*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SHORTY!)
EPISODE 4: THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!
(A MSTing of an Ad)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 (megane67@rogers.com
)
This is a MSTing of an advertisement created by another company.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
Note: If you haven't read the first three shorties, please do so as it will
help you understand the host segments a little better. :)
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
DEEP 13
The sounds of off-key singing could be faintly heard through
the shower door as TV's Frank carefully placed a pile of extra fluffy
towels on the bathroom counter next to another neatly folded pile of
clothes.
"Well, that takes care of the laundry. Guess I'll go clean out
the nuclear waste depository... oh wait, I just did that an hour ago.
Ummm... I know! I could start preparing dinner for... oh wait, it's
only one-thirty...."
Frank sighed as he leaned against the bathroom counter and glanced
at his somber reflection in the mirror. He simply couldn't deny it anymore.
As crazy as it seemed, he missed Dr. Forrester.
At first, he had been delighted to go days, even weeks without being
crushed, mutilated or dismembered in any way. Dr. Erhardt actually treated him with
a healthy measure of respect, often not allowing him to do the dangerous, immoral
experiments that Dr. Forrester had insisted upon on a daily basis. And while it was
reassuring to see his surgical scars finally have time to scab over, it just wasn't
the same around Deep 13.
It had gotten so bad that Frank had taken to traveling up to the surface
the last few days. Once there, Frank would simply stare up at the sun, humming
to himself quietly. After Dr. Erhardt was forced to replace Frank's burned out retinas
for the third time, he ordered Frank to stay in Deep 13 until he was ready to deal with
whatever was bothering him.
Now as Frank waited patiently for Dr. Erhardt to emerge from the shower for
his toweling off, he found himself wanting to ask the question that had been on his
mind since he'd woken up this morning.
"Ummmm... Dr. E?"
"Huh? What?" The voice of Dr. Erhardt yelled back, clearly
distracted.
"I was just thinking...." Frank began. "Do you think maybe Dr. F
suffered enough and we could let him out now?" he asked in all innocence.
"Come again?" Dr. Erhardt strained to hear what Frank was
saying over the roar of the jumbo shower head that Dr. Forrester had
chosen to install in his shower. His hands and hair were covered in shampoo
and he shouted back. "I can't hear you! Whatever it is, don't worry about it!
I trust you!"
Frank couldn't hear Dr. Erhardt's reply clearly and walked over to
the shower door. "Come again?" he asked in a louder voice.
"I said, I trust you! Go ahead!" Dr. Erhardt
exclaimed, his attention
elsewhere.
Frank blinked in surprise. "You... You really think so?" he replied,
excitedly.
"Sure, yeah, don't worry about it!" Dr. Erhardt replied.
"Okay, I'll go let him out right away! Thanks, Larry!" Frank said
as he rushed out of the bathroom, slamming the door shut.
"Huh? Oh, just a minute!" Dr. Erhardt grumbled as he finally
stuck his head out of the shower and was puzzled to see the bathroom was
deserted.
'Frank?"
There was no reply. Shrugging, he slipped back into the shower and
closed the door.
* * *
"Ahhhhhhh...." Dr. Erhardt sighed as he emerged from the
bathroom, dressed in his usual ensemble. "I feel Zestfully clean, my scalp
is tingling, my skin feels silky smooth, my hands, Palmolive soft, and
boy am I glad I don't use dial, I wouldn't wish that crap on anybody!"
Dr. Erhardt walked over to the console and activated the viewscreen.
A few moments later, Joel Robinson, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot appeared
on the screen.
"Greetings, friends of Bill Evil! I'm in a really good mood today so
you can start the invention exchange this week. Don't let it go to your head now!"
There was silence from the viewscreen. Joel's mouth was moving but no
sound was coming out. Frowning, Dr. Erhardt fiddled with the controls, then
scanned them slowly, looking for the mute button. As he did so, he failed to
notice Joel and the bots frantically gesturing at him, their mouths screaming
something he couldn't hear. When he eventually found the mute button, he
pressed it just in time to hear a trio of voices cry out.
"...IND YOU!!! HE'S BEHIND YOU!!!"
Puzzled, Dr. Erhardt glanced over his shoulder.
*WHAM!!!*
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
The screen suddenly went blank as the cries of warning from the trio
died down. "How come he didn't hear us? Is he deaf or what?!?" Crow exclaimed
as he watched the screen.
"Oh well, we gave it a shot. Let's go get some grub," Tom said as he
and Crow started to leave.
"Hold on, guys. I don't think we have that luxury yet," Joel cautioned as
the screen suddenly flickered back to life, revealing the disheveled form of Dr.
Clayton Forrester. His lab coat was shredded in several places and his overall
appearance suggested he had been to quite a few exotic locations in the last few
weeks. He gazed coldly at the trio for a long moment, and then he suddenly
broke into a smile, his eyes almost twinkling.
"Well, boobies, it's been a hell of a few weeks but it feels good to be
back! But, you know what? It feels even better to see each and every one of
you right where I left you! TRAPPED in space, TORMENTED by bad literature
and TOTALLY at my collective mercy! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!" Dr. Forrester
sneered at them, his voice triumphant.
"Terrific...." the bots muttered together.
"Ummmm, we missed you too, sir. Did you bring us anything?" Joel
asked innocently.
"No!" Dr. Forrester was indignant.
"Not even a T-shirt that berates you for visiting a tourist trap and
getting nothing but itself?" Crow asked.
"NO! Now stop stalling, ninnyhammers, and get on with the
invention exchange!" Dr. Forrester snapped.
Joel shrugged and gestured down at the counter where his invention
was already set up. "For a long time now, people have been complaining about
the game controller for the Nintendo 64 as being too clumsy and awkward.
Likewise, it costs a lot of money to get a decent controller. So I decided to
invent this. The 'Build Your Own Game Controller Kit'!"
Joel pointed at a large pile of plastic pieces, all of them in various
shapes and sizes. "There's 1000 separate pieces here, enough to build four
controllers, and pocket sized cards for the electronics so now you can custom
build your controller to virtually any shape and configuration you want! I've
even included felt samples so you can prevent numb thumb and permanent
scarring to your fingertips.
"But the best part of all is that this controller can be custom-made
to work on any gaming system! Check out all the adapter plugs!" Cambot
panned over the plugs; the familiar shapes of various Nintendo, Sega,
Playstation, Neo-Geo and several other plugs could be seen.
"So why pay big money for one decent game controller when you can
pay less and get *four* custom made, extremely compatible, game controllers!
We also include a booklet with some tips and example of custom-made controllers
to get you started," Joel added.
"Trade and compare designs with your friends!" Tom chimed in.
"What'd think, sir?" Joel finished.
* * *
DEEP 13
"As usual, Joel, your invention absolutely fails to evoke the
slightest iota of awe and wonder from me," Dr. Forrester replied with
a sneer.
"Aw, you never like anything I invent...." Joel grumbled.
"Are you really that surprised, Joel? After all, I hate your guts
and I relish the thought of sending you and your robot rascals into a swirling
whirlpool of madness, death and oblivion... ahhh, mostly madness. You must
admit when I feel this way it's hard to actually get up the energy to even
attempt to pretend that I give a rat's ass about your inventions," Dr.
Forrester pointed out.
"Gee sir, when you put it that way...." Joel replied sarcastically.
"I yam what I yam," Dr. Forrester continued. "But enough about
me, already, let's get to you three. Your experiment this week is another
spam-ridden piece of crap that gives even the most calm and rational
person something to be fearful of. Yes, this program may very well usher
in a new era of McCarthyism if enough shmoes buy into it. So, without
further delay, I give you: 'The Internet Spy and You!!' Read it and weep,
Joel! And I *do* mean weep! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
"Wait! One more question before you go!" Tom suddenly spoke up.
"Make it quick!" Dr. Forrester snapped in annoyance.
"What happened to Frank and Dr. E anyway?"
Dr. Forrester's only response was a smile as the viewscreen winked out.
* * *
THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
Tom turned to Joel and Crow. "Why? Why do all mad scientists do that?
I ask a simple question and all they do is smile at me? WHY?!?" Tom exclaimed.
"I think it's so Megane 6.7 can build up suspense as to their fate later in
the MSTing," Crow replied.
"Huh? Oh, so it's YOUR doing, huh?" Tom looked in your direction but
only saw you, the reader, meekly staring back. "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to blame
you. See, the author is usually in that direction too and... oh, never mind."
Joel nodded and turned to you. "Don't mind him, the author's just
experimenting with the forth wall right now as a way to fill time until the
lights and...."
Suddenly alarms and sirens rang out.
"There we go! Oops, I mean, OHHHH, WE'VE GOT SHORTY
SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you
move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
>Subject:
>The Internet Spy And You!!
Joel: Me? Does this program expect us to talk?
Crow: No, Mr. Joel, it expects us to buy.
>Date:
Sat, 5 Jun 1999 17:21:42 -0500
>From:
delivery2@iname.com
>To:
persons@prodigy.net
>Please see disclaimers at the end of this mailing.
Joel: So you won't know how much porn this has until you finish it.
>"THE INTERNET SPY"
Tom: ...that shagged me.
Joel: Actually, spam's been shagging us for quite some time.
>WE SHOW YOU HOW TO GET THE FACTS ON ANYONE!
Crow: Even Jack?
>CONFIDENTIAL
Joel: Remember, this spam is just between you, us, and the fifty million
other people we sent this to.
>The SOFTWARE They Want BANNED In all 50 STATES.
Crow: <Bill Gates> Take that, Linux! Now EVERYONE will HAVE
to buy WINDOWS 98! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
>Why?
Tom: Uhhhh... Because its advertisers make fraudulent claims? Just
a guess.
>Because these secrets were never intended to reach your eyes...
Crow: Your wallet, on the other hand....
>Get the facts on anyone using the Internet!
Joel: Yeah, who needs the program we're offering when the internet
can track down anyone by itself!
>Locate Missing Persons,
Tom: Linberg Baby? Jimmy Hoffa? You out there?
Crow: Sure, we COULD give this software to the police so they could
find missing children but what the hey....
>find Lost Relatives,
Joel: Find them? It took me years to shake them in the first place!
>obtain Addresses and Phone Numbers of old school friends,
Crow: And sell them to telemarketers for a huge profit!
Tom: Use Lots of Capital Letters! Impress All of Your Friends!
>even Skip Trace Dead Beat Spouses.
Tom: We're the National Enquirer of Spam!
Joel: Skip Trace? Doesn't sound very accurate to me.
>This is not a Private Investigator,
Crow: It's a down and out gumshoe named Spade.
>but a sophisticated SOFTWARE program DESIGNED to automatically
>CRACK YOUR CASE with links to thousands of Public Record
>databases.
Crow: <starts humming the Mission Impossible theme>
Joel: Assuming of course, you're a detective with said case to crack.
Tom: Not to MENTION capitalizing RANDOM words to make us sound
DYNAMIC AND HIP to the sucke... er... CONSUMERS!
>Find out SECRETS about your relatives, friends, enemies,
Tom: ...the caramilk bar, Chinese laundry detergents, deodorant....
Joel: It's like having your own personal Nabiki Tendo at your fingertips!
Crow: Sayyyyyyy....
>and everyone else! -- even your spouse!
Joel: Uh, honey? Why are you posting nude photos of yourself on the
adult newsgroups? Come to think of it, does this have anything to
do with our phone bills being so high lately?
>With the New, INTERNET SPY AND YOU!
Crow: Yes, you too can join fellow paranoids, Robert McElwaine,
Dan Gannon and Ron Patton, along with other regulars on USENET!
With your help, they will expose the truth... or a reasonable facsimile
thereof!
>It's absolutely astounding!
Tom: No, it's not.
Crow: <Maxwell Smart> Would you believe... interesting?
Tom: Nope.
Crow: <Maxwell Smart> How about mildly amusing?
Tom: Not a chance.
Crow: <Maxwell Smart> Would you settle for quaint?
Tom: Getting warmer.
>Here's what you can learn:
Joel: Playing the piano in two easy lessons?
Crow: How to spot a poorly fitted chest toupee?
Tom: Sometimes people lie to you in order to take your money?
>License plate number!
Crow: 3M 3TIB!
Tom: Heh heh heh....
>Get anyone's name and address with just a license plate number!
Crow: Great! Now I can look up the owner of SMLPENIS and heckle
him mercilessly!
.
>(Find that girl you met in traffic!)
Tom: Seal her up with parentheses for cutting you off on the highway!
Joel: Hi! You don't know me, but I used a spy program to peek into your
confidential records, and... hello? Hello?
>Driving record!
>Get anyone's driving record
Joel: Geez, who's sending this thing? An army drill sergeant?
Tom: 5 hit and runs, 4 fender benders and 17 DUI, SIR!
>Social security number!
Crow: Yeah? What about it?
>Trace anyone by social security number!
Crow: Oh.
Joel: Then have a martini! Shaken! Not Stirred!
>Address!
Tom: Wear one of these to get out of the army!
Crow: Tell that to Jamie Farr.
>Get anyone's address with just a name!
Crow: Oh, that'll come in handy if you're in a right-wing terrorist group.
>Unlisted phone numbers!
>Get anyone's phone number with just a name-even unlisted numbers!
Joel: These guys took the McCarthy hearings just a LITTLE too
seriously....
>Locate!
>Long lost friends, relatives, a past lover who broke your heart!
Tom: So she can break it a second time!
Crow: Quick! Somebody drag Shirley McClaine to the computer!
Joel: Am I the only one here sensing the maker of this program is just
a little *bitter* at the world?
>E-mail!
Tom: That's MR. E-Mail to you!
>Send anonymous e-mail completely untraceable!
Crow: Hi there! I send you this e-mail for no particular reason! I
just wanted to prove to myself that I could! By the way, you're a loser
and I hope you get run over by a steamroller! Don't like to be talked to
that way? Ha! Try and find me! LOSER!!!
>Dirty secrets!
Tom: ...and the talk show hosts that exploit them! Next on Jenny Jones!
>Discover dirty secrets your in-laws don't want you to know!
Joel: Or get them sauced backstage before revealing said secrets to a
national television audience!
>Investigate anyone!
Crow: Get your ass sued by total strangers, far and wide!
>Use the sources that private investigators use (all on the Internet)
>secretly!
Tom: Thus clogging up the sources and rendering them inoperable to
the real private investigators! Whee! What fun!
>Ex-spouse!
Crow: Oy vey! Don't get me started!
>Learn how to get information on an ex-spouse that will help you
>win in court! (Dig up old skeletons)
Joel: Why? Soap Operas give you all the tips you could ever need!
They've practically wrote volumes on how to dig up dirt!
Tom: Not necessarily. It took seventeen years for Susan Lucci to dig
up enough dirt to finally win an emmy....
Crow: <sweatdrops> You guys really need to get out more.
>Criminal search-Backround check!
Crow: But sadly, no spelling check.
Joel: It's sad to think of all the potential criminals that this program
could have caught had it not been for the lack of a grade school
education....
>Find out about your daughters boyfriend!
>(or her husband)
Tom: Or both!
Joel: Great, just what a daughter needs, another way for her parents
to meddle in her life. Thanks a bunch, Internet Fink!
Crow: Hell, why not check up on your daughter while you're at it!
Maybe the boyfriend or husband aren't your biggest problem right
now....
Tom: Hey, you know what they say... The family that spies together...
um...
Joel: Cries together?
Tom: Yeah!
>Find out!
Crow: ...what? Find out what?
Joel: ...what could have possibly made you so frigging paranoid as to
buy into this crap....
>If you are being investigated!
Crow: ...yes?
Tom: This spam seems to have problems finishing it's sentences.
>Neighbors!
Joel: Friends! Countrymen! Lend me your privacy!
>Learn all about your mysterious neighbors! Find out what they
>have to hide!
Joel: Hmmm... says here that they live next door to a low-down
computer snoop!
>People you work with!
Joel: Spies! Liars! Assassins! All of them! Trust nobody! NOBODY!!!
>Be astonished by what you'll learn about people you work with!
Crow: Oh my god! The hot receptionist I've been flirting and lusting after
for years is a GUY?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Tom: Some secrets, however, you'll find are best left undiscovered.
>Education verification!
Crow: See how hip we sound? Education verification! By god, it
*ALMOST* rhymes!
Joel: I'll bet the makers of this program had to repeat a grade or three.
>Did he really graduate college? Find out!
Crow: Did he really deflower the prom queen and three runner-ups in a
massive drunken orgy? Find out!
>Internet Spy and You Software will help you discover ANYTHING
>about anyone,
Tom: Well, why didn't you just say THAT in the first place?!? Geez,
wasting time with example after example....
>with clickable hyperlinks and no typing in Internet addresses! Just
>insert the floppy disk and Go!
Tom: <snickers> Floppy disk?!? FLOPPY DISK?!? What year was this
program made? 1996?
Joel: But don't I have to type in an executable command or double click
an icon first or something?
Crow: Nope, just insert the floppy and leave your house. The Internet
Spy and You will do the rest!
Joel: But how?
Crow: I dunno. I guess that's what makes up the legend that IS 'The
Internet Spy and You!!'
>You will be shocked and amazed by the secrets that can be
>discovered about absolutely everyone!
Joel: Even mimes? Wow! They can be tough nuts to crack.
Tom: For example, you'll be stunned to discover what an easy mark you are
by the Internet Spy for actually shelling out the cash to buy this! Then you'll
be practically flabbergasted to find out how many other spam companies 'The
Internet Spy' has sold your e-mail address to!
>Find out the secrets they don't want you to know! About others, about
>yourself!
Joel: About the man-child within!
Crow: Haven't we covered this already?
>It's INCREDIBLE what you can find out using Internet Spy and You
>and the Internet! You'll be riveted to your computer screen!
Crow: <Maxwell Smart> And... loving it!
Tom: Did we mention the Internet Spy comes with a jackhammer?
>Get the software they're trying to ban! Before it's too late!
Joel: I'll bet Bill Gates wishes he could ban all his competitors....
Crow: Let him buy out Time Warner! Give them a taste of their own
medicine! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!
>LIMITED TIME OFFER: ORDER TODAY!
Joel: Supplies are endless but hey, never put off till tomorrow....
>Only $15.00 US
>(Postage Paid)
Crow: Product Crap.
Tom: Buyer Beware.
>We will RUSH YOU
Joel: They'll RUSH us? You mean like Rush Limbaugh?
Tom: You mean this program will turn us into an opinionated, loud mouth,
blowhard that shills shamelessly for the Republicans?
Crow: Yeah, but think of all the free pizza and ties!
>our Internet Spy and You software so you can begin discovering all the
>secrets you ever wanted to know!
Joel: Only the secrets *you* ever wanted to know? So it's a selective
spying program?
Crow: The truth is out there... and we'll sugarcoat it for you as much as
possible.
>You can know EVERYTHING about ANYONE with our Internet Spy
>and You Software.
Tom: Yeah, this program makes the paparazzi look like a Girl Scout troop.
>Works with all browsers and all versions of AOL!
Joel: You mean AOL *finally* has a browser that properly quotes
messages in replies?
Crow: Shyeah right! And Monkeys might jump up my butt!
>ORDER TODAY: SEND Only $15.00 US
Tom: OH, is THAT all?
Joel: All in favor of skipping past boring payment plans, thus blatantly
ignoring the forth wall and risking a paradox that could literally destroy
the entire universe as we know it?
All: Aye!
>(SORRY NO MAC VERSION AVAILABLE AT THIS TIME.)
Tom: Too bad Mac users! Looks like the IBM's will soon unravel all of
your evil secrets!
>NOTE: THIS PROGRAM WILL NOT WORK ON WINDOWS 3.11
>AND OLDER
Crow: What? Older what?! Finish your damn sentences already!!
Joel: So this program lets you check up on virtually anyone but it's totally
inept when it comes to spying on the elderly?
>It is also recommended that you download the most recent
>version of netscape or Internet Explorer for Optimum Performance.
Tom: Yeah, well, it's my recommendation that you take your stupid little
earwig of a program and shove it up your semicolon!
>*********************************************************
Crow: <eyes glazing over> Lookie! It's a row of tiny X-wings with
horizontal lines through them!
Tom: Hokay, no more Phantom Menace for you, young man!
Joel: Actually, I think it's all the commercials from KFC, Pizza Huts
and Taco Bell. Can't blame Crow for zoning out....
>This mailing is done by an independent marketing co.
Tom: Unsatisfied with not knowing the exact company? With 'THE
INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!', you can expose their entire operation
and dig up their dirty little secrets in no time!
>We apologize if this message has reached you in error.
Tom: To error is human, I guess.
Joel: Too little, too late.
Crow: Too bad.
>Save the Planet, Save the Trees!
Crow: <snickers> Oh sure, try to act all noble and caring now that you've
encouraged everybody to be suspicious and nosy.
Joel: A public service message from Greenpeace. And now, back to the
spam.
>Advertise via E mail. No wasted paper! Delete with
>one simple keystroke! Less refuse in our Dumps!
Joel: What if you just didn't advertise at all?
Crow: Then this wouldn't be America.
>This is the new way of new millenium!
Joel: <singing> Cos we know we're falling from grace... Millennium!
Tom: Yes, in the year 2000, we will have no use for mundane things
like proper spelling and grammar!
Crow: Great. And while you're celebrating, I'll be investigating your
family and digging up enough dirt to blackmail your ass WELL into the
new millennium!
>Please do not respond to this e mail, e mails will not be read!
All: <break into hysterical laughter>
Joel: <Nelson> Ha ha!
Tom: Oh, so it was all a joke! This Internet Spy product doesn't exist
after all!
Crow: Gotta admit, they had us fooled.
Joel: The joke's on us, I guess.
>To be removed from this list please respond to:
>keyboard10@softhome.net
Crow: To be removed from existence, please respond to the mob
and call them a bunch of gutless momma's boys.
>Thank you!
All: No, THANK YOU!
Tom: Whew! It's over! Come on, guys! I'll race ya out of the theater!
Joel: Uh, Tom, isn't there something you're....
Tom: Come on! What are ya, chicken! <makes clucking noises>
<Joel and Crow look at each other and promptly walk towards the exit. Tom
tries to overtake them only to suddenly drop to the floor near the entrance.>
Tom: Hey! What the hell... aw, shoot! I forgot about the stupid air grate!
<Tom grumbles as he hovers back to an upright position and finds himself
trapped in the theater.>
Tom: Joel? Joel! Come on, you know I can't hover over this air grate!
Aw, come on! This isn't fair! Joooooooel!!!
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Okay, through the magic of plot contrivance, I've got the
'Internet Spy and You!!" program loaded up on our computer and I'm
logging into the search engine now!" Joel said as he typed a few commands
and waited for the information to be processed.
"Great! With any luck, we'll dig up some really juicy secrets on
Dr. Forrester and he'll HAVE to send us back down to earth or we'll spill
the beans to everybody! Either way, we win!" Crow exclaimed with glee
as he watched Joel type the name 'DR. CLAYTON FORRESTER' in the
search engine and push enter. "Okay, here we go! Let's see, childhood...
childhood... Hmmm, it says 'See Mrs. Pearl Forrester for more details.'"
"Uh, I think we'd best leave her out of it. She knows bad men,"
Crow said.
"Okay, moving along to teenage years... Hmmm... stole lunch
money from weaker kids... tortured small insects... blew up his high school
chemistry lab... multiple times... acting on his best behavior... turning his
back on mother nature... nope, there's nothing unusual here for a hooligan
that'll one day become an evil mad scientist...." Joel noted as he scrolled
down further.
"What about that!" Crow suddenly pointed at the screen. "Evidence
of a rogue experiment taking place under his employers very nose! He
launched a satellite and trapped a human inside... it... oh...." Crow trailed off
as he noticed Joel staring at him. "Ummmm, sorry," he offered sheepishly.
"It's okay." Joel sighed. "But blackmailing Dr. F with ourselves is
kind of pointless when we can't get word to anyone about our predicament."
Joel turned his attention back to the screen.
"Uh, Joel...." Crow tapped him on the shoulder. "I just realized something.
What good is finding any evidence against Dr. F if we can't show it to anyone?"
"Wait, here's something...." Joel read a few passages and found himself
smiling. "Oh ho... this is interesting...."
"What? What is it?!?" Crow asked, trying to look over Joel's shoulder.
"According to this... It seems a certain evil mad scientist went to a local
pet shelter shortly before joining Evilos and rescued not one, but two baby
animals, one a cat, the other a dog, from being put to sleep." Joel read with
amusement.
"He did? Wow...." Crow was stunned. "Who'd thought he'd have
some heart in him, after all? But we still can't use it against him if we can't
contact anybody on Earth!" Crow pointed out.
"Maybe not, but we can still have some fun with him. Crow, get Dr. F
on the horn while I go get Tom and fill him in.
"Okay, Joel! This is gonna be good!" Crow chuckled as he walked over
to the viewscreen and activated it.
* * *
DEEP 13
"What the hell do you want now, space weenies! Back for more spam?"
Dr. Forrester snapped impatiently.
"Oh nothing much...." Joel started with a grin. "Actually, we wanted to
thank you for giving us that Spy spam. It really came in handy."
Dr. Forrester's jaw dropped. "Y-You mean... You actually LIKED the
spam!?!?" He stammered in disbelief.
"Oh no, the spam was terrible as always, sir!" Joel assured him. "But it
did give us a look into your past and we discovered a rather startling fact about
you...."
"Oh? And what would that be, Dix?" Dr. Forrester inquired.
"How about a certain dog and cat that you rescued from a certain animal
shelter before joining a certain organization that tends to frown on acts of
kindness!"
"Yeah! Try explaining THAT to Evilos!" Tom jeered.
Dr. Forrester was silent for a long moment, surprise evident on his
face. Then he slowly turned away from the camera, his shoulders hunched. Joel
and the bots grinned at each other, anticipating an explosion of anger and
embarrassment from the mad doctor....
"Heh heh heh hehehehehe HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!" Dr. Forrester
suddenly burst into gales of laughter, tears of mirth appearing in his eyes.
"Is... Is that what you think I did? Saved those mongrels? You idiots! Those
animals were my science project *from* Evilos!"
"Huh?" The trio looked dumbfounded at the screen as Dr. Forrester
continued.
"I grafted the butt of that cat with the butt of that dog! I called it 'The
Double Butt Grab!" Sure, they all ridiculed me...." Dr. Forrester looked away,
his mood going sullen for a moment before brightening up again as he saw the
shocked expressions of Joel and the bots. "But you didn't seriously believe I
rescued those animals out of the goodness of my heart, did you?" Dr. Forrester
exclaimed with a smirk.
"No, I guess not." Joel sighed.
"I knew it was too good to be true...." Tom sighed.
"Oh well, we gave it a shot. Let's go get some grub," Crow said as he
and Crow walked off-screen, leaving Joel behind.
"Something else, Joel?" Dr. Forrester asked.
"Uh, yeah actually. What happened to Frank and Dr. E? And please
don't smile and say nothing. That's REALLY annoying," Joel remarked.
"No problem!" Dr. Forrester said as he scowled and the screen
went blank.
"Wiseguy," Joel muttered before following Tom and Crow down
to the pantry....
* * *
SOMEWHERE....
Dr. Erhardt moaned in pain as he opened his eyes and was surprised
to find himself in an unfamiliar bedroom. It didn't take him long to put two
and two together and realize that he was once again trapped in a movie.
"Oh, poopy...." Dr. Erhardt muttered under his breath as he glanced
around the room, trying to get a sense of his surroundings. The room
seemed to be unnaturally gray for some reason, but then there wasn't much
light in the room to begin with.
Suddenly, he felt moment behind him and turned around to see a
black cat with a crescent moon stuck on its forehead. "Hey, little friend,"
Dr. Erhardt called out to the cat. "I don't suppose you could tell me where I am?"
"I think we're in Sailor Moon," the cat replied in perfect English,
much to the shock of Dr. Erhardt.
"Y-You talked!" Dr. Erhardt exclaimed.
"Yeah, so did you," the black cat replied. "You aren't familiar with
Sailor Moon?"
"Sailor Moon...? Oh yeah! I caught a rerun of that a few days ago.
The group of magical girls in sailor uniforms? Fight evil by moonlight, right?
Pretty cool, concept, I gotta admit!" Dr. Erhardt replied excitedly.
"Yeah. I think Dr. F stuck us in a Sailor Moon fanfic and forced us into
these cat bodies as Luna and Artemis."
"Cat bodies?!?" Dr. Erhardt suddenly looked down at himself and
shrieked upon seeing furry paws in place of his hands. "W-What are we
going to do?!?"
"Beats me." Frank replied as he curled into a ball. "Not much we can do
until Dr. F lets us out of the fanfic... assuming that ever happens. I'm going to
catch a nap. Wake me if something interesting happens, kay?"
Suddenly the door to the bedroom opened and a figure was silhouetted against
the background. Frank's eyes immediately swelled to an enormous size and before
Dr. Erhardt could say a word, Frank bolted out of the room, slipping past the figure
who paid him no notice. Instead, he seemed to be entirely focused on Dr. Erhardt,
who paled nervously.
"Uh, can I help you?" Dr. Erhardt inquired nervously.
At first, there was no response from the figure but then his mouth began to
open and a sound that would haunt Dr. Erhardt for the rest of his life came from the
figure's lips.
"He he he!"
THE REAL END
I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (megane67@rogers.com
)
Author's Notes: Ahhh, it feels good to have completed something again!
In case you're new to my series and have no idea who the identity of the
figure was at the end... read my other MSTings and find out. ;P
I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose C&C
and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice things
about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his latest work
'I Dream of Ranma', you can reach him at kleppe@execpc.com
and I'm
sure he'll be happy to send the story along to you.
I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who voted for me
in the 2nd Annual Silver Mallies. I am truly honored to have won and
been nominated for the following awards:
*BEST HOST SEGMENTS: Megane 6.7
Runner up: Alicia Ashby
*BEST LEMON MSTING:
"Coming of Munihausen" (MSTed by Alicia Ashby, Flashman
and Dinobot)
Runner up: California Dreaming (MSTed by Megane 6.7)
*BEST NON-ANIME MSTING:
"A Sorcerer, An Emerald, A Demon (MSTed by Alicia Ashby,
Jamie Jeans, and Justin
Golden)
Runner up: Oscar Toon (MSTed by Megane 6.7)
My MSTings have also been nominated for the following
1998 Golden Hamdingers....
*OSCAR TOON* (w/Gary Kleppe, Jeffrey Wong and Robin Seabaugh)
- Nominated for the Golden Hamdinger for "Best Characterization of
Standard MST3K Characters"
*DOUBLE TROUBLE* (w/Lynxara)
- Nominated for the Golden Hamdinger for "Best Non-standard MST3K Misting"
And finally, I was honored with my first Golden Hamdinger for 'Best MSTer
of the Year' for which I am very grateful.
Thank you very much. :)
***All of Zoogz and my MSTings and the MSTings we've contributed
to can be found in the various categories at:***
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
Everything What Is Crap
(formerly Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings)
http://www.svamcentral.org/ewic
">Save the Planet, Save the Trees! Advertise via E mail. No wasted
>paper! Delete with one simple keystroke! Less refuse in our Dumps!
>This is the new way of new millenium!"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2004 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
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