Mystery Science Cinema 3001 show 105, reel 1:

  "Sailor Trigger"
  (A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger self-insertion crossover)

  MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

==
Mystery Science Theater 3000, characters and situations are property
of and (c) 2001 by Best Brains, Inc.  Sailor Moon is the property
of Naoko Takeuchi and all the distributors of her work.  Chrono
Trigger is the property of Square Co., and all the distributors of
their work.

"Sailor Trigger" is the property of Sailor Koban and used with his
permission.  This is intended as a parody, hopefully not to be taken
offensively.  Hopefully, enough C&C shall be gleaned from these riffs
to actually make this a worthwhile product.

All additional references/characters/lyrics copyright of their
respective owners and creators.
==

---Satellite of Love

  "But this is so unfair, Joel!  One bad hand and both Crow and I are
out!" Tom Servo protested.  The cards that he held in one of his
spring-arms were falling out all over the place, some even hitting the
desk.

  Joel snickered.  Instead of his usual jumpsuit, he was wearing a pair
of boxer shorts and a teeshirt.  "Don't blame me, I didn't make these
rules up.  It's just the way the game is played.  Besides, Crow usually
ends up hiding aces in his net anyway..."

  "Okay folks, ante up... oh, the robots seem to be unable to.  Anyway,
I'll bet... this ring!"  Mike Nelson still had his jumpsuit on, and on
his hands were four or five large rings, with a pile of ten rings next
to him.

  The red light started flashing... "Aww man, always when we're playing
strip poker!" Joel complained as he hit the light.

---Deep Thirteen

  "Hey guys, I'll take one card."  Frank was standing in Deep Thirteen,
holding four cards, and he had nothing but a towel on.  "C'mon, I need
a five!  Five, please!"

  "Frank, what are you doing?" Dr. Clayton Forrester interrupted.  He
was carrying an old Hellman's Mayonnaise jar that had two holes punched
in the top.  "How many times do I have to tell you, I don't *want* to
watch you playing strip poker?"

  "But Steve, look!  I beat Crow and Tom!  They're both naked!"

  Dr. Forrester shuddered.  "More of Crow than I ever wanted to see.
I'll give you a chance to get your clothes back on, Joel, because I
have the invention that will knock your socks off!"


  Joel hurriedly left offstage and came back a second later, wearing
his trademark red jumpsuit.

  "Whatcha got today, sirs?"


  "I'm sure you've heard about all the problems with oil lately.  OPEC
nations have been raising prices again, dopey presidents are willing to
carve up large proportions of woods and wetlands to find more... why
waste time with the middleman?  We have an invention today that will
help mainly ME on my morning commutes to Deep Thirteen.  I unveil...
the Detroit Oil-Worm."  Dr. F showed his jar to the screen, where a
little worm was resting around a puddle of vaguely orangish liquid.

  "This little guy can burrow as far as needed to ANY source of
gasoline!  Then it'll suck up the gas and return to the owner to fill
the owner's tank.  It's the latest thing in people too cheap to make it
to a gas station and too sick to siphon off more gasoline!  And not
only that... after a few days of use, the Oil-Worm burrows straight
down to Deep Thirteen with the latest amount of gas, so that I can
blackmail the world and sell my own 'Dr. Forrester' brand of gas!
Fifteen bucks a gallon, any takers?"


  "How does it get out of that little hole it burrows if it drinks
gas, Dr. F?" Mike asked.


  "How, you say?  It gets LONGER, not wider!  It'll stretch out to
the size of your average extended-cab F150 Ford truck!" Dr. F chuckled.


  Joel muttered, "But without the side-mounted gas tanks, I hope..."

  "What if someone catches the Oil-Worm, Dr. F?" Tom asked.


  "Well, to discourage pursuit by the generous donor, the Oil-Worm
will spray sugar in his gas tank, so that the owner can get away
scot-free!" Dr. F shook the mayonnaise jar.  "You're my little darling
money-maker, yes you are!" Turning his attention back to the satellite
he said, "Okay, Benatars... hit me with your best shot!"


  Mike and Joel shook their heads and Tom said, "Man... the lengths
some people will go to for trying to rule the planet... anyway sirs,
our invention is for all those subway-riders and elevator-rats who just
don't like to brush their teeth in the morning!"

  "Have you ever been next to someone who, when they laughed, made you
think you just ran over a skunk?  Yes, I have," Joel started.  "Many
times, whether it's the person next to you on the plane, or the
itinerant doorman who's more at home at the *back* door, you'd wish
these people would use mouth protection.  And brushing your teeth after
EVERY meal takes too much time.  So our invention for today... Crow,
will you do the honors?"

  Crow showed a can marked "Deodorant" to the camera.  "We've invented
roll-on mouth deodorant!  This stuff is long-lasting, leaves behind the
great smell of cinnamon or mint, and I guarantee people will be looking
and smelling at your mouth in a whole new way!"

  "And, for those who REALLY want long-lasting protection," Mike
started, "we've also created... roll-on mouth antiperspirant!  Also
good for bars where you want to appear smooth but leave a puddle of
drool with every woman you see."  Mike put another can on the desk in
front of Cambot.  "Howzabout them apples, sirs?"


  "Them apples?" Dr. Forrester spluttered.  "Well, boys, your fanfic
today won't be a piece of pie, no no no.  For you, I'll be sure to send
my rottenest!  FRANK!"

  "Yes, boss?  Oops, dropped my towel, just a second..."

  "Uuuhhhhh.... There were some things man was never meant to see," Dr.
F shuddered.  "Maybe if I grab a blindfold... Frank, when you get back,
give them 'Sailor Trigger'.   This one, lab rats, is a crossover
between an anime and a game series... and the author couldn't resist
inserting himself and a few close friends to boot.  They asked for
suffering, and we shall deliver!"
 

  "How about 'Fresh Mouth'?" Crow asked.

  "I still say 'Tongue Teasers'!" Tom replied.

  Then the lights started flashing and the satellite shook.  "Later
guys, we have FIC SIGN!" Mike yelled.


(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door.  You open the top and fall over the
  bottom)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: it's a garage door.  You have to open it manually)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe.  You open the door... but no Narnia)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
  inside)

(Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom.  Tom was placed in the fourth
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him.  After that was Joel, and
Crow sat in the far right seat.)

>koban.tnk@prostar.com (Sailor Koban TNK)

Tom: Coming soon to your lunch bowl... chicken and prostars!
Crow: Hey look, Sailor Koban is an arcade game!  He's produced by TNK!
Mike: No, you're thinking of SNK.
Crow: Oh... heh.

>Sailor Trigger

Joel: Y'know, the Senshi that was on the grassy knoll.
Crow: And here I thought it was the Senshi that Roy Rogers rode.

>Part 1-A wrong turn

Joel: This part sponsored by the United States Selective Service Board

>A Sailor Moon/Chrono Trigger crossover fanfic by Sailor Koban
>TNK(Koban.tnk@prostar.com)

Crow: As inferred by the email address above.
Tom: You can't be too careful who's sending Sailor Moon and Chrono
Trigger crossovers nowadays.
Joel: Prostar.com?  Didn't Wayne Gretsky endorse their cereal?

>With help from KnightShade(debracras@tislink.net) and Suky
>(odonnell@wvi.com).

Mike: If only a little nightshade could've helped.
Tom: Aye lad, 'tis a fine link yo've got thar...

>Legal notes:

Mike: ...are those that are over the age of sixteen and consent to be
sung.
Tom: Wouldn't want to be thrown in jail for staffatory rape, would'je?
Crow: But officer!  She was wearing a G-string!  And it looked so sharp
on her!

>Chrono Trigger, and all characters derived from it are the property of
>Square co., and are used without permission.

Joel: And then tossed aside like so much chattel.
Mike: Guess they were given the permission slip.
Crow: Derived?  When did this become a calculus textbook?

>Sailor moon, and all characters derived from it are the property of
>Naoko Takeuchi, and are also used without permission.

Mike: When was the last time a fanficcer actually received permission
for these works?
Joel: You mean you haven't seen those racks upon racks of Star Trek,
X-Men, Spiderman, and Fantastic Four books, ad nauseum, *and*
crossovers of the same back at home?  You know, the ones the fanboys
read to pretend they actually have literature in their hands?
Mike: The things I miss while I'm up here.

>Red Dragons, and all characters derived from it are the property of
>the author, and are used with permission.

Tom <Author>: "It was a long and drawn-out negotiation measure.  I
mean, I couldn't use my characters if I *DIDN'T* have permission from
myself, could I?
Crow <Author>: "And I wasn't going to give them up for any less than
50% of gross and a Sailor Venus plushie, but the author himself made a
personal plea.  I couldn't help but relent!"

>Story notes:

Crow <Author>: "A-sharp and F."
Joel: It's a little something we like to call funky fourths.
Mike: That wall of sound's really damaged you over the years, hasn't
it?

>This story takes place on the world described in Chrono Trigger.

Tom: If you're unfamiliar with this world, just think water and grass
and air, and you'll be okay.
Crow: Why, it's the perfect breeding ground for Bert I. Gordon and his
stable of free-range forced-perspective lizards!

>For those familiar with the game, the land is similar to that shown in
>1999 AD.

Joel: Another idea is to actually *start* the story, and describe
setting to us in rich and vivid detail...
Crow: Too tough.  The author wants to get directly to the plot!
Joel: That means that it won't have any holes in it, and reading the
setting like this will actually be worth it?
Mike: Uhh... sure.  Right.

>For the senshi, this story takes place sometime between "Treed"
>and "Serena times two" in the Sailor Moon R series.

Crow & Tom [dully]: Yay.  More Chibi-Usa.  Whoopie.

>If any characters seem to be out of character, it is entirely my fault
>for not knowing quite enough about them.

Joel: Like Makoto's measurements, Mamoru's turn-ons, and whether or not
Umino wears boxers or briefs?
Tom: I pray that only one of those ever comes up.
Crow: So if any characters are *in character*, it's merely a
coincidence?

>Lita's height is estimated. If you know her actual height, please
>EMail me with it.

Mike: We brought in an independent estimator for Lita's height!  Ladies
and gentlemen, all the way from Washington, DC... Alan Greenspan!
Tom <Greenspan>: "Raise rates by another quarter point."
Mike: Uhh... yay!  Let's give him a hand!
Crow: I'd try a calculator first.

>----

Joel: Schwinn Was Here.

>The year was 1999,

Crow [deeply]: The place... England.
Tom: The parties were plentiful.
Mike: The paranoia moreso.

>and preparations were already being made for the celebration that was
>to take place in a year:

Joel: The Columbus Day Sale at Menard's?

>the second Millennial Fair.

Joel: Ohhh.
Tom: But the next millennium doesn't begin until 2001!  They're
celebrating it too early!
Crow: Oh, you academic spoilsports always ruin our fun.
Tom: Fine.  If you want to stay stupid, be my guest!
Crow: I prefer "innocent".

>Not since the year 999 had the world seen such excitement.

Mike: Y'know, when the MacCauliny cow was calfing, and that new lord
down Wales way absolutely refused to beat his serfs on *every*
Tuesday.

>----

Tom: Sure, take your half out of the middle.
Joel: Eww, could someone zip up the fanfic's fly please?

>"Damned machine! Hurry up and load!"

Joel <character>: "You stupid AK-47!  You said that you were a semi-
automatic weapon!"
Crow: It's been FIVE minutes already!  Trading in my IBM for a Commodore
64... what was I thinking?!?

>In a large house in New Guardia, a strange man with a cat-like head,
>and covered with tabby fur was sitting in front of his computer
>terminal,

Mike: ...the first victim of too much cathode ray radiation.
Crow: So THAT'S what happened to Morris!
Tom: Now if that could only happen to Baxter.

>loading a document from the world wide web.

Tom <catman>: "Ooh, all Persian and all fluffy!  I can't remember
what life was like before jpegs!"
Crow <catman>: "That Cleo the Cat... mrowww!"
Joel: Gee, you'd think a catman would be more infatuated with
the mouse....

>His name was Koban Hiryu'son, and he was known the world over as
>Koban the Ninja Kat,

Tom: Koban the Ninja huh?  Well, I guess it beats Kwang.
Joel: ...a highly dangerous member of the underground "Kit Kats".
Crow: Or, as he was more commonly called, "Hey fuzzy!"

>one of the five members of the superhero team known as the Red
>Dragons.

Mike: I would've assumed that cats wouldn't be allowed into a
dragons' club...
Tom: The membership rules are much more lax nowadays.
Joel: Maybe it's sorta like the Banana Splits... blatant false
advertising.
<All nod in agreement.>

>They had a small team, but that was the way they preferred it.
>Like their leader, Billy Doyle, said, "You know your team is too
>big if you can't count all of its members on 1 hand."

Crow: And already they're showing cruelty to the catman.
Mike: For that matter... how was he able to type on a computer
with paws and claws?
Tom: Maybe his ninja training included a workshop on Macs?

>The team consisted of Billy, aka KnightShade;

Tom <Koban>: "Don't try to be a hero, man!"
Mike <Billy>: "Hey Koban, I want to be a evil paladin!"
Crow <Koban>: "You know that's impossible!"
Mike <Billy>: "Come ON, man.  I gave you those back-issues of X-Men,
work with me!"

>Akira Ishido, Billy's girlfriend and a very skilled Ninja with
>powerful telekinetic abilities;

Tom: Speaking of back-issues of X-Men...
Joel <Akira>: "Hey Billy!  I know what you're thinking, and stop it!"
Mike <Koban>: "I said 'telekinetic', not telepathic!"
Joel <Akira>: "Well, what you don't know... could fill entire
encyclopaedias!"
Crow: Zing!

>Koban; Sandra Anderson, aka SandStorm; and Erick Blackwell, or
>BlackJack, who hailed from the year 2057.

Mike: ...and travelled the world as a surgeon, helped by his little
assistant?
Crow: <Erick> $100 for fifty-eight years?!?  Damn cabbie ripped me off!
Tom: So doesn't poor Akira get a cool-sounding compound word code name?
Joel [dramatic voice]: And she was known only as... The Swallow.

>Koban was looking up a document from 1000 AD describing the events of
>the future.

Joel: The *easier* way would be to ask your man from 2057, Koban.
Tom: Only problem is that the document was authenticated by the Weekly
World News.
Crow: Wow, that Gutenberg project really went into overtime getting all
those old documents on the 'Net.
Mike <Koban>: "Hmmm... 'Nixon will return'... what could this mean?"

>What he found shocked him worse than anything he had ever experienced.

Mike <Koban>: "Dammit!  It gave me the 'I Love You' virus!"
Tom <Koban>: "GAHHHH!!!  Those damn !@@$!# kids and their joy buzzers!"

>He ran to the training room, where Billy and Akira were practicing
>combat moves on each other.

Crow: At least they were when Koban ran in.
Joel <Billy, dubbed voice>: "You DARE strike at my groin?!?  You insult
me greatly!  Now you must DIE!"
Tom: Hey kids!  Be like Billy!  Protect your crotch!

>"Hey, guys!" Koban yelled as he entered the room. "You have to see
>this!"  Five minutes later, everyone was looking at the computer
>screen as Koban pulled up the document.

Mike <Koban>: "See, Billy?  I *told* you that the 'give your cat a
colonic' email was just a hoax!  Not a recommendation!"

>"You see, in this document from 1000 AD, someone named Crono says that
>sometime this year, a being named Lavos is going to emerge from the
>earth and destroy everything.

Joel <Billy>: "Legos are the key to the Armageddon?  Darn those Danish
and their multi-colored bricks!!"
Tom <Koban>: "Not 'legos', stout William.  LAVOS."
Mike <Akira>: "Dolt."

>And another document written in 600 AD by a person named Glenn says so
>too. And in 12,000 BC, a man named Magus wrote the exact same thing,
>saying that he almost caused Lavos to reappear in 600 AD.

Mike <Billy>: "Koban, get with the program.  That old man two doors
down says the exact same thing day and night."
Crow: And the truth of who that kooky geriatric down the street is
realized.

>And in 12,000 BC, the mysterious Queen Zeal tried to reawaken Lavos.

Joel <Zeal>: "Lavos dear, it's time for school!  Wakey wakey!"
Tom <Koban, reading>: "It says here that she used everything from alarm
clocks to roosters and even Big Ben, but to no avail."
Crow: Maybe she should've flipped the lights on and off quickly.
Mike: Meanwhile, in 1999, the plot continues to be stuck in a holding
pattern....

>Now, all of these documents say that Lavos crashed into earth in 65
>Million BC,

Mike: Flown by Launchpad McQuack.
Tom: Funny, I would've guessed Don Carnage.
Crow: Sixty-five million and some change years later, stock footage of
the crash would be used in 'One Million B.C.' and numerous Roger
Corman films....

>but, since there are no written records from that period, that can't
>be substantiated.

Joel: That didn't dissuade our comprehension of the language of twelve-
thousand B.C., did it?
Tom <Koban>: "Luckily, I have enlisted the aid of a character witness."
Crow: Strom Thurmond?
Mike: Naah, Mel Brooks.

>However, pieces of rock from that era have depictions of a strange
>comet-creature crashing into the earth.

Mike: And The Little Prince was never seen or heard from again.

>They also have pictures that appear to be portraits of the people who
>wrote the other documents coming to try and stop it."

Joel [singing]: "Dum da dum dum..."
Mike <voiceover>: "Memorize THIS FACE.  This is a renegade from the
year sixty-five million BC.  He is wanted on three counts of avoiding
the inevitable."
Tom <voiceover>: "And memorize THIS FACE.  This is another renegade
from the same time period.  Both are thought to be armed and
dangerous... their rigor mortis and stench can be deadly."
Crow <Koban>: "And here is the age-enhanced pictures that they
included... oh, eww.  I didn't know worms could get in THERE!"
Tom: Take us home, Joe Friday.
Joel [singing]: "Dum da dum dum DUM!"

>----

Crow: Watch out!  This fic's wired!
Tom: Duck!  It's gonna blow!

>The Senshi felt separated from their bodies, as if their minds were
>being drawn to another place, another time.

Mike: Yep, Long Island Ice Tea will do that to ya....
Crow: Uh-oh, the Great Gazoo is playing with reality again...
Joel: Luckly, rumors of a half-off sale at the Osa-P snapped them back
to the present.

>It felt like their energy was being drained... and returned.

Mike: The Negaverse kept the receipt.
Tom <Rei>: "What, is our energy not GOOD enough for you?  Huh?"
Crow: They shoulda hadda V-8.

>One moment ago, they had been watching the Doom Tree flying away
>through space, carrying Ann and Alan to who knew where, and the next,
>they were lying on the ground in front of what appeared to be a large
>plastic dome.

Crow <voiceover>: "Sailor Moon, you just defeated the monsters and
saved the world again!  Where will YOU go?"
Mike <Usagi>: "Epcot Center?"
Joel: Snowglobe... OF THE GODS!!

>Lita stood up, and after looking around, said,

Joel <Lita>: "Ouch."

>"Where the hell are we?"

Mike: You're the hell here.
Tom: Never gets old, does it?

>Ami looked at a sign near the dome and said,

Crow <Ami>: "I didn't know pandas knew how to write."
Mike <Genma>: "Growf."
Tom <Ami>: "Twelve bucks for PARKING?!?  What a rip off!!"

>"I'm not sure, but I think this sign says 'New Guardia'"

Joel <Ami>: "Or heck, it could be saying 'Newport News'.  I'm just
making half-assed guesses."
Tom <Serena>: "Hey, that's my job!"

>"I think we should go in," said Rei, brushing the dirt out of her
>Kimono. Rei paused. "Wait a minute... what are we doing in our regular
>clothes?"

Crow <Mina>: "'Cause the nurse's outfits are for the next lemon?"
Tom <Lita>: "And we don't wear hardsuits?"
Mike: She's just been transported to another Realm, and she's talking
*fashion?*

>"What happened?" Serena asked as she stood up, spitting dirt and grass
>out of her mouth. She had landed face down.

Mike: It wouldn't be Sailor Moon if Serena wasn't face-first on the
ground.
Joel: You have a Rei up and a Serena down.  Would you like to hit or
stay?
Crow: I'll double down, if you please.

>"I think we took a wrong turn from where the Doom Tree was and landed
>here," said Mina,

Mike: Serena never does take that left turn at Albuquerque.
Tom: As opposed to "Usagi"?
Mike: Just goin' by the fic.

>who was rubbing the sore spot on her butt where she had landed.

Joel <Mina>: "I crushed all my cigarettes!  Now where'll I get my
Virginia Slims?"
Crow: Neosporin's got some pretty darned good exposure...
Tom: Not to mention Mina.

>"Why am I always the last one to catch on?" Serena started to whine.
>"Be quiet, Serena," said Rei. "Let's go in there and find out where we
>are."

Mike <Serena>: "What are we going to find out in a bush?"
Joel: Serena never carps and moans, or wails in a distressed manner,
but she always does whine.
Tom: She's a connoisseur.

>"Great, but how do we get in?" Said Lita, noticing that the plastic
>dome had no apparent breaks.

Tom: That really puts the brakes on their plan, doesn't it?
Crow: Well, dem's de breaks.
Tom: Maybe Lita should break off a bit of Supreme Thunder.
Joel: We could always break this whole line of thought.
Mike <Lita>: "Now what would Puma Man do?"

>Ami pulled out her pocket computer and tapped some of the keys, and a
>door opened in the dome.

Mike <Ami>: "Hey, what can I say?  It doubles as a garage door opener."
Tom <Ami>: "Thank god Penny lent me her computer, this book can do
EVERYTHING!"
Crow <Ami>: "Huh. All I did was open 'Minesweeper'..."

>Cautiously, the five Senshi entered the dome.

Joel: Then, out of the woodwork, a bunch of rabid ticket-takers
attacked!
Mike <ticket-taker>: "May I PUNCH that, please?  How about a stamp?!"

>They were surprised to see that, despite the apparently high level of
>technology, the people were wearing clothing that looked like it came
>from pre-renaissance Europe.

Crow <Serena>: "I wonder if Tuxy would look good in those ruffles and
hose too..."
Joel <Darien>: "Huzzah, fair wenches!  A boon for each of you!"
Tom <Rei>: "If this is supposed to be Crystal Tokyo, will someone
please kill me between now and the next millennium?"

>Some of the people were giving them strange looks.

Crow <Lita>: "The glances and stares I can deal with... but those
LOOKS!  AAAAHHH!!"
Joel: I wouldn't blame them.  Other than Rei, we haven't the slightest
what the rest of the senshi are wearing.
Mike: If only clown suits weren't declared "normal".

>It wasn't surprising, considering the way they were all dressed in
>their sailor fukus, except for Rei, who was wearing her temple kimono.

Joel <Serena>: "It's not as it seems, people... uhh... we're members of
a cult!  Yeah, that's it!"
Crow <Rei>: "Could anybody spare some kool-aid?  A free coupon from Dr.
Kevorkian perhaps?"
Tom <Ami>: "Yeah, we represent the frigging lollypop guild, OKAY!?"
Crow <Rei>: "Calm yourself, sacrifice!!"

>Thier haircuts were strange, also: Serena, with her long, blond
>meatball-styled pigtails;

Mike: For some reason, I'm hungry for a Manwich.

>Ami, with her short, light-blue hair; Lita, with her brown ponytail;
>Rei, with her waist-length, black-with-purple-highlights straight
>hair; and Mina, with her light blond hair, which was cut similar
>to Serena's, except it was worn down.

Crow: One-Adam-twelve, one-Adam-twelve, we have a fashion
disturbance... over.
Tom <stranger>: "Hey, I recognize you guys!  You're Jem and the
Holograms!  You've come back!!"
Crow <stranger>: "Oh wow!  Could you sing us a little 'She's Got the
Power', please?  Pretty please!"
Mike <Serena>: "But I'm not... oh, what the hell.  Showtime, Luna!"

>"I don't like the way they are looking at us," said Mina.

Joel: ...as we established a paragraph ago.
Tom <Mina>: "I mean, what kind of human has eye stalks?  Eww!
Crow <Rei>: "And what about those four eyelids?"

>"Hey, there's a tailor's shop right over there," said Lita. "Let's get
>something a little more like what everyone else is wearing."

Joel: Lita finds sometimes that she gets what she needs.
Tom: Wouldn't a shopping mall be faster?  Not to mention cheaper?
Mike <Lita>: "Granted, we haven't any of their money, and I'm really not
even sure that it IS a tailor shop, but damn it, IT'S A PLAN!!"

>The senshi walked into the tailor shop and started looking around,
>trying outfits on, and comparing different styles.

Crow: Let me guess, they're going to the Peach Pit to meet Brenda
and Dylan afterwards?

>The tailor looked at Mina and said,

Joel <tailor>: "Ooh, sailor... come to my port, and I'll shows you how
I weighs me anchor."
Crow <Mina>: "Aww man, not again.  Hey Lita!  Doesn't he look like your
old sempai?"
Mike <Lita>: "Now that you mention it, he does.  And my sempai's been
long overdue to get his ASS KICKED!!"
Tom: <imitates cracking knuckles>
Joel <tailor>: "Eep!"

>"Say, where are you young ladies from?"
>"Um," Mina said while deciding whether or not the truth would be taken
>well, "Tokyo."

Crow <tailor>: "Tokyo?  We were just through there on our world tour!"
Tom <Mina>: "Huh?"
Crow <tailor>: "I'm with Aerosmith!  Y'know, the lead singer?"
Mike: Nice try guys.  It's Steven *Tyler*, not Steven Tailor.
Crow: Oh.

>"Tokyo, eh? I'll bet that it's a beautiful place."

Mike <Ami>: "Well, it was until Suzaku and Seiryu tore into it... that
blockheaded Miaka!"
Tom: Good grief!

>Mina froze in here tracks. "How do you know?"

Tom <tailor>: "Because... *takes a deep breath*... I AM THE MASTER OF
ALL DIMENSIONS, THE ONE WHO BROUGHT YOU HERE, AND THE ONE YOU'LL SERVE
UNTIL THE END OF ALL YOUR DAYS!  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Joel <Mina>: "Victor?  But I thought you retired from 'Days of our
Lives'!"
Crow: Here, Tracks!  Here, Tracks!  Good puppy!

>"Well, if the people that live there are any indication..."

Mike <Mina>: "Should we show you Melvin then?"
Joel: This has been another episode of "Failed Pickup Lines", with
special guest star Steven Tyler!  Tune in next week, when our
host will be none other than John Katzenberger."

>The senshi had each picked out a few outfits and took them up to the
>Tailor.

Tom <Serena>: "Do you have this in a size seven?"
Crow <tailor>: "I hope you're aware that this is a Men's Wearhouse."
Tom <Serena>: "Are you sure?"
Crow <tailor>: "I guarantee it."

>"We'll take these," Said Lita, suprising the tailor with her imposing,
>5'8" prescence.

Mike: She scared the R right out of him!
Crow: Why, the top of her head isn't quite as low as all the other
girls! Amazing!
Joel: Sign that woman to the WNBA!

>"Let me take your measurements," Said the tailor.

Mike: ...chuckling the whole time.
Tom <Lita>: "Hey!?  HEY!!  Watch your hands, pal!"

>Instead of getting a tape measure, the tailor just pressed a button
>on his belt, and a laser beam moved across the room,

Tom <laser beam>: "One way, one way... excuse me, miss... step aside,
please..."
Joel <Lita>: "Do you expect us to TALK?!"
Crow <tailor>: "No, Miss Senshi, I expect you to DIE!"

>taking the senshi's measurements instantly and printing them out on a
>piece of paper on his sewing desk.

Tom: See, Mike, it IS Steven Tyler!
Mike: Huh?
Tom: Look there... that sewing machine on the desk.  It's a Singer!
Mike: Sheesh...

>"Okay, I'll have these outfits ready in half an hour.

Joel <tailor>: "It usually takes that long to fire up the replicator
and get anything else out than tea, Earl Grey, hot."
Mike <tailor>: "The starter's gettin' worn, the o'lpan needs replacin',
and sometimes I have to choke the crap outta it for that dadburned
repleecator to start!"

>This style of outfit is very popular. Now that the Millennium Fair is
>coming up, people are getting into styles like what they wore during
>the last Fair."

Crow <Joan Rivers>: "Ooh, that burlap makes such a statement!  It
screams, 'I'm a serf!  Whip me!'"
Tom <Melissa Rivers>: "And look, it comes with accessories!  Fleas,
scabies, flies, gnats, and ticks!  Perfect for those summer months!"

>"Okay. Do you know of any places we might enjoy going to?"

Joel: As opposed to places they might enjoy being at?
Tom <tailor>: "I could give you a tour of my back room, heh heh..."
Crow <tailor>: "Well, I host this great little comedy club on
weekends... if you visit us, I promise to keep you in stitches!  Heh
heh... ow!

>"Well, the Coronation ceremony for the new queen is going to be held
>in about an hour.

Mike: CrownCrafters!  Coronations... in about an hour!
Tom: New Queen... hmm.  You don't suppose that this guy is Roger
Taylor, do you?

>You know, now that I think about it, the new queen's name is nearly
>the same as the name of the queen from 1400 years ago.

Joel: Come to think of it, they're ALL called "Her Majesty".

>What was the old Queen's name... Oh, yes, Leene. The new Queen's name
>is Renee.

Tom: They said "Renee", right?  Rih-nay?
Joel: Yeah, why?
Tom: Just making sure they're not pronouncing it Ree-nee.
Crow: Gah!

>You know, 1000 AD was an interesting year for another reason,
>other than the Fair."

Tom <Rei>: "Umm, sure, when did the subject get to 1000 AD when
fourteen hundred years ago was six hundred AD?"
Mike: Wow, that was close.  It's a good thing we ran into the Backstory
Tailor, or else we wouldn't have a clue what's going on!

>"Oh? Why?"

Joel: Well, oy to you too!
Tom: Oy mates!  Let's 'ave anuvver one!
Crow: People were burying their livestock and building mud shelters in
preperation for the Y1K virus....

>"Because 3 of the greatest heroes the world has ever known came into
>the spotlight.

Crow <Lita>: "Oh wow... they had spotlights back then?"
Tom: I knew Larry, Curly, and Moe had a long career, but I didn't know
it spanned *centuries*!
Mike: Coitainly!

>Crono, Marle, and Lucca were their names. You can see a
>statue of them in the middle of town.

Mike <Serena>: And here I thought it was a pigeon-catcher!
Joel: Their city must've had more than two thousand residents.

>Who shall I say this order is for?"
>"Serena."

Crow <tailor>: "Now, will that be paper or plastic?"
Tom <Serena>: "Aww, but I wanted to wear satin!"
Crow <tailor>: "No, I meant will that be credit or cash!"
Tom <Serena>: "But green doesn't go well with my complexion!"

>"Okay. I'll send for you as soon as these outfits are done."

Crow <tailor>: "And if I don't get you in less than thirty minutes,
the pizza's free!"
Mike: For the sacred rite of every tailor... the first fitting!
Tom <tailor>: "Did I ever tell you girls I was trained at Frederick's
of Hollywood?  Heh heh..."

>----

Crow: Yeah, the fic's stopped up!  No, we DON'T have any Drano!  What,
you're going to send a plunger?
Mike: Kiki's logged a lot of miles on that scene change.
Tom <Ben>: "When I'm on the road... I'm indestructible... no one can
stop me....

>With a flash of light, the Epoch appeared from out of the stream of
>time and landed with a dull crunch on the ground.

Joel: Gotta watch out for deer in the time streams.  They just jump
out in front of everything!
Tom <Sailor Pluto>: "Be vewwy vewwy quiet, I'm hunting deew.  Ha-ha-
ha-ha!"
Crow <Epoch>: "AUUUGH!!!  MY ANKLE!!!  MEDIC!! MEDIC!!"

>Magus jumped out, expecting Lavos to be there.

Crow: Oh, so they hit a Magus.
Tom: I hear the meat's incredibly gamy.
Mike <Magus, singing>: "Jump out the line, rock your body in time..."

>The other 6 people in the Epoch also jumped out.

Tom: I heard that model Epoch had a recall... it seems that they
installed the wrong safety equipment.
Joel: Faulty air-bags?
Tom: Nope, ejection seats.

>"What the hell?" said Magus. "Did we get the year wrong?"
>"No," Said Lucca, checking the Time Gauge on the Epoch's control
>panel. It says right here "April 1, 1999."

Mike: Oh, the irony.
Tom <Magus>: "That damn flux capacitor!  It always flashes back to
the year 1885!"
Crow: Hey, don't blame your poor DeLorean, buddy...

>"*April* 1999?" Asked Marle. "I thought Lavos appeared in the middle
>of July."

Joel: First Marller, now Marle... I'm sensing a pattern here.
Tom: Gives you folks ample time to train and prepare, doesn't it?

>Lucca wiped the lenses of her glasses and checked again. "No, it's
>right. Hey Robo!" The golden Robot from the Year 2300 AD lumbered over
>to the Epoch.

Crow: HEY!  I do not LUMBER, I float gracefully on my beautifully
slender legs!
Mike: Wrong gold robot, Crow T. Persecution.
Tom: Yet another fic that just wants to give robots a bad name!

>"Check to see if the Epoch's time gauge is damaged."

Mike: Use a hammer, if possible.
Joel <Robo>: "It says that it was recently used by one Biff Tannen."

>Robo hooked up his arm to the Epoch's service panel. After a minutes
>of whirrs, clicks and beeps, Robo disconnected from the Epoch.

Tom <Robo>: "*Click* Thirteen point five-two-seven gallons of petrol...
total is $28.47, including tax.  *Beep*"
Crow <Marle>: "Aw crap, even in the future Shell's screwing us!" 

>"Time gauge fully functional. Heavy damage to other areas of system:
>Time control damaged beyond capabilities of auto-repair system.

Mike: Call out the nanites!
Crow <Robo>: "And the automatic cappuccino machine is completely shot!"
Tom <Lucca>: "Well, fix it yourself then, you lazy git!"

>Aerial travel still possible, but only for no more than ten minutes
>at a time."

Tom: Just enough time to get to cruising altitude and put on a
parachute.
Crow: Stupid cheap acid... I *knew* I should have saved up for the
premium stuff!

>"So we're stuck here," said Crono.

Joel: Guess so, Cap'n Joe.

>This surprised everyone, since Crono hardly ever talked. In fact,
>people often thought he was mute.

Tom: Well, that's just because he's shy.
Crow: The perils of losing the remote control finally realized.
Joel <Crono>: "Actually, I've just been snubbing people all my life.
After all, who's better than me?

>"Alya help." said Alya. "Crono friend." If anything, the Cro-Magnon
>woman was comforting during a crisis.

Mike: And the next candidate for a muting.
Tom: Not to nitpick, but isn't it Ayla?
Crow <Ayla>: "Now, all ya' betta' help out ou' poo' Crono heah!"

>"Methinks we should go to the nearest town and acquire some lodgings
>until the machine hath been fixed," Croaked Glenn, or Frog as he
>preferred to be known.

Joel: Probably because of his front-lilypad seats to every Shakespeare
in the Park for fifteen straight years.
Tom <Frog>: "I shall procure Boardwalk and Park Place, and build
upon them forthwith!  I'll be rich!"
Mike <Frog>: "And besides, it'll give me another chance to plug the new
WB!"

>His style of talking was quaint, even for a man from 600 AD.

Tom: And here I thought the only use for 'quaint' was in describing
bed-and-breakfasts.
Crow: As was his refusal to sing about anything other than the trials
and tribulations of being green.

>He cracked his green knuckles and prepared to get back
>into the Epoch when Marle said:

Crow <Marle>: "Dogpile on the green guy!"
Mike <Marle>: "Shouldn't you have a doctor look at that broken hand?"

>"Wait a second!" Everyone turned toward her. "Can't we use the Gate
>Key to try again?"

Joel <Frog>: "But it probably wouldn't fit in the ignition."
Mike: A Gate Key?  I bet H. R. Haldemann and the CREEP would've killed
for one of those.
Tom: <Frog> I have no gate key.
Crow: <Marle> Lucca, tear his arms off.
Tom: <Frog> Oh, you mean THIS gate key!

>Lucca took the gate key out of her pocket and frowned. "I think that
>it was damaged during the landing. It's broken in half."

Crow: Or was that your fossilized piece of pizza?

>"So, we really *are* stuck here."
>"That's how it looks."

Joel: But how does it feel?
Tom: You must learn to trust Cap'n Joe, learn to believe his words
and his wisdom...
Crow: Paid for by the Fugitive Alien Cast for Eternal Deification
Society.

>"Let's go to New Guardia, then."
>"Right," said Magus.
>The group got back into the Epoch and flew towards New Guardia.

Joel: They said it and gosh darn it, they're gonna do it!
Tom: Hope it doesn't take more than ten minutes...
Crow: It just says "towards".  Odds are they died a firey Hindenburg-
type death within sight range of the city limits.

>After landing and disembarking, Robo knelt down where the senshi
>landed and paused, apparently scanning the ground for something.

Mike <Rei>: "Look harder!  I dropped that five hundred yen piece ten
minutes ago!"
Tom <Serena>: "I think I found a hedgehog!"
Mike <Rei>: "Seren-A!  That's a Garden Weasel!"

>"What are you looking for, Robo?" said Marle, bending down to her
>robot friend's side.

Joel: Robo!  The 'bot that doubles as a metal detector!
Tom: He's looking for truffles.
Crow: Or searching for the plot.

>"Scanners have detected strange emanations originating from this
>space."

Mike: Random photons, various gamma rays... calibrate that 'bot higher!
Joel <Robo>: "And they're making me feel... kinda happy!"
Tom: And *please* turn off his Paris impression.

>"Do you know what it might be?"
>"Most likely source: NegaVerse energy."

Mike <Beryl>: "That energy's too small.  Throw it back!"
Tom <Nephrite>: "Yes, your majesty."

>"NegaVerse energy?"

Crow: Use it, where you work or bank!

>"Yes. During our time in the kingdom of Zeal, I studied much of the
>literature in the libraries.

Joel: Especially the Erma Bombeck books.
Crow: As a result, Robo can program virtually *any* model of VCR!
Tom: Must've used the team of Crono, Marle, and Lucca throughout those
stages...

>Some books, particularly "the book of Nu," mentioned a negative
>universe, or NegaVerse.

Joel: Now if THAT were true, bub, then all of the Negaverse generals
would have been nothing more than disco light shows.
Tom: Yar-har, we'll have the author walk de Planck, we will!
Mike: But then, it's always been suspected that the book of Nu was
written by a known pessimist.

>Apparently, it was a gateway between dimensions. Some of the residents
>of the NegaVerse, however, became evil and began draining life energy
>from the resident beings.

Crow: And worse of all, they disguised themselves as Jehovah's
Witnesses to do it.
Tom <Zoicite>: "Hey, it's an energy kegger!  Get the tap, we'll drain
it good!"

>One dimension in particular had a planet called Earth, which
>was the most common subject of the energy raids.

Mike: They decided that Earth was a much happier place than Gor.
Joel: Lara Croft IS "Energy Raider"!
Crow: And here I thought it was Al Davis.

>It would appear that humans from Earth were sent here through the
>NegaVerse for purposes unknown.

Joel: We can only hope it was to advance this plot.
Crow: Mass murders of Negaverse minions and generals... the thwarting
of Beryl's plans over and over... and the Negaverse finally processed
the Senshi on income tax evasion.  Oh, the irony.
Mike: Ah yes, the Al Capone syndrome.

>We might be able to meet with them and learn what they are
>doing here."

Tom: Hired for lawn maintenance?
Crow: Bothering random tailors?
Joel: Sightseeing in some random Super Nintendo game?

>After the senshi left the tailor shop, they decided to look at the
>statue of Crono, Lucca, and Marle.

Mike <Mina>: "Can you see it underneath all the feathers and white
glop?"
Tom <Rei>: "It's gotta be under here somewhere."
Joel: The stone Crono had a five-year-old jersey of the New Guardia
Sentinels from a failed playoff run.

>They were amazed by the time and effort put into the statue, and the
>portrayal of the heroes.

Joel <Serena>: "Hey, cool, they crossed the Delaware in the dead of
night to fight the Prussians!"
Tom: Pablo Picasso couldn't have done a more cubist approach.

>"Wow!" said Rei. "Crono looks awesome! He looks so cool!"
>"Yeah," said Lita. "He reminds me of my old boyfriend."

Mike <Ami>: "You dated stone statues, Lita?"
Joel: She must really like the strong and silent type.
Tom: And dense.  Very dense.

>"Excuse me," said a strange voice behind them, "But would you ladies
>like a free sample of Nu Juice?"

Joel: Fresh-squeezed, from the Church of Lunar Consciousness.
Crow: Imagine if they were offered a taste of old juice.

>The senshi turned around, and saw a strange, turquoise, spherical
>creature with tiny eyes and a flat, Pac-man-like mouth.

Joel: Yes, it was Cindy Lou Nu, who was no more than two...
Tom <Serena>: "Hey!  It's Karl Malden's nose!"
Mike <Makoto>: "Cupeli!  What are you doing here?  Should you be
with Fina?"

>The creature held up a tray filled with small paper cups filled
>with a blue juice-like liquid.

Tom: Blue creature, blue juice... Fic, are you intentionally trying
to make us sick?
Mike: Ugghh.
Crow <creature>: "Enjoy some complimentary blueberry juice with a
Nyquil chaser."

>"Oh, sure," said Serena, taking a cup of the odd-looking blue liquid.
>Cautiously, she took a sip, and asked the creature what was in the
>juice.

Tom: Nashohol?
Crow: Windex?
Tom: Fresh-squeezed Smurfs?
Joel: Aww, come on!  Do the math, Serena!  What do you think?!
Mike: Do you need Ami to draw you a picture?

>The Nu rattled off a list of fruits, most of which couldn't be
>recognized, but she did notice grapes, plums, and oranges.

Tom: Along with purple horseshoes, green clovers, and red balloons!
Crow <creature>: "Haven't you ever heard of Fifty-Five Alive?"

>The other senshi took a cup and noticed that it tasted like the fruit
>equivalent of a V-8.

Joel: Saltier 'n all heck and hard going down?
Crow: The other senshi ALSO noticed that yet again, Serena gets top billing.
Mike <Rei>: "Why don't YOU try being the other senshi, Serena?"

>"If you would like more," said the Nu, "You can buy 32-ounce bottles
>of Nu Juice for 1 GP at the Nu Star grocery store over to the left of
>the statue."

Tom: It provides all of the B complex vitamins, and refreshes even
BETTER than Powerade!
Crow: Heck, apple cider vinegar does a better job than Powerade.
Mike <Nu>: "Just look for the Star, and you know you're getting good
service!"

>"GP?" asked Ami.

Joel: Green Pliers.
Tom: Gross Pandas?
Crow: Going Places?
Mike: Grape Puma.

>"Gold Pieces."

Tom: Now, would that be pieces of eight or Spanish doubloons?  How
many troy ounces are they?  And how pure?

>Ami turned toward the other senshi and said, "I think we had better go
>to a bank and see if we can convert our Yen to Gold Pieces."

Mike: Seeing as how yen is an integral part of the economy of this...
video game.
Tom: You'd have better luck selling it as paperweights and notepads,
girls.

>The senshi walked to the nearest bank, and were given 2 GP to the Yen.

Joel: Then they took one more step, and found themselves wading in the
river.
Tom: HOT... FINANCIAL... ACTION...
Crow: Boo!  Hiss!  No way!  The only thing you might get two to the yen
for is rubles!
Mike: Now, is it 10 gil to the nearest GP? Or is that in Rupees?

>"Let's see... that gives us a grand total of 10,300 GP," said Lita.
>"And," said Rei, looking at Serena, "since we don't want to lose any
>of it, *I'd* better hold onto it."

Mike <Rei>: "There's this Ether that I've had my eye on for a while...
and some plate armor would be divine!"
Tom <Serena>: "No, no!  You have to stock up on healing potions!  Something
tells me we're gonna need em!"

>Everyone agreed. Serena seemed to be embarrassed by the accusation
>that she was irresponsible with money.

Tom <Serena>: "I know I'm no Gordon Gecko..."
Crow: Actually, it sounds a bit like Gordon Grover.
Joel <Rei>: "You can't HANDLE the money!  Show it to me NOW!"

>They were about to go into the Nu Star to get something to eat when a
>voice over a PA system said, "Serena, your clothing is ready."

Tom: Oh, that nutty Adam Sandler.  Is nothing sacred?

>The senshi walked into the tailor's shop and picked up the outfits,
>paying 75 GP.

Tom: Clothes for a mere thirty-seven yen?
Mike <Tailor>: "It'll cost another six thousand per outfit for you
girls to put them on though!"
Crow: Then they invested nine hundred GP into three tents, along
with another twenty-four hundred for a pair of cabins.

>Then, they went into a small Caf_ and ordered lunch.

Joel: I and C conspired to eliminate E once and for all.
Tom <Lunch>: "Lunch, do this.  Lunch, do that.  Man, I hate my life!"

>"That's really interesting," said Rei, "They have exactly the same
>food here as they do back home, right down to the Squid-on-a-Stick!"

Mike: That's strange, they call it "Mrs. Paul's" back in the States...
Joel: But Linda McCartney was a vegetarian.
Mike: You know what I mean.

>"Yeah," said Lita, "that is weird."
>Ami was looking at the receipt for the clothing and noticed
>something.

Crow <Ami>: "Seventy-five GP for clothes?  Wow... mental note, buy
the store dry of silk and satin."
Tom <Ami>: "...this garment will ride up with wear!?  What the?!?"
Mike: Shouldn't she be used to that by now though?

>"Hey, guys, look at the date on this receipt. It says the first of
>April, 1999!"

Tom, Joel <Jadeite, Zoicite> "APRIL FOOLS!"
Tom <Jadeite>: "You guys... heehee... actually thought we WANTED
to take over the world's energy?!  HAHAHA!!  Like we'd want Earth
energy!!"
Mike <Serena> "Oh, you kidders!"

>"That's strange," said Serena, "so we've jumped forward six years!"

Crow: Theorizing that one could time travel within her own lifetime,
Doctor Serena Beckett stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator, and
vanished...

>"Yeah," Lita whispered, "but this obviously isn't Earth, because the
>cities aren't as close together."

Tom: But they're much closer at Thanksgiving, when New Guardia carves
the turkey.
Crow: They usually meet each other using "Holiday Road".
Joel: Too bad Charles Dickens isn't writing this story.

>"Or rather, not unbroken," said Rei.
>"You gonna have some more Squid-on-a-Stick, Serena?"
>"Yeah. I'm really hungry..."

Mike <Ami>: "But Serena, that's armadillo on a stick."
Joel <Serena>: "I ain't picky... *chomp* Ouch!  *chomp* Ouch!
*chomp* Ouch!"
All <Senshi>: "Sheesh."

>----

Tom [singing]: Gimme a break, gimme a break... break me off a piece
of that long fan-fic!
Mike: Line 'em up, watch 'em fall...

>Everybody in New Guardia looked at the seven with a slightly
>cock-eyed glance,

Crow <Townsperson>: "Yul Brenner?  Steve McQueen?  Charles Bronson?
What brings you people here?"
Joel: Imagine what happens when Bronson brings his friends Telly
Savalas, George Kennedy, and Ernest Borgnine.
Tom: Dozens of evil toy monkeys?
Mike: Well...

>especially Crono, Marle, and Lucca. Some of the people ran over
>to Crono to get a closer look, then they looked at the statue,
>than back at Crono.

Tom <townsperson>: "Shouldn't you have more moss on you?"
Joel: ...then back at the statue then once again at Crono over
and over again until a series of loud cracks and pops announced
an outbreak of severe whiplash.
Crow: Next on Fox Non-Stop: When Goofy Triple Takes Go Too Far!

>"Great... Our cover's busted," said Marle.

Mike: Huggy Bear fingered her, and her life's never been the same.

>----

Mike <Jocko Conlan>: "If you cross this line, I'm throwing you out!"
Joel: That's just begging for a kick in the dirt.

>Serena paused with her squid-on-a-stick halfway to her mouth when
>she noticed the commotion outside.

Joel [chanting]: "VEGETARIANS FOREVER!  VEGETARIANS FOREVER!"
Tom [chanting]: "SAVE OUR SQUID!  SAVE OUR SQUID!"
Crow [chanting]: "ALL WE ARE SAYYYYYING... IS GIVE PISCES A
CHANNNNNCE...!"

>"What are all of those people doing over there?" She asked.
>"Like I know," Rei replied.

Mike <Serena>: "In that case, go find out!  I dub you... our
Sailor Scout!"
Tom: Aww, man... that's bad on so many levels.

>The senshi decided to check out what was going on.

Joel: It was Luna raising a ruckus so that the Senshi could use the
ol' "swallow, slurp, and skedaddle" move.
Crow <Lita>: "The total comes to twelve eight-seven, Going On... do
you have any coupons?"

>"Hey, it's that guy from the statue-- EEEEK! A FROG!!!" screamed
>Mina.

Mike: No, Eek's a cat.

>The townsfolk knew quite well who they were, because most of them
>had read of them.

All <Townspeople>: "SAILOR MOON!  WILL YOU SIGN OUR MANGAS?!"
Crow <Serena>: "Fifteen bucks a pop.  And don't even THINK of
bringing me adult doujinshis!

>The scouts, who obviously had not, ducked quickly behind a wall.
>"It... It's Alan! And he's got a cardian!" Shouted Serena.

Tom <Mina>: "Yes, it is a rather stylish sweater..."
Joel <Alan>: "FEAR.  MY.  WOOL."
Crow: And here I thought he'd be bringing another epilogue of
"Waters Under Earth".

>The senshi transformed, expecting that the "Cardian" would attack
>the people.
>Five transformations later...

Joel: Optimus Prime started kicking butt and taking names?
Mike: <Serena> Ooooh, I like this pink one.... nah, maybe this
purple one... hey guys, how do I look in Aqua Velva?
Tom: <Rei> For pete's sake, Serena, he's gonna get away!  Just lose
the disguise pen and PICK one already!

>"Hey! Green guy!" Sailor Moon shouted.
>"Doth thou mean me?" Frog croaked.

Mike <Moon>: "I certainly ain't talking to Jupiter, dolt!"
Tom <Moon>: "Have a Ricola!  They really clear up your throat!"
Crow: Determined to emerge from Kermit's shadow, Robin strived to
become a Shakespearian actor while taking bit parts in fanfiction
crossovers....

>"Do you see anything else with green skin?" Magus replied.

Crow: Serena after one too many cups of Nu juice?
Tom <Frog>: "How about that stalk of grass?"
Crow <Moon>: "Hardly!"
Joel <Frog>: "Those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
Mike <Magus>: "Wrong crossover, chief."

>"You have violated this peaceful city!" Sailor Moon yelled bravely.
>"How dare you!"

Tom: Well, it was more a violation in rules than in spirit...
Mike: Then she heroically thrust up her arm and with unrivaled
courage extended her middle finger.
Crow <Moon>: "President Scroob, salute!"

>"Huh?" Marle said.

Crow: We're all in agreement.

>"I am Sailor Moon, and I stand for love, and justice, and I will
>punish you!"
>"Yeah, right!" Magus shot back. "Dark Bomb!"

Mike: He's got a lot of clout to be able to order up airstrikes.
Tom <Magus>: "Sayonara, Saddam!"
Joel <Moon>: "Ooh.  Ow.  That really hurts.  Ooh.  It's all dark
and it hurts and stuff.  Ooh."
Crow <Magus>: "Please don't spoil this for me."

>The scouts were covered in a field similar to the one Malachite had
>put them in so long ago

Crow: Baseball?  Cricket?  Polo?
Joel: Sally?
Tom <Lita>: "AAAHH!  Get this Astroturf offa me!!"
Joel <Serena, whispering>: "If we build it, will they come?"

>"ARRGH!!" Shouted Lita. "Maybe... He's... A NegaVerse... General..."

Mike <Lita>: "Or... at... least... a colonel... maybe... a major..."
Tom: New, on CBS this fall!  "Negaverse Major Dad"!  Starring
Gerald McRainey and Nephrite!
Crow: Is that before or after "Everybody Hates Tuxy"?

>"NegaVerse?" asked Marle. "Did you come through the NegaVerse?"

Tom <Mercury>: "Well, the Jersey Turnpike was rather congested..."
Crow: Nah, a doorway actually.

>"Hey!" said a voice from behind them.

Mike <Moon>: "Fighting innocents is unforgivable!  Heck, so is
standing around and not doing anything!  Besides, I'm ready to
frag *SOMETHING* into moondust, and you're all targets!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Joel <Ami, under her breath>: "No more squids for her for a while."

>Everybody turned toward the alley.

Tom: To watch Dick Weber roll a strike.

>Out of the shadows appeared Koban, followed by the rest of the
>Red Dragons.

Crow <Koban>: "We controls the turf 'round here, folks.  Now, about
a little protection money?"
Joel <Moon>: "You're going to get really chafed thumbs snapping your
fingers like that."
Tom <Koban>: "WE ARE THE TERRORS THAT FLAP IN THE NIGHT... oh wait,
wrong intro.  Sorry!"

>"Oh, great..." said KnightShade. "A fight."
>"Please, kind people," Frog croaked, "This is but a misunderstanding!"

Mike: ... he said, summoning down a colossial froggy.
Tom <Frog>: "We had no idea our time machine was double-parked!"

>"What are you guys doing here?" asked Koban.

Mike <KnightShade>: "You wrote us here, you explain it!"
Tom <Magus>: "Yeah!"
Crow <Mars>: "Yeah!!"
Joel <townsperson>: "YEAH."
All: YEAH!!!

>"Hey... That's Magus! And Crono, and Glenn! And Marle... All of them!"
>KnightShade stared.

Crow <Billy>: "And Chief!  And McCloud!  And Hardcastle!  And even
McCormick!  Wow!"
Joel: Take a picture, it'll last longer Billy.
Tom <Akira>: "You want to sleep in the doghouse tonight, don'tcha
Billy?"
Crow <Billy>: "As long as Ayla comes with.  AWWOOOO!"
Mike: *thwack*!
Crow <Billy>: "Ouch!"

>"What I want to know is what these girls are doing here!"
>The Dark Bomb wore off and Sailor Jupiter attacked. "Jupiter...
>Thunder... Dragon!"

Mike: She hates his pick-up lines too.
Tom: Jupiter Thunder Dragon against the Red Dragons... how ironic.
Crow: Even more ironic they were all dubbed by Sean Connery.

>Lightning struck the sphere on Jupiter's tiara, and shot out,
>forming a dragon. The dragon roared and went straight for Magus.

Tom <Magus>: "Umm... heel?  Sit?  MOMMMMEEEEE!!"

>Koban clasped his hands like a man praying, and shouted "Sacred...
>Ninja... Power!"

Joel: Lee van Cleef taught him that one.
Tom: Better him than Tim Van Patten.
Mike: <Koban a la Stormshadow>: "I would kill you now... but that
would deprive me of the pleasure of humiliating you once again!"

>Magus bounded over the dragon and started going in for the kill with
>his scythe when...

Crow: ...suddenly, a mountain of Chris Farleys fell from the sky and
piled on top of him!
Mike <Koban>: "Crap, I didn't say 'Sacred Beverly Hills Ninja Power!'"

>A dark wave of energy trapped the senshi and the time travelers,
>paralyzing them.

Joel: Because, of course, sacred equals dark.
Tom [singing]: "It's about time, it's about place, it's about MSTers
who read about the strangest place!"

>"Good work, Koban!" Said KnightShade.
>Koban approached the frozen heroes and said, "okay, let's talk!"

All: Shut UP, Joan Rivers!!

>"What the hell is going on?" said KnightShade.
>Serena said, "We thought that that frog over there was a Cardian
>and..."

Tom <Koban>: "And so you just attacked 'em?"
Joel <Serena>: "We usually shoot first and let Serenity sort 'em out."

>"We hath come to slayeth Lavos," Croaked Frog.

All [singing]: "Be-cause be-cause be-CAUSE... of the wonderful
things he does!"

>"Uh oh..." said KnightShade.

Crow <Groucho Marx>: "You just said the secret woid..."

>Koban snapped his fingers, and all of the trapped people fell to the
>ground. "I think we should go home and have a friendly little chat."

Tom <Koban>: "First, let's set the mode to plus-I."
Crow: Not to trample on your plans, but of the twelve people from
rather disparate locations in front of you... WHOSE home?

>"Yeah... Or else."
>"I don't feel special anymore," said Serena.

Joel <Serena>: "The story is losing its focus on me!  No fair!"
Mike <Serena>: "I'm becoming an ordinary character!  Like Rei or
Lita!!"
Crow, Tom <Rei & Lita>: "Hey!"

>"I know when I'm beat," grumbled Lita.

Joel <Lita>: "I have the WORSE luck around talking cats..."

>"Too many people have super powers!" cried Serena. "WAAHH! I WANNA BE
>THE ONLY ONE WITH POWERS!"

Crow <Serena>: "Christopher Lambert even told me that there could
be only one."
Tom <Serena>: "I want to shine up everyone's candy ass real good and
hand it to them!  I want to layeth the smack down!"
Mike <Frog>: "Quit stealingeth my speecheth, ith'sh mine only
definingeth charactheristhic!"

>Rei slapped Serena, and Magus kicked her.

Mike: I don't know whether to cheer or feel sickened.
Tom <Serena>: "Hey!  I ain't Anthy!"

>"Enough with the violence," said Koban, "Just pick up your stuff and
>follow us.

Joel <Koban>: "Can't we all just... get along?"
Tom <Koban>: "And quit trying to carry Ayla, Billy."
Mike: Speaking of carrying... we gotta get out of here for a bit, guys.
Tom: Whatta pickup line!
Mike: Hey...


---Satellite of Love

  "What's it time for?!" Tom Servo bellowed.

  "FAILED... PICKUP... LINES!" everyone yelled.  Canned applause was
opened, and even Gypsy was celebrating.

  Tom hovered over to the center of the desk.  "I'm your host, Wink
Servo, and here are your contestants!  First, from Huntsville, Alabama,
say hello to Billy Joe Bob Hooter Gomer Smith!"

  Behind a gameshow-styled podium and in a pair of overalls, Mike
raised his arm and yelled, "SooooEEEEE!!"

  "Yes!  And, all the way from the swinger's capital of the world, Eau
Claire, Wisconsin, say hello to every woman's number one cheesehead,
Allan P. Project!"

  Crow stepped forward behind his own podium and said, "Hey gals.  My
turnons include cheese, Packers, more cheese, and cheeseheads.  And go
Packers!"

  "Sorry, Allan, but the game hasn't started yet.  And here is our
extra-special guest, from numerous Cheers airport lounges, say hello to
John Ratzenburger!"  Joel stepped forward, wearing blue pants and a
blue jacket with a hurriedly-drawn USPS logo on it.  "Now, let's
introduce your lady-love, who you will be putting the moves on today...
Gypsy Rose!"

  Gypsy reappeared to the bridge sporting a flower behind her eye.
"I'm here, boys, come and get me!"

  "You all know how this game works," Tom continued, "so let's play...
Failed Pickup Lines!  As always, our judge in the booth, Magic Voice...
are you ready?"

  "Of course, Tom!" Magic Voice replied.

  "Okay!  Let's start with a category... Eyes, for $200!  Compliment
Gypsy on her eyes, and use the word... 'deep'."

  *BZZ* "Ooh, hay Winky, dat's easy!  Yer eye is so deep, I could dive
right in, yes indeedy!" Mike answered.

  "Ooh, sorry Billy Joe Bob, but at least make them fail a bit more
sophisticatedly!  Anyone?"

  *BZZ* Crow hit his buzzer.  "Your eye is so beautiful, it's like
looking into a deep pool of Pabst Blue Ribbon," Crow responded.

  "Oh Crow!" Gypsy rapidly blinked her eye.

  "Magic Voice?  Does that one get credit?"

  "Yes, we'll give it to him," Magic Voice replied.

  "Okay then!  Allen's on the board with $200!  Next question..." Tom
said, as he read from a card pulled out by his mouth, "beauty, for
$300.  Compare her beauty using the word 'smooth'!"

  *BZZ*

  "John Ratzenburger?"

  "Yes... As you know, if a naugahyde couch is sat upon enough times,
it becomes smooth and shiny from use.  Your beauty is like a naugahyde
couch as long as you have been sat upon enough times," Joel stated.

  "You pig!" Gypsy yelled.

  Tom tried to calm Gypsy down.  "For her expression of disgust, John
Ratzenburger, you get double points for that one."  Just then, three
bells were heard.  "And that's it for the game, we're out of time...
John Ratzenburger is the champion, with $600!  We hope you'll join us
again for..."

  "FAILED... PICKUP... LINES!" everyone on the satellite shouted.

  "I'm Wink Servo, thank you for watching!"

  Again, the lights on the SOL started flashing like crazy and the
satellite shook.  "Here we go again!" Joel yelled while trying to take
the pants off.

==

  Stay tuned, there's two more parts to go.  Watch as all three groups
of superheroes bring down governments and cause anarchy... oh, well,
don't believe EVERYTHING that you see written... "Z"

PART TWO

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