Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 107, reel 1:

  "Nyquil DOOM"
  (A Gundam Wing yaoi fanfic)

  w/short "Changes"
  (A Tenchi Muyo!/Ranma 1/2 crossover fanfic)

  MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

==

Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc.  Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko
Takahashi, Shogakukan and Viz.  Tenchi Muyo! is the property of Pioneer.
Gundam Wing is the property of Sotsu Agency, Bandai Studios, and TV Asahi.

"Nyquil DOOM" is the property of Chiri-chan and used with her blessing.
"Changes" is the property of Psyo_Mantis and used in lieu of receiving
permission.  If you are reading this, Psyo_Mantis, and would want me to
withdraw this work from online circulation, I shall comply immediately.
However, I prefer to think of it as some (very) late C&C, and not to be
taken offensively.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.

==

  This fic contains mature content.  If you would not like to be
subjected to such things and your monitor will freeze completely and
your parents will find the words unalterably printed on it for the rest
of time... then please move on.  The Internet's big, and I bet there's
more to explore!

==


---Satellite of Love

  "Welcome again, everyone," Joel Robinson said to Cambot, "to our happy
home that we call the Satellite of Love.  With me, on my left is Crow T.
Robot," Joel intoned as Crow waved to the camera.  "He's the most wise-
crackingest gold robot I know of.  Also here, imprisoned by Dr. F and
forced to watch bad movies with me, is Mike Nelson."

  Mike waved to Cambot, and in his best Lloyd Bridges imitation replied,
"By this time my lungs were aching for air!"

  "Yeah.  And also, Tom Servo," Joel introduced.  "Except, he isn't
here at the moment... Tommy!"

  From stage left, Tom Servo floated in on his hoverskirt... and crash-
landed on the desk where Joel's hand was.  "Hello folks, I can sing...
dance... and I fly through the air with the greatest of ease!"

  The look on Joel's face, however, showed that he was about to invent
new expletives on the spot.  "Owwch, Tom, you landed right on my finger!
Aww, man, I'm gonna lose my nail now!"

  "I'll go get some Bactine and a splint," Crow ventured as he rushed
from the bridge.

  Mike looked once at the finger and said, "You should really think
about some ice and maybe a carpal tunnel glove."

  "No way, that won't help.  Pure-d upper grade heat is what he
needs!" Tom retorted.

  "I NEED... someone to get OFF of my poor FINGER!" Joel yelled.

  "On second thought, why don't we get some acupuncture needles, stick
him where it hurts, and open the commlink to Deep Thirteen?" Tom asked.

  Mike shook his head, and proceeded to think.  "If I remember
correctly, a dash of cinnamon added to a quarter teaspoon of ginger, and
dilute that into a glass of cold water."

  Crow rushed back onto the bridge with an Ace Bandage, a first-aid kit
worthy of Dr. Greene, and a defibrulator machine.  "Clear the area!  The
patient needs a shock!  Get the paddles gelled up, Mike, stat!"  Crow
took a breath, and then noticed that Joel absconded sometime during his
speech. "Where'd he go?"

  The red light began flashing.  "Got me, Nurse Angel Ririko," Mike
volleyed back.  "It doesn't matter, Tama and friend are calling."

  "Right-o."


---Deep Thirteen

  Deep Thirteen looked quiet, almost... deserted.  The walls were
unchanged... the keyboard still sat, unused... the only thing that
anyone could see was a rather newer-looking Whirlpool refrigerator with
a water-ice door dispenser.  Five or six kids' drawings decorated the
outside, along with banana magnets, a Dilbert comic strip magnet, and a
magnet reading, "Are we having fun yet?" A few faint clicks sounded in
the background.

  The camera zoomed towards the back of Deep Thirteen.  Mike and both
robots could see a large, lumpy black shape towards the back of the lab.
This lump began moving, closer to the camera, ever closer...

  As the camera panned to its original shot, the lump began moving ever
quicker. It covered the final few yards to the refrigerator, and with a
primal scream latched onto the handle.  "YAAAAAAAAAAAAA....aaaah??"  The
lump moved a black-gloved hand to take its mask off, and reveal a very
puzzled TV's Frank.  "What in the...?"

  Frank yanked and pulled on the handle, but nothing would happen.  He
then grabbed the freezer handle, and repeated the same dance as before. 
He tugged, groaned, and the denizens of the Satellite could see beads of
sweat pop out on his face.  The refrigerator shook mightily under his
onslaught as some of the magnets and pictures fell to the ground. 
Finally, when all of the activity ended, the refrigerator stood silent
and unyielding as Frank sank to the floor and gasped.

  "Frank!" Dr. Forrester yelled.  "How many times have I had to tell you
that lunch isn't for another thirty minutes?!"  Dr. Clayton Forrester
appeared on the viewscreen, smirking at his prone assistant.  "Oh, hello
Rock, Paper, and Scissors... where's the pencil?"


  Mike replied, "Pencil?  Do you mean Joel?"

  "Pencil?  What the hell, Dr. F?" asked Tom.


  "Oh, it's very simple, my little robot.  In "Rock Paper Scissors", I
choose pencil!" Dr. F laughed.  "You see, pencil writes on rock, it
jams the scissors up, and it scribbles all over the paper!  I win!"  He
looked down at his assistant with an accusation written all over his
face.  "Of course, Frank doesn't seem as enthusiastic anymore about
playing that.  And I see you had a first-hand demonstration of my new
invention, Refrigerator Magnets!"

  "Uhhh..." Frank groaned from the floor.


  "Magnets, Dr. F?" Crow asked.  "It looked like the magnets let all of
the pictures go."


  "Yes, magnets.  They might've let the pictures go, but that's what
keeps the doors closed on poor ol' Bessie here," Dr. F patted the
refrigerator before continuing. "Keeps food and sweets in, keeps Frank,
relatives, and freeloaders out!  Comes with optional 'extra-strong'
setting sure to mess up the Pacemakers of older relatives who can't keep
their fingers out of the Jell-O."  He peered into the camera.  "So what
do you have for me this morning, whelps?"


  "Hey, Joel... get back here!" Crow yelled.  Mike kneeled behind the
counter before setting up a four-slot toaster back onto the counter as
Tom Servo made room for it.  Joel walked in from the left side, carrying
a loaf of bread and two eggs.  He reached into his pocket, and yelled
while jumping about.

  "Owwwwch!  My hand... anyway, sirs, our invention today helps all of
those poor slobs who always wake up way too late."  Joel's bandaged hand
came up with a metallic and small circle that had a handle on the top. 
"We present to you..."

  Mike continued, "The E-A-T... Eggs At the Toaster!  It's a complete
breakfast in less than three minutes!"  Mike took the metallic device,
popped a lid, cracked an egg and poured it inside.  It went into one
slot... two pieces of bread found their way to other slots.  Mike
depressed the lever... and a couple seconds later, all three popped up.

  Joel reached for the EAT device with his bandaged hand.  "YOOOOWWWWTCH! 
That's HOT!" he complained, shaking his hand, as Mike grabbed it from the
top handle.

  "There's still a few bugs to work out, sirs, but in the meantime here's
a sun with two on the side," Mike addressed the camera, spilling the egg
out onto a handy plate while putting the toast next to it.


  "Well, if I can get my assistant to move..." Dr F. threatened Frank,
"I would give you a movie.  It's called 'Nyquil DOOM', and I certainly
hope you like a squeeze of lemon to go with that egg!  But first, a
noxious short entitled 'Changes'.  Frank, for the love of... get up off
of that floor and get the files!" Dr. F complained.

  "I'm too weak... I need peanut butter...."

  "It's in the cabinet, you lame-brain."

  "No it isn't, I put it in the fridge.  I like it cold..."

  "Just get the files, Frank!" Dr. F ordered.


  Mike was just finishing the egg as the satellite began to shake and
all the lights flashed.  "Oh no, we got 'fic sign!" Joel yelled, hitting
the button with his hand... "OWWWWCH!!"


(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door.  You open the top and fall over the
  bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door.  You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe.  You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
  inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom.  Tom was placed in the fourth
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him.  After that was Joel, and
Crow sat in the far right seat.)


Mike: You'd better be more careful, Joel, that could get infected.
Joel: You're telling me...

>This is a Ranma 1/2 /Tenchi crossover.

Tom <Author>: So, meet Ranko Masaki!
Crow: No wait, that's not right!  *sounds of shuffling papers*  Ah, here
we go!  This is the City....

>I don't own Ranma (or any characters) or Tenchi (or any characters).
>I'm not making money off of this, so there's no reason to sue me.

Mike, Crow <lawyers>: But we're here for the hell of it!
Joel: I don't own them, I merely use them for cheap tawdry pleasure

>Changes

Tom: Ch-ch-ch-changes!

>Chapter one: And it begins

Crow: Yeah, that's usually what happens in Chapter One.
Mike: Good of the author to warn us, isn't it?
Tom: Yeah, he's a swell egg.
Joel: Wouldn't it embarrassing if it was ending?

>On a sunny day in summer, Ranma walks up the stairs to the Tendo
>household.

Tom <Ranma>: *huff* *puff*... Man, why'd Mr. Tendo build his new house
on top of this temple hill?  *Whew*...
Joel <Ranma>: About damn time we had some heat, it's been snowing for
weeks now!
Mike <Ranma>: Sheesh.  When will Nabiki install that escalator?

>Ranma goes to knock on the door, but is stopped by the sight of this
>cousin, Tenchi.

Crow <Tenchi>: I am a cousin of some indeterminate person.
Tom <Ranma>: Well, the world's my family!
Joel, Mike <Ranma and Tenchi, singing>: It's... a small world af-ter
all...

>  "Hello Tenchi, I'm here to give you that long needed rest." Said
>Ranma.

Crow <Ranma>: Please stand against the wall and face the gun barrel.
And no fidgeting this time!

>  "What?" Said Tenchi.
>  "Yosho called me yesterday and said you need a long rest.

Mike <Ranma>: Or was that Kagato?  Couldn't remember...
Crow <Yosho>: Ten thousand now, fifteen thousand on completion.

>So I said that I would take you with me I have some business and after
>that we can have some fun."

Tom: How Nabiki would sound as a valley girl.
Joel <Tenchi>: Monkey business?  Risky business?
Crow <Ranma, monotone> We will dance.  We will drink.  We will get jiggy
wit' it.

>  "Well who will take care of the carrot patch?"   

Crow <Ranma>: I enlisted someone by the name of Bugs.  Can you believe
it, he actually WANTED to!
Mike <Ranma>: Mopsy, Flopsy and Cottontail, who else?

>  "I'll do it. You'll have time to think without Ryoko or Aeka. " Said
>Yosho.

Tom <Tenchi>: Like they wouldn't chase me *anyway*...
Crow <Yosho>: My evil plan is working perfectly... wait, what was my
plan again?

>  "Okay, I'll go with you." Said Tenchi.    

Joel: Get the idea that he's easily kidnappable?
Tom <Ranma>: Oh, and could you call me Ranma-chan?
Mike <Tenchi>: You aren't.... you are!  WASHUU!!  STAY AWAY!!

>Tenchi took about ten minutes to get this stuff together and packed.

Tom: Yep, that's usually what happens when you get stuff together.
Joel: And which stuff would that be?
Crow: Double Stuf!
Tom: Stay-Puft!
Mike Okay, I call no George Carlin routines!

>Ranma and himself took the bus to the port and got onto a boat heading
>for a remote section of China.

Tom <Ranma>: Bye, sucker!  I'm leaving you with Ayeka and Ryoko after
all!  Ha-ha!
Joel It was a slow boat.
Crow <Ranma>: Are you ready, Ranma?  Yes, I'm ready, are you Ranma?  I
think so, but could I get a candy bar before we go?  Sure, why not?
Mike <Ranma>: And remember, self, if the boat sinks, it's me and I first!

>When Ranma and Tenchi reach China, they rented a jeep.

Joel: Didn't Popeye have one of those?
Crow: Wow, I never knew Ranma had a Chinese driver's license!
Tom <Paul Hogan>: You should've rented the world's first sport utility
wagon!!  YOU'LL BE SOOOOORRRRYYYYY!!

>"So Ranma were are we going?" said Tenchi.
>  "Have you ever heard of the cursed springs in china?" said Ranma.

Crow <Tenchi>: Not until now.
Tom <Tenchi>: Why would people cuss at water?
Crow <Tenchi>: I've heard of a cursed China in spring... must be the
ragweed.
Mike: Ranma.  Tenchi.  Jusenkyo.  Will China ever be the same?

>"No." said Tenchi as spaced out

Crow <Ranma>: So much for conversation...
Joel <Tenchi>: Thank you God for inventing cheese smokies!
Mike <Ranma>: Ground control to Major Tenchi!

>"They say if you fall in to one of the springs you are cursed, when you
>are splashed with cold water you change into what ever drown there last.

Tom <Tenchi>: And you want to take me there WHY?

>And when splashed with hot water you change back." Said Ranma.

Tom: Ahh!  So THAT'S why the fic is named "Changes"!
Crow: <Tenchi> But... but... they can't do that on television!
All [singing]: Wop wop wop wah wah wop.

>"So why are we going there, anyway?" asked Tenchi.

Joel <Ranma>: To work on my tan!
Tom <Ranma>: Herb mentioned that he wanted another bride, and he'd be
willing to pay top dollar...

>"A friends owes me money." He had the answer planned out ahead of time.
>Living with Akane that did that to him.

Mike <Ranma>: And I'm going to beat it out of that stupid guard, yen by
yen!
Tom: Yeah, Akane has always been reasonable and never one to jump to
conclusion... hey, wait a minute!

>"Okay." Said Tenchi

Crow <Tenchi>: I love him and where he goes, I'll follow.

>Tenchi and Ranma, after about ten minutes of sit in silence, started
>talking about life, women, and just things in general.

Crow <Tenchi>: So how's things, Ranma?
Joel <Ranma>: Oh, y'know, they happen 'n stuff... you?
Crow <Tenchi>: 'Bout the same.
Joel <Ranma>: Author's really thought this plot through, didn't he?
Crow <Tenchi>: So does that mean our sit in silence is done with?
Joel <Ranma>: Indeed.

>        *             *            *

Mike <Ranma>: Oh yeah, before I forget, careful of falling rocks okay?
Crow: Three dead cabbits, sitting on a fence... all get up and start
to dance!

>When they reached Juesenkeyo:

Mike <Ranma>: Is this the cursed springs?
Tom <Guide>: No, this is a bed and breakfast.  You want Jusenkyo, that's
a good five hundred miles southwest.
Mike <Ranma>: D'oh, when did I become Ryouga?!
Joel <Tenchi>: This'd be much easier if you turned the map right-side-up,
you know.

>  "Tenchi why don't you take a tour." Said Ranma as he walked to a
>tourguide.

Joel <Ranma>: Mind the slippery grass!
Crow <Tenchi>: Good idea, I hear Hawaii is nice this time of year.  Bye!

>Tenchi, as Tenchi walked to a different tourguide.

Mike: Whoops, he already fell into the SoD Twins...
Tom: Gee, it looks like the tourguide did too.
Joel <Voice over>: The character of Tenchi will now be played by Tenchi.

>  "Can I get a tour a round this place?" asked Tenchi.
>  "Of course." answered the tourguide. 
>"How much do I owe you?" asked Tenchi

Tom <Tenchi>: You have your choice of three bucks or a knuckle sandwich.
Crow <guide>: No charge, just sit back and enjoy the Kramer experience.

>"I'll cover it Tenchi." answered Ranma
>"Okay." answered Tenchi
>Tenchi and the tourguide took off on the tour.

Tom <Ranma>: Yeah, make sure you take off REALLY good, you hosers.
Joel <guide>: On your left, you'll see some springs... on your right,
some more springs... oops, look out, here we go, we've got even more
springs coming up in a little bit, you'll want to get your cameras
ready for that....
Tom <Tenchi>: Well, what are those?
Joel <guide>: Why, they're springs!  Good eye, son!

>  " How much is it, now?" asked an annoyed Ranma at the answer he knew
>was coming.
>"3,000,000,000,000,000,000 yen" answered the greedy tourguide.

Mike <Ranma>: What is this, Disney World?
Crow: Y'know, I highly doubt the author even knows what that number is
called.

>"You known I can't pay that."  answered an angry Ranma

Tom <Ranma>: I'll refer you to my legal counsel, Nabiki Tendo...
Joel <guide>: Alright, you drive a hard bargain.  3,000,000,000,000,000
then!  Final offer!

>" Okay I'll make you a deal, if you can dodge my squirtgun shots until
>your friend gets out of here. Then I'll let you have the stuff."
>responded the greedy tourguide

Crow <guide>: Eat Super Soaker 220M!
Joel <Ranma>: The stuff?  I think you have us confused for some
Colombians...
Tom: Is it just me, or is this sounding more and more like a cheesy
Nintendo game?

>"Okay" said Ranma with a grin.

Mike <Ranma>: Uhh, you didn't fill that with Jusenkyo spring water, didja?
Joel <guide>: What do you take me for, an idiot who charges people
3,000,000,000,000,000,000 for tours?

>    *            *            *

Crow: It says 'Don't laugh, it's paid for."

>As Tenchi walked along the path and listen to the tourguide, he started
>to think about Washu and the rest of the girls.

Crow: Must be all that talk about "springs".
Tom <Tenchi>: Gee, I miss them... think I'll have an orgy when I get
home.
Mike <Tenchi>: So, seriously, what's to stop two alien girls who BOTH
have intergalactic-capable spaceships from following me to China?
Joel: So Washu is foremost on Tenchi's mind?
Tom <Washu, from three thousand miles>: THAT'S WASHUU-CHAN!!

>  "I'd bet Washu would like a sample of this water." thought Tenchi
>bending over one of the springs getting a closer look. Just as he bent
>down a small child came running by flailing his arms and knocking
>Tenchi in.

Crow <Tenchi>: Den-NIS!
Tom <Dennis the Menace>: Sorry, Mr. Masaki!

>  "Hey you little..."shouted Tenchi-chan suddenly noticing her voice,
>without looking felt her chest.

Mike <Tenchi>: It's... it's WET!  AAAAHHHHH!!!
Joel <Dennis>: Are you my mommy now?
Crow <Tenchi>: Oh great, my chest is swelling up.  Must've been the
spring of drowned allergies....

>Instead of his pecks she found, two large breasts.

Mike <guide>: Gee, what a shame, you fall into Spring of Drowned
Stripper.
Joel <Tenchi> Hey, these are implants! *crink* Oww!  What the hell's
wrong with my back?!?
Crow <Ranma>: Heh, you get used to it.

>Tenchi not believing that ether she stuck her hand down her pants,
>trying to bring herself out of this twisted daymare.

Joel <Tenchi>: I'll masturbate my way to sanity!
Mike: By this time, the tourguide had a full nosebleed AND a sweatdrop
going...
Crow <Dennis>: Whatcha doin', lady?

>Groping for anything, but to no prevail he only found a slit.

Tom <Tenchi>: Oh no, I used to be an outtie, now I'm a innie!

>Just then the tourguide saved himself falling into one of the springs.
>When the tourguide hoped down off a pole that was protruding from the
>middle a spring.

Joel: Until Tenchi dragged him in bodily, with Dennis laughing the
whole time.
Tom <guide>: You know, there's a support group for people who fall in
that spring.  It meets at my cabin for dinner around 7PM and drinks
immediately afterward... heh heh...

>  "I was almost a panda, there." laughed the tourguide, then he noticed
>Tenchi's state.

Crow: Obviously, Wisconsin.
Mike <guide>: Hey baby, here's your sign... "Nyannichuan"!
Joel <tourguide>: Woooowee!  Get a load of them headlights!  Woo woo!
A-wwwoOOOOO!!

>He ran over to Tenchi as she climbed out of the springs and took
>something out of his pocket.

Tom <tourguide>: All right!  Damp pocket lint!

>  "Hey what happened to me?" asked Tenchi-chan.
>Just then the tourguide popped the cork of the canteen and poured the
>contents over her head.

Mike <guide>: Now that your baptism is over, I must make sure you're
properly cleansed...
Tom <guide>: We did it!  We won the big game!

>  "What will... Hia I'm back to normal. Just to make sure." He said as
>he stuck his hand down his pants. "I'm back."

Joel <Tenchi>: Hey, little Tenchi!  Glad to see you again!!
Crow: Hmm, I wonder how Ranma's doing on his squirt-gun avoidance Double
Dare.

>  "What for the curse to be cured to celebrate." said the tourguide; he
>then explained the curse. "So an questions?"

Joel <Tenchi>: Why am I even in this crossover anyway?  And why did we
pull Dennis the Menace in too?
Mike <Tenchi>: I don't get it, was Darth Vader really Luke Skywalker's
father?

>  "How did you know I would fall in?" pondered Tenchi
>  "I didn't. It's part of the equipment now that people are even more
>clumsier, now a days." explained the tourguide.

Crow: Forget "survival" and being out in the middle of nowhere...

>"So are you cursed too?" asked Tenchi as they walked back to meet Ranma.

Tom <Ranma>: Yep, born under a bad sign, been down ever since I learned
to crawl, the whole she-bang.

>"No, but many of the tourguides here are, though." Said the tourguide

Mike <guide>: Someone pushed them into the Spring of Drowned Guide!
Wonder who that could've been...

>When they came up on Ranma and the other tourguide fighting they were con
>fused.

Joel <Ranma>: I... I had to fight somebody, Tenchi!  I couldn't stand the
lack of action!  You understand, right bud?
Crow <guide>: M-Medic....
Mike <Ranma>: Someone's gotta stand up to these 3,000,000,000,000,000,000
yen-demanding guards!  Might as well be me!
Ranma, making Jusenkyo safe for generations of otaku SIs to fall into.
Whatta man.

>Ranma was running and bouncing off poles dodging ever shot. Just then
>Ranma jumped on top of the tourguide's head, smashing the cap over his
>eyes making shoot everywhere.

Joel: Making what shoot?  Hair?  Brains?  Eyes?
Tom: Ranma chuckled at his cleverness... not noticing the bullet ridden
corpse of Tenchi until much later....

>  "Ranma, what are you doing?" he cried from the top of a pole(he dodged
>the cold water shot)

Crow <Tenchi>: I'll make like a weather vane!
Joel <Ranma, laughing>: Hey, you look like a Tenchi-sicle!
Mike <Tenchi>: Not funny.  And get me some Preparation-H.

>  "Tenchi run through the gates over there." yelled Ranma jumping off
>his spot

Joel: And poor Spot was never the same.  Wouldn't fetch sticks or lap
water, he'd just sit there and decompose.
Tom <Tenchi>: So Ranma, remind me again... when are we going to meet this
friend of yours who owes you money?

>Tenchi started to run, but the tourguide had the hat off his face seconds
>before Tenchi could get two feet.

Tom <Ranma>: Hop, Tenchi!  Hop for your life!
Mike <guide>: I'll get you, you Duke boys!
Joel <Waylon Jennings>: Them ol' Duke boys got de drop on Boss Hogg that
time, but they might not be so lucky come next episode...
Mike: Original script by Chuck Jones.

>The tourguide shot the ground turning to mud as Tenchi ran; he slipped
>in it.

Crow <guide>: FOR I HAVE THE POWER OF WATER!
Tom <Tenchi>: So how does it work?  Mud's sorta wet, does that mean I
hafta be a girl again?

>The tourguide seeing his opening and shot at Ranma hitting him square
>in the face. That caused him to change just as Tenchi rolled over to
>see what had happened.

Tom <guide>: Yes!  Now you owe 3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
yen!
Joel <Ranma>: Oh no.  I'm wet.  Ahhh.  The pain.  This is killing me.
Ahhh.

>Tenchi's face faulted as he saw his cousin change in to a girl.

Joel: Making the score love-fifteen, I believe.
Mike <Ranma> Hey Tenchi, aren't you glad you came with me instead of
being with Aeka and Ryoko all the time?

>To celebrate the tourguide shot into he air, causing it to ran down.
>This went on till Ranma and the tourguide noticed Tenchi changed, also.

Joel <guide>: YAAAHHOOOOOOEEEEEEYYYY!
Crow: Dennis the Menace was bad enough, but a cameo by Yosemite Sam?
Tom <Tenchi, singing>: Kiss the rain... whenever you need me.  Kiss the
rain... whenever I'm gone too long.
Mike <Ranma, singing>: Oh I wish it would rain down... down on me.  Oh
ya, how I wish it would rain...
Joel <guide>: If either one of you start singing "Purple Rain", I'll be
forced to kill you for real.

>  "It'll be alright you'll get used to it." he said with a frown
>"You lost." laughed the tourguide, Ranma snuck up behind him.

Crow <Ranma>: Quiet feet... sneaky feet... girly feet.  Waitaminute...
Joel: Moments later, the scream from the atomic wedgie could be heard
in all corners of the world.

>With one punch Ranma sent him into a near by spring. Then Ranma and
>Tenchi left talking about new things.

Tom <Ranma>: So what's new with you, Tenchi?
Mike <Tenchi>: So, hear about some place called Ohtori Academy?  I hear
they're looking for new students.
Tom <Ranma>: See that redhead over there?  Doesn't she have small
breasts?
Mike <Tenchi>: I dunno, but you'd better get out of here before that
Angel lands nearby...
Tom <Ranma>: No biggie, I saw a bunch of girls in sailor suits run
through here a couple minutes back.
Mike <Tenchi>: They must be chasing that swordsman with an X-shaped
scar on his cheek.
Tom <Ranma>: Wonder if they're recruiting again?

>    *            *                *

Joel: And the curtain falls on what must be the Zonk! prize of the
entire Internet.
Tom: Not so fast, there's more left.
Joel: D'oh!

>That weekend Ranma and Tenchi had the best long weekend ever.

Crow: Ahh, *that's* it.  They went for a Weekend at Bernie's.

>They spared, watched movies till morning, Tenchi fought Kuno (Tenchi
>beat him with a regular sword).

Mike: 'Cause it just ain't Ranma without someone pounding on poor
Kuno.
Tom <Kuno>: Thank you sir, may I have another?
Mike <Kuno>: TWO beautiful pig-tailed girls?  I shall have them
BOTH!!
Joel: Ranma and Tenchi decided to watch You've Got Mail, it just
wouldn't be a sleepover without a chick flick...

>Though he didn't want to, Tenchi was ready to go on Tuesday.

Tom <Tenchi>: Better get back to those five women who I desperately hate
so much that I'd rather go to Jusenkyo...
Crow <Ranma>: This weekend was so much fun, I just can't wait for the
Weekend at Bernie's 2!
Joel: You're a sick puppy, Crow.

>Genma gave Tenchi some bus money

Tom <Tenchi>: But why take a bus when you have Cabbit Air?
Mike <Genma>: And why the hell am I giving money *away*?

>(that morning Ranma and Akane started fighting over something, so Ranma
>was being chased by her.).

Crow <Akane>: WHY DID YOU GO OFF WITH SOME REDHEADED BIMBO?
Tom <Ranma>: Cause I already wore Shampoo out!  Nyaah! Nyaah!
Joel: Ranma gave up five runs in the sixth, it's no wonder Akane wants
to go to the bullpen.

>_______________________________________________________________________  

Crow: This was REALLY an advertisement for Viagra!  If you didn't get
excited by now, YOU should buy Viagra!
Tom: And the fanfic is finally put out of its misery.
Joel <Author>: Letsee, this story has fighting, n3kkid women, dramatic
tension, and loveable characters... how should I end it?  Oh, I know!
Shift-hyphen!  And lots of it!

>If you like the preview email me for the finished copy.

Mike: Now, this would be a sweet and touching lemonesque story about
how Aeka and Ryoko accept Tenchi how he is now, and they all
participate in a loving three-way along with plenty of hot and cold
water?
Tom: Nah, it's revealed that Kagato was one of the tourguides.
Mike: Figures.

>If I get enough response I will make chapter 2
>Email: psyo_mant1s@yahoo.com   psyo_mant1s@yahoo.com

Joel: And if I get a million dollars, I will buy your love.
Crow: pyso_mant1s?  Any relation to S0lid_snaK3?
Tom: Uggh, I'd say more like dun9_b33tl3.
Mike: Uh-oh, don't look now guys... we're just gonna get more.

>Nyquil Doom
>
>By: Chiri-chan

Tom: Cherry Nyquil is actually *cherry-BOMB* Nyquil!
Mike: I dunno if I'd want to play Doom on Nyquil... it already plays
like a fever dream.

>____________________________________________________

Crow: Get me, I'm standing on line!
Tom: I thought it was "in" line.
Crow: Oh, bite me.

>Hi minna!! didja miss me?? probably not...*sigh*

Joel: These issues need more than fanfiction.net before they're resolved.
Crow: Ehh, it's just a sigh of the times.

>well, here's chapter one of that nice LEMONY fic I promised you
>all!!!!!

Tom: It's got the fresh scent of Lysol?
Mike: Methinks that the only scents in here will not be very fresh.

>have fun, and ENJOY!!!!!! oh, and sorry, the Lemon's NOT, I repeat,
>NOT in this chapter. you'll just hafta wait till I finish typing up my
>draft of the second chapter. MWAHAHA!!!

Joel: Featuring special guest cameo by Dr. Hibbert.
Tom: The second chapter has been beechwood aged and dragged around by
a crack staff of Clydesdales.

>_________________________________________________________________

Mike: Guess the author doesn't mind bending, folding, spindling,
and mutilating.

>"Bear with me Quatre," said Duo,

Crow <Duo>: I'll play Baloo, and here's your Gentle Ben costume!

>"It's not gonna get any easier till it's done."

Joel: But when it's done, you're not doing it anymore!
Tom: Why waste time on semantics?
Joel: Because without semantics, fiction doesn't exist?  Nor does
writing?
Tom: It's just an MST, you should just relax.

>Duo had been fighting against the mobile dolls for some time now, and
>was weakening greatly.

Mike: He found out that the Knight Sabers couldn't be counted out so
easily.
Tom: Either that or Nuku-Nuku...
Mike <Key> Will you be my frien... AAAAHHHH!!

>'I can't die yet, I have to go back home to Heero.' thought Duo as he
>sliced through two more mobile suits, ignoring the screams of the
>other soldiers over the intercom.

Crow <soldier>: HEY!  That was MY suit, you prima donna!
Mike <Duo>: I thought the Beefeaters were much quieter than that.

>'I don't care, Shinigami has no remorse for the enemy...' thought Duo
>to himself as he finished wiping out the stellar base.

Joel: Ahh, the truth comes out.  He's been busted down to cleaning the
bathrooms.
Crow: Until they look stellar?
Tom: And in the next stall over, Kintaro Oe is hugging another commode.

>"C'mon Duo, I'm sure the guys are waiting for us at the safehouse!"

Mike <Quatre>: The Soviets are on your tail, man!
Tom: But what if he forgets the combination to the safehouse?
Crow: Well, he could always call Two-Face, he's good for cracking
safes...

>chirped Quatre. Duo liked Quatre; he just didn't like Quatre's method
>of destruction.

Joel: Yeah, he's a veritable Bobby Knight.
Mike <Duo>: Hey, Quatre, we're supposed to be agents of entropy here!
Shape up that destruction, and add a bit of mayhem!

>He could never start a battle without giving the enemy a chance to
>surrender.

Crow <Duo>: Fair play is so damn troublesome...
Joel: So much so that his nickname was Ulysses S. Quatre.

>'He's gonna get us all killed one day....'

Tom <Duo, falsetto singing>: He drives like crazy!

>Meanwhile back at the safehouse, Heero Yuy was wearing a hole into the
>carpet.

Mike: Aww, his toupee isn't *that* bad!
Joel: Not wearing a hole from the carpet, *in* the carpet.
Crow: Heero should really get out of his habit of scooting indoors
then, shouldn't he?

>"Calm down, Yuy, it's not like they got captured. You know Maxwell
>isn't dumb enough to let that happen on such an easy mission!"

Tom: Hmm, I recall Jimmy Carter saying the same thing before that Iran
job...
Mike <character>: How many pitfalls could they encounter picking up a
gallon of milk?

>said Wufei, trying to cheer up his restless friend. It didn't seem to
>help, since Heero was still pacing the ground. 'This is strange, he's
>never this nervous about someone ELSE'S mission...' thought Wufei as
>he went to check the front window.

Tom <Heero>: But I just can't wait for two years!
Crow: Yep, still there... wonder if stained glass would look better?

>*BAM* a huge sound came from the back door, and both pilots took out
>their guns for protection against whatever might be out there.

Joel: Hey, it's Uncle Buck!
Tom <Wufei>: AAAHHHH!  Save them, save them, hurt me, hurt me!

>"Heero, I'm back! The front door was locked!" shouted Duo so loudly,
>you could hear it from five miles away.

Crow <Wufei>: No it wasn't, we just trapped it with a bear trap and
a bucket of water...

>"Duo!" said Heero, jumping up and giving his partner a huge hug.
>"Okaeri Duo!!!"

Tom <Heero>: DuoDuoDuoDuoDuoDuoDuoduoduoduoduoduoduo!!!
Crow: Someone forgot his Ritalin Milk-Bone this afternoon.

>Duo blushed a little as he tried to pry his lover off him. "Gosh,
>Heero, it was only for an hour!"

Mike: Use a crowbar.
Tom: Golly gee, he certainly sounds a lot like Eddie Haskell right
now...

>Heero just shook his head, and looked up at Duo with huge cuddly eyes.

Joel: Cuddly *eyes*?
Mike <Elmyra>: Heehee, I could hug you and pet you forever!

>"I know, but you could've gotten killed out there!" squealed Heero,
>glomping onto Duo tightly.

Tom <Duo>: That'll do, pig.  That'll do.

>Duo stood shocked, looking at Heero before turning to Wufei. "Oi, Wu-
>bear! What's up with Heero? He's acting like a little kitty!" Wufei
>reacted harshly. "It's WUFEI, Maxwell, not Wu-bear!"

Crow: So he's of very little brain?
Mike: Wu-bear, Crow, not Pooh bear.
Crow: Oh.
Joel <Wufei, singing>: Hi, my name is...
Tom: What?
Joel <Wufei, singing>: My name is...
Tom: Who?
Joel <Wufei, singing>: My name is Wu-shady!

>Wufei put down his cup of coffee and gazed at Duo. If only it were him
>that had captured Duo's affections...

Tom: He'd be getting donuts right now instead of coffee?
Joel: The bastard.

>but he had been too late, and was now lovingly called "Wu-bear."

Mike: As in, "Grin and bear it, sucker?"
Tom: Better than Wu-Tang.

>He didn't know why Duo called him that, but if it got him closer to Duo,
>then he could handle the pet names. Not that he ever showed that to Duo
>or anyone else.

Joel: And that's why he snapped at Duo not three sentences ago?
Crow: The pet *beds*, on the other hand...
Mike <Wufei>: Aww man, sleeping out in that doghouse all night gives me
a spasm in my back!

>"Oi, earth to Wu-bear! I was asking why Heero's gone all fruity!!"
>shouted a muffled Duo from the floor.

Crow <Wufei>: Well, he had five cups of espresso mixed with Dr. Pepper
before you came... I can't imagine why he's like this.
Joel <Duo>: Ever since he hooked up with that Toucan Sam, he hasn't been
the same....
Mike: And when your Duo is making too much noise, take him to Midas.
We'll give him a muffler, a brake job, and every 10,000 miles we'll
rotate his tires!
Tom: Don't forget the ten thousand point inspection.
Mike: That's what Heero's doing right now.
Tom: Wow, what service!

>Heero was proceeding to pull off Duo's shirt right in the middle of the
>living room floor, and Wufei tried very hard to suppress a nosebleed.
>We all know how that's gonna end.

Joel: In a vicious cycle of pain and regret?
Mike: Wufei frantically scrouging for a kleenex before settling for his
hand?
Crow <Duo>: Oh crap.  Heero, get the pliers again, Wufei's gonna stick
ice cubes up his nose!

>Wufei quickly stuffed his nose full of tissue, and relied, "Heero
>wasn't feeling too well, so I gave him some Nyquil."

Joel: He's doomed.
Tom <Wufei, whiny>: Which means he got a good night's sleep and I
didn't! Whyyyyyyyy?!?
Mike: It's the nighttime sniffling sneezing coughing aching stuffy head
fever so you can advance your paper-thin plot medicine, I guess...

>Duo looked up from his tangled mass of clothes and stared at Wufei.
>"Wait a minute...Isn't Nyquil supposed to make him sleepy?"

Mike <Wufei>: But this is our homemade Nyquil, remember?
Joel <Duo>: Oh, yeah!
Crow: Moonshine Nyquil?  Bootleggers' Nyquil?

>Wufei just snorted and looked away as Heero pulled off Duo's pants.
>"Well, apparently it acts like some form of liquefied Viagra for him.

Crow <Wufei>: It must be some kind of ritual, for that matter.
Tom <Duo>: Huh?  How the hell does....?
Joel <Wufei>: Look, just smile and nod okay?  For once?

>He won't be able to keep his hands off you for another...*checks the
>bottle* 12 hours."

Tom: Okay, I so call foul.  There's no way Nyquil even lasts for twelve
hours, much less acts as Viagra for twelve hours!
Crow <Heero> Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag! Tag!

>Duo looked up in shock, his face turning pale, and his own nosebleed
>forming.

Joel <Duo>: Is it me or is the air in here way too dry?
Tom <Wufei>: Duo, you'd get less nosebleeds if you stopped putting your
fingers up there!

>"12...12 hours??? But, that'll KILL me!!" shouted Duo, thoughts rushing
>through his head of the next 12 hours. Heero grabbed Duo, and looked up
>at him through huge googly SD eyes.

Mike <Heero>: Hey, Vern.  I know you might think this is a bad gag, but
just smell my flower!  KnowhutImean?
Crow <Duo>: You really should get some Krazy Glue, those eyes just keep
poppin' out of there!
Tom <Heero>: Fuji?  Is that you, Fuji?
Crow <Duo>: ARE YOU CRAZY, SUPER DAVE?!?

>"Duo-chan, don't you wanna play with me?" said Heero in a tone so sweet
>and cute you'd get a mouthful of cavities on the first word.

Crow: Hey fic!  Call Isaac Yankem quick!
Tom [singing]: Numb me... drill me... floss me... biiillllll meeee....
Joel <Duo>: You wouldn't mind if I sprinkled you with a bit of fluoride
first, wouldja?
Mike <Duo> Fifteen years without candy and wussing out of barfights!!
For *this* to happen?!?

>Duo looked down at the cute almost-chibi Heero, and had to suppress a
>sigh. He was just too cute like that!

Crow, Tom <fangirls>: Oooh, oooh, what'd his hair look like?!
Joel <Duo>: Aw, come on Heero, smoke a cigarette, scratch your pit, break
wind, anything!  Just gross it down a shade, willya?!?

>"Uhhh, no offense Hee-chan, but you're not your usual self. You’re...
>well, you're acting like a pansy."

Crow: Hee-chan and the Pansies of the Universe!
Tom: And it's all thanks to the powerful drug NYQUIL!
Mike: NYQUIL!  Squeak for it by name!
Joel: So now it's the nighttime scuffling squeezing doffing panting so-
you-get-some-with-a-smile medicine?

>Duo braced himself for a pummeling, but surprisingly, none came.

Tom <Duo, pouting>: Awwwww....
Mike: He's downshifting to OOC and he's got four on the floor.
Crow: Gee, I only count one... Heero.

>Duo looked up to see Heero holding himself back, and trying his best not
>to glomp Duo. For us fans, we know how hard this is, and congratulate
>Heero for even getting that far from Duo!

Joel: Uhh... good job Heero, I guess.
Tom <Duo>: And we thank the narrator for his great instructions in this
fic!
Crow <Heero>: We couldn't have made it through without you, man!
Mike: Not since Tony resisted the urge to jump Angela's bones have we
witnessed such an act of herculean courage and restraint....

>"Duo...it's ok...it's just the Nyquil talking...that's all." struggled
>Heero. He was jerking about a little, and really looked like he was
>going into to spasms, but was keeping actually pretty good control.

Mike <Heero>: Bladder reaching critical mass... No, I can hold it!  I
can hold it... come on, just another few scenes to go....
Joel: Look out, Duo, it's a trap!  Heero's one of Dr. Evil's new
inventions... the REALLY fembot!
Crow <Wufei>: Shoot, I gotta send this Heero back to the shop.  I hope
they have a loaner Heero for us...
Mike: Feel up to getting out of here for a while, guys?
Joel: We might as well...

---Satellite of Love

  "Aww, man!  That short was..." Crow began.

  "Long, pointless, contrived, and plotless?" Tom finished.

  As both robots and both humans took their places behind the console, Crow
looked thoughtful.  "That about covers it, actually.  Why should a reader
even care to read it?  The plot was nonexistant..."

  "Why don't we help out the poor author?" Mike asked.  "I'm sure we can
come up with a few ideas for him..."

  "Yeah!" Joel exclaimed.  "Let's see where we can begin.  Do we have to
keep the whole 'Tenchi goes to Jusenkyo' bit in there?"

  "Might as well," Mike stated, "the author did go through a lot of
trouble to contrive it."

  "How about additional crossovers?"

  "Anything goes, Crow," Mike responded.

  "Okay, here we go then!  Ranma and Tenchi accidentally activate Ryo-Ohki
for space flight, slingshot an available black hole, and come back to
Earth... and become the 3WA's new trouble consultants!  And they'll be
called 'Two Pairs'!  The best espionage team the 3WA has to offer!"

  "Hey, that's not bad," Joel responded.  "Letsee, my vote on this
subject... After Tenchi returns to the temple, he starts acting strangely.
Washu looks into the matter, and finds out that Jurian blood makes
Jusenkyo curses very temperamental.  Mood changes, different bodies...
finally Tenchi's curse peters out, leaving him a broken and bitter woman.
The author can then examine Tenchi's newfound relationship with his, now
her peeping dad, inscrutable grandfather, and possibly more subdued
former girlfriends."

  "Deep and thought-provoking, Joel."  Mike took a breath, and organized
his thoughts.  "However, this could also be the first part of a serial...
based on the Jusenkyo guards."

  Tom executed a double-take to Mike.  "The guards?"

  "Oh, sure.  It's obvious that they've suffered extraordinarily over
the years taking care of those springs, look at how they act when they
find visitors!  They find springs that they drop easily-cowed people into
to create a mass of troops for their plans of world domination!  Then
Ranma and Tenchi have to mobilize the Nerima and Masaki Shrine groups
into action to deal with this new threat.  The stakes are raised even
higher when the guards accidentally drop a nuclear warhead in the springs
and unlock the secret to the most destructive human bombs in history."
Mike huffed and puffed a couple seconds to catch his breath, and then
continued.  "It's only a matter of time.  Ranma... Tenchi... Jusenkyo.
Will China, and the world ever be the same?"

  "Oh yeah?" Tom retorted.  "Well, my story involves..."

  Joel looked at the lights, and found the red one flashing.  "Just a
second, Tommy, the evil ones are calling yet again..."

---Deep Thirteen

  The viewscreen showed Dr. Clayton Forrester, in front of a desk.
Scattered all over this desk were various pieces of paper, a mini
printing press, and metal pieces with etchings on them.  Also adorning
the desk were countless paint splotches and little sets of watercolors
that elementary students use to paint with.

  "Hello, little proles.  While you offer enrichment to all of the
fanfic authors out there, I have a different kind of 'enrichment' to
give..." Dr. F sneered at the screen.  "Of course, I'm talking about...
the three quintillion yen bill!"  He took a piece of paper from the desk
in front of him, and held it to the camera.  On all four corners it was
marked "3,000,000,000,000,000,000" in small number, and it bore the
picture of Dr. Clayton Forrester himself.  On the side, in even smaller
letters, it said "Bank of Japan".

  "I must admit, putting myself on Japanese currency might seem a bit
pompous, but considering how my visage was used *before*..."  Dr. F
picked up another of those papers, and showed the camera.  It read "$16"
on four corners along with saying "Federal Reserve Note" on the side.
"My poor assistant was picked up trying to pass these at an airport bar.
And here I've always told him that if you're going to create bills,
you're supposed to do it with *gusto*!" Dr. Forrester complained.  "Uhh...
hello up there?"


  "As the story heats up, it would feature a great space battle: Ryo-
Ohki and Ryo-Ou flying as they pour white-hot laser onto the enemy as
Ranma, Tenchi, Akane, Ryouga, Ryoko, and Ayeka plan their assault into
the bowels of the enemy ship..." Tom continued, as the Satellite appeared
completely oblivious to Dr. F's speech.


  Dr. F put down the bill, calmly walked over to the keyboard, and
pressed a key.


  "And the stirring conclusion..." Tom began... and ended, as the lights
started flashing and the Satellite shook crazily.

  "The conclusion is that we have FIC SIGN!" Mike yelled.

 
Part TWO

 

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