(The future isn't what it used to be....)
 

"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7"  (SEASON TWO)

EPISODE 18: A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC  PT. 1

(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)

MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  Just covering
my own ass here folks....

"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.
 
"A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic" is the property of Sheep and he's welcome
to it.  I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this
but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does.  Think
of this as another form of C&C.  ;)

This fanfic is rated PG-13 for mature content.
 

(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)

It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!

Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)

Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)

(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)

We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find  (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind  (lalala)

(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)

Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end  (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT:
'Text only'?

Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'

Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'

CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'

If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts  (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
 

* * *
 

THE HOLOCABANA
12:12 HOURS
 

 The figure was silhouetted against the smoky background as
he walked confidently to the center of the stage and ignited his light saber,
casting a eerie green light.

 He flicked the tip of the sword around a little and then, with a
grand gesture, he slashed the air in front of him in an S pattern, the
slashes leaving behind trails of flame.  Then the S rushed forward towards
the camera and soon the entire shot was filled with fire and letters of
stone suddenly burst forth from the foreground to form words:

 'THE MASK OF SOLO'
 

* * *
 

CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER ON BESPIN

 
 "Anthony Hopkins has taught you well... but you are not Mark
Hamill, yet...."

 Joel turned towards the metallic wheeze to see Tom hovering on
the platform above, his own red lightsaber ignited and held firmly thanks to
a special modification to his body.  Joel took a moment to adjust his black
mask and check his pocket mirror to see if he had Antonio's pissed-off look
down.  It wasn't even close but it would have to do.  He cautiously walked up
the stairs towards the hovering figure.  Once there, he ignited his own light
saber and held it defensively in front of Tom.

 For what seemed like an eternity, the two warriors watched each
other silently.  Suddenly Joel whirled around just in time to block a strike from
Crow.  Crow was dressed in full US Cavalry garb and snarled as
he held his blue lightsaber above his head, preparing to attack again.

 Then Tom lunged from behind Joel, who quickly dropped to a crouch
and then rolled backwards underneath him to his feet, striking downwards
with his sword.  A moment later, Tom's right arm went flying off into the
distance.

 Tom wasn't bothered however, since his arms were useless anyway
and used his hoverskirt to ram Joel in the stomach.  Crow then let out a
battle cry as he rushed forward to slash at Joel....

 Only to have his strike intercepted by Tom's bubblehead, impaling
it with his light saber.

 "Oh, good one, Crow!"  Tom muttered, disgusted.

 "Oh, poopie!"  Crow swore as he withdrew his saber from Tom's
head and resumed his attack.  Joel dove to Crow's left and stuck out his
leg, causing Crow to trip over it and crash to the ground.  Crow immediately
got back up, only to stare dumbly at his right shoulder which has been severed
by the saber when he fell.

 Joel had little time to celebrate as Tom continued to use his hoverskirt
to give chase.  Wanting to show off his athletic prowess, Joel used his entire
body to swing around a metal post, which proved to be a bad move since his
momentum brought him right back into Tom, who swung hard with his
sword....
 
 Joel did a baseball slide under Tom and came back up on the other side,
his green sword ignited and swung at Tom.  Tom countered with his own sword
and they struggled to gain the advantage over the other.  Joel's strength against
Tom's hoverskirt.

 "Nobody would ever catch me fighting as badly as you do!"  Tom
shouted.

 "You run THAT fast?"  Joel countered with a smug grin.  "You're
no match for my brains, you poor fool."

 "Yeah, I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them!"  Tom roared back.

 Then Tom increased the power to his hoverskirt and send Joel flying
backwards to slam against a wall.  Tom rushed towards him to finish him off
only to be surprised when Joel suddenly threw his lightsaber at him like a
javelin.  The saber struck home as it punched a hole through his casing and
Tom disappeared a moment later, muttering to himself.  "Cheap shot...."

 Joel breathed a sigh of relief as he rested a moment against the wall.
Then a blue light saber punched a hole from behind about a millimeter
from his right ear.  Joel immediately slid down the wall and rolled forward
to his feet.

 He then tried to use the force to make his saber jump into his hand.
Failing that, he tried to use his whip to lasso the saber and toss it into the air
so it would land in his hand.  Finally, he just rushed over to where it lay and
picked it up.

 He then tried to ignite it only to have several D-size batteries
fall out from the bottom of the saber and roll over the edge of the platform.
The impact from striking Tom had broken the battery cap and the saber was
now useless.

 Crow appeared from around the wall a moment later, his light saber
held steady in his remaining arm.  Joel threw the butt of the saber at him only
to have Crow deflect it easily with his own saber.  Suddenly he gasped in shock.

 "No...."  Crow whispered.

 "Huh?"  Joel was confused.

 "No... it's not true... THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!?!?"

 Joel suddenly felt for his mask and realized the strings had been
severed, unmasking him and revealing himself to be...."

 "Yes, Crow.  *I* am your father."  Joel admitted sheepishly.

 "NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"  Crow screamed in horror as he suddenly
rushed towards Joel, his saber posed to strike the unarmed warrior.  Joel
waited until he could see the yellow of Crow's eyes and then calmly drew
his blasters from his side holsters and fired them simultaneously.

      Crow collapsed backwards, his chest smoking from the carbon
scoring.  Joel immediately rushed to his side.  "Crow, don't leave me!"  Joel
cried in his best melodramatic voice.

 "You're not... my real... father...."  Crow gasped, his breath growing
fainter.
 
 "You can't die!  I've got to save you!"  Joel replied desperately.

 "You already... have...  Joel....?"

 "Yes, Crow?"

 "Bite me."  Crow whispered.

 Joel nodded in understanding as Crow's form vanished.  Then Joel
stood up and walked over to the freezing chamber.  He pushed a few buttons
and the chamber doors opened.  The Imperial March began playing in the
background as a giant claw then lowered itself down into the chamber and
clamped down on something.  A moment later, it rose up again, a refrigerator
in it's grasp.  Joel opened the fridge and pulled out a cold one.

 "You guys want something to drink?"  Joel asked.

 "I'll take a Coke."  Crow replied.

 "Me too."  Tom said.

 "So, who wants to be Solo next?"  Joel said.

 "That depends.  Can I use the blasters right away?"  Crow asked
hopefully.

 "Come on, Crow.  If you use the blasters right away, it's no fun!
You have to build up the suspense, showcase your skills before you rely on
your strongest weapon...."

 "Oh, I get it!  Like when Voltron: Defender of the Universe waits
till the last minute to use his sword against his opponent instead of killing
them right away?"  Tom replied.
 
 "Or when a wrestler has to soften up an opponent before he goes
for his trademark finisher?"  Crow added.

 "Exactly!  Now you're getting it!"  Joel nodded.

 Suddenly Gypsy's voice crackled over the intercom.  "Joel, The
Two Guys from Andromeda are calling...."

 "Darn!  And we still haven't gotten around to baking a cake!"
Crow replied sarcastically as he and his friends left the Holocabana for
the bridge....
 

* * *
 

DEEP 13
 

 Dr. Clayton Forrester stood in front of the console, rubbing his
hands together eagerly.  His mad grin stretched from ear to ear and he
seemed to be in an almost ecstatic mood.   Beside him, ever slouching,
was TV's Frank.

 "You know the drill, shortpants.  Let's see what you got!"  Dr.
Forrester said with a giggle...."

 
* * *
 

SATELLITE OF LOVE
 

 Joel carefully placed a large glass windshield on the counter,
complete with wipers that had electric wires running through them.
 
 "Well sirs, This week I've invented a solution for the squeegee
kids plaguing motorists around the world.  If you're like me and I know
I am, it's really frustrating to have dirt thrown on your windshield
by squeegee kids and then have to pay them to clean it or get your wipers
ripped off your car.  So, I've implanted these wipers with a special
electrical current that manipulates the wipers into fighting back.  Now
watch...."

 Crow suddenly snuck up to the windshield and threw a handful
of dirt on it, yelling all the while.  "HEY MAN!   CLEAN YOUR
WINDSHIELD FOR A DOLLAR MAN!  I'LL CLEAN IT FOR YOU
MAN!  PAY ME A DOLLAR, MAN!  OH, A CHEAPSKATE, HUH?!?"

 Crow grabbed the wipers and tried to rip them off when they
suddenly came to life, whipping and smacking Crow all over the place.
Crow cried out in pain as they continued to assault him until he finally
ran away.  The wipers slowly settled down a few moments later while Joel
continued his monologue.

 "They're designed to activate when excessive pressure is applied
to them and they can also be used to warn off monkeys from crapping on
your windshield whenever you visit 'African Lion's Safari' with your
family."  Tom continued.

 "Just be sure to disarm the system when they need cleaning... or
if it's going to rain heavily... or you have a cat."  Crow added.

 "What do you think, sirs?"  Joel asked.

 
* * *
 

DEEP 13
 

 "Not bad, booby.  But our invention is going to make yours look
like a volcano at a second grade science fair!  It's called 'Virtual Bar
Hopping' or the 'V.B.H' for short and it's going to make traveling to
your favorite tavern and/or dance club a thing of the past!  How, you
say?  Because now you can go there without ever leaving your house!
Observe...."

 The camera panned left to reveal Frank wearing a sophisticated
Virtual Reality helmet.  "Right now Frank is visiting a dance club called
the Phoenix.  He's just arrived and he's feeling a little nervous...."

 "Oh man, am I dressed okay?"  Frank muttered nervously.  "Was
it a bad idea to wear white bell bottom jeans with a plaid shirt?  Is eight
inches high enough for my platform shoes?  I hope I remembered to use
deodorant this time.  At least my breath is fresh, but is it fresh enough?"

 "Frank!  You're worrying over nothing!"  Dr. Forrester chuckled.
"The V.B.H ensures that your appearance and personal hygiene are seen by
everyone as nothing short of fantastic!  No more worrying about people
making snide remarks behind your back or pointing out how huge your
ass is."
 
 "Wow, that's a relief off my mind!"  Frank exclaimed with relief.
"But what if I meet a really cute girl here.  I always manage to say the wrong
thing and embarrass myself.  Why can't I talk to women....?"

 "Not to worry, Frank!  With the V.B.H, any member of the opposite
sex you meet will see you as a great looking person with charisma, charm
and a really killer body that'll drive em wild!  The V.B.H makes anybody who
uses it seem like the perfect person to talk to."

 "Uh oh!" Frank swallowed.  "Someone's offering me a free drink
and I really can't hold my liquor that well.  But if I say no, everyone will
think I'm a geek!  What do I do!?!"

 "Relax, Frank.  The V.B.H takes care of that too by letting you drink
all you want and still maintain enough of your motor functions to be the
life of the party and not collapse into a corner with a lampshade on your
head.  By the way, do you smoke?"
 
 "No way.  Can't stand the stuff."  Frank replied.

 "Well, why don't you try a puff now?"  Dr. Forrester insisted
as he placed a magic marker in his hand.  Frank reluctantly put the
marker to his lips and suddenly exclaimed.  "Hey, I can't smell or taste
a thing!  Now I can smoke all I want and look cool and I *can* quit
whenever I want to!"

 "So, you like it, Frank?"  Dr. Forrester inquired.

 "This is the best time I've ever had bar-hopping!  Thank you,
V.B.H!  You've given my worthless life meaning again!"  Frank exclaimed
happily as he began downing the chasers and puffing away at his magic
marker.
 
 "Wait a minute."  Joel interrupted.  "You mean there's no side
effects of using this invention at all?"

 Dr. Forrester snorted.  "Well, of course there's side-effects, Joel!
For one thing, anyone using this thing will never have to talk to another
live human being EVER AGAIN, meaning they'll never leave the house
and second, the V.B.H may prevent the user from getting too drunk...."

 Suddenly he yanked the V.B.H helmet off Frank.  Frank's eyes
bulged out and he suddenly clutched his head in pain.  "HEY!  OWW!!"
Frank winced as the volume of his own voice caused his head to throb
in pain.  "W-what happening to m-me?"  he whimpered.

 "...but the hangover is another story entirely!  BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Dr. Forrester finished as he burst into pales of mad laughter while Frank
curled up into a little ball on the floor and tried to hide his eyes from the
light.  "Any questions, Joel?"  Dr. Forrester finally asked after he calmed
down.

 "Yeah, how do you sleep at night?"  Joel asked.

 "On my side, usually."  Dr. Forrester replied as Joel and the bots
facefaulted.   "And now Joel, it's time to reveal your experiment for this
week.  And I think it's safe to say that this one is truly one of the *WORST*
Ranma 1/2 fanfics of all time... and it's not even a lemon!"  Dr. Forrester
giggled with sadistic glee.

 "So prepare yourself, sailor scouts!  Prepare yourself for
'A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic'.  For this fic goes beyond mere deep hurting... this
is *SHEEP HURTING*.  Send them the fanfic, Frank...."

 "Uhhhhh...."  Frank moaned in pain as he crawled towards the
filing cabinet, resting his face against the cold surface for a few moments
before pulling himself up....
 

* * *
 

SATELLITE OF LOVE

 
 "Sheep Hurting?  Didn't Dr. F try this last time with that
*SCENE CHANGE* crap?  Crow asked.

 "It can't be all that bad, right?  Besides, it's about time we read
something without the Sailor Senshi in it!"  Tom remarked.

 Joel nodded his agreement.  "And it's not a lemon either.  So
how bad could it possibly...?"

 Suddenly, alarms and sirens suddenly rang out.

         "OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!"  Joel cried out.
 

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)

(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you
move on..)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)

(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)

(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor.  You walk into it.)
 

        Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
 

>A Ranma ½ Fanfic

>By Sheep
 

Crow: Something tells me this is going to be baaaaaaaaaad, Joel.

Tom: Yep, this fic's going to be shear torture.

Joel: Fleece stop with the sheep puns.
 

>THIS CRAZY ENTERTAINMENT STORY IS BY A RUMIKO
>TAKAHASHI
 

Crow: Not to be confused with *THE* Rumiko Takahashi....

Tom: I've heard she runs into a lot of impersonators.

Joel: Yeah, it's a Rumik World.
 

>" RANMA1\2 " FAN NAMED Sheep, Sheep
 

Crow: Hmm.  Think he lives in a small town?

Joel: Check it out, it's a double *ewe*!

Tom: He may have three bags, but they ain't full.
 

>CAN GET SOME CRAZY CREATIVE IDEAS. SO FOR ANY OF YOU
>PEOPLE WHO KNOW THIS STORY BY RUMIKO TAKAHASHI, SIT
>BACK AND BE PREPARED
 

Crow: Sheep was especially adapt at knitting sweaters from his own skin.
 

>TO BE READING SOMETHING STRANGE. OKAY, YOU MUST KNOW
>THE STORY SERIES QUITE WELL TO UNDERSTAND MY PUNS AND
>THE CHARACTERS OF THIS ENTERTAINMENT STORY.
 

Crow: <Sheep> IF YOU DON'T, SUFFER!

Tom: Doesn't he mean 'CRAZY' entertainment story?

Joel: Hey, I think you need to hit the Caps Lock there, Mr. Sheep....
 

>IF YOUR STILL AWAKE, LET'S BEGIN.......
 

Joel: He's messing up his homonyms already. Not a good sign, people.

Crow: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Joel: Hey, wake up Crow!

Crow: Huh?  Oh, sorry, Joel... <yawns> Counting sheep always makes
me sleepy....
 

>It was just a fine spring day morning in Tokyo. Everything seemed quite
>fine ( or as it usually is ) in the Tendo Dojo.
 

Joel: It was just a cliché fanfiction opening.

Crow: Redundant, much?
 

>Akane Tendo, the youngest of the Tendo siblings was inside the dojo
>practicing some of her karate martial arts techniques.
 

Tom: <Akane> I have to train if I'm going to beat Daniel LaRusso
in the championship tournament....

Joel: Either that or drink some Brisk.
 

>She wanted to somehow beat that annoying Shampoo before she can have
>Ranma all to herself.
 

Joel: <singing> She's going to wash that girl right out of her hair....

Tom: So Akane has no trouble admitting to herself that she loves Ranma
in this fanfic universe?

Crow: Guess not.
 

>Despite her tomboy ego, Akane did have some hidden feelings for her so
>called " parental forced fiance " Ranma Saotome.
 

Tom: 'Parental Forced' anything brings up some bad images....
 

>It was a day like any other, Ranma stepping inside the dojo
 

All: <loudly imitate the theme to the Dick Van Dyke show>
 

>and mocking Akane about her tomboyish exterior.
 

Crow: As opposed to her leather interior.
 

>RANMA: Hey Akane, whatcha doing?

>AKANE: Oh, not of your business Ranma.
 

Joel: That's none funny!
 

>Don't you have anything better to do than standing beside me?
 

Crow: Guess Ranma isn't a Benny King fan.
 

>I'm busy for crying out loud!

>RANMA: Oooo, I hit a nerve.
 

Joel: I'm getting nervous already....
 

>Those practicing techniques won't do you any good. I've been training
>practically all my life. Infact, when I'm in my girl form, I could do
>a whole lot better than you and your thick legs can!  ( LOL )
 

Tom: Isn't that cute?  The writer thinks he's funny!

Crow: Either Ranma's started using Internet-speak, or the writer's
trying to lol our suspicions.
 

>AKANE: Oh shutup! Get out!!! Get out I said!!!!!
 

Joel: Geez, why not say it again with seven exclamation points?
 

>As Akane chased Ranma across the dojo ( as if that never happened
>before from his mockings ),
 

Tom: As if!  Gah!

Crow: His mockings were usually hung by the dojo with care....
 

>Shampoo burst through the wall while on her bike ( refer to some
>of those cartoon episodes, and you'll know what I mean ).
 

Tom: Oh, *THOSE* cartoon episodes.

Joel: You know, the one where the guy changes into the thing and
everyone's after him?

Crow: Oh yeah... what was that cartoon called again?

Tom: Transformers?

Joel: Heh.
 

>SHAMPOO: Neehow!
 

All: And how!
 

>What you doing to my Ranma, Akane?

>AKANE: Oh, it's you Shampoo. Hey Ranma, your lover girl's here. Why
>don't the two of you go on a date or something, hmm?
 

Tom: Yes, let's make Shampoo OOC too and have her invite Akane along!

Crow: How many lemons would you like with this fic?
 

>RANMA: Hey wait! I am not going out, you here me?! Besides, I got
>something better to do anyway.
 

Crow: <Ranma> Yeah, like tune my twanger!
 

>AKANE: Oh ho! Such as?

>RANMA: Such as.......such as......such as
 

Tom: Somebody smack the fanfic!  It's skipping!
 

>going shopping, at the mall. Yes, that's it, at the mall!
 

Joel: Have a ball at the mall!

Crow: Graffiti the wall at the mall!

Tom: Umm....Umm.....
 

>AKANE: That doesn't even sound like you at all.
 

Tom: Hey, thanks!

Crow: <Ranma> Hey, it ain't my fault. This Sheep guy is writing me
OOC!
 

>You rarely go to the mall anyway.
 

Crow: He prefers a quickie....

Joel: Crow!

Crow: ...mart!  I meant mart!
 

>RANMA: Well, I'm going now. Let go Shampoo!

>SHAMPOO: Ai Lin! Don't go Ranma! Me coming too!
 

Tom: Whoa!  What kind of bike was she riding?!?

Crow: SCHWINN!!!
 

>AKANE: Hoo boy....sigh.
 

Tom: Cough.

Crow: Sneeze.

Joel: Burp.
 

>Yes, unfortunally for Ranma, Shampoo did follow him. Ranma always
>worried since Shampoo also had Jusinkyo curse upon herself.
 

Tom: Well, duh!

Joel: For those of you who aren't familiar with Rumiko Takahashi's
*CRAZY* entertainment cartoon....

Crow: Why narrator talk like Shampoo?
 

>As you probably have known before, Shampoo changes into a cat with
>a splash of cold water.
 

Tom: But bring Shampoo to a boil and she tenders up quite nicely, as
we've read before....
 

>Ranma changes into a female. However, Ranma is terribly afraid of cats,
>namely the one Shampoo changes into.  If you recall, once Ranma's cat
>fear reaches it's climax, he acts like a cat himself.
 

Joel: Yeah, he has kittens.
 

>Okay, as to what's happening,
 

Crow: Last time on 'A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic'....
 

>Ranma did get stopped in the street. It was Tatewaki Kuno,
 

Tom: The man... The myth... The moron....
 

>the kendo stick swinging,
 

Crow: <Kuno> Foul Nitrogen-Oxygen mix!  I shall smite thee!
 

>poetic maniac
 

Joel: And he's spouting poetry like he's never spouted before.
 

>and a guy who has a major crush on Ranma's female cursed side, locked
>any means for the two to continue on their destination.
 

Joel: But their hearts would go on and on.

Crow: Unfortunately, so would this fanfic.
 

>Of course, since Kuno still from this day hates Ranma, he doesn't know
>that he's actually hating his girl side as well.
 

Tom: <Kuno> But when I think about you, I hate yourself!
 

>KUNO: If it isn't Ranma Saotome of the Saotome school. I Tatewaki Kuno
>challenge you to a duel Ranma! Prepare to defend yourself you cursed fool!
 

Crow: Wait a minute!  Kuno knows Ranma is cursed?

Joel: Wait a minute!  Kuno didn't list all his attributes when he challenged
Ranma?

Tom: Wait a minute! Aren't commas missing from those sentences?
 

>RANMA: Hey, what did I do this time?!
 

Crow: <Kuno> You humiliated me the last fifty times we fought and I'm
here to make you suffer for it... this time for sure!
 

>KUNO: Shutup and fight!
 

Joel: But first, get up and dance!
 

>Whoosh!
 

Tom: Yes, it's another state-of-the-art sound effect brought to you by
the latest development in sound technology: Sheep Sound!

Joel: The audience is bleating....

Crow: Yeah.  They're bleating a hasty letleat!  Ha ha ha! (gets smacked by
Joel) OW!
 

>Thanks to his quick reflexes, Ranma dodged Kuno's stick attack just
>before it whacked him in the cheek.
 

All: Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!

Tom: Should that be before it *would have* whacked him in the cheek?

Crow: The shockwave must've got em.
 

>Shampoo disappointed very badly stormed off away, sobbing.
 

Crow: Crow sighed very deeply shook head slowly, groaning.

Tom: Why Shampoo disappointed? Shampoo want see stick-boy
clobber Ranma?
 

>Meanwhile, Kuno kept swinging that annoying stick.
 

Joel: <Kuno> Hey batter batter!  Right over the plate, man!
 

>Just then, Ranma took a big leap ( the kind he does sometimes )
 

Tom: <Genie from King of Thieves> I do that.

Crow: This whole fanfic is a leap of faith.
 

>and landed on a nearby roof.
 

Joel: ...where he proceeded to fiddle his ass off.
 

>He pranced off with Kuno swearing and in hot pursuit.
 

Tom: Um, exactly what's keeping Ranma from sending Kuno into orbit?
 

>With his damn bad luck he always had,
 

Joel: Yeah, Ranma should get a "Blind luck -1" notation on his character
card in Ani-Mayhem....
 

>Ranma was splashed with water.  By whom? A nearby sprinkler.
 

Crow: The poor urinating drunk never knew what hit him.
 

>He automatically changed into his girl form ( a Jusinkyo curse ).
 

Joel: Ranma's cursed?  Whoa!  When were you going to reveal THAT
little secret!
 

>Well, Kuno did catch up with him ( or her ).
 

Tom: Oh no you don't!  We endured enough of that crap in 'California
Dreaming'!

Crow: Yeah!  Pick a pronoun and stick with it, Sheep!
 

>He flushed beat red with love.
 

Joel: No comment necessary here folks.
 

>Ranma was trying to dry himself and forgot he was in his female form.
 

Crow: He's calling the female form by *he*!  I hate that! I hate that!
I hate that!

Tom: Why? I prefer the *he* pronoun myself.

Crow: What?!? You're crazy!

Tom: He's a guy, Crow!  It only makes sense to use it.

Joel: Guys, can we talk about this later? We're holding up the fanfic.  Besides
Crow, you *DID* tell Sheep to pick a pronoun and stick with it.

Crow: And I know just where he can stick it.
 

>He had his shirt down so from the waist up, it was bare.
 

Tom: You mean you took off his shirt?  Are you sure?!  Is that what you're
trying to tell us?!?

Crow: There's an alarming amount of deja vu in this fic.
 

>A small trinklet of blood came down Kuno's nose,
 

Tom: Creative use of a description here....
 

>while he stood blushing, totally aroused.
 

Crow: Yet strangely no one took any notice.
 

>KUNO: Ooo, my pigtailed goddess! What a bless to see you like this!
 

Joel: Blessed are the cheesemakers....

Tom: What did he say?

Crow: Blessed are the cheesemakers?
 

>Ranma flushed, but he quickly looked where Kuno was staring at.
>Ranma was totally devastated and angry.
 

Joel: Really laying it on thick, eh?
 

>RANMA: AAAAAAAAGGGH!!!!!! YOU PERVERT!!!
 

Tom: Isn't that Akane's line?

Joel: Only Akane? How about every girl who's ever encountered Happosai?
 

>Before Ranma could slap him, Kuno caught his girlie arms
 

Joel: <Franz> Look at those girlie arms!  We're going to have to...

Joel and Crow: <Hans and Franz> Pump *clap* you up!
 

>and stood  there, embraced Ranma in his scular( okay, too dramatic ) arms.
 

Joel: Whew!  That was pretty tense all right.

Tom: No, REALLY, what's stopping Ranma from beating up Kuno?!?
 

>Staring at him, Ranma began to shout somemore,
 

All: <singing> You know he makes her want to shout!
 

>but Kuno gently put a finger to Ranma's lips, silenting her.
 

Joel: Silent is golding.

Crow: Who knows where those fingers have been?

Tom: Weren't they waving his stick around earlier?

Crow: Ick....
 

>KUNO: Hush my love. Now's not the time to speak.
 

Tom: Now is the time to scream!

Crow: <Kuno> Now's the time to stand on your hind legs and beg!
 

>For you and I shall date.
 

Joel: <Ranma> Actually, Kuno-chan, I'm washing my hair now.  I lost
the dragon's whisker so it may take a few decades... sorry.
 

>RANMA: WHAT?! You gotta be joking! Do you want me to lose my
>lunch?!
 

Crow: <Ranma> After all, this ain't Akane's slop!  Kasumi made it and I
ain't risking it for nobody!
 

>Let go of me you fool!!
 

Joel: But kiss me first!
 

>But Kuno, who had been countlessly rejected by Ranma's female form
>before, never gave up.  He expected this struggle, but he still held on.
 

Tom: <Kuno> Hold on, Ranma!  Whatever happens, I shall find you!
 

>KUNO: You will be mine, today you shall...
 

Joel: ...compare thee to a Summer's day?

Crow: ...die like a dog, Amigo?

Tom: ...suck me off like a Hoover?

Joel: Tom!

Tom: Heh heh heh....
 

>Kuno ( surprisinly, he never thought of this before,
 

Joel: <Kuno> Gasp!  I could have *SEX* with her!

Crow: That's surprisin, all right.
 

>nor did Rumiko when she wrote her scripts ),
 

Tom: How do you know?  Were you there?

Joel: Don't tell me Sheep is Rumiko's ghost writer?!?

Crow: Sheep knows all and tells all....
 

>bumped Ranma on the head with his stick,
 

All: Bonk Bonk on the head!  Bonk Bonk!
 

>hencing knocking him unconcious.
 

Crow: Hencing?  Knocking?  Can we choose a verb and stick with it, please!

Joel: Hey, when did Kuno get so good?  Is he wearing that bird on his head
again?
 

>While Ranma fainted, Kuno carried his beloved ( now, don't you throw up )
>to his own house.
 

Joel: HUUUUUUURRGHHHH!!!

Tom: Too late.
 

>Inside Kuno's house, Ranma was layed upon Kuno's bed.
 

Crow: Yikes!  Talk about cutting to the chase!

Joel: Lemon in, Lemon out.

Tom: Yes, it's the new lemon, "Ranma and Kuno Have Sex on Kuno's Bed!"
 

>The lights were dimmed. Kuno was breathing hard,
 

Crow: <Lloyd Bridges> By this time his lungs were aching for air.

Tom: You know you're aroused when even your breathing is hard.
 

>he knew what he was about to do. Yes, you guessed it.
 

Joel: The Dew?

Crow: The Hustle?

Tom: Recite some crappy poetry?
 

>KUNO: Oh my pigtailed goddess, please forgive me for what I'm about to do.
 

Tom: <Ranma> Okay, but next time you're really gonna get it!

Crow: Master say forgiveness is divine but lemon is sweet.

Joel: Only if it's Master Happosai.
 

>Kuno gently stripped Ranma's clothes off. A small trinklet of blood once
>again came down Kuno's nose.
 

Joel: Get your finger out of there, Kuno.

Crow: Can you buys trinklets at a gift shop?

Tom: I think only Hallmark carries those.
 

>Ranma's breasts were nice and juicy as ever he thought.
 

Crow: <Kuno> All right!  100% Pure Florida Hooters!
 

>Boy, this was never thought of by anyone.
 

Tom: http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/main.html

Crow: Nuff said.
 

>First time Ranma ever layed down his guard and sunk so low ( wait til
>he finds out what happens next. Mind you, he is in his girl form).
 

Crow: Oh really?  I thought Kuno was drooling over Ranma's male breasts.

Joel: So if Ranma's sinking low by letting his guard down, then how low
has Kuno sunk by doing what's he's doing?

Tom: Let's just say Captain Nemo has yet to explore such depths....
 

>Kuno stripped off his clothes and went into the covers.
 

All: TOGGG!!!

Tom: Would it be cliché to say Kuno's gone undercover?

Joel: Yes.
 

>Then as the lights were turned off,
 

Joel: <singing> Don't trust anyone when the lights are out in Nerima....

Crow: There was a scream, the sound of a brief scuffle and when the
lights came back on, Kuno lay dead on the floor, a dagger protruding
from the back of his neck....

Tom: <imitating scary organ music>

Crow: <deep voice> WELCOME... TO MURDER MYSTERY THEATER 3000....

Joel: Cool....
 

>he and Ranma in his girl form,
 

Tom: Ranma.  Girl form.  Got it.
 

>believe it or not, made love.
 

Crow: Call me crazy but I don't think that term applies if Ranma's
unconscious....
 

>When Ranma awoke two hours later, he was dazed.
 

Joel: ...and confused.

Crow: Much like the rest of us.

Tom: Exit lemon, stage right.
 

>RANMA: Huh......where am I? Wha? I'm in bed?
 

Crow: <Ranma>  Uh, Toggg?
 

>Ranma did feel someone next to him in the bed.
 

Crow: <Ranma> Hey!  This doesn't feel like vinyl!

Tom: There's already been enough poking around in the bed,
thankyouverymuch!
 

>He pulled down the covers, and there, horrifying ( even for himher )
>was Kuno, naked!
 

Tom: <snickers> Yes, that is quite horrifying!

Crow: It'd scare the crap out of me.
 

>Ranma couldn't believe it, he felt like dying. If Akane or anyone who knew
>about his curse, found out, he would certanly be called a " fagot ".
 

Joel: Realy? Ar yu certan abot tat?
 

>Ranma was too horrified to scream.
 

Tom: I'm not.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
 

>He touched his breast, they were there alright.
 

Tom: <Ranma> Say, this feels pretty good!  I should have tried this a
long time ago!
 

>Finally, he recalled the memory of what happened.
 

Joel: *THEN* Ranma screamed.
 

>He was embraced in Kuno's arms, then he felt a sudden pain in his head,
 

Tom: There's pain...

Crow: ...and there's Motrin pain.
 

>all went black.
 

Joel: I never knew Kuno played Roulette.
 

>Then, he awoke in this strange room with Kuno, naked beside him while
>he was still in his female form!
 

Crow: For those of you joining the fic so far.

Tom: Thanks for the recap, Sheep.  Saves me the trouble.
 

>He knew the worst was yet to come.
 

Tom: Spanking?

Crow: Fukaduk?

Joel: Murder charges?
 

>RANMA: Kuno?! Kuno, wake up!!
 

Tom: Why wake him?  Just do a Lorena Bobbit and get the hell out of there!

Joel: <winces> Bad mental image, Tom....
 

>Kuno slowly awakened. He smiled warmly and touched Ranma's cheek.
 

Tom: And stuck his hand under her other cheek.

Crow: Then she smiled warmly and ripped out his spleen.
 

>KUNO: Oh my pigtailed goddess, you were so sweet, ever so sweet.
 

Joel: But I thought lemon was sour?

Tom: It's lemonade!  It's sweet!

Crow: Well, I'm bitter.
 

>I never imagined this will ever happen.
 

Crow: Oh for the love of puppies!  Just pick a tense and stick with it!
 

>Will you marry me my love?
 

Crow: <Ranma> Oh, yes!  I *ALWAYS* marry guys after they rape me!

Tom: <Ranma> I'd rather receive Jabba the Hutt anally.
 

>Ranma couldn't bare it,
 

Crow: She had a exclusive deal with Nabiki.
 

>he ran to a room, it was luckly the washroom.  He then locked the door
>and lost his lunch in the toilet.
 

Joel: Not to mention his breakfast and dinner from the night before.

Tom: Then he brushed his teeth, chewed pack after pack of gum, burned
his clothes and stood under the running shower naked while screaming in
anguish....

Crow: And yet it *still* didn't compare to how sick he felt after eating
Akane's cooking....
 

>As he got up, he looked at himself in the mirror. He was in his girl form
>alright, no doubt about that.
 

Crow: Once again, gentle readers, if you didn't know Ranma was running
around butt naked in his female form, here's all the proof you need.
 

>Kuno was already changed when he came back into the room. He looked
>worried as he stared at Ranma.
 

Joel: <Kuno> Gee, did I do something wrong?

Crow: <Kuno> Strange... Your eyes were sky blue a few moments ago
but now they're a blood red color... and why do you smile at me so
strangely...?  WAIT!!!  NO!!!  NOT THAT!!!  NOT MY... *RIPPPPPP*
AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Tom: THAT'S going to leave a mark....
 

>RANMA: Yes, happy now? I lost my lunch because of you.
 

Joel: That's not all she lost.

Tom: Wow.  Vomiting did wonders for her disposition.
 

>Kuno pointed at Ranma.
 

Joel: <Kuno> I accuse YOU, Pig-tailed Goddess!
 

>KUNO: You do know what happened to you while you were passed out,
>do you?
 

Tom: <Kuno> Come on, take a guess!  Bet you'll get it right on the first try!
 

>RANMA: I dare not even think about it. What?
 

All: YOU SAID I DARE NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Crow: *I dare not even think about it?*  Vomiting seems to have completely
changed Ranma's speech patterns as well.

Tom: Yeah, who needs 'Hooked on Phonics' when there's lung butter!
 

>KUNO: I made love to you.
 

Joel: <Kuno> And this time you were actually here!
 

>Those words totally felt like the end of the world for Ranma.
 

Crow: <singing> It's the end of the world as he knows it....
 

>He was more than devastated.
 

Tom: He was PISSED.

Crow: Yeah really, feel free to beat the living crap out of Kuno anytime
now, Ranma....
 

>And all he did was kneel down and cry.
 

Joel: <Kuno> What?  Is it my breath?
 

>A week later,
 

Joel: <Gary Shandling> Okay, a week has just passed....

Crow: Kuno died from massive internal injuries.  Ranma was arraigned in
Superior Court, County of Los Angeles.  In a moment, the results of that trial....
 

>it was the second part of Ranma's worst nightmare.
 

Tom: The first was doing it with P-Chan.

Joel: Ick, Tom!
 

>He just came back from the doctor, while in his female form.  Ranma,
>as in his female form believe it or not was pregnant.
 

Crow: <exasperated> Everyone get that?  HE'S IN HIS *FEMALE* FORM!!!
F... E... M... A... L... E...!!!  FEMALE!!!
 

>He was, or at least, in his girl form of course.
 

All: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
 

>Ranma had to break the news. But he was too scared. Ryoga Hibiki
>walked in the room.
 

Tom: <Ryouga> This fanfic is a dark and lonely place....
 

>Ranma was seated on the floor in the dojo. Ryoga was curious.
 

Crow: <Ryouga> Hey Ranma?  What do you think Sheep has in store for
*my* character in this fic?

Joel: <Ranma> I dare not even think about it....
 

>RYOGA: Hey, Ranma, what's up? Why haven't you changed back to
>your normal male form?
 

Joel: <Ranma> Because I feel pretty!  Oh so pretty!  So pretty and
witty and wise!

Tom: Guys, you think this is one of those fics where Ranma accepts his
true femininity?

Crow: Hey, I'll be happy if Sheep settles for that.  Really.  I mean it.
 

>RANMA: I suppose it won't do any good in hiding a secret, especially
>one devastating like this one.
 

Tom: <Grandpa Simpson>  I am the Lindberg baby!  Wah! Wah!
 

>You see Ryoga, I can't change back. And the reason is.........the reason is.......
 

Tom: There it goes again.

Joel: Hey, could somebody tap the fanfic a few times with a hammer or
something?
 

>Ranma seemed to drift away.
 

Crow: Ah, the reefer's finally kicked in.
 

>As you probably might have known, Ryoga is the boy who is madly in
>love with Akane.
 

Tom: Akane is the girl who is mad on general principle.  Can they get along?
 

>He has a terrible bad case of wrong direction,
 

Crow: And Sheep has a terrible bad case of wrong grammar.
 

>always wears that stupid yellow black spotted bandanna on his head
 

Tom: Oh, and I suppose the great Sheep's fashion sense puts Ryouga's
to shame?

Joel: Well, I've heard he does have a nice sweater....
 

>and his cursed form from Jusinkyo is changing into that baby
>black piglet.
 

Crow: What the hell is a *Jusinkyo* curse anyway?

Tom: Spring of drowned plumber?  How the hell should I know?
 

>RANMA: You remember Kuno, don't you? That moron with the stick?
 

Tom: There's a lot of those in fanfiction I'll tell you what.
 

>Well, it all started a week ago. Kuno, wanted to have a duel match
>with me.
 

Joel: Enough recapping already!  This isn't a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka!

Tom: You drink, Joel?

Joel: No, but I'm coming close.
 

>I tried to avoid him but with not much success,
 

Crow: <Ranma> Boy, I hate it when I abruptly become inept at fighting!
 

>a nearby water sprinler
 

Joel: First we had Trinklets, and now sprinlers, what next?  Droppettes?

Crow: Maybe if Ranma decides to visit the bathroom.
 

>changed me into my female form, as you see now.
 

<All groan loudly>

Crow: Oh, BROTHER!  Even 'Ranko's Life' was less redundant than this!

Tom: Hey, we're not supposed to know about that MSTing!

Joel: It's a fanfic.  You should really just fold yourself over a sword.
 

>Kuno embraced me in his arms and knocked me out with his stick.
 

Joel: <singing> Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you....
 

>I awoke in his house.....

>RYOGA: Woah, woah, woah.
 

All: <singing> Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!
 

>Back up, you, the Ranma Soatome let your guard down? Y'know, this
>doesn't even sound like you at all Ranma!
 

Crow: No shit, Sherlock!  We've been saying that since this fic began!
 

>And, you awoke in his house?!
 

Tom: I think we've established that, yes.
 

>RANMA: I woulnd't be so surprised now, Ryoga.
 

Joel: <Ranma> Oh, woulnd't you?
 

>Believe me, I'll tell you the worst.
 

Tom: It was the worst of times.  Period.
 

>You see, what was totally out of anything in anyone's mind,
 

Crow: Now THERE'S a sentence worthy of Dr. Thinker!
 

>I found myself naked and in the same bed as Kuno. He was naked too!
 

Joel: Thanks for pointing out the glaringly obvious once again.

Crow: You know, I could be wrong, but Kuno might have actually
*made love* to Ranma's *female form* and she woke up in *his house*
too.  Just a hunch....
 

>Ryoga was nearly thrown off backwards.
 

Tom: Delicately rounded legs strike again!
 

>He couldn't believe it.
 

Crow: Ryouga's sense of direction was so bad, he facefaulted on his ass.
 

>He, with his moth gaping open,
 

Tom: <Ranma> Hey, keep that thing away from my shirt, Ryouga!
 

>couldn't control himself as great heaps of laughter over took him.
 

Joel: Uh-huh.

Crow: This fanfic is a steaming heap of something all right.
 

>Ranma glared at him.
>RANMA: I'm not joking you jackass!
 

Tom: <Ukyo> Quit ripping off my Viz Video English dubbed lines,
Ranchan!
 

>I even lost my lunch in Kuno's toilet.
 

Crow: <Ryouga> Oh, I've done that too.  You wouldn't believe the places
I end up when wandering....
 

>Now, what really got me was Kuno said that while aI was passed out,
>he deliberatly.......y'know........warm love.......
 

Tom: Warm Love.  Rrrrrrrright....

Crow: Joel, if taking advantage of an unconscious girl is warm love, then
what qualifies as cold love?

Joel: Uhh... Sex with an unconscious member of the polar bear club?
 

>Ryoga buried his head in his hands, he was totally shocked.
 

Joel: <Johnny Depp in Ed Wood>  No! No!  You're not *THAT* upset!

Crow: <buries his head in his hands> Speak for yourself!
 

>RYOGA: No, this cannot be true! Ranma, this can never happen to you!
 

Crow: In fanfiction, anything is possible.

Tom: Which in most cases is a GOOD thing....
 

>I known you for a very long time, whatever happens to you, you always
>come out okay.  You save yourself.
 

Crow: For whom?

Joel: Marriage?

Tom: <Ryouga> You've had hundreds of one-night stands before and you've
always been careful!  What's the deal?!?

 
>But this, this has to be April Fool's Day. But it's only May the 5th!
>Ranma, is this true?

>RANMA: I'm pregnant
 

Tom: <Ryouga> Hey, don't evade the question, Ranma!  Is it true or not!
 

>RYOGA: Wha? WHAT?!?! HOW?!??!!!!
 

Crow: <Ranma> A drunk stork from Warner Brothers knocked me up...
HOW DO YOU THINK?!?
 

>RANMA: It's only in my girl form, okay?!
 

Joel: Oh goodie...  Sheep spared us from the overused plot of the
pregnant man.

Crow: Whoopee.
 

>Kuno made love to me in my girl form and now I'm pregnant. These
>things can happen! Even with a curse, it could happen!
 

Tom: Especially with Sheep writing, it could happen!
 

>RYOGA: ( LOL )
 

Crow: <Ryouga>  LOL!  I just remembered an episode of Frasier
I saw last night!  Niles is *SO* funny when he's horny for Daphine!
 

>Looks like you and Akane are now in " splitz ville ".
 

Joel: Population: Two.
 

>Well Ranma, to tell you the truth, I think you make a pretty good mother,
>stay being a girl. It suits you, lol!!!!
 

Crow: <Ranma> It does not!  And stop calling me Lol!
 

>Ryoga mockinly walked away,
 

Crow and Tom: (hum the monologue music from the 'Wonder Years')

Joel: <Daniel Stern> It wasn't Ryouga's words that hurt the most... it was
the way he walked out of my life....
 

>over taken with laughter.
 

Tom: Well, let's recap the characterization so far.  Akane wants Ranma
to date Shampoo, Ranma talks like a tragic heroine, Kuno is a rapist and
Ryouga is a heartless prick.

Crow: Boy, I don't know about you but I can't WAIT to see what Sheep does
with Kasumi....
 

>Ranma was crushed.
 

Crow: Ha! Ha! Ha!  Ryouga must have thrown a boulder at him to add
injury to insult!  What a kooky guy!
 

>The Tendo family found out the news as well.
 

Tom: ...having purchased it from Nabiki at the usual going rate.
 

>Akane was so devastated by the news, she ran into her room and locked
>it up tight, refusing any pleads of her coming out.
 

Tom: <Akane> I can't believe it!  He was supposed to be dating Shampoo!
How could he do this to her!  That pervert!
 

>Genma, Ranma's father
 

Joel: As opposed to Genma, male prostitute.

Crow and Tom: Urrgh... no....
 

>was furious. He and Mr. Tendo ( Akane's father ) both threw Ranma out.
 

All: <singing> Domo Arigato, Mister Tendo....
 

>He had been banished from the Tendo house and even out from his
>own family.
 

Crow: Uh, why is Ranma the one getting blamed when it was Kuno's fault?

Tom: It's called "Blame the victim." Genma would make a great American
politician....
 

>This was surely Ranma's worst defeat.  He had lost his virginity, he had
>lost his true boy form and now he was preganat in his cursed girl form.
 

Tom: And worst of all, he was still stuck in this fanfic.

Crow: Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
 

>All seemed like an end.
 

Crow: Oh, please let it be the end!
 

>It was a storm that night.
 

Tom: Suddenly, a shot rang out!  A door slammed. The maid screamed.

Joel: Guess that means the calm is over.
 

>Ranma's clothes were damped and he was stuck in his female form.
 

Tom: (starts to vibrate)  GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... NGGGGGHHHH....

Crow: <Kurt Russell>  YOUR REPETITION IS BEGINNING TO
ANNOY ME....

Joel: Keep it together, little buddies....
 

>Shivering from the cold, he sat in a corner of the alley. Ranma was too
>afraid to see himself.
 

Crow: ...for fear of reading yet another description of his female form.
 

>He even didn't know that he had fallen asleep.
 

Tom: And it took him quite a while to realize that he was dreaming and
not actually walking nude inside a shopping mall....
 

>Awaken the the next morning, Ranma found himself in a cave.
 

Joel: <Sam> The cave of wonders.

Crow: <Max> You have to wonder.

Tom: No wonder he's so out of it, he's been living in a cave!

Crow: <Ranma>  Thong?  Ator?  You in here?
 

>Ryoga was beside him.

>RYOGA: Hey, Ranma, you wake?
 

Joel: <Ranma> No, I sleep.  Perchance to scream.
 

>Good. I have some news for you.
 

Crow: <Ryouga> You know that big break from Ed McMahon you've
been waiting for your entire life?  Well, you got a letter from him saying
you may have just won 10 million dollars!
 

>Actually, it will probably pain you more.
 

Tom: <Ryouga>  But that doesn't bother me.  (lol!)  Because your pain
(lol!) is my pleasure!  (lol!)  I love kicking you when you're down,
Ranma!  (lol!)
 

>Akane and I are engaged.
 

Crow: Well, it's nice to know Akane got over Ranma so quickly....
 

>That's right, since I was the only man for her,
 

Tom: ...and since no princes with floating islands or ships have arrived
to claim her....
 

>it was brought down that we be wed.
 

Crow: <Ryouga> ...and I'm telling you this to bring you down, girlie man!
(lol! lol!)  You suck, Saotome!  You suck!  LOL!

Joel: Looks like Sheep is a fan of the Ryouga/Akane pairing.

Tom: Normally, I wouldn't mind so much, but since Sheep's writing this....

Crow: He'd better hope Kun-chan doesn't get hold of his ass....
 

>Oh, and your father, Genma,
 

Tom: As opposed to your father, Darth Vader....
 

>he wants to adopt me, after losing his son Ranma forever!
 

Crow: Geez, Ryouga, you are EVIL.

Tom: Sheep's Ryouga makes Dr. F look like a pansy!

Joel: <Ranma> Hey Pig Boy!  Does the name 'P-Chan' ring a bell?  Does
the phrase 'Pork Chops' mean anything to you?
 

>Ranma was too sad to even speak. Tears poured down his hot flushed face.
 

Joel: Gee... this is really... dark.

Crow: I've got a bad feeling this is going to turn into a snuff fic, Joel....

Joel: Come on, Crow.  Dr. F wouldn't send us a snuff fic, would he?

Tom: Jupiter was decapitated in *R*P*M*....

Joel: Well, I'm not giving up yet!  Maybe it'll get better....

Crow: Sure it will, Joel....
 

>RANMA: Just leave me alone......I don't even know if I'm actually a boy.
 

Crow: ...or a girl that can't say no.
 

>Probably I never will be again. I cannot change back, it'll be gross.
 

Tom: Yep, It'll make your period look like....

(Joel glares at Tom who stops in mid-sentence)
 

>RYOGA: Let's face it, we both have a curse.
 

Tom: And his name is Sheep!

Joel: <Ranma> Don't forget that, Pig Boy.  We both have a curse and I
could reveal yours anytime I wanted to....
 

>But here this Ranma,
 

Crow: <Ranma>  What?  Speak up!  I can't *here* you!
 

>yours is more permanent, if you get my meaning!
 

Tom: <Ranma> And yours are more numerous and embarrassing, if you
get *MY* meaning, *P-CHAN*....
 

>Whatcha goin to do about bathing yourself now?
 

Joel: Oh great, Ranma's pregnant and alone and you're asking about her
bathing habits?  What kind of pervert are you?!?
 

>RANMA: I don't know if I'll take a shower again.
 

Tom: <Ranma> After all, it's much more important to my unborn child
that I stay smelly and filthy, rather than simply take a COLD shower or
bath....
 

>This can't be happening, it just can't.
 

Crow: That's right, Ranma.  This is all just a bad dream....

Tom: Hope we all wake up soon.

Joel: Amen.
 

>The months went by.
 

Crow: The fanfic went on.

Tom: The characters went bad.

Joel: These are the days of  'A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic'....
 

>Ranma was now a beggar,
 

Crow: He had originally traveled to Thailand to beg but a strange gajin
with electricity in his eyes chased him away....

Tom: You think with his skills, he could become a thief or one of those
crazy old men that teach kung-fu to an unskilled street urchin so they can
avenge their parent's or siblings death at the hand of an evil Kung-Fu
master....

Joel: Been watching Kung-Fu Theater again, Tommy?
 

>he ( or she ) was a very dirty person.
 

Crow: Oh, for pete's sake!  She's in female form!  It's *she*!

Tom: No it isn't!  He's still a guy!  It's *he*!

Joel: Guys, we gotta go....  (picks up Tom)

Crow: Not till we settle this!  It's *she*, I tells ya!

Tom: No way, Jose!  It's *he*!

Crow: You're crazy!  It's *she*!

Tom: Uh uh!  It's *he*!
 

* * *
 

SATELLITE OF LOVE
 

        "She!"

        "He!"

        "SHE!"

        "HE!!"

        "All right, you knuckleheads." Joel's voice caused the two
robots to turn their heads. "What're you arguing about now?"

        "Which pronoun to use for Ranma in girl form," Crow said.
"Everybody knows that girl-Ranma's a 'she,' but good old Tom here just
doesn't seem to get it."

        "What's obvious is that you don't know what you're talking
about, Crow," Tom shot back.

        "Hold it!" Joel shouted, attracting the robots' full attention.
"Let's settle this like gentle-robots, all right? A formal debate,
capiche? Three rounds, I'll moderate."

        "And you'll pick the winner?" Tom asked.

        "Um, no. Actually, Cambot will. I've been feeding him with Spam
from the Fanfiction Mailing List, so he should be programmed to handle
it." He continued in a slightly over-excited voice. "Mister Crow,
begin!"

        "Ahem. Right. Ranma's girl-form is a she. Why is she a she, you
ask? Simple. She's a she for several very good reasons. Number one,
breasts. She's got 'em. Also ovaries, the absence of an Adam's apple,
and... certain other things that Joel won't let us mention. Thank you."

        "Mister Servo, your response please!" Joel quickly said.

        "Thank you, Mister moderator. It seems that my esteemed
colleague Mr. Crow forgets, or fails to mention, one thing. Even when
physically a woman, Ranma's mental self-image is that of a man. He
thinks of himself as a he. Everyone else, with the notable exceptions of
the Kunos, think of him as a he. Therefore, the narrator ought to also
refer to him as a he."

        "Mister Crow!"

        "Ahem again. Good quality writing is all about sensory
experience. Describing the way that the story looks, sounds, smells, and
feels. By any of these standards, how can girl-type Ranma be anything
less than a she? The soprano voice, the trim and slender body with those
incredible, enormous--"

        Joel interrupted. "No hentai remarks allowed during the debate,
Mister Crow. Your rebuttal, Mister Servo!"

        "Yes, let's talk about experience! The most important sensations
a character has are his innermost feelings and emotions. Ranma, deep
down, feels that he is a man trapped in the body of a woman. At the core
of his being, the very center of all that is him, HE IS A MAN! His body
just doesn't know it. Thank you."

        Crow began without waiting for Joel's prompt. "MISter moderator,
quite obviously Mr. Servo is simply uncomfortable with the idea of a man
who changes into a woman. Therefore he feels the need to pretend that a
male character who becomes a woman is still a man. If Mr. Servo were a
fanfiction author, he would probably write stories about Ranma getting
drunk and telling dirty jokes as he watches stag films with Hiroshi and
Daisuke."

        "I think our esteemed judge will find that it's Mr. Crow who is
insecure. Yes, insecure about his *own* manhood! If Mr. Crow wrote a
fanfic, it would probably be about Ranma draping his body in frilly pink
dresses and liking it!"

        The two robots growled at each other for a few moments. Then, in
unison, they turned to Joel. "So, who won?" Crow asked.

        "Oh, um, I dunno." Joel went back to his usual sleepy speech. "I
think we need to check Cambot's monitor." He stepped over to a
wall-mounted computer screen and read what was written on it. "Huh?"

        *This debate is banned,* it said. *Please take it to private
conversation.*

        "Aagh!" Crow said. "Who does he think he is? Cambalt?"

        Before Joel could answer, lights began to flash. Buzzers blared.
He barely managed to slap the button on the table before the theater
doors began opening. "Whoa!  We got fanfic sign!"
 

TO BE CONTINUED IN "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PART 2....
 

Hi there!  I hope you're enjoying the MSTing so far!  As with my other
two part MSTings, There's lots more to come in the second part so don't
skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffs.  ;)
 

Part Two