(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON ONE)
EPISODE 2: ARTEMIS'S LOVER
(A Sailor Moon Lemon MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"Artemis's Lover" is the property of Oscar and he's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but
I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this
as another form of C&C. ;)
Warning: This fic contains mature content and a very small pinch
lemon. If you are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's
gone. If not, enjoy!
THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
13:20 HOURS IN BERMUDA....
AND IN ONTARIO, WOMEN CAN GO TOPLESS IN PUBLIC. ;)
Joel Robinson stood by the window, staring out into the vast
regions of space while Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot watched him
from a distance.
"He's been standing there for hours, Crow. You don't suppose
that crap, Dr. F, fed us about overusing the holocabana and longing for
reality was true?"
"Nah, he's probably just admiring the view of Earth." Crow
replied. "Besides, the Mads are likely to call us any minute and he'll
be his old self again."
"Yeah...." Tom said with uncertainty. "Maybe we should
to cheer him up in the meantime?"
"Yeah, I guess."
Tom and Crow made their way to Joel, who continued to watch
the stars, seemingly oblivious to their presence.
"Um... Joel?" Crow began.
"Did you ever notice no matter how many time NASA tries to
fix the Hubble Telescope, they never quite get it right?" Joel suddenly
remarked as he watched a space shuttle dock with the aforementioned
satellite for what seemed like the billionth time to him.
"Uh, yeah. We were just coming up to see it too."
a little too quickly, nudging Tom with his elbow."
"Yep! That's the reason, all right!" Tom added hurriedly.
"Aw, guys, you were worried about me? That's really touching."
Joel said as he smiled down at his creations. "Don't worry, even though
it can be annoying having to watch bad movies and fanfics day in and
day out, having you two here makes it much easier to deal with."
"You really mean that, Joel?" Tom asked, emotional.
"Absolutely. After all, without you guys here, I'd have
sarcastic remarks to myself and eventually turn into the drooling
lunatic that Dr. Forrester wants me to become. To sacrifice knowing
when the experiments begin or end is well worth your company."
"Aw, that's touching, Joel. But all this sentimental stuff
making my stomach turn. When are the Mads going to...."
Suddenly the red light flashed. "Be careful what you ask
for...." Joel replied as he faced Cambot....
* * *
TVs Frank had a nervous expression on his face as the
image of Joel and his bots appeared on the screen. "Uh, hi guys."
"Hey Frank, Where's Doctor Feelgood? Still recovering from
that toilet mishap?"
Frank winced before replying. "Actually, Dr. F's decided
in today. He gave me his invention to show you...." Frank walked over
to a large blue screen and stood in front of it. He took a deep breath and
began explaining the doctor's invention....
"Okay, you know when you go to a movie and you sit through the
previews for upcoming films and they're all pretty much the same thing?"
Joel looked puzzled. "In what sense?"
"Well... um... take the previews for most science fiction and
action films. They all have big explosions, rapid cut scenes and feature
climatic music from the same three films. "Aliens", "Crimson Tide"
or "Stargate". They're always the same sort of thing and people always
know what to expect when they see them." Frank pointed out.
"Yeah, so? What's your point?" Crow inquired.
"Well, Dr. F has created a machine... that will... um... make the
viewer see footage of... that is while the movie is playing, I mean the
preview is playing... er...."
"FRANK!" a loud voice caused Frank to jump in surprise and
turn around to see an annoyed and grumpy Dr. Clayton Forrester wearing
a lime green bathrobe. "Fortunately, for the reader's sake, I managed to
wake up in time to stop you from making a bigger ass out of yourself than
usual! Now step aside and let a REAL scientist show you how to make
"Yes, sir." Frank slinked off.
"Now, Joel, what Frank was trying to say is that previews for
movies today are all so predicable as to be laughable. Even when the
filmmakers try to use symbolism...."
Dr. Forrester waves the end of a plug back and forth in front
"No one seems to care anymore. Therefore I have come up
a way to once again generate enthusiasm into this fading portion of the
film industry. Dr. Forrester's Digital Subliminal System or the DSS for
short. When you're watching the previews, this little device will
produce subliminal messages that will be impossible to ignore and thus
your attention is riveted on the screen."
"What kind of images?" Joel wondered aloud.
"Naked women?" Crow inquired.
Dr. Forrester snorted. "Hardly."
"Then what?" Tom asked.
Dr. Forrester smiled. "Stock footage of the O.J. Simpson trial."
There was a dead silence. Then the bots broke out into
hysterical laughter. "Y... You've got to be k-kidding me!" Tom
howled as his circuits approached overload.
"If you did that... every single person in the theater would lapse
into a coma!" Crow gasped between fits of laughter.
"Huh?" Both robots abruptly stopped laughing.
"You're right of course. The public is so bored of the endless
debates and arguments surrounding the O.J. Trial that even the worse
coming attractions filled with the usual clichés would be embraced like
a warm blanket over a shivering newborn. The movie goer would pay
more attention to the preview since it's so much more interesting. Thus
the preview becomes stuck in their subconscious and on opening day,
they'll be lining up like sheep!
"But what if they just closed their eyes during the previews?"
Joel asked, pointing out a major flaw in Dr. Forrester's scheme.
Dr. Forrester chuckled. "They can't hide from them forever.
Even if they manage to evade them at the theater, sooner or later, they'll
catch a glimpse of a movie preview on television. and then they'll be
hooked! The DSS will endure that the audience will *always* be
listening. HA HA HA HA HA!!!"
"Gotta hand it to you, Dr. F, that invention may actually be
considered for a moment before it gets rejected by the Fraternal Order of
Mad Science...." Joel replied sardonically.
"And what little bit of intelligence have you displayed in your
invention, Joel? Hmmm?" Dr. Forrester sneered at him.
"Well, sir...." Joel walked over to a personal computer
logged onto the internet. "My invention is for all the people who are
tired of trying to receive and post messages onto their favorite mailing
list only to find one genuine message among dozens of Spam. Various
companies offering you money, petitions they want you to sign on issues
you couldn't care less about, etc, etc....
"So, what's your point?" Dr. Forrester snapped, unimpressed.
"I've invented a special program for the moderators of such
lists that will eliminate this problem once and for all. Once it's
installed, all the moderator has to do is wait for someone to post a spam
message and... watch!"
Joel checked his e-mail and 1 message was sent through.
header read "FREE MONEY OPPORTUNITY!!!" All of a sudden, an
animated graphic of a white wolf appeared on the screen and howled.
Instantly the message disappeared.
"Voila! No more spam!" Crow exclaimed.
"That's cute, Joel, but there's a simpler way to remove
unwanted spam, the DELETE key perhaps?" Dr. Forrester's voice
was laced with sarcasm.
"But I'm not finished!" Joel continued.
"This program not
only deletes unwanted spam, it replicates it one thousand times and
anonymously sends it back to the address it was posted from. The
spammer soon gets the message and before you know it, the only spam
we'll ever have to endure again is *Test* and *Subscribe/Unsubscribe*
"Well, you can't have everything in life...." Crow remarked.
"I've decided to call it *Pretty Spammy*. What do you think,
sir?" Joel asked.
Dr. Forrester has a sour look on his face as he replied.
"Spiffy. Simply Spiffy." Then the smile returned when he realized
what time it was now. "I've been looking forward to this week, Joel.
Would you like to know why?"
"Uh... because you've got another bad fanfic to torture us
with? Just guessing?" Joel replied.
"Yes... but this fanfic that I've managed to acquire is truly
one of the worst, or should I say the best, for me." The doctor
chuckled. "This isn't just a bad Sailor Moon lemon story... It's a
SOUR Sailor Moon Lemon story, guaranteed to make even the most
depraved hentai fan run for the nearest toilet. Enjoy it Joel,
Enjoy... Artemis's Lover by Oscar and I don't mean Wilde!" HA HA
HA HA!!! Send them the fanfic, Frank...."
"Done and Done, sir." Frank replied.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Crow looked over at Joel. "What do you suppose Dr. F meant
by that, Joel?"
Joel shrugged. "Maybe he's found another Manos...."
Tom was busy playing with Joel's Pretty Spammy Program.
"What the....!?!" he suddenly exclaimed. "That's weird... the entire
program just went dead... oh wait, it's back up again... now it's down...
"Let me see...." Joel started to walk towards the computer
when alarms and sirens suddenly made their presence known.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It a four-way X pattern, the pieces retracting into the doorframe.)
(Door 5: It drops into the floor.)
(Door 4: It falls towards you, missing your foot by millimeters.)
(Door 3: It is made up of small metal spikes that retract to form a doorway.)
(Door 2. It's rubber strips from a car wash, complete with soap.)
(Door 1: It swirls open from the center.)
(Door .7: The camera pans downward where a small hatch pops open.)
Joel walks into the theater with Tom in his arms, Crow
following close behind. Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom
from entering the theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of
the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.
"Ever notice how much better the door sequence is now that
our budget has finally been approved." Crow remarked as he wiped
some soap off of his shoulder and the fanfic began....
>Oscar allias"Artemis's lover"
Crow: Oh man, it's another self-insertion fic. Geez....
Joel: Come on Crow, don't be a grouch.
Tom: It's the fonso!
Crow: Ayyyyyyyy... this fic bites!
>Hi, i'm Oscar, i'm 13 years old,
Joel: And already writing lemons. Way to go!
Tom: Does your mother know you're writing this... badly?
>and this is my little white companion, Artemis. Anyway Artemis &
>are much more than just amaster and a pet , its more like a human-cat
Crow: He's one of the cat people! Run for your nine lives!
>Cuz when i'm home alone....well....i...him...we...well "have sex"
>actually we just masturbate each other.
Crow: @ _ @ (Crow faints)
Tom: ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!! (Tom's head explodes with a flash
of pyrotechnics and a shower of sparks)
Joel: Guys! Snap out of it! We can't abandon the reader
now! He'll be
all alone with this fanfic! It's too cruel!
Joel: Guys, if you don't get a hold of yourselves, we'll just have to
another bad Sailor Moon lemon in the future! It's only a matter of time....
Crow: (Gets up from the floor) Oh all right, but any more bestiality
and I'm going to puke my socks up!
Tom: (his head blackened with soot) You owe us BIG TIME for this
Joel: Hey, it's not my fault! Blame Dr. F! Better yet, blame
>But it's amazing, it's like this cat can talk!, he comes every night
>my bedroom door, and starts meowing, until i let him in, and when
>he does, he starts meowing a little softer and purrs, shall we say
>"erotically". Until i get with him on the bed and goes down my crotch
>trying to shred my underwear!.
Crow: Mpph! (Crow covers his mouth and turns an even deeper green.)
Joel: Don't do it Crow! Chew it back! Chew it back!
Tom: <chanting> There's no place like home... There's no place like
>Unbelivable, but true, that's why i called him Artemis.
Crow: This guy should be on Oprah....
Tom: "Horny underaged lemon writers and the felines who love
them." on the next Geraldo....
>Intro: "Hi, i'm Oscar". "And i'm Artemis, Minako's ex-white cat"..."
Crow: And I'm a airsick bag, excuse me Joel....
(Crow rushes off and the sounds of ralphing can be heard in the distance)
Tom: So Artemis dyed his fur then?
>we're here to tell you, how we met, how we fell in love with each other,
>and well how we lost our virginity. Oscar's an Hermaphrodite, i.e.=a
>boy that has a dick and pussy (with clit and everything) at the same
Tom: We know what a hermaphrodite is. Don't insult our intelligence.
Crow: Too late.
Joel: <singing> Imagine all the people....
Tom: And a 13 year old wrote this thing?!?
Crow: I'm against censorship but in this case I make an exception.
Tom: Then you're for censorship aren't you?
Crow: Bite me!
>"HEY!!!SHUT THE FUCK UP ARTEMIS!!" "Oops!sorry, Oscar"
>"Well, nevermind Artemis,soooo let's get on with the show!"
Crow: Oh lord, that was just the prologue?!?
Tom: I never thought I'd say this... But Dr. Forrester may have finally
found the fanfic that breaks our spirits....
Joel: Don't talk like that! We survived countless bad movies and
fanfics, we can survive this....
>The day was unusually fresh, for being June/2/97 ,
Tom: The cheese factories having been closed down and all skunks
ejected from the premises....
Crow: <sniffles> Ahh, June... A very good month....
Joel: Wait a minute... It's still May! This fanfic is from
sent a week into the past!
Tom: Say, maybe if we spread the word around now, we can prevent
it from ever being written!
Joel: No guys, we can't interfere with the space time continuum or it
could lead to a paradox.
Tom: Says who?
Joel: "Back to the Future" and umpteen billion Star Trek fics.
>Oscar was walking on a lonely street,
Joel: He get the funniest looks from everyone he meets.
>only with a Sprite bottle, and a WWF magazine.
Tom: Oh, I'll bet he's a huge fan of wildlife....
Crow: Either that or he's hot for Shawn Michaels....
Joel: Product placements in movies were bad enough....
Crow: Yeah, but usually the company *WANTS* their product to be in
>His toughts were racing on why he was so depress,
Joel: I tought I thaw a putty tat!
>he had always spyed on the sailor scouts, ever since luna caught up
Tom: <Luna> Now I have you my pretty!
Crow: I spy with my little eye... Short sailor skirts and cleavage
>but most of all, when Artemis joined the group. He always
>tought "Why am i obsesed with that cat?" he than realized he had a
>crush on Artemis!! , even tough he was a boy, even tough Artemis
>was a cat.
Joel: And together the tough guys with tough love went to Las
Vegas to win the tough man competition but lost in the
Crow: Tough luck.
Tom: Refresh my memory Joel. Did the author say he was 13 or 3?
Crow: We don't even need to make jokes, this fanfic is a barrel of
laughs in itself....
>But not an ordinary cat that is. He then squeezed the bottle so hard,
>blew up, soaking his shirt, his pants, and his tennis.
Joel: Do you think the author did that for sprite?
Tom: Tell me, Crow, how's your tennis doing today?
Crow: <Jim Carrey> Aces, Tom!
>He was upset to know that he was in love with a cat! He knew were
>Minako lived, her adress, her phone number,
Crow: Her measurements?
Tom: Her turn-ons?
>and her P.O.BOX.
Joel: Do you want to continue reading fanfics like this one?
Crow: If not, send cash or money order to P.O. BOX 3M TA3,
Satellite of Love.
Tom: 3M innovations. Look at what we won't bring you!
Joel: Please contribute. Our sanity depends on your generosity....
>He said to himself "I'll do it...but i'll probably hate myself in the
>morning" he ran to his house, ihis bedroom, and started to write a
>letter to Artemis, sending it to Minako's place.
All: <hum the theme to Melrose's Place>
Joel: Actually, I don't watch that show myself....
Crow: Sure, Joel.
>The next day, Minkao checked the mail and gasped when she saw
>an envelope that readed"To:Artemis From:.......".
All: <singing> Connect the dots... La la la la....
>She then yelled "Artemis!", Artemis still asleep, yawned and
>stretched the last bit of sleep from his beautyfull little body ."What is
>it Minako?" he asked,still asleep.
Crow: I thought he stretched the last bit of sleep from his... himself.
Tom: <singing> Beautiful Dreamer....
>"Artemis, you have a letter!" said Minako,giving him the envelope.
All: SHE SAID YOU HAVE A LETTER!!!
>"How can someone know my name, and my hability to talk?"he
>said shreding-open he envelope,
Tom: Not to mention his *inhability* to spell....
>and said to Minako"Minako-chan, could you leave me alone for a
>moment?". "Sure" replied Minako, stepping out of the bedroom.
>Artemis readed the letter that said:
Crow: Thank you for submitting your application to join the Samurai
Pizza Cats. However, we regret to inform you that your resume does
not suit our present needs. Sincerely, Polly Ester.
>"Dear Artemis:You don't know who i am, don't know what i am, don't
>know anything about me. But belive me......i know everything there's
>to know about you...
Joel: So he's on a need to know basis?
Tom: He said knowingly....
Crow: He's Nowhere Man!
Tom: This fanfic is going nowhere fast....
>i liked you since the moment i saw you. No one deserves you but me.
>Some day, some time,
All: <singing> There's a place for us....
>at the right moment, we'll meet.and i'll have you. Until then see ya!
All: <singing> Every step you take, every move you make, I'll be
>Artemis gulped hard, and shivered, thinking that i would kill him.
>Minako entered the bedroom and said"Artemis, is everything all right?"
>Artemis looked whiter than usual
Joel: He's so white, he makes bleach look dark!
Crow: He's turning into Michael Jackson?
Tom: <singing> White, White, Baby....
>"Yes quite fine" and left the room with a sigh.Minako looked for the
>letter but he had thrown it to the window.
Crow: He's at the 30... the 20... No one will catch the window....
Tom: <evil voice> Come to my Window, Mina....
Joel: Shh! Chris might be reading this!
>"I hope he's all right" Minako said stepping into the shower.
Joel: <makes sound effects of violins screeching>
Crow: Norman! Norman! Fetch me my tea and a rusty axe....
Tom: Mina, we hardly knew ye!
>Artemis knew that he'd better be on the look out, if someone tried
>kidnap him.He had the same secuence in his mind, every second it
Joel: What's a secuence?
Crow: Sequence? Sequins? Sea Quest?
Crow: Fanfic begone! Fanfic begone!
Tom: Didn't work.
>Asking himself things like= "Who's that person?" "Is he good
>or evil?" "What he'll do to me?".
All: <singing> Will he be famous? Will he be rich?
>Around 9:00 pm Artemis showed up at Minako's house,curved up into
>a fuzzy ball and went to sleep. The next day Artemis woke up to the
>sound of chriiping birds "Damn birds"he said woking up.He got up
>before Minako did,
Joel: Yeah, I wonder what's taking Minako so long to come out of the
Tom: Gee, I couldn't begin to imagine....
Crow: Maybe *the birds* had something to do with it?
Tom: <evil voice> Nonsense, how could *the birds* hurt anyone....
>so he went for a walk. Unfortunatelly, Luna caught him, "Hello
>Artemis,why are you so concerned". Artemis replied "Well luna, last
>day i recieved a letter from a secret person" Luna gasped"WHAT?!?
All: HE SAID HE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM A SECRET
>That's impossible, no one except our sailor scouts know our name's
>and hability to talk"
Crow: And my weakness for grammar and spelling....
>Artemis still upset responded "I know...it told me that, it liked me
>since it saw me, and that some day i'll meet it" Luna sighed "Well,
>lets hope that's not the negaverse." Atemis looked at luna and said
>"CAN'T YOU THINK ANYTHING THAT'S NOT THE
>NEGAVERSE?!" he frogned and left her.
Crow: Yeah! Stop being so damn negative!
Tom: Is the author making up words as he goes along?
Crow: Frogned... Isn't that Swedish?
Tom: Yeah, just like the Borg.
Crow: <Borg> SPELLING IS IRRELEVANT... PLOT IS
IRRELEVANT... GRAMMAR IS IRRELEVANT... YOU WILL BE
NAUSEATED... RESISTANCE IS POINTLESS... WE... ARE OSCAR....
Joel: Not bad....
>"Luna said to herself
>"Poor Artemis, it's not his fault" and just continued her path.
>Artemis was too perturbated to notice the 6 cats that were hcasing
Crow: There's two more new words... perturbated and hcasing.
Joel: Hcasing the joint....
Tom: More like hsmoking it....
>"Damn! i hate being such a sexy cat!!"
Tom: Don't hate me because I'm beautiful....
Crow: <singing> I'm... too sexy for my fur... too sexy for my fur,
without it I go brrr....
Joel: Take me home, Crow.
Crow: I'm trying....
>Then a loud MEOW filled the air
Joel: Supreme Catatonic?
>Artemis turned his back, and saw the other cats him "GET FUCK OFF
>MY BACK!YOU BASTARDS, I'M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD
Crow: <Artemis> I'M STUCK IN THIS CRUMMY FANFIC, I CAN'T
SPELL TO SAVE MY LIFE AND I'M ALL OUT OF BUBBLEGUM!
Tom: Artemis is back and he's pissed off!
Joel: <Bruce Campbell> The next one of you primates... even
>he said as he prepared his claws and teeth to fight, he knew that
>he'll lost, but he couldn't just let those cats kick his butt without a
>fight. The fight was rough, those cats began ripping him off,
Joel: Hey, quit kneeing me in the groin! No fair!
Tom: It's Bowe Vs Golota all over again!
>cutting him in the stomach, his arm, his leg, his back and his ear.
Crow: Body blow! Body blow!
Tom: <Gorilla Monsoon> He's busted wide open....
Joel: <Sylvester Stallone> Cut me Mick! Cut me!
>Oscar was aruond that fight, returning from a baseball game, with
>his bat on the shoulder. Artemis was already badly wounded, and
>bleeding to death.
Tom and Crow: <hum theme to Platoon>
Joel: There was no joy in mudville....
>Oscar passed by the alley were Artemis was. Oscar gasped as he
>instantly recognized Artemis, he took his bat and ran to help him,
Joel: The Bat... The Cat... The Hermaphrodite... OSCAR RETURNS.
Coming to a porno theater near you, check local listings for showtimes.
Crow: Something tells me he already has a young ward....
>he hitted 3 cats simultaneusly with it. BOOMSHACALAKA!
Tom: Oh great, Now he's doing impressions of NBA Jam.
Crow: I hope the author's *on fire.*
>blood spurted out from the craneum of the other cats,he actually broke
>the head of the one that wounded Artemis!
Tom: When you've got a headache THIS big....
Crow: If you want to write a lemon you gotta break some skulls.
Joel: <singing> Going out of my head... over you....
>The cats laid around dead, as Oscar grabbed Artemis, and huged him
Crow: It's the attack of the 50 foot Artemis!
Joel: The Amazing Colossal Cat.
Tom: <megaphone voice> PUT... THE HERMAPHRODITE... DOWN....
>tightly, while covering him with his shirt, Artemis saw Oscar and he
>said weakly "W...Who are you?" then every thing went black...Oscar,
>with tears in his eyes, said to Artemis "Don't worry my dear Artemis,
>you'll be allright".
All: <singing> But the cat came back... The very next day....
>Artemis woke up to the sound of a door closing.Oscar saw this and said
>crying "Artemis!!Thank god you're alive!!" Artemis tought "How does
>he know my name?" Artemis just meowed Oscar hearing this said "Oh
>Artemis, you don't have to pretend with me. It's all right you can
>talk". "Who are you?"Artemis asked still sour from the fight.
Joel: Hey, if I had six cats beat the living crap out of me, I'd have
Crow: <Artemis> Damn it! Just one more eye poke and I would
shown them all!
Tom: <singing> Fat and weak... what a disgrace....
>Oscar took a deep breath...and said "Artemis, i'm that guy who sent
>you that letter". Artemis gasped "WHAT?!?
All: HE SAID HE'S THE GUY WHO SENT YOU THAT LETTER!!!
Crow: Doesn't anyone listen anymore?
>So you're the one!". Oscar looked a little scared and said "Sorry
>Artemis, i didn't meant to scare you. But how could i said my feelings
>to you in person?" Artemis coughed "hmmmm...you may have a point
Joel: Yeah, walking up to the door, calling on the telephone, leaving
an e-mail, sending a candy gram, they're all too impersonal....
>Oscar looked him straight in the eyes and said "Artemis,
>i....i....love you. ever since i saw you, i knew it was our destiny to be
>together" Artemis got a little embarrased and said "I some how, feel
>the same for you Oscar,
Tom: Only because it's in the script. Otherwise I spit on your
Joel: What would the ASPCA say?
Crow: Neutering comes to mind....
>but doesn't it matter that you're a human and i'm a cat? Oscar blushed
>and said"Well Artemis, i have a little secret you know...." Artemis
>looked him with an evilly smile "Hmmm. What secret?"
Tom: Strong enough for a man but made for a woman?
Crow: I'm not only the hair club president, I'm also a client?
>Oscar took another deep breath and said "Artemis..i'm an
>HERMAPHRODITE" Artemis went wide eyed "NO KIDDING?".
>Oscar said "No" as he started to undress, Artemis was paralized,
Tom: I AM NOMAD... THIS FANFIC IS IMPERFECT... PARALYZE...
Joel: Faster Pussycat! Thrill! Thrill!
Crow: That's sick, Joel.
Joel: Hey, you can't have all the good sex lines....
>as he looked Oscar's dick, and below that his pussy,
Joel: Okay, you guys, I call no singing the theme to 'The Crying Game'.
Crow: I'm already crying and it ain't no game....
Tom: I'm too ill to open my mouth right now....
>Artemis had a goofy smile on his face. Oscar gasped "Uh? Oh you
>PERVERT!!" and slapped him silly "MEOWUCH!!". "Oops!sorry
>Artemis, how could i stay mad at you?"
Tom: Boy, talk about mood swings. He really is a man and a woman.
Crow: How often do you think he/she has her period?
Tom: Well, I would guess....
Joel: Guys! Please! There are too many feminine hygiene
commercials as it is! Let's keep them out of here, shall we?
>he then said "Now look Artemis, your wounds will get infected if
>i don't clean them,ok?" Artemis happily said "OK". And so Oscar
>turned the shower on, Artemis went inside with Oscar,and cleaned
>his soft fur,
Joel: <Oscar> Hey! What's Mina's bloody corpse doing in here?
Crow: Good, Oscar and Artemis enter the shower and they die. I
live with that ending. Really, I mean it!
>Artemis enjoyed Oscar's tact, rubbing his fur with a desinfectant soap,
>while purring softly, he didn't like baths very much, but this was with
>his lover, so how could he resist a bath with his true love?
Crow: How can I resist the urge to run out of the theater?!?
Joel: We have to stick with it... for the reader's sake.
Crow: To hell with the reader! I want my mother!
Tom: Joel's your mother, Crow.
Crow: No... No! That's not true... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!?!??
Tom: Search your feelings... You know it to be true....
Crow: NOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Joel: Guys, your creator is going to *strike back* if you don't pipe
>Then, they laid in the bed all stretched out, with Artemis's wounds
>closed. Artemis broke the silence saying "Soooo" Oscar replied "Soo
Joel: Soon Yi?
Crow: This fanfic will be over soon?
Tom: We can only hope.
>Artemis said evily "Are you still a virgin?" Oscar responded a little
>embarrased "Why yes, in fact i have been saved myself for you...my
>love" Oscar said, as he hugged Artemis and kissed in his lips,
Crow: Oh YUCK, he's sucking face!
Tom: WARNING! WARNING! JOEL ROBINSON!!!! SELF-DESTRUCT
SEQUENCE ENGAGED!!! YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO REMOVE
US FROM THE THEATER OR BE DESTROYED!!!
Joel: Nice try, Tom. I created you and you don't have a self-destruct
Crow: Maybe not, but he has something much worse... His Anthony
>Artemis eventually opened his mouth letting Oscar's tounge to play
Crow: Cat got your tongue... uggh... even as I was saying it, I felt dirty....
(Tom starts to vibrate slightly)
>Oscar then went south, caressing all of Artemis's parts along
>the way with his tounge. He didn't care for his fur.And reached his
>little dick,stroking it with his fingers, and licking it as if it was a clit.
Tom: ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!! (Tom's head explodes again but his body
continues to shake harder.)
Crow: That's it! We're leaving! We concede defeat to Dr. Forrester!
Crow: NO MORE!!! WE'RE DONE!!!
Joel: OKAY OKAY!!!! We'll close our eyes until the sex scene is
over! But we have to pretend to be bored with the whole thing later,
and that it didn't bother us or Dr. Forrester will unleash it on the
(Joel and Crow close their eyes.)
Joel: Still with me, guys?
Crow: <scared voice> Y-Yeah....
Joel: Tom, you okay?
Crow: That's not funny, Tom!
Joel: Come on, Tom, You're scaring Crow half to death.
Joel opens his eyes as he hears Crow suddenly scream in
terror. He is surprised to see Tom attacking Crow with the agility of
a cat. While his arms continued to be useless, he was using the power
of his hoverjets to propel himself at Crow who was now trying to get
to his feet with little success thanks to Tom constantly knocking him
Crow: Joel! Help me! I know what's wrong with Tom!
Crow: The trauma from seeing Artemis's Lover has caused him to
accidentally learn the Cat-Fist! We've got to find a way to calm him
Joel: How? We can't leave the theater until the movie's over!
Crow: Do we have any catnip?
Crow: A electric can opener?
Joel: No, Crow, We don't have any of those things!
Crow thought to himself for a moment then an idea flashed in
Crow: Joel, you're his creator. Maybe you can comfort him, talk
down or something....
Joel: What do I say?
Crow: I don't know but hurry up! My body wasn't designed to be
Joel cautiously approaches Tom, who continued to ram
himself against Crow, meowing and hissing with anger.
Joel: Tom? Here, Tom....
Tom paused in his ramming to stare at Joel.
Joel: That's right Tom... It's me, your creator....
Tom hesitated and then rushed towards Joel.
Crow: Joel, look out!
Joel braced himself, unable to do much else. He was surprised
when, instead of a bone-crushing impact, Tom was nuzzling against his
leg and purring like a kitten.
Crow: Hey, you did it, Joel!
Joel: Great. Now what?
Crow: Well, is the sex scene over yet?
Joel snuck a peek at the screen.
Joel: Hey! Yeah, it's over! Let's get back into our seats!
Joel and Crow quickly take their seats and Joel places Tom
back in his.
Joel: You okay, Tom?
Tom: <coughing> I-Is is over?
Joel: Almost, little buddy. Just hang in there a bit longer....
>The next day...Oscar woke up and didn't saw Artemis
>anywhere,he grew concerned, "Artemis!?" he shouted to see if he was
>around, he looked everywhere, but only found a note that said
Crow: Dear Oscar, we think you are a sick perverted freak and thus
would be ideal to star in our new Special for Comedy Central: "Oscar:
Spayed at Birth."
Joel: Dear Oscar, I've been lying to you all along. Last night
just a one time thing. You see I've already given my heart to
someone else. He's got a man and a woman's genitalia as well. I
met him in Nerima district....
Tom: Dear Oscar, Your bill comes to $1000. Cash delivery will
expected upon three days of our meeting or I will send out a couple
of my senshi to *handle* things for me....
Joel: Glad to see you're back to normal, Tom.
>"Dear Oscar=I went over to Minako's house to talk about what just
>happened between you and me, i'll be all right, i'll return for about
>10:00am. Love you Artemis
Tom: Don't worry Artemis... I just wanted to... heh heh heh... talk
Crow: Nothing special... Just a nice relaxing shower together....
Joel: You guys... enough with the Psycho jokes already....
>It was 9:35am. when Artemis returned, Oscar asked him "Soo, how
>did everything went?" Artemis responded "Well...it was hard to
>Minako and the others tho admit, that i was in love with a
>hermaphrodite, but they at the end understood. even Luna"
Joel: <Mina, sobbing> He had his fill of me and then threw
Oh the humanity!
Tom: <Luna> I never had any doubt....
Crow: This is sounding more and more like a soap opera....
Joel: Just remember guys, this fanfic only has One Life To Live....
>Artemis sighed . Oscar said "Well,i'll protect you in every battle
>go with the sailor scouts" Artemis looked happy to hear that "Thanks
>Oscar, You're indeed a great person....and boyfriend" Oscar replied
>"Right" and they went to the kitchen to eat.....
Crow: Oh, thank god that's over!
Tom: I lost two heads and turned into a cat but I'm still alive!
Joel: Yep, the next fanfic should be a lot easier to sit through
Tom and Crow: It had better be Joel....
Crow and Tom: FOR NOW?!?!? ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!!!!
Joel: Let's get out of here....
* * *
Dr. Forrester could barely contain himself as he eagerly
awaited Joel and his bots to emerge from the theater. If everything
had gone according to his plan, he would be ruling the world in a
matter of hours....
Finally, he saw them as they left the theater. To his dismay,
they seemed to be nonchalant. Fighting off his paranoia, Dr.
Forrester decided to call them. A few moments later, they appeared on
"Well, now, how did you enjoy my latest experiment, Joel?
I'll bet it was the cat's meow, eh?" Dr. Forrester chuckled with sadistic
"Nah, it wasn't that bad." Joel yawned.
"We've seen a lot worse." Crow said in a sleepy voice.
"Yep... Another day... Another fanfic...." Tom added in
"Come on guys, I think we could use some down time in the
Holocabana...." Joel said as he and the bots started to walk away.
Dr. Forrester's face turned a very interesting shade of
purple as he realized he had been foiled again. "Damn you! One day
I'll find the fanfic to break your spirits and then we'll see who laughs
at whom! Push the button, Frank!"
Frank appeared from underneath a console. "It'll be a few
seconds, Dr. F. I had to replace the wires for it, they were fraying
under the strain...."
"Well, hurry up! So I don't have to endure this humiliation
from the readers anymore." Dr. Forrester growled as he retreated into
his room, silently vowing to find a better fanfic to torture them with....
Okay, Dr. F. It's fixe...."
THE REAL END.
(Feel free to hum the closing theme as you read my author's notes.)
And as my second MSTing comes to a close, I'd like to once again
thank Timothy McLees, Zen, Keener, and Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong for
their advice and valuable C&C.
Also, I hope Whitewolf doesn't mind me parodying him a little bit
about the FFML, if he did, you'll know why I haven't been posting
anything lately. ;)
I believe my next MSTing will be a non-lemon story. After Artemis's
Lover, I need a break from lemons. I have a few titles I'm looking
over but nothing is written in stone yet.
C&C, as always, is appreciated. (email@example.com)
Feel free to
send in any anime fanfic that you would like to see MSTed and I'll take
a look at it. Also, if you're interested in seeing any previous episodes
of this series, I'll be happy to e-mail them to you. ;)
A MSTing for all Seasons
A full archive of all Mystery Science Theater 6.7 episodes, Megane 6.7
fanfiction, and collaborations!
Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0
http://svhp.webjump.com/ (Contains links to my MSTings and fanfics)
(Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/)
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER
CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic)
201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM/SPAWN Crossover)
204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic)
205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon)
206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover)
207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari
(Mutiple Crossover Lemon)
208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic)
209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon)
210- "URUSEI YATSURA: THE KIDNAPPING" by Shutaro Mendou
301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon)
302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic)
303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic)
304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON"
by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic)
306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon)
307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic)
308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent
101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY!
102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET!
104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!
OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO
"DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
"MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover)
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
"THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon)
"9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon)
'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE!
(Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle)
Website Number 9 MSTings
"THE DAY OF EMERGENCE" by Jeffrey Lee
(Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover)
"REDHEADS" by Robert Haynie
(Slayers/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING
Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page
The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong
'Suicide Blast' by: Keener
Additional links for Keener's stuff
Flashman's Flash Point
Website Number 9 MSTings
Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page!
A Sailor Moon Romance
Zen's Fanfiction Page
Sean Gaffney's Webpage
"Oscar's an Hermaphrodite, i.e.= a boy that has a dick and pussy (with
clit and everything) at the same time!!imagen that!"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....