In the not too distant future,
Next Monday AD,
There was a guy named Eric,
Really different from you and me!

'Cause he ran World Championship Wrestling!
Home of stars like Lex and Sting!
But he made some enemies along the way...
And they came up with a plan to MAKE HIM PAY!

'I'll send him cheesy postings!
The worst I can find! (La-la-la!)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And I'll monitor his mind! (La-la-la!)'

So keep in mind Bisch can't control
When the postings begin or end...
So he'll try to keep his sanity
With the help of his wrestler friends!

WRESTLER ROLL CALL!!

MARK!  (The Lord of Darkness!)
BRET! (He's Canadian!)
NASH! (I'm huge!)
BIIIIISCHOFF! (FEAR MY PEN!)

So if you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other science facts,
Just repeat to yourself 'Wrestling is fake!
I should really just relax!'

FOR MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000!!

[guitar twang, and...]

     The roar of the crowd was deafening... it always was, when he
showed up in his home territory.  And Montreal was alive that night,
cheering for their hero, their patriot... Bret 'The Hitman' Hart, currently
in his fifth reign as WWF champion and an all-around nice guy.  Well,
at least in Canada, anyway.  In the US he was usually regarded as a
monstrous heel.  He preferred playing the hero... but any reaction was
better than silence, at least to a wrestler.  However, he was solidly
the crowd's favorite that night... probably because Shawn Michaels
humped the national flag a bit earlier.

     Despite their personal differences, himself and Hickenbottom had
managed to put on a decent performance that night, *and* even
managed to hold off on their natural inclination to attempt to hurt the
other one for real.  Everything had proceeded according to plan... in fact,
they were right at the end of their allotted time, and ready to go for the
finish.

     The ending Bret had been given was an oldie but goodie... Shawn
would put him in his own signature submission hold, the Sharpshooter.
There would be a run-in, and a nice screwjob DQ finish that would really
only satisfy the egos of the wrestlers involved.

     Of course, *this* time Bret knew that he'd been conspired against.
When Shawn put him in the Sharpshooter and Bret was selling the move,
Vince McMahon would walk down to ringside and order Earl Hebner to
ring the bell.  Bret would only be able to stand and watch as Vince then
handed *his* World Championship to a person that he despised.  Fifteen
years of hard, faithful work would be thrown in the garbage by his employer,
who was mortified that he might take the WWF's title belt on the
competition's show when he went.  And of course, Vince never let anyone
leave him with their dignity intact.

     This time, he already knew all of that, and he knew exactly what to
do.  When Shawn grabbed his legs in preparation for the hold, Bret simply
kicked away.  After all, the show was staged, so Shawn's grip hadn't
been too tight.  Shawn almost broke character then and there and started
bitching at him; Bret's reply was a nice, hard fist to the face.  A few more
punches in the stomach for good measure, one more sock to the jaw to
make sure Hickenbottom stayed down, and then Bret put on the
Sharpshooter himself.  A *real* Sharpshooter.  The kind that would turn
Hickenbottom into a chiropractor's dream.

     After a few short seconds of real pain, Hickenbottom was screaming
like a girl and obviously tapping out.  Vince had come to ringside, and
was shocked to see his double cross going down the toilet and his Boy
Toy beating the canvas furiously.  Hebner seemed stunned.  He knew he
wasn't supposed to let Bret win, but the entire crowd could clearly see
Shawn tapping out and hear him screaming.

     Bret glared at the referee and bore down even harder on Shawn's
back, prompting the Heartbreak Kid to squeal louder.  "Ring it!!" he
shouted vengefully at Hebner.  "*I'm* the champion!  Ring it, or
Hickenbottom never wrestles again!"  Bret emphasized his words by
increasing the pressure of his Sharpshooter, prompting Shawn to let
out another incredible scream.  Hebner looked to Vince, who nodded
vigorously yet reluctantly, knowing that somehow the Hitman had
bested him.

     Bret released Shawn contemptuously once the bell rang, and snatched
up his belt himself.   "Thanks, Earl," he said with a smirk in the ref's
direction before braining him with the belt.  The announcers had long
since fallen completely silent, knowing that this was *not* the planned
ending.

     Bret rolled out of the ring and began stalking Vince, who was backing
away furiously, arms raised in the universal 'Hey-don't-kill-me' gesture.
"Now... now, Bret..." Vince began nervously, "I... you know I'd never lie
to you... I just came to see you off..."

     "Sure.  Sure you did.  It's the Hitman's last match here, so it's time to
screw him over, huh, Vince?  It's time to destroy him!  After all, we
can't let the competition have a *valuable* commodity, right?" Bret spat
at his former employer.  "I think you're gonna find out exactly what
being the champion means to me, Vince..."

     Vince McMahon attempted to run like the coward he was then, but
he was no match for a thoroughly enraged wrestler.  One shot to the
stomach doubled Vince over.  Then Bret raised his title belt up high, and
brought it down furiously, sending the promoter form the ground.  Then it
was simplicity itself to grab Vince and put him in the Sharpshooter.  The
crowd cheered uproariously for him all the while, as Bret bore down harder
and harder...

     ... and then the crowd, Vince, and everything else faded from existence.
Bret actually toppled over backwards, as he felt himself viciously pulling
back on... nothing.

     Bret hit grid-patterned floor that distinguished the inside of the
Holocabana when inoperative very hard.  He pulled himself up, and
grinned sheepishly at the tall figure who had quietly entered during the
simulation and apparently turned it off.  "Ah... Hiya, Mark."

     "Bret," Mark rumbled in his gravely voice, "You've really got to get
over this."

     Bret stood up, for the first time ever feeling a bit foolish in his ring
gear.  "Y'know what the odd thing is, Mark?  This is the first time I've
ever done that.  I mean, we've only had the Holocabana working for a
few weeks, right?"

     "Yes, but still..." Mark began uneasily.  "That was *months* ago, Bret.
I'm not saying you should forget it... in fact, I'll be the first to say Vince
was a complete and total bastard.  But really, you might as well have a
'Death of Shawn Michaels' sim going."

     "Oh, I don't hate Shawn for the Survivor Series thing... I've got plenty
of other good reasons," Bret joked rather lamely.  "It's just... I thought it
would be a fun way to cheer myself up!  Like a big video game, right?"

     Mark stared on evenly at his friend, clearly not convinced.  Bret wilted
under that merciless look, and all his false good humor drained away to
reveal a very depressed man.  "All right, that was bad.  I've thought about
doing it a lot, but I knew it would just be bad for me.  It's just..." Bret
trailed off and looked down, his voice suddenly growing very quiet.
"... it's harder to be up here than it was... before.  Vince has managed
to take *everything* away for me.  I just wanted to pretend I could take
something back.  Just for a little while.  That's not too bad, is it?" Bret's
voice almost cracked a little as he said that; something much more
important than a title was bothering him.

     Mark knew very well that what... well, to be more specific, *who* it
was.  Bret hadn't been the same since her abrupt departure from the
Satellite a few weeks ago, and had spent an inordinate amount trying to
reach Club Anipike with the hexfield.  He had gotten through a few
times, too... which had only made it all the worse when Vince discovered
the transmissions and cut them off.  Since then, Bret been moping around
the Satellite... they really shouldn't have let him get this lonely.

     "No... no, it isn't," Mark said sympathetically.  "But I still don't think
you should be wasting your time beating up simulated punching bags in
here."  Then the big man grinned.  "Remember the 'One Night Only'
match...?"

     Bret's eyes lit up.  "How could I *forget*?  That was the best match we
ever had!" he exclaimed.

     "Give me a few minutes to get my ring gear," Mark smiled slightly.
"You program the arena."

     "Cool!  Hey, which one of your entrances do you want?"

     "Hmmm... one of the bigger ones.  Lights out, big pyrotechnics... you
know.  Adds to the fun."

     "And of course, we both get unrealistically big pops from the crowd!"
Bret said gleefully as he began tapping commands into the Holocabana's
controls.

     "Of course!" Mark replied as he began head out the door and down
to his room... and the 'incoming message' klaxons and lights went off.
Bret groaned audibly and let his head fall heavily against the wall while
Mark simply swore.

     "Wonderful... Southern Justice is calling," Mark said.

     "Come on," Bret grumbled.  "It's that time again..."

THE BRIDGE OF THE SON

     Bret and Mark stalked in a few minutes after Bischoff and Nash had
already arrived.  Nash was completely oblivious, listening to a Fugees
CD on his headset.  Bischoff looked incredibly cranky as he tapped the
Mads' light; that quiche he had worked so hard on had just been sent
straight to hell.

     Vince was, as usual, in a joyous mood.  However, his sidekick Rocky
Maivia looked even worse than the Satellite's inhabitants.  In fact, the
Rock was slumped dejectedly against the Deus Ex Machina in the
background, looking very worn and depressed.

     Bret grinned wickedly as he looked on at the Nation's melancholy
leader.  "Oh, did someone have to lose his precious Intercontinental
Title to Hickenbottom's girlfriend?"

     Rocky jerked up, a fire burning in his eyes.  He began to shout
furiously, "THE ROCK SAYS KNOW YOUR ROLE AN'... and..."
Rocky trailed off, his expression collapsing into one of utter misery.
"Oh, who the hell am I tryin' to kid?  IT'S NOT FAIR, DAMMIT, IT'S
NOT FAIR!"  At that, Rocky burst into tears and dropped to his knees,
weakly holding on to the Deus Ex Machina's control panel for support.
"Me, they were chantin' for *me*..." he whimpered helplessly.   "Why,
God, WHY?!!"

     Vince rolled his eyes in exasperation, debated pulling out one of
Pippkin's big cartoon mallets and putting Rocky out of his misery, and
ultimately decided against it.  "Rocky, do you remember why I had you
lose the intercontinental title?"

     "Because you like Hunter better than me?" Rocky sniffed.

     "SO I COULD PUSH YOU FOR THE *WORLD* TITLE!"  Vince
yelled at him.  "*And* give you that face turn you'd been *begging* me for!"

     "But what about when you made me job to Mark Henry?" Rocky asked
uncertainly.

     "Rocky, remind me to kill you when your contract is up," Vince sighed.
"For now, though, it's time to torment the boobies."

     "Oh, sure," Rocky said, becoming a bit more like his swaggering self
again. "Just give the Rock a few minutes to get the... HEY!"

     "Well, while The Rock is attempting to get the hamsters in his head
running on their little wheels again, why don't you go first with the Gimmick
Exchange this week, Norman Smileys?" Vince asked graciously.

     "Do we have a choice?" Eric asked dryly.

     "Of course not!  Now, away you go!"

     Eric sighed heavily and pulled off his oven mitts as Mark forcibly
pulled Nash's headset off.  Bret quieted the bickering big men with a
quick glare, and then the wrestlers all fell into line to present their
gimmick.

     "Well, Prince of This World, our Gimmick this week isn't a gadget
or piece of merchandising... it's a game!" Eric began brightly.

     "Yup!" Nash added.  "It's all about my favorite luchadore and yours,
the one and the only... KONNAN!"

     "In fact, we named the game after him!" Bret picked up the thread.
"We call it 'Six Degrees of Konnan'!"

     "The premise is simple," Mark explained.  "This game demonstrates
that it's possible, with sufficient wrestling knowledge, to connect any
living professional wrestler to Konnan via six steps or less.  An example:
The Ultimate Warrior."

     "The Ultimate Warrior had a memorable match with Hulk Hogan at
Wrestlemania VI," Eric began.

    "Hulk Hogan, in his 'Hollywood' incarnation, had a major match with
Sting at Starrcade '98," Bret continued.

     "And Sting had series of matches with yours truly on Monday Nitro
a few months back," Nash added.

     "Well, Kevin Nash once wrestled a match against Rey Mysterio jr,"
Bischoff said.

     Mark finished it.  "And Rey Mysterio jr. has wrestled multiple matches
against..."

     "...KONNAN!" the wrestlers shouted together.

     "Neat, huh?" Eric beamed.  "Well, what do you think?"

     "Anyone?  Are you sure?"  Vince said speculatively.  "How about...
Yokozuna?"

     "Easy!" Bret countered.  "Yokozuna wrestled Mark at a Royal Rumble,
who wrestled me *several* times.  And I took the WCW US title after a
match with Diamond Dallas Page..."

     "... who wrestled a bunch of squashes against..." Nash prepared to finish.

     "... KONNAN!" The crew of the SON shouted in unison again.

     "Amusing, mortals," Vince said lightly.  "But really, it's nothing
compared to my gimmick..."

     "Taka Michinoku!  Could you do Taka Michinoku?" Rocky asked
curiously.

     Vince glared at his erstwhile sidekick and continued.  "Why, I even
named it honor of my *valued employee* Rocky, here... I call it the
People's Pop."  Vince gestured to Rocky, who dutifully wheeled out a
gadget that resembled the game board of Milton Bradley's 'Trouble' hot
wired to the insides of a supercomputer.

     "You see, as a promoter, I work overtime in attempting to put my
wrestlers over.  Sadly, though, sometimes it only takes one bad gimmick
to turn a crowd against a wrestler forever, permanently wasting talent.
Wouldn't everything be much easier if you could somehow take the
uncertainty out of putting someone over?  What if you could go directly
into the minds of the great unwashed and *make* them react to whoever
you felt like putting in the ring?"

     The SON crew stared back at Vince through the viewscreen, looking
slightly uncomfortable.  "Then wrestling would become hollow and
soulless as all real interaction between the performers and the audience
was lost?" Bret ventured.

     "Yeah, what would the *point* be?" Nash asked.

     "What it's always been: to make money off of stupid people," Vince
declared emphatically.  "The People's Pop simply takes that to the next
level.  It uses some rather complex mind control techniques... well,
Pippkin installed most of those, so I won't try to explain them.  Suffice
to say that I can use it to make any crowd do *exactly* what I want them
to.  And for a demonstration... well, I believe your pathetic excuse for a
wrestling show is on right now, and it *is* live..."  Vince grinned
wickedly as the Rock cued up another viewscreen that showed a live
feed from the arena where WCW Monday Nitro was broadcasting.

     "Vince... what are you going to do?" Eric began very nervously.

     "Just watch, Lee Iacocca.  Simply calibrate the People's Pop for the
crowd in question, then enter the name of one of the wrestlers in the
ring... in this case, Chris Jericho," Vince lectured as he began tapping
away at the gadget's keyboard.  "Then simply tell the machine whether
to use a 'face' or 'heel' pop... let's go with face, just to make things
interesting... then hit the Pop-o-matic bubble, and... oh, look!  The
'rules' chant!"

     The crowd in the arena suddenly exploded into a thunderous
'Jericho rules!' chant, which shocked the Lionheart so much that he
completely botched the moonsault he was attempting and fell crashing
to the floor.  Vince beamed proudly as Eric dropped to his knees on
the Satellite and began weeping.

     "Damn you, Vince!  He was one of the best heels I *had*!!" Eric
choked out in rage.

     "Yes, I know," Vince sighed contentedly. "And remember, it'll work
on anyone..." Vince tapped the keyboard a few times, recalibrating it for
a 'heel' reaction for Jericho's opponent.

     "Don't you dare, Vince!  Don't you *dare*!" Eric shrieked furiously.

     But by then, it was too late.  The Pop-o-matic bubble had been
pressed, and the crowd immediately began inflicting the dread 'whiny'
chant on Jericho's opponent... one Bill Goldberg.

     "Goooooldberg... Gooooooldberg..."

     Eric breathed a sigh of relief.  Mark just smirked at Vince through the
viewscreen.  "Gee, Vince, don't they sound like that *anyway*?"

     "Well, I... yes, but... look, I can't be asked to take gross stupidity into
account," Vince said with a scowl.  "I'm sure I can get this to work
properly... Rocky, tell them about their experiment this week."

     "Gotcha, boss," Rocky grinned.  "Your candy asses are damn sure
going to know the meanin' of suffering after this week's experiment... you've
got *two* posts to read!  And the first is a pair of interviews done by your
favorite ratings steroid, one Jim Hellwig... if you smell what the Rock is
cookin'."  The Rock concluded his taunting by arching the People's Eyebrow.

     "WARRIOR?!" The SON crew shrieked in unison.

     "Oh, no..." Bischoff whined.  "He writes like his character talks..."

     "Well, we're going to have deal with Jim's reality-impairment," Mark
growled unhappily.  Sirens and warning lights promptly began to go off.
"CAUSE WE'VE GOT WARRIOR RANT SIIIIIIGN!!"

[6-5-4-3-2-1]

[All enter theater and take their seats (from r-to-l: Mark, Bisch, Bret,
and Nash)]

Bisch: Jeez, not having to deal with Jim was one of the *good* things
about being up here...

>Interview given 11/15/97...

Bret: Flames given 11/16/97...
Mark: Steroids given 6/16/87.
Nash: Wonder who he gave this interview with?
Bisch: Ten bucks says he made it all up for the purposes of shameless
self-promotion.
Nash: Ha!  The name's Big Sexy, not Big Stupid.
Mark: That's *highly* debatable.
Bret: Guys, c'mon...

>Question #1.

Mark: Who are you?
Bret: Have you now or have you ever been mistaken for a professional
wrestler?
Nash: Do you tie ribbons around your biceps to hide the needle marks?
Bisch: Nash...

>You, and the rest of the wrestling world know that The Ultimate Warrior
>is one of if not THE

Nash: ...biggest load on two feet!
Mark: ...most overrated wrestler since El Gigante!
Bret: ...incoherent writer since Dr. Thinker himself!

>best gimmicks of all time,

Mark [rather proudly]: The Undertaker?
Nash : Stone Cold Steve Austin?
Bisch: Outback Jack?
Bret [sighs]

>the intensity of the Warrior is amazing, the rush of the crowd is so
>powerful,

Nash: The stupidity of the booking is startling, the chants of the crowd
are canned.
Bret: The audacity of the Hulkster is incredible, the groans of the crowd
are evident.
Mark: The simplicity of Schiavone is obvious, the screams of the crowd
are extreme.

>why aren't you offering your services?

Bisch: Actually, he is... [mutters] ... and not cheap, either...
Nash <Warrior>: Hey!  What I do in the privacy of Mr.
Patterson's office is our business!
Bret: Gee, I'm surprised you're not bringing up the night he was
straddling Ed Leslie...
Nash [glowering]: I had almost managed to block that out, pink boy.
Mark: Yeah, the WWF could use another garbage man after losing
Duke 'The Dumpster' Droese....

>Is it because of the success of "Ultimate Creations"?

Bisch <Warrior>: ...or because I'm holding out for more money
than god?
Bret: Ultimate Creations.  Their motto: God fears us.
Mark: I have no doubt Jim thinks that, too.

>Answer... If what you mean by services is "wrestling services",

All: [snicker at this]
Bisch: Aw, heck no, Jim!  We wanted you to be our erudite and concise
spokesman!

>the answer is quite simple.

Nash <Warrior>: I'll wrestle anybody, anywhere, anytime in a
tub of lime jello!
Bisch: Unless it's Baston Booger....
All: Ewwwww....

>It makes no sense for me to go to any other place

Mark: Then it's settled!  Hell it is!

>either than the WWF or WCW. Independent promotions are futile for
>all concerned, no matter the money.

Bret <Warrior>: ECW!  I spit my spleen upon thee!

>WWF is not an option. WCW is,

Mark: ....the only organization stupid enough to pay my ridiculous salary.
Bret [sighs]: I wish I could argue with that.
Bisch: Well, at least he didn't insist on having a string of titles the way
Terry does.

>but no solid contractual issues - one to be shelved - have taken place
>and part of that reason does have to do with

Nash <Warrior>: ....Goldberg.  He hasn't been fully lobotomized to job to me
yet.
Bisch: Still, though, the brainwashing's been going pretty well.  We've
almost gotten Bill to believe that it *wouldn't* make him look like an
idiot.

>Ultimate Creations, Inc. business. I've invested time and money while
>working the last 4-5 of years on UCI projects

Mark <Warrior>: I managed to create an incoherent and badly drawn
comic book with a publishing schedule that would make Dale Keown
look good!

>and to just dismiss them
>and go back out on the road full-time makes no sense.

Bisch: Nonsense!
Bret <Warrior>: But then I realized I make no sense anyway, so
what the hell!

>If at some point and time, a favorable arrangement can be reached, it
>would have to address these issues in a way

Mark: ... that would no doubt involve bright colors, puppets, and lots of
songs.                             .

>that I could use the television
>exposure to take them to new heights.

All <singing> Hit the hits, light the lights, we ain't got nothin to hit but
the heights....
Nash [snickering]: Yeah, like the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat he
wore for his big return...
Bret: If anyone ever makes fun of *my* ring gear again after that...
Bisch: Warrior-to-English translation: The organization must let me
exploit it for my own selfish, weaselly ends!
Mark: Oh, we've never seen *that* in WCW...

>Likewise, it makes no sense, in a major way, for WCW to enter into an
>agreement which is not conducive to the goals they would also like to
>accomplish.

Bisch: Look, you big pretentious freak!  It's real simple.  I pay
you way too much money, then you get me ratings until I figure out how
to maintain the lead in the ratings war, and then I dump your sorry ass.
Simple enough for you?
Bret [stares]: That was a disturbing burst of honesty.
Mark <UT voice>: Don't make Uncle Eric use his PEN OF DOOM...

>It goes both ways.

Nash <Warrior>: As do I!

>The success of The Ultimate Warrior character was so that it's easy for
>fans or promoters to pigeonhole me

Mark <Warrior>: How dare the plebeians think wrestlers should wrestle!

>and have people ask why I'd want
>to do anything else other than wrestle.

Bisch: After all, you're *such* an expert on that... I mean, it would be
like DaVinci giving up painting!
Bret: More like Liefeld giving up on comics.
[Everyone sighs blissfully at the thought]

>This answer is just as simple.

Mark <Warrior>: Almost as simple as me!
Nash <Warrior>: Because soon the fans will be sick of me, so I
have to milk this for all it's worth!

>I believe in Project Warrior,

Bisch <Warrior>: But then again I believe in my own PR!
Bret: And I believe in the power of love.
Nash: I believe in the power of the almighty dollar, myself.
Mark: And look where *that's* gotten you...

>I can do it, I want to do it and doing it is good business.

Mark <Warrior>: And dog gone it, people like me!
Bisch: I think Pat Patterson has that slogan on a plaque in his office....
Bret: Aw, he's the little warrior that could!
Nash: Geez, keep it in your pants, Jim!

>The opinions of cynics don't bother me in the least bit.

Mark <Warrior>: All those past rants against Vince McMahon
and the WWF were just a phase I was going through....
Bisch <Warrior>: I lost my ability to objectively view reality a long time
ago!  Nothing can penetrate the ego wall that protects my delicate fantasy
world!
Nash [muttering]: Pot, meet kettle.

>Question #2.

Bret: Who's asking these questions, anyway?  Warrior?
Nash: If I were a toilet and you just pissed on me, how would you wipe me?
Bisch: Ick, Kevin!
Mark <singing>: Our crackpot has a first name, it's J-I-M-M-Y...

>As I understand YOU own the copyright to the name "Ultimate Warrior"

All <George "The Animal" Steele>: YOU!!!
Bret <Questioner>: But as I understand it, the earth is flat and disease
is caused by demonic possession!

>but Titan thinks for some reason that they do...

Nash <questioner>: Gawd, Titan with their stupid *copyright laws*...

>Can you explain why?

Bisch <Warrior>: Well, the legal tradition goes back to British common
law...

>
>Answer - I do.

Mark: Then by the powers invested in me, I now pronounce you man
and wife!

>For a lot of reasons. Without going into a legal treatise,

All: Thank you, Jim!
Bret: I mean, can you imagine how he'd butcher legal terms?
Nash: Yeah, and I bet the little treatise he's not giving is from an 'LA Law'
episode.

>the bottom line(s) are

All: 'CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!

>two important points. 1. My career in the WCCW as the Warrior/Dingo
>Warrior was

Bisch <Warrior>: ....uneventful and boring, just like my rants,
so let's forget about both right now.
Mark: Warrior had to drop the Dingo part after he ate that baby....

>the primordial and peremptory version of my Warrior concept,

Bret: ... and it needs to be upgraded *very* badly.
Nash <Warrior, singing>: Talk in everlasting words... And
dedicate them all to me....
Bisch: 'Peremptory'?  As in, 'characterized by often imperious or arrogant
self-assurance'?  Yeah, I'll buy that.

>which was all along, still the same, the Ultimate Warrior.

Mark <Warrior>: I mean, c'mon, did you people really think I could
have more than one idea?

>and 2. I do indeed own all the trademarks in the utmost legal way,

Bret <Warrior>: My trademark's better than yours! Nyahh! Nyahh!

>they are all documented in the U.S. Trademark, Copyright and Patent
>office in Washington, D.C. under my name - my corporation's name.

Nash <Warrior>: And my mommy's name!
Bisch <Warrior>: 'Cause let's face it, my real name is goofy as hell.

>Matter of fact, in preparing for an upcoming hearing,

Mark: He went to an ENT specialist!  Thank you!
Nash: He bribed the screws in advance?
Bret: He was forced to spend several months choreographing his moves
due to his innate lack of talent?

>some of the materials gathered show where I used Ultimate Warrior,

Bisch <Warrior>: And where I used new Ultra Tide with bleach.

>even in name, way before I went to the WWF.

Mark: And it wasn't pretty folks....
Nash: More than we'll EVER want to know about the Warrior's
early career....
Bret: I dunno, the pictures of him and Steve as the Bladerunners are
pretty disturbing.

>Back in the beginning

Mark: There was darkness.  Then the great bald Bollea said 'let there be ego'...
and thus the vicious cycle began.

>Titan had only the right to license and use my warrior property,
>but they never owned it.

Bisch <Warrior>: I'm keeping my baby!
Nash: And he's welcome to it.
Bret: How are those two different, anyway?
Mark: Well, Titan did all the work, and Jim made all the money, and
apparently Vince was struck by Tourette's syndrome when he signed
that contract.

>That idea is just another example of how Titan liked to think they
>owned everyone and everything,

Bisch: Unlike Turner Broadcasting, who *KNOWS* that
they own everyone and everything....
Mark: Not even a hint of sarcasm in your voice... Bret, I'm scared.
Bret: Well, so was I, but it's not that bad when you get used to the total
lack of dignity.

>including the body language and mannerisms as they are claiming in
>their lawsuit against WCW.

Nash <Vince>: Damn it, Warrior!  I don't care if you run like a
madman to the ring, I don't even care if you keep pounding your chest,
but I worked hard to think up the 'spaz shaking the ropes' bit, and
I'll be damned if I lose it to you!

>It's ridiculous and whoever advised them did so wrongly.

Bisch <Warrior>: He should be crucified, along with all those guilty of
spelling errors.

>The truth of all is soon to come out.

All: [whistle the theme to the X-Files]

>Question#3.

Bret: No, really.  Who's asking all these questions?
Nash: Is Dusty Rhodes qualified to be a WCW booker or does he have
a photo of Eric with a donkey?
Bisch: NASH!! I'm seeing a distinct lack of push in someone's future...
Nash: Oh, like you could screw my career up any more.

>Who do you feel is the ALL AROUND best wrestling athlete in the
>wrestling industry today?

Mark: ALL AROUND?  No doubt about it.  Yokozuna wins hands down.
Bret [chanting]: FATMAN FOREVER!!! FATMAN FOREVER!!!
Bisch: Warrior knows something about wrestling?!

>Answer - I think Chris Benoit is great

[stunned silence]
Bisch: Holy crap, he does!
Bret: But y'know, this just means he has even less of an excuse.  I mean,
Nash knows more moves than he does!
Nash: Damn skippy... HEY!

>and I also think T.J. Booker is outstanding.

[Widespread giggling breaks out]
Mark: *Who*?!
Bisch: Booker's a good cop!
Bret: Wonder if that guy's anything at all like *Booker T*?
Nash: I've got this picture of William Shatner wrestling Chris Benoit
stuck in my head now...

>Chris and he have a fluidity to them when they work, like a fine-tuned
>machine.

Mark <JR>: It's the big red machine!  It's KANE!!
Bret <Warrior>: Completely unlike me, actually... I wonder if that
means something...

>The kicks and movements of T.J. are some of, if not the best
>in the business.

Bisch: Oh please!  The Great Sasuke's kicks are way more powerful than
Booker's, and he's a lightweight!
Nash: And don't even get me started on *your* baby kicks....
Bisch: Someone really wants to get fired, doesn't he?
Nash: Yeah, pretty much.

>Without knowing, I'd say he has an extensive martial arts background.

Mark: Without knowing, I'd say the Warrior wears polka-dot jammies.
Bret <Warrior>: Without knowing, I might say something blatantly
inaccurate and really stupid!

>He is a perfect example of unused talent.

Nash: Yeah, Booker's the Flash Funk of WCW....

>They should do something creative with him.

Bisch: I've got it!  We'll have him dress up like a clown and make him
evil!  Or how about we paint his face white and have him set his
opponent's feet on fire in the ring!
Mark: Maybe we can have him wear drag and call him adorable?

>Question#4.

Bret: Was Kerry Von Eric your illegitimate son?
Nash: Is there any truth to the rumor that Renegade is now cleaning
toilets for WCW house shows?
Bisch: Oh, like we'd let him do that. He scrapes the gum off the seats
with Glacier.

>If you could clear your mind with Vince McMahon in a calm manner,

Bret: If we could do that, we wouldn't be trapped in this satellite!!
Mark: Hell, I'd still like to know why I'm here.

>what would you say to him on how he is/was to you and ALL wrestlers
>in general???

Nash: Take me back, please?
Bisch: KEVIN!!

>Answer - You couldn't. Nobody could.

Bret <Warrior>: I couldn't, either.  Trying would kill me.
Mark <Warrior>: These are too easy!  Come on!  Next
question, next question....

>Being calm is easy,

Nash: But Comedy's a bitch.

>the problem is getting reality out of Vince.

Bisch: Jim, people who live in glass houses that they exit by disappearing
in a cloud of smoke shouldn't attempt to show us the truth by flashing
their giant Warrior-signal on it.

>He's lost and he's in jeopardy

All <singing>: ....BABY!  Ooooohhhhhooohhhhhh....
Bret <Vince>: I'll take using others for my own personal gain for $400, Alex.

>of losing his whole company... soon after he loses his mind first.

Mark <singing>: Soy un perdido...
Nash and Bisch <singing>: He's a loser, baby.....
Bret: So kill him!  KILL HIM!!

>Most people re-adjust themselves when they err.

Nash: Yeah, and people shouldn't get mad at ya for doing it in public
when there's not a bathroom around.
Mark: Uh, speaking of err, Warrior, the word *readjust* doesn't have a
dash in it.
Bisch: Spellchecker!  Try using it!
Bret: Or that dictionary you have!

>Vince's actions are illusive.

Nash: Oh, lose the frigging adjectives, already!  They aren't impressing
anybody!
Mark: So Vince's isn't really doing anything and he's just tricking us into
thinking that he is?
Bisch: That would be nice if it were true, but I think Warrior just
demonstrated once more that he's just not an English major.

>Here I am answering these questions on the eve of his online appearance
>following a RAW program devoted to the incident with Bret Hart. I ask
>you,

Nash <Warrior>: Why, Bret, why?
Bret <Warrior>: Maybe it's just me, but those Canadian fans
looked really pissed... maybe because someone just DESTROYED
THEIR HERO...
Mark [sighs]: What was Vince smoking that night?
Bisch: Whatever it was, I wish he'd smoke some more.

>"Why would he do that if he had commited no wrongs?"

Bret: [starts giggling uncontrollably]
Nash: You okay, pink-boy?
Bret: Hehehehe... sorry, I was just picturing Warrior speaking Old
English.
Mark <Warrior>: To be or not to be....FOR THAT IS THE
ULTIMATE QUESTION!!!  SPEAK TO ME WARRIORS!!!  Whether
'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous
fortune....OR TO TAKE ARMS WITH MY ONE WARRIOR NATION
AGAINST A SEA FROM PARTS UNNNNNNKNOWN!!!

>To make new online fans? Come on...

Bisch <Warrior>: Come away with me, and watch Puff Daddy butcher
a perfectly good Led Zeppelin song.

>He never addressed the issue of
>talent leaving before, never. Why now?

Bret: Maybe because it was public and embarrassing and said talent
kicked his monkey ass?
Nash:  And why would Eric invite Warrior to WCW if he once said the
Warrior has no place in WCW?  Just to beat the WWF?  Come on....
Bisch: Oh, shut up....

>It reeks of desperation.

Mark <the Rock>: You smell what McMahon is cooking?

>He's scrambling terribly.

Bisch: Take away the first two letters of *scrambling* and voila!  Instant
Warriorspeak!

>Interview given 11/16/97...

Bisch: Chyna given breasts 12/25/97
Nash: Vince given slap on wrist 7/22/94
Mark: Warrior given the shaft 10/27/98
Bret: We can only hope.

>Question #1

Bisch: Is the interviewer from the previous interview giving this one too?
Nash: Maybe it's Casper the Friendly Ghost.
Mark: Maybe Warrior's passing off blatant propaganda as an interview.

>What exactly is the Warrior Philosophy in your own words?

Bret: Oh, come on!  That's like asking Dr. Thinker to explain himself
in his own words!
Bisch <Warrior>: Shake ropes, make money!
Nash <Warrior>: Use big words.  Sound cryptic.  Hope they
buy it.

>Answer - Philosophy, in and itself, is necessary to live your life.

Mark: So's water, and it's easier to swallow.
Bret: ....
Bisch: Now *THAT* was cryptic....

>It gives the reason to why you interpret the world how ever you do.

Bisch: If a tree fell on the Warrior and no one was around to hear it....what
color would the Warrior be?
Bret: All colors.
Bisch: <surprised> You've played Monkey Island?
Bret: Yeah, Owen brings his Lucasart games on the road with him all the time.
Bisch: Really?  Think I could borrow a copy of Sam and Max off him?
Bret: Maybe later.

>Warriorism is the living of life by realizing one is great by birth and
>this greatness is inherent in one's being as a human [life].

Mark: And here I thought Warriorism was buying the merchandise of a
crappy and overmarketed wrestler!
Bret: Ego, thy name is Warrior...
Bisch: Yes, following in the long standing tradition of the Oscarism and
the Thinkerism, the Warriorism takes it's honored place among them.
Nash: What's the difference?
Bisch: One makes no sense, one is senseless and one is nonsense.  Pick
and choose which one applies where...

>One who strives to live as a warrior,

Mark [dark]: ....dies as a warrior.
Bret: ....gets their own TV show like Xena and Hercules.
Nash: ....is destined to become a Jobber-To-The-Stars like Renegade?
Bisch: ....ends up with a goofy vampire gimmick like Gangrel?

>does so by utilizing this greatness - constantly developing the
>complete capabilities of it, both physically and mentally.

Mark: Although spiritually, it's pretty much screwed.
Bret: So where does the face paint and the screaming come in?
Nash: Next thing you know, Warrior will start bringing full size
mirrors into the ring and calling himself 'The Narcissist'....
Bisch: It was hard, but we drew the line there.

>Question #2

Mark: Didn't you once wrestle in an independent federation as the
Anabolic Steroid?

>What was your defining moment as a wrestler?

Bret <Warrior>: When Howard Finkel let me shine his bald
head at Wrestlemania IV... that's when I knew I had finally made it.

>Answer - The way this question is asked is very vague.

Nash <Warrior>: Who hired you, anyway?!

>First, I became - was an entertainer in the business of pro-wrestling.

Bisch: Apparently Warrior has completely transcended the need for
grammar now.

>I certainly never tried or needed to be a Bret Hart or Dean
>Malenko.

Bret: Oh?  And exactly what the hell's wrong with us, oh mighty lord
of the no-sell?
Mark <Warrior>: When I decided to become a wrestler,
*wrestling* was the last thing on my mind....
Nash: Geez, he really is like Hogan.

>So, if "wrestler", as asked here, is that specifically, I never really
>had any defining moments strictly as a "wrestler".

Bisch: Well, at least he's honest.
Bret <Warrior>: Being in Phil Collins' 'Two Hearts' video
was the only real highlight of my career....

>I didn't need to be.

Mark <Warrior>: Let's face it, people would pay good money just to
watch me pick my belly button lint!

>If I'd taken that route I would not have had the
>success I did.  Period.

Bret <Warrior>: Because I suck.  Period.
Bisch: We get the idea, Bret.  Have you gone off your medication?
Bret: Well, us puny technical wrestlers get a little bitter sometimes.
Nash <Warrior>: After all, I'm not Arn Anderson!
Bisch: Kevin....

>Most people don't recognize the Ultimate Warrior character was purpose
>driven. Ask anybody in the business who is an accomplished "wrestler"
>- a master of a thousand holds -

Mark: Dean Malenko!  Just SAY it!  DEAN MALENKO!!!
Bret: Warrior had this same problem mentioning Flair's name back
during his 'WCW vs. WWF' rant in Post 102.  I'm surprised he hasn't
just come out and said 'I hate all technical wrestlers and hope they burn
in hell for making me look like the talentless hack I am'.

>if they would rather be successful or be unsuccessful, yet known as a
>lexicon of wrestling moves.

Nash: Lexicon?  Is that a convention for Lex Luger Fans?
Mark: More like a mental ward.
Bisch: Isn't that like having an intense love of vanilla?
Bret [growling]: Yeah, Warrior, 'cause us puny technical wrestlers are
just fit to bore the crowd while you put your mascara on...

>They do what they have to do and that stems from what they know.

Nash: See, Bret, you should've taken 'Incoherent Ranting 101' back in
college.  Then you wouldn't have had the worthless loser career you did!
Bret <sardonic>: Why, thank you, Kevin.

>Who really knows more?

Bisch: The Shadow?
Mark: Joe?

>The answer depends on whether or not you get what you want out of
>what you are doing. I did.

Nash <Warrior>: Chicks, drugs, all the porn I could fit in my suitcase...
what more is there to life?
Bret and Bisch <singing>: You can't always get what you want....
Mark: And Warrior didn't even have to try to get what he needs!

>Nonetheless, what I believe you are asking - "What would be the
>highlight of my career...",

Nash <Warrior>: That is, if my superior Warrior mind can
attempt to interpret your pathetic attempt to ask me a question....
Bret: Oh, how I wish Stuttering John was doing this interview....

>I would say my match with Hulk Hogan @ Wrestlemania 6.

Mark <Jim Ross>: GOOD LORD!!!  WARRIOR!!!
WARRIOR!!! WARRIOR!!!  THE WARRIOR USED BBSPEAK!!!
HOW VILE!!!  HOW PUTRID!!!  MAH GOD!!!  THE CARNAGE!!!
THE CARNAGE!!!
Bisch <Tony Schiavone>: THIS IS TRULY SHAPING UP TO BE
THE BEST WARRIOR RANT *EVER*!!!
Nash: Quit that!
Bret <Warrior>: It was really all downhill from there...

>Question #3

Mark: Can somebody send out for some pizza?

>If you had to change something in your life, would you do it, and what
>would it be?

Bisch <Questioner>: If you were a color, what color would you be?
Nash: Shouldn't that be the other way around?
Bret: I'm beyond caring.

>Answer - The list is way too long.

Mark <Warrior>: Because, damn it, there's just so many things that need
changing....
Bisch: Oh, look!  It's so cute when Jim tries to fake modesty!

>I'm sure everyone has a long list of things they would like to change.

Nash: Hopefully, it includes their underwear.
Mark: WCW's ranking among the top ten, I'm sure....
Bret <singing>: I'm going through changes, I'm going through changes....

>Most of us would also like to make these changes with the knowledge we
>now have.

Mark: If only we knew then what we know now.... I would've killed Glenn
Jacobs the first time I saw him.
Bret: I would've kicked Shawn's ass the night of Survivor Series and
appeared on Nitro as the WWF champion the following Monday.  Then
I would've told the world *my* story....
Nash: I would've stayed in the WWF and been the backbone of DX....
Bret: But I thought Chyna was the backbone of DX.  And if you hadn't
jumped ship and started the nWo, would there have even been a DX?
Nash: Look, just let me have my dreams, pink boy.
Bischoff [growing quite pissed]: You're REALLY looking to get fired,
aren't you, Nash?

>I am the man I am today because of the life I have lived, mistakes and
>all.

Nash: You act like that's such a big accomplishment, Jim.
Mark: <Warrior> Imagine if I had been perfect!  I would have sucked the
bag!
Bret: The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering...
Bruce Lee.
Bisch: The key to humility is first living a lie worth regretting...
Anonymous.

>I'm proud of who I am,

Nash: Where I've been, on the other hand....

>but when I think back on some of the "not so well thought out" things
>I've done, I

Bret: ....burst into tears of shame and self loathing.
Mark: "Not so well thought out"?  Oh, you mean fuck ups!
Bisch: HEY!
Nash: Must be talking about his big comeback at Wrestlemania 12.
Damn, that was funny, in a 'flaming car wreck' sort of way.

>pull myself back to the moment.

Bret: <Warrior> ....when I polished the Fink's chrome dome, and then I
don't feel so bad....

>You can ruin your life by staying in the past

Nash: If you don't believe him, just look at "Rowdy" Roddy Piper.
Mark: Hell, look at pretty much the whole WCW roster.
Bret: I think that's *enough*, Mark...

>and before you realize it you have no future to work with. It's all
>gone thinking about the past. The past should stay the past.

Nash <singing>: They've been spending most their lives, living in a
pastime paradise....
Bisch: <Warrior> The future belongs to me, the past belongs to the rest!
[After the laughter in the theater dies down, they continue riffing]

>Issues from the past that bother someone to a degree which compromises
>their living today should be resolved. Then move on.

Bret: Bull!  I'll hate Vince McMahon's guts till the day I die!
Bischoff: You tell 'em, Bret!
Nash: Sounds good to me.  Eric, give me the WCW Heavyweight title
and I'll let bygones be bygones....
Bischoff: If I had a dollar for every time I heard *that*...

>Question #4

Mark: Any truth to the rumors that Jean Claude Van Damme kicked
your ass at a recent house show?
Nash: Nah, even the Warrior isn't THAT much of a pussy....

>Are you a religious man?

Bret: The guy has his own philosophy, his own language, and acts like
he's the messiah of wrestling... and you ask him if he's RELIGIOUS?!
Bisch <Warrior>: No.  I'm a religious woman.

>Answer - No, not in the way you mean the question.

Mark: <Warrior> Again, I must ponder as to why I bothered to spend
hard currency on someone who can't interview worth a damn....
Nash <Warrior>: After all, since *I'm* God, how could I possibly
worship me?

>I do believe in a higher power,

Bret <Warrior>: With my fame and paychecks, you have to believe....
Bisch <singing>: I believe in you and me....
Mark: For some reason, that phrase makes me picture Ultimate Warrior
Eternal. [shudders]

>a higher self, a creator of sorts.

Nash <Warrior>: The name escapes me though.... I think it starts with
a G....
Bret: Stan Lee!  It has to be Stan Lee!

>I believe, however or whatever name or face we give "it", "it" exists
>in us all.

Bisch: Unless you're a knight that says Ni....
All: Ni! Ni! Ni!
Mark: Wasn't 'It' a clown that killed people, anyway?
Nash: Yeah, but really, aren't we all?

>Religion, in the way it is asked here, is the greatest evil known to
>mankind.

Bret: So Mick Foley won't be having a nice day?
Mark: Funny, I always thought it was a 'no blading or hardcore' policy.
Nash:  Warrior, in the way he is questioned here, is the greatest evil
known to wrestling.
Bisch <Warrior>: The interviewer is evil!  EEEEEVIL!!!
Nash: But I'm still confused, guys.  So, if I understood Warrior right,
then... Jesus?
Bret: Evil.
Nash: Mother Teresa?
Mark: Evil.
Nash: Mahatma Gandhi?
Bisch: Sorry.  Evil.
Nash: Wow.  I'm wondering how I missed that...

>Sacrificing oneself, as most religions ask people to do,

Bret: ....kinda sucks.
Bisch: Yeah, I lose more golfing partners that way.
Mark <Warrior>: ...and how *dare* they ask *me* to put my own
well-being aside for the common good!

>totally contradicts the greatness of human life.

Nash [slyly]: After all, why sacrifice virgins to your god when *YOU* can
bring them to heaven...
Bisch: Kevin...
Bret: So the greatness of human life is just us sitting on our big fat butts
and consuming, right?
Mark: Pretty much.

>Which, for all intents and purposes, was created by the same "it".

Bisch: This "it" wouldn't be the same "it" from "A Wrinkle in Time",
would it?

>My question would be, "Why would an entity as great as the human life
>be created to do anything other than what it is designed to do - live
>life.

Mark: And my answer would be, "What the hell are you smoking and
where can I get some?"
Nash: So life itself is an entity?  This is getting way too deep for
me...
Bisch: I guess when you're human life, there's nothing else to do but
live.
Mark: It's not that life is too short.... it's that death is too long.
Bret: You got that from 'Life's Dulse Moments', admit it!
Mark: Okay, I did!  Sue me!  It still applies here....
Nash: Hey, does anybody here know what the hell this has to do with
modern organized religion?
Bisch: Nope.  Just smile and nod...

>Too many religions place "unearned guilt" on people for doing just
>that.

Bret: So remember, kids!  Friends don't let friends sacrifice themselves
to their gods!
Mark: So the only way to truly live life is to murder, steal, fornicate, and
covet thy neighbor's goods.  Sure, Jim.
Nash: Hey, there's a lot to be said for the fornicating part...

>Once one falls for it, there life becomes others. Doesn't seem right to
>me.

Mark <Warrior, whiny>: It's not faaaiiirr!!
Bisch: Huh?  What the hell does that mean?!
Bret: I think he means once you fall for not living your life and kill
yourself, then your life becomes the property of others and that's
wrong.
Bisch: Uh....okay.
Bret: Look, I'm not the one that makes this stuff up...
Mark: I think Warrior's due for a nice long vacation in a rubber
room.
Nash: So 'cult' and 'religion' mean pretty much the same thing to Jim, huh?

>Question #5
>If so, what faith do you follow?

Bisch: Should that question have been included with the previous one?
Bret: Are you familiar with the works of Frank Zappa and Ralph Balski?
Mark: Jim says one thing about his 'One Warrior Nation' and I go postal.
Nash: C'mon, Jim, you know you believe in the same thing I do...

>Answer - All my faith lies in one thing.

All <singing>: Money, Money, Money, Money, Money....

>I exist.

Bisch <Warrior>: Do you plebeians have any idea how *lucky* you are
to be on the same planet as *me*?

>I am alive and the greatness I have,

Bret <Warrior>: ....will be short-lived if the fans can't appreciate my
long winded, overblown speeches.
Mark <Warrior>: My greatness is so immense that my faith is ME!!!
Nash <Warrior, singing>: I don't want anybody else... when I think
about me, I touch myself!

>as do all others - everyone, emanates from that alone.

Bisch: So if I understand this right, and who could with that vague
explanation, we stay alive because of our greatness?
Bret: And here I thought it was that weird organ in my chest that pumps
blood through my body!  What a fool I've been!
Mark: That's odd, I don't *feel* like I'm emanating...

>To live I have to think - just to sustain myself,

All: [giggle loudly]
Nash [snickers]: No wonder people keep thinking the Warrior died....
Bisch: So Jim thinks he's a wrestling Descartes now.

>it's impossible for me to forgo thought.

All: [collapse into gales of laughter]
Bret <Warrior>: Food, on the other hand....
Mark: This has got to be some kind of parody... not even *Jim* could
say that with a straight face!

>Now, I make that choice.

Nash: You must choose.... but choose wisely.
Bisch <Jake "The Snake" Roberts>: Spin the wheel....Make the Deal....
Bret: NWO White or NWO Red.... which is the best choice for me?

>I also have the opportunity and make the choice to become even greater,

Nash <Warrior>: If such a thing is possible for one as great as I....
Bisch: Wow....Warrior sounds so much like Tatewaki Kuno, it's scary.
Bret <Warrior>: *I* am the Blue Thunder of World Championship
Wrestling!
Nash: Does that mean we have to 'date with him' if we job to him?
Bret [shudders]: I hope not.
Mark <Warrior>: Coke or Pepsi....Which choice will get me the most
money for endorsing them?

>as do all others, by applying effort into the acquisition of more
>knowledge so that I can better my life and the value of it.

Nash <Warrior>: I have become PURE THOUGHT!  I am *GOD* now!
Bisch: There is no knowledge that is not power....
Bret: Yeah, I can picture the Warrior rushing to the nearest library
after Monday Nitro.... provided that I've been drinking Nash's blue stuff.

>The sine qua non to this faith

[All giggle, a *lot*]
Mark: I see Jim thinks that he speaks Latin again...
Bisch: Yeah, and we've seen what kind of brilliant assumptions Jim
makes...

>is that whoever or whatever created the
>greatness of life would never have done so for me, the owner of it,

Nash <Warrior>: ... to go and waste it in the foolish, egotistical  way
that I have.

>to do anything other than utilize it's given tools, both physically and
>mentally, to their fullest capabilities.

Bret: But spiritually, though, it's emptier than Tony Schiavone's
commentary.

>Question #6

Mark [raises his hand]: Will this be on the test?

>Which figure in history do you see as being someone you can really look
>up to?

Bisch: Bill Gates!
Bret: Arn Anderson!
Mark: Mother Teresa!
Nash: Sam and Max, Freelance Police!
Bret: Kevin, they're cartoons!
Nash: So?  I still look up to them!  Who do you look up to? The Care Bears?
Bret: [sighs]

>Answer - Within the context of what "history" represents,

Bisch: Ummmm... now, I'm guessing here... but events of the past, maybe?
Mark: Either that, or a lot of boring high school classes.

>I would say the men who signed the Declaration of Independence.

Nash <Warrior>: For if it wasn't for that declaration, I would have been
forced to job to the British Bulldog and Chris Adams over and over
again...
Bret: Much like everyone else is doing for Bill Goldberg now.

>Most people do not realize the balls that took -the sacrifices made.

Bisch <Shiwan Khan>: SACRIFICE YOURSELF.... TO ME....
Mark <Warrior>: I know I certainly don't!

>Consequently, today we all reap the rewards of it,

Nash: Walk into the middle of a New York slum and say that to the
welfare mothers, Jim.

>or rather have the
>unalienable right of the opportunity to pursue it.

Bret: Pursue what?  Does the Warrior even know what the Declaration of
Independence stands for?
Bisch: Uh....what exactly *does* it stand for, again?
Mark: It was a declaration from the representatives of the original
thirteen colonies formally announcing their intention to be independent
of Great Britain and listing the reasons for this action.  It was also a
statement of the political philosophies of the Founding Fathers.
Bisch: So if we already have our independence from Britain, what exactly
are we supposed to pursue?
Mark: The survivors?  How the hell should I know?!?

>In today's world, my answer would be anyone with the true
>entrepreneurial spirit.

Nash: My answer is vast quantities of liquor and sex, and I bet I'll die
happier than you will!
Bret [sniffs the air]: Hmm... smells like Nirvana.
Mark <Flashman>: May the spirit preserve you!

>People who take what the rules of America has to offer and make the
>most of it.

Nash: The right to carry overly lethal firearms loaded with armor
piercing bullets and the right to use them in self defense with reckless
abandonment!
Bisch: And for hunting purposes, too!  It's impossible to peg those deer
without a semi-automatic!
Mark <singing>: You're under 18 so you won't be doing time!
Bisch <singing>: When I show my piece, complaints cease!
Bret [shaking his head]:  And people wonder why I prefer Canada...

>Question #7

Nash: Sex is the question, no is the answer.

>Which decade was wrestling the best, quality wise?

Mark: So tell me, Mr. Blind Man, what color is the sky?

>Answer - Once again, if your question is "wrestling" specific,

Bisch: Oh, for the love of... if you hate the way the interviewer asks the
questions, then FIRE HIS ASS ALREADY!!!
Bret [snickers]: This has to be a fake interview.  Who in their right
mind would ask the *WARRIOR* about the quality of wrestling
throughout the decades?
Nash: Mean Gene?
Bret: Well, that's possible...

>it would be the days before we came to know sports entertainment.

Bisch: The NWA?
Mark: The WWWF?
Nash: The GLOW?

>If it's sports entertainment, then indubitably and without question the
>80's -

Bret: No argument there... for the most part.
Nash: Bret, tell me somethin'... how is 'sports entertainment' different
than 'wrestling'?
Bret: Well, Kevin, wrestling is what I do, and 'sports entertainment' is
what you do.
Nash: Oh... what the hell does that mean?
Bret: You'll understand when you're older.

>early nineties.

Bisch: Oh yeah, WCW reached it's peak in the early nineties, all right...
Mark: Does the name *Black Scorpion* ring a bell?
Nash: Don't forget the WWF!  They had Sgt. Slaughter turn into an Iraqi
sympathizer and Warrior actually had to job to him after winning the
title less than a year before!
Bret: Not to mention when Warrior vomited on an episode of WWF
Superstars, thanks to a voodoo curse by Papa Shango....
Mark: Ah, such fond memories....

>The reasons are endless and the list doesn't start and end with my
>character, The Ultimate Warrior.

Bret: Which is good, considering the Warrior's wrestling career didn't
really take off until 1989 and had fizzled out by 1992.
Bisch: Oh, Jim... you've got all the modesty of one of Gonterman's avatars.

>Hogan and Titan made Sports Entertainment.

Bret: And if there's any justice in the cosmos, they'll burn in hell for it.
Nash <solemn>: The weed of Bollea bears bitter fruit...

>Question #8

Bisch: Where do babies come from?
Mark: In your case, the orphanage.
Bisch: Oh, well I always....HEY!

>What is your Fitness Goal?

Bret <Warrior>: To cover myself with talcum powder and use a fan to
blow, blow, blow the weight away just like Playboy Buddy Rose!

>Answer - This is a good question.

Mark <Warrior>: About fucking time too!
Bisch: Mark, c'mon!
Mark: When were we on a first name basis, little man?

>Many would think it would be to constantly become bigger and more
>muscular, always striving for more muscle mass.

Bret: IDIOTS!  Why would a wrestler want muscle?
Nash <Warrior>: But then I stopped using steroids and I shrunk like
Val Venis in ice water...

>Growl, growl, growl....

Bret: Here we have the lighthearted, playful side of the Warrior...
Bisch: Isn't that cute?  He's trying to communicate with us...
Mark <singing>: Growltiger was a bravo cat who traveled on a barge...
Nash [shakes his head]: Between this and his obsession with Ed Leslie,
I'm really begin to wonder about Jim...

>I can see why people think that and I'll always be musclehead at heart,

Bret <Warrior>: ....and 'Justice' to my bodybuilding buds!

>Howbeit, I'd really like to lose some muscle-size to do other
>fitness-related activities.

Nash: IfyaknowwhatImean!
Bisch: Kevin...
Mark: Well, I see someone found out that so many 'roids make your
neck immobile.
Bret: Oh, like Scott Steiner.

>However, over the last couple of years, any inclination that I may go
>back out in the ring has kept me on my toes with weight training,
>preventing me from pursuing [entirely] other fitness activities.

Nash: I wonder how many reps he did after Warrior University bombed....
Bisch: "Other fitness activities..."  Like what, high-impact golf?

>I always stay at about 85%.

Mark: If you're talking about workrate, buddy, you need to stick to the
one-digit numbers.

>At that level, I can become 100% with
>4-5 weeks.

Nash: But when it comes to ego, he always gives 110%!
Bret: He may suck as a wrestler, but no one can deny that Warrior is the
Lemmings champion of the world!

>Staying in wrestling - "Ultimate Warrior" - shape

Bisch: I spy with my little eye a nine letter word that makes that sentence
completely laughable!

>is a full-time job when you consider the regular eating habits

Nash: ....keep dying hard.
Mark <Warrior>: So I went to WCW instead and now I have them eating
out of my hand!

>and the mental foke it takes to get there and maintain it.

Nash: Foke?  Is that Warriorspeak or a Warriorism?
Bisch: Sounds more like an Oscar-ism.
Bret: Yeah it takes intense mental *foke* to get *frogned* in this
crazy, mixed up world...
Nash: Maybe it's some kinda psionic power.
Mark: We're just as confused as you are, *fokes*....

>Fitness for me in general is about increasing the quality of my life.

Bisch <Warrior>: ...not to mention the size of my wallet from the video
profits.
Mark: If fitness be the lute of life, play on!
Bret <Warrior>: To hell with spirituality and helping others!  I need
BIGGER PECS to be truly happy!

>Exercise is a necessity to insure that.

Nash: MY GOD!  That's a connection between exercise and fitness?
I... I never knew...

>I'm a huge enthusiast of exercise and it's benefits.

Bret: That's nice....NOW HOW ABOUT LEARNING TO WRESTLE
LIKE US LOWLY TECHNICAL WRESTLERS WHO ACTUALLY
HAVE TO WORK OUR ASSES OFF FOR OUR SALARIES, YOU
NO-TALENT, NO-SELLING, PIECE OF....
Bisch: Easy, Bret....

>Question #9

Mark: How many more questions are there?
Nash: Personally, I'm ready to start cryin' 96 tears....
All: [hum a few bars of '96 Tears']
Nash: This song a favorite of yours, pink boy?
Bret: Bite me.

>What was the greatest amount of pounds that you have lifted at once?

Mark <Warrior>: None!  They all had to carry *me* to a great match!
Bisch: Wow, that reads a lot better than saying "What's the most weight
you've ever lifted?"

>Answer - Years ago,

Nash <Warrior>: ....when I was a young boy, my master sent me on a
mission to save the world from the ultimate evil.  I journeyed all over
the earth, fighting and defeating many an enemy and gaining fame and
fortune beyond imagination.  Still I searched endlessly for the ultimate
evil.  Then, one day, I stumbled upon a mythological being known as
Mantor.  He showed me a mirror and when I gazed into it, I has finally
found the ultimate evil....and it was me.
[Everyone stares at Nash]
Nash: What?
Bret: I'd lay off the fantasy novels for a while, Kevin....

>I lifted some respectable poundages.

Mark <Steven Wright>: What's another word for Thesaurus?
Bret: Jim should know, since he OWNS ONE...
Bisch: Oh, *NOW* the Warrior decides to be humble... I feel sick.

>I regularly did press behind the head, sitting down, with over 300 lbs.

Nash <Warrior>: ....in the back of a Volkswagen, staring at the radio,
listening to Hanson, bitching about teenyboppers....
Mark <Warrior>: When I could get the President and the UN off my
back... geez, promise a solution for world hunger and they just won't
leave you alone...

>I've benched pressed 500 pds. I've deadlifted 700 pds. and squatted 600
>pds....years ago.

Bisch <Warrior>: But nowadays I need help opening a jar of olives...

>Overall, using heavy weights was counterproductive to what I needed to
>accomplish with my wrestling career.

Bret [laughs]: Oh, you think so?  Yeah, not being able to move in the
ring is a *slight* problem..
Mark <Warrior>: So I did what many have done before me and attached
my lips firmly against Hogan's ass.

>I've always been into full movements to work the complete range of the
>muscle, so as to prevent injury.

Nash <Warrior>: After all, my bowels need tender loving care....
Bisch: Considering all the rants he's been doing lately, I'd say he's been
working the complete range of his mouth....
Bret: But at no point in time has he disturbed those pampered little brain
cells of his.

>Question #10

Bisch: If I had a hammer, would I hammer in the morning?  Would I
hammer in the evening?  All over this land?
Mark: If I had a hammer, I'd bash your skull in.
Bret: Easy, Mark, it's almost over....

>Could you tell me more about your current life and business.

Bisch: Oh yes, please!  Feel free to tell us even MORE stuff about you
we never wanted to know!
Nash: We care just so damned much, Jim...

>Answer - It's a great question

Mark <Warrior>: My interviewer... I think I'll keep him!
Bret: No, it's not!  Now, "What the hell is wrong with Howard Mackie?"
or "What's that stuff they put in hot and sour soup?" ... *those* are great
questions!

>and the myriad answers are long in length.

Bisch: Like I said, the man is honest!
Nash: Next time, on 'Interviews with the Warrior'....

>Instead of going into Project Warrior here,

All: THANK YOU!!

>I'd suggest, if it's OK
>with you, people check out Warrior Web @ www.ultimatewarrior.com

Mark: Producing quality rants since 1997.
Bret <interviewer>: Well why didn't you say that in the first place?!
Geez, all this time wasted listening to you criticize the way I ask my
questions....I'm leaving!  I'm outta here!
Bisch: Whew, thank goodness that's over with.
Nash <Hunter Hearst Helmsley>: And Warrior, on behalf of the SON,
we've got *two words* for you....
[All stand]
All [accompanied by unanimous crotch chops]: ... FOKE IT!!!
Bret: Now, let's get outta here....

*       *       *

SON - REC ROOM

     Eric finally finished making the proper connections to the back of the
television set just as Bret made it back from inputting the program.  Nash
and Mark broke off their heated game of foozball as they sensed the festivities
where about to begin.

     "Did you get it all in?"  Mark asked.

     "Yeah, yeah... setting up a program to run without any interaction was
actually a lot *harder* than setting up a regular one," Bret replied as he
dropped heavily onto the rec room's overstuffed couch.

     "But... you put it in the just the way we talked about, right?" Nash
continued, hopefully.

     "I *think* so... anyway, it won't matter unless Eric hooks the feed into
the TV.  Otherwise, the only was we can watch it is to be a part of it."

     "Don't blame this on *me*, Bretski, I just got my part of the bargain
done," Bisch replied with a fantastic smirk on his face as he emerged from
behind the TV.

     "It's time?"  Nash asked, sounding much like a small child who was
ready to go to an amusement park.  In fact, he was bouncing with enthusiasm
the way little kids did, which was a slightly disturbing sight.

     "If pink boy didn't screw up," Bisch grinned at Bret as he took a seat on
the couch as well.

     "We'll see," was the Canadian's confident reply.

     Mark took his own customary seat, reflexively grabbing the remote.
"Well... if this does work, I can honestly say it'll be the only time I'll ever
be glad to see those two idiots again."

     Nash hopped onto the couch last, having poured himself a glass of
his mysterious blue liquor, known only as Nash-ohol. The problem with
calling it 'blue stuff' was that it had inspired a nasty prank involving Aqua
Velva on Mark's part that had nearly resulted in Nash needing a stomach
pump.

     However, Nash could now confidently take a swig of his favorite
liquor and gesture to Mark.  "Well, go on!  You know our break isn't
that long."

     "Right," Mark replied, his face cracking into his most wicked and
frightening grin.  "It's showtime."  Mark hit the 'power' button on the
remote, which made the TV's big screen glow into life.  Oddly enough,
instead of a broadcast signal, it was showing a feed from...

... THE HOLOCABANA

        Howard Finkle stood at the center of a WWF ring and waited
patiently for the spotlight to illuminate him before speaking into the
microphone.

        "And now, ladies and gentlemen...."  Howard paused a moment
as the arena crowd suddenly came to life, cheering wildly.  "Making his
return to the World Wrestling Federation...."  Howard paused again to
take a deep breath and then forced extra enthusiasm into his voice as he
proclaimed.

        "THE ONE....THE ONLY....BROTHER LOVE!!!"

        The first few notes and gospel chorus of the Brother Love Theme
Song rang over the speakers, as familiar to WWF fans as the sound of
chalk being scraped across a blackboard.  The cheers immediately became
boos as Brother Love stepped through the curtain.  He was dressed in his
usual ensemble: a white suit with a red undershirt.  Red suspenders
struggled to hold up his pants, and his shoes were clearly refugees from a
golf course.  His hair was slicked back and his face was even redder than
his shirt as he smiled towards the roaring crowd, revealing a pair of pearly
white teeth.

        As he made his way towards the ring, the arena lights slowly
came up, revealing the ring, which was covered by red carpeting.  Howard
Finkle suddenly vanished from the ring to be replaced by a white podium
with a microphone built into it.  Brother Love stepped between the ropes and
walked over to the podium to take the microphone in his hand.  He gave
another bright smile to the crowd and adjusted his red-framed glasses for
a moment before raising the mike to his lips.

        "IIIIIIIIII......LUVVVVVVVV......YEWWWWWWWWW!!!"

        The crowd booed loudly in response.  Brother Love didn't
seem to notice as he began strutting around in the ring.  "It's a pleasure
to be back in the WWF to once again spread the word of LUV."  The
boos of the crowd were deafening but the smile never left the preacher's
face as he continued his sermon.

        "Yes....and it's an even greater pleasure to present my special
guest for this evening.  The same man that *supposedly* ended my
career here fourscore and seven years ago.  Brothers and Sisters, I give
yew, The Ultimate Warrior!"

        A cloud of mist suddenly filled the ring and when it cleared,
the Warrior was sitting in a chair, near one of the corners of the ring.
Warrior tried to stand up only to find himself shackled firmly to the
chair with chains.  In fact, he was unable to move a muscle, much to his
growing dismay.  Then he noticed Brother Love and his face became a
mask of fear and horror.

        "Yes...."  Brother Love remarked happily as he walked towards
the helpless Warrior.   "Tonight's interview is going to be very special
for Brother Warrior.  For yew see, Brother Warrior seems to feel that his
previous interviewers were unworthy to ask him questions.  Brother
Warrior seems to feel that the questions were vague and that he didn't
have a fair chance to explain himself.  Well, Brother Love is going to
give yew that chance right now."  Brother Love said as he held the mike
up to the Warrior.

        "My Warriors are...."  The Warrior began.

        Only to have the mike suddenly pulled away from his face and
back in front of Brother Love.  "Not so fast now, I haven't even asked
yew a question yet."  Brother Love admonished him.  "Now, isn't it true
that Brother Bischoff paid yew a lot of money in order to give the WCW
some much needed ratings for Monday Nitro?"  He stuck the mike back
in Warrior's face.

        "Well yes, but...."  The Warrior tried to explain.

        Brother Love pulled the mike away again.  "Yes, I'm sure that
is true and isn't it also true that Brother Warrior has FAILED to live up
to his hype because his speeches are long, boring and pointless?  Not to
mention his parlor tricks echo the *magic* of a certain Brother Black
Scorpion from the past?"

        "That's not true!  My speeches are....!"

        "....long, boring and pointless.  Yes.  We've already established
that,"  Brother Love finished for him as he sneered at the helpless Warrior.
"Now, let me ask yew another question.  Are you bitter about the fact that
even Brother *Socko* gets a bigger crowd reaction than yew do?"

        The Warrior's face was a mask of fury, his arms straining
unsuccessfully to break free of his bonds, snarling and gritting his teeth
as Brother Love pulled the mike away yet another time.  "Now, we all
know that yew have a godhood complex and that you're a bit of a nutcase.
We also know that yew can't sell or execute a wrestling move to save
your life and yew suck up to Hogan to maintain your main event status."
The Warrior's eyes were turning red as the preacher turned his back to him
and walked the length of the ring as if contemplating something.  Then he
turned to face Warrior and remarked.

        "How long do yew figure it'll take for yew to job to Brother Goldberg?"

        With a screech of pure rage, the Warrior broke free of the chair
and got to his feet, immediately charging towards Brother Love as he did
so.  Suddenly Brother Love leapt forward with incredible speed and
speared the Warrior out of his boots.  The crowd exploded with cheers
as Brother Love bounced off the ropes and clotheslined the Warrior down
three times before lifting him up in a Gorilla Press.

        "Did I mention that IIIIIIII luvvvvvvv yewwwwwww?"  Brother
Love asked innocently as he dropped the Warrior on his face and bounced
off the ropes again for a big splash.  He didn't bother to cover the Warrior
though, instead he was content to stand over him and smile to the deafening
cheers of the crowd while proclaiming his love for them all....

... REC ROOM

     The couch was completely vacated.

     Of course, this was to be expected, since all three wrestlers and the
promoter were rolling helplessly on the ground in laughter.  Bret wiped a
few tears from his eyes, and began to make what would've no doubt been a
profound and witty comment about what they just witnessed.  But he never
made it past the first few syllables, simply breaking down into more
incoherent laughter.

     "Brother... Love..." Nash managed to get out before he had to set his
drink down again to keep from spilling it.

     Mark was, predictably, the first to begin composing himself.  "Really,
really, beautiful work there.  We'll have to start doing this with the
Holocabana more often."

     Bischoff nodded as he tried to pull himself up off the floor.  "Oh, yeah!
I mean, we could stick *anybody* in there with Brother Love."

     Bret grinned maniacally as he thought about that.  "Like Vince..."

     But, it was actually Nash's eyes that suddenly opened wide as a stray
bolt of inspiration hit him.   "... or HOGAN!"

     Bischoff would have attempted to say a few words in protest, but he
knew better than to argue with the three beatific smiles that dawned on
the wrestlers' faces.  "Bret, how quickly can you program the Holocabana?"
Mark asked urgently.

     "Well, I..." Bret began before he was cut off by the buzzers and klaxons
that signaled *that* time.  "... look, we can do it later, but now... WE'VE
GOT POST SIIIIIIGN!!"

*       *       *

[All re-enter the theater and take their usual seats.]

Bisch: Great, we don't even know what this one is.  I don't like this...
Voice of Vince [over the PA]: As well you shouldn't!  This is a nugget of
joy that you'll *never* forget... and I don't mean Owen Hart!
Bret: HEY!  Leave him out of this!
Nash: C'mon, guys, I think this one's gonna be rough...

>3:16 RULZS!!!!!!!!!!
>by Oracle

Nash: Oh wise and powerful Oracle, what is the divine purpose of this
fanfic?
Bret <Oracle>: To prove that the more exclamation points you use, the
more effective the message!!!!!!!!!
Bisch: '3:16'? Great.  A damned Austin-worshipping post.
Mark: Oooh, is *someone* bitter?

>All right reserve or I kick some asss!

Bret: All right are reserve Callahan!
Nash <Dirty Harry>: Oh yeah?  What about the right of that little girl?
Mark [cracking knuckles]: What about lefts, then?

>round 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Bischoff winces and covers his ears]
Bret: How loud could it be?  It isn't even capitalized....

>vince stands in the ring with a snug expresion on face

Bisch: Snug as a bug in a rug!
Others: Awwww...
Nash: Hey, it*would* be pretty creepy if it got loose and fell off.

>and mircophone in hand.  he speak.

Bret: Oh, it's another episode of RAW....
Bischoff: Hah!  The same stupid segment week after week!  It won't
be much longer before we reclaim our dominance in the ratings!
Mark: Oh yeah, WCW's Hogan's segments are REALLY fresh and
innovative.
Nash: But not as much as 'nWo Nightcap'.
Bischoff: Oh, bite me!
Bret: And 'mircophone'... it sounds like something from 'Santa Claus
conquers the Martians.'
Mark: Droppo!  We have an incoming call from Giznop on the
mircophone!

>HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHA!!!!  HEELLO  EVERYBODY!!!

Bret: Oh no!  It's Principal Kuno!  He's gonna start giving all the
wrestlers stupid haircuts!
Nash: Either that or Vince has finally cracked under the pressure.
Bisch: Good.

>I'M VINCE MC MAN....

Mark <Vince>: I'm available for school dances and wedding
receptions.
Bret: Yeah, I'd like to have a McMan combo, please.  And could you
Super-size that?

>THE BIG GUY AT WWF,

Nash: Kurrgan?
Mark: Giant Silva?
Bisch: Max Mini?
[Bret sighs]

>HELL I OWN THE OWN FUCKING THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!

Bisch [shocked]: ORACLE! *Language*!
Nash: I thought McMahon's wife owned the WWF?
Mark: Nitpick, nitpick, nitpick....
Bret <Vince>: I LOVE TO LAUGH!!!  HAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHA!!!!
LONG AND LOUD AND CLEAR!!!!!!! AND DID I MENTION *LOUD*!!!!!!!

>NOW TO INTRO MY GAY LOVE.....I MEAN MY GAY FRIEND....

Bisch: What, Patterson is coming out?
Nash: Good one!
Mark: Ten bucks says Big Gay Al is joining the Freakshow.
Bret <singing>: We're all ugly and we're happy too!

>HE'S PATT PATTERSON!!!!!  YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bisch: Um... that was supposed to be a joke...
Mark: Thirteen lines in and we're already to the gay bashing!  This will be
*fun*!
Nash [dramatic]: Vince McMahon *IS* Kermit the Frog!

>patterson walk to ring.   he take mike and speak.

Bret: He hug it.  Kiss it.  Call it George.
Bisch: Then, house explode.

>LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAADDDDIESSSS

Mark: That's the worst Val Venis impression I've ever heard.
Nash: And what would Patterson even want with a woman, anyway?

>AND HANDSOME MAN EVERYWHERE!!!!  I AM PATT!

Nash: *That's* more like it!
All: [Hum the Pat theme from SNL]
Bret: It's just Pat!

>NOW LET;S GET DOWN TO THE RING!!!

Bisch <Sean Mooney>: That's my line!
Mark <singing>: Gotta get down... gotta get funky...
Bret: Not with Patterson!  Ew!

>OUR FIST MATCH

All: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Bisch <shudders>: Now THERE'S a gimmick match I never want to see...
Nash: Unless it was Sable and Jacquelyn...  Ooh, and throw in the Nitro
girls and that Marta chick and Sa-
Bret: 'Sunny'.  I know you were going to say Sunny.  Because if you say
something *else*, I'll be forced to rip your spine out and strangle you with it.
Nash: Er, yeah.  Sunny.

>IS HACKSAW DUGGEN VS. STEVE AUSTIN 3:16!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark: Yeah, that's a fist match I'd *really* hate to see...
Nash: You just ruined a perfectly good fantasy.
Bret: Hacksaw?  I thought this was WWF action!
Bisch: Maybe this match takes place during the "Stunning" Steve Austin era.
Bret: Oh, it's the rematch from Fall Brawl 94!

>LETTTTTTTTTTTTT'S GET REDY TO
>RUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

All: ....BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Mark <Michael Buffer>: LLLLLLLLLLLLET'S GET READY TO SUE
ORACLE'S SORRY ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

>vince boinked patt on the head.

Nash: Ew!  Right out there in public?!  Isn't that taking 'adult-oriented' a
bit far, Vince?!
Bisch [sounding ill]: Kevin, *no*...

>SHUT UP YOU GAY IDOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WATCH
>THE MATCH INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark: Oh yeah.....This puts Chris Hyatte's Patterson jokes to shame, all right.
Bret <Pat>: How can I watch the match when IT HASN'T EVEN STARTED?!
Nash <Pat>: Men clad only in trunks sweating and grunting and grappling
with each other? And this is for free?  Cool!

>hacksaw walk to ring.  he yells loudly at fans  HHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Bisch: Somebody call the Godfather, quick!
All <fans>: USA!! USA!! USA!!
Bret: Who cares if they're both American?  It's fun, dammit!

>glass breks and AUSTIN walks to the ring!!!!  YYYYYYYYYYEAH!!!! 3:16
>RULES!!!!!!!! 3:16 RULES!!!!!!!  3:16 RULES!!!!!!!!!

Bisch [rolling eyes]: *Geez*.  Did Jim Ross write this fic or what?
Nash <Jim Ross>: MAH GOD!  IT'S AUSTIN!  THE RATTLESNAKE!

>AUSTIN walk to ring

Bret <Rocket J. Squirrel>: Again?!
Mark: Walk faster, Austin!  Even Roddy Piper can hobble to the ring in less
time!

>and gives hacksaw the finger!

Bisch: ....distracting Hacksaw long enough to shove his thumb in his eye!
Nash <Bobby Heenan>: Make sure you hit the good eye or it's a wasted move!
Bret: Already down to nine... tonight's gonna be rough on Steve.

>YEAH!!!!!  KICK HIS ASS,AUSTIN!!!!!

Mark <Oracle>: Oops, sorry.  Got a little carried away there.
Bisch: Methinks a squash match is on the horizon....
Nash: *Methinks?* What are you, Irish?
Bisch: As Irish as Ken Shamrock.

>hacksaw say HHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! util AUSTIN
>kicks his nads!!!!!!!

Nash: And from that day on, Hacksaw went OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Bret: Tonight the role of Steve Austin will be played by Eric Cartman.

>Tjhen AUSTIN kick him again and again and again!!!!!!!!

Mark <Bobby Heenan>: Remember the plan, Austin. Go back to your roots.
Give him some good Greco-Roman kicking!
Bisch: Austin perfected his ass kicking technique during a brief stint with
the Rockettes....

>Then AUSTIN smack him on the butt.

Nash: Man, I bet Patterson is paying *Vince* to let him watch this!
Bisch: Urgh... Kevin, dammit...
Bret: Because Austin's kicking his ass.  Get it?
Mark: Oracle made a funny!
Nash: Austin's laying the smack down.

>Then AUSTIN kills him.

Bisch: Just like that, huh?
Bret: Hey Austin!  I've got a cold one for ya if you kill Oracle next!
Nash: But little did Austin know that Hacksaw would rise from the dead
one day and return to make his life a living hell.
Bisch: You mean....
Nash: Yes....Hacksaw Jim Duggan will become Kane and the Undertaker's UNCLE!!
Mark [chuckles]: Yeah, right....

>DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!!  vince scramed pissed as he
>punch patt into the blechers.

Bret <Vince>: SHORYUKEN!
Bisch: Wow, only one match and already the audience is puking all over the
place....
Nash: Papa Shango must be lurking around the arena.
Mark: It can't be all that bad.  After all, WCW Nitro's put on a lot worse than
that.
Bisch: HEY!
Mark: Please.  Just try to justify Norman Smiley.
Bisch: Well, he's... um... HEY!

>NEXT MATCH DAMMIT!!!!  vince scream!!!!!!!!!

Bret: Vince doesn't really scream, he barks.
Nash: Eric, on the other hand....
Bisch: That's it!  Nash, you're jobbing to Norman Smiley next week! *That's* my
justification!
Nash [growls]: Thanks a lot, dead man.
Mark [smiles]: Don't mention it.

>yokoznuna waddles down to ring.

Bret <giggles>: That he does.

>as he enter ring he lift leg and farts real smeely.  OOPSY!!!!! THAT ME!!!!
>yoko screech

All: [shudder violently]
Bisch: Boy, if the crowd wasn't puking their guts out before....
Nash: They'll have to fumigate the arena and spray tomato juice with a hose
all over the fans.....
Bret <singing>: Don't blame it on Yokey!
Mark [sighs]: All right, I'm betting Oracle is roughly thirteen.
Bisch: Or Dr. Thinker's evil, potty-mouthed twin brother.
Nash: Oracle, a.k.a. Dr. Stinker!

>AUsTIN near pass out but he toughest SOB IN IN THE WWF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nash <Austin>: I've had Yoko's ass crushed against my face  in the Summerslam 96
Free for All match so I've been to hell and back and I'm still gonna whip his
ass! AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE CAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!!!
Bret: Well, he managed to survive the whole 'Ringmaster' gimmick... hell, I bet
he *could* survive anything.

>AUSTIN ready to kick ass and chew bubbles and ass hard to chew!!!!!!!
>HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!

All [facefault]
Mark: Somebody shoot me.  Please.
Nash: What good would that do?
Mark: Well, it would give me something less painful to think about...
Bret [shaking his head]: The only butt of the joke around here is Oracle.
Bisch: I love this!  This is the greatest smear campaign on Austin I've ever
seen!

>(note: if you saw they live with roody piper you will get that joke)

Nash: If you saw "They Live", you'll realize how badly Oracle butchered that
joke.
Mark: Not to mention wasting two irreplaceable hours of your life.

>AUSTIN ready to fight.

All <singing>: For your right!  To PARRRRRRRRRRRTY!!!

>yoko with a big leg.

Bret: Does he have any other kind?

>AUSTIN laughs and rips leg out.

Mark: Of *course* he did.
Nash: Whoa!  Austin!  We believe you're the toughest S.O.B!  You don't have to
rip your own leg off to prove it!
Bisch: Austin took the cost of his operation too literally.

>beats yoko with his leg.

Bret: [begins laughing]
Mark: What?
Bret: I just pictured Austin beating Yokozuna over the head with his own leg and
it was damn funny!
Mark: You're a strange little Canadian, Bret.
Nash <Austin>: It's only a goddamn flesh wound!  I'm gettin' better!

>yoko scream for help!!!!!!

Bisch <Yokozuna>: I've fallen and I can't....
Mark: Skip it, Eric.
Bret: Well, if *I* was in this fanfic, I'd be screaming for help, too.
Mark: Just as lame.
Nash: What, did somebody put salt in your embalming fluid or something this
morning?

>HAHAHAAH say AUSTIN you ass is mine!!!!!

Bisch: Who the hell is HAHAHAAH and why is he ripping off Shang Tsung's lines?
Bret: Well, I guess the ass is a much more valuable commodity than the soul....
Nash [grinning broadly]: Pink boy!  You finally *understand*!
Bret [sighs]

>yoko tries to get up on his other leg, hopping up and down.

All: [shudder violently again]
Bisch: Yet another mental image that I never wanted to experience.
Mark: Yeah really....all that flab jiggling around....flabby breasts
bouncing....
Bisch: Shut up! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!
[Mark quietly laughs to himself]

>AUSTIN laughs at how stupid yoko look.

Nash: Kevin laughs at how stupid Oracle write.

>yoko still hoping, starts to cry.

Bret <singing>: Be my.... Be my.... Be my.... Be my.... Be my Yokozuna....
Bisch <Yokozuna>: Please god!  Let this fic end! Please! Please! Please!
Mark [sighs]: There's nothing more sad than a shattered hope.

>AUSTIN kicks yoko ass and stoomp a mudhole in his ass and laugh at his ass.

Nash: What an asshole.
Bisch: *Language*, Kevin?
Bret <Road Dog>: Yoko's ass better call somebodyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
Bisch: Tonight, the part of Steve Austin will also be played by Dusty Rhodes.
Bret: You know Austin, constantly repeating the word "ass" isn't necessarily
going to make you a tougher guy...
Mark: Hey, it's better than being bleeped every time you say it on TBS!

>SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
>SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
>SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
>SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  vince screech.

Nash: There goes any chance of this getting a PG-13 rating....
Bisch: For once in my life, I have to agree with Vince.  This fanfic is shit.
Bret: That reminds me... the chimichangas we had for lunch aren't sitting too
well...

>NEXT MATCH!!!!!!  send someone that doent SUCK!!!!

Mark: Rocky?

>mankind walk to ring.  he pull out hair and screech.

Bret: All right!  A Foley match!  This ought to be good!
Nash: Provided this fic doesn't have a no blading/hardcore policy like
SOME organizations I know....
Bisch: La-la-la-la-la!  I'm not listening to you!  La-la-la-la-la!

>HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!   THIS IS A HELL IN THE CELL MATCH!!!!!
>HAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!!  vince laugh.

Bret: OH!  So THAT's what  *HAHAHA* means!  Thanks for clearing that up, Oracle!
Nash <Jim Ross>: Looks like business is about to pick up!

>as cell lowers mankind grab chair from ring and get in ring and the bell ring.

Bisch <Singing>: Ring! ring! ring! Went the Foley!  Ding! Ding! Ding! Went the
bell!
[All stare at him]
Bisch: Sorry, the pressure's getting to me....
Mark: Foley got a chair from the ring?  Look, there's such a thing as a seat
that's *too* close to the action...

>he hit AUSTIN with chair.  AUSTIN fall down.

Nash: Austin go boom.
Bret: Boy, this beats the hell out of ECW, huh?
Bisch: This also backs up the well-known wrestling fact that only being hit with
a title belt is more deadly than being brained with a folding chair.

>AUSTIN gets back up.  AUSTIN kick mankind in nads repeat.

All: AUSTIN KICK MANKIND IN NADS!
Mark: Directions: Get up, kick in nads, repeat.
Nash: Hmmm... I'm sensing a definite pattern in Austin's fighting style.
Bret: Well, it *is* an effective move...

>madkind uses madandable claw on AUSTIN.

Bisch: <Mankind>: Get my fingers out of your mouth!!!

 >AUSTIN fights to get out of it.  the crowd goes wild!!!!!!!!

All <bland>: Yay....
Nash <chanting>: Sssssock-o.....Sssssock-o.....Sssssock-o....
Bisch: NASH....

>then with strength, AUSTIN breaks free!!!!!!!!!!!! YESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark <Oracle>: Oops, sorry again.  I just get so emotional with my booking....
Bret: Damn!  And here I thought Austin would break free with his vast knowledge
of Shakespeare!
Nash <Austin>: What light beer through yonder window breaks?  It's a cold
Stevewiser and Vince is the son of a bitch who's ass I'm gonna whip tonight!

>AUSTIN throws mankind over ring into the CELL!!!!!!!!  AUSTIN picks
>up mankind and throws him into the cell.

Nash: It was so nice, Austin did it twice!
Bisch: Austin knows what works and he sticks with it.
Mark: If only Jeff Jarrett were so lucky....

>AUSTIN picks up mankind and tries to piledrive him on steps.

Bret <Bobby Heenan>: You see, that way you crack his head open
and you break both shoulders at the same time.  Good amateur move.
Nash: What?  Austin's not kicking him in the nads?
Bisch: Well, he's gotta build up to that.

>mankind reverses and backdorps AUSTIN onto hard floor.  OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark: Is Vince doing commentary for this match?
Nash <Oracle>: Oh no!  Austin missed the pile of pillows we set out for him!

>mankind squeels like pig and runs into AUSTIN with his crotch.

Mark: Is Oracle *trying* to scar us?
Bisch: Oh, man... All I can think of is Waltman's Bronco Buster and
'Deliverance'...
Bret <Jim Ross>: Best damn crotch shot in the business!
Nash: I beg to differ.  <Stands and wildly crotch chops at the screen>

>Then he grabs AUSTIN head and ram back of it repately into post.  (if you saw
>match with shawn micehals and crush at king of the ring 93, you know what i
>mean.)

Mark: If you missed it, just picture yourself doing the same thing when Chris
Benoit jobs to Lodi....
Bret <horrified>: Dear god, NO!!
Bisch: There's something about Oracle invoking wrestling history that just
doesn't work.
Nash: Why is Austin's name always written in all caps?  That's starting to bug
me.
Mark: Well, you know how this entire fic is just pointless Austin-worshipping?
Nash: Yeah...
Mark: Well, this is Oracle's way of reminding us that Austin is God.
Bret: He must've taken the 3:16 bit *waaay* out of context, huh?

>then AUSTIN makes come back kicks mankind's ass.

Nash: Wow!  Change the names and you have the plot of any given Rocky sequel!
Bisch: Or any 'Dragonball Z' storyline.
Mark: Or any Sailor Moon plot line, for that matter.
Bret: Oracle is a man of few words... and I don't mean that he's quiet.

>mankind tries mandable claw again by

Nash: ....sticking his smelly fingers down Austin's throat.
Mark: I can see why someone would submit from that....
Bisch: I can't.
Nash: Hey, pink-boy, think you could lean forward a little?
Bret [doing so]: What?
Nash: This!
[Nash suddenly reaches behind Bret to grab the back of Eric's head and shoves
his index and middle finger down Eric's throat.  Eric gags and waves his
arms around wildly for a few moments before furiously tapping the armrest of his
seat Nash takes his fingers out of Eric's mouth and smirks as Eric gasps for
breath and tries not to throw up as he unsteadily resumes his seat.]

Bret: KEVIN!
Nash: Now do you see?
Bisch [coughs]: Y....You'll pay for that, Nash.....Just you wait....
Nash: I'm shaking, I'm shaking....
Mark: Just be grateful Kevin didn't take off his sock.

>sneaking on him but AUSTIN catch him and kick him in nads.

Mark: That Steve Austin is such a devious, subtle fighter.
Bret: Well, Austin may not know many moves, but he's good at what he does.

>mankind screechs
>so AUSTIN kick him again.

Bisch: After all, there's nothing to keep you from screaming like a good kick in
the nads.

>suddenly mankind dropkick mankind into cell.
>AUSTIN falls on face.  HAVE NICE DAY!!!!! mankind screech.

Nash: The hell?!
Mark: Yeah, I'd facefault too, if my opponent dropkicked *himself*....
Bret: Dear lord... Oracle's matchwriting abilities are starting to make Oscar
look like Tim McLees!
Bisch <quietly chanting>: Suuuuuuck up... suuuuuuck up...
Bret: Gee, that kind of thing has never bothered you *before*...
Bisch: What is this?  'Beat up on the executive' day?
Nash: Hey, up here, we have to make our own fun.

>then mankind climbs inside of cell to the top and hangs from cieling.

Guys: [make monkey sounds]
Mark: A planet where Apes evolved from Mankind?!
Bret: Little Mickey Foley was fond of leaping off the monkeybars and through
tables as a child.
Bisch <Mankind>: Follow your dreams!  You can achieve your goals!  I'm living
proof!  HAVE A NICE DAY!  HAVE A NICE DAY!

>then Mankind lets go of cell and drops towards AUSTIN!!!!1111

All: TOGGG!!!
Bisch: Looks like Oracle's nearly out of exclamation points if he's substituting
1's.
Mark: Austin 11:11?  Doesn't work quite as well.

>SWACK!!!!!!!

Bret: BOOMSHACKALAKA!
Nash <Rocky Maivia>: He layed the swack down on him....

>AUSTIN had put his knee up in time and caught mankind coming down.

[The guys wince as they envision the impact]
Bret: Gee.  No wonder there was a *swack* sound....
Nash: Ugh.
Bisch: I guess Mankind can dress on any side he pleases now.
Mark: Look, Goldust coming back is bad *enough*...

>mankind screeches in pain as AUSTIN kicks him in shin.

Nash: Sweet shin music!
Bret: Thrill as the WWF champion KICKS PEOPLE IN THE SHIN!
Bisch: I see Steve's been training with Scott Hall...

>then AUSTIN gets up and throws mankind into ring.

Mark: Three points!

>mankind tries
>to run but AUSTIN catch him and gives him THE STUNNER!!!!!
>YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nash: Maybe it's just me but I have a weird feeling this card is fixed....
Bret: Yes, it's *WWF In Your House XXVII: Stone Cold KILLS Everyone!!!*

>AUSTIN covers mankind.

Bisch: For you see, deep down inside, we are all part of the Great Stone Cold.
Others: Ohhhh.

>1.............2............

Nash: Who's this ref been training with?  Nick Patrick?
Mark <Vince>: He got him!

>NO!!!! he's up!

Bret <Vince>: No, he didn't....

>AUSTIN picks up mankind and stuns him again!!!!!!

Mark: If at first you don't succeed...
Bret: I'm beginning to long for the technical complexity of a Hogan match.
Bisch: Sad thing is, this reminds me of a lot of Stone Cold's *real* matches.

>he covers mankind.

All <singing>: He's got you and me, sister, pinned to the mat...

>1.............2..............3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  AUSTIN win!

Nash: Damn!  I'm not sure my heart can take shocks like this!
Mark: You know, that match wasn't *too* bad, at least compared to the first
one...
Bret: Awww!  I wanted to see more Foley bumps!
Bisch: Dropping from the top of the cage and crotching himself on Austin's
knee wasn't painful enough?
Bret: Yeah, I guess so... but really, all this fanfic has been is Stunners and
crotches.

>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>FUCK!!!!! vince screeched.

Nash <Hyatte>: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have our LINE OF THE NIGHT!!!
Mark: Now THERE'S a challenge for the censors....
Bisch: If Austin wins the next match, we might get rated NC-17!
Bret: I haven't heard Vince like that since he realized how successful the 'New
Generation' angle was...

>NEXT MATCH!!!!  THIS IS HELL IN CELL TOO!!!!!!!1

Nash <Jim Ross>: IT'S A CONSPIRACY I TELL YOU!!! A CONSPIRACY!!!

>hulk hogan walk to ring.

Mark: Oh great.  Another "Age in the Cage" match.
Bret: I think I'm going to enjoy this one... we might see all of *three* moves!
Nash: And where there's Hogan....
Bisch: Oh, *no*...

>eric bitchoff gives hogan kiss

Nash: I knew it!
Bisch <quickly>: I love that man!
Mark: Really?
Bisch: Hell no.  But if he goes, my organization goes!
Bret [rolling his eyes]: You keep right on believing that....

>but hogan laughs as he enter ring.

Nash <Hogan>: I'M THE GOD!!! I'M THE GOD!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Mark: Well, at least Oracle got *somebody* in character.

>AUSTIN runs over to hogan and kicks him in nads.

All: YES!!
Bisch: The surprises just never stop!
Bret: Yep.  I'm DEFINITELY going to enjoy this....

>AUSTIN stomps nads over and over.

All: HARDER!!! HARDER!!! KICK HIM AGAIN!!! HARDER!!!

>nwo rushes into arena to save hogan's ass.

Nash: God dammit!  *Another* screwjob ending!
Mark: Dusty Rhodes must have booked this match....
Bisch: Okay, Oracle managed to get something else right.

>kevin nash rips cell door off hinges and tries to kill AUSTIN.

Bret: Kevin, have you been taking steroids again?
Nash <surprised>: Me?  Hell, I'm NWO *Wolfpack*!  I wouldn't save Hogan's ass
if you promised me his salary on a silver platter!
Bisch [slyly]: Oh really?  What about his portion of the gate?
Nash: Yeah, like I'd ever believe you'd do it.

>AUSTIN kicks nash's knee, break it.

Bret [snickering]: Well *someone* must have a rather delicate bone structure...
Nash: SHUT UP! And I'm sick of having surgery on my knees already!

>scott hall stumbles into ring and tried to closeline AUSTIN

Mark: <Jim Ross> Austin's brought a foreign object into the ring!  It
looks like...GOOD LORD!!!  IT'S THE CLOTHESLINE FROM SABLE'S
BACKYARD!!! HER BRA AND PANTIES ARE STILL CLINGING
TO IT!!!  MY GAWD!!!  WHAT ELSE WILL WE SEE HERE TONIGHT!?!?!
Bisch <Jim Ross>: Mah mama just fainted!

>but AUSTIN duck and closeline him instead.

Bret: Getting a mouthful of Sable's April Fresh bra....
Nash: But what a way to go!
Mark: Austin Duck, the lost Carl Barks creation.

>Syxx try to kick AUSTIN next.  YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE IN WWF IDOT!!!!
>oops sory syxxx says as he leaves.

Mark: You tell 'em, Oracle!
Bisch: Wait a minute! Hold the phone!  If this card isn't being held in the WWF,
then why is Vince hosting this thing and why am I allowing WCW wrestlers to
job to Austin?
Bret: Maybe since this card has WWF and WCW wrestlers, they decided to hold it
on neutral ground?
Bisch: But that still doesn't explain why Austin's the one being showcased and
Vince is trying to bring him down with WCW *and* WWF wrestlers!!
Mark: Well, maybe in this fanfic universe, Austin still works for WCW and
McMahon is the president of WCW.
Bisch: *WHAT*?!
Nash: Nah, that'd be too good to be true.
Bisch:  NASH....

>mr. perfect tried to hit AUSTIN but AUSTIN hit him instead and he flip
>out of ring.

Nash: Curt Henning hasn't been Mr. Perfect for a while now.
Mark: You're telling me!  The guy's a shadow of his former self.
Bret: Hey, leave Curt alone!  He and I fought some of the greatest IC matches
of all time....
Bisch: Funny that Oracle actually got Curt's 'cartwheel' method of selling a
move right.

>kevin nash trys to get up pissed as hell

[Nash starts to rise from his chair, snarling and cursing under his breath, only
to be restrained by Bret]
Bret: Let the forth wall be, Wolfie....
Bisch: I don't remember *you* doing that when you were getting your ass kicked
by Sailor Moon.
Bret: You're not *helping*, Eric...

>but AUSTIN kicks him in nads

Mark: Wow.  The kick in the nads is the Spirit Bomb of wrestling moves.

>and throw him into cell wall.
>scott trys to get up but keeps falling over

Bret: Check it out!  He's doing an impression of Hawk!
Nash: Just breathe on Austin, Scott!  He'll pass out from the fumes!
Bisch: Ick.  Don't remind me.  It took a whole bottle of hair dye to
hide the crap Scott spewed on me on Nitro....
Mark: Didn't work very well.
Bisch: Bite me.

>as eric bitchoff charges AUSTIN.

[All except Bischoff snicker loudly, while Eric groans.]
Nash: This oughta be good for a few laughs....
Bret: Now, now, Eric could use his... [snickers] ... *amazing martial arts*...
Bisch [growls]: Just keep goin', pink-boy.  I'm sure ECW would *love* you...
[Bret suddenly goes quiet]

>AUSTIN grabs eric and give him the stunner.  then he kicks him over
>and over in the nads.

[Bischoff whimpers from the thought]
Mark <Austin>: This is for firing me over the phone, jackass!!!
Nash: Oh HELL yeah!  This is just too SSSSSWEEEEET!!!

>vince laughs hard as his enemy gets his ass kicked.

Bret: Just as I will laugh hard when I'm tying my enemy's spine in knots.
Bisch <pissed>: Yeah, laugh it up, V-man!  At least I don't have two women
tearing their clothes off each other while my competition has a great moment
on television!
Nash <Flair>: Bite me!  I'm already bitten!  Bite me!  I'm already bitten!
Bisch <growling>: Oh, that's VERY funny, Nash....

>then AUSTIN gives everybody a stunner and they run.

Mark: They no-sold the Stone Cold Stunner?  Wow.
Bret: How could Austin just give *everybody* a Stunner? What about all the time
it would take to kick them in the stomach and flip the bird in their faces
afterward?
Bisch: Maybe Austin's got telekinetic powers in this universe.

>nash is still out cold on floor.

Nash <yawns>: Groovy.   I could use a nap about now.
Mark: Frightening.  Oracle just wrote what I find on the rec room floor every
Saturday morning.

>vince then screeches  NEXT MATCH!!!

Bret: What?  No cursing?
Bisch: Is this a Hell in the Cell match, too?
Nash: Will Nitro end in a run-in?

>THIS IS A CACKET MATCH!!!!!!!!!!

[All stare at the screen]
Mark: A *what*?!
Bret: What the hell is a cacket?
Bisch: Whatever it is, it doesn't sound very sanitary.

>undertaker walk to ring.

All: [hum the Graveyard Symphony]
Mark <ominous>: One ring to rule them all and in the darkness
bind them...

>he raises arms and lights go on.

Nash: So all the fights before this took place in the dark?
Bret: But... but... how could Austin properly aim his kicks to the nads, then?
And how could he offend anyone with his 'sign language'?
Bisch: The same way Mankind dropkicked himself, I guess.

>he drags finger acros throat.

Mark: How to be the Undertaker in two easy lessons.
Nash: He is smart.  He can make our ship go.
All: Mmmmmm....

>AUSTIN attacks him.

Bisch: Austin runs a series of commercials which reveal the Undertaker's shoddy
voting record.

>undertaker kicks AUSTIN in the nads

Mark [grinning]: You snooze, you lose, Austin.
Bret: Nothing worse than getting hit with your own signature move.

>then closeline him over ropes to the floor.

Nash <Jim Ross>: WAIT A MINUTE!!!  THAT'S NOT SABLE'S
UNDERWEAR ON THAT CLOSELINE!!!  THAT'S *SABLEDUST'S*
OLD OUTFIT!!!  MY GAWD!!!  HOW VILE!!!  HOW PUTRID!!!
All: Ugggggh!!!  KEVIN!

>undertaker bounces ropes and leaps over ropes to closeline AUSTIN!!!!!!!!!!!1
>OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Bisch: The lightweights still do it a lot better....
Mark: Quiet, mortal! [summons lightning bolt to fry Bischoff to a crisp]
Nash: I've got to find out how he does that....
Mark: Well, I could show you, but first you'd have to let me send you on a
little *trip*...
Nash: Er... no, thanks.

>undertaker chokes AUSTIN and throws him in cell.

Bret: Cell?  I thought this was a casket match!
Mark: No, no, it's a 'cacket' match.
Bret: What the hell's a *cacket*, then?
Mark: I'm betting it's something like a sampo.
Bisch: Wow, it's a gimmick match within a gimmick match!
Nash: Next thing you know a tongue of flame will burst 6 feet in the
air every time somebody does a move....
Mark <shaking his head>: And I thought my match against Terry Gordy
was a dumb idea....

>then undertaker picks up AUSTIN and trys to piledrive him on the
>steps!!!!!!!!!

Mark: Good, I'm sick of being the victim of that move.
Nash: How come the dead guy gets to be competent in this thing?
Bret: Oracle must be a Undertaker mark on the side.

>but AUSTIN reverses!!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!1

Bret: I'm beginning to think Kevin's right.  Austin *has* to be telekinetic to
pull off this kinda crap.
Bisch: Steve Austin *is* Nate Summers!

>AUSTIN stomps a myhole in
>undertakers ass and walk it dry.

[All blanch]
Nash: Right there in the ring? Gross!!

>then AUSTIN throw undertaker through
>door that kevin nash broke.

Mark [growling]: *Good one*, Kevin...

>they take it outside.

Bret <motherly>: I said no rough-housing in the house, young man!

>undertaker kicks AUSTIN
>in the nads and throws him in the cell.  then again.

Bisch: It was so nice, he did it twice!
Mark: Not so tough when you have to deal with your own Ultimate Attack, huh,
Steve?

>then undertaker climbs
>the outside of the cell.

Nash: And why?  Because it was there.

>AUSTIN follows and they start fighting on the
>cell!!!!!!

All <clearly unimpressed>: Ooooh...  Ahhhh...

>undertakers take control and chockslam AUSTIN on ceiling.

Bret: How much slam?  Why, it's chock full o' slam!
Bisch: 'Undertakers'?  Vince is *cloning* now!
Nash: Just imagine Vince with a limitless supply of Chynas...
[All shudder]

>the cell starts
>to break as undertaker trys to do it again

All <singing>: Do it to me one more time...

>but AUSTIN kicks him in nads and
>throws him off cell.  undertaker smashes through jim ross annouce table and
>dies.

Mark [smirks]: A little too late there, Oracle....
Bret: And the Spanish commentators did rejoice!
Bisch and Nash <Spanish commentators>: Ole....

>YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!  AUSTIN climbs back down cell

Bret: That's it?  Wasn't it supposed to be a casket match?  Where the hell
was the casket?
Mark: No, it was a *cacket* match, remember?
Bret: WHAT THE HELL IS A CACKET?!?!
Mark: Look, how the hell am I supposed to know?!  Just quit thinking about it!
Bret [grumbling]: I know, I know...

>and vince is PISSED.

Nash <announcer>: ... and he's *back*, in 'Commando Executive *2*: First Blood!'

>AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  you die now AUSTIN!!!!!!!!!!!

Bisch <badly dubbed martial arts movie>: Not even you can stand up to the
Thousand Lacerating Paper Cuts of Doom, Stone Cold one!
Mark <ditto>: Hah! Cease your attack, fool, or I shall be forced to unseal a can
of whup-ass upon you!

>NEXT MATCH!!!!!  FINAL FOUR MATCH!!!!!!

Bret: Wow!  They're gonna make Stone Cold fight the entire NCAA!

>(like the one in in your house
>with AUSTIN, brett hart, undertaker and vader)
>the rock owen hart and mark herny walk to ring.

Bret: No D-Lo?  I guess he's defending his European Title in *Europe* for a
change....
Mark: So Vince follows up Stone Cold killing *me* with the Nation? *Lame.*

>they enter ring and triple
>team AUSTIN.

Nash: Sounds like the premise for a CATS wrestling fic.
Others: Shut UP, Nash!

>owen kicks AUSTIN in the head

Bisch: BOOT TO THE HEAD!
Bret: Yeah!  Go, Owen!
Mark: You know he's just going to get kicked in the nads and die.
Bret: Yeah, but I can enjoy my fantasies until then, right?

>and mark herny gives him
>a big splash.

Nash: It was a 64 ounce glass of Ocean Spray CranApple.  Good stuff.

>the rock gives AUSTIN a shouderbreaker and then takes his
>elbow off and gives the sign for the dreaded PEOPLE ELBOW!!!!!!
>UH OH!!!!!

Bisch: OH *NO*, MR. BILL!!
Mark: Crap!  I'd be scared if Rocky took his elbow off too!  You'd have to be
wrestling a cyborg or something.
Nash: Jeez, what it up with people ripping off their appendages and beating
people with them in this fic?
Bret: I think it's Oracle's 'leitmotif'.

>the rock bounces off the ropes and nails the elbow.

Bisch: ... by using it to hammer Austin!  HA!
[The others simply glare at Eric]

>Then AUSTIN
>gets up and kicks the rock in the nads laughing at him for such using a lame
>move.

Mark: I dunno, it's not nearly as lame as the Camel Clutch.
Nash: Or the devastating Tongan Death Grip!
Bret: Or the ultimate lameness... the Torture Rack of Doom.

>owen catch AUSTIN from behind with kick to the back of his head.

Bisch: So when did Owen start training with X-Pac?
Bret: When his career went straight to hell.

>then mark
>herny splashes him again.

Mark: Hah!  Mark has so much fun with his pool toys!

>the fans hold up signs with AUSTIN 3:!6 RULES!
>and MARRY ME SABLE!

[Bret holds up a mysteriously convenient sign that says 'Oracle 3:16 just kicked
you in the nads!']
[Nash holds up a sign that says 'Hire me, Vince!']
[Bisch holds up a sign that says 'Three words: Goldberg's personal jobber.']
[Mark simply holds up a large foam version of the State Bird of Texas.]

>then the rock hits rock bottom on AUSTIN

Bisch: Hey!  Maivia famous on Austin!

>and
>goes for the pin!!!!  1..............2...............no!  he kicked out!

All: *GASP!*

>AUSTIN is pissed and kicking everybody assses.
>owen leaps off the top rope

Mark: ....to his death.

>with a dropkick but hits mark herny instead!  HAHAHAHAHAAHAAAH!!!!

Bisch: <singing> Make him laugh....Make him laugh....
Mark: Laugh and the world laughs at you.

>then AUSTIN gives all three stunners and pins them all!

[Bret sighs in quiet exasperation.]
Bret: Owen, Owen, *Owen*....
Bisch: Set phasers to 'stunner', crew...
Nash: And next, Steve will kill the Sailor Senshi, and rip Hitler's head off,
and then he'll defeat the commie hordes!

>AUSTIN WINS AGAIN!!!! YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

All [chanting]: Goooooold-berg....Gooooold-berg....Gooooold-berg.....

>DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN
>DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN
>DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN DAWN DAMN DAMN DAMN!!!!

Mark: ....you all to *hell*!
Bret: YANKEES YANKEES YANKEES YANKEES!!!

>i'm not through yet!!!!  NEXT MATCH!!!!  AUSTIN VS. DX!!!!!

Bisch: Are you ready?
Nash: No, no, I've gotta tie my shoe...

>shawn michaels HHH x-pac and new age outlaws walk to ring.

Mark: Is Shawn even in DX anymore?
Bret: I don't care!  I'm going to *soooo* enjoy this part...
Nash <Bad Ass>:  Oh, you didn't know that we're more cannon fodder for Austin?
Bisch <Roaddog>: Then your ass better call SOOOMEBODYYYY!!

>chyna is
>behind them.

Nash: Hopefully, without the strap-on this time.
Bret: Kevin...

>they enter the ring and start attacking AUSTIN.  AUSTIN
>grab HHH nose and rip it off and hit chyna with it.  HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH!!!!

Bisch: <singing> Nobody *nose* the trouble she's seen....
Nash: <Groans>
Bret: That was bad, Eric... *Really* bad....
Bisch: Bite me!

>then AUSTIN does a hurricaranna on x-pac!!!!

[Stunned silence]
Mark: What's next?  Lex Luger doing a corkscrew plancha?

>the new age outlaws grabed
>AUSTIN and beat him up before AUSTIN stunned em both!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!
>shawn tries superkkick but AUSTIN grab leg and break it.

Bisch: Geez... he ripped one of his legs off, now he just broke the other one...
Austin *is* tough.

>then he stuns
>shawn.

Nash: With the most horrifying sight known to man... nude pictures of Estelle
Getty.
[Others shudder]

>HAHHAHAAH!!!!!  TAKE THAT LOOSER!!!!!  HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!

Mark: Anybody get the feeling Oricle believes laughter is the best medicine?
Nash: Maybe he got a faceful of the Joker's laughing gas.
Bret: Either that or the 'Doink and Dink' gimmick sent him over the edge....

>vince was beyond piss,

Bret: Vince transcended the need for urination?
Bisch: I wonder if he's beyond crap too....
Mark: Well, we know YOU'RE full of it.
Bisch <sulks>: You better hope you never work for me again, *Mean Mark*....
Mark: Like hell I will.  You expect me to trade the Tombstone for the *Heart Punch*?

>he screech  NEXT MATCH!!!!  GRUDUGE MATCH!!!!!

Nash: Come on, don't hold a gruduge.

>brett hart walk to ring.

Bret: No!  I call no way!  There's not a snowball's chance in *hell* I'd ever
work for Vince again!
Mark: This should be interesting...

>he grab mike and screech  I BEST THEIR IS BEST THEIR
>WAS BEST THEIR EVER WILL BE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark: Tonight, Bret Hart's lines will be written by Steven Ratliff.
Bret: Great.  Just great.  And I do *not* screech!
Nash: Yeah, it's more of a high-pitched whine.

>AUSTIN tells brett to suck it and
>they fight.

Bisch: In nine simple words, Oracle has expressed the true spirit of
professional wrestling.

>brett punch AUSTIN in head and does toe drop.  AUSTIN yell in pain
>as brett hamerlocks him.  then AUSTIN revrses and throw brett into cell.  brett
>land on kevin nash and wake him up consous.

Mark: Austin must've done shot in high school.
Nash: Well, I can see why!  I mean, having a giant load dropped on me...
[Bret growls at him]

>kevin get up and charge ring.

Bisch: And he *didn't* use American Express!

>AUSTIN trade blow with kevin nash

[Nash stares at the screen for a few minutes, then turns green and falls out of
his seat]
Mark: Poor guy.  Victim of his own dirty mind.

>and brett goes to top rope. brett trys to
>elbow AUSTIN but hit kevin nash instead.

Bret: So Steve has intangibility now, huh?
Bisch: Nah, it's his Cloak of Displacement.  When he pulls out his Rod of Ruin,
you'll really be screwed.

>kevin nash fall down to floor out cold
>again.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!!!!

Nash [crawling back into his seat]: Look, I don't see what's so damned funny
about me getting my ass kicked!
Mark: Well, it's subtle humor, but truly hilarious if you can appreciate it.

>AUSTIN start beating up brett but brett kicks
>AUSTIN in nads.

Bisch: Now there's a power move...
Bret: HITMAN TESTICLE CRUSH!!
Nash: Wasn't Jenna Jameson in that?

>then brett wrap AUSTIN leg around ring post in figuire 4!!!!
>OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

Mark <Jim Ross>: MAH GAWD!!!  IT'S THE HEARTLOCK!!!  THE
CARNAGE!!!  THE CARNAGE!!!
Bret: Okay, I call no more Jim Ross impressions.

>AUSTIN screech but he not give up.  brett use more presure but AUSTIN too tough
>for him.

Bisch: The laws of physics are as nothing before the mighty Stone Cold!
Nash: Austin already destroyed force and voltage.

>brettt give up and drag AUSTIN back in ring.

Mark: Have your opponent in a painful submission hold that will inevitably
cripple him?  Well, if it doesn't work at first, then just give up.

>brett stomp AUSTIN
>and does legg sweepy thing.

Bret <British>: Yes, Mr. Austin, you shall fall victim to my diabolical LEG
SWEEPY THING!

>brett covers AUSTIN!!!!

Bisch: What would that be?  Bret doing a remake of 'Hell Frozen Over'?
Mark: As long as it's not a Puff Daddy cover, I don't care.

>1..............2...............no!

Nash: Oh, God, the tension... I'm not sure my heart can take it...

>AUSTIN kick out.

Bret: And... one and two and step and kick and shuffle-kick-ball-change!
Bisch: *What*?!
Bret: Sorry, flashing back to those tap-dancing lessons I had as a kid...

>brett give AUSTIN backbreker then go to 2nd rope and nails
>elbow!!!!

Mark: Then Randy Savage ran in, and boy, was he *pissed*!

>1................2..........no1

Nash: No one what?
Bisch: No one buys this crap, I don't care how big an Austin mark you are.

>AUSTIN kick out again!

Bret: For some reason, that's making me think about Austin as a can-can dancer.
Mark: You too?
[They both shudder]

>brett is
>pissed and does his finsher move THE DREEDED SHARPSHOTER!!!!
>NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

All: THE HORROR!  THE HORROR!

>AUSTIN SCREECH AS BRETT LOCKS HIM UP, AUSTIN
>WONT GIVE UP!!!!! LET HIM GO!!!!!

Bisch: LET MY PEOPLE GO!!
Nash: You actually had him in the Sharpshooter and you just *let him go*?
[Thwaps Bret across the back of the head] What's *wrong* with you?!
Bret: Hey!  That's Oracle, not *me*!

>the crowd screech.

Mark: I know, reading this thing does make you want to scream in agony.

>suddenly kevin nash wake up
>again and enter ring.

Bisch: But he never *left* the ring!
Bret: What, you think Oracle's actually keeping track?

>he kick brett for hitting him

Nash: YEAH!  Power to the perverts!

>and then set up AUSTIN for jacknife.
>suddenly AUSTIN backdrop kevin nash!!!! YESS~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark: What?  Someone actually got to use the most logical way to counter the
Jack-knife Power Bomb?
Bisch: Whoa!  If Goldberg shows up in this, we may actually see Austin *dodge*
the spear!

>brett closeline
>nash out of ring for hitting him.

Bret: YES!  A victory for the forces of moral decency!
Nash: Help!  Help!  I'm being oppressed!

>then AUSTIN catch brett from behind for
>stunner. 1..........2........3!!!!!111  AUSTIN WINS!!!!

Bisch and Mark: You're *kidding*!!
Nash [turning to Bret, in 'Nelson' voice]: Ha ha!

>kevin nash trys to get up again
>but brett kick him in nads as he leave.

Bret [grinning]: Ha-ha yourself, Wolfie.
Nash: Shut up.
Mark: Yes, folks, the mighty Kick in the Nads: Don't leave home without it!
Bisch: Available at Walgreens and other fine stores.

>HHAHAAHAAHAHHAAHAA!!!!!!
>THAT IT!!!!! THAT FUCKING IT!!!!  FINAL MATCH!!!!!!   vince srceech.

Bret: Why is Vince laughing if Stone Cold just won?
Nash: *Is* that Vince laughing?
Mark: Maybe he's finally gone insane from being forced to be in this script.
Bisch [in horror]: Oh my god...
Bret: What?
Bisch [in horror]: Then.... that would mean....*VINCE* is the random
laughing voice that's been showing up at Nitro!
Mark: Yes, I can see how Nitro could be found laughable.
Bisch: Look, was I talking to you?!

>AUSTIN VS...................................

Nash: ... Street Fighter?
Mark: ... Capcom?
Bisch: ... Marvel?
Bret: ...Soup?

>VINCE MCMAN!!!!!

All: *OF COURSE*...
Bret: Gee, an overmuscled 6'5" guy vs. a fifty-something executive.  I wonder
who'll win.
Bisch: Hey, don't underestimate us execs!  We're small, but we're wiry!  And we
*don't* fight fair.
Mark [chuckling]: Whatever you say, Eric.

>vince walk to ring.
>THIS IS THE MOMENT EVERBODY WAIT FOR!!!!

Nash: Yeah, I've just been dyin' to see Vince stroll out to the ring.

>THE BOSS VS. 3:16!!!!!!!\\!!

Nash: Springsteen's fighting Austin?  WOW!
Bret: Aren't they going to do this on Celebrity Deahtmatch?
Bisch: Yeah, and I bet even *that* will be funnier than this.

>vince punches AUSTIN.

All: PACK!!!

>AUSTIN grabs vince and punches him over and over
>and over and over and over.

All: <singing> But lately I feel like I'm just gonna rain and it goes over,
and over, and over, and over again.

>then he stomps a mudhole in his ass and kicks him
>in the nads over and over and over and over.

[Bisch watches with a delusionally happy smile on his face.]
Bisch: Oh, yes... I've found my happy thought.
Bret [sighs in satisfaction]: I'm with ya there.
Mark: So, is anyone really surprised at this point?
Nash: Nope. I'm just waiting for Steve's M-16 to put in an appearance.

>then AUSTIN picks up vince and
>give him tombstone on steps.

Bret: Well, that's nice!  Instead of Steve just killing Vince, he's having a
pizza with him instead so they can calmly and rationally talk out their difference!

>(the same one undertaker did in match with the
>fake undertaker\\\)  then AUSTIN did it again.  and again. and again. and
>again.

Nash [smirking]: Not quite, pink boy.
Bret: Look, you can't blame a guy for hoping...
Mark: And I'll be forced to smite Austin for plagiarism.  Then I'll do it again.
And again.  And again.  And again.

>finally vince bleed hard from head.

Bisch: How hard was it?
Nash: So hard, it actually bruised Jim Hellwig's ego!  BA-DA-BING!

>PLESE!!!! DONT KILL ME!!!!!  vince screech

Bret <high-pitched>: Don't kill Vincent, gollum, gollum!

>AUSTIN laugh and kick him in nads and then gives him the stone cold stunner.

Mark <Austin>: And such shall be done to all who dare to challenge my power,
jackass!

>vince
>fall and die.

[All giggles]
Bisch <weakly>: Et tu, Stone Cold?
Bret [laughing]: So Stone Cold actually *killed* somebody with the *Stunner*?!
Nash [laughing]: No, it was all those kicks to the nads!  Vince was mortally
wounded!

>AUSTIN WINS!!!! AUSTIN WINS!!!! AUSTIN WINS!!!!!

Mark: And why?  Because 3:16 RULSZ!!!! 3:16 RULSZ!!!!  3:16 RULSZ!!!!

>SHUP UP
>ROSS!!!!! AUSTIN screech as he kick jim ross in the nads.

Bret: HEY!  If you have to kick an announcer in the nads, go after Schiavone!
Bisch: Look, if Ross was the one marking out for Austin all during this stupid
post, I hope he gets kicked in the nads until his head explodes.
Nash: Is that *possible*?
Bisch: Well, there is only so much pain a guy can take...

>THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!

All: YES!!!!!!!!!!

>FOR NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

All: NO!!!!!!!!!!

>round 2 coming soon!!!!  watch it!!!!!
>Oracle

Mark: There's going to be *another* one of these things?!
Bret: How?  Hasn't Austin already killed everybody?
Bisch: Well, not *everybody*.  Just offhand, he missed Goldberg and DDP.
Bret: Aw, crap... Oracle, *can* do another one...
Nash [thoughtfully]: Yeah, and I know just how it'll go... C'mon, guys, I've got
an idea!
Mark: AGAIN?!
[Nash dashes out of the theater, everyone else following]

* * * * *

     Vince smirked into the viewscreen, expecting to the see the wrestlers
charging out of the theater, weeping and moaning from the barrage of
illogic just thrown at him.  However, his smile faded as he saw the wrestlers
instead industriously moving boxes and props into position around the
Bridge's main console.  Vince elbowed the Rock in the ribs and motioned
him over to the screen to see.

     "Rocky, what are they doing?"

     "The Rock has no idea, boss man," Rocky replied with a shrug.  "But
it looks like they're gettin' out some... action figures?"

     At that, Vince's curiosity overwhelmed him.  He opened communications
with the SON and demanded, "All right, J. O. B. Squad, exactly what is
the meaning of all this?"

     On the SON, the lights were dimming.  Bisch and Nash had put on head
sets and were holding up a pair of scripts.  Bret was kneeling behind the
Bridge, so that only the top half of his face could be seen.  Mark was standing
directly in front of the Bridge, and stared seriously into the Viewscreen.

     "Hello.  Tonight, the Satellite of Nitro players would like to present
their rendition of Round 2 of '3:16 RULZS!!!'..." Mark shouted that part for emphasis.
"... a work written by Oracle.  This is merely our interpretation of what the
sequel to his fine work would be."  With that, Mark went behind the Bridge
as well and kneeled behind it.

     "Cahm-bot, zoom in," the SON's Magic Voice, directed.  The viewscreen's
feed moved so it was a close-up of a toy wrestling ring.  A mock-announcer's
table was set-up behind it, where a Kevin Nash and a GI Joe action figure
repainted into an Eric Bischoff were sitting.  The real Eric and Nash, standing
behind the control console, then began to provide the commentary.

     "Hello, everyone!  I'm 'Easy E' Eric Bischoff..."

     "...and I'm Big Sexy the Giantkiller Kevin Nash!"

     "And we're coming to you *live* from the sold-out Bridge of the
Satellite of Nitro with the long awaited *Second Round* of 3:16 RULSZ!!!"

     "That's right, Eric," Nash said seriously.  "In the last round, Steve
Austin decimated the finest the WCW and WWF had to offer.  And now, a new
group of valiant gladiators will step into the ring to test their might against
the Rattlesnake."

     "The hell?" Eric whispered to him.

     Nash merely shrugged.  "Look, I'm trying to be dramatic here."

     Eric rolled his eyes and decided to try to stick to the script.  "Well,
first we'll bring the competitors for our first match.  First... GLACIER!!"

     Cheesy Mortal Kombat-esque music played for about five minutes as
Bret very, very slowly moved a slightly retooled Sub-Zero action figure
to the ring.  About four of those five minutes were dedicated to Bret
'posing' the figure in the middle of the toy ring as he shone a flashlight's
beam down upon it.

     "Wow!  That Glacier has one hell of an entrance, huh?" Eric commented.

     "One hell of an entrance," Nash agreed.  "And now, here's his opponent..."

     Mark cued up 'Hell Frozen Over', and then brought a Stone Cold Steve
Austin action figure out to the ring.

     "And now we're ready to begin our action!  Glacier opening up with
some kicks..." Nash began.

     "... and he's following up with... kicks... um, not a lot of wrestling
here," Eric wondered.

     "But Austin countering with a kick of his own... yes, it's the deadly
KICK TO THE NADS!!" Nash exclaimed.  In unison with Kevin's
comments, Mark pressed a button on the action figure's back, which
caused one of it's legs to abruptly kick up and nail Glacier right in his
'area'.  Bret immediately let the action figure fall, and after a few minutes
of dramatic 'twitching', Glacier lay still.

     "I'm not sure, but... yes, yes, Glacier appears to *dead*!" Bisch
commented.

     Nash shook his head.  "Austin's kick to the nads is one of the deadliest
fighting techniques known to man."

     "Yes, Glacier's demise is a real shame... well, on to our next match!"
Bret tossed the Glacier figure into a wall, and then proceeded to pull out
a Raven action figure.

     Bret leaned the figure against one of the ring's turnbuckles, and then
began to rant. "All my life, I have been ignored by those in power.  Even
now, I am not given a chance to wrestle and truly prove my worth, but am
only allowed to sit here and be cannon fodder for Steve Austin.  Well, what
about *my* skills?  What *my* needs?  WHAT ABOUT RAVEN?!  WHAT
ABOUT..."

     Bret stopped abruptly as Mark once more pressed the button on the Stone
Cold figure's back, nailing the Raven figure in the nads.  Then, Mark
grabbed the Raven figure and put its head over the Stone Cold's figure
shoulder, then dropped 'Raven' with the Stone Cold stunner.  Raven then
lay still on the mat for a few moments before Bret hurled him out of the ring.

     "Oh my god!  Raven's dead, too!" Eric said.  "However, our next
competitor should be more a challenge for Stone Cold..."

     "... ERNEST 'THE CAT' MILLER!!" Nash enthused.

     Bret maneuvered a rather nondescript and boring-looking figure to
the ring.

     "Oh, the Cat's in trouble!  It appears Austin has ripped the Cat's leg
off, and is beating him with it!" Eric exclaimed.

     "In fact, I think the Cat just died!" Nash continued.

     In the ring, the Ernest Miller figure lay still in the ring, one of it's
legs ripped off.  Mark pulled the separated leg out of the Austin figure's
grasp, and then laid it over the Cat's still form.  Bret then threw all of the
Cat's various body parts into a nearby wall.

     "My God!  If Austin took down *the Cat* so easily, can *anyone* stop
him?!" Eric wondered.  Then, the SON's lights dimmed a bit, and haunting
organ music played.

     "If anyone can, it's this big red machine... this monster... KANE!"
Nash melodramatically announced.  Bret then brought a Kane action
figure out to the ring.  Bret raised's the figures arms, and long jets of
flame shot up from the toy ring's turnbuckles, melting the ring's plastic
a little.

     The Kane figure stalked its way over to the Austin figure.  The Austin
figure once more unleashed its deadly kick in the nads, but Kane was
unaffected.

     "NO!  NO!  He's not human!" Eric cried.

     Then Mark began pressing the button on Austin's back repeatedly,
causing the figure to unleash a flurry of kicks to Kane's nads.  Bret
promptly reached over and ripped the Kane figure's head off, and then
let it drop the mat.

     "Dear God!  Kane was kicked in the nads so many times, his *head*
exploded!!" Nash marveled.  "Austin's unbeatable!"

     Then the pounding rims of a very familiar theme song began.  Eric's
face lit up with joy at hearing them, even though this was only a role-play.
"Yes... there's one challenger left!  The undefeated, the undaunted, the
incomparable... the World Champion... GOLDBERG!"

     Bret attempted to help the figure stand in the fireworks that exploded
to herald his arrival, but was forced to pull back when his fingers got
scorched.  Once the fireworks went out, then Bret brought the slightly
scorched Goldberg figure to the ring, surrounded by police officer
figures.  The Goldberg figure stepped into the ring, and faced off with
Austin.

     "This is a very long awaited match-up, and... Goldberg opens with a
*kick to the nads*!  He's using Austin's powers against him!" Nash
announced.

     "Goldberg's going for the pin... one, two, and... NO!  Austin, with
strength, breaks free!"
     "Now Goldberg is pummeling Austin... and now he appears to be
preparing to go for the SPEAR!!"

     Bret pulled the Goldberg figure back, and proceeded to push it head
first at the Austin figure.  Mark merely pulled the figure out of the way,
so the Goldberg figure rammed into the turnbuckle at high speed instead.
It's head bent out at an unhealthy-looking angle, and Bret promptly dropped
it to the mat, where it lay still.

     "OH MY GOD!  Austin just dodged the spear!  Austin has transcended
mortality now!  He is as a *god*!" Nash ranted.

     Eric choked back tears.  "Once more, Austin has destroyed all in his
path.  Now, friends, our broadcast will end, so my colleague and I can
make sacrifices to Stone Cold and pray that he does not smite us.  So,
I'm Eric Bischoff..."

     "And I'm Kevin Nash, and we are OUT OF HERE!"

     Cambot then pulled back, restoring Vince's view of the Bridge to
normal.  Bret and Mark got off their knees, and Bisch and Nash pulled
off their headsets.  The guys all proceeded to congratulate each other on
the show, and then turned towards the Viewscreen expectantly.  "Well,
whaddaya think, sirs?" Bisch asked.

     Rocky and Vince stared uneasily at the Viewscreen.  They briefly
glanced at each other, and then turned their gazes back to the screen.
Rocky shook his sadly.  "The Rock thinks you're finally startin' to crack."

     Vince then grinned wickedly at the screen.  "YES!  Just think, boobies,
I have you teetering at the brink... and now all I have to do is find the
right fanfic to PUSH YOU OVER!"

     Back on the SON, the guys were already drinking bottled water, eating
a lovely catered lunch, and bitching about being snubbed at the Tony awards.
"What was that?" Bret asked as he looked up from a plate of pita triangles
with hummus tahini dressing.

     "Oh, nothing," Vince sang.  "Rocky, push the button... I need to think
up something *special* for next time..."  Vince then broke out into evil
laughter as Rocky obediently pushed the button.

PWOOSH!!

[Over the credits, Rocky can be heard asking, "Could you send some of
that down here?  The Rock always did like hummus..."]
__________________________________________________________

BORING STUFF: As per usual, I own pretty much nothing used in the
making of this MiSTing.  The various wrestlers used are TM & C WWF,
WCW, and themselves.  The Ultimate Warrior's Interviews are, I assume,
the property of Jim Hellwig.  "3:16 RULSZ!!" is property of Oracle.  No
licenses are given or implied, and I certainly won't make money off of this.
Please don't sue me.

NO OFFENSE IS INTENDED towards Oracle in the making of this
MiSTing.  As for the Warrior... well, please don't take any of this personally,
if you ever read it. ;)  Simply look upon this as a humorous version of C & C.
No insult is intended or implied.

LYNX'S NOTES: Whoo-hoo!!  After months of work, post 105 is finally
finished!  Major thanks go out to Megane 6.7 for digging up 3:16 RULSZ
for me, and for writing the hilarious 'Brother Love' sketch. Working with
Megs was a blast, and I intend to team-up with him again sometime in the
future.  I also extend thanks (and apologies for lateness) to all the people
who showed such interest in seeing this MST completed.  For 106, I'll be
returning to the Pit of Kefka to riff 'The Endless Night' and 'The Death of
Samantha Jones' with the Triple Threat.  It'll be a while before that one
comes out, due to school and AAA commitments.  But until then... good-bye,
good luck, and keep circulating the fics!

MEGANE'S NOTES: Hiya!  I hope you enjoyed this MST of ours and
C&C is more than welcome!  :)  I had a lot of fun working with
Lynx-Chan on this MST and if you haven't seen her other posts yet, I
wholeheartedly recommend checking them out.  I've been really busy with
college and RL lately and I hope to get back to my own MSTing series
before too long.  I also welcome the chance to work with Lynxara again
in the near future.  I'd like to thank everyone for their encouragement and
support of this MSTing and remember: The future isn't what it used to be.  ;P

You can find all of our works at:
"Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings"
-- http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/

Contact the writers!  Send C & C to:

Lynxara: lynxara@hotmail.com

Megane 6.7: fcasper@yesic.com
Homepage: http://members.xoom.com/RyanMercury/megane.html

____________________________________________________________________
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
>FUCK!!!!! vince screeched.