(The future isn't what it used to be....)
 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"  (SEASON TWO)

EPISODE 13: *R*P*M*

(A Sailor Moon/Spawn Crossover MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  Just covering
my own ass here folks....

"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
 
"Spawn" is the property of Todd McFarlane and all the
distributors of his work.

"*R*P*M*" is the property of Flynn and he's welcome to it.  I do not
intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I figure it's
only a matter of time before someone does.  Think of this as another
form of C&C.  ;)

Warning:  This fic contains mature content, extreme violence and a small
pinch of lemon.  If you are offended by such material, simply delete it and it's
gone.  If not, enjoy!
 

(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,
Last sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!

Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)

Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)

(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)

We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find  (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind  (lalala)

(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)

Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT:
'Text only'?

Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'

Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'

CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'

If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts  (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
 

SATELLITE OF LOVE
11:19 HOURS

 "HOLD ON GUYS!  THIS IS IT!"

 Gypsy looped herself around the railing, making sure she had a
firm grip while Joel Robinson and Crow T. Robot held on to the hovering
Tom Servo.  The hull shuddered violently from the strain as the Satellite
of Love began its slow descent into the black hole....

  Joel glanced down just as the bottom half of the satellite was
ripped clean off exposing them to open space and a clear view of the certain
death that awaited them.  He was shocked by how close the black hole was
now.  It was hard to believe that something so beautiful that swirled with
bright vibrant colors, could cause so much destruction....

 "Joel, what's going to happen to us?"  Crow spoke up fearfully.

 "We're going to be crushed like an overripe grape, you idiot!"
Tom shouted back.

 "Oh well... at least we won't have to see any more bad fanfics or
movies...."  Crow muttered.

 "Gypsy, are you sure there's nothing else we can do?!"  Joel
cried out over the sound of the sheering of scrap metal.....

 "Man, I wish this ship was like that ship from 'Sphere!"  Tom
muttered, holding on for dear life.

        "What do you mean by that?" Joel managed asked.

        "That way, we can go through the blackhole and not worry about
dying... except for when we crash into the ocean on earth." came the quick
reply.

        "Hey, you'll ruin the movie for everyone who hasn't seen it yet!" Joel
said, almost ignoring the gaping blackhole below him.

        Tom shook his head, "Uh uh, I read the book. I never saw the movie
so I have no idea if the movie is loosely based on the book or not."

        "Guys!  I hate to interrupt this pleasant discussion... BUT WE'RE
ABOUT TO BE PULLED IN!!!"  Crow screamed.

        Joel and Tom looked at Crow.  Then each other.

       "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
 

* * *
 

        Joel look around, glancing this way and that, surveying their
surroundings.  It appeared to be a train.  Suddenly, a feminine voice
called out.

        "Do you want to become one with me?"

        "What the....?  Who the hell said that?" Joel said, looking around. It was
the weirdest thing. The voice sounded like it was real but everything else
has a disturbing dreamlike quality.  Joel began to wonder if he was tripping
on something....

        A beautiful naked woman with a scar on her chest appeared in front of
Joel, "Do you want to become one with me?" The woman's image got replaced by a
young reddish/brown haired girl, whom was also naked, "Do you want to become one
with me?" It then got replaced by a young girl with short blue hair, also naked,
"Do you want to become one with me?"

        Joel started to freak out, "W-what t-the hell's going on here?!"

        Tom's voice interrupted the program, "Jeez, you're not supposed to say
that! You're supposed to remain silent while Gypsy goes on with her other
lines."

        Joel scratched his head, "I dunno, playing this Shinji character seems
weird. Am I supposed to act like this is all a dream or real or what?"

        The young blue haired girl pressed an invisible button in the air and
immediately changed into Gypsy, fully clothed and said, "It's all in your mind.
The whole thing is like a dream, except it isn't,"

        "Yeah, like that's gonna clear things up," Crow commented, stepping out
of the darkness. He looked at Joel, "Just take everything as is. Almost all of
the scenes in Evangelion are confusing. Actually, they're not really confusing,
just messed up where you have to pause the VCR and re-read the subtitles
because you can't seem to understand what everyone was talking about in the
first viewing...."

 Joel was about to reply to that when the lights in the Holocabana
suddenly changed from normal into a deep blood red color.

 "AHHHHHH!!! IT'S KANE!!!  HE'S COMING TO GET US!!!"
Crow and Tom screamed.

 "It's just the Mads, guys."  Gypsy corrected them.  "I programmed
the lights to change color in case they called while I was in here with you
guys."
 
 "Oh."  Tom replied, embarrassed.

 "I wish it had been Kane...."  Crow muttered.

 "Magic Voice, end program and save.  Gypsy, stall the overlords
till I get back...."  Joel said as he rushed towards the exit.

 "Why?  Where are you going?"  Gypsy asked, curious.

 "Little Joel's room!"  Joel replied as the Holocabana doors shut
behind him.
 

* * *
 

DEEP 13
 

 "It's about time you got here!"  Dr. Forrester snapped as Joel
rushed onto the bridge.  "Did you flush?"

 "Yeah, twice."  Joel replied.

 "Why twi... oh, forget it!  Just give us your invention exchange
and hurry up!  I've got a lunch appointment with Washu in fifteen
minutes!"  Dr. Forrester growled impatiently as he folded his arms
across his chest.

 "Okay, sir."  Joel stood behind the counter where his invention
was already set up.  Joel gestured at the counter.  There was a white plastic
mask, a collapsible top hat, a CD, a cassette tape, and three red roses with
sharpened stems.

  "I invented this fun item for all the Tux-boy wannabes out there.
It's the Tuxedo Kamen Dart Kit!"  Joel proclaimed.

 "Yes, you too can live out your secret fantasy of heroically saving
young girls in really short skirts with this kit!"  Tom added as Joel took out
a CD player from behind the counter and cued up the CD.  The familiar low-key
cords of the Tuxedo Kamen Theme were soon heard.

 "And the Dart Board comes with a variety of targets!"  Crow continued
as Cambot followed Joel over to the nearest wall where the Dart Board was
already hung up.  "We've got the Youma Generals... Queen Beryl... All the
other Senshi during Tux-Boy's *evil* phase... Chibi-usa... Dr. Thinker... The
ISM... Bane... USA Today... Oscar...."

 "Okay Tom, I think they get the point."  Joel interrupted as he placed
a Chibi-usa target on the board.  Then he moved aside as Crow, now wearing
the mask, cape and hat, took careful aim with his rose and let fly.

 "CRACK!"

 "Nice going, William Tell!"  Tom exclaimed angrily as his impaled
bubble head now sported an elaborate spiderweb pattern.

 "Oops.  Sorry about that, Tom."  Crow replied sheepishly.

 "Uh, well, there you have it sir!  What do you think?"  Joel
asked while examining the damage to Tom.

 Dr. Forrester held an amused grin as he replied.  "I think rubber tips
might be a wise investment.  Now my invention this week features the latest
development in audio technology.  No more will you have to settle for oversized
speakers, clumsy headphones or which system is better.  For I have invented the
sound system that pipes directly into your brain!  Frank will now demonstrate
it for us... Frank?"

 TV's Frank walks in front of the viewscreen.  His eyes are red from
crying and he desperately tries to keep it together.  "What's wrong with him?"
Joel asked, concerned.

 "Oh, Frank's currently listening to the Titanic soundtrack, 'My Heart
Will Go On' by Celine Dion to be exact.  I surgically installed a microchip
directly to his brain.  Now whenever he hears any song, the microchip will
store it and then play it back at the perfect volume and acoustics for the
individual using it."

 Dr. Forrester took a deep breath before continuing.  "It simulates
the different areas of the human brain, depending on which song you're
listening to, and enhances all of your physical sensations to a degree that no
other machine can hope to achieve.  If it's a high energy song, it will give
you a rush like nothing you've ever experienced.  If it's a slow beat, you'll
be in pure heaven as it relaxes every muscle in your body."

 "I call it... Whispering Beauty.  Any questions?"  Dr. Forrester
inquired with a smug 'Beat that!' look on his face.
 
 Joel shrugged.  "What else can I say?  It's a good idea.  One
question though... How do you shut it off?"

 Dr. Forrester chuckled before replying.  "That's the *beauty* of
this invention, Joel.  You can't."

 Joel and the bots looked at each other, then back to the screen.

 "Then Frank's crying because...."  Tom began.

 "Because he's had to listen to the same song for the last twelve
hours."  Dr. Forrester finished with an evil grin.  "And considering how
his brain is working overtime to make sure it remains pleasurable to
him, it won't be long before his brain is turned into Jell-O."

 Joel sighed.  "Always looking on the dark side of life, huh, Dr. F?"

 "Indeed."  Dr. Forrester agreed.  "And to prove it yet again, your
experiment this week is a rather brutal tale of revenge, murder, mayhem
and the Sailor Senshi are in there somewhere... well, most of them anyway.
It's *R*P*M* and it's really... bad.  Prepare yourself for some REAL deep
hurting Joel.  Send them the fanfic, Frank...."

 Frank suddenly hiccuped and exclaimed.  "Hey!  It stopped for
a second!  He then began to sob again when another hiccup brought an
expression of joy on his face.  "It skipped again!  It's not anti-shock
resistant!"

 "Frank!  The fanfic!"  Dr. Forrester snapped.

 "Huh?  Oh, sure thing, Steve...."  Frank replied.
 

* * *

 
THE SATELLITE OF LOVE
 

 "There!  Good as new!"  Joel said as he screwed the cap back on
the tube of Krazy Glue.

 "The smell is making me dizzy...."  Tom complained as he
hovered unsteadily.  "I'm going to get you for this, Crow!"

 "I said I was sorry!  Get over it!"  Crow shot back.

 "It was an accident, Tom.  Crow didn't mean to...."

 Suddenly, alarms and sirens suddenly rang out.

 "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!"  Joel cried out.
 

(Door 6: It's a garage door.  You groan as it's not an automatic and have
to strain to lift it up.)

(Door 5: It's made of tin foil.  You pick it up, crush it into a foil ball and
mail it to Pee Wee Herman.)

(Door 4: It's a trap door.  You barely manage to grab the edge before
plummeting to your doom and pull yourself back up.)

(Door 3: It's made of solid rock.  You cover it with a large sheet of paper and
it vanishes.)

(Door 2. It's Jim Morrison.  You light a fire under him and break on
through, touching him before you leave on the crystal ship.)

(Door 1: It's a double door.  Both swirl open from the center.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor.  You walk into it.)
 

 Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping over
the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own, Joel
placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, Crow
sitting on his right.
 

>*R*P*M*
 

Joel: I sense we're about to enter a (sur)Real World guys....

Crow: The more things change, the more they're read.
 

>Prologue 2
 

Crow: It's the prologue to the prologue!

Tom: This fic must be pretty complicated if it needs that much setup.

Joel: Maybe it's a Bubblegum Crisis fic in disguise?
 

>Sam Burke was in dire straits.
 

Tom: Yes, he replaced Mark Knopfler!

Joel: And his sister, Delta, was returning to Primetime Television.

Crow: Dear god, no!
 

>He was stuck in Japan,
 

Crow: He's been trying to get off the subway for two weeks now.
 

>where everyone called him "Guy-jin" or something.
 

Tom: <singing> Nothing you could say could tear me away from Guy-jin!

Joel and Crow: <singing> GUY-JIN!
 

>It was a few years after he had lost Twitch.
 

Tom: <Sam, sobbing> He was my partner for seven years!

Crow: Fortunately, Flinch and Wince were still alive and well.
 

>After losing another partner to crime, he had decided to leave New
>York for a while.
 

Tom: If you can't take the heat, get out of hell's kitchen.
 

>That old fart, Cog, had only shook his head and said, "You'll be back."
>Like that meant anything.
 

Crow: <Sam> Blow it out your ass, you old fart!

Tom: Having lost his empire to Spacely Sprockets, Cogswell decided
to trade in his cogs for a peacemaker....

Joel: <Cog> You'll be back, Sam!  You're a terminator!  Killing's in your
blood!
 

>Sam had tracked a suspect named Flynn to here.
 

Tom: <MCP>  YES, IT FELT LIKE FLYNN.

Joel: Where is here?  Japan?  The whole country?
 

 >You could name the case as a conspiracy theory,
 

Joel: But Mel Gibson's been there and done that.
 

>but it was the only thing he had going at the time and decided to follow it.
 

Tom: When the going gets tough, the tough get stuck in Japan.
 

>Sam had also heard of an urban myth, one about magical girls that fought
 

Joel: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power?

Tom: Battle Team Lakers EX?

Crow: The Supertwins?
 

>with the power of love or some shit like that.
 

Tom: <singing> That's the power of love!

Crow: <singing> Sing the praises of shit!
 

>It sounded a little too much like the spice girls fad from last year,
 

Crow: The Spice Girls playing the role of the Sailor Senshi... <shudders>...
that's too horrible to think about!
 

>but after all that business with Spawn, however, it didn't seem so bad.
 

Tom: But, let's face it, *TAXES* don't seem all that bad after doing
business with Spawn....
 

>Not compared to guys who ripped mafia hitmen's hearts out.
 

Crow: Kano joined the mob?
 

>And so now here he was,  in Tokyo, looking for the guy who may have
>instigated the whole damn media mess that had been the presidential sex
>scandal a few years ago.
 

Crow: <Flynn> Don't argue with me Monica!  Just go in there and when
he wags the dog....

Tom:  So this fic's set in the not-too-distant future?  Somewhere in time
and space?

Joel: Keep it up and you'll hear from my attorneys, Tom.

Tom: Heh.
 

>Why Flynn did what he did was obvious:
 

Tom: He's nuts!

Joel: Obviously.

Crow: A Flynn's gotta do what a Flynn's gotta do....
 

>he had all the markings of an abused child. Sam didn't care much for
>that.
 

Tom: <Sam>  All that matters to me is avenging Twitchy!
 

>He knew from years of experience that child abuse was a curse passed
>down from abuser to abused, and that sometimes the only cure was a bullet.
 

Crow: <Sam> Thank goodness I had the sense to plug my old man before
he beat me to death!

Tom: Yeah, why bother rehabilitating criminals when an uzi is so much
easier....

Joel: <Ryouga> The world is a dark and lonely place....
 

>But that was the least mysterious of  the case he had on this guy.
 

Joel: The most mysterious being the sixth finger on his right hand.
 

>For one thing, he moved like he wasn't human. He had to.
 

Joel: <Flynn> I refuse to walk like a human being again until I've
mastered the most difficult of dances.  The Robot!

Crow: Hey, I resemble that remark!

Tom: <Flynn>  Damn, this is the last time I wear jockeys while
jogging. My underwear's riding up somewhere into the creepy unknown....
 

>After using up all his favors and using  a couple that _weren't_ his,
 

Joel: Weren't they?

Crow: <Sam> Little orgy after work never hurt nobody....
 

>he had gotten a file on how he had escaped custody.
 

Tom: Is the author still talking about Flynn or Sam?  I'm lost....

Crow: <Sam> Hot damn!  I love reading files about my own escapes!
It gives me a real rush!
 

>According to the file, the agents sent to patrol him were massacred.
 

Joel: Thankfully it was the AD Police so they were expendable.

Crow: That reminds me of a joke.  How many AD Police does it take
to kill a combat boomer?

Joel: I give up.

Crow: A hundred.  Ninety-eight to act as chaff.  One to call for backup.
And one to report back to headquarters that the Knight Sabers saved
their ass.

Joel: Heh.
 

>The thing of it was that both had gotten off at least a full clip
>each; and there was a lot of Flynn's blood on the wall.
 

Joel: Flynn must have the sign of the void.

Crow: He tried to write "Bay of the Pigs" but the wounds scabbed over
before he could finish....
 

>But the psycho still managed to kill them and be out of there within 5
>minutes.
 

Tom: Guaranteed or your money back!
 

>When looking for the deceased agents' files, there was nothing.
 

Crow: What did he expect?  They're deceased!

Joel: The secretary has disavowed any knowledge of their actions... unless
you slip her a twenty.
 

>And, Sam had found a bug on his car 2 days later.
 

Joel: Big deal.  Just go to a car wash!

Crow: OH MY GOD!  THEY KILLED PFIL!

Tom: Those bastards!
 

>The whole thing smelled coverup.
 

Tom: Something's rotten in the country of Japan!

Crow: Must be the sushi vending machines.
 

>When Sam Burke added all the other info he had gathered to it,
 

Joel: Such as....?

Tom: He must be some detective to pluck info out of thin air....

Crow: Oh man, this guy must be related to the hero in "Detective" by
Mark Barnes.
 

>it all stank of government conspiracy, the kind of stuff
>even A-6 didn't even handle.
 

Tom: What about B-12?

Joel: Hit!

Crow: C-9?

Joel: Hit!  Dang, you guys sunk my battleship!
 

>And the only way he could prove anything was to find this killer.
>Sam took a bite out of his huge sub,
 

Crow: This fanfic was sponsored by Subway.

Joel: <Chris Farley> Man, my mom's the only other person I've
seen take a sandwich like that....

Tom:  The inspiration for McGruff the Crime Dog.

Crow: Hey, Crackers the Corporate Crime Fighting Chicken could
kick McGruff's ass any day!
 

>silently wished those magical girls luck, and waited for the victims to
>start piling up.
 

Crow: This fanfic's already a pile.
 

>Chapter 1
 

Tom: What?  No Prologue 1?  How're we supposed to follow the story now?!?
 

>It was a beautiful sunny day in Tokyo. At the mall, a group of friends
>ate lunch and watched the people skate on the skating rink a level down.
 

Crow: Those people are on thin ice if it's a sunny day.

Joel: What if it's a roller rink?

Crow: Only if this fic's set in the 80's.
 

>Usagi looked at her friends(altogether; Usagi, Ami, Mamoru, and Makoto)
 

All: Usagi, Ami, Mamoru, and Makoto!

Tom: Minako and Rei were busy sharing Motoki's joystick in the arcade....

Crow: Heh.
 

>fondly, and took a huge bite out of her food. Makoto bigsweated.
 

Joel: <Makoto> I knew I shouldn't have ordered Indian takeout....

Tom: She was just trying to curry favor with the delivery boy that reminds
her of her old boyfriend....
 

>"Um, Usagi-san, don't finish that all in one bite."
 

Crow: <Usagi>  Bite me!
 

><what a great day,> she thought.
 

All: <singing> Just a perfect day... Drink sake in the mall....
 

><Friends with me, a sunny day, and I'm even getting used to being
>a superheroine. Maybe, everything is finally going to be alright from now
>on.>
 

Joel: Geez, what's that smell?  Red Herring?

Crow: The setup is complete and I'm ripe with anticipation!

Joel: I knew I smelt something....
 

>******************************&**&&**&&**&&**&*******
>****************************
 

Tom: We interrupt this fanfic to bring you a special report!   Rescue workers
equipped with shovels and snowblowers are frantically trying to rescue the eight
&'s trapped by an avalanche of snow.  We will bring you more details as they
become available....
 

>"Okay, this is it. I want Sytiracon's group to cover any and all exits.
 

Tom: Insert your favorite Zucker Brothers sight gag here.

Joel: Sytiracon?  Is that like a convention for Styrofoam retailers?

Crow: Maybe they're about to be raided by an environmental group?
 

>The rest of you, cover Joel while he sets the charges.
 

Tom: Why Joel, I didn't know you were into explosives....

Joel: That's the other Joel.  <Buster Bunny>  No relation.
 

>_I_ will take care of any, heheh, opposition."
 

Crow: <M. Bison> All who oppose me will be destroyed!
 

>The person who spoke this to his small army was wearing civilian
>clothes: a Korn T-shirt and some baggy jeans.
 

Joel: All civilians *LOVE* Korn!

Crow: They joined his gang and were Korn again!

Tom: I think the author's talking about the *band*, Korn....

Crow: Oh, like we're supposed to know every band's name in existence!
 

>His forehead had a tattoo of a blood-red upside down crescent on his
>forehead, however, and it had red teardrops running down to his eyebrows.
 

Crow: Oooh.  Scary.

Tom: Big whoop.  I've got one of those on my butt!

Joel: Since when?

Tom: Remember that jelly donut you wanted to save for after the
experiment?  You left it on the stool and....

Joel: Ugh.  Never mind.
 

>He had blond hair and bluish-green eyes that were rapidly glowing
 

Crow: Nakago?
 

>dark emerald , changing back, and pulsing again, which showed just
>how excited he was.
 

Joel: He's so excited, he just can't hide it.  He's about to lose control and
I think he likes it!
 

>For today, he would strike back at that queen bitch Serenity,
 

Tom: <Frank Costanza> SERENITY NOW!!!
 

>which had tormented him so long, saying that it was to "heal"
>him. What bullshit! And to top it off, she had left him to die during the
>black moon crisis.
 

Crow: Any idea who this clown is yet?

Tom: You mean you don't know?  You're the Sailor Moon Fanboy!
 
Crow: Yeah, Sailor Moon, not Spawn!
 

>But now, it was payback time. He had escaped after a painfully long time,
>and had trained offplanet.
 

Tom: Training hard to master the zero-G forces to the music of the Blue
Danube....
 

>Through a lot of work, he had gotten all he needed,
 

Crow: With the exception of grammar lessons.
 

>not to mention that his family was sure happy to see him home 2 weeks
>later in _their_ time.
 

Joel: What time is it, Mr. Servo?

Tom: Time to get a new plot!
 

>Sytiracon, a dark-haired, stocky and well built man with a collar around
>his neck, stepped forward."
 

Joel: He used to be the property of the Gamesters of Triskelion.

Crow: <Sytiracon>  Hello.  My name is Sytiracon and I'm stuck
in a crummy Sailor Moon crossover...

Tom and Joel: Hi Sytiracon!

 
>Sir, I would rather lead the attack alongside you.""Why? So you can stab
>me in the back?
 

Tom: No, he said *alongside* you!  Pay attention!
 

>No, I know you too well for that, my slave_," the hell-bent commander
>sneered.
 

Tom: So Flynn's a commander?  Or is this a totally new guy?  I'm totally
confused!
 

>Sytiracon attempted to control himself and suppress the urge to rip out his
>throat.
 

Joel: <Sytiracon>  Wait a minute!  Why should I commit suicide when
I could rip out the commander's throat instead!
 

><He DARES call me slave!!!> The people of his race never, under any
>circumstances, called another slave.
 

Crow: The long distance rates were far too high.

Joel: His was a proud and noble slave race.
 

>The slave-collar, now encircling _his_ neck,
 

Tom: I thought it was already around _his_ neck?

Crow: Maybe the author's talking about the commander?

Joel: <Sytiracon>  Somebody get me some Whisk!
 

>prevented him from polymorphing into his true form,
 

Joel: Which bore a striking resemblance to Don Knotts.

Tom: Maybe Sytiracon's a member of the Dominion?

Crow: If that's true, let's hope the Jem Hadar arrive soon and kick ass.
 

>and the elf-stone in his heart let the hell-spawn practically give him a
>heart attack whenever he wanted.
 

Tom: Elf-stones are chock full of cholesterol, apparently.

Crow: Yes, in the future, Elf-stones will be the number one cause of
heart disease.

Joel: He should pass that elf-stone already.
 

>And he had done that as well, as sadistically curious as a child ripping
>the wings of a fly, bringing him to the edge of death.
 

Tom: I guess he *would* hurt a fly then.

Crow: Didn't Malcolm McDowell do this to LaVar Burton in Star Trek:
Generations?

Joel: I think that scene was cut out of the final release.

Tom: Not that it would have helped much....
 

>Sytiracon stepped back, his eyes promising revenge, while the accursed
>demon's eyes followed his, mockingly.
 

Crow: I spy with my little eye narration that makes no frigging sense!
 

>"Well, now that that's in order,"
 

Joel: <Sytiracon>  Wait!  I want some fries with that!
 

>the hellspawn known as Flynn said after Sytiracon withdrew,"
 

Tom: FINALLY!  Okay, now we know for certain that the
hellspawn, hellbent-commander, accursed demon, etc, etc,
*IS* in fact, Flynn.

Crow: My apathy knows no bounds.
 

>Go out there and have fun! Kill as many civilians as you want, we're
>gonna bomb the place anyway,
 

Tom: Hmm.  Think this fanfic was inspired by Syndicate Wars?
 

>but leave the Sailors to me.
 

Crow: <gang>  Uh... whatever you say boss... heh....
 

>Now, let's go!!!!!!"
 

Tom: I'm gone.  (Hovers from his seat)

Crow: I'm with you.  (Crow stands up)

Joel: Guys, sit down.  We've got a long way to go yet.

(Crow and Tom grudgingly return to their seats)

 
>He followed his men out, practically quivering with anticipation.
 

Tom: Okay, is Flynn gay, giddy, or what?

Joel: I think he's just obsessed with revenge, murder and mayhem.

Crow: He could be a postal worker!

Tom: Or a character on Melrose's Place.
 

><I always looooove killing peoples, heehee!>
 

All: <singing> Peoples... Peoples who kill peoples....
 

>**************************&&&*****&&&*******&&&***
>*&&&*****&&&*******************
 

Tom: Once again, for those of you just joining us, we have reports that
the rescue team sent in to dig out the eight &'s have been trapped
themselves under another avalanche.  The number of &'s trapped now
number fifteen as another rescue team is being assembled as quickly as
possible.  We will continue to interrupt the fanfic with reports when
necessary....
 

>Usagi felt something tap her shoulder. It was Makoto.
 

Crow: <Makoto, whispering>  Hey Usagi, what's say we ditch
Tux-boy and visit the bedding department?  We can find ourselves a
nice queen-size mattress... in a corner where no one would see us... test
out the springs....
 

>"Usagi, there are people -with guns- at the doorways. We better transform."
>Usagi took a quick glance and nodded, numbly.
 

Crow: <Usagi> And here I was hoping the author would forget about us
completely....

Joel: Aren't guns hard to come by in Japan?

Tom: If the average, present-day anime is any guideline... no.
 

>Any minute now, someone would see the thugs, start screaming, and they
>would have a situation on their hands.
 

Tom: Wouldn't Usagi usually be the *first* person to shriek hysterically?
 

>And someone did notice, as they all quietly snuck off  to whatever
>secluded corners they could find.
 

Joel: <Usagi>  Luckily, if someone sees us transform, they'll likely be
mowed down by gunfire....
 

>And, in mid-transformation, they began to hear, at first one solitary
>scream, gunfire, and more horrible screams, and just as horrible
>gunfire......................
 

Crow: The horror... The horror....

Tom: This fic must have some *horrible* Foley artists.

Joel: Most likely the same guys who redub Jackie Chan's films for North
American release.
 

>********************&&&&******&&&&******&&&&******
>***&&&&***********************
 

Tom: Hello once again!  I'm coming to you live from underneath the
pile of snow where the other fifteen &'s and myself await rescue.  I
had hoped to get a word from some of the survivors when they were
freed but my cameraman sneezed and caused yet another avalanche,
burying myself and the others even deeper.  While I would like to
interview the survivors, I fear I've lost all feeling in my legs and hands
and am on the verge of hypothermia.  But don't worry, I will continue
to provide reports as long as I'm able....
 

>While the thugs picked off anybody that they thought might become a
>problem, Joel and his two guards set pipebombs on walls.
 

Tom: This is kinda eerie....

Crow: You don't suppose the two guards are robots?

Joel: <chuckling> Guys, you've seen too many sci-fi films....
 

>Some had gasoline canisters attached.
 

Tom: Regular or unleaded?

Crow: Premium!  Only the best for our bombs!
 

>Joel, after wiring the whole place to blow(on his remote command),
>finally made it to the Ice skating rink.
 

Joel: ...falling through as it had been a really sunny day.
 

>"Kill them," Joel commanded the guards as he pointed to the fools who
>were stil on the rink. Like shooting fish in a barrel, the grunts gleefully
>disposed of the skaters,
 

Tom: <Grunt> Tara Lipinski... *bang*... Michelle Kwan... *bang* ....

Joel: Is this Tokyo or Nagano?

Crow: Tonya Harding... *BLAM!*... Olympic Ice Dancing Judges...
*BLAM!*
 

>who pathetically slipped around, trying to run away, until being bloodily
>cut down by gunfire. Once they were all dead, their corpse bleeding all
>over the ice,
 

Crow: Yes, it's Tron II: The Wrath of Flynn!

Tom: Technically, corpses do not bleed as the heart stops beating
ergo no blood is being pumped through the circulatory system and thus no
open wounds would spurt, seep, spray, or ooze with blood....

Joel: Uh... thanks for sharing that with us, Tom.

Crow: Bleah!
 

> Joel poured the rest of the gasoline canisters onto the
> bloodstained rink.
 

Joel: <smiling>  Okay, let's get the hell outta here!!
 

> Joel smiled."OK, let's get the hell outta here!!"
 

(Crow and Tom exchange glances)

Crow: Joel....

Tom: Don't mess with the forth wall, Joel....
 

>********************&&&**&&&&&******&&&&&&&*****
>*******&&**********************
 

Crow: This just in!  Although we've lost a promising field reporter, we've
gained an exclusive phone interview with one of the survivors still trapped
inside the snow!  Mr. Smith, are you there?

Joel: Yes, I'm here!

Crow: Mr. Smith, I can't begin to imagine what you're going through being
trapped underneath all that snow....

Joel: Actually, it's quite pleasant.  I haven't had a vacation in a long while
and I'm finally getting the chance to catch up on my reading....

Crow: Uh, really?  What are you reading?

Joel: Oh, it's nothing special.  Just a copy of Howard Stern's book Private
Parts.  Baba Booey!  Howard Stern!  Baba Booey!  Howard Stern!  Baba....

Crow: Uh, ahem... We seem to have been scammed *again* by a phony
phone call.  Oh well, it just goes to show what idiots run our station.
And now back to the MSTing....
 

>Flynn walked around, surveying the damage with glee.
 

Joel: <singing> Then all the gang-members loved him....

Crow and Tom: LOVED HIM!

Joel: <singing> While he surveyed the damage with glee ...

Crow and Tom: YIPPEE!

 
><But-where is _she_?> He soon saw a mall security guard run at him
>and shoot.
 

Joel:  <guard>  The hell with questions, I shoot first.  Period!

Crow:  Wow, the ice-rink has automated security guards.

Tom: <ED-209>  YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO
SURRENDER... *BLAM!*... I LIED... HA... HA... HA....
 

>Flynn felt piercing pain in his chest and thought he was going to collapse.
 

Crow: There's never any Alka Seltzer when you need it most.

Joel: <Flynn>  Oh great, what a time to suffer a heart attack....!

Tom: Elf-stones struck again!
 

>Then, as always, the nano-bots in his bloodstream,
 

Crow: Nano-bots?  What is he, a Borg?

Tom: <Borg>  WE... ARE FLYNN... WE WILL ADD YOUR
BIOLOGICAL AND TECHNOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO
OUR OWN... FRANKLY, WE NEED ALL THE DISTINCTIVENESS
WE CAN GET IN THIS FANFIC....
 

>with their horribly defective version of the kessen-chu,
 

All: Bless you.
 

>began to slowly, painfully, repair the ruptured skin.
 

Crow: Uh, didn't he say it was horribly defective a second ago?

Joel:  Maybe Flynn's a boomer?
 

>Here, play with this," and threw a spiked ball at the gurad, the spiked ball
>began to buzz, and spinning incredibly fast, and moved into the guard's crotch
>area.
 

Tom: Ladies and Gentlemen... The guard has been spiked.
 

>As the guared screamed and Flynn giggled, the buzzing morning star,
>completely chunkified the guard's genitalia,
 

Tom: You can learn this and more new words from *R*P*M*!

Joel: I always thought chunkified would mean someone gets fatter.

Crow: Funny, I have a sudden craving for soup.
 

>putting it through the equivalent of a meat grinder.
 

All: SPEW!!!

Crow: Forget what I said about the soup....
 

>Then it finished, as a shred of the dead guard's testicles
>*splat*-ted against the wall.
 

Tom:  First "chunkified", now "splat-ted".  See what a wonderful vocabulary
you can build from *R*P*M*?

Joel: That was needlessly excessive.

Crow: Next thing you know, Flynn will grind what's left under his heel....

Joel: <winces> Yeesh....
 

>Flynn emoved his spiked ball from what was left of the guard's body
 

Joel: Emoved?

Crow: <Cockneyed accent> Eah, E' moved said spiked ball from
'ere to 'is pocket.
 

>and switched off the spikes, while laughing and quipped,
 

Crow: <Flynn>  I'm not only the president of the Lorena Bobbit
fan club... I'm also a sadist!

Joel: <Flynn>  Thus concludes my demonstration of the remote
control vasectomy kit!  Only $19.95!  Order yours today!
 

>"Bet you though the worst problem you'd have today would be two teens
>fucking in your bathrooms, huh?"
 

Crow: And this is a bad thing?
 

>His question was answered as Sailor Jupiter came running at him, with
>what appeared to be a mixture of anger and malice showing on her face.
 

Tom: <Jupiter> Grrr!  I'm still pissed off about being tricked by Kuro
in "That Girl" and I'm taking out my frustrations on you!

Crow: Flynn's spiky balls won't save him now!
 

>"Your reign of terror ends NOW!" she screamed as she ran at him,
>preparing an attack.
 

Joel: <Jupiter> Hello.  My name is Sailor Jupiter.  You remind
me of my old boyfriend.  Prepare to DIE.
 

>An enormous sword seemingly appeared out of nowhere in Flynn's hand,
>and he sidestepped S.Jupiter with amazing speed.
 

Joel:  So S. Jupiter is like what?  H.G. Wells?  O. Henry?  R.L. Stine?

Crow: M. Llave?

Tom: At least it's not *SJ* this time....
 

>"Correction," he said as he brought the sword down on the back of her
>neck. "It's just  _Beginning_."
 

Crow: <Jupiter> You're a real pain in the neck, Flynn!

Tom: <groans> I was waiting for that one.
 

>The split-second of pain before decapitation left her face in a permanent
>scream, of surprise and anguish, as her head cleanly popped off her body,
 

Crow: Momma had a senshi and its head popped off!

Tom: She conquered Godzilla, took on the WWF single-handed and
even gave Kuro a bloody nose... but in the end Sailor Jupiter was
overwhelmed by the formidable skills of... Flynn.

Joel: I may weep openly.
 

>and a geyser of dark red blood gushed out of the bloody stump.
>A scream of "Jupiter, NOOO!!!!" was the only thing that alerted him to
>Mercury.
 

Tom:  You'd think the senshi would learn not to broadcast their attack so
the bad guy can stop them.

Crow: And lose those cool cut-scenes?  No way!
 

>It was all he needed, as he spun around to meet her attack. His
>gauntleted fist slammed into her abdomen, lifted her up, and flipped her
>over his back.
 

Tom: <Vince McMahon> Backkkkkk Bodydrop!
 

>He turned around and took a look at the wounded, but not quite dead,
>senshi.
 

Crow: She's only *mostly* dead.

Tom:  If this were the Marvel universe it wouldn't matter.  She'd be back
faster than you can say "Jean Grey."
 

>She was struggling to get up, covered in blood; both hers and
>Makoto's; and felt a hand stroke her hair playfully, then jerk it up,
 

Crow: Which hair is he talking about?

Joel: Crow, I'm warning you....

Crow: What?!  I'm wondering if he meant Makoto's hair or Ami's!  What
*HAIR* did you think I meant?!?

Joel: Uhhh... never mind!

Crow: Sheesh!  And you call me a hentai!

Joel: <blushing> I'm sorry....
 

>as he pulled her up to her knees. He studied her for a moment.
>Hmmm.She isn't dead, but will lose consciousness soon. And I've
>always wanted a personal slave....>
 

Tom: <Flynn>  Especially one that's unconscious!

Crow: This is starting to sound suspiciously like the setup for a lemon
scene.
 

>His musings were stopped short by Sailor Moon appearing on the bloody
>battlefield. From the bloodstains on her suit, and the tears pouring out
>of her red eyes,
 

Joel: What?  She morphed into Chibi-usa?

Crow: Or Carrie.
 

>she had been attempting to help the innocent bystanders,
>and hadn't succeeded much.
 

Tom: <Sailor Moon>  Ick!  Blood!  Oh, let me help... oh gross!
His entrails are hanging out!  Ewww!

Crow: If she's so upset, how come she isn't wailing at an inhuman volume
level?
 

>Her eyes met his; her's reflecting outrage, his, amusement. "So, you gonna
>make a speech or what?" he said jokingly, still holding Ami by the hair.
 

Tom: <Sailor Moon> Oh damn, I don't have anything prepared.

Crow: <Sailor Moon>  Ack!  I left my note cards in my other
sailor suit!

Joel: <Sailor Moon>  Well, now that you mention it... uh, I fight
for love and... and... damn, what was the next word?  In the name of the
moon, I will... um... er... oh, poop.
 

>" Aw, screw it."
 

Tom: Great idea.  I'm outta here.  (starts to hover out of seat.)

Joel: Great idea....(pulls out a screw driver and begins fiddling with
Servo's casing.)

Tom: Ack!  (hovers back down.)
 

>He dropped Mercury and launched an attack:"NOVA BEAM FIRE!!!!!!"
>Suddenly, a wall of white fire erupted towards her, and Flynn took pleasure
>in her pitiful attempts to get cover from the blast.
 

Crow: <Sailor Moon>  Somebody get me a WOK, quick!
 

>He followed it up by pulling a _huge_ gun(think Rotarr's gun; that is, if
>you've ever seen it)
 

Tom: If not, just picture a BFG on steroids.

Joel: The BFGOS?

Tom: Cute, Joel.
 

>out of a fold in his cloak and firing at her. He was clearly not aiming not
>directly at her,
 

Joel: Flynn should really start wearing his glasses more often.

Crow: Either Flynn's never handled a gun before or he's about to attempt
the greatest trick shot ever....
 

>but rather bouncing the superheroine around, toying with her like a cat
>with its prey.
 

Joel: Like Shampoo with Ranma....

Tom: Like Oscar with Artemis....

Crow: Ick!
 

>A red rose sprang out and hit Flynn's gun, like an arrow. Flynn threw the
>gun away, where it exploded due to an overload caused by the rose.
 

Crow: Taser-roses?  Cool!

Joel:  Wow.  Tux-boy's gone high-tech.
 

>Tuxedo Kamen hovered, angry and vengeful.
 

Tom: Big deal, I've been doing that for years.

Joel: Cute, Tom.
 

>Flynn nonchalantly glanced at him and said, "Hey, you're part of the
>Nipponian Ambiguisly Gay Duo, aren'tcha?"
 

Crow: Kunzite and Zoisite are accepting new members?

Tom: <Tux-boy> Hey, I'm not the one keeping male slaves and
hogging all the *sailors*, Flynn....
 

>The Demon's mocking attitude infuriated him. "Your reign of terror will
>stop here, you sadistic bastard, I swear!" he yelled.
 

Crow: Who's talking here?

Joel: Tuxedo Kamen, I think.
 

>"Oh, I'll stop, alright, but only when I say so, Bishonen."
 

Crow: <Tux-Boy> Geez, you have back problems from the size of that
chip on your shoulder?
 

>Flynn pulled out a gun he had and trained with for just the occasion. It
>was a .380, loaded with expanding bullets, which the Hellspawn
>unloaded in Tuxedo Kamen's face.  BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
>BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
 

Crow: Ha-ha!  Ten shots up Tux-Boy's nose!

Tom: RELOAD THE CLIP!  RELOAD THE CLIP!

Crow: All right!  Now Chibi-usa will cease to exist!  Way to go, Flynn!
 

>TK's hat floated in the ar as his head first was literally hollowed out,
 

Joel: The rumors were true!
 

>spilling blood, brains, and  pieces of skull out the other end and
>causing him to scream until his mouth began to dribble blood out the side,
>then eventually cracking in two as the body fell, bathed in his own
>blood.
 

Tom: Flynn wins.  FATALITY!

Crow: Why can't this sort of thing happen in "Mama's Hand"?
 

>Due to some strange nerve that had been hit , his left leg still
>kind of jerked a bit.
 

Crow: <Flynn>  No problem.  I'll just empty another clip into it, soak it
with gasoline, set it on fire, blow it up with explosives, stomp it into a
fine paste, pour a bottle of iodine over it, pick at it with a sharp pointy
stick and if that doesn't stop it, there's always my spiky balls....

Tom: Ick....
 

>{Author's Note: I still don't feel that this is gory enough, for some
>reason. What do you think?}
 

Tom: I think Crow covered that problem pretty well.

Joel: I think the author plays a LOT of Quake, Duke Nukem and Shadow
Warrior in his spare time....
 

>The samurai began to laugh.
 

Joel:  <looks around>  Kuno's here?

Tom: I thought samurais were supposed to be honorable guardians and fair
fighters?

Crow: Yeah.  It's the damn ninjas that screw everything up!

Joel: So Flynn's a samurai now?  I thought he was a Hellspawn?

Tom: And before that he was a demon... then a hell-bent commander... he's
a jack of all trades!

Crow: And what happened to the rest of Flynn's gang anyway?
 

>Only one thing left to do.<No,> he thought as he saw Mercury's comatose
>body. <Make that two.>
 

Crow: <groans> There's a joke I'm glad I didn't think of.
 

>**************************&&&&********&&*********&&&&***
>*****************************
 

Crow: 6 &'s dead.  Rest expected to freeze by morning.  Life sucks.  Film
at eleven.

Tom: Freezing and desperate, the surviving &'s resorted to cannibalism to
stay *alive*....
 

>He dragged Sailor Moon to the railing overlooking the skating rink.
 

Tom: <Flynn> Say!  This hairstyle is pretty handy!

Crow: <Flynn> And now I will reenact my favorite scene from 9 1/2
weeks....
 

>"You know, it's kinda sad that your other friends aren't here. I'll have to
>get them later.
 

Joel: <WORMS> Revenge!
 

>Ah, here we are. You see that Rink? It's filled with gasoline." He then
>dropped a cigarette lighter onto the rink, causing a fire insulated by the
>corpses.
 

Crow: Fire insulated by the corpses?

Tom: The hell?!?

Joel: Hmmm, gasoline and lots of melted ice.  Yep, that's a flammable
combination all right.
 

>"I wonder what'll get you first; the fire, the impact, or both?
 

Crow: Maybe she'll choke to death on her own blood?  You ever think of
that, Mr. know-it-all?

Tom: Nah, I think the emotional impact of losing Jupiter will kill her
long before she reaches the bottom....
 

>Unfortunately, I'm gonna detonate this place in, oh, 180 seconds, so I
>won't be able to watch."
 

Joel: Yeah, why break a long standing tradition of villains throughout the ages?
 

>He pulled her close to him and hissed, "It's payback time, Your Majesty,"
>showing for the first time real anger at her.
 

Tom: <Flynn>  I just realized I'm a coward that bullies helpless
victims... AND IT PISSES ME OFF!
 

>Then her threw her over the railing.  Sailor Moon then plunged, screaming,
 

Crow: That can happen when you take the plunge for the first time.
 

>to near-certain death.............
 

Tom: The key phrase here being *near-certain*.

Crow: Will Sailor Moon escape a certain, if implausible, death?
Tune in tomorrow!  Same Flynn time!  Same Flynn channel!
 

>Chapter 2
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Joel: Check it out!  There's a crack in the fanfic!

Tom: Figures.   The author was probably smoking it when he wrote this.
 

>"get that door open, dammit!!"screamed det. Sam Burke.
 

Crow: <Sam> And while you're at it, fix my shift key!
 

>The mall.Once a place for teens to have a brake has been
>turned into a slaughter house.
 

Tom: Meat hooks everywhere....

Crow: Should have gone for their break at McDonalds.
 

>Sam knows how flynn works, and that there's no point in looking for
>survivors.Still,he hopes that someone made it.Sam
 

Joel: Apparently there's no point in putting spaces after periods, either.
 

>reaches for his revolver, and blows the lock off.
 

Crow: I thought locks nowadays were built to withstand a bullet?

Tom: Hey, the mall had to cut back on something to pay for that ice rink.
 

>As Sam charges in, thousands of people stare at him with a question of
>sanity.
 

All: WHAT?!?

Tom: Woah!  Hold the phone!  I *thought* everyone in the mall was
slaughtered!

Joel: Maybe the murders were all a delusional fantasy of Flynn?

Crow: Did he says *thousands* of people?   Is it the holidays or what?
 

>Flynn has been doing this for a year now, and they know that he always
>leaves behind a few small packages.
 

Tom: <singing> Brown paper packages tied up with string....

Crow: Flynn wasn't house broken yet.
 

>Sam's eyes quickly survey the area.The scene has him disgusted and
>impressed at the same time.After all, know one has ever hit such a big
>place so quickly.Even the notorious Billy Kincaid couldn't have
>pulled off so many murders.
 

Joel: I'm totally confused....

Crow: Either Sam had thousands of people with him when he came in,
or the thousands of people standing around ignored the thousands of
murder victims laying dead at their feet....

Tom: It's fics like this that make me think "Hellraisers" wasn't so bad.
 

>Sam has noticed one fault with flynn.
 

Joel: One?!?

Crow: Yeah, and Bill Clinton has one fault with Monica Lewinsky.
 

>he always sets the clocks to 2 min. on all his bombs.
 

Joel: Um... didn't Flynn say he set his bombs for *180* seconds?

Tom: Better late than early in this case.

Tom: Besides, everyone knows *professional* bombers all set their
clocks for 60 seconds.

Crow: Yeah, the unabomber would bust a gut if he read this.
 

>So, Sam figures he has 45 sec.he hears screaming at one end.
>Sam sprints as fast as he can to the ice rink.there, he
>see's a woman.
 

Tom: <Sam> A dame!  Hot damn!

Joel: <Sam>  The name's Spade, dollface....
 

>She's crawled to one side, luckily where Sam is standing.
 

Tom: Just stand there and let her crawl to you, why don't ya?  Jeez....

Crow: <Bogart> I stick my [bleeping] neck out for no [bleeping] body....
 

>He scoops her up, trying to be gentle to the fire wounds, and busts
>through the doors.
 

Tom: Didn't he already do that when he first came in?

Joel: Check it out.  He's doing an impression of Kramer!
 

>a med vac is right outside.Sam lays her down, and tries his best to clear
>the spectators away.
 

Joel: So all those thousands of people were spectators?

Tom: <megaphone> PLEASE DISPERSE... PLEASE DISPERSE...
NOTHING TO SEE HERE... KEEP MOVING....
 

>Too late.The mall shakes the earth,
 

Crow: <Mall>  Was it good for you, baby?
 

>sending people that didn't heed Sams warning,through the air.
 

Joel: Warning?  What warning?

Tom: They flew through the air with the greatest of ease!
 

>Luckily, only a few dozen were killed.
 

Tom: Yeah, what's a few more charred bodies to add to the pile....

Crow: Luckily, the survivors were only crippled for life....
 

>Unfortunetly, this mall was the main attraction to kids, moms, teens,
>and geeks.
 

Joel: I guess those nerds won't be getting revenge.
 

>over 1 thousand people were in that mall every hour,and this
>time of day is rush hour.
 

Crow: Which mall are they at?  West Edmonton?

Tom: Too bad those few dozen people didn't *rush* enough to get
out of the building in time....
 

>Sam, in all the horrific things he's seen, admits to himself that
>smiling burnt babies were the worst.
 

Joel: Okay, already!  We're grossed out!

Tom: Ah, I have a feeling he's doing this just for the shock-value.

Crow: No way!  He's just an artist!

Joel:  Yeah, him and Marilyn Manson....
 

>But he knows something even more disturbing.
 

Tom: This fanfic?

Crow: The Secret of Monkey Island?

Joel: Artemis's Lover?
 

>He has no evidence.Flynn has been kept a secret by the police.
>when this stuff happens, they say it was a missile, followed
>by "those damn dirty Russians!!"{note:its the future}
 

Joel: <Sam the Eagle> You are all weirdoes!

Tom: Yes, those wacky Ruskie bastards are at it again!

Crow: So Flynn's a KGB agent too?

Joel: This fic makes Gorky Park look simple....
 

>those that don't believe the lie, or survived one of his
>attacks, mistereoulsy die.So, in other words,for the past
>year,Flynn has gotten away with millions of unexplanable
>deaths.The person they rescued?She'll be dead tommorow,
>and not from wounds.
 

Crow: When did this turn into an episode of the X-Files?

Tom: Mulder and Scully would have their hands full with this mess.
 

>Sam hasn't ever understood the cover-up,
 

Joel: We haven't even understood the FANFIC!
 

>though.I mean, why would the government not stop him?
>the last time Sam tried to find out,he was warned to
>"keep away"by a groggly man.
 

Crow: Groggly?  You mean he'd just woken up?

Joel: Either that or he's a drunk pirate.
 

>The man was unrecognizable, since his face was covered.
 

Tom: Cobra Commander?

Crow: The Unknown Comic?

Tom: False Face?

Crow: The Ugliest Man in the World?

Joel: It *is* an X-Files episode!
 

>Sam promises himself that this time will be the last time.He slams
>his door shut, and heads for the hospital, hoping that the witness can
>talk.If she can't, then those dead people will once again be
>covered up.{Only he and the witness know of flynn.}
 

Tom: Nice of the author to tell this to us so blatantly instead of pulling
it in through witty and tight writing....
 

>"i'm sorry, mr. Burke, but the patient is still resting.""Sam hisses a cold
>remark, and sits down."fuck you Bill Clinton."
 

Tom: <Monica Lewinsky>  If you insist....

Joel: <Hilary Clinton> Like hell!

Crow: Think the author's a republican?
 

>He remembers that the last year of Bill Clintons career, after admitting
>he had an "affair" with Monica Lawinskey, he had passed a bill saying
>that if you don't find out who the murderer was in any situation
>within three days of the murder, than the case is closed.
 

Tom: Your tax dollars at work....

Joel:  I guess President Clinton wanted to end his presidency with
*everyone* angry at him.

Tom:  All except for murderers and prisoners.  Half of which can't vote
anyway....
 

>Why he did that, know one knows.Sam has a hunch that it
>had something to do with his affair.Sam figures that Lewinsky
>knew Flynn, and while the president was cheating,
 

Tom: WHAT THE HECK DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH SAILOR
MOON?!?

Crow: Yeah, lose the political crapola and get to the good stuff already!

Joel: I'm with you, guys.  But how can we speed things along?  I doubt
closing our eyes will help in this case.

Tom: I've got it!  Let's use the Gary Shandling method!

Crow: Perfect!  You go ahead, Joel.

Joel: *Ahem*  <Gary Shandling>  Okay, a scene has just passed....

Crow: Believe us folks, it's not worth sticking around for.
 

>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Tom: Calm seas ahead?

Joel: We can only hope.
 

>in other places...
 

Crow: They serve free refills?

Tom: The buffet is open till 2:00 pm?

Joel: The waiters actually sing on-key when it's your birthday?
 

>"whataya mean exotic dancin isn't proper?Max, fix 'er
>or i'll give ya another one of those jolts in yer pants.
>The painful kind.
 

Joel: Ack!  No!   Not a shock to the shammies!  I hate those!

Tom: I hope that's what he meant....

Crow: Max is here?  Maybe Sam is from the Freelance Police?

Tom: Max went bad?  Say it ain't so!
 

>"Max heads up the stage."wait, wait, let me.Flynn runs up, knocking
>over max."sorry, pal, but you were dragon me down!get it??
 

Tom: ...no.

Crow: That made no sense whatsoever.  None.  Zip.  Zero.  The Big
Doughnut.  Nada.

Joel: Who wrote Flynn's material?  Dr. Thinker?
 

>aww, screw you."Flynn reaches for amy's panties, and gets slapped in
>the face."you jerk!! get away from me!!She hits him right where it counts.
 

Joel: Quick thinking Amy!  Now change into Sailor Mercury, use your
Shabon Spr... Mercury Bubbles Blast and escape in the confusion!

Crow: Are you kidding?  The transformation sequence alone would give
Flynn plenty of time to kill her!
 

>max slightly giggles."Honey, what was that for?I'm just youre average
>criminal.
 

Crow: ...with fluffy white ears and a callus disregard for private property.

Joel: He's mad I tell you!  Mad!

Tom: Max hasn't been the same since Thunderdome....

Crow: Nah, he's beyond Thunderdome by now.
 

>Don't want to much.Come on, after today,i deserve a brake.p.s.
>decided to take a brake with you!! love, Flynn." "youre a wonderful poet,
>honestly." "shut up, max!" when he turns back, Amy see's that she has
>to get close to him to learn his tricks.She puts her finger in her mouth,
>and reaches down Flynns pants.Max utters,"those were the good days..."
>soon,
 

All: Wha....???
 

>Flynn is all over Amy like a monkey in mating season.
 

All: Ah....

Crow: <Garfield> Whoever wrote this should be dragged out
into the street and shot....

Tom: That was a test.  Had that been an actual paragraph, you might have
learned something.
 

>He reaches his hands onto her pants, and rips them off,
>gently curessing her pussy.His tongue circles her nipple,
>and glides all over her body.His finger makes its way into
>amy's pussy, and feels the soft, wet liquid flow out.
>Her mouth fits over his cock, and blows hard.
 

Tom: Because you see, it's a *blow* job!  Get it?

Crow:  The author made a funny!

 
>He can't help to think this is the best sex he's ever had.
 

Crow: Not to mention the fastest.

Joel: Thank goodness....
 

> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

Joel: ....

Tom: Scene change....

Crow: A-yep....
 

>in other places....
 

Crow: David Hasselhoff is considered a talented singer?

Tom: They have two dollar coins called Toonies?

Joel: We're evil and MST good fanfics?

(Crow and Tom stare at Joel)

Joel: Uh... never mind....
 

>Sam sits and waits an hour, watching as people rush in and out.
 

Crow: ...of the pool.
 

>His chair scoots closer to the radio.the singer is screaming
>"i will....let you....I will let you dowwwwnn!!"
 

Tom: This fanfic was a letdown from the get go.
 

>He can't stand the song, so he changes to a station more his style.
 

Crow: <radio>  You must remember this... A kiss is just a kiss....

Tom: <Max> Playing it again, Sam?
 

>"in other news,another missile was fired off today,and
>managed to land right on a mall.
 

Tom: Fortunately, it never detonated.  Unfortunately, a group of wackos
with guns broke in and wasted the place soon afterwards....

Crow: Thousands of valley girls were in mourning as they had to do
their shopping downtown....

Joel: Uh, I'll bet it's those damn Ruskies again!  Yeah!
 

> Heres what witnesses have to say:
 

Tom: <Butthead>  Uh... We like, saw a bunch of dudes shoot
a bunch of wieners... uhuhuhuh... and then, they like, fought these chicks
with really short skirts... I think she was like naked underneath... uhuhuhuh....

Crow: <Beavis> hehehehehehh... Yeah!  And this wiener with a
mask got shot in the face over and over... He fired! fired! fired! fired! fired!
fired!... hheheheheheheh....

Tom: <Butthead> Settle down, asswipe!
 

>"well, i was walking along, and like, i saw all, like these people
> going in and out of the mall dressed in black carrying guns--what??"
> the announcer yells."guys with guns?but they said it was a missi-"
 

Tom: So much for the cover up....

Crow: Boy, Cancerman's going to be pissed.

Joel: <Ren>  You Eeeeediots!
 

>the announcer is cut short, as yelling is heard in the
>background.He hears the announcer yell "what kinda cop are you?"
 

Tom: COPS... in the Mall!
 

>followed by gunfire, followed by static.Sam is gone in 5 seconds.
 

Joel: <Sam> Help!  I'm being shot at by static!
 

>he fumbles with his keya, and jumps in his buick.He blazes his
>sirens, and heads back to the mall....
 

Crow: <Sam>  I just remembered I left Sailor Moon there!
 

>what will happen?
>can flynn get away with the crime?
 

Tom: Find out in the next thrilling chapter: Son of Sam!
 

>come back soon.
 

Crow: Not bloody likely....

Tom: Man, this fic had stinkburger written all over it....

Crow: You said it!  It was downright painful!

Tom: What did you think of it, Joel?

Joel: Actually, it reminded me of one of those Jackie Chan fake
films.  Like "Dance of the Drunken Mantis" or "Jackie Chan's Second
Strike"....

Crow: Because the senshi's roles were either a cameo or non-existent?

Tom: He's right!  This fic basically used Sailor Moon's name to get
attention for a boring political government conspiracy X-Files story.

Crow: Yeah, what was with all that political satire?  It made no sense
and it wasn't even funny!

Joel: Well, why don't we show everybody how it's done!

Tom: How?

Joel: Follow me....
 

* * *
 

SATELLITE OF LOVE
 

 Joel Robinson stood on the deck of the satellite, flanked by his two
robot companions. On a nearby table rested a television set, its screen
currently blank.

 "My fellow Americans." Joel looked into Cambot's lens and spoke
in the wooden and clumsy manner of one obviously reciting a script. "Today,
we of the satellite of Love present to you a... um, a presentation. Its
title is Bill Clinton: The Untold Story."

 An image of Clinton delivering a speech appeared on the TV
screen, as Crow spoke with considerably more energy than his creator.
"Yes, President Bill Clinton. We've all seen him on the television news.
But just how much do we really know about the man himself?"

 Tom Servo continued in a dramatic announcer's voice. "We all
know from the inexplicably-titled fanfiction '*R*P*M*' the story of how
Clinton arranged the brutal and grisly murder of everyone's beloved Sailor
senshi, then -- completely on his own -- established a three-day statute
of limitations for murder in order to cover up a petty affair. Have you,
the audience at home, wondered just what other secrets lie in this man's
past?"

 "Tonight, you'll find out," Joel said. "Crow?"

 "Thank you, Joel. Clinton's career of dastardly deeds began
early in his life. As an Oxford student visiting Moscow, the young
Clinton secretly met with Soviet leaders and sold them one of the United
States most carefully guarded military secrets: the five hundred dollar
hammer."

 "For Bill Clinton, Moscow was only the beginning," Tom
continued. "On the 31st of April in 1972, he exploded a bomb in
LaGuardia airport for no particular reason. Not only was the death toll
in the thousands, but air traffic was forced to divert by way of Newark."

 "But the roots of corruption run even deeper," Joel said. "As a
boy on a high school field trip, Clinton was seen kissing one Bobbi Jo
Harris, ninth grader. His desperate plot to eliminate the one witness to the
deed eventually culminated in the death of President John F. Kennedy."

 Crow cleared his throat. "Bill Clinton; who, as documented
evidence clearly shows, negotiated a deal during World War II whereby
the Hitler regime of Nazi Germany purchased several hundred armored
tanks at discount prices from Bubba's Used Cars of Floydville, Arkansas.
Clinton reportedly sent der Fuhrer a nice card every year on his birthday."

 "Yes, Bill Clinton, who, as President, signed the welfare reform
bill, pushing millions of people into slave jobs at starvation-level wages,
with no rights to..." Tom paused, noticing the looks he was getting from
his friends. "What?"

 "Tom...." Joel shook his head. "Tom, Tom... you just don't get it,
do you?"

 "What? WHAT?"  Tom exclaimed, confused.

 "Never mind. It's too late. C'mon, Crow." Joel walked quietly off
the deck.

 "Geek," Crow muttered as he quickly followed.

 Tom looked around. "Uh, guys... I think we're still on...." The only
sound was the steady blipping of the satellite navigational system. Then he
noticed the flashing light on the console. The Mads were calling.  "What do
you think, Sirs?" he asked.
 

*       *       *
 

DEEP 13
 

 Dr. Forrester shook his fist at the screen. "I told you, *I* was
the one who exploded that bomb!"

 Frank cringed. "I'll... heh... I'll just push the button."

 The screen went blank as Tom Servo watched. Frank's voice
was heard.

 "Say, do you think I look like Clinton?"
 

THE REAL END.
 

(Feel free to hum the closing theme as you read my author's notes.)
 

Lucky MSTing 13 is complete!  I had writer's block with the Ranma 1/2
fic by Sheep and when two people were nice enough to send this one to
me, at the same time no less, I couldn't resist taking it on.

I'd like to give very special thanks to Robin "Lunari" Seabaugh, Gary
Kleppe and Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong who were all very helpful in giving
me C&C and ideas for this MSTing.  Besides their usual contributions,
Gary and Jeff also wrote the ending and opening SOL sketches for this
MSTing when I had writer's block and the Tuxedo Mask Dartboard was
Robin's idea.  I couldn't have finished this MSTing without their help
and I can't thank them enough.  :)

Another person I would like to give very special thanks to is Shizen,
who was nice enough to dedicate a webpage for my MSTings.  Shizen
has his own IRC and Beseen.com chatrooms, along with several other
features including a growing collection of Ranma 1/2 and Sailor Moon
fanfics.  My other fanfics as well as Robin "Lunari" Seabaugh's can be
found in these collections and new submissions are very welcome.  Check
it out in the links section below.   :)

I'd also like to thank Timothy McLees, Luna and Artemis, Chris
Bergstrom, Jay Dee Archer (Jupiter Knight), Michael K. Neylon, and
Sakura for being nice enough to post my MSTings on their webpages.
If there's anyone else I missed, I apologize.

Finally, I'd like to thank Theo Mintesnot for coming up with a love theme
for this series by changing a few words.  I changed a few myself but it
was his idea and I appreciate it.  :)

C&C, as always, is appreciated.  (fcasper@yesic.com)    Feel free to
send in any anime fanfics that you would like to see MSTed and I'll take
a look at it.  Also, if you're interested in seeing any previous episodes
of this series, I'll be happy to e-mail them to you.  ;)

Sincerely,

Megane 6.7
 

A MSTing for all Seasons
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
A full archive of all Mystery Science Theater 6.7 episodes, Megane 6.7
fanfiction, and collaborations!

Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0
http://svhp.webjump.com/  (Contains links to my MSTings and fanfics)
(Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/)

Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/
 

SEASON ONE
------------------

101- "GAMES" by Artemis  (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER"  (Original Draft)  by Oscar  (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA"  by The Flashman
(SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER)
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker  (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin  (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave  (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson  (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave  (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
(SM/WWF Crossover)
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon  (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER
CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker  (SM Christmas Fanfic)

SEASON TWO
-------------------
201- "THAT GIRL"  PT. 1-2  by Oscar  (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino  (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn  (SM/SPAWN Crossover)
204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2  by Hitomi Ichinohei  (R1/2 Fanfic)
205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz  (SM Lemon)
206- "OSCAR TOON"  PT. 1-4 by Oscar  (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover)
207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari
(Mutiple Crossover Lemon)
208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep  (R1/2 Fanfic)
209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS  (SM Lemon)
210- "URUSEI YATSURA: THE KIDNAPPING" by Shutaro Mendou
(UY Lemon)

SEASON THREE
----------------------
301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea  (R1/2 Lemon)
302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal  (R1/2 Fanfic)
303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure  (R1/2 Fanfic)
304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea  (R1/2 Fanfic)
w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea  (R1/2 Fanfic)
305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON"
by Dr. Thinker  (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic)
306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz  (SM Crossover Lemon)
307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer  (R1/2 Fanfic)
308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent
(R1/2 Lemon)

SHORTY!
-------------
101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY!
102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET!
103- PHEROMONES!
104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!

OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO
---------------------------------------------------------
"DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker  (SM Fanfic)
"MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff  (SM/TNG Crossover)

Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/

"THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin  (SM Dark Lemon)
"9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams  (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon)

Lefty's MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm

'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE!
(Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle)

Website Number 9 MSTings
http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml

"THE DAY OF EMERGENCE" by Jeffrey Lee
(Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover)

"REDHEADS" by Robert Haynie
(Slayers/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)

Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING

Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page
http://www.nav.to/Zoogz

The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html

'Suicide Blast' by: Keener
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html
Additional links for Keener's stuff
-- http://tmffa.com/
-- http://www.redrival.com/myrriden/index.html

Flashman's Flash Point
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/

JOLT!!!
http://members.home.net/jolt.caffiene/welcome.htm

Website Number 9 MSTings
http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml

Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page!
http://carnage.fanfic.org

A Sailor Moon Romance
http://moonromance.simplenet.com/

Zen's Fanfiction Page
http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html

Webdragon's Lair
http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/

Sean Gaffney's Webpage
http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html
 

"Joel: <Jupiter> Hello.  My name is Sailor Jupiter.  You remind
me of my old boyfriend.  Prepare to DIE."
 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1998 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
 

Keep Circulating the Fanfics....