Ma Vie et Roses, Part 1
    (A "Shoujo Kakumei Utena" Self-Insertion MST)

   MSTed by: Scott "Zoogz" Jamison

 ==
   Mystery Science Theater 3000, situations and characters, are
 property of and copyright by Best Brains.  Shoujo Kakumei Utena is
 property of Shogakukan and Terebi Tokyo in Japan, and Central Park
 Media in the United States.  "Ma Vie et Roses" is the property of
 Scott Jamison and Scott Johnson and used with their permission.  This
 is intended as a parody, and not to be taken offensively.

   All additional references/situations are copyrighted by their
 original owners, too numerous to mention without crashing mail
 programs.  Please don't harm this poor little hack writer...

   The original copy of this work of fiction can be found at:
     http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/5990
 ==

   -In an apartment somewhere in Wisconsin-

   As the opening credits rolled for "The Crawling Eye", Mike still
 felt a bit uneasy.  Tom and Crow were both sitting on the couch on
 either side of him, just like in the old days... but it was just too
 good to be true.  'We are off that satellite, and I can see all of my
 family and friends again... and Tom and Crow are finally free of
 horrible films... well, Dr. F inflicted horrible films.  Why do I
 feel like something's still...'

   "Mike, wake up!  The Mads are calling"
   "Oh, thanks Gypsy... wait, aren't you running ConGypsCo?"
   "What, Mike?"
   "Gypsy... where am I?"
   "Mike, you're on the Satellite of Love... where else would you be?"
   "I'm *where*?" Mike said with a dangerous tone.
   "The SOL.  You'd better answer the light, because the Mads have
 been calling now for about ten minutes."
   Calming down to where he wasn't going to do random satellite
 damage, Mike stepped out to the bridge of the SOL.  Both Tom and Crow
 were there, comparing comic book collections again.  Mike decided to
 try his luck once more and asked them, "Guys?  Didn't we escape when
 Mrs. F broke the joystick that controlled the SOL?"
   Tom looked as blank as a gumball machine *could* look.  "Mrs. F?"
   Crow turned around and replied, "Mike... are you okay, man?  You've
 been sleeping for four days now.  Is that the kind of dream you had?
 Boy, tell me where to sign up for that hallucination!"
   Mike, summarily defeated, turned towards the viewscreen and hit the
 red flashing button on the desktop.

   "So, booby, how did you like my invention for today's Invention
 Exchange?"  Clayton Forrester, resplendent in a lime-green tuxedo,
 began chuckling to himself.  "You know, Mike, I've been working on
 that REM displacement machine for a very long time.  Too bad it only
 works once on any subject... five years worth of horrible movies, and
 that was only a dream!  Mwahahaha!  This is truly a red-letter day
 for mad science everywhere!"

   "So you were the one to do that to me!  If I ever get down
 there..."

   "Careful, Mike, some things were slightly true from your dream...
 remember when I gave you 'This Island Earth'?  That oxygen vacuum is
 fully-functioning..."

   Mike, finally winning his fight against his temper, asked Dr.
 Forrester, "So what was the last experiment that we did up here
 anyway?"
   Tom interjected, "Mike, it was 'Alien from L.A.', exactly five days
 and six hours ago"
   Mike was horror-stricken.  "'Alien from L.A.'?  That means I've
 seen..."

   "Exactly 87 bad movies, yes.  Quite a nightmare, isn't it?"  Dr.
 Forrester chuckled even louder.  "So, where's your invention this
 week?"

   As he was scowling, Mike looked at Crow and at Tom, who both shook
 their heads.  "We don't have one, sir.  These guys tell me that Joel
 was better at it anyway..."

   "Yes, he was... which makes my plan that much more evil..."
   Frank finally made an appearance to the denizens of the SOL and
 reminded Dr. Forrester, "Steve, you said that that would be your
 surprise after they waded through this week's post."
   "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you folks... we've switched formats
 after the cabinet of movies was magnetized following the successful
 testing of my 'What's the Frequency, Frankie' REM disruptor.  We
 found a post by Scott Johnson and SKJAM!, entitled 'Ma Vie Et Roses'.
 And Mike... if I don't see an invention by the second break, we might
 have to pad the experiment with more experiment... and it won't be
 all that enjoyable for you, either.  Send them the fic, Frank."
   "Okely-dokely, Stevie-Chiefo."

   The satellite shook rapidly, in the one purpose that everyone knew.
   "Ah, we have... what is that light for, Tom?"
   "Dr. F programmed Gypsy to install it... that's our fic light!"
   "Okay.  We have fic light!"

 (Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate)
 (Door #6: a Dutch double-door.  You open the top and fall over the
    bottom)
 (Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
 (Door #4: it's a garage door.  You have to open it manually)
 (Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well)
 (Door #2: It's a wardrobe.  You open the door... but no Narnia)
 (Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps
    you inside)

   (Mike enters the theater with Tom in his hands.  After setting Tom
 down on his left and sitting down, Crow comes in and sits in the far
 right-hand seat)

 >Ma Vie Et Roses

 Tom:  EWWW!
 Mike: What, Tom?  We've barely even started, and you're already sick?
 Tom:  It's going to be about a French kiddie drag queen!  The movie
      was bad enough, you hear me!  RuPaul wannabes are not my idea of
      fine literature!!
 Mike: Relax, Tom... see, it's "et Roses", not "en Roses".  The Mads
      wouldn't be *that* cruel.
 Tom:  Okay, fine, but the first transvestite that I see I'm holding
      you personally responsible, Mike!

 >C&C, MSTs and other fun stuff welcome!

 Mike: And that's where we come in, isn't it?
 Crow: Unfortunately...

 >[brackets indicate thoughts.

 Mike: So in that case, who's thoughts are these?

 >Unless and until someone in the story develops telepathy, they're
 >always Skyler's.]

 Crow: So the people in this story are always going to fall in love
      with Skyler?
 Mike: No, they're talking about the brackets!

 >{brackets indicate, well, you'll see.}

 Crow:  Ooh, the surprise bracket ending!  Woohoo!
 Mike:  Wait up here... I thought the brackets already had a purpose.
 Tom:   Gee, Mike, why don't we nitpick the authors about the braces
       already?

 >  It was another miserable day in midwinter in Minnesota.  Skyler
 >cursed under his breath as a passing car sprayed near-freezing slush
 >onto his leg.

 Crow: So the car just jumped the curb and lifted its fender, eh?
 Tom:  Folks, when cars go out of their way to mark their territory on
      you, you know it's a bad afternoon

 >At least he had a job this month.  He could buy some more computer
 >time, and save up for a VCR.  Oh, and groceries.

 Mike: So does this mean he has a time-share computer?
 Crow: The sewer bill, however, can always be ignored until the brown
      trout outnumber the dead goldfish in this loser's tank.

 >  He shook his leg to remove

 Tom:  ...those annoying feelings of inadequacy!
 Mike: Try as you might, poor man, you won't get rid of them.
 Crow: He's a self-insert that even his own authors don't care
      about...

 >the worst of the slush, and plodded up the stone steps to his
 >apartment building.  Skyler fished out his keys, as for a change the
 >"security" door was actually locked.

 Tom:  It was probably the burglars who did that while he was away.
 Crow: Warning other burglars to stay away, I'd bet.

 >Then it was up more stairs.

 Crow: And down five floors for a totally unexpected pratfall!
 Mike (the authors):  "He's so pathetic, he lives in a closet!  No,
      wait!  He lives in a dog carrier!  No, no, I'll get it pretty
      soon!  Just a sec..."

 >  The landlord still hadn't gotten around to fixing the shower in
 >the shared bathroom, and Skyler made a mental note to complain
 >again.  He opened his apartment door, and entered.

 Tom:  Inside there was an intervention!
 Mike: Happosai and Ataru were in there to lead him towards a more
      satisfying life as a pervert.

 >  Ah, home at last, such as it was.  The clutter of videotapes,
 >books, magazines, and other media greeted him silently,

 Crow: Paparazzi being silent?

 >as it did every night.  His best friends, in a way.  At least they
 >never broke his heart.

 Mike: Again, folks, he is a loser.  Just making sure you know.
 Crow (the authors):  "He's such a loser, he doesn't have any friends!
      How about... Everyone hates his guts!  Wait, I got it.. he has a
      bad credit rating to boot!  Yeah, that's it!"

 >  Skyler made a quick meal of scrambled eggs,

 Tom:  With his favorite vegetable, ketchup!

 >reading through his mail.  Bill, bill, sweepstakes ("I *wish*"),
 >letters from a couple of his fellow otaku.  Big convention this
 >weekend, too bad he couldn't go.  And a magazine.

 Mike: "Loners Illustrated"
 Crow: "Better Bombs and Grenades"
 Tom:  "Blood Redbook"

 >An anime magazine, of course.

 Mike: Oh, of course...
 Tom:  You know, Mike, this is starting to sound like your hollow
      existence living in Wisconsin all those years...
 Mike: Aww, c'mon!  I wasn't *this* bad!
 Crow: Yeah right, Mike... weren't you the one who said that you were
      living in a hayloft for almost three months?
 Mike: I was just waiting for the cheese factory to hire me!  Gimme a
      break!

 >In Japanese, the only way to go, even if he still had a preschooler
 >reading level.

 Mike: Reducing him to looking at the pictures constantly and
      scratching his head?

 >Brightly colored pictures; beautiful, exotic places; good-looking,
 >exciting people that had adventures Skyler could only dream about.

 Tom:  Would these be the good fan-service dreams or Cthulu
      nightmares?
 Crow: For that matter... does the fan-service match La Blue Girl?

 >  He frowned at himself in the mirror as he brushed his teeth.

 Tom:  That's quite a talent he has there. Maybe Ed Sullivan would...
      ROLL OVER IN HIS GRAVE!
 Crow: Just wait until he smirks while rinsing!

 >36 years old, mousy brown hair, weak blue eyes behind thick glasses,
 >slightly overweight, and with the beard he'd grown simply because it
 >was

 Mike: And here we have bold paint strokes detailing Skyler's life as
      a loser.
 Tom:  The reader is hit over the head with the paintbrush, too!
 Crow: I wonder if SI characters can sue their creators for cruel and
      unusual description.

 >too dangerous for him to shave.  No girlfriend, no social life
 >outside his hobbies, no prospects.

 Crow: "But take his prospects for example.  When I looked them over
      the other day it was about the poorest list I've ever seen!"
 Mike: What was that, Crow?
 Crow: Oh, that was before... Never mind, Mike.

 >  Skyler turned on the radio and listened to classical music as he
 >leafed through the magazine again.

 Crow (Skyler): "Now where was that 900 number?"
 Tom  (Skyler): "Hey, lookit the pretty knives!  Let's see if I can
      read them.  Kii... nnn... soo.  No, wait, that's 'gii'."

 >His eye fell on a pink-haired girl in a curious costume.

 Tom:  *NO* Chibi-Usa.  *NO* Chibi-Usa. *NO*...
 Mike: It's Madonna's new look!
 Crow: Lessee, it's only been how long since the last one?

 >Utena, one of the new shows he didn't know much about.  When he got
 >a VCR again, he'd have to try and get some tapes of it.

 Mike: He gots ta gets him a VCR!
 Tom  (Skyler): "I'll corner the Utena market!  I'll perform a hostile
      takeover!"
 Crow: Hey, Tom, the eighties are over... you know?
 Tom:  Oh, sorry, just flashing back to old comics of "Shoe"

 >  He traced the line of her cheek on the page.

 Mike (Skyler): "Hey, I used to have an inflatable doll that looked
      just like you!"
 Tom:  You know Mike, I think the authors have your biography and
      they're plagarizing your life.

 >"So pretty...but I'll never meet you.  And even if I did, you
 >wouldn't like me.  Women

 Crow (Skyler): "...hate me because I'm all stinky and I smell like
      rotten cabbage."
 Tom:  The authors're going to have this poor guy raiding the
      dumpsters out back pretty soon.

 >never do."  Skyler sighed.  Time to sleep, to allow him to get up in
 >time for work again.

 Mike: Well, give Skyler credit.  He didn't stay up to look at
      Internet porn or anything.
 Crow: Gee, point for him.

 >  "I wish...I wish I could have an anime life..."

 Crow (Skyler): "Neon light, neon bright!  First neon sign I see
      tonight!"
 Mike (Skyler): "I wish I may, I wish I might... have the wish I wish
      tonight."
 Crow (Skyler): "Oh heavenly sign!  Is there anything that you could
      do to take me away from this mundane life!  Anything to get me
      out of the clutches of those mean authors who make me one of the
      hugest losers on the face of the earth!  And could you get me an
      anime babe while you're at it?"
 Tom  (Almighty Voice): "No.  *Thhbt*!"
 Mike: Even neon signs give Skyler the raspberry tonight.

 >                            MA VIE ET ROSES

 Mike: Speaking of neon signs...
 Tom:  Well, my ma et herse'f some of them grits that tweren't that
      good...
 Crow: Yeah, she done got tore up sum'in' fierce!
 Mike: Guys, we already sound like "Laugh In"...

 >                  by Scott Johnson and Scott Jamison

 Tom:  How many walls would we break if we mentioned that this was
      MSTed by Scott Jamison?
 Mike: Let's not find that out, shall we?

 >(All characters and settings except Skyler Sands and the state of
 >Minnesota are the creation of Saitou Chihou and BePapas.  Publishing

 Crow: The setting of Minnesota is the property of Hell, and as such
      is allowed to be infringed upon with impunity.
 Mike: Now come on, Crow... Minnesota isn't that bad.
 Tom:  Mike, why don't you break yet another wall and step outside the
      studio.  Now, how many other places in the United States that
      aren't mountains or Alaska get snow in May?

 >rights are held by Shogakukan and Terebi Tokyo in Japan, and Central
 >Park Media in the United States.  No challenge to these rights is
 >intended.)

 Tom: "BUT THE CHALLENGE IS ACCEPTED ANYWAY!!  MWAHAHA!"
 Mike: Tom, no!  *ahem*  Exactly as the disclaimer says, folks!

 >                              CHAPTER 1:
 >                      "Sora kara Ochita Oujisama"

 Crow: I have a sudden urge to sing "Sandy Frank" right about now...
 Tom:   Oh, hey, let me guess!  Umm, "The Sushi that Rides Tricycles!"
 Crow:  No, you fool!  You see, it has "Zorro" at the beginning in
       Japanese... that must mean it's a bad dub with Antonio
       Banderas!
 Mike:  How about we let the Scotts explain it?
 'Bots: Okay.

 >                  [The Prince who Fell from the Sky]

 Tom:  At least it didn't say, "Fugitive Alien Three: Captain Joe
      Models Speedos".
 Crow: Uggh.

 >  He sighed.  "Ah, who am I kidding?  My life is many things, but a
 >self-insertion fic isn't one of them."

 Crow: We could tell by the frightful lack of anything resembling
      praise or heroics.
 Mike: Don't tell me this turns all angsty on us now...

 >His gaze lingered on the pages of the magazine as he flipped through
 >page after page of beautiful women.

 Tom:  Hey, Mike, you were saying something about porn?
 Mike: Who was I to know the little horn-dog would last a bit longer
      than the average?
 Crow: And just who set the average, *Mike*?
 Mike: Crow, don't start.

 >Chuuka Ichiban, Nadesico, Virus, Rekka no Honou, Utena...

 Mike: Sounds like a bad Chinese joint's menu.
 Tom:  Except "Virus", which is what the chef has as he sneezes in
      your food.

 >Every new anime out there, like every old one, filled to the brim
 >with beautiful girls he'd never meet the like of, adventure he'd
 >never come anywhere close to, *meaning* his life so often lacked...

 Tom:  The Mads wouldn't send us a snuff fic, would they?
 Mike: Hey, look on the bright side... that would mean we're almost
      done.
 Crow: Snuff! Snuff! Snuff!

 >  [If only...] He thought to himself as his eyes drooped closed.
 >[If only it could be real, or I could be...]

 Mike: o/~  When you wish upon a star
 Crow (Skyler): "I wish I could be a real boy!  And have a real life!"
 Mike: o/~  Makes no difference who you are
 Tom  (Fairy Godmother): "I can't do that, Skyler... you're not even
      concrete, you're one-dimensional.  Even that woodcarver gave me
      something to work with... bye, Skyler!"
 Mike: o/~  Anything your heart desires will come...to... you.....
 Crow (Skyler): "But my apartment attracts crickets by the truckload!
      My mother can double for a whale!  Heck, she even looks like
      Geppetto! Please, come back!"
 Tom  (Fairy Godmother): "*Thhbt*!"
 Mike: You know Tom, you're starting to sound like Bill the Cat.

 >  Skyler dreamed that night--a strange dream, even as dreams go.

 Mike: Yeah, the dream where you are walking down a street, and run
      into a walrus... but this walrus gives you a free sample of
      Avon, and you use that to buy yourself a seven-ball and a sawed-
      off pool cue, but Bill Gates shows up in a flying dinghy and
      beats you up and takes your right arm, and...
 Crow: Mike, honey, are you finished yet?  You're starting to scare
      us.

 >There was a wall, inlaid with a curious pattern--two large roses,
 >with their stems twining around each other.  Strange, plunking
 >music--like a

 Tom:  ...group of musicians throwing large rocks into the nearby pond
      and making "Water Music".

 >simple music box, repeating over and over--played, punctuated by
 >strange chimes, or was that a theremin?

 Crow: Theremin?
 Tom:  It's a vitamin from the B complex.
 Crow: Oh, okay!

 >A spotlight shone onto the wall from somewhere he couldn't see,
 >casting the shadows of two girls, likewise unseen, onto the wall.

 Mike: Shadow puppet fights were the rule of the day!
 Crow: Ahh, we found one of the first problems with this fic.
 Tom:  Where at?
 Crow: Remember folks, never let inanimate objects do important work
      like "casting", or they might end up putting losers like Skyler
      into your fics too.
 Tom:  Oh, saw it!

 >  "Kashira, kashira!" said one of the girls, the one with a bow in
 >her hair and strange antennae.  It was Japanese, but somehow, he
 >could understand it perfectly.

 Crow: As we enter the land of the Babel fish.

 >Well, of course.  It was a dream.  "I wonder, I wonder!  I wonder
 >how those beings from that `Earth' shall receive us."

 Tom:  Heck, just land in Los Angeles and they won't even notice!

 >  The other girl, with two pigtails and similarly strange antennae,
 >replied, "They're strange beings indeed.  Might they not run from us
 >or hate us?"

 Mike (Pigtailed Girl): "Should they not despise us or loathe us or
      flee from our presence? Will they not dislike us and distance
      themselves from us?"
 Tom  (Bow-haired Girl): "Oh shut up, Sherri!"

 >  "Why would they do that?"  The first girl struck a dramatic pose,
 >one hand clasped to her heart, the other raised theatrically as she
 >gazed into the sky.

 Crow: And another graduate of community theater rears her ugly
      melodramatics.

 >"Are we not wise and benevolent?  Do we not have the means to right
 >all the wrongs they have suffered?  Will we not perfect their planet
 >and raise it to its place among the stars?"

 Mike: Are we not men, we are Devo?

 >She pressed the back of a hand to her brow.  "Oh, the great lengths
 >we go to to help others! Oh, such nobility we possess!  Let us go
 >among them and demonstrate our greatness and humility!"

 Crow (Pigtailed Girl): "Don't you mean 'grossness and hostility'?"

 >  "Aye, sir!"  The second girl saluted and pulled a lever on the
 >shadow of a bank of controls (had that been there before?)  The
 >first

 Crow: So who's talking now?
 Mike: Hmm, good question.  I vote it's pigtails
 Tom: No, no, it's the one with the bow.

 >girl leapt forth--
 >  To a plain defined by the shadows of strange, twisted and barren
 >rock formations.

 Mike: Whoa, that came out of nowhere!
 Crow: "Okay, people, *who* cued the desert scenery?"

 >The second girl stood there already, wearing a different and
 >altogether stranger set of antennae.

 Crow: Her new and improved antennae pick up Canadian television for
      old "Sailor Moon" reruns.

 >  "Kasei ni irrashai!" she called out in a cheery but robotic
 >voice.  "Welcome to Mars!"

 Tom:  All she needs is a smile and she is almost Nuku-Nuku.

 >  "Girk!"  The first girl stiffened with a startled and frustrated
 >sound, giving every impression of just avoiding facefaulting.

 Crow: *chuckling* So does that make her "Girk the Girl"?
 Mike (Pigtailed Girl): "Girk, quit playing with the controls!  Now
      get over here and help with the batallion insertion diagrams!"
 Tom  (Bow-hair/Girk): "Yes, master!  Tee-hee!"
 Crow (Pigtailed Girl): "Later, Girk, later!  We have work to do now!"
 Mike: Guys...

 >  And then he woke up.

 Mike: Are you guys ready for it?
 Tom:  About as ready as I'll ever be...

 >  Skyler blinked his eyes in the bright sunlight.  [What a weird
 >dream,] he thought muzzily as he covered his eyes with an arm.

 Tom  (Skyler): "That's the last time I eat potato salad with extra
      tabasco right before going to bed..."
 Crow: Do you think muzzily, Mike?
 Mike: Well, I try not to.

 >[Guess anime's been eating my brain too much recently.  Wonder what
 >time...]
 >  That was when several things hit him at once.

 Tom:  Sounds like all the characters want to beat Skyler up before
      the "self-insertion" even begins...

 >  It was far too bright to be anywhere near when he should have
 >woken up.

 Tom  "COME INTO THE LIGHT..."
 Mike: I suppose they tore the boards off from his windows then.

 >  It was, in fact, far too bright for him to be indoors at all.

 Tom:  So he's a sonambulist?

 >  He was lying on some extremely hard, flat surface--marble
 >perhaps, or some other stone floor.

 Crow: As opposed to sleeping on his clothes-strewn wood floor?

 >  He could hear a multitude of distant voices--a crowd somewhere in
 >the near distance, talking, laughing, arguing, going about their
 >day.

 Tom  (Character): "Folks, as you might know, there's a self-insert
      that has landed here.  Anyone who can hide, do so... the rest of
      us can get beat up nobly."
 Mike (Character): "Get the crowbars and semi-automatic weaponry.
      We'll see if we can't get rid of this cancer before it gets
      malignant!"
 Tom  (Character): "You're only going to provoke it!"

 >  He could smell the all-pervasive perfume of roses, enveloping him
 >in their scent.

 Mike: I have the mental image of a huge pink cloud here...

 >  He felt like he was wearing something far different than what he
 >had drifted off in.

 Crow (Skyler): "What happened to my lacy, frilly, fabulous
      nightgown?"

 >  For that matter, he felt *different*, period.

 Tom:  Now he experiences touching sensations with his hair?

 >  Skyler was on his feet and looking about wildly in a matter of
 >seconds.  Something was very wrong here, as if that wasn't the
 >understatement of a millennium.

 Mike (Skyler): "They don't have Seven-Elevens!  How will I eat?"

 >For one thing, barring alien abduction or the like, one didn't
 >generally go to sleep in a somewhat grungy apartment and wake up in
 >what looked to be some sort of grassy courtyard,

 Tom:  Well, *eviction* might be another possibility at this point...
      Who knows what kind of buildings are in his general
      neighborhood.

 >quartered by white marble pathways and surrounded by buildings that
 >looked half like a school and half like the Parthenon, not to
 >mention one thing that looked like a giant glass birdcage.  And more
 >than that...

 Crow: Somewhere off to his left, a chorus began to chant, "Beam of
       the sun, fairest light that ever dawned on Thebe of the seven
       gates..."

 >  He'd always wondered, in his more idle moments, what it was like
 >for otakufic characters to find themselves in an anime.

 Tom:  Would they be instantly persecuted for past treatment?
 Crow: Did the Multiverse enact 'Jim Crow' laws on these poor people?
 Mike: Is one going to be made into an example for SIs everywhere?

 >Did they remain the same and encounter people who looked like what
 >their favorite anime characters would look like if they were real?
 >Or did they become

 Crow: "...part of a worldwide conspiracy to cover up the truth of
      aliens among us?"

 >animated themselves?  And how did they adjust to walking about in a
 >world with less shading, more abstraction, and bolder, simpler
 >colors?

 Tom:  So, like a Jackson Pollock painting.
 Crow: Only with less structure.

 >  In Skyler's case, the answers were no, yes, and not very well for
 >the first few moments, respectively.

 Mike: In our case, the answers are "maybe", "3 degrees Kelvin", and
      "42"

 >  "Wow."  This summed up his immediate and heartfelt reaction.

 Tom  (Skyler): "Duhh.... wow and stuff."

 >  Skyler looked down at himself.  "Whoa, I've lost weight!"  He was

 Crow: Richard Simmons?
 Tom:  Susan Powter?
 Mike: Kate Moss?

 >wearing a tight-fitting jacket of some sort, white with lavender
 >trim,

 Mike: Uh oh, calling Jerry Falwell!  More purple!  Persecute with
      extreme prejudice!

 >and *tight* lavender trousers, as well as highly-polished black
 >leather boots.  Not his favorite color combinations, but
 >interesting...There was

 Tom:  ...the second understatement of the millennium, as a matter of
      fact.

 >a silver ring on the ring finger of his right hand, decorated with a
 >pink bas-relief rose insignia.

 Crow: So what special powers is he getting with this?

 >  "Roses...seems to be a theme around here."  He looked around, and
 >reflected sunlight from the glass cage attracted him.

 Tom:  (Skyler): "Ooh, lookie the pretty colors!"
 Crow: Watch out, Skyler!  It's a trap!
 Mike: They seem to catch more and more otaku these days...

 >  It proved to be a greenhouse of sorts, although the only thing
 >growing inside was roses.

 Tom:  Inside or out, everywhere they can...
 Crow: All of the poor college students that try to get dates with a
      single red rose... wiped out in one fell swoop.

 >Roses of every shade, size and planting method.  "Definitely a
 >theme."  But if he stood just so, the glass made a fair mirror.

 Mike: Roses in water, roses in vases...
 Tom:  I wonder if they found a way to breed those plastic roses.

 >  And the first thing he noticed was that he'd left something on
 >the ground back where he'd woken up.

 Tom:  His dirty mattress?
 Crow: An old fifth of Jack Daniels?

 >He went back to fetch it. There turned out to be three items.

 Mike: A white cane, a pair of sunglasses, and a can with a paper on
      it reading "Alms for the Blind".

 >A manila envelope, curiously mundane for the surroundings despite
 >the pink rose seal

 Tom:  I never knew wildlife came in that color.
 Crow: Psych-a-delic, man...

 >(just like Skyler's ring...), a lavender leather case with a
 >carrying strap, and a crossbow.

 Mike:  So now he's in medieval times?
 'Bots: It's time for a RenFest! Woohoo!
 Mike:  And what is the deal with a lavender leather case?  Is that
       the final result of mad cow disease?

 >  The last item caused Skyler to raise an eyebrow...and realize he
 >was wearing his glasses.  That was peculiar, since he

 Crow: ...didn't remember taking a trip to the local D.O.C.?
 Mike: Well, if he's wearing sunglasses, and has his pinky cut...

 >always took them off to sleep.  Someone had gone to a lot of trouble
 >here.

 Mike: You know, this is just starting to sound like a "Quantum Leap"
      fusion.
 Crow: In that case, where's Al?
 Tom:  "I don't think so, Tim... not for a million dollars."

 >  Looking more closely at the crossbow, he saw that it was not any
 >of the models he'd seen during Society for Creative Anachronism

 Tom:  I wonder if Skyler now qualifies for a creative anachronism...
 Crow: My guess would be a heap of artistic license, actually...

 >demonstrations, or in sporting goods stores.  It looked old-
 >fashioned, but was definitely of modern manufacture.

 Tom:  Ye Saturday Knight's Special...

 >The stock was a highly-polished oak, inlaid with a lacquered rose
 >design.

 Crow: This place has more roses than a florist's wedding!
 Tom:  I hope dey ged dond wid dis sood, I'm gettid allergic.
 Mike: Hang in there, Tommy.

 >The metal portions were a matte black, and in perfect condition.
 >But there was enough wear to show this was no exhibition piece.
 >This was a working weapon.

 Mike: He just got here!  How could there be wear on it?
 Tom:  Wouldn't that mean he was put *into* another character, like we
      were just speculating?

 >  The case contained a dozen crossbow bolts, again in perfect
 >condition, and spare bow strings, as well as the cranking device for
 >resetting the bow.

 Tom:  "I WANT TO SEE THAT WEAPON FIELD-STRIPPED!  NOW, MISTER!"

 >  Skyler would've preferred a Colt or Smith & Wesson, if he had to
 >fight, but he could handle this...if he absolutely had to.

 Tom:  Yeah, right.  He'd probably bonk someone over the head with it
      if the crap hit the fan.

 >  The envelope--but his curiosity about his appearance finally
 >turned him back to the glass.

 Mike (Skyler): "Well, the good news is that they drew my nose.  The
      bad news is that they didn't draw me a chin!  NO!"
 Tom:  Curiousity killed the cat...
 Crow: It could be worse.  He could be super-deformed and have to stay
      that way.

 >  Skyler blinked at a virtual stranger.  His facial hair was gone,
 >along with the slight wrinkles he'd begun to get in the last few
 >years.

 Crow: Aww, it looks like the Scotts finally decided to give him a
      break.
 Mike: Use 'self-insertion' to get rid of fine lines and wrinkles...

 >He was as slim as he'd been in his high school years, but somehow
 >not as scrawny looking.

 Crow: Right now, for some reason, I'm reminded of Gosunkugi...

 >He could have been anywhere from sixteen to nineteen, as he hadn't
 >changed much during those years, and the style he was "drawn in" now
 >tended to obscure the obvious marks.

 Tom:  All the artist needed to do was get the eraser anyway...
 Crow: Or a bit of flesh-tone paint.

 >He did notice that his brown hair was cut in the short style he'd
 >favored since his stint in the Air Force, rather than the shaggy
 >mess from his actual high school days.  It looked better with the
 >clothes he was wearing anyway.

 Mike: For comparison, see the part where he's a loser.
 Tom:  Just remember: Old Skyler equals Mike, new Skyler equals not
      Mike.
 Mike: Hey!

 >  That clothing looked a lot like a uniform, especially with the
 >old-fashioned epaulets, and the weighted cord going from one of them
 >to his breast pocket.

 Crow: So, now... he's the very model of a modern major-general!
 Tom:  Uhh... not all *that* modern...

 >All his pockets were empty to a cursory check.  And those shiny
 >black boots were definitely uniform material.

 Tom: So instead of vinyl and suede they're just vinyl?

 >"But is it military, or am I in the local marching band?"  The fact
 >that he was equipped with a crossbow rather than a saxophone
 >suggested the former.

 Mike (Skyler): "Now if you don't march in a straight line, I'll bury
      this bolt where you can't *ever* reach it!"

 >  Skyler's large (almost inhumanly so) blue eyes blinked

 Mike: Buh-link!

 >from behind round glasses.  Another blessing, ones that flattered
 >his face rather than the black plastic monstrosities of his youth.

 Crow: He wore a pair of those fifties-style military glasses?
 Tom:  Wait... how was he allowed into the Air Force with bad vision?
 Mike: Well, I guess he didn't fly anything...
 Crow: "I'm your eyes in the sky!"
 Tom:  "Washout?"
 Mike: No, guys, that was the Navy.

 >He smiled, and was rewarded with a gleaming set of teeth.

 Mike (Skyler): "Woohoo!  I have my teeth back!"
 Crow (Skyler): "And they don't have all those cigarette stains,
      either!"
 Tom  (Skyler): "Forget the Poli-dent... I just need to self-insert
      twice a week!"

 >His small chin looked good in this "art style", as did his short,
 >slightly upturned at the end, nose.

 Tom:  Another fifteen tucks and he might almost be a ringer for
      Michael Jackson.
 Mike: All he'd need to add is a dash of bleach for that
      "white as a ghost" fleshtone.

 >He took off his glasses.  Yes, the small scar was still on the right
 >side of his nose.  Thankfully, it hadn't mutated into a Captain
 >Harlock

 Tom:  That would be make for quite a strange face... or would it be
      faces?

 >lookalike, but it gave his face a bit of distinctiveness that the
 >"art style" had taken away from his general features.

 Mike: No more freckles, no more mop-top... and he's complaining?

 >  He rubbed the bridge of his nose, then redonned his glasses.
 >Time to check out the envelope.  With any luck, it would have his

 Mike: ...portal back home?
 Tom:  ...new blow-up doll?
 Crow: ...clean underwear?

 >briefing, or at least tell him who he was supposed to be here...

 Crow: "Your job Mr. Skyler, should you choose to accept it, is to
      problem solve with extreme prejudice."
 Tom:  "This envelope will self-destruct in five seconds."

 >  The contents of the envelope were fairly minimal--

 Mike: A pack of bubblegum, for him to chew instead of kicking ass.
 Tom: Gee, I wonder who might have put that in there...

 >a few sheets of paper, a door key, and a square of some sort of fine
 >cardstock, like a wedding invitation.

 Crow (Skyler): "I never get the cool relics!"

 >The top sheet of paper seemed to be some sort of form or semi-
 >personalized letter, beginning with "Welcome to Ohtori Private
 >Academy!"

 Mike: "Thank you for filling our pressing need for cannon fodder. You
      will be placed in the gun range for the time being."
 Crow: "After you have proved unable to continue, you shall be
      'helping' the Kenpo Club."
 Tom: And then he'll be shipped to the cafeteria.  The end.

 >  Wait.  No, it began with "Shiritsu Ootori Gakuen ni yoroshiku
 >onegai itashimasu!"

 Tom:  So it's like one of those Quebec signs, with the French over
      the English?
 Crow: But it's Japanese, Tom.
 Tom:  I can see that, you jack-a-knob!

 >But somehow the meanings of the kanji and kana were crystal clear to
 >him.  [Japanese,] Skyler thought.

 Mike: No, he's clearly thinking in English right now.  If he was
      thinking in Japanese, he'd be thinking "Nihongo".
 Tom:  *Thanks* for the language lesson, Nelson-sama.
 Mike: Hey, now...

 >[Okay, somehow whatever brought me here taught me Japanese.  This is
 >getting stranger by the minute.

 Crow: The Babel Fish rules are still on, by the looks of it.

 >More familiar, okay, but still stranger.]  His brow furrowed as he
 >read through the letter.

 Tom:  Skyler, friend to all farmers!
 Crow: Not only can he emote while performing oral hygiene, he can
      accomplish strenuous farm labor while reading!

 >  Welcome to Ohtori Private Academy!  On behalf of the Board of
 >Trustees and the faculty of the school,

 Mike: "We would like to say, 'Get thy ass to Tomobiki and don't
      bother us again!'"

 >we would like to congratulate you on your acceptance

 Tom:  "...as we have a pressing need for janitorial staff. You are
      expected to provide your own tongue for this arduous task."

 >as an exchange student, and your decision to attend Ohtori Academy's
 >high school program.

 Mike: "Your classes are from three A.M. to five P.M., whereupon you
      proceed directly to cram school as per program directions."

 >  You have been assigned to High School First Year Class A, and
 >your dormitory room will be room #23, East Hall.

 Crow: "Since you have chosen the option of rooming with a convict to
       help our community outreach rehabilitation efforts, your
       roommate will be John Gotti."

 >Your tuition is paid in full, although you will be required to
 >perform duties as a teaching aide

 Mike: "You will be training our crack regiment of shock troopers to
      shoot on sight.  Thank you for your cooperation"
 Crow: So what would Skyler teach, anyway?  How to turn empty whiskey
      bottles into Molotov cocktails?

 >to the Junior High classes in order to fulfill your work-study
 >agreement.

 Tom:  Aww, come on... a guy like Skyler studying?
 Mike: Considering his loser background... yeah, Tom, he probably
      will.
 Tom:  As a self-insert?  Bloody doubtful.  He'll be too busy putting
      his nose in other people's business and being the center of
      attention.
 Mike: Good point.

 >  We realize that finding your bearings in a foreign country can be
 >difficult and unsettling.

 Crow: "But if you think we'll be helping you find out about us in any
      way, you'll have another think coming."

 >As such, a student in your class has been assigned to guide you
 >around the school and answer any questions you might have.

 Tom  (Skyler): "Where are the showers?  I seem to have forgotten to
      take one for a little while now..."
 Mike (Skyler): "How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie
      Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?"

 >Until the two of you can meet, you should use the enclosed map to
 >guide yourself from school to your dormitory and back.  Welcome to
 >Ohtori Academy, and welcome to your future!

 Tom:  "As you learn about the high-tech field of electronics."
 Crow: "And just remember, you can get your degree in business
      management or accounting!"

 >  Sincerely,
 >  Ohtori Akio, Chairman of the Board of Trustees
 >  Ohtori Kanae, President of the Academy

 Mike: Probably backed by the attorney team of Dewey, Screwem, and
      Howe.
 Tom:  Don't you mean "Cheatem"?
 Mike: Not in Skyler's case, I'm hoping...

 >  The map was a simple, sketchy diagram showing what looked to be
 >the building with his classroom--a sort of hollow square with a
 >courtyard in the middle, and a round building marked "Student
 >Council Private Rose Garden" in the courtyard.  [So that's what that
 >thing is.]

 Crow: That's just what they want him to think...
 Tom:  Hey Skyler!  Go in there!  Try it!  And no, it isn't a trap!
      Promise!

 >A path apparently led out of the school, east a few blocks and a
 >little south, to

 Mike: ...a handy local strip bar and ecchi manga shop
 Tom:  "Much more effective than coffee for that morning shock value!"

 >a building marked "East Hall."  (Well, Higashi-kan, actually, but
 >the meaning seemed more important at the moment.)  The key, marked
 >23, was

 Crow: ...glowing and pulsing, and it seemed to chant a faint Latin
      aria.

 >presumably the key to his room.  And the card...the card was printed
 >in a slightly elegant script:

 Crow (card): 'Don't forget to zip your fly'

 >  Your fate is not your own.

 Mike (card): 'It rests in the hands of the deities known as Scott
      Johnson and SKJAM!.'
 Tom  (card): 'So you better not piss 'em off!'

 >Only with the Power to Revolutionize the World can you prevent this
 >dream from ending in tragedy.

 Tom:  "And don't forget, revolutionize like you never have before!"

 >  [Cryptic, yet threatening.  How nice.]

 Tom  (Skyler):  "Hey!  Quit foreshadowing up there!  I'm getting
      scared!"

 >  "Dream?" thought Skyler out loud.  "But an awfully solid one, to
 >be sure.  And I don't usually smell things in my dreams, so it must
 >be someone else's

 Mike (Skyler): "...drug-enduced ravings. I wonder what kind of stuff
      he's on..."

 >...best not to think about that too hard.

 Tom:  Do you care to give that one a whirl, Crow?
 Crow: *ahem*... (Skyler) "Fatal Error in Brain, Sector 7-G...
      Abort, Retry, Fail?"
 Mike: Thank you kindly, Mr. Robot.
 Crow: You're very welcome.

 >Existentialism makes my head hurt."

 Crow: Well, it's a good thing that he didn't insert himself into
      Jean-Paul Sartre.

 > He took another look at the rose garden, behind its wall of
 >glass.  And then focused on his reflection again.

 Mike (Skyler): "Did I always have three eyes, or is this a temporary
      thing?"

 >"I'm probably in an anime," he muttered, but which one?
 >Hmm...Roses, fancy uniforms, weaponry...and the art style...probably

 Tom: ...neo-classic with a faint reek of sulfur?

 >Utena?  Yeah, it has the French tagline about a `revolutionary
 >girl.'

 Crow: Does this mean she comes with the kung-fu grip?
 Tom:  If it's French and "revolutionary", she could come with a
      guillotine.

 >  "I should've gotten out the kanji dictionary and translated some
 >more of that article.  I have no idea what the plot's about,

 Mike: Oh, don't worry about it Skyler... we'll get to it
      eventually... any time now...

 >other than dueling.  The look of it reminds me of Rose of
 >Versailles.  Brr, I hope not, most of the cast *died* in that one."

 Tom:  See, Mike, it *is* a snuff fic.
 Mike: Well, then where's my snuff?  I think I need a bit right now.

 >  He took out the map.

 Crow (Skyler): "Nerima's two hundred fifty miles southwest...
      Juuban's another five west ... Neo-Tokyo hasn't been created
      yet...  nearest Shinto shrine, 28 miles...yup, I'm probably in
      'Utena'."

 >"Time for a little orienteering.  If I'm here, then east must be
 >this way.

 Mike: And the poor dope runs face-first into a tree.
 Tom  (Skyler): "Now, to go north, I have to climb the tree... north
      is always up, if I'm not mistaken..."

 >I'll probably be able to get more privacy to plan in my room...out
 >here in the open, I'm likely to get in--"

 Tom:  Boy, is Skyler confused... he's likely to get "in", in the
      "open"... if it's the open, what can he get in?

 >  On cue, someone (male-sounding) shouted "Runaway kangaroo!"

 Mike: "The Captain's going crazy!"
 Tom:  "Oh, no!  He's killed Mr. Greensleeves!  You bastard!"
 Crow: *Whose* cue was this now?

 >  Another man shouted, "There's a kangaroo on the loose!"  It
 >sounded fairly close.

 Crow: This is where Skyler gets flattened by a kangaroo clearing 35,
      right?
 Mike: "You shonky drongo!  You wuz goin' a tich too bloody fast.
      Ah'll 'ave t' see yo' license."

 >  [Kangaroo?  They have a zoo on the grounds too?]

 Mike: Unless it came from the kangaroo den up in the mountains...

 >Skyler started walking in that direction.  [Time enough for plans
 >later.  Let's see the fun.]

 Tom:  Okay, I'm game... let's see the fun... so where is it?
 Mike: Good luck looking, Tommy... tell us when you find it.
 Crow: Aww, we'll have to delay it anyway... time to get, guys.

 ____

   The fic's just beginning!  For more great riffs and general
 suffering by Mike & the Bots, check out parts two, three, and four!
 Will Skyler get one *good* adjective?  Can the people of Ohtori fend
 off wild kangaroo raids?  Stay tuned!
  Part Two