(Part 3/3)

--Satellite of Love

  Wooden swords littered every available surface of
the bridge of the Satellite of Love.  They were piled
three and four deep on the floor, and also all over
the desk.  Suddenly, the lights went off on the
satellite, and Cambot started a soundtrack of wolves
howling, crickets chirping, and wind wailing.  A flash
of light came from above, accompanied by the sound of
thunder. 

  Suddenly, the spotlight fixed upon Crow T. Robot,
dressed in hakama pants and carrying one of the wooden
swords.  "Three days hence, mark my words... I shall
be the one to stand tall!" His voice played through
the satellite, yet his mouth didn't move once.

  Another beam of light went to the opposite side of
the bridge, where Tom Servo hovered menacingly, also
carrying a wooden sword in one of his spring hands.
"I know my opponent talks a good talk, but it remains
to be seen if he can walk a good walk!"

  The two lights extinguished... then, Mike's voice
echoed through the Satellite.  "On Sunday, these two
competitors will fight for the right to be... Asuka's
Retainer.  They will fight for the right to meet
Ayanami Rei in single combat, and they fight for the
right to bring order and peace to this fanfiction
story!"

  Crow's spotlight flared again to life.  "Why would
it matter if I walk anyway?  I know you can't...
unfeetered by legs!"

  Tom's spotlight followed suit.  "Oh, oh yeah?
Well, I've been told that you drink straight from the
oil can, and you don't EVER use a glass!"

  "Yeah?  Well, your underwear collection is OUT OF
ORDER!"

  "Of all the unmitigated... YOU SLEEP ON YOUR SIDE!"

  "AND YOU NEVER USE DEODORANT!"

  "I DON'T SWEAT!  AND IF YOU HAD A BETTER PROCESSOR
CHIP THAN A RUFFLES, THEN YOU'D KNOW THAT!"

  Both spotlights abruptly turned off, leaving
blackness again.  "See it all... Sunday.  RETAINER
WARS... ARS... ars... s..." Mike's voice again echoed
through the satellite, as red, yellow, and blue lights
flashed again through the satellite.

  "But first... FANFIC SIGN!" Mike called.  A crash
later, along with the sound of kicked wooden swords
and a barely muffled swear word accompanied Cambot as
he moved forward towards the doors...

[6]
[5]
[4]
[3]
[2]
[1]

>NERV's agents reported the mock sword fight to Gendon. "
>Must have been a bully, anyone hurt?"

Crow: And here we have a visit by the Amazing Gendon!

Mike: Gendon is mighty!  Gendon crush puny humans! All bow
down to Gendon!

Tom: <NERV agent> Not really, all the bully did was push
Asuka down and then say "Ha-ha!"

>" Just the bully."
>" He won't be back," thought Gendon. "Consider the
incident closed."

Crow: For I am the Omniscient Gendon!

Mike: Gendo must have backed out of this fic at the last
minute and they hired a scab to replace him.

Tom: <Gendon> Gendon master of telepathy. Gendon know what
you thinking you sicko.

Crow: <Gendon> Okay, back to figuring out a defense to
unlawful possession of deadly weapons. She's a clone, and not
really *alive*... so therefore, how can she be arrested?  No,
that's not it...

>Misato looked puzzled, "It appears that a matching umbrella
>to Rei's formal kimono was separated from the accessories in
>our original order.

Mike: And now we interrupt this fic for some exciting footage
from shipping and receiving!

Tom: <Misato> Oh no, we were shorted on the Yebisu this
week... how will we survive?!

Crow: <Misato> It says here that it was picked up by one
Oswald Cobblepot... and in an unrelated note, Pen-pen's been
gone for three weeks.  Wonder where he is?

Mike: <Rei> Oh great, a puzzle.  And I never finished Myst or
Riven!

>The clothing shop just called asking you to simply pick it
>up. No additional payment is required."
>Shinji shrugged. "I'll get it after school."

Tom: Insert your favorite Jerry Seinfeld joke here.

>Rei preceded him at close distance;

Crow: <Rei> Old and grey you say, Shinji?  How profound!

Tom: <Shinji> That time in the PLAA wasn't wasted!

>sometimes she followed, other times she walked beside him.

Mike: And then there were the times she paused by a fire
hydrant to answer nature's call.

Crow: And sometimes, she was riding shotgun in the getaway
Hoop-dee.

Tom: And sometimes when they touch, the honesty is too much
and....

>Rei had wanted to bring her sword to school on numerous
>occasions, but Shinji had strictly forbade it, pointing out
>the NERV security personnel that were frequently seen
>shadowing the EVA pilots could also be considered adequate
>protection.

Crow: The same security guards who were there to prevent
Asuka's humiliation, eh?

Mike: That must have been during their coffee break.

Tom: <Shinji> What the hell could have possibly made you this
paranoid, Rei?

Mike: <Rei> Starbucks.

Crow: Double Latte Cream strikes again, eh?

>And the risk of having the sword confiscated by the police
>or school personnel at grave risk to themselves as well as
>Rei, who he knew would not surrender the sword without a
>fight.

Tom: With all those words, not one valid clause existed with
which to start a predicate.

Mike: <Rei> Only those brave enough to defeat me in thumb to
thumb combat may have this sword!

Crow: <Rei> You're getting my sword just as soon as you pry
it from my cold dead fingers.

>He picked up the umbrella without incident and gave it to
>Rei. As it was durable as well as pretty, she began carrying
>it with her.

Mike: What is this?  Donkey Kong?  Is she going to find her
purse next?

Tom: <Rei> I just can't go anywhere without having at least 3
weapons of destruction on me....

Crow: <Rei> All right!  Now I can skip FIVE levels of Bubble
Bobble!

>Asuka had changed her behavior for the most part and
>frequently addressed Shinji as Sen-pai, Ikari-san, or
>Shinji-san.

Tom: On the other hand, she referred to her pillow as
"Winston Churchill", so you can see what an effect being in
this fic caused to her psyche.

Crow: <Pillow> You shall sleep on the beaches, but we will
never awaken!

>She still referred to Rei as Wonder Girl. The behavior
>could be considered formal, cold but not impolite.

Mike: Of course, Rei would much rather be known as Diana and
not let her secret idenity be publicized.

Crow: <Rei> No, really!  I have my own jet!  It's just
invisible!

Tom: And by this time, you could barely see the scars from
the lobotomy...

Crow: <Asuka> I like mittens!

>Her fights with Misato were frequent but short-lived. Chores
>were still divided, but Shinji rarely got to complete all of
>his chores, as Rei would always help him, much to Asuka's
>dismay.

Crow: <Asuka> I'm feelin' like a Monday but someday I'll be
Saturday night!

Mike: Yes... God help us if Shinji actually does some
housework!

Crow: Of course, it isn't hard to eat the last of the
chocolate cake or watch an extra half-hour of television.

Tom: Man, the author must really hate Shinji if he thinks
he's this useless.  I mean with no more angels attacking
there isn't anything for him to do but listen to his DAT and
masturba... I mean, getting used to being called master.

>Asuka began sharing the communal bath with Rei, Shinji and
>Misato on occasions.

Mike: YES!  FINALLY!! A glimmer of lemo... I mean, hope for
this fic!

Tom: To find out the feasibility of pouring some industrial
toxic waste in with those three, he says hopefully...

Crow: ... and what communal bath is this?  Did they all move
into Gendon's happening pad or something?

>Miyako brought a stern faced man with her, whom she
>introduced as Rakan.

Tom: <Miyako> He's here to condition you to physical abuse,
Asuka.

Mike: <Asuka> Sure, why not? I don't have a shred of dignity
left anyway...

Crow: <Miyako> This is Rakan.  As you can see from his face,
he needs more fiber in his diet. Let this be a lesson to you.

Mike: <Asuka> Pass the prunes.

>"You have received the second of the four gifts." He
>informed Shinji.
>"Where?

Tom: <Rakan> Happy Birthday...Mister Shinji!

Crow: <Rakan> I'm the life of the party.  Now, let's get
funky.

Mike: It's a dentist to help you with that troublesome
retainer!

>"The umbrella."
>The umbrella had been searched, X-rayed, sniffed,
>magnetically scanned and everything short of sawn in two. It
>had been shown at NERV HQ. It had been carried to school.

Tom: It had been honored in a parade in Springfield.

Crow: It was featured on the cover of Time!

Tom: It was found to have a pleasant beefy favor.

Crow: It could also add, subtract, and even multiply
fractions!

Mike: More amazing is the fact that NURV seems to be getting
dumber by the minute? I mean what are Ritsuko and Maya doing
right now?

Crow: <Ritsuko> Got any threes?

Mike: <Maya> Go fish! Hoo-ha, you have to take your shirt off
now!

Crow: <Ritsuko> Shazbut!

>"I have been informed that your short sword is still in
>your possession, that in spite of your temptation to carry
>it in the traditional manner and disobey your master, you
>have respected his wishes and also retained your sword."
>"Get your umbrella!"

Crow: Given two plot points, this fic is able to slalom all
around and through them without actually connecting them.

Mike: Man, Tom Green WISHES he had dialogue this bad in his
films....

Crow: <Shinji> And bring me some pie, woman!

Tom: Suddenly, I have an urge to watch Mulan.

>Rei brought out the accessory.

Tom: <Rei> Hah!  Now I'm completed protected from Poison
attacks!  Though it lowers my resistance to Frog spells....

Mike: <Rakan> Not your piece, your equipment!

Crow: <Rei> Oh, the Smith and Wesson?

>"I am pleased that I too have passed the test, for if the
>second gift had been discovered, it would have dishonored
>me."

Crow: This fic is on about honor more than a Ranma fanfic. 
Considering Neon Genesis Evangelion... WHY?!

>"Please present the sword to your retainer, Lord Ikari."
>  Shinji held the umbrella out with a single hand to a
>kneeling Rei who re-accepted it.

Mike: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE FRIGGING UMBRELLA?!?

Tom: It's made with space age water resistiant Micro fibre!

Crow: It can do a decent rendition of Rhapsody in Blue!

Tom: It can sing and dance, although it really wants to
direct.

Mike: <Rakan> it's the Umbrella of +10 undead Slaying!

Crow: <Rei> Groovy!

>"Now, for your protection, please leave us.  This is
>strictly a matter between servants."

Tom: And our umbrella.  Mustn't forget the almighty
umbrella.

Crow: Servants, now sanatized for your protection.

Mike: <Rakan> Now just remember, the umbrella likes to be on
top....

> Shinji and Miyako retired to the center room and played a
>string selection in the center room, surprisingly, Asuka
>applauded at the end.

Crow: <Asuka> Now play Classical Gas!

Tom: ...even though Asuka complimented him the first time he
ever played the cello in NGE.

>Rei and the man emerged several hours later.  "I am
>satisfied," he remarked to Miyako and Shinji, her devotion
>to her master is tempered with good judgement, as fine
>steel can both cut and flex. "

Mike: Judgment? JUDGMENT? Where in this fic was actual
"good" judgment USED?!

Crow: So yelling at people, being completely obsessed with
Shinji for no reason, and trying to kill everyone that looks
at him cross-eyed is sensible behavior?

Tom: Yeah, where's Brainitite when we need him?

Crow: Out pooped Sailor Miyako

Mike: Who immediately famoused on poor Asuka.

>Rei was beaming, but Shinji did not know the price of
>seeing the naked blade until after he went to bed.

Mike: For not even Shinji sees the Naked Blade and lives.

Crow: <Rei> Hey you!  Wake up!  You owe me $39.95! 

Tom: It put his own mighty toothpick to shame.

>He heard Asuka exclaim, "that's a nasty cut, Rei. "How did
>you ever cut your hand like that?"
>There was no answer.

All: <weak applause>

Tom: About time the fic got ONE portion of Rei's character
correct...

Mike: <Rei> It's okay.  I have a spare at the Clonus ranch.

Crow: ...as Rei had already fainted upon glancing at the
gaping wound.

>School had settled, down, Rei, Asuka and Shinji sat in
>class; Asuka and girls chatted about boys.

Crow: Asuka's a MAN?!?

Tom: The miracles of plastic surgery....

Crow: It was a sunny day in Nerima... oops, Tokyo-3...

>Talk about Rei and Shinji was pretty non-existent except for
>the occasional speculation of them already being married. A
>new young man approached the fiery redhead about going to
>the movies.

Crow: <Young man> Oh, Lina!  Lina Inverse!  Can I take you to
a movie?

Mike: <Young man> Asuka, I would date thee!

Tom: <Kuno> Oh, my pigtailed goddess, I would desire... oh,
forgive me, you are not my pigtailed goddess... but would
you LIKE to be?  Hmmm?!

>Touji and the others prompted him. They figured that the
>verbal lashing resulting from such an exchange would be
>great fun.

Crow: <Touji> Yes, watching someone's self esteem get
crushed is great family fun!

Tom: <Touji> This is better than juggling babies!

Mike: <Touji> After this, let us set a carriage on fire and
shove it down a hill while its hysterical mother runs after
it.  It'll be a BLAST!

>" Why how very nice of you to ask!" gushed Asuka.
>"That would be very nice," of course. It looks that someone
>has finally arrived who knows how to make a girl feel
>pretty!"

Tom: Well, at least Touji is in character.

Crow: <Asuka> Now all I need is someone to make me feel
witty and wise!

Mike: <Rei> I see the memory reprogramming is working well...

>The stupefied classmates stood around with slack jaws while
>Asuka smiled at them, flashed her fingers in a two fingered
>salute and looked positively CUTE.

Mike: <Asuka> Wait a minute, how is acting like Minako an
improvement for me? Someone throw me a bone here!

Crow: From kowaii to kawaii in five easy paragraphs.

Tom: Hey author, she was cute before.  Kensuke turned selling
pictures of her into a major industry.

>"What are the results from the last sync test, Doctor?"

Crow: V-V-V-VERY P-P-P-P-PROMSING S-S-S-SIR!

Tom: Shinji is a two hundred billion percent of course! 
With Rei slightly lower than that.  And Asuka is at the same
value, only with a very big negative sign in front.

>"Rei is up another 10 points. Shinji is up 5 points. But
>Asuka is up over 30 points!"

Crow: <Doctor> In that case, sell one thousand shares of Rei
and buy me some Shinji.

Tom: <Asuka> Yatta ne! I love playing as Lilith.

Crow: <Gendon> You mean 'percent' don't you?

Mike: <Ritusko> No, this fic uses the imperical system so
it's rods to the hogshead.

>"Very impressive, do you have anything to add, Major?"
>"Rei and Shinji are very close, but do not appear to be
>getting romantically involved.

Mike: <Ritsuko> So far, it's just sex and shopping.
Tom: <Misato> However, we'll put them on a strict diet of
oysters and chocolate, that should get things going.

>Asuka has actually become a pleasure to live with and is
>rapidly becoming the most desirable girl in school."

Crow: Soon, the entire student body, including the teachers,
principal and janitorial staff were salivating at the chance
to bed the beautiful Asuka....

Tom: Other than the fact that the series made it quite clear
she was _already_ the most desirable girl in school. Hello?
Remember the huge pile of love letters she got?

>"Only results interest me. Very well, your cultural funding
>will continue at its new rate."

Mike: <Gendon> Make sure to get her some Zulu outerwear and
a string of Arapahoe beads.

Tom: <Gendon> Say, does anyone hear some snickering?

Crow: <Ritsuko> Must be Lorenz and SEELE snickering at us
for discussing such lame topics!

>"Asuka, how are you doing?"
>"Oh Miyako, I got asked out on a date!" He was new and shy,
>but polite, so I accepted.

Mike: <Miyako> Very good.  Now remember, get the money up
front and no freebies!

Crow: <Asuka> I said yes!  Please, for gosh sakes, stop
having Rei use me for kendo practice!!!!

Tom: <Miyako> But don't worry, after a night with me, he'll
become the very definition of uncouth!

>I made him feel wanted and important." " Then
>I got asked out by almost every boy in the class!"

Crow: <Asuka> For only the 354th time!

Tom: <Asuka> It'll be tough dating them all in one night, but
I'll give it the old college try!

Mike: What happened to the massively exciting Rei/Shinji
sidestory where Shinji was setting up his own duchy, by the
way?

>"Why didn't Misato teach me these things?" They seem so
>easy!
>"Asuka, smiled Miyako. How old do you think I am?

Mike: <Asuka> 337, give or take a year?

Crow: Cologne?! What're YOU doing here?!

Tom: <Asuka> I don't know. Let me cut you in half and count
the rings!

>"Early thirty's, late twenties?"
>"I am sixty-three years young, Asuka. I have the wisdom of
>centuries in caring for men, both young and old.

Crow: She was taken on many magic carpet rides by Sailor
Pluto...

Mike: So, she's started the world's oldest profession?

Tom: Sixty-three and she has the wisdom of centuries?  Wow,
talk about compression...

>It doesn't matter if they come from humble or noble lines;
>they can all be frightened boys."

Tom: <Miyako, singing>  They were merely freshmen!

Crow: You just need a chainsaw and sharp features.

>"Asuka stared at the flawless skin and trim figure of the
>Geisha.
>"It is my wish that you continue to develop the inner beauty
>that has started to shine though to your outside.

Mike: Otherwise known as, "Get to work... you still haven't
waxed the floor yet."

Crow: She's either a clone or her plastic surgery bill
resembles NASA's budget.

Tom: <Miyako> So keep drinking more raw eggs!  It's the only
way to get the proper shine for your skin!

Crow: <Asuka> Woof!

>This is for you and your future husband, it is not for the
>selfish, the vain or the proud."

Mike: It's for the geeky.  So wear it with pride, solider! 
It's genuine imitation alligator!

>---

Tom: What?  No snowflakes?

Crow: Dashing all the way, in a one angel open sleigh...

Mike: Ah, this scene must be important, the fic's actually
warning us it's coming.

Crow: Most ominous.

>Rei stood outside Shinji's door silently holding her formal
>short sword, her hand on the hilt. Shinji was sobbing inside
>his room in shock and horror from what he had experienced
>only a few hours ago.

Tom: Someone forced him to read this fic. Poor guy.

Crow: Wow.  We had some action and this fic skips over it so
we can cut to Rei fondling her sword. PRIORTIES, PEOPLE!

Mike: That was when Shinji learned that unsheathed short
swords do not make good back scratchers

Crow: <Shinji, sobbing> W-why did Old Y-Yeller have to...
to... DIE! WAHHHHHH!!!

>A man had been killed. It was a robbery attempt outside a
>restaurant in Tokyo 3.

Mike: Rei stabbed the sheriff, but didn't stab the deputy.

Tom: <Teddy Long> Rei didn't do it!  Don't blame Rei!

Crow: Geez, that's so much more tramatic than being
swallowed by Unit-01 or torn apart by an Angel....

>Asuka's new boyfriend Eric was escorting her. All were
>dressed in simple kimonos except Eric who decided that he
>was not quite ready to wear a "bathrobe".

Crow: <Eric> I was born a nudist, raised a nudist and damn
it, I'll die a nudist!

Tom: Shinji, however, modeled off the cherry and plum blossom
design...

Mike: He decided that he'd rather wear nothing at all

Crow: Being a fruitbat, the kimono didn't fit Eric very well
anyway.

Tom: Thought he was a halibut.

Crow: <Eric> I can't wear a bathrobe!  I'm half a bee!

>Asuka's flowered yellow kimono and red hair were a stunning
>combination, Rei's navy blue kimono was striking and
>Shinji's looked quite handsome in his basic black.

Tom: Shinji was brought up to be a proper Japanese lady.

Mike: ...while Eric looked like he'd been hit in the face
one too many times

Crow: Miyako, however, looked quite bizarre wearing purple
and yellow with a green sash, pink flowers and half her head
shaved and painted orange.

>Misato's crimson kimono was as effective. Eric had on a nice
>blue suit and an orange and red tie that splashed color
>against his white shirt.

Tom: Eric had no fashion sense, as you can see, but everyone
else was polite enough to let it pass.

Crow: So many colors... I can taste the rainbow!

Mike: And here is Eric, dressed in clown casual.  Perfect for
bumming around after the circus or when your House of
Representatives is released for the weekend!

Crow: Eric was a staunch supporter of the Silly Party.

>No one remembers exactly what happened. A man ran up
>knocking Shinji down and grabbing Misato's purse.

Crow: Only to splatter all over the sidewalk in a billion
gooey pieces once Rei was finished with him.

Tom: They had suddenly teleported to New York... which was
especially surprising since it was underwater.

>As he began running, his head simply seemed to fall off his
>body. The fountain of blood that sprayed from his falling
>torso covered them, staining their faces with red streaks.

Mike: Damn that leprosy.

Crow: <Robber> 'Tis a flesh wound.

Tom: It's NGE directed by Sam Raimi!

Crow: Which goes to prove that no one tries to steal Misato's
drinking money and gets away with it.

>Misato had her pistol in her hand from her thigh holster,
>grabbed Shinji with her hand and threw him in the corner of
>the entrance.

Mike: <Shinji> OWWWW!  MY FINGER'S CAUGHT!  MY FINGER'S
CAUGHT!

Tom: Where the bouncer made short work of him, giving the
transvestite a dozen bruises and a broken wrist.

>Standing in front of him, she motioned for the other
>children to get behind her. Blood was everywhere. NERV
>agents were converging.

Tom: FOX was filming for another episode of World's Wildest
Police Videos.

Mike, Crow: <NERV agents> BLOOD! BLOOD! WAI BLOOD!

Crow: <Misato> Just call me Psycho Gunner.

Mike: Because, of course, the Tokyo police are NEVER
involved in situations like this.

Tom: Yeah, they're too busy being slaughtered by boomers.

>"GET BACK!" screamed Misato." I don't know you!

Mike: She's the Godmother of Soul!

Tom: [singing] Get back to where you once belonged...Get
Back Misato!

Crow: <Misato> Now get down!  Get up!  I'm a sex machine!

>One of the agents Misato knew. She motioned him to take up
>a defensive position next to her.

Crow: <Misato> Remember, we're on a turn based system here! 
I'll attack, you heal, I'll attack, and you cast a spell, got
it?

Mike: <Misato> I'm not worried about other criminals, I'm
worried about Rei!  Don't let her go for her sword!

Tom: <Misato> Okay, here's the play.  You block me while I
send Rei up to tear through the defense.  And godboy will
recieve.  Break!

>The local constables were clearing the streets.  A tape
>barrier denoting a crime scene was put up around the
>frightened and confused party.

Mike: <maitre d'> Shinji, frightened and confused party of
six!

Tom: Constables?  What timeline is this fic taking place
again?

Mike: Sadly they called in the Keystone department....

Crow: <constable> Blimey, what a mess!  Nearly puts me off me
fish and chips, it does.

>Everyone sat in silence in the infirmary, They were advised
>not to discuss the incident among themselves.

Mike: <Misato> Ain't you guys a little out of your
juristiction?

Crow: So they immediately blabbed to strangers.

Tom: They're being sequestered!

>Asuka held Eric's hand, who was still shaking.
>Shinji sat with his head in his hands crying.
>Rei sat staring straight ahead.

Mike: While Misato was getting it on with half the
stationhouse

Crow: <Rei> Ya know, I rather like the taste of blood...I
should do this head slicing thing more often!

Tom: There can be only one! Crow: Highlander, Rei-game...
Watch as Rei Ayanami fights all the other Rei clones in a
life and death struggle!

>NERV had exercised is authority over the civilian government
>and had its own investigation launched. The news accounts
>were quietly quelled.

Mike: While Genom took notes.

Crow: <Gendon> So you must find out if this resturant really
has a good Seafood platter

Mike: <Agent> Yes sir!

Tom: MAGI runs the civilian goverment, not that I expect the
author to know this.

>Each person was taken to a separate room and was debriefed
>with the interview recorded.

Mike: Hewwo!  Baba Wawa reporting, and I have exclusive
interviews with Childs One through Three!

Tom: <Shinji> But I don't wear briefs.  I'm a Joe Boxer type
of guy!

Crow: All this for an attempted purse snatching?  Is Gendon
head of the Nazi party?

Mike: No no no... they updated for the 90's.  They're now the
Economic Determinism party.

>Their clothes were taken from them and they were allowed to
>shower and wore paper garments home.

[All laugh]

Tom: <Asuka> I've got the Yomiuri Times... who has the Asahi
Shimbun?

Crow: <Asuka> But the sports section was so last year!

Mike: <Shinji> Turn around, Rei, I want to read the rest of
Ziggy!

Tom: The mighty Eric, reduced to wearing a PAPER kimono.  I
bet he never turns down a real one for the rest of his life.

>Misato's purse was examined and returned, along with Asuka's
>makeup case, Shinji's tape player, and Rei's umbrella.

Crow: Meanwhile, poor Eric had every last cavity searched
before being fed to the police dogs.

Joel: Yes, it's nice to knoiw that the Umbrella is safe and
came to no harm at all...

Tom: <Policeman> Hey, check it out... the tip's all bloody!

Crow: <Policeman> So?  It's not like a master craftsman built
a short sword into the handle or anything!

>A letter explaining the loss of the suit was given to the
>boy Eric with a cashier's check for 500,000 yen.

Tom: <Eric> Suckers!  They overpaid by at least 499,995 yen!

Crow: <Eric> Oh boy! Now I can get the glow-in-the-dark
business suit I always wanted!

Tom: <Eric> Forget a new suit, I'm gonna go buy myself some
smack!

Mike: <Eric> All right!  I'll invest in Nortel and... ah,
crap, it's gone.

>The Major and Asuka took him home to frightened and
>concerned parents.

Mike: <Eric's mother> How the HELL did you end up in Japan,
young man?!

Crow: Well, *parent*... Chef was there acting as his dad.

Tom: <Eric> Mom, make me some pie!

Crow: <Eric> Beefcake....BEEFCAKE!!!!!

>"But she IS a nice girl!" was heard coming from the house
>as they went home.

Mike: <Eric> Check out these hickeys!  Wasn't that nice of
her?

Tom: <Eric> Don't let her numerous tattoos fool you!

Crow: <mother> Then why is she wearing a paper bikini?

>The internal NERV memo from NERV security to the
>Commander:

Crow: <memo> Hey Gendon, can we get some of those snazzy
kimonos?

Tom: <Gendon> Seems they don't know what happened to the
Angels either.

>"The wound of the victim is consistent with that of a very
>sharp cutting instrument.  It contacted the victim's shirt
>after killing him, leaving a pattern of a string of
>circles.

Tom: I've heard of crop circles but that's taking a hoax
awful far....

Mike: <Gendon> Find out whoever sent this Memo and have them
take Remedial Geometry.

Tom: Not a good sign when the action in your fic is upstaged
by a memo.

Crow: Oh well, it's nice to know Quincy still has some work
after his TV series...

>Death was instantaneous. It is suspected that the killer
>who inflicted this wound knew exactly how to do it, the lack
>of witnesses even among our own operatives points to the
>killer as an extremely dangerous individual."

Crow: As opposed to a snuggly cute and loveable killer?

Tom: It was like... [singing] greazed lightnin'...

Mike: They needed a memo to tell people that?

Crow: Well it was Mime day at the NURV Geofront.

>There is no known match to the circular pattern. Nothing
>to indicate whom would possess such in instrument. The
>examination of the total wound revealed absolutely no
>metal particles.

Mike: A small lamprey eel was seen lurking in the area.

Crow: <memo> We believe that the culprit was Linna Yamazaki
using her monomolecular ribbons.

Tom: Hmm... call me crazy, but I can't help thinking the
umbrella had a part in all of this....

Crow: Nah, Umbrella Corp sticks mainly to making zombies
and annoying Redfields.

>Examination under an electron microscope of a section of
>neck bone from the wound indicates a slicing action occurred
>similar to a sword stroke,

Mike: <memo> But we agree with Misato.  Final diagnosis...
leprosy.

Crow: Seriously, when did this turn into an episode of
Quincy?

Tom: This autopsy is too silly even for Quincy....

Crow: I mean, hello..His head was sliced off...Of course it'd
look his head was cut off with a sword!

Mike: Quincy wouldn't put up with this kind of crap!

>however we cannot be sure. A vibrating blade similar to the
>progressive knife could have produced the wound and possibly
>the pattern.

Tom: Or a modified beard trimmer, I mean anything's possible.

Crow: <memo> We've ruled this a sudden case of rigor mortis.

Mike: This isn't an autopsy, it's mindless guessing!

Crow: This author paid more attention to CBS's Crime Scene
Investigators than NGE.

>We are uncertain if the cutting instrument was actually
>solid. The fact that the victim was armed and engaged in a
>criminal act is also puzzling.

Mike: Since criminals are much more successful when they're
unarmed.

Tom: Yeah, whatever happened to the day when a criminal could
simply rob someone by asking nicely?

Mike: <memo> We also find the fact that the victim was de-
headed very puzzling.

>This individual was not a small time purse-snatcher, but the
>member of an organization with known ties to SEELE.

Crow: What, the Irish Republican Army?  Michigan Militia? 
The Order of Stonemasons?  Amnesty International?  UNICEF?

Mike: As well as OTTER, WHALE and SEA CUCUMBER.

Tom: We knew that from the SEELE membership card in his
wallet, and the 'Property of SEELE' tattoo on his left
buttock.

>It is suspected that he snatched the purse as a means to
>distract the Major from the children. We are unsure as what
>was intended should this plan have succeeded.

Tom: <memo> Now, if the criminal knew the TRUE way to
distract Misato, namely take the beer from her hand, we
would've been in deep crap.

Mike: What, is SEELE being run by Boris and Natasha now?

Crow: <Boris> And we would haff gotten it away with it if it
wasn't for Moose and Sqvirrel!

>Resulting circumstances would indicate that the children
>have made powerful allies outside of NERV.

Mike: <memo> They have recruited Big Bird and Barney the
Purple Dinosaur.  Now, no one DARES cross them.

Crow: Don't forget Gamera!  Remember, he's the friend to all
children!

Tom: Of course, you know you're in trouble when your allies
are Czar Nicholas II and Kaiser Wilhelm II...

Crow: It's all part of SEELE's plan for world domination.
Once thay have all of Misato's beer money, they can rule!

>Footnote: Rakan, master swordsman to the Imperial Court and
>friend of Miyako

Tom: ... has a really stupid name so we can't take his
opinion seriously.  And of course to be a member of the
Imperial Court, he would have to be older the geisha hag so
we think he's just a loony.

>recently visited Major Katsuragi s apartment.  The cultural
>emphasis of the children's education would not make this
>unusual.

Crow: But the latex outfit with fuzzy crop whip did.

Mike: <memo> As a matter of fact, we don't know why we're
even mentioning this.  Of course, we're now getting rather
sleepy, and finding it hard to remember Rak... Ra... uhh,
that guy who's name starts with R.

Tom: Is it just me, or is this memo a thinly veiled attempt
at recapping the fic?

Crow: How can you recap when nothing actually happened?

>At the time of the incident he was teaching a young man a
>sword dance. Therefore questioning him would require
>permission from the Royal House and much more than mere
>suspicions.

Crow: Since the new characters are completely untouchable.

Tom: Sword-dance.... is that what they call it now?

Mike: Gendon's legendary sword dance was a cut above the
rest.

Crow: Since the Royal House no longer exists, its sort of
hard to ask permission.

Tom: They might as well just convert Balthasar into a lie
detector... seems like everyone in this fic is completely
guilty of SOMETHING.

>Questioning Miyako would be a public relations nightmare and
>it is unthinkable to ask her to break her code of silence
>where her clients are concerned."

Mike: <memo> Of course, since the Fifth Amendment doesn't
even exist here, we have no clue why we're not even bothering.

Crow: <memo> I mean we're only NERV, responsible for the
safety of the planet and all. It's not like we have any real
powers or anything...

Tom: Yes, destroying buildings and leaving Angel corpses
around no problem, but questioning a geisha...

Mike: Basically, this memo says absolutely nothing new at
all?

Crow: Well, it does incriminate poor Linna.

>" Rei." Asuka approached. "May I see Shinji-sama?"

Tom: <Asuka> I have to talk to him about the sudden scene
changes... and no I'm not concealing a baseball bat.

Crow: <Rei> He's picking out a dynamite obi to go with his
pastel pink kimono.

>Rei relaxed and softened slightly at the first use of the
>higher title.
>"He left no orders about being left alone."

Mike: <Rei> Well, except for that "LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!"
sign.  Wonder what that's all about?

Tom: <Rei> But I sure hope he leaves orders for me to use
the commode soon... I'm ready to explode here!

>Rei opened the door and Asuka approached him and gently
>took his hand. Rei looked quite stern but said nothing.

Crow: <Rei> Hey, wench! Hands off the merchandise!

Mike: <Rei> Ooh, what a look I'll give you!

Tom: <Asuka> Cool!  A severed hand!  Just what I needed for
my collection!

Crow: <Asuka> Hey, it's a monkey's paw! For my first wish, I
want my characterization back!

>"If you wish me to stop, simply say so."

Crow: <Rei> So.

Tom: [singing] A needle pulling thread..

Mike: <Shinji> Stop! In the name of love, before you break
my heart. 

Crow: <Asuka> Did I come at a bad time?

>The boy sobbed, "Why does there have to be killing?"
>Asuka caressed his face and touched the tears streaming
>down his face.

Tom: And with his head in her hands, she lovingly slammed
him into a wall.

Mike: <Shinji> W-Why can't we all just get along?

>Asuka held the crying boy for about an hour and stroked his
>face and sang to him.

Crow: <Asuka, singing> I gave my love a chicken... its name
was Shinji.

Tom: <Asuka, singing> I can't get no... satisfaction!

Mike: <Asuka, singing> It's christmas at ground zero, the
button has been pressed....

Crow: <Asuka, singing> This whipping boy done wrong... deprived
of all his thoughts, this young boy struggles on, and on...

Mike: I ain't forgiving you for that ref.

Crow: Heh...

Tom: Thank you, we conclude Mystery Music Theater 3000.  We
now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

>Suddenly he was asleep.

Crow: <Asuka> Good, the Nyquil mickey worked like a charm!
Mike: Provoking an infuriated Asuka to draw things all over
his face.

Tom: <Asuka> Jiggly-puff...JIGGGLY-PUFF....JIGGLY-LY_LY
PUFFF!

Mike: <Rei> Doodly-doo, dooodly doo!

>"Domo Langley-san, "said Rei.
>"You have healed his pain and I am indebted to you."

Crow: <Rei> Need a ritual killing?  Anyone you want.

Tom: <Asuka> How about a second extra large pizza for a
Toonie?

Mike: <Rei> Yeah, I wanna CRACK THE CARDBOARD!!!

>" It is you who apologized for the pain I caused him at
>school, " Asuka responded bowing.  She added, "my debt to
>you is far greater."

Mike: <Rei> My debt is greater!

Tom: <Asuka> MY DEBT IS GREATER!

Mike: <Rei> SLUT!

Tom: <Asuka> HO!

Mike: <Rei> Don't make me get my umbrella!

>Rei smiled that half-sad little smile that was so rare.
>"Are you my friend, then?"

Tom: <Asuka> No, you're pretty much friendless.

Crow: <Rei> Then, can you be my special friend?

Mike: Lately, her feral blood-thristy smile was more the
norm.

>"Yes, Rei,"

Mike: <Asuka> There is a Santa Claus.

>---

Crow: Ok, which wiseguy sawed the point off my arrow?

Mike: The shortest distance between two plot points is a
straight line.  Now, to find the plot points...

>About a week later Shinji was at NERV for an activation
>test with Misato.

Crow: <Misato> Turn your head and cough.

Tom: Wow, actually doing NGE-related stuff for once?  I'm
astonished... and still bored.

Mike: <Shinji> Umm, what's this orange stuff?

Crow: <Misato> It's LCL, of course!

Mike: <Shinji> Oh.  Never saw it before in my life.

>Rei asked Asuka, "Will you be my master's woman?"
>Asuka's mind whirled, "Oh no, now what do I say to her first
>request now that we're friends?"

Mike: How about no way, and stuff it?

Crow: I'd go with a definite maybe?

>Asuka replied carefully, "Shinji-sama is a most worthy
>master, if he receives permission from his father, from my
>father and has the marriage ceremony appropriate for his
>station, I will consent."

Crow: <Rei> Ah, nuts to that.  Let's have a shotgun wedding
in Vegas!

Tom: <Asuka> OK, but I get to be Elvis!

Mike: And this fic will bring each and every one of those
experiences to you in vivid detail!

>"But I will not surrender my virginity to any man whom I
>cannot call Husband!"

Crow: Silly petname for Kaji.

Mike: <Rei> How dare you call him husband! He is known as
"Master"!

>Asuka's eyes flashed at the end of her statement. The old
>Asuka Langley momentarily appeared hands on her hips, and
>very sure of herself!

Crow: <Gendon> Excellent.. I can start my line of German
traffic signals as well.

Tom: I got it now... this is the Matrix!

Mike: <Author> Oh no!  No!  I'm losing her!  S-stop
regressing!  I, your author, command you!

>"I have already asked Commander Ikari," stated Rei flatly.
>"What did he say?" Asuka looked serious.

Tom: <Rei> His response, and I quote, was "HAHAHAHAHA!!"

Mike: <Rei> Something about, "I am Gendon!  I am mighty!" 
but that's what he always says.

Crow: <Rei> Yes, but only if he can join in.

>"He didn't say anything."

Mike: <Asuka> Silence means consent!

>"I have also asked Miyako for her services for the master."

Crow: And if you thought he cried long and loud following
the beheading of common street scum, that won't be nuttin'
compared to this!

Mike: Ewww... that's wrong on so many levels.

Tom: Argh!  I can't hold back anymore! [singing] Master of
the house!  Keeper with a clue! 

>"And?" Asuka smiled.
>"She said that Misato is the client " answered Rei, "But
>will bed Shinji if asked to by Misato."

Tom: By the time this deal goes down, Shinji will already be
fast asleep with a contented smile on his face.

>"What did Misato say?" giggled Asuka.
>"She didn't answer, either." Rei looked puzzled. "Pillowing
>is one of Miyako's talents isn't it?"

Mike: <Asuka> Why don't you ask her fifty-eight children?

Crow: Miyako, master of the anicent art of pillow fighting!

Tom: Why Shinji could bed and pillow them all in under 5
minutes, or your money back!

>"I'll ask Misato if she wants to! No, that would be
>fraternization with a lower rank." Rei pondered the
>dilemma.

Crow: It's a little to late to be worried about logic now,
Rei.

Mike: <Rei> Misato, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Tom: <Misato> I think so, Rei, but where will we find
asparagus and ping-pong balls this time of night?

>Asuka ran from the room unable to contain her laughter.
>Closing her door she headed for the bed and buried her
>head in the pillow and roared with laughter.

Crow: Poor Asuka is finally as crazy as we are.

Tom: <Asuka, giggling> O-oh my god... t-this fic is s-so
bad.... ahahahahahaha!!!

Mike: This fic can't even take itself seriously

>She laughed so hard he began losing her breath.  The images
>in her mind of the flushing Misato, the embarrassed
>Commander, and the confused Rei only made it worse.

Tom: Death by laughter. How poignent.

Mike: <Joker> If you're gonna go... go with a smile!

Crow: Guest appearance by Harley Quinn

Mike: And don't get her started on horny Kaworu, drooling
Gendo, or preacher-man Kaji either!

Tom: <Kaji> I kick ass for the Angels!

>She rolled onto the floor and gasped for air and then
>started all over again.  About a half-hour later she had
>composed herself.

Crow: Into four sections... an allegro con vivo, an andante,
a vivace, and then a rollicking largo...

Mike: <ominously> And thus she began her swift decent into
madness....

>"Hi, it's me!" announced Misato.  Shinji headed for the
>kitchen.

Tom: <Shinji> Shinji sees you.  Shinji doesn't care.

Crow: <Shinji> Gotta check on the hooch still.

Mike: Sadly Shinji tripped over the ottoman, which he did on
a regular basis these days

>It was his turn to cook. He had started cooking again. He
>had missed it.

Tom: <Shinji> If you SMELLL... what Shinji's cookin'.

Mike: Shinji sliced another chunk of penguin and placed it
upon the pan, all the time wondering why Misato was always
mad at him...

Crow: Having abruptly gone blind, Shinji placed the eggs in
the sink while preheating the dishwasher.

>"Hi Asuka!" bubbled Misato. Asuka started laughing again.
>"What's so funny?"

Mike: <Asuka> Because there's no such thing as
Scotchtoberfest!  Heehee!

Tom: <Misato> Argh...Ya used me Shinji! YA USED ME!

Crow: Smile-X strikes again.

Tom: Someday, Shinji will learn that cooking with steam heat
does not include nitrous oxide.

Mike: <Misato> Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop
sniffing glue.

>Asuka laughed harder with tears running down her face.
>"What's gotten into her?" asked Shinji.

Mike: I'm guessing a sense of perspective.

Crow: <Asuka> That "HeeeeeEEEEEYYYYYY KIDS!" routine gets me
every time!  Hahahahahaha!!

Mike: <Garfield> I wish it'd get Binky.

>"Not you!" Asuka answered the unintended pun. The intensity
>of her laughter increased.

Tom: <Rei> We've got to depress her!  Anybody got a copy of
Schindler's List?!?

Crow: <Misato> Th-the decibels!  They're off the scale! 
She's gonna start an earthquake!!

>"Is something wrong?" Misato asked Rei, who looked very
>confused.

Crow: <Rei> You know, if she's laughing at Shinji in any way,
we'll have to go through three more chapters of humiliation
and complex yet non-intuitive plot points about apologies.

Mike: <Misato> In that case, she's guffawing at the antics of
that crazy John Ritter.

Crow: <Rei> You expect me to buy that?

Mike: <Misato> Would you believe Tom Arnold?

>"I told her about your reaction to my request for Miyako's
>additional services for Shinji."

Tom: <Rei> And then she asked me if Miyako was available for
weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Crow: <Asuka> So many preprositional phrases!  From a character
who is supposed to hardly speak at all!  BWAHAHAHA!!

Mike: Just another ordinary day... at the Copacabana!  North
of Havana!  And you thought we were going to say "The
GeoFront", didn't you?  Yeah, right!

>"Oh, no!" said Misato violently blushing.
>Asuka was laughing so hard she was clutching her abdomen in
>pain and gasping for air.

Mike: Here we go again!

Tom: Or is this a reaction to Shinji's cooking?  You be the
judge!

Crow: And now back to the... er... actually, let's judge a
little more!

>"Services? What services do you mean?" said Shinji.

Mike: <Asuka> A tire rotation and a lube job.  What do you
think we mean, idiot?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Crow: <Shinji> But we already had Raiu come in to tweak the
EVAs, why do we need anyone else?

Tom: <Rei> Man, you might be my master, but you can sure be
dense sometimes....

>"Go to your room Young Ikari! That's an order! Rei, sit on
>him if you have to.  Just keep him out of here. Asuka may be
>in real trouble."

Tom: <Rei> Okay, let me grab some popcorn and my cushions,
Shinji-sama and I can make a night of it...

Crow: <Miyako> She's resisting her new personality.  We've
got to reprogram her again!

Tom: <Misato> If we don't release all of her latent
aggression, she's liable to become the Third Impact all by
herself!

Mike: <Asuka> Hahahahahahahaha... I'll get you, Gadget! Next
time!

>Misato picked up the gasping girl and laid her on the couch.
>She dialed NERV medical services.

Crow: <Misato> We need a plot and 50 ccs of IC, stat!

Tom: <Misato> And also, we need an emergency funnybonectomy!

Mike: <Misato> Don't forget the machine that goes PING!

Crow: <operator> Hello!  Welcome to the wondeful world of
NERV!  If you are currently being crushed in the steely grip
of an Angel, please push 1...

>"Set scramble to 5 Baker Zulu." She keyed a code into her
>cell phone.  "Roger, I copy.

Tom: Good thing she didn't set scramble to 221 Bravo Baker,
or she would've gotten Sherlock instead of Roger.

Mike: All of a sudden, Misato's dragging fifty heavy and
getting position checks... it's become Smokey and the
Bandit 3!

Crow: I'd think it's more Cannonball Run with all the Evas...

Mike: WHAT Eva's?  Have we seen one yet?  What are the Evas
doing?

Tom: <Eva 00> Got any threes, Yui?

Crow: <Eva 01> Go fish.

>The Second Child is laughing so hard she may be going into
>shock," Misato reported. "No this is not a joke!" I will
>personally blow your anus out of your eardrums with my
>pistol if you are not here in 3 minutes!"

Crow: And how his anus got INTO his eardrums, we'll never
know.

Mike: <NERV medical response> Of course, Misato.  She has
insurance, of course?

Tom: <Misato> Ummmm....

Crow: *click*

>"Then I will turn you over to the Commander!"
>"Yes, I am with the Second Child,"

Crow: The medicos fumbled the Misato with only a minute
left...

Mike: And while Misato and Gendon play phone tag, Asuka
slowly laughs herself to death...

Tom: <medicos> Okay, here's our diagnosis... insanity.  Just
get her a roach clip on a rope, or a tiedstick, and she'll
be just fine.

>"Do what?"
>"Repeat the procedure. Roger, I copy."

Crow: <Asuka> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Mike: My reaction exactly.
Tom: <Medico> You know, Misato, anything I give Asuka would
only be a placebo...

>Misato dropped the phone and slapped Asuka hard. The pain
>and stinging sensations brought the laughter to an end.

Crow: <Asuka> Mmm... more please?

Mike: ...because we haven't had any Asuka abuse for a whole
five minutes.

Tom: Finally!  Someone demonstrates some basic competence!

Crow: Too bad it only took them 20 minutes and 3 phone calls
to reach this point....

>The Medical services rushed in with a litter, started an IV
>of D5W and had her vital signs in seconds. "Damn! This isn't
>looking good!"

Crow: Sooo, what did they need the kittens for again?

Tom: A sacrfice to the great Gendon?

Mike: <Medicos> How could you, Misato? You're not a
professional, why did you dispense such a strong
prescription?

Crow: Meanwhile, Rei's using Shinji as a trampoline, Kaji
broke into the booze, Gendon's making time with Ibuki...

Tom: It's the Nuthouse of Ikari!

>Asuka was now crying in pain doubled over. Asuka was being
>strapped in a pressure suit.

Mike: I beg to differ.  That is CLEARLY a poopie suit!

Tom: PRESSURE SUIT!

Crow: She's... [singing] dum da da da-da-da dum, under
pressure.

Mike: I think I liked her better as a laughing loon.

>"Major! We have a surgical team standing by." "Roger,
>starting Ringer's Lactate."

Crow: Oh, I fervently hope that's another name for Milk of
Magnesia...

Tom: This fic blew all of its money on the cameos!  Roger
Moore, Roger Rabbit, Roger the Shrubber...

Mike: Lactating underway!  Prepare the cornflakes and
strawberries!

>The tech spoke into his headset.

Crow: <tech> Ready lighting!  Ready Sound!  Ready to roll in
15 seconds, 5 seconds from now....

Tom: <tech> Well, I'm not really a tech guy...But I did stay
at a Holiday Inn last night!

Mike: The story really heightens the lack of interest in the
fic.

Tom: Yeah... huh?

>---

Tom: <Tuxedo Kamen> Now, Sailor Moon!

Mike: UFOS!  LAND HERE!

Crow: Uh, I'd like to solve the puzzle, Pat!

>"I am so sorry, but I just couldn't help it!" Asuka smiled
>and then grimaced. "Ouch!"

Crow: You can stop slapping her now, Misato

Mike: <Asuka> That root canal they gave me to calm me down
might've been just a bit too much.

>"You tore your abdominal muscles and began bleeding
>internally.  The surgeons have repaired the muscles and
>stopped the bleeding.

Mike: <Misato> They need to do exploratory surgery in a week
to remove the internal Band-Aids though.

Tom: <Asuka> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!

Crow: <Rei> Stop lauging, this is serious!

Tom: <Asuka> But that's just an absurd diagnosis!

Crow: <Rei> Well...okay...

Mike: <Gendon> Nothing can be more absurd than this fic. 
Gendon has spoken!

>You will begin physical therapy in three days to avoid
>losing muscle tone. A plastic surgeon performed the open
>and close procedures to eliminate scarring.

Mike: <Rei> He also enlarged certain other areas as well...

Crow: <Asuka> Oh no, I'm a Double D now!!

Mike: <Rei> You betcha hot stuff!

>You will follow his instructions in caring for the
>incision." Misato informed her.

Tom:  Be sure to feed it iodine three times a day and keep
the scab warm!

Mike: <Misato> Just make sure you don't get it wet and
don't feed it after midnight.

Crow: <Asuka> That's funny, Misato!  HAhahahaha ow ow ouch
ow...

>"Damn! This smarts! Asuka looked at her abdomen; a swollen
>purple line ran across her bikini line.

Mike: So much for eliminating scarring.

Tom: <Misato> Now we've got matching scars!  Isn't it cool?

Mike: Gendon spent all of the NERV medical money on a giant
gold statue of himself...

>"As required by regulations, I have made a formal report
>of the incident, which no doubt will be passed around to
>every department at NERV," concluded the Major.

Crow: <Misato> By Monday morning, your hidious scar will be
conversation for every water cooler in the department!

Tom: Which will result in complete inefficiency, as it is
posted everywhere and even offered to the Darwin Awards...

Mike: <Asuka> Gee, I almost die and I get to be humilated by
my coworkers...What'd I do to be so lucky?

Tom: So what did this all have to do with Duke Shinji and Sir
Ayanami?  Or even Neon Genesis Evangelion?

>--

Mike: The scene break is coming down with male pattern
baldness.

>In another area of NERV...
>"Is that the report?" asked Commander Ikari.

Crow: [singing] Believe it or not, this fanfic's still on,
it should've ended two hours ago...

Mike: <Kozo> No, it's a chain e-mail.  For good luck send
it on to seven of your friends.

Tom: <weathergirl> Hold your horses!  I haven't finished
stripping yet!

>"Burn it! AND GET THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE!"

Tom: <Gendon> SO GENDON ORDERS, SO IT SHALL BE!!!

Mike: Y'know, I almost miss the umbrella right now. I wonder
what it's doing?

Crow: <Sword> Got any threes?

Tom: <Umbrella> Go fish.

>Asuka recovered without incident, the reminder was a thin
>pink line that the surgeon assured her would fade away in a
>few months.

Tom: Are we reading an epilogue now?

Mike: Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...This fic has passed on
to a better place.

Crow He said epilogue, not epitaph...

>Her physical therapy kept her abdomen flat, Miyako had some
>exercises she also recommended. "I tore a muscle playing
>tennis once," she remarked.

Crow: <Miyako> Y'know, back when I used to be Martina
Navratilova's concubine.

Mike: <Miyako> It was in my thumb from playing Virtua Tennis.

Tom: <Asuka> But that's no reason for signing me up for Tae
Bo classes!

Mike: <Miyako> Why not?  That Billy Blanks is scrumptious
enough to eat!  Mmm-mmm!

>End of Chapter 1

Tom: Chapter 1?  There's.. more??

Crow: Ya call that an ending? Why back in my day we had lots
of killing, kissing, and pointless explosions to end our
fics!

Mike: And occasionally, they even tied up VERY loose ends to
the plots...

Tom: Coming up next time, More Asuka bashing, more Sir
Ayanami and Duke Shinji, and maybe an Angel if we can work
them inbetween all of this fun and exciting action...

--Satellite of Love

  "Hoo, boy, did anyone catch the license plate on
that crossover?"  Tom Servo complained.

  Mike sighed.  "No, little buddy, it pretty much
blind-sided us..."

  "Hey, I know what let's do!"  Crow said from Mike's
right side.  "Remember Miyako the geisha-slash-concubiness-
slash-cook-slash-everything else?"

  "How the heck can we forget, Crow?" Tom groused.

  "Well, I figure we should help the readers avoid
this sort of human plot contrivance in the future...
by showing them Classifieds Geishas Place!" Crow
celebrated.  He had a newspaper in one claw, which
Mike took and spread out on the desk.  After opening
to page F13, there were many red circles. 

  Mike smiled.  "Okay Crow, why don't you start?"

  "Here's one!  'SW, Asian, looking for stable
environment in which to torture German preteens!'" Crow
read.

  "Hey, yeah, I can get into this!" Tom said.  He
hovered near the paper and read another of the circled
ads.  "'Lonely woman ISO NURV Geofront masters who
would pay handsomely to move the plot along!'"

  Mike took a pair of reading glasses from his pocket
and looked at another ad.  "Here we go... 'I'm a
geisha, hire me!'"

  "I think that one was a bit desperate, Mike," Crow
stated.

  "And here I thought Miyako was the last of the
red-hot geishas, Crow... what gives?" Mike inquired.

  "Well, once girls the world 'round read this story
and saw the immense power a geisha can wield, along
with hobnobbing with royalty AND Gendon at the same
time... what poor young woman could resist?"  Crow
moved the paper and pointed to another ad.  "Besides,
they have a great training school..."

  "Mr. Fujinami's Finishing School for Young Geishas"
Mike read. "That's rather ironic, innit?" he asked
rhetorically.  Just then, the red light on the counter
started flashing.  "What do you think, Dr. Rangerer?"

-- Deep Thirteen

  "And if you'll look at this policy, Mr.
Forrester..."

  "DOCTOR Forrester."

  "Right, right... if you'll look at this policy, we
expressly forbid payment on ANY collision, no matter
the size.  Therefore, our contract is ironclad, and
don't forget to pay your premium... in a couple days,
isn't it?  February twentieth is coming up soo-oon..."
Pitch the devil folded his copy of the Satellite of
Love's insurance contract and placed a battered derby
hat on his head.

  "Uhh, thanks for coming, I guess..." Dr. Forrester
stammered.

  "Right.  Shall I push this button for you before I
go?"

  "By all means..." Dr. F kept scanning the contract,
possibly looking for a loophole...

  ---FWOOSH!---

People involved in this project:
Fido, Gary, Latin_D, Megane 6.7, Ammadeau, Lerche, Richard,
Zoogz.

Editors: Megane 6.7 and Zoogz

Host segment writer: Zoogz

Other stories by this author (Teisu) may be found at:
http://www.geocities.com/bthies

Other MSTs by the Dot Every T production team may be found at:
http://www.nabiki.com/megane67/mst/colla

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