Kasumi.
Tom <Nabiki>: Why don't we regather all these people in the dining
room, that might be a bit more friendlier...

>------

Mike: In a decidedly more interesting portion of the Ranmaverse...

> Ryoga glared at Ranma. "I still say Skysaber is better then that
>Stupid Fantasy show of yours."

Joel <Ranma>: Shut up, man! I'm gonna be the next American Idol, I
swear!

> Still grinning, Ranma just humphed at this. "I know... I Like
>Skysaber also. I just want to see if I can't figure out how the Lina
>Character in 'that stupid fantasy show' cast her Spells."

Tom: Oooh, you can learn those things by watching TV? I wanna know how
to call the Voltron vehicles!
Crow: I'm gonna make my own sword and learn the secrets of "By the
Power of Greyskull!"
Joel: I'll study Ozzy Osbourne to see how such a butt-ugly hoarse guy
can make piles of money by singing.
Tom: Well, some secrets will probably stay secret...

> "Oh. Hm... Make's sense." Ryoga said as he sat down.

Mike: In a very specious way, sure. It's like looking at the sky to
learn how to fly.

> Navi just looked at the two. With a shrug, she turned to Genma and
>Soun, who are busy talking, then glanced towards Akane.

Tom <Navi>: Who's due for a dip in the pool now?
Crow <Navi>: Once that egg timer goes off, it's Genma pounding time
again! If only I wasn't in time out!

>Akane sits next to Genma, glaring at Ranma. She turns back to Ranma
>and placed the contract and a Pen before him.

Crow <Akane>: Here. It's not legally binding, but it'll fool idiots
all day long.

>"Ranma. I need you to Sign this before Genma-baka gets any Ideas. It
>should get you out of these Engagements of Genma's. 'Kay?"

Tom <Ranma>: And what if I WANT a hot piece of Tendo ass?
Crow <Akane>: You'll have to settle for daddy's hairy butt then.
Tom <Ranma>: Not a problem. A little cold water, and say hello to
Stepmommy!
Crow: You are a sicko, Tom.

> Ranma looked at Navi and smiled. "That sounds good to me!" He said.

Mike <Ranma>: I'd rather get it on with my GPS locator than you three
hags!
Crow: One AM. A monitor is flickering underneath a dartboard pasted
with various anime pictures. The author takes careful aim, saying
"Ranma" as they let go of the projectile... to have the dart pierce
the computer screen. With a sigh the author says, "How can I
plausibly get Ranma to fall in love with electronics? Well, since
Ryouga came up with Kasumi, here we go..."

>Then he picked up the contract and gave it a quick glance. He finally
>signed it a few second later, though he understood very little of it.

Joel <Ranma>: Buyout dates, issues of reciprocity... what the hell!
And according to section 43-b, with my signature I gave something
called an "estate" to Nabiki... huh.

> Picking up the contract and the pen, Navi turned to Nabiki, who had
>just sat down next to her. "Okay Nabiki, Kasumi. Your Turn." She
>handed it over to them.

Crow <Nabiki>: About stinking time we're selling the farm! No one will
ever miss it!

> Grabbing the contract and pen, Nabiki muttered "thanks." and signed
>the contract with a smile.

Tom: Underneath, she wrote "Have a nice day!"
Crow: And dotted the i's with cute little hearts.
Mike: She then drew a pair of glasses and some long stringy hair to the
face and declared it done.

>She then handed it to her sister, who also signed it. Taking back the
>contract, Nabiki turned to her father. "Alright dad, we decided."

Joel <Nabiki>: In five hours the Vogons come. I'd suggest you get in
touch with Ford Prefect... immediately.
Mike <Nabiki>: Number one, we are NOT letting you remarry. Number two,
you're going to shave NOW, mister...

> Soun smiled. "Good. I'm sure you'll agree that Akane and Ranma will
>make a good couple! Akane has already fallen for him and I'm sure
>Ranma will return her Feeling soon enough."

Crow <Soun>: Receipt not needed!
Joel <Ranma>: Feeling, feeling, I know I packed it around here
somewhere...

> Nabiki, Kasumi, Navi, Ryoga, and Ranma all stared at Soun like he
>had grown a second, then a third head.

Mike: The Soun devil-face? Now?
Tom: He shouldn't be getting that until they've explained the plot
device to him.
Mike: It's too bad Soun can't go after the real people responsible for
it...

> Being the first one to come out of shock, Navi shook her head, then
>addressed Soun.

Joel <Navi>: About seventy-five kilos, that should be... 9750 yen. I
should send him "postage due" though.
Crow: Strictly speaking, Navi wouldn't come OUT of shock.

>"No. Trust me... that would not be good. Besides.

Tom <Navi>: As we look at the issue in front of us, I'm sure you'll
agree that we've made the correct decision when you look back at it.
On a going forward basis, we've put this whole issue behind us.
Crow: <Ranma as Groucho Marx> Why, a four year old child could
understand this! I just hope I can find one around to explain it
to me!

>Ranma and your two other Daughters have Agreed to be engaged to him
>till he Turns 18. At that Time, One of the signers of this contract"

Crow: <Nabiki> Okay, that's It! Hold up a sec, everyone! I have To
Address Something here For a Moment... HEY, MR. AUTHOR! Could You
please Fix the Damn shift Key or get A New Keyboard already! All
These random Capital letters Can't be Healthy for The fic....

>she waits till Nabiki has held up the contract for the two Father s to
>See "will Marry Ranma. Both of them have signed it."

Crow: And so has Ryouga. We didn't come into this theater to read
THAT.
Tom: And so has Navi. We definitely didn't come in here to read THAT.
Mike: Well, sometimes we have no choice...

> Looking confused, Soun starts to blubber. "But but..."
>
> "No buts Daddy. From what Navi has told me, Genma should not have
>any more control in who Ranma marries. Okay?" Nabiki replied, tilting
>her head.

Joel: Any chance of the INS bursting in to capture what really has to
be an illegal alien at this point?
Tom <Nabiki>: And if you do not listen to us, your kids, we will call
upon the mighty spirit of Gamera!

>"Humph. He's my son..." Genma grumbled.

Tom <Dark Helmet>: How many Saotomes do we have on this ship anyway?!

> Navi looked upwards and sighed. "Let's see. Stealing the food from
>that Vendor In Osaka. Breaking into the Temple, I might say
>unsuccessfully, on the outskirts of Osaka. Breaking out from-"

Mike <Navi>: ...that shoddy role in "Blue Streak"...
Tom <Navi>: Urinating in a public place in Osaka. Spitting on the
sidewalk in Osaka. Cooking a cat in Osaka. Making nasty hand
gestures in Osaka...
Crow: How in hell did they ever get to Jusenkyo if they were stuck on
the Pacific side of Japan?

> With a look of fear, Genma stared at Navi. "You wouldn't, would
>you..."
>
> She smirked. "But I would... and I got it recorded in Full 3-D too."
>Genma quickly deflates.

Joel <Genma>: Crap! Anyone with one eye and half a brain will be able
to identify that panda as me!! Waitaminute.....

> Kasumi smiled. Then yawned. "Oh my. It looks like it is getting
>late. Would you care to stay the night?" She asked, addressing Ryoga,
>Ranma and Navi.

Tom <Ryouga>: Sure, in your bed if I could Kasumi-chan!
Mike <Ranma>: Yeah! Sleepover! Get some cold water and makeup, I'll
get "Legends of the Fall"!

> Ryoga smiled at Kasumi. "We would, if it wouldn't be too much of a
>problem?"

Crow <Ryouga>: You have a futon built for two, right?
Joel <Kasumi>: Oh my, I barely fit myself!
Crow <Ryouga>: How about having a special pet then?

> "Oh, no... None at all. You and Ranma Can stay in the guest room.
>And Navi Can Sleep in Mine."

Crow <Ryouga>: Crap! Can you reconsider?
Joel <Navi>: Maine? I'm not going halfway around the world to sleep!
Oh, "mine"...
Tom: The newest blockbuster from Mary Higgins Clark, about a strange
android-ish girl and her new family...
Mike: "And Navi Can Sleep in Mine" is available at fine bookstores and
Amazon.com.

>With a Smile, Kasumi Stood up, and hurried off to prepare the guest
>room and pull the old futon out of her closet.

Tom: Revealing Kasumi's secret stash of... POCKY.

> Genma looked around the table. "Where am I going to GRowlf?" Growlfs
>Genma. He just looked at Navi with a glare.

Joel: Growlf the Mawg, second cousin twice removed to Barf.
Tom: Brother of Janet Reno.

> With a giggle, Navi grined at Genma. "I'm sure it will be warm
>enough with all your fur to sleep in the Dojo."

Mike: Sheesh. Then get some hot water, pour it all over Navi's fool
head, and let her sleep on the stinkin' dining room table.
Joel: I'm rooting for some sssssserious sunspot action soon.

>    -------

Crow: If only we could turn that burner on...
Tom: Zeroes and ones are flammable, right?

> Ku Lon looked up at the modest sized house she stood in front of.

Mike <Cologne>: Bob Vila, you bastard! Your days of insulating will
last NO LONGER!!
Crow <Cologne, singing>: Our house... is a very very very fine house...
Tom: [singing] In the middle of the street! Our house/ was our castle
and our keep!

>"This is the place. Come Shan." She hoped forward to the gate and
>knocked.

Tom <Shampoo>: Why we stealing bear's porridge again?

>A moment later, a woman with auburn hair answered. "Ah, greetings.
>Would you happen to be Nodoka Saotome, wife of Genma Saotome, mother
>to Ranma Saotome?"

Crow: Looks more like Angela Lansbury to me.

> Nodoka looked at Ku Lon. "Yes, yes I am."
>
> "Ah good. My Great Grand-Daughter has slighted your son and his
>friends greatly.

Joel <Nodoka>: Slighted?
Mike <Cologne>: Yes. Look at this group picture. See, she's in the
back, and making bunny ears....

>And your husband has done MUCH MUCH more then that also from what I
>have learned so far."

Mike <Cologne>: I also brought that evidence.
Joel <Nodoka>: That... that CAD! He's clearly sticking his tongue out
at the camera!! If I ever get my hands on him...

> Nodoka sighed. "I was partially expecting this. Would you come in?
>I would like to hear more about my son and husband..."

Crow <Nodoka>: So, how have Brad Pitt and my son Freddie Prinze Jr.
been behaving lately?
Tom: Poor woman, she's delusional.
Mike: If you had to see a naked Genma, I'm sure you'd be too.
Joel: So... that was different.
Tom: Definitely! What was the deal with Ryouga coming along and acting
as OOC as he was?
Crow: How much more Genma bashing can the story participate in?
Mike: I still don't buy the whole "contract" plot point. Without
trying to make too many generalities on the legal system over there, I
don't think that's enforcable. And it really takes away from a lot of
the potential humor the original Ranma story had.
Joel: Well guys, count your lucky stars. In the title header for this,
it mentioned a crossover with El-Hazard...
Crow: Oh yeah, let's scratch that scab open! What was the deal with
Navi? Where did the Saotomes find such hardware and why is she such
an insufferable character now that she is sentient?
Tom: So where does that lead?
Crow: I'll tell you! More in-character characters! More craziness!
Less wrapping up of plot-points for no good reason!
Tom: More plausibility! Less pushy new characters that we don't even
know anything about! And finally...
All: NO POOFTAHS!

---Satellite of Love

Mike entered the bridge wearing a red Chinese shirt and black pants,
while Crow followed him sporting a yellow-and-black bandanna. "How
much farther are we walking tonight, Ryouga?" Mike asked. "It feels
like it's been three weeks since we were at Jusenkyo..."

Crow opened his mouth to speak but was alerted by a loud noise from
the right. Suddenly, Joel ran across the bridge area dressed in a
panda suit as Tom Servo, outfitted in a pink jumpsuit and with a HUGE
glowing orange ball nestled in one of his spring arms chased him.

"You f***ing b****! I'm gonna get you!" Joel yelled as he ran full-
bore offstage.

Mike laughed. "You're supposed to use a sign, pops! You're a panda
now!"

"Navi HATES the big panda!" came the cry from offstage.

Mike looked at Crow and both burst out laughing. "I guess we're
walking all night, Ranma," Crow replied. The red light started
flashing. "Oh good, I notice you've made a fire. Might need some warm
water if we want some sleep tonight," Crow remarked.

"You rang, Zaphod?"

---Deep Thirteen

Dr Forrester, green glasses restored, and Frank were both sitting on
the couch. Joel's Commercial Avenger invention was sitting on top of a
1970's vintage set, complete with rabbit ears. Dr. F had the controls
of the Commercial Avenger, and was laughing hysterically. So was
Frank.

"Let's see what the gecko does when you rip off its tail again!"
Frank gasped.

"Yeah! Stupid Geico commercials, you never deliver what you
promise! Cheaper rates my butt!" the television speakers blared. A
ripping sound came from the television... then the sound of
flatulence... and then, both Mads were on the ground rolling around in
gales of laughter.

Dr. F barely caught his breath as he looked at Frank. "We're on,
Frank! Why don't you just hit the button now? HEEEHEEEEHEEE..."

--POOF!--

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na..."

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully
appreciated and accepted at: zoogz@yahoo.com

For all of you that think I've abandoned online life... you were
half-right. I finally finished my education, netting a BBA in
international business. Finding employment was the next challenge and
after nearly going insane, I'm on decently level ground. ^^ The only
other hurdle has been overcome; typing MSTs with a baby in one arm is a
great challenge. At least in this author's opinion, it should be tried
at least once. Thanks to all you folks out there who read this stuff,
I do enjoy writing it immensely.

I especially thank Megane 6.7 for all of the help that he has
provided me in this project, including all of the riffs he's
contributed and also the assistance with ideas (and even some writing)
that he has given me. His newest MST, "Ranma's Revenge", will be
posted very shortly along with this piece at: http://www.nabiki.com/mst

Still to be completed is the Battle Royale MST and two or three half-
completed MSTs I've been doodling around with for a while. I'm still
snail-slow, but also doing some straight fanfic soon (hopefully).

Special thanks to:
Teachers of America (and the world!)
The Authors of the 1st Amendment
Best Brains

>As the sphere hit, he was engulfed in a huge ball of flames and fell
>down to the ground, landing in a smoking, charred heap in the koi
>pond.
> An unconscious panda surfaced a moment later. She draged it out and
>started kicking him viciously in the side, cursing the whole time.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics...

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